1 00:00:13,218 --> 00:00:16,221 [cheers and applause] 2 00:00:16,221 --> 00:00:19,224 [rock music] 3 00:00:19,224 --> 00:00:22,937 GENTLEMEN, DENNIS MILLER. male announcer: LADIES AND 4 00:00:22,937 --> 00:00:23,938 [cheers and applause] 5 00:00:23,938 --> 00:00:31,863 ♪ ♪ 6 00:00:55,386 --> 00:00:56,888 - NICE TO BE HERE TONIGHT 7 00:00:56,888 --> 00:01:00,349 ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. IN BEAUTIFUL 8 00:01:00,349 --> 00:01:03,268 [cheers and applause] 9 00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:13,278 CURRENTLY BEING LED THE GOLDEN STATE 10 00:01:13,278 --> 00:01:15,072 BY GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN. 11 00:01:15,072 --> 00:01:18,075 [audience boos, hisses] 12 00:01:18,075 --> 00:01:20,578 THIS IS TOO EASY. 13 00:01:20,578 --> 00:01:23,706 [laughter] 14 00:01:23,706 --> 00:01:27,376 EXISTENTIALIST JERRY BROWN'S A SELF-PROCLAIMED 15 00:01:27,376 --> 00:01:31,087 GONE OFF HIS FATHER'S NICKEL WHO APPEARS TO HAVE 16 00:01:31,087 --> 00:01:36,092 SOMEWHERE IN HIS EARLY 20s AND ON TO THE PUBLIC DIME 17 00:01:36,092 --> 00:01:38,554 AND HASN'T STRAYED TWO ANGSTROMS 18 00:01:38,554 --> 00:01:42,307 IN THE INTERIM HALF CENTURY. FROM THE POLITICAL BUBBLE 19 00:01:42,307 --> 00:01:47,103 YOUR AIDS THE DAY OFF TOMORROW LISTEN, JER, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE 20 00:01:47,103 --> 00:01:51,067 FUCKING SOCKS, OKAY... AND MATCH YOUR OWN 21 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:53,193 [cheers and applause] 22 00:01:53,193 --> 00:01:57,322 ON HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE? BEFORE YOU START LECTURING ME 23 00:01:57,322 --> 00:01:59,617 ANY MORE FULL OF SHIT, IF JERRY BROWN WERE 24 00:01:59,617 --> 00:02:01,994 OF HIS OWN STATE'S HE'D BE IN VIOLATION 25 00:02:01,994 --> 00:02:04,371 NEW FOIE GRAS LEGISLATION. 26 00:02:04,371 --> 00:02:07,541 [cheers and applause] 27 00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:15,633 SORRY, GRASSHOPPER. 28 00:02:15,633 --> 00:02:19,095 A 13.3% INCOME TAX WE CURRENTLY HAVE 29 00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:20,972 IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA. 30 00:02:20,972 --> 00:02:24,683 13.3%. 31 00:02:24,683 --> 00:02:29,105 IN CALIFORNIA ARE SO HUGE NOW YOU KNOW, THE TAX RATES 32 00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:31,649 THE CALIFORNIA LOTTERY, THAT WHEN YOU WIN 33 00:02:31,649 --> 00:02:33,233 YOU HAVE THREE OPTIONS NOW. 34 00:02:33,233 --> 00:02:35,193 YOU CAN TAKE IT IN A LUMP SUM, 35 00:02:35,193 --> 00:02:37,989 YOU CAN TAKE IT IN INSTALLMENTS, 36 00:02:37,989 --> 00:02:42,701 OR YOU CAN NOT TAKE IT. 37 00:02:42,701 --> 00:02:45,621 [cheers and applause] 38 00:02:49,291 --> 00:02:51,376 SPEAKING OF WINNING THE LOTTERY, 39 00:02:51,376 --> 00:02:56,048 INDUSTRY IN OUR STATE. DISABILITY NOW A COTTAGE 40 00:02:56,048 --> 00:03:00,094 IN CALIFORNIA, A LOT OF BACKBONE PROBLEMS 41 00:03:00,094 --> 00:03:03,639 MOST OF THEM FIGURATIVE. 42 00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:07,059 SECTOR REACH AGE 50. UNION MEMBERS IN THE PUBLIC 43 00:03:07,059 --> 00:03:10,604 IN THEIR GIDDYUP, A LOT OF THEM GET A HITCH 44 00:03:10,604 --> 00:03:13,189 IN THE LUMBAR LOTTERY, PULL THE WONKA TICKET 45 00:03:13,189 --> 00:03:17,193 AND THEN, YOU KNOW... 46 00:03:17,193 --> 00:03:21,406 GIMP OFF INTO THE SUNSET. 47 00:03:21,406 --> 00:03:24,451 CALIFORNIA NEEDS A BIG UNION I SOMETIMES THINK THAT 48 00:03:24,451 --> 00:03:28,122 WHO ARE NON-UNION MEMBERS. OF ALL THE PEOPLE 49 00:03:28,122 --> 00:03:31,083 [cheers and applause] 50 00:03:33,627 --> 00:03:37,422 OVER HERE IN A GREEN HOTEL. PRODUCERS HAVE PUT ME UP 51 00:03:37,422 --> 00:03:40,217 I NEVER KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT. YOU'VE HEARD THAT TERM. 52 00:03:40,217 --> 00:03:43,428 I REALIZE IT'S A HOTEL NOW THAT I'M STAYING IN ONE, 53 00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:47,933 STAYING IN A GOOD HOTEL. THAT MAKES YOU ENVIOUS OF PEOPLE 54 00:03:47,933 --> 00:03:50,310 - BOO! [laughter] 55 00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:53,939 [applause] 56 00:03:53,939 --> 00:03:56,734 LIST MY ROOM IN THE BROCHURE - THEY OFFICIALLY 57 00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:58,986 AS THE PARTIALLY SUBMERGED 58 00:03:58,986 --> 00:04:03,448 JUNIOR SUITE. DEER HUNTER RAT CAGE 59 00:04:03,448 --> 00:04:05,534 IN THE ROOM. ALMOST NO FURNISHINGS 60 00:04:05,534 --> 00:04:07,244 YOU EVER HAD THAT LOOK? 61 00:04:07,244 --> 00:04:12,249 BUT JUST A HEMP MANUAL I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO SIT 62 00:04:12,249 --> 00:04:16,461 A STOOL OUT OF MY OWN STOOL. TELLING ME HOW TO CRAFT 63 00:04:16,461 --> 00:04:19,631 [laughter, applause] - BOO! 64 00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:26,263 MR. ENVIRONMENT, HUH? - GOOD OLD AL GORE, 65 00:04:26,263 --> 00:04:28,182 HE ALWAYS HAS TO ACT SMARTER. YOU KNOW, GORE-- 66 00:04:28,182 --> 00:04:31,602 IN INCONVENIENT TRUTH IF HE HAD SAID "CLIMATE CHANGE" 67 00:04:31,602 --> 00:04:33,187 INSTEAD OF "GLOBAL WARMING," 68 00:04:33,187 --> 00:04:35,814 HOW FUCKED WE'D ALL BE? DO YOU REALIZE 69 00:04:35,814 --> 00:04:37,775 IS ANYTHING. BECAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE 70 00:04:37,775 --> 00:04:40,236 HE HAD TO PICK ONE, IT'S JUST HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE, 71 00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:42,905 AND HE PICKED THE WRONG ONE. 72 00:04:42,905 --> 00:04:44,406 YOU KNOW... 73 00:04:44,406 --> 00:04:48,577 [cheers and applause] 74 00:04:48,577 --> 00:04:50,287 I COULD EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT 75 00:04:50,287 --> 00:04:53,749 MOISTURE, AND, YOU KNOW, A HEATED OCEAN WILL CAUSE 76 00:04:53,749 --> 00:04:57,128 YOU CAN HAVE MORE RAIN AND SNOW. MOISTURE IN THE ATMOSPHERE, 77 00:04:57,128 --> 00:04:58,796 ENVIRONMENTALISTS, BUT HONEST TO GOD, 78 00:04:58,796 --> 00:05:00,297 QUIT RIPPING INTO ME. 79 00:05:00,297 --> 00:05:02,049 I AM SERIOUS WHEN I ASK YOU, 80 00:05:02,049 --> 00:05:05,970 HEATING UP MAKE IT COLDER? HOW CAN THE PLANET 81 00:05:05,970 --> 00:05:08,055 THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW. 82 00:05:08,055 --> 00:05:11,308 SON OF A BITCH I AM QUIT TELLING ME WHAT A STUPID 83 00:05:11,308 --> 00:05:16,354 AND TELL ME THAT. 84 00:05:16,354 --> 00:05:19,608 I THINK YOU'RE BLUFFING. WHEN YOU DON'T TELL ME THAT, 85 00:05:19,608 --> 00:05:23,154 THINK YOU HAVE AN ANSWER. I THINK--I MEAN, I DON'T 86 00:05:23,154 --> 00:05:26,323 [cheers and applause] 87 00:05:30,202 --> 00:05:32,163 THAT YOU'RE AWARE SOMEBODY TELL ME 88 00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:35,332 OF ANY GIVEN MAGAZINE THAT THE GREEN ISSUE 89 00:05:35,332 --> 00:05:40,087 THAN THE THICKEST ISSUE, OKAY? SHOULD BE NO ISSUE AT ALL RATHER 90 00:05:40,087 --> 00:05:43,423 OVER THERE, RIGHT? YOU STILL GET THAT 91 00:05:43,423 --> 00:05:47,343 HAS A BIGGER CARBON FOOTPRINT NOW, GORE HIMSELF, OF COURSE, 92 00:05:47,343 --> 00:05:51,347 WITH PLANTER FASCIITIS. THAN EMMETT KELLY 93 00:05:56,187 --> 00:05:57,395 GLOBAL WARMING. 94 00:05:57,395 --> 00:05:59,190 FOLKS? CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING, 95 00:05:59,190 --> 00:06:01,566 SCREWED UP RIGHT NOW, THE WORLD IS SO 96 00:06:01,566 --> 00:06:05,570 SPONTANEOUSLY INTO FLAMES-- THE PLANET BURSTING 97 00:06:05,570 --> 00:06:10,575 LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS. 98 00:06:10,575 --> 00:06:13,829 IT'S HOT ONCE IN A WHILE. YOU WANT TO HEAR MY TAKE ON IT? 99 00:06:13,829 --> 00:06:18,834 SUN'S HOT. YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HOT? 100 00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:22,880 'CAUSE IT'S THE SUN. YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HOT? 101 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,050 AND IT'S ALWAYS BEEN HOT. 102 00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:29,511 AND I WAS-- IT WAS HOT WHEN I WAS A KID, 103 00:06:29,511 --> 00:06:33,389 FROM IT BACK THEN. I WAS EVEN A LITTLE FURTHER AWAY 104 00:06:33,389 --> 00:06:35,391 [laughter] 105 00:06:35,391 --> 00:06:38,394 [cheers and applause] 106 00:06:43,150 --> 00:06:46,444 IT'S COLD. AND WHEN IT'S NOT HOT, 107 00:06:46,444 --> 00:06:49,823 AND THE BACK AND FORTH, AND THEN IT GETS HOT AGAIN, 108 00:06:49,823 --> 00:06:52,910 THAT ESCHER PRINT BYPLAY, 109 00:06:52,910 --> 00:06:55,537 THAT'S WEATHER. 110 00:06:55,537 --> 00:06:57,413 IT RUNS HOT. IT RUNS COLD. 111 00:06:57,413 --> 00:07:02,378 JOHN MAYER AND KATY PERRY. LIKE, YOU KNOW, 112 00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:04,046 NOW, IS THAT THAT HARD, REALLY? 113 00:07:04,046 --> 00:07:06,422 ENVIRONMENTALISTS THIS, I MEAN, WHEN I TRY TO TELL 114 00:07:06,422 --> 00:07:10,386 TO TEACH A PARROT TO SAY "FUCK." I FEEL LIKE I'M TRYING 115 00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:19,395 AFTER--AT LEAST IN L.A. COUNTY-- AND THE E.P.A. IS NOW GOING 116 00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:23,148 AND FIREPLACES. WOOD BURNING STOVES 117 00:07:23,148 --> 00:07:24,441 TO BUILD THEM ANYWHERE. