Sorry, you were given a dirty cup.
Come in.
- Sir, breakfast. - I didn't order any.
- A colleague did. - Who?
I don't know, but... she was nice!
All this paper!
So it's true anyone can write a book today.
Even three or four!
But mine's different.
It's all true, nothing's made up.
Leave it there, we'll let you know.
I'd rather you read it now,
I have to leave the country
and I need a contract to publish within...
four hours.
Get out or I'll call security.
I think you're making a big mistake.
A masterpiece!
So, what do we do?
Will you read it or not?
Sure, sure...
- You seem edgy. - No...
What if I read it to you?
It starts like this.
"As a kid, I'd play a joke on girls:
tell me your life in one minute.
This is my minute".
Them Who?
Your name's David, you're 26, you live in Pomezia
and dream of seducing the world with your novels.
You spend 2,000 euro to publish one
and seduce only a twit aunt.
I bought twenty today too, will you autograph them?
Auntie's boy, a genius!
You side-track and become a journalist,
it's nice, but no money, they say...
What? You've got a great job, want to be paid too?
Another side-track: the press office of Velletri's future mayor.
Colli got nabbed with two hookers.
New side-track: writing texts on the Web for a paint company.
MY ENAMEL HARDENS FAST
One day, you write a despicable slogan.
A masterpiece, you're hired, transfer here to Trent.
You work your ass off and get 1,300 euro a month, happy?
Happy?
All that side-tracking takes you to 36, a woman and a house in Trent.
Your dream? A promotion and 1,700 a month.
You'll get it if you launch a new world product.
But you're not sure...
Admit it, you're afraid of the president.
Afraid?
He's evil!
I have to prepare the Rome launch for the foreign press,
I'll work 24/7 for three months, we won't see each other.
Don't think about me,
you have to follow your dream
and bring home 1,700 euro.
Three months will fly...
Ciao Dream, the perfect sealant "made in Italy".
How does it work?
We treated this square of tablecloth
with our product.
Our friend, nervous in the presence of this lovely lady,
spills his glass of wine.
The lady, just as nervous herself,
drops her orange juice.
How does Ciao Dream work? With this.
Just a spray of halogen ions
will transform a dust of micro-material
into a film of sealant.
We've treated this cell phone
with Ciao Dream.
Will it still work?
Let's see. Auntie, it's David!
Auntie's boy!
When will you get back to writing,
instead of working for those f...
Think of your wife's reaction when you do this.
No one will ever again wash windows and doors.
In a few years, this product will be a household word.
No, it's not an "oh" we want!
We want thunderous applause!
Mr. President, what do you think?
It's crap.
I spend a ton of money to keep the formula secret
and you talk about micro-material!
You said to use big, showy words!
Melli's idea, when he's wrong, set him straight.
We can't be just Yes Men, right?
Yes!
The Chinese want to steal Ciao Dream,
you're dealing with this launch much too lightly.
Don't disappoint me!
The president is wrong.
- You're really good. - Pardon me?
I heard the presentation when I poured coffee,
it was great, you're fantastic.
Thank you.
I have a Master's in Communications,
but I've never found work.
Maybe because when I'm nervous...
- You stutter? - Yes, I balk a little.
If only I had your self-assurance.
But I'm shitting in my pants!
Why? You're a winner.
- A pleasure, Marcello. - David.
My work's done,
how about a beer?
- I can't. - Please!
A fruit juice.
I just halt, I feel anxiety,
I can't do it.
Two girls live across the way from me,
they're gorgeous, both are fashion designers,
they work at night.
I've wanted to ring their bell for six months now,
but I can't do it.
- Why don't you come? - Where?
This evening, I know you can ring that bell.
No...
I'm no good with women...
Besides, it's late.
You have a car, it'll just take five minutes.
They're gorgeous, I guarantee,
and you'll make me happy.
Okay, but at midnight I'm in bed.
Okay, thanks.
Not home.
Hi.
- We live across the way. - The music's too loud?
Ellen, turn the music down.
It's not the music,
it's an Italian custom when two people live across the way,
we say: "Hi, we live across the way".
What a nice custom! I'm Mitra and she's Ellen.
Are you hungry? I'm doing a "carbonata", but I no good at it.
Carbonara!
He can do it great.
Could you help out?
I can't stay long, I'm busy tomorrow morning...
The launch...
Marcello?
Oh, God!
They stole my wallet!
My cell phone!
The car keys!
It's so late!
Shit!
Happy Birthday.
- You idiot! - I know!
Fuck it...
Never again overweight, never again sad,
with Tisanoreica 2, the diet for body and mind,
an idea by Gianluca Mec.
Isn't the Ciao Dream presentation here?
Yes, but it was yesterday.
Today's Thursday the 15th.
