Thank you, thank you.
Oh, if you overate too much tonight I got a great song
that the paesans would understand. It's Agita.
Uno, two!
Agita, my gumba
In the banzone
When I eat, he gets a treat like a canzone
He enjoys every meal
Every bite that I steal
Agita, my gumba In the banzone
Some people like their pizza
Some people like a suffrite
And others like hot pepper on everything they eat
You hunger with a vuole
To taste that baccalé
Then all at once you think
Will I answer to gumba?
My lovely, lovely woman
I hate to see her cry
But when I start to mangia
I get the evil eye
My vuole's getting stronger
Ah, the hell with my gumba
Then I get it from my woman
Agita, my gumba
In the banzone
When I eat, he gets a treat
Like a canzone
He enjoys every meal
Every bite that I steal
Agita, my gumba In the banzone
You have to do the Miami jokes.
If you're in Florida, you do Miami jokes, in Atlantic City you do...
Morty, I tried Miami jokes.
I don't know what works anymore.
Why? What happened?
Well, you know I got that big Miami joke that I do.
You know, about the hotels being expensive...
Right.
How much it costs to stay, like $150 a day for a sleeping room.
I said to the clerk, "What's cheaper?"
He said, "I got a room for $10, but you gotta make your own bed."
I said. "I'll take it." So, he gave me a hammer
and a board and some nails. And that's the joke, you know.
Yeah, it's a good joke. It works.
Good joke? It's been working for years.
- Last night it died. - Really?
Died. I tell you, Morty, that audience sat there
like they were an oil painting.
I don't know why. It always works when I do it.
- You do that joke? - Sure, all the time.
Maybe that's where I got it from.
Do you know that when I broke into this business
in New York that I could play
at least 12 to 20 weeks a year without leaving the city.
- There was the Copa, the Latin Quarter. - The China Doll?
I played the China Doll, Elegante, in Brooklyn.
Queen's Terrace?
I played the Boulevard, Suburban.
- San Su San. - The Suburban.
The Riviera, Bill Miller's, right?
Look, how far you have to go.
You went to Washington last week. I went to Baltimore.
- Yeah. - You gotta have good tires to work today.
- You know what's happening... - Or a good car.
Or a good car.
The first impression I ever did, I went to see a film called
The Seventh Veil, and I didn't even want to
become an impressionist.
What I was trying to do was develop an English accent.
The idea of impersonating James Mason...
was the furthest thing from my mind.
And out came this impression,
and I've been doing impressions ever since.
But this thing is all in, like, the mask, right?
And then I did Picasso for a few weeks.
You know the first time I saw you do Mason?
It was backstage at the Sullivan show.
And you... You were brilliant.
And I was there with Danny Rose.
- Remember Danny Rose? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. He was handling an act, then a manager,
he was handling an act then, a one-legged tap dancer,
which was his normal handling. Danny Rose.
Yeah. Oh, he's the best.
May I say one word?
Might I just interject one concept at this juncture?
You're looking for somebody for Memorial Day weekend.
My blind Xylophone player, okay?
The man would be perfect for your room.
- Ah, forget it. - What? Philly, hear me out.
Will you please hear me out? The man is a beautiful man.
He's a fantastic individual.
My hotel gets old Jewish people.
They're blind! They ain't gonna pay to see a blind guy.
All right, all right, so forget that then.
- Phil, how about Herbie Jayson's birds? - Aw, come on.
Herbie Jayson's birds.
They're little birds, they peck tunes out on a piano.
It's a beautiful thing.
Aw! All right, what about my one-legged tap dancer?
Take him for a weekend. My one-legged...
All right, my one-armed juggler. My one-armed juggler.
Not for my hotel!
All right, what about Lou Canova?
Lou Canova, my Italian singer, he'd be great.
Lou Canova's a dumb, fat, temperamental has been
with a drinking problem.
Jeez, what about Eddie Clark's penguin?
That's a perfect... Eddie Clark and his penguin.
The penguin skates on the stage dressed as a rabbi.
It's hilarious. The penguin's got a beard like a...
I'll tell you what, Danny.
Give me Sonny Chase. He's the best act you got.
He's fast, he's funny.
I don't handle Sonny anymore.
Since when?
Oh, it's a long story, Philly, really.
I found... I discovered the kid, he slept on my sofa.
I supported him.
I don't want to badmouth the kid,
but he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse.
And I say that with all due respect.
I know, Danny. They get a little success,
- and then they leave you. - That's what... That's my point!
Believe me, Philly, if I had all the acts in this business
that I started that made it, I'd be a rich man today.
I'd like to help you, Danny.
