Improved By: Fidel33 Sub Upload Date: October 16, 2015
RICHARD: It's important you understand...
It's not you, it's me.
What we have is so special.
I love you more than I can say.
But I'm sorry.
Truly, Because... I fucked up.
Look... I owe you an explanation.
But honestly, I don't know where to begin.
Well, Maybe there...
at the beginning.
You see. I grew up above a great party.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
- (LOUD MOANING) - WOMAN: Oh, Gordon!
YOUNG RICHARD: Mommy?
GORDON: She's... she's in the kitchen.
Just what are you doing?
I'm waiting for your mother to bring out the hors d'oeuvres. Now bugger off.
RICHARD: After school. I used to love to listen..
...to my father lecture.
GORDON: Now the faculty would have me teach it was Wordsworth.
Keats and Coleridge who, in writing about love.
Defined the Romantic Age.
And they've told me to ignore Byron.
Mad, bad, and dangerous to know was how one of his many...
...lovers described him. He was controversial,
Now did you know, this esteemed establishment told Byron
that he wasn't allowed to bring his beloved dogs to college.
So he said "screw the rules".
He went out and he bought himself a bear.
Brought it to class on a chained leash,
He tied up to that very pipe just there.
So, you see, it was Byron who defined the Romantic Age,
which wasn't about love. It was about going your own way.
Defying authority and following your heart.
Sticking it to the man and as many women as possible.
Now that...that is Romantic!
(LAUGHTER)
And if the faculty don't like me saying so,
Well, they can take this job and they can shove it.
Because like Mr. Bob Dylan, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more!
(CHEERING)
RICHARD: Dad hated authority... and everyone loved him for it.
All I wanted was to be just like him.
Forget the critics.
Let them have their opinions.
Let them publish their books and brag about them at tedious...
...faculty parties and let university librarians
file those books away.
The faculty has called this class;
"The Romantics and Literary Theory".
I want you all to forget the second half of this sentence.
There's nothing theoretical about the Romantics.
"Where true love burns, desire is love's pure passion.
"It is the reﬂex of our earthly frame
"that takes its meaning from the nobler part, and but translates...
- "the language of The heart". - KATE: Wakey, wakey, Professor Haig.
Oh. Shit. it's Saturday, isn't it'?
No, don't look like that. Are you sure about this?
I mean, I make a terrible first impression.
Will you relax, Richard? My dad is gonna love you.
Really?
Yeah. You'll have lots to talk about.
Yeah? Corporate Hard-nosed raider meets
libidinous Lit professor. It's a match made in heaven.
I just want my dad to meet the wonderful man
I've been dating for the last six months,
Six months?
Broke your record, didn't I?
- Crazy. - "Love is begun by time.
and time qualifies the spark and fire of it all."
Relax. You're still very sparky, darling.
Really sparky, I mean...
Well, my Liege, I must hie me to Heathrow, thou to London'
- chimes of 6:00 sharp. - Sure, of course.
- Sharp. - 6:00 chimes.
(MUSIC)
OLIVIA: Sal, Sal, I've got to go. Why?
Because we've been talking for so long.
I've lost track of time. Space and myself.
SAL: Hello, hello, Olivia?
- DOORMAN: Not to worry. Madam. - I'll call maintenance.
We'll fish it out later.
SAL: Are you there'? Can you hear me?
- Please don't. - Hello?
Olivia?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Aúpa! There you go.
Are they fishing your phone out of the drain?
OLIVIA: No, I told them not to.
I am cutting myself off from the world.
Footloose, fancy-free.
Won't That be lonely'? An island unto yourself?
- No. - Madame?
Can I have a glass of red wine, please?
BARTENDER: Yes, madame.
No, I would populate the island with all new people.
People that I actually like.
Yes, but then things change. The people you thought you'd like...
turn out to be as bad as the people you left behind.
Soon you're moving to another island and so it goes on,
ad infinitum.
You know my solution?
Get along with everyone.
Really?
Then why are you here alone in a hotel bar on a Saturday night?
Well, I certainly wouldn't keep you waiting.
Exactly. Because you never know what kind of...
handsome stranger I might start talking to.
"I do desire we become better strangers."
Pulling out the Shakespeare.
Is that line successful for you normally?
I had my moments with it.
You know? Comme ci. Cumme ca.
DOORMAN: Excuse me, sir. Ma'am.
Oh.
Thank you. You're so kind.
There you go. Back on the grid.
Why is that the most helpful people are always around
when you do not want any help?
Yeah, well, give him a minute. He'll be back with a shoemaker.
On the other hand, it's nice to be looked after...
- ..every now and then. - Mm-hm.
The other day, I found myself opening a door for a man.
What happened to chivalry?
You know why guys open doors for women?
No.
So we can check out your asses as you walk by.
Well, You're just full of all these amazing insights. Aren't you?
I can tell within one minute of meeting someone...
if I want to be with them.
How about me?
Do you want to be with me?
Yes.
For one more minute.
Okay.
You've got a minute.
What are you gonna do with it?
KATE: Olivia? Oh, my god! Hi!
What are you doing here?
I... I was in Dublin in... in the book festival.
And Dad called me and told me that you were coming,
that he was meeting you here and that I should come and surprise you. Surprise!
He ﬂaked on us, didn't he?
KATE: Yes.
So how did you two make the connection? Hi.
You're the famous Olivia?
My beautiful sister, Olivia'
Olivia, my gorgeous Englishman, Richard Haig.
- Thank you. - You look great.
KATE: So, me, my dad and my mom are staying at this hotel
that we always stay at, And my dad keeps running off.
Saying he has meetings or appointments or whatever.
And finally my Mom gets fed up. And she decides to tail him...
...one day, to one of his "meetings".
Ends up following him to the other end of the beach.
Where Livvy is staying with her mom...
And all hell breaks loose.
Our dad is leading a double life.
Like raising two families at the same time.
What a naughty boy.
KATE: Right? Crazy.
Anyway, I take Kate to the beach. I'm sitting there and I'm
trying to process everything. You know? What my father did.
My poor Mom.
And the fact that I have this little, lovely sister.
For me, I mean, I was stoked. I always wanted a big sister.
And I decide the only way we can protect each other from this craziness
is if Kate and I make a pact, no secrets.
Absolute honesty.
From this day forward. We would tell each other everything.
Hmm.
No matter what, always.
KATE: And we have. And we're, like, best friends.
So, Livvy. How is your Alan?
What?
Ah.
Please, tell us about Alan.
He's great.
KATE: Livvy's Alan is the Alan Sloan, you know,
- the romance writer? - Really?
And Livvy edits his books and they're totally in love,
Madly and totally in love with a romance writer?
That sounds fascinating.
Well. No more than the Romantics professor's passion
for his students, surely.
- Oh. - Livvy. Be nice.
Yes, Kate.
Would either of you like a little taste of my steak?
KATE: No, thanks.
It's very tender.
You're unbelievable, aren't you'?
I'm sorry?