- No, it's Friday the 16th. - No shit.
Rome, March 16, 2015
I slept for two days?
Ciao Dream: Patent for Hilarity, the Rave of the Web
...makes any object watertight.
I applied it to this phone which I immerge in chocolate.
Sorry, I wasn't supposed to be here.
Our communicator disappeared.
Now I'll get it back.
It'll come out like new.
Let's move on to the window test.
No one in the world
will wash windows anymore.
Sure, if you break them all!
The paint... Who is it?
Mr. President, the sleeping pills!
- You're fired. - Mr. President!
One more word and I'll strangle you.
Me, too.
Mr. President!
What do you mean: "Our account's been drained?"
A guy withdrew four 5,000 euro checks signed by you.
You understand a person by his handwriting?
Try me!
Sign your name.
- Are you hiding something? - No!
Look...
The bank allows a 20,000 euro withdrawal without checking?
- I'll call them tomorrow... - No, they called you.
You said it was okay.
I can imitate voices after hearing them just once,
I do them exactly the same.
Who went to the bank?
A policeman, tall, with a beard.
I don't believe this!
They took everything I had.
I have nothing left!
I'm here. Don't I count?
- Look what I found. - A notification.
"The defendant pulled the alleged Mitra aside
to consummate a sexual act!"
It's like being in a dream.
- Let's toast. - Yes.
I can explain.
I went there with Marcello,
for an innocent carbonara.
But which then...
Sorry!
Sorry, I was an asshole, forgive me!
No, if a guy lets himself be robbed of everything
to go to bed with "Mitra",
he's no asshole,
he's a jerk.
Why forgive a jerk?
Out!
Mr. President, thank you for receiving me...
No, don't thank me.
I'm pleased to tell you personally
I've sued you for damages.
I'm asking one million euro.
We'll have such fun.
I've got the most asshole lawyer around.
But I was robbed.
Yeah, by a waiter, Marcello,
who nobody ever saw.
You spent the evening before the launch with hookers!
I can explain everything.
I need no explanation, it's a crime against the company,
the local police are looking into it,
headed by Officer Gallinari, an old friend of mine.
He's here today, I'll introduce him.
Toni, this is the accused.
My pleasure, I've heard talk of you.
Relax, Toni is extremely objective.
I'll see you very soon.
How nice you're returning to Pomezia!
One thing's not clear to me...
This revenge of yours,
is it a novel, by chance?
Yes, in fact I could use some help,
200 euro, if you have it, even 300.
Of course, you're a genius!
I think it's because you were an orphan.
I was 33!
Does your car run?
Thank you.
This works?
Auntie's boy, what else do you need to write your revenge?
A hammer.
That house was used for a con operation!
That's impossible, we rented it to Father Marcello.
- Where's this Father Marcello? - Isn't he your parish priest?
- Luisa introduced me to him. - No, Silvana knew him!
No, Mr. Diamanti introduced us.
Nunzio introduced him to me.
I see, thanks anyway.
Father Marcello, came to my house.
You know, for a meeting...
a spiritual meeting, but don't tell my husband, he's atheist.
He forgot this.
It might be useful to you.
The Last Bandit, a rock 'n' roll life
- Dr. Marcello bought it. - Who's he?
My very best customer, so charming.
He's a surgeon, he reads all kinds of things.
What's his last name? Where does he live?
I don't know all that!
I just know he loves the Them.
- Them who? - It's a band, Them.
He never misses a concert.
- Do you know Them? - Them who?
Them who?
Yes, I know them, they're playing tomorrow at the Kasbah.
Maybe... you never know with Them.
Thank you all.
Remember, not one mask is to be left,
burn them all.
You're great! You rock!
- Why don't you cut a record? - We like it this way.
We play around and when anyone asks about Them,
what do people say?
Them who?
- I know, them who, them thieves. - Darling!
How are you? I still love you.
But you're violent... He's violent!
- You broke two of my ribs. - Come outside.
Knock it off, don't hit me.
It was just platonic love with Gino.
Stop it!
I'm saying 'stop', it's over, get a grip.
This guy's a thief, you idiot.
Calling me an idiot?
Violence won't resolve anything.
Guys, please.
Goodbye, my love! I'll never forget him.
Nice.
You don't know him? You all wore his masks.
He brought them, he wanted to have a flash mob and concert.
- He's Gum's friend. - Twobits brought him.
- No, he's Snake's friend. - He's his friend!
What?
Maybe the only one who knows him is the faggot?
So, what do you want from me'?
And you ask?
- You ruined my life! - What tension!
- Don't you ever have sex? - Fuck off.
Okay, okay...
Stop breathing down my neck, I'll pay you back.
- 20 thousand? - Are you crazy?
That was my bank account, I lost house, job and girlfriend!
You should be paying me, all three sucked.
