[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
GENTLEMEN, DENNIS MILLER. male announcer: LADIES AND
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- NICE TO BE HERE TONIGHT
ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. IN BEAUTIFUL
[cheers and applause]
CURRENTLY BEING LED THE GOLDEN STATE
BY GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN.
[audience boos, hisses]
THIS IS TOO EASY.
[laughter]
EXISTENTIALIST JERRY BROWN'S A SELF-PROCLAIMED
GONE OFF HIS FATHER'S NICKEL WHO APPEARS TO HAVE
SOMEWHERE IN HIS EARLY 20s AND ON TO THE PUBLIC DIME
AND HASN'T STRAYED TWO ANGSTROMS
IN THE INTERIM HALF CENTURY. FROM THE POLITICAL BUBBLE
YOUR AIDS THE DAY OFF TOMORROW LISTEN, JER, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
FUCKING SOCKS, OKAY... AND MATCH YOUR OWN
[cheers and applause]
ON HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE? BEFORE YOU START LECTURING ME
ANY MORE FULL OF SHIT, IF JERRY BROWN WERE
OF HIS OWN STATE'S HE'D BE IN VIOLATION
NEW FOIE GRAS LEGISLATION.
[cheers and applause]
SORRY, GRASSHOPPER.
A 13.3% INCOME TAX WE CURRENTLY HAVE
IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.
13.3%.
IN CALIFORNIA ARE SO HUGE NOW YOU KNOW, THE TAX RATES
THE CALIFORNIA LOTTERY, THAT WHEN YOU WIN
YOU HAVE THREE OPTIONS NOW.
YOU CAN TAKE IT IN A LUMP SUM,
YOU CAN TAKE IT IN INSTALLMENTS,
OR YOU CAN NOT TAKE IT.
[cheers and applause]
SPEAKING OF WINNING THE LOTTERY,
INDUSTRY IN OUR STATE. DISABILITY NOW A COTTAGE
IN CALIFORNIA, A LOT OF BACKBONE PROBLEMS
MOST OF THEM FIGURATIVE.
SECTOR REACH AGE 50. UNION MEMBERS IN THE PUBLIC
IN THEIR GIDDYUP, A LOT OF THEM GET A HITCH
IN THE LUMBAR LOTTERY, PULL THE WONKA TICKET
AND THEN, YOU KNOW...
GIMP OFF INTO THE SUNSET.
CALIFORNIA NEEDS A BIG UNION I SOMETIMES THINK THAT
WHO ARE NON-UNION MEMBERS. OF ALL THE PEOPLE
[cheers and applause]
OVER HERE IN A GREEN HOTEL. PRODUCERS HAVE PUT ME UP
I NEVER KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT. YOU'VE HEARD THAT TERM.
I REALIZE IT'S A HOTEL NOW THAT I'M STAYING IN ONE,
STAYING IN A GOOD HOTEL. THAT MAKES YOU ENVIOUS OF PEOPLE
- BOO! [laughter]
[applause]
LIST MY ROOM IN THE BROCHURE - THEY OFFICIALLY
AS THE PARTIALLY SUBMERGED
JUNIOR SUITE. DEER HUNTER RAT CAGE
IN THE ROOM. ALMOST NO FURNISHINGS
YOU EVER HAD THAT LOOK?
BUT JUST A HEMP MANUAL I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO SIT
A STOOL OUT OF MY OWN STOOL. TELLING ME HOW TO CRAFT
[laughter, applause] - BOO!
MR. ENVIRONMENT, HUH? - GOOD OLD AL GORE,
HE ALWAYS HAS TO ACT SMARTER. YOU KNOW, GORE--
IN INCONVENIENT TRUTH IF HE HAD SAID "CLIMATE CHANGE"
INSTEAD OF "GLOBAL WARMING,"
HOW FUCKED WE'D ALL BE? DO YOU REALIZE
IS ANYTHING. BECAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE
HE HAD TO PICK ONE, IT'S JUST HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE,
AND HE PICKED THE WRONG ONE.
YOU KNOW...
[cheers and applause]
I COULD EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT
MOISTURE, AND, YOU KNOW, A HEATED OCEAN WILL CAUSE
YOU CAN HAVE MORE RAIN AND SNOW. MOISTURE IN THE ATMOSPHERE,
ENVIRONMENTALISTS, BUT HONEST TO GOD,
QUIT RIPPING INTO ME.
I AM SERIOUS WHEN I ASK YOU,
HEATING UP MAKE IT COLDER? HOW CAN THE PLANET
THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW.
SON OF A BITCH I AM QUIT TELLING ME WHAT A STUPID
AND TELL ME THAT.
I THINK YOU'RE BLUFFING. WHEN YOU DON'T TELL ME THAT,
THINK YOU HAVE AN ANSWER. I THINK--I MEAN, I DON'T
[cheers and applause]
THAT YOU'RE AWARE SOMEBODY TELL ME
OF ANY GIVEN MAGAZINE THAT THE GREEN ISSUE
THAN THE THICKEST ISSUE, OKAY? SHOULD BE NO ISSUE AT ALL RATHER
OVER THERE, RIGHT? YOU STILL GET THAT
HAS A BIGGER CARBON FOOTPRINT NOW, GORE HIMSELF, OF COURSE,
WITH PLANTER FASCIITIS. THAN EMMETT KELLY
GLOBAL WARMING.
FOLKS? CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING,
SCREWED UP RIGHT NOW, THE WORLD IS SO
SPONTANEOUSLY INTO FLAMES-- THE PLANET BURSTING
LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS.
IT'S HOT ONCE IN A WHILE. YOU WANT TO HEAR MY TAKE ON IT?
SUN'S HOT. YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HOT?
'CAUSE IT'S THE SUN. YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HOT?
AND IT'S ALWAYS BEEN HOT.
AND I WAS-- IT WAS HOT WHEN I WAS A KID,
FROM IT BACK THEN. I WAS EVEN A LITTLE FURTHER AWAY
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
IT'S COLD. AND WHEN IT'S NOT HOT,
AND THE BACK AND FORTH, AND THEN IT GETS HOT AGAIN,
THAT ESCHER PRINT BYPLAY,
THAT'S WEATHER.
IT RUNS HOT. IT RUNS COLD.
JOHN MAYER AND KATY PERRY. LIKE, YOU KNOW,
NOW, IS THAT THAT HARD, REALLY?
ENVIRONMENTALISTS THIS, I MEAN, WHEN I TRY TO TELL
TO TEACH A PARROT TO SAY "FUCK." I FEEL LIKE I'M TRYING
AFTER--AT LEAST IN L.A. COUNTY-- AND THE E.P.A. IS NOW GOING
AND FIREPLACES. WOOD BURNING STOVES
TO BUILD THEM ANYWHERE. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
[chuckles] WE'RE GOING AFTER FIRE.
I MEAN, ARE YOU--
OUT FROM THE APES ORIGINALLY. ALL THE THINGS THAT SEPARATED US
WHEEL AND STANDING UPRIGHT. WATCH OUT,
I MEAN, COME ON.
[cheers and applause]
OTHER WAYS TO HELP OUT. I'VE BEEN PONDERING
TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE.
UP TO A CABLE, WHY NOT HOOK OUR CAR BATTERIES
THROUGH THE GLOVE BOX, AND THEN YOU RUN THE CABLE
A BEANIE-COPTER HAT, PLUG IT INTO
ON YOUR DOG'S HEAD, AND THEN YOU PUT THAT
OUT THE WINDOW ON THE HIGHWAY, AND WHEN HE HANGS HIS HEAD
YOU CAN GET THAT--
- BOO! [applause]
- JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT.
ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT, DON'T WE? WE LOVE TO BEAT OURSELVES UP
SELF-FLAGELLATIVE. GOD, IT'S SO
HITTING THEMSELVES IT REMINDS ME OF THOSE GUYS
WITH CHAINS IN THE MID-EAST.