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED 118 00:07:24,441 --> 00:07:29,321 [chuckles] WE'RE GOING AFTER FIRE. 119 00:07:29,321 --> 00:07:33,450 I MEAN, ARE YOU-- 120 00:07:33,450 --> 00:07:38,247 OUT FROM THE APES ORIGINALLY. ALL THE THINGS THAT SEPARATED US 121 00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:45,879 WHEEL AND STANDING UPRIGHT. WATCH OUT, 122 00:07:45,879 --> 00:07:48,548 I MEAN, COME ON. 123 00:07:48,548 --> 00:07:52,261 [cheers and applause] 124 00:07:54,138 --> 00:07:56,932 OTHER WAYS TO HELP OUT. I'VE BEEN PONDERING 125 00:07:56,932 --> 00:07:58,475 TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE. 126 00:07:58,475 --> 00:08:02,479 UP TO A CABLE, WHY NOT HOOK OUR CAR BATTERIES 127 00:08:02,479 --> 00:08:04,606 THROUGH THE GLOVE BOX, AND THEN YOU RUN THE CABLE 128 00:08:04,606 --> 00:08:08,444 A BEANIE-COPTER HAT, PLUG IT INTO 129 00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:11,029 ON YOUR DOG'S HEAD, AND THEN YOU PUT THAT 130 00:08:11,029 --> 00:08:15,033 OUT THE WINDOW ON THE HIGHWAY, AND WHEN HE HANGS HIS HEAD 131 00:08:15,033 --> 00:08:17,035 YOU CAN GET THAT-- 132 00:08:17,035 --> 00:08:20,205 - BOO! [applause] 133 00:08:20,205 --> 00:08:22,916 - JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT. 134 00:08:26,503 --> 00:08:29,506 ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT, DON'T WE? WE LOVE TO BEAT OURSELVES UP 135 00:08:29,506 --> 00:08:31,508 SELF-FLAGELLATIVE. GOD, IT'S SO 136 00:08:31,508 --> 00:08:32,717 HITTING THEMSELVES IT REMINDS ME OF THOSE GUYS 137 00:08:32,717 --> 00:08:34,719 WITH CHAINS IN THE MID-EAST. 138 00:08:34,719 --> 00:08:36,347 ALWAYS BEATING OURSELVES UP 139 00:08:36,347 --> 00:08:38,556 WE ARE OF THE WORLD. ABOUT WHAT BAD STEWARDS 140 00:08:38,556 --> 00:08:40,851 THE OTHER NIGHT-- I'M WATCHING DISCOVERY CHANNEL 141 00:08:40,851 --> 00:08:43,603 MAYBE IT WAS ANIMAL PLANET-- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, 142 00:08:43,603 --> 00:08:45,730 JACQUES COUSTEAU'S KID ON. AND THEY'VE GOT 143 00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:48,733 ON A CORAL REEF. HE'S NIGHT DIVING 144 00:08:48,733 --> 00:08:50,235 HE'S GOT THE FLOOD LIGHT 145 00:08:50,235 --> 00:08:55,073 AT THE RED ROCK CONCERT. THAT BONO USED 146 00:08:55,073 --> 00:08:57,034 HE'S JAMMING IT INTO THE EYES 147 00:08:57,034 --> 00:09:00,078 MORAY EEL THAT'S BEEN-- OF THIS OLD SQUINTY 148 00:09:00,078 --> 00:09:03,999 INTO A LITTLE COHIBA TUBE. K.Y. JELLY 149 00:09:03,999 --> 00:09:07,294 THE GUY'S LECTURING ME YOU KNOW, AND-- 150 00:09:07,294 --> 00:09:10,506 IS COMPROMISING THE REEF. ON HOW MANKIND 151 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:14,551 I'M HOME IN BED, ALL RIGHT? HEY, FUCK-SNORKEL, 152 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:22,142 THE PENIS-SAURUS, MY FRIEND. YOU'RE THE ONE HAND JIVING 153 00:09:25,437 --> 00:09:27,022 IF IT IS GETTING HOTTER, BY THE WAY, 154 00:09:27,022 --> 00:09:30,442 THE A-TEAM KNOWN AS MANKIND? WHO'S GONNA FIX IT, 155 00:09:30,442 --> 00:09:33,278 YOU BEEN TO A MALL LATELY? 156 00:09:33,278 --> 00:09:36,865 WEAR OUT OF THE HOUSE. I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE 157 00:09:36,865 --> 00:09:39,451 ARE GONNA BE TRUST ME, THE HOI POLLOI 158 00:09:39,451 --> 00:09:41,578 TOO BUSY TO FIX GLOBAL WARMING. 159 00:09:41,578 --> 00:09:46,041 A LOT ON THEIR PAPER PLATES. THEY ALREADY HAVE 160 00:09:46,041 --> 00:09:50,254 AND TEXTING AND INSTAGRAMMING WHAT WITH FACEBOOKING 161 00:09:50,254 --> 00:09:52,047 AND TWEETING, YOU KNOW, 162 00:09:52,047 --> 00:09:56,593 BEEN MORE CHRONICLED. NEVER HAVE LIVES LESS LIVED 163 00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:01,473 [cheers and applause] 164 00:10:08,813 --> 00:10:11,149 IF ONLY LOUIS AND CLARK 165 00:10:11,149 --> 00:10:15,571 THIS ASSIDUOUSLY. HAD ANNOTATED THEIR DAYS 166 00:10:18,656 --> 00:10:20,825 ABOUT TWITTER I LIKE IS ONE GOOD THING 167 00:10:20,825 --> 00:10:23,870 HAVE TO HOPE AND PRAY IN THE PAST, I ALWAYS USED TO 168 00:10:23,870 --> 00:10:28,041 WHO HATED MY GUTS. THAT I WAS UPSETTING PEOPLE 169 00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:30,752 IN THE FACT AND NOW I GET TO DELIGHT 170 00:10:30,752 --> 00:10:33,171 THEY ACTUALLY THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE 171 00:10:33,171 --> 00:10:38,176 AND BECOME MY FOLLOWER. HAVE TO HIT A COMPUTER KEY 172 00:10:38,176 --> 00:10:40,845 THAT'S A NICE, LITTLE VICTORY. 173 00:10:42,931 --> 00:10:47,478 FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, HUH? MILEY CYRUS, NOW ONE OF THE MOST 174 00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:49,729 LIKE THE FIRE HOSE TONGUE HANGING OUT 175 00:10:49,729 --> 00:10:54,485 BETWEEN FLOORS IN DIE HARD. BRUCE WILLIS USED TO GET 176 00:10:57,279 --> 00:10:59,615 LAST YEAR IN NORTH DAKOTA WE'RE SO IN LOVE WITH OURSELVES, 177 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:02,326 WHO ACTUALLY MARRIED HERSELF. THERE WAS A WOMAN 178 00:11:02,326 --> 00:11:03,868 DO YOU REMEMBER THAT STORY? 179 00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:06,204 IN AN ACTUAL CEREMONY. SHE MARRIED HERSELF 180 00:11:06,204 --> 00:11:08,915 A PICTURE OF THE WOMAN? HAVE YOU SEEN 181 00:11:08,915 --> 00:11:12,752 LET'S JUST SAY SHE SETTLED. 182 00:11:12,752 --> 00:11:15,880 [cheers and applause] 183 00:11:19,884 --> 00:11:23,679 LET'S TALK ABOUT ME. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT NARCISSISTS. 184 00:11:25,516 --> 00:11:27,309 I JUST VISITED ITALY. BEEN TRAVELING, 185 00:11:27,309 --> 00:11:29,727 GREAT FOOD, HUH? YEAH. 186 00:11:29,727 --> 00:11:34,024 JUST LIKE OLIVE GARDEN. 187 00:11:37,402 --> 00:11:40,696 BEEN TO AN OLIVE GARDEN. I'M KIDDING, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY 188 00:11:40,696 --> 00:11:43,200 A COUPLE TIMES, I'M SAD TO SAY I'VE GONE THERE 189 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,786 I CAN'T GET IN. AND IT'S ALWAYS SO CROWDED, 190 00:11:46,786 --> 00:11:49,705 AT THE DOOR AT AN OLIVE GARDEN? YOU EVER GET TURNED AWAY 191 00:11:49,705 --> 00:11:51,333 I TOOK MY SONS DOWN. 192 00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:52,959 LIKE, HALF AN HOUR, WE'RE STANDING OUT THERE, 193 00:11:52,959 --> 00:11:54,670 AND HE GOES, AND MY KID LOOKS AT ME, 194 00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:58,756 TO BE FAMOUS?" "HEY, DAD, WHAT'S IT LIKE 195 00:12:02,427 --> 00:12:04,762 AT AN OLIVE GARDEN'S GETTING TURNED AWAY 196 00:12:04,762 --> 00:12:08,933 REFUSE YOUR LOOSE CHANGE. LIKE HAVING A PANHANDLER 197 00:12:12,937 --> 00:12:15,148 IF I OWNED AN OLIVE GARDEN, YOU KNOW, 198 00:12:15,148 --> 00:12:17,942 AS MY COMMERCIAL SPOKESPERSON? YOU KNOW WHO I'D HIRE 199 00:12:17,942 --> 00:12:20,612 AMANDA KNOX. 200 00:12:20,612 --> 00:12:24,032 [audience "oohs"] NO, WAIT. HEY... 201 00:12:24,032 --> 00:12:27,369 LET ME FINISH. 202 00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:29,037 THIS WOULD BE A BANG-UP AD. 203 00:12:29,037 --> 00:12:31,873 FOR OLIVE GARDEN. "HI, I'M AMANDA KNOX 204 00:12:31,873 --> 00:12:36,670 ACTUALLY VISIT ITALY--" YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'T 205 00:12:36,670 --> 00:12:40,756 [applause] 206 00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:45,512 ALL RIGHT, SOME MORE BIO ON ME. 207 00:12:45,512 --> 00:12:48,973 LAST YEAR, 2013. I HAD A SOMEWHAT ROUGH YEAR 208 00:12:48,973 --> 00:12:53,103 I PERFORMED IDENTITY THEFT IN APRIL OF LAST YEAR 209 00:12:53,103 --> 00:12:55,606 AND IT RUINED MY CREDIT RATING. ON A FUCKUP, 210 00:12:55,606 --> 00:12:58,108 I, UM... 211 00:13:01,777 --> 00:13:04,406 I'M 60 YEARS OLD NOW. 212 00:13:04,406 --> 00:13:06,782 [applause] 213 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:17,001 WHERE I PUT MY GINKGO BILOBA. TODAY I ACTUALLY FORGOT 214 00:13:19,045 --> 00:13:23,967 MY DR. DRE BEATS HEARING AID. EVENTUALLY FOUND IT NEXT TO 215 00:13:29,931 --> 00:13:32,517 OUT OF SHAPE AT AGE 60. A LITTLE BIT 216 00:13:32,517 --> 00:13:36,062 WARRIOR OVER THE FIRST, UH... HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN A WORKOUT 217 00:13:36,062 --> 00:13:39,815 LET'S SAY 60 YEARS OF MY LIFE. 218 00:13:42,818 --> 00:13:45,155 OF OUT OF SHAPE IS NOW? YOU KNOW WHAT MY DEFINITION 219 00:13:45,155 --> 00:13:46,822 A HIKE WITH A FRIEND, IF I GO OUT FOR 220 00:13:46,822 --> 00:13:48,700 ON A MOUNTAIN TRAIL, WAY, WAY OUT THERE 221 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:52,078 INTO COMPLETE CARDIAC ARREST, AND MY FRIEND GOES 222 00:13:52,078 --> 00:13:54,830 PERFORM C.P.R. ON HIM, AND I BEGIN TO 223 00:13:54,830 --> 00:13:57,250 AND I HAVE TO TAP OUT 224 00:13:57,250 --> 00:14:01,837 BECAUSE I'M GAS, JIMMY. AFTER TWO ROTATIONS 225 00:14:01,837 --> 00:14:04,840 I'M GAS, FOR CHRIST SAKE. 226 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:09,471 IF I HAVE ONE TOO? WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO YOU 227 00:14:11,055 --> 00:14:15,851 OR SOMETHING NOW? DON'T YOU HAVE AN APP 228 00:14:17,562 --> 00:14:19,897 COMING DOWN THE ROAD, HUH? YOU KNOW THAT'S 229 00:14:19,897 --> 00:14:23,527 'CAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU, I COPYRIGHTED THE NAME "ZAPAPP," 230 00:14:23,527 --> 00:14:25,320 IF YOU GOT A CHENEY-LIKE TICKER, 231 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:26,863 THEY'RE GONNA SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE 232 00:14:26,863 --> 00:14:30,074 UNDER YOUR LEFT NIPPLE. PUT A LITTLE TRANSISTOR 233 00:14:30,074 --> 00:14:32,869 JUST PULL OUT YOUR PHONE, ZAP! YOU GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST, 234 00:14:32,869 --> 00:14:35,747 YOU KNOW. 235 00:14:35,747 --> 00:14:39,209 FIRST RESPONDER. YOU GOT TO BE YOUR OWN 236 00:14:42,128 --> 00:14:45,215 BUT I DO NOTICE THIS AFTERNOON, I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH AGING, 237 00:14:45,215 --> 00:14:47,884 AND SPENT THREE HOURS I WENT ON GOOGLE EARTH 238 00:14:47,884 --> 00:14:52,764 BALD SPOT FROM DEEP SPACE. LOOKING AT MY MALE-PATTERN 239 00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:59,896 OF JEANS NOW. BUYING A TAD BIGGER SIZE 240 00:14:59,896 --> 00:15:04,901 RECENTLY AT COSTCO. I WENT SHOPPING FOR JEANS 241 00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:09,906 THE MIDWAY, WALKING DOWN THE MAIN DRAG, 242 00:15:09,906 --> 00:15:14,661 SIZED PALLET OF DENIM. WAS CONFRONTED BY AN ANNAPURNA- 243 00:15:17,038 --> 00:15:21,376 WAS A 44 WAIST, 28 INSEAM. THE PAIR ON TOP OF THE PILE 244 00:15:25,255 --> 00:15:29,593 GOING TO A DUDE RANCH. I CAN ONLY ASSUME PENGUIN'S 245 00:15:29,593 --> 00:15:32,804 [laughter, applause] 246 00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:36,892 THAN SOME, THOUGH. I'M AGING BETTER 247 00:15:36,892 --> 00:15:41,229 TURN INTO TILDA SWINTON? DID I-- WHEN DID BRUCE JENNER 248 00:15:41,229 --> 00:15:45,483 [cheers and applause] 249 00:15:45,483 --> 00:15:48,612 A MEETING OR SOMETHING? I MEAN, DID I MISS 250 00:15:48,612 --> 00:15:50,029 I WENT TO BED ONE NIGHT, 251 00:15:50,029 --> 00:15:53,074 AT THE OLYMPICS. HE WAS THE DECATHLON CHAMPION 252 00:15:53,074 --> 00:15:57,746 MR. DRYSDALE'S SECRETARY. WOKE UP, HE WAS 253 00:16:05,295 --> 00:16:08,506 ARE GETTING UP THERE, HUH? SOME OF THESE ROCK BANDS 254 00:16:08,506 --> 00:16:13,511 RIP VAN HALEN TOUR LAST YEAR? ANYBODY GET OUT AND SEE THE 255 00:16:13,511 --> 00:16:15,179 WANT TO SEE DAVID LEE ROTH 256 00:16:15,179 --> 00:16:18,725 LEG SPLITS NOW, HUH? DO ONE OF THOSE VAN DAMME 257 00:16:18,725 --> 00:16:20,977 UP THROUGH HIS GULLET KNOCK HIS NADS 258 00:16:20,977 --> 00:16:25,607 POWERBALL NUMBERS OR SOMETHING. LIKE HE'S PICKING THAT NIGHT'S 259 00:16:31,028 --> 00:16:33,657 THE END OF A LONG DAY. LONG DAY TODAY, 260 00:16:33,657 --> 00:16:37,327 CHISANBOP LESSON I HAD A 10:30 A.M. 261 00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:39,203 WHO WAS THE INTERPRETER WITH THE GUY 262 00:16:39,203 --> 00:16:43,667 AT THE MANDELA MEMORIAL. FOR THE DEAF 263 00:16:49,547 --> 00:16:51,090 AND I THINK, WHAT THE-- I REMEMBER WATCHING, 264 00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:56,012 MAURY WILLS TO STEAL? IS THIS GUY TELLING 265 00:16:58,139 --> 00:17:01,977 WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? 