You're even fucking with me? I'll kill you!
Want to kill me? Go ahead!
C'mon, push!
Just one little nudge.
Why wait?
I'm not scared of dying!
And not even of killing.
Just don't think about it, not before or after.
Okay, we've even.
The fuck!
You threatened me and I'll shoot you.
I'll shoot you!
Actually, I'll shoot myself.
They look real.
Perfect, but it's 100% chocolate.
Want some?
Somebody's always got a longer one in this world, that's not you today.
You're a beggar
and I don't steal from beggars.
I thought you were a manager, I was wrong.
Let's make it 50 thousand, see you here on Saturday.
Just a second...
Your little hammer, David.
See you on Saturday.
That's no good, maybe you don't get it.
I go where you go.
- No trust? - No.
Okay, let's go home.
Here we are.
Roberto Ricci, Lawyer
You're a lawyer?
No, it's my folk's place, I'm just picking something up.
I'll turn the alarm off.
What a house!
I don't see why you steal, you're loaded.
Yeah, it's fun being a con man, when your lawyer daddy covers.
You don't miss a trick! Come here, I'll show you something.
Alfonso? They never put a fire in the fireplace.
The house is cold.
Take a look at this!
A guitar.
Elvis Presley's guitar.
Original? I can't believe it!
200 thousand euro.
Run, there's a second alarm!
Why run, it's your house!
Shit!
Wait!
You gotta give me my money, not get me mixed up in con games!
You wanted to follow me.
I'm a serious person, I work every day.
- You call it work? - Run!
- Ambulance? - No, police.
Climb over!
Fuck you!
- It was open. - I noticed.
Can't go that way, let's go through here.
There's a guy Sleeping!
- Threaten him with the gun. - I ate it.
- We'll sing! Know "Who?"? - No.
The one by Fausto Leali.
Who
will I smile at?
What are you doing here?
Home Serenades.
A lady sends this dedication:
"I've never forgotten you!"
The voice!
Ready?
Who
will I smile at
if not at you?
- How did you get up here? - Service to the floor.
But don't worry, we'll leave by the door.
Wait!
- Who made the dedication? - We can't say.
It's anonymous.
By chance is it a certain Enza Cuppi?
Yes, but I didn't tell you!
I'd also like to send a song with dedication.
It would be nice, but we can't,
replies aren't provided for.
- It's done personally. - Yes, I'll do it myself.
Never do that ag... the cops!
- It's the cops. - Oh, God, they'll arrest us!
Cool it!
This was just to repay you, I don't want you underfoot.
- We stole... - You stole!
I stole a fake, didn't you hear the sound of it?
Here... a second!
- Good grief! - There was a car key in the bunch.
- I'm going. - You're an idiot!
Come here.
I'm not getting in that car, the cops are here!
Stand there with the guitar, it's safer.
Sir... no?
That's the way ...
See? That way!
Hi, girls.
See who I made peace with.
Look who's here!
- Nice to see you again. - Not for me.
Show him how it looks.
Look.
- Optical illusion gadgets. - What do you say?
The sense of these smiles escapes me.
I'm no friend of yours, I'm here for my money.
Don't make Ellen mad, she's a weight-lifter.
It's Styrofoam!
Very funny.
He's such a likable guest, we'll have a party tonight.
- I'll do the cooking. - Great!
He always does the cooking.
He does his own ironing too.
I don't see how you got the lawyer's house keys.
- Thanks to her. - His wife needed a dog-sitter.
I lived there for a month.
What are you, a clan, a gang?
We're a family,
like all families, we try to make ends meet.
A toast to those we love.
When do I get my money?
A scam just went wrong.
There's the Apulia Festival, it's all set, the sites are ready.
I'm leaving tomorrow. Coming?
C'mon!
- Are they serious crimes? - Swindling, fraud...
- All very legal. - Perfectly legal.
In Italy there's no arrest for swindling, just a report.
Which gets withdrawn because the case lasts ten years.
There are excellent incentives in the swindling field.
I'm leaving tomorrow morning at 7.
We're sleeping in the blue room.
Find yourself a room that's free.
If you should feel lonely...
have some chocolate.
- Night! - Bye!
What is it?
Think it's chocolate?
Taste it.
Taste it!
Plastic.
Okay...
What will you do now?
Call security or hear the rest?
Go on!
"All night I thought about what to do, then..."
Why are we going to Apulia?
We're guests in Trani, fantastic!
- Guests of who? - I don't know. Why all the gab?
Look at the sky, it's full of possibilities.
- Watch those gems turn. - My gems too...
Welcome.
Hello, young man.
Don't put it in the sun, or I'll change hotel.
Hello, we'd like a suite.
Pecker, what's the name of the suite?
The suite.
Mr. Pecker thinks being an assistant means assisting.