ALWAYS BEATING OURSELVES UP
WE ARE OF THE WORLD. ABOUT WHAT BAD STEWARDS
THE OTHER NIGHT-- I'M WATCHING DISCOVERY CHANNEL
MAYBE IT WAS ANIMAL PLANET-- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,
JACQUES COUSTEAU'S KID ON. AND THEY'VE GOT
ON A CORAL REEF. HE'S NIGHT DIVING
HE'S GOT THE FLOOD LIGHT
AT THE RED ROCK CONCERT. THAT BONO USED
HE'S JAMMING IT INTO THE EYES
MORAY EEL THAT'S BEEN-- OF THIS OLD SQUINTY
INTO A LITTLE COHIBA TUBE. K.Y. JELLY
THE GUY'S LECTURING ME YOU KNOW, AND--
IS COMPROMISING THE REEF. ON HOW MANKIND
I'M HOME IN BED, ALL RIGHT? HEY, FUCK-SNORKEL,
THE PENIS-SAURUS, MY FRIEND. YOU'RE THE ONE HAND JIVING
IF IT IS GETTING HOTTER, BY THE WAY,
THE A-TEAM KNOWN AS MANKIND? WHO'S GONNA FIX IT,
YOU BEEN TO A MALL LATELY?
WEAR OUT OF THE HOUSE. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE
ARE GONNA BE TRUST ME, THE HOI POLLOI
TOO BUSY TO FIX GLOBAL WARMING.
A LOT ON THEIR PAPER PLATES. THEY ALREADY HAVE
AND TEXTING AND INSTAGRAMMING WHAT WITH FACEBOOKING
AND TWEETING, YOU KNOW,
BEEN MORE CHRONICLED. NEVER HAVE LIVES LESS LIVED
[cheers and applause]
IF ONLY LOUIS AND CLARK
THIS ASSIDUOUSLY. HAD ANNOTATED THEIR DAYS
ABOUT TWITTER I LIKE IS ONE GOOD THING
HAVE TO HOPE AND PRAY IN THE PAST, I ALWAYS USED TO
WHO HATED MY GUTS. THAT I WAS UPSETTING PEOPLE
IN THE FACT AND NOW I GET TO DELIGHT
THEY ACTUALLY THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE
AND BECOME MY FOLLOWER. HAVE TO HIT A COMPUTER KEY
THAT'S A NICE, LITTLE VICTORY.
FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, HUH? MILEY CYRUS, NOW ONE OF THE MOST
LIKE THE FIRE HOSE TONGUE HANGING OUT
BETWEEN FLOORS IN DIE HARD. BRUCE WILLIS USED TO GET
LAST YEAR IN NORTH DAKOTA WE'RE SO IN LOVE WITH OURSELVES,
WHO ACTUALLY MARRIED HERSELF. THERE WAS A WOMAN
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT STORY?
IN AN ACTUAL CEREMONY. SHE MARRIED HERSELF
A PICTURE OF THE WOMAN? HAVE YOU SEEN
LET'S JUST SAY SHE SETTLED.
[cheers and applause]
LET'S TALK ABOUT ME. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT NARCISSISTS.
I JUST VISITED ITALY. BEEN TRAVELING,
GREAT FOOD, HUH? YEAH.
JUST LIKE OLIVE GARDEN.
BEEN TO AN OLIVE GARDEN. I'M KIDDING, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY
A COUPLE TIMES, I'M SAD TO SAY I'VE GONE THERE
I CAN'T GET IN. AND IT'S ALWAYS SO CROWDED,
AT THE DOOR AT AN OLIVE GARDEN? YOU EVER GET TURNED AWAY
I TOOK MY SONS DOWN.
LIKE, HALF AN HOUR, WE'RE STANDING OUT THERE,
AND HE GOES, AND MY KID LOOKS AT ME,
TO BE FAMOUS?" "HEY, DAD, WHAT'S IT LIKE
AT AN OLIVE GARDEN'S GETTING TURNED AWAY
REFUSE YOUR LOOSE CHANGE. LIKE HAVING A PANHANDLER
IF I OWNED AN OLIVE GARDEN, YOU KNOW,
AS MY COMMERCIAL SPOKESPERSON? YOU KNOW WHO I'D HIRE
AMANDA KNOX.
[audience "oohs"] NO, WAIT. HEY...
LET ME FINISH.
THIS WOULD BE A BANG-UP AD.
FOR OLIVE GARDEN. "HI, I'M AMANDA KNOX
ACTUALLY VISIT ITALY--" YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'T
[applause]
ALL RIGHT, SOME MORE BIO ON ME.
LAST YEAR, 2013. I HAD A SOMEWHAT ROUGH YEAR
I PERFORMED IDENTITY THEFT IN APRIL OF LAST YEAR
AND IT RUINED MY CREDIT RATING. ON A FUCKUP,
I, UM...
I'M 60 YEARS OLD NOW.
[applause]
WHERE I PUT MY GINKGO BILOBA. TODAY I ACTUALLY FORGOT
MY DR. DRE BEATS HEARING AID. EVENTUALLY FOUND IT NEXT TO
OUT OF SHAPE AT AGE 60. A LITTLE BIT
WARRIOR OVER THE FIRST, UH... HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN A WORKOUT
LET'S SAY 60 YEARS OF MY LIFE.
OF OUT OF SHAPE IS NOW? YOU KNOW WHAT MY DEFINITION
A HIKE WITH A FRIEND, IF I GO OUT FOR
ON A MOUNTAIN TRAIL, WAY, WAY OUT THERE
INTO COMPLETE CARDIAC ARREST, AND MY FRIEND GOES
PERFORM C.P.R. ON HIM, AND I BEGIN TO
AND I HAVE TO TAP OUT
BECAUSE I'M GAS, JIMMY. AFTER TWO ROTATIONS
I'M GAS, FOR CHRIST SAKE.
IF I HAVE ONE TOO? WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO YOU
OR SOMETHING NOW? DON'T YOU HAVE AN APP
COMING DOWN THE ROAD, HUH? YOU KNOW THAT'S
'CAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU, I COPYRIGHTED THE NAME "ZAPAPP,"
IF YOU GOT A CHENEY-LIKE TICKER,
THEY'RE GONNA SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE
UNDER YOUR LEFT NIPPLE. PUT A LITTLE TRANSISTOR
JUST PULL OUT YOUR PHONE, ZAP! YOU GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST,
YOU KNOW.
FIRST RESPONDER. YOU GOT TO BE YOUR OWN
BUT I DO NOTICE THIS AFTERNOON, I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH AGING,
AND SPENT THREE HOURS I WENT ON GOOGLE EARTH
BALD SPOT FROM DEEP SPACE. LOOKING AT MY MALE-PATTERN
OF JEANS NOW. BUYING A TAD BIGGER SIZE
RECENTLY AT COSTCO. I WENT SHOPPING FOR JEANS
THE MIDWAY, WALKING DOWN THE MAIN DRAG,
SIZED PALLET OF DENIM. WAS CONFRONTED BY AN ANNAPURNA-
WAS A 44 WAIST, 28 INSEAM. THE PAIR ON TOP OF THE PILE
GOING TO A DUDE RANCH. I CAN ONLY ASSUME PENGUIN'S
[laughter, applause]
THAN SOME, THOUGH. I'M AGING BETTER
TURN INTO TILDA SWINTON? DID I-- WHEN DID BRUCE JENNER
[cheers and applause]
A MEETING OR SOMETHING? I MEAN, DID I MISS
I WENT TO BED ONE NIGHT,
AT THE OLYMPICS. HE WAS THE DECATHLON CHAMPION
MR. DRYSDALE'S SECRETARY. WOKE UP, HE WAS
ARE GETTING UP THERE, HUH? SOME OF THESE ROCK BANDS
RIP VAN HALEN TOUR LAST YEAR? ANYBODY GET OUT AND SEE THE
WANT TO SEE DAVID LEE ROTH
LEG SPLITS NOW, HUH? DO ONE OF THOSE VAN DAMME
UP THROUGH HIS GULLET KNOCK HIS NADS
POWERBALL NUMBERS OR SOMETHING. LIKE HE'S PICKING THAT NIGHT'S
THE END OF A LONG DAY. LONG DAY TODAY,
CHISANBOP LESSON I HAD A 10:30 A.M.
WHO WAS THE INTERPRETER WITH THE GUY
AT THE MANDELA MEMORIAL. FOR THE DEAF
AND I THINK, WHAT THE-- I REMEMBER WATCHING,
MAURY WILLS TO STEAL? IS THIS GUY TELLING
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
BIG TIME OF THE YEAR FOR SPORTS. I LOVE SPORTS.
