- Hey, Mom. - Hey, stink bug.
I'm so excited.
There's a... Okay, do I stink? Now you're inside my head.
You're stinking cute, you little bug.
Okay, let's start this whole thing again.
Hey, Mom. Don't reply.
There's a museum exhibit I'm dying to see in San Francisco.
It's nearly sold out, but I managed to get us two tickets for next Saturday night
and I was hoping you and I could go.
Oh, that sounds like so much fun, stink... Avery.
Gimme the deets, GF. That's teen speak, GF
See? I'm getting ready for some mother-daughter bonding.
We should totally do each other's nails.
Yeah, we have plenty of time for none of that, GF.
So, we'll drive up Friday night.
Our tickets aren't until Saturday night, so we'll get up there nice and early.
Oh. We can bond as we drive up the coast.
I heard it's so beautiful. I've always wanted to see it.
Oh, and maybe someday you will.
But this trip, we're taking the fast route inland,
bonding through the cow fields.
You can moo at them and hope that they respond
like you always do when you see cows.
I do love a good moo-back.
So, Avery and I are going to San Francisco next weekend.
It was Avery's idea. Don't make a big thing about it.
She came to me!
Well, of course. She can't drive and...
I mean, she came to you. That's great.
But my dance recital is next Saturday.
Oh, my gosh, I totally forgot.
I'm so sorry, Chloe.
I bought the tickets and I totally forgot about your recital.
But we don't want to miss seeing you dance.
There. You saw me dance.
The real problem is, who's gonna do my makeup and hair bun?
You have no idea how important it is to get the makeup
and hair exactly right.
Face it, none of us can dance. It's all about the buns.
Well, sweetie, I could do your bun.
Really? What's the difference between a hair pin and a bobby pin?
Too late! My hair fell into my eyes, I twirled off stage into the front row,
and landed in a face full of grandma-lap.
Yeah, Bennett, you can't just do the bun.
I went to three weeks of bun-making seminars.
Remember, my hand got stuck in a bun-cramp?
Avery, what if we postpone the trip?
We can't. The exhibit closes that night.
All right, Chloe, what if I do your hair
first thing Saturday morning, and then we leave right after?
We'll still have plenty of time to make it to the museum.
I guess that could work.
But I have to keep my bun perfect all day.
What if something goes wrong?
Like Olivia Winder challenging me to a somersault contest.
I'm supposed to just plunk out?
Well, girls, that sounds like a good compromise.
Avery gets her trip, Chloe, gets her bun
and with the bed all to myself, I can sleep like a spider.
Dog With a Blog S02E19 Stuck in the Mini with You
- Stan, wake up. - It's 5:00 A.M., Tyler.
If you need to see me, make an appointment with my assistant.
He's actually an intern. He's trying to break into the business.
- Monkey business? - Tyler, be serious.
You be serious. I need your help. Nikki's gone and...
Nikki's gone? Don't worry, Tyler, I can find her.
I have a very particular set of skills,
skills I have acquired over a very long career... as a dog.
Robert, clear my schedule.
No, she's not missing.
She flew back to El Salvador last night to visit her aunt.
The one who works on Lace and Tears?
That's my favorite telenovela!
Oh, there's something I've always wondered
about that show that she has to ask her aunt for me.
What are they talking about? Because I don't speak Spanish.
We haven't been dating that long,
and it's our first time apart, so I don't know what to text her.
Oh, Robert, you have a similar situation
with that stuffed elephant in Canada, right?
Oh, she did? Never mind then.
Continue.
When I was chasing after Nikki,
she wasn't interested because I was trying too hard.
So I have to play it cool.
But I so want to tell her that she's my life,
my world, the air that I breathe.
Wait, I know.
Winky face. And send.
Come on, Mom, it's 5:00 A.M. Let's go!
You said we were leaving in the morning.
You didn't say anything about 5:00 A.M.
It was right there in the itinerary I slipped under your door.
Wait, is that what came under my door at 2:00 A.M.?
I was so drowsy, I thought I was at a hotel.
I ordered a cheese plate and tried to check out on the DVR.
But the cheese plate came.
Nice work, Robert.
Come on, Mom, we need to get on the road to San Francisco.
I have to do Chloe's hair first.
I know. She's in the kitchen.
Okay, great. I'll do her bun, then I have to go upstairs
and pick up the towels I left on the floor,
and return the bathrobe I apparently stole from myself.