Take notes, make a call, do something!
Pardon me please.
What is it?
Mr. Pecker, did you book?
No, I don't know a thing, I assist!
I don't give a damn, I'm not doing this festival.
Madame director...
All I asked is a 100 thousand increase, you'll chase talents off!
In San Remo,
I gave my lifeblood.
Who psyched up Fazio? Who calmed Bonolis?
Who tried in vain to bleach Conti with the lights?
When Cat Stevens fled, who brought him back?
Me! Don't put it on this level.
It'll wind up bad.
Hung up.
Hello, I'm the hotel director, how can I help you?
A pleasure.
A friend of mine recommended this suite,
but we don't remember its name, right Pecker?
If I may, who is this friend of yours?
Morandone, good ol' Gianni.
Gianni Morandi!
- Of course! - His stay here was unreal!
Yes, he was here last year.
The suite is free, how long is your stay?
A RAI director's secretary is asking for a Mr. Potent.
- I checked, but... - What a pain.
Let me speak to him.
Why insist? I signed with others.
Piersilvio believes in me,
he gave me the direction of a 24-episode TV serial.
I'm location scouting in Trani.
If all goes well, I'll set up here for six months.
And you can go bust a gut!
- I'm sorry. - The suite is ready.
- Just a signature and a document. - Mr. Pecker, the passports.
Don't tell me you left them in Barletta!
These guys with their connections!
If I get reborn, I want to be a hotel director,
you're so sexy, with these uniforms.
What the fuck are you doing, go get the passports in Barletta.
Don't worry, you can give them to me later.
Enzo, take the gentlemen to the Royal Suite.
You said we were guests.
Aren't we? Look at that view!
All that sky!
How did you know Morandi was here?
That's my job, finding secret information.
- Where do you find it? - In the papers.
You're always on the Internet!
Newspapers are full of secrets.
I'll show you.
I subscribe to 66 magazines.
Who's this?
Gianni Morandi.
A book on tourism: a 12-episode serial was shot in Barletta.
Tourism doubled.
Trani and Barletta are rivals, here they die of envy,
24 episodes would be this city's dream.
Watch how turned-on they get! I'm calling the mayor this evening.
I heard you're location scouting for a TV serial.
You're wrong, I'm here on vacation.
Fantastic!
You'll have a government car at your disposal and...
our Pro Loco organization.
You are our guests, I've already spoken to the hotel.
I can't allow that, it's deontology.
I can't allow you to refuse our hospitality.
Have you reserved for dinner?
I can't believe it!
That guy insisted on keeping us at their expense.
The con victim must always beg to be swindled,
because I make his dreams come true, I'm an artist.
No, an artist creates works.
What good are those works?
They're just Internet links.
I create stories in the real world.
I'm a composer of reality.
You organize swindles to steal people's money.
Every artist must be paid, if he gives emotion.
Excuse me, I'm an actress,
I'd like to leave my resume with Mr. Potent.
I light my fireplace with resumes,
I need a close-up that rocks the screen.
Yes.
Not bad at all!
I can agree with you,
Mr. Potent.
Laugh.
Laugh hilariously.
Now cry.
Desperately.
You're in line at the post office.
On a streetcar.
Now, dead tired.
No, I need strong emotions.
Climax.
- What did you say? - Climax.
Great!
You'll do a screen test for Rebecca Wolf.
Thank you.
My resume, Mr. Pecker.
Call me Daniele.
Thank you.
See? I gave her an emotion.
She'll always remember the evening she climaxed
at the restaurant, it will be her legend.
But there's nothing real, it's a bluff.
Emotions are always real, the rest is a line at the post.
Mr. Potent?
I have a beautiful farm,
if you'd like to see it, maybe for pastoral settings...
Wake up! The director's waiting for our lighthouse trip, we're late.
I came down on time, you were late.
Okay,
we're drinking champagne we won't pay for
and we have a room full of cold cuts,
but the money, how will you get it?
I don't know! Do you know the ending of a book as you're writing it'?
I cast the net and see what I pull in.
And if they look for Mr. Potent on the Internet?
Ellen created ten fake sites.
98.8% of Internet research stops at the first page.
We have to go, a local boss, Don Ferrante, is waiting for us.
Mafia? Are you nuts?
If those guys figure us out, they'll hog-tie us, mafia-style!
You're an artist and artists fear nothing.
You can do what you want out on the sea,
no one sees or hears you.
Can I talk to you about a problem? Please sit down.
My son... Gerardo!
My son Gerardo wants to be a director,
he's studied, he's good, but he has no work.
Can you help him?
What was your thesis on?
On the editing of early Kurosawa.
That's great for the Stone Age!
What about "Like Three Slugs"?
- What? - You don't know that masterpiece?
Let's move to techniques.
