New York City! If you're ready for the star of the show make some noise!
I said, if you're ready for the star of the show make some noise!
Give it up for the one and only...
Russell Peters!
Give it up for DJ Spinbad!
And Starting From Scratch!
Toronto and New York, the two best in the world.
What's up!
How you doing? What's going on?
Look at everybody all mixed up, I like that.
White girls with non-white guys, that's what I'm talking about, huh?
Black guy with an Asian girl, God damn!
You're like, we've got to capitalize on this Tiger Woods shit.
Somebody brought a kid, good job, huh? Good job.
That kid's going to learn some new shit tonight, my friend. He's...
Asians, good to see you.
You look upset, what's wrong?
You look like your looking for a Dance Dance Revolution
machine or something.
Asians love that Dance Dance Revolution, don't you? God damn!
They love Dance Dance Revolution.
DDR. That's the Short... that's what they call it. DDR.
See, I said it, that guy just smiled. "Oh, DDR!"
So good.
Do you know what it is, sir?
Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is?
It's not an actual revolution.
So you don't have to worry about that.
It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door,
"Hey! Start dancing!" It's not like that.
"It's a revolution!"
It's a video game, it's a videogame, you can relax again.
What it is, it's a TV screen in front of you,
and it's got these arrows that go in different directions,
they just keep moving, and they go in different directions
and they're different colours, and it plays this shitty Euro trash music
in the background, right?
It sounds like you're in the back seat of a Persian guy's car,
you know what I mean? Just...
Hey bro, this is the best music bro, this is...
hey bro, this is best bro, this is best bro, is the biggest thing in Europe bro,
is best in Europe bro.
So it's got the TV, the arrows,
and the shitty music and then on the ground in front of you
are these things that light up according to what you see on the screen
and you're supposed to step on that and that will teach you how to dance.
And the Asians love it!
I remember last year, I was in Singapore and the Chinese people in Singapore
were lined up outside the arcade.
Lined up to play Dance Dance Revolution.
And I was like, how hard can this shit be?
So I stood in line.
I get to the machine, I put my money in...
the hardest fucking thing I've ever tried in my life!
I didn't hit one single thing on the ground,
I was one step behind every moment.
I was doing so badly, at one point, the machine even said,
"Do you even have legs?" It just said that, right across the front of the screen.
At one point this came up, in front of the screen, one of these...
And I was doing so badly that the Chinese dude that was next was getting
mad at me because he thought I was bullshitting on the machine!
He starts yelling at me,
"Hey Asshole! If you're not going to play the game proper..."
"Then go play something else!"
"Go play something your people are good at!"
"Go play the taxi game!"
So I got mad, right? I'm like, alright fuck-face!
That's what I like to call people when I'm mad and I don't know their name.
"Fuck-face" I find is a good way of going about it.
Because you can't really get offended if someone calls you fuck-face, can you?
If I went, "Hey fuck-face," and you were like,
"What, you want to go? What, what?"
Like you would actually be a fuck-face. If you wanted to fight if some guy
called you fuck-face because really, there's worse things you could be
called than fuck-face.
What is a fuck-face?
It's the face you make when you fuck. That's all it is. It's...
This, this is a fuck-face, look.
Is that really so bad? Is it?
You don't even have to say it to somebody.
Next time some body cuts you off in traffic, pull up beside them and go,
"Hey!"
"You just called me fuck-face?"
But don't roll your eyes, don't roll your eyes.
When you do it, don't be like...
Because then, then you're cum-face.
You don't want to be cum-face. You just want to be fuck-face.
I don't know what it is about cumming, that makes your whole body
freeze for like, 10 seconds.
Okay! Ahh!
You get frozen in time, right? Oh my God, I'm going to...
It's like the end of a sitcom...
And then the credits come up...
Explain that to him.
So I'm like, "Alright, fuck-face! If you think you're so good,
let me see you play this!"
This son of a bitch... starts limbering up.
Gets to the machine, sets it to "advanced", starts playing.
He doesn't miss one single step, he's just...
It was the only time in my life I've seen
an Asian dude open his eyes really wide.
Just...
Do it, do it, open your eyes really wide, try it, try it.
Nothing happens, nothing happens!
I love it. Just... Just the eyebrows move.
That's it, it's just...
I'm an asshole.
Any Arabs in the house tonight? Arabs in the house?
Alright, thank you, goodnight! Alright.
What kind of Arab are you?
Oh good, yeah, you're united, good.
"blah-blah!" Is all I heard.
I don't know if you answered me in Arabic,
or if you said the country just now.
One at a time there fellas. What are you, what, what?
Libya!
Libya.
Lebanon!