Of course, on the verge of graduating, going home.
She's the perfect catch for you, isn't she?
- Hey! - I get it. I get it.
He's hot and funny and smart and he's got the suave accent!
But all I see is a Lothario with an eternally wandering eye
who simply charmed the pants off you. Literally.
Livvy, what are you doing?
Kate, I know. This feels like love, but no. No. No, No.
This is not love. This is a ﬂing!
How do you know? What are you even saying?
Obviously, you are looking for for a father figure, but in our case.
it means a self-centered, cheating womanizer who's not to be trusted.
And you're just so young, you can't see it.
Really? How young were you when you ran off with Anwar, huh'?
- We thought I was pregnant! - Well, I am.
- What? - What?
I... I wanted to tell you earlier. But...
Pregnant, with a... with a baby?
Yeah. I wanted to tell you another way.
But this is like so weird. I just...
No, this is the perfect way. This is really the perfect way. I think.
You know what? This is great. Really great.
- Well, that was so heartfelt. - Livvy, Livvy.
Thank you so much for supper.
Remind me never to do this again.
I'm just gonna go outside and get some fresh air.
- What do you mean? - Excuse me. Air.
- Yeah. Run. - What?
- Richard? - Yeah?
- Richard! Look. - Yeah! I'm here.
I know I just dropped a bomb on you back there,
So. Right here, right now. I'm giving you the out.
I just want some air. That's all.
You just need some time to think.
It's... it's fine. I get it,
So, I'm moving to L.A.
Oh.
I got a really cool job at a venture capital firm.
You're full of surprises today.
You'll love L.A. It'll be like Cambridge-ish, but with
a lot of palm trees and like. Chicks with tans and stuff.
Oh, honey, you're all clammy.
Really. I just need some air. That's all really.
Okay.
Yeah, okay. I'll be back in there, go ahead. You go.
- Richard. - Yeah?
You're going to be a great father.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Did you have a good dinner then, sir?
(VOMITS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
GORDON: All right, where the buggering hell have you been?
I said 6:00.
Sorry about that, Dad.
Didn't realize your grumbling ran on such a tight schedule.
Bloody miserable out there as usual.
Agh, agh, agh, don't touch that!
Oh, good god. Dad, I'm not five-years-old.
JOAN: Hi, Richard, dear.
Hello, Joan.
How is everything'?
Oh, just terrific. Thanks for asking.
You still boffing the Yank totty, are you?
Yes, she's a great girl.
Bright, beautiful, ambitious.
You mean, a horrible little upstart,
determined to 'go places'.
So tell me, when are you going to start going places?
Oh, good god, please don't start with this again, Dad!
GORDON: Oh Come on, Jesus, Come on when I was your age. I mean I'd been
the head of the department for seven years!
Yeah, and it made you so happy, didn't it, Dad?
All right, what's the grievance today'?
Split infinitive, too many used? Too many women with jobs?
It's his waterworks.
He's got to go back into hospital next week.
- Stop talking about my cock, woman. - Tell me something, Dad.
Why did you and Mom get married?
Now, what kind of an
inane question is that for a Thursday evening?
For a man who revels in reckless promiscuity.
Your four marriages do beg some questions.
Your mother fed me regularly.
She pleasured me half decently now and then.
What more could a man want?
Oh, I don't know, friendship?
Someone to see the world with, have a laugh with.
Maybe even start a family with.
Good God, man.
You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.
Dad.
Now you listen to me. This might be the most important
bit of advice that I ever give you.
American women may be fun and Victoria's Secret when you
first bed them. But as soon as they get their claws into you.
They stop fucking and start eating.
And the only ass you're gonna get is a fat one!
Why did I open my mouth?
American women invariably become spouters of self-help
platitudes, they're addicted to designer labels, dieting and frozen yogurt.
- Overall, thoroughly nasty, selfish, vain creatures - That don't fuck.
Thank you for your fatherly advice.
Good night, Joan!
GORDON: Bugger off, then!
See if I care!
Kate! Kate!
Screw Cambridge! I'm in.
- Really? - Really.
- Really? - Yes, come on.!
Up and away we set off
Secretly scared we'd get lost
Up in the clouds over the town
Beyond the wall
Some of us knew we might fall
Under the weight of it all
And though we'd been warned of the oncoming storms
Still we stood tall
So from the moonlight
Straight to the sunrise
This will be our time
Free-falling nosedive
Look into the world, Jakey.
It's a beautiful world.
Ooh.
Do you need the booby now'? Do you want the booby?
Yes, There's a boy after my own heart.
The whole world in our sights
Like a miniature paradise...
Okay, family. Here we go.
Here you are. Jakey. Welcome home,
A modest 'little house' which your granddad bought your
mom out of guilt. Don't fall in the pool'
KATE: I won't.
You probably will never meet anyway.
He has a very bad habit of never showing up'
KATE: Hey.
All right.
Oh, I'm gonna call Livvy. Can you take the baby'?
- Sure. - Okay.
Okay.
I know it's easier to read the critics and the CliffNotes.
But forget about them.
Read the poems, Put the time in.
After all, "Nothing will come of nothing".
What was that from? Hm?
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Anyone?
Hey, there you go!
DARYL: Yeah. I'm having trouble getting on the Wi-Fi.
What's the password again?
I think they're all on Prozac.
ANGELA: Did you hear from the university yet?
Um, no, they went with the other guy.
ANGELA: I told you to kiss ass more.
Angela, please.
Well, I'm sure something will open up soon at ULA,
Yeah, well, one can only hope, can't one?
In the meantime, I'm glad that you're still
slumming it here with us.
You city college lot don't pull any punches, do you?
We will go 16 rounds with anyone.
Bring it on.
(MUSIC)
(LOUD CAR HORN)
Assehole.
JAKE: Asshole.
Never let me hear you say that word, Jake.
The word is "ahh's-hole" not "aah's-hole."
Can you say "ahh's-hole?"
- Asshole. - Yes, elongate the A.
There we go.
I'll get them. I'll get them.
Oh, where...
Mama.
No, Mama is at work.
She'll be back later.
Mama.
No, that's Hummer.
Hummer.
Hah, well done. Hummer.
- KATE: Pull over, - BRIAN: What?
- Pull over! Listen to this voice-mail. - I can't pull over.
RICHARD: I thought he was saying Mama, and then I realized
he was pointing at one of those absurdly oversized tanks
driven no doubt by some idiot with an absurdly
undersized penis. Jake...
- BRIAN: This is not an oversized car. - All right.
KATE: He knows.
Hey there, sexy. Where are you?
- I'm in New York. - Oh...
ALAN: Honey, do I look chunky?
Didn't mean to call you sexy. Wrong person.
No, I look good.
OLIVIA: Hah-hah, very funny. Is Kate there?
She's not back yet. Still banking. Busy counting things.
Well. Tell her to call me right, right away.
Because I have something really big to tell her.
Well, no secrets in the family, pray tell?