WE GOT THE MASTERS COMING UP.
WHEN THIS AIRS. IT WILL HAVE BEEN PLAYED
OF THE BASEBALL SEASON. BEGINNING
[applause] LAST--YEAH, VERY EXCITING.
GO BLUE.
THE ATLANTA BRAVES HOME OPENER, LAST YEAR I WENT TO
WAS, YOU KNOW, AWW-NA-NA-NA. AND EVERYBODY IN THE CROWD
NA-NA-NA-NA.
AT THE BALLPARK, SO, UM, PLUS IT WAS MOHEL DAY
IT HAD A REAL--
MOVE THERE. REALLY AN AUTHENTIC
TO A CONCLUSION. NBA SEASON COMING
IN THE PLAYOFFS. WE'RE ABOUT TO GO
GUYS ARE THE LAKERS, RIGHT? IS THERE A TEAM--I GUESS YOU
[groaning and applause] YEAH?
I'M NOT FROM L.A.
TEAM'S THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS. I LIKE THE LAKERS SECOND, BUT MY
ACQUIT THEIR BUSINESS ADMIRABLY. I LIKE THE SPURS BECAUSE THEY
THE SEEM LIKE GENTLEMEN.
THEY PLAY DEFENSE. I LIKE THE WAY
AND IN THE PLAYOFFS,
OUT FROM LONG DISTANCE. THEY SHOOT THE LIGHTS
HIT MORE THREES I MEAN, THESE GUYS
WERE NO FOURS AVAILABLE. THAN BILL CLINTON WHEN THERE
NOW THAT ROGER GOODELL, I'M MOVING AWAY FROM FOOTBALL
IS TRYING TO SOLVE THE COMMISSIONER,
IN THE UNLIKELIEST OF PLACES, ALL THE PROBLEMS OF MANKIND
THE FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM.
ROGER GOODELL IS NOW STRIVING
THE SAFE VIOLENT GAME. TO MAKE FOOTBALL
LIBERAL APPROACH, IT'S LIKE A TYPICAL
WITH BOUNCY CRACK HOUSES. LIKE FIGHTING HARD DRUGS
- BOO!
FROM INTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER. - LIBERALS SO OFTEN SUFFER
GONE NUTS, HASN'T IT? BOY, THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S
INSIDE-OUT, FLIPPED AROUND. EVERYTHING'S TURNED
FOOTBALL, THE I.R.S.,
BENGHAZI, FAST AND FURIOUS,
TAPPING JAMES ROSEN'S PHONE, THE A.P. TAPPING SCANDAL,
IS TATTERED RIGHT NOW. SOLYNDRA, AMNESTY, THIS COUNTRY
IT IS AMERICA 180.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THEM.
[cheers and applause]
FROM ALL THE BULLSHIT CAN I GET AMNESTY
IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW?
GROUPS TO BE INVESTIGATED I MEAN, THE I.R.S. WAS FLAGGING
"PATRIOT" IN THEIR NAME. BECAUSE THEY HAD THE WORD
PATRIOT.
IS THAT NOT UNBELIEVABLE TO YOU
THAT GETS YOU FLAGGED? THAT THAT'S THE WORD
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. IF THAT'S NOT AMERICA 180,
AND THE WHITE HOUSE,
IF YOU ASK ABOUT IT. THEY WON'T EVEN ANSWER QUESTIONS
THAT YOU'RE BEING A BALL BUSTER. THEY'LL JUST SAY
THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD ERECT YOU KNOW, I JUST WISH
AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER. ONE OF THESE STONE WALLS
HOW WOULD THAT BE, OKAY?
[cheers and applause]
BY THE WAY, I READ THIS.
MEXICO IS NOW REPLACED AMERICA
OBESITY RATE IN THE WORLD. AS THE COUNTRY WITH THE HIGHEST
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, FOLKS?
WE ARE NOW OFFICIALLY TOO LAZY
IN THE WORLD. TO BE THE FATTEST COUNTRY
[laughter]
I THINK WE GOT TO USE MEXICO'S
TO OUR ADVANTAGE. PROLIFIC APPETITE
THE SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MEXICO, DON'T BUILD A FENCE AT
CURVING BUFFET LINE. BUT RATHER AN IMPERCEPTIVELY
IN MEXICO, THEY GET THEIR APPETIZER
THEN JUST SWERVE IT BACK COME IN HERE FOR THE ENTREE,
THEIR FLAN IN MEXICO. SO THAT THEY PICK UP
EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
EVERYBODY'S FULL.
A RACIST FOR THAT JOKE BY MSNBC. NO DOUBT I'LL BE CALLED
BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
THAT WORD, ANYMORE. IT DOESN'T EVEN STICK,
THEY'VE OVERUSED IT. THEY'VE USED IT TOO MUCH.
THE NEW "DOODY HEAD." THEY'VE MADE "RACIST"
THOUGHT "POST-RACIAL" YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS
MEANT GETTING BEYOND IT, RIGHT?
LET'S GET BEYOND THIS I ALWAYS THOUGHT, WELL,
SO WE'RE NOT HUNG UP EVERY DAY.
I DIDN'T REALIZE IT MEANT
COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH IT. SPENDING EVERY WAKING SECOND
AL SHARPTON SEES MORE CODE WORDS
THE ENIGMA PROJECT. THAN DAN BROWN WORKING ON
[laughter, applause]
THAT REALLY INTERESTS ME MEANWHILE, THE ONLY DIVERSITY
THERE ARE ASSHOLES IS THE FACT THAT
AND THERE ARE NON-ASSHOLES.
I MEAN, COME ON.
IN EVERY GROUP OF PEOPLE. THERE ARE ASSHOLES
BLACK ASSHOLES, ASIAN ASSHOLES. THERE ARE WHITE ASSHOLES,
[applause]
STRAIGHT ASSHOLES, GAY ASSHOLES, THERE ARE INDIAN ASSHOLES,
MUSLIM ASSHOLES. CHRISTIAN ASSHOLES,
RECIDIVIST, REPEATING PERCENTAGE I BELIEVE THERE IS A COMMON
IN ANY GIVEN WALK OF LIFE, OF ASSHOLES
AT AROUND 37-38%, RIGHT? AND I PUT IT
[applause] SOMEWHERE RIGHT IN THERE.
AS HUMAN BEINGS IS TO BE FOUND AND I BELIEVE OUR COMMONALITY
THE MODERN ASSHOLISTIC MOVEMENT. IN THE UNIVERSAL NATURE OF
THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES, I MEAN, TO NOT RECOGNIZE
ARE NOT ASSHOLES, AND SOME PEOPLE
THE SAME, THAT--THAT-- TO TREAT EVERYBODY
AN ASSHOLE. YOU KNOW, THAT MAKES YOU
[laughter, applause]
MAYBE EVEN 39%, RIGHT?
AT LEAST UP ON CAPITOL HILL
THOSE NUMBERS AROUND WHERE YOU CAN FLIP
I'M SO SICK OF THOSE IDIOTS. AND MAKE IT 93% BECAUSE, UH,
UP THERE, AND 500 MAJOR, ACTIVE, WE'VE GOT, LIKE, 35 COOL PEOPLE
CHINA-WHITE ASSHOLES. WORLD-CLASS, WEAPONS-GRADE,
[cheers and applause]
DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS.
BUT MOSTLY DEMOCRATS.
THE NEXT TIME DEMOCRATS BY THE WAY,
CONCEPT OF JOB BLOCK, BRING UP THAT STUPID
LIKE TO FREE THEM UP TELL THEM YOU'D
WITH SOME TERM LIMITS, OKAY? FROM THEIR JOBS
- BOO! WATCH--
[cheers and applause]
HEADING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. - WATCH THOSE ROADRUNNER CLOUDS
GET ALONG RIGHT NOW, DO THEY? TWO PARTIES JUST DON'T
I'VE NEVER SEEN IT LIKE THIS. MAYBE NEVER WILL AGAIN.
LIKE I SAID, I'M 60.
THIS PISSED OFF AT EACH OTHER. I'VE NEVER SEEN PEOPLE
AND GO TO THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER, WE OUGHT TO JUST FIGURE IT OUT,
PAINTBALL WITH EACH OTHER, HUH? AND HAVE A BIG, OLD GAME OF
DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS.
