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♪
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♪
You look exactly like your profile pic.
Thank you.
Even more, uh, even prettier.
You actually...
actually don't look anything like your profile picture.
Oh, there's a funny story behind that.
I just got over shingles, and they were, like, straight across my face.
So I grew a beard, and I put that one up.
Now it doesn't look like me, because in
that picture I had both shingles and a beard.
But I am shingle-free, clean as a whistle.
So, Anne Martin, what brings you in?
Oh, um, they did an STD assembly at the school
where I work, and it kind of freaked me out, so I
just wanted to come in and make sure everything was okay.
Great.
I just have a couple of basic questions here.
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you do drugs?
-No. -Drink alcohol?
A little Chardonnay occasionally, but, um, not really, no.
Have you traveled out of the country in the last six months?
No.
Have you had intercourse with anyone from a foreign country?
No.
Okay.
Have you had anal intercourse?
-No. -I mean...
I don't want to sound judgy, it's not for everyone.
It could be for me, maybe under the right
circumstances, I'd have to be very relaxed.
But I'm not like in an anal place.
Okay.
No.
Maybe you have a silencer.
Yes.
That's a lot of onions.
Yeah, I like onions.
Make you cry.
Yeah, you know, actually, my eyes were bigger than my stomach.
I just suddenly not really hungry at all, and
I realize I have a very early morning tomorrow.
You can go if you want.
You can just box it up.
No.
I know what it means.
Can you be honest with me?
What is it about me that is, like, that makes you not want to stay here?
Honestly?
Yeah.
It's, like, everything, starting with your face first.
Just, like, the expression on it is really bad.
You sort of look like you're smelling something that doesn't smell
good, or, like, you're, like, squinting, even though you're wearing glasses.
Like, your eyes don't work.
You kind of look like a lesbian newscaster,
because you're effeminate, but not in, like, a good way.
It's almost insulting to women, the way you're
effeminate, because, like, you're not androgynous.
You're just, like, soft and doughy.
You don't look like you have bones under your body at all.
You're just sort of, like, an old baby, you know?
You just seem very uncomfortable.
You know, like, a little bit, you're apologizing for your existence.
That's a complete answer.
When was the last time you engaged in intercourse?
Do you mean, like, a full-on kind of interview?
I would say about...
about coming up on a year, a little over a year.
It's like a shade over a year.
So you're abstinent?
-No. -Mm-mm. -No, I'm not abstinent.
I'm just, um...
It's not like a spiritual kind of cleansing thing, which is abstinence.
It's more just like, oh, gosh, is it March already?
So...
♪
Oh, my God.
Are you choking?
Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
-Come on. -Come on.
Let it out.
Thank you very much.
Oh
How do you want to handle the check?
You want to split it, or?
♪
I don't want to go.
Oh, you don't want to go, huh?
-No. -No? -You want to stay?
Oh, hey.
You know what? Jeffrey will walk you out.
Oh, yeah.
I could walk you out. I just have a very specific
window of time when my, um, commute is easier than, um...
Okay, so you're good, and I'm good, so...
♪
Americans are forever searching for love in
forms it never takes and places it can never be.
Oh, that's, um, uh, Kurt...
Kurt Vonnegut. Kurt Vonnegut. Yeah, I was right there, tip of my tongue.
So how was your date?
Oh, not great.
I choked on a piece of soft food out of nerves.
How is the doctor?
Oh, um, apparently I'm clinically absent.
Clinically absent?
Yeah, it's a thing, and I've got it.
I've never heard anybody diagnosed with that.
Hi.
Um, speaking of, have you talked to Max about me?
Yeah, you went on one date with him three months ago.
I would let it go, you know?
No, it's just a great date.
I mean, actually, I'm not counting, but it
was technically two and a half months ago.
If you're using the term technically, then you're counting.
Well, technically, it's not counting.
-I'm just guessing. -Mr. Lowe, please
thank your mother for running the bake sale.
I have never known the parent of a faculty member to be so involved in school.
Oh, and my tits are leaking like a motherfucker.
Principal Miller.
Language, Julia?
So sorry about that.
Last day of school.
And your shirt sleeves are a little short.
Yeah, I actually think so, too.
I'm going to go put on a cardigan.
Now.
You're a gorgeous woman.
Cardigan, now.
Don't run.
But hurry.
It's the last day of school.
Everyone's letting their hair down, you know?
Not on my watch.
Oh.
OK, I don't know what that means.
I just clam up whenever she comes around.
Yeah.
Well, maybe we'll have, you know, some luck at the end of year party tonight.
You mean like more luck than the year that you clogged up the toilet?
Actually, that was the year before.
Oh, then more luck than the year you walked through a screen door.
OK, but in my defense, they should just put a ribbon
across those things, because you can't always see them.
You're right. They should sell every screen door with a big ribbon on it.
I'm just putting it out there.
Maybe we'll have more luck this year, because
there'll be all that faculty from Ben Franklin High.
So there'll be more people to meet.
Yeah, maybe they'll get a kick out of my foibles.
Maybe don't use the word foibles.
Oh.
Duly noted, sir.
That's not great either.
Oh, boy.
Maybe you should be paying a little more attention to your
studies and less attention to how much sex your peers are having.
How else am I going to know?
Get out of here.
Enjoy your last moments here being educated.
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
20.
That's not an option.
♪
Yeah, so we were just there and, like, I don't know, you left.
I was like, where did you go?
What?
I swear to God, he's such a dick face.
Okay, I know you don't have any work to do,
but, guys, it's still called the study hall.
I have to go.
I'll call you later.
Thank you.
Okay everybody, have a great summer.
Don't forget to read.
Woo-hoo!
Slut.
♪
Alright, I got this one.
guys, be careful.
Oh, that
♪
-Hey, guys. -It's cool.
Cool to see you.
Good. Good, good, good.
This is Ned's cabinet.
Um...
Is this your house?
Oh, no.
It's just cleaning up, making myself useful.
Do you want to help?
Sure.
-Cool. -Thanks so much.
That guy was hot.
What was that all about?
He was really cute, and then he gave me his garbage.
Put that garbage down.
Stop.
The beauty of coming to someone else's
house or party is that you can just make a mess.
You don't have to clean up after anybody.
How do you do it?
You're so put together.
I mean, you've just got, like, Al, the baby.
I am not put together.
But I do have a little...
-I guess... -I don't know. -I don't know
if it's a secret, but it's something I do.
Please, tell me.
I'm swinging in the wind here.
Are you familiar with Kegeling?
Yeah, that's the, um...
the squeezing of the vaginal walls.
Makes me feel confident, powerful, but
kind of out of use, you know what I'm saying?
It's like a glass of wine for the prives.
Ooh, I like that.
What are you doing with your face?
Relax your jaw.
Don't overthink it.
Just do it.
Just squeeze.
Now you look like a zombie.
You're not blinking whatsoever now.
That seems like it's easier.
-No. -Hey, honey.
Um, sorry.
-Hey, Al. -I just spoke with the sitter,
and apparently the baby's being very fussy.
Oh, no.
-Yeah, sorry. -I think we have to go.
All right, will you pull the car around?
I'll be right out. I will indeed. Are you okay with me going?
Yeah, go get your damn baby.
I'm just kidding.
-I love her. -She's so sweet.
I love you.
Happy summer.
-Happy summer. -Enjoy.
Yeah, I will now.
-And get out there. -Yeah, I will.
I'm just gonna...
Hey Carol, what a terrific school year.
Can I make you a snack plate?
I'm not eating.
I'm only drinking clear liquids now, so no.
Man, Carol is so irritable.
She's a real hothead.
She must be hungry all the time.
