翻譯:Dusty 校對:Dusty 潤色: Dusty 聯繫方式QQ174898201
然後我說 "如果該法庭" So I said, "If opposing counsel's
"準備就蘭德格拉夫起訴亨森一案" "Invoking fiduciary liability precedent
"開先例的話" "Under the terms of landgraf v. Henson,
"法官大人 請便吧" "Your honor, please, by all means, go ahead,
"直接駁回原告的請求" "Rescind the plaintiff's de facto petition
"給他開限制令" "For injunctive relief."
太搞笑了 太搞笑了 It was fun. It was fun. Yeah.
失陪一下 先生們 我呆會再來 Excuse me, gentlemen. I'll be right back.
真搞笑 "限制令" So funny. "Injunctive relief."
正中我的笑點 That tickled my funny bone.
你好啊 尼克 What's up, Nick?
參加祖母的葬禮真是不好受 對吧 ? Fucking sucks dick about grandma, huh?
是的 Yeah.
祖母就這樣被謀殺了 Old woman fucking murdered like that.
尼克 她是因癌癥去世的 Nick, she had cancer.
這只是他們表面的說辭而已 That's what they want you to think.
她患了10年的癌癥了 She had cancer for 10 years.
死亡時間太巧了 傑森 A little too convenient, Jason.
完全不巧的 No, it's not, at all.
我們永遠也不會知道真相了 We'll never know the truth.
我們當然知道真相 We absolutely know the truth. Yeah.
祖母患了10年的癌癥去世了 Grandma had cancer for 10 years.
癌癥又殺不死人 傑森 ! You don't just die from cancer, Jason!
有幕後陰謀的 老兄 It's a conspiracy, man.
就像911事件一樣 Just like 9/11.
天啊 Oh, god.
告訴大家一件事 祖母的死因沒這麼簡單 For your information, grandma is not right here.
祖母被別人殺害了 Grandma is gone and she was taken from us.
- 我們必須找出幕後兇手 - 尼克 ! And we must find the man that did this. Nick! Nick!
- 快停下 - 嗷 ! Stop it. Ow, man!
這鞋是美邦的 There are rockport's.
我花錢新買的 Fuck, man. I just got these.
冷靜點... Calm down...
十字路口見了 祖母 I'll see you at the crossroads, grandma.
你幹嘛 ? 你非得挑現在發瘋 ? What are you doing? Are you kidding me? Right now?
你給我振作點 ! Hey, get your shit together!
我老爸和我未婚妻 My dad and my fiancee
就站在我們旁邊呢 are literally standing right next to us.
- 碧昂斯在這 ? - 沒 Beyonce's here? No.
你老爸和未婚妻邀請碧昂斯了 ? Your dad and fiancee are saying yes to Beyonce?
啥 ? 沒 What? No.
- 那Jay-Z也在這 ? - 你搞錯了 尼克 Is Jay-Z here, too? No, Nick.
- 那布魯·艾薇也在 ? - 尼克 Is blue Ivy here? Nick.
我是少數派 我覺得他倆的女兒長大後肯定很性感 I'm in the minority. I think their kid's gonna be hot.
- 這是啥 ? - 嗯 ? What is that? Hmm?
- 你幹嘛呢 ? - 我只是 What are you doing? I'm just...
你已經嗑嗨了 ? Are you fucking high right now?
沒有 這又不是... No, this isn't...
- 你已經嗑嗨了 - 這是電子香煙 You're high as a kite! It's an e-cigarette.
雖然裏面裝了點大麻 不過的確是電子香煙 It's filled with a little weed, but it's an e-cigarette.
成熟點吧 老兄 別這樣 Grow up, man! What are you doing?
"成熟點" ? 你又有多大 ? "Grow up"? How adult are you?
你有沒有過坐在沃爾沃裏聽國家公共電台 ? What, do you listen to npr in your Volvo?
- 有沒有過和客戶打回力網球 You play racquetball competitively
- 還拼盡全力 ? - 沒 against business associates? No. No.
有沒有過跟一對夫妻離家出走到一間出租房裏 You ever go away to a rented house with other couples
玩scattergories(一種遊戲) 獎品只是一瓶白葡萄酒 ? and then play scattergories over a bottle of white wine?
傑森 Jason.
啊... Uh...
我對著你祖母的遺像吐了口煙 I just blew a shot at your grandma's memory.
尼克 立刻給我振作點 Nick, get it together, right now.
收斂點 Lock it up.
我才不抱你 I'm not hugging you.
如果我抱你 你會不會收斂點 ? If I hug you, will you stop messing around?
吸我的二手煙吧 混蛋 Crop-dusted, motherfucker.
一口老煙噴死你 You just got crop-dusted.
匿已經吸嗨了 You're high now. You're high now.
離我遠點 Hey. Get the fuck away from me.
現在我倆都在葬禮上吸嗨了 Now we're both high at grandma's funeral.
我們已經永遠連接在一起了 We're bonded for life.
戴夫叔叔 十分抱歉 我們今天實在是太難過了 Uncle Dave, I'm sorry, man. It's a tough day.
可憐的祖父... Poor grandpa...
今天的第一段話來自聖經申命記第30章第19節 Our first reading is from deuteronomy 30:19.
"今日 我呼喚天堂與人世" "This day, I call the heavens and the earth
"作為你的見證人" "As a witness against you..."
"...世界早在你出生與死亡之前就已形成" "...that I have set before you life and death..."
寶貝 我找到了適合你 Hey, babe, I found the tie you're going to wear
星期天早上綵排的領帶 to the rehearsal brunch Sunday.
你喜歡珊瑚色還是淺橙色 ? Do you like the coral color or the salmon?
"...人生的路程並不是衝刺" "...that the race is not to the swift..."
都可以 Either one.
"...也不是對抗強敵" "...nor the battle to the strong."
寶貝 你怎麼了 ? Babe, what's wrong?
到底想要哪個顏色 ? Coral or salmon?
那你喜歡哪個 ? Well, what do you like?
我喜歡珊瑚色 I mean... I like the coral.
我也準備選這個 That's what I was going to say, too.
- 好的 - 好的 Okay, cool. Okay. Okay.
就決定是珊瑚色了 Coral it is!
今天肯定很特別 It's going to be a special day.
"...選擇生命" "...now choose life,
"才能讓自己和孩子存活下去" "So that you and your children shall live."
總之 我現在搬到瓦爾多斯塔市了 Anyway, I'm down in valdosta right now.
開了間寵物商店... I opened up a fucking pet shop...
說錯了 是"幼犬繁殖場" Not pet shop, "Puppy mill."
幼犬繁殖場... Puppy mill...
雖然這種方式培養的狗名聲不好 You know, designer dogs get a bad name,
但還是能買好大一筆錢 but they can go for quite a pretty penny.
- 真的嗎 ? - 只是想讓它們交配很困難 Really? It's just hard to get them to mate.
- 噢 - 因為 Oh. Because the little dogs,
小狗不想上大狗 they don't wanna fuck the big dogs,
而大狗也不想上小狗... and the big dogs, they don't wanna fuck the little dogs...
- 所以我得親自為他們服務 你懂的 - 噢 So I got to manually do it, you know. Oh.
我得手動給它們嫁接 I got to spread and manually shoot in.
- 是嗎 - 那你又有什麼故事 ? Uh-huh. So, what's up with you?
我最近挺忙的... Well, I'm keeping pretty busy...
很不錯 嗨 黛安阿姨 Cool. Hey, aunt Diane,
- 你好啊 - 嗨 尼克 how's it going? Hi, Nick.
嗨 尼克 Hey, Nick.
我只是不明白為什麼你非得 I just don't understand why you have to drive
明天就開車去弗羅裏達 老爸 down to Florida, tomorrow already, dad!
就在葬禮後的第二天 We just had the funeral.
你祖母和我每年 Your grandmother and I were there
都會去那裏 at this time every year.
她今年肯定也希望我去 It's what she would have wanted.
我很願意自己開車去 I'd drive down myself,
只是我的駕照被他們沒收了 except they took my license away.
那為什麼非得傑森開車載你去 ? But why does Jason have to be the one to drive you?
他工作這麼忙... He's so busy at work...
而且下周就要結婚了 Got the wedding coming up next weekend,
還有週五早上的綵排 the rehearsal brunch.
整個律師所都會來參加的 You know, the entire law firm is coming to this.
- 是真的 祖父 - 傑森... It's true, grandpa. Jason...
- 我們有很多事要忙 梅雷迪斯和我... - 我自己說就行 We have a lot of stuff, Meredith and I... I'll handle it.
說吧 Go ahead.
尼克表弟怎麼樣 ? 老爸 How about cousin Nick? Huh, dad?
為什麼不叫尼克帶你去 ? Why doesn't Nick do it?
我們店裏安了一個巧克力機器 We got this chocolate lab down at the store
各種噁心 that is just so horny,
每一次我觸碰開關 every time I touch the back of its ear,
巧克力就會泉涌出來 it just gushes cum.
- 額 好吧 - 就像潮吹一樣... Uh, okay. I mean, like a squirting...
這是你的狗 ? Is that your dog?
法律規定尼克 Nick isn't legally allowed
不能出喬治亞州 to leave the state of Georgia anymore.
從他高中開始我就沒見過他了 I've barely seen this guy since high school.
我幹嘛就不能花點時間陪陪他 ? What's wrong with spending some time with him?
噢 對你來說 花時間陪家人 Oh, so spending time with family
突然間就這麼重要了 ? is suddenly important to you now?
聽著 他明天早上來我家吃了早飯 Look, he can come here tomorrow morning for breakfast.
我們立刻出發晚上就能到目的地 We can drive down to boca during the day,
或許還能玩幾場高爾夫 maybe play a round of golf or two,
然後第二天他就能回到亞特蘭大來 then he'd be back here in Atlanta the next day.
他可不能連續消失2天 He can't just flake off for two days!
這風險和回報根本不成正比... The risk versus reward here is just...
我覺得不可行 I don't see it happening.
我只是說 祖母肯定希望我去 It's what she would have wanted, that's all.
但如果你實在是得為婚禮做準備 But if you have to get ready for your wedding,
真有這麼忙的話... if you're that busy...
我只是不懂為啥他非要叫你載他去 I just don't understand why he wants you to take him.
你倆關係根本就不親近 You're not even that close.
我們以前很親 Well, we used to be.
我小時候和祖父很合得來 Grandpa and I got along growing up.
我們每年聖誕節 We used to build these
都會造這些小火車 所以我準備把這個... model trains every Christmas, so I brought him...
我只是覺得 Well, it seems like we're cutting it
時間安排得有點緊了 a little close here, you know,
週五的婚禮綵排 with the rehearsal brunch on Friday...
我知道 我知道 I know. I know.
順帶一提 我沒找到 And by the way, I can't find any
為放映式準備的 of the Martha's vineyard vacation photos
瑪莎文雅島的照片 for the slide show.
我快瘋了 I'm just freaking out.
因為照片都在我電腦上 That's because they're on my laptop,
就在我手上 which I've got right here.
我會發給婚禮策劃人的 So I'll send them to the wedding planner.
你什麼都不用擔心 You don't have to worry about anything.
謝謝 噢 你爸說叫你上75公路 16公路會堵車 Thanks. Oh, and your dad says take 75, because 16 takes forever.
嗯 我知道 他把路線都規劃好了 Yeah, I know. He's got it all mapped out for me.
還有 我倆能換輛車嗎 親愛的 ? And can you take my car, sweetie?
我得用SUV去拉紅酒 Uh, I need the SUV for the wine.
祖父 ? Grandpa?
嗨 你來了 ! Hey! You made it!
稍等我下... Give me a minute...
我了個去 ! Oh, god! Shit!
抓我屁股 ! Grab my ass!
- 準備好上路了 ? - 十分抱歉 祖父 You ready to hit the road? I'm really sorry, grandpa.
沒想到你在看片 I didn't think you'd be doing that.
啊 你不就是看到我在擼管嗎 Ah, so you caught me taking a number three.
- 有啥大不了的 ? - 擼管 ? Big deal, right? Number three?
喝杯酒吧 Have a drink.
啊 不了 我要開車... Uh... no. I'm driving, so...
等我鍛煉完 I just got to finish up my exercises,
然後就上16公路 再駛進95公路 and then we'll hop on 16 to 95.
老爸說應該先上75公路再轉95公路 這樣距離更近 Dad says we should take 75 to 95. It's more direct.
你老爸滿口胡言 Dad's full of shit.
祖父 你確定你沒事嗎 ? Grandpa, are you sure you're okay?
順帶一提 很感謝你願意載我 Thanks for doing this, by the way.
車管局的混蛋們 Those fuckheads down at the dmv
把我的執照沒收了 took my goddamn license away
就因為我有白內障 because of these fucking cataracts in my eye.
但我技術可好著呢 But I can still hit the shit
毋庸置疑 out of a golf ball, that's for sure!
我在弗羅裏達預定了 I made a tee time for us in Florida
今天的下午茶 for this afternoon.
你可以用你祖母的女士高爾夫球棒 You can use your grandmother's lady clubs,
就擺在門口的 they're right there by the front door.
好吧 Okay.
準備好沒 ? All right, you ready?
不是要在家裏吃早餐嗎 ? I thought the plan was to have breakfast here?
你手上的就是早餐 That's your breakfast.
出門坐上你開的那娘炮車 Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in
然後趕緊上路吧 and get the fuck out of here.
你確定我開車可以喝酒嗎 祖父 ? You sure I should be driving with this, grandpa?
別擔心 如果灑出來了 Don't worry, if you spill it,
我們開的這輛衛生巾立馬就給你吸乾了 this giant tampon we're driving in should soak it up.
等我發完這條 Just finishing a work email
斯坦哈特案子的工作郵件... for the steinhart file...
所以說你現在加入你爸的律師事務所 對吧 ? So you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right?
沒錯 梅雷迪斯也在裏面 That's right, and Meredith is too.
她老爸是其中一個 You know, her dad is one of
任事股東 所以說... the managing partners there, so...
- 我知道 挺不錯的 - 嗯 I know, that's... Yeah.
這安排真是太方便了 It couldn't have worked out better.
我只是想著 Because it's just that I remember
你高中的時候 when you were in high school,
告訴我說你有多想成為攝影師 you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer,
出去周遊世界之類的 travel the world. That sort of thing.
你還記得當時我給你訂購的 You remember when I got you that subscription
<<时代杂志>嗎 ? to time magazine?
嗯 我以前是很喜歡攝影 但是... Yeah, I used to be into photography, but, um...
老爸是學法律的 所以說 I mean, with dad being at the firm, pfft,
在大學裏把專業 it just made so much more sense
選成法律學 to focus on a college curriculum
畢業後簡單得多 that stressed the law school track.
不過我很熱愛我的工作 祖父 I mean, I love what I do, grandpa.
作為公司律師可好玩了 Being a corporate lawyer is awesome,
我可以應付證券交易委員會的投訴... I get to handle sec compliance...
- 哇塞 ! - 是啊 No shit! Yeah. Yeah.
你可以應付證券交易委員會的投訴 ? You handle sec compliance?
勞動合約 Lp agreements.
老天啊 我之前都不知道 Oh, man, I didn't know that.
- 企業合約 - 開玩笑的吧 ! Llc agreements. You're shitting me!
當公司律師是有好處的 Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides.
知道我更願意做什麼嗎 ? You know what I'd rather do?
什麼 ? What?
我寧願讓奎恩·拉提法在空中 I'd rather let queen latifah shit in my mouth
一泡屎拉我嘴裏 from a fucking hot air balloon.
好了 我要去那邊的販酒店 That's me. I'm gonna hit the liquor store over there,
再買點烈性酒 get some more of the creature.
5分鐘後在娘炮車上見面 Meet you back at the dildomobile in five.
你來買單 再見 You're paying the check, Alan douche-owitz.
我認識那男的 他好面熟 Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar.
他簡直就一小白臉 He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch.
沒錯 還整一娘炮 Mmm, yeah, while j.Crew j'd-off.
我去 想起來了 他特別搞笑 Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny.
他是我大一時期的 He was my lab partner
攝影課搭檔 in photography class, freshman year.
我去 他是弗羅裏達畢業生 ? No shit! He's a Florida alum?
麗諾爾 這是你完成三連斬的好機會啊 Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta.
我的天 我已經上過畢業生了 忘了嗎 ? Oh, my god, I already have alum, remember?
我上了那個離婚後一直在哭的男人 托尼 I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony.
- 蛋蛋挺大那個 - 嗯 With the big balls. Right. Yeah.
- 在衛生間上的 - 嗯 In the porta-potty. Yeah.
- 就坐在馬桶上 - 嗯 At the tailgate. Yeah.
我還差教授 I need a professor.
等下 三連斬指的是哪3個 ? Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again?
我在書上看到的 It's this thing I read about
我在大四的時候必須上一個新生 where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman,
和一個畢業生 以及一名教授 an alumni, and a professor.
- 哪本書寫的 ? - 我的日記 Where did you read that? In my diary.
嗯 Hmm.
- 我自己寫的 - 嗯 Where I wrote it... Yeah.
他以前總是能拍出最美的畫像 He used to take the most beautiful portraits
而且根本不用濾鏡或者PS without using any filters or Photoshop...
我讀過你的日記 I've read your diary.
他特別厲害 He was amazing.
- 天啊 真的 ? - 是啊 Oh, my god, you did? Yeah.
你喜歡嗎 ? Did you like it?