I can't believe that I'm about to tell you...
KATE: Richard. I don't know why this is so hard for me.
I've been trying to tell you now for weeks.
- Alan's asked me to marry him. - I'm in love with sombody else.
You're what?
We're getting married!
Don't act so surprised that somebody asked me.
- Are you on the phone? - Who... who is it'?
Who are you talking to?
Answer the question! Who is it'?
I just did!
Who's on the phone?
- Hello? - Kate! Kate!
I have to call you back! (DISCONNECTS)
What? Hello?
I was just. I mean. I was really young. Okay?
Really young. Not that you're not, of course.
But I really thought that I loved you, but clearly I was
working through Daddy issues. And then I got pregnant,
and you were just trying to do the right thing.
And you've always been a really good father, but let's face it,
you never really loved me. But Brian does.
Brian? Brian? That little idiot from the office?
He likes to talk to me about start ups and acquisitions
and exit strategies.
I mean. All the stuff that you think is so boring about me.
It is boring! God!
Why do you have to be so goddamn English! Talk to me!
You can leave me. But I am not leaving that boy.
Brian.
Richard, why can't you just talk to me?
Now. I know two years in the pool house makes me look
a little nut but I'll say two things.
First, your Mom and Brian hated me being there, which was
the most wonderful incentive to stay. And secondly...
I wanted to be close to you.
MISTY: Good morning!
I think you're going to want to see this.
Oh, Let me see it.
Is the Big Bad Professor awake yet'?
JAKE: Jake to Dad! Breaker, breaker!
You got your ears on? Um-okay...
- Are you awake? - It's Jakey, just a second.
Get up. Are you having a sleepover?
Hi, Jakey! Good morning! Where are you?
Can I come and play?
Just a second, Jakey!
- Hey. - Hi.
Would you mind just skedaddling for now'? It's my son,
Your son'? I love kids! I babysit!
Sorry about this. The perils of parenthood.
It's okay, it's okay.
- Come and see me during the week. - When?
- Make it a Surprise. - Oh! I love surprises, Okay, I will.
Okay. Good-bye. (SLAP) Whoo!
- Who's that? - What? Oh, just a friend of mine
Very busy lady. She had to leave. There you go.
Aren't these uncomfortable?
That's why girls love it when you take them off.
Come on, let's get some pancakes.
Dad. Get on with it.
So, there we were.
And then, last week, everything went pear-shaped.
MISTY: I have the papers you asked for.
Will that be all, Professor?
For now. Yes, thanks.
Great.
ANGELA: Excuse me.
Newest member of the TA of the Month Club?
How dare you insinuate such a thing.
You have a visitor, Be nice.
Send them in.
PICKARD: Thank you,
Professor Pickard, what a delight!
How's your father these days?
Loving life. He is Happy as a clam.
That's good to hear. Well. I received your..
..application for the position at the University'
I was in the area, so I thought I would just pop by
and invite you to a soirée I'm giving tomorrow.
- Splendid. - The faculty will be there, of course.
I thought it might be a good idea if you do come by and
just sort of butter them up. Not me, by the way.
- I consider myself lavishly buttered. - Oh, Well that's good to know.
So we'll see you there'?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
ALAN: "Dustin Kalarney" just sold its 5 millionth copy.
You're unbelievable!
ALAN: What?
Here I am splayed out like an open-faced sandwich
so we can have a baby. And all you care about...
NURSE: Mr. Sloan?
ALAN: Um.
NURSE: Would you mind signing a copy of your book for me?
Of course. Did you like it'?
Are you kidding? It was great.
Really? Is that Desiree with two E's or one E?
Ow! What the hell was that for?
Oops, it slipped. Can I have my phone back, please?
There you go. You can do it, just concentrate.
Nice big swing. That's it,
Dad, I suck.
No. You don't, you don't. You look great, just...
BRIAN: Oh, who's here! Jakey, what up, dawg?
Yo, give me some love, Blow it up. Blow it up.
JAKE: Jellyfish sting!
BRIAN: Jellyfish sting!
Lots of Love. Now we were just playing a little ball here.
Oh, right, right. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
That's all right, Okay.
Hey, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Dude, you're a righty. You gotta
switch your hands around. Come around there.
Go ahead.
- Bat up. - Keep your eye on the ball. Hit it to Dad!
Owwww!!!
- Sorry. Dad! - It's okay! Agh!
Are you okay? Are you okay?
I'm okay, son. I'm all right.
It's just an occupational hazard'
BRIAN: Yeah. That looks pretty bad.
No, this? It's okay. Jakey!
- Hey! - Hey.
- Did you remember Atlanta? - Yeah, No. Atlanta?
- Brian and I, four days. Conference. - Got it.
We leave the day after tomorrow?
Good, sounds good. I'll be there.
- Well, no, you'll be here. - I'll be here, but...
- Yeah. Here's Jakey's schedule. - Great!
I left a copy in your room, and another one on the fridge.
All right, that's good.
- So. Um, yeah. - All right, I'm on it.
- Okay. - Jawoh!, mein Fuhrer.
Okay.
No, I understand. But I strongly believe that three
slaves is enough. It's enough' Come on.
(LOUD MOANING)
You!
Dr. Collins!
You miserable son of a bitch!
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
RICHARD: Yeah!
Jesus.
Come in.
Shouldn't you be at work?
Yeah, covering the Asian markets.
Oh, hey, by the way. I can get you in on a pretty
sweet no-load. These guys are killing it right now.
I can get you 15%, 18%. You just say the word.
The word is no. What is it you want'? I'm busy.
This letter came for you, it's about your green card.
I'm sorry, bro, I opened it before I saw who it was addressed to.
Just read it, Brian. Thank you.
I mean, you've opened it. Just read it.
All right. "This is your final warning.
"If you and your spouse fail to attend your interview next week,
deportation proceedings will be initiated."
Blimey, mate.
Looks like you could be in a spot of bother with the bobbies!
Keep working on the accent, Brian.
Close the door on the way out.
- Cheerio! - Shut up!
I love the dentist, I'm not drooling am I'?
ASSISTANT: Hello, Mr. Haig. Thank you.
You can't Drink alcohol when taking this medication.
- Really? - Yes.
- No? - No.
Absolutely not. Wouldn't dream of it. Thank you so much.
- No alcohol. - Good.
- We'll see you soon. - Can't wait'
Look forward to it. Thank you so much.
- No alcohol. - No alcohol.
- I mean it. - I mean it, too.
Okay, let's go this way.
Anytime you feel like it, jump in and lavish me with praise.
ANGELA: Copy that.
- So glad you could make it. - Oh, thank you.
- Here you are. - Thanks, wonderful.
Please, help yourself to refreshments.
My wife made her famous cheese balls.
Please be sure to try one and compliment her accordingly.
Will do. Mm.
There are some very, very important people here.
I'd like you to meet them, Mm.
And they are your kind of people, Richard.
Come this way.
My dear colleagues. This is Richard Haig.
