Well, it's 7:15 here, you subtract an hour.
(audience laughing) Forget it!
Forget it.
Now, look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose.
What we saw was not a UFO.
Well, it wasn't a plane!
Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.
Neither is Oprah Winfrey,
but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
The point is, nobody knows what we saw.
You don't, I don't, not even Major Barker does.
Major Barker?
That's the man I spoke to today down at the military base.
I told him what we saw, and he said they'd check into it.
Rose, how could you do that?
Don't you know what's going to happen?
This is gonna end up in all the tabloids.
I can see it now, right next to
"Woman Gives Birth to Doc Severinsen Look-alike"
(audience laughing)
"Dorothy Zbornak Meets Spacemen."
Why do you get all the credit?
(audience laughing) Girls!
Girls, look.
(audience oohing)
How do I look?
Great, Blanche.
Great, or gorgeous?
Gorgeous!
Well, what about sexy?
Yes.
Enticing?
I'll handle this.
Blanche, no woman ever looked better
than you look right now, and no one ever will.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Thank you, Dorothy.
Honestly, Rose, sometimes it's like pulling teeth
to get a little compliment out of you.
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
There's the bell.
That must be Ham at the door.
Come on, come on!
(doorbell ringing)
Sophia, wait, wait, wait a minute!
Blanche, will you calm down?
I have never seen you so worked up over one date.
Dorothy, I let this gorgeous man
slip through my fingers once before,
I don't intend to let it happen again.
(audience laughing)
He couldn't slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.
(audience laughing)
Oh, my God!
Blanche?
Ham?
Ham Lushbough, just look at you!
What else can we look at?
The man's covering half the pictures on our wall.
(audience laughing)
I don't blame you for looking surprised, Blanche.
There's a little more of me than there used to be.
Well, maybe a little here, a little there.
Ham, I'm Dorothy.
How do you do?
This is my mother, Sophia.
That's Rose.
Hello.
Ham: How do you do?
So, what exactly is Ham short for, Ham?
My guess would be ham and potatoes.
(audience laughing)
Well, we'd better run along.
We don't want to be late.
I'm sure you'll have a wonderful, wonderful evening.
It was very nice meeting all of you.
Same here.
I hope we get to see more of you.
Don't even bother.
(audience laughing)
Bye.
(audience applauding)
Boy, he sure looks different from his picture.
You know, sometimes people can lose their looks.
Not in Sicily.
In Sicily, if you're born beautiful, you stay beautiful.
The whole town sees to it.
They check up on you, they encourage you,
they never let you slip.
That's why we were so happy when Dorothy was born.
Oh, Ma.
Who needed all those people bothering us all the time!
(audience laughing)
I'm going back outside, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Fine, Rose.
(doorbell ringing)
Is Rose Nylund in?
Yes, please come in.
Please come in.
You must be the man that Rose spoke to, Major Barker?
That's correct.
Please, sit down.
Listen, um, before I get Rose, let me assure you,
she is the only one here who thinks she saw a UFO.
I understand completely, Ms. Zbornak.
By the way, is that Ms. Zbornak or Mrs?
I'm hoping it's Ms.
Well, yes.
(audience laughing)
Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
Good.
I've already got that box checked on this form.
(audience laughing)
Now, in this case, we've done most
of the research at the base,
so I just have a couple of routine questions to follow up.
Question number one,
was the object you saw more triangular or cylindrical?
No, triangular.
Was it blue in color?
Yes.
Did it leave a faint trail of yellow exhaust?
Yes, it did!
Very good.
Ms. Zbornak, there's a perfectly simple
explanation for what you saw.
Well, I always knew there would be.
What you and Rose Nylund saw was a UFO.
(audience laughing)
(gentle orchestral music)
(laughs) Oh, Ham Lushbough,
you always did know how to make me laugh.
It's nice to know I haven't lost it, all of it.
Oh, now, don't you talk like that.
You haven't lost a thing.
Why, the way you can tell a story,
the way you twirled me around that dance floor,
you'd think it was 30 years ago.