But Weinstein's Majestic Bungalow Colony is a classy place,
and I need a classy act.
Well, that's why I want to show you this lady.
She is the Jascha Heifetz of this instrument.
She is really something. You gotta see this, Philly,
it's absolutely incredible. She...
Never took a lesson. Never. Self-taught.
Next year, Philly, my hand to God,
she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall.
But you, I'll let you have her now at the old price, okay?
Which is anything you want to give me.
Anything at all, Philly.
I remember that woman that played the glasses.
You have never seen acts like this in your life.
I mean, this guy would work his tail off for these acts.
I mean, if he believed in an act,
he would go all out.
Danny, my partner wants me to open up with the dachshund.
But I think I should open up with the swan or the giraffe.
The swan is pretty, and it fascinates the people.
Or have an animal of this type.
Ah, I think that your partner's right.
You should open up with the dachshund,
and then you should move on and build to the giraffe.
I think you should close with the giraffe
'cause it's got more impact.
- Really? - If you take my advice,
I think you're gonna become
one of the great balloon folding acts of all time. Really.
'Cause I don't see you just folding these balloons in joints, you know.
You're gonna... You listen to me,
you're gonna fold these balloons at universities and colleges.
You're gonna make your snail and your elephant on Broadway.
You know what I mean? But the thing to remember is
before you go out on stage,
you gotta look in the mirror,
you gotta say your three S's.
Star, smile, strong.
- Star, smile, strong. - Star, smile, strong.
You know, Danny used to be a performer himself.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - He was a comic.
Sure. He worked the Catskills.
Yeah, he did all the old jokes and stole from everybody.
He was exactly the kind of comic you'd think he'd be.
Tell me, God bless you, darling.
Let me ask you a question, sweetheart. How old are you?
Just, just tell me how old you are.
- Eighty-one. - Eighty-one years old, isn't that fantastic?
No, really. She's 81.
This is fantastic. I mean that.
Unbelievable, you don't look a day over 80.
No, I mean it.
I'm just kidding, darling, really.
I love you, sweetheart. You're really, really beautiful.
What sign are you, darling? You know what sign you are?
What?
"What?" She says, "What." She's great.
But I drove up here today. I love driving.
You know, you run across so many interesting people.
And I saw a terrible accident.
Two taxi cabs collided.
Thirty Scotchmen were killed.
- That's something... - I'll tell you something.
The reason he stopped doing his act was
because he was working the Catskill Mountains.
All right? Yeah. Now, nobody in the audience is under 80 years old.
Okay, he's on stage doing his act,
- two people get heart attacks. - Oh, yeah.
So naturally, he became a personal manager.
- What else? - Yeah, that's right.
If you can't do a good act, you become a personal manager, right?
But his acts were so devoted.
- Yeah. They loved him. - Yeah, they did that.
I mean, where you gonna find that kind of devotion today?
- Honesty... - I gotta tell you something, though.
The funniest Danny Rose story
is the time he's handling a hypnotist.
He's got the guy... The hypnotist.
And he's got the guy working the Catskill Mountains.
And the guy brings... The hypnotist brings up this little old Jewish lady
and he hypnotizes her.
Tessie, Tessie.
The body is warm. You see, it's a good sign.
The body is still warm.
- Tessie, Tessie! - Okay, let's go, huh?
I promise you, if your wife never wakes up again,
I promise you, I will take you
to any restaurant of your choice, okay?
He's taking me to a restaurant after he kills my wife.
Come on, come on, wake up, please!
Do you like Chinese food? Do you like Chinese food?
All right, you finished?
Excuse me. Hold it, hold it. Are you finished?
- I would've paid to see him. - Are you finished?
- Yeah, yeah. - What do you want?
Because I have
- the greatest Danny Rose story. - Uh-huh. He's always got the greatest story.
Hold it, now. Are you finished?
- Yeah. - I have the greatest
Danny Rose story, all right?
You got a couple of moments? You wanna do anything?
'Cause this is gonna take some time.
- Can I go to the washroom? - Go ahead.
- Corbett, order. - I'd like to go change my suit.
Change your suit. Okay, order, are you ready?
We're gonna be here a while. Okay?
This is the greatest Danny Rose story.
This is the one with Lou Canova.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - Canova, that's the tall guy, the singer?
- Ah. - The Italian kid?
He was the kid that had those semi-hit records in the '50s.
That's right.
Yeah, he had a record, I think, called Agita.
it was on the charts for about 15 minutes.
This is not during those 15 minutes.
This is 25 years later.
And Lou cannot get anybody to handle him.
I mean, the man's in trouble.