266 00:17:04,228 --> 00:17:06,690 BIG TIME OF THE YEAR FOR SPORTS. I LOVE SPORTS. 267 00:17:06,690 --> 00:17:08,023 WE GOT THE MASTERS COMING UP. 268 00:17:08,023 --> 00:17:10,109 WHEN THIS AIRS. IT WILL HAVE BEEN PLAYED 269 00:17:10,109 --> 00:17:11,987 OF THE BASEBALL SEASON. BEGINNING 270 00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:15,448 [applause] LAST--YEAH, VERY EXCITING. 271 00:17:15,448 --> 00:17:17,032 GO BLUE. 272 00:17:17,032 --> 00:17:19,703 THE ATLANTA BRAVES HOME OPENER, LAST YEAR I WENT TO 273 00:17:19,703 --> 00:17:23,540 WAS, YOU KNOW, AWW-NA-NA-NA. AND EVERYBODY IN THE CROWD 274 00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:25,876 NA-NA-NA-NA. 275 00:17:25,876 --> 00:17:30,046 AT THE BALLPARK, SO, UM, PLUS IT WAS MOHEL DAY 276 00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:32,465 IT HAD A REAL-- 277 00:17:32,465 --> 00:17:36,052 MOVE THERE. REALLY AN AUTHENTIC 278 00:17:39,890 --> 00:17:43,059 TO A CONCLUSION. NBA SEASON COMING 279 00:17:43,059 --> 00:17:44,936 IN THE PLAYOFFS. WE'RE ABOUT TO GO 280 00:17:44,936 --> 00:17:48,398 GUYS ARE THE LAKERS, RIGHT? IS THERE A TEAM--I GUESS YOU 281 00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:50,692 [groaning and applause] YEAH? 282 00:17:50,692 --> 00:17:52,527 I'M NOT FROM L.A. 283 00:17:52,527 --> 00:17:56,072 TEAM'S THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS. I LIKE THE LAKERS SECOND, BUT MY 284 00:17:56,072 --> 00:17:58,950 ACQUIT THEIR BUSINESS ADMIRABLY. I LIKE THE SPURS BECAUSE THEY 285 00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,201 THE SEEM LIKE GENTLEMEN. 286 00:18:00,201 --> 00:18:01,786 THEY PLAY DEFENSE. I LIKE THE WAY 287 00:18:01,786 --> 00:18:03,120 AND IN THE PLAYOFFS, 288 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,957 OUT FROM LONG DISTANCE. THEY SHOOT THE LIGHTS 289 00:18:05,957 --> 00:18:07,751 HIT MORE THREES I MEAN, THESE GUYS 290 00:18:07,751 --> 00:18:11,755 WERE NO FOURS AVAILABLE. THAN BILL CLINTON WHEN THERE 291 00:18:17,343 --> 00:18:20,430 NOW THAT ROGER GOODELL, I'M MOVING AWAY FROM FOOTBALL 292 00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:22,223 IS TRYING TO SOLVE THE COMMISSIONER, 293 00:18:22,223 --> 00:18:26,519 IN THE UNLIKELIEST OF PLACES, ALL THE PROBLEMS OF MANKIND 294 00:18:26,519 --> 00:18:28,939 THE FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM. 295 00:18:28,939 --> 00:18:30,356 ROGER GOODELL IS NOW STRIVING 296 00:18:30,356 --> 00:18:34,945 THE SAFE VIOLENT GAME. TO MAKE FOOTBALL 297 00:18:34,945 --> 00:18:37,405 LIBERAL APPROACH, IT'S LIKE A TYPICAL 298 00:18:37,405 --> 00:18:42,326 WITH BOUNCY CRACK HOUSES. LIKE FIGHTING HARD DRUGS 299 00:18:43,661 --> 00:18:45,329 - BOO! 300 00:18:45,329 --> 00:18:49,876 FROM INTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER. - LIBERALS SO OFTEN SUFFER 301 00:18:52,128 --> 00:18:54,589 GONE NUTS, HASN'T IT? BOY, THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S 302 00:18:54,589 --> 00:18:57,133 INSIDE-OUT, FLIPPED AROUND. EVERYTHING'S TURNED 303 00:18:57,133 --> 00:19:00,136 FOOTBALL, THE I.R.S., 304 00:19:00,136 --> 00:19:04,223 BENGHAZI, FAST AND FURIOUS, 305 00:19:04,223 --> 00:19:09,228 TAPPING JAMES ROSEN'S PHONE, THE A.P. TAPPING SCANDAL, 306 00:19:09,228 --> 00:19:13,357 IS TATTERED RIGHT NOW. SOLYNDRA, AMNESTY, THIS COUNTRY 307 00:19:13,357 --> 00:19:15,359 IT IS AMERICA 180. 308 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:19,155 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THEM. 309 00:19:19,155 --> 00:19:22,283 [cheers and applause] 310 00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:25,161 FROM ALL THE BULLSHIT CAN I GET AMNESTY 311 00:19:25,161 --> 00:19:27,163 IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW? 312 00:19:27,163 --> 00:19:30,708 GROUPS TO BE INVESTIGATED I MEAN, THE I.R.S. WAS FLAGGING 313 00:19:30,708 --> 00:19:33,628 "PATRIOT" IN THEIR NAME. BECAUSE THEY HAD THE WORD 314 00:19:33,628 --> 00:19:35,088 PATRIOT. 315 00:19:35,088 --> 00:19:36,631 IS THAT NOT UNBELIEVABLE TO YOU 316 00:19:36,631 --> 00:19:38,842 THAT GETS YOU FLAGGED? THAT THAT'S THE WORD 317 00:19:38,842 --> 00:19:41,177 I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. IF THAT'S NOT AMERICA 180, 318 00:19:41,177 --> 00:19:43,054 AND THE WHITE HOUSE, 319 00:19:43,054 --> 00:19:45,389 IF YOU ASK ABOUT IT. THEY WON'T EVEN ANSWER QUESTIONS 320 00:19:45,389 --> 00:19:48,018 THAT YOU'RE BEING A BALL BUSTER. THEY'LL JUST SAY 321 00:19:48,018 --> 00:19:50,061 THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD ERECT YOU KNOW, I JUST WISH 322 00:19:50,061 --> 00:19:52,730 AT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER. ONE OF THESE STONE WALLS 323 00:19:52,730 --> 00:19:54,524 HOW WOULD THAT BE, OKAY? 324 00:19:54,524 --> 00:19:57,527 [cheers and applause] 325 00:20:01,197 --> 00:20:02,657 BY THE WAY, I READ THIS. 326 00:20:02,657 --> 00:20:04,534 MEXICO IS NOW REPLACED AMERICA 327 00:20:04,534 --> 00:20:08,329 OBESITY RATE IN THE WORLD. AS THE COUNTRY WITH THE HIGHEST 328 00:20:08,329 --> 00:20:10,206 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, FOLKS? 329 00:20:10,206 --> 00:20:12,500 WE ARE NOW OFFICIALLY TOO LAZY 330 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:16,212 IN THE WORLD. TO BE THE FATTEST COUNTRY 331 00:20:16,212 --> 00:20:21,217 [laughter] 332 00:20:21,217 --> 00:20:22,635 I THINK WE GOT TO USE MEXICO'S 333 00:20:22,635 --> 00:20:24,261 TO OUR ADVANTAGE. PROLIFIC APPETITE 334 00:20:24,261 --> 00:20:27,098 THE SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MEXICO, DON'T BUILD A FENCE AT 335 00:20:27,098 --> 00:20:32,103 CURVING BUFFET LINE. BUT RATHER AN IMPERCEPTIVELY 336 00:20:32,103 --> 00:20:35,272 IN MEXICO, THEY GET THEIR APPETIZER 337 00:20:35,272 --> 00:20:39,569 THEN JUST SWERVE IT BACK COME IN HERE FOR THE ENTREE, 338 00:20:39,569 --> 00:20:42,197 THEIR FLAN IN MEXICO. SO THAT THEY PICK UP 339 00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:44,240 EVERYBODY'S HAPPY. 340 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:49,120 EVERYBODY'S FULL. 341 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,165 A RACIST FOR THAT JOKE BY MSNBC. NO DOUBT I'LL BE CALLED 342 00:20:52,165 --> 00:20:53,666 BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING, 343 00:20:53,666 --> 00:20:55,334 THAT WORD, ANYMORE. IT DOESN'T EVEN STICK, 344 00:20:55,334 --> 00:20:57,712 THEY'VE OVERUSED IT. THEY'VE USED IT TOO MUCH. 345 00:20:57,712 --> 00:21:01,216 THE NEW "DOODY HEAD." THEY'VE MADE "RACIST" 346 00:21:03,259 --> 00:21:05,136 THOUGHT "POST-RACIAL" YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS 347 00:21:05,136 --> 00:21:06,971 MEANT GETTING BEYOND IT, RIGHT? 348 00:21:06,971 --> 00:21:08,556 LET'S GET BEYOND THIS I ALWAYS THOUGHT, WELL, 349 00:21:08,556 --> 00:21:10,266 SO WE'RE NOT HUNG UP EVERY DAY. 350 00:21:10,266 --> 00:21:12,185 I DIDN'T REALIZE IT MEANT 351 00:21:12,185 --> 00:21:16,272 COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH IT. SPENDING EVERY WAKING SECOND 352 00:21:16,272 --> 00:21:18,399 AL SHARPTON SEES MORE CODE WORDS 353 00:21:18,399 --> 00:21:23,279 THE ENIGMA PROJECT. THAN DAN BROWN WORKING ON 354 00:21:23,279 --> 00:21:26,824 [laughter, applause] 355 00:21:26,824 --> 00:21:29,244 THAT REALLY INTERESTS ME MEANWHILE, THE ONLY DIVERSITY 356 00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:30,912 THERE ARE ASSHOLES IS THE FACT THAT 357 00:21:30,912 --> 00:21:32,329 AND THERE ARE NON-ASSHOLES. 358 00:21:32,329 --> 00:21:33,957 I MEAN, COME ON. 359 00:21:33,957 --> 00:21:36,292 IN EVERY GROUP OF PEOPLE. THERE ARE ASSHOLES 360 00:21:36,292 --> 00:21:41,131 BLACK ASSHOLES, ASIAN ASSHOLES. THERE ARE WHITE ASSHOLES, 361 00:21:41,131 --> 00:21:45,718 [applause] 362 00:21:45,718 --> 00:21:49,305 STRAIGHT ASSHOLES, GAY ASSHOLES, THERE ARE INDIAN ASSHOLES, 363 00:21:49,305 --> 00:21:53,268 MUSLIM ASSHOLES. CHRISTIAN ASSHOLES, 364 00:21:53,268 --> 00:21:57,521 RECIDIVIST, REPEATING PERCENTAGE I BELIEVE THERE IS A COMMON 365 00:21:57,521 --> 00:22:00,858 IN ANY GIVEN WALK OF LIFE, OF ASSHOLES 366 00:22:00,858 --> 00:22:05,571 AT AROUND 37-38%, RIGHT? AND I PUT IT 367 00:22:05,571 --> 00:22:07,364 [applause] SOMEWHERE RIGHT IN THERE. 368 00:22:07,364 --> 00:22:11,953 AS HUMAN BEINGS IS TO BE FOUND AND I BELIEVE OUR COMMONALITY 369 00:22:11,953 --> 00:22:16,958 THE MODERN ASSHOLISTIC MOVEMENT. IN THE UNIVERSAL NATURE OF 370 00:22:16,958 --> 00:22:19,836 THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES, I MEAN, TO NOT RECOGNIZE 371 00:22:19,836 --> 00:22:21,796 ARE NOT ASSHOLES, AND SOME PEOPLE 372 00:22:21,796 --> 00:22:24,381 THE SAME, THAT--THAT-- TO TREAT EVERYBODY 373 00:22:24,381 --> 00:22:27,760 AN ASSHOLE. YOU KNOW, THAT MAKES YOU 374 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,346 [laughter, applause] 375 00:22:33,224 --> 00:22:36,769 MAYBE EVEN 39%, RIGHT? 