What's a techno-digital-bluetooth-cyberquick?
We don't learn these things at the university.
Go clean the cod.
It's not his fault, he has the brain of a grouper.
The truth is, we're ignorant.
Mr. Potent, if you give us a chance,
I'll be very grateful.
Gaetano, the fish.
Surprise!
You think you can buy us.
What's your job? You're a mafioso, right?
Relax, I mind my own business.
But if I say I'll give you some money
and after that, Pecker watches your back, what would you say?
Him?
We can do this,
I'll take Kurosawa and try him for a day,
if he's got potential, I'll take him and the money,
otherwise, friends like before.
Unbelievable! You're provoking a mafioso?
He offers you money? Take it.
Ferrante's key word is "blackmail".
They want to move from crime to art.
And so?
If they manage that by paying, they stay mafiosos,
but if the boy has the stuff for it, it's a dream come true,
a ray of sunshine in the Ferrante house.
What do you care about making mafiosos happy?
Know what your problem is, Pecker? You're small.
Let's not all talk at once!
Mr. Mayor, it's Potent.
I've decided.
Quiet!
It's Potent, he's decided.
The Board is meeting, I'll put you on conference call.
Your city is perfect for love scenes,
but I'm not sure it withstands action.
I should try a car chase.
How can we help?
At my disposal, I need
the whole body of traffic officers.
They should free up the port area totally.
The Board approves!
- Now we'll have fun. - I can hardly wait.
Today the future of your city will be decided.
The TV serial is in your hands.
The municipality has sent the town band.
- The brass to one side... - We're traffic officers!
How did they dress you?
Officers, who's your biggest asshole?
He'll play the bad guy.
I'll be the bad guy today.
Let them say I have connections.
- We'll see, Mr. Pecker. - What do I do?
Kurosawa, maybe coffee all around?
You're the director, you're in charge.
Pro Loco? Microphone and camera.
You're the crew today.
There's no script, no screenplay, what do I film?
The challenge: you know nothing and must film everything.
A set is a war.
You either live or die.
Go!
Camera, clapper, action, trallalla.
Criminal, go.
Police, go.
Carabinieri, go.
Secret Service, go.
CIA, Mossad.
- What a show. - Director, go.
Kurosawa, run!
Too slow!
People will change channel, you have to sow panic.
But they're traffic officers.
Then why do any test at all?
I'm going to film in Barletta.
No!
Yes!
Slackers, break all speed limits.
Fast!
Ready, Kurosawa?
Here he is! Frame the criminal.
Did you frame him?
Good, the police wheel.
The Carabinieri siren.
The Secret Service from above.
Higher!
Even higher.
Even higher!
A nice dolly!
Now down.
Down!
Lower!
Now get the skyscrapers.
- Pan to the skyscrapers. - Where?
I don't know, use your imagination.
- Kurosawa, where are you? - Here!
Why the shit are you up there ?
You said to go higher, even higher!
Frame the shoes.
Discalced Carmelites, come out!
Get the fall.
You're a disaster! Stop!
Mr. Mayor, we have a verdict.
Kurosawa sucks, but Trani's there.
- It is? - We'll shoot the serial.
I had a feeling.
Why the fuck did I have you study?
As of tomorrow, take a gun and earn your bread.
Yes, I know!
He's a crippled horse.
You're wrong, he's a thoroughbred foal,
he'll give you great satisfaction.
- I'll take him. - But he got it all wrong!
It's a way we use to see if young people have balls.
I understand, we use it too.
Citizens,
in these times of recession and sacrifice,
I'm proud to announce that our city
has been selected to film a 24-episode TV serial.
Excuse me, can I have your autograph?
Thank you!
I'd say it's time to go.
You're making progress, Pecker.
It's the magic of art,
spread joy and take bucks.
- How much is it? - About 50 thousand.
My amount, we're square.
I get nothing, this job doesn't pay off like it used to.
- You can sell this car. - To who? It's all traceable.
In a month the owner returns from the Caribbean,
reports it, and they see where it is.
I'll have to give it back.
What are you doing?
It's my rule, when I feel poor, I throw money away.
Throw your own away!
Don't be selfish, it's bad for your circulation.
Wait!
So, you're not mad anymore?
Let's make up?
First you have to tell me something.
That famous night... you and me...
did we do it?
Don't you remember? It was wonderful.
Until dawn.
In fact, really wonderful.
- Especially the third time. - She's kidding.
Mitra is very careful, she always adds lots of sleeping powder.
So, it's your fault I slept for two days,
I lost my house, my job and my girlfriend?
I'd say so.
Thank you.
Let's go for a swim!
I'm not with both of them.
I love Ellen,
one day she told me she's bisexual.
I said: "Great, we can go pussy hunting together".