That's my problem, you know.
I'm a nice guy.
I'm almost too nice.
I ask people if they want a snack plate.
I go to work every day.
I pay my taxes.
And what's my reward?
Maybe it's not about your rewards.
Maybe it's more about just, like, being comfortable in your own skin.
Be yourself.
Everybody else has already taken.
Oh, um...
Let's ask her why. Yes. God, you're so quick.
You don't give me enough time. Because you're so slow.
You have a quick trigger finger.
-Yeah, I do. -Pew!
I gotta pee.
Get in the mix.
It's a nice shirt.
Thank you.
Or is it a blouse?
How can you tell?
Where are you?
No.
Nobody good here.
I heard that.
I have my own thing to take care of.
What?
Ann?
You think your dad got lost looking for the tables?
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
-Ah, ah, ah. -There it is.
-Perfect. -Yeah, put it right there.
How many guests are we expecting?
One?
Well, this...
That's only the first of many.
Don't you think we're planning a little early for this birthday party?
I mean, you don't turn 65 for two months.
There is nothing wrong with planning early.
Yeah. Besides, it allows people to, you know,
mark their calendars and maybe even bring a date.
Yeah, are you planning on bringing a date?
I sure am not, Dad.
Okay, just asking.
What about that Ann?
Wow, she's super.
Please, it's weird to hear you breathe deep like that and talk about her.
I just said she's super.
I'm gonna put her on the list.
Did you ever ask her out?
No, I have never asked her out because we're good friends.
I don't want anything to ruin that, and she does not see me like that, so...
She's into my neighbor.
Do you know any gay couples?
I mean, I know a couple gay couples.
Why?
Well, we could add them to the list and
you could maybe bring a special person too.
I'm sorry
Are you implying that I'm gay if you have trouble
coming out Let us come in I
don't want to go in wait.
I I'm sorry.
I'm still having trouble with the math of this Why even if I was gay?
Why would I invite a gay couple to feel more comfortable?
Yeah, they're already a couple
Balloons.
Or are they a little too young?
Why don't we get a bouncy castle?
-No. -Balloons it is.
Thank you, dear. And, Jeffrey, you're in charge of the balloons.
Okay, I'll get those balloons in two months.
In a quarter of a year.
Before two months.
It's gonna sneak up on you, all of a sudden, you're gonna need balloons.
And then you're gonna have flat balloons.
You still have to get balloons today. You can't get balloons early.
No, no, no, I'm getting them in advance. Just line them up,
know where you're gonna get them, and, you know, I'm the dean.
Line them up and know where I'm gonna get them?
I'm not invading Pakistan.
Darren, Darren, he's gonna take care of them, right, sweetheart?
Yes, I'll take care of them.
-Listen to me. -Uh-huh?
I'm just gonna show up and bump into
Max after book club like I did when we met.
And don't you think that's gonna come off a little creepy?
No, I think it's romantic.
Okay, someone's gotta say it.
If he was feeling the Anne train, don't
you think he would've hopped aboard by now?
Well, maybe he's playing hard to get.
I mean, I don't know.
I can't be the only person who feels this way.
Anne? Okay, more importantly, what am I wearing?
Hmm, something slimming, maybe black.
Whatever you choose, just not the fucking cat sweater.
First of all, it's summer, and second of all,
I don't even really have that sweater anymore.
Okay everybody, I want to thank you guys for coming to Book Club.
We are in session.
Dan, you picked the book for this week.
Of Mice and Men.
Oh, come on, Dan.
He's doing this on purpose, guys.
-I love this book. -Yeah, I know.
You've read it like a thousand times.
Yeah, more than that.
It's great. He's just doing this to piss me off, guys.
Not true. It is true, because my name's Lenny, and my entire life,
whenever I tell someone my name is Lenny, they ask me if I'm retarded.
Come on, man. A lot of people have the name Lenny.
Now that you mention it, I'm actually picturing you as Lenny
in the book, and it's making it a lot more accessible for me.
What's the connection to the book?
He's a retarded guy who kills animals.
He's a retarded guy. Don't spoil the whole book for him.
He didn't read it yet.
My entire life I've had to deal with it.
I just tell somebody, go, hi, I'm Lenny,
and they're like, oh, this guy's retarded.
Well, maybe it's the cadence with which you say it.
What, the cadence of how I'm saying it?
Hi, I'm Lenny.
There's nothing, what?
Yeah, why are you doing it like that?
Yeah, it sounds bad.
I mean, you're wearing socks with sandals.
Yeah, because I'm not retarded.
I wear sandals because my feet sweat, and I
wear the socks to catch that sweat.
So the socks help the sandal, and the sandal help the sock not retarded.
You feel like a jerk.
All right, guys, are we gonna get into the book or not?
Because, I mean, I can always go downtown and have a drink.
On Sunday?
Sunday night.
Yeah, people go out on Sunday, guys.
Girls go out on Sundays.
Yeah, crazy people are out on Sundays.
It would be nice to meet some girls, though.
I mean, I know you guys haven't had dates in a long time.
That's not true. Yeah, that's not true.
I have a girlfriend, and I don't have a girlfriend.
You just started that sentence by saying, I have a girlfriend.
-Yeah. -Why would you do that?
I just wanted to hear what it would sound like coming out of my mouth.
It's such an inappropriate time to experiment with that.
I'm just glad, because it sounded like he had murdered a girl.
What happened to her?
She was here.
Now she's not with us anymore.
Okay, the term not with us anymore implies death.
It's almost like you admitted to murdering or
killing a woman, and then she did not feel sure about it.
Okay, well, then why aren't you dating her anymore?
Because I just, I buried her in the past, you know?
Well, what does that mean? So, wait, you do have a girlfriend?
Did you murder a girl?
Or did you, like, bury her somewhere, and you don't know if she's passed yet?
Guys, this is an inappropriate conversation.
I gotta tell you that if a police questioned me and
said, did you notice anything weird about Dan lately,
this would be the first conversation that I would bring up.
Just tell us there's no girl that we don't know.
I never had a girlfriend.
All right.
Thank God.
I go on dates all the time.
-No, you don't. -Come on, Lenny.
When was the last time you were out on a date?
What day is today?
-Sunday? -1986.
Guys, I think we need to...
change what's going on with us.
We're-year-olds. Guys, we have a book club.
I wear khaki every day.
I haven't been on a successful date in a long time.
We need to live cool.
You know, we need to, like, be on the edge of the...
What does that mean? It's like the bracelets.
Live cool bracelets. Yeah, it's like the live cool bracelets.
-Live strong. -Guys, guys, guys, guys.
You don't have to change anything about yourselves to be cool, okay?
You just have to be...
cool.
-Whoa. -That was awesome.
Yeah.
I'm gonna write that down.
-Wow. -Thanks, man.
Sure.
All right, look, guys.
I'm gonna get out of here. I'm gonna get a drink.
We'll do this next week, though.
Yeah? Yeah. All right. Yep. But, uh, Jeff, you know what?
Why don't you take this, OK?
Whoa. You want me to have your summertime leather jacket?
Yeah.
Who knows?
Maybe it'll help you on your journey.
Then again, it might also hurt.
But isn't that everything in life?
Wow.
That was cool, too. Write that down, too.
How do you do that? Get that one on there, too.
Oh, my God.
Oh, the book club.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I was just... I was just walking around.
-I was running. -I was at yoga.
I was doing Pilates.
And I had my books.
And I was... I just wanted to see you, though.
-Anne. -I... -I... -I...
-Is this Max? -Yeah.
Max!
Isa!
You're not in the book club.
Oh yeah, I skipped out a little early.
Grabbed a drink and a sandwich.
