All right, well this is exciting...
all the heads of the international branches of OmniCorp
gathered here together in one place.
You all seem super excited...
a bunch of boners in slacks.
Now if you'll bear with me,
I'm gonna launch this meeting in style,
like it's a boat, a new boat.
- Oh my God! - Oh no.
- Why would you do that? - You're wet, aren't you?
Wet with excitement!
Ha ha! Someone clean that up.
Is anybody... hold on.
Is nobody here subordinate to me?
You. You look like an underling.
- What do you do here? - I'm the CFO of the Tokyo office.
Oh. Heh heh. Enough mingling.
What's the first point of business on the agenda?
For you to stop speaking.
Oh, Mr. Chairman, welcome... all the way from the U.K.
What you've just witnessed is the sort of unprofessional act
that has made the New York office
a total embarrassment to the OmniCorp name.
Are you talking... do you want my opinion on that?
With incompetent leadership, no organization...
Sir, my leadership is certainly not being drawn into question.
Watch this little demonstration.
- Rodney, come in here. - Yeah, boss?
Sing a song and dance.
Okay, uh,
See what I'm talking about? Boom. Immediate results.
- That was pathetic. - Agreed.
I'll deal with you later.
But the first order of business is to clean house.
Oh, fire people! Well, that's my specialty. No problem.
Bang. Done.
Good news and bad news, everybody.
The good news is we now have
soft-serve frozen yogurt in the kitchen.
- Praise Jesus. - Three cheers!
There's gonna be a swirly chocolate-vanilla.
There's gonna be chocolate. There's gonna be vanilla. There's gonna...
Uh, boss, the bad news, sir.
Oh, yeah. The bad news is a bunch of you are about to be fired.
- Let's begin! - Is he serious?
I'm gonna handle some terminations here
and I'm gonna do it discreetly.
I'm not gonna shout out your names;
I'm just going to point at you. You, you and you.
- S-sir, who are you pointing at? - You, the lesbian.
Fat one, gone. Bald one, hit the bricks.
Wonky-eye, you're out of here.
Sir, I think we're keeping wonky-eye.
Hang on. You pointed at me on "fat one. "
I think you're talking about the old me.
I have been on Weight Watchers ever since January.
Shut it, fat one. You're out. You, you.
- I'm confused. Can you use our names? - I don't know your name.
- You, you, you. - This is horrific.
Tim, you and the other two miscreants,
which of you commands the lowest salary?
Guys, I'm gonna take one for the team here.
It's probably me, boss.
All right, well then tell the other two they're fired. Back to work.
- Whoops. - Thanks, Tim.
Dude.
- Hey, Tim. - Hey there, Stan.
- So you got fired too, huh? - Oh no, I actually made the cut.
I'm just moving offices.
They're moving me into a big one
since they're all open now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me! They kept you?!
- You seem surprised. - Worthless douchebag,
lazy fuckin' droid of an employee Tim!
Tim is kept! Stan is fired!
What the fuck?!
- Uh, good luck? - Fuck you!
Best of luck to...
oh, man. This is a really an unpleasant day.
And if you'll just come this way,
this here is the dungeon.
That's what I coined the area where we keep the assistants and whatnot...
the bottom feeders, if you will.
You must have a very good reason for keeping them on staff.
What does this young man do, for instance?
Ah, well, he feeds on bottoms.
Ahem.
- What's the real reason? - His name is super easy to remember.
- "Tim," right? Try it. - Tim.
- See? - Yeah, so that's why you've kept him on?
- Well, pretty much. - Amongst other reasons.
- No, truly that's about it. - Performance. Performance.
- No, just his name. - Well, nonetheless,
I like the way you maintain your office, son.
- Thank you. - So barren...
no decorative mugs or photos of girlfriends.
Well, you know what I say:
Who needs a photo of your girlfriend
when your eye is always on OmniCorp's bottom line?
I like you.
What was that all about?
The chairman would like you
- to join him for lunch today. - Really?
He's talking about bringing you to London for a stint.
- That's amazing. - Well, not really.
- It's just a training program. - It's amazing for me.
- Trust me. - Is it? Training program's good?
Oh. Smarten up a bit.
- Smarten up? - Shirt, tie, polished shoes.
What's wrong with my shoes?
Are those moccasins?