你們根本沒在聽我說話 我要過去和他打聲招呼 You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him. Okay?
- 好 - 蕩婦 Cool. Slut...
希望你倆白頭到老 I hope you don't get Tommy hilfingered.
雖然遲到了這麼多年 不過也算數的 That was really late, but it still counts.
就和我的月經一樣... Just like all my periods...
- 噁 - 哈 ? Ew. What?
嗨 你好啊 ? Hi. How are you?
還好 這裏 不用找零了 Good. Here you go, you can keep the change.
額 我不是... Oh, no, no, no. I'm not... you...
啊哈 Uh-huh.
好吧 Okay.
額... Um...
大伙 聽我說 Guys? Guys, listen to me.
啥 ? What?
- 快走 - 啥 ? Let's go. Bitch, what?
- 閉嘴 趕緊走 ! - 老天啊 ! Shut the fuck up! Go! Oh, my god!
等下 Wait a minute.
吃完了嗎 ? You all set?
嗯 我把錢給另一個服務員了 Yeah, I just gave my money to the other waitress, sorry.
這裏又沒其他服務員 There is no other waitress.
從開店到現在只有我一個服務員... I'm the only one who's ever worked here. Ever...
該死 這破車偏要挑這時候出毛病 Shit! The fucking piece of shit car never starts!
喂 ! Hey!
我去 他還長得挺帥的 God, he's like a mitt romney Terminator.
打擾下 ! Excuse me!
抱歉 我已經下班了 Uh, sorry, my shift is actually over, so... sorry...
- 噢 不可能吧 - 幹嘛 ? Oh, no way. What?
- 我認識你 - 才不 I know you. No.
我記得的 你和我一起上的攝影課 Yeah, I do. You were in my photography class.
風景項目全被你搶了 對吧 ? You took all those landscapes. Right?
沙迪亞 Shadia.
對 沙迪亞 Yeah. Shadia.
我去 你是沙迪亞 Holy shit, you're shadia?
- 嗯 沙迪亞 - 沙迪亞 Yeah. Shadia. Shadia.
- 千年殺 ! - 你搞什麼鬼 ! Jamba! What the fuck!
沙迪亞 在阿拉伯語裏指的是"歌唱家" Shadia. It means "Singer" In arabic.
或者是在古阿拉伯語裏 Or in ancient arabic,
"Al-munshida alati tunadi lel-Mei." "Al-munshida alati tunadi lel-Mei."
英語裏是指"站在水邊呼喚的女子" Or, "She whose name calls others to water."
沒錯 That's actually right.
額 沙迪亞 他是我... Uh, shadia, this is my...
理查德博士 我在喬治亞大學教歷史 Dr. Richards. I teach history at the university of Georgia.
你是名教授 ? You're a professor?
是啊 怎麼了 想我給你加分 ? Yeah. Why? You looking for some extra credit?
傑森和我在寫一篇關於中東的文章 Jason and I are doing a story on the middle east.
他是<<时代杂志>的攝影師 He's a photographer for time magazine.
知道嗎 我的處女是玩賓果遊戲輸的 You know, I lost my virginity at my pop-pop's bingo night.
我叫麗諾爾 My name's lenore.
啊 "光輝的稀有侍女" Ah! "The rare and radiant maiden
"被命名為麗諾爾的天使" "Whom the angels named lenore."
"烏鴉說 永不超生" "Quoth the raven, 'nevermore.'"
進口貨 是吧 ? diplomaticos, huh?
你還真懂雪茄 Hey, you know your cigars.
怎麼 你是古巴混血嗎 ? What are you, half Cuban or something?
的確如此 教授 Actually, I am, professor.
- 下半身是 - 好吧 The bottom half. Okay.
- 我們準備上路了 - 嗯 Okay, yeah, we're heading out. Yeah.
很高興認識你 我們準備去代托納比奇玩一周 Good to see you. We're going to Daytona beach for the week.
老天啊 我們早在3小時前 Oh, my god, and we should have been there
就應該到目的地了 three fucking hours ago,
趕緊上路吧 小婊砸們 so let's go, bitches!
- 我去 - 幹嘛 ? Holy shit. What?
沒啥 你只是一身Gay氣 Nothing. You're just really gay.
噢 是嗎 你觀察力真強啊 Oh, am I? Thanks, captain gaydar.
我的天 我還是黑人呢 對吧 ? Jesus! You know, I'm also black, right?
是啊 的確很搞笑 Yeah, I know. That's funny, too.
你們要不要和我們一起 ? So you guys wanna tag along for a bit maybe?
再傳點後代進我們肚子裏 ? Party some babies into us?
- 絕對不要 ! - 絕對不要 ! Absolutely not! Absolutely not!
- 為什麼 ? - 我們 Why? We have
- 有場非常重要的下午茶 - 少來了 a very important tee time. Of course you do.
難道你玩麻將之前還要小憩一會嗎 ? And do you also have to take a nap before you play mahjong?
- 不是 是去玩沙狐球 - 沙狐球 No, it's shuffleboard. Shuffleboard.
然後4點還要吃晚餐 And then early dinner at 4:00.
我們有個打了好久的賭 誰高爾夫技術更好 We have a long-standing bet. Who's the better golfer.
很顯然我的球桿更好... Obviously I've got the bigger 3-wood...
很好 用你的球桿把你的球 Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls
擊進我陰道裏吧 right into my vagina.
- 我去 ! - 好了 進車裏來吧 Holy shit! Okay, we're going inside now.
- 老天啊 ! - 走了 玩夠了 Jesus! Let's go. That's enough.
- 拜 教授 - 多謝你請客吃午餐 Bye, professor. Thanks for lunch.
再見 ! Peace!
- 那女孩不錯 - 嗯 Nice girl. Yeah.
我看上去如何 ? Well? How do I look?
基得不行 Like the keynote speaker at a buttfucking convention.
- 啥 ? - 啥 ? What? What?
我們開車去第一洞 We're gonna write in the first hole,
很簡單的 it's an easy par-4.
- 不行 不行 - 上車 No, no, no, no. Hey... Jump in.
這樣是違反規則的 祖父 This is against the rules, grandpa.
去他媽的規則 趕緊上車 Fuck the rules. Jump in. Come on.
而且破壞了高爾夫禮節 Not to mention, a breach in golf etiquette.
嗶嗶嗶嗶 ! Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!
- 喔 喂 ! - 別擋路 基佬們 ! Whoa! Hey! Out of my way, buttfuckers!
搞錯沒 ? 你幹嘛呢 ? Really? What are you doing?
我得送這貨去參加基佬大會 We gotta get this guy to his buttfucking convention.
你幹嘛呢 老兄 ? What are you trying to do, man?
幹嘛橫衝直撞的 ? What was that all about?
嘿 這揮桿動作帥極了 Hey. Now there's a million-dollar swing!
抱歉 I'm sorry! Um...
你們先來吧 You can go in front of us if you want to.
我們技術實在不好 We are not very good.
沒 揮桿動作很好 No, it's a good cut,
你只是下蹲得不夠深 you're just not bending your knees enough.
我是職業高爾夫球員 介意我教你嗎 ? I'm a licensed golf pro. You mind if I show you?
好啊 麻煩了 Yes, please.
再蹲下去一點 對 Maybe bend over a little bit... here.
這樣感覺才對 對吧 ? That feels about right, doesn't it?
手抓住球桿 球桿 Hands on my shaft... The shaft.
等我也抓住 Let me just get my finger in there.
1 2 3... One, two, three...
噢 ! Oh!
- 天啊 ! 你看到沒 ? - 是啊 Oh, my god! Did you see that? Oh. Yeah.
謝謝你 ! Thank you!
你教高爾夫多久了 ? How long have you been teaching golf?
以前從宇航員退休起就開始了 Ever since I retired from being an astronaut.
很高興能在這見到你們這樣優秀的選手 It's nice to see some heavenly bodies around here too.
喂 祖父 你難道不覺得 Hey, grandpa, don't you think we should
我們應該自己開始打了嗎... 搞毛啊 ? probably start golfing soon... What the fuck?
幫我去撿下好嗎 乖 ? Wanna be a lamb and get that for me?
他剛才稱你為"祖父" ? Did he just call you "Grandpa"?
誰 佩佩 ? 他是智障 而且很嚴重 Who, pepe? He's a retard. Got it pretty bad, too.
他認為我是他祖父 He thinks I'm his grandpa.
他平時都只呆家裏畫海豚 He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day.
我們以前都會讓他單獨出門 We used to let him out on his own,
只是現在強姦犯這麼多 我們實在是... but the raping got so bad that we just...
找到了 Got it.
- 你倆要不要續一杯 ? - 好啊 - You guys want a refill? - Sure.
- 當然 - 我馬上回來 Absolutely! Brb!
我為我祖父道歉 I'm sorry about my grandpa.
他狀態不太好 He's, um... He's not doing too well.
我祖母昨天剛去世 My grandma just passed and the funeral was yesterday.
噢... Oh...
其實我是律師 不是智障 I'm actually a lawyer, not a retard.
我處理很多重要事務 I handle of lot of important issues.
證券交易委員會投訴 Sec compliance,
責任協議 合夥協議 之類的 llc agreements. Lp agreements. That sort of stuff.
額 我們準備上路了 Yeah, um, well, I think we're gonna get going.
很高興認識你 佩佩 Nice to meet you, pepe. Nice...
操 ! Fuck!
喔 喔 喔 ! 怎麼回事 ? Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened?
他們去哪了 ? 你做了什麼 ? Why are they going? What did you do?
幹嘛 ? 我說了事實 What? I told them the truth.
我告訴他們我下周要結婚了 I told them that I'm getting married next week,
而你狀態不好 因為你妻子過世了 and you're not well because your wife just died.
難道你是娘炮嗎 ? What are you, fucking vagina repellent?
那兩個美女想一起聚會的 ! Those cougars wanted to party!
- 他們想開聚會 ? - 沒錯 ! They wanted to party? Yes!
聽聽你自己的話 Do you hear yourself?
祖父 你現在是在逗我 ? 祖母才... Grandpa, are you kidding me right now? Grandma...
你這麼吵我怎麼聽得到 I'm trying to listen to myself.
昨天才舉行祖母的葬禮 ? Grandma's funeral was yesterday!
你今天就想撩大學女生了 ? Now you wanna hit on college girls?
還看黃片擼管 You're jerking off to porn?
- 你搞毛啊 ? - 傑森 我要做愛 ! What's wrong with you? Jason, I want to fuck!
老天啊... Oh, my god...
40年來我首次單身 For the first time in 40 years
我要做愛 I'm single and I want to fuck.
我要干到天荒地老 I want to fuck until my dick falls off.
我要干死一匹馬 然後喝光它的血 I want to fuck a horse and I wanna drink its blood!
我要吐了 I'm gonna throw up.
40年來 我每天都 I was faithful to your grandmother
終於你祖母 every day for 40 years,
即使是跟年期和癌癥我都熬過來了 even through the menopause, even through the cancer.
她是我一生的最愛 She was the love of my life.
我每天都會想念她 I'll miss her every goddamn day.
但是她在臨終之時是這樣給我說的 But she told me on her deathbed,
"你再找一個能陪你的人" "You get back out there again."
我都15年沒做愛了 傑森 I haven't had sex in 15 years, Jason,
我要做愛 我要做愛 ! and I want to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
原來是這麼回事是吧 ? Oh, so that's what this is all about?
你根本不是想花時間陪我 This whole thing. You didn't want to be with me.
你只是想讓我開車 You wanted me to drive you down to boca
載你來這邊陪你撩妹 ? so I could be your fucking wingman?
很顯然我犯了個大錯 Well, obviously I made a bad decision
因為你簡直就是個老媽子 because you're nothing but a cock-blocking machine.
我都不知道你這算啥 I don't know what you are.
你就像以色列"鐵穹"防禦系統 You're like the Israeli iron dome defense system,
但是發射的是娘炮 而不是導彈 but with vaginas instead of missiles.
- 啥 ? - 你簡直就是個 What? You're like some sort of
壞好事終結者 cock-blocking Terminator
從未來派到現在來壞人類的羞羞事的 sent back from the future to cock-block humans.
噢 Oh!
機器人們應該派你去的 The robots should have sent you
而不是阿諾·斯瓦辛格 instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger,
你能很輕鬆的就壞了約翰·康納父母的羞羞事 you could have cock-blocked John Connor's parents
而救世主康納就不會出生 ! and he would never have been born!
閉嘴吧 祖父 ! Shut up, grandpa!
- 閉嘴 ! - 你到底搞什麼鬼啊 ? Shut up! What got into you?
我還記得你高中的時候 I remember you in high school,
你簡直就是整個校園的 you were ripping people's dicks off
頭號猛男 on the football field,
一心想著周遊世界 ! talking about traveling the world!
而你現在卻在律師事務所整理文件 Now you're pushing some papers at a fucking law firm
而且估計你小便都是坐著的 and probably peeing sitting down.
祖父 我不知道你是 Grandpa, I don't know what you thought
怎麼安排這個週末的 this weekend was going to be about,
但我只為一個目標而來 but I came here for one reason,
就是送你到弗羅裏達 to get you to boca.
僅此而已 That's it.
好吧 Fine.
現在可以玩高爾夫了嗎 ? Now can I please play some golf?
- 他媽的高爾夫 - 好吧 Fucking golf. Okay.
自大的壞好事基佬 Cocky mcblockerson.
搞毛啊 ? What the fuck?
崩 ! Bam!
誰幫你交的稅啊 ? 壞好事事務所 ? Who does your taxes? H&r cock-block?
別鬧了 Stop it.
崩 ! Bam!
你現在還憋著那股壞好事的勁嗎 ? Are you still Jenny from the cock-block?
搞毛啊 ? 你對我屁股到底有啥不滿 ? What the fuck! What is your obsession with my ass?
你手機震動了 Your vibrator's on.
反正你也進不去 You can't get into it anyway
你又不知道我密碼 because you don't know my code.
看來你祖父還記得你的生日 ! Looks like your grandpa remembered your birthday!
啥 ? 還給我 ! What? Give me that!
我們要去代托納比奇玩了 We're going to fucking Daytona.
我們才不去代托納比奇 We're not going to Daytona,
高爾夫車鑰匙在我手上 because I've got the keys to the golf cart.
你幹嘛呢 ? What are you doing?
喂 Hey.
你怎麼做到的 ? How'd you do that?
來不來 娘炮 ? Coming or staying, Jack dicklaus?
- 祖父 ? - 趕緊上車了 Grandpa? Hurry up, bubba twatson.
祖父 停車 Grandpa, stop.
你個小娘炮 Gary player-with-my-balls.
把車停下 ! Stop the cart!
你就喜歡被別人上吧 Fred couples-of-big-dicks- in-your-ass.
老天啊 祖父 快停下 ! Oh, my god. Grandpa! Stop!
還喜歡別人射你臉上吧 Michelle wies-all-over-my-face.
這才對嘛 Now, this is what I'm fucking talking about.
簡直是瘋了 This is so fucked up.
別擔心 你可以和你喜歡的那個 Calm down, you'll get to hang out
吉普賽女郎一起玩 with that gypsy girl you like.
- 我又不喜歡她 - 你當然喜歡了 I don't like her. Oh, yes, you do.
所以你當時才沒有 That's why you didn't deny
否定你不是<<时代杂志>攝影師的事 being a photographer for time magazine.
你去和她玩 You can hang out with her,
而我就可以和麗諾爾上床 I can have vaginal sex with lenore.
皆大歡喜 完事後還能 It all works out! We can even go visit
- 去見見我的老戰友 臭臭 - 臭臭 ? my old army buddy, stinky. Stinky?
他們在哪個酒吧 ? Which tiki bar are they in?
該死 該死 Oh, shit. Shit. Shit.
- 怎麼了 ? - 梅雷迪斯的電話 What's that? It's Meredith.
請還給我 我必須接才行 Please, I've got to answer that.
- 叫她滾粗吧 - 祖父 ! Ah, tell her to fuck off. Grandpa!
我先檢查下你手機上的睪酮級別 I'm just gonna check the testosterone levels on your phone first.
祖父 馬上把手機還給我 ! Grandpa, give me my phone now!
不出所料 級別很低 Just as I thought. Pretty low.
是梅雷迪斯打的電話 該死 ! This is Meredith calling... Shit!
瞧你幹的好事 Now, look what you did,
你把手機丟進這車的陰道裏了 you dropped it in the car's vagina.
該死 我得用免提了 God damn it, I have to put it on speaker.
- 一句話也別說 - 不會說的 Don't say anything. I will not say a word.
蛋蛋 ! Ballbags!
嗨 是誰在說話啊 ? Hey! Who was that?
誰也不是 我們在餐廳裏呢 抱歉 No one. We're in a restaurant. Sorry.
"誰在說話啊 ?" "Who's that?"
- 怎麼了 ? - 好的... What's up? Okay...
我真的非常希望 Well, I really want them
把我們的婚禮啟事 to post our wedding announcement
發表到<<纽约时报>網站上去 on the New York times website
趕在週五綵排之前 before our rehearsal brunch Friday,
我只是想和你商量下 so I just wanted to run your section back to you.
額 我現在不太方便和你商量 Yeah, you know, now's really not a good time...
傑森 ? 能趕緊商量好嗎 ? Jason? Can we just do this please?
"能趕緊上路好嗎 ?" "Can we do this now?"
"傑森·理查德·凱莉 是誰的兒子 ?" "Jason Richard Kelly, son of..."
