有請下一位表演者 Keep it going for the next performer,
我兄弟 庫米爾·南賈尼先生 my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
你好 Hello.
我說說我自己 Um, I'll tell you about myself.
我在巴基斯坦長大 I grew up in Pakistan.
人們總是問我 And people are always asking me,
那是什麼感覺？ "What was that like?"
真的與此沒什麼不同 Really not that different from here.
我們玩板球 I mean, we played cricket,
一種加了香料的棒球 which is just a spicier version of baseball.
我們常祈禱 And we prayed a lot.
也不是很多 一天五次 Well, not a lot. Just five times a day.
父母早為我們找好了結婚對像 And we marry someone our parents find for us,
包辦婚姻 你知道嗎？ arranged marriage, you know?
但對我來說就是晚看 But, for me, it was probably that we got episodes
「霹靂遊俠」美劇 稍晚一點 of Knight Rider a little bit later.
「稍晚一點」的意思是 And by "little bit later, "
我們才看到第二集 I mean, we just got episode two.
但除此之外 完全一樣 But other than that, it was exactly the same.
片名：《大 病》
♪ Somethin's wrong 'cause my mind is fading
♪ And everywhere I look there's a dead end waiting
♪ Temperature's dropping at the rotten oasis
♪ Stealing kisses from the leprous faces
♪ Got a devil's haircut in my mind
這些都是我真正的日記 So, these are my real journals, honestly.
這是女作者 And this is the woman who wrote them.
可憐的姑娘 Poor gal.
她完全不知道 Yeah. She She has no idea that, like,
巨型乳房即將發芽 giant titties are about to sprout
並戲劇性地 改變她的生活 and change her life dramatically.
所以 謝謝你們 So, uh, thank you, guys
沒有糟糕的觀眾 夥計 只有糟糕的喜劇演員 There's no bad crowds, dude, only bad comedians.
你總是抱怨觀眾 You complain about the crowd, like, all the time.
就像他們 真的很糟糕 Yeah, like, that's when they're really bad.
起碼90％的時間 他們真的很糟糕 That's, like, 90% of the time they're really bad.
聽著 你能關照我 今晚給我提示 Look, will you just watch and give me notes tonight?
好嗎？ All right?
如果我們相互提示 絕對好 If we both give each other notes, I think it helps.
你的提示只是在段子亂添「操」 Your notes are just, "Add more fucks into the bit."
- 對誰都沒用 -「操」 是一個趣味詞 - That doesn't help anybody. - Hey, fuck's a funny word.
開始軟 最後硬 It's soft on the top, and it's hard on the end.
真可怕 That was truly horrible.
- 太糟糕了 - 發生什麼事了？ - That was so bad. - What happened?
- 關照一下 - 我會的 還給你提示 - Just watch. - I'll watch, give you notes.
- 好嗎 謝謝 - 嘿 太棒了 - All right. Thank you. - Hey, that was great.
不 他都沒笑 No, he didn't even crack a smile.
- 我以為我要吐了 - 誰？ - I thought I was gonna puke. - Who?
鮑勃·達勒萬 Bob Dalavan.
誰是鮑勃·達勒萬？ Who's Bob Dalavan?
鮑伯·達勒萬 為蒙特利爾喜劇節工作 Bob Dalavan works for the Montreal Comedy Festival,
你個傻蛋 you fucking doof.
- 他在這裏？ - 是的 - He's here? - Yes.
你不想被注意嗎？ Don't you want to get noticed?
你不想搬到洛杉礬去嗎？ Don't you want to move to L.A.?
天哪 和以利亞·伍德混？ Hang out with Elijah Wood, and shit?
沒人上台？ Nobody's on stage?
沒有 No.
他可能在製造可卡因 He might've been doing cocaine.
製造可卡因 因為好玩？ Was he doing cocaine recreationally?
真癮君子 True cokehead.
- 癮君子 - 我懷疑他是 - Cocaine. - I wonder if he was.
現在 在我猜出下一個傢伙前 Now, before I bring out the next guy,
今晚是吉露果子凍之夜 星期二 you guys know tonight is Jell-O shot Tuesday!
我們都知道八發果凍杯後會怎樣 And we all know what happens after eight Jell-O shots.
會尿自己一身 嶇吐 We urinate all over ourselves and puke.
好吧 所以我要請出下一位演員 Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic.
- 信心 風度 - 這個人 - Confidence. Poise. - You know this man.
歡迎 克裏斯·瓊斯先生 Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!
微笑 Smile.
- 克裏斯 - 他就像操了 - Chris! - He's like if a serial killer
勵志演說家的連環殺手 fucked an inspirational speaker.
他就像丹尼爾·戴·劉易斯 除了他很遜 He's like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he sucks.
我在替他熱場 I've tried his warm-up.
- 這對我不管用 - 令人不安 - It does not work for me. - So unsettling.
剛買了一合激光打印機 Just bought a laser printer.
打印出來 到目前為止打了六個激光器 Printed out, like, six lasers so far.
- 也許 - 嘿 多德 - Maybe. - Hey, DODD.
達勒萬 今晚挺受歡迎 Uh, Dalavan's in the crowd tonight.
- 我能十分鐘嗎？ - 不 五分鐘 - Can I do ten? - No, five minutes.
你把椅子放好 你五分鐘 You put out chairs, you do five minutes.
- 規矩你懂 - 拜託 夥計 - You know the deal. - Come on, man.
我下次加倍 拜託 I'll double it up next time. Come on.
你在那裏打算做什麼？ What are you gonna do in there?
我正在安排下周的日程 I'm making up next week's schedule.
好的 酷 Okay, cool.
我和女朋友在床上 I was in bed with my girlfriend,
我想對她男人式說教 and I was trying to mansplain to her that, you know, we
小小地球 不過是銀河系一個恆星的小行星 We are on one little rock orbiting one star in a galaxy
全宇宙充滿著10億星系 of a billion stars in a universe
每個星系10億恆星 full of a billion galaxies.
難怪我忘了你的生日 You know, so I forgot your birthday.
誰在乎？ Who gives a shit?
好比 宇宙規模級的反應過度 Like, you are cosmically overreacting to this.
老實說 你超級自私 Honestly, you are being super selfish.
你是對的 但你很自私 You're right, but you're selfish.
嘿 Hey.
你們聽說過別稱「奶酪」的雞尾酒新藥嗎？ Have you guys heard of this drug cocktail called cheese?
我看了新聞報道 所以我查了這種奶酪的成分 Uh, I saw these news reports, so I looked up what cheese is,
它是一種混合物 and cheese is a mixture.
泰諾林外加海洛因 Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin.
本質是海洛因 So, really, it's heroin.
海洛因勇挑重擔 Heroin's doing the heavy lifting.
光海洛因本身 就夠強大了 Just do the heroin. It's very powerful.
你已經有海洛因了 You already have heroin.
這裏有巴基斯坦人嗎？ Is Pakistan in the house?
真的？你不是巴基斯坦人 Really? You're not from Pakistan.
我早注意你了 I would've noticed you.
- 開什麼玩笑？ - 嗯 - Are you kidding me? - Mmm.
他剛允許你去蒙特利爾？ He just gave you Montreal? Like, you don't have to
不需要展示 或者試鏡什麼的 showcase or audition or anything?
不要 這太簡單了 幾乎 No. It was too easy, almost.
我也想奮鬥 想要故事 Like, I wanted to struggle. I wanted I wanted a story
直接上脫口秀 to be able to tell on talk shows,
而不是 and instead, like
你們不知道奮鬥有多艱難 You guys don't know how tough it is not to struggle.
這是一場成功的奮鬥 It's It's a struggle succeeding effortlessly.
- 他有說我什麼嗎？ - 當然 - Did he say anything about me? - Sure.
- 那我呢？ - 你們兩個 - What about me? - He They, both of you.
他說 「那些傢伙演完了」 He said, "Those guys performed."
事實上我真的恨你 I truly hate you, actually.
我們都恨你 We all hate you.
- 你好 - 嘿 - Hi. - Hi.
- 你好 - 嗯 我叫庫米爾 - Hello. - Um, my name's Kumail.
我們知道 Yeah, we know.
我們看到你表演了 Yeah, we saw you perform.
現在不拘小節 Now that the niceties are out of the way, um,
我得告訴你 當你看我時 I have to tell you that when you yelled at me,
真的讓我分心了 it really threw me off,
你不應該起哄喜劇演員 and, uh, you really shouldn't heckle comedians.
太粗魯了 It's so rude.
我沒起哄你 I didn't heckle you.
我只是呼呼你 這是支持 I just whoo-hoo'd you. It was supportive.
好吧 常見的誤會 Okay, that's a common misconception.
但對著喜劇演員大喊大叫 But yelling anything at a comedian
就是起哄 is considered heckling.
起哄不一定是消極的 Heckling doesn't have to be negative.
如果我大喊 So, if I If I yelled out, like,
「你在床上太棒了」 "You're amazing in bed!"
那算會是起哄？ That'd be a heckle?
是的 這絕對是起哄 Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle.
- 酷 - 哇 - Cool. - Whoa.
再見 Bye.
- 哦 - 別走 - Oh. - Don't go.
- 不 你可以 - 我要走了 - No, you can - I'm going.
你把我朋友嚇跑了 You scared my friend off now.
你叫什麼名字？ What's your name?
艾米麗 Emily.
艾米麗 Emily. Here
我想給你看點東西 艾米麗 I want to show you something, Emily.
這是你名字 烏爾都語 This is your name in Urdu.
哦 Oh.
這招管用嗎？ Does this move work?
我已經小有成功 I've had some minor success with it.
廢話 Bullshit.
你和你朋友 So, you just came to a comedy show
－起看喜劇？ with your friends?
是的 我們都是芝加哥大學的研究生 Yeah. We're all grad students at the University of Chicago.
你在研究什麼？ What are you studying at grad school?
我學習心理學 我要當心理醫生 I study psychology. I'm going to be a therapist.
所以你要坐在沙發上 然後 Oh, so you're gonna sit on a couch, and, like,
問別人 比如 「這讓你感覺如何？」 ask people, like, "How does that make you feel?"
我是說最終 沒錯 I mean, eventually, yeah.
現在我在做現場調查 Right now I'm just doing fieldwork
和一夥 with this group of guys
被判家庭暴力罪的人 who are convicted of domestic violence.
- 上帝 哇 - 乾杯 - Jesus. Oh, wow. - Cheers to that.
不 別為那個乾杯 敬你是個心理醫生 No, don't cheers to that. To you being a therapist.
好極了 敬我的碩士學位 Great. To me getting my master's.
從此處開始 然後我們去其他地方 We'll start there, and then we'll go to the rest of it.
我的室友克裏斯可能在沙發上 So, my roommate Chris is probably on the couch.
他會想試著開始心理談話 He's gonna want to try and start a conversation.
所以 不要答應 So, do not engage.
好的 Okay.
我們上 Let's go.
嘿 夥計 嘿 - Hey, pals. - Hey.
你好 Hi.
對他有好處 Good for him. Good for him.
你想看電影嗎？ Do you want to watch a movie?
- 當然 - 好的 - Sure. - Okay.
我應該把我的東西放下 還是 Should I just, like, put my stuff down or
請吧 我會說挺安全的 Yeah, I would say it's safe. You know what?
那個區域 放那裏 That area's Go for that area.
我今年早些時候就清理過了 I cleaned that earlier this year, so
我要脫鞋嗎 或者這是免脫鞋床？ Should I take my shoes off or is this a shoes-on bed?
不 這是「要脫鞋」床 No, it's a shoes-off bed.
我有嚴格的規定 I have I have strict rules.
酷 Cool. Cool.
哦 喔 Oh, wow.
充氣床墊 That is totally, uh, an inflated mattress.
是的 那你本來期待 Yeah. Well, did you think it was gonna be
充氣床墊？ a flat, inflatable mattress?
我本認為床墊就是真的床墊 I did think it might be an actual mattress,
但你知道 but you know.
氣墊床墊也是真實床墊的一種 Well, air mattresses are actual mattresses.
你太固執了 You're being bigoted
- 好吧 - 靠著空氣 - Okay. Uh-huh. - towards air-based
呃 Uh-huh.
- 對 靠著空氣底墊？ - 很舒適的物品 - Towards air-based mattresses? - comfort items.
活死人之夜？ Night of the Living Dead?
好啊 我從沒看過那部電影 Sure, I haven't ever seen that movie.
好了 既然死人都爬起來了 Okay, so, basically, the dead start rising.
- 嗯哼 - 那麼活人是不是該 - Mmm-hmm. - And the good guys, um
短信勞倫 Text Lauren.
你醒了嗎 女孩？ You up, girl?
不 媽的 不 No, fuck, no.
你想對沃倫說什麼？ What do you want to say to Warren?
她 She
你想說什麼？ What do you want to say to
你醒醒 句號 You up, period.
發送 Send.
這可能超出了我的能力範圍 That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.
媽的 不 Fuck. No.
這些傷疤是什麼？ What are these scars?
天花疫苗 Oh, they're, uh, smallpox vaccination.
我以為只有老人有 I thought only old people had those.
我來自巴基斯坦 Well, I'm from Pakistan,
我們還在奮鬥 and we're still fighting some battles
但你們已經贏了 you guys have already won.
你在高中是什麼樣的？ What were you like in high school?
你是不是超級搞笑？ Were you, like, super funny?
你真的很聰明嗎？ Were you really smart?
你 Were you
我很害羞 I was very shy.
他們叫我 「掐死牡蠣」 They called me Chashmullee.
什麼意思？ What is that?
大致翻譯成 「白癡」 It roughly translates to "dweeb."
我給你看張照片 I'll show you a picture.
你高中時？哦 天啊 Of you in high school? Oh, my God.
- 崩 - 不 - Boom. - No.
我要刪了它 And I'm thinking I'm killing it right now.
- 這個髮型的來源是什麼？ - 休格蘭特 - What inspired this haircut? - Hugh Grant.
- 不 - 是的 - No. - Yeah.
- 不 - 大粉絲 - Oh, no. - Big fan.
- 你好嚴肅 - 好吧 - And you're so serious, too. - Okay.
我讀過一篇休格蘭特的採訪 I read an interview with Hugh Grant.
- 他說他從來不笑 - 假的吧 - He said he doesn't smile. - No. That's not real.
因為他笑起來很胖 所以我從不 'Cause it makes his face look fat, so I didn't
我不在照片中微笑 很多年 I didn't smile in pictures for many years.
你在高中什麼樣？ What were you like in high school?
嗯 Um
你是否 被評為 最性感？ Were you, like, voted, like, most sexy?
沒有 我被評為最引人注目 No. I was voted most noticeable.
- 很好 - 不 真的不好 - That's good. - No, it's really not good.
我有粉刺 我曾很哥特（不快樂） I, uh, had acne, and I was a goth, and
我燙髮 I had this terrible perm.
嗯 是的 孩子們叫我陰間大法師（蒂姆·伯頓1988年導演電影） Um, yeah, the kids called me Beetlejuice.
我不知道為什麼 I don't know why.
事實上 我知道為什麼 Actually, I do know why.
因為他們認為我外形像陰間大法師 It's because they thought I looked like Beetlejuice.
我得結束這個話題了 I think I'm done with this subject.
事實上 我想要回家了 In fact, I think I'm gonna go home.
等等 我們還沒有再次親熱 Wait, wait. We haven't even had sex again yet.
我不是那種女孩 Yeah, I'm just not that kind of girl.
第一次約會 我只親熱一次 I only have sex once on the first date.
- 喔 - 外加一份手活兒 - Wow. - Plus a hand job.
好吧 我還沒有手活 所以 Okay, well, I haven't had that, so
你不明白 其實因為你取笑我 You don't get that because you made fun of me.
怎麼了？你在做什麼？ What is happening? What are you doing?
我在毯子下面換衣服 I'm changing under this blanket.
我什麼都看過了 記得嗎？ I've seen everything. Do you remember?
我們剛做完愛 We were just having sex.
是啊 但我們剛才是激情的陣痛 Yeah, but we were, like, in the throes of passion then,
然後 and
聽著 我過得很愉快 Listen, I had a really nice time.
謝謝 Thank you very much.
我得叫優步回家 I'm just gonna, like, call an Uber, go home,
我希望 and I hope
拜託 Just
你的司機只要穿上褲子 Your driver will be ready
就準備好出發了 as soon as he puts on his pants.
我們親熱的時候 你還在優步接單嗎？ Were you available for rides while we were fucking?
對哦 但我只瞄過幾眼 Yeah, but I only looked a couple times.
所以 萬一我在俱樂部撞見你 So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you at the club sometime,
我們可以喝一杯嗎？ and we can grab a drink?
嗯 我不是 Um, I'm not
雖然聽起來像排隊 I know this sounds like a line,
但我真沒有 but I'm not really, like
我現在沒有真的約會 I'm not really dating right now. I just
我有很多學校的 工作方面的 I've got a lot of school and work and
- 是的 - 我盤子裏還有很多供選擇的 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just a lot on my plate.
我明白 完全 Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.
挺完美 因為我 That's perfect 'cause I'm not
現在也在約會 dating right now, either.
- 是的 - 嗯 - Okay. - Yeah.
我實際上有非常嚴格的兩天規則 And I actually have a pretty strict two-day rule
意思是我約會最多連續兩天 where I can't see someone more than two days in a row.
所以 既然我們傍了兩天 So, since we hung out for two days,
即使我打算再次見你 even if I were to see you again,
實際上不可能 因為你沒在約會 which I won't 'cause you're not dating,
我也沒有 I'm not dating,
所以 得到星期一我才能見到你 I wouldn't be able to see you till Monday.
我們並沒有傍了兩天 We haven't hung out for two days.
我們才約了五小時 We've hung out for about five hours.
- 是的 但是 - 得徹底解釋明白 - Yeah, but - Just to be totally clear.
昨天和今天 午夜之後日期跳動了 Yesterday and today 'cause it's after midnight.
所以 現在已經是明天了 So, today is actually tomorrow,
今晚早些時候是昨天 所以算兩天 earlier tonight was yesterday, so two days.
你看 我不跟時間書獃子約會 You see, I don't date time-nerds,
所以 你被請出了我的餐盤 so that really takes you off the table.
也行 That works out
因為我是個頑固的時間書獃子 'cause I am a hardcore time-nerd.
是的 我看得出來 Yeah, I can tell.
我很嚴格 關於上午/下午的東西還有 I'm, like, very strict about a.m./p.m. stuff and
等等 我們到底 So, wait. So, just to establish,
決定了什麼？ what did we decide?
我們決定以後再也不見面了 We decided we aren't ever gonna see each other again.
好極了 Great.
很高興我們意見一致 I'm glad we're on the same page.
看我的牛仔褲 庫米 Look at my jeans, Kumi.
他們來自「人類公民」 They're from Citizens of Humanity.
- 品牌的名宇 - 哦 - That's the brand's name. - Oh.
他們很軟 摸摸 They're so soft. Touch them.
我不想碰你的牛仔褲 I don't want to touch your jeans.
- 快點 摸摸 - 我會摸的 爸爸 - Come on, touch them. - I'll touch them.
他們就像運動褲 They're like sweatpants, you know.
你應該像你父親－樣時髦 You should be stylish like your father, you know.