Oh, a drink and a sandwich.
Yeah.
It's so good to see you.
I said sandwich.
Um, it's...
Come inside.
Mmm.
-Yeah. -Mmhmm. -I like beer.
I don't have my watch, but how long, how long has it been?
What?
Well, we saw each other.
Oh.
God, I, I literally have no recollection of it.
And me neither, it was like three months ago and I don't know.
Okay.
I was, that guy, I was looking at him.
Oh, yeah, I painted that.
You did?
Yeah, it's, it's gouache.
It's gouache.
Starts with a G, gouache.
It's gouache. Yeah, it's the kind of paint.
It's, it's fickle.
Yeah. Paint, it's got this really wonderful texture.
It's kind of like, it's like a woman.
You gotta sort of, you gotta warm it up a little
bit and sort of, you know, show that you're
ready to play before you spread it around a little bit.
It's dirty, it must be dirty.
Yeah, it gets a little messy.
That's part of the fun, right?
Yeah, I like to get messy.
Hello?
Oh, my God.
What the hell are you doing here?
I thought I took back my key.
Yeah, you did.
But I made a copy first from the key copier.
That is so like you.
Get out.
-No. -What do you want?
What do you think?
I want my apology.
For what?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look, look, look. I know that I can be a dick sometimes, all right?
I don't mean it.
Was that his apology?
Because it didn't sound like one.
What was that?
Give me that key.
Come and get him.
You know I'm going to go down there.
What are you going to do? What are you going to do when you're there?
What are you going to do when you're down there?
You're going to sniff around because you're a little dog.
Slow it down.
You're going to sniff around because you're a fucking dog.
Got him.
-Yeah, you remember? -Oh, yeah.
Remember Amber? I remember you.
Remember Amber?
You know that I won't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God, you smell so fucking good.
You smell like shit.
Such, such shit.
And you don't get to look me in the eyes.
I won't look. I won't look. OK, I got all my books, so.
Hi, I'm Ann.
Ann?
You don't deserve it.
I don't deserve it. You don't deserve it.
I don't deserve it.
Well, now you remember, right?
-Bad boy. -I want your attention.
-Bad boy. -Please.
Please.
-Please. -Please.
What do you see when you look at me?
Like right now?
Yeah, like this.
I think you look like you work at a cell phone kiosk in the mall.
I dress like this to seduce Max.
Okay.
This was your seductive look?
I was going for like sexy librarian or like euro kind of just, you know?
Like, what is this?
You kind of look like my mom's financial advisor.
Yeah.
I just feel like I'm tired of being such a dork.
Yes. Yeah, I want to be one of those guys that like starts dating
a girl and then the girl's parents get all freaked out because
they think the guy's going to steal her TV and sell it for drug money.
I want to be like, you know, one of those girls
whose parents don't want her to come home for Christmas.
I want to be a guy that no matter where they are,
there's a possibility that he could have sex in a bathroom.
I want to be sex in the bathroom, people.
That's so cool. I want to get arrested.
For having sex in a bathroom.
I want to be on cops.
How do we do this?
How is this done?
-I don't know. -How is this done?
I don't know. Play to our strengths. Play to our strengths.
Okay, well my biggest strength is helping kids apply to colleges.
And I'm really good at research.
-So, we're screwed. -We need help.
♪
Al gets into such cool parties.
I know, right?
-Yeah. -Oh, you've got to meet this guy.
So you're Julia, right?
Al's wife.
Yeah. Yeah. And you should meet my friend Anne.
Enchante.
I'm Anne.
Big fan.
-Sorry. -I should tone it down.
I'm fanning out on you.
I was actually hoping maybe to get an album.
So are you selling merchandise?
Or...
-Hi. -How you doing, man?
-Come with me, buddy. -What's up, man?
Hi, Al.
I really came on strong.
-A little bit. -It's OK. -It's OK.
Hey.
Oh.
Before I forget to say this, you look beautiful tonight.
Whatever, bitch.
Um, what was that?
I don't know. I'm just... I'm trying this new thing.
And, um, I just want to be crazy.
You know? I want to go wild. What were you doing talking to that man?
-Yeah. -Oh. -The guy in the hat?
Oh, that was your boyfriend?
Oh.
We're having a little disagreement about that right now.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was... I was... I was just saying hi.
His music is wonderful.
Oh, OK.
-That's cool. -That's cool.
You know how it is, you know?
When you love a man so much, you know, that you end up in jail for your love.
You know what I mean? Then you get out,
and you see some girl, like, talking to him.
-Yeah. -And you want to, like, stab her.
-Yeah. -But you can't.
Sounds complicated.
Anyway, have a...
Have a lovely night. We're just discussing some stuff about my friend here.
You want to go crazy, I heard, though.
-I do. -I just... -Look at me.
I'm dressed like a band leader.
I feel like I need a little something.
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. Spice it up.
All that needs... Yeah, you need to just make it more.
Let me tell you something, girl.
If you want to keep your man, you've got to
follow some very simple instructions, all right?
-Very simple. -Follow them to a T.
Number one, if he doesn't pick up his phone
when you're calling him, you just keep calling.
And if he doesn't answer, what do you do?
Stop calling.
You hunt him down.
Yes. OK? Yeah, like he's a wild animal.
Yeah. Oh, tell him about the bunny. The bunny python.
Oh, girl, you're going to love this.
You really... You're going to love this.
Let me tell you something. First of all, you need to appear unpredictable.
That's right. All right? First, one day, you are cute and vulnerable.
Just like a bunny.
-Yes. -Like a cute little bunny. -Yes.
Look at me. And the next, you are irrational and stabby.
All right?
Men love crazy pussy.
-They love it. -They love it.
Oh, my God.
I want to try a bunny python.
-That's right. -Keep him on his toes.
That's how it keeps it real and fresh.
Yes. I like it. That's what you got to do.
And then he'll just keep coming back for
more because he wants to fuck that bunny out.
He ain't going to get that bunny, girl.
-You know what, Tyree? -The restraining
order does not say that you have to be rough.
A hundred feet is a hundred feet.
It's technical.
It's technical, girl.
Well, that was...
That was awesome.
Who are you?
I'm a man, bitch.
Sorry.
-I'm sorry. -It still doesn't work.
I hate calling other women bitches.
Yeah, it's not good. It's offensive and aggressive.
It's anti-feminist.
It's gender-specific violence.
-Ew. -And it's just... -It's not for me.
So let's cut bitch out, maybe.
All right, cock choker.
♪
I could not imagine not waking up next to that beautiful man every day
and I know that if we were to spend our lives together it would mean
that I could become a customer at the Applebee's instead of just a hostess.
♪
What is she doing here?
And Elena barges in.
June better keep her f***ing hands off my man.
What are you doing?
This is Mike.
Come on.
It's kind of why I came on the show, is I wanted to, like, show kids
that, like, a bunch of women can fight over you, even if you can't read.
Coming.
How are you?
Hey.
Oh, sorry. Oh. Did you sleep in your leather jacket?
Huh? Did you sleep in your leather jacket?
Max gave it to me.
I just want it to seem like the first time I
wear it is not the first time I wear it, you know?
Oh, well.
Anyway. Okay. So I've had a lot of coffee, but I've come up with a plan for us.
You have to read these books.
Ooh.
Tommyland.
-Yeah. -I took a peek.
-It's a little... -It's a little...
Seventh chapter.
-A.K.A. -You know what?
Fuck it.
-Tommy. -I know. -He's great, right?
A real way with the word.
And we need a new look, so we're going to go shopping.
I hate going shopping.
We're going to the shops.
We're going to get cool new looks and be cool new guys.
Fine.