All right, you have half an hour to get Chloe's bun and makeup done
so that we can stay on schedule.
That's not nearly enough time.
Well, I budgeted one minute for you
to complain about not having nearly enough time,
so if you'd like to stop complaining now,
you can roll the remaining 45 seconds into your hair and makeup time.
Okay, let's go, Chloe.
All right, I am gonna pack up the car.
You have 27 minutes.
I had 30 minutes a minute ago.
Mom, I know I'm being a little rigid about all this,
but it's only because I can't wait to get on the road with you
and have the best time ever. You have 25 minutes.
Too tight?
My ballet teacher, Madame Olga says,
A bun that is too tight is like a good bowl of borscht.
There's no such thing.
Okay, done. Just be very careful not to get your hair
or makeup messed up before tonight. You feeling okay?
The pain has changed to a dull throb, so if Madame Olga is right,
soon the numbness will blanket me like a Siberian winter.
So good job, Mommy!
Stan, you have a huge responsibility today.
While I'm gone, you're gonna have to be me.
I can do that.
It's not as easy as you think.
What are you doing?
Just repeating me doesn't mean you're being me.
Stop that. Stop that now.
Stop that now.
Now. Now!
This may sound arrogant, but I'm the glue that holds this family together.
But I thought I was the glue.
Oh, no, of course. You are the glue.
I'm more of the fixer.
Then you should probably go back
and fix that comment about me not being the glue,
because it was very hurtful.
You know, you're right. It was thoughtless of me and I'm very sorry.
Wow, I feel a lot better.
You are the fixer.
So if anything happens while I'm away,
you're gonna have to step in and fix it.
That's what I meant before when I said you have to be me.
You got it, Avery.
Thanks, Stan.
That means a lot to... Stop it, Stan!
I just hope everything goes smoothly.
This weekend is so important to me.
Mom thinks we're going to the museum to see an exhibit, but I have something
very special that I want to surprise her with.
Oh, my gosh, you're going to steal a painting!
Why did you tell me? Now I'm in on it!
After my mild freak out, in which I suggested we set Robert up
as the patsy to take the fall for stealing the painting,
Avery decided not to tell me what the surprise was.
Don't worry, Robert.
I would've made sure your family was taken care of.
-Bye, Mommy, bye, Avery. -Have fun, gals!
Okay, I did not want to worry Mommy
and spoil their trip, but I'm feeling a little woozy.
Oh, I didn't realize it was this bad.
I think I might be coming down with something.
I need to sit down.
My bun!
Seriously, I need to sit down.
Oh, no. Avery left me to be the fixer.
So many problems.
Chloe's bun, Bennett's sick, Tyler's missing.
Well, solved the Tyler problem.
I think I've earned a massage.
Robert, crack those knuckles and meet me on the patio.
No, this is what you signed up for.
Dad, you need to get better.
Oh. I'm okay. It's just a little cold.
No, I mean get better at fixing hair.
Look at me!
I'm gonna look at you with my eyes closed.
That'll be nice.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Man, Nikki never replied to my winky-face text.
I can't text her twice in a row.
That wouldn't be cool. What do I do?
Nikki would know, she knows everything.
I should text her. No!
We got to call Mommy and tell her to come back and fix my hair.
And your makeup. Whoa!
What's wrong with my makeup?
Nothing, if you're in a heavy metal band.
But don't worry about that.
We're not ruining your mom's and Avery's trip.
So what's the plan?
That's the only one option. You join a heavy metal band.
Can you play three chords on a guitar and go like this?
What was that?
And there's mile marker 254. Check.
Are you going to check off every mile marker we pass?
Well, I need to do something between checking off every time you say,
"Isn't this fun" while doing a little shoulder dance.
Well, isn't this fun?
And there's another cow herd. Moo!
Yes! Check that off!
Already did. You're up to seven moo-backs.
Eight, if you include that hitchhiker who mooed for some reason.
I have to say, Mom, I'm pretty stoked.
Traffic is light and we're ahead of schedule.
We might even have time before the exhibit to visit Alcatraz.
I hope it's not too late to get tickets.
How do you even get into Alcatraz?
Commit a crime before 1963.
We are having so much fun.
Daddy, you're looking much better.
I'm feeling much better.
Then can you fix my hair?
Of course, Tyler.