這並不難 只要觀察我 It's not very difficult. Just observe me.
- 跟爸爸學著點 - 嗯 - Get some Daddy style. - Yeah.
庫米 你為什麼不留鬍子？ Kumi, why don't you grow a beard?
- 不用像納維德 小一點就行 Not like Naveed's, just a small one.
- 別像他的 - 是的 也許像我的 - Not like his. - Maybe like mine.
雖小 但酷和時尚 Small, cool, and stylish.
庫米 我一直在想 Kumi, I've been thinking.
為什麼你不去報名法學院？ You know, why you don't enroll for LSAT now?
對不起 媽 我還沒吃完 Yeah, sorry, Ma, I haven't done it yet.
我喜歡你提起 I like that you bring it up
好像你以前從沒提起過 as if you've never brought it up before.
你的脫口秀怎麼樣了 巴依？ How's the stand-up coming, Bhai?
一切都很順利 謝謝 It's going fine. Thank you.
你什麼時候開始脫口秀的？ Yeah, since when are you someone to stand up?
我認為說脫口秀的應該是馬萊拉 You know who I think should stand up is Malala.
- 她有話要說 - 馬萊拉 對 - She has something to say. - Malala, yeah.
- 我愛馬萊拉 - 她有話要說 - Ooh, I love Malala. - She has something to say.
- 馬萊拉 - 是的 我知道 - Malala. - Yeah. I know.
她打開麥克風 觀眾就蜂擁而來 She does open mics, and she crushes.
許多種族材料 我認為某種段子材料 A lot of ethnic material, which I think is a crutch,
但那個段子說的太多次了 and that one story gets a lot of play, but
你應該去 You should be on that show
- 星期六夜間直播 - 簡稱SNL - Saturday Night Live. - SNL.
真是個好主意 我應該給他們發電子郵件 That's a great idea. I should e-mail them.
不知道我為什麼沒想到這一點 I don't know why I hadn't thought of that.
你知道碼 我黑了你表哥 You know, I hacked into your cousin
裏恩的Facebook賬號 Rehan's Facebook account.
- 你偷了賬號了？ - 哦 - You hacked into it? - Oh.
是的 因為他們不接受我加好友 Yeah, they were not accepting my friends request,
- 所以我不得不侵入 - 好吧 - so I had to hack into it - Okay.
我發現他和一起生活的白種女人 and I discovered that he and that white woman
生了個孩子 that he's living with are having a baby.
- 他們已經結婚了 - 這並不要緊 - They're married. - Yeah, whatever.
然後我侵人了博客 我發現 And then I hacked into Tumblr, and I discovered that
他們給孩子取名為 「大夫」 they have named the baby Da-ve.
- 你能想像嗎？ - 是大夫 - Can you imagine? - Dave.
- 戴夫？戴夫 - 可能是戴夫 - Dave? - It's probably Dave.
哦 戴夫 戴夫 Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.
- 沒人叫大夫的 - 非常 非常 非常悲傷 - Nobody's named Da-ve. - It's very, very, very sad.
沒有人會去看望那個孩子的 那個孩子 No one is going to visit that baby, and that baby,
記住我的話 會在沒有家庭的情況下成長 mark my words, will grow up without a family.
就像他死了或更糟 It's like he's dead or worse.
非常可悲的 庫米 It is very sad. Kumi,
現在禱告 這樣我們就可以吃冰淇淋了 去吧 go and pray now, so then we can eat ice cream. Go.
- 去吧 求你了 走吧 - 嗯 媽媽 我先吃完 - Go. Please, go. - Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.
快點 巴依 冰淇琳 Hurry up, Bhai. Ice cream.
然後我們吃冰淇淋 And then we'll eat ice cream.
停 加納馬茲在樓下 去吧 Stop, stop. Janamaz is downstairs. Go.
站住 Stop.
這是什麼？ What is this?
時間到
我不知道 我想 I don't know, I think
我媽過去做的印度冰淇淋最好吃 My mother used to make best kulfi.
- 你 你奶奶？ - 是嗎？ - Your grandmother. - Oh, yeah?
我認為冰淇淋比印度冰淇淋好 I think ice cream is better than kulfi.
不 No, no, no.
我想知道會是誰 Oh. I wonder who that could be.
- 嗯 - 讓我看看 我不知道 - Yeah. - Let me check. I don't know.
我猜是個年輕的單身巴基斯坦女人 I'm guessing it's a young, single Pakistani woman
碰巧開車經過我們家 who just happened to be driving by our house,
問題我家是死胡同 which is on a cul-de-sac.
- 嗯 - 我還猜 - Well - And I'm also guessing
這句話 「順路拜訪」 that the phrase "dropped in"
將在接下來的十秒內說出 will be said in the next ten seconds.
- 十 - 十 九 - Ten. - Ten, nine
- 八 七 - 安靜 - eight, seven - Quiet.
所有人 這是祖比達 Everyone, this is Zubeida.
- 她順路拜訪 - 薩拉姆（你好） - She just dropped in. - Salaam.
- 來吧 請坐 - 嗯 - Come, please. Sit. - Mmm.
庫米爾 你的檔案 Oh, here, Kumail, for your files.
- 謝謝 - 你的X檔案 因為 - Thank you. - Your X-Files because
- 謝謝 - 那是你最喜歡的電視節目 - Thank you. - that's your favorite show.
嗯？ Huh?
非常感謝 Thank you so much.
「真相就在那裏」 "The truth is out there."
- 嗯 - 這句是裏面的台詞 - Uh-huh. - It's from the show.
謝謝 Thank you.
- 謝謝 - 再見 - Thank you. Yeah. - Bye.
- 再見 - 希望再來 - Bye. - I hope you come back.
庫米 這樣產生不了神奇火花 好嗎？ Kumi, there's not just going to be a magic spark, okay?
你必須努力 你得保持開放 You have to work at it. You have to stay open.
- 好的 媽媽 - 好吧 很好 - Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah. - Okay. Good.
我只是希望你能做得更好 I just wish you were better at it, you know?
我的意思是 你練習這麼多 你仍然 I mean, you've had so much practice, and you're still
- 還不夠擅長 - 哈 哈 哈 哈哈 - You're not that good at it. - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
很有趣 先是納維德 Brought your A-game with NAVEED,
現在又是我 你可以先通知我 but with me, you're just phoning it in a little bit.
又來喜劇那套 喜劇 Again with the comedy, the comedy.
一切都是關於喜劇 嚴肅點行不行 All the time with the comedy. Be serious sometimes.
我很嚴肅的 我想你表演好一點 I am serious. I want to help you get better.
你會讓我坐在前排的位子嗎？ So, are you ever gonna let me sit in the front seat?
不 我是職業司機 No, I'm a professional,
你要付這趟錢 and you're paying for this ride.
我不想付這趟車的錢 I don't want to pay for this ride.
太顛簸了 It's surging right now.
抱歉 Yeah. Sorry.
你不應該輸人號碼的 You shouldn't have typed in the number.
好的 1969年的 Okay, the year is 1969.
米高梅經歷一連串的失敗 MGM has had a string of failures,
所以成就了最賣座的明星 文森特·普萊斯 so it turns to its most bankable star, Vincent Price.
這是你的兼容性測試嗎？ Is this your compatibility test?
就像有些人愛好馮內古特或了不起的勒布斯基？ Like the way some people are with Vonnegut or Big Lebowski?
不 只是看電影 認真點 No, just watch the movie and take it seriously
- 因為這很嚴肅 - 我會喜歡的 - because it's very serious. - I'm gonna love it.
我喜歡男人測試我的品珠 I love it when men test me on my taste.
我只想和你分享這部電影 I just want to share this movie with you,
所以我不知道你為什麼要解讀 so I don't know why you're reading into
多少次 這部電影你給多少女人看過？ How many women have you showed this movie to?
零 Zero.
有多少女人 在第三次約會時會看B級 How many women have you shown a "B" horror movie to
恐怖電影？ on, like, a third date?
這不是B級恐怖片 This is not a "B" horror movie.
好吧 準備好了嗎？ Okay, are you ready?
閉上眼睛 DVD菜單出現時 Just close your eyes 'cause when the menu comes on,
那上面有劇透 there's some spoilers in the menu.
- 好嗎 - 我準備好了 - Okay? - I'm ready, I'm ready.
好吧 我按播放 Okay, I'll hit play.
好的 來了 Okay, go.
看 Watch.
- 我在看著呢 - 噓 - I'm watching. - Shh.
看這部分 Watch this part.
- 不 - 什麼？ - No. - What?
如果你累了 可以晚點再看 If you're tired, we can watch it later.
抱歉 奇怪現象 比如 Sorry. Just have that weird, like,
會打哈欠 yawning thing that happens
當你看非常無聊的電影時 when you're watching a really boring film.
這不無聊 要沉浸 It's not boring. Just wait for it to kick in.
- 劇情很快就開始了 - 好吧 - The plot kicks in really soon. - Okay.
你的損失 九乘以九 Your loss. Nine times nine.
九殺了你 Nine killed you.
很有趣 That was fun.
謝謝你送我回家 但我們不能再這樣了 Uh, thanks for the ride home, but we got to stop doing this.
- 是的 - 我以前說過 - Yeah. - I know I've said that before,
但我是認真的 but I really do mean it.
我現在不能這麼做 I can't be doing this right now.
我知道 完全的 100% I know, I know. Totally. 100 percent.
我同意你的看法 I agree with you.
- 別再給我打電話了 - 我不會的 - So, don't call me again. - I won't.
我保證 I promise.
祝你今後努力好運 Good luck on all your future endeavors.
謝謝 Oh, yeah, thank you.
嘿 我們永遠分開之前 Hey, can we have an awkward hug
能尷尬的擁抱嗎？ before we part forever?
- 好吧 - 好吧 - Okay. - Okay.
嗯 Uh
- 再見 - 再見 - Bye. - Bye.
你答應過再也不打電話給我 所以 Uh, you just promised never to call me again, so
外面真冷 It's really cold out here.
太冷了 It's so cold.
你說得很有道理 You make a pretty good point.
這裏暖和多了 It is a lot warmer in here.
這裏比較暖和 It is warmer in here.
其實樓上更不錯 You know, it's really nice upstairs.
是嗎？ Is it?
喔 喔 Whoa Whoa!
你在做什麼？好了 What are you doing? Okay.
讓自己舒服一點 Just trying to get comfy.
讓我看看 那是誰？ Oh, let me see. Who could that be?
我想知道是誰 Oh, I wonder who that could be.
叔叔 Uncle.
讓我看看是誰 Oh, let me see who is that.
艾米麗 庫米爾有沒有告訴過你 Emily, so has Kumail told you
除了做接單優步 that in addition to being an Uber driver,
他還有演獨角戲？ he also has a one-man show?
不 他沒有告訴我 No, he did not tell me that.
- 真的嗎？ - 真的沒什麼 - Do you really? - Oh, it's really nothing.
這只是我不務正業 It's just something I'm fiddling around with.
獨角戲與脫口秀 How is a one-man show different from stand-up?
- 有什麼不同？ - 其買沒有 - It's really not. - I guess it's because
我想是因為有很多 假髮和服裝的變化 there's lots of, like, wigs and costume changes.
裏面有很多的表演 And there's a lot of acting in it.
然後說到底 Mmm. And then, like, at the end of it,
尷尬的總結為 you've got this very awkward conversation where you go,
「我真的很喜歡」 "I really liked it."
但我覺得你是真的喜歡 But I thought you really liked it.
我真的很喜歡 I really liked it.
- 我等不及要看這個節目了 - 是的 - I can't wait to see this show. - Oh, yeah.
是的 你永遠不會看到那個秀的 因為 Okay, you will never see the show because it's
- 你必須去看看 - 你必須的 - Oh, you have to see it. - You have to.
- 還沒準備好 這不是 - 你一定要 - It's not ready. It's not - You have to
- 你會喜歡演戲的 - 你必須去看 - You will love the acting. - You have to see it.
他們在耍你 不是這樣的 They're fucking with you. It's not really like this.
他們在耍我還是你？ They're fucking with me or with you?
這其實很有意義。 It's actually very significant.
好像他們在耍你 It seems like they're fucking with you.
我12歲了 這裏是 I'm 12 years old, and this
這是家 This is home.
感覺就像我從未離開過 Feels like I never left.
你聞到了嗎？ Do you smell that?
那是我媽媽在煮咖喱番茄燉羊肉 That's my mom cooking the murgh rogan josh.
- 他媽的 - 你聽到了嗎？ - Fuck. - Do you hear that?
那是我爸爸在電視上看板球 That's my father watching cricket on the telly.
你感覺到了嗎？ Do you feel that?
這是巴基斯坦歷史的重點 That's the weight of Pakistan's history.
巴基斯坦是在1947年8月14日 Pakistan was formed when it separated
與它最大的競爭對手印度分離後成立的 from its biggest rival, India, on August 14th, 1947.
6分擊球跑動 Six runs.
外野手 短背前內野 Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket.
背前內野 深背前內野 Mid-wicket. Deep mid-wicket.
右外野手 遠右野手 遠左野手 投球手 左外野手 Mid on. Long on. Long off. Bowler. Mid off.
外曲線球是 A googly is when a
演出一結束我就得離開 I have to leave as soon as the show's over.
- 我不能留下 - 好的 - I can't stay. Okay. - Okay.
所以 如果你看到外野手 So, if you get a silly mid-on fielder,
你知道很快就會有腳前球 you know you're getting a yorker soon.
回顧一下 巴基斯坦最大的出口 So, to review, Pakistan's biggest exports
- 是棉花和 - 混凝土 - are cotton and - Concrete.
- 殺了我吧 - 沒錯 - Kill me. - That's right.
開齋節 那是我們的聖誕節 Eid Mubarak. That's our Christmas.
取代傳統的聖誕火腿 Except instead of the traditional Christmas ham,
我們食用米泰（印度人春節吃的甜食） we serve mithai,
我的「胡薩米」克裏斯 現在會為你提供服務 which my khansamah, Chris, will serve to you right now.
胡薩米是烏爾都語 意為僕人 Khansamah is Urdu for "servant."
如果你想在家做 If you want to make it at home,
主要成份是煉乳 the main ingredients are condensed milk,
糖和愛 sugar, and love.
起碼我媽媽的食譜是這樣的 At least, that was my mom's recipe.
看起來像馬來西亞的兒童玩具 Hey, you look like a children's toy from Malaysia.
現在請你們起立 Now would you all please rise
巴基斯坦國歌？ for the Pakistani national anthem?
保佑神聖的土地 Pak sarzamin shad bad
物產豐富 Kishwar-i hasin shad bad
嘿 Hey.
嘿 你覺得怎麼樣？ Hey. So, what'd you think?
- 嗯 我覺得很棒 - 是嗎？ - Um, I thought it was great. - Yeah?
我從來不知道巴基斯坦 I never knew that Pakistan
擁有世界上最大的灌溉系統 had the world's largest irrigation system.
嗯 大約有1400萬公頃的土地 Yeah, something like 14 million hectares
正在灌溉 are being irrigated.
我說到那句的時候 我就像 Like, as soon as I read that, I was like,
對了 那就是表演嘛 "Oh, that's going in the show."
- 正解 - 嘿 艾米麗 - Totally. - Hi, Emily.
- 嘿 - 嘿 夥計們 - Hey. - Hi, guys.
嘿 夥計 那是 你處於巔峰狀態 夥計 Hey. Dude, that was You were in the zone, man.
那是我們見過的最好的 That was That was the best one we've seen.
是的 那麼的誠買和美好 Yeah, that was so honest and good.
你知道我中途意識到什麼嗎？ And you know what I realized halfway through?
- 你是巴基斯坦人 - 沒錯 - You're from Pakistan. - Yes.
- 很高興見到你 艾米麗 - 好了 再見 夥計們 - Cool, good to see you, Emily. - Yes. Okay, bye, guys.
- 好極了 再見 夥計們 - 保持 - Great. Bye, guys. - Keep up the
- 他們似乎挺喜歡 - 他們真好 - They seemed to like it. - They're so nice.
所以 你覺得呢？ 就像循序工作 So, really, what'd you think? Like, it's a work in progress.
我真的很喜歡 我更瞭解巴基斯坦了 I really liked it. I learned a lot about Pakistan
還有板球知識 佔位等等 and cricket, all those positions.
但我希望能更多地瞭解你 But I just wish that I had learned more about you.
- 這樣合理嗎？ - 嗯 - Does that make any sense? - Yeah.
- 嘿 - 哦 嗨 - Hey. - Oh, hi.
現在是凌晨3:00 It's 3:00 a.m.
街角的餐館開著嗎？ Is that, uh, diner around the corner open?
24小時的 It's 24 hours.
幹嘛 你想吃老式檸檬酥皮餡餅？ Why, you want an old lemon meringue pie?
你真有趣 You're so funny.
不 事實上 我真的需要 No, actually, um, I just, I really need to, um,
去喝杯咖啡 get a cup of coffee.
我可以給你煮咖啡 I can make you coffee.
我喜歡快餐咖啡 那種燒焦的味道 I love diner coffee. I just love that burnt taste.
好吧 我跟你一起去 All right, I'll come with you.
不 不 不 你幹嘛？ No, no, no, no, no. No, why would you do that?
這裏治安不好 It's a bad neighborhood.
我不會讓你自己去的 I'm not gonna let you go on your own.
- 為什麼？因為我是女人？ - 是的 - Why? 'Cause I'm a woman? - Okay.
說真的 這是我聽過的 Seriously, that's the most misogynous thing
最「厭女」的事 I've ever heard.
- 你為什麼這麼古怪 - 去你的 - Why are you being so weird? - Fuck you.
- 我不是怪人 - 你現在很古怪 - - I'm not being weird. - You're being so weird.
你太古怪了 你真是太古怪了 You're being weird. You're being so weird.
我怎麼就古怪了？ 睡覺的時候 How am I weird? I want to sleep
- 我想睡覺 - 這是正常的 - while it's sleep time. - This is normal.
女孩們半夜去喝咖啡 Girls go to get coffee in the middle of the night.
你以前沒交過女朋友嗎？ Have you never had a girlfriend before?
- 就這樣的 - 你沒事吧？ - This is what it's like. - Are you okay?
一切都不是 一切都不好 Everything is not okay. Everything is not good.
嘿 嘿 嘿 你可以告訴我任何事 Hey, hey, hey. You could tell me anything,
你知道的吧？ you know that, right?
你可以告訴我任何事 You could tell me anything.
我要去大便 好嗎？ I have to take a shit, okay?
我得造個大蛋糕 I have to take a huge, fucking dookie.
我不能在你的洗手間造蛋糕 I can't poo in your bathroom
因為你沒有火柴 because you don't have any matches,
你沒有空氣清新劑 and you don't have any air freshener.
什麼樣的人 浴室裏沒有火柴 What kind of person doesn't have any matches
也沒有空氣清新劑？ or air freshener in the bathroom?
牆很薄 克裏斯就在外面 The walls are so thin, and Chris is right out there.
別笑了 求你了 求你了 Please, stop laughing. Please, please, please.
好吧 我有個主意 Okay. I have an idea.
嘿 你好嗎？ Hey. How are you?
我不想談這事 I do not want to talk about it.
注意學習 巴依 Watch and learn, Bhai.