Those look like Indian... Native American shoes.
- Everybody's wearing these. - No. No, definitely not.
Hi.
Amy, hey. I got an interesting bit of news here.
- Okay. - The chairman of OmniCorp likes me.
- Why? - "Why?"
Listen, they're thinking about jetting me over to London
for a week for a stint.
You're kidding. We're going to London?
No. I said I might be going to London.
This is incredible. I've never been.
- Adam, I'm going to London! - What's happening? No.
You know what? I'm gonna go shopping at lunch.
- No. No. - Yeah, what do you wear in London?
Pants and a shirt. Nothing special.
Yeah, but it's like the most fashionable city.
It's a misconception. It's a myth.
Call me later.
Wow. I don't usually dress like this.
- It looks good. - You don't think it's tight in the crotch?
In all my years of tailoring, there's one thing that I have learned:
Your pants can never be too tight in the crotch.
- It is a confident look, I've got to admit. - You look good.
- You feel good? - I love it.
I don't feel good, but I look good.
Here's what I want you to do:
I want you to look in the mirror
and say, "I am better than you.
I spit on you.
You disgust me. "
I'm better than you. I spit on you, Tim.
You disgust me. Why am I saying this to myself?
Look a little bit to the right of yourself...
- Look to the right. - ... and say it.
- I'm better than you. - I'm better than you.
- I spit on you... - I spit on you.
...whoever happens to be off to my right.
- You disgust me. - All right.
All right, these are good tips.
Do you want to hang out sometime?
I just feel like we'd get along.
All right.
Off to the right.
And I spit on you. I spit on the little people.
Oh, hey. Who? Why?
Uh, you were pointing at me.
No, I'm sorry. I didn't know...
You wanted to spit on me?
I didn't know you were standing there. I'm just washing up.
- Let me get that. - I can get my own towel.
- Turn that off. - Whoops.
Just trying to be helpful.
- Cologne? - No.
- Whoops. That's on me. - Mint.
- What are you doing? - There you go.
- Condoms? - Absolutely not.
- Couple of them. - Put them in there.
Look, you got to trust me, kid.
All a man needs to succeed in life
is a mouthful of mints
and a pocketful of rubbers.
- Ben Franklin said that. - I don't think he said that.
He was ahead of his time.
- God damn, I'm glad we did this. - Oh, please,
don't speak anymore. You've done enough damage to this firm.
Every time you speak, our stock price falls,
so please... we just lost a quarter point.
- Quarter point. There it goes. - Quarter point.
Quarter point on the tone of my voice?
I've got a question for young Tim.
What do you think of the direction the company's headed?
I have an answer if Tim fails.
My expertise lies elsewhere,
but, uh, divesting...
- uh... - Before the dessert, if you don't mind.
- Um. - Good one.
The dessert.
I just think we're a little too focused on the Omni
and not enough on the Corp.
You know?
That was the stupidest thing anybody has ever said.
I thought it was prescient, to the point and incisive.
- Those are positive words? - Brilliant, Tim.
- Sharp as a tack. - Well said.
Why don't we throw some matches on the ground and see if he can count them?
- Now listen, Tim. - Yeah?
We have a management training program
I think you'd be perfect for.
- You don't say. - You'd need to spend a week in London.
Very rainy. Very rainy.
- What do you say? - What does "cheerio" mean?
- Does that mean "yes"? - No. "Cheerio" means "goodbye. "
Oh, so not that. I say, "When do we leave, guv'nah?"
Oh, that's charming.
To Tim and to London.
- To Tim and to London. - To Tim, my protégé!
- Hey! Oh, come on. - Incompetent buffoon.
- I just want to be heard. - Tim, how do you put up with this?
He does much worse, to be honest.
Let me just clean that off of your crotch area. Dab this.
I'm gonna run to the bathroom and tidy up. I'll be right back.
- Do you... do you want a hand? - No.
Oh, this is really happening. This is happening.
- He is back. - What?
The man who loves free mints and condoms
and spritzes and sprays, but hates to tip.
I didn't realize I was supposed to tip you. I'm sorry.
- Are you angry at me? - Oh, didn't know.
Are you new to bathrooms?
- I'm sorry. I feel awful. Let me get you. - Good.
Actually, I can't. All I have are these huge bills.
