June 19, 2012, from comedy
Central's world news
Headquarters in new york, this
Is "the daily show" with jon
Stewart.
["daily show" theme song
Playing]
[cheers and applause]
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jon: Welcome to "the daily
Show".
My name is jon stewart.
Good night tonight.
Our guest tonight supposed to be
Senator marco rubio from
Florida.
Unfortunately harry reid
Scheduled a lot of senate floor
Votes for this evening.
Senator rubio unable to get
Away.
Whicheads me to sate -- say
The thing I say almost every
Day, you (bleep)ed me again,
Harry reid.
Y (bleep)ed me again.
[ laughter ]
The senator will be here next
Week.
In his police we got very lucky
Denisleary.
Graciously stepped in his lace.
A young -- dlenis leary.
Both candidates face the task of
Solidifying the enthusiasm of
Their base while reaching out to
The undecided to cover all of
Tonight's democalypse2012 panda
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[ laughter ]
The first rule --
[ laughter ]
-- I might have gotten their
Slogan wrong.
[ laughter ]
The first rule of election year
Seduction is knowing your
Audience.
Both gave speeches that offered
Demographic snapshots of their
Campaigns.
Barack obama must appeal to a
Diverse endlessly fractured
Coalition of competing interest
While romney has to bring
Together what appears to be 50
Shades of white.
[ laughter ]
So the different makeup of this
Stittencecies determined the
Strategy.
The democrats torque win, must
Go lord of rings style.
Bring together all the armies of
Middle earth.
[ laughter ]
To fight what they believe is
The evil eye of mormon.
[ laughter ]
They've got to bring together
The gays, the environmentists,.
[ laughter ]
-- Hired union labor --
[ laughter ]
-- And of course, short, often
Bearded people known for
Hoarding gold, I don't know
Which group within the
Democratic stittencecy that they
Would -- constituecy they would
Represent.
[ laughter ]
Meanwhile, romney must help his
Mo homogenuos constituency.
Let's represent his strategy
With -- I don't know -- the
Alamo.
A last ditch effort by white
Americans to keep mexicans out
Of their basements.
[ laughter ]
Not an exact science.
[ lahter ]
So far obama strategy has been
To entice each group with a
Different spoism he has come out
In support of gay marriage.
He has --
[ laughter ]
-- Spoken about making college
More affordable.
[ laughter ]
And he gave shimon perez the
Meddle of freedom.
[ laughter ]
Good one.
It really aleves only one group
Unspoken for.
this morning secretary
Napolitano announced new acts my
Administration will take to mend
Our immigrations -- nation's
Immigration policy.
Over the next few months
Eligible individuals who not
Present a risk to national
Security or public safety would
Be able to request temporary
Relief from deportation
Proceedings and apply for work
Authorization.
jon: Those who are still a
Risk will be targeted by flying
Robot drones with high-powered
Lasers.
Your move, davy crockett, what
Are you going to do?
rick scott said it's aimed at
Clearing regulation rolls of
Noncitizens.
jon: So the time honor yod
Tradition continues.
Iowa begins the presidential
Race and florida (bleep)s all
Over it.
We're joined by wyatt and john
Oliver.
Thank you for joining he is.
Wyatt you are following the
Romney campaign, john you are em
Embedded with the obama
Campaign.
How does the obama
Administration say it's just
Election year pandering?
who who who, they want to
Make it clear, they didn't do
This for votes.
They did it because it's the
Right thing to do.
That being said, immigrant
Voters wish to express their
Gratitude at the polls this
November, that would be muy, muy
Bueno, comprend snerks.
jon: What is the response
From republicans?
Is restricting voter access to
The polls the idea for them?
republicans don't want to
Stop people from voting they
Want to make sure college
Student dozen it safely.
They'll merely be asked to
Provide their own urine for drug
Testing purposes, four gallons
Of it.
jon: That's a lot of urine.
exactly, jon, which is why
The president is announcing
Tomorrow that all children of
Jewish mothers are now doctors.
[aughter ]
jon: What?
Can the president do in a?
The president can't do that?
of course, the president can
Do that dr. Stewart.
Congratulations, by the way.
It's been done before.
In 1954 president truman turned
All of americans filipinos into
Podiatrists.
jon: I think the democrats
Took florida with in a.
That's really --
republicans are raising the
Voting age.
jon: To what?
to that period where you are
Dead but your finger nails and
Hair still grow.
Romney baptized those dead
People.
jon: John?
cats can vote.
Big ones, little ones, house and
Wild.
They can adopt children and get
Married but they can vote.