FOR THE PAINTBALL GEAR. AND YES, DEMOCRATS, WE'LL PAY
DON'T WORRY, DON'T PANIC.
PROBLEMS WITH REPUBLICANS. I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T SEE
OUR LEADERS LOOK LIKE A LOT OF TIMES
BUT I MEAN-- THE TOWN ELDERS FROMFOOTLOOSE,
[laughter, applause]
A LITTLE EMBARRASSED AT LEAST THEY SEEM TO BE
TO THE COUNTRY. BY WHAT'S HAPPENING
REPUBLICANS ARE HUNG UP TOO. BUT YOU KNOW,
THE REAGAN THING GO NOW. THEY GOT TO LET
HE'S DEAD, ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, FOR GOD SAKES,
RUN DEAD RONALD REAGAN IN 2016. I KNOW REPUBLICANS WOULD LIKE TO
[applause]
JOHN BOEHNER...
IF BOEHNER'S EMBARRASSED I CAN'T TELL
OR HE'S JUST SUNBURNED.
IS THE WASHINGTON REDSKIN. YOU KNOW, JOHN BOEHNER
- BOO! [laughter, applause]
PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON HEY, JOHN,
LUCKY NONS 24/8, ALL RIGHT? AND QUIT HUFFING
CRAZY TO ME RIGHT NOW. 'CAUSE YOU JUST LOOK BATSHIT
[laughter]
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CRYING?
HE SEEMS SO UNSTABLE, HUH?
TAMMY FAYE BOEHNER OR SOMETHING. HE'S LIKE
IN CAPITULATION. JOHN, THERE'S NO CRYING
[laughter]
TO THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS NOW, CHRIS CHRISTIE, TRYING
TROUBLE WITH THE PHYSICS OF IT. BUT THEY'RE HAVING A LITTLE
[applause]
THERE'S A NEW BIG MAN IN JERSEY, NOW THAT CLARENCE HAS PASSED,
OR HE'S GONNA DIE AND UH, HE'S GOT TO DROP A FEW
FOR THE PRESIDENCY. OUT THERE RUNNING
YOU KNOW THAT.
TO BECOME THE PRESIDENT. YOU HAVE TO SURVIVE IT
AT HIS CURRENT WEIGHT. I DON'T THINK HE CAN DO IT
WOLLENSKY GOES TO WASHINGTON. HE'S LIKE MR. SMITH AND
AGAINST HILLARY, HUH? LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE HIM
THAT DEBATE IN IMAX. UH... BETTER SHOOT
[laughter]
OF RIGHTING HISTORICAL WRONGS. WE LIVE IN AN ERA
A BLACK PRESIDENT, NOW THAT WE'VE HAD
WANTS TO PICK A WOMAN SOON. I THINK THE COUNTRY PROBABLY
WAS HIM, I'D DROP MY FIRST NAME, THAT'S WHY CHRIS CHRISTIE, IF I
AND RUN AS CHRISTIE. JUST DRESS IN DRAG,
[laughter, applause]
YOUNG GIRL WITH A DREAM.
BEFORE HILLARY STARTS BLAMING BY THE WAY, HOW LONG
AT THE BENGHAZI CONSULATE THE LACK OF REINFORCEMENTS
ON BUMPER-TO-BUMPER TRAFFIC
HUH? ON THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE,
GET COUNTERINTUITIVE ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW, IF I WAS CHRISTIE, I'D
ABOUT THAT BRIDGE. HE'S WORRYING TOO MUCH
I'D SHUT THE FUCKER DOWN AGAIN.
I, UH...
FUCK YOU. I JUST DID IT AGAIN." I WOULD SAY, "YEAH, I DID IT.
[cheers and applause]
AND EXPECT MY APPRECIABLE ASS JUST TRY TO GET INTO FORT LEE
ONE AND TWO, ALL RIGHT? RIGHT THERE IN LANES
UPSIDE-DOWN ORANGE TRAFFIC CONE BE SITTING THERE EATING AN
FILLED WITH HAAGEN DAZS.
A SIGNAL TO CONSERVATIVES AT LEAST HE WOULD SEND
THIS TIME, FOR CHRIST SAKE. THAT HE'S GONNA FIGHT
WE ALWAYS ROLL OVER. WE NEVER FIGHT FOR IT.
AND IF WE DON'T WATCH IT,
WHAT THEY DID TO TED CRUZ. THEY'RE GONNA DO TO CHRISTIE
TO GET THE LEFT OFF HIS BACK, YOU KNOW, IF TED CRUZ WANTS
I GOT AN EASY OUT FOR HIM.
HE'S HERE ILLEGALLY. HE SHOULD JUST SAY
TO SHIT OR WIND THEIR WATCH. THEY WON'T KNOW WHETHER
[applause]
- BOO! BOO!
ON THE LIBERAL SIDE,
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO LIBERALS. UNBELIEVABLE TO ME
DID YOU EVER SEE THAT COMING?
ANYONE OVER 30 CROWD. THAT, UH, DON'T TRUST
THE YOUNG FLAMETHROWERS ALL THE--YOU KNOW,
AND THE WEATHER UNDERGROUND. AT WOODSTOCK
TURNING INTO DID YOU EVER SEE THEM
SYCOPHANTIC GROUP OF GOV-BOTS? A MINDLESS, WHINEY,
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
CONTINUES TO BE BILL AYERS, AT AGE 70,
A PONYTAIL IN SEARCH OF A MAN.
IS THERE ANYTHING MORE TEDIOUS
ON A PENSION? THAN A REVOLUTIONARY
[laughter, applause]
YOU NEVER SAW EMILIANO ZAPATA
ARGUING ABOUT A CO-PAY. AT A CVS COUNTER
[laughter]
AND POLITICAL CORRECTNESS? WHAT ABOUT US
NIGHTTIME SENTRIES I MEAN, THERE WERE, LIKE,
ON THE MAGINOT LINE
THAN OUR P.C. POLICE. WHO WERE MORE RELAXED
WHO ONLY DRINK THE KOOL-AID YOU GOT THE FOOD POLICE NOW
OUT OF A LESS THAN 12-OUNCE CUP.
CHRIST AT COMMUNION, NO DOUBT. NEXT STOP, GLUTEN-FREE BODY OF
[laughter, applause]
LIBERAL POLITICIANS ARE NOW
OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. THE 1927 NEW YORK YANKEES
MURDERERS ROW.
IN THE CLEANUP SLOT. AND JOHN KERRY'S
WITH GLOBAL WARMING SAYS HE'S MORE CONCERNED
THAN HE IS WITH TERRORISM.
LOVES HEARING THAT, HUH? YEAH, I'M SURE NETANYAHU
IS AN EASTER ISLAND STATUE YOU KNOW, JOHN KERRY
IN A POWER TIE, ALL RIGHT?
[applause] - BOO!
CLOCKFACE IN A DALI LITHO. HE REMINDS ME OF A MELTING
THERE'S ANOTHER GENIUS, HUH? PATTY MURRAY,
TO WORK ON A SUDOKU PUZZLE. SHE NEEDS A SPOTTER
SHE'S MARIE CURIE THAT BEING SAID,
NEXT TO NANCY PELOSI, HUH? WHEN YOU PUT HER
[booing, scattered applause]
MORE OVER HER HEAD NANCY PELOSI IS IN
HITTING ON SHAQ. THAN A GAY DWARF
[applause] - BOO!
AT NANCY PELOSI'S EYES - IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY
WHEN SHE'S PRETENDING TO THINK,
ROTATING BEACH BALLS THEY LOOK LIKE
WHEN IT CRASHES, YOU KNOW? ON YOUR LAPTOP
UNDERSTAND HER ANYMORE I CAN'T EVEN
MY SHRILL-TO-ENGLISH DICTIONARY. UNLESS I BREAK OUT
I WANT TO TURN MY HEALTH CARE AND REMIND ME AGAIN, WHY DO
THAT PLASTIC SURGEON? OVER TO SOMEONE WHO CHOSE
[cheers and applause]
LIFE LOOKING LIKE YOU'RE HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO THROUGH
THE DOCKING OF THE HINDENBURG? PERPETUALLY WITNESSING
THAT MUG ON A DECAL THEY OUGHT TO PUT
ON THE FRONT OF DRONES. AND PUT IT
SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE.