376 00:22:36,769 --> 00:22:38,562 AT LEAST UP ON CAPITOL HILL 377 00:22:38,562 --> 00:22:40,397 THOSE NUMBERS AROUND WHERE YOU CAN FLIP 378 00:22:40,397 --> 00:22:45,360 I'M SO SICK OF THOSE IDIOTS. AND MAKE IT 93% BECAUSE, UH, 379 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:50,365 UP THERE, AND 500 MAJOR, ACTIVE, WE'VE GOT, LIKE, 35 COOL PEOPLE 380 00:22:50,365 --> 00:22:54,620 CHINA-WHITE ASSHOLES. WORLD-CLASS, WEAPONS-GRADE, 381 00:22:54,620 --> 00:22:58,373 [cheers and applause] 382 00:23:04,505 --> 00:23:07,300 DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS. 383 00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:12,222 BUT MOSTLY DEMOCRATS. 384 00:23:12,222 --> 00:23:14,140 THE NEXT TIME DEMOCRATS BY THE WAY, 385 00:23:14,140 --> 00:23:17,518 CONCEPT OF JOB BLOCK, BRING UP THAT STUPID 386 00:23:17,518 --> 00:23:19,394 LIKE TO FREE THEM UP TELL THEM YOU'D 387 00:23:19,394 --> 00:23:22,940 WITH SOME TERM LIMITS, OKAY? FROM THEIR JOBS 388 00:23:22,940 --> 00:23:25,276 - BOO! WATCH-- 389 00:23:25,276 --> 00:23:29,404 [cheers and applause] 390 00:23:29,404 --> 00:23:34,409 HEADING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. - WATCH THOSE ROADRUNNER CLOUDS 391 00:23:34,409 --> 00:23:37,412 GET ALONG RIGHT NOW, DO THEY? TWO PARTIES JUST DON'T 392 00:23:37,412 --> 00:23:39,374 I'VE NEVER SEEN IT LIKE THIS. MAYBE NEVER WILL AGAIN. 393 00:23:39,374 --> 00:23:41,084 LIKE I SAID, I'M 60. 394 00:23:41,084 --> 00:23:43,086 THIS PISSED OFF AT EACH OTHER. I'VE NEVER SEEN PEOPLE 395 00:23:43,086 --> 00:23:45,629 AND GO TO THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER, WE OUGHT TO JUST FIGURE IT OUT, 396 00:23:45,629 --> 00:23:48,925 PAINTBALL WITH EACH OTHER, HUH? AND HAVE A BIG, OLD GAME OF 397 00:23:48,925 --> 00:23:50,551 DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS. 398 00:23:50,551 --> 00:23:52,887 FOR THE PAINTBALL GEAR. AND YES, DEMOCRATS, WE'LL PAY 399 00:23:52,887 --> 00:23:55,430 DON'T WORRY, DON'T PANIC. 400 00:23:59,977 --> 00:24:02,980 PROBLEMS WITH REPUBLICANS. I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T SEE 401 00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:04,774 OUR LEADERS LOOK LIKE A LOT OF TIMES 402 00:24:04,774 --> 00:24:09,737 BUT I MEAN-- THE TOWN ELDERS FROMFOOTLOOSE, 403 00:24:09,737 --> 00:24:13,866 [laughter, applause] 404 00:24:13,866 --> 00:24:15,659 A LITTLE EMBARRASSED AT LEAST THEY SEEM TO BE 405 00:24:15,659 --> 00:24:17,745 TO THE COUNTRY. BY WHAT'S HAPPENING 406 00:24:17,745 --> 00:24:19,914 REPUBLICANS ARE HUNG UP TOO. BUT YOU KNOW, 407 00:24:19,914 --> 00:24:22,083 THE REAGAN THING GO NOW. THEY GOT TO LET 408 00:24:22,083 --> 00:24:25,586 HE'S DEAD, ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, FOR GOD SAKES, 409 00:24:25,586 --> 00:24:30,465 RUN DEAD RONALD REAGAN IN 2016. I KNOW REPUBLICANS WOULD LIKE TO 410 00:24:31,968 --> 00:24:35,512 [applause] 411 00:24:35,512 --> 00:24:37,098 JOHN BOEHNER... 412 00:24:37,098 --> 00:24:39,725 IF BOEHNER'S EMBARRASSED I CAN'T TELL 413 00:24:39,725 --> 00:24:43,354 OR HE'S JUST SUNBURNED. 414 00:24:43,354 --> 00:24:47,482 IS THE WASHINGTON REDSKIN. YOU KNOW, JOHN BOEHNER 415 00:24:47,482 --> 00:24:52,405 - BOO! [laughter, applause] 416 00:24:52,405 --> 00:24:54,198 PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON HEY, JOHN, 417 00:24:54,198 --> 00:24:57,785 LUCKY NONS 24/8, ALL RIGHT? AND QUIT HUFFING 418 00:24:57,785 --> 00:25:01,705 CRAZY TO ME RIGHT NOW. 'CAUSE YOU JUST LOOK BATSHIT 419 00:25:01,705 --> 00:25:04,499 [laughter] 420 00:25:04,499 --> 00:25:06,501 WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CRYING? 421 00:25:06,501 --> 00:25:09,339 HE SEEMS SO UNSTABLE, HUH? 422 00:25:09,339 --> 00:25:12,716 TAMMY FAYE BOEHNER OR SOMETHING. HE'S LIKE 423 00:25:12,716 --> 00:25:16,929 IN CAPITULATION. JOHN, THERE'S NO CRYING 424 00:25:16,929 --> 00:25:19,514 [laughter] 425 00:25:19,514 --> 00:25:23,769 TO THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS NOW, CHRIS CHRISTIE, TRYING 426 00:25:23,769 --> 00:25:27,940 TROUBLE WITH THE PHYSICS OF IT. BUT THEY'RE HAVING A LITTLE 427 00:25:27,940 --> 00:25:31,110 [applause] 428 00:25:34,155 --> 00:25:37,283 THERE'S A NEW BIG MAN IN JERSEY, NOW THAT CLARENCE HAS PASSED, 429 00:25:37,283 --> 00:25:40,744 OR HE'S GONNA DIE AND UH, HE'S GOT TO DROP A FEW 430 00:25:40,744 --> 00:25:42,537 FOR THE PRESIDENCY. OUT THERE RUNNING 431 00:25:42,537 --> 00:25:43,956 YOU KNOW THAT. 432 00:25:43,956 --> 00:25:45,833 TO BECOME THE PRESIDENT. YOU HAVE TO SURVIVE IT 433 00:25:45,833 --> 00:25:48,169 AT HIS CURRENT WEIGHT. I DON'T THINK HE CAN DO IT 434 00:25:48,169 --> 00:25:52,423 WOLLENSKY GOES TO WASHINGTON. HE'S LIKE MR. SMITH AND 435 00:25:52,423 --> 00:25:55,550 AGAINST HILLARY, HUH? LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE HIM 436 00:25:55,550 --> 00:25:59,222 THAT DEBATE IN IMAX. UH... BETTER SHOOT 437 00:25:59,222 --> 00:26:02,599 [laughter] 438 00:26:07,604 --> 00:26:11,234 OF RIGHTING HISTORICAL WRONGS. WE LIVE IN AN ERA 439 00:26:11,234 --> 00:26:12,985 A BLACK PRESIDENT, NOW THAT WE'VE HAD 440 00:26:12,985 --> 00:26:16,072 WANTS TO PICK A WOMAN SOON. I THINK THE COUNTRY PROBABLY 441 00:26:16,072 --> 00:26:19,492 WAS HIM, I'D DROP MY FIRST NAME, THAT'S WHY CHRIS CHRISTIE, IF I 442 00:26:19,492 --> 00:26:23,496 AND RUN AS CHRISTIE. JUST DRESS IN DRAG, 443 00:26:23,496 --> 00:26:27,208 [laughter, applause] 444 00:26:28,501 --> 00:26:33,130 YOUNG GIRL WITH A DREAM. 445 00:26:33,130 --> 00:26:35,341 BEFORE HILLARY STARTS BLAMING BY THE WAY, HOW LONG 446 00:26:35,341 --> 00:26:38,553 AT THE BENGHAZI CONSULATE THE LACK OF REINFORCEMENTS 447 00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:40,221 ON BUMPER-TO-BUMPER TRAFFIC 448 00:26:40,221 --> 00:26:43,849 HUH? ON THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE, 449 00:26:46,561 --> 00:26:49,730 GET COUNTERINTUITIVE ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW, IF I WAS CHRISTIE, I'D 450 00:26:49,730 --> 00:26:52,066 ABOUT THAT BRIDGE. HE'S WORRYING TOO MUCH 451 00:26:52,066 --> 00:26:53,650 I'D SHUT THE FUCKER DOWN AGAIN. 452 00:26:53,650 --> 00:26:56,487 I, UH... 453 00:26:56,487 --> 00:27:00,575 FUCK YOU. I JUST DID IT AGAIN." I WOULD SAY, "YEAH, I DID IT. 454 00:27:00,575 --> 00:27:03,660 [cheers and applause] 455 00:27:08,707 --> 00:27:12,627 AND EXPECT MY APPRECIABLE ASS JUST TRY TO GET INTO FORT LEE 456 00:27:12,627 --> 00:27:16,132 ONE AND TWO, ALL RIGHT? RIGHT THERE IN LANES 457 00:27:16,132 --> 00:27:19,552 UPSIDE-DOWN ORANGE TRAFFIC CONE BE SITTING THERE EATING AN 458 00:27:19,552 --> 00:27:22,888 FILLED WITH HAAGEN DAZS. 459 00:27:27,642 --> 00:27:30,521 A SIGNAL TO CONSERVATIVES AT LEAST HE WOULD SEND 460 00:27:30,521 --> 00:27:32,856 THIS TIME, FOR CHRIST SAKE. THAT HE'S GONNA FIGHT 461 00:27:32,856 --> 00:27:35,776 WE ALWAYS ROLL OVER. WE NEVER FIGHT FOR IT. 462 00:27:35,776 --> 00:27:37,652 AND IF WE DON'T WATCH IT, 463 00:27:37,652 --> 00:27:39,614 WHAT THEY DID TO TED CRUZ. THEY'RE GONNA DO TO CHRISTIE 464 00:27:39,614 --> 00:27:42,657 TO GET THE LEFT OFF HIS BACK, YOU KNOW, IF TED CRUZ WANTS 465 00:27:42,657 --> 00:27:44,577 I GOT AN EASY OUT FOR HIM. 466 00:27:44,577 --> 00:27:46,621 HE'S HERE ILLEGALLY. HE SHOULD JUST SAY 467 00:27:46,621 --> 00:27:49,165 TO SHIT OR WIND THEIR WATCH. THEY WON'T KNOW WHETHER 468 00:27:49,165 --> 00:27:51,584 [applause] 469 00:27:51,584 --> 00:27:55,004 - BOO! BOO! 470 00:27:59,425 --> 00:28:01,511 ON THE LIBERAL SIDE, 471 00:28:01,511 --> 00:28:03,387 WHAT'S HAPPENED TO LIBERALS. UNBELIEVABLE TO ME 472 00:28:03,387 --> 00:28:04,888 DID YOU EVER SEE THAT COMING? 473 00:28:04,888 --> 00:28:08,184 ANYONE OVER 30 CROWD. THAT, UH, DON'T TRUST 474 00:28:08,184 --> 00:28:11,228 THE YOUNG FLAMETHROWERS ALL THE--YOU KNOW, 475 00:28:11,228 --> 00:28:12,896 AND THE WEATHER UNDERGROUND. AT WOODSTOCK 476 00:28:12,896 --> 00:28:14,649 TURNING INTO DID YOU EVER SEE THEM 477 00:28:14,649 --> 00:28:18,902 SYCOPHANTIC GROUP OF GOV-BOTS? A MINDLESS, WHINEY, 478 00:28:18,902 --> 00:28:20,904 I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. 479 00:28:20,904 --> 00:28:23,698 CONTINUES TO BE BILL AYERS, AT AGE 70, 480 00:28:23,698 --> 00:28:28,621 A PONYTAIL IN SEARCH OF A MAN. 481 00:28:28,621 --> 00:28:30,122 IS THERE ANYTHING MORE TEDIOUS 482 00:28:30,122 --> 00:28:33,209 ON A PENSION? THAN A REVOLUTIONARY 483 00:28:33,209 --> 00:28:36,379 [laughter, applause] 484 00:28:42,426 --> 00:28:44,720 YOU NEVER SAW EMILIANO ZAPATA 485 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:49,725 ARGUING ABOUT A CO-PAY. AT A CVS COUNTER 486 00:28:49,725 --> 00:28:54,438 [laughter] 487 00:28:54,438 --> 00:28:57,483 AND POLITICAL CORRECTNESS? WHAT ABOUT US 488 00:28:57,483 --> 00:28:59,735 NIGHTTIME SENTRIES I MEAN, THERE WERE, LIKE, 489 00:28:59,735 --> 00:29:01,362 ON THE MAGINOT LINE 490 00:29:01,362 --> 00:29:03,739 THAN OUR P.C. POLICE. WHO WERE MORE RELAXED 491 00:29:03,739 --> 00:29:07,743 WHO ONLY DRINK THE KOOL-AID YOU GOT THE FOOD POLICE NOW 492 00:29:07,743 --> 00:29:11,288 OUT OF A LESS THAN 12-OUNCE CUP. 493 00:29:11,288 --> 00:29:15,751 CHRIST AT COMMUNION, NO DOUBT. NEXT STOP, GLUTEN-FREE BODY OF 494 00:29:15,751 --> 00:29:18,754 [laughter, applause] 495 00:29:21,882 --> 00:29:23,759 LIBERAL POLITICIANS ARE NOW 496 00:29:23,759 --> 00:29:27,471 OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. THE 1927 NEW YORK YANKEES 497 00:29:27,471 --> 00:29:28,764 MURDERERS ROW. 498 00:29:28,764 --> 00:29:30,849 IN THE CLEANUP SLOT. AND JOHN KERRY'S 499 00:29:30,849 --> 00:29:33,477 WITH GLOBAL WARMING SAYS HE'S MORE CONCERNED 500 00:29:33,477 --> 00:29:35,521 THAN HE IS WITH TERRORISM. 501 00:29:35,521 --> 00:29:38,774 LOVES HEARING THAT, HUH? YEAH, I'M SURE NETANYAHU 502 00:29:38,774 --> 00:29:41,694 IS AN EASTER ISLAND STATUE YOU KNOW, JOHN KERRY 503 00:29:41,694 --> 00:29:45,197 IN A POWER TIE, ALL RIGHT? 