全都是為了轉移重量和扭矩 It's all about shifting the weight and the torque.
天啊 Oh, Christ.
好的 Oh. Okay.
嘿 你就像巴基斯坦的塞米·索薩（棒球明星） Hey, you're like a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.
好了 親愛的 就是這樣 There you go, honey. Yeah. That's it.
他很不錯 想幹啥幹啥 He's pretty good. Just do what he's doing.
好吧 很好 Okay, great.
我的 Mine.
來吧 夥計 讓我 Come on, man, just let me
我的 我的 謝謝 Mine. Mine, mine, mine, thank you.
- 為什麼你要這樣？ - 你繼續 不 - Why do you get the Chana? - You go on that No.
嗯 Mmm.
這餅乾真好吃 This cookie's really good.
只是餅乾 聽你說些什麼 They're biscuits. Listen to yourself.
你聽起來不像巴基斯坦人 You hardly sound Pakistani.
餅乾 "Cookies."
聽起來像朱麗婭·路易斯·德萊弗斯（世界頂級美麗富豪女第三名） Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
好一個漢堡包 Such a burger.
- 我不是漢堡 - 是的 你是個漢堡 - I'm not a burger. - Yes, you're a burger.
- 我不是漢堡 - 你是個大胖子漢堡 - I'm not a burger. - You're a big, fat burger.
而餅乾實際上是英國術語 And biscuit is actually a British term.
謝謝你提供的信息 Oh, thank you for all the information
我才不在乎呢 I don't give a shit about.
你應該聽媽媽的話留鬍子 And you should listen to Mom and grow a beard.
很癢 我試過了 Gets really itchy. I've tried.
- 零零碎碎的 - 癢嗎？ - It's all patchy. - Oh, is it itchy?
- 我知道我像個嬰兒 - 好吧 試著做男人 - I know I sound like a baby. - Well, try being a man
和我一樣健身 and conditioning like I do.
穆斯林留長鬍子到底是 What's the whole thing with Muslims
怎麼回事？ growing beards, anyway?
這是個武斷的事情 對吧？ It's such an arbitrary thing, right?
是誰決定的啊 我們得留鬍子 Like, who decided that, "Oh, we have to have beards."
但你必須的 我們有10億人 Oh. But you'll do So, there's a billion of us,
你是唯一懂真相的人 and you're the only one with the truth.
是嗎？ Is that right?
所以 太陽現在正照耀著你 So, the sun is just shining down on you right now.
只是離別 It's just parting.
我得告訴你一件事 巴依 You know, I have to tell you something, Bhai.
說吧 Here we go. Yeah.
我一直在和這個女孩約會 I've been dating this girl.
- 她是白人 - 哦 - She's white. - Oh.
我以為你會說 I thought you were gonna say
你肇事逃逸 you were involved in a hit-and-run
或者你被發現偽造支票 or you got caught forging some checks,
但白人女孩？ but a white girl?
我是說這太老套了？ I mean, that's such a cliche.
沒關係 我們討厭恐怖分子 It's okay, and we hate terrorists.
- 只是 - 抱歉 - It's - Just sorry.
我明白 你是在美國 Listen, I understand. You're in America,
你想多修剪幾個草坪 and you want to mow a few lawns
體驗外國女人是什麼感覺 但 and see what it's like, but
最終 你還是要娶巴基斯坦女孩 Eventually, you have to marry a Pakistani girl.
就像 Like
我傍馬子 Like, I hung out with other girls,
但後來 我娶了法蒂瑪 but then I married Fatima.
頭幾個月 我們說話幾乎 And we hardly spoke two words to each other
不超過兩個宇 但現在 庫米 in the first few months, but now, Kumi,
- 她就像我最好的朋友 - 我知道 - she's like my best friend. - I know.
你必須馬上和她分手 You have to break up with her immediately.
如果我找到和法蒂瑪 If I find someone who's as good for me
一樣好的人 as Fatima is for you,
媽媽會理解的 對嗎？ Mom would understand, right?
我是說她不會少愛我的 I mean, she wouldn't love me less.
她肯定更愛你 Oh, she'd definitely love you less.
慢慢地 會有的 Slowly, it'd sort of
男人不再回女孩的電話的叫什麼來著？ What's the word when guys stop returning girl's calls?
- 鬼影？ - 是的 - Ghosting? - Yes.
你必須現在就結束 否則媽媽會鬼影你 You have to end it now, or Mom will fucking ghost you.
現在 來吧 Now, come on.
擊球 Batting.
很多鮮艷的水果 I am getting, like, a lot of bright fruit.
我想說水果向前衝 I'd say it's very fruit-forward.
嗯 味道像壞了的葡萄汁 Mmm-hmm. It tastes like grape juice that's gone bad.
- 就像 - 嗯 - Like - Yeah.
你怎麼這麼瞭解酒？ Why do you know so much about wine?
因為 Um, because,
呃 uh
我第一次婚姻很不開心 I was pretty unhappy in my first marriage,
我喝了很多 and I drank a lot,
有一種方法可以避免喝很多酒 and, uh, one way to cover drinking a lot is to just,
比如瞭解酒類知識 like, know a lot about wine.
等等 對不起 你剛才說什麼？ Wait. I'm sorry. What did you just say?
瞭解酒類知識 That knowing a lot about wine covers for drinking a lot.
不 我是說之前那條 Uh, no, I mean the huge piece of information
你想搪塞的那條 that you're trying to just blow right past.
是的 沒錯 我結過婚 Yeah. Yeah, I was married.
- 你結過婚？ - 嗯 結過 - You were married? - Um I was.
我結過婚 I was married.
你想談點別的還是 ？ Do you want to talk about something else or
因為我沒別的問題 Yeah, 'cause I don't really have any questions.
- 不 - 除了 - No. - Other than
你什麼時候結婚的？ 你什麼時候離婚的？ When did you get married? When did you get divorced?
他叫什麼名字？他有多高？ What's his name? How tall is he?
你愛他嗎？ Did you love him?
我想我有幾個問題 I guess I have a couple questions.
嗯哼 Uh-huh.
他叫 萊恩 Um, his name was is Ryan.
大學裏認識的 We met in college.
我認識的每個人 結婚時都很年輕 Everyone I knew was getting married super young,
我們也是 有天我去一家餐館 so we did, and, um, one day I was at a restaurant,
我看到一對夫妻在親熱 and I saw this couple making out.
我想 And I thought,
「嗯 我不認為我丈夫會喜歡這樣」 "Huh. I don't think about my husband like that.
「但 沒關係」 "But that's okay."
然後我大腦的另一部分就像 And then another part of my brain was like,
「不 這是不好的」 「這是你的生活」 "No, that's not okay. This is your life."
我覺得這嚇到你了 I feel like this is freaking you out.
- 嚇壞你了嗎？ - 沒有嚇到我 - Is this freaking you out? - It's not freaking me out.
我不想給你施加壓力 I don't want to put pressure on you.
我知道只過了幾個月 And I know it's only been a few months,
但我只是想告訴你 我 but I just wanted to tell you, I
被你淹沒了 am overwhelmed by you.
這是我曾期待的 最後一件事 It's the last thing I was expecting.
這也是我曾期待的 最後一件事 This is also the last thing I was expecting.
我也感到完全被你淹沒了 And I also feel completely overwhelmed by you.
- 說這話 真奇怪 - 為什麼？ - That's a weird thing to say. - Why?
我只是重複你的話 I just said what you said, exactly what you said.
對 我說的時候並不奇怪 Yeah, it wasn't weird when I said it.
- 不 - 沒關係 - No - It's okay.
聽著 我爸媽 So, listen, my parents are going
- 這個週末要進城 - 大好了 - to be in town this weekend. - Oh, that's great.
你是否願意來和他們一起吃午飯？ Will you maybe want to come and meet them for lunch?
我們不能 因為兩天的規矩 對吧？ Oh, we can't 'cause of the two-day rule, right?
星期五晚上你來參加瑪麗的派對嗎？ Well, you'll come to Mary's party Friday night, right?
然後我們可能會過夜 And then we'll probably spend the night,
不然我星期一才能看到你 所以 so I won't be able to see you till Monday, so
是的 我很想見見你的父母 Okay. Well, I would love to meet your parents.
他們住在城裏 對嗎？ They live in the city, right?
他們住在郊區 Well, they live in the suburbs,
所以 呃 你知道 and, uh, you know,
我真的不常見他們 I don't really see them very much.
他們問起我了嗎？ Have they asked about me?
- 他們怎麼想？- 哦 嗯 - What do they think? - Oh, um
他們 他們想見我嗎？ Do they Do they want to meet me?
我父母想見你 My parents want to meet you.
當然了 他們很想見你 Of course, of course. They're dying to meet you.
- 上帝 - 你沒事吧？ - Ow. Oh, my God. - Whoa, you okay?
- 沒事 - 發生什麼事了？ - Yep. - What happened?
- 你 - 完全沒事 - Do you - Totally fine.
你需要 Do you need
不 我只是扭傷腳踝 No, I think I just tweaked my ankle.
援助？ assistance?
上週末我參加嘻哈舞蹈課 I took this stupid hip-hop dance class last weekend.
你應該去看看 你要冰塊嗎？ You should get it looked at. Do you want ice?
- 我什麼都不需要 - 我去拿袋冰塊 - I don't need anything. - I can get you a bag of ice.
我可以走 我沒事 Look, I'm walking on it. I'm totally fine.
- 我可以帶你去 - 庫米爾 說真的 別說了 - I can carry you. - Kumail, seriously, stop.
今天還有時間 I can carry you the rest of the day.
不許再說 Stop.
嘿 我喜歡你的朋友 Hey, I liked your friends.
那個叫克雷格的傢伙？ That Craig guy?
還是格雷格？ Or was it Greg?
我永遠分不清這些名字 You know, I can never tell with those names.
我很高興我喜歡他 因為我不想 I'm glad I like him 'cause I don't want have to, like,
找借口避開他 你知道媽？ come up with excuses to avoid him, you know?
比如 「不 我今晚要衝浪」 Like Like, "Oh, no. I have kite-surfing tonight."
英國人念克雷格的發音為 「魁哥」 You know, in the UK, Craig is pronounced Crayg,
這挺好 因為念法就是寫法 對吧？ which is good 'cause that's how it's written, right?
總之 他是個好人 Anyway, he's a great guy.
我正要告訴你那事 I was gonna tell you about that.
你是在選巴基斯坦下一任頂尖模特？ Are you judging Pakistan's Next Top Model or something?
- 不 - 說真的 - No. - Seriously.
- 這些女人是誰？- 好吧 - Who are these women? - Okay, um
你知道巴基斯坦的傳統婚姻嗎？ You know how we have arranged marriage in my culture?
這些女人都是 These are those women.
這些巴基斯坦的婦女 想嫁給你？ These are women in Pakistan who want to marry you?
她們不在巴基斯坦 They're not in Pakistan.
你見過這些女人？ You've met these women?
是我父母搞的事 但我們沒有 Just with my parents and stuff, but we haven't, like
但你不是認真的吧？ But you're not serious about this, are you?
我媽媽的事 我只是順其便 It's my mom's thing. I just go along with it.
那麼 你媽怎麼看待你和我？ So, what does your mom think about you and me then?
她根本不知道我 是嗎？ She doesn't know about me, does she?
對 No.
- 艾米麗 只是 - 操 - Emily, just - Fuck!
他媽的五個月禁閉 Five fucking months of red flags.
天啊 我真笨 Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.
你躲著我的父母 You ducking my parents.
天哪 兩天的規矩 Oh, my God, the two-day rule.
不 和這事無關 No, that had nothing to do with it.
說真的 禁閉復禁閉 Seriously. Red flag after red flag.
你真是個騙子 你騙我 You're such a liar. You lied to me.
你對你父母撒謊了 You lied to your parents.
還有你喜歡的人 And those are just the people you like.
有沒有你不騙的人？ Is there someone that you're not lying to?
我很想見見他們 因為我可以告訴他們 I'd love to meet them because then I could tell them
- 你是個該死的騙子 - 你知道嗎？ - what a fucking liar you are! - You know what?
你直到最近才告訴我你離婚的事 You didn't tell me about your divorce until recently.
你也在隱瞞什麼 So, you were hiding fucking something, too.
我的離婚 並不意味我們未來不可能 My divorce does not mean that our future is impossible.
實際上正好相反 It actually means the direct opposite.
我沒有隱瞞你 好吧？ I'm not hiding anything from you. Okay?
我是一本公開的書 I'm an open fucking book.
你想知道我的雪茄盒裏有什麼嗎？ You want to know what's in my cigar box?
貼紙 Stickers.
貼紙和郵票 Stickers and stamps.
你不是心理醫生嗎？你不該很善於 Aren't you a therapist? Aren't you supposed to be good
- 處理這類 - 我的鞋在哪裏？ - at handling this kind of - Where are my fucking shoes?
你不是善於處理 Aren't you supposed to be, like, able to deal with this
這些問題嗎？ better than you are right now?
我在表達自己 I am expressing myself!
你知道我們怎麼稱呼巴基斯坦包辦婚姻 艾米麗？ You know what we call arranged marriage in Pakistan, Emily?
婚姻 是的？我們稱之為婚姻 Marriage. Okay? We just call it marriage.
還有另一種婚姻 There's another type of marriage.
叫做愛情婚姻 這很糟糕 It's called love marriage, and that's bad.
我的表兄裏恩娶了愛爾蘭女人 My cousin Rehan married an Irish woman,
他被趕出了家門 and he was kicked out of the family.
不許任何人和他說話 Nobody is allowed to talk to him.
你為什麼不告訴我？ Why didn't you tell me any of this?
因為我不認為你會理解 Because I didn't think you'd fucking understand,
我他媽的是對的 and I was fucking right.
你認為我不能看透 You don't think that I could
你的生活 他媽的怎麼了？ fathom your life in any fucking way?
你覺得你能聽懂我的話嗎？ Oh, you think you could understand me?
我在和1400年的古老文化抗爭 I'm fighting a 1,400-year-old culture.
你高中的時候很醜 You were ugly in high school.
有很大的區別 There's a big fucking difference.
對不起 I'm sorry.
我不能失去我的家人 I can't lose my family.
你能想像那個世界 Can you imagine a world in w
我們最終會在一起那個？ In which we end up together?
我不知道 I don't know.
我得走了 I have to go.
別他媽的給我打電話 Don't fucking call me.
雜糧 黑麥 Multigrain, pumpernickel,
皮塔餅 熱狗麵包 麵包 pita bread, hot dog bun, croutons.
我一個都不能吃 I can't eat any of it.
我不想要孩子 I don't want kids.
人們說 「薩姆 你－定會喜歡的」 People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it.
「這孩子 你會有一個孩子」 "This kid You're gonna have a kid,
「他將是你最好的朋友」 "he's gonna be your best friend."
這個最好的朋友 A best friend that
吐滿你全身 到處拉屎 that pukes on you and shits everywhere
一直在尖叫 and is constantly screaming.
我已經有這樣的朋友了 I already have friends like that.
人們說 「薩姆」 People say, "Sam "
我知道你很失望 好吧 但是 就像 I know you're bummed, all right, but, like
艾米麗是個好人 我沒說她不是 Emily's a good person. I'm not saying she's not.
我想說的是 宇宙 All I'm saying is, this is the universe
告訴你 「抓住你的時刻」 telling you, "Seize your moment.
「自私地追求你的事業 "Be a little selfish and pursue your career."
鮑勃·達勒萬 星期四會來 Bob Dalavan's gonna be here on Thursday.
如果你能進入蒙特利爾喜劇節 If you get the Montreal Comedy Festival,
會改變你的－切 it would change things for you.
你不想被困在芝加哥吧？ You don't want to get stuck in Chicago, right?
你不想像薩姆·海史密斯那樣結束 You don't want to end up like Sam Highsmith,
他一直重複 「人們口中的薩姆」 的段子 who's been doing the "People say Sam" bit
自打2003年 since '03.
我不喜歡孩子 I don't like kids.
- 人們說 「薩姆 」 - 懂？ - People say, "Sam " - See?
- 這就是你想要的嗎？- 就像 - Is that what you want? - It's like
這就是你想要的生活？ Is that what you want for your life?
太神奇了 同一個段子 It's amazing. And it's the same material.
- 人們怎麼說？- 薩姆 - What do people say? - Sam.
- 人們怎麼說？- 薩姆 - People say what? - Sam.
我是薩姆·海史密斯 謝謝 I'm Sam Highsmith. Thank you very much.
你知道嗎 我會告訴他的 You know what, I'm gonna tell him
- 他是個黑客 - 我對他的感受 - He's a hack. - how I feel about it.
- 他媽的告訴他 - 不要寫任何新的東西 - Fucking tell him. - Never writes anything new.
- 我要告訴他 - 這是狗屁 - I'm gonna tell him - It's fucking bullshit.
- 太棒了 夥計 - 我感覺到了 震撼 - Great set, dude. - I'm feeling it, bro.
- 殺了我 夥計 - 喜歡新的東西 - Killing me, man. - Crushing. Love the new stuff.
我們應該為自己感到羞恥 We should be ashamed of ourselves.
我們很弱 We're weak. We're weak.
我不會稱之為 「心理暗示」 I wouldn't call it an obsession,
但我很擅長魔術 but I'm pretty good at magic.
對 Yeah.
你能讓他的肚子消失嗎？ Can you make his belly disappear?
- 哦 - 拜託 - Oh. - Come on.
我對我的肚子太滿意了 I'm too happy with my belly.
有人有一美元嗎？ Does anyone have a dollar?
- 我給你 - 好的 - I will give you something. - Okay.
20塊？大款 Twenty? Big spender.
好吧 安德魯·傑克遜 All right. Andrew Jackson.
你認為他 Don't you think he would look cool
戴墨鏡酷嗎？ with a pair of sunglasses?
嗯 我真的 Yeah, I really
- 好吧 嗯 - 好的 - Okay. Mmm. - Okay.
- 好極了 - 是嗎？ - Oh, he's Okay. - Right?
- 好吧 時尚 - 是的 嗯 - Okay, stylish. - Yes. Mmm-hmm.
好的 Okay.
現在 我們灑上魔塵 And now we sprinkle the magic dust on.
就－點點 Just a little bit.
你不能缺少魔塵的 Yeah, you can't do it without the magic dust. Yeah.
必須要 沒有魔塵不行 好吧 No, yeah, I need it. All right.
- 咒語 - 好的 - Abracadabra. - Okay.
- 仔細看 - 嗯 - Watching carefully. - Mmm-hmm.
太棒了 That is amazing.
他戴眼鏡確實好看些 And he does look better with glasses.
- 對嗎？ - 是的 - Right? - He does.
你是怎麼做到的？ How did you do that?
魔術師從不透露秘密 Oh, no, a magician never reveals her tricks.
這是你的20塊 南賈尼先生 Here's your 20 back, Mr. Nanjiani.
這張20美元還能買東西嗎？ Do you think I can use this $20 bill now to buy something?
現在看起來好多了 對吧？ It look better now, right?
我和我朋友在看怪獸電影 I was watching this monster movie with my friend.
他轉向我 他就像 And he turned to me, and he was like,
「這種情況下 你會做什麼？」 "What would you do in that situation?"