Can I get a cinnamon bun? You can get a cinnamon bun.
-All right. -Give me five minutes.
Okay. I'm thinking maybe we could stop for coffee.
You don't need any more coffee.
I'm starting to crash.
Whew.
Can we get a cinnamon bun before we go shopping?
I don't know.
I feel like that might ruin our lunch.
Shouldn't we wait?
I didn't eat anything yet.
Oh, my gosh. Who doesn't eat breakfast?
Well, I got excited about the cinnamon bun.
-Here we go. -Here's the spot.
I don't know how you go out of the house without eating breakfast.
Oh, man.
-Oh, what? -What is that?
Come on.
Okay, well, we'll just get another.
No, no, no, no, no.
That lady took our spot, and this is part of our problem.
We're too passive.
Well, well, you know what I mean?
I don't feel like...
Hey, you took our spot!
Yeah, I'm talking to you, you dumb fuck!
Lower your window and start yelling at her.
-Okay. -You're just a stupid...
Everything about you is shitty!
You picked the wrong white people to fuck with, you dumb fuck!
All right, I'm gonna go to the glasses store.
Do I keep cursing?
Yeah.
You see, you know what you can do is you
can eat shit, and then you can eat it, you
-you-up! YOU CAN SUCK A BAG OF DICKS, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!
Suckin' ass motherfucker!
Not not not not!
Not not not
Guzzling shit cans!
I'm a big dick!
You put my balls in your mouth!
I'm swishy-murray!
I'm like a pair of ice cubes!
fucking asshole
I just want to jerk.
Oh, here we go.
What the fuck, you fucking whore?
Wait, I know you're upset.
Enrique and I have called it quits.
He said he was separated.
Principal Miller?
Oh, shit.
You're not Enrique's wife.
No.
Pretend that didn't happen.
Oh, boy.
Finally, the cinnamon buns.
It's pretty good, right?
It's amazing.
You know, when I was 14, I used to come here all the time.
I'd hang out with my friends, try to scope chicks out.
You know how many girls I picked up?
A bunch?
Negative one.
Oh, God. Because one ran away out of fear.
I didn't have very much luck, either.
I got asked out for the first time my first semester of college.
And I got so nervous that, even though I got all
dressed up, I just sat in my dorm room all night and worried.
Oh, my God.
It was so embarrassing, because I had
class with a guy, and I had to stop going.
Well, that ends today.
That was then, this is now.
Whoa.
I see a hidden...
-That was then, this is now? -Yeah.
I got one.
You were kind of slow.
Um...
I'm really glad that we're doing this together,
because I feel like you're not going to judge me.
No.
Are you kidding? How could you judge someone that's even dorkier than you are?
-Oh, God. -Am I worse than you?
-No, no. -I am a king dork.
I guess you are.
Question.
Can we return these clothes?
I feel like such a...
You have no idea the amount of ball and taint sweat that I have right now.
Wait. Which is the taint?
The taint is between your ball and your...
-and your... -and your, uh, b-hole.
Okay, so I don't have one.
No, you...
You have a veint.
Hey, Dad.
Jeffrey.
What do you got in your hair?
Um, a pomade.
So look.
I'm trying something new.
I'm just like Girls don't like guys from-middle-class,
Pennsylvania who are guidance counselors who have never broken
a bone What do they like guys who look like they got dressed in the dark?
I don't they want like bad boys who like
know how to fix cars and like I've been in fights
Is it there's nothing in my past that's like dark or dangerous
or foreboding nothing you ever hit me No, are you really my dad?
Yeah, unless you know something that I don't there was
never an uncle that got like two handsy Like a weird
yeah pedophile uncle your uncles are boring nice nice man, but
What do you need to be messed up I don't know dad I don't know You
ever try it like any romance with a girl like you You kind of notice
things about her that you know things that she she really likes And
then you you show her that those things are what makes her special to you.
That's kind of romance works I'll
give you a shot
Nice shot.
Excuse me.
Sorry, excuse me. I know you're playing a game.
It's just not great design to have a horizontal game in a vertical bar.
This place is neat, though.
Yeah. Yeah. Let's get some drinks, huh?
-Yeah. -Um, what do we drink?
Something hard?
Yeah, let's not do white wine or beer.
Yeah, um.
What pairs well with a cinnamon bun?
That's all I had today.
-Whiskey? -Yeah, two whiskeys.
No, I don't like the way whiskey tastes.
Could you get me one of those things that, like, has a bunch of alcohol in it?
-Yeah. -Okay. -Yeah, like a hard tea.
Yeah, like a cider.
Oh, a cider.
Yes, no problem.
-Cool, thank you. -I just, I'm sorry.
Just to be clear, do you have a specific kind of flavor that you want?
Yeah, just make a decision.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
-That was my fault. -I am so sorry.
I'm sorry. She pushed me, and I hit your friend, and your
friend threw the dart, and I landed on your leg, and that's not good.
But, but, but, I think that you will see if we could
just talk it out, and let us buy you a round of drinks.
Yeah, let's reset. Let's press the pause button.
Let's press pause.
Okay, I'm Anne.
Hi, I'm Jeff.
-How are you? -Is this your man here?
Oh, he's not. He's a co-worker and a very close friend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
I can explain.
Hold on, wait, whoa, whoa.
Look, I know, I know that that was not good, but I've never
been in a fight before, and I don't mean to physically altercate.
Then I'm sorry.
Oh, Jeff.
I have been
waiting to do that all night long.
I just knocked a guy out at the bar.
That was kind of cool.
We should go.
Yeah.
What's up?
There's more for either one of you if you want more of the bee stings.
No, there's nothing more.
Let's just get out of here.
Wow, that was awesome.
Hey, are you okay?
That guy's such a douche.
Let me know if you need a little TLC.
What?
Oh, my God, they were so pretty.
My God, I think I'm just gonna start punching people out.
-You should. -It's like an aphrodisiac.
I guess so.
Wow.
I kind of did something.
Jesus.
What'd you do?
It's a new look.
Why did you do this to your beautiful hair?
Well, Jeff said I was inhibited and he ticked me off, so...
You did it for Jeff.
That is so cliché, Julia.
What? What? Just like, oh, the two single
people in the room automatically belong together.
No, I'm just saying he's cute, you're adorable, and you both are cool.
Listen, I just want you to be happy.
-I am happy. -I'm very happy.
I just, I don't see Jeff that way.
Look, I...
I think you called me over to brush your hair out.
Yes.
Yeah, okay. You can handle this yourself.
I am feeling so much electricity in both nips, I gotta go and relieve this.
Ooh, that sounds bad.
It is bad.
I could charge a car.
If you're hungry, though, I could just order a quick pie.
Please don't take offense to this, okay?
I just don't know how else, and I've got to say something.
I feel like sometimes your needs are
like a little comparable to my baby's needs.
How could I have ever taken that the wrong way?
That's great.
-I get it. -No, I know.
I just... I just don't have that many friends, so I always tend to call you.
Sorry.
That makes me really sad.
No, I didn't mean to make you sad.
I just... You're my best friend, so I will always call you.
But I'll back off so babies can eat.
I love you, okay?
Okay. I'm gonna go take a hot shower, put
plenty of conditioner in there, and just comb it out.
Okay.
Got a big box of mac and cheese.
Please don't finish that.
If you stay, I won't.
Bye.
Come on, I'll make you some Greek yogurt.
Diana,
you've been set free.
♪
I hated to see Diana go, but now I can focus on the remaining two.
The girls wonder why I keep Elena around,
but I know she's here for me.
I'm sweet as cherry pie.
Just don't f***ing cross me.
I'm sweet as cherry pie.
Just don't cross me.