This is Professor Vale, Bates, Berg,
- Ang and Professor Jones. - Hello.
Can we do that again? I forgot your names already.
(LAUGHS)
JONES: It is a damn shame we didn't hire you. What was it.
Three years ago?
Three years, two months and 17 days. But who's counting?
- You know, I met your father once. - Oh, yeah?
He delivered a fascinating lecture, a retort to Terry Hearts.
a hermeneutical reading of Milton's "Paradise Lost".
Wish I'd been there for that one?
Where are you from in England? And are you a Rich or a Dick?
I'm a Richard.
- Your father took a structural stance... - You know. The missus and I. We love it over there.
- We go every summer. - You do? Great.
(ACCENT) Cheers again, matey! (LAUGHS)
Richard, I want to let you know that these
fervent minds here have taken great care looking over your
application materials,
Never trust an Englishman who doesn't drink, Richie Boy!
- Syllabus... - On an epistemological level.
Academics, Yup-Yup-Yup-Yup-
PICKARD: I do have one small question for you, however-.
This one is the biggest yapper of them all.
How are the Romantics relevant to today's students?
You want me to answer this question now?
I'm sure we'd all enjoy hearing just a taste of
one of your lectures.
A taste?
A mere amuse-bouche, is all.
Why not the whole meal?
Why don't you come down and see me in action?
You know, I happen to be free on Thursday.
Christ, what about that?
I see you've already met my wife.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm just going to go outside for a moment here.
And just jump in front of a bus.
ANGELA: Where are you going? You didn't even say goodbye.
That's true.
Bye!
I wonder if he was ﬂirting with me?
Oh, my god!
(CRASH) Oh, shit!
Oh, bollocks!
(SIREN)
Shit. Good evening, Officer.
Oh, boy, have I been drinking?
(LAUGHS) Oops.
I drink every night. (LAUGHS)
How about you. Oohh!!
Can't we all just get along?
Thanks.
Oh.
Thanks again for "Bailing me out.“
and for the silent treatment.
KATE: Don't talk to me.
I still can't believe it.
- Can't believe what? - I wasn't talking to you.
And I wasn't talking to you, my darling.
Little fornicating ex-wife.
- Shut up, Richard. - Alan dumped me.
What a small world, my... my wife did exactly the
same thing. She used to adore me.
Where, oh, where did the love go?
She turned 30 and wised up.
So. Uh, what's going on? Why are you here, Olivia?
KATE: Thank you so much for helping out.
It's the least I can do.
Helping... helping out? Helping out with what?
I needed to know that Jake was going to be looked after, fed and
driven by a responsible person with a valid driver's license.
Fine, why her?
Livvy offered to come at a very difficult time for her.
To bail us out of the mess that you put us in!
You know what? I've had enough of this.
You know. You say "l" a lot.
Really?
Well, I know that Jake loves having you around.
But I'm getting phone calls from your immigration attorney
Because you don't ever bother to call him back!
I can't be in your life any more!
I'm enabling your degenerate behavior!
And what is the point of all this right now?
Richard, if you want me to pretend like we're happily
married. So you can stay in this country,
you better get it together.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Yeah?
GORDON: Gotcha. I woke you up, didn't I?
Dad? Is that you?
You know. There are no time zones in China,
- Did you know that? - The whole bloody country
is on Peking time and that's the way it should be.
- We should all be on Peking time. - Don't be a dumb prat.
The whole world should be on London time.
Okay. What do you want, Dad?
How's the little turd?
Don't call him that.
Come on. You're far too bloody sensitive.
All right, great to hear from you, Dad.
Why don't you go badger Joan? Okay?
She's not here.
Oh, shit! Okay. I've got to go. Goodbye-.
Richard Haig?
Thank you.
ERNESTO: So your interview is Monday. This is the forth quarter
now, two minute warning, you got no timeouts left.
What the hell are you talking about?
If your ex-wife won't show up to your interview.
It's going to be Hail Mary time, baby.
Okay.
So, did you get a full-lime job?
I'm doing my best.
Have you recently joined any terrorist organizations?
Applied all over. Fingers crossed.
Have you ever been arrested?
Umm... DUI.
When? How many years ago?
Friday.
I mean, they can't kick me out of the country for that,
- can they? - Jakey's a U.S. citizen.
You see the people in my waiting room? The kid.
Born here. The parents, illegal. They're deporting the parents!
Oh. Yeah, it's Game seven... win or go home time.
All right, look. if you join a recovery program now...
- What? Recovery? - You do the 10
mandated sessions the court's going to give you for the DUI.
10? That's going to take me weeks.
Hell week, baby, two-a-days. You get your
ex-wife to your interview and you get a great job.
You do all that and you get the ring, baby. Okay?
Yes...
...of course.
Hijos de puta.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(CAR STARTS)
Ay!
(CRASH)
Oops!
Everything all right?
Yeah. Why?
Want to borrow my car?
Okay, if you're not using it.
(DEEP SIGH)
(CAR STARTS)
That's good! That's good! That's good!
Oops!
It's okay.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
What?
Did Kale tell you about the one-way system at pick-up?
Uh-huh.
No. I didn't think so. It's okay.
All right, Toots, step on it!
Oh, boy.
Stop sign! Stop Sign! Stop Sign!
- Car! Car! Jesus. - (CAR HORNS)
Agh. Jeez.
Where the hell did you learn how to drive?
Mexico.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Oh, can you please get that?
Where's my phone'? Where's my phone'?
- I'm waiting for a very call... - Here you go, Sorry, it's down here.
Hello?
ASSISTANT: Olivia, I have Tim Prince from Creative.
Management Lit for you.
Okay.
Can't he dial the phone by himself?
Ssh!
TIM: Hey, babes!
Hi!
Yeah, oh, listen, so sorry about Alan. Awful.
Thanks, Tim. Thank you.
I caught my ex-wife in Downward Dog with my tantra
teacher coming out of her Central Eye. You feel so...
- Angry. - Who the hell is this guy?
TIM: Okay, listen, babes, if anyone can go from editor to
author, it's you, and I mean that. And I've got your sample
chapter, Give me a day or two to look it over.
- Of course. - I'll be gentle. I promise.
Who says I like it gentle?
That's my girl. Okay. Gotta jump.
- Bye, babes. - Bye!
Fascinating exchange.
How can men move on so quickly?
What?
It's like a switch for you, isn't it?
You ﬂip it off. Then you turn to the next one, you ﬂip that
one on, and when you get tired of that you just ﬂip another,
Like a pilot in a cockpit, Flip, ﬂip, ﬂip, ﬂip, flip, flip, flip
What the hell are you talking about?
Wishful thinking, Richard. I wish I was like that,
Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road! Do not enter! Wrong way, wrong way.
- Oh. Relax. Relax. - I am. I am very relaxed.
- You're like an old lady! - Oohh!
You men. You'd rather just go out there and have sex.
Than work things out.
Yeah. Guilty as charged.