我絕不會成為最後一個活著的人 I'm never gonna be one of the last guys alive.
我會是第一個死的人 I'm gonna be the first guy to die.
我死了 所以其他的角色才能 I die so the other characters get to find out
繼續挖掘奇怪的事情 that something weird's going on.
於是 我獨自去找那隻貓 I go off alone to find the cat.
我都沒發現有怪獸 I never even find out that there were monsters.
對我來說 電影的情節就是我們在研究機構內 To me, the plot of the movie was we're at a research facility
那隻貓不見了 and the cat's missing!
劇終 The end.
丹尼斯 這個 Denise, this
你名字的烏爾都語 is your name in Urdu.
哇 太酷了 Wow, that is so cool.
- 庫米爾？ - 嘿 - Kumail? - Hey.
- 嘿 鮑勃·達勒萬 - 我認識你 - Hey, Bob Dalavan. - Yeah. I know you.
你今晚的表演非常有趣 Some very interesting premises in your set tonight.
- 謝謝 - 是的 - Oh, thanks. - Yeah.
我只是想讓你知道 I just wanted you to know. I'm about to take off.
我要走了 但你晉級決賽了 去蒙特利爾 But you made it to the finals for the Montreal showcase.
天哪 謝謝 Oh, my God. Thank you.
- 你也是 瑪麗 - 哦 - You, too, Mary. - Oh!
- 好的 - 好的 - Okay. - Okay.
我們那裏見 So we'll see you guys up there.
- 嗯 - 保持聯繫 - Yeah. - We'll be in touch.
- 那麼 C狗呢？ - 那是誰？ - Well, what about C-Dog? - Who's that?
我 那我呢？ Uh, me. What about me?
你知道嗎？ Oh, you know what?
你挺有趣 好吧？ Funny stuff, okay?
我送你出去 I'll walk you out.
嘿 你想去什麼地方嗎？ Hey, do you want to go somewhere?
是的 我們去別的地方吧 Yeah, let's go somewhere.
你好？ Hello?
庫米爾 我是傑西 Kumail, it's Jessie.
嘿 誰？ Hey. Who?
傑西 我和艾米麗同校 Jessie. I'm in school with Emily.
聽著 艾米麗在醫院 Listen, Emily's in the hospital.
她的感冒很嚴重 She has a really bad flu or something.
什麼？ What?
請你來一趟 好嗎？ Could you just go, please?
我們需要有人陪她 我們明天要考試 We need someone there. We have exams tomorrow,
所以沒人能陪她 so nobody else can go.
她還在急診室 She's still in the ER.
你能不能去和她坐在－起 Could you just go and sit with her,
然後開車送她回家 好嗎？ and then drive her home, please?
我在那裏待了很久 I was there for as long as I could,
但我必須離開 but I had to leave.
你好 我找艾米麗·加德納 Hi. I'm looking for Emily Gardner.
嗯 艾米麗·加德納 她登記過 Um Emily Gardner. She was checked in
嘿 Hey.
你來幹什麼？ What are you doing here?
傑西打電話給我 Um, Jessie called me
想讓我確定你沒事 and wanted me to make sure you were okay.
- 你怎麼樣？- 好的很 - So how are you doing? - Fine.
我完全沒事 好的不要不要的 I'm totally fine. Never been better.
1000％的好 A 1,000% fine.
只是有點暈倒在工作上 Just, like, fainted a little at work.
今天早上沒吃早飯 I didn't have breakfast this morning.
早餐 是每天最重要的一餐 Breakfast, the most important meal of the day.
你知道的 You know that.
加德納小姐 你的房間很快就會好的 好吧？ Ms. Gardner, your room will be ready soon, okay?
不 事實上 我真想回家 Oh, no, no, actually, I would just love to go home
睡自己的床 and sleep in my own bed.
先生 請你出去一會好嗎？ Sir, can you step outside for a moment, please?
如果你想留下 你必須去保安處 If you want to stay, you have to go to the security desk
拿通行證 and get a pass.
好吧 保安處在哪裏？ All right. Where is the security desk?
在樓下 It's downstairs,
的保安處那裏 exactly where you walked in at the security desk.
保安處在保安處 明白了 The security desk is at the security desk. Got it.
我能給你拿點什麼嗎？ Can I get you something?
水？ 果汁？ 咖啡？ Water? Juice? Coffee?
我能和你說幾句話嗎？ May I speak with you for a second?
我馬上回來 I'll be right back.
她的肺部感染嚴重 There's a massive infection in her lungs,
她所有的生命體征指標升高 and all her vitals are elevated.
她有艾滋病嗎？ Does she have HIV?
什麼？不 我的意思是 她 What? No. I mean, she
- 你是她丈夫嗎？- 不 - Are you her husband? - No.
我們得馬上給她插管 Oh, we need to intubate her immediately.
我需要家屬簽字 I need a family member to sign this.
所以 我再問你一遍 你是她丈夫嗎？ So I'm gonna ask you again, are you her husband?
「插管」 是什麼意思？ What does, uh, "intubate" mean?
我們必須給她安裝呼吸機 所以 We have to put her on a respirator, and to do that,
我們得製造醫學昏迷 we need to put her in a medically-induced coma.
- 昏迷？ - 是的 - Coma? - Yes.
讓她穩定下來 以便處理感染 To stabilize her so we can work on the infection.
現在就得做 And it needs to happen right now.
那麼 我最後再問你一次 So, I'm gonna ask you one last time,
你是她丈夫嗎？ are you her husband?
這是怎麼回事？ What's going on?
- 這是怎麼回事？- 你會沒事的 - What's going on? - You're gonna be okay.
- 放鬆 - 你要帶我去哪裏？ - Just relax and - Where are you taking me?
你應該打電話給她的家人 You should call her family.
抱歉 Sorry.
嘿 加德納太太 Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,
我是庫米爾 艾米麗的朋友 this is Kumail, Emily's friend.
抱歉這麼晚打電話給你 Uh, sorry to call you so late.
艾米麗 艾米麗很好 Um, Emily's Emily's fine.
只是需要照顧 她很好 Just want to get that taken care of. She's fine.
她在芝加哥市醫院 Um, she is at City View Hospital in Chicago
醫學昏迷 in a medically-induced coma,
但醫生說 but the doctors say that all
是的 我說了 「昏迷」 Yes, I did say "coma."
嘿 我是庫米爾 Hey. I'm Kumail.
我們知道你 庫米爾 We know who you are, Kumail.
加德納先生和太太 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
醫生們現在想見你 the doctors would like to see you now.
我馬上回來 I'll be right back.
聽著 醫生馬上就到 Uh, listen, the doctor will be here any minute.
她只是有點晚了 She's just running a little late.
不要閱讀喪親室裏任何文宇 Don't read anything into this being the bereavement room.
因為我們唯一只剩這間房了 It's the only room we had available.
- 好的 謝謝 - 好吧 - Okay. Thank you. Okay. - Okay.
- 泰利 泰利 我我 - 這 - Terry, Terry, I I - It's
- 這讓我發瘋了 - 我知道 - It's driving me insane. - Yes, I know, I know,
但這讓我感覺好多了 but it makes me feel better.
我只是 I just
你好 不 請坐 Hello. No. Please sit. Please sit.
我是坎寧安醫生 艾米麗的主治醫生 I'm Dr. Cunningham, Emily's attending.
我會協調所有的醫生 I'll be coordinating all the doctors
精心策劃她的治療方案 and orchestrating her treatment strategy.
所有的醫生？有多少人？ All the doctors? How many are there?
- 五個 - 五個？ - Five. - Five?
這麼多？這正常嗎？ Why so many? I mean, is that is that normal?
是的 這是ICU病人的標準 Yes. It's standard for patients in the ICU.
我們從許多角度來看 我們協商 We come at it from many angles, we confer
我們在評估她 After assessing her,
我們立即安排呼吸插管 we immediately initiated orotracheal intubation.
謝天謝地 目前沒有影響心臟 Thankfully, it hasn't affected her heart at this point.
我們不知道感染的確切性質 We don't know the exact nature of the infection yet,
但我們注射了廣譜抗生素 but we got her on a broad spectrum of antibiotics.
右肺在對抗嚴重感染 battling critical infection
以肋隔隱窩為中心 centering around the costodiaphragmatic recess.
我們的理論是耐甲氧西林 Our theory is methicillin-resistant
對抗金色葡萄球菌 staphylococcus aureus.
「葡萄菌 」 等等 是 「球菌」 嗎？ Staphyl Hold on. That's a "P"?
是的 Yeah.
是 「球菌」 還是 「桿菌」 That's an "F" or a "P-H"?
「桿菌」 不 是金色葡萄球菌 P-H. No. It's staphylococcus
真讓我安心 不是嗎？ That was very reassuring, wasn't it?
顯然昏迷 有好的和壞的 Apparently, there are good and bad comas,
她的那種 and the kind that they put her in,
醫學昏迷 肯定是 the medically-induced coma, are definitely, like,
好的那種昏迷 the good kind of coma.
你知道 碳水化台物也分好壞？ Like You know how there are good and bad carbs?
小精靈 可以分好壞 Gremlins. Those can be good or bad.
聽著 庫米爾 Listen, Kumail Uh
我們來處理 好嗎？ We're gonna handle things from here, okay?
你幫了大忙了 You've been very helpful.
謝謝 簽字 還有 Thank you for For signing the thing, and
嗯 我很樂意 Yeah, my pleasure.
但是 嗯 你現在可以走了 But, uh, you can go now.
- 是的 嗯 - 好嗎 - Okay. Um - All right?
好吧 All right.
中東和平 Peace in the Mideast.
這個呢？ What about this?
我看見一隻嗅探犬在機場 I saw a sniffer dog at the airport.
他有個錯誤 He had a boner.
那是指毒品還是炸彈？ Does that mean drugs or bombs?
很好 如果 That's good. What if
不用機場 What if instead of it being at the airport,
而是你退出喜劇 永遠不再從事喜劇？ you quit comedy and never do comedy ever again?
是的 Yeah.
操 這是個很好的段子 Fuck you! It's a good bit.
為了公眾考慮 That's a funny bit.
他們不會再 Just for the sake of the public that they wouldn't have
看你的臉或聽到你的話 那是 to look at your face or hear your words. That's
我不去也沒關係吧？ Hey, it's okay that I'm not there, right?
貌似我並不需要去那裏 對嗎？ Like I don't need to be there, right?
怎麼了？發生了什麼事？ What's up? What happened?
他讓他的女朋友昏迷不醒 He put his girlfriend in a coma.
- 是的 - 是的 - Yeah. - Yeah.
- 你知道 你的方式 - 她不是我女朋友 - You know, the way you do. - She's not my girlfriend.
不是他女友 但他簽字了 He didn't, but he signed
允許醫生把 a paper that allowed doctors to put
他只是建議 He suggested it.
她會沒事的 She's gonna be fine.
她會沒事的 他們說會好的 She's gonna be fine. They said she's gonna be fine, so
他們會沒事的 醫療的事醫生懂 They're gonna be fine. Doctors know medical stuff.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
醫生的天職 他們很擅長醫學 That's what doctors do. They're good at medical stuff.
這是醫學昏迷 This is a medically-induced coma.
他們的專長 This is their specialty.
也許 Maybe.
這可能是一件好事 You know, it might be a good thing.
她醒來時 可能學會新的技能 Like, she might wake up with a new skill.
就像我的表弟 曾經死過去 Like, my cousin, uh, blacked out once, and then,
他醒來後 學會了另一種語言 when he came to, he thought he knew a different language.
- 是嗎？ - 沒有 顯然 這是 - Did he? - No. Apparently, it was
他的胡言亂語 It was just gibberish that he made up.
是腦損傷 It was brain damage.
我又想到了墨西哥塔可鐘的段子 I got another Taco Bell one.
你忘了什麼嗎？ Did you forget somethin'?
- 她醒了嗎？ - 不 她沒有 - Is she up yet? - No, she's not.
他們不會告訴我們任何事 And, uh, they won't tell us anything.
我們整個上午都在這裏 We've been here all morning.
我知道你們說不需要我留下來 I know you guys said that you don't need me to stay,
但我想等等 but I think I'm just gonna wait anyway.
你們分手了 You guys broke up.
我不知道你為什麼在這裏 I'm not sure why you're here.
你不用擔心 You don't have to worry
任何承諾 庫米爾 about being committed to anything, Kumail.
她醒著的時候 你沒有承諾 You didn't want to when she was awake.
沒必要在她昏迷的時候做 There's no need to do it when she's unconscious.
情況比較複雜 It's more complicated than that.
是嗎？ 因為我知道兩天的規矩 Is it? 'Cause I know about the two-day rule.
我知道照片盒的秘密 I know about the head shots and the secrets.
她告訴我們一切 She tells us everything.
你真的不必留下 庫米爾 You really don't have to stay, Kumail.
你已經做了很多 You have already done a lot.
我只想呆一會兒 I'm just gonna stay for a second.
這個位子 好的 Is this seat Okay.
那位女士還在看著我嗎？ Is Is that lady still looking at me?
哦 嘿 Oh. Hey.
奎瓦斯先生 請到托斯卡多醫生處 Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado.
嘿 Yeah.
來吧 沒有理由 Yeah, come on. There's no reason, uh
你一個人吃飯 對吧 親愛的？ Should eat there by yourself, right, hon?
這是自由國家 It's a free country.
你的三明治怎麼樣？ How's your sandwich?
我吃過最棒的三明治 Best fuckin' sandwich I ever had.
我的很好 Mine's good.
吃金槍魚總像賭博 但是 Tuna's always a gamble, but,
你知道 我沒在水邊 you know, we're not by the water.
好吧 我們是在水邊 但這裏是湖泊 Well, we are by the water. But it's a lake.
湖裏沒有金槍魚 There's no tuna in the lake.
無論如何 我擲骰子了 Whatever. I I threw the dice.
我得到了七 我猜 I got the sevens, I guess.
再好的骰子號碼都無所謂 Whatever Whatever the good dice number is.
所以 So, uh
911事件 9/11.
不 我是說 No, I mean
我一直想談談 I've always wanted to have a conversation with
這個話題 About it.
與別人 With people.
你從沒和人談過911事件？ You've never talked to people about 9/11?
沒有 你的 你的立場是什麼？ No, what's your What's your stance?
我的911立場是什麼？ What's my stance on 9/11?
呃 Oh, um
反對者 Anti.
這是個悲劇 It was a tragedy.
我的意思是我們失去了19個最好的人（指的是死掉19個劫機歹徒） I mean, we lost 19 of our best guys.
嗯？ Huh?
那是個玩笑 顯然 That was a joke. Obviously.
911是個可怕的悲劇 9/11 was a terrible tragedy,
開玩笑 不好笑的 and it's not funny to joke about it.
加德納先生和太太 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
請到ICU報到 please report to the ICU.
加德納先生和太太 Mr. and Mrs. Gardner
- 好吧 快走 - 請到ICU 謝謝 - All right. Come on. - To the ICU. Thank you.
嘿 我能來嗎？ Hey, can I come?
- 不 - 可以 - No. - Yeah.
可以 Yeah.
隨便 Whatever.
你好 進來 Hello, come in.
請坐 Please, have a seat.
我知道這不是你希望的消息 I know this isn't the news you were hoping for,
但我們還沒打算把艾米麗從昏迷中弄醒 but we aren't ready to bring Emily out of the coma yet.
哦 Oh.
為什麼？發生什麼事了？ Why? Uh, what happened?
抗生素不是我們希望的那樣 The antibiotics aren't doing what we'd hoped they would,
我們不想亂搞 and we don't want to mess around,
明天早上我們要做手術 so tomorrow morning, we're gonna perform surgery
以消除感染 to remove the infection.
等一下 Oh, wait one second.
斯派曼醫生說抗生素會起作用 Dr. Spellman told us that the antibiotics would work.
是的 Yeah.
我的意思是 他沒有提起任何手術 I mean, he didn't say anything at all about surgery.
那什麼意思？手術？什麼樣的手術？ So what does that mean? Surgery? What kind of surgery?
胸腔穿刺術 常見手術 It's called thoracentesis. It's a very common procedure.
我們要在肋骨之間切除感染 We're gonna go in between the ribs and remove the infection.
請問怎麼拼寫的？ 那是什麼？ How do you spell that, please? And what is it?
怎麼寫？最後一部分是什麼？ What's the name? What's the last part?
- 這是什麼？ - 我們要切除它 - Thora - And the infection is is
- 在肺上 - 「胸腔」 「胸腔」 什麼？ - On the lung. - "Thora" what? "Thora" what?
- 我們要把它切除 - 那是什麼？ - And we're going to remove it. - What is it?
胸腔穿刺術C E N E S Thoracentesis. C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.
- 有什麼風險？ - 常規手術 - And what's the risk? - It's a common thing
- 他們做的？ - 風險低 - that they do? - Low. Yes.
我的忠告是 My advice to you
回家 吃東西 is that you go home, you get something to eat,
試著放鬆 and try to relax.
她把燈開著 嗯？ She left the lights on, huh?
我最喜歡的毛衣 My favorite sweater.
- 我要做些調查 - 哦 嘿 - I'm gonna do some research. - Oh, hey.
那是我給她的書 That's the book I gave her.
不 我給她的 No, I gave her that one.
你的小本子呢 醫生的那本？ Hey, do you have that little notebook from the doctor's?
- 這是我給她的那本書 - 嗯 - This is the book I gave her. - Uh
我馬上把艾米麗的房間收拾乾淨 I'm just gonna clean up Emily's room real quick.
不 我記得 No, I I remember.
我在炸豆丸子地方見過她 I met her at the Falafel place,
然後我們去了那家書店 and then we went to that bookstore
幾乎沒有打開過 我買給她的 that's hardly ever open, and I bought it for her.
你不是唯一給她東西的人 You're not the only one who gives her things.
你怎麼了？ What's up with you?
我只是厭倦了 你認為 I'm just tired of you thinking
只有你給過她東西 you're the only one who gives her things.
我把那本書給她了 I gave her that book.
- 看看題詞 - 不 那太蠢了 - Look at the inscription. - No. No, that's stupid.
- 嘿 庫米爾 - 嗨 - Hey, uh, Kumail. - Hey.
哦 嘿 抱歉 Oh. Hey. Sorry.
不是想給你驚喜 Didn't mean to surprise you.
我只是想知道 我們可以隨意嗎？ I was just wondering, are we gonna do anything?
- 你有什麼客廳遊戲嗎？ - 我沒有 - You got any parlor games? - I I don't
什麼是客廳遊戲？ What are parlor games?
紙牌遊戲 文字遊戲 Card games. Word games.
玩字遊戲嗎？ Play any word games?
- 不 我從來沒有 - 你玩過 - Um, no, I've never - You ever play
- 你不會押韻嗎？ - 怎麼玩？ - You Can't Rhyme It? - How does that go?
嗯 基本上 It's Eh, basically, you know,
你找一個詞 真正的詞 you try to find out a word, a real word,
- 沒人能押韻 - 好的 - that nobody can rhyme. - Okay.
- 然後 - 巨石陣 - And then - Stonehenge.
看 你會贏的 Yeah, see, you would win.
- 啊 嗯 - 那算你贏 - Ah. Hmm. - Yeah. That'd be a winner.