504 00:29:45,197 --> 00:29:49,410 [applause] - BOO! 505 00:29:49,410 --> 00:29:54,123 CLOCKFACE IN A DALI LITHO. HE REMINDS ME OF A MELTING 506 00:29:57,793 --> 00:30:00,921 THERE'S ANOTHER GENIUS, HUH? PATTY MURRAY, 507 00:30:00,921 --> 00:30:05,801 TO WORK ON A SUDOKU PUZZLE. SHE NEEDS A SPOTTER 508 00:30:07,803 --> 00:30:09,805 SHE'S MARIE CURIE THAT BEING SAID, 509 00:30:09,805 --> 00:30:13,643 NEXT TO NANCY PELOSI, HUH? WHEN YOU PUT HER 510 00:30:13,643 --> 00:30:15,811 [booing, scattered applause] 511 00:30:15,811 --> 00:30:18,314 MORE OVER HER HEAD NANCY PELOSI IS IN 512 00:30:18,314 --> 00:30:21,817 HITTING ON SHAQ. THAN A GAY DWARF 513 00:30:21,817 --> 00:30:25,279 [applause] - BOO! 514 00:30:32,703 --> 00:30:35,372 AT NANCY PELOSI'S EYES - IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY 515 00:30:35,372 --> 00:30:38,917 WHEN SHE'S PRETENDING TO THINK, 516 00:30:38,917 --> 00:30:41,504 ROTATING BEACH BALLS THEY LOOK LIKE 517 00:30:41,504 --> 00:30:45,841 WHEN IT CRASHES, YOU KNOW? ON YOUR LAPTOP 518 00:30:49,553 --> 00:30:51,847 UNDERSTAND HER ANYMORE I CAN'T EVEN 519 00:30:51,847 --> 00:30:56,852 MY SHRILL-TO-ENGLISH DICTIONARY. UNLESS I BREAK OUT 520 00:30:56,852 --> 00:30:59,896 I WANT TO TURN MY HEALTH CARE AND REMIND ME AGAIN, WHY DO 521 00:30:59,896 --> 00:31:04,901 THAT PLASTIC SURGEON? OVER TO SOMEONE WHO CHOSE 522 00:31:04,901 --> 00:31:07,863 [cheers and applause] 523 00:31:12,868 --> 00:31:15,496 LIFE LOOKING LIKE YOU'RE HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO THROUGH 524 00:31:15,496 --> 00:31:19,875 THE DOCKING OF THE HINDENBURG? PERPETUALLY WITNESSING 525 00:31:26,757 --> 00:31:28,843 THAT MUG ON A DECAL THEY OUGHT TO PUT 526 00:31:28,843 --> 00:31:30,636 ON THE FRONT OF DRONES. AND PUT IT 527 00:31:30,636 --> 00:31:33,930 SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE. 528 00:31:41,980 --> 00:31:44,525 GOOD OLD JOE BIDEN. THEN YOU GOT 529 00:31:44,525 --> 00:31:46,193 EH? 530 00:31:46,193 --> 00:31:49,864 OUR FRIEND, "PLUGS MACKENZIE." 531 00:31:49,864 --> 00:31:51,907 [chuckles] 532 00:31:51,907 --> 00:31:56,328 DOG IN PHIL SPECTOR'S HOUSE. BIDEN'S SHAKIER THAN A RESCUE 533 00:31:57,747 --> 00:31:59,790 REMINDS ME OF? YOU KNOW WHO BIDEN 534 00:31:59,790 --> 00:32:04,670 NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, YOU KNOW? UNCLE RICO FROM 535 00:32:06,756 --> 00:32:09,633 HE USED TO FLING THE ROCK, ALWAYS BRAGGING HOW 536 00:32:09,633 --> 00:32:11,385 AND CAN'T BELIEVE THEY GOT 537 00:32:11,385 --> 00:32:15,598 INTO THAT LITTLE BOTTLE. THAT BIG SHIP 538 00:32:23,898 --> 00:32:26,024 IN THE TWO SLOT, CHRIST, WITH BIDEN 539 00:32:26,024 --> 00:32:29,904 SECRET SERVICE FOR BARACK OBAMA. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET 540 00:32:34,950 --> 00:32:37,703 WHAT THE WORD "VOUCHSAFE" MEANS? YOU ALWAYS WONDER 541 00:32:37,703 --> 00:32:39,162 THAT. 542 00:32:39,162 --> 00:32:41,164 REIN HIM IN I LOVE IT WHEN THEY HAVE TO 543 00:32:41,164 --> 00:32:44,167 WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN. 544 00:32:44,167 --> 00:32:46,420 ON A SHORTER LEASH RIGHT NOW HE'S 545 00:32:46,420 --> 00:32:51,425 IN A CHARCUTERIE. THAN A PIT BULL 546 00:32:51,425 --> 00:32:53,427 PUT HIM IN ONE OF THOSE THEY MIGHT AS WELL 547 00:32:53,427 --> 00:32:57,514 YOU PUT ON YOUR DOG WHEN YOU-- PLASTIC LAMPSHADE COLLARS THAT 548 00:32:57,514 --> 00:33:02,185 SO HE DOESN'T SCRATCH HIMSELF. WHEN THEY TAKE HIS BALLS OFF 549 00:33:07,399 --> 00:33:08,984 I ACTUALLY THINK THERE ARE TIMES 550 00:33:08,984 --> 00:33:11,904 JOE BIDEN IS SERIOUSLY INSANE. 551 00:33:11,904 --> 00:33:13,322 AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. 552 00:33:13,322 --> 00:33:15,449 IN THE AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT I READ THE PORTION 553 00:33:15,449 --> 00:33:17,910 PREEXISTING CONDITIONS. THAT DEALS WITH 554 00:33:17,910 --> 00:33:20,537 ON PAGE 1297 IT SAYS, RIGHT THERE 555 00:33:20,537 --> 00:33:22,623 EXCEPT, OF COURSE, "ANYTHING IS COVERED 556 00:33:22,623 --> 00:33:26,001 'WHATEVER THE FUCK BIDEN HAS.'" 557 00:33:26,001 --> 00:33:30,589 [applause] 558 00:33:33,717 --> 00:33:37,012 WONDER IF HE'S ACTUALLY REAL, HE'S SO DELUSIONAL, I SOMETIMES 559 00:33:37,012 --> 00:33:39,306 HIMSELF SO VIVIDLY OR HE JUST IMAGINES 560 00:33:39,306 --> 00:33:43,018 I'M SEEING HIS HALLUCINATION. 561 00:33:46,730 --> 00:33:49,065 HIM OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEKEND I LOVE IT WHEN THEY HAVE TO GET 562 00:33:49,065 --> 00:33:52,235 AND HE SPENDS THE ENTIRE WEEKEND TO CAMP DAVID, 563 00:33:52,235 --> 00:33:55,030 ON THE GROUNDS GOING UP TO STAFF MEMBERS 564 00:33:55,030 --> 00:33:59,034 "HEY, ARE YOU DAVID?" AND SAYING, 565 00:34:08,043 --> 00:34:11,045 ON THAT SIDE, IF BIDEN RAN AGAINST HILLARY 566 00:34:11,045 --> 00:34:14,049 I'D PICK HILLARY. JESUS, HE'S SO FUCKING-- 567 00:34:14,049 --> 00:34:17,302 TO WIN, BUT I MUST SAY I MEAN, I DON'T WANT HILLARY 568 00:34:17,302 --> 00:34:19,262 IN EVERYTHING, THERE'S A SILVER LINING 569 00:34:19,262 --> 00:34:21,056 THE IDEA OF BILL AND I KIND OF LIKE 570 00:34:21,056 --> 00:34:25,060 WITH TIME ON HIS HANDS. BEING BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE 571 00:34:25,060 --> 00:34:28,731 - BOO! [laughter, applause] 572 00:34:30,315 --> 00:34:33,151 SUBTERRANEAN RIVER, - DOWN THERE ON THAT 573 00:34:33,151 --> 00:34:35,029 POLING AROUND LIKE 574 00:34:35,029 --> 00:34:39,700 PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. SOME INCREDIBLY HORNY 575 00:34:43,286 --> 00:34:44,955 TO GIVE SOME MONEY SORRY, I WANTED 576 00:34:44,955 --> 00:34:46,832 LAST YEAR, TO THE CLINTON FOUNDATION 577 00:34:46,832 --> 00:34:49,919 DOING SOMETHING LESS RISKY, BUT I WAS TOO BUSY 578 00:34:49,919 --> 00:34:51,962 MY POWER OF ATTORNEY LIKE SIGNING 579 00:34:51,962 --> 00:34:55,298 IN PRISON. OVER TO BERNIE MADOFF 580 00:34:55,298 --> 00:34:57,092 YOU KNOW WHO IRONICALLY MIGHT BE 581 00:34:57,092 --> 00:35:00,094 POLITICIAN OUT THERE RIGHT NOW? THE LEAST FULL-OF-SHIT 582 00:35:00,094 --> 00:35:03,306 THE MAYOR OF TORONTO, ROB FORD. 583 00:35:03,306 --> 00:35:06,852 [laughter, applause] 584 00:35:06,852 --> 00:35:08,520 GOT SOME SKILLS. I MEAN, THE GUY'S 585 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:10,940 YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT. 586 00:35:10,940 --> 00:35:15,569 GRANDPA WORKED A RICOLA HORN. WORKS A CRACK PIPE LIKE HEIDI'S 587 00:35:19,322 --> 00:35:23,368 A BIKRAM YOGI ON A NIACIN DRIP. ALWAYS DRIPPING SWEAT LIKE 588 00:35:26,789 --> 00:35:30,333 HIS CRACK DELIVERED IN BED, HOW LONG BEFORE FORD IS GETTING 589 00:35:30,333 --> 00:35:35,130 BY AMAZON DRONE, HUH? RIGHT ONTO HIS BARE CHEST 590 00:35:35,130 --> 00:35:36,966 BY THE WAY, WHAT KIND OF CRACK 591 00:35:36,966 --> 00:35:41,637 THAT HE'S THAT FUCKING FAT? IS ROB FORD DOING 592 00:35:41,637 --> 00:35:43,263 [chuckles] 593 00:35:43,263 --> 00:35:47,601 ENSURE? WHAT IS HE CUTTING IT WITH, 594 00:35:47,601 --> 00:35:52,481 [laughter, applause] 595 00:35:52,481 --> 00:35:55,067 WHEN THE MAYOR OF TORONTO JUST REMEMBER, 596 00:35:55,067 --> 00:35:59,279 IT WEIGHS 2.2 POUNDS. GIVES YOU THE KEY TO THE CITY, 597 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,579 A LIKABLE CREEP, THOUGH, RIGHT? AT LEAST FORD SEEMS LIKE 598 00:36:07,579 --> 00:36:09,164 WHEREAS SOMEONE, YOU KNOW, 599 00:36:09,164 --> 00:36:10,415 A DESPICABLE CREEP, HUH? LIKE HARRY REID'S 600 00:36:10,415 --> 00:36:12,167 [audience "oohs"] - BOO. 601 00:36:12,167 --> 00:36:16,296 IT'S A DESCRIPTION. - HARRY REID ISN'T A NAME, 602 00:36:18,799 --> 00:36:21,677 MOSTLY ALL OF THEM, I DON'T LIKE POLITICIANS, 603 00:36:21,677 --> 00:36:24,096 THINK THEY'RE SPECIAL. BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY 604 00:36:24,096 --> 00:36:26,098 I HONEST TO GOD WHEN I LOOK AT POLITICIANS, 605 00:36:26,098 --> 00:36:29,184 THEY FUCKING MATTER. THINK THEY THINK 606 00:36:29,184 --> 00:36:32,813 WHO SNICKER AT PEOPLE AND I DON'T DIG THE ONES 607 00:36:32,813 --> 00:36:34,690 YOU KNOW, THEY CONSTRUE TO BE RUBES, 608 00:36:34,690 --> 00:36:37,109 PEOPLE OF FAITH, SIMPLETONS. 609 00:36:37,109 --> 00:36:39,319 WITH POLITICIANS, CHRISTIANS JUST CAN'T WIN 610 00:36:39,319 --> 00:36:41,071 OR AT LEAST SECULARISTS. 611 00:36:41,071 --> 00:36:43,239 THEY'RE A CREATIONIST, IF A CHRISTIAN SAYS 612 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:45,659 GOD CREATED THE UNIVERSE, THAT THEY BELIEVE 613 00:36:45,659 --> 00:36:47,828 SECULARISTS WILL CHIDE THEM 614 00:36:47,828 --> 00:36:50,205 MORE LIKE CHARLES DARWIN. AND TELL THEM TO BE 615 00:36:50,205 --> 00:36:52,207 IF A CHRISTIAN GETS AHEAD, THEN LATER IN LIFE, 616 00:36:52,207 --> 00:36:54,209 WHAT HIS SECRET IS, AND THEY ASK HIM 617 00:36:54,209 --> 00:36:57,337 OF THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, AND HE SAYS DARWIN'S CORE THEORY 618 00:36:57,337 --> 00:37:01,925 TO BE MORE CHRIST-LIKE. THEY CHIDE HIM, AND TELL HIM 619 00:37:01,925 --> 00:37:05,888 GET FUCKED ON BOTH ENDS OF IT. YOU KNOW, CHRISTIANS 620 00:37:05,888 --> 00:37:08,223 EASIER TO BELIEVE IN PERSONALLY I FIND IT 621 00:37:08,223 --> 00:37:11,518 WHO WALKS ON CLOUDS A BEARDED GOD IN BIRKENSTOCKS 622 00:37:11,518 --> 00:37:13,896 THAN I DO AND DOESN'T FALL THROUGH THEM, 623 00:37:13,896 --> 00:37:18,692 MY MONEY WISELY, ALL RIGHT? A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT THAT SPENDS 624 00:37:18,692 --> 00:37:22,237 [cheers and applause] 625 00:37:27,450 --> 00:37:30,286 IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN NOWADAYS. YOU REALLY GOT TO WATCH YOURSELF 626 00:37:30,286 --> 00:37:34,249 DUCK DYNASTY GUY REALLY HARD THEY WENT AFTER THAT BEARDED 627 00:37:34,249 --> 00:37:36,251 AFTER HE EXPRESSED HIS OPINION, 628 00:37:36,251 --> 00:37:39,379 HIS OPINION ON HOMOSEXUALITY. ONE I DON'T SHARE, BUT 629 00:37:39,379 --> 00:37:41,381 WITH THIS TELLING PEOPLE WHERE DO WE GET OFF 630 00:37:41,381 --> 00:37:43,884 WHAT THEY CAN AND CANNOT THINK? 631 00:37:43,884 --> 00:37:47,054 [cheers and applause] 632 00:37:49,472 --> 00:37:53,268 BUT THERE'S LIKE A BILLION, NOW, KEEP IN MIND THEY ROLL HIM, 633 00:37:53,268 --> 00:37:57,480 OF ANOTHER FAITH IN THE WORLD, SHALL WE SAY, NON-CHRISTIAN MEN 634 00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:00,609 WHO GET A COMPLETE PASS WHO WEAR THAT SORT OF BEARD 635 00:38:00,609 --> 00:38:03,486 SOMEWHAT LESS PROGRESSIVE FROM THE MEDIA ON THEIR 636 00:38:03,486 --> 00:38:06,281 APPROACH TO HOMOSEXUALITY. 