"包皮垢博士的" "Doctor smegma Von boxmunchers."
"戴維和布魯克" "David and Brooke,
"是哪間律師事務所的初級合夥人 ?" "Is a junior associate at the law firm of..."
"娘炮事務所 !" "Cream pie fart and donkey punch!"
- 夠了 是誰在說話 ? - 誰也不是 只是個服務員 Okay, who is that? It's no one. It's a waiter
他話比較多 with pretty bad tourette's, I think...
他一直在走過去走過來的大喊 He just keeps walking by yelling weird shit,
我也不知道為啥... I don't know why...
好吧 你們是在哪間餐館 ? Okay, well, what restaurant are you at?
我都聽不清你說話了 I can barely even hear you now.
我們在... We're at Chuck E. Cheese's...
代托納比奇 ! Daytona fucking beach!
- 代托納比奇 ! - 沒錯 夥計 Daytona fucking beach! You're right, buddy!
你們在代托納比奇 ? You're in Daytona beach?
額... Uh...
聽著 我們只是路過代托納比奇 Listen, we're just driving through Daytona beach.
- 我們正趕去祖父的... - 傑森 ! We're en route to grandpa's... Jason!
我不知道你們為啥在代托納 I don't know why you're there,
但你最好今晚到祖父家之後 but you'd better call me from your grandfather's house
立馬給我打電話 懂沒 ? when you get there tonight, okay?
好的 寶貝 我愛你... - Of course, baby. - I love you so much...
- 操 ! - 婚姻本來就很困難 Fuck! Marriage is hard.
那個性感女大學生回了什麼信息沒 ? What'd the hot college girls text back?
祖父 你發什麼消息給他們呢 ? Grandpa, what are you texting them?
- 發個信息而已 - 什麼內容 ? I just texted them. What are you texting them?
"我們在沙灘上見" "We'll meet you on the beach."
對 我還加了那個吐舌笑臉的表情 Yeah, and I added the emoji with the wink and the tongue out.
我可沒開玩笑 祖父 I'm not kidding, Grandpa.
你明白如果我今晚 You realize that if I don't call her
不用你家的電話打給她的話 from your house in Boca tonight,
我就徹底完蛋了 I'm fucked, man, I'm fucked.
老天啊 感覺你這是 Jesus. Sounds like you're marrying
娶了個保釋官 your fucking parole officer.
梅雷迪斯就這樣 It's just Meredith. It's the way she is, man.
她如果不知道 She just gets, like, anxious
我的人身地點 她就會很焦慮 when she doesn't know exactly where I am.
不用慌 人類都這樣 Don't panic. It's organic.
嗯 我知道 夫妻經常會吵架 Yeah, I know. Couples get in fights all the time.
但是梅雷迪斯不一樣 But it's different with Meredith.
她的吵架方式很特殊 She takes it to another level, man,
而且我向你保證 如果 and I'm telling you, if I don't call her
我不拿你房子的電話打給她 我絕對完了 from your house in Boca, I'm screwed.
是啊 我們的時間可不是用來吵架的 Well, ain't nobody got time for that.
嗯 我知道 Yeah, I know. Clearly.
所以我才不明白 Which is why I don't understand
為什麼我們還在這耽擱 how we got so far off schedule.
噢... 生活本來就是大起大落 Oh... Sometimes life is just a fart zone,
風險全由你承擔 and you enter at your own risk.
你剛說的話 Have you been reading shit
都是從太陽鏡和T恤上看到的 ? off the shot glasses and the shirts in here
然後還拿出來當智言 ? and just saying it like it's wisdom?
我很嚴肅的好嗎 I was seriously trying to talk to you, man.
你明白風險有多高嗎 ? Do you realize the stakes here?
- 你真是無法理喻 ! - 笑一個 You're ridiculous! Smile.
你身上一直有部手機 ? You've had a phone this entire fucking time?
你還有什麼是我不瞭解的 ? What else don't I know about you?
你又是怎麼會說阿拉伯語的 ? How the hell do you know how to speak Arabic?
老爸從來沒提起過這事 Dad's never said anything about that.
那是因為你爸 That's because your dad
都不怎麼瞭解我 doesn't really know much about me.
他的大部分童年時光我都在軍隊裏 I was away with the army during most of his childhood.
所以我們並不親近 So we were never that close.
所以他才不喜歡你 ? Is that why he doesn't like you?
這裏沒有員工嗎 ? Anybody work here?
所有人都給我趴到地上 ! Okay, everybody on the fucking floor!
我這是搶劫 ! This is a goddamn robbery!
都趴下 ! On the fucking ground!
我了個去 你們真該看看自己的表情 ! Oh, my God, you should see your faces!
我只是出去吃午飯 順便拿下這個馬面具 I just left to grab lunch and a new horse mask.
我自己的面具那天在沙灘上弄丟了 呼 ! I left mine at the beach the other day. Whoo!
我還以為你要被嚇尿了 小白臉 I thought you were gonna shit your pants, little guy.
不過槍是真的 Gun's real though.
搞毛啊 老兄 ! What the fuck, man!
放鬆點 這裏可是佛羅里達 Relax, this is Florida.
任何人都可以攜帶槍支 Everything's a licensed gun range.
你把牆都射穿了 ! You just shot through a wall, man!
- 嘿 - 路上有行人呢 ! Hey... There's pedestrians outside!
再強調一次 這裏可是弗羅裏達 行人根本不重要 Yeah, again, it's Florida! These people don't matter.
- 啥 ? - 那麼 ? What? So?
歡迎來到我的小店 Welcome to Tam Pam Surf Slam.
請問能幫你們什麼忙 ? 我叫帕姆 What can I do for you gentlemen? I'm Pam.
你叫帕姆 ? You're Pam?
對 是昵稱 Yeah. It's a nickname.
真名叫帕梅拉 Real name's Pamela.
喂 夥計們 絕對不行 ! Hey, no, guys! Absolutely not!
我絕對不會在這家店裏向你們販賣毒品 ! I will not ever sell you drugs out of this establishment!
我們又沒讓你販毒 We didn't ask you to sell us drugs.
很好 你們不是警察 Okay, cool. You're not cops.
既然這樣 In which case,
歡迎來到毒品店 ! welcome to drugs!
- 老天啊 - 我很有原則 Oh, my God. Now, I'm pretty cool,
所以我只賣自然生長的毒品 so I only sell the stuff that occurs naturally.
有大麻 有蘑菇 有冰毒 So I got weed, I got mushrooms, I got meth.
- 冰毒 ? - 對 Meth? Yeah.
這怎麼算自然生長了 ? How is that natural?
因為是在我巴爾的摩的地下室裏自然生長的 Well, it occurs naturally in my cousin's basement in Baltimore,
如果你懂我意思的話 if you know what I mean.
好吧 Okay, fine.
你們不吸毒 懂了 Drugs aren't your thing, got it.
信息已收到 Message received.
這樣的話 In which case,
聽著 這裏有家很棒的慈善機構 listen, we got a great local charity here.
"帕姆的孩子們" Pam's Kidz.
- 什麼意思 ? - 也就是我的小孩們 What's Pam's Kidz? That's my kids.
我和六個不同的女人生了四個孩子 I got four kids by six different women.
我知道 這數字不對頭 I know, the numbers don't add up.
他們大多數都發育性殘疾了 Most of them are pretty developmentally disabled.
其中一個還得坐輪椅 One of them you gotta push around in a wheelchair.
嘿喲 ! Hey-o!
這才是人類的美德 Now that is the generosity of the human spirit
十分感激你 and I appreciate that.
其中一部分錢會用來給我養小孩 Now some of this money is gonna feed my kids,
其中一部分會用來給我付口交費 some of it is gonna get me a blowjob
付給麥當勞餐廳垃圾箱旁的無牙妓女 by a toothless whore behind the dumpster down at the McDonalds.
- 嗨 - 嗨 Hey. Hey.
嗨 教授 Hi, Professor.
這個躺在沙灘上的大美女是誰啊 Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach.
謝謝 Thank you.
我指的其實是他 I was actually talking to him.
剛見面就這麼咄咄逼人 我回酒店去了 Yup! Immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel.
回去的時候記得別加入不明基佬組織 Just try not to join the cast of Rent on the way back!
有教授了 百萬富翁也有了 So we got the Professor, you got the millionaire.
還有誰要來加入啊 ? How's the rest of the Gilligan's Island cast?
沒誰了 We're good.
- 是嗎 ? - 嗯 Yeah? Yeah, everyone's good.
好吧 Well, that's good.
這沙灘真棒 Copacetic on the island.
你照片拍得如何了 ? How are those washed-out pictures you're taking
你的閃光燈還開著呢 because you still have the lighting optimizer on?
不是... 怎麼調來著 ? They're not... Where is that?
這些新60D型號 Actually, it's really hypersensitive
特別敏感 on the new 60D model.
你得... So you have to...
- 等下 這是啥 ? - 別看 - Wait. What is that? - Okay, nope.
- 你幹嘛呢 ? - 還給我 What are you doing? Give it back, Malibu Ken.
- 不會吧 - 怎麼 ? No... What?
你居然變成那種人了 You did it. You turned into one of those people.
我變成了那種 I turned into one of those people
關心世界的人 ? that gives a shit about something?
難道你還要把自己和北極熊拷在一起嗎 ? Are you gonna chain yourself to a polar bear?
除非借給我這... Only if you let me borrow...
這啥 沙灘毛衣 ? What is this, a beach sweater?
- 對 - 怎麼 你才剛滑雪回來嗎 ? Yeah. What, did you just come from skiing?
對 我才滑完 Yeah, I skied in,
好看你拯救世界 just to see you save the world.
一件事一件事的來嘛 One Jell-O shot at a time.
擊掌 ! High-five!
要不要我給你抹後背 ? You want me to do your back?
除非你先抹前面 Only if you promise to do my front first.
很樂意 Gladly.
噢 哎喲 Oh. Whoops!
一時失手 That never usually happens.
是嗎 ? 我倒是經常體驗這種感覺 Really? It happens to me all the time.
- 猜猜看剛是誰在海里拉屎了 - 嗷 ! Well, guess who just took a shit in the water? Ow!
我們找你們一整天了 We've been looking for you bitches all day.
你們跑哪去了 ? Where the fuck have you been?
我們的車在奧蘭多拋錨了 Uh, our car broke down in Orlando.
你都不看手機的嗎 ? Do you ever look at your cell phone?
真棒 Awesome.
這群娘炮是誰啊 ? Who are these cunt punches?
他們是我們朋友 These are our friends that we met
開車來這的途中認識的 這是科迪和布拉 on the way down. Yeah. That's Cody and Brah.
他們是弗羅裏達長曲棍球隊的 They're on the lacrosse team at Florida.
他玩長曲棍球 ? This guy plays lacrosse?
我可是參加過大會的 夥計 All-conference, brah!
是嗎 ? 糖尿病大會 ? Yeah? Which one, the fucking Diabetes Conference?
好了 我們準備去和那邊那群蠢貨比喝酒了 All right, we're about to boat race a bunch of those fucks
一群來自喬治亞大學的蠢貨 所以先失陪了 from the University of Georgia up in the room. So...
天啊 他也是喬治亞大學的 Oh, my God! University of Georgia!
- 不會吧 你是喬治亞大學的 ? - 的確是 No way! You're a Hornet? Afraid so.
那你倆也應該參加啊 Well, you guys should get in there then,
老夥計 Edward Jizzumhands.
謝謝 我們會參加的 Well, thank you. We will.
太好了 那到時候見了 Good, that's great. I'll see you up there.
好的 你說了算 Oh, good. Well, you say we'll be there
我們準時到 and on time.
很好 就等你了 Sweet. I will. Yeah.
嗯 我們走吧 Yeah, let's do that.
現在就去吧 No, we should. Let's do it now.
嗯 到時候見 Yeah, I'll see you up there. What...
到酒店的泳池來 Come to the hotel. By the pool.
喬治亞輸定了 ! Georgia sucks!
我們能回家了麼 ? 她們已經有男票了 Can we please just go? They've got boyfriends.
那兩個白癡 ? 他們可不是倆妹子男票 Those meatdick fucks? They're not their boyfriends.
他們只是大四的學生 They're just seniors,
他們只是畢業壓力太大 and they're all just terrified and speed-fucking each other
一起上床緩解壓力而已 before the ship goes down.
你從不參加春假旅行的嗎 ? Didn't you ever go on Spring Break?
沒 我沒參加春假旅行 No, I didn't go to Spring Break,
我當時在學習法律 'cause I was studying for law school.
再說了 我的酒量已經 Besides, I can't chug alcohol anymore
沒以前好了 like I used to, Grandpa.
我一喝酒就會吐 I've developed, like, a gag reflex.
- 嘔吐 ? - 嗯 A gag reflex? Yeah.
只是喝酒而已 You're chugging a beer,
又不是叫你吞馬屌 not taking down a horse cock, Jason.
走吧 Come on.
喬治亞大學加油 ! Go Hornets!
喬治亞大學 耶... Go Hornets, yeah...
你知道的吧 這些妹子其中一人有皰疹 Hey, you know, one in three of these girls has herpes.
表面上看不見的 Even if you can't see it.
老天啊 閉嘴好嗎 Oh, Jesus. Nut the fuck up.
這只是場大學聚會而已 你個娘炮 安啦 ! It's just a college party, you nance. Chill!
你們在這啊 Hey, here they are.
我準備去拿點啤酒 你要什麼 小基佬 ? I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes?
要不要給你來點好喝的 ? 要王老吉嗎 ? You want some of dat drank? Some of dat purple drank?
還是說給你來點 Some of dat purple-ass muthafuckin'
東三雪碧 ? pimp-dick drank?
你到底是誰啊 ? Who the fuck are you?
這搖滾樂真夠勁 It's a pretty rockin' party.
呼 Whoo.
是"Who Let the Dogs Out" Who let the dogs out?
對吧 ? Am I right?
小鮮肉 在開始之前 Sir, before we start, would you prefer
你要不要來點汽水壓壓胃 ? if we gave you a spritzer to chug?
- 啊... - 給你瓶格瓦斯 ? Ah... Maybe a Pinot Noir?
你輸定了 老傢伙 You're going down, old man.
沒人比我更能喝 Nobody chugs like me.
我相信你 你肯定喝了好多年布拉的精液了 I bet. You've been chugging Brah's cum for years.
上吧 Let's go.
喝 ! Chug!
喝 喝 ! Go! Go! Chug!
還挺好玩的 It's actually kind of fun.
嗯 其實我還沒完全 Yeah, I'm not really, you know, for sure,
確定... per say...
畢業之後該做什麼 what we're doing after graduation.
我的意思是 I mean,
- 有人邀請我們... - 吧啦吧啦 we have offers to play... Blah, blah, blah...
去歐洲打職業長曲棍球 professional lacrosse in Europe,
- 但是也有群星探... - 嗶嗶嗶嗶 but a bunch of agents... Words, words, words...
想讓我們當模特 所以... also want us to start modeling, so...
再問一遍 這些事裏都包含了這個死胖子 ? And again, we're talking about this fat fuck right here?
大伙們... You guys...
你們快來看啊 Uh, you have to come see this right now.
好的 我們隊贏了 ! All right, our team won!
來買點本地毒品吧 Let's celebrate by buying local drugs
賣家是信譽良好的本地毒販 from a reputable, local drug dealer.
嗨 你在這幹嘛呢 ? Hey, what are you doing here?
我在這賣毒品啊 I'm selling drugs, man.
我準備讓小孩上幼兒園呢 I'm trying to put my kid through preschool.
你真夠誠實的 ! How honest is that!
你就摸我臉吧 兄弟 Touching my face a lot, bro.
多摸摸看 Touching my face a whole lot, man.
來點這個吧 絕對爽歪歪 Why don't you take some of this. This'll mellow you out.
- 這是啥 ? - 電子香煙啊 夥計 What is it? E-cig, bro.
裝大麻的吧 ! "E" Is for "Weed"!
你喜歡就好 Sure, why not?
這口真夠大的 Yeah, ooh, that's a big... That's a big one.
噢 ! Oh!
呼 ! Whoo!
慶幸你抽的不是這根吧 這可是霹靂可卡因 ! Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man. This is crack!
- 啥 ? - 沒錯 What? Oh, yeah!
這根... 等下... This one... Oh, wait a minute...
好像你手上那只才是可卡因 而我這根才是大麻 Maybe that one's crack and this one's weed.
等下 你怎麼又犯傻了 帕姆 ? Hang on. What'd you do now, Pam?
操 等下 到底哪只是可卡因 ? Fuck. Hold on. Which one's crack?
好吧 我來說明下 別被嚇到了 Okay. I got this. Don't freak out.
抱歉讓你擔憂了 老兄 你肯定不會相信的 Sorry to worry you, man. You're not gonna believe this.
兩根都是可卡因 They're both crack.
啥 ? What?
而你抽的那口量 And you have taken an amount
估計30分鐘後你就死了 that will probably kill you in about 30 minutes.
- 我抽的是可卡因 ? - 是啊 I just smoked crack? Yeah.
而且是很大一口 But just, like, a lot.
我抽了可卡因 I just smoked crack.
我抽了可卡因 ! I just smoked crack!
美國 ! Usa!
我就說嘛 Told you.
他沒事的 只是喝醉了而已 He's fine. He's just a little drunk.
呼 ! Whoo!
大家都愛可卡因 ! Everybody loves crack!