我不玩棋盤遊戲 我玩 I don't play board games. I play, like
- 我玩電子遊戲 - 這就是問題 - I play video games. - That's the thing.
現在每個人都需要 比如任天堂 Everybody now needs, like, you know, a Nintendo.
遊戲玩意 電子的1000美元 A game thing. The thing. Electronics. $1,000.
我小時候 一塊粉筆 一條人行道 When I was a kid, piece of chalk and a pavement,
這就是你的娛樂 and that's your entertainment.
跳房子 井字遊戲 Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.
把粉筆扔向吉米 Throw the chalk at Jimmy.
你看 三場比賽就有了 There you go. Three games right there.
吉米是真人？ Jimmy was a real guy?
是啊 我沒有特指吉米 Yeah, well, I mean, there was no particular Jimmy.
不管誰被粉筆擊中 You know, whoever got hit with the chalk,
他是吉米 he was the Jimmy.
呃 Uh
我只是想 找點事做 I'm just trying to figure out, you know, what to do.
是的 今晚我有事 Yeah. I Tonight's no good for me.
我很樂意 但是 I'd love to, but, um
其實我 我今晚真的很雞搔 I'm actually, uh I'm actually gigging tonight,
這是我們的行業詞彙 which is, like, an industry word we use
比如我們有表演之類的 for when we do, like, shows and stuff, so
- 真的？ - 是的 - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
大型蒙特利爾喜劇音樂節海選即將到來 There's a big Montreal Comedy Festival audition coming up,
我真的是今晚的領銜 所以 and, um I'm actually headlining tonight, so, yeah.
哦 喔 嘿 Oh, wow. Hey.
我應該走了 I should I should Run on out.
哇 太酷了 我沒去過喜劇俱樂部 Wow, that's cool. I haven't been to a comedy club since
從1980年以後 Oh, boy. Since the '80s, right?
麗塔·拉德娜 在卡羅琳家 Rita Rudner over at Caroline's.
- 記得嗎 親愛的？ - 上帝 我 - Remember that, hon? - Christ. I
胸腔積液 膿胸 A pleural effusion of the empyema.
也許我們該去 嗯？ Maybe we should go, huh?
也許我們該去看庫米爾的秀 怎麼樣？ Maybe we should go to Kumail's show. What do you think?
- 那不是很有趣嗎？ - 天啊 - Wouldn't that be fun? - Oh, my God!
- 這些照片太恐怖了 - 好了 聽著 - These pictures are horrible. - Okay, listen.
我們為什麼不和他去喜劇俱樂部呢？ Why don't we go to the comedy club with him?
會讓我們暫時忘卻現在的事情 And this It'll take our mind off of things right now.
我不想忘卻什麼 泰瑞 I don't want to take my mind off it, Terry.
我們的女兒明天要做手術 Our daughter's having surgery tomorrow.
拜託 Please.
- 這是公平角度 - 請聽我說 - That's a fair point. - Please, please listen.
我需要分心 I need the distraction.
- 那你為什麼不去呢 - 不 - Well, then why don't you go? - No.
我要你和我一起去 I want you to come with me.
我不想一個人去 I don't want to go alone.
好 但我要帶上我的iPad Okay. But I'm bringing my iPad.
啊 票賣完了 Ah, it's sold out.
我應該早說 I should have said it
在你們整個討論之前 before you guys had the whole discussion.
很快就賣完了 It sold out, like, super quickly.
他們對賣得多快感到震驚 They were shocked at how quickly it sold out.
- 比如 - 你可以帶我們進去 - Like - Well, you can get us in.
你是頭牌吧？你說過 You're the headliner, right? That's what you said.
如果你是頭牌 I mean, if you're the headliner,
多兩人沒問題吧？ you can get two more in, right?
- 不錯的主意 - 嗯 - That's a good point. - Yeah.
我們坐後面 好嗎？我們坐在後面 We'll sit in the back, right? We'll sit in the back.
那裏有賣食物嗎？ They got food there?
他們有華夫炸薯條 Yeah, they've got waffle fries and, um
嗯 Yeah.
醫院也有華夫餅薯條 The hospital had the waffle fries, too.
對 Right.
我 實際上我從未去過巴基斯坦 I I actually have never been to Pakistan.
我父母搬來這裏讀研究生 My parents moved here for grad school,
然後他們就呆在這裏 and then they just stayed here.
我從沒去過加拿大 I've never even been to Canada.
庫米爾什麼時候來？ So, um, when is Kumail coming?
他正趕來 對吧 納維德？ He's coming. Right, NAVEED?
- 啊 是的 - 交通問題 - Ah. Huh. - Traffic.
我聽說交通堵到天 I heard there's, uh, bumper-to-bumper traffic
在丹瑞安高速公路 on the Dan Ryan Expressway.
- 這很奇怪 因為 - 你知道高峰時間 - That's weird, because - You know, rush hour.
我是從丹瑞安高速公路來的 I took the Dan Ryan Expressway here.
你爸爸的姐姐 What is your dad's sister's
最愛的舞蹈的音樂是什麼？ favorite kind of music to dance to?
- 艾米麗的父母來了 - 阿姨 阿姨 阿姨 阿姨（嘻哈音樂） - Emily's parents are here. - Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.
- 今晚？為什麼？- 懂嗎 「阿姨」 - Tonight? Why? - Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."
此乃 「阿姨」 It's "aunts." It's "aunts."
好吧 算了 All right, forget it. All right.
這兒有人從城外來的嗎？ Uh, is anybody here from out of town?
好吧 有幾個 All right, a few, a few.
你叫什麼名字 先生？ What's your name, sir?
我 泰利 Uh, Terry.
泰利 你旁邊的這位可愛的女士是誰？ Terry. And, uh, who's this lovely lady next to you?
天哪 那是艾米麗的爸爸 Oh, my God. That's Emily's dad.
那是熊嗎？小泰迪熊？ Is that cloth? Little terry cloth?
是貝絲 It's Beth.
貝絲 差不多嘛 Beth. That's pretty close.
他為什麼要這麼做？ Why would he do this?
泰利 貝絲 你們從哪裏來？ Terry, Beth, where you guys from?
- 北卡羅來納州 - 哦 - We're from North Carolina. - Ooh.
北卡羅萊納州 焦油腳人 North Carolina. Tar Heel state.
- 別說了 - 哦 - Stop. Stop it. - Oh.
甜甜圈的家 焦油腳人 什麼風把你吹來芝加哥？（焦油腳人 美國北卡羅來納州人的綽號） Home of Krispy Kreme donuts. What brings you to Chicago?
我們的女兒昏迷了 Our daughter's in a coma.
嗯 那麼 你是哪裏人？ Yeah, uh, how What, uh Where are you from?
好了 很晚了 Okay, it's getting late.
- 我該走了 - 不 - I should go. - No, no, no.
- 貝托 他會來的 - 等等 - Betho, betho. He will be here. - Hold on, hold on.
我應該給他打電話 我這就打 I think I should call him up. I'll just call him up.
你好？庫-比？ Hello? Kum-beta?
你什麼意思 誰在打電話？ What do you mean, who's calling?
你父親 This is your father.
好的 好的 Okay, okay, okay.
他隨時會來 He will be here any moment.
納維德 我只是假裝打電話 你給他打電話了嗎？
100次了 沒有反應
我應該把事情弄清楚 I I think I should make something clear. Um
我能理解你在說什麼
我記得你說過 你從沒去過巴基斯坦
我從來沒去過 但我們在家裏說烏爾都語
對從未去過巴基斯坦的人 你的烏爾都語說得很好
謝謝
你想唱歌嗎？
我想給我的孩子取名為無效 I want to name my kid Void,
這樣他就不能兌現他的工資了 so he won't be able to cash any of his paychecks.
「對不起 先生 這上面寫著無效」 "I'm sorry, sir, this says 'Void' on it."
「但這是我的名宇」 "But that's my name.
「詛咒你 父親」 "Curse you, Father!"
我在銀行二樓工作 I work on the second floor of the bank
- 在這個幻想場景中 - 回伊斯蘭國吧 - in this fantasy scenario. - Go back to ISIS.
他剛才這麼說嗎？ Did he just say that?
吐司是一種非常奇怪的食物 Toast is a really strange food.
你剛才說什麼？ What What did you just say?
你用麵包做的 You put bread, and you make it
沒什麼 算了 It was nothing. Come on.
我說 他應該回伊斯蘭國去 I said he should go back to ISIS.
- 麵包是唯一的食物 - 不 我是說 - Toast is the only food - No, I mean,
這是立場混亂 that is a really confusing position.
我指 你想有更多伊斯蘭國教徒？ I mean, do you want ISIS to have more people?
不 我是說 - No, I was saying that
大伙猜怎麼著？這裏有個伊斯蘭國的招聘人員 Guess what, everybody? We got an ISIS recruiter here.
好吧 很高興我們弄清真相了 All right, glad we got to the bottom of that.
烤麵包就像 Toast is like a
你憑什麼這麼說？ What is it about him that made you say that?
我想我們知道答案 我沒有 I think we know what the answer is. I don't
女士 我沒有跟你說話 Lady, I wasn't talking to you.
他怎麼了？ What is it about him?
我們不必沿路走下去 We don't have to go down this path.
適可而止 We know what's at the end of it
就憑他的長相 'Cause of how he looks.
就在那兒 There it is.
這就像說 That is like saying
兄弟會男孩 戴著鄉村俱樂部的帽子 that all frat boys wearing country club hats
穿著夏威夷襯衫 and Hawaiian shirts
都長著乾癟的 超小 小老二 have shriveled-up, tiny, little dicks.
好吧 事實上 貝絲 Okay, actually Actually, Beth,
你的發現並不好 但他是對的 this is a bad way for you to find out, but he's right.
我其實是個恐怖分子 I actually am a terrorist.
我只是兼職演喜劇 I just do stand-up comedy on the side
保持低調 to keep a low profile.
操你媽 Fuck you.
首先 非常聰明 First of all, very clever.
什麼？你 你在家裏寫的嗎？ What? Did you Did you write that at home?
麵包 Toast
- 很奇怪 - 去你媽的 - is a very strange - Fuck you!
- 操你媽 - 不 操你 - Fuck you. - No, fuck you.
你是個婊子 你知道嗎？ You're a bitch, you know that?
操你媽 Fuck you!
喔 喔 喔 喔 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
不 聽好了 Hey, no. No, no, no, no. No. Listen.
媽的殺了你 Fucking kill you!
你他媽的電話號碼是多少？ What's your fucking phone number?
對不起 各位 Sorry, everybody.
抱歉 I'm sorry.
我 事實上我不抱歉 I I'm not sorry, actually,
因為你是 一個可怕的人 'cause you're a terrible person.
我不想在大家面前踢你的屁股 I don't want to kick your ass here in front of everybody.
是的 沒錯 Yeah, that's right.
我有等級證書的 混蛋 明白嗎？ I got levels, motherfucker. Okay?
壯士一去兮不復返 This elevator goes all the way fucking down,
你這個混蛋 you fucking prick!
我要泡茶 I think I'll make tea.
事實上我會開瓶酒 Actually, I'll open a bottle of wine.
事實上 艾米麗有威士忌嗎 Actually, um, does Emily have whiskey?
在冰箱頂上 On top of the fridge.
所以 聯賽還不錯吧？ So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?
我對棒球一無所知 I don't know anything about baseball.
不懂？嗯 No? Hmm.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry about that.
剛才 That was
我只是有點失控了 I just sort of lost control.
- 我覺得很性感 - 我也是 - I thought it was sexy. - Me, too.
不止性感 Not like sexy,
是超級性感 不是激昂性感 but like cool sexy, not like aroused sexy.
我不會再說 「性感」 二字了 I'm gonna not say "sexy" anymore.
你們想找點吃的嗎？ Hey, you guys want to get something to eat?
我知道你們有慣例 I know you guys got a formula.
我去看過幾場表演了 You know, I've been to a couple shows now.
總是這樣嗎？ So is it always like that?
- 今晚這樣？ - 有的 - Oh, like tonight? - Yeah.
不過通常是其他老媽救場 No, usually a different mom comes in to help me.
我在開玩笑 其實 I'm joking. No, it's
不是一直都這樣 不然我辭職了 It's not always like that. I'd quit if it was.
- 我有個笑話 不 - 不 泰利 不要 - Here's a joke. No. - No. Terry, don't.
泰利搞笑的技術 就跟葬禮放屁一樣 Terry's about as funny as a fart at a funeral.
不 這很好笑 好段子 No. This is funny. This is a funny one.
- 好 - 聽好了 - Okay. - All right.
長頸鹿走進酒吧 A giraffe walks into a bar,
他對酒保說 「我請你們喝高球」 and he says to the bartender, "Highballs on me."
你懂笑點麼？ You get it, right?
笑話講完了？ Oh, that was the end of the joke?
當然 Yeah, of course it was.
- 整個玩笑？ - 全部笑話 - That was the whole joke? - That's the joke.
這就是它的妙處 崩 That's the beauty of it. Boom.
- 我以為還有更多 - 但你找到笑點了嗎？ - I thought there was more. - But you get it?
他是長頸鹿 個子高 He's giraffe, he's tall,
所以他的睪丸很高 道理是這樣的 so it would stand to reason, his testicles are high.
- 嗯 - 海波（高球）是一種飲料 - Yeah. - And a highball is a drink.
而你卻說我不解風趣 And you ruined it by saying I wasn't funny first.
- 就是這樣 - 不 我沒有 - That's what it was. - No. No.
不 很好 我喜歡笑話 No, it's good. I like my jokes,
解釋很徹底 like, thoroughly explained.
你只是在破壞 你破了我的高球（海波） You're just busting You're bustin' my highballs.
耶 Yeah.
哈 嗯 Hmm. Mmm-hmm.
複雜回味 火焰般的嘴感 Complex finish, flamboyant mouth-feel.
很好 你怎麼樣？ Good. How about you?
- 輪到我了？- 是的 - My turn? - Yeah.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
水果向前衝 Fruit-forward.
絕對是好詞 水果向前衝 Good term, absolutely. Fruit-forward.
- 是的 不 - 我印象深刻 - - Yeah. No. - I'm impressed.
這就像開著運酒車 This one It's in the front seat.
- 前排就座 - 絕對 是的 - It's driving the wine car. - Exactly. It is.
我喜歡葡萄酒 因為巴斯 I like wine 'cause of the buzz.
她是輕量級段子手 貝絲 Mmm. She's a bit of a lightweight, Beth.
- 泰利也是 - 拜託 - So is Terry. - Come on.
他會昏倒在沙發上 不用一小時 He'll be passed out on the sofa in less than an hour.
胡說八道 你知道那不是真的 Aah. That's nonsense. You know that's not true.
♪ You don't want to see me hangin' on
今晚本不該你上節目的吧？ You weren't supposed to be on the show tonight, were you?
我今晚的節目？ Oh, me, on the show tonight?
必須的 我是頭牌 Yeah, I was. I was the headliner.
♪ You said I was a complicated boy
好吧 Okay.
我撒謊要演出 I lied about the show
是為了擺脫你們 to get out of hanging out with you guys,
然後我還撤謊領銜 and then I lied about headlining
來打動你們 to impress you guys.
嗯 那行不通 Well, that didn't work.
還有 我想我和你女兒搞砸了 Also, I think I screwed up with your daughter.
是的 Yeah.
你做到了 You did.
我不知道人們是怎麼做到的 當他們家人生病的時候 I don't know how people do it when their family's sick.
我叔叔盧 他得了癌癥 My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.
然後中風 然後心臟病發作 Then he had a stroke, then a heart attack.
然後他又復發了癌癥 Then he had a recurrence of the cancer.
但你知道是什麼殺了他嗎？ But you know what killed him?
- 癌癥？ - 車禍 - Cancer? - Car accident.
我們以為是心臟病發作 We think maybe it was a heart attack
他開車的時候還有癌癥 while he was driving, and he did still have cancer, too.
你知道嗎？ And you know what?
他一生都在吃豆芽 He ate sprouts his whole fucking life.
30年沒吃蛋黃了 Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.
♪ Then I won't stand in your way
我不知道今晚怎麼入睡 I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight.
你想化悲憤為食量嗎？ You want to stress eat?
操 是的 Fuck, yeah.
上帝 Oh, my God.
我知道 「最引人注目的」 I know. "Most noticeable."
現在 等等 Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.
還有更多 看啊 There's more. Look.
傳說中的墓地 拍的照 The legendary cemetery photo shoot.
上帝 Oh. Oh My God.
- 不 - 哦 哇 - Nah! - Oh! Wow!
我看的時候 笑到抽筋 Oh. I laughed so hard when I saw these,
她對我很生氣 she got so So mad at me.
你得把他叫醒 You're gonna wake him up.
你在開玩笑吧？他怎麼樣都睡得著 Are you kidding? He could sleep though anything.
- 嘿 泰利 - 噓 - Hey, Terry! - Shh!
你和泰利是怎麼認識的？ How did you and Terry meet?
我念東卡羅萊納大學 I was, um, going to East Carolina University.
我在等桌子 And I was, um, waiting tables,
我們在咖啡店認識的 and, you know, we met at this coffee shop.
我在等他的桌子 I was waiting on him,
我喜歡他的髮型 you know, and I liked his hair.
他是老師 He was a teacher already, you know.
紐約口音很濃 Thick New York accent,
我從未見過這樣的人 like like nobody I'd ever met, you know.
我完全錯了 Totally wrong for me.
自然地 我們墜入了愛河 So, naturally, we fell in love.
我的家人受不了他 My family could not stand him.
我家祖傳軍人 陸軍飛行員 We're all military people. Army pilots.
我的兄弟們都踢足球 All my brothers played football.
泰利連輪胎都沒換過 Terry couldn't even change a tire.
我父親生我氣了 My father got so mad at me,
他砸碎了所有餐盤 he broke every dinner plate we had.
那時有活動 去加油站 Now back then, um, you go to the gas station,
加滿油 就會送餐盤 you fill up your tank, you get a dinner plate.
哦 Oh.
但一次一個 例如茶杯 茶托 But just one at a time, like cup, saucer.
花了一年的時間 才揍齊一套 It took a year of fill-ups to get the whole set back.
而泰利 泰利一直這麼搞 And Terry Terry just stuck around.
最終 Eventually,
他們都關張了 they just all got over it.
- 就這麼沒了？ - 嗯 - They just got over it? - Mm-hmm.
什麼意思？ How?
很多次亂七八糟的晚餐 Lots of fucked-up dinners.
你父母是怎麼認識的 庫米爾？ How'd your parents meet, Kumail?
包辦婚煙 如你所知 So we have arranged marriage, as you know,
集體看電影 and a big group got together to go see a movie,
實際上是圈套 but really it was just a set-up
便於我媽和我爸見面 so my mom and my dad could meet.
他們看的什麼電影？ What movie did they see?
我不知道 I have no idea.
我從沒問過 I never asked.
- 她很棒 你知道嗎？ - 嗯 - She's great, you know? - Yeah.
我知道 I know.
我對手術感覺很好 I feel good about the surgery.
我也是 這些醫生懂他們在做什麼 Yeah. Me, too. These doctors know what they're doing.
不 他們不知道 No, they don't.