And the only one who believes in him is Danny Rose.
And by now, you gotta remember,
Lou is a has-been. He's got a big ego,
a temperament, and a slight drinking problem.
And Danny has faith.
I like the looks of you
The lure of you
The sweet of you
The pure of you
The eyes, the nose, the mouth of you
The east, west, north, and the south of you
I'd like to gain
Complete control of you
And handle even the heart and soul of you
So love at least a small percent of me, do
I do, I do, I do, I do
'Cause I love all of you
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do
Yeah
There's a third show? I thought there's only two.
No, there's three on weekdays,
and there's four on weekends.
Four? Tell 'em I'll walk!
- Four shows. Crazy. - What do you mean? You can't...
Lou, we're not in a position yet to walk, you know.
And I... And I say "yet," I used the word yet.
- My hair's all screwed up and everything. - Your hair is fine.
- My tux, my pants. Everything is... - Your tux is fine.
Did you do the three S's?
Yeah, strong, smile, star. I know, I know.
Every time you tell me. Every time you say the same thing.
And what you should do is My Funny Valentine
after you do great crooners from the past who are deceased.
- Hi, Lou, I wanted to meet you. - I'm discouraged. I'm down.
You're fine. Darling, darling, come back later.
God bless you, darling.
What are you discouraged about?
Lou, you were magnificent.
I can't pay my alimony.
But, so, I'm telling you I'll waive my commissions
till we get rolling, that's all.
How you gonna live? You gotta eat.
Don't worry about me so much, will you? For God sakes.
You know, I got other acts.
And, you know, I think about you in the long run.
That's what I'm saying. You're the kind of guy
that will always make a beautiful dollar in this business.
You know what I mean? You're what I call a perennial.
You, you get better looking as you get older.
That's true. I mean, when I'm out there singing,
I can feel the women mentally undressing me.
It's true.
Okay, so Danny is everything to Lou.
He picks his songs, his arrangements.
He picks his shirts, his clothes. He eats with him.
They're inseparable.
Danny's his manager, his friend, his father confessor.
Do me a favor. I wanna go across the street
and get one white rose.
- You want to get a white rose? - One white rose.
- Why do you want a white rose? - Danny, I met this chick.
Ah, Lou. Lou, don't tell me about it
because, you know, you're gonna get caught in a hotel room,
you're gonna wind up paying three alimonies, not two.
No, no, no. This is a classy chick.
- I can imagine. - Classy, I mean, you know,
she's one of these decorators.
Yeah. With all due respect, Lou, you got a sweet wife.
- This is different. I mean, I'm in love. - Ah, great.
The usual single white rose for Tina Vitale.
And just the words, "I love you, my bambina."
Come here a minute. Lou, Lou, come here.
Lou, just step into my office for a minute.
Lou, Lou, what do you mean, "The usual single white rose?"
How long has this been going on?
For a while. I can keep a secret, you know.
You're keeping a secret from me?
Hey, look, I knew you'd get miffed about it.
I knew the whole thing, you'd get bugged because of my wife and everything.
But, Danny, Danny, Tina, she's beautiful.
She's like a Madonna.
I believe you, but does she know you're married?
Hey, I leveled with her.
Yeah, so what kind of woman is she if she knows you're married?
You know, I tried to introduce you to her for a long time.
But I knew you wouldn't have it. Forget it.
Ah, look, I have always tried to teach you,
Lou, I've always tried to show you that sooner or later,
you're gonna have to square yourself with the big guy.
Is that true? You're gonna square yourself with the...
You're gonna pay your dues someday.
You know, you're a married man.
My Aunt Rose, take my Aunt Rose.
Not a beautiful woman at all.
She looked like something you'd buy in a live bait store.
But why? She had wisdom.
And she used to say,
"You can't ride two horses with one behind."
So you see what I'm saying?
You see, that's my point.
SANDY". Okay, now a little time passes.
Danny's still struggling with the various bird acts
and the blind Xylophone player.
Suddenly, the nostalgia craze is starting to build.
And Danny finds he can book Lou a little easier.
You may be king
You may possess the world and all of its gold
Oh, but gold won't bring you happiness
When you're growing old
Oh, the world, it's still the same
He's working these nostalgia cruises,
and the audience is eating it up, eating it up.
Suddenly, an over the hill boy singer
is starting to get some attention.
LOU". Stars that shine high above
And I am very, very honored to announce that one of America's
great singing legends, a cherished musical legend
is making pan' of his comeback on the Joe Franklin TV Show.
And, uh, I hope my enthusiasm is generating,
because I love this man. I really...
I mean, if you can love a man, I love Lou Canova.