Libya, Lebanon, any other L-countries?
Oh good, yeah.
Well, just for the record...
you're a stone's throw away from each other. Listen, I...
Just for the record, my Arab friends, I don't do any Arab jokes in my act.
It's not that I don't think you're funny, I just, you know, I don't know,
I don't want to... I don't know, I don't want to die.
See, because I'll do a joke about an Arab,
and they'll look like they're laughing.
But it's not the same laugh you're doing.
Like, I'll do a joke about an Arab and you guys will be like, "Ha, ha, ha!"
and you look at the Arab guy and he's like, "Ha, ha... ha."
"Oh no, I get it, it's funny joke. Ha, ha, ha."
"No, it's funny, I get it."
"Don't worry...
I will talk to him after."
Doesn't it feel like every time you turn on the news nowadays,
some new country is fucking with an Arab country?
Every time you turn on the news.
I kind of blame the media for what's going wrong in the world right now,
because they kind of just perpetuate stereotypes about people.
They don't tell you that's what they're doing,
they don't go, "hey, this is what you need to think,"
but they know how people's brains work.
What they do, they enforce all this shit, you know?
What they do, is they'll show you an image of somebody...
of a different racial background and then they'll show you
an alternate image like right away, of something completely different.
They don't say the two images are together, they kind of present it like,
"what do you think?"
Like, what they'll do is they'll show you like, an Asian guy...
And then a car accident.
They'll show you an Indian guy...
And a 7/11.
"What do you think?"
They'll show you an Arab guy and an explosion.
I knew it! You know...
That's how they get in your head. They put it in there.
Obviously when Arabic is being spoken on TV,
it's always like, these crazy people. And these protests in the Arab world.
And they're all speaking this really harsh Arabic.
And so it's like...
"Fuck America!"
Because that's what they want us to think is going on over there!
So I wanted to get to the bottom of this shit.
So I went to the Middle East last year.
Because I needed to get some rectifying for my...
Is it rectifying? whatever...
I needed to sort this shit out for myself.
Because I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic
was such an ugly language, because it's always like...
And people are like oh my God, no wonder they're angry,
they're vomiting on each other when they talk!
Then you go to the Middle East, and you hear real Arabs speaking
Arabic, and it sounds nice.
I was actually turned on by it.
Because I was at this café in Dubai and I'm chilling right,
and there are these two Arab girls having this conversation behind me
and I'm eavesdropping, I have no clue what the fuck they're saying.
But it sounded nice to me. Because all he hear behind me is...
And I was like, "Oh god, this is good."
But they never show you those Arabs on TV because they're boring!
They only show you the crazy...
Basically, all they're showing you of the Arab world
are the rednecks of the Arab world.
That's why their Arabic is so bad!
If you were to translate their Arabic accent into an American accent,
they'd sound like this, "We're gonna kill the whole fucking world! Yee-haw!"
That's what they would sound like!
That's how the media does it! They show you all the fucked up people!
That's all they show us is the messed up Arabs. I bet you in the Arab world,
all they show them of America is Jerry Springer.
"Look at Americans, they're fucking stupid!"
"He's fucking his cousin!"
"Not like you and me, it's different, they're doing it dirty."
"It's different, they do it some other way."
Look at all these Indian faces, Jesus Christ.
Look at you brown bastards, goddamn.
Indians just look upset that they had to spend money to be here tonight,
don't you?
Just the look on their face, just...
"This is bullshit."
"I don't know why I'm spending money to see someone that looks just like me."
"I can stay home and look in the mirror..."
"For free!"
We are an endless supply of cheap jokes!
And you know what the best thing about it is?
Indian people, we're proud of our cheapness.
You're never going to insult us by calling us cheap, that's the best part!
You walk up to am Indian, "You guys are cheap."
"Thank you for noticing, thank you."
"Thank you very much, thank you."
"That guy just called you cheap!"
"No, no, no, he pronounced it 'cheap'.
But what he was saying was 'smart'."
"Very smart, he was saying."
We're cheap. You know, here's the thing too.
It's not like I'm up here going "You Indian people are cheap,
and I'm the one that's not."
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no...
I am just as fucking cheap as you.
The difference is now I have money.
I'm just cheap in better stores!
I'll be looking at like an Armani shirt... I hate when this happens...
I'm looking at a shirt from like a high-end designer
and I flip the tag over and I see "Made in India".
I'm stuck with a real dilemma.
I'm like, "shit...
do I buy this?"
"Or do I call my uncle?"
I wonder if he knows where this factory is?
We are cheap. Everybody's cheap, aren't they?
Never call white people cheap.
White people get really upset when you call them cheap.
Have you ever called a white person cheap? They get very angry.