But your horniness is nothing but a big mask
for you to hide behind.
Now what's wrong with a big mask'? Huh?
- Let me ask you something. - Yeah.
How can you teach the Romantics. When you can't
Even have a real feeling?
Is irritation a real feeling? I mean, listening to your ﬂirt
on the phone with some guy who's calling you babes.
- Oh, please. - Oohing and ahhing.
No, I like it gentle. Good lord,
Anyone would think you were having an orgasm.
I do not sound like that when I...
Anyway, you should hear some of the
stupid noises you guys make when you're...
You can't even say the word. Can you? Come on,
What do we sound like?
For example. You have the bear...
Ah-aa.
(GRUNTS)
I can see your tonsils.
Then you have the sports commentators.
(RAPID SPANISH)
Oh, yeah?
Baja la pelota, recibe con el pecho, mete mano en el área chica. Gol!
- What kind of men have you been with? - And then there's the quiet ones.
(SQUIRMING)
You finished?
- No. - Of course not.
And then the worst one, the worst one is the Tourette's one.
- What? - You know. "Shit, Fuck!
"I love you, fuck me! Oh, motherfucker, bitch!
I love you. Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!"
Hey, that's sounded like you, Dad.
Ah.
I heard him once on the Walkie-talkie.
Mr. Haig, do you have a minute?
Of course, I do. Come on, Toots, this way.
ANITA: This morning, Jake said he had a question about the rules.
He asked if he was allowed to use the Special Alphabet.
Oh, boy.
I didn't know what that was.
So he asked if he was allowed to say the "A" word.
Oh.
Then he asked, "Can I say bugger, crap, dummy?"
And when he got to F, he said, "Am I allowed to say 'frick,'
Because I know I'm not allowed to say fuck."
It was at that point, that I sent him to
the principal's office.
Then what did you say for G?
Goddamn.
CHANDLER: Mr. Haig, how is Jake adjusting to your new...
living situation?
- No. No. - No. No, this is not
what it looks like or what it sounds like. No. No. No. no'
CHANDLER: We don't need to have an explanation.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
- I would never... - You've said enough.
Oh, wonderful!
I'll walk to the curb. Mind your hands!
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here? Um, I'm just going to get...
some delicious Potatoes Latinos. Hah-hah'
Hah-hah, yeah. And maybe a manicure?
Or a bikini wax.
Bye! I'll see you later. You take care,
- Whatever. - Bye.
WENDY: We have two new members today.
We have Cindy and Richard. So, Cindy, you want to...
CINDY: Hi, I'm Cindy and I'm an alcoholic.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Cindy. Uh, Richard?
Hi, I am Richard, and I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm English, a country with... a few thousand years of history,
And part of that history is the communal practice of having a
drink in the pub.
Now I know it's not your fault a few sad, sorry. Pilgrims
arrived here and infected your country with a message of...
Puritanical masochism. But it is your fault you've all taken
it on board quite so earnestly. So... you chaps go ahead.
Knock yourselves out!
But just know this, the first thing I intend to do when
this hour is up. Is hit that bar across the street
and have a nice cold one.
CHAD: Good luck with that!
Thank you, Chad.
How are the Romantics relevant to you?
MALE STUDENT: Yeah, you know. The only reason I'm taking
this class is so I can get my GPA up,
so I can play baseball at Arizona State. so...
How about you, Stacy?
how are the Romantics relevant to you? Hm?
STACY: They're not.
(SNORING)
You have been such a wonderful audience. I can't
wait to see you all next week, when I shall be lecturing
naked wearing a sombrero. It'll be so wonderful!
Fuck me.
TIM: Olivia?
Hey, babes! There you are!
Oh, Tim, Hi!
TIM: How are you, beautiful?
Okay. About this...
This rocks!
Really?
It is smart. It is funny. Oh. I love Jenna.
Jane.
You might want to change that.
Sex sells, Jane makes me think of a nun in a wimple,
God, but you are so talented,
You're so beautiful, too. And trust me, that helps, babe.
I'm gonna take you to the stars. I am gonna take you to the stars.
All I ask is that these shoulders be the ones you
stand upon. Watch the silk, though? Huh?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
- Hello? - ERNESTO: Richard. Listen.
They've assigned your case for investigation.
Really? What does that mean?
You're under surveillance by an undercover federal agent.
- Jesus, fuck! - Yes, Relax.
Sorry. Sorry.
Shit. He's here tonight. He just flashed his badge.
Don't fumble the ball now!
All that matter is that you exhibit good moral character, okay?
WENDY: Okay, everybody! Grab a seat!
Okay, so, Chad, I believe you wanted to start us off?
CHAD: I'm Chad, and I am 13 days sober.
- Yeah! Way to go, Chad! Woo-hoe! - All right, Chad!
All right, so why don't you tell us how that feels?
CHAD: Well, you know. It started by not going...
Wendy? Excuse me, Wendy, just a moment there, please.
Sorry, everyone. Can I say something?
Sorry, Chad, I didn't mean to interrupt your moment
of glory there. Um. My name is Richard.
and I'd like to amend my earlier comments about the drinking habits of the English.
I mean, just because the entire country hits the pub after work doesn't mean
we can't all be alcoholics, because we are.
We are inebriates. National disgrace.
What else? I'm married, very happily so.
Oh, and I have a son. A beautiful little son called Jakey.
Born here, in this country, a country which I love and has such meaning to my heart.
So, Richard...
with all of that to lose,
why would you get drunk and then get behind the wheel of a car?
Yep, Well, there you have it. I'm an alcoholic.
Oop, I'm Richard, alcoholic.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES) Sorry. Yeah.
Jakey?Jake, no, no, no. no.
No. Jakey, just tell him, just tell him...
tell him just to calm down.
WENDY: Okay, no more cell phones.
(CRYING) Hey, hey, I'm here, I'm here, it's okay. It's...
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
It's all right, don't worry. Don't worry.
Ssh. I know, I know. Come on, Jakey, calm down.
Calm down, just breathe. There you go'
Breathe. Breathe, okay, ssh. Relax, use your words.
- I...I had a bad dream. - Okay.
Then I woke up, and Mommy wasn't here, and you were gone, And...
Aw. I'm really sorry, okay?
Hey, you know what we're gonna do'?
We're gonna blow that bad dream away. Okay?
(BLOWING)
Here let me catch it.
And then..
Pooww!
Look, how it's all gone. Okay. Give us a hug.
All right. Where's Teddy?
Oops. There he is.
All right, let's go to sleep. Come on, Say good night.
Good night.
There you go. My little warrior poet.
Go to sleep.
Dad, you and Mom are never going to live together, are you?
No.
I'm sorry, but if you're ever upset about anything.
Anything at all, you go talk to your mum or talk to me.
Or Brian?
Only if I'm stuck down a mine and your mom's in a coma.
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
I... I was completely useless.
No, It's okay.
I can't even take care of my little sister's child.
I mean, how hard can that be? Right?