GOOD OLD JOE BIDEN. THEN YOU GOT
EH?
OUR FRIEND, "PLUGS MACKENZIE."
[chuckles]
DOG IN PHIL SPECTOR'S HOUSE. BIDEN'S SHAKIER THAN A RESCUE
REMINDS ME OF? YOU KNOW WHO BIDEN
NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, YOU KNOW? UNCLE RICO FROM
HE USED TO FLING THE ROCK, ALWAYS BRAGGING HOW
AND CAN'T BELIEVE THEY GOT
INTO THAT LITTLE BOTTLE. THAT BIG SHIP
IN THE TWO SLOT, CHRIST, WITH BIDEN
SECRET SERVICE FOR BARACK OBAMA. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET
WHAT THE WORD "VOUCHSAFE" MEANS? YOU ALWAYS WONDER
THAT.
REIN HIM IN I LOVE IT WHEN THEY HAVE TO
WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN.
ON A SHORTER LEASH RIGHT NOW HE'S
IN A CHARCUTERIE. THAN A PIT BULL
PUT HIM IN ONE OF THOSE THEY MIGHT AS WELL
YOU PUT ON YOUR DOG WHEN YOU-- PLASTIC LAMPSHADE COLLARS THAT
SO HE DOESN'T SCRATCH HIMSELF. WHEN THEY TAKE HIS BALLS OFF
I ACTUALLY THINK THERE ARE TIMES
JOE BIDEN IS SERIOUSLY INSANE.
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
IN THE AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT I READ THE PORTION
PREEXISTING CONDITIONS. THAT DEALS WITH
ON PAGE 1297 IT SAYS, RIGHT THERE
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, "ANYTHING IS COVERED
'WHATEVER THE FUCK BIDEN HAS.'"
[applause]
WONDER IF HE'S ACTUALLY REAL, HE'S SO DELUSIONAL, I SOMETIMES
HIMSELF SO VIVIDLY OR HE JUST IMAGINES
I'M SEEING HIS HALLUCINATION.
HIM OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEKEND I LOVE IT WHEN THEY HAVE TO GET
AND HE SPENDS THE ENTIRE WEEKEND TO CAMP DAVID,
ON THE GROUNDS GOING UP TO STAFF MEMBERS
"HEY, ARE YOU DAVID?" AND SAYING,
ON THAT SIDE, IF BIDEN RAN AGAINST HILLARY
I'D PICK HILLARY. JESUS, HE'S SO FUCKING--
TO WIN, BUT I MUST SAY I MEAN, I DON'T WANT HILLARY
IN EVERYTHING, THERE'S A SILVER LINING
THE IDEA OF BILL AND I KIND OF LIKE
WITH TIME ON HIS HANDS. BEING BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE
- BOO! [laughter, applause]
SUBTERRANEAN RIVER, - DOWN THERE ON THAT
POLING AROUND LIKE
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. SOME INCREDIBLY HORNY
TO GIVE SOME MONEY SORRY, I WANTED
LAST YEAR, TO THE CLINTON FOUNDATION
DOING SOMETHING LESS RISKY, BUT I WAS TOO BUSY
MY POWER OF ATTORNEY LIKE SIGNING
IN PRISON. OVER TO BERNIE MADOFF
YOU KNOW WHO IRONICALLY MIGHT BE
POLITICIAN OUT THERE RIGHT NOW? THE LEAST FULL-OF-SHIT
THE MAYOR OF TORONTO, ROB FORD.
[laughter, applause]
GOT SOME SKILLS. I MEAN, THE GUY'S
YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT.
GRANDPA WORKED A RICOLA HORN. WORKS A CRACK PIPE LIKE HEIDI'S
A BIKRAM YOGI ON A NIACIN DRIP. ALWAYS DRIPPING SWEAT LIKE
HIS CRACK DELIVERED IN BED, HOW LONG BEFORE FORD IS GETTING
BY AMAZON DRONE, HUH? RIGHT ONTO HIS BARE CHEST
BY THE WAY, WHAT KIND OF CRACK
THAT HE'S THAT FUCKING FAT? IS ROB FORD DOING
[chuckles]
ENSURE? WHAT IS HE CUTTING IT WITH,
[laughter, applause]
WHEN THE MAYOR OF TORONTO JUST REMEMBER,
IT WEIGHS 2.2 POUNDS. GIVES YOU THE KEY TO THE CITY,
A LIKABLE CREEP, THOUGH, RIGHT? AT LEAST FORD SEEMS LIKE
WHEREAS SOMEONE, YOU KNOW,
A DESPICABLE CREEP, HUH? LIKE HARRY REID'S
[audience "oohs"] - BOO.
IT'S A DESCRIPTION. - HARRY REID ISN'T A NAME,
MOSTLY ALL OF THEM, I DON'T LIKE POLITICIANS,
THINK THEY'RE SPECIAL. BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY
I HONEST TO GOD WHEN I LOOK AT POLITICIANS,
THEY FUCKING MATTER. THINK THEY THINK
WHO SNICKER AT PEOPLE AND I DON'T DIG THE ONES
YOU KNOW, THEY CONSTRUE TO BE RUBES,
PEOPLE OF FAITH, SIMPLETONS.
WITH POLITICIANS, CHRISTIANS JUST CAN'T WIN
OR AT LEAST SECULARISTS.
THEY'RE A CREATIONIST, IF A CHRISTIAN SAYS
GOD CREATED THE UNIVERSE, THAT THEY BELIEVE
SECULARISTS WILL CHIDE THEM
MORE LIKE CHARLES DARWIN. AND TELL THEM TO BE
IF A CHRISTIAN GETS AHEAD, THEN LATER IN LIFE,
WHAT HIS SECRET IS, AND THEY ASK HIM
OF THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, AND HE SAYS DARWIN'S CORE THEORY
TO BE MORE CHRIST-LIKE. THEY CHIDE HIM, AND TELL HIM
GET FUCKED ON BOTH ENDS OF IT. YOU KNOW, CHRISTIANS
EASIER TO BELIEVE IN PERSONALLY I FIND IT
WHO WALKS ON CLOUDS A BEARDED GOD IN BIRKENSTOCKS
THAN I DO AND DOESN'T FALL THROUGH THEM,
MY MONEY WISELY, ALL RIGHT? A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT THAT SPENDS
[cheers and applause]
IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN NOWADAYS. YOU REALLY GOT TO WATCH YOURSELF
DUCK DYNASTY GUY REALLY HARD THEY WENT AFTER THAT BEARDED
AFTER HE EXPRESSED HIS OPINION,
HIS OPINION ON HOMOSEXUALITY. ONE I DON'T SHARE, BUT
WITH THIS TELLING PEOPLE WHERE DO WE GET OFF
WHAT THEY CAN AND CANNOT THINK?
[cheers and applause]
BUT THERE'S LIKE A BILLION, NOW, KEEP IN MIND THEY ROLL HIM,
OF ANOTHER FAITH IN THE WORLD, SHALL WE SAY, NON-CHRISTIAN MEN
WHO GET A COMPLETE PASS WHO WEAR THAT SORT OF BEARD
SOMEWHAT LESS PROGRESSIVE FROM THE MEDIA ON THEIR
APPROACH TO HOMOSEXUALITY.
AND THAT IS CRAP.
[applause]
ACTUALLY LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, MY FAITH TODAY, WELL,
I CONSIDER MYSELF A PRAGNOSTIC.
RIGHT NOW, BUT TRUST ME, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
I'LL GRAB SOMETHING FAST. WHEN IT HITS THE FAN,
FIRST SIX FEET I'LL BE ONE OF THOSE
YOU KNOW? OF THE RAPTURE CONVERSIONS,
OKAY, I GET IT. I GET IT.
I'M NOT BORN AGAIN. I LIKE CHRISTIANS.
A ROAD TO DAMASCUS MOMENT, I HAVEN'T HAD
SWEET PEOPLE TO ME. BUT THEY SEEM LIKE
I THINK EVERYBODY HAS A GOD. AND AT THE END OF THE DAY,
WHO DEIFY OBAMA. I HAVE ATHEIST FRIENDS
ARE JUST BALL BUSTERS. I, UH--I THINK SOME ATHEISTS
THEY JUST WANT TO WIND YOU UP.