Because white people actually are probably the only people
that aren't cheap.
Ever call a white guy cheap? "You're cheap."
"Fuck you, I'm cheap. I'll buy you a beer, you want a beer?"
That's how white guys get around being cheap.
"You want a beer? You want a beer? You want a beer? You want a beer?"
"You want a beer, huh? You want a beer?"
"Fuck you, I'm not cheap, I bought everybody beer!"
Everybody's cheap. It's all about levels, you know?
Where are the Jews at? Jews in the house?
Alright Arabs, The Jews are in here. Go talk to them.
You've got some hugging to do.
Jews, I don't know how you got the title of being cheap,
it's very offensive to Indian people.
People are like, "Jews are cheap!"
We're like, "No, that is very incorrect."
"I am cheap."
"Jews are thrifty."
"Big difference."
There must have been like one Jewish guy back in the day, who was cheap,
and he fucked it up for the rest of you for the rest of your lives.
Because Jews aren't actually cheap.
You know who's cheap? Asians. Asians are cheap as shit.
Chinese people specifically.
Where the Chinese people at? Where are you?
Always the Woo family, nice.
Chinese people, you are cheap, like, it's crazy.
But it's about levels. Like, if you were to rate the top three
cheap people in the world,
Indians for sure would be number one on that list.
See? See the pride in it? Oh yeah, fantastic.
Fantastic.
We are it, egdum number one!
Indians for sure, number one on that list.
Very, very close second, Chinese, and Jews we'll give you third place,
just to keep you in the game, how about that, you know?
So you don't feel like you're losing everything. Alright? So...
But it's all about levels.
Like let's just say there's a Louis Vuitton boutique, right?
An Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store every day of his life
and never once step foot in there.
Like, "Not even on their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you."
Now if Louis Vuitton's having a sale,
Jewish guy's going in and he's buying shit.
It was on sale, what you want?
Nachus!
Chinese people, sale or no sale, you're going into Louis Vuitton...
Every day.
You never buy shit!
But you'll go in everyday.
Sales guy, "Can I help you, sir?" "Uh, no, just looking."
The minute the sales guy turns his back, Chinese guy whips out a camera...
ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching...
Goes home, e-mails the pictures to Hong Kong,
"Make this bag, quickly!"
"We'll sell it to the Indians!"
That's a sale you never want to see happening!
A Chinese guy trying to sell an Indian guy a Louis Vuitton bag?
Neither one of them can say Louis Vuitton properly!
Hey Mr. Indian guy!
You want a designer bag?
Who is this? Who is he?
This is the Indian hand motion for "I don't know."
"I don't know, who is he? I don't know."
"Who is he? Who is this? Who is this guy?"
"It's a designer bag, it's uh... initials, LV."
"Who is this? Who is this LV? Who is he?"
Remember growing up, "Dad, who finished the milk?"
"I don't know, I don't know."
"I wasn't there, I don't know."
"Son! I can't hear! Nothing!"
Nothing is coming!"
I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to mean!
"Nothing is coming! Nothing!"
"Who is this? Who is this LV?"
"That's, uh, designer initial."
"It has a name underneath."
"Who's wooon?"
"Who's loooseweetin?"
"Loosevutiiin?"
"Looseveen!"
What the fuck are you saying?
"I'm reading designer's name, Loosevootin."
Why don't you spell what you see?
"Okay."
"Okay, Looz..."
"Looz, is Looz, huh?"
"Absolutely, Looz is Looz."
"150 thousand percent sure!"
"Looz is Looz."
That's an Indian person convincing you of shit.
You ever try and buy something, like, give me the best price.
OK, Sir, I'm telling you, sir, final price.
Best price.
Take it and go.
Take it...
And go.
Take it and go.
"Okay. So Looz..."
"Looz is Looz."
Alright fine, Looz is Louis.
What's his last name?
"Weed-on."
I didn't say, "say it all fucked Up". I said, "Spell it out."
"Okay. Wee...
U-I...
T-T-O-N."
Because that's how we spell shit.
We'll go slow for the first three letters...
and then we jog through the other half of the name, don't we?
We do the same thing with phone numbers.
Alright, give me your phone number.
Okay, 212...
Triple five.
8246.
And the messed up part is, we know the rhythm.
Here's the thing with Indian people being cheap.
Our cheapness actually changed the world.
You see, you may be sitting there going,
"Well, how did your cheapness change the world?"
Well, let me tell you how.
Because our cheapness actually benefited everybody.
We're so dedicated to being cheap for so long...
that Indian people actually created the number zero.
Do you know how much dedication that took?
That means, back in the day some Indian guy was looking
at the numeric system.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
None of those are amounts I want to pay.