637 00:38:06,281 --> 00:38:07,490 AND THAT IS CRAP. 638 00:38:07,490 --> 00:38:10,660 [applause] 639 00:38:13,288 --> 00:38:16,583 ACTUALLY LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, MY FAITH TODAY, WELL, 640 00:38:16,583 --> 00:38:21,588 I CONSIDER MYSELF A PRAGNOSTIC. 641 00:38:21,588 --> 00:38:23,840 RIGHT NOW, BUT TRUST ME, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING 642 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:28,303 I'LL GRAB SOMETHING FAST. WHEN IT HITS THE FAN, 643 00:38:30,222 --> 00:38:31,974 FIRST SIX FEET I'LL BE ONE OF THOSE 644 00:38:31,974 --> 00:38:34,517 YOU KNOW? OF THE RAPTURE CONVERSIONS, 645 00:38:34,517 --> 00:38:39,522 OKAY, I GET IT. I GET IT. 646 00:38:39,522 --> 00:38:41,775 I'M NOT BORN AGAIN. I LIKE CHRISTIANS. 647 00:38:41,775 --> 00:38:44,153 A ROAD TO DAMASCUS MOMENT, I HAVEN'T HAD 648 00:38:44,153 --> 00:38:45,779 SWEET PEOPLE TO ME. BUT THEY SEEM LIKE 649 00:38:45,779 --> 00:38:48,323 I THINK EVERYBODY HAS A GOD. AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, 650 00:38:48,323 --> 00:38:51,367 WHO DEIFY OBAMA. I HAVE ATHEIST FRIENDS 651 00:38:51,367 --> 00:38:54,746 ARE JUST BALL BUSTERS. I, UH--I THINK SOME ATHEISTS 652 00:38:54,746 --> 00:38:56,331 THEY JUST WANT TO WIND YOU UP. 653 00:38:56,331 --> 00:38:58,333 FAKE A SNEEZE AROUND THEM. HERE'S WHAT YOU DO. 654 00:38:58,333 --> 00:39:02,337 A "GOD BLESS YOU" OUT OF THEM. SEE IF YOU CAN SNAG 655 00:39:02,337 --> 00:39:05,799 [laughter] THEY, UH-- 656 00:39:05,799 --> 00:39:09,303 THEY HATE IT. THEY HATE THAT. 657 00:39:11,013 --> 00:39:14,599 ABOUT MY GOD? YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE MOST 658 00:39:14,599 --> 00:39:19,354 HIS NAME OUT OF THE SPECIAL. AND HE'S ASKED ME TO KEEP 659 00:39:19,354 --> 00:39:22,398 DEMAND BY WAY OF FEALTY I LIKE THAT MY GOD DOESN'T 660 00:39:22,398 --> 00:39:24,359 THAT I LIQUIDATE ALL THE JEWS. 661 00:39:24,359 --> 00:39:29,323 FOR A GOD WITH ME. I, UH-- THAT'S ALWAYS A GOOD START 662 00:39:29,323 --> 00:39:33,035 [applause] 663 00:39:33,035 --> 00:39:36,371 CHARGE OVER IN ISRAEL, YOU KNOW? I'M JUST GLAD NETANYAHU'S IN 664 00:39:36,371 --> 00:39:40,458 [applause] HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. 665 00:39:40,458 --> 00:39:43,461 LIKE THEY GET ALONG. I THINK HE PRETENDS WITH OBAMA, 666 00:39:43,461 --> 00:39:45,463 HE DOESN'T. COME ON. 667 00:39:45,463 --> 00:39:47,382 I'M SURE HE'S THINKING, 668 00:39:47,382 --> 00:39:50,510 TO MAKE WHEN IT'S GO TIME." "FINE, ONE LESS PHONE CALL 669 00:39:50,510 --> 00:39:53,055 [laughter] 670 00:39:53,055 --> 00:39:55,515 AT FACE VALUE I TAKE RADICAL ISLAM 671 00:39:55,515 --> 00:39:57,726 THEY WANT TO DESTROY ISRAEL. WHEN THEY SAY 672 00:39:57,726 --> 00:39:59,353 YOU KNOW WHY I DO? 673 00:39:59,353 --> 00:40:02,647 IS A FOOLS ERRAND. BECAUSE PARSING MADNESS 674 00:40:02,647 --> 00:40:05,359 OF OCCAM'S RAZOR, I TRUST THE THEORY 675 00:40:05,359 --> 00:40:08,237 OCCAM'S SCIMITAR. OR AT LEAST IN THIS CASE, 676 00:40:08,237 --> 00:40:10,947 THAT THE SIMPLEST ANSWER YOU KNOW, THE THEORY 677 00:40:10,947 --> 00:40:13,533 IS USUALLY THE CORRECT ANSWER. 678 00:40:13,533 --> 00:40:15,618 OF THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE YOU KNOW WHY A LOT 679 00:40:15,618 --> 00:40:17,871 ARE FUCKING NUTS? IN THE MID-EAST 680 00:40:17,871 --> 00:40:21,041 BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING NUTS. 681 00:40:21,041 --> 00:40:24,211 [laughter, applause] 682 00:40:29,883 --> 00:40:31,426 THEY'RE TOO WIRED. 683 00:40:31,426 --> 00:40:33,303 IN THE NEXT LIFE, THEY'RE TOO WRAPPED UP 684 00:40:33,303 --> 00:40:34,930 AND NOT ENOUGH IN THIS ONE 685 00:40:34,930 --> 00:40:37,640 GETTING LAID ENOUGH. BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT 686 00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:39,684 WAS A BAD GUY, NOW LISTEN, THE SHAH OF IRAN 687 00:40:39,684 --> 00:40:42,437 TO GO TO BEIRUT ONCE A YEAR BUT AT LEAST HE WANTED 688 00:40:42,437 --> 00:40:46,566 EUROPEAN HOOKERS AND COKE. AND BINGE ON HIGH-END 689 00:40:46,566 --> 00:40:49,694 YOU COULD TALK TO HIM. 690 00:40:53,782 --> 00:40:55,658 THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI FELT 691 00:40:55,658 --> 00:40:58,453 HIGH-END HOOKERS AND DO COKE HE ONLY GOT TO BED 692 00:40:58,453 --> 00:41:02,665 AND DIED, OKAY? AFTER HE KILLED ALL THE JEWS 693 00:41:02,665 --> 00:41:06,086 YOU COULDN'T TALK TO HIM. 694 00:41:06,086 --> 00:41:07,963 IT'S TOO FANATICAL OVER THERE. 695 00:41:07,963 --> 00:41:11,216 COFFINS DOWN THE MAIN DRAG YOU GOT GUYS CROWD SURFING 696 00:41:11,216 --> 00:41:13,468 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON. 697 00:41:13,468 --> 00:41:15,387 DOES ANYBODY CHILL OUT 698 00:41:15,387 --> 00:41:17,347 AND WATCH ELLEN? OVER THERE AFTER NOON 699 00:41:17,347 --> 00:41:21,726 I MEAN, UH... 700 00:41:21,726 --> 00:41:24,020 I DON'T TRUST RELIGIONS BY AND LARGE, 701 00:41:24,020 --> 00:41:28,275 GET WINDED PRAYING. WHERE YOU CAN 702 00:41:32,695 --> 00:41:34,990 TO CALL THEM OUT. TIME FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA 703 00:41:34,990 --> 00:41:36,992 WHO APPEAR TO ME RADICAL ISLAM ARE THE FOLKS 704 00:41:36,992 --> 00:41:40,329 AND GUNS, MR. PRESIDENT. TO BE CLINGING TO THEIR GOD 705 00:41:40,329 --> 00:41:43,498 AS "KORAN THUMPERS"? WHY DON'T YOU REFER TO THEM 706 00:41:43,498 --> 00:41:46,626 [laughter, applause] 707 00:41:50,713 --> 00:41:53,967 WE'RE LEAVING A COUNTRY FOR GOD SAKES, WE NOW ANNOUNCE 708 00:41:53,967 --> 00:41:57,179 WE START FIGHTING. A DAY BEFORE 709 00:41:57,179 --> 00:41:59,806 IT'S WAR. FOLKS, THIS ISN'T YOPLAIT, 710 00:41:59,806 --> 00:42:03,268 PUT EXPIRATION DATES ON THIS. I MEAN, YOU CAN'T 711 00:42:03,268 --> 00:42:05,145 THE FIRST COUNTRY PRETTY SOON WE'RE GONNA BE 712 00:42:05,145 --> 00:42:07,522 OF THE PLANET IN THE RECORDED HISTORY 713 00:42:07,522 --> 00:42:12,527 CARDS BEFORE A MAJOR INVASION. TO SEND OUT "SAVE THE DATE" 714 00:42:12,527 --> 00:42:15,530 [cheers and applause] 715 00:42:15,530 --> 00:42:19,159 GET THE BOMB. WE CAN'T LET THE IRANIANS 716 00:42:19,159 --> 00:42:20,994 YOU KNOW THAT. 717 00:42:20,994 --> 00:42:23,538 OF IRAN'S NUCLEAR FACILITIES? HAVE YOU SEEN THAT STOCK FOOTAGE 718 00:42:23,538 --> 00:42:26,541 IT LOOKS LIKE A MICROBREWERY. 719 00:42:26,541 --> 00:42:29,503 WHEN YOU SEE THEIR SCIENTISTS ARE YOU NOT FREAKED OUT 720 00:42:29,503 --> 00:42:31,880 AND ON THE WALL BEHIND THEM, DIPPING THAT LADLE, 721 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:36,759 "RIGHTY TIGHTY, LEFTY LOOSY"? THEY'VE GOT A POSTER THAT SAYS, 722 00:42:36,759 --> 00:42:39,888 WHAT? 723 00:42:42,474 --> 00:42:45,185 TERROR IN THAT REGION. I'VE GOT AN IDEA ON HOW TO FIGHT 724 00:42:45,185 --> 00:42:49,523 SECRET SANTA PLAN." I CALL IT "MY MID-EAST 725 00:42:49,523 --> 00:42:51,066 ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DRILL. 726 00:42:51,066 --> 00:42:53,443 IN THE MID-EAST A SECRET SANTA. YOU ASSIGN EACH COUNTRY 727 00:42:53,443 --> 00:42:56,571 LET'S SAY YEMEN AND OMAN. 728 00:42:56,571 --> 00:42:59,574 THE SECRET SANTA PLAN, YOU TELL THEM YOU'VE INSTITUTED 729 00:42:59,574 --> 00:43:02,452 WHO THEIR SECRET SANTA IS. BUT YOU DON'T TELL THEM 730 00:43:02,452 --> 00:43:07,457 YOU BLOW THE FUCK OUT OF OMAN. THEN IF YEMEN ACTS UP, 731 00:43:07,457 --> 00:43:10,585 YOU BLOW YEMEN UP. IF OMAN ACTS UP, 732 00:43:10,585 --> 00:43:12,587 BE ON THEIR TOES, THIS WAY, THEY'LL ALWAYS 733 00:43:12,587 --> 00:43:14,214 POLICE THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW? 734 00:43:14,214 --> 00:43:15,590 SLOW YOUR ROLL. WHOA, WHOA, BROTHER, 735 00:43:15,590 --> 00:43:18,301 WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE? 736 00:43:18,301 --> 00:43:22,805 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU MIGHT BE MY SECRET SANTA. 737 00:43:22,805 --> 00:43:24,891 [laughter] 738 00:43:24,891 --> 00:43:26,142 - BOO! 739 00:43:26,142 --> 00:43:29,604 [applause] 740 00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:35,277 - I'M JUST THINKING. 741 00:43:37,237 --> 00:43:38,613 UH, RUSSIA. 742 00:43:38,613 --> 00:43:41,616 ABOUT RUSSIA, ARE YOU? I'M NOT AS WORRIED 743 00:43:41,616 --> 00:43:42,658 PUTIN--I DON'T KNOW. 744 00:43:42,658 --> 00:43:44,119 PUTIN ON HIS WORST DAY IS LIKE 745 00:43:44,119 --> 00:43:46,704 IN JIHAD, YOU KNOW? MISS CONGENIALITY 746 00:43:46,704 --> 00:43:48,623 HE'S KIND OF GOOFY. 747 00:43:48,623 --> 00:43:50,917 GOLD NIPPLE, OR SOMETHING. HE'S LIKE A BOND VILLAIN, 748 00:43:50,917 --> 00:43:53,044 HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS, YOU KNOW? 749 00:43:53,044 --> 00:43:54,712 HE TAKES CRIMEA LIKE THAT. 750 00:43:54,712 --> 00:43:59,092 "OMG WTF." OUR GUY TWEETS, 751 00:43:59,092 --> 00:44:03,888 [laughter] 752 00:44:03,888 --> 00:44:05,765 IF PUSH CAME TO SHOVE, YOU KNOW, I'M PRETTY SURE 753 00:44:05,765 --> 00:44:08,518 OUR EXTERIOR FOES, WE WOULD STILL VANQUISH 754 00:44:08,518 --> 00:44:10,645 WE'RE GONNA TRIUMPH BUT I'M NOT SO SURE 755 00:44:10,645 --> 00:44:13,565 ANYMORE, HUH? IN OUR OWN INTERNAL BATTLE 756 00:44:13,565 --> 00:44:17,569 AMERICA 180 IS GETTING SOFTER, ON ALMOST EVERY LEVEL 757 00:44:17,569 --> 00:44:19,904 AND PARTICULARLY OUR KIDS, MAKING US, 758 00:44:19,904 --> 00:44:22,157 INCREASINGLY HELPLESS. IT SEEMS TO ME, 759 00:44:22,157 --> 00:44:24,159 IN THIS CULTURE NOW YOU KNOW, YOUNG KIDS 760 00:44:24,159 --> 00:44:28,538 BEE AFTER ASKING THE MODERATOR ARE SO SOFT THAT IN A SPELLING 761 00:44:28,538 --> 00:44:30,915 AND USE IT IN A SENTENCE, TO DEFINE THE WORD 762 00:44:30,915 --> 00:44:35,170 THE MODERATOR TO SPELL IT. THEY CAN NOW ACTUALLY ASK 763 00:44:35,170 --> 00:44:36,671 [laughter] 764 00:44:36,671 --> 00:44:41,343 THAT'S NOT GOOD. 765 00:44:41,343 --> 00:44:43,512 THE ECONOMY IS RIGHT NOW? YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW BAD 766 00:44:43,512 --> 00:44:45,888 A LOT OF COLLEGE GRADUATES A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT 767 00:44:45,888 --> 00:44:50,101 THEIR PARENTS WHO ARE HOMELESS. ARE MOVING BACK HOME WITH 768 00:44:52,187 --> 00:44:56,858 BEHIND TO NO CHILD HAS LEFT. WE'VE GONE FROM NO CHILD LEFT 769 00:44:59,653 --> 00:45:02,905 FOR 112 WEEKS. YOU CAN NOW GET UNEMPLOYMENT 770 00:45:02,905 --> 00:45:05,617 112 WEEKS OF UNEMPLOYMENT. 