小蜜蜂也愛可卡因 Bee loves crack.
小蜜蜂也愛可卡因 Bee loves some crack.
我們最好去幫幫他 We should probably go help him.
蟄死你 ! Sting? You're stung!
我去 我找到蜂后了 Oh, shit, I just found my queen.
好了 All right.
我們去幫他 Okay, let's help him.
借過下 傑森 ! Excuse me. Jason!
- 傑森 - 傑森 Hey, Jason. SHADIA: Jason.
傑森 Jason. Jason.
呼呼 Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
我要永生了 ! I'm gonna live forever!
聚會開始 ! Party on!
該死 ! Oh, shit!
1 2 3... One, two, three...
- 喂 ? - 你到底跑哪去了 ? Hello? Where the fuck have you been?
額... Uh...
昨晚我們 We got to Grandpa's a
到祖父家比預想中晚了些 little bit later than we thought last night,
而我的手機充電器壞了 and my phone charger wasn't working.
好吧 我們錯過了 Well, you know we missed the deadline
在<<纽约时报>上發表結婚啟事的時間 for our wedding announcement to be in the Times.
你現在在哪 ? 在附近嗎 ? Where are you? Are you close?
額... Um...
聽著 昨晚祖父特別傷心 Listen, Grandpa got really upset last night.
所以我今天 So I'm just getting
上路比較晚 a little bit of a late jump here.
我想讓你看看給伴娘配的花 I want to show you the bouquets for the bridesmaids.
把攝像頭打開吧 So switch to FaceTime, okay?
該死 寶貝 祖父家的網絡信號不是太好 Shit! Baby, the reception at Grandpa's isn't very good...
傑森 趕緊打開 ! Jason, just fucking do it!
好的 馬上就好 正在切換 Okay, one second. Switching over.
操操操 ! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
你臉上的是沙子 ? Is that sand on your face?
是木屑而已 It's just sawdust
我之前車庫幫祖父整理... because I was helping Grandpa in the garage, so...
所以我臉上很自然的沾上了木屑 I naturally got the dust of the saw on the face.
- 嗨 寶貝 - 傑森 Hi, honey. Jason.
老媽 ? 老爸 ? Mom? Dad?
你臉上怎麼有墨水 ? Is that writing on your face?
噢 我昨晚睡前在寫結婚誓言... Oh! I was working on my vows late last night and...
嗯... Hmm...
然後我睡著了 所以臉上有墨水... And I fell asleep and I got some pen on my face, so...
是啊 事實肯定就是如此 Yeah, that must be the exact thing that happened.
梅雷迪斯把我們叫過來是因為 Yeah, Meredith called us because
她昨晚一整晚都沒你的消息 she hadn't heard from you all night.
我們請了位拉比來寫婚禮誓言 We got the rabbi here to work on the vows.
你好啊 傑森 Boker tov, Jason.
嗨 你好 Hey. Shalom.
傑森 說真的 你額頭上畫的是啥 ? No, Jason, really... What is on your forehead?
是由丁丁組成的納粹十字 It's a swastika of penises.
才不是 No, that's not what it is.
而且栩栩如生的射了你一臉 Acting as a pinwheel of ejaculate...
不是不是 是視頻聊天的特效而已 No, no, no, it's a FaceTime effect.
現在好多小孩都這麼玩 All the kids are using them these days.
還有光明節的特效 看到沒 ? There's a Hanukkah one. See?
我覺得丁丁納粹十字比這個還好看 I don't like that one as much as the swastika full of dicks.
好了 我們來討論一下婚禮誓言吧 Okay, let's discuss the wedding vows.
傑森 你先告訴我們你為什麼 Jason, why don't you begin by telling us all
喜歡梅雷迪斯吧 what it is you like about Meredith.
好 我從哪開始說啊 她那麼... Yeah, where do I start? She's...
你好啊 Hello.
額... Uh...
你好啊 小蜜蜂 Hello, buzzy bee.
啥 ? What?
如果你想不出有啥優點 If you can't think of anything,
就說她外表好看啊 白癡 lean into them looks, dawg.
我能摸摸小蜜蜂嗎 ? Can I touch buzzy bee?
我已經愛了她... 你不能摸小蜜蜂 ! I've loved her for... No, you can't touch buzzy bee!
額... Um...
我喜歡她的... I love the way that she, um...
你幹嘛呢 ? 快住手 ! What are you doing? Stop it!
滾蛋 ! 你要害我惹... 趕緊滾粗 ! Go away! You're getting me in... Fuck, go away!
你的小蜜蜂好多毛啊 ! Your buzzy bee looks so fluffy!
他說什麼呢 ? What did he say?
我不知道該從哪說起 I just don't know where to start.
- 讓我摸摸小蜜蜂 ! - 不能給你摸 ! Let me touch buzzy bee! You can't have the bee!
啥 ? What?
我要玩小蜜蜂 ! I want to stroke the bee!
不能給你玩 ! You can't stroke the bee! Okay?
- 我要親小蜜蜂 ! - 不能給你親 ! - I want to kiss buzzy bee! - You can't kiss the bee!
我喜歡她親吻的方式 I love the way that she kisses.
- 你個熊孩子 ! - 喂 ! Ow! Kid! MAN: Hey!
- 我的天啊 - 喂 ! Oh, my God... MAN: Hey!
- 死變態 ! - 完蛋了 Fucking pervert! Oh, no.
我得掛了 抱歉 I got to go right now. I'm sorry.
我愛你 拜 ! I love you. Bye!
別別別 傑森 ! No, no, no! Jason! Jason!
快過來 我說了叫你別跑遠 Come on. I told you to stay with us.
他讓我玩了一把 He let me stroke it.
喔喔喔 ! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
等下 他指的是小蜜蜂 Hold on! He's talking about a pee... A bee.
小蜜蜂玩具 A little stuffed bee.
啥蜜蜂 ? What bee?
本來這個部位有蜜蜂擋著的 ! There was a bee here, man!
特別柔軟 他讓我用嘴親了 It was so soft. He let me kiss it.
不對 我可沒讓你親 ! No, I did not let you kiss it!
你亂說什麼呢 ? What are you talking about?
- 他根本沒有... 啊 ! - 你死定了 ! He did not even... Ahhh! You're fucking dead!
老爸 你真酷 ! Dad, that was cool!
該死 Oh, shit!
能給我條褲子嗎 拜託... May I have some pants? Please...
噢 天啊 真抱歉 當然可以了 Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. Of course.
完全沒問題 Yeah, absolutely.
要卡其褲還是運動褲 ? You want khakis or sweatpants?
卡其褲 謝了 Khakis, please.
什麼牌子的 ? 工裝褲那種 ? What brand? You like Docker's?
- 沒錯 - 好的 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah? Okay.
好的 你是穿30碼吧... All right. You're like a 30...
沒錯 30碼可以 Uh, yes, 30 is fine.
我可穿不上30碼的 What I wouldn't give to fit in a 30.
20年前或許還有可能 Maybe 20 years ago, you know.
也就是我7歲的時候 When I was seven years old.
- 嗯 - 好了 Yeah. All right.
順帶一提 我準備出去買點午飯 Also, I'm going to step out and get some lunch.
你想吃三明治嗎 ? Do you want a sandwich?
我超想吃三明治 I would love a sandwich.
火腿 ? 火雞 ? Ham? Turkey?
- 火雞 ? - 火雞 Turkey? Turkey.
真有趣 我自己也挺喜歡吃火雞的 That's so funny, because I'm a turkey guy myself, you know.
太感謝你了 Thank you so much.
要加蛋黃醬嗎 ? Okay. Absolutely want mayo on that?
- 不了 謝謝 - 好的 Uh, no, thank you, no. Okay.
- 多加點蔬菜 - 多加蔬菜 ? Uh, extra veggies. Extra veggies?
- 是的 謝謝 - 沒問題 Yes, please. You got it. Absolutely...
鹽和醋 Salt and vinegar.
還要鹽和醋是嗎 ? You want salt and vinegar as well?
是的 謝謝 Yeah, thank you.
你得注意鈉攝入量 You gotta watch that sodium.
因為攝入多了會導致血壓升高 All right, because that's what drives your blood pressure up.
而高血壓就是無形殺手 And blood pressure is a silent killer.
火雞 好的... Turkey... Okay... All right...
還有最後一項 你願不願意 Yeah. And, uh, finally, do you want to be sodomized
被一個心理年齡只有7歲 而且自稱為"乒乓" by a man with the mental age of seven
的男人強姦 ? who calls himself "Ping-pong",
還是說你想被同一個人 or do you want to be shivved
刮毛 ? by the, uh, same guy?
如果你有時間的話就給我說一聲 Just let me know what time works out for you,
因為你這是在蹲監獄 'cause you're in fucking jail.
好了 加裏 我拉完了 已經很晚了 All right. Gary, I'm all done. It's late.
我還得開店呢 夥計 I gotta go open the store, buddy.
我知道 但是你昨天試圖賣毒品給中學生 I know, but you tried to sell peyote to middle schoolers.
啥 ? 拜託 你還不瞭解我嗎 What? Come on, it's me. Pam.
別犯渾 Don't be a dick.
拜託嘛 我才拉了一泡稀 我想出去了 Come on! I just had watery diarrhea. I wanna get out of here.
- 臭死了 ! - 的確臭 It stinks! It does stink.
好吧 讓你出獄吧 All right, let's get you out of there.
好耶 呼 ! All right. Whoo!
我不喜歡蹲監獄 I don't like being in a cage.
等下 你要放他出去 ? Wait, you're letting him out?
他可是毒販子 你怎麼會讓他出去 ? He's the one that sold drugs. Why are you letting him out?
老兄 這樣可不行 ! Hey, man! Not cool!
你這樣出賣我真夠無情的 That's a real dick move throwing me under the bus.
你扯毛呢 ? What the fuck are you talking about?
昨晚就是你在販毒 You're the one that sold drugs last night.
喂 夥計 Hey, guy.
告密者都沒好下場 懂嗎 Snitches get stitches! All right.
你最好把嘴閉緊點 So why don't you shut your fucking mouth, bro.
沒錯 告密者都沒好下場 朋友 Yeah. Snitches get stitches, my friend.
我叫帕姆 My name's Pam.
你這人真是無可救藥了 You are just incorrigible.
- 嗨 你好啊 芬奇 - 你還好嗎 ? Hey. How are you, Finch? How you doing, hon?
- 很高興見到你 嗨 - 芬奇 珍·芬奇 Good to see you. Hey. Finchy. Jean Finch.
- 沒錯 - 本市最美警花 You got it. Most beautiful woman on the police force right here.
其實只有我一個女人... Jeez. The only woman...
- 有件事 - 什麼 ? Here's the deal. What's up?
我進來的時候隨身帶了一包毒品 I came in here with a bag of drugs.
我不向你撒謊 I'm not gonna lie to you.
沒拿回來我可不能走 I can't leave without it.
- 你們能幫忙嗎 ? - 能 Can you guys hook me up there? Yeah.
- 噢 加裏 - 就是這包 ? Ooh! Gary! Yeah. These yours?
- 謝了 加裏 - 接得好 Thanks, Gar-bear. Oh, nice catch.
請記住下週二就要選舉了 Please remember next Tuesday is the election.
請為我投市長票 Vote for me for mayor.
今年我一定能贏 I'm gonna win this year. I'm gonna beat that goat.
- 帕姆 ! - 天啊 他這人真不錯 Pam! Pam! FINCH: My God. He is just a good one.
- 他最棒了 - 又有愛心又努力奮鬥 He is the number one... Lover and a fighter...
好吧 聽我說 Okay, listen.
夥計們 我真的很尊敬你們的工作 Guys, I really respect the job you guys do.
我打心底裏這麼認為的 I'm being completely honest from the bottom of my heart,
我敬仰你們 我也為法律奮鬥 I look up to you. I fight for the law.
- 謝謝誇獎 都沒人對我們說過這種好話 - 從沒有過 Thank you. No one ever says that to us. Ever.
我小時候的夢想就是當警察 That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid.
變得和你們一樣 I wanna do what you guys do.
大部分人都只會 Mostly people just call
叫我們蠢豬 然後拿一堆垃圾食品砸我們 us pigs and throw bags of fast food at us.
我對於這場誤會十分抱歉 但是請聽我說 I'm incredibly sorry for all this confusion, but listen to me,
求你們了 你們得知道我是律師 please, I have to let you know I'm a lawyer.
- 哇 ! 你是律師 - 等下 Whoa, whoa! You're a lawyer? Wait a second.
是的 我是律師 Yeah, I'm actually a lawyer.
- 哇 可你完全沒有律師的樣子 - 是的 Whoa. You don't look like a lawyer. No.
真的 我是名公司律師 Yeah, I handle, like, uh, corporate stuff.
比如企業協議 Like, uh, like LLC agreements.
- 合夥人... - 我沒聽懂 我根本不懂你說的啥 LP... You lost me. I don't even know what that means.
- 你根本沒有猶太人的樣子 - 確實 I mean, you don't look Jewish. No.
仔細想想的話 其實挺搞笑的 If you think about it, it's actually pretty funny.
我這樣的人居然進監獄... Like, ending up here on this side...
確實很搞笑 真是太奇怪了 It is. That is funny. It is so weird.
- 很有黑色幽默的味道 - 確實 It's darkly ironic. It really is.
完全正確 黑色幽默 Yes, exactly. Dark irony.
我記得不是得至少80歲才能當律師嗎 I thought you had to be, like, at least 80 to be a lawyer.
得上好多學呢 對吧 ? Lawyer. Like, it's a lot of school, right?
沒錯 Yeah.
確實得學習很多 It's a lot of school.
監獄(測試) The bar...
是我已經通過了的 It's something I took and passed.
而不是被關在裏面 It's not something I stand behind.
是啊 Yeah.
我不是罪犯 簡單的說 I'm not on this side, typically,
我只是... and I just, uh... I just...
我很清楚我的權利 我現在希望打電話 I know my rights and I would love my phone call.
- 異議 - 駁回 Objection. Overruled.
- 請求接近法台 ? - 拒絕 ! Permission to approach the bench. Denied!
啥 ? What?
- 當律師真容易 - 太容易了 It's easy to be a lawyer. It's so easy.
我希望打電話 I would love my phone call.
好嗎 ? Okay?
我很清楚自己的權利 我希望打電話 I know my rights. I want my phone call.
讓我打電話 Give me my phone call.
我有理由打電話... I should have a phone...
這是我第一修正案裏的權利 This is my First Amendment right.
這是我第一... 吧啦吧啦... It is my first... First and foremost... Page one, number one...
第一修正案規定我有權利打電話 amendment says that I get my telephone.
而最重要的是 我能打電話嗎 ? And most of all, can I get a phone call?
這是我第一修正案裏的權利 This is my First Amendment right.
你好像不明白我有權利打電話 I don't think you understand that I'm guaranteed a phone call.
我可不會這麼講話 I don't sound like that.
是嗎 ? 那你是怎麼說話的 ? Yeah? What do you sound like then?
肯定不是你這樣的 Um, not like that. I don't think I sound like that.
把我的電話給我 Give me my phone call.
拜託 請讓我打電話吧 Oh, please, will you let me have my phone call? ...phone call.
我是一名美國公民 而我有權利... I'm an American and I'm fucking guaranteed...
我是一名美國公民 I'm an American.
我有權利打電話 I am guaranteed a phone call.
我有撥打電話的合法權利 Legally, it's my right to have a phone call.
我說我是一名美國公民 I just said I'm an American
我有權利打電話 and I'm guaranteed a phone call.
嗯 他開始發號施令了 Hmm. Well, now he's getting demanding.
- 是啊 - 我們最好趕緊把電話給他 Yeah. We better give him his phone call.
最好趕緊把電話給他 Better give him his phone call.
夥計們 拜託 Guys, come on. Come on, please.
這根本... 你們幹嘛要這樣 ? It doesn't... Why are we doing this?
這是你的電話 對吧 ? This is your phone right here, right?
是我的電話 沒錯 That is my phone. Yes.
給你說吧 Well, you know what?
我們得用你的手機打個電話 We get to make one phone call on your phone.
所以說估計會有點誤會 That's where you're just a little bit mixed up.
嗯 希望你的套餐還有話費 Yeah. Hopefully, you're not out of "Framily" Minutes.
- 別別別 - 嗯 我們打個電話給Uber叫計程車 No, no, no, no, no... Yeah, we get a free Uber ride on that.
- 要打了 - 載我們出去吃午飯 Go ahead. Take us out to lunch.
嘿 這樣吧 我們再給你設立個 Hey, you know what? We're gonna be kind and set you up with
Tinder賬號(約會交友) a Tinder account too.
噢 那Grindr賬號怎麼樣 ? (同性交友) Ooh, how about Grindr. What about...
快看 有人通過好友請求了 Look at this, look at this.
"何菲" 讀音正確嗎 ? "Jefe", is that how you pronounce that?
耶 你覺得何菲如何 ? Yeah, how about Jefe?
讓你單獨和何菲聊聊 ? Yeah. Huh? Little alone time with Jefe?
他喜歡輕度交流 性愛撫 和調情 He'd like some light conversation and heavy petting, flirting...
調情取樂 Flirtations.
他外觀就是個死肥宅 Hmm. He looks thick and lonely.
你晚上8點和他見面 你得帶上清爽酒 You'll meet him at 8:00. You'll bring wine coolers.
還有... And...
小號避孕套 Children's condoms.
- 我來拍張照片 - 噢 Just gonna take a little picture. Oh.