Hi, my name is Anne.
I'm working on a new accent.
I think it's gonna give me my edge.
What do you think?
Yeah, no, it's certainly intriguing.
I've been trying, but I can't seem to not sound like...
A plantation owner?
Like a racist plantation owner, and that's not what I wanna put out there.
Okay, I'll keep working on it.
-Yeah. -If you wanna see something cool.
I do.
You wanna see something cool?
Uh-huh, yeah.
Oh my God, is that a tattoo?
-Yeah. -What is that, it's a book?
Yeah, yeah, I got it in honor of book club.
Would the new you be a part of a book club?
That's a good, I didn't think about that.
But you know what, when I go back for my second
round, then I'll tell them maybe we'll switch the design.
See, right now, a lot of people think that when you get a tattoo,
you go into the parlor, and then you just walk out with a tattoo, but...
That's what I thought. No, actually, it's a lot of steps.
I mean, first you go into the stencil stage, and then you go
into the next stage, which is the stage that I'm in, which is
the are you comfortable with this image on your skin forever phase.
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna pause you right
there, let's see where you're going with this.
Are you in the I'm afraid of needle phase?
Oh my God, it was so scary.
I can't do that, the needle is attached to a motor, and it goes like.
You're not gonna put your skin under that?
-No way. -No, I don't like it.
So just leave the stencil for a while.
You have a drawing on your arm.
Way to go.
-I'm proud of you. -Thanks.
Oh, my God, look at this chick.
That is awesome.
Good for her.
I'm gonna get up on the bar.
-What? -I'm gonna get up on the bar.
You can barely get up the bar stool.
I know, but I'm gonna try.
Hold on one second.
I'm putting this on the internet
You're crazy.
♪
-you. -I was hoping I'd find you here.
-Really? -Me? -Yeah, you.
I was sad that you never called me.
Well, I couldn't call you.
You wrote your number on something extremely smudgy.
I thought it was garbage.
Smudgy garbage.
♪
-Rawr! -Rawr! Rawr!
All right, there she is.
Look at you, coyote ugly.
It's cool, right?
You should take my number.
I'm going to make a phone call too.
OK.
Julia, hi.
Oh my god, can you come by the Sligo right now?
I just danced on the bar.
I took my bra off.
I think my nipple came out.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize it's out late.
Oh, did I wake the baby?
I will now.
Sorry, OK.
Well, I think I'll go.
Maybe I'm going to go sexed max.
I don't know, I can't.
OK, yes.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
Let's kill.
Hey, I liked your moves.
-I did. -Oh yeah?
Was that like the window into your soul?
That's deep.
That's exactly what it is.
I love it.
Well, I'm part Native American.
You are?
-Yeah. -Oh, I see it in your eyes.
You want a beer?
I'd love a beer.
You got anything stronger?
Very strong.
-OK. -Very strong.
♪
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Mm-mm.
So, a Southern girl.
Oh, yes.
Well, I am. I mean, I'm definitely -the-wool Southern
girl, but I will be the first to admit that, you
know, there is a bit of a checkered history for the South.
You know, I mean, human rights conditions and historical
denying and, you know, some sort of animal cruelty and whatnot.
But, you know, it's the South.
The South is always nice.
There's a bunch of books out that you can read about the South.
If you want me to give you a Southern history
lesson, I'll definitely see if I can fit you in.
You can give me a-on-one, right?
Oh!
Well, that's third base where I come from.
Well, then why don't we slide into home?
-Oh, my! -I don't know about that!
I'm going to pat on my nose!
You alright in there?
Oh no, I'm fine.
I'm just in here pooping.
I mean, could you just pour me another glass of wine, sweetie?
Hello?
You're a little crazy.
That's hot.
Well, I'm sweet as cherry pie, just don't fucking cross me.
♪
Oh, wow.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Is
♪
up Get in there
♪
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
So, my friend Tommy's a bar back here, so I get
discounts on drinks if you want to do a shot or something there.
It's pretty cool.
I used to work over there.
Too many tabs, don't answer.
I finally, I planned on this one, so...
Bye, text me!
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You look good.
Well, you know, bandana, necklaces.
I like it.
Do you like it?
Yeah, I mean, likey.
Well, you look good.
I know.
You know?
Where have you been?
I feel like I haven't seen you.
I know, it's been kind of like a minute.
So what's going on with you?
None of your business.
Why so many questions?
I don't know.
What, am I under arrest?
Why are you chewing on all this weird shit?
Because I'm hungry.
What's weird about a straw?
Nothing, it's just the second thing you've been chewing on.
Come on, let's take a picture.
Oh, alright.
Oops!
Okay, the light's about to go.
Okay.
Woo!
It's like we're wasted
♪
Do you want to get out of here?
Yeah.
You're gonna duck under that thing.
Okay.
You are bossy.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay, I'm gonna hang out here.
Ann Martin.
Hi, Beth Foster.
My son, Brian, is a freshman at Thomas Jefferson.
Yeah, Brian.
Yeah, he's a cute little guy.
He's like into space and rocks.
Yeah, space and rocks.
Yeah, he's a sweetie.
Yeah, he's so sweet.
Hey, I wondered, are you here with Jeff Flowery?
Oh yeah, I mean, no.
I mean, oh, you know Jeff.
We met at the gym, like, several weeks back.
And, well, we've been, like, hanging
out, kind of here and there in the afternoon.
And I just don't want to step on any toes.
Oh, so you guys are seeing each other?
It's too early to tell.
I mean, I'm working on dinner.
Hi.
Hello.
Hey, Beth.
-Hi. -Hey. -Hey.
So good to see you.
So good to see you, yeah.
I see you met my good friend, Ann.
I did.
Yeah, Jeff and I are really good friends.
Incredibly close.
I'd like to think we are.
Mm-hmm.
It's awesome.
-Beth? -Yeah, Beth.
Um, you have a high school-aged child.
Was going on and on and on about your afternoons
together, and she was saying that, uh, you guys spend a
lot of time together, and she'd love it if you took her out to dinner.
I think she was kind of hoping for that, right, Beth?
Oh, were you?
I mean, um, there'd be crap.
Whatever.
No, it's casual.
We're both casual.
Yeah, that's funny.
I just got a casual text myself while you were in the bathroom.
Mm-hmm.
One or two?
I don't know.
Number one, obviously.
Number two, to be back that quickly would be...
Well, you were very quick.
He has IBS, so I know it comes out quickly.
I have IBS.
Well, while you were peeing or shitting or whatever, I got a text
from Max who wanted to know if I would go to the lounge with him.
Oh, I love the lounge.
Um, so I was thinking maybe I would go.
What do you think?
I think you should do whatever you want to do.
That's what I'll do
it was really great talking to you.
So great to see you.
Um, good luck with your son Bye.
Bye She doesn't like me?
No, she likes you fine.
She likes you fine She doesn't like my son, I don't
think No, no, no, she likes your son She likes your son
Um, so how have you been?
What's going on? Oh, um, I've been great, actually.
I'm kind of having fun.
I'm having a lot of sex, actually.
Sex is when the penis goes in the vagina, right?
-Yes, it is. -Just playing with you.
You'll get there. You guys will get back there.
You're gonna go through dry periods, too.
That's not a big deal.
Yes, not me.
I feel like I went through my dry period, and I'm going through my wet period.
I guess I kind of have a slutty side.
But you're wearing protection, right?
Of course I'm wearing protection.
I don't...
It's not that I think you're having, like, sex with homeless guys or anything.
And if you were, more power to you.
I just mean, you know, you got to be careful
because sometimes beautiful packages are filled with AIDS.
You don't know.
I'm not sleeping with anyone with it.