771 00:45:05,617 --> 00:45:08,911 UNEMPLOYMENT TENURE, OKAY? WE'RE MOVING TOWARDS 772 00:45:10,913 --> 00:45:12,748 WE GOT TOO MANY TAXES NOW. 773 00:45:12,748 --> 00:45:16,378 OF WHAT I MAKE WHILE I'M ALIVE. THE INHERITANCE TAX, I PAY 50% 774 00:45:16,378 --> 00:45:18,838 HALF OF MY HALF. I DIE, I GOT TO PAY 775 00:45:18,838 --> 00:45:20,590 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO, 776 00:45:20,590 --> 00:45:22,342 THAT YOU'RE GONNA DIE, IF YOU GET SOME HEADS UP 777 00:45:22,342 --> 00:45:25,345 INTO CASH OR SOMETHING START LIQUIDATING YOUR ASSETS 778 00:45:25,345 --> 00:45:28,181 AND TAKE IT WITH YOU. A WEEK OUT FROM YOUR DEMISE, 779 00:45:28,181 --> 00:45:32,561 WINNEBAGO COFFIN, ALL RIGHT? BE BURIED IN A BIG, OLD, HONKING 780 00:45:32,561 --> 00:45:34,479 INTO THE FUCKING DITCH JUST DRIVE IT RIGHT 781 00:45:34,479 --> 00:45:36,981 AND COVER YOURSELF UP. 782 00:45:36,981 --> 00:45:38,941 BLOODSUCKERS, IF THEY'RE GONNA BE 783 00:45:38,941 --> 00:45:42,736 ACTUAL GRAVE ROBBERS TOO. WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THEM 784 00:45:42,736 --> 00:45:45,739 [cheers and applause] 785 00:45:50,744 --> 00:45:52,622 WOULD HAVE NEVER OUR FOUNDING FATHERS 786 00:45:52,622 --> 00:45:54,957 THIS BULLSHIT TAX STUFF. PUT UP WITH ANY OF 787 00:45:54,957 --> 00:45:58,712 IN A GREG LOUGANIS SPEEDO JOHN ADAMS WOULD HAVE BEEN 788 00:45:58,712 --> 00:46:00,754 IN HIS MOUTH, HOLDING A FUCKING MUSKET 789 00:46:00,754 --> 00:46:03,216 SWIMMING ACROSS THE ATLANTIC. 790 00:46:03,216 --> 00:46:06,969 REPRESENTATION IS TYRANNY, BECAUSE WHILE TAXATION WITHOUT 791 00:46:06,969 --> 00:46:11,391 REPRESENTATION IS EVEN WORSE. TAXATION WITH INCESSANT 792 00:46:11,391 --> 00:46:13,809 WHERE DO I SEND THE CHECK? HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT? 793 00:46:13,809 --> 00:46:17,731 THE FUCK ALONE, ALL RIGHT? AND THEN LEAVE ME 794 00:46:17,731 --> 00:46:20,650 [cheers and applause] 795 00:46:30,535 --> 00:46:33,996 TO HELP THE HELPLESS. BELIEVE ME, I WANT TO PAY TAXES 796 00:46:33,996 --> 00:46:38,501 TO HELP THE CLUELESS. I DON'T WANT TO PAY TAXES 797 00:46:38,501 --> 00:46:43,506 TAXES TO PEOPLE WHO HATE ME. AND I ESPECIALLY HATE PAYING 798 00:46:43,506 --> 00:46:45,341 YOU KNOW, THE OCCUPY MOVEMENT. 799 00:46:45,341 --> 00:46:50,346 PLIGHT I ACTUALLY DELIGHT IN. I'M NOW SUBSIDIZING PEOPLE WHOSE 800 00:46:50,346 --> 00:46:53,807 [laughter] 801 00:46:53,807 --> 00:46:55,477 TO WRITE A CHECK AND I'M EXPECTED 802 00:46:55,477 --> 00:46:57,687 FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. 803 00:46:57,687 --> 00:46:59,481 YOU KNOW, I'M PRETTY SURE, KIDS, 804 00:46:59,481 --> 00:47:03,943 TO SUCKLE THROUGH DENTURES. THAT MAN WAS NOT MEANT 805 00:47:06,446 --> 00:47:10,116 NOW, AND ONE NOT. WE GOT ONE PERSON PAYING TAXES 806 00:47:10,116 --> 00:47:12,243 CAN WE AT LEAST IF IT IS HALF AND HALF NOW, 807 00:47:12,243 --> 00:47:16,581 SPONSORSHIP, ALL RIGHT? GO TO AN ACTUAL ONE-ON-ONE 808 00:47:16,581 --> 00:47:19,041 THE GUY ONCE A MONTH WHERE I GET TO MEET 809 00:47:19,041 --> 00:47:24,046 ACROSS THE TABLE AT THE DINER, AND SLIDE THE CHECK 810 00:47:24,046 --> 00:47:27,925 FUCKING LOOKING FOR A JOB. ASK HIM IF HE'S EVEN 811 00:47:27,925 --> 00:47:31,053 [cheers and applause] 812 00:47:41,855 --> 00:47:43,733 TELL YOU WHAT I'M DOING NOW. 813 00:47:43,733 --> 00:47:46,736 ALTERNATIVE INVESTMENTS, HUH? I'M INVESTING MY MONEY IN 814 00:47:46,736 --> 00:47:48,697 IN A COMPANY GOT A LITTLE SEED MONEY 815 00:47:48,697 --> 00:47:50,782 RANGE ROVERS WITH MUD THAT PRE-SPATTERS 816 00:47:50,782 --> 00:47:55,537 WHO WANT TO APPEAR INTREPID. FOR WUSS OWNERS 817 00:47:59,123 --> 00:48:02,126 ON A NEW OFF-BROADWAY PRODUCTION ALSO A THEATRE ANGEL 818 00:48:02,126 --> 00:48:06,756 ALL BUTCH WOMEN IN THE CAST. OF 12 ANGRY MEN WITH 819 00:48:10,343 --> 00:48:12,512 AN INTERNET STORE I'M THINKING OF OPENING 820 00:48:12,512 --> 00:48:16,641 BRICK AND MORTAR, HUH? THAT SELLS ONLY 821 00:48:19,893 --> 00:48:21,895 HERE'S A GOOD ONE. 822 00:48:21,895 --> 00:48:25,899 G-STRING SO A GUY CAN TIP HER PLACE A BARCODE IN A STRIPPER'S 823 00:48:25,899 --> 00:48:30,112 AND SCANNING, YOU KNOW. BY JUST HOLDING UP HIS PHONE 824 00:48:30,112 --> 00:48:32,824 HOW MUCH YOU GAVE HER. HOLD THE PHONE UP, IT SHOWS HER 825 00:48:32,824 --> 00:48:35,869 IN AND TURN THE G-STRING YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT THE BILLS 826 00:48:35,869 --> 00:48:39,288 CHRISTMAS WREATH PROJECT. INTO AN UNWIELDY 827 00:48:42,958 --> 00:48:45,961 NON-DIGITAL BUSINESS IDEAS TOO I'VE GOT SOME OTHER 828 00:48:45,961 --> 00:48:48,047 A LITTLE MONEY OFF OF. THAT I HOPE TO MAKE 829 00:48:48,047 --> 00:48:51,426 FOR OBAMACARE SIGNUP I'M SELLING SMALL BILLBOARDS 830 00:48:51,426 --> 00:48:53,135 THAT THEY CAN PUT ON THE WALLS 831 00:48:53,135 --> 00:48:56,890 FROM MEXICO OVER TO THE STATES. OF DRUG SMUGGLING TUNNELS 832 00:48:58,850 --> 00:49:01,352 HIT THE GROUND, YOU KNOW? THIS WAY PEOPLE CAN 833 00:49:03,937 --> 00:49:06,274 I'M SORRY, AS FAR AS OBAMACARE GOES, 834 00:49:06,274 --> 00:49:09,943 I TOLD YOU SO, ALL RIGHT? BUT I DO WANT TO SAY 835 00:49:09,943 --> 00:49:13,656 YOU KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE CRAP. I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE CRAP. 836 00:49:13,656 --> 00:49:16,033 IT'S CRAP. 837 00:49:16,033 --> 00:49:18,952 OBAMACARE SUPPORTERS BUT USE CARE IF YOU APPROACH 838 00:49:18,952 --> 00:49:20,413 WITH THE UNFORTUNATE FACTS. 839 00:49:20,413 --> 00:49:22,164 THEY GET PISSED OFF. 840 00:49:22,164 --> 00:49:24,292 WHEN THEIR PET NOTIONS ZEALOTS GET VILE 841 00:49:24,292 --> 00:49:26,294 IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES. CRATER RIGHT 842 00:49:26,294 --> 00:49:29,672 THE RECYCLING BIN AT 3:00 A.M. THEY TURN INTO RACCOONS AT 843 00:49:29,672 --> 00:49:32,717 [hissing] 844 00:49:36,888 --> 00:49:38,514 TRYING TO SLIP NOW THE PRESIDENT'S 845 00:49:38,514 --> 00:49:40,683 NAMED OBAMACARE. THE BURDEN OF HAVING IT 846 00:49:40,683 --> 00:49:43,269 THE AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT. THEY'RE CALLING IT 847 00:49:43,269 --> 00:49:45,979 THE AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE ACT I'LL START CALLING IT 848 00:49:45,979 --> 00:49:50,984 TO BARACK AFFORDABLE, ALL RIGHT? WHEN HE LEGALLY CHANGES HIS NAME 849 00:49:50,984 --> 00:49:55,114 YOU BREAK IT, YOU BUY IT, PAL. 850 00:49:55,114 --> 00:50:00,119 I'VE FALLEN, AND I WON'T GET UP. I THINK OBAMACARE BOILED DOWN IS 851 00:50:00,119 --> 00:50:01,871 EVERYBODY ALWAYS ASKS 852 00:50:01,871 --> 00:50:04,457 TO OBAMACARE IS. WHAT THE REPUBLICAN ALTERNATIVE 853 00:50:04,457 --> 00:50:06,083 WE COULD SAY LEECHING AT THIS POINT 854 00:50:06,083 --> 00:50:08,544 AHEAD OF THE GAME. AND STILL BE 855 00:50:08,544 --> 00:50:12,632 [laughter, scattered applause] 856 00:50:12,632 --> 00:50:14,676 IN THIS COUNTRY. THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK 857 00:50:14,676 --> 00:50:17,887 CANADIAN AND AMERICAN, MY WIFE IS DUAL-CITIZEN 858 00:50:17,887 --> 00:50:19,848 AND IT BARELY WORKS IN CANADA. 859 00:50:19,848 --> 00:50:22,015 THE PEOPLE HERE, AND WE'VE GOT 10 TIMES 860 00:50:22,015 --> 00:50:27,020 AND NICE AND KIND AND POLITE. AND CANADIANS ARE PATIENT 861 00:50:27,020 --> 00:50:31,024 WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN HERE CAN YOU IMAGINE 862 00:50:31,024 --> 00:50:33,361 SOMEBODY THEY GOT TO WAIT THE FIRST TIME THEY TELL 863 00:50:33,361 --> 00:50:36,781 X-RAY ON THEIR ARM THAT HURTS? IN LINE FOR EIGHT MONTHS FOR AN 864 00:50:36,781 --> 00:50:38,533 THEY'LL GO INSANE. 865 00:50:38,533 --> 00:50:40,075 IT'LL MAKE THE DAY OF THE LOCUST 866 00:50:40,075 --> 00:50:41,911 THE BARN-RAISING SCENE LOOK LIKE 867 00:50:41,911 --> 00:50:46,916 FOR SEVEN BROTHERS,ALL RIGHT? IN SEVEN BRIDES 868 00:50:46,916 --> 00:50:49,042 AT WALMART'S FRONT DOOR THINK ABOUT THE CROWD 869 00:50:49,042 --> 00:50:52,129 AT 6:00 A.M. ON BLACK FRIDAY. 870 00:50:52,129 --> 00:50:54,799 NOW, TAKE AWAY THEIR MEDS. 871 00:50:54,799 --> 00:50:58,051 [laughter] 872 00:51:00,053 --> 00:51:01,764 MOST DOCTORS HATE IT. 873 00:51:01,764 --> 00:51:03,558 INTO THEIR EARNINGS. IT'S GONNA CUT 874 00:51:03,558 --> 00:51:05,935 PRACTICING HOW TO MAKE SOME OF THEM ARE ALREADY 875 00:51:05,935 --> 00:51:10,606 TO TAKE IN A LITTLE ON THE SIDE. ANGIOPLASTY BALLOON ANIMALS 876 00:51:13,359 --> 00:51:15,778 DEMOCRATS WILL EVENTUALLY MY ONLY HOPE NOW IS THE 877 00:51:15,778 --> 00:51:18,155 REALIZE YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA DO OBAMACARE IN WHEN THEY 878 00:51:18,155 --> 00:51:21,534 TO PARTICIPATE IN THE PROGRAM. NEED A PHOTO I.D. 879 00:51:21,534 --> 00:51:25,078 [applause] AND, UH-- 880 00:51:28,750 --> 00:51:32,712 WOULD BE A DISASTROUS ROLLOUT. PRESIDENT OBAMA DIDN'T KNOW IT 881 00:51:32,712 --> 00:51:33,922 DID NOT KNOW. 882 00:51:33,922 --> 00:51:36,089 THEY INSIST HE'S BRILLIANT, 883 00:51:36,089 --> 00:51:39,844 ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING TODAY. BUT OBAMA NEVER SEEMS TO KNOW 884 00:51:39,844 --> 00:51:43,305 [cheers and applause] 885 00:51:43,305 --> 00:51:45,307 THE FIRST PRESIDENT THIS GUY'S GONNA BE 886 00:51:45,307 --> 00:51:49,270 WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. TO END UP ON MOUNT RUSHMORE 887 00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:54,358 ABOUT THE PRESIDENT? LET'S SEE. WHAT DO I LIKE 888 00:51:54,358 --> 00:51:56,109 I LIKE THE WAY HE HANDLED 889 00:51:56,109 --> 00:51:58,111 IN HIS FIRST TERM. THE PIRATE SITUATION 890 00:51:58,111 --> 00:52:00,740 HAD TO BE. HE WAS DECISIVE THERE. 891 00:52:00,740 --> 00:52:04,117 PIOTE PULLING UP ON A JET SKI CAN'T HAVE THE ROAD COMPANY 892 00:52:04,117 --> 00:52:07,997 FLIP-FLOPS AND A WIFE-BEATER IN A PAIR OF DAY-GLO ORANGE 893 00:52:07,997 --> 00:52:11,626 TAKING OVER THE QUEEN MARY WITH A MASSENGILL LOGO ON IT 894 00:52:11,626 --> 00:52:16,631 OF CONCH SHELL WALKIE-TALKIES. WITH A SPEAR GUN AND A PAIR 895 00:52:16,631 --> 00:52:21,134 SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE. 896 00:52:21,134 --> 00:52:23,012 HOW DO THESE CRAZY FUCKERS 897 00:52:23,012 --> 00:52:25,556 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN? GET ON A BOAT 898 00:52:25,556 --> 00:52:27,391 TRIED TO BOARD A BOAT HAVE YOU EVER 899 00:52:27,391 --> 00:52:32,313 WHILE IT'S IN HARBOR? THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A TICKET ON 900 00:52:36,025 --> 00:52:40,071 KIDS DOWN THERE!" HOW--"CAPTAIN, SOME PISSED-OFF 901 00:52:40,071 --> 00:52:41,864 "WHAT ARE THEY PISSED ABOUT?" 