- 褲襠門 - 嗯 就小照幾張 Snatch-chat. Yeah, a little snach-chat.
請別這麼對待我的手機 Please don't do that with my phone.
希望你的攝像頭是廣角的 Hope you got a wide angle lens on that.
噢 ! 哇 Oh! Wow.
開玩笑的 Kidding.
有人為他交了保釋金了 給這個變態一條褲子吧 Somebody just posted his bail. Get that pervert some pants.
好了 All right.
這幾條褲子 These were a couple pair of pants
是90年代的一群狂歡失事的受害者的 from murder victims from a 1990s orgy gone bad.
有沾精液的和沾血跡的 We got semen-stained or blood-stained.
你想要哪條 ? Take your pick. What's it gonna be?
- 血跡的 - 那就給你精液的好了 Blood. Semen it is.
- 終於出來了 - 別 Hey, there he is. No.
一句話都別和我說 Don't even fucking talk to me.
我知道昨晚有點偏離軌道 Oh. Look, I know things got a little chaotic,
但是我已經快撩到麗諾爾了... but I'm so close with Lenore...
你他媽到底什麼毛病啊 ? What the fuck is wrong with you?
我馬上就要結婚了 祖父 ! I'm about to get fucking married, Grandpa!
就在下周 ! 要和一個猶太女孩結婚 ! In one week! To a Jewish girl!
而我現在卻進了監獄 And I just woke up in fucking jail
額頭上還被畫了幾根丁丁 with a bunch of penises on my forehead
還擺出了納粹十字的形狀 ! in the shape of a swastika!
可以稱其為"丁丁十字" Could call it a swasticock.
- 啥 ? - 文字遊戲而已 What? It's a play on words.
噢 原來是文字遊戲啊 Oh, it's a play on words.
文字遊戲啊 A play on words.
那你接下來試試這句話 Play on these words.
我把你送到 I'm dropping you off
你老戰友的家裏去 at your old army vet buddy's house,
由他來送你去博卡區 he's gonna drive you to fucking Boca.
我不送你了 Because I'm fucking done with you.
你又看啥呢 ? What the fuck are you looking at?
我無法從你的乳頭上移開視線 I can't help staring at your tits.
啪 ! Pow!
你到底搞什麼鬼啊 ? What the fuck is wrong with you?
臭臭在越南的擊殺數 You know, Stinky had more confirmed kills
是我們連隊的最高紀錄 118人 than anyone in our platoon back in 'Nam? 118.
閉嘴吧 Shut the fuck up.
這是哪啊 ? What is this place?
我不知道 也不在乎 I don't know. Or care.
至少和我一起進去瞧瞧吧 At least just come in with me.
確認下我們沒走錯 Let's make sure it's the right house.
你先請 After you.
年度最佳孫子 Grandson of the year.
包裏有你祖母的骨灰呢 Your grandmother's ashes are in there.
她被埋在棺材裏的 去你妹 She's in a coffin. Fuck you!
遲到總比不做好 Oh, well, better late than never.
耶 ! 干死他們 埃爾夫 ! Yeah! Fuck them up, ALF!
混球 ! Motherfucker!
臭臭 ? Stinky?
你在這幹嘛呢 迪克 ? What the fuck are you doing here, Dick?
這個啊 ? Oh, this?
沒啥大不了的 肝衰竭 Nah, this is liver failure.
那女同性戀是誰 ? Who's the lesbian?
他是我孫子 傑森 That's my grandson, Jason.
真的 ? Yeah?
他是來和我玩撕逼的 ? Is he here to scissor with me?
你這話太冒犯女同性戀了 Okay, that's just offensive to lesbians.
真抱歉啊 小娘炮 I am very sorry, k.D. Lang.
賓果遊戲時間到 Time for Bingo!
走吧 臭臭 推你出去轉轉 Come on. Stinky, we got to get you the fuck out of here.
走了 Come on, let's go.
別 我只剩一個月可活了 迪克 Uh, I got one fucking month left, Dick!
我可不想你見到我這個樣子 I don't want you to remember me like this, man.
我希望我在你的記憶裏是戰士 I want you to remember me as a warrior.
- 求你了 你走吧 - 可是... Please. Leave me be. But, Stinky...
別 先讓我說完 迪克 No, no, no... Just let me finish, Dick.
把你孫子留下來 Leave me your beautiful lesbian grandson
讓他把我口交致死 so he can blowjob me to death.
我的人生已經結束了 迪克 It's all over for me, Dick.
我現在只想玩賓果 You know, all I wanna do is play Bingo.
你走吧 Go.
準備好了 ? All ready?
賓果 ! Bingo!
我對於你朋友真遺憾 祖父 I'm sorry about your friend, Grandpa.
總會發生這種事 So it comes to this.
在身體死之前 你就會放棄生活 Even before you die, you just stop living,
人生就像一場鬧劇一樣 and it's all one fucked-up facsimile of the real thing.
我們得回去 We have to go back.
我知道 Yeah. I know.
我開車載我們回家吧 I'll drive us home.
不是亞特蘭大 是代托納比奇 Not Atlanta. Daytona.
啥 ? What?
我必須上了那個妹子 傑森 I have to fuck that girl, Jason.
- 天啊 祖父 ! - 真的 我必須上她才行 Jesus, Grandpa! I do. I have to fuck her!
祖父 你現在只是太傷心了 Grandpa, you're just depressed.
因為祖母剛死 你有點迷失了方向 You're confused right now because of Grandma.
祖母也希望我這麼做 Grandma wanted me to do this.
- 啥 ? - 她在死前告訴我的 What? Yeah. She said when she died,
她希望我看開點 she wanted me to move on
繼續前進享受人生 and live my life the way I wanted to,
而你知道我現在想幹嘛嗎 ? and right now, you know what I want to do?
我想要那個女大學生給我口交 I want to get my dick sucked by that fucking college girl!
這樣對你有什麼好處 ? What is that going to do for you?
能讓你找回年輕的感覺 ? Is that going to make you feel young again?
對啊 有什麼問題嗎 ? Yeah! Yeah, what's wrong with that?
是嗎 ? Yeah?
找回年輕的感覺 我現在還剩什麼 ? Feeling young again? What do I have?
過世的妻子 將死的朋友 A dead wife, dying friends.
如果運氣好 還剩下幾年健康的時光 A few fucking good years left if I'm lucky.
給你說吧 一想到這點我就害怕 And you know what? It fucking freaks me out!
是的 Yeah.
我不指望你能瞭解 Look, I don't expect you to understand.
你還年輕 You're young.
你還有好多日子在等著你 You have a long, long time
還沒到你害怕的時候 before you have to look into that abyss.
但是就我的觀點來看 和那妹子上床 But the way I see it, having sex with that girl
就是我最後的怒吼 is my last stand.
而且沒你幫忙我根本成功不了 And I can't do it without you.
所以我請求你 So I'm asking you.
拜託了 傑森 Please, Jason,
再多陪我在這多待一天吧 just stay one more day so I can do this.
求你了 Please.
好了 代托納比奇 誰想看脫衣表演 ! Okay, Daytona Beach! Who's ready for a Flex Off!
我說的可是叫男生上台來 I'm talking about dudes getting on stage,
脫光光 ! getting ripped!
耶 ! Yeah!
是的 我明天就回家 我保證 Yes, I'll be home tomorrow. I promise.
我知道 And I know... Yes,
我知道晚宴對於事務所來說很重要 I know the dinner is important to the firm...
等下 有人打電話過來了 Hold on, I'm getting another call.
可能是梅雷迪斯打的 拜 It might be Meredith. Okay? Bye.
- 喂 ? - 嘿 是我 Hello? DICK: Hey, it's me.
有人一拇指戳進了我的屁股 Someone just stuck their thumb up my ass.
啥 ? What?
是的 我就站在這裏 Yeah, I was just standing right there,
打著電話 talking on the phone,
結果有人突然跑到我背後 and someone came right up behind me
一拇指戳中了我的菊花 and stuck their thumb up my ass.
- 你有沒有看清他的臉 ? - 千年殺 ! Did you see who it was... Jamba!
操 ! 別犯二了行麼 ! Ow! Fuck! Stop doing that!
家裏情況如何 ? How'd it go on the home front?
你覺得呢 ? How do you think?
我們走吧 Come on. Let's go.
走吧 Come on.
<<壮志凌云>2人組 ! Top Gun in the house!
麥德林和古斯 ! We got Maverick! We got Fat Goose!
有挑戰者嗎 ? Do we have a challenger?
這裏 這裏 ! Right here! Right here!
這兩個人 ! These two! She wants to! These two.
挑她去 ! Pick her!
誰敢接受挑戰 ? Who will accept this challenge?
你敢上台的話 You go up there, I'll let you do
今晚我任你擺佈 whatever you want to me tonight.
- 好吧 我上了 - 好耶 ! All right, I'm doing it. Okay!
- 啥 ? - 呼 ! What? Whoo!
別別別 你開玩笑的吧 ? No, no, no! Are you kidding me?
我昨晚看到你的身材了 比科迪的好多了 I saw your body last night, it's a lot better than Cody's.
而我的身材肯定也比 And my body sure as shit looks better
台上那兩頭蠢貨好得多 than that fucking Shamu's up there.
現場可有1000多號人呢 There's, like, 1,000 people out here!
結果卻只有一個老頭敢上台 A lost old man has wandered on stage.
你是他的保姆嗎 ? Are you his nurse?
我不幹了 No. Fuck no.
快上台 快上台 ! Get on stage! Get on stage!
就當為了我 Do it for me!
快上台 快上台 ! Get on stage! Get on stage!
參賽選手是"壯志凌雲"隊 So we have team Top Gun
以及老變態和他的同性戀女兒 versus creepy old guy and his lesbian daughter.
好了 代托納比奇 準備好看脫衣表演了嗎 ? Okay, Daytona Beach, are you ready to Flex Off?
3 ! 2 ! 1 ! Three! Two! One!
脫 ! Flex!
怎麼 不會脫衣服嗎 古斯 ? Ooh, having trouble getting that coat off, Fat Goose?
額... Uh...
瞧瞧他啊 Look at this guy!
他就像特蕾莎修女的陰道一樣 ! He's like Mother Teresa's vagina!
雖老但緊 ! Old and tight!
快瞧啊 一看就是個基佬 Hey, look, it's Cirque du So Gay!
接下來呢 ? What now?
歐哦 這老頭子暈倒了 ? Uh-oh! Has the old man fallen?
額 難道是 Uh... Or is it...
單手俯臥撐 ! One-armed motherfucking push-ups!
我了個去 ! Holy shit!
小同性戀也開始了 Lesbian daughter's getting in on the action!
我知道他昨晚磕了可卡因 ! I happen to know he smoked crack last night!
看來藥勁還沒過 ! These push-ups are fuelled by the devil's candy!
難以置信 ! Unbelievable!
該你們了 小娘炮們 Your move, Dolly Parton.
你們準備怎麼做 壯志凌雲 ? What are you gonna do now, team Top Gun?
大家請記得 And, hey, everybody, don't forget to stop by.
來我的小店看看 Tam Pam Surf Slam in town
我賣"沙灘毛巾" where I'm selling "Beach towels"
一盎司50塊 for 50 bucks an ounce.
"防曬霜" 10塊錢一袋 "Sun screen" For 10 bucks a dime bag.
我同時也賣冰毒 ! And I'm also selling meth!
噢 ! Oh!
他倆結婚了 ! Just got married!
該你們了 娘娘腔 Your move, Viagra Falls.
觀眾都在為壯志凌雲尖叫 ! Crowd going wild for team Top Gun!
祖父 交給我吧 你看好 ! Grandpa, I got this. Watch!
展肌姿勢 1 2 3 Most muscular, on three. One, two, three.
噢 這貨好像放屁了 Oh! I think this guy just sharted!
我才沒有 ! No, I didn't! Yes!
快叫救生員啊 他好像拉肚子了 Call a lifeguard, I think there's been a shart attack!
麥克風都沒在我手上呢 I'm not even holding the mic right now.
滾粗吧 ! You suck!
我有主意了 I have an idea.
記得我小時候經常玩的那個動作嗎 ? Do you remember that thing we used to do when I was a kid?
沒錯 Yeah.
1 2 3... One, two, three...
等下 這是啥 ? Hold on, what's this?
發生什麼事了 ? What is going on?
老天啊 嘆為觀止啊 ! Oh, my God, what am I seeing?
我這是嗑嗨了嗎 當然嗑嗨了 ! Am I on drugs? Of course I am!
但還是難以置信 ! But this is still incredible!
打破脫衣表演的記錄了 ! Flex Off history is being made!
現在如何啊 夥計 ? What's up now, Brah?
耶 現在如何啊 夥計 ? Yeah, what's up now, Brah?
對啊 現在如何啊 夥計 ? Yeah, 'sup now, Brah?
現在如何啊 夥計 ? 'Sup now, Brah?
簡直難以置信 快掏出你們的手機 ! This is incredible! Take out your cameras!
傳到網上去 ! 肯定得火 ! Put this online! This shit is going viral!
該死 放我下去 Shit. Let me down.
大家照下來了嗎 ? Did everybody get a picture of that?
你去哪啊 ? What the fuck are you doing?
- 我不能幹這種事 - 啥 ? I can't do this... What?
- 天啊 - 脫衣表演 God... The winners
的冠軍是... of the Alpha Delta Flex Off...
等下 你們去哪 ? Wait a minute! Where are you going? Wh...
夥計們 你們去哪啊 ? Guys? Hey! Where are you going?
傑森 ! Jason!
別突然就跑了啊 You can't just leave me here like this.
你幹嘛跑了 我們馬上就贏了 Why'd you stop? We were winning!
因為我是律師 ! Because I'm a lawyer!
我不能被別人看到我做這種事 I can't have people taking pictures of me doing stuff like this.
你能想像下事務所看到我這樣會有什麼反應嗎 ? Can you imagine if the firm saw something like that?
根據規則 脫衣表演的冠軍是... By default, the winner of the Flex Off is...
這兩個蠢貨 These two dildos.
我以後的職業生涯都會處於危險狀態... Every single day, my career's in jeopardy...
- 你幹嘛呢 ? - 我把打氣棒 What are you doing? I'm taking the regulator off
裏的校準器取下來 the pneumatic propulsion system.
遞罐啤酒給我 Give me a beer.
祖父 你在軍隊裏到底是什麼職位 ? Grandpa, what did you really do for the army?
我說過了 我是機修工 I told you, I was a mechanic.
才怪 Bullshit.
你會說阿拉伯語 還會短路點火車子 You speak Arabic. You hotwired a golf cart.
告訴我實話 Tell me the truth.
好吧 我是特種部隊的 All right, I was Special Forces!
我在越南和伊拉克在敵人後方訓練反叛分子 I trained insurgents behind enemy lines from Vietnam to Iraq.
趕緊遞罐啤酒給我 Now give me the fucking beer can! Come on!
瞧瞧這蠢貨啊 ! Look at this dummy!
真是個白癡 ! What an idiot!
呼 ! Whoo!
耶 再摔一次 ! Yeah! Do it again!
我們去科迪的房間換衣服 我之前摸了他的包 We can change in Cody's room. I picked his pocket earlier.
好了 大家散了吧 All right. Nothing to see here, guys.
馬上有警察要來了 Cops are gonna come pretty quick.
我是他父親 No, no, this is his father, so that's what I'm saying.
讓他保持麻醉狀態 Keep him heavily sedated,
如果有必要的話 請直接拔掉插頭 but don't be afraid to pull the plug if you have to.
謝謝你 醫生 Thank you, Doctor.
他們要明天才能出院了 Okay. They're in the hospital till tomorrow!
這間房今晚是我們的了 The room's ours for the night.
看看這群養尊處優的 Look at these fucking people.
就知道吃喝玩樂 How was brunch at Hitler's house that day?
祖父 我們家族裏有其他人 Hey, Grandpa, who else in our family knows
知道你是特種部隊的嗎 ? that you were, uh, Special Forces or whatever?
沒有 就告訴了你一個人 No one, once your grandmother passed.
你父親早在我的任務 Your father stopped talking to me
被公開之前就不和我說話了 before my missions were declassified.
所以他一直以為我只是個機修工 So he always thought I was just an army mechanic.
但你難道不認為 But don't you think
如果你告訴他真相的話 that you guys would get along a little better
你倆關係會好一些 ? if you told him?
嘿 出來吧 看看你打扮得如何了 Hey, come on. Let's see how you look. Come on out.
首先 First of all,
根本沒人會系白色皮帶 nobody wears a fucking white belt.
只有空手道技術太差的人 The only people who wear white belts
以及不會享受現實生活的人 are people who suck at karate
才會系白皮帶 and people who suck at life.
趕緊把皮帶取了 Take the fucking belt off.
而且你最好把那蠢Polo衫 And you better lose that fucking white polo shirt
和起皺的卡其褲換掉 and those pleated khaki pants.
你這是去撩妹 又不是叫你 You're meeting up with girls, not blowing an oil executive
給石油大亨口交 on a fucking golf course.
穿這些吧 Put these on.
提醒你下 Well, in case you forgot,
我從昨晚開始就一直掛著空擋呢 I don't even have underwear, from last night.
趕緊穿吧 我轉過身去 All right, just put them on. I'll turn around.
- 丁丁不錯 - 老天啊 祖父 Nice dick. Aw, jeez, Grandpa.