- Uh, 20s? - 20 is pretty big.
- 20s aren't big bills. - 20 is pretty big.
No, I can make change.
I don't want 19 singles that were all handed off in the bathroom.
Is there something wrong with the bathroom?
That's like touching 19 guys' penises.
Do you think you could do this without me?
Do I think I could wash my hands without you?
How would you turn on the sink?
I do it all day. Let me see you.
- There it goes. - Oh!
Oh, splashing everywhere!
Wipe it off! Ahh!
Watch me turn the sink on.
Watch. No splash.
Just the right temperature.
- Pretty similar to what I did. - Watch me do it.
Turn it off.
- Can I ask you a question? - Please.
- Do you really think... - I'd like nothing more
than to be honest in my own bathroom.
Do you really think your job is grounds for a tip?
You're giving me a towel. That's what towel dispensers do.
So you're saying I'm nothing but a towel dispenser?
- A human towel dispenser that has mints. - Get out of here!
- Get out of here. - Open the door yourself, by the way,
- see how easy it is. - It actually is very easy.
People like you...
Tim, I am getting double-penetrated
from the Asian and the Brit here.
Will you please stand up for your old boss?
This could be a career-ending reaming for me.
I've got to say you have not exactly been nice to me over the years.
Tim, do me this one thing, please.
- 'Cause I'm a nice guy, I'm gonna do it. - Thank you.
- Listen, everyone... - Tim has the floor.
Sorry, Tim. Tim has the floor.
I'd like to make a toast to a man who has been
- what I'd like to call an awesome boss. - What? Who, me?
A man who thinks on his feet,
never says stupid things,
a man I like to call "the boss. "
- Aw, come on. - Well said, Tim.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
- Yes. Excellent. - Let's break bread together.
- Are you with me? - Yes yes!
- Excellent. - Love it!
- One for you. One for you. - All right, you a-holes!
- Whoops. - That's right.
It's time to listen to the bathroom guy.
This is my "Jerry McGuire" moment,
except I didn't type up a mission statement.
I don't have a copier in the bathroom.
Anyway, you can all suck it!
You know, it means something to me
to watch you get cleaned up in the bathroom
after you've done your business.
I take pride in it! Real pride!
- Good speech. - But guess what?
You've pushed me too far this time.
The bathroom guy has left the building!
And one more thing!
- That guy there! - What?
- That one... - Me?
...didn't wash his hands after he took a huge dump
that clogged the toilet!
No, don't end the speech like that.
- You didn't wash your hands? - No, I washed 'em.
And one more thing!
No, come on. Jerry McGuire never came back!
The guy who didn't wash...
he asked me for a bunch of rubbers
- and said, and I quote... - Oh boy.
..."Before she flies home,
I'm gonna titty-fuck the woman sitting next to me!"
- What? - Check his jacket pocket.
- Good Christ. - That doesn't prove anything.
You wouldn't really use condoms for that.
That seems like overkill.
Tim, I knew you were a filthy weasel,
but, I mean, trying to jam your weiner
- between the nortons of the CFO... - No.
Tim, I'm gonna have to let you go.
You're fired. Bang. Done.
Now that's effective leadership.
- Well done. - Thank you, sir.
I feel empowered again.
Bang. Done. I'm back, Ma!
And one more thing!
God, do you ever do that,
where you forget? It's such an important thing
and I just forgot it on the way in.
If I remember, I'll come back.
But do I go black bag or brown bag?
I love this brown. Hold on.
- 'Allo. - What? No, don't...
- don't talk like that. - 'Allo, guv'nah.
- Oh my God. - What's going on?
- How was lunch? - Well, London is on the back burner.
And my job is on the back burner too,
- you know. - What are you trying to say?
I kind of got a little fired.
You got a little fired?
- Pretty much out of there. - What happened?
How do I even say this?
Is "titty-fuck" an expression you can use on the phone?
I don't even want to know.
This is what it's come to:
afternoon unemployed drinking.
I've got to say O'Flaherty's has a different vibe in the afternoon.
It's definitely got a depressing aspect.
You know what? Let's get some tunes going on up in here.
- Yeah, it could use it. - Right?
- You send any resumes out? - I don't have a computer.
Holy shit.
- Here it goes. - Dance, Rodney, dance!
- Yeah. - This bar is ready to party.