Have you ever felt like everybody else has gotten their
shit together, but you?
I mean, my little sister has. Even you have.
Huh. Well, I wouldn't go that far,
Look, it's just a lot different when it's your own kid.
Well, I wouldn't know about that, either.
Listen, I made some soup. Would you like some?
It's horrible.
Sure. I love horrible soup.
I know, it's horrible. I can't even make a soup right.
Oh, boy.
You know, you're a really good father.
Oh, yeah, sure I am.
Richard, I'm giving you a compliment. Just say thank you.
Thank you, Olivia.
I like it when you say my name.
You know. It's funny. Most women adore me to begin
with, and then end up hating me.
You, on the other hand, hated me right off the bat,
but now I think you despise me.
No, I despised you at the beginning.
Now, I just loathe you a little sometimes.
Well.
I've been staying inside
Watching from the outside
My God, it's been a long time
For sure
I've been reaching for my west side
'Cause it used to be my best side
Now it's a part of me I can't find
Anymore
I wanna fly...
I packed your toothbrush. Your pajamas, and...
Hey. Guys! What's happening?
- Where are you going? - My Sleepover!
Oh, yeah! The sleepover, of course. All right.
Well, give me a kiss and have a good night. There you go, soldier.
- Cool! - Have fun, Jakey!
- FRIEND'S MOTHER: Let's go, - Good night.
FRIEND'S MOTHER: Enjoy your night off.
(MUSIC)
(KNCKS ON DOOR)
Hello?
TIM: Oh, there he is. What's up, Rich?
Hi, Richard.
Yeah. Great, well done.
Leaving now, yeah, good Sorry about that.
Yeah.
He's a little weird, huh?
(CAR STARTS) Bye!
TIM: Hey, I'll be back for more, huh?
Bye, babes.
Had to leave early, did he?
Well, he did stay until he got the job done.
That was good of him.
Yeah, he's gonna come back tomorrow and bring a
friend. So we can all do it together.
The more the merrier.
Oh, for Christ's sake, we were working and then he
went surfing. You idiot. Now where is that bottle of wine?
I could use a drink.
Came on up.
There you go.
Apology accepted.
Oh, good.
To friends.
A bit old for homework, aren't you?
Well. It's never too late to perfect new ways of
boring one's students.
So. You must be very excited to have Tim all over you.
So to speak. about your book.
Well. Tonight he tore me to pieces.
Ooh.
It's hard to be judged by others.
It's very difficult to stay true to your own voice,
when everybody else wants you to do something else.
It made me think of Alan.
All the notes that I gave him through the years.
It must have tortured him.
So it's not all bad, then.
I'll be honest' I always thought he was an arrogant.
Little shit. whose books were vapid and hackneyed.
And all I could ever think about when I skim-read them...
was you.
Me?
You.
Yes. And what could have been worse?
Being married to him or editing his schmaltzy drivel?
They both sucked.
Do you know who he's screwing?
MY gynecologist!
My gynecologist! I mean.
I actually thought that he was coming to our
appointments because he cared!
But no. He wanted to see the doctor!
Maybe you're better off without him,
Think about it, you're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful.
Terrible driver. But I'm sure you'll find
someone to overlook that.
You're just saying that.
Well, you are smart, you are funny
and you are very, very beautiful.
- What the hell happened to my car? - Oh, Shit!
Oh, my nuts! They said they weren't coming back until tonight!
- It's a good thing it's a military vehicle. - Oh, my God!
Okay, okay. To the house. To the house.
SEÑORA: Buenos días, Pedro.
PEDRO: Buenos días, señora.
KATE: Get the keys, sweetie?
Oh, you know what? I think I left my phone in the car.
Hi.
You're naked.
If you're wondering where Jake is,
he's at a sleepover with Josh.
- Why are you naked? - Richard's sleeping in his house.
- I'm just gonna go and swim little more. - Unbelievable.
ANGELA: Hey, how's the lecture coming'?
I've passed kidney stones with greater ease.
Well, don't overthink it. Just be honest, pithy, simple.
You know something? I think you're the first
woman I've ever really been friends with.
Well, that's a little sad. Richard, but very touching.
What brought about the sudden onset of sincerity?
I slept with someone and...
it actually meant something.
Well. That's great, Who?
Olivia.
Are you kidding?
Richard, why don't you go down to your green card appointment.
Take out your samurai sword and disembowel yourself?
What is wrong with you? Are you trying to get deported?
I mean, Kate is gonna kill you!
Well. Kate's not going to know about it, is she?
I mean, I'm not going to tell her, and Olivia's not going to tell her.
They are sisters, Richard! Close sisters!
And close sisters talk.
I gotta get over there!
- You better move! - I'm going!
Oh, god!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
- Kate, Hi. How's everything? Good? - KATE: Hey.
Olivia told me everything.
Oh, she did?
I think it's awesome that she's started writing.
And she said you were really nice to her when I was away.
Oh, wonderful.
You know, I know I've been kind of a bitch to you lately.
Oh, that's okay.
And threatening not to come to your green card meeting
was totally out of line. I'm sorry.
Yeah, live and let live, forgive and forget, all of that.
- We're cool? - We are so cool.
Okay.
Do you want to get me some lemonade?
- Good idea. - Thanks.
Okay, great.
Oh, god, where is she?
You smoke?
(WHISPERS) I Can't Stop thinking about last night.
Nor can I.
- We have to tell her. - No, no, no.
- This is not good timing. Olivia, Olivia. - Dad?
That's gone to your head. Get back in the bush. Get behind the bush.
JAKE: Dad? There's a funny, old man here that wants to see you.
What?
Dad! What are you doing here?
Why in buggering hell have you been ignoring my calls?
Well...
Oh, hello, this must be the Yank totty!
Kate, my father.
Oh, my goodness, Mr. Haig!
It's so nice to meet you.
Wow! Oh, sorry, I'm soaking wet.
I need a shower anyway.
Oh. And who is this other vision of loveliness?
I'm Olivia. I'm Kate's sister.
Blimey... Bookends.
KATE: Well, come inside, I'll make you up a room.
No. No. No. It's okay. Dad. Come with me. Come to the guesthouse.
- We've got plenty of rooms. - No, that's okay. Dad, come with me.
- Are you sure? - You're staying with me. I promise you.
- Nice to meet you, - You. Too. And...
RICHARD: Why exactly are you here?
I'm visiting you and the little turd fella.
What's it bloody look like?
Well, I don't Really know, I mean...
Jake, meet your grandfather.
Yeah I'm your granddad. I've got something for you that I brought
all the way from England. Would you like to see it?
Now that is a model of "HMS Defiance."
Wow.
God. Dad, you never let me used to touch that.
- What? - Okay, I'll be right back.
Well, hey! Wait a minute. Where you going?
You can't bear to be in the same room with me for two minutes, is that it?
No. That's not it. Dad. Not at all.
Can I keep it?
Of course, you can bloody keep it, it's yours.
But don't put it in the bath, because it'll sink.