Remember kitties yes we meow!
all polling places are in dog
Houses.
we don't do that to that
Would deliberately ailencate the
Cat vote!
jon: Aren't they concerned
That this type of scorched earth
Politicking will make it more
Difficult to fix the problems
Facing america?
fix the problems?
[ laughter ]
jon, the purpose of election
Isn't to fix the problems facing
The country.
It's to win!
right!
jon: Thank you.
We'll be right back.
[cheers and applause]
jon: Welcome back.
Now, as we've seen, the
President's use of executive
Power to permit certain young
Imfrants to stay in the country.
It's upset many republicans, not
Because could lose them the
Hispanic vote for generations
But because they feel badly it
Took sew balma so long to do it.
he promised immigration
Reform in the first year and did
He nothing.
he had overwhelming
Majorities in both houses of
Congress.
Nothing was done.
he had the full run of the
Table and he failed to get it
Done.
jon: We were begging him.
To fundamentally transform
America's approach to
Immigration.
Look how we rallied around him
With the whole health care
Thing.
We love the guy.
Apparently obama miss the the
Opportunity to get immigration
Reform done two, three years
Ago.
No use now on wondering what
Might have happened if only he
Tried.
It was December 2010.
Yes, I remember it well.
¶ you better watch out, you
Better not cry you better not
Pout I'm telling you why santa
Claus is coming to town ¶
[ laughter ]
Pretty sure that was the wrong
December 2010 memory.
[ laughter ]
Pretty sure that was --
[ laughter ]
Spanx will make anyone look
Skinny.
I was looking for the memory
About obama trying to get the
Dream act through congress.
the president was, we should
Say, dealt one significant
Defeat this weekend when
Republicans blocked the so
Called dream act.
the senate voted in favor of
Bill 55-41 but that wasn't
Enough to stop a republican
Filibuster.
[ laughter ]
jon: I could have actually
Grown a beard in that amount of
Time but at least obama failed
The right way, legislatively but
This unilateral action.
is simply constitutional
Decency.
the executive branch has
Given to itself something that
The people's representatives in
Congress rejected two years ago.
we've got a president, we
Don't have a king.
jon: But you admit he's
President.
Progress!
You've done it.
He's president.
[ applause ]
Freedom!
[ laughter ]
Apparently what obama has done
Is completely without precedent
In our democracy.
[ laughter ]
To find examples of a president
Acting unilaterally on
Deportation policy would -- to
Find exam.
S of that -- examples of that
You would haveo back as far
As --
george w. Bush has issued an
Executive order to grant
Reprieve to lie leerans facing
Deportation to the united
States.
jon: All hail king george
The bush.
Other than george bush, capitol
Hill clinton, george h.W. Bush
And ronald reagan no president
In modern history has changed
Deportation through executive
Action except all of them.
They may be what you call
Situational or until I saw this
On fox news.
let me play this for the
Audience so they understand and
Fully grasp here the magnitude
Of whathe did on Friday.
Let's play this.
jon: There's a gotcha
Coming!
I bet it's a big one.
this notion that somehow I
Can just changes the laws
Unilaterally is not true.
The fact of the matter is there
Are laws on the books that I
Have to enforce.
I think there's been a grit
Disservice done -- great
Disservice done to the cause of
Getting the dream act passed and
Getting comprehensive
Immigration passed by
Perpetrating the notion that
Somehow by myself I can go and
Do these things.
It's just not true.
jon: Oh, (bleep).
Um, wow that was just nine
Months ago.
The president publicly admitting
He's not allowed to do the thing
He just dd.
That's -- game over fox.
Kudos.
I'm sometimes a little bit hard
On the folk there's, perhaps
Somewhat judgmental, quick to
Pounce.
I'm a dick.
Of kind of a dick but they got
It right.
I commend them.
I acknowledge they are diligence
And accuracy and I apologize.
Before I go, one more thing,
Maybe it's just me that but
Video --
[ laughter ]
It looked to me like the
President might not have been
Done speaking.
I don't know if that's the truth
Or not.
I'm probably wrong but I won't
Sleep tonight unless we give it
A quick check and role the
Unedited tape.
the notion that somehow by
Myself I can go and do these
Things is just not true.
What we could do is prioritize
Enforcement since there are
Limited enforcement resources
And say, we're not going to go
Chasing after this young man or
Anybody else who has been acting
Responsibly and would otherwise
Qualify for legal status if the
Dream act passed.
jon: (bleep).
[ laughter ]
They just cut obama off just
Before -- they cut him off
Before he clearly says that he
Can do the exact thing he just
Did but which you said he said
He's not supposed to --
[ laughter ]
Mother (bleep).
You almost had me, fox news.