Oh, no.
Chloe's dance recital is just a few hours away.
If I'm gonna be Avery, I've got to fix this.
But if I'm gonna fix this, I've got to be Avery.
Avery? How was the museum?
Or Stan, good boy.
I don't know what is going on.
Bennett can use the hair spray on Chloe's hair.
If this doesn't work, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Ooh, Tyler's phone.
I bet Nikki would know what to do.
She knows everything.
"I need you, Nikki."
Chloe, what are you doing with my phone?
And Stan, why are you dressed like...
Okay, I don't even care.
Chloe, what are you doing with my phone?
"I need you, Nikki."
What? She's going to think this is from me!
"I'm so sad about my hair.
How am I gonna dance with the other girls tonight?"
Chloe!
Tyler, do not yell at the red plant I'm watering.
You're a thirsty little shrub, aren't you?
Aw, man.
Why was I plumping while you were spraying?
It's just getting worse and worse.
Of all the times for Robert to take a personal day and stick me with Chris.
And you wonder why you're still a temp, Chris.
Don't give up on yourself, Chris.
We're making great time, and I only missed one mile marker
when I had to calm you down after that double moo-back.
I'm still freaking out.
A double moo-back, Avery! What does it mean?
Ooh, there's another sign for the Greenville Garlic Extravaganza.
We have time.
Mom, let's just ride this double moo-back wave and go out on a high note.
Come on, Avery. We're making such great time that we have a cushion.
I want to allow that extra time to make sure that we get there.
Oh, Avery, come on.
Mom, I don't want us to miss
the surprise... ingly good time that we're gonna have.
We need that cushion in case things go horribly wrong.
What could go horribly wrong?
So remember when we weren't stuck
on the side of a mountain road in a snowstorm,
and you suggested we drive up to the garlic festival
and then asked, "What could go horribly wrong?"
Vaguely.
Now we're stuck in the snow, and we'll never make it to the museum.
And just so you could get all these stupid garlic souvenirs.
Stupid? This T-shirt's scratch and sniff.
It smells like garlic if you do this.
That's not the t-shirt, that's you.
I understand you're upset, and in retrospect,
perhaps the garlic detour was a bit ill-conceived,
but I've got something that'll cheer you up.
It's your favorite CD from when you were little.
Remember when you were little?
And there were CDs?
Don't forget the moves we made up.
When you're driving down the street,
all the friendly cars in meet,
like to stop and say hello.
Now you better join me for the honks.
Spell me the word, stink bug.
Or Stinky B.
That's what I like to call you when you rock the mic.
Come on, Avery, this is the part we used to do together.
The only friendly car that I want to meet is a tow truck.
I'm sorry we missed the museum.
But we can still make memories together.
Maybe now would be a good time to do each other's nails.
I'll go put on the snow chains.
Hello?
Hey, Nikki.
Oh, if you left your phone at my house,
why don't you just call Tyler and ask him to look for it?
Yeah, I don't know anyone's number either.
But I bet that business card I gave you doesn't seem so silly now, does it?
Do you need another one? I have 999 left.
Yeah, I agree, one is enough.
Yeah, let me look up Tyler's phone number for you.
Hello? Hello?
No signal.
Hey, look at this.
Look, a snow baby walked up the side of the car.
Silly snow baby.
Whose phone is this?
Oh, Tyler's texting me. That's nice.
Oh, look. He's going dancing with other girls.
That's my boy.
I texted Nikki that Chloe's the one who sent
those other texts before, but she hasn't replied.
She must not believe me.
What if she never talks to me again?
We have bigger problems.
Big, red, curly problems.
And as the acting Avery, I command you...
- Isn't that what she does? - Yeah.
I command you to rinse all that hairspray out of Chloe's hair and fix it.
How do you know I won't mess up her hair
because I'm mad at her for sending those texts?
Because, you're a good brother.
And because you can't willfully mess up hair.
It means too much to you.
True. But what do I know about doing a girl's hair?
It's just like doing your hair, only it doesn't take nearly as long.
True.
All right, Chloe, come here. We're going to do your hair.
I already did my makeup.
Wash that off, too.
I don't want to. I love clowns.
Tyler? Tyler?
I hate being sick. My throat hurts so much.
Oh, it's from Nikki!
She says her throat hurts so much, she couldn't call me.
You can deal with that later.