Then his friend came along and drew a circle.
"What's that?"
"Nothing."
"What's inside of it?"
"Nothing."
"What's its value?"
"Nothing."
"It's beautiful!"
"We shall call it...
zero."
"Take it and go."
Any Italian people in the house tonight? Italians?
Are you real Italian or are you like a New York Italian?
New York, that's not fucking real Italian, you know.
You what? Your parents are from Italy, so do you speak Italian?
Oh well, then you're real Italian.
As long as you speak Italian, to me you're real Italian.
Because I meet a lot of people in New York that are Italian,
but don't speak a fucking word of Italian.
But act more Italian than the actual Italians do.
I was standing in Manhatt...
I was standing right in Times Square the other day,
and this Italian dude walked past me.
He had uh, what I thought was an Indian girl; looked like an Indian girl,
and they walked past me. I was just standing there chilling.
You know, in Times Square, you can just stand there and look at shit.
So they walked past and I didn't check out his girl.
All I did was this...
They walked past, it was like.
It's an Indian thing,
the minute Indian people see another Indian person we're like...
"I thought I was the only one!"
That's the bubble we live in.
But I didn't gawk. She walked by and I just did this...
and I just continued looking at whatever, nothing, it was Times Square,
just looking at shit.
And I don't know how this dude saw me, but all of a sudden out behind me I hear,
"Hey!"
And it's Times Square, so you don't pay attention to every "Hey," that you hear,
so I'm just like, you know.
"Hey!"
"Hey, dick-face!"
And I was like, "dick-face"?
I want to see who this dick-face is.
I'm like, it's very close to my fuck-face.
If this is a fuck-face, what's a dick-face?
You know, I don't know. I don't know what a dick-face is?
I don't know what a dick-face is! So I want to see!
Where is this dick-face?
He goes, "Hey, dick-face!" And I go.
And he goes, "Yeah you!" I'm like, "I'm dick-face?"
"Where the fuck did you get the balls to look at my girl?"
Because what they do, is when they get angry,
they'll ask you a question and it's a really fucked up question.
And it's a rhetorical question, to be honest with you.
But they ask you like you're supposed to answer.
They wait for you to answer. "Where the fuck... let me ask you a question..."
"Where the fuck? Where?"
"Where the fuck do you get the balls to look at my girl? Where?"
And I'm like, "What?"
"Where! Show me! Why don't you fucking show me! Take me!"
"Take me to the fucking store where you got the balls to look at my girl!"
"Where? Where the fuck did you get the fucking balls!"
"Where?"
And I panicked, right? I'm like, "Costco."
I got a jar.
There's a big difference between that Italian and real Italians aren't there?
Because it's a race, it's a race-culture issue.
Everybody's got this race-culture issue in this country, you know?
Anywhere, you know...
There's a big difference between race and culture.
Because racially I'm an Indian man,
culturally, not at all.
Many of you may think you're Indian, or, you know, some people
think they're Italian even though they've never been to Italy in their lives,
they don't speak Italian.
It always bugs me how they call black people in America African-Americans.
You're not fucking African!
You're black!
If a black guy showed up in Africa tomorrow,
"What's happenin'?" he'd be like...
"That mother fucker's crazy! Get him away from me!"
They'd be looking for a white guy, "Oh my god, thank God you're here!"
"Those brothas over there are out of their minds!"
Same thing for me! You know, there's a big difference between race and culture.
Because all my life I've been identifying myself as an Indian man.
I'm always like, I'm Indian. What are you? I'm Indian.
Where you from? I'm Indian.
What do you mean, where am I from? I'm Indian.
And then I realised something. I was born and raised in Canada.
There's nothing Indian about me!
The only thing Indian about me are my parents and my skin tone.
That's it! Culturally, I'm not Indian at all.
And the only reason I know this is because last year
I went to India to do some shows.
And I thought I was Indian.
And when we were flying over to India, I got this overwhelming Indian feeling.
Inside of me I was like, "I'm the most Indian man ever!"
I just thought I was so Indian, you know?
We arrived in Bombay, I was like yelling at the flight attendant,
"Open the doors to this plane! Let me at my Indian people!"
"Let me show those Indians what it's like to be Indian!"
She opened up the doors to that plane, I turned Canadian so fast!
I was like, I am so...
Did I step in shit just now?
When you arrive in India, the minute they open the doors to that plane,
you get an overwhelming blast of shit smell right up your nose!
It's almost like they hire someone to shit in front of every plane that lands!
Quick, quick, here comes one. Shit, shit and go! Shit and go!
Go! go! go!
And if you're an Indian person out there, you're thinking to yourself,
"That's not true, that's not true."