丁丁確實不錯 遺傳到我的了 That's a good dick. You got your grandpa's dick.
雖然長寬高沒有繼承到 不過風格是一樣的 Not the girth, not the length, but same style.
多謝誇獎 That's good to know.
你很幸運不是你父親 You're lucky you're not your dad.
他繼承的是他媽的丁丁 He's got his mom's dick.
什麼鬼 ? What the fuck?
趕緊穿褲子吧 Now put your pants on.
該死 是梅雷迪斯打來的 Shit. It's Meredith.
別接 Don't answer it.
我這周就要綵排了 My rehearsal brunch is this weekend.
今晚不准打電話 No calls. For one night,
別再擔心你的婚禮了 拜託 stop worrying about your wedding. Please.
有兩個性感又漂亮 We have two hot, smart, beautiful college girls
而且還是在性慾高峰期的大學生 at the peak of their sexual powers
準備今晚和我們共度春宵 about to meet us at one of the last great nightclubs in Florida.
擔心好這事就行 Worry about them.
好吧 Okay.
你在這好像不太受歡迎 I don't think you're very popular here, Grandpa.
你才是該為自己擔心的那個人 Hey. You're the one that's going to have to watch out.
當心被"奧利奧"了 You might get Oreo'd.
奧利奧 ? Oreo'd?
也就是兩個黑人干一個白人 That's when two black guys fuck a white guy.
而你就是中間那層奶油 You're the cream in the middle.
嗨 真高興你們來了 Hey! Glad you guys made it.
我們去狂歡吧 ? Let's go get fucked up. Right?
我繼父恨我 ! My stepdad hates me!
走吧 ! Let's go!
狂歡到懷孕 ! Party till you're pregnant!
天啊 我最愛這首歌了 ! Oh, my God, I love this song!
你不會心臟病發作吧 ? You're not gonna die on me, are you?
- 應該不會 - 好耶 ! I don't think so. All right!
- 走吧 - 不不不 Come on. Oh, no. No.
把帽子給我 ! Oh, yeah. You want it? Come here, give me that hat!
天啊... Oh, my God...
給我 ! 這算啥 ? Give me that! What is this?
嘿 嘿... Hey! Hey, hey, hey...
別惹我那黑人私生子 Leave my illegitimate black son alone.
我們只是邀請他跳舞而已 We were just asking him to dance.
他可不想跳舞 Well, he don't wanna dance.
那你來替他跳啊 Well, maybe you wanna dance instead.
- 我也不想跳舞... - 肯德基上校 ! I don't wanna dance... Colonel Sanders!
沒事 沒事 It's all right. It's all right.
別在裏面惹事 Let's not dirty this place up.
這裏是聖堂 辛那特拉在這唱過歌 有本事去停車場 ? It's a shrine. Sinatra sang here. Parking lot?
不會有事的 It'll be fine.
怎麼可能沒事 瞧瞧這幫人啊 How is this going to be fine? Look at this crew.
走吧 我們也有挺棒的隊伍 Come on. We have a good crew too.
我們又沒隊伍 We have no crew.
我們要去J.Crew買衣服 ? Are we going to J.Crew?
J.Crew的衣服醜死了 Fuck J.Crew.
別這樣 Don't do this.
估計我得和他們所有人打 I think I'm going to have to fight them all,
所以你得去吃第一拳 so you're going to have to take the first punch.
- 啥 ? - 好了 他先上 What? Okay! He's up first.
隨便了 Whatever.
喜歡嗎 小白臉 ? You like that shit, white boy?
老兄 你有啥毛病呢 ? Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?
啥 ? 你想當下一個嗎 婊砸 ? What? You want next, bitch?
喂 不是說好了我是下一個嗎 Hey, I thought I had next.
向他道歉說不應該取笑他是Gay Tell him you're sorry you made fun of him for being gay.
對不起 我不該取笑你是Gay的 ! I'm sorry I made fun of you for being gay!
給他說你和他生在不同年代 Tell him you were raised in a different era,
但是你現在已經認識到了 but now you know it's wrong to judge people
不應該根據別人的性取向批判別人 based on their sexual orientation.
而且如果你非得為了某種理由 And that if you had to be gay with someone
和誰搞基的話 for some reason,
你懂的 比如為了防止恐怖襲擊啥的 you know, to prevent a terrorist attack or something,
那個人就是他 it would be with him.
啥 ? 嗷 ! What? Ow!
快說 Say it.
如果我非要通過搞基 If I had to be gay with somebody
來阻止恐怖襲擊 to prevent a terrorist attack,
我肯定會選你 ! it would be you!
接受你的道歉了 Apology accepted.
好了 Okay.
趁我還沒用另一隻手的時候趕緊滾蛋 Get out of here before I use my other arm.
這事沒完 This ain't over.
怕怕啊 ! Ooh! Oh!
趕緊帶著你的小娘炮滾蛋吧 Now fuck off and take Jodeci with you.
我們走 Let's roll.
太可惜了 麗諾爾吐了自己一身 Ah, it's too bad Lenore barfed all over herself tonight.
要不然我肯定能和她上床 I definitely could have had sex with her.
嗯 Yup.
而且要是她只吐在前面了 I probably could have still had sex
而不是吐得滿背都是的話 if she just threw up on her front,
我估計就要直接上她了 but she somehow got it all over her back,
不過事後我肯定會很內疚 and I would have felt bad.
騎士精神還沒死 Well, chivalry isn't dead.
我欣賞你今晚挺身而出的勇氣 I like the way you took that haymaker tonight.
有時候就是萬事開頭難 Sometimes you just gotta take that punch up front, you know?
堅持下來後面就輕鬆了 Then things get easier in the long run.
"De Oppresso Liber." "De Oppresso Liber."
你刀上也刻著這段話 It's written on your knife too.
代表什麼意思 ? What does that mean?
嘿 12點後要熄燈的 男生們 Hey, lights out after 12:00, boys.
最好別讓我逮到你們 I better not catch you swimming
游泳過河到女生宿舍去 懂沒 ? across the lake to the girls' camp, okay?
- 晚安 - 晚安 Night. Good night.
或許我明天約沙迪亞 You know, maybe I'll find something to do
出去玩玩 with Shadia tomorrow
這樣你和麗諾爾就有獨處的時間了 and give you and Lenore a little more alone time.
我感覺我倆就是在給你們當電燈泡的 I kind of feel like we're just getting in your way.
是嗎 ? Yeah?
我敢肯定有些... I'm sure there's something...
什麼鬼 ? 你把衣服全脫了 ? What the fuck? Did you just get naked?
裸睡身體好啊 Well, it's the best way to sleep.
老天啊 ! Oh, my God!
我從烏干達友人那學來的 I picked it up in Uganda from the Umbatdo.
要是你的丁丁再碰到我的大腿 Umbat-don't let your junk touch my leg again
你就滾去睡地板去 or you're sleeping on the floor.
晚安 Night.
傑森... Jason...
什麼鬼 ! 我了個去 ! The fuck! Oh, my God!
這些人幹嘛要砍樹 ? What do these guys want to cut all the trees down for anyway?
砍了建個什麼 For some stupid, like,
又巨大又俗氣的娛樂設施 massive, tacky entertainment complex.
你知道的 那種有拱形遊廊的 You know, the ones with, like, arcades
還有激光標籤的那種 and laser tag. That sort of thing.
激光標籤 ? 我最喜歡激光標籤了 Laser tag? I love laser tag. Yeah.
- 什麼時候開業啊 ? - 很好 真是謝謝你啊 When does it open? Nice. Thanks a lot.
- 沙迪亞 - 嗨 格利茲 Shadia! Hi, Griz.
你上次拍的波斯頓照片真漂亮 Oh, my God, your pics from the Boston rally look amazing!
- 謝謝 - 不客氣 Thank you. Yeah. Absolutely.
這草球捲得不錯 Sweet Hacky Sack, man.
這不是草球 夥計 這只是表面上的名字而已 It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg. That's the trade name.
本質上是大麻卷 It's an organic hemp-seed foot satchel.
這富家公子跑來這幹嘛啊 ? And what's someone from the fucking laser tag lobby doing here?
我只是沙迪亞的朋友 No, I'm just a friend of Shadia's.
嗯 我朋友 Just a friend.
這玩意挺酷的 是什麼 舞球 ? That's pretty cool, man. What is that, a dance ball?
什麼鬼 ! Fuck! What the fuck?
- 你可真逗 - 舞球... - You're fucking kidding me. - Dancing ball...
什麼鬼 ! What the fuck!
這是個4英吋的丙烯酸雜耍球 It's a 4-inch acrylic juggling orb!
混球 Dick.
那下周再見了 Um... I'll see you guys, uh, next weekend.
- 沒問題 - 好的 拜 Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah? Okay. Bye.
你項鏈真漂亮 Love your necklace.
拜 Bye.
嘿 格利茲... Hey, Griz...
別碰那玩意 是鐳射標籤公司的 Don't touch that, it's from Laser Tag.
抱歉 Sorry.
他們都是好人 我發誓 They're good people. I swear.
給我看看 Let me see that.
你怎麼會認識"這些好人"的 Where are you going with these "Good people"?
我們準備一起合租 We're heading out to the coast
一條船 期限1年 to, um, charter a boat for the year.
- 1年 ? - 對 For the year? Yeah.
用來做什麼 ? To do what?
我們準備記錄 We're documenting the effects
海洋的氣候變化 of climate change out on the ocean.
你不是這周就要畢業了嗎 ? Aren't you supposed to graduate next weekend?
對啊 Yeah.
感覺你在逃避某些東西 Seems to me like you're running from something.
你難道就沒有做過犧牲 Come on, haven't you had to make sacrifices
就爬到了現在這個大牌攝影師的位置 ? to get where you are as a photographer?
當然有過 但是... I mean, yeah, but...
是有區別的 That's different.
來瞧瞧 Look at this.
我討厭自己的照片 I hate photos of myself.
為什麼 ? Why?
你看上去這麼漂亮 You look beautiful.
看到沒 ? See?
喂 Hey.
等下 冷靜點 Wait, just calm down.
什麼 ? What?
該死 我們馬上到 Shit. Yeah, we'll be right there.
- 怎麼了 ? - 得走了 What's going on? We gotta go.
然後我從廁所出來吼 And then I came back from the bathroom
之前在俱樂部裏的那群黑人 and all those black guys from the club
把麗諾爾和理查德教授圍住了 were, like, standing around Lenore and Dr. Richards
他們大吼大叫的 還威脅他們 and they were yelling at them and threatening them
然後把他們綁架了 ! and they, like, kidnapped them!
而且我看到他們其中一人有槍 ! And I think one of them had a gun!
你看到他們被帶去哪了嗎 ? Did you see where they took them?
沒有 No.
那群人住在蒂爾曼酒店 Those guys are staying at The Tillman.
我只知道這點 And that's all I know.
- 好的 - 走吧 Okay. Come on!
- 快走啊 - 該死 Come on! Shit!
怎麼了 ? What?
我聞到大麻的味道了 I smell marijuana.
嗯哼 Mmm-hmm.
你拿水桶幹嘛 ? What are you going to do with a bucket?
我也不知道 ! I don't know!
好的 數3聲 準備好沒 ? Okay, on three. Ready?
1 2 3 ! One, two, three!
讓我再試一遍 Okay, let me try one more time.
The GZA, the RZA The GZA, the RZA,
Ol' Dirty Bastard Ol' Dirty Bastard.
怎麼回事 ? What's going on?
和黑幫有關的事 Gang stuff.
大廚瑞空 ! Raekwon the Chef!
還有表演家 ! And the Method Man!
原來你們在這啊 ! 你們的抗議遊行如何了 ? Hey! Here they are! How was the protest?
額 挺順利的 Uh, it was good.
嗯 挺順利的 Yeah, it was good.
這位是 拉馬爾 小克裏斯 大克裏斯 This is Lamar, Lil' Chris, Big Chris,
莫裏·芬克爾斯坦 Murray Finkelstein.
還有你們之前見過面的泰·瑞松 And, of course, you've already met Ty-rizone.
這老黑鬼真是個瘋子 That nigga's crazy, man.
不過"黑鬼"這稱呼到底怎麼回事啊 ? Yeah, what's with the N-word, anyway?
我有時候能說 我有時候又不能說... I can say it. I can't say it...
取得我們同意之後你才能說 You can say it when we let you say it.
指的就是永遠別說 Which is never.
任何情況下都別說這詞 Just never say that under any circumstances.
二手煙 ! Oh! Shotgun!
到底怎麼回事 ? What the fuck is going on?
我還以為這夥人要殺了你 I thought these guys wanted to kill you!
黎巴嫩紅雪茄 Lebanese Red.
我之前參軍的時候 I had some of this left over
在中東搞到的 from my time in the Middle East.
只要你請別人抽這玩意 You throw some of this shit around,
啥麻煩都能脫身 you can really get away with anything.
來根試試 Have some.
你現在開始抽雪茄了 ? You're smoking grass now?
老天啊 這東西會上癮的 祖父 Jesus, this is a gateway drug, Grandpa.
嗯 而你就是個膽小鬼 Yeah, well, you just opened the gateway to being a pussy.
- 試試吧 - 教授 Take some. Yo, D.
我們閃人吧 ! Let's fucking bounce!
去哪 ? Where?
一切都安好啦 And everything is all right
金對我丟信號了 而她可以上床一整晚 I got a beep from Kim And she can fuck all night
把大伙都叫上吧 Called up the homies and I'm asking y'all
你們平時都在哪打籃球 ? Which park are y'all playing basketball?
派我上場 看我發威 Get me on the court and I'm trouble
上星期隨便玩玩就拿了三雙 Last week fucked around And got a triple double.
我能說嗎 ? 能說嗎 ? Can I say it? Can I say it?
別別別 No! No, no.
說吧 ! 說吧 ! Say it! Say that shit!
黑鬼們都和邁克爾·喬丹一樣 Freaking niggas every way like MJ
我今晚一定要上了他 I'm totally gonna fuck him tonight.
嗯嗯 我能旁觀嗎 ? Uh-huh. Can I watch?
因為我現在也想上他了 'Cause I kind of want to fuck him too now.
把麥砸掉 ! 把麥砸掉 ! Drop the mic, baby! Drop the mic, baby!
這才對嘛 ! That's what I'm talking about!
下台了 黑鬼 ! Peace out, niggas!
唱得好 夥計 I see you, boy.
太棒了 ! Nasty!
下一首歌由沙迪亞和傑森表演 Up next we have Shadia and Jason!
到我們了 Yep, that's us now.
啥 不不不 What? No. No, no, no, no.
- 不 - 來嘛 No... Come on.
我們絕對沒祖父唱得好 我才不要唱 We can't top that. I don't want to do this.
你會唱這首歌的 歌詞都倒背如流的 看到沒 ? You know the song. You know every word. See?
你要讓我唱完整曲 ? You're going to make me do it all alone?
好吧 Fine.
嘿 Hey.
為了無數次你對我的支持 For all those times you stood by me
為了所有你讓我明白的真理 For all the truth that you made me see
為了你帶給我的無窮歡樂 For all the joy you brought to my life
為了你更正的所有錯誤 For all the wrong that you made right
為了你使之成真的每一個夢想 For every dream you made come true
為了你給我的全部的愛 For all the love I found in you
我將永遠心存感激 I'll be forever thankful, baby
讓我振作起來的你 You're the one who held me up
對我永不放棄 And never let me fall Yeah, yeah
你伴我度過 You're the one who saw me through
這一切的一切 Through it all
當我虛弱無力時 你就是我的力量之源 You were my strength when I was weak
當我緘默不語時 你就是我的口舌代言 You were my voice when I couldn't speak
當我視而不見時 你就是我的明亮雙眼 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
你發現了最好的我 You saw the best there was in me
當我無力攀登時 你把我托起 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
你對我堅貞不渝 You gave me faith 'cause you believed
因為你相信我就是我 I'm everything I am.
我去 Damn!
你到底是哪個明星啊 ? Who are you?
我只是想說 唱歌這麼棒的人 I'm just saying, who sings that well
居然不是職業歌手 ? and isn't a professional singer?
你唱歌這麼棒 居然還做這種破工作 You're so good at singing you actually suck!
你們要不要來杯睡前酒 ? You guys want to come up for a nightcap?
嗯 額... Yeah, well...
看看能不能有進展 ? See if shit gets real?
年輕小伙子和我 Well, uh, young Michael Buble and I
準備去泳池邊抽根雪茄先 are gonna have a stogie by the pool, so...
好的 Okay.
- 待會見 ? - 嗯 See you up there? Yeah.
我希望你知道我有多感激 I want you to know how much I appreciate
你為我做的這一切 傑森 you doing this for me, Jason.
孫子能給祖父最棒的禮物就是 The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather
一個願意趁老頭子死前 is a hot college girl who
不帶套和他做愛的性感女大學生 wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies.
大部分祖父都只想著要吃太妃糖 Yeah, well, most grandpas just want toffee.
怎麼了 ? What's the matter?
我估計我得取消婚禮了 I think I'm gonna call off my wedding.
額 當一個人結婚之後 確實得持續好多年 Well, when you get married, it's for a long fucking time.
確實很困難 And it's hard.
所以最好選擇一個 So it damn well better be with a woman
生活比較有趣的女人 who keeps things interesting.
你知道你祖母 You know your grandmother,
有次想親手種盆栽嗎 ? she tried to grow her own pot plant once?