- Get after it! - Moving this shit.
- Go, Rodney, go! - Here it comes.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh! - Holy shit!
- I'm gettin' in. - Can you nancy boys take it outside?!
No, we're not nancy boys.
Cut it!
I don't know how you guys stumbled in here,
but this bar is for real men
with real problems.
- That is us, sir. - That describes us.
- We got problems, bro. - You don't want to go
- head to head with Stu. - Oh really?
- Especially not Stu. - I'm kind of the king of problems.
All right, Stewie. How about you name your three biggest problems?
Oh, it is on. It is on.
One, I was laid off last week in a very rude manner.
- Ouch. - Two, I have to shave my chest hair
- once a month or it begins to dread. - Hmm.
Three, I was a huge fan of the new "Knight Rider" and then they canceled it.
- Bam. - When does it end?
- What do you have? - I'm slowly losing my jawbone to cancer.
My wife stabbed me last week.
Okay, you had me at "losing my jawbone. "
- Great, so sit down and shut the fuck up. - Fair enough.
These are real men. These are masculine grown men.
The only thing that they have more of than testosterone is sadness.
Ah, fun times.
- What are you doing? - Who, me?
- Taking a smoke break? - Smoke? No, I don't smoke.
Air. I'm getting some air. Air break.
Let me ask you a question. You ever kill a man?
No. I don't get that worked up.
- I have. - Really?
Yes. It's not as much fun as you'd think either.
- Ah. - Let me ask you another question.
- Yeah? - You ever fuck a woman in a tank?
That's a strange line of questioning.
Um, I have not.
When I was your age, you know what I was doing?
- No. - I was fighting a war in Vietnam.
- I'm rolling down this road in Lao Cai... - Yeah?
- ... and I see this Vietnamese chick. - Oh my God.
Next thing you know, she's in the back of my tank on all fours.
- No, I don't believe that. - I'm fucking her
- and driving the tank at the same time. - With your foot or your hand?
What, fucking with my hand? What are you talking about?
I don't know. How are you driving the tank?
Come on, I'm fucking her the regular way... on all fours
and at the same time, I'm driving the tank.
- Oh my God. - I should have got a medal for it.
- That is a great story. - Well, I got a lot of stories.
- What do you do? - I'm a sales clerk at Pottery Barn.
I sense sarcasm.
I'm not a sales clerk at Pottery Barn.
- You're not. I didn't think so. - I'm a fuckin' novelist.
- A novelist? - Yeah.
- That's what I always wanted to do. - Mmm.
I was gonna do that and then I totally didn't.
Well, you're young, so you'd better get to it.
I would love to just start writing away.
I don't know what I'd write about. I don't...
You just kind of pick out the most dramatic thing
that ever happened to you in your life.
- The most dramatic. - Write about that.
Once in college, we took a cab
and we ran away without paying.
- Wow. - I just fuckin' ran.
You ran. Wow, that's incredible.
- And then what? - We kept going.
We ran to Taco Bell.
It's not a tank story. I never fucked a woman in a tank, I told you that.
Kid, you have some living to do, let me tell you that.
I've got other stories. I picked the wrong one, clearly.
- You sure did. - I picked the wrong one.
Oh, Amy, put down the magazine.
Put down that silly magazine.
You may not like what you're about to hear.
- Okay. - Starting today I'm gonna be a writer.
Cool!
All right, don't try to say "cool. "
I'm gonna travel. I'm a young guy.
I'm gonna get out there. I'm gonna stop shaving,
just start living, you know?
Kill a guy. Fuck a woman in a tank.
I think that's great.
Why are you choos... why are you spoiling it for me?
- No, it's... - I'm trying to do something
- rebellious and crazy. - I think your rebellion is... adorable.
- Hey, Tim. - Hey, dudes.
Hey, it's your friends over here.
Hey, I was gonna go talk to someone else.
Well, then you're gonna miss out on our all-day foosball tournament.
- Winner gets what? - I don't know.
- Free nachos. - I'm gonna pass.
I'm gonna go talk to the guy from yesterday about writing and...
- That sounds like work. - No, it's actually
what I want to do.
What you want to do is play foosball with us.
If there's a tiebreaker, I'll get in later.
- You can't just come in later. - Yeah.
I mean, we will probably let you back in...