Gosh, look at the time, I better go.
Oh, baloney!
It's late now, in 10 minutes it'll still be late.
You just sit yourself down right there.
Go on.
Attaboy. (giggles)
I had a nice time tonight, Blanche.
You know, I did too.
And I wasn't sure I would, if you want the truth.
What?
Well, this may sound funny, but I kept thinking,
here I am, so bald and so heavy.
What if I show up and Blanche looks
just as pretty as she did 30 years ago?
But I don't.
No, you don't.
(audience laughing)
What?
You look prettier.
No, I mean it, I mean it!
The face and the figure and that smile,
oh, it's all gotten better.
Unless it's just my age making me wanna see those things.
No!
(audience laughing)
I'm glad I looked you up, Blanche.
I haven't had this much fun in a long time.
Well, I guess I better be getting back to the hotel.
Oh, honey, are you sure you have to?
Blanche, are you asking me what I think you're asking me?
Think you might like some company tonight?
Maybe some other time, Blanche.
(audience laughing)
(gentle orchestral music)
What are you doing, Dorothy?
Oh, looking at the stars.
Pondering the universe.
I've been doing the same thing,
thinking how wonderful it would be
if there really were aliens.
Maybe it'd be just like Cocoon,
and they'd take us away and we'd never grow old.
See, I don't know, I like my life.
I mean, I'm not president or anything.
I'm just a teacher.
A substitute teacher.
A divorced substitute teacher, (audience laughing)
who can't even afford her own place to live.
Beam me up!
(audience laughing)
Beam me up, Dorothy, you believe?
Rose, they checked out what we saw,
and it actually was a UFO.
Dorothy, where are you going? We might miss the aliens.
That would be fine with me.
Dorothy, why are you talking that way?
I think it's wonderful that there
are other beings out there trying to meet us.
They might have solutions to all our problems,
cures for our diseases, new storylines for ALF.
(audience laughing)
They might also have tentacles on their legs
so that they can suck all the blood out of our heads!
I'm sorry, Rose, I'm sorry.
Part of me is very excited, but part of me is petrified.
I cannot relax with this.
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to because
Major Barker does not want us to say a word
about this to anyone until we hear from him again.
Not a word.
Is that understood?
Yes.
I thought I heard voices in here.
What you girls doing?
Oh, nothing.
We're just sitting talking.
Not talking about anything special.
The subject of aliens never came up.
(audience laughing)
Well, I can give you something
to talk about, my date tonight,
which turned out to be the most humiliating evening
I've ever spent in my entire life.
So, what are we talking about?
Blanche's date.
He turned me down, again!
I'm just devastated.
Oh, come on now, Blanche,
you said yourself you didn't find
him that attractive anymore.
That's not the point, Dorothy.
The point is to Blanche Devereaux,
sexuality and attractiveness are two very important things.
They are Blanche Devereaux.
It just tortures me to know that there's one man out there,
one on the face of God's green earth, that I cannot have.
Especially if he's fat and bald!
(audience laughing)
Blanche, forget about it.
I can't forget about it.
There's only one thing for me to do.
I'm going to call him up,
and tomorrow night I'm going out with that man again.
I don't care what amount of seducing
it takes, but as God is my witness,
I am not returning to this house until he has begged,
beseeched and pleaded with me to go to bed with him.
(audience laughing)
You know, that was the original
ending to Gone with the Wind.
(audience laughing)
(gentle orchestral music)
Ah, that was a terrific meal, Blanche.
Thanks again.
Well, you're welcome, Ham.
I just figured you deserved it before going back
to that high-tension, dog-eat-dog pressure pit you work in.
Blanche, I run a miniature golf course.
(audience laughing)
Your champagne, Ms. Devereaux.
Oh, thank you, Walter.
You will forgive me if this champagne
has a little effect on me, Ham.
Sometimes just having it setting
on the table sets my heart to racing.
Oh!
Feel.
Lower.