- Look what I found! - Hey, cool!
Where shall we put it? Here?
- On the top. - Yes, on the top.
Hello, my lovelies.
All I'm asking is, can you wait till Monday morning at 11:00?
Why?
My green card interview...
and then after that,
you can tell her what you like, okay?
JAKE: Dad, I need to go pee.
Come on then.
Hey! Where the bloody hell are you two going?
- Come on, hey, Jake! - We're going to go for a pee, Dad.
Hey. Jake, whip it out, come on!
Dad, you can't Pee off the pier.
Jake, who are you going to listen to? Your dad, who
for some buggering reason has turned into a boring old fart?
Or your grandfather. Who's lived a rich and full
life and doesn't take shite from anybody?
You, Sorry, Dad.
There you go. Come on up here. There you go, up you go.
Wait. Come on. You. Too! If you're still my son. That is.
All right, on three.
One, two. Three. Yeah! that's it.
Well, somebody had their vitamins this morning. Huh?
You know. There are coconuts over there?
Great isn't it? There you go.
Beautiful. (COUGHS) Oh, dear.
All right, all right, all right.
That's good stuff. Put on some tunes, huh, guys?
Oh, look at this This is paradise, man.
You've ended up in paradise.
You know, they must be freezing their bollocks off in England.
(LAUGHS)
Why are you really here?
Well, Joan left me, silly cow,
Well, I'm sorry.
Truly.
Oh. Well, well that makes me feel so much better.
I mean, God almighty. Thank you for those
profound words of sympathy.
Well. It's a lot more than you
ever said when Kate left me.
Well, I warned you about her.
She was a rampant. Little Yankee trollop.
You know what, Dad? Of course. Joan left you.
You're a misanthropic, misogynistic assehole who
doesn't give a fuck about anybody,
least of all the poor saps who you got to marry you in the first place.
Is that it? Is that all you've got?
And you did it all in the name of some misguided credo called
fun. Which you brainwashed me with in the first place.
Guys, dig this song?
Bugger off!
That's it then. Is it. Boy Wonder?
So you finally got it off your chest, have you?
You know what, Dad?
Why don't you just bugger off for once.
For once.
Why don't you be the one to bugger off.
Brian, go back to my wife.
Go on.
Just...just go back.
WENDY: Thank you for that wonderful sharing.
Seriously, this has been absolutely a marvelous session.
I've learned so much.
Give yourselves a big hand, everybody!
(APPLAUSE)
Wendy, I was wondering if you could sign my form to
show that I've done the 10 sessions?
I'm sorry, Richard, I can't.
Why? I mean, I came, I did the whole "I'm an alcoholic".
But it's not about just saying the words,
you have to actually mean them.
Great seeing you. Thanks so much.
Cindy, right?
I just spent the last week listening to that drivel.
So some witless, little ninny won't sign a piece of
paper to say I'm an okay kind of guy! Absolute bollocks.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Hey, you wanna get a drink?
Actually, maybe not, I've got a grueling lecture in an hour.
How about a joint?
Just kidding. Bad joke, I don't want my son to find it.
I don't touch the stuff, its my dad's.
He likes to puff.
Okay.
CINDY: Good luck with your lecture.
Thank you.
I want you all to imagine you're at Cambridge University.
The year is 1807.
You walk across the quad of Trinity College into the lecture
hall where you find your fellow classmate. Lord Byron.
Who in defiance of college rules about dogs has brought
a bear to class instead.
You know what?
Forget about that.
Why are the Romantics relevant today?
Hmm?
Honestly, they're not.
Stacy got It right.
And Dwight, he can't Stop thinking about homeruns and
fastballs when he reads Byron and Coleridge.
Because...
we're teaching words.
Words. But we're not teaching meaning.
I got it all wrong.
I can tell you about Byron and his bear.
Wordsworth falling in love with his cousin.
Coleridge falling in love with cocaine.
I can tell you what's behind the words from them.
But I can't tell you what's behind those words for you,
Because this class is about you.
Learning to find your own meaning.
Your own voices.
Go read the poems. But know this. That at this moment.
You are the Romantics. You are the relevant ones.
Let Byron, Coleridge, Wordsworth inspire you
to do your thing. To go your own way.
Stacy, quit texting. Call him, right now.
Dwight, go play ball. Ignore anyone who says no, you can't.
Follow your hearts. Do good things, be bold.
And above all else. Stick it to the man.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, Dad, I totally fucked up my audition lecture.
I stuck it to them, all right.
I stuck it to myself in the process, too.
Hey, listen, you silly old sod, you just bolted before I could
apologize, Why are you so thin-skinned these days?
All right, call me back.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
$4,000 should cover it.
What?
Your Mustang, Richard, it's got Sienna Red paint there all over the back fender.
Unmistakable.
1954 MG TFs do not come cheap, my friend.
Absolutely not. Can I give you a check?
I would prefer cash.
I want to be the first to congratulate you.
Welcome to the English department of the University of Los Angeles.
Yes!
Oh, good!
Oh, Thank you, boss.
I guess we'll do the other side as well.
Let's go have a pint.
A pint of what? Oil?
A pint of what... Witty. I'll always laugh at your jokes.
Hey! I got the job!
ULA! Knock it out of the ballpark. Home run.
Congratulations!
I feel fantastic! And I feel fantastic about you,
Now what we did. Making love... no. Listen. Please. Hear me out.
Kate and I have been separated for two years!
Why should we feel bad? We're grown-ups, You know.
And if Kare doesn't like it, she can bloody well just go...
hey. You! Ah, Brian. Okay, okay, in the vault.
Oh, Kate.
Olivia.
My best friend.
Total trust.
No secrets!
We... we we're going to...
You know what? If you want him, take him,
but get out of my house!
Well, now, maybe... okay.
Thank you.
Ernesto, sorry I'm late.
Where's your wife?
Not coming. She sends her regards.
Okay, strike one. She's not here.
Strike two, you failed the recovery program.
We may be 0-2, but were gonna swing for the fences on
the University of Los Angeles.
- Morning, Officer Lewis. - OFFICER LEWIS: Why has it taken
nearly three years to schedule this interview?
Well, my client never received all of the
notifications from ICE.
Is this your handwriting, Mr. Haig?
Some of it is. Some of it's also my son's...
working on his cursive.
Can you explain this?
Yes, well, that's not my fault.
Painkillers, dental surgery.
My client's done 10 sessions of a recovery program
to show his good character.
LEWIS: Where's the lefter of completion?
In the mail, with "bew-locks" written on it?
It's "bollocks," actually.
Officer Armstrong?
Please describe how Mr. Haig tried to offer you marijuana.
CINDY: The other night, as I was leaving the recovery center.
Mr. Haig asked me if I wanted some marijuana..
Under California law.
Distribution of marijuana is a felony.
That's true.
What is it you say. Mr. Haig? Cheerios?
RICHARD: There you have it. The whole sorry saga.