他們是即興表演 像其他人一樣 They're just winging it like everybody else.
他媽的 Oh fuck.
嘿 是我 Hey, it's me.
我試著做巴基斯坦菜 So, um, I tried making some Pakistani food,
給你驚喜 不是我廚藝不好 uh, to surprise you, and either I'm a bad cook
就是巴基斯坦食物都很可怕 or all Pakistani food is terrible.
我還不知道 再見 I don't know yet. Bye!
嘿 是我 如果你想過來 Hey, it's me. Um, if you just want to come over
然後吻我兩秒鐘 and, like, kiss me for two seconds,
我真的很喜歡今晚 I'd really love that tonight.
好的 再見 Okay, bye.
嘿 是我 你想不想約在畫廊？ Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you want to meet at the gallery?
上帝 Oh, my God!
上帝 一隻鳥撞了我的頭 Oh, my God! A bird just hit me in the head!
我的天 我沒開玩笑 Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!
我馬上給你回電話 天哪 沒事吧？ I'll call you right back. Oh, my God, is it okay?
肺部周圍的感染已經被清除 The infection around the lungs has been removed.
我們應能盡快把她弄醒 We should be able to pull her out soon.
哦 孩子 Oh, boy! Whew.
哦 那麼 多快？ Oh. Well, how soon?
她應該在明天早上醒來 She should be up by tomorrow morning at the latest.
哦 喔 Oh, wow.
我們還會用胸腔穿刺術測試胸腔液 以便採用 We'll also test the pleural fluid from the thoracentesis
更有針對性的 抗生素治療方案 to create a more targeted antibiotic strategy.
- 這算好消息嗎？ - 算好消息 - So this is good news? - It's very good news.
- 是的 - 我們再觀察她 - Yeah. - We'll just hold on to her
幾天 她就可以出院了 for a few more days, and then you can have her back.
她是個鬥士 對吧？ She's a fighter, right?
是的 Yes.
我很擔心 I was so worried.
新聞上看到火車出軌 We saw on the news that a train derailed,
我們以為你在火車上 and we thought that you were on the train,
你已經死了 and you had died.
沒人死在火車上面 媽 Nobody died on that train, Ma.
那他們有沒有檢查火車下面？ But did they look under the train?
昨晚你在哪？你在做什麼？ So where were you last night? What were you doing?
沒什麼 我什麼都沒做 Nothing. I wasn't doing anything.
- 庫米爾？ - 好吧 我交代 - Kumail? - All right, I'll tell you.
- 交代吧 - 我 - Tell. - I was
我在法學院入學考試複習 I was studying for the LSAT.
- 真的？ - 嗯 - Really? - Yup.
我報名了 如果通過 我要上法學院 I signed up, and if I pass, I'm going to go to law school
成為一名律師 and become a lawyer
從事法律事務 and do law.
嗯 Hmm.
讓我看看那是誰 Oh, let me see who that could be.
- 真的嗎 爸爸？ - 什麼？ - Really, Dad? - What?
你說沒人會來 只是 You said that nobody was going to come, it was just
- 只有我們 - 庫米爾 你認識這個人嗎？ - Gonna be just us. - Kumail, do you know this guy?
人們說的薩姆 People say Sam!
人們說的薩姆 你認識他嗎？ People say Sam! Do you know him?
我認識他 Yeah, I know him.
他應該是星期六夜場的（SNL） He should be on Saturday Night Live.
SNL SNL.
人們不會說 「薩姆」 他們說 「薩朗姆」（你好） People don't say "Sam." They say salaam.
大家記得卡蒂嘉嗎？ Everybody, you remember Khadija?
她順道來的 She just dropped in.
她剛好在附近 She was just in the neighborhood.
她的父母 拉罕和蒂娜 And these are her parents, Rahan and Tina.
他們也是順道 They also just dropped in.
- 你好 - 你好
於是她來了美國
她有三個孩子
事實上 她兩個孩子留在巴基斯坦 當她來
我這麼多次約會 I've just been on so many of these appointments,
從來沒有和他們有共同點 and I just never have anything in common with the guys.
是的 Yeah.
當女同事向我抱怨約會的時候 You know, when girls at work complain to me about dating,
我只是 我想抱摔她們 I just I want to body-slam them.
她們沒腦子 They have no idea.
- 對 - 我不知道 - Right. - I don't know.
我媽媽說我變得像傷痕纍纍的蘋果 My mom says I'm becoming like the bruised apple
在蘋果桶的底部 at the bottom of the apple bucket.
- 不 你不是 - 嗯 - No. No, no, no, you're not. - Yeah.
- 我是的 - 不 你不是 - I am. - No, you're not.
你想出去玩嗎？ So, do you want to hang out sometime?
不帶父母 Like, without our parents.
你去過貓咖啡館嗎？ Have you been to the Cat Cafe?
貓咪向你走來 The cats just come up to you
蜷縮在你的大腿上 你愛撫貓咪 and nestle in your lap, and you just pet them.
我不認為這是個好主意 I don't think that's a good idea.
你不喜歡 貓咪？ You don't like cats?
我的意思是 I mean
我不認為我們再約是個好主意 I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out again.
不是你的問題 It's not you.
你太棒了 You're fantastic.
我只是不能授受包辦婚姻 I just can't do this arranged marriage thing.
和任何人 With anybody.
那你為什麼要見我？ So why did you meet me?
這不是我的主意 It wasn't my idea.
我只是太累了 I'm just really tired.
你是否想過某段感情中 Do you ever want to just be in a relationship
終於不用太緊張？ so you can just finally relax?
對不起 I'm sorry.
你應該得到比我更好的 You deserve better than me.
人們總是告訴我我應得的 People always telling me what I deserve.
這是胡址 It's bullshit.
別對所有的事感到抱歉 And stop being so sorry about everything.
我要走了 I'm gonna go.
你知道嗎？我看過X檔案 And do you know what? I watched The X-Files.
三整集 很難看的劇集 Like, three whole episodes, and it's a bad show.
他們應稱此網站為 Wow, they should call this web site,
「一切都是癌癥.com」 "everything is cancer dot-com."
無論你有什麼癥狀 都可能是癌癥 Whatever symptom you put in, it could be cancer.
打隔可能是癌癥 拜託 Hiccups could be cancer. Come on.
打隔也有段子 Take the fun out of hiccups now.
但這裏是芝加哥第十七好的醫院？ But, you know, this is the 17th best hospital in Chicago?
- 真的？總數是多少？ - 我不知道 - Really? Out of how many? - I don't know.
但排名第一的是西北大學醫院 But Northwestern's number one.
他們怎麼計算的 How do they rate,
- 採用什麼方法？ - 我不知道 泰利 - or what's the methodology? - I don't know, Terry.
但第十七夠糟糕了 But 17th is bad.
不太好 除非取樣範圍是 It's not great. Unless the sample size is
你知道 取決於樣本總數 You know, that all depends.
這裏 看看評論 Here, look at the comments.
這就是我不想上網的原因 This is why I don't want to go online
因為從來沒有好評 'cause it's never good.
網上 他們討厭阿甘 You go online, they hated Forrest Gump.
有史以來最棒的電影 Frickin' best movie ever.
是的 我明白 Yeah, I know.
嗯 不 沒多久 Well, it, no, it hasn't been that long.
大概三小時吧 Like, three hours, maybe.
我 好吧 我得走了 Oh, hey, I I All right, I got to go.
- 泰利 你好 - 嘿 - Terry, hi. - Hey.
- 我們能談談嗎？ - 嗯 - Can we talk? - Yeah, yeah.
好的 Okay.
我們拿到了活檢結果 We got the biopsy results.
不幸的是 沒有定論 They are, unfortunately, inconclusive.
我們很擔心 因為可能是 Uh, we're concerned because it is also
等等 那是什麼意思？ Well, wait, wait, what does that mean?
可能是俱略性的 意思是 It means it's aggressive. It means that
我是說 他們不能確診病因 I mean, they They couldn't find out what
也無法分析病毒的 the disease was or where the
原發地 細菌什麼的 無論什麼 Where the virus came from, the bacteria, whatever.
但他們清除了 But they took out the infection,
- 感染應該問題不大 - 我知道 這正是我說過的 - so it shouldn't matter. - I know. That's what I said.
但是她的生命體征沒有正常化 But, uh, her vitals didn't normalize.
現在他們說感染 And now they say, the infection,
還在繼續擴散 現在到腎臟了 it's continuing to spread. It's in her kidneys now.
但是腎臟離肺部太遠了 But the kidneys are so far from the lungs.
我知道 I know.
這是主動感染 而且他們說 It's an aggressive infection, and they said
他們現在要做的是 就是找出 what they got to do now is they just got to figure out
神秘疾病究竟是什麼 what this mystery disease actually is.
啊 啊 啊 Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
我打電話給西北大學醫院 I'm calling Northwestern.
- 等一下 - 泰利 該死的 - Just hold on, hold on. - Terry, Goddammit
我想我們應該談談 I think we should talk about
閉嘴 Shut up.
我受夠了 泰利 我們轉院 I'm sick of this shit, Terry. We're getting her out of here.
現在在清除 They're in the middle of the
治療過程中 Of the whole process of elimination.
你是說西北大學醫院不採用 So you're saying Northwestern can't take that information
信息並繼續診斷？ and continue the search?
這地方是狗屎 對不起 This place is a shithole. I'm sorry.
安娜 能給我嗎？ Anna, could I have that?
你先停一下好嗎？ Will you just stop for a second, all right?
他們是醫生 They are the doctors.
你的表現就像你很懂 You act like you know what you're talking about.
- 醫生都不一樣 - 你不 - Doctors are not the same. - You don't.
我找不到手機 I can't find my cell phone.
- 你有手機嗎？ - 有 - You got a phone? - Yeah.
別給她 Don't give her the phone.
你不需要電話 Don't You don't need a phone.
你現在不需要打電話 You don't need to call anybody right now. The
這些專家在努力 而且 They're doing it. They're the experts here, and
- 我相信他們 - 很好 - And I trust them. - One, five
這很好 但我不信 Oh, well, that's very nice, but I don't.
你能解鎖嗎？ Can you unlock that thing?
所以他們排名17 There There's a reason they're number 17
而西北排第1 and Northwestern's number one.
並不是因為人們信任他們 謝謝 And that's not because people trust them. Thank you.
等等 你以為你比我聰明 Wait, you think you're smarter than me.
你說大話 You say big sentences.
好吧 其實你沒有 Okay, well, you're not. You're not.
我不認為我比你聰明 I don't think I'm smarter than you.
你只是自己覺得沒我這麼聰明 You just don't think you're as smart as I am.
- 那不是我的錯 - 對 這是 - That's not my fault. - Right, it's
這不是你的錯 一切都是我的錯 It's never your fault. Everything's my fault.
有些事情肯定是 Oh, there are some things that are definitely
你的錯 just your fault.
好吧 胡扯 Okay, that's That's bullshit.
你要冷靜下來 You need to stop freaking out and calm down.
你別再懦夫了 And you need to stop being a coward.
好吧 Right.
精選輯又來了 The greatest hits comin' back.
好的 你可以停下了 Okay, you can just Well, you can stop.
我會從記憶中回放其餘部分 I'll I'll replay the rest of this from memory.
別走 聽我說 Yeah, don't Listen to me
你有長頸鹿 Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.
店裏賣的最大的東西 It's the biggest thing they had.
我甚至不知道她是否喜歡長頸鹿 I don't even know if she likes giraffes.
我們從來沒有談過 We never talked about
長頸鹿 giraffes.
他們知道自己在幹什麼嗎？ Hey, do they know what they're doing?
因為他們什麼都不告訴我們 'Cause they don't tell us anything.
比如萊姆病 Like, uh, Lyme disease.
那個女孩現實世界中得過此病 You know, the girl on The Real World had it.
- 你們研究過嗎？ - 是的 我們做過 - Did you guys look for that? - Yes, we did.
她總是受到傷害 You know, she gets hurt all the time,
她最近傷了腳裸 會不會是狼瘡？ and she messed up her ankle recently. Could that be lupus?
我們正在搜尋一切可能 Listen, we're looking into everything.
目前沒有答案 We're not holding anything back from you.
我們只是在消除可能性 We're still just eliminating possibilities.
因為貝絲想把她移到西北醫院 'Cause Beth wants to move her to Northwestern.
不 艾米麗不該被移動 No. Emily should not be moved.
醫院需要批准 The hospital will approve it
不然會擔責的 because it'll get the liability off their hands.
但我們讓她昏迷是有原因的 But we put her in a coma for a reason,
為了穩定她 to stabilize her.
移動她 可能非常危險 Moving her could be very dangerous.
相信我 她和我們一樣在抗爭 Trust me, she is fighting this, and so are we.
嘿 泰利 我只才和他們談過 Hey, Terry, I was just talking to the
- 你沒事吧？- 嗯 - You okay? - Yeah.
當然 Yeah, of course.
完全沒問題 Fine. Totally fine.
貝絲去了艾米麗家 所以 Just, uh Beth went to Emily, so, uh
我要在這裏等他們趕我走 I'm gonna wait here till they kick me out, you know?
盯著她 Just keep an eye on her.
你想去我家打盹嗎？ Do you want to crash at my place?
- 你有高爾夫頻道嗎？ - 沒有 - You got Golf Channel? - No.
那不好笑 對吧？ That wasn't funny, right?
我沒有 我認為目前應嚴肅點 Oh, I didn't I thought that was a serious question.
我們離開這鬼地方 Let's get the fuck out of here.
那麼 So
就是這裏了 This is the place.
啊 喔 Huh. Wow.
這地方太可怕了 This place is terrible.
我和朱迪護士談過了 Hey, uh, I talked to Nurse Judy,
她說 and she was saying that, like,
搬動艾米麗 可能是個壞主意 moving Emily could be a bad idea.
真的？ Really?
是的 她說可能很危險 Yeah, she said it could be dangerous.
像是 Like, something
對 我聽到了 Yeah, I hear you.
嗯 And Hmm.
我願意付出一切 I just I'd give anything just to
如果能與艾米麗對換處境 trade places with Emily.
你知道嗎？ You know?
身為父母 這是噩夢 Being a parent, it's It's a nightmare.
愛一個人 這種情況太糟 Loving somebody this much sucks.
是的 Yeah.
還有 And, uh,
我想你已經注意到了 I guess you've noticed the tension
貝絲和我之間的緊張關係 between Beth and me.
嗯 不 這真的 Uh, not really.
嗯 這不關我的事 Uh, it's none of my business,
- 所以我不想 - 對 這是 - so I don't try to - Yeah, well, it's
既來之 Uh, it's there.
則安之 Big-time.
真的很晚了 我們應該睡覺了 It's getting really late. We should go to sleep.
我背叛了她 I cheated on her.
媽的 Fuck.
真的 I did.
那只是一夜情 It was just a one-night stand.
- 是的 - 我們在某個酒吧相遇 - Okay. - We met at some bar
在辛辛那提 in Cincinnati.
開教師會議 They They have these teacher conferences.
哪個參加數學會議還會劈腿? Who goes to a math conference to get laid?
數學老師？ Math teachers?
是的 Yeah.
我覺得我很沮喪 I I think I was depressed.
- 就是這樣 - 是的 - That's what it was. - Yeah.
我們明天再談吧 Let's talk about it tomorrow.
好好睡一覺 Get a full night's sleep,
早上再說 tackle it fresh in the morning
她只是 聞起來很香 She just smelled so good.
太可怕了 It was horrible, too.
我－搞完 搞完後 As soon as I was finished, as soon as I'd finished,
我就說 「你他媽的做了什麼？」 I was like, "What did you fucking do?
「你剛剛做了什麼？」 "What did you just do?
「你做了什麼？」 "What did you do?"
你知道那個 You know, that that, uh,
瞬間的清醒 就在高潮之後 moment of clarity you get, right after an orgasm.
嗯 Yeah.
我馬上告訴貝絲 I told Beth right away.
我必須這麼做 I had to.
她很傷心 She was devastated.
現在她恨我 And now she hates me.
她可能會生你的氣 但是 She might be mad at you, but
但她不恨你 But she doesn't hate you.
聽她說話的方式 能看出來 Should've heard the way she was talking about you.
嗯 Mmm.
嘿 我能問你點事嗎？ Hey, can I ask you something?
你為什麼告訴她？ Why'd you tell her?
我不得不這麼做 Oh, I had to.
我不擅長內疚 I'm no good with guilt.
你們談過嗎？ Do you guys talk about it?
後來沒有 Not anymore.
她說她原諒了我 但是 She said she forgave me, but but, no.
她沒有 She hasn't.
讓我給你一些建議 庫米爾 Let me give you some advice, Kumail.
與你共度餘生的 You're gonna know the woman that you want to spend
那個女人 the rest of your life with
當你欺騙她的時候 when you cheat on her.
當你欺騙她時 你會覺得自己很蠢 When you cheat on her and you just feel like shit.
所以 如果我徹底愛一個人 So to fully know I love someone,
我得騙她們？ I have to cheat on them?
大聲點 聽起來很愚蠢 Out loud, it sounds stupid.
嗯 這是 糟糕的建議 Eh, it's Yeah, that's terrible advice.
愛 Love
愛並不容易 Love isn't easy.
所以被稱之為愛 That's why they call it love.
我也不太明白 I don't really get that either.
我知道 我以為我會說些什麼 I know. I thought I could just start saying something,
會觸動聰明的神經 and something smart would come out.
你看到泰利了嗎？ Hey, did you see Terry?
我今天早上聽到他離開了 Yeah, I heard him leave this morning.
我要去便利店 你要帶什麼嗎？ I'm going to Subbies. You want anything?
不 我不用 謝謝 Nah, I'm good. Thank you.
你不想要熱狗嗎？ You don't want a hot dog or nothin'?
夥計 現在是八點半 Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning.
好吧 不要熱狗 Okay. No hot dog.
嘿 Oh, hi.
請進吧 Oh, yeah, you can go right in.
我們剛和卡蒂嘉的父母談過 We just spoke to Khadija's parents.
- 你們來幹什麼？ - 你有什麼毛病 庫米？ - What are you doing here? - What is wrong with you, Kumi?
我沒有毛病 對不起 Nothing is wrong with me. I'm sorry.
對不起？這就是你要說的？ Sorry? That's all you have to say?
好吧 我 我沒那麼中意她 Okay, I I don't I wasn't that into her.
- 中意她？ - 是的 - - Into her? - Yeah.
你知道這有多難嗎？ Do you know how difficult it is
把她約出來？ to get an appointment with her?
她要求很高的 She's in very high demand.
- 是的 所以？ - 所以？ - Okay, so? - So?
我們能不能改天再談？我 Can we please talk about this another time? I I
不 庫米 我們現在就得談 No, no, Kumi. We will talk about this now.
我們為你犧牲了一切 We have sacrificed everything for you.
我知道的 對吧？ I know. Okay?
我們離開了 我們的大家庭 We have left our family.
我們離開了家園 We have left our home.
我錯過了我妹妹女兒的出生 I have missed the birth of my sister's daughter.
我已經15年沒有見過我的母親了 I have not seen my mother for 15 years.
你的父親 他不得不再次去研究生院 Your father, he had to do his graduate school again.
他不得不 再次參加考試 He had to give exams again.