FAKE A SNEEZE AROUND THEM. HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
A "GOD BLESS YOU" OUT OF THEM. SEE IF YOU CAN SNAG
[laughter] THEY, UH--
THEY HATE IT. THEY HATE THAT.
ABOUT MY GOD? YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE MOST
HIS NAME OUT OF THE SPECIAL. AND HE'S ASKED ME TO KEEP
DEMAND BY WAY OF FEALTY I LIKE THAT MY GOD DOESN'T
THAT I LIQUIDATE ALL THE JEWS.
FOR A GOD WITH ME. I, UH-- THAT'S ALWAYS A GOOD START
[applause]
CHARGE OVER IN ISRAEL, YOU KNOW? I'M JUST GLAD NETANYAHU'S IN
[applause] HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS.
LIKE THEY GET ALONG. I THINK HE PRETENDS WITH OBAMA,
HE DOESN'T. COME ON.
I'M SURE HE'S THINKING,
TO MAKE WHEN IT'S GO TIME." "FINE, ONE LESS PHONE CALL
[laughter]
AT FACE VALUE I TAKE RADICAL ISLAM
THEY WANT TO DESTROY ISRAEL. WHEN THEY SAY
YOU KNOW WHY I DO?
IS A FOOLS ERRAND. BECAUSE PARSING MADNESS
OF OCCAM'S RAZOR, I TRUST THE THEORY
OCCAM'S SCIMITAR. OR AT LEAST IN THIS CASE,
THAT THE SIMPLEST ANSWER YOU KNOW, THE THEORY
IS USUALLY THE CORRECT ANSWER.
OF THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE YOU KNOW WHY A LOT
ARE FUCKING NUTS? IN THE MID-EAST
BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING NUTS.
[laughter, applause]
THEY'RE TOO WIRED.
IN THE NEXT LIFE, THEY'RE TOO WRAPPED UP
AND NOT ENOUGH IN THIS ONE
GETTING LAID ENOUGH. BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT
WAS A BAD GUY, NOW LISTEN, THE SHAH OF IRAN
TO GO TO BEIRUT ONCE A YEAR BUT AT LEAST HE WANTED
EUROPEAN HOOKERS AND COKE. AND BINGE ON HIGH-END
YOU COULD TALK TO HIM.
THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI FELT
HIGH-END HOOKERS AND DO COKE HE ONLY GOT TO BED
AND DIED, OKAY? AFTER HE KILLED ALL THE JEWS
YOU COULDN'T TALK TO HIM.
IT'S TOO FANATICAL OVER THERE.
COFFINS DOWN THE MAIN DRAG YOU GOT GUYS CROWD SURFING
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON.
DOES ANYBODY CHILL OUT
AND WATCH ELLEN? OVER THERE AFTER NOON
I MEAN, UH...
I DON'T TRUST RELIGIONS BY AND LARGE,
GET WINDED PRAYING. WHERE YOU CAN
TO CALL THEM OUT. TIME FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA
WHO APPEAR TO ME RADICAL ISLAM ARE THE FOLKS
AND GUNS, MR. PRESIDENT. TO BE CLINGING TO THEIR GOD
AS "KORAN THUMPERS"? WHY DON'T YOU REFER TO THEM
[laughter, applause]
WE'RE LEAVING A COUNTRY FOR GOD SAKES, WE NOW ANNOUNCE
WE START FIGHTING. A DAY BEFORE
IT'S WAR. FOLKS, THIS ISN'T YOPLAIT,
PUT EXPIRATION DATES ON THIS. I MEAN, YOU CAN'T
THE FIRST COUNTRY PRETTY SOON WE'RE GONNA BE
OF THE PLANET IN THE RECORDED HISTORY
CARDS BEFORE A MAJOR INVASION. TO SEND OUT "SAVE THE DATE"
[cheers and applause]
GET THE BOMB. WE CAN'T LET THE IRANIANS
YOU KNOW THAT.
OF IRAN'S NUCLEAR FACILITIES? HAVE YOU SEEN THAT STOCK FOOTAGE
IT LOOKS LIKE A MICROBREWERY.
WHEN YOU SEE THEIR SCIENTISTS ARE YOU NOT FREAKED OUT
AND ON THE WALL BEHIND THEM, DIPPING THAT LADLE,
"RIGHTY TIGHTY, LEFTY LOOSY"? THEY'VE GOT A POSTER THAT SAYS,
WHAT?
TERROR IN THAT REGION. I'VE GOT AN IDEA ON HOW TO FIGHT
SECRET SANTA PLAN." I CALL IT "MY MID-EAST
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DRILL.
IN THE MID-EAST A SECRET SANTA. YOU ASSIGN EACH COUNTRY
LET'S SAY YEMEN AND OMAN.
THE SECRET SANTA PLAN, YOU TELL THEM YOU'VE INSTITUTED
WHO THEIR SECRET SANTA IS. BUT YOU DON'T TELL THEM
YOU BLOW THE FUCK OUT OF OMAN. THEN IF YEMEN ACTS UP,
YOU BLOW YEMEN UP. IF OMAN ACTS UP,
BE ON THEIR TOES, THIS WAY, THEY'LL ALWAYS
POLICE THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW?
SLOW YOUR ROLL. WHOA, WHOA, BROTHER,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU MIGHT BE MY SECRET SANTA.
[laughter]
- BOO!
[applause]
- I'M JUST THINKING.
UH, RUSSIA.
ABOUT RUSSIA, ARE YOU? I'M NOT AS WORRIED
PUTIN--I DON'T KNOW.
PUTIN ON HIS WORST DAY IS LIKE
IN JIHAD, YOU KNOW? MISS CONGENIALITY
HE'S KIND OF GOOFY.
GOLD NIPPLE, OR SOMETHING. HE'S LIKE A BOND VILLAIN,
HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS, YOU KNOW?
HE TAKES CRIMEA LIKE THAT.
"OMG WTF." OUR GUY TWEETS,
[laughter]
IF PUSH CAME TO SHOVE, YOU KNOW, I'M PRETTY SURE
OUR EXTERIOR FOES, WE WOULD STILL VANQUISH
WE'RE GONNA TRIUMPH BUT I'M NOT SO SURE
ANYMORE, HUH? IN OUR OWN INTERNAL BATTLE
AMERICA 180 IS GETTING SOFTER, ON ALMOST EVERY LEVEL
AND PARTICULARLY OUR KIDS, MAKING US,
INCREASINGLY HELPLESS. IT SEEMS TO ME,
IN THIS CULTURE NOW YOU KNOW, YOUNG KIDS
BEE AFTER ASKING THE MODERATOR ARE SO SOFT THAT IN A SPELLING
AND USE IT IN A SENTENCE, TO DEFINE THE WORD
THE MODERATOR TO SPELL IT. THEY CAN NOW ACTUALLY ASK
[laughter]
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
THE ECONOMY IS RIGHT NOW? YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW BAD
A LOT OF COLLEGE GRADUATES A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT
THEIR PARENTS WHO ARE HOMELESS. ARE MOVING BACK HOME WITH
BEHIND TO NO CHILD HAS LEFT. WE'VE GONE FROM NO CHILD LEFT
FOR 112 WEEKS. YOU CAN NOW GET UNEMPLOYMENT
112 WEEKS OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
UNEMPLOYMENT TENURE, OKAY? WE'RE MOVING TOWARDS
WE GOT TOO MANY TAXES NOW.
OF WHAT I MAKE WHILE I'M ALIVE. THE INHERITANCE TAX, I PAY 50%
HALF OF MY HALF. I DIE, I GOT TO PAY
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO,
THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE, IF YOU GET SOME HEADS UP
INTO CASH OR SOMETHING START LIQUIDATING YOUR ASSETS
AND TAKE IT WITH YOU. A WEEK OUT FROM YOUR DEMISE,
WINNEBAGO COFFIN, ALL RIGHT? BE BURIED IN A BIG, OLD, HONKING
INTO THE FUCKING DITCH JUST DRIVE IT RIGHT
AND COVER YOURSELF UP.