Then fuck you, you probably had a cold or landed in the wrong country!
Because racially I'm an Indian man.
Culturally, there are things that happen culturally, if you are not raised
in that part of the world, you will find it unacceptable.
Like in India, grown-ass-men, grown-ass-men...
hold hands with other men.
And walk down the street. Like everything's okay!
And they don't just hold hands, they're holding fucking pinkies!
And swinging that shit!
And to them, there's nothing gay about it.
Here's the thing. There's nothing gay to them,
"I'm holding my friend's hand, what's gay about that?"
See, you grow up over here, there is no acceptable time for two straight men
to ever touch hands. Ever!
You ever walk through the mall with one of your guy friends
and your hand accidentally bumps into him...
Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you?!
Get off me!
But in India, grown-ass-men hold... And the guys holding pinkies,
the best shit about it is, they'll still try to mack on chicks.
Hello, hello...
Hello.
You're looking very lovely today.
Some guys act like thugs holding hands!
They'll be holding pinkies and eyeballing you.
Like they're trying to start some shit!
I was at the beach in Bombay, right? I am hanging out, this gang of like,
seventeen... sorry, sixteen...
Well, seventeen's an odd number. That would mean that one guy was like,
"Somebody hold my hand, somebody hold my hand!"
This gang of like, sixteen dudes is walking across the beach,
holding pinkies and giving everybody dirty looks.
With their dress pants and flip-flops.
How are you going to start a fight holding another man's hand?
How? how? "Let go, let go, let go!"
It's a different world over there, man. And I was there doing shows.
I remember before I went to India I was all nervous, right?
Because my friends were like, my friends were like,
"Hey Russell, man, when you go to India,
are they going to understand your jokes?"
and I was like, "I don't know, are they?"
and they were like, "Are you going to offend them?"
And I was like, "Fuck, I don't know!" Am I going to offend them?
Because I realized something before I went,
a lot of my jokes...
the punch line is the Indian accent!
But it was funny because when I performed in India,
every body understood every single thing that came out of my mouth.
Every joke, every line, every like, suggestion, they were with me,
they were with it, they were completely there.
And it was funny because every time I did the Indian accent,
they laughed harder.
Because I think that they don't think that they have that accent.
I think they think that there is like one guy in India with this accent.
Probably the same guy that's shitting in front of every plane,
you know what I mean?
Because they would come up to me on the streets,
people in India would walk up to me on the streets.
First of all, I don't know how the hell they recognised me on the streets.
I'm like, it's India.
There's over a billion and a half people there.
I look at least like fucking fifteen million people.
But they'd come up to me on the street and go, "Russell! Russell!"
They were so emphatic with their complements too. It was the best thing.
"Russell! Your show last night, your show, Russell!
Your show last night! Too good! Too good!"
"Too good! Son, first class! A1!"
"Fantastic! The show is fantastic!"
"Russell, your show is mind-blasting! Mind-blasting!"
Do you mean mind-blowing?
"No, no, no, anything can blow your mind."
"It blasted my mind! It was..."
It's an incredible place to go, I mean, for anybody,
whether you're Indian or not, just to go and see like,
history and shit that you've never seen before.
After my shows were done I went to Calcutta,
because that's where my mom is from and I went to go see my mom's
two brothers, my uncles, and I did something very rude
in the Indian culture; I didn't stay at my uncle's house.
And... Ooh... Right, so... Whatever, you know.
Because this is what I mean.
I'm too North American for my own good.
I'm too used to certain luxuries now.
You know, like running water.
A toilet.
Toilet paper!
There is only so much ass washing with a cup that I want to do in my life,
you know what I mean?
"Excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, pardon me,
pardon..."
"Sorry."
That one sounded runny.
She's never coming back.
"Are you kidding? Fuck that!"
It's warm in here, isn't it? It's nice.
I don't generally sweat.
I'm dabbing.
Maybe because I'm hairy, that's probably why I'm sweating.
I'm a hairy man, I don't care.
Men are supposed to be hairy, it's the way God built us.
Amen!
Thank you.
But that's the media, the media did that shit to us.
The media made it un-sexy to be hairy, have you noticed that?
That's what they did.
Because they show you images of dudes nowadays with no hair.
That's what they did, and it gets in your head,
you don't know it's getting in your head.
Remember the 70s? All the men had big hairy chests.
And all the women were like, "Ooh, he's such a man."
Now, you see a guy running across the beach with no shirt on,
and no body hair or leg... anywhere, there's no hair.
And women are like, "That's what a man should look like!"
No, that's what a fucking woman should look like.
They do it to target the younger women.
Younger women generally fall for this shit.