I-I wear...
Yes, I'm fine.
I'm good. I'm not an idiot. No, good, good.
It sounds a little judgy, but, you know...
-I'm sorry. -I just... -I care about you.
I'm using protection. If you're, like, banging the
whole neighborhood, you should protect yourself, you know?
Well, if I manage to bang the whole neighborhood, I will use protection.
So you're upsetting your daughter.
Um, so you guys, wow.
Look at her.
She's so big.
She is getting big.
She's eating all the time.
It's crazy that we have to baby-proof the house right now.
And it's just, like, nonstop.
-Never-ending. -It doesn't stop.
It doesn't stop. And Al loves modern furniture, so
we have all these, like, angled tables and chairs.
Anyway, we have to protect.
We have to pad everything for the baby.
It's been a tornado.
Yeah, it must be hard.
I guess... I feel like the only thing is, is that every...
Thank you.
Uh, everybody is always kind of, like...
Oh, man, it's so hard.
Like, we got to baby-proof our pool, and, like, this is so rough.
We never sleep. And honestly, if it was so fucking hard, why
is everybody even having babies for, like, thousands of years?
Please don't swear in front of the baby.
She's not gonna absorb the word fuck at a...
Oh, my God.
See, this is...
This is why I really thought it was gonna be the two of us today.
I didn't realize there was a family outing with, like, Mr., uh...
Well, I'm sorry, I thought you... ...checks and balances over here.
Honestly, it seems to me, like, because you're
not having any fun, nobody else can have any fun.
I want you to have fun.
And by the way, I'm having tons of fun.
-Yeah. -I'm having so much fun.
I love my baby, and I love Al.
Yeah. Okay? I just have a lot going on, and it's super
stressful, and sometimes I don't know which hat to wear when I'm with who.
This sucks.
I feel kind of like I don't want to be here right now.
-I'm sorry. -I just...
I gotta go.
Where are you going?
-I-I... -You know what? -I-I just...
-I gotta go. -I-I just...
-Where are you go... -Where are you...
What could you possibly be doing right now?
I have a date.
You have a date in the morning?
Yeah, I have a date. I have a morning date.
She doesn't have a date. She doesn't have a date.
I have a date.
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Suck it!
That's what happens when you mess with the bull.
You're very good at darts.
Yeah, I got better.
Do you maybe want to, like, get going?
I mean, I have to go, so, uh, I just...
Do you want to come?
Um, you know, I think I'm gonna stay.
Okay, yeah.
I'm just gonna chill.
Okay.
Uh, awesome to see you.
Good to see you.
Okay.
Cool.
Bye.
-Bye. -Hey, wait.
Come here.
-Okay. -All right.
See you.
I'll call you.
Next week, on the dramatic conclusion of Prisoner of Love.
I didn't expect to fall in love, but I'm grateful that I did.
As Johnny's prison term comes to a close, the
shocking verdict you've been waiting for all summer.
I want to thank you both for doing time with me.
Unfortunately, I gotta let one of you go.
Two women could hold the key to Johnny's
heart, but only one will serve a life sentence.
I don't know what I'll do if Johnny doesn't pick me.
I'm f***ing unstable, y'all.
♪
Ann?
Hey.
Hi.
What's up?
What's up with you?
Don't worry, I'm not going to make too much noise.
I won't wake up Beth or anything.
Okay, then.
What's going on?
Why are you so interested in what's going on in here?
Aren't you dating Max now?
I'm not here to talk about Max.
I'm here to talk to you.
In the last week, I just, like...
I can't stop thinking about you.
It's making me feel crazy.
I mean, I used to think about you, too.
You never noticed, so...
I didn't notice. Why didn't you say anything?
Because I don't know.
-I don't know. -It seemed like you
didn't...
didn't have the same...
Look, Anne, I've come to a good place in my life, finally.
I've moved on.
I think you should, too.
Just move on, just walk away.
There's just nothing to talk about.
Thought is free.
What is that?
It's a quote.
It's Elizabethan.
I'm not even gonna tell you.
I'm gonna give you time.
Is that how we sounded when we used to play that game?
Because it's pathetic.
♪
Fuck you.
I mean, we're...
we're guessing quotes from books, it's like...
Fuck you.
That's a quote from me.
Oh, I got the machine again.
Not a machine.
-What? -It's in the phone.
Hi Jeff, it's your mom.
I got your message that you're not coming today, I'm sorry to hear that.
But at least we'll see you for my birthday.
I love you.
It's your mom.
That's good.
Yeah?
Yeah, not too much pressure.
Try.
Yeah, it says, look, Slim's bitch got a litter now.
It's not his girlfriend.
They were talking about the dog.
Mmm.
I thought she was just messy.
Is he not coming?
He didn't even call to cancel.
My therapist has a 24-hour cancellation policy, and she's strict about it.
So if you cancel, how much do you have to pay?
She charges me like $300, and she calls my parents.
Why?
Well, I asked her to.
Guys, what do you say we just pack it in, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. Let's just pack it into your place.
Yeah, let's go to your place.
Uh, yeah, there's kind of a big difference
between joining a book club and hosting one, so.
This is all we have, man.
This is it.
I mean, this book club is what we have.
I'm looking right at you, and I can tell that's true.
Yeah. You guys are taking that really hard.
I know. It's just, like, what happened to Jeff, you know?
Who likes what he's become now?
-I don't. -I don't.
Guys, I think we should be happy for our friend, all right?
I mean, he wanted to make a change.
He did that, and now he's out there doing what he wants.
Did he make a change?
He likes Ann now.
Yeah, it's not. Is that really a change, or is that
just more like, oh, I've decided to like this girl?
Wait.
What do you mean he likes Ann?
I think he's got, like, feelings for Ann now.
That's why he's acting so crazy.
I don't know. My brother's girlfriend's dad?
Rick.
Rick. Rickalice. Dude, his birth-given name is not Richard.
It's Rickalice.
Asshole of a man.
Found this on the ground.
Told me to give it back to him.
Total shithead, by the way.
He really is a piece of human garbage.
Ah, Jeff.
Whoa, is that what you do in a photo booth?
That's what they did.
That's four versions of what they did.
-Yeah. -You could do whatever you want.
You know, it makes sense, though, you know?
She's a plain Jane, and, you know, he's a shell
of a boring human being, so I guess it works out.
I don't think she's a plain Jane at all.
Ann's a string bean, man.
Come on, man.
She's pretty plain.
You don't think Ann is sexy, though?
You know, I like a little excitement in a woman, you know?
-Like what? -I don't know, breasts.
I like a nice, big, fat lady.
Yeah, me too.
I like... All right, well, fellas, I think I'm gonna split, so...
Good seeing you. All right. It was good seeing you, too.
See you later. If you need us, just, you
know, you have our phone numbers, right?
So you guys are just gonna chill out here in the hall?
Yeah, we'll probably chill out here.
Okay.
It's good seeing you guys. Good seeing you, too, bro.
Always a pleasure.
See ya.
Mice and men.
-Mice and men. -Yeah. -Of mice.
Of mice and men.
It's of mice and men.
Of mice and men.
Almost doesn't make sense.
And that guy was, like, a good writer.
I'm gonna get it under all the way.
What, you don't think it...
Even now. You don't think I put it under there good enough?
I don't know. I think you half-assed it.
All right, Mom.
Yeah, yeah, puttin'
♪
that's right Yeah,
can't play a player, can't
♪
it, honey, I'm a street figure, not no dummy Hey.
What are you doing here?
Oh, hey, man.
Uh, well, I mean, this is my spot.
Right, right.
This is your spot.
It's hard to keep track of spots, because
I have spots all over town.