- Yeah? - ... but it'll be awkward.
I'll take my chances.
There's my writing pal. There's my writing buddy.
Who are you? Why are you talking?
I was the guy you were talking to yesterday outside.
- Yesterday? Did we talk? - Talking about writing.
- We were... - I must've been drunk.
- We were exchanging... - I probably thought you were my dog.
That's a little insulting. We were discussing literature.
- Dolt! - Dolt?
Boring! Shut your yap hole!
- Shut my yap hole? - Look, I just want to be... I want to...
Anyway, the question I had...
- No no no. Fuck. - ... with structuring...
with structure...
What are you doing? You shouldn't smoke and eat nachos
- at the same time. - Why did you have to bother me?!
- Have a drink. Have some Scotch. - You little piece of...
I didn't... piece of what?
His face has been in those nachos for too long.
I'm getting a little worried over here.
I can't believe he's gone.
I can't believe... Tim, you actually knew him.
- That's amazing. - It's incredible.
- It's crazy. - It's a piece of history.
How could you not tell me
you were friends with Norman Walker?
I didn't know he was well-known.
Well, you didn't know he was famous?
I didn't know the Norman Walker I was talking to...
- Was the most famous living novelist? - Yeah yeah.
You didn't recognize his face?
You wouldn't have recognized him.
- He had a beard. - He had a beard since the '60s.
That was kind of his trademark.
It was going gray, though.
I'm getting the feeling you still don't know...
- do you know who he was? - That makes me chuckle.
- You don't know who he is. - Are you joking?
Name three of his most prominent works.
Prominent works? What do you consider prominent?
Just a title of any of the things he wrote.
How about one word from the title?
If you said "death,"
you'd have a good chance.
- 75%%% of his books have "death" in the title. - Or "winter. "
A lot of the "death" ones, a lot of the "winter" ones I loved.
We just gave you both of those.
Which "winter" one did you like?
- "Winter Wonderland"? - Oh my God.
- That's not... - Did he write that?
That is a Christmas carol, Tim!
I think we should move on.
I think we should talk about something that Tim knows,
like, "What's your favorite candy?"
like we did the last dinner party.
I didn't... I brought it up...
You talked about how much you loved Charleston Chews
- for 45 fucking minutes. - That is an exaggeration.
Yes, you did. "Sometimes I freeze them. "
Wake me when you're done, Tim.
There's the phone. There's the phone. Thank God.
- Hello. - Tim. O'Flaherty.
- Hey. - I want you to come by the bar tomorrow.
- I want to talk to you about something. - You want to talk now?
Let's do it noon tomorrow, buddy. I'm busy right now.
- Let's keep chatting now. - I'm sorry.
I got a lot going on. Noon tomorrow?
All right. Noon tomorrow.
All right. Got to go.
Where were we? What were we talking about?
Uh, yeah.
I'll have the "Death in the Afternoon" lunch combo
and the Norman Walker nacho supreme.
Okay. Oh! There's my golden boy!
Big crowd here. What's going on?
Well, they're all literary nutheads
and they want to see the booth where Norman Walker died.
Oh, that is messed up.
Messed up all the way to the bank!
Cha-ching cha-ching cha-chi-chi-ching-ching.
Don't dance. Don't dance. That's really...
And I'll tell you what... they would love to talk to the idiot
that he was talking to when he croaked.
- I'm the idiot? - That's you.
- You're the idiot. - It seems in poor taste.
Who are you gonna offend? Norman Walker?
He's dead. Come here.
All you have to do is sit here in this booth, pose for a few photos,
- and you and I will split the proceeds. - Honestly, I couldn't.
I don't have it in me to behave that way.
You don't have it in you to make $200 in an afternoon?
So you are the last one he spoke with?
- Is that right? - Yeah, he chose to speak to me last.
That is so cool.
He clutched at my shirt and said, "Who loves you, baby?"
- Wow. - "Who loves you, baby?"
- Like "Kojak. " - Poetry.
- And then he was gone. - Did he tell you what he was working on?
Did he tell me? I told him.
You told him what he was working on?
I helped shape the story. I helped inject it
with a lot of the inherent drama that I thought it needed.
- How did you do that? - You kids want to take a picture with me?
O'Flaherty, a quick photo for these boys.
- 30 bucks upfront. - Here you go.