I know, because I sleep around.
I don't discriminate. Young, old...
Sexy's sexy.
I was with this one girl, she was in her early 20s,
I took of my shirt and she got physically mad that I had hair on my chest.
She started pointing, she was like, "Ew! You're fucking gross!"
Have you ever felt your penis invert? Have you ever had that feeling?
I had to sit down and pee for a month.
Speaking of sit down and pee, look who's back!
You were gone long, damn.
You were like, "Hey, we're going to go see the Indian guy,
maybe we should have Indian food."
She's like, "Honey I don't think Indian food with such a good idea tonight."
You're Italian, are you a hairy dude?
Yeah? And you like it, right?
It's good, it's more masculine when they're hairy, isn't it?
You don't like hair? Look, you paused, you did an inhale, you did this, I went,
"You like hairy," she went, "Um..."
He doesn't have what?
He doesn't have back hair, that's the problem.
Oh, back hair is the problem. He doesn't have back hair, so he's ok.
Ooh...
Fuck that.
Men are hairy, that's how we're built. And I'm not saying that if you were born
without body hair that you're less of a man, that's just the way God built you.
Maybe he doesn't love you as much.
But, I'm saying I don't trust guys that have hair and get rid of it.
I don't trust you, you're a fucking douche bag.
There's certain grooming that's okay, that is acceptable in my eyes, you know,
like if you have a unibrow...
and you get rid of the middle.
That's fine. I had a unibrow. I got rid of it.
I've got two eyebrows now.
That to me made good sense mathematically.
If I have one, chop it in half, I have two!
But I don't trust dudes, you did your eyebrows,
I see you did brother, I know you did. Italian guy...
No, you did the middle, and then You got carried away
because your shit is...
Get a shot of that guy! His shit is way too neat!
Look at how neat that is!
That's not natural!
Men shouldn't pluck their eyebrows!
Because we don't know what the end result is supposed to look like!
I said to one of my friends, I go, "Yo man, you've got a unibrow."
"Yo man, what should I do?"
"Here are some tweezers."
"Okay. What do I do now?" "Just pluck them out dude,
pluck them out! I'll leave you to it."
I left him to it. I left him at his house, he shows up at my house the next day...
He kept plucking his eyebrows.
He shows up at my house the next day like this...
I'm like, "Did you do something to your eyebrows?"
"No, why?"
"Oh, I don't know, because you look fucking surprised!"
For two weeks, I couldn't take the guy seriously.
"I've got some bad news."
How do you sleep with that shit?
I'll admit to doing one extra thing, and I'll admit it to you.
I trim the hair on my chest.
I trim it. I don't shave it off, I just trim it down.
Let's see!
We'll talk after, sweetheart.
I have clippers that I travel with, you know, for your hair,
and I trim the hair on my chest.
You know, I give myself like, a fade.
You know why I trim? I'll tell you, I have a reason for trimming it.
Just because I don't want this shit, hanging out the front of my shirt
like this.
I hate... Now see, yours is low, you're okay.
I don't like when I'm talking to somebody and they have this shit hanging out
the front of their shirts because it distracts the hell out of me.
"Hey, what's up?" "Oh nothing, got a new job...
Thinking about buying some real estate.
Met a new girl, she's really great."
And then a breeze comes along and...
So, I trim it, I trim it down. I start here.
You know, I start with a zero.
Then one, two, three, it's nice. You know, very gradual.
It's a really good fade.
It looks like the back of Arsenio Hall's head in '91.
Just a really good fade.
Why are you acting like I'm the only guy in this room who shaves his balls?
Why? Why is this happening right now?
You're a ball shaver, aren't you?
I mean, I don't mean of everybody, I mean of your own. I mean...
I don't mean like you've got a shop in the street, you know,
"Welcome to Barney's Ball Shaving Hut."
You don't shave your balls, dude?
Why wouldn't you? It's just better!
It's free!
I could stand here right now and do this, look...
And I know my balls are going...
You have a big bush, they're not moving, they're just moving with you.
Women appreciate the effort. When you pull it out
and there's nothing there, look.
See, those are the sluts that see a lot of dick. Those are them.
Hello whores!
It's better! It's just better presentation, that's why.
And the real reason, honestly, the real reason I shave it down?
To make my dick look bigger. That's why.
It's true, that's why, I'm not afraid to admit it.
You know, if you mow the lawn, the yard looks bigger.
That's what you do, that's...
Because let's be honest, as a brown man to another brown man.
God wasn't kind to us in the dick department, alright.
I'm not saying he short-changed us, okay?
I'm just saying that he didn't give us any extra shit.
God gave Indian people a lot of things, big dicks, not one of them.