我已經50多歲了 I was in my mid-50s.
年輕人都是20多歲 他們過去常叫我時光老人 They were in 20s. They used to call me Father Time.
好吧 好吧 我懂 Okay, okay. I know that.
我真的很感激你們為我做的一切 And I I really appreciate everything you did for me.
但我們能不能改天再談？ But can we talk about this another time?
庫米 如果你不想當律師 很好 Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer, fine.
如果你想做脫口秀喜劇 If you want to do the stand-up comedy
讓我們家庭難堪 那好 and embarrass us as a family, fine.
只有一件事 There is only one thing
我們曾經對你要求過 庫米 that we have ever asked for you, Kumi,
你是個好穆斯林 that you be a good Muslim
你應娶巴基斯坦女孩 and you marry a Pakistani girl!
就是這樣 只此一事 That is it! One thing!
我能問你點事嗎？ Can I ask you something?
對我來說沒有意義的事 Something that has never made sense to me.
既然你們不想美國人參與 Why did you bring me here if you wanted me
何必帶我來美國？ to not have an American life?
我們來到這裏 但我們假裝還在國內 We come here, but we pretend like we're still back there.
太蠢了 That's so stupid.
你不可以對你媽那樣說話 Don't you talk to your mother like that.
你們不在乎我的想法 You don't care what I think.
你只是想讓我遵守規則 You just want me to follow the rules.
但這些規則對我來說 沒有意義 But the r the rules don't make sense to me.
我不祈禱 I don't pray.
我不 I don't.
我好多年沒祈禱了 I haven't prayed in years.
我只是去樓下 I just go down there,
玩電子遊戲而已 and I play video games.
你不相信真主嗎？ You don't believe in Allah?
我不知道我相信什麼 爸爸 I don't know what I believe, Dad.
我不知道 I don't know.
我不能娶你們指定的人 And I can't marry someone you find for me.
為什麼不呢？ And why not?
因為我愛上了一個人 Because I am in love with someone.
真的 I am.
她的名宇是艾米麗 Her name is Emily.
她會成為一個治療師 And she's gonna be a therapist.
現在她病得很重 And right now she's very sick.
但我不能告訴你 But I couldn't tell you that.
這讓我很傷心 我不能告訴你任何情況 It makes me so sad that I couldn't tell you any of that.
我真的很感激你們為我所做的一切 I really appreciate everything you've done for me.
我真的 真的 我真的感激 I truly, truly, truly do. I really do.
我知道伊斯蘭教很有好處 And I know Islam has been really good for you,
它讓你成為好人 and it has made you good people.
但我不知道我相信什麼 But I don't know what I believe.
我只需要自己想辦法 I just need to figure it out on my own.
你不是我兒子 You're not my son.
庫米爾 你太自私了 Kumail. You're being selfish,
你沒考慮我們 you're not thinking about us.
事實上 你沒有考慮過卡蒂嘉 You're not thinking about Khadija, in fact,
你根本都沒有考慮過 you're not even thinking about
你愛的那個女孩 that girl you are in love with.
你認為美國夢只是為自己 You think American dream is doing just about
而不用考慮別人？ whatever you want and not thinking about other people?
你錯了 You're wrong!
你錯了 You are wrong!
請原諒我們 Excuse us, please.
抱歉 Sorry.
你怎麼回事 夥計？ What's wrong with you, man?
- 嘿 克裏斯 - 嘿 - CHRIS Hey. - Hey.
我還沒去商店 I, uh, never went to the store.
我只是在門外聽 I was just listening at the door.
我媽把我趕出去了 因為我16歲賣大麻 Hey My mom kicked me out for dealing weed at 16,
我很懂 夥計 so I get it, man.
- 嘿 - 嘿 嗯 所以 - Hey. - Hey, um, so,
我們什麼時候才能和貝絲談這件事 wh when are we gonna talk to Beth about this thing
- 我們談過的那件？ - 我們 我們 - that we talked about? - We we we
我們要搬動她 We're gonna move her,
就這麼辦 is what we're gonna do.
什麼？ What?
- 什麼？我們要把她搬走 - 你 - What? We're gonna move her. - What you
你在說什麼？ What are you talking about?
你他媽屈服了？ You fucking caved?
- 我沒有屈服 - 你他媽屈服了？ - I didn't cave. - You fucking caved?
- 我沒有屈服 - 好吧 - I don't cave, okay? - Okay, okay, okay, okay.
我知道你沒有屈服 I know you don't, you don't cave, you don't cave,
你很棒 you're great.
但是我們昨晚談過的 But we talked about this last night,
- 我們決定了 - 我知道 - and we decided - I know. I know.
這不是個好事情 that it wasn't gonna be a good
- 我們要把她搬出去 - 不 什麼 - We're moving her. - No. What?
- 是的 - 我告訴你為什麼 - Yeah. - I I told you what
- 我說了護士的話 - 她說得對 - the nurse said. - She's right.
貝絲 護士說搬動艾米麗 Hey, Beth, um, the nurse told me that moving Emily
可能是個壞主意 could be a very bad idea.
西北醫院說很好 Well, Northwestern told us it could be very good.
他們沒看到她 護士看到過她 Well, they don't see her, this nurse sees her,
她親自告訴我的 and she told me herself. She said
沒關係 庫米爾 他們不需要見她的 That's okay, Kumail, they don't need to see her.
不 這樣不好 No, it's not okay! There.
- 但這 - 我明白了 - That's - I got it.
那是車庫地圖 That's a map of the garage.
不要 Don't
等等 Wait, wait, wait.
你負責嗎？ You want to be responsible?
嗯？ Huh?
她可能會死 She could die!
庫米爾 Kumail,
不管發生什麼 我們都要對她負責 we're responsible for her no matter what.
我們是她的父母 We're her parents.
對不起 我們要把她搬出去 Now, I'm sorry, we're moving her.
歡迎光臨熱的快 Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.
需要點單嗎？ Can I take your order, please?
能給我－份四片芝士漢堡嗎？ Yeah, um, can I get a burger with four slices of cheese?
四個漢堡還有什麼嗎 先生？ Four burgers. Anything else, sir?
不 一個漢堡配四片 芝士 No, one burger with four slices of cheese.
一個漢堡四片 One burger with four slice
對不起 我們不能 I'm sorry, we can't do that.
放四片芝士 在漢堡上 Just put four slices of cheese on a burger.
我們不能 沒有按鈕 We can't do that. There's no button
他媽的 「我們」 是誰？ Who the fuck is this "we," man?
誰他媽「我們」是誰？是我和你 Who the fuck is this "we"? It's me and you!
我們都是普通人 他媽的聽我說 We're just people! Fucking listen to me!
去他的企業實體 Fuck this corporate entity!
放四片芝士在該死的漢堡上 Put four slices of cheese on the fucking burger!
- 我們不能 - 搞你妹？ - We can't do that. - What the fuck?
你這個白癡 嘿 You fucking idiot! Hey!
嘿 看著我 看著我 Hey, look at me, look at me.
因為我是人 你是人 看著我 'Cause I'm a human being, you are a human being. Look at me!
你胡搞的時候 看著我的眼睛 Look me in the eyes when you fuck me!
看著我 拜託 Look at me! Please!
今天是我的第一天 Today's my first day.
操你媽 Fuck you!
我給你叫四個漢堡 I'll just ring you up for four burgers.
對不起 I'm sorry.
你需要薯條還是飲料？ Do you want any fries or drink with that?
我要四包炸薯條 I'll take four fries.
對不起 I'm sorry.
操 Fuck!
你的生活很戲劇性 your life dramatically.
我就開始寫日記了 Um, so then I started keeping this journal.
日記就像 你知道的 And the journal is, like, you know,
過度補償 試圖表現得像 me overcompensating and trying to act like
我活得很酷很自在 I'm living this, like, cool, rock-and-roll lifestyle.
事實上 我三年級的時候 When, in reality, I'm in third grade,
一直在哭 crying all the time.
嘿 夥計 蒙特利爾決賽 你準備好了嗎？ Hey, man, Montreal Finals. You ready?
等等 你會不會憂鬱且喜怒無常 Oh, wait, are you getting all, like, dark and moody
在你演出前？ before your set?
對 像懲罰淘氣包一樣懲罰自己 Yeah, punish yourself like a nasty, little baby.
好吧 我沒心情 拜託 克裏斯？ Okay, okay, I am not in the mood, okay, Chris?
我會讓你心情舒暢的 I'll get you in the mood.
- 你沒事吧？ - 我會讓你心情舒暢的 - You all right? - I'll get you all in the mood!
為什麼大家都說同樣的話？ Why is everybody saying the same fucking thing?
- 我決定 - 夥計 你沒事吧？ - Yeah, I decide - Dude, are you all right?
我很好 Yeah, I'm doing great.
好吧 夥計 我看看你 Okay, all right, dude, I'm just checking on you.
類似的東西有 It would have stuff, like, you know, like,
一體式洗衣烘乾機 an in-unit washer and dryer
你他媽怎麼了？ The fuck have you been, man?
- 你下一個上場 - 好的 好的 - You're on next. - Okay, okay.
謝謝 夥計們 我愛你 Thank you, guys. I love you.
你好？ Hello?
庫米爾 是你嗎？ Kumail, is that you?
- 是的 - 我是泰利 - Yeah. - It's Terry.
聽著 我們不能動她 Uh, listen, we're not moving her.
醫生 他們說 The doctor, they said
你們聽說過一種 Have you guys heard of this
叫做奶酪的雞尾酒新藥嗎？ new drug cocktail called cheese?
僅僅是名宇叫做奶酷 Like, that's the name of it, it's called cheese.
我看了所有的新聞 就像是 Um I saw all these news reports, and they were like,
有一種新藥 叫做奶酪 "There's a new drug, it's called cheese.
中西部每個人都服用 "Everyone's doing it in the Midwest.
孩子們也是 "Kids are doing it."
真的很難演脫口秀 It's just really hard to do stand-up comedy
當你女朋友昏迷時 when your girlfriend is in a coma.
嗯 Uh
不太清楚你們會笑什麼 Not quite sure what part you were laughing at.
他們說她在抗爭 但她看起來不像 They say she's fighting, but she doesn't look like
她在抗爭 看起來 she's fighting, she looks like she's just
她看起來只是躺在那裏 She looks like she's just laying there.
我對她說了些難聽的話 I said horrible things to her, and, um,
我對她說了難聽的話 我傷害了她 I said horrible things to her, I h I hurt her.
嗯 Um
她喜歡鳥 She loves birds.
她每次看到鳥就會興奮 Like, she gets excited every time she sees a bird.
就像 She's like,
「看啊 一隻鳥」 "Look at this, it's a bird."
我總是說 是啊 他們到處都是 I'm always like, "Yeah, they're all over the place.
因為他們是鳥 "They're birds."
但她 But she, like
她喜歡那隻鳥 你知道嗎？ She likes that bird, you know?
她喜歡看到的 每隻鳥 Every bird she sees, she sees it.
她爸爸剛打來電話 Her dad just called
他們不能轉院 and said that they can't transfer her
因為感染已經到達她的 心臟 because the infection has reached her heart.
嗯 Uh
那 Which
意味著她 Which means she
也就是說她可能會死 Which means she could die.
我不知道你是否能聽到我 但是 I don't know if you can hear me or not, but
如果你能挺過去的話 it would be really good if you pulled through.
如果你必須走 放心走 但是 If you have to go, you can go, but
你留下來更好 It would be really great if you stayed.
嗯 Uh
我對我所做的事很抱歉 不是嗎 And I'm really sorry for what I did, okay?
辛格醫生 請到藥房 Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.
媽媽 Mom.
你的淚水在我身上到處都是 You're getting your tears all over me.
我什麼時候能感覺到我的臉？ When am I gonna be able to feel my face?
嗯 Hmm.
你嚇到我們了 童子軍 Hey, you gave us quite a scare there, scout.
- 真的 - 童子軍？ - Really. - Scout?
得了 我一直這麼叫你 Come on, I call you that all the time.
沒有 從來沒有 No, not since
- 從我長大後 - 我一直叫的 - I was a grown-up. - Yes, I do.
我叫了你一輩子 I've been calling you that my whole life.
哦 哦 哦 Oh, oh, oh, oh!
哦 Oh.
- 對不起 親愛的 - 發生什麼事了？ - Sorry, hon. - What's happening?
- 你沒事吧？ - 那什麼玩意？ - You okay? You all right? - What is that crap?
我們得把流質變稠一點 We have to thicken your liquids for a bit.
你的食道還不能吞嚥 Your esophagus isn't strong enough to swallow yet.
那玩憊嘗起來像是精子 That shit tastes like semen.
這句很好 That's nice
- 父親聽到的話 - 她沒有 - for a father to hear. - She won't have
任何社會禁忌 any social inhibitions until the
直到麻醉解除 The anesthetic wears off.
說真的媽媽 你該嘗嘗 Seriously, Mom, you should try this.
- 等一下 親愛的 - 別這麼說 - No, wait a minute, honey. - Stop saying that.
- 不要杯子 - 拜託 - Not the cup. - Oh, come on,
拜託 拜託 come on, come on.
他們會收48美元 不用擔心 They'll charge us $48 for it, don't worry about it.
你為什麼在這裏？ Why are you here?
我好久沒聽到她的聲音了 I I haven't heard her voice in a while.
他一直都在這裏 He's been He's been here the whole time.
你們兩個外面借一步嗎？ Could I speak with you both outside?
好的 Yeah.
- 我們馬上回來 - 好的 我們馬上到外面去 - We'll be right back. - Yeah, we'll be right outside.
- 好的 All right.
嘿 Hey.
艾米麗患有罕見的 Emily has a rare condition
成人型類風濕病 called adult-onset Still's disease.
庫米爾 提到艾米麗受傷的腳跟 Kumail mentioned Emily's hurt ankle,
腫脹仍未消退 and the swelling still hadn't gone down
即使在床上躺了幾天 even after several days in bed,
- 這很奇怪 - 嗯 - which is strange. - Mmm.
類風濕病是一種機體認為健康組織 Still's disease is when the body thinks healthy tissue
患有感染 所以機體試圖對抗感染體 is an infection, so it tries to fight it.
- 嗯 - 類似的巨大 - Uh-huh. - It's like a big
的生物誤解 biological misunderstanding.
- 是的 - 所以 - Yeah, yeah. - So,
我們給她消炎 we gave her anti-inflammatories,
她幾小時內就穩定下來了 and she stabilized within hours.
她要花點時間來恢復 She's gonna take time to recover,
但她會沒事的 but she'll be fine.
- 喔 - 完全恢復 - Wow. - Full recovery.
你在這裏幹什麼？ What are you doing here?
我在大廳裏拜訪某人 I was visiting someone down the hall,
我順路而已 and I was, like, I'll just pop in
- 向艾米麗問好 - 哦 - and say hi to Emily. - Oh.
我在開玩笑 我是來找你的 No, I'm joking. I'm here for you.
你是個混蛋 我不喜歡你 You're an asshole, and I don't like you.
我不是混蛋 我真的不是 I'm not an asshole. I'm really not.
不 你是個混蛋 Oh, no, you're an asshole.
你服了很多藥物 You have a lot of drugs in you,
所以你思維不太清晰 so you're, like, not thinking as clearly.
不 夥計 我沒開玩笑 No, dawg, I'm not joking.
你對我一點都不好笑 You're not funny to me.
你讓我很傷心 You just make me sad.
你讓我內心感到悲傷 You make me sad inside of my heart,
看著你讓我很傷心 and it makes me sad to look at you.
所以我想你該走了 So, I think you should probably go.
快去告訴我媽媽 我要她 Just go, and tell my mom I want her.
請你去找我媽媽好嗎？ Will you please get my mom?
- 我很抱歉 - 好的 很好 - I'm so sorry about that. - Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.
艾米麗想見你 Um, Emily wants to see you.
哦 Oh.
嗯 我要走了 Um, I'm gonna head out.
我不該繼續呆著 I don't think I should be here.
庫米爾 事情是這樣的 Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.
你的生活狀況 Your living condition, it's, uh
有潛在的健康風險 It's a potential health risk.
你也沒那麼好笑 And you're not that funny.
但你可能也不適合做其他事 But you're probably not suited to do anything else either,
那就麻煩了 so that's troublesome.
聽起來你像要 You really made it sound like you were gonna
說點積極的話 say something positive there.
我想是的 Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?
嗯 你知道 Well, you know
你知道我有美德 You know I know the good stuff.
我有美德 I know the good stuff.
我不知道 所以你懂的 I don't know, so you know
你知道我的感受 我要 You know how I feel. I got to
- 我得進去 - 是的 - I got to get in. - Yeah.
我錯過了什麼？ What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
烤奶酪澆冰淇淋 Brick on top of the grilled cheese and
嗯 Yeah.
是的 我想要 Yeah, I want that.
- 馬上回來 - 培根或其他 - Be right back. - Bacon or something
- 嘿 - 嘿 - Hey. - Hey.
你要在芝加哥待一陣子？ So you're gonna hang around Chicago for a while?
是的 Yeah.
- 她要理療 - 哦 - She's got physical therapy. - Oh.
你有沒有想過你會很興奮 Did you ever think you'd be excited
讓你的女兒去接受理療？ to have your daughter go through physical therapy?
如此奇怪 我們一起 It's so strange that we could go through
經歷了生活中 one of the most intense experiences
最強烈的經歷 of our lives together and just
所以別再見面了 Just never see each other again.
也許 Maybe.
但我希望不會 But I hope not.
向你扔了一隻鳥 然後跑開了 threw a bird at you, and then ran away,
然後你就說 媽的 and you're like, "Oh, crap!
我現在有一隻鳥 "I own a bird now!"
嘿 悲衰的小人 Hi, little sad man.
鬱悶的男孩 Mopey boy.
嘿 Hey.
我們有事要告訴你 We have something to tell you.
告訴他 Yes. Tell him.
- 我們要去紐約 - 紐約 - We're moving to New York. - New York.
- 什麼？ - 嗯 - What? - Mm-hmm.
我們希望你和我們一起去 And we want you to come with us.
真的嗎？ Are you serious?
必須的 開始會很糟 You got to do it. It's gonna suck at first,
但我們會在一起 but we're gonna have each other,
也許拿報酬寫笑話 and maybe we'll eventually get paid to write jokes.
嗯 這樣最好 Mm-hmm. It's gonna be the best.
來吧 夥計 Come on, dude.
你一定要來 You have to come.
我知道你沒有去蒙特利爾 I know you did not get Montreal,
只是因為 and that is only because
你那次表演有史以來最差勁 you did one of the worst sets I've ever seen
於我一輩子 in my goddamn life.
- 是的 - 完全是一派胡言 - Yeah. - It was nonsense.
活生生的恥辱 A living disgrace.
我會稱之為狗屎 但我會擔心 I would call it shit, but I would be worried
我是不是侮辱了 「狗屎」 二宇 that I'd be insulting actual shit.
對我來說大冷了 Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me,
我以為有鬼從我身邊經過 I thought a ghost had passed right through me.
我們不必再繼續 We don't have to keep going over
討伐這次表演了 how bad the set was.
我看到他們的表情 I saw their faces
還有他們沒有發出的呱噪 and the noises they didn't make.