I have to get ready for my recital. It's in an hour!
I'm gonna ask her about her feelings. Girls love that.
He's asking about my feelings.
I love that.
She says she feels hot, then cold.
Women. Am I right?
Now she says she's sweating like a pig.
Have we reached the part in our relationship
where nothing's embarrassing? Aw, yeah.
"You're the cutest pig I've ever seen."
You're a sweet boy, Tyler.
Thanks, Dad.
Hello?
All right, Stan, I got all the makeup off.
But I've got less than an hour before we have to be at my recital.
If I show up looking like this, Madame Olga's gonna say,
"Its okay, Chloe,"
but not mean it!
I'm sorry, Chloe.
I tried to be Avery but I'm just not.
Of course you're not. You're a dog.
Avery's the future CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
At least that's what it says on her business card.
Wait a minute, you're right.
I'm a dog.
I need to solve your problem the way a dog would.
Dogs groom each other, and that's what I'm gonna do to you.
Sit right here and get ready to feel special.
Thanks, Stan. That's amazing, but will it hold?
Oh, yeah.
I used a special product to make sure it does.
Dog slobber.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Oh, there's your barrette.
What about my makeup?
I have a plan for that, too.
Wow. Stan, it's amazing you can do that.
Not really.
This is something all dogs can do.
Why do you think supermodels have dogs in their purses?
I look great, but who's gonna get me flowers?
I can't be the only girl without flowers.
Women. Am I right?
I'll get you some flowers.
I'm telling you, if a woman invented snow chains,
they'd go right on. Men. Am I right?
I guess we're going to have to stay here and wait until it clears up.
Sweetie, I'm sorry we're missing the museum.
I know you really wanted to see that exhibit.
I just can't believe we came all this way
and you won't even get to see the Munier.
The what?
The print that you have hanging in your room.
Munier's Mother Dearest.
I remember how you told me that was the painting
that you would look at when you used to rock me to sleep every night.
Then when I got a little older, we would look at it together.
I love that painting.
You pointed to it when you said your first word: "Mama."
I was a little hurt you weren't pointing at me,
but that's fine, that's fine.
Whenever I look at the mother and daughter in that painting,
I always think of us.
I know. And I wanted us to go see the original together.
It's temporarily on display at the museum.
That's why I wanted to go so badly.
This trip was all for me?
Yeah. I wanted to surprise you.
Now I'm really sad we're missing it,
and not because the tickets cost so much "Munier."
Good one, Ellen.
Gosh, I can't believe you were doing this amazing, thoughtful thing.
I ruined the whole trip by getting angry.
I just wanted this weekend to be perfect.
Oh, sweetie, this is perfect.
This is exactly what I wanted, this moment.
Us. Bonding. I'll never forget it.
Thanks, Mom.
I'll never forget it, either.
Love you.
Hey, I know what we need.
If the car's feeling sad, it will cry, honk, honk!
if the car gets confused, it will say "why", honk, honk!
Stinky B.
- Hey, how was the museum? - No, we didn't make it.
What? That's terrible.
We were trapped in the car, stuck in the snow,
in the middle of nowhere for hours.
She had to talk to me. It was great!
Mom, I wanted to talk to you.
Which anecdote about my wacky life did you enjoy the most?
Probably the time that you and your roommates took that wild trip to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was great.
Mommy! You're home!
Oh, sweetie, how was the recital? I can't wait to see the video.
I had the best bun, and I got the biggest flowers
from Daddy with a note saying, "I'll love you forever, Tiffany."
I don't know.
I did a great job.
I must've been in the zone.
I don't remember any of it.
Sweetie, you don't look so good.
I'm not, hon. I've got a 102-degree fever.
I spent the weekend shaking and shivering.
This is the only thing that gives me any comfort.
I call her Joanie.
Come on, let's get you some tea.
Just having you home is making me feel better already.
Why am I holding a hairball?
Hey, Tyler. Nikki left her phone here. She said she misses you.
She does? Awesome!
Wait, if the phone was here on the couch,
does that mean I was texting with Dad?
You said you loved his cute little nose.
I told Nikki to put a password on her phone.
Women, am I right?
I got to say, being Avery is hard work.
But it went a lot smoother when I started doing it as me.
I'm even selling my own dog slobber hair product.
I call it Dog Slobber Hair Product.
It hasn't been selling.
Do you think it's the name?