He was like, "Alright, here's what's going to happen, Indians...
You're going to be great with computers."
"Okay..."
"You're going to be able to survive in the worst conditions imaginable."
"Okay..."
"You're going to be able to leave those conditions, go anywhere in the world
and become successful."
"Fantastic..."
"Hey God?" "Yeah?"
"What about penises?"
"Sorry, buddy."
"Average."
Then he called the black people over,
"Come here for a minute, I want to talk to you."
"Listen, um, people are going to be fucking with you for centuries."
"Here's a little extra dick."
"Nah, don't worry about it, I took it from the Indians, it's okay."
It colour matches perfectly.
But I do, I do, and see, the media put that in our heads too.
They made us insecure about the size of our penises.
You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with
these giant hogs on 'em,
these fucking Chernobyl waste, nuclear reactor dicks on them.
You watch that, and you see this guy, and you're like all my God I'm never
going to have a dick like that.
You're not supposed to have a dick like that!
Animals shouldn't have dicks like that!
Then you watch TV late at night, they've got all these products,
male enhancement pills and... "Honey, what's that?"
"It's a natural male enhancement."
"Oh really? For energy?"
"No. Natural male enhancement."
"Ooh!"
They make you insecure about the size of your penis
and then women see this and they get caught up in the hype!
I've heard chicks, "Oh my God, I just want a guy with a big dick.
I just like guys with big dicks. I don't know, they're something
about a big dick that I just love.
I don't even care what he looks like, if he's got a big dick, that's cool."
I'm like, that's because you're a fucking whore, that's why.
Your vagina's huge!
You know, instead of giving me a pill to make my dick bigger,
here's a cream to tighten you up!
So, what I'm saying is, as a brown man, with my balls shaved and everything,
I can confidently whip out my wiener.
I can go like this, "ta-da!"
But if you have a big bush down there...
You're going to pull it out and she's going be like, "Is that it?"
and you go, "No, no, but wait, there's more!"
Ladies, what I'm saying is...
you shouldn't get caught up in all that penis size hype.
Just don't get caught up in it. Because let me tell you something.
You need to start sleeping with us guys with smaller, to regular sized penises.
Because we put in way more effort.
Let me tell you something, guys with big dicks are never going to make love to
you properly. You know why?
They don't have to. They've got a big dick!
They just show up!
"Was'sup?"
I can't believe I did that with my mom in the audience!
Sorry Mom!
I have a theory, alright?
I have a theory. I believe that the size of your penis
is indirect correlation with how much sex you will have in your life.
The smaller your dick, the more you will fuck.
Because we got our pride is riding on it, you know?
Our ego is at stake.
"You got a small dick." "Oh yeah? You think I have
a small dick? I'm going to fuck you, I'm going to fuck your friends...
I'm going to fuck this stool, I don't care! I'll fuck, a water bottle!
I'll fuck everything! We don't care, we're just fucking everything!"
The smaller your dick, the more you will fuck.
You don't believe me? Look at the two largest populations in the world.
Chinese guys started clapping like, "Yeah! Oh, wait a minute..."
"Diu lai lo-mo!"
It's funny, I look over at the kid, he's just like...
"I don't know what's happening anymore."
"I don't even have balls yet."
I hope it wasn't a shot of the kid's nuts; that would be awkward, wouldn't it?
I don't like a lot of sports, I'll be honest with ya. I hate soccer, I hate soccer.
No, what are you... You boo because I have an opinion?
"Boo your opinion!"
"Get out of America! We don't like your thoughts!"
I hate soccer! Fuck soccer!
And fuck you for liking it!
Let me tell you why I don't like soccer. Because they have this World Cup.
World Cup.
Let me tell you something about the World Cup.
It's not the fucking World Cup. You know why?
Because the two countries that represent me are never in
the World Cup.
Canada and India are never in the World Cup.
Canada, for obvious reasons.
It's a world event.
We don't get involved in world events.
We look at the U.S., are you guys going?
Yeah? Oh, no, go ahead, that's great, yeah, that's perfect, yeah.
No, no, we'll stay back; we'll tidy up. Don't worry about it, it's cool.
It always bothers me that India is never in the World Cup!
We're the second largest population in the world!
There's 1.2 billion people over there!
We can't come up with 11 fucking guys to make a team?
You know what the problem is?
You have no idea how hard it is to kick a ball straight with curly toed shoes on.
We're standing in the middle of the field,
"I'm open, I'm open!"
"Where the hell is the ball going?"
It always freaks me out that the Chinese are never in the World Cup.
You're the largest population in the world and you're known for kicking.
Waa! But it's kicking!
You know why I want to see the Chinese team in the World Cup?