Look, dude, I, uh, I didn't know you had a thing for Anne.
What?
Anne?
That's crazy, man.
Sorry.
Whoever told you that, way wrong.
Well, I didn't know you smoked.
I don't smoke.
I vape.
-You want to hit it? -No, no.
Come on, take a pull.
No, I'm good. Let's see what the future's all about.
I'm all right, buddy. It's just vapors.
-I'm good. -Thanks. -You sure?
Yeah.
Did you come with Ann?
Yeah, yeah.
She's just...
♪
White people are weird.
What's wrong with the glass.
That's a nasty white girl.
What's wrong with the glass?
Nice!
♪
-make some money Hey. -Anne's here.
Yeah.
-Oh, hi. -I'm Beth. -Hi.
Beth, I'm Max. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Hi, guys.
Speak of the devil.
Here she is.
-Um... -Unfortunately, um, I think we're
gonna go get something to eat at Freddy's.
Oh, yeah, let's get something to eat.
I'm really hungry, so... She's hungry, so we're gonna just...
Nice to see you. We're gonna get it. Ooh!
What a great idea, Beth.
We'd love to join you.
Uh, I don't...
I don't... I'm not so sure that they were...
Oh, were you excluding us?
No, you can come.
What?
You can come.
Oh, good. I didn't want to feel excluded.
That would feel bad.
Yeah, you don't want to feel excluded.
No, I don't.
Okay, so we'll all go to dinner.
Oh, good.
-That's nice. -I want to go.
-Yeah? -Okay. -All right.
Okay. Just the way everyone likes to be invited.
-Yay! -If I say, you can come.
Oh, super!
It's gonna be fine.
All right.
-Sure. -Thanks. -Some wine?
I'd love some, Max.
-Thank you. -Say when.
Perfect, thank you.
Big girl pour, huh?
Mm, big girl pour.
Sure, thanks.
-Buddy. -Yeah, just a normal amount.
Don't be so judgmental.
Cheers, yay, thank you.
Cheers.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Oh, this is so delish.
You should teach a class in wine tasting.
-Yeah? -Or just knowing about wine.
What do you call it?
Wine to the max.
Yeah, I like that.
Why don't you write that down?
Oh, Max.
I like red wine, too.
That's interesting, Beth.
OK.
Is the wine going to aggravate your IBS?
Wine doesn't affect IBS.
I didn't know you had IBS.
Yep.
We both do.
They both have IBS.
Take probiotics.
I've heard that that doesn't work.
For real, no.
-It doesn't. -I bet it works. -Yeah.
I bet it works.
And I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
Beth, I'm sorry. You're going to have to speak up.
I feel like when we met, maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
-Cool. -So?
You look really nice.
I'm not used to seeing you with this much makeup.
Cool. I'm so excited you approve of my look.
Yeah, you really went to town.
I went to town.
Here's the stepping out.
Here's the going to town.
It's a clown town.
Oh.
My son, Brian, is, um...
Oh, God.
Tell us another story.
That would be great.
He's playing the clarinet.
-Oh. -And, um...
I draw.
You do? Yeah, you know, sketches and stuff, mostly.
Yeah.
Charcoals, pastel stuff.
You can draw me if you want.
I would love to draw you.
I would love to be drawn by you.
Hope you have enough pastels.
Oh, original.
-From the face. -Original.
Brian's been playing Klezmer music.
Oh, God.
Look at Brian.
I'm sorry about this.
It's okay. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm good.
-I'm here with you. -Okay.
Okay.
I'm having a blast. I'm so glad we did this.
When are we doing it again?
Maybe we should get some food.
Well, let's get some food. Yeah. That's a good idea.
Let's get food.
♪
-Good? -Yeah?
I'm great.
Alright?
Yeah.
I'd invite you in, but I don't want to.
That's okay, because I've kind of become afraid of you.
Because you think I don't know and you
didn't give me dignity or closure and it's...
Wouldn't have said that a month ago.
Hey Jeff, it's Ann, I'm just calling to talk to you.
So, give me a call back.
You know my number.
Hey Jeff, it's Ann, I'm just calling to talk to you.
I feel like we never got
that side of eggplant
that we ordered and I was like, did we pay for that?
Hey Jeff, I bet you're with Beth right now.
I just wanted to say that's cool by me because guess who I'm with?
I'm with Brian.
I have Brian with me and I know that he's allergic
to peanuts so I'm just feeding him a bunch of peanuts.
Jeff!
Jeffo, would you call me back, you stupid weirdo?
Are you even getting these?
Is this still your fucking phone number?
Jeff, what's that?
Jeff, I'm talking to my dog voice.
Call me back, call me back.
Call me back, call me back, call me back, call me back.
Oh, hello?
I'm sorry, I thought I was actually, I meant to call my friend Jeff.
He's been kind of dogging me.
Give me a little phone call.
Call me up on the phone.
Is this something I'm going to have to expect now?
Yes.
Why are you such a fucking dick?
What?
Why are you such a fucking dick?
You're the one that's woken me up two
times this week in the middle of the night.
What is this fucking place?
It's my apartment.
You look like you live in a fucking Pottery Barn commercial.
Well, I ordered some stuff for the transition.
It looks like a fucking catalog.
I'm trying to improve my life like we talked about.
What is your problem?
I just feel like I don't even know you.
We agreed to do this together, okay?
-And I feel like... -What was tonight?
What?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Why were you so weird at dinner?
I wasn't...
Why was I weird?
-Yeah. -Why was I weird?
You were the weird one.
It's like we weren't even ever friends.
I feel like you're just shutting me out.
I mean, if you want to go out with Beth, I don't fucking care.
I don't want to go out with Beth.
I'm just...
Why are you here?
♪
Hi Jeff, it's your mom.
Hi.
Everything okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I drank every bottle of wine in Pennsylvania.
I ate all the meatballs.
Is there water on your side of the bed?
No.
There's water in the kitchen.
Bye.
Don't look at me like that.
Don't look at me.
Uh-huh.
Mm.
-Are... -are we okay?
We're cool?
-Yeah. -What? -Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
-No. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It's okay. -It's okay.
Yeah, we're okay. What are you talking...
-yeah. -I just... -I don't know.
-I never... -I'm not used...
-I don't know how to... -Oh.
-Oh, yeah.
Oops. I hit one of them. Um, yeah, we're good.
We're so good.
I, um...
Yeah, it's like, um, what is that law?
Murphy's law.
It's like, no, it's...
No, well, I hope it was better.
Um, like, uh, what is that thing?
-Roe v. -Wade. -Yeah, no.
Oh, God, I hope it doesn't end up, um, there.
No, we use...
Yeah.
We use protection.
And...
No, I was just saying that it's good to have a
one-night stand with a friend, because it's not...
Then it's not, you know? It's kind of like, you know, you know?
Uh, cool.
Cool.
So maybe, maybe I should...
-Yeah. -Yeah, I have a...
I have a ton of...
Stuff.
Can you help me?
-Hmm? -Can you help me with my bra?
-It's... -I don't...
-Oh. -I want to be...
-Yeah. -Chased. -I...
-Yep. -Sorry.
I will go as soon as...
No, no, no.
Whatever gets you out the door.
-Oh. -Okay. -I'll leave.
-No, no, no. -I was kidding.
-Hold on. -No. -Get out.
Do you want all four classes?
No, just one is fine.
Because I'm not very big breasted.
-Okay. -There you go. -Um...
-Cool. -Thank you.
That was...
Fun.
That was weird.
-It was fun. -That was weird, right?
-Yeah, it was weird. -I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-I will never do... -I won't.
-Okay. -Goodbye. -Bye.