But she said: "I love Mitra, it's over, Marcello".
It's too cold!
I took it really hard.
I wanted to jump off the reef.
And then...
to have Ellen, I keep them both.
When they go to bed at night, I suffer.
I suffer too and I don't even love them...
A swim?
Don't worry, I won't kiss you.
When are you leaving?
I'm not, I want to stay with you.
Are you bisexual too?
No, really.
When I dreamed of being a writer,
I dream of living like this.
Like in a novel.
- Don't you need a partner? - I work alone.
Even if I have a 2-million euro heist in mind?
The secret formula of Ciao Dream.
- Who'd buy it? - The Chinese!
They want to copy it, the president is terrified.
No one in the company knows the formula.
The production is done in a sealed machine
and the server is locked in a sort of vault.
How do you get in?
You don't.
But I worked there, I know everything about everyone.
It's like having an inside man.
Together you and I can do it.
We'll convince them the server's been stolen,
we'll get into the vault and steal it for real.
Little Pecker, you're getting swell-headed.
You know the difference between 50 thousand and 2 million?
- One million, 950. - Jail!
I'd rather kill myself.
You can't do a fucking thing! Do a cop.
A priest from Padua, a Polish tramp.
I don't work with amateurs.
Try me.
I learn fast.
Marcello...
please, don't say no.
Let's do this screen test.
Keep moving, Melli,
you're slow, we're late.
Look at that belly! Eat less, exercise.
Look, this is right figure.
Got a euro for something to eat?
- David? - Mr. President!
Help me out, I'm sleeping on cardboard behind the Church.
It wasn't my fault!
It was them!
- Them who? - The Chinese!
They want to steal Ciao Dream.
Go away, you bring bad luck, tramp!
Stop!
I've thought about it day and night,
day and night.
It wasn't by chance that barman
drugged me exactly on the night before the launch.
Because they want
to gain time.
The Chinese are going to steal Ciao Dream.
Go away, you stink!
Let's go!
Bastards! A company of bastards!
What's to look at? I'm a manager, get it?
A manager.
D minus.
But if you follow my advice and take no initiatives,
we'll try.
Sister, nice shoes.
What do you want to report?
An abuse?
A robbery?
Your boyfriend!
It was your boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend.
We'd made home movies,
things people in love do when they're still in love.
I left him
and he put it all on the Internet.
Everything!
I'm now the queen on WeSluts.it.
It's funny? I want to kill myself!
You have no idea what I do in that video.
There was also a...
A...?
A glass of water, please.
Institutions of Italy
Sir...
Don't worry, no one will steal your server.
If anything happens, I'll blame you.
I'll send a squad car to check it out.
Hell no, you have to investigate! I know the Chinese!
You're listening to a drunken bum who wants to be rehired?
The formula is as secure as in a Swiss bank.
Don't worry.
Enjoy all that money.
Not to worry, the fuck.
The line went dead... He's paranoid!
He's scared they'll steal his shiny vibrator.
Where's the commander? It's urgent!
Where's the commander?
Officer Gallinari, and you are ?
Lieutenant Nocis from NCI, haven't you read the fax?
It's an emergency!
The Chinese want to steal the patent of a local company,
the Picopaint.
What's this story?
A Hong Kong informant
says the Chinese have ordered the theft of its server,
an Italian gang will do the work.
- It seems they have an inside man. - Good God, it's true!
The president suspected.
The Picopaint has one of the most important patents in Italy?
Why didn't you place a guard?
You come in to my precinct giving orders? Who the fuck are you?
A fax, just in from the Ministry.
We can't waste time, Gallinacci,
it says you must cooperate, so obey, take me to the Picopaint.
First, my name's Gallinari,
second, I don't know who you are, so now I'll check.
Centonze, call this Nucleus...
Nucleus for Crimes in Industry...
Then connect me.
Who? Nocis, yes, we sent him from the Ministry.
A bastard? He's a super bastard!
But he's great at his job.
He always beats us up.
Just between us,
he's really well-connected.
Don't piss him off, he takes revenge.
Have a good day.
Wonderful, now you seem like Marcello.
Centonze, get the car keys.
Okay, I'll see the president,
but let it be clear, the choice was mine.
There was a pretty blond inside, did you see her?
Your mind's on pussy? Get the car started.
Stop! You didn't hear me.
You don't give orders in my precinct!
Centonze, get the car started.
And I sit in front.
What was the outcome of the launch?
Like they say at Oxford: we looked like shit!
We have to wait at least six months before trying again.
So, they wanted to sabotage the launch.
Gallinella why didn't you realize sooner?
Was your rank a Cracker Jack prize?
I won't accept this tone!
Mr. President, here's the point:
Marcello, the barman, was chosen by the Chinese to steal the patent.
There's not a minute to lose!