BLOODSUCKERS, IF THEY'RE GONNA BE
ACTUAL GRAVE ROBBERS TOO. WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THEM
[cheers and applause]
WOULD HAVE NEVER OUR FOUNDING FATHERS
THIS BULLSHIT TAX STUFF. PUT UP WITH ANY OF
IN A GREG LOUGANIS SPEEDO JOHN ADAMS WOULD HAVE BEEN
IN HIS MOUTH, HOLDING A FUCKING MUSKET
SWIMMING ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.
REPRESENTATION IS TYRANNY, BECAUSE WHILE TAXATION WITHOUT
REPRESENTATION IS EVEN WORSE. TAXATION WITH INCESSANT
WHERE DO I SEND THE CHECK? HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?
THE FUCK ALONE, ALL RIGHT? AND THEN LEAVE ME
[cheers and applause]
TO HELP THE HELPLESS. BELIEVE ME, I WANT TO PAY TAXES
TO HELP THE CLUELESS. I DON'T WANT TO PAY TAXES
TAXES TO PEOPLE WHO HATE ME. AND I ESPECIALLY HATE PAYING
YOU KNOW, THE OCCUPY MOVEMENT.
PLIGHT I ACTUALLY DELIGHT IN. I'M NOW SUBSIDIZING PEOPLE WHOSE
[laughter]
TO WRITE A CHECK AND I'M EXPECTED
FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
YOU KNOW, I'M PRETTY SURE, KIDS,
TO SUCKLE THROUGH DENTURES. THAT MAN WAS NOT MEANT
NOW, AND ONE NOT. WE GOT ONE PERSON PAYING TAXES
CAN WE AT LEAST IF IT IS HALF AND HALF NOW,
SPONSORSHIP, ALL RIGHT? GO TO AN ACTUAL ONE-ON-ONE
THE GUY ONCE A MONTH WHERE I GET TO MEET
ACROSS THE TABLE AT THE DINER, AND SLIDE THE CHECK
FUCKING LOOKING FOR A JOB. ASK HIM IF HE'S EVEN
[cheers and applause]
TELL YOU WHAT I'M DOING NOW.
ALTERNATIVE INVESTMENTS, HUH? I'M INVESTING MY MONEY IN
IN A COMPANY GOT A LITTLE SEED MONEY
RANGE ROVERS WITH MUD THAT PRE-SPATTERS
WHO WANT TO APPEAR INTREPID. FOR WUSS OWNERS
ON A NEW OFF-BROADWAY PRODUCTION ALSO A THEATRE ANGEL
ALL BUTCH WOMEN IN THE CAST. OF 12 ANGRY MEN WITH
AN INTERNET STORE I'M THINKING OF OPENING
BRICK AND MORTAR, HUH? THAT SELLS ONLY
HERE'S A GOOD ONE.
G-STRING SO A GUY CAN TIP HER PLACE A BARCODE IN A STRIPPER'S
AND SCANNING, YOU KNOW. BY JUST HOLDING UP HIS PHONE
HOW MUCH YOU GAVE HER. HOLD THE PHONE UP, IT SHOWS HER
IN AND TURN THE G-STRING YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT THE BILLS
CHRISTMAS WREATH PROJECT. INTO AN UNWIELDY
NON-DIGITAL BUSINESS IDEAS TOO I'VE GOT SOME OTHER
A LITTLE MONEY OFF OF. THAT I HOPE TO MAKE
FOR OBAMACARE SIGNUP I'M SELLING SMALL BILLBOARDS
THAT THEY CAN PUT ON THE WALLS
FROM MEXICO OVER TO THE STATES. OF DRUG SMUGGLING TUNNELS
HIT THE GROUND, YOU KNOW? THIS WAY PEOPLE CAN
I'M SORRY, AS FAR AS OBAMACARE GOES,
I TOLD YOU SO, ALL RIGHT? BUT I DO WANT TO SAY
YOU KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE CRAP. I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE CRAP.
IT'S CRAP.
OBAMACARE SUPPORTERS BUT USE CARE IF YOU APPROACH
WITH THE UNFORTUNATE FACTS.
THEY GET PISSED OFF.
WHEN THEIR PET NOTIONS ZEALOTS GET VILE
IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES. CRATER RIGHT
THE RECYCLING BIN AT 3:00 A.M. THEY TURN INTO RACCOONS AT
[hissing]
TRYING TO SLIP NOW THE PRESIDENT'S
NAMED OBAMACARE. THE BURDEN OF HAVING IT
THE AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT. THEY'RE CALLING IT
THE AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE ACT I'LL START CALLING IT
TO BARACK AFFORDABLE, ALL RIGHT? WHEN HE LEGALLY CHANGES HIS NAME
YOU BREAK IT, YOU BUY IT, PAL.
I'VE FALLEN, AND I WON'T GET UP. I THINK OBAMACARE BOILED DOWN IS
EVERYBODY ALWAYS ASKS
TO OBAMACARE IS. WHAT THE REPUBLICAN ALTERNATIVE
WE COULD SAY LEECHING AT THIS POINT
AHEAD OF THE GAME. AND STILL BE
[laughter, scattered applause]
IN THIS COUNTRY. THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK
CANADIAN AND AMERICAN, MY WIFE IS DUAL-CITIZEN
AND IT BARELY WORKS IN CANADA.
THE PEOPLE HERE, AND WE'VE GOT 10 TIMES
AND NICE AND KIND AND POLITE. AND CANADIANS ARE PATIENT
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN HERE CAN YOU IMAGINE
SOMEBODY THEY GOT TO WAIT THE FIRST TIME THEY TELL
X-RAY ON THEIR ARM THAT HURTS? IN LINE FOR EIGHT MONTHS FOR AN
THEY'LL GO INSANE.
IT'LL MAKE THE DAY OF THE LOCUST
THE BARN-RAISING SCENE LOOK LIKE
FOR SEVEN BROTHERS,ALL RIGHT? IN SEVEN BRIDES
AT WALMART'S FRONT DOOR THINK ABOUT THE CROWD
AT 6:00 A.M. ON BLACK FRIDAY.
NOW, TAKE AWAY THEIR MEDS.
[laughter]
MOST DOCTORS HATE IT.
INTO THEIR EARNINGS. IT'S GONNA CUT
PRACTICING HOW TO MAKE SOME OF THEM ARE ALREADY
TO TAKE IN A LITTLE ON THE SIDE. ANGIOPLASTY BALLOON ANIMALS
DEMOCRATS WILL EVENTUALLY MY ONLY HOPE NOW IS THE
REALIZE YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA DO OBAMACARE IN WHEN THEY
TO PARTICIPATE IN THE PROGRAM. NEED A PHOTO I.D.
[applause] AND, UH--
WOULD BE A DISASTROUS ROLLOUT. PRESIDENT OBAMA DIDN'T KNOW IT
DID NOT KNOW.
THEY INSIST HE'S BRILLIANT,
ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING TODAY. BUT OBAMA NEVER SEEMS TO KNOW
[cheers and applause]
THE FIRST PRESIDENT THIS GUY'S GONNA BE
WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. TO END UP ON MOUNT RUSHMORE
ABOUT THE PRESIDENT? LET'S SEE. WHAT DO I LIKE
I LIKE THE WAY HE HANDLED
IN HIS FIRST TERM. THE PIRATE SITUATION
HAD TO BE. HE WAS DECISIVE THERE.
PIOTE PULLING UP ON A JET SKI CAN'T HAVE THE ROAD COMPANY
FLIP-FLOPS AND A WIFE-BEATER IN A PAIR OF DAY-GLO ORANGE
TAKING OVER THE QUEEN MARY WITH A MASSENGILL LOGO ON IT
OF CONCH SHELL WALKIE-TALKIES. WITH A SPEAR GUN AND A PAIR
SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE.
HOW DO THESE CRAZY FUCKERS
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN? GET ON A BOAT
TRIED TO BOARD A BOAT HAVE YOU EVER
WHILE IT'S IN HARBOR? THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A TICKET ON
KIDS DOWN THERE!" HOW--"CAPTAIN, SOME PISSED-OFF
"WHAT ARE THEY PISSED ABOUT?"
SHOULD I LOWER A ROPE LADDER?" "CAN'T HEAR THEM.