- 是嗎 ? - 嗯 Really? Yeah,
她只是想驗證下自己有沒有這能力 she just wanted to see if she could do it.
她總是在這種小事上給我驚喜 She was always surprising me like that.
而且我們每五年會嘗試一次肛交 We also tried anal once every five years.
真棒 Sweet.
我真想念能有個分享一切的人 I miss having someone to share everything with.
把沙迪亞蒙在鼓裏 It's not fair to just keep Shadia
不公平 in the dark like this.
從我們一開始 這一切就是建立在謊言上的 Since we started this, it's just been one big lie.
她根本不知道我的身份 She has no idea who I am.
我得給她說清真相 I have to tell her the truth.
或許今晚不是時候 Uh, well, maybe telling her tonight is a little abrupt.
感情裏最重要的部分就是信任 The most important part of a relationship is trust.
沒錯 That's right.
而我要從現在就開始信任她 And I'm going to start now.
又或者你可以等我今晚和麗諾爾上了床之後 Or you can just wait till I have sex with Lenore tonight,
你再給沙迪亞全盤托出 then you can tell Shadia everything.
不行 我撒不下去了 No. I'm just lying.
傑森 我是你祖父 Jason, I'm your grandfather!
你得等我上完妹子之後再告訴她 You wait till I fuck that college girl!
- 我現在就告訴她 - 傑森... I'm telling her now. Jason...
傑森 傑森 ! Jason! Jason!
傑森 ! Jason!
現在如何啊 夥計 ? 'Sup, brah?
走開 大奶男 Back off, D cups!
這不就是傳說中的"教授"嗎 Well, if it isn't the "Professor."
現在的網絡真是發達 You know, it's amazing what you can find
光靠個名字就能搜出一大堆資料 with a name and Google these days.
你不是教授 ? You're not a real professor?
天啊 ! 你居然撒謊 你怎麼能這樣 Oh, my God! You lied to us. How could you.
等下 等下 接下來才是最棒的部分 Wait, wait, wait, this is the best part.
接下來才是最棒的部分 This is the best part.
理查德"迪克"凱莉 陸軍中校 Richard "Dick" Kelly, Lieutenant Colonel
服役於美國陸軍 in the United States Army,
又名美國角鬥士"氮氣" also known as the American Gladiator "Nitro."
你到底搜了啥啊 ? What the fuck did you Google?
好吧 接下來還有另一個最棒的部分 Okay, well, there's another best part then.
"傑森·凱莉將和梅雷迪斯·戈德斯坦結婚" "Jason Patrick Kelly will wed Meredith Miriam Goldstein"
"地點傑利科神廟 時間3月27日 星期六" "At Jericho Temple on Saturday, March 27th."
等下 也就是說是下週六咯 Oh, wait, that's, um, next Saturday.
等下 你們是爺孫倆 ? Wait, you're grandfather and grandson?
老天啊 簡直糟透了 Oh, my God! That is so fucked up.
簡直太性感了 額 簡直太糟了 That is so hot. I mean, that is so fucked up.
所以說... So...
你下周就要結婚了 ? Are you getting married next weekend?
我本來是打算結婚的 I was. I was getting married,
結果遇見了你 而我現在... but then I met you, and now I don't...
我的天 別對我用這招 Oh, my God! No. Don't pull that shit.
我感覺已經夠蠢了 I feel fucking stupid enough as it is.
你也不是教授 ? 那你是攝影師麼 ? So you're not a professor? Are you even a photographer?
我是律師 I'm a lawyer.
我處理證券交易委員會的投訴 I handle SEC compliance.
公司責任協議 LLC agreements.
我上來是為了... I came up here to...
你趕緊滾吧 傑森 Get the fuck out, Jason. Seriously.
能讓我解釋下嗎 ? Can I have a second to explain?
不行 ! No!
等下 等下 別急 "教授" Hold up, hold up. Not so fast, "Professor."
就我所知 For what's it worth,
我還是想上你 I still really want to fuck you.
- 那我們就去上床吧 - 沒錯 And we're going to fuck. Yeah, we are.
我們干個不爽不歸 We're going to thunder fuck.
我要你射我臉上 ! You're gonna tsunami on my face!
你會噴出一整條尼羅河的水 You're gonna flood like the Nile.
看來我陰道的旱災終於過去了 Yeah. I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over.
村民們終於有東西吃了 The villagers will finally eat.
你要給我口交致死 You're gonna die while you're eating me out.
而你死前最後一口氣都是我陰道的味道 I want your last breath to be in my pussy.
麗諾爾 你真是夠淫蕩的 Lenore! You're such a slut.
- 警察 - 該死 Police! Shit!
沒錯 警察駕到 That's right. Po-po in the ho-ho.
你們在開大麻聚會嗎 ? Some kind of ganja party?
抱歉不請自來了 Sorry to harsh your mellows.
怎麼沒邀請我啊 ? Where's my e-vite?
- 檢查下右口袋 - 這就檢查 Is that the jacket? Check the right coat pocket. Check it, man.
好了 轉過身去 Okay, turn around. Come on.
那是我的外套 不是他的 That's my jacket. That's not his jacket.
對著牆壁 就這樣 Up against the palm. There you go.
來搜搜看 你口袋裏都是啥啊 Let's have a look. What've you got in here? Huh?
找到了 Bingo-bango. OMG.
什麼鬼 ? 這不是我的 ! What the fuck? That's not mine!
- "什麼鬼 ?" - 這不是我的 ! "What the fuck?" That's not mine!
什麼鬼 ? 看來春假旅行 The fuck? Well, it looks like Spring Break
終於可以告別毒品了 is finally drug free!
快來 走了 小白臉 Come on, let's go. Let's go, pretty boy.
請吧 ? Oh, shall we?
不 事情可不是這麼辦的 走吧 No, it doesn't go down that way. Let's go.
我會等你的 祖父 I'll wait for you, Grandpa.
替我保持陰道緊致 ! Keep that shit tight for me!
他就是我的亨利·米勒 He's my Henry Miller.
什麼鬼意思 ? What the fuck does that mean?
完全正確 Exactly!
嗨 終於來了 Hey, there he is.
你褲子上有血跡 You got blood on your pants, you know.
你的駕照根本沒被吊銷 對吧 ? Your license isn't even suspended, is it?
這一切都是你編的 就是為了讓我陪你來這裏 You made all this up just so I'd come down here with you.
我只是想確保你能來 I had to make sure you'd come.
去你妹 ! Fuck you!
冷靜點 解釋 哈庫拉瑪塔塔 Just chill, Jason. Hakuna matata.
你到底是誰啊 ? Who the fuck are you?
我早該在你第一次撩妹的時候 I should have known you were fucking crazy
就瞭解到你是個瘋子的 the moment you started hitting on women
而且祖母才剛過世 ! the day after Grandma's funeral!
你可給我收斂點 Don't you fucking judge me.
你完全不瞭解我和你祖母的過去 You have no idea what I had with your grandmother.
這幾天我幹的這些事 And everything I've done these last few days
都只有一個原因 I've done for a reason.
你一結婚就等於斷了自己的人生 You were about to fuck up royally by getting married,
- 你自己也清楚 ! - 是嗎 ? and you fucking know it! Oh, yeah?
那我現在該怎麼辦 ? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
跑去追那個 Chase around some college girl
都不願意和我說話的大學女生 ? that doesn't even want to fucking talk to me?
而且都不知道我接下來的人生該幹嘛 ? Not know what the fuck I'm doing for the rest of my life?
對 因為至少這樣 Yeah, because at least you'd be thinking
你會為自己思考 for yourself for a change.
這句話到底是什麼意思 ? What the fuck does that even mean?
你父親操控了你成年後的 Your father has lorded over every decision
每一個決定 you've made in your adult life,
而梅雷迪斯就是最好的例子 and Meredith is just the latest example of that!
她又不適合你 傑森 She's not right for you, Jason.
如果你娶了她 你接下來的一生就是行屍走肉 If you marry her, you're going to be sleepwalking
而且會特別不幸福 through the rest of your life and be completely unhappy,
就和你父親一樣 just like your father!
我現在就很不高興 I am already unhappy with my life,
因為從頭到尾我都在被你耍 because I've done nothing but get fucked by you
還被帶著到處撩妹上妹子 and this insane fuck rampage that you've been on.
這旅行根本不是為我準備的 It wasn't a "Fuck rampage" For me.
而是為你準備的 It was a "Fuck rampage" For you.
怎麼又是為我準備的了 ? How? How is this for me?
我是一個不盡責的父親 I fucked up as a father.
我沒有陪你爸成長 I wasn't there to raise your dad
而他變成了一個唯物主義者 and he turned into a materialistic,
妻管嚴 平凡無奇的人 henpecked, poop-dick country clubber.
我不希望你變成那種人 I don't want that to happen to you.
原來這才是你的目的 ? So that's what this was?
我就是你的自我救贖棋子 I was your last-ditch redemption project.
恭喜你 祖父 Congratulations, Grandpa.
你以為自己是不稱職的父親 ? You thought you were a shitty father?
你現在也變成不稱職的祖父了 Now you're a shitty grandfather.
我不希望在婚禮上見到你 I don't want to see you at my wedding.
以後離我遠點 Stay the fuck away from me.
兩個大小 喜歡哪個 ? So, do you like this size, or this size?
親愛的典禮會場主辦方說 Hey, hon, uh, the people at the venue
他們沒有足夠的薄荷紙巾 said they don't have enough mint napkins,
你比較喜歡哪個 ? so which one do you like better?
海沫綠還是淡草綠 The seafoam or the pistachio?
我去開 I'll get it.
是誰啊 ? What is it?
噢 是別人送的結婚禮物 Oh, it's, uh... Just another wedding present.
我希望裏面裝的是 I hope it's that new big dipping spoon
高檔湯勺 from Williams-Sonoma.
獻給梅雷迪斯和傑森 And as a tribute to Meredith and Jason
以及你們之前的愛情 and the love that you guys share.
這是一種我不知道的愛 A love I will never know because my dog
因為我自己的狗在我手淫的第一天就死了 died the first day I masturbated.
所以我現在根本硬不起來 除非... So now I can't get hard unless...
好了 Okay.
還有 我們得阻止下ISIS 他們太過頭了 Also, we've got to stop ISIS. It's gotten... It's too much.
沒摔 沒摔 Got it. Got it.
今天我們到來並不只是 You know, today's celebration is much more
為了慶祝兩人的結合 than just about the union of two people,
同時也意味著兩個家庭的結合 it's also about the union of two families.
梅雷迪斯... Meredith...
凱莉家和戈德斯坦家 The Kellys and the Goldsteins.
請傑森和梅雷迪斯上台講講他們自己的故事吧 Let's have Jason and Meredith tell their own story.
講得好 戴夫叔叔 ! Nice job, Uncle Dave!
為了無數次你的支持 For all those times you stood by me
為了所有你讓我明白的真理 For all the truth that you made me see
為了你帶給我的無窮歡樂 For all the joy you brought to my life
無窮歡樂 Into my life
為了你更正的所有錯誤 For all the wrong that you made right
為了你使之成真的每一個夢想 For every dream you made come true
為了你給我的 For all the love.
全部的愛 I found in you
我將會... I'll be...
我將永遠心存感激 You've gotta be forever thankful, baby
讓我振作起來的你 You're the one who held me up
對我永不放棄 Never let me fall.
放大招吧 Let's go in for the kill.
這一切的一切 Through it all
你被入侵了 You've been hacked.
當我虛弱無力時 你就是我的力量之源 You were my strength when I was weak
當我緘默不語時 You were my voice...
你就是我的口舌代言 When I couldn't speak
當我視而不見時 你就是我的明亮雙眼 You were my eyes when I couldn't see
你發現了最好的我 You saw the best there was in me
當我無力攀登時 你把我托起 Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
因為你相信我就是我 I'm everything I am
因為你愛我 Because you loved me.
什麼鬼 ? What the fuck?
這可不是瑪莎文雅島 That is not Martha's Vineyard.
傑森 ! Jason!
- 趕緊換掉 ! - 我在努力了 寶貝 Take it off! Trying, dear. Trying.
別換掉 Leave them on.
趕緊換掉 Shut it down.
我有話想說 I have something to say.
我感覺這一生所有的決定 I think I've been listening to everybody else
都是遵從別人的意見來的 about what I should be doing with my life.
我祖父說過一句很有意思的話 My grandpa said something really interesting.
好了 把麥切掉 我要上去了 All right, cut the mics. I'm going up.
萬事開頭難 Take that punch,
後面就簡單了 that point forward, things get easier.
- 麥克風斷了 - 你的麥克風斷線了 The mic's off. Jason, your mic cut out.
啥 ? What?
你的麥克風斷線得不是時候 Your mic cut out at the most inopportune time,
我們就不知道 so we can't hear
你為什麼要讓那些照片留在畫面上了 why you want to leave those images up.
敲打不管用的 Hitting it won't work.
他們從源頭切斷了 樂隊 ? If they caught it from the PA... Band?
高什麼鬼 ? What the fuck?
尼克 你能替我帶句話給她嗎 ? Nick, can you tell her something for me?
請告訴她... Can you tell her that, uh...
我非常抱歉 但是我不能娶她 I'm really sorry, but I can't marry her.
你覺得應該由我來宣佈這個消息 ? 好吧... You think that message should come from me? Okay... Uh...
雷蒙叔叔 Uncle Ramon,
請告訴梅雷迪斯 傑森很抱歉 can you tell Meredith that Jason's sorry,
但是他不能娶她 but that they can't get married?
我操 ! Oh, fuck!
我忘記雷蒙叔叔是聾子 I forgot Uncle Ramon was deaf
我還自顧自的說了一大堆 and I talked to him like a normal.
魯本叔叔 Uncle Ruben,
請告訴梅雷迪斯 傑森很抱歉 can you please tell Meredith that Jason is really sorry,
但是他不能娶她 but that he can't marry her?
他說他很抱歉 但是他不能娶你 He says he's very sorry, but he can't marry you.
魯本叔叔 Uncle Ruben,
你能把音量開大點嗎 ? can you turn that thing up a little?
開不大了 It doesn't get any louder.
這到底是啥玩意 ? 終結者 ? Where'd you get that thing, SkyMall?
就按照事情發展的結果來看 At this point, I'm kind of nervous
我很擔心我問誰 誰都有殘疾 that anybody I pick will have a disability.
好吧 服務員 喂 Okay... Waiter... Hey, Pubes.
請告訴梅雷迪斯 Can you please go tell Meredith
我表哥傑森非常抱歉 that my cousin Jason is very sorry,
但是他不能娶她 but they cannot get married?
額 拜託 老兄 這是我上班第一天 Uh... Come on, man. It's my first day here...
我知道這是你第一天上班 I know it's your first day,
但是大家需要你拿出男人的樣子 but everybody needs you to be a man here.
好吧 Okay.
就一句短話... Just real quick...
他叫我來告訴你... He sent me... He wants me to tell you that...
額... Um...
他不能娶你了 He doesn't think that he can marry you.
他很抱歉 但他做不到 But that he's sorry that he can't.
她在大小 看來你已經脫離苦海了 夥計 She's laughing, so I think that you're in the clear, bro.
很不錯 真的很不錯 No, it's good. That was good.
那你回去告訴他 You can just go back and tell him
他不在家的這段時間我上了他表弟 that I fucked his cousin Nick while he was gone.
她看得很開的 She's so super cool about it.
她當時說的是 "繼續吧 做你自己愛做的事" She's like, "Go! Do your thing. Do you."
她是這麼說的 ? She said that?
嗯 我照搬過來的 That's what she said, verbatim.
等下 我該下來給她告別嗎 ? Wait. Should I come down and say bye?
不 不用了 ! No. God! Fuck no!
- 不用嗎 ? - 對 No? Yeah.
根本用不著... 我們還是別... No need to even... Let's not even...
我只是... 不用勞煩了 You just... I've done it... We're great!
等下 他去哪啊 ? Wait, where the fuck is he going?
傑森 ! Jason!
其實是那個開機車的男人用iPad弄的 It's actually the guy on the moped with the iPad.
國家安全局早就不用這種大麵包車了 NSA stopped using utility vans years ago.
我想著既然你把攝影機寄回來了 I figured once you sent the camera back,
就得採取更厲害的措施了 it was time to take drastic measures.
他怎麼說 ? 我們真要這麼做嗎 ? What'd he say? Are we doing this?
後備計劃 讓帕姆綁架你 Plan B, have Pam kidnap you.
我得把她追回來 I've got to get her back.
你讓我綁架她 ? You want me to kidnap her?
我立馬就把她裝箱子裏給你送回來 夥計 I'll bring her back to you in a box, bro.
她正坐在I85線的大巴上穿越弗羅裏達 She's on a bus headed west on I-85 across Florida.
她的船在4小時後離港 Her boat leaves in four hours.
追蹤她太簡單了 It was easy to track her down
我可是在中東練過的 because of the whole Middle Eastern thing.
你肯定沒想到為國作戰 Bet you never thought you'd 69 a girl
還能幫你撩妹吧 because of the Patriot Act.
把她撩到手 老兄 ! You 69 her, man!
然後她就得死 And then she's dead.
你在逗我嗎 帕姆 ? 你開這破車 ? Are you kidding me, Pam? This is what you drive?
是啊 開著冰淇淋車賣大麻 Oh, yeah, it is so easy selling kids drugs
給小孩子最輕鬆了 from an ice cream truck. It's crazy!
傑森 ! Jason!
- 傑森 ! - 快開車 ! Jason! Go, go, go, go!