Almost had me but reverse, got
You!
The whole inning in is like I
Dream I witness had.
-- I once had.
[ laughter ]
¶ silent night, holy night ¶
¶ all is calm ¶
¶ all is bright ¶
[ laughter ]
jon: We'll we'll be right ba.
[cheers and applause]
jon: Welcome back.
Gi midwest tonight a very,
Very -- my guest tonight a very,
Very funny actor.
His new movie is "the amazing
Spiderman."
make your point quickly.
I know who it is.
dr. Curtis connor.
Who is also my daughter's mentor
Is that who you are talking
About?
that is the one.
he wrote a glowing college
Recommendation.
When I read it, I cried.
You would have me believed he's
Running around dressing up like
A dinosaur.
not dressing up.
He has transformed himself into
A giant lies yard.
let me ask you a question:
Do I look like the mayor of
Tokyo?
jon: Please welcome back to
The program denis leary.
[cheers and applause]
Sit down.
[cheers and applause]
it's linen.
jon: It's beautiful pale
Something.
It's nice.
it's summery.
I'm always dark when I come on
The show.
I thought I'll be like a light
Summer guy.
jon: You are going to
(bleep) on that you'll go to
Carm ens and be like my
Jacket.
he knows me.
This will have pizza juice all
Over it in an hour.
jon: Sit down.
waiting for you.
Ask can I say a couple of
Things.
I'm filling in for a guest who
Canceled senator --
jon: Marco rubio.
I'm going to lord this over
Your (bleep) head for as long
As we (bleep).
jon: Are you talking about
Rubio owe or me?
me.
I'm doing you a huge favor by
Being here right now.
jon: Thank you.
You owe me.
Remember that lung transplant
You needed?
[ laughter ]
Who killed that vague grant,
Took the lungs and stuffed them
Down your (bleep) throat?
Who di that?
it's true.
Did he do that.
jon: You owe me, sister.
yes.
Can I ask a question?
jon: Please.
was that a colombo
Impression.
jon: I watched before the
Show started to try to remember.
My first voice was this -- I
Don't know let me asking a
Question.
You know I can't do impressions.
was that indian guy your
Obama impression?
Because it (bleep).
[ laughter ]
jon: Can I do one thing
Queens guy.
do you the queens guy great.
jon: And old jewish guy.
and whiney jew.
That's your normal state of
Being.
You are really good at it.
jon: That's not an
Impression it's more of just --
It's like oh, right I'm awake.
I get that.
jon: You do whiney jew
Really well.
Yeah, yeah.
I do a variety.
Tired jew.
yes.
jon: You --
do you angry jew.
Is he not a great ainge angry
Jew?
jon: I appreciate that.
The angry jew is of course,
Always where is my sandwich!
It's sandwich related anger, by
The way.
I spent many times with you
When you were angry over
Sandwiches late night after
Gigs.
You were always angry about a
Sandwich.
Because it's about proportions.
[ laughter ]
You go to these places who makes
A grilled cheese sandwich with
(bleep) three inches of bread
On both sides and two slices of
Cheese?
I understand.
Somebody is really (bleep) off
About the sandwiches.
jon: Just because your
People have not developed taste
Buds doesn't mean the rest of us
Have to suffer.
my people can taste whiskey
Seven blocks away.
[cheers and applause]
By sniffing.
jon: That's not taste.
That's just sensing it.
sniffing the air.
jon: Let's talk about the
Movie.
there's two movies.
There's ice age 12.
jon: Oh, please.
There's paycheck 12 and then
There's did.
spider -- "the amazing
Spiderman".
jon: Why are you in the
First one.
You were already green goblin if
The nirts speederman?
Why are you -- in the first
Spiderman?
you know I've been away from
Security because people think
I'm defoe -- dafoe from
Spiderman.
I get security because of who is
The man?
Great hip-hop movie.
jon: Dr. Dre.
I'm in it and people in
Security say who is the man,
Sergeant cooper and I get hey,
Man, spiderman before I'm in
This spiderman movie.
Poor dafoe because you know he's
Getting operation dumb bow drop
Somewhere.
jon: You think in airports
They are like you are not
Getting through here.
Are we done?
I see them giving you the
Signal.
I'm filling in for a senator.
I should get extra -- I should
Have -- I should have like an
Extra five minutes to talk about
The farm bill.
jon: You have time to stick
Around and go to the web?
I'll go to the web.
jon: The amazing spiderman
In theaters --
and ice age 4 July 13.
jon: You plays the wambat
Afraid of cold water.
Denis leary.
jon: That's our show.
Join us us tomorrow night at
11:00.
Here it is your moment of zen.
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