"YEAH, PUT THAT--"
WHAT'S YOUR BEEF? "HI, SON, I'M THE CAPTAIN.
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME? TAMCOCO?
PISSED ABOUT? "TAMCOCO, WHAT ARE YOU
A TOM HANKS MOVIE, TAMCOCO?" WANT TO BE IN
IT'S NOT ALL THAT DRAMATIC YOU KNOW,
WITH ME AND BARACK OBAMA.
IT'S NOT CLASSIST. HE'S UH--IT'S NOT RACIST.
IT'S NOT IDEOLOGICAL.
CIVIL SERVANT. HE'S JUST AN INEPT
AT THE TOLLBOOTH HE'S--HE'S THE GUY
THE WRONG CHANGE. WHO CONSTANTLY GIVES OUT
[laughter, applause]
HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT. AND I'M GLAD WE FINALLY
THE RACIST THING ON ME. QUIT DROPPING
IT WAS TIME.
THAT WE ARE ALL CREATED EQUAL, IT'S ALSO A VIVID REMINDER
OF ALL RACES, COLORS, AND CREEDS AND THAT WE NOW KNOW THAT MEN
CAN REALLY SUCK AT THAT JOB.
[laughter, applause]
AT COCKTAIL PARTIES NOW. HERE'S HOW I PLAY THE OBAMA GAME
LOOKING FOR ME TO BITE. SOMEBODY COMES UP TO ME
THEY SAY, "OBAMA'S A GENIUS.
THINGS WOULD BE RIGHT NOW "CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD
IF WE DIDN'T HAVE HIM?"
TO COME UP OUT OF THE WATER AND NOW THEY WANT ME
OFF MONITOR IN THE KEYS. LIKE I'M A TARPON
I DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM. I JUST DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM.
IN THE EYES, TAKE A BREATH, I JUST LOOK THEM CALMLY
HE SURE IS A GENIUS. AND I SAY, "YEAH,
WE'VE EVER HAD. "HE'S THE SMARTEST PRESIDENT
DURING HIS TIME IN OFFICE." I'M JUST THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE
FOR A COUPLE SECONDS. AND THEN YOU HOLD
ABSOLUTELY NO IRONY. AND YOU CONVEY
AN EYE FLARE. YOU CAN'T GIVE EVEN
GUARANTEE YOU THREE SECONDS IN JUST LOOK AT THEM, AND I
"HEY, WHY YOU FUCKING WITH ME?" THEY'LL SAY,
[laughter]
ROLL WITH IT. DON'T LET THEM BROW YOU UP.
IN THE ASS JIU JITSU. USE A LITTLE PAIN
IS A VENTURE SOCIALIST. LOOK, BOTTOM LINE, BARACK OBAMA
[laughter] HE WILL SINK--
INTO ANYTHING HE'LL SINK HIS MONEY
AS LONG AS IT'S YOUR MONEY.
GOODWILL SPENDING LAST YEAR IN THIS COUNTRY
OF TAX MONEY ON PENIS PUMPS. KICKED IN $173 MILLION
$173 MILLION IN PENIS PUMPS. THE FEDS.
JUST MY BROTHER'S KEEPER. APPARENTLY I'M NO LONGER
I'M ALSO HIS FLUFFER.
- OH! [laughter]
OBAMA WAS A GREAT CANDIDATE, - LISTEN,
BUT HE'S BEEN A BAD PRESIDENT,
FOR THE OFFICE. AND HE'S STILL RUNNING
CAN'T EVEN LEGALLY RUN AGAIN. FUNDRAISERS EVERY NIGHT, AND HE
THIS GUY DOES MORE FUNDRAISERS
WITH A HIDDEN BLOW PROBLEM. THAN A PBS CFO
AND HE'S A TELEPROMPTER JUNKIE.
I THINK IT SAYS. AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT
THE FUCKING PRESIDENT. YEAH, BUT I'M NOT
I'M A COMIC.
HE SAYS, "EH, EH, EH." YOU GET HIM OFF PROMPTER,
NIGHT CLUB ACT. IT'S LIKE JAKE LAMOTTA'S
ARE LESS DEPENDANT ON MACHINERY I KNOW PEOPLE ON DIALYSIS WHO
ON TELEPROMPTERS. THAN BARACK OBAMA IS
LOVE HIM. BUT THE DEMOCRATIC STATES
IT'S AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. THEY'RE NEVER GONNA LEAVE HIM.
BUT GIVE THIS GUY THIS. 50 SHADES OF BLUE,
GOING FOR HIM, HE DID IT WITH LITTLE ELSE
A GENIAL MATTER, OUTSIDE OF A GLIB ATTITUDE,
SPEAKING STYLE. AND A BEAUTIFUL
A MASSIVE COUP D'ETAT. I BELIEVE HE'S PULLED OFF
NOW ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS? AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA PLAY THAT
YOU GONNA FIGHT THAT?
I THINK NOT. I THINK NOT.
OUT FRONT ON THIS ONE. TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET
GANG AUDITED. YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF
YOU HAVE TO TAKE A BREATH.
IT HAPPENED FOR THE MOMENT. JUST TELL YOURSELF
IT DID HAPPEN. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,
SUBLETTING THE ASYLUM. THE INMATES ARE NOW
OBJECTIVIST IN ME NOW, THE AYN RAND
A LITTLE RIGHT NOW. WOULD TELL YOU TO PULL THE PLUG
JUST TO SHRUG.
AND LOCK YOUR POD FACE ON, GET YOUR WAZOO ARMOR-ALLED
GONNA GET NASTY HERE. ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE THEY'RE
HISTORICALLY EVENTUALLY THIS WILL AUTOCORRECT
WITH A 1929 FIX, OR GOD FORBID,
LIKE AN 1861 FIX. SOMETHING MORE FRACTIOUS
AND HUMAN NATURE THE LAWS OF MARKET
WILL FIX ITSELF. DICTATE THAT THIS
WILL FIX IT WHEN THEY REALIZE PERHAPS EVEN THE TAKERS
THE HOST ORGANISM. THEY'RE ABOUT TO CROAK
LIVE YOUR LIFE INSIDE-OUT. NOW, IN THE INTERIM, YOU HAVE TO
THE PUBLIC ARENA YOU DON'T GO INTO
YOU HAVE TO LOOK WITHIN. LOOKING FOR FULFILLMENT ANYMORE,
BULLSHIT IS DRIVING YOU CRAZY. PAYING ATTENTION TO ALL THAT
THEY'VE ALREADY GOT YOUR MONEY.
DON'T GIVE THEM YOUR SANITY TOO. FOR CHRIST SAKE,
[cheers and applause]
AS AN IN-THE-MOMENT ARCHEOLOGIST I NOW THINK OF MYSELF
DEMISE OF THE CULTURE. OBSERVING THE REAL-TIME
MANAGEMENT. I'M NOW IN TO DENOUEMENT
IS ALREADY IN THE FLUME. I REALIZE THE SOCIETAL LOG RIDE
TO STOP IT ANY MORE. I'M NOT TRYING
MIDDLE SEAT AND A PLASTIC PONCHO I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A REAR
TO STAY AS DRY AS I CAN.
[cheers and applause] YOU--
DAMN IT! FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILIES,
WE ALL LET THE POLITICAL SET IN RETROSPECT,
INTO OUR OWN HEADS. GET WAY TOO FAR
POLITICS WITH LOVED ONES. FOR GOD SAKES, DON'T ARGUE
THEY'RE STRANGERS. POLITICIANS ARE PRICKS.
THEY'RE GRIFTERS. THEY'RE CREEPS.
TO LET THEM INTO YOUR HOME, THEY DON'T MATTER ENOUGH
MUCH LESS YOUR DINNER TABLE.
LIKE HARRY REID, IF YOU DETEST A LOATHSOME MAN
DON'T FIGHT WITH HER ABOUT IT. AND YOUR SISTER LOVES HIM,
JUST REMEMBER YOUR SISTER'S
SHITTY TASTE IN MEN. ALWAYS HAD UNERRINGLY
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. GOOD NIGHT,
[cheers and applause]
[rock music]
♪ ♪
GO ALL THE WAY! - MY GOD, IT'S GONNA
- OH, MY GOD!- OH, MY GOD! - OH!