(audience laughing)
It's like there's some kind
of wild animal energy in there, just pounding,
pounding and burning, yearning and lusting,
just crying out to be released.
(cork popping)
(audience laughing)
I've never said this to another man, Ham,
but I feel a heat between us,
kind of a flame crackling and hissing.
I want you to put that flame out, Ham.
(audience laughing)
I want you to pluck me like a fruit,
and wash me off in your kisses,
and sink your teeth into my ripe, juicy flesh.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Let me make you happy, Ham.
All I need to know is that you
want me as much as I want you.
Maybe some other time, Blanche.
That does it!
I will not let you humiliate me any longer.
You may not want me, Ham Lushbough,
but I can promise you somewhere on this planet
I will damn sure find some man who does!
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(gentle orchestral music)
Hi, girls!
How'd it go, Blanche?
Oh, perfectly.
When Blanche Devereaux sets out to seduce
a man she doesn't drag her feet.
(doorbell ringing)
Blanche!
Well, Ham Lushbough, you sex-hungry devil!
(audience laughing)
Now, I told you, no more.
Go home and take a cold shower.
No, Blanche, not until you know the reason why
I keep telling you that I can't sleep with you.
Ma, listen, maybe watching some TV
in another room might be a good idea.
Fine, Dorothy, but keep the volume down.
(audience laughing)
Ma!
It's all right, Dorothy,
it's already out in the open anyway.
Come on in and say your piece.
Well, the reason is, we've been getting along
so well as friends lately that
I didn't want us to have another night
like that night we had in college.
In college, what are you talking about?
That night, the spring jamboree,
out at Grady's Motor Lodge?
Grady's Motor Lodge?
I never went to Grady's with you.
Sure you did.
I'll never forget it.
I mean you had your hair in braids,
you wore a pink bathrobe.
Pink, with a little lace trim?
Yes.
And matching slippers?
Yes.
Ham, that wasn't me, that was my sister Virginia.
That was Virginia?
How could I forget that?
That was the worst night I've ever
spent in bed with a woman in my life!
(audience laughing) (audience groaning)
Wait a minute, Ham,
are you saying the only reason you've kept turning
me down is because of the bad time you had that night?
Yes.
Oh!
Oh, well, Blanche, this changes everything.
Does all that stuff you said in the restaurant still go?
I don't think so, Ham.
(audience laughing)
The moment has passed.
We could never recapture it.
Blanche, that was just 20 minutes ago.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, Ham, but you were just a plaything
in my game of sexual conquest.
I was gonna use you.
Use me, use me.
(audience laughing)
Good-bye, Ham.
If you leave now, we can still have our memories.
I'll trade all my memories for a quickie.
(audience laughing)
Beat it, tubbo.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Oh, I wonder what would happen if
somebody called up my sister Virginia
and told her this terribly embarrassing story?
I guess there's only one way to find out.
(audience laughing)
Well, I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed.
You coming, Ma?
In a minute.
I gotta finish this article.
I love these military guys.
First they fly this top-secret bomber jet way off course.
Next they start denying it ever happened,
like nobody ever saw it flying over downtown Miami.
Rose.
Hi, Dorothy.
Rose, there's something we have to talk about.
There was an article in today's paper.
The one about the UFO being a secret bomber?
I'm sorry, Rose.
Sorry for what?
Just because that one bomber wasn't a UFO
doesn't mean we should stop watching for others.
Does it?
(audience laughing)
Oh.
Well, I guess there isn't much point
in sitting out here anymore, is there?
Oh, I don't know, Rose.
It's such a nice night.
Let's stay awhile.
Okay.
You know something, Dorothy?
You don't have to tell me this if you don't want to,
but underneath it all you believe in them, don't you?
You did from the very beginning.
I'm glad.
It's more fun.
It's like with Santa Claus.
The best Christmas we ever had was when
all eight of my brothers and sisters,
from Lily to Michael, all still believed.
That must be 10 years ago now.
(audience laughing)
(whooshing)
Dorothy!
Dorothy?
(gentle orchestral music)
(audience applauding)