I want to see the Chinese team when they get into their huddle.
That's what I really want to see.
You see all the other countries when they get into their huddle,
"Alright guys, we're going to get out there,
we're going to pass that ball around,
we're going to have a good time. Alright? Go team!"
Then you see the Chinese team,
"Okay..."
"Hey asshole, listen up!"
"When you see the ball coming...
Then you go down the field!"
"Chase the gwai-lo with the ball!"
"Something's going down!"
"Be a man!"
I love Latin people. They're fun to me, man.
You're Latino, bro, are you? What are you?
Colombian. Your girl, Latina? She...
What are you, Colombian as well?
Oh, you found each other.
"Mira, Colombiana?"
"Si."
"Colombiano?"
"Si."
"Ay-yay-yay..."
I love Latin people. Any Portuguese people here tonight?
Portuguese? Really?
Brazilian too? Any Brazilians? You're Brazilian?
Brazilians speak Portuguese, though, right?
You speak Portuguese, though right? Yeah.
So if you speak Portuguese...
Obviously, you can understand Spanish then, right?
Because they're very similar to each other, aren't they?
You ever hear somebody speaking Portuguese?
Doesn't it sound like Spanish being spoken by a deaf person?
Portuguese just sounds like really badly pronounced Spanish, doesn't it?
Here's a Spanish guy counting to three: "Unos, dos, tres."
Here's a Portuguese guy: "Unos, dos, tres."
"Quattro, cinqo!"
"Fa-ga-ga!"
Here's a Spanish guy: "Como estas?"
Here's a Portuguese guy: "Como estas?"
"Gnaa!"
You know, somebody got mad at me one night.
They go, "You know, Russell...
it's cool when you make fun of different races."
"But you shouldn't talk about deaf people."
I was like, "What?"
"Yeah, you shouldn't talk about deaf people."
No seriously, what?
You know what? Fuck deaf people!
Are they here?
Even if they were, it's up to you to tell them what I'm saying.
Fuck 'em in their ears!
Let me tell you something about deaf people.
Does anybody here know sign language?
And I mean actual sign language. Not this.
And not gang signs. You can't do gang signs to a deaf person.
They'd be like, "That guy stutters."
You know.
If you know sign language, you'll know that I'm not making this shit up.
Whoever invented sign language had their own little racist agenda happening.
Because sign language is a very offensive way of communicating.
They're trying to change it now to make it more politically correct.
I'm serious, do you know what the sign for Chinese person is?
Let me tell you something. It's exactly what you think it is.
Do you still feel bad for these deaf sons-of-bitches?
You know, what the sign for Indian person is?
Because I live in LA, I had to learn the sign for Mexican.
I learned two signs for Mexican.
The first one doesn't even seem offensive 'till you find out what it is.
Here's the first sign for Mexican, look.
You know what that is? A poncho.
Here's the second sign for Mexican, this is fucked up too! Look.
A long-ass moustache!
What the fuck does that have to do with being Mexican?
My gardener's never shown up at my house, "Ola senor!"
"I'm here to shave the grass!"
You're Colombian, I don't know what the sign for Colombian is. Probably...
You know, I don't know, I'm just saying.
Cubans, probably...
I don't know, I'm just saying. I'm speculating on these ones.
Black people, I don't know what the sign for black people is.
It's probably fucked up, you know what I mean?
I don't know, I think he was a knee-grow.
I'm just saying, I don't know. I cannot confirm these ones.
But anything is possible.
Do you know what the sign for retard is?
This is foul. I'm not making this up. This is the sign for retard...
That's the sign for retard!
You could have two deaf guys standing there like, "Hey, look."
You have handicapped people mocking other handicapped people!
Jews, I don't know what you've done to the deaf community,
I don't know if they had land and you wanted it, but I learned...
I learned three signs for Jewish people. And I'm not making this shit up.
Each sign is progressively more offensive than the next.
The first, here is the first sign for Jewish person.
Now the first sign isn't so bad. It kind of makes sense when you see it.
Here's the first sign for Jewish person, look.
Right? It's a long beard.
You go oh, that makes sense, a Hasidic guy.
Yeah it makes sense, right?
Then they start to get fucked up. And I'm not making this shit up.
Here's the second sign for Jewish person.
That's fucked up, isn't it?
And here's the third sign for Jew.
And I'm not making any of this shit up, look!
That is some foul shit!
Arabs, I don't know what the sign for Arab is,
but I can only imagine, you know...
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
You know what, it can't be La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Because deaf people can't hit that note!
Nga-nga-nga-nga-nga-nga!
Thank you very much, New York, you guys were awesome!
Good night.
Subtitles by LeapinLar