All right, everybody say, "I drank myself to death at O'Flaherty's!"
"I drank myself to death at O'Flaherty's!"
- I won't say that. I won't say that. - Whoo!
Wonderful. All right. Tell your friends.
All right. This feels appropriate.
- Oh fuck. My lungs. - Excuse me.
Are you... are you Timothy?
Listen, I'm on break. If you want to shoot on by later...
- I'm sorry? - You want to eat nachos and Scotch?
- No. - Oh.
No interest in that.
- I have a letter for you from my boss. - Oh.
She would like to meet with you.
- Holy shit. - You swear a lot.
I really... I started. I started swearing and smoking.
- Good. - This is the book place, right?
Simon & Schuster, yes.
It's a publishing house.
That's what I meant... the publishing house.
Well, you said "book place. "
You chuckling condescendingly?
You're serious?
You want me to co-write Norman Walker's final work?
Yeah, that's the idea.
From the accounts I'm hearing,
it sounds like you two had a student-mentor relationship...
that kind of give-and-take thing.
Well, I don't know who you're talking to, but...
"We had student-mentor relationship.
- It was a real give-and-take kind of thing. " - Nice, Marcy. Nice.
- You're not quoting me, are you? - I'm taking notes.
You know what, Tim? We just feel we can market the heck out of this thing.
- Market... - Marcy, show him that fabulous mock-up.
- Show him that thing. - Here it is.
- Oh my God. - I mean, that... that's gonna sell books.
I think we should put the brakes on here.
My writing...
I'm... I'm... what?
- Tim, this is not our first barbecue. - Okay.
I am sure you're an awful writer.
- Excuse me? - God-awful writer.
- That's insulting. - Just the worst.
We can team you up, however, with an excellent ghostwriter.
- So what do I do? - What we need from you
are quotes for the press "blurbs. "
- You just want me for the blurbs? - Just the blurbs.
Just the blurbs, Tim.
You're the blurb boy.
- This is exciting. - I've got to be honest.
Right out of the gate, I'm not enjoying myself at all.
That's not a good way to start.
Look, let's just bang this sucker out by Tuesday.
We'll be done with it and we go on with our lives.
- Tuesday of next year? - Next week!
- Next week? - How long does something like this take?
Oh my God. This is not a good collaboration so far.
There's nothing to gain here.
If it's great, they'll say he did it.
If it stinks, they're gonna hang that on you.
I get nothing either way, so let's just bang it out.
The publishing house seemed pretty confident with you.
Wait! I have a book!
This is gonna be easier... listen to me!
- We have to write the book. - I wrote an autobiography
of an "American Idol" contestant... he got kicked off.
He was fucking awful. He was a loser.
But the book is good. I say I tweak the ending of that
and we hand that in. It's done.
What kind of tweak would that be?
- What are you talking about? - His novel's about the war.
You can change some names.
It can be Lieutenant Paula, Captain Simon.
With all due respect, I think we're gonna part ways here.
- I'm gonna write it myself. - That's not gonna happen.
I'm sorry, my friend, but I need the bread, pal.
- You need the bread. - Why do you repeat what I say?
I'm gonna write it myself like I said.
I'll cut you your check on the side.
- Could I be honest with you? - Yeah.
- You're not a writer. - Oh no, I am.
- You're not a writer. - I smoke.
I was gonna say something about that.
That is the uncoolest smoking I've ever seen in my life.
- Hey, Tim. - Oh, hey, Amy, just give me a second.
- I'm on a roll. - Sorry. Sorry.
I'll leave you alone. I just want to say how impressed I am.
- Are you serious? - Well, yeah.
That's great to hear. That's so encouraging.
- Killing the guy in the foxhole... - Mm, yeah.
...and then saving that other guy's life with the tourniquet...
Where he ties it up with the thing? Oh, man.
- Just so intense. - I didn't write that part.
- That was the war part. - Oh.
I'm doing the part he didn't finish.
Okay, well, where are you taking that?
Well, I'm working on it. I got till Friday.
- Let me just read it. - All right.
"As I stumbled across the cold tundra,
the ground was frozen solid
like a frozen Charleston Chew. "
Wait, what?
It's alliteration... the "ch-ch. "
You like that?
- Oh, man, I am fucked in the ass. - You are.