Ernesto did do one thing to justify his exorbitant fee.
He got me this one hour with you.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Jake.
OFFICER: Time's up.
Jake, please. I really am so sorry.
I love you. Do you hear me? I am so sorry.
"That is no country for old men.
"The young in one another's arms. Birds in the trees.
"Those dying generations at their song"
So what's Yeats saying here?
He's a 60-year-old man looking at young people, screwing and
living, blissfully unthinking about their own mortality.
Yeats knows he's just an aged man.
But his dreams are of Byzantium.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Hello?
HOSPITAL WORKER: This is Memorial General,
we need to talk to you about your father.
What the buggering hell are you doing here?
You hate hospitals.
GORDON: I do, I hate bloody hospitals.
But I love the nurses.
(CHUCKLES)
How's my little Jake?
He's all right, Dad.
You know I...
I don't think I could have done what you did.
You stuck with that boy through all the muck and bullets,
You're a better man than I, Gunga Din.
I don't know about that, Dad.
You still shagging the... Yank totty's sister, are we?
No, I blew that one.
Threw away a pearl beyond price.
And tony. And totty's sister. None of us are talking,
It's all a big mess.
Marvelous bloody place, though, isn't it? Californ-i-a?
Mm-hm.
Sunshine, beaches and girls.Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Marijuana.
God, how the buggering hell did I miss out on all that for so long?
You came.
You saw it once.
It all goes so fast.
These buggers here, they don't think I've got long.
Well, it's all a load of bullocks, really.
What is?
You know, there's nothing honorable in misery, Richard.
Carpe diem!
Boff and be merry!
Now listen. You listen to me carefully,
This might be the most-
BOTH: important bit of advice I'll ever give you.
For God's sake, man. Go and get your bloody girl.
Go on.
Bugger off.
Hey, Richard...
You remember my epitaph.
Of course I do, Dad.
Of course I do.
(THUNDER AND RAIN)
Byzantium is the place he longs for,
He needs to make this journey.
I'm goibg to sort this all out. I promise you.
- Okay, Jake? - How?
I'll Skype you tomorrow, okay?
Is she talking to Olivia yet?
Olivia's book launches here next week and Kate
isn't even going. She's icing everyone out. Even me.
All right, see ya, Brian.
RICHARD: Yeats knows that unless he makes this journey,
Unless he defies logic and authority.
Unless his soul claps hands and sings out loud.
He is nothing more than a tattered coat upon a stick.
(LAUGHS)
You old bugger.
There is a country for old men. If not now, When?
(CONNECTING TONE)
Ernesto, Richard Haig. Cómo está?
Adios! Adios, amigos.
JAKE: Hey, Dad.
Hi, Jakey.
Go to the door and tell me what you see,
Okay.
Oh, look at you, boy. Oh! Look at you.
Richie!
Thank god you're here, dude! Oh, thank god. Thank god.
- You can let go now, Brian. That's okay. - Okay, All right, Okay.
JAKE: Can you believe it, Mom? He's really here.
- Hi, Kate. - Hey. How did you get here?
Uh. I just came across the border.
It's an old trick of mine.
What if you get caught?
I won't, I'll be gone before they know it.
Hey. Remember my lawyer. Ernesto?
He's gonna sort this whole mess out. Okay?
Yay!
Don't you worry, It's only going to cost me a fortune.
And look, Kate, we can't keep going like this.
I mean, Jake, he needs his mom and dad to be adults, right?
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry we hurt you.
Olivia wanted to tell you, and it was my fault she didn't.
But you're sisters, come on.
Cut her some slack.
Life is so short, Kate.
Like my dad used to say, carpe diem.
Let's boff and be merry.
- Okay. - Great.
Great. And one last thing...
can I take a shower? Please?
BRIAN: He really stinks.
(CLINKING GLASSES)
Thank you everybody for coming.
I would like to thank my agent Tim Prince.
I would also like to thank my ex-brother-in-law Richard.
He was the inspiration for the
burnt-out recovering alcoholic cop who saves the day.
(LAUGHTER)
Although he doesn't know it, so let's not tell him.
And lastly, I would like to thank somebody very special to
me who couldn't be here today.
Which is nobody's fault but mine.
All right, Here we are.
KATE: Hey.
I'm so sorry.
- So sorry. - I'm sorry. Too.
Let's never fight again, okay?
Come here.
Let's go back inside.
Just give me a minute, all right.
Okay.
RICHARD: Hi.
You came!
I came, Piece of cake.
I came because I love you.
I came because I need you.
I need my son.
I need my family.
That's why I came.
You want to hear something crazy.
What?
I knew you'd come.
- It's irrational. - It's romantic.
You and I, we've only had moments. Now we have time.
I spent my whole life in opposition to this man.
Honestly, he never did a bloody thing for me.
Except this.
Asking me to scatter his ashes here.
And it saved my life...
because it brought me back to the people
I love most in this world.
Even you, Brian.
You're the man, Richard.
Well, there comes a time. And there's always a time.
And I guess this is the time.
So. Jakey, shall we set Grandpa free?
Okay, Dad...
enjoy paradise!
JAKE: So, how long are you staying?
Okay, Jakey. Listen to me here.
I have to sort out a few things first.
But maybe marrying your aunt might help.
What?
Well. I am down on one knee.
Then get up and kiss me again.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Up and away we set off
Secretly scared we'd get lost
Up in the clouds, over the town
Beyond the wall
Some of us knew we might fall
Under the weight of it all
And though we'd been warned of the oncoming storms
Still we stood tall
Soar from the moonlight
Straight to the sunrise
This will be our time
To free-fall and nose-dive
Out of the black night
Into the bright light
With the whole world in our sight
Like a miniature paradise
Yeah
My shadow is cast on the ground
I'm flying too fast to look down
At the rooftops and trees
And my family waving at me
Soar from the moonlight
Straight to the sunrise
This will be our time
To free-fall and nose-dive
Out of the black night
Into the bright light
With the whole world in our sight
Like a miniature paradise
I go crazy sometimes
Can you believe it?
Yeah, I swear I'm fine
That I'm all right but I'm barely breathing
Thought I could find my way back home
But I get lost alone
But when I'm with you
I'm no longer wandering
And when I'm with you I swear I can breathe
And when I'm with you
I know who I am and who I want to be
I'm not trying to be dramatic, no
Most times I'm pretty normal
Oh, let's be clear and honest here
And do away with anything formal
I can fake it on my own
But I am lost alone
'Cause when I'm with you
I'm no longer wandering
And when I'm with you I swear I can breathe
And when I'm with you
I know who I am and who I want to be
Who I want to be
But I am wide-eyed
With a pension for running
But how many times does it take
Till I find that I'm lost
When I'm alone
And that's not where I belong
'Cause when I'm with you
I'm no longer wandering
When I'm with you I can finally breathe
When I'm with you
I swear to God
I swear to God I'm who I wanna be
I'm who I
I'm who I wanna be
I'm who I
I'm who I wanna be