傑森 停車 ! 立刻停下 Jason, stop! Stop right now.
停車 ! Stop! Stop!
如果你現在離去 If you leave right now,
你就可以和事務所的工作告別了 you can kiss your job at the firm goodbye!
大衛 能麻煩你滾開嗎 ? David, will you get the fuck out of the way!
嘿 拜託 ! Hey, hey! Come on!
什麼鬼啊 ? What the hell!
夥計 除非你想買麵包或者海洛因 Hey, guy, unless you want a Chipwich or some heroin,
那麼就立刻滾下我的冰淇淋車 ! get off my ice cream truck!
這蠢貨是誰啊 ? Who the fuck is this slob?
蠢貨 ? 我是小老闆 ! Slob? I am a small business owner!
而我這樣的人就是這個國家的中流砥柱 ! I am the backbone of this country!
而且我手上有電擊器 I am holding a taser!
- 喔 我去 - 要我停手嗎 ? Whoa! Shit! Dude, should I stop?
- 你幹嘛呢... - 我電得正爽呢 What are you... I'm kind of in the middle of it right here.
- 我去 - 好了 Shit! All right.
如果有人硬了請舉手 Raise your hand if you've got a boner!
我們該怎麼辦 ? What were we supposed to do?
把他丟路邊 ? Just leave him on the side of the road?
老兄 能開慢點嗎 ? Hey, man, can you slow down?
我筆都拿不穩了 You're making this very difficult.
什麼鬼 ! 上星期在我臉上 What the fuck! That was you who drew
畫丁丁的人就是你 ? all those dicks on me last week?
- 沒錯啊 就是我畫的 被你逮到了 - 老天啊 Yeah, I drew the dicks. Busted! Oh, my God!
該死 ! Oh, shit!
別擔心 起身 我們抄近道 Don't worry. Get up. We'll cut through the back roads.
- 啥 ? - 你來導航 我來開車 Wait, what? You navigate. I'll drive.
小心 小心 喔 喔 ! Watch out! Watch out! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
什麼情況啊 ? What the hell is going on?
喔 ! Whoa!
- 有人超速了 - 好吧 我們上 ! Got ourselves a bogey. All right, let's do this!
操 ! 我們得減輕點車身重量 Fuck! We gotta lose some of this weight.
帕姆 丟點東西出去 Pam, throw some of this shit out of here!
快看 是帕姆 他屬於友好的希臘人 Hey, look, it's Pam. He's the good kind of Greek.
嗨 吉恩 嗨 加裏 Hey, Gene. Hey, Gary.
你在哪學會這麼開車的 老爸 ? How the hell do you know how to drive like that, Dad?
該死 祖父 告訴他真相吧 ! Damn it, Grandpa. Just tell him!
額... Uh...
我是一名特種部隊的綠色貝雷帽 I was a Green Beret in Special Forces.
我深入敵後訓練反叛分子 I taught insurgents behind enemy lines.
機修工只是我的掩護身份而已 Mechanic was just my cover.
很好 我們趕上了 Good! We're all made up!
她在哪 就是這輛車 加速 ! There they are! That's them! Let's go, go, go!
- 沙迪亞 ! - 傑森 ? Shadia! Jason?
快停車 我得和你談談 ! Stop the bus! I need to talk to you!
你怎麼在 What are you doing here
- 一輛冰淇淋車裏 ? - 快停車 ! in an ice cream truck? Stop the bus!
- 好吧 ! - 靠邊停 ! Okay! Pull over!
我才不要靠邊停 ! I'm not pulling over!
真是多謝你了 帕姆 你個告密者 ! Thanks a lot, Pam! You narc!
啥 ! 我才沒高密 巴利 What! I'm not a narc, Barry!
去你妹的 ! Fuck you!
帕姆 你認識他 ? Pam, you know him?
是的 他是我鐵哥們 Barry? Yeah, he's, like, my best friend.
我賣給了他一大堆迷幻藥 噢... I sold him, like, six tons of ecstasy... Oh!
原來這就是他不停車的原因 That's why they're not stopping the bus.
車上全是毒品 It's full of drugs.
真有我的作風 Classic Pam.
- 我認識他們 - 快停車 ! I know that man. Stop the bus!
傑森 你去哪呢 ? Jason, where are you going?
你幹嘛呢 ? What are you doing?
他們在幹嘛... What are they...
你最好娶了她 You'd better marry that girl.
我 ? 她不是我喜歡的菜 太瘦了 Me? Nah, she's not really my type. Too skinny.
什麼鬼 ? What the fuck?
減速啊 ! 天啊 ! Slow down! Oh, my God!
你幹嘛呢 ? What are you doing?
喔 喔 喔 ! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
減速啊 ! Slow down, dude!
快上 快上 ! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
去追她吧 ! Go get her, man!
到底什麼情況啊 ? What is going on? What just happened?
嗨 我其實也毫無頭緒 Hey. I don't even fucking know,
但是我不結婚了 but I'm not getting married.
好吧 難道這樣就抵消你之前對我撒謊了 ? Okay, so that makes it okay that you were lying to me?
抵消不了 No. No, it doesn't.
但你得承認我倆在一起的時候 But you have to admit when we were together
感覺特美好 it felt great.
有種很真實的感受 There was something real there.
沒錯 Yeah.
你想我怎麼樣 傑森 ? What do you want from me, Jason?
我要你留下 I want you to stay.
我不能留下 I just can't stay.
好吧 Okay. Okay.
我明白的 No, I get it.
嗯 Yeah.
那我跟你一起走呢 ? What if I come with you?
跟我... Come...
真的 ? Really? I mean...
我和未婚妻分手了 丟了我的工作 I just broke up with my fiancee, lost my job.
而且我身上好像有通緝令 所以... And I think I'm wanted by the police, so...
出海一年 A year at sea
或許最適合我現在的處境了 might actually be the best place for me.
好吧 Okay.
別親了 女同們 Break it up, lesbians! Let's go.
趴到地上 Get down on the ground!
我們針對你就是因為你們是女同 We're doing this because you're lesbians!
趴到地上 ! Get down on the ground!
根據洲際法案第17章37條 According to Interstate Statute 17.37,
在洲際公路上想逮捕人 arrests made on the Interstate Highway System
必須有洲際警察來執行 must be executed by state police,
而不是你們這群本地警察 not your local law enforcement
你們這是越權辦事 from your adjacent municipalities.
你好像挺熟悉 You seem, like, really familiar
法律行業的 with the penal code.
感覺你很清楚 You seem real cocksure
不用部門的轄區 about the juris-dick-tion you're in.
非常確信 Real cocksure!
有人在你臉上畫了丁丁 白癡 Someone drew dicks all over your face, you idiot!
瞧瞧啊 你臉上全是丁丁 Well, look at that! You got dicks on your face.
中間那根是我比著畫的 That middle one's mine. Look it, this one right here.
沿著周邊素描的 I traced it.
我就說怎麼這麼眼熟嘛 I thought I recognized that!
先不敘舊了 放我朋友們走吧 Enough catching up. Let my friends go.
他們一點壞事都沒做 They've literally done nothing wrong.
帕姆 這群人妨礙司法公正 Pam, we've got obstruction of justice here.
還有胡亂開車 We got reckless endangerment.
車上還有一車毒品呢 我懂你的意思 The bus is full of drugs, I get it.
噢 說到點上了 我得趕緊閃人了 Ooh, speaking of which, I've got to get out of here.
有一群癮君子 I got three keys of "Frisbees"
今天要到我的店買東西 所以... showing up at the store today, so...
我可以走了嗎 ? I should go, question mark?
開我們的警車吧 Why don't you take my squad car.
- 好主意 - 把鑰匙給他 That's a good idea. Give him your keys.
你的意思是這串鑰匙 ? You mean these keys?
原來在你那啊 There they are.
- 不愧是帕姆 - 不愧是帕姆 Classic Pam. Classic Pam.
要不要弄點午餐吃 ? What do you say we get some lunch?
很樂意 Love it.
待會再見了 蠢貨們 See you fucks later.
額 我要和她一起走 So, uh, I'm gonna go with her.
嗯 你去吧 Yeah, you should.
她感覺是個好姑娘 She seems real nice.
這輛車好像是我們唯一的回家工具了 You know, I think this is our only way back now,
所以我準備去把臉上的丁丁洗掉 so I'm gonna try to get these cocks off of my face
然後把車發動好 and get that truck started.
- 稍等我下 - 好 Just give me one sec. Yeah.
祖父... Grandpa...
謝謝你... Thank you for...
少給我煽情 Don't give me any of that shit.
回來的時候告訴我聲就行 Just let me know when you get back.
而且我很想看見你拍的照片被登上<<时代杂志> And I actually want to see your photos in Time magazine.
這個攝影機花了我3個月的退休金 This camera set me back three months of my army pension.
謝謝你 祖父 Thanks, Grandpa.
對了 傑森... Oh, and, Jason...
嗯 ? Yeah?
在80年代 Back in the '80s,
巨人安德烈 when Andre the Giant
經常會去花花公子宅邸 used to go to the Playboy Mansion,
他會叫5個妹子一起疊在床上 he'd stack five playmates on top of each other on a bed
然後他一次性給她們5人指交 and fingerfuck them all. Five at a time.
就因為他的手特別大 Because his hands were so big.
然後... So...
沒了 That's it.
謝謝 祖父 Thanks, Grandpa.
"De Oppresso Liber." "De Oppresso Liber."
綠色貝雷帽的座右銘 Motto of the Green Berets.
意思是 "解救受壓迫的人" It means "To liberate the oppressed."
準備好沒 ? Hey. You ready?
好了 Yep.
我覺得他肯定找不到比我更好的人了 I don't think he's gonna find anybody as good as me.
真遺憾 但是你知道那句老話的... I'm sorry. But you know what they say...
額... Um...
"難熬的生活鍛煉出來的是堅強的人" "Tough times can sometimes lead to tougher people."
- 嗯 - 庫爾特·馮內古特說的 Hmm. That's Kurt Vonnegut.
好吧 Yeah.
我操啊 ! Holy fuckin' shit!
以前有沒有人給你說過 Has anyone ever told you
你的陰道和英國牧羊犬的一樣 ? that you have the pussy of English Sheepdog?
多謝你載我回來 Well, thanks for the ride.
你不會有事吧 老爸 ? You gonna be okay, Dad?
我很想她 I miss her.
但我不會有事的 But I'll be okay.
我是個不稱職的父親 對不起 I was a shitty father and I'm sorry.
慢慢磨煉吧 Well, we'll work on it.
你這人真是難找啊 教授 You're a hard man to track down, Professor.
你穿的是我的褲子 ? Are those my pants?
沒錯 是你的 Yeah, these are your pants.
我在褲包裏找到張維特的原聲專輯 I found a Werther's Original in the pocket
我都聽了一早上了 and I've been sucking on it all morning.
你明知我不是一名教授 對吧 ? You do know that I'm not a professor, right?
我知道 Yeah, I know.
你只是個下流的祖父 You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa,
而我只是個來自長島的女孩 and I'm just a girl from Long Island City
而我喜歡上老年人 who likes to fuck old people.
我喜歡你那張沙發 I like your pull-out couch.
是嗎 那我給你說 Yeah, well, I got news for you.
今晚你就別想著能睡覺了 That's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight.
我馬上回來 I'll be right back.
嗨 Oh, hey.
聽著 我很抱歉 Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
我不知道我能不能行 I don't know if I can do this.
我已經好久沒上過床了 I haven't done it for a long time.
糟糕 褲子好像自己滑掉了 Whoops! I guess they just slipped off.
我希望你把我的Bra扯掉 I want you to tear open my bra
就像被警察搜身一樣 like it's a social security check.
給我說 你摔倒了 起不來了 Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up.
"救命啊 我摔倒了 起不來了" "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."
噢 不 ! Oh, no!
用手到處亂摸 Now fumble around and pretend
就像在找你的老花鏡一樣 like you're trying to find your glasses.
"我的眼鏡呢 我看不見了" "I'm trying to find my glasses. I can't see."
"找到了 ! 我看得見了 !" "I found them! I can see! I can see!"
給我說已經4點了 你想吃晚飯了 Tell me it's 4:00 and you want to eat dinner.
"4點了 我想吃晚飯了" 00 and I want to eat dinner."
給我說你遙控上的按鍵太小 Tell me the buttons on your remote control
搞的你都切不到新聞了 are so small that you can't find Fox News.
"我遙控上的按鍵太小了" "The buttons on my remote control"
"我切不到新聞了 !" "Are so small I can't find Fox News!"
- 給我形容下按鍵有多小 ! - "特別小" Tell me how small they are! "They're real small!"
給我說這附近的治安大不如前了 ! Tell me how this neighborhood used to be safer!
"這附近的治安大不如前了 !" "This neighborhood used to be safer!"
給我說美國在艾森豪威爾總統的領導下更好 ! Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower!
"美國在艾森豪威爾總統的領導下更好 !" "Things were better under Eisenhower!"
我們喜歡艾克 ! 我們喜歡艾克 ! We like Ike! We like Ike!
我們喜歡艾克 ! We like Ike!
你這是要射了還是要死了 ? Are you cumming or dying?
不確定 可能都有吧 ! I'm not sure! Maybe both!
"...就算死亡" "...for as by a man came death."
"也能孕育出新生命" "By a man has come also life."
理查德·凱莉二世 Richard Kelly II.
恭喜你們成為孩子的教父母 Congratulations on the baby's new godparents,
- 傑森和沙迪亞 - 嗷 ! - Jason and Shadia. - Aw!
恭喜 ! Congratulations!
快回來媽媽懷裏 洗禮完了 Back to Mommy. All baptized.
你真是充滿驚喜啊 祖父 Man, you just keep surprising me, Grandpa.
72歲了還能當爸爸 New dad at 72.
這主意真絕了 Great fucking idea.
嘿 主意你的用詞 ! Hey, watch your potty mouth!
- 我去 抱歉 - 對啊 今天沒漱口嗎 Jesus, sorry... Yeah, clean up your language.
尊重點你的新祖母 And show some respect for your new grandmother!
- 抱歉 親愛的 - 沒關係 I'm sorry, honey. That's all right.
寶貝 你就不能抽空來看看我們嗎 ? And sweetie, would it kill you to visit us sometimes?
我們好久沒見你了 We never see you.
抱歉 奶奶 Sorry, Nanna.
你上次生日有沒有收到我寄的卡片 ? Did you get that card I sent for your birthday?
- 有啊 - 嗯哼 Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
收到了 12美刀的價格牌也撕 Yeah, with the $12 check.
特別暖心 謝謝你 That was a very nice touch. Thank you.
謝謝 沒錯 Thank you. That's right.
嘿 你又長胖了 ? Hey, what are you, gaining some weight?
感覺你臉變大了點 You look a little heavy in the face.
- 你幹嘛... - 這一臉的肉哪來的啊 ? No, what are you... Where'd this come from, huh?
- 啥 ? - 這些肉哪來的 ? What? Where'd these guys come from?
- 我們去開車吧 ? - 好 You wanna go get the car? Okay. Yeah.
好了 我去把車開過來 All right, I'll pull around the minivan.
去找爸爸吧 Go to Daddy.
來爸爸抱 There we go, come to Daddy.
就剩你和我了 It's you and I.
有點奇葩啊 It's a little bit weird.
她變成我祖母了 She's my grandma.
而你這小傢伙是我叔叔 And you're my uncle.
- 快瞧瞧 - 我去 ! Look at that. Holy shit!
這是根好丁丁 It's a good dick.
老天啊 ! 快遮住 Oh, my God! Put that away.
- 和我們的丁丁一樣 - 是的 It's our dick. Yeah.
我很慶幸不是和他一樣的 I'm just relieved it's not his dick.
幫我拿下奶瓶 ? You want to get the bottle for me?
- 好 - 你好啊小傢伙 Oh, yeah. Hey, how you doin' there?
傑森 你最好檢查下你的尿不濕 Hey, Jason. You should check your diaper, bro.
你剛好像拉屎了 I think you just shit your pants.
而且還是在教堂裏 在上帝面前 And in church, too, in front of God.
我真不知道你是來幹嘛的 I don't get why you're here.
噢 有人拉褲子裏了 Oh! Someone made a doodie in their yum-yum.
我就直說吧 I'm just gonna put this out there once.
我知道你寶寶才剛受了洗禮 I know your baby just got baptized,
但是我在坦帕市有個朋友 願意最高支付6萬元 but I've got a guy in Tampa who will pay upwards of 60 grand
來買一個會戰鬥的 健康的白人男性嬰兒 for a healthy, white, male baby that can fight.
這是莊好交易 接了吧 This is a good deal. You should take it.
我不怎麼認識這人 I don't know this guy that well,
但是總感覺他特別面善 but he seems extremely trustworthy.
是啊 Oh, yeah, yeah.
- 感興趣嗎 ? - 不愧是帕姆 You interested? Classic Pam.
不愧是帕姆 Classic Pam.
- 敲敲 - 是誰啊 ? Knock, knock. Who's there?
經典帕姆 Classic Pam.
看來重新開始永遠不嫌晚對吧 ? Guess it's never too late to start over, huh?
嗯 很高興能有第二次機會 Yeah. Nice to have a second chance.
或許這次我能 Maybe it won't take me so
當個好父親了 long to get the father thing right this time.
對吧 ? Right?
我去幫他把座位弄好 I'll go get his car seat.
千年殺 ! Jamba!