902 00:52:41,864 --> 00:52:43,699 SHOULD I LOWER A ROPE LADDER?" "CAN'T HEAR THEM. 903 00:52:43,699 --> 00:52:47,202 "YEAH, PUT THAT--" 904 00:52:47,202 --> 00:52:49,204 WHAT'S YOUR BEEF? "HI, SON, I'M THE CAPTAIN. 905 00:52:49,204 --> 00:52:51,164 "WHAT'S YOUR NAME? TAMCOCO? 906 00:52:51,164 --> 00:52:53,166 PISSED ABOUT? "TAMCOCO, WHAT ARE YOU 907 00:52:53,166 --> 00:52:58,089 A TOM HANKS MOVIE, TAMCOCO?" WANT TO BE IN 908 00:52:58,089 --> 00:53:00,424 IT'S NOT ALL THAT DRAMATIC YOU KNOW, 909 00:53:00,424 --> 00:53:02,259 WITH ME AND BARACK OBAMA. 910 00:53:02,259 --> 00:53:05,054 IT'S NOT CLASSIST. HE'S UH--IT'S NOT RACIST. 911 00:53:05,054 --> 00:53:07,389 IT'S NOT IDEOLOGICAL. 912 00:53:07,389 --> 00:53:12,185 CIVIL SERVANT. HE'S JUST AN INEPT 913 00:53:12,185 --> 00:53:15,272 AT THE TOLLBOOTH HE'S--HE'S THE GUY 914 00:53:15,272 --> 00:53:19,192 THE WRONG CHANGE. WHO CONSTANTLY GIVES OUT 915 00:53:19,192 --> 00:53:23,572 [laughter, applause] 916 00:53:28,828 --> 00:53:31,413 HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT. AND I'M GLAD WE FINALLY 917 00:53:31,413 --> 00:53:33,457 THE RACIST THING ON ME. QUIT DROPPING 918 00:53:33,457 --> 00:53:35,292 IT WAS TIME. 919 00:53:35,292 --> 00:53:38,838 THAT WE ARE ALL CREATED EQUAL, IT'S ALSO A VIVID REMINDER 920 00:53:38,838 --> 00:53:42,884 OF ALL RACES, COLORS, AND CREEDS AND THAT WE NOW KNOW THAT MEN 921 00:53:42,884 --> 00:53:46,679 CAN REALLY SUCK AT THAT JOB. 922 00:53:46,679 --> 00:53:51,184 [laughter, applause] 923 00:53:54,854 --> 00:53:57,565 AT COCKTAIL PARTIES NOW. HERE'S HOW I PLAY THE OBAMA GAME 924 00:53:57,565 --> 00:54:00,317 LOOKING FOR ME TO BITE. SOMEBODY COMES UP TO ME 925 00:54:00,317 --> 00:54:02,235 THEY SAY, "OBAMA'S A GENIUS. 926 00:54:02,235 --> 00:54:04,072 THINGS WOULD BE RIGHT NOW "CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD 927 00:54:04,072 --> 00:54:05,531 IF WE DIDN'T HAVE HIM?" 928 00:54:05,531 --> 00:54:07,742 TO COME UP OUT OF THE WATER AND NOW THEY WANT ME 929 00:54:07,742 --> 00:54:11,244 OFF MONITOR IN THE KEYS. LIKE I'M A TARPON 930 00:54:13,246 --> 00:54:15,666 I DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM. I JUST DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM. 931 00:54:15,666 --> 00:54:17,250 IN THE EYES, TAKE A BREATH, I JUST LOOK THEM CALMLY 932 00:54:17,250 --> 00:54:20,755 HE SURE IS A GENIUS. AND I SAY, "YEAH, 933 00:54:20,755 --> 00:54:23,674 WE'VE EVER HAD. "HE'S THE SMARTEST PRESIDENT 934 00:54:23,674 --> 00:54:27,136 DURING HIS TIME IN OFFICE." I'M JUST THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE 935 00:54:27,136 --> 00:54:29,471 FOR A COUPLE SECONDS. AND THEN YOU HOLD 936 00:54:29,471 --> 00:54:32,183 ABSOLUTELY NO IRONY. AND YOU CONVEY 937 00:54:32,183 --> 00:54:34,267 AN EYE FLARE. YOU CAN'T GIVE EVEN 938 00:54:34,267 --> 00:54:37,521 GUARANTEE YOU THREE SECONDS IN JUST LOOK AT THEM, AND I 939 00:54:37,521 --> 00:54:41,025 "HEY, WHY YOU FUCKING WITH ME?" THEY'LL SAY, 940 00:54:41,025 --> 00:54:44,570 [laughter] 941 00:54:44,570 --> 00:54:46,781 ROLL WITH IT. DON'T LET THEM BROW YOU UP. 942 00:54:46,781 --> 00:54:50,910 IN THE ASS JIU JITSU. USE A LITTLE PAIN 943 00:54:50,910 --> 00:54:54,580 IS A VENTURE SOCIALIST. LOOK, BOTTOM LINE, BARACK OBAMA 944 00:54:54,580 --> 00:54:58,126 [laughter] HE WILL SINK-- 945 00:54:58,126 --> 00:55:00,002 INTO ANYTHING HE'LL SINK HIS MONEY 946 00:55:00,002 --> 00:55:02,295 AS LONG AS IT'S YOUR MONEY. 947 00:55:02,295 --> 00:55:06,050 GOODWILL SPENDING LAST YEAR IN THIS COUNTRY 948 00:55:06,050 --> 00:55:11,055 OF TAX MONEY ON PENIS PUMPS. KICKED IN $173 MILLION 949 00:55:11,055 --> 00:55:14,142 $173 MILLION IN PENIS PUMPS. THE FEDS. 950 00:55:14,142 --> 00:55:16,435 JUST MY BROTHER'S KEEPER. APPARENTLY I'M NO LONGER 951 00:55:16,435 --> 00:55:19,147 I'M ALSO HIS FLUFFER. 952 00:55:19,147 --> 00:55:22,691 - OH! [laughter] 953 00:55:24,860 --> 00:55:27,238 OBAMA WAS A GREAT CANDIDATE, - LISTEN, 954 00:55:27,238 --> 00:55:29,157 BUT HE'S BEEN A BAD PRESIDENT, 955 00:55:29,157 --> 00:55:30,992 FOR THE OFFICE. AND HE'S STILL RUNNING 956 00:55:30,992 --> 00:55:34,536 CAN'T EVEN LEGALLY RUN AGAIN. FUNDRAISERS EVERY NIGHT, AND HE 957 00:55:34,536 --> 00:55:36,831 THIS GUY DOES MORE FUNDRAISERS 958 00:55:36,831 --> 00:55:41,334 WITH A HIDDEN BLOW PROBLEM. THAN A PBS CFO 959 00:55:43,378 --> 00:55:46,090 AND HE'S A TELEPROMPTER JUNKIE. 960 00:55:46,090 --> 00:55:50,552 I THINK IT SAYS. AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT 961 00:55:50,552 --> 00:55:52,554 THE FUCKING PRESIDENT. YEAH, BUT I'M NOT 962 00:55:52,554 --> 00:55:54,849 I'M A COMIC. 963 00:55:54,849 --> 00:55:58,351 HE SAYS, "EH, EH, EH." YOU GET HIM OFF PROMPTER, 964 00:55:58,351 --> 00:56:01,814 NIGHT CLUB ACT. IT'S LIKE JAKE LAMOTTA'S 965 00:56:01,814 --> 00:56:05,358 ARE LESS DEPENDANT ON MACHINERY I KNOW PEOPLE ON DIALYSIS WHO 966 00:56:05,358 --> 00:56:08,654 ON TELEPROMPTERS. THAN BARACK OBAMA IS 967 00:56:08,654 --> 00:56:11,240 LOVE HIM. BUT THE DEMOCRATIC STATES 968 00:56:11,240 --> 00:56:14,618 IT'S AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. THEY'RE NEVER GONNA LEAVE HIM. 969 00:56:14,618 --> 00:56:18,247 BUT GIVE THIS GUY THIS. 50 SHADES OF BLUE, 970 00:56:18,247 --> 00:56:20,666 GOING FOR HIM, HE DID IT WITH LITTLE ELSE 971 00:56:20,666 --> 00:56:23,376 A GENIAL MATTER, OUTSIDE OF A GLIB ATTITUDE, 972 00:56:23,376 --> 00:56:25,378 SPEAKING STYLE. AND A BEAUTIFUL 973 00:56:25,378 --> 00:56:28,883 A MASSIVE COUP D'ETAT. I BELIEVE HE'S PULLED OFF 974 00:56:28,883 --> 00:56:31,510 NOW ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS? AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA PLAY THAT 975 00:56:31,510 --> 00:56:33,095 YOU GONNA FIGHT THAT? 976 00:56:33,095 --> 00:56:34,638 I THINK NOT. I THINK NOT. 977 00:56:34,638 --> 00:56:37,390 OUT FRONT ON THIS ONE. TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET 978 00:56:37,390 --> 00:56:39,601 GANG AUDITED. YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF 979 00:56:39,601 --> 00:56:42,521 YOU HAVE TO TAKE A BREATH. 980 00:56:42,521 --> 00:56:45,649 IT HAPPENED FOR THE MOMENT. JUST TELL YOURSELF 981 00:56:45,649 --> 00:56:48,443 IT DID HAPPEN. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, 982 00:56:48,443 --> 00:56:51,404 SUBLETTING THE ASYLUM. THE INMATES ARE NOW 983 00:56:51,404 --> 00:56:53,406 OBJECTIVIST IN ME NOW, THE AYN RAND 984 00:56:53,406 --> 00:56:55,743 A LITTLE RIGHT NOW. WOULD TELL YOU TO PULL THE PLUG 985 00:56:55,743 --> 00:56:57,410 JUST TO SHRUG. 986 00:56:57,410 --> 00:57:00,331 AND LOCK YOUR POD FACE ON, GET YOUR WAZOO ARMOR-ALLED 987 00:57:00,331 --> 00:57:02,875 GONNA GET NASTY HERE. ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE THEY'RE 988 00:57:02,875 --> 00:57:06,503 HISTORICALLY EVENTUALLY THIS WILL AUTOCORRECT 989 00:57:06,503 --> 00:57:09,464 WITH A 1929 FIX, OR GOD FORBID, 990 00:57:09,464 --> 00:57:12,634 LIKE AN 1861 FIX. SOMETHING MORE FRACTIOUS 991 00:57:12,634 --> 00:57:15,263 AND HUMAN NATURE THE LAWS OF MARKET 992 00:57:15,263 --> 00:57:17,514 WILL FIX ITSELF. DICTATE THAT THIS 993 00:57:17,514 --> 00:57:20,309 WILL FIX IT WHEN THEY REALIZE PERHAPS EVEN THE TAKERS 994 00:57:20,309 --> 00:57:22,644 THE HOST ORGANISM. THEY'RE ABOUT TO CROAK 995 00:57:22,644 --> 00:57:27,524 LIVE YOUR LIFE INSIDE-OUT. NOW, IN THE INTERIM, YOU HAVE TO 996 00:57:27,524 --> 00:57:29,443 THE PUBLIC ARENA YOU DON'T GO INTO 997 00:57:29,443 --> 00:57:33,572 YOU HAVE TO LOOK WITHIN. LOOKING FOR FULFILLMENT ANYMORE, 998 00:57:33,572 --> 00:57:37,159 BULLSHIT IS DRIVING YOU CRAZY. PAYING ATTENTION TO ALL THAT 999 00:57:37,159 --> 00:57:38,786 THEY'VE ALREADY GOT YOUR MONEY. 1000 00:57:38,786 --> 00:57:41,455 DON'T GIVE THEM YOUR SANITY TOO. FOR CHRIST SAKE, 1001 00:57:41,455 --> 00:57:44,833 [cheers and applause] 1002 00:57:50,131 --> 00:57:54,343 AS AN IN-THE-MOMENT ARCHEOLOGIST I NOW THINK OF MYSELF 1003 00:57:54,343 --> 00:57:57,471 DEMISE OF THE CULTURE. OBSERVING THE REAL-TIME 1004 00:57:57,471 --> 00:58:00,474 MANAGEMENT. I'M NOW IN TO DENOUEMENT 1005 00:58:00,474 --> 00:58:04,395 IS ALREADY IN THE FLUME. I REALIZE THE SOCIETAL LOG RIDE 1006 00:58:04,395 --> 00:58:06,480 TO STOP IT ANY MORE. I'M NOT TRYING 1007 00:58:06,480 --> 00:58:09,608 MIDDLE SEAT AND A PLASTIC PONCHO I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A REAR 1008 00:58:09,608 --> 00:58:12,778 TO STAY AS DRY AS I CAN. 1009 00:58:12,778 --> 00:58:17,574 [cheers and applause] YOU-- 1010 00:58:17,574 --> 00:58:19,743 DAMN IT! FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILIES, 1011 00:58:19,743 --> 00:58:21,912 WE ALL LET THE POLITICAL SET IN RETROSPECT, 1012 00:58:21,912 --> 00:58:24,539 INTO OUR OWN HEADS. GET WAY TOO FAR 1013 00:58:24,539 --> 00:58:28,710 POLITICS WITH LOVED ONES. FOR GOD SAKES, DON'T ARGUE 1014 00:58:28,710 --> 00:58:31,588 THEY'RE STRANGERS. POLITICIANS ARE PRICKS. 1015 00:58:31,588 --> 00:58:33,715 THEY'RE GRIFTERS. THEY'RE CREEPS. 1016 00:58:33,715 --> 00:58:35,968 TO LET THEM INTO YOUR HOME, THEY DON'T MATTER ENOUGH 1017 00:58:35,968 --> 00:58:37,511 MUCH LESS YOUR DINNER TABLE. 1018 00:58:37,511 --> 00:58:40,473 LIKE HARRY REID, IF YOU DETEST A LOATHSOME MAN 1019 00:58:40,473 --> 00:58:43,517 DON'T FIGHT WITH HER ABOUT IT. AND YOUR SISTER LOVES HIM, 1020 00:58:43,517 --> 00:58:45,436 JUST REMEMBER YOUR SISTER'S 1021 00:58:45,436 --> 00:58:48,605 SHITTY TASTE IN MEN. ALWAYS HAD UNERRINGLY 1022 00:58:48,605 --> 00:58:50,524 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. GOOD NIGHT, 1023 00:58:50,524 --> 00:58:53,527 [cheers and applause] 1024 00:58:53,527 --> 00:58:56,530 [rock music] 1025 00:58:56,530 --> 00:59:04,538 ♪ ♪ 1026 00:59:56,090 --> 00:59:57,216 GO ALL THE WAY! - MY GOD, IT'S GONNA 1027 00:59:57,216 --> 00:59:58,967 - OH, MY GOD!- OH, MY GOD! - OH!