Would you like to be my special assistant?
Of course, if it's for the company!
First, we need an Identi-Kit.
- Who's actually seen Marcello? - David Lucchi, the one they drugged.
Where does Mr. David Lucchi work?
Where does he work?
Would you kindly fuck off.
Watch your language, you have to help justice.
Your justice, oh, sure.
He parades around, the president says: "My connections put him here".
- I'll throw you in jail! - Great, I can get a shower.
Okay, they behaved like assholes, but now they know.
Right, President?
We were wrong to fire you,
but it wasn't my idea, right, Melli?
Right.
I insisted and I was wrong.
- Okay, I'm a jackass. - Good.
- We'd like to rehire you. - I'm freelance now.
I get 300 euro a day
and a crate of champagne, this stuff gives me heartburn.
Thanks to the invaluable David...
we have the face of the man who wants to steal the formula.
This will be our base of operations.
My Tiger Team will put out the mug shots.
If David recognizes him, we'll catch him.
- Why not the precinct? - The theft happens here!
I'll guard, they could attack at any minute.
I want to have a toast.
But first, I'll go pee.
I can't bear this, I'll sleep here!
Calm down, there a Carabinieri guard, there's surveillance!
- But China's attacking us! - You must rest.
You're right, then you'll sleep here.
Remember, watchful eyes!
Sleep easy, no one can get in here.
Everything's under control, guaranteed.
Hello?
There a brawl in Wale Mazzini.
They've pulled knives, hurry!
My ex is beating the door down, I'm scared!
Help!
An accident on highway 64, a semi's in flames.
Good evening, I'm at Po Park, my dog just found a foot.
Of course it's human, there's a shoe on it.
- Emergency at Po Park. - On our way.
They've gone.
The Chinese can steal the server.
What do you think of Gallinari?
Like you said, he's got a loud bark, but scared of being a jerk.
When we say he was wrong, he'll believe it.
- There he is. - Are you sure?
Yes, he's the computer technician.
Excuse me,
but isn't that our server?
We're transporters, we're moving that house.
No, that's our server, I assembled it myself.
I'll call the police and we'll see.
Shut up, you idiot!
This is the ear piece...
and this is the microphone.
So we're connected.
- Bye, honey. - Bye.
Pino Quaglia De Rossi, Surveyor Technical Studio
No, it's not him, Marcello has the looks of a smartass.
- These came in too. - How many are they sending?
The Tiger Team is more efficient than you.
Is it the fashion to get on my back? I demand respect.
Yeah, yeah... tell Nocis.
I spoke to him and now even he respects me.
Gallinazza, unspeakable dickhead!
You sent the guard away, they stole the server.
- What are you saying? - What am I saying?
China gave the okay, the theft was around midnight,
because the guard wasn't there.
We had emergencies, that then were false alarms...
Like I said, you're a dickhead.
They wanted us defenseless and you fell for it.
I must respond to calls or get called out.
We work our asses off to save what's left of Italian industry
and you're worried about a call-out, are you a duck?
I'm warning you,
if they stole the server, you'll end up in Corleone.
- I swear! - Let's go check.
Sir, what did you do?
Ouch!
The server!
Insert code 1.
They stole the server? When?
- Does this open or not? - It takes time.
There are five security checks.
How did they get by them?
- Or are they ghosts? - You forget the insider.
Where was the tip-off from? Sydney, Honolulu, Acapulco?
Place index finger on the scanner.
Is that the security camera? What's below it?
It looks like a minicam.
This is a minicam.
Now I see how they got in.
This shows the door, and as they force it
an intact image shows on the security screen.
That's impossible! How does the video signal get in our circuit?
Through the techno-digital-bluetooth-cyberpick.
- What's that? - The fuck I know.
You're the engineer, don't you update?
What's your job?
When the president farts, he raises his hand and says: "I did it!"
- David, I'll kick your... - Melli!
I mean, please leave, there are too many of us.
- Who put this there? - I'm asking you.
Who took the guard off, Gallinella?
Why won't this fucking door open?
You're agitated, the sensor measures heartbeat,
it won't open under threat.
- You have to calm down. - Zen breathing!
President, with me.
Stay calm, breathe deeply.
Sweetheart, it's Nocis, there's an emergency,
I'll see you at the precinct.
- What happened? - The fuck I know. That's that.
Any better?
It's opening.
I'd say it's all fine.
The server with the formula is there!
It hasn't been stolen!
Hong Kong stoolies aren't like they used to be.
I'll make a report, someone might end up in Corleone!
Then why the alarms, the minicam, the tips from Hong Kong?
- I say they stole it. - Do you have grappa for breakfast?
It's been substituted so we wouldn't discover the theft.
I have no time for this bullshit.
They stole the server!
Mr. President, they stole...