Yeah.
Okay.
Goodbye.
♪
It's so hard to take a good selfie these days.
I mean, it's more than just the angle, you know?
You gotta think about lighting.
And I've been thinking about getting some work done.
I've noticed in my profile picture that my chin
looks a little bit weak, and I think that getting
surgery on my jawline would really improve my profile.
Of course.
Yeah. So, my friend knows this doctor around here, and
she's used him for a couple procedures, and she looks amazing.
So I'm thinking about using him.
Well, be yourself.
Everyone else is taken, right?
Um, yeah, but I just want to be a better version.
So, in Instagram, I'll have, like, a lot of likes.
♪
I think it's time, hon.
Go ahead.
♪
This message is for Jeffrey Lowry.
This is Stacy from Four Star Furniture Rental.
We've tried to reach you several times regarding your
delinquent payments on your living room and bedroom set rentals.
If the payment is not received, we'll be forced to repossess these items.
♪
-Ms. -Martin. -Principal Miller.
Ms. Martin. I understand you had a very interesting summer.
What, did you get a makeover at the meth mall?
We're shaping young minds here.
Yeah, speaking of...
how's Enrique?
How's his wife?
Alright,
show of hands, who here has been watching Prisoner of Love this summer?
Anybody?
Can anybody tell me who Johnny picked?
If you do, you get this shitty nail polish.
No?
Great, y'all suck.
So...
How was your sums?
Pretty awesome.
Did you party?
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
I got into it a little.
Yeah?
Shot some darts.
Smoked some e-cigs.
Smoked real cigs.
Real cigs are cool, but...
You know, Stephen Dorff smokes the e-cigs.
Can I get back to the principal's office, or...
Do you need me for anything else?
But you're gonna finish up strong, right?
Senior year.
None of this stuff.
Yeah, alright.
Up top.
Okay.
Welcome back.
Anne, what do you want?
I'm sorry.
I fucked up.
Yeah, you did.
You've been a horrible friend and like a shit show of a human being.
You think you're the only person having an identity crisis?
Okay, I am completely lost.
Completely.
Dude, you look terrible.
I know.
I've been home over for, like, two months.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
Okay, I'll go.
Thanks.
Yeah, um, oh, James.
-What? -That's another thing.
I screwed that up, too.
We, like, um, oh, for God's sake.
Yeah, we had sex.
-Yes. -No, it's the worst.
It's, like, fucked everything up, and it's so
awkward, and it's so cliche, and I have no idea what to do.
OK, you know what?
Baby steps.
One, shower.
Yes, ma'am.
Two, nap.
Shower, nap.
Maybe a little toothbrush.
-Yeah. -That's important.
It's been a long summer.
Mm-hmm.
OK, bye.
♪
Mom, I'm so sorry I missed the party.
It was hard for me not having you here.
I think subconsciously I might have lost track of the days.
You know, I know how badly you want me to bring someone to the party.
I'm just, I'm having a hard time.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
I just think you're terrific.
All I want is for my kid to be happy with who he is.
Gay or straight.
Okay.
Gotta throw that in there, huh?
Hi, guys.
Hey.
Ooh, balloons arrived.
Yep.
Oh, hey, man.
Here's your jacket back.
Yeah.
Look, I'd invite you in, but I'm not actually alone, so...
-Okay. -Shit, you know what?
I'm just gonna be up front about this.
Because we're buddies.
-Who's here? -It just kind of happened.
We just...
Oh.
Hey, Jeff.
Max took me out to a really nice dinner,
and we were just about to get into some sex.
Drive her to barbecue.
Well, I just want to apologize for
the way I treated you.
And if I was weird or if there were
any head games or anything, it's my fault.
That was a bit out of my head, so I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I got the sense that Brian wasn't comfortable
around you, and that's kind of a deal-breaker with me.
I'll let you guys talk.
Bye, Jeff.
Who the fuck is Brian?
Brian's her son.
He's into rocks and space?
That's lame.
How does this affect you and,
uh, Anne, not that I...
Look, man, nothing happened with Anne, okay?
She had a crush, she got over it, she told me that herself, so it's all good.
Cool.
Look, you're a good guy, okay?
And what you and Anne could have, that could be the real thing.
Me and Beth, I mean, come on.
As soon as we're done, I'm moving on.
I heard that.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine with it.
She's fine.
Okay.
You're gonna be okay, Jeff.
You're gonna be okay.
All right, you ready?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, get them off.
The old man opened his eyes and for a
moment he was coming back from a long way away.
Then he smiled.
♪
That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me.
♪
You never really understand a person until
you consider things from his point of view.
♪
I've been drunk for about a week now and I
thought it might sober me up to sit in the library.
♪
Oh my god.
Stop.
I've always tried to take the high road
when I get into fucked up shit with people.
♪
the
♪
Hi.
Hello.
This is really beautiful.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I'm glad.
Especially the Tommy Lynn part.
Yeah, well, he is the greatest American author who was also in Motley Crue.
Yeah, I agree.
Did you get a bike?
Oh, no.
I thought it would look cool if I was standing in front of it.
It looks very cool.
Definitely shouldn't have touched it.
Come here.
How was your summer?
It sucked.
Oh, mine was the shittiest.
I turned into an asshole.
♪
You know, I am really sorry about calling the game pathetic.
I don't think the game's pathetic.
I love the game.
I love the game too, but it's really dorky.
Yeah, but we're dorks.
We are dorks, and there's nothing wrong with that.
And I'm King Dork.
Yeah.
♪
You could be my queen.
I'd love to be your queen.
Well, then we're dork royalty.
Yeah.
♪
Uh, hey, guys, um, sorry, um, do you know what time it is?
Get out of here!
I'll murder you in public!
Are you serious right now?
Bad timing!
♪
Just so you know, I was never fully comfortable with Brian.
-Why? -Because he's a magician?
Or because he's an extraordinarily intelligent person for his age group?
Or because of time?
You can be a magician and not wear a
cape around the house with nothing else on.
Who's Brian?
You don't look like you have bones under your skin.
Like you're just all baby body meat.
Wait,
why are you hanging out at kids' schools?
Yeah, what were you doing by the school?
It was just random.
I was watching someone.
Who?
A little discharge.
Okay, I'm going to write down a little discharge.
And I'm going to write in right next to a little discharge.
Put Beth on the phone!
Put Beth on the phone right now, because I'm going to eat the...
Nope.
I'm not going to say it.
I'm going to eat the shit out of his butthole.
You're the rickless.
You're the nasty guy.
I'm a grown man, and you're treating me like a child.
Well, you're acting like a child.
How am I...
Yes!
I just want you to know that I know it was Brian that took a shit in my car.
He took a shit in your car?
-Oh, yeah. -He took a shit in my car.
I saw him go in there.
I saw him perch like an owl in the back seat.
And then when I got in the front seat, there was a big deuce in the back.
Her parents are super creative.
That's why they gave her the name Samanda.
They're both artists.
What kind of art do they do?
They make rugs.
Then they're rug makers.
-They're not artists. -They're artists.
You have to be an artist to make a beautiful rug.
-Sorry. -You have to make...
Also, this.
Yeah, well, I don't know what this is.
That?
Well, when you do that, it just makes you look super...
Like I'm whipping money?
No.
Hey, let me try it.
Cool.
I'm scared.
-No. -See?
It just sounded like a question, but also a complaint.
Did it?
What kind of dirt would get under there?
Like gravel.
Okay, so you've killed a woman.
No, I just know because I've seen movies and I've read books.
About killing women?
So you're interested in it?
-No, I'm not. -I was forced to.
Forced? I was forced to read books about killing women.
By who?
Him.
Him?
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