我覺得我死了一枚卵子 I felt one of my eggs die.
不是每個月都這樣嗎？ Doesn't that happen, like, every month?
每個月都有 庫米爾 It happens every month, Kumail,
但不是每次都能感覺到它的離開 but I don't always feel it and go
是你讓我這樣的 And that's what you made me do.
- 是的 - 我 - Yeah. - I
我把東西收拾好 我要搬去紐約 I'm packing my things up, and I'm moving to New York,
你猜怎麼著 寶貝 你要跟我走 and guess what, baby. You're coming with me.
克裏斯呢？ What about Chris?
你們見過鴿子 Have you ever seen a pigeon
打招呼嗎？ try and pick up another pigeon?
他會沒事的 He will be fine.
車裏沒有足夠的空間 可能 There's not enough room in the car, probably.
我們一周後出發 好吧？ We leave in a week. All right?
我已經叫了搭車 芝加哥到匹茲堡 And I already called shotgun, Chicago to Pittsburgh.
別搞砸了 Do not fuck this up.
你的命運在等待 Your destiny awaits.
這將是你人生中最大的一步 This'll be the biggest move of your life,
比跨出巴基斯坦還大 other than the one from Pakistan.
對 Yeah.
我沒有任何頓悟 I didn't have any kind of epiphany or anything
嘿 碰杯 碰杯 Hey, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
叮叮噹 嘿 各位 謝謝賞光 Hey, everybody. Thank you for, uh, for coming.
我只想說幾句 呃 I just want to say a couple, uh
幾句話 A couple of words here.
媽媽 為什麼庫米爾在這裏？ Mom, why is Kumail here?
因為他一直在那裏 'Cause he was there the whole time, you know.
我邀請了護士 我邀請了他 I invited the nurses, I invited him.
以及 呃 And, um, for
艾米麗快上來 Emily, come on up, come on up here.
我想說點什麼 I want to say something.
- 我想說點什麼 - 爸爸 - I want to say something. - Dad.
對你們說 Talk amongst yourselves.
這可能需要 This might take a
艾米麗今天早上成功地剝了一個橘子 Emily successfully peeled an orange this morning.
- 爸爸 - 嗯 - Dad! - Yeah.
那是 橘兒（巴黎女歌手） It was It was a clementine.
完全剝開 一個橘子 Full disclosure, a clementine.
就是那些小型的 It's those little ones that, you know,
一隻小猴就能剝開的那種 a baby monkey could peel it.
但是她做到了 But, uh, but she did it.
我的話完了 And And, yeah, so that's all. We just
謝謝諸位 Thank you, everybody. Hey
你好 Hi.
我喜歡你的手杖 I like your cane.
- 我聽說拉皮條不容易 - 正解 - I heard pimpin' ain't easy. - Right.
我們能談－下嗎？ Hey, could we talk for a second?
當然 Sure.
我收集了一些東西 So I've been collecting some things, uh,
對我來說很重要 that are important to me,
我想讓你看看 and I wanted to show them to you.
我把這稱為我的摯愛之包 I call this my bag of devotion.
這是 所有的訪客通行證 Uh, so this is, uh, all the visitor passes
當我去醫院著你的時候 from when I visited you when you were in the
嗯 um
這些是門票 So these are the tickets
來自你父母看我表演的時候 from when your parents came to see me perform,
我意識到他們有多棒 and, uh, I I realized how great they are,
你有多偉大 and how great you are,
偉大的誠實 and how great honesty is.
你做了什麼？ What did you do?
你火葬了某人嗎？ Did you cremate someone?
這些是所有巴基斯坦女人的骨灰 These are the ashes of all the Pakistani women
不是人 Not the women
是巴基斯坦女人的照片 The pictures of the Pakistani women.
我覺得這是個好主意 感覺有點 I thought this was a good idea, and it feels kind of
感覺有點笨 It feels a little stupid.
我知道我是一個糟糕的男朋友 I know I was a terrible boyfriend,
但我變了 but I have changed.
我就是你需要的那個人 And I am the person you need me to be.
我真的是 I really am.
所以 So
覆水能收嗎？ Will you take me back?
庫米爾 我真的很高興你 Kumail, I'm really glad that you
經歷過這種體驗 went through this experience,
但你要明白 but you have to understand that
這一切都發生在我睡著的時候 that all happened when I was asleep.
你幾周前是另一種感覺 Like, you felt one way a few weeks ago,
而你現在卻說 感覺相反 and now you're saying you feel the total opposite way,
問題唯一改變的就是 and the only thing that's changed
是我昏迷了 is that I was in a coma.
老實說我 Honestly, I I
我看著這一切 我想 I look at all of this, and I just think,
我不能再來一次 you know, I just can't do it again.
- 我不能 - 我 - And I can't - I
我不能成為你不組建家庭的原因 I can't be the reason that you don't have a family.
現在的感覺完全不同了 It just feels totally different now.
我不能再和你戀愛 And I can't do that again.
你明白嗎？ Do you understand?
- 是的 - 明白嗎 - Okay. - Okay?
明白了 Okay.
抱歉 Sorry.
媽媽 Ma.
爸爸 Dad.
法蒂瑪 巴依 大家好？ Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?
沒有盤子 Oh, there's no plate.
哦 Oh.
我忘了 我決定 Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided
我不會讓你趕我走 I won't let you kick me out of the family.
既然我是家庭成員 Since I'm a member of the family,
我可以對是否開除我一事 it would stand to reason that I would get a vote
進行投票 in whether or not I get kicked out,
投票必須是一致 and that vote would have to be unanimous,
標準議事程序 standard parliamentary procedure.
不贊成踢走庫米爾的人 So, all those in favor of not kicking Kumail
家庭成員 請舉手 out of the family, raise your hand.
好極了 將庫米爾趕出家庭的動議被駁回 Great. Motion to kick Kumail out of the family denied.
這樣 你們就可以跟我說話了 So, you guys can just talk to me.
好吧 既然你們對我置之不理 Okay, you're giving me the silent treatment.
我想接下來 I figured that was what was gonna happen.
我有個辦法 I have a solution.
「嘿 你好嗎？」 So, "Hi, how are you?"
基本用語 That's just a real basic one. You know.
「把鹽遞給我」 很實用 "Pass the salt." Practical.
「總是與喜劇有關」 "Always with the comedy."
「媽媽 特地為你做的」 Mom, made that one specially for you.
「庫米爾 你怎麼」 "Kumail, how did you become so much more handsome
「比納維德帥那麼多？」 "than your brother NAVEED?"
廢話 Bullshit.
我承認 我是來 I admit, this one is designed
挑起爭議的 to stir up some controversy.
「很有趣 你不能真正」 "It's interesting how you can't really
「把某人踢出你的家庭 因為」 "kick someone out of your family because
「他們將永遠是你的家人」 "they will always be your family."
我同意這一點 寫的不錯 I agree with that one. That's a good one.
我把這些都留給你們 So, I'm gonna leave these here for you.
對不起 我騙了那些姑娘 I am sorry I lied about the girls
還有法學院考試 and the LSAT and all of that.
都錯了 That was wrong.
還有一件事 And one more thing.
我要搬到紐約去追求自立 I'm moving to New York to pursue stand-up,
但我不會離開這個家 but I am not leaving this family.
我父母想讓我接受包辦結婚 My parents, um, they want me to get arrange married.
巴基斯坦稱之為浪漫 Or, as it's, uh, called in Pakistan, romance!
今天早些時候 And earlier today,
我告訴他們－切 我告訴他們 I told them everything. I told them
我的生活 我說了艾米麗 about my life, I told them about Emily.
他們把我趕出了家門 They kicked me out of the family.
我可能再也不能跟他們說話了 I may never talk to them again.
就這樣 So, that happened.
- 幹嘛呢？ - 我能進來嗎？ - What is it? - Can I come in?
好的 Okay.
我發誓 I swear, you and Dad
你和你爸就像我大一的室友 are just like my freshman year roommate,
除了不搞男人 but instead of just, like, boning random dudes,
你們到處為人父母 you're just parenting all the time.
到處都是 在房子的每一個房間 All over the place. In every room of the house.
包括我旁邊 Including right next to me.
我們得走了 We got to go.
回家？ Home?
- 不 - 是的 - No. - Yeah.
是時候了 It's time.
我還沒準備好 I'm not ready.
你知道嗎？ Yeah, you know what?
你很堅強 You're strong.
真的 And you are.
我們會去清真寺 聽取1400年前 And we would go to the mosque and hear graphic details
宗教人士被殺的細節 of religious people being killed 1,400 years ago.
我是說 昆汀·塔倫蒂諾式的細節 I mean, like, Tarantino-esque details.
每個人都會哭 And everyone would be crying,
就像比誰會哭的最慘 like, competing to see who could cry the hardest.
我永遠不會哭 And I could never cry.
我想 我有什麼毛病？ And I was like, what is wrong with me?
我受傷了？ Am I broken?
我唯一一次哭得很慘 The only time I've cried that much
是在前15分鐘 is during the first 15 minutes of Up.
這是一張我和我母親的照片 This is a picture of me and my mother.
我七歲了 I'm seven years old.
你知道人們 他們談論紐約洪水 You know people, they talk about the the New York water.
我想芝加哥的洪水被低估了 Chicago water is very underrated, I think.
很好 It's good.
嘿 夥計們 Hey, guys.
我想我出去一下 I think I might just pop out for a bit.
什麼 你一個人？ What, by yourself?
是的 就去街區轉轉 Yeah, just hop around the block.
也許去喝點冰凍酸奶 Maybe get some frozen yogurt.
你沒事吧？你能行嗎？ You okay? Can you do it?
你能自己走嗎？ Can you walk by yourself?
- 可以 爸爸 - 好吧 - Yeah, Dad. - All right.
玩得愉快 Have fun.
如果你感覺到不舒服 打電話 If you feel a coma coming on, call us.
- 爸爸 有那麼快嗎 - 好吧 - Dad, it's too soon. - Right.
我愛你 明早見 I love you, I'll see you in the morning.
- 愛你 - 再見 - Love you. - Bye.
好的 愛你 再見 Okay. Love you. Bye.
- 玩得愉快 - 我會的 - Have fun. - I will.
- 有電話嗎？- 是的 - Got your phone? - Yep.
但你喜歡？ But you liked it, huh?
我的意思是 Yeah. I mean
耶 Yeah.
我的意思是 I mean
- 嘿 - 你好 - Hey. - Hi.
- 你在這裏幹什麼？ - 嗯 - What are you doing here? - Uh
我在附近 I was in the neighborhood,
我估計你可能在這裏 and I saw that you were gonna be here,
所以 我想打個招呼 so I thought I'd come say hi.
你看起來很棒 You look great.
你的血氧水平如何？ How's your blood oxygen level?
在水平之內 Oh, well within range.
很好 Nice.
我的兄弟納維德 Um, this is my brother, NAVEED.
- 你好 - 嘿 我是艾米麗 - Hi. Hi. - Hi. I'm Emily.
我聽說過很多你的事 I've heard lots about you.
很高興終於見到你了 It's so good to finally meet you.
是的 Yeah.
其實我有件事想告訴你 There's actually something I wanted to, uh, tell you.
好吧 我要出去下 Okay, well, I'm gonna just
- 再見了 - 再見 - Good-bye. - Bye.
再見 巴依 See you, Bhai.
你夠暖和嗎？ Are you warm enough?
是的 我穿了兩雙襪子 Yeah, yeah. I got my two pairs of socks on.
你介意嗎？ Do you mind?
不 No.
我很高興明天要回家了 I'm glad we're going home tomorrow.
我也是 Me, too.
我應該刷牙的 See? I should've brushed my teeth.
我喜歡 I like it.
當事情發生的時候 When something like this happens,
有－種期待 there's this sort of expectation
你會過上 that you're gonna have this completely,
全新的生活 like, new lease on life, and
感覺完全不同 feel totally different about everything,
就像珍惜每一個日出 and, like, cherish every sunrise,
最重要的是 and, like, for the most part,
我只是覺得 我不能這麼早起床 I just feel like, ugh, I can't get up that early.
你知道？ You know?
對不起 我覺得 I'm sorry, I feel like
我一直在說自己 I've been talking about myself so much.
不 No.
你演了很多脫口秀嗎？ Are you doing a lot of stand-up?
- 你 - 對 我 - Are you - Yeah. I, uh,
轟炸了我的蒙特利爾喜劇節試演 bombed my Montreal Comedy Festival audition.
很恐怖 像 Like, horrifically, like
我看了錄像 I saw the video.
是嗎 Yeah.
- 這不太好 - 不 - It wasn't great. - No No.
我跟你說實話 真的不太好 I'll be honest with you, it wasn't great.
不 我知道 No. I know.
但有很多我喜歡的 像是我喜歡的東西 But there was a lot I liked. Like a like a lot I liked.
我要搬去紐約 I'm moving to New York.
真的？ Really?
是的 Yeah, um
瑪麗 CJ 和我 Mary and CJ and I are, like
只需開車離開 地方都準備好了 Just gonna drive out, and we have a place all ready, and
- 你什麼時候離開？ - 下個週末 - When do you leave? - Next weekend.
我真為你高興 太棒了 I I'm so excited for you. That is so great.
你只要 Like, you are going to just
在紐約更好 do so great in New York.
你想說什麼？ What were you gonna say?
什麼？ What?
你說你要跟我說些什麼 You said you were gonna say something to me.
是什麼？ What was it?
呃 我只是 嗯 我想謝謝你 Oh, just that I, um, I wanted to thank you.
我父母告訴我 Uh, my parents told me
你為我做的一切 everything that you did for me,
我覺得我們最後－次談話 and I feel like the last time we spoke,
我沒有好好謝謝你 所以 I didn't properly thank you, so
嗯 是的 Oh. Yeah.
完全沒問題 Totally fine.
也許我該走了 I should probably go.
- 你想叫優步嗎？ - 不 實際上 我走路 - Do you want to call an Uber? - No, I'm gonna walk, actually.
所以 這真是太棒了 So, this has been really great.
好吧 All right.
- 好的 再見 - 嗯 - Okay, bye. - Yeah.
你們不在了 The scene is gonna be, like,
場子不一樣了 so different with you guys gone.
你也應該出來 Well, you should come out.
不 我很好 No, I'm I'm good here.
- 我會想你的 - 我會想你的 - I'm gonna miss you. - I'm gonna miss you.
走吧 你們這些混蛋 Get out of here, you assholes.
好吧 All right.
過來 你這個大笨蛋 Come here, you big dummy.
- 再見 - 我會想你的 - Bye. - I'll miss you.
你還是被家庭開除的 You're still kicked out of the family.
但因為我們沒有適當的機會 But because we did not get a proper chance
跟你說再見 所以 to say bye to you, so
你媽很生你的氣 Your mother is so angry with you.
她不會下車的 She's not going to get out of the car.
她根本不會看你 She's not even going to look at you.
我不相信你居然對你父親 I don't believe that you kept so much of secret
保守這麼多秘密 from me, your father.
抱歉 Sorry.
拿去 Here.
她讓我把這個給你 She asked me to give this to you.
新法烤米肉 Mutton biryani.
祝你旅行愉快 For your trip.
你最喜歡的 Your favorite.
她自己做的 特別為你 額外的馬鈴薯 She made it herself, specially for you, with extra potatoes.
謝謝 媽 Thank you, Ma!
- 她沒事吧？ - 現在？ - Is she okay? - Right now?
沒事 No.
我會想你的 I'll miss you.
我被禁止擁抱你 所以 I'm forbidden from hugging you, so
很高興你能成為我的兒子 it was nice to have you as my son.
永別了 Good-bye forever.
幫我個忙 當你到了紐約 And do me a favor, when you reach New York,
告訴我們 你已經安全到達 好嗎? just text us and tell us that you've reached safely, okay?
我會的 I will.
爸爸 我能問你點事嗎？ Dad, can I ask you something?
你和媽媽第一次約會的時候 When you and Mom went on your first date,
你們看什麼電影？ what movie did you see?
七兄弟 Satte Pe Satta.
我們最喜歡的歌 Her favorite song.
你為什麼要問？ Why you asking?
我只是好奇 I was just curious.
好吧 Okay.
- 我們走吧 - 我們走 - Let's do it. - Let's do it.
- 好的 - 好吧 - Okay. - All right.
- 再見 夥計 - 我們走 - See you later, dudes. - Let's do it.
- 再見 - 我們會發短信 - See you. - Hey, we'll text.
- 對不起 - 一定要發 - Ooh, sorry. - Yeah, please do.
我第一次來美國的時候 So, the first time I came to America,
我才14歲 I was, like, 14,
我只是去紐約看望我叔叔 and I was just visiting my uncle in New York,
剛好是感恩節 and it just happened to be Thanksgiving.
我在美國的第一天 我叔叔帶我 My first day in America, my uncle took me
去梅西百貨感恩節大遊行 to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
我以為美國每天都這樣 And I was like, "This is every day in America!"
像廣告一樣 As advertised.
每天 他們都有慶祝加菲貓的聚會 Every day, they have a party celebrating Garfield.
我終於等到了那一天 No day has lived up to that day.
我在騙我父母 I was, uh, lying to my parents,
我告訴他們我要當律師 I was telling them I was gonna be a lawyer.
他們都很失望 And they're very disappointed
他們希望我當醫生 'cause they wanted me to be a doctor.
為什麼不告訴他們 You guys are like, why didn't you just tell them
你想當醫生？ that you wanted to be a doctor?
這就像吹牛 It's a lie anyway, and I'm like,
必須有可信度 well, it has to be believable.
如果我告訴他們 「我想當醫生」 If I told them "I want to be a doctor,"
他們就會說 「胡說」 they'd be like, "Bullshit."
如果我說的是 「律師」 他們會說 「好吧」 If I said "lawyer," they're like, "Oh, okay.
那才像話 "That's something."
因為有嚴格的等級制度 'Cause there's a strict hierarchy.
醫生 工程師 律師 It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,
數以百計的工作 hundreds of jobs,
然後是喜劇演員 ISIS, then comedian.
啊 對不起 Ah, I'm sorry.
起哄喜劇演員是非常粗魯的 It's very rude to heckle comedians.
那不是起哄 Oh, that wasn't a heckle.
我只是想為你點贊 I just kind of whoo-hoo'd for you.
這是個常見的誤解 Well, see, that's a common misconception.
起哄不一定是消極的 Heckling doesn't have to be negative.
所以如果我說 「上帝」 你的床功好驚人 So if I was like, "Oh, my God, you're amazing in bed!"
這算 That would be a
起哄嗎？ heckle?
現在你獲得的笑聲比我還多 Yeah, and now you're getting more laughs than me,
我不喜歡這樣 and I don't like that.
你想上來干我的活嗎？ Do you want to come up, do my job?
讓我們來談談 Let's talk about
你是從外地來的嗎 女士？ So, are you from out of town, ma'am?
- 芝加哥 - 颳風的城市 - Chicago. - Ooh, Windy City.
什麼風把你吹來紐約？ And what brings you to New York?
- 來見個人 - 然後 嗯 - Here to see someone. - And, um
你見過他或她嗎？我不 Have you seen him? Or her? I mean, I don't
我不知道你的目的 但是 I don't know what your deal is, but
是的 我見過他 Yeah, I've seen him.