It's here!
But last night they were taking it away.
They even stuck a gun in my face.
I was tied up all night in the car.
I'll take him to a doctor.
See? It's been substituted!
Melli, can you tell if it's a copy?
No, we'd have to stop production.
Move, we have to know if this is the right one!
Yes...
- I don't have a clue. - I'll say it in simple words.
Call your wife and say: "Would you prefer Macomer or Corleone?"
I'm in position.
Is it coming on?
Three, two...
one.
What's that?
It short-circuited everything, even the emergency backup.
It's not our server!
Explain to me how the fuck they got in.
There's an inside man.
It's you? We're the only ones who can open that door.
You slept here last night, confess!
Traitor!
Calm down, we can still get them.
- Gallinazza! - Gallinari.
Send this Identi-Kit all over Italy.
I'll take that fake server to the crime lab, they'll find the clues.
You can't, let's wait for the judge.
There's no time to lose, why wait?
Who's side are you on?
- I'll disassemble it. - Stop, no more orders.
I'll call Colonel Scarone, he can be here in an hour and decide.
No reception... I'll go outside.
Don't touch a thing till Scarone gets here.
- Hear that? A colonel's coming. - I heard.
- What do we do? - When Marcello comes out, we run.
What bad luck! We almost did it.
Maybe Marcello will think of something.
Like what?
By now...
Why's the colonel taking so long?
Nocis, I told you not to touch it.
Scarone's on his way.
I don't give a damn, I'll speak to the minister.
- Toni, c'mon, this is faster. - Mr. President is right.
That's enough!
Drop it.
Are you crazy?
Put it down.
Good man, Gallinari!
Nocis, you busted my balls.
- Who are you? - Major Pistocchi.
Scarone sent me because I've known Nocis
for 25 years.
Major, that car?
Yeah, the car...
I can't say a thing, secret service.
Still messing with secret services!
And you still like ordering people around!
If they're all like you and Gallinazza,
it doesn't take much.
In the showers at Officers' School
we've all seen your little problem...
Nature can be so cruel sometimes.
But acting big won't make it grow.
So now, little pecker, be good,
give me the server and I'll take it to Scarone.
Gallinari...
my compliments, excellent.
- Thank you. - I'll tell Scarone.
Nocis, you come too, Scarone wants a word.
Come on!
Major!
Yes.
Nothing.
Darling, I'm so happy, we even have a TV director!
Kiss the bride.
Gherardo Ferrante, you're under arrest.
Why?
Dad!
Slow on the curves, we've got a stolen server.
- Where are the girls waiting? - At the reef.
I can't believe it!
Two million, do you realize?
Shut up!
Why are you like this?
We just made a fantastic hit!
Run-of-the-mill stuff.
There's no art, no poetry.
We're artists, remember that.
What... we?
Weren't you the guy who works alone?
Yes.
But we can change our minds in life.
Partners?
Partners.
But no more quips about my pecker.
I knew it, I was waiting.
- I have a new plan. - Already?
Get Mitra and Ellen arguing.
It's unfair they're together,
if we make them believe...
I'll handle this.
Davide Lucchi, Marcello Kunz, you're under arrest, hands up.
Sir, we found them, they're at the reef.
Gallinari says hello.
Go see him when you get out of jail.
Hands high!
What the fuck are you doing?
Run!
Stop or I'll shoot! Where are you going?
Stop!
You'll kill yourself!
I'm not going to jail.
The con victim must always beg to be swindled.
Please, don't say no, please!
I make his dreams come true...
When I wanted to be a writer, I dreamed of living like this.
It's Styrofoam.
The Chinese chose Marcello, the barman,
to steal the patent.
I was the victim for them!
Them who?
No, nothing...
People are crazy!
He needed an inside man.
He chose you because you wrote stories, like him.
He screwed you twice
and meantime he was explaining how.
"Now you're a fugitive,
You hide and do the only thing you can,
the only thing you really want...
write your second novel...
The end.
It's a nice story.
I cede all my rights,
50 thousand euro cash within two hours.
Two hours? That's impossible!
There's another publisher, I'll go take him coffee.
Wait, I'll try talking to the chief,
meantime leave the manuscript.
No, I can't.
If they get me, a lawyer can't invent a thing with this.
This is a confession, I'll go to jail.
But when the book comes out, nothing changes.
I'll already be abroad, I have a plane tonight.
I want the money.
I don't have a thing left.
Sir,
this is a best seller, you know that.
I'll wait in the park down below.
Within two hours,
then I go to someone else.
Wait! I have it all.
I did it, I have the money
and the contract.
Sign it.
You know you lose all rights?
That's best.
I don't want to think about this anymore.
Here.
Thank you.
Them Who?
Stop! Thief!
Stop!
Stop, thief!
Them Who?