Lou Canova. Lou.
Thank you, Joe, thank you. You're very kind.
I mean that. Are you, are you sort of, uh...
Well, I've been on the show three, four times,
and it's, it just helps.
I mean, it helps everybody. Uh, you're New York. What can I tell you?
I always had the feeling,
I don't know how I can express this,
that you were never obsessed to be a superstar.
You were never driven to be a superstar.
You didn't, you just let it drift and take its own course, right?
Well, when I had a record out in the '50s, you know, it made...
Made some noise and everything like that.
And you start to get to feel as though, hey,
maybe you wanna be a bigger star, you wanna be this, you wanna be that.
It didn't really bother me.
But now I'm doing cruise ships, I'm doing bigger shows,
everything like such.
I feel great. I mean, it's a good time in life to do it.
SANDY". Okay, now, two days later,
Danny runs into Milton Berle on Broadway.
Milton is doing an NBC special, a nostalgia show.
Plus, he needs a singing act to open for him at Caesar's Palace.
Now, Danny convinces him to come and see Lou on a club date at the Waldorf.
And if Milton likes Lou, he gets the TV shot and Caesar's.
I mean I love Milton.
I mean, he's a beautiful man. What do you want me to say?
This is two years out of our guts.
Don't be so nervous, Lou. You know, you gotta take him out Sunday,
and let him relax a little bit.
He's gonna be all wound up.
I'll open with Volare or You Make Me Feel So Young.
- How are you, darling? - Good.
Is everything okay? How old are you, sweetheart?
- Twelve. - Twelve? Are you married?
No.
Fantastic fettuccini.
Don't forget to do My Funny Valentine
with the special lyrics about the moon landing.
Maybe we ought to put on a press agent for that week, though.
I've been getting your name in the columns pretty good,
and it's not costing us any fee.
It's not like having a steady press agent.
I mean, you know, steady.
- Listen... - You know, you better take him to a movie
or he's gonna be a wreck by show time.
Great idea for a TV show. Mr. Television looks at the stars of the '50s.
Beautiful.
SANDY". That week, Danny devotes to Lou exclusively.
They go over the running order of his act 15 times.
What color shirts to wear, his weight,
you know, he wants Lou to lose some pounds.
I don't know who's more nervous, Lou or Danny.
Meanwhile, his other clients by now are starting to complain
about their own problems.
I couldn't get your service, I had a crisis!
A cat ate one of my birds!
I had to cancel the show, and now Ralph doesn't want to pay.
What are you talking about, he doesn't want to pay?
What do you mean you don't want to pay?
A cat ate his bird! That comes under the act of God clause.
He gets paid if he does his show only. That's all.
Look, it was the lead bird. Remember Pee Wee,
the one who used to peek September Song?
- I couldn't reach you. - Pee Wee's gone?
Ralph, what are you doing?
Pee Wee is now been eaten by a feline.
Remember Pee Wee gave us many a laugh and tear.
- Danny, I don't pay no birds that don't work. - But...
Where were you when I needed a replacement?
- But Pee Wee... - Yeah, where were you, Danny?
All right, I admit it's my fault.
I've been remiss lately.
You know, so, I've been very busy with another client.
After Sunday night, my hand to God, you have me,
I'll be yours exclusively.
I know how you feel, Pee Wee... Pee Wee was the son he never had.
So it's, you know...
Uh, I promise, after Sunday night, really, I'm with you.
It's the emmes.
One, two. One, two.
Tomorrow night, I want you to open with
You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.
And then go into My Bambina.
And after that, do great crooners from the past
who are now deceased, okay?
And then Agita, if you want.
Danny, would you do me a favor tomorrow night?
Whatever. You name it, you got it.
I want you to bring Tina.
- Who's Tina? - Come on, I told you about Tina.
I mean, I'm really crazy about her.
I thought I talked you out of that.
It's no use. I'm like a little kid.
I'm still sending her a white rose every day.
What're you doing? You're nuts.
Don't we have enough on our minds? What are you doing?
She's been lucky for me from the first day I met her.
I mean, good things started happening.
Yeah, but Teresa's gonna be there.
For God's sake, you're gonna get in a lot of trouble.
That's why you gotta bring her.
You be the beard.
What are you talking about, I should be the beard?
- I don't want to be a beard. - Hey, come on.
I'm telling you, I'll do a great job if she's there.
Without her, I'm gonna be lost.
Since when? Lou, this is business.
Why are you making such a big deal of this thing?
- I'm not making a big deal. - I mean, Terry goes home
right after the show, then I'll take her off your hands.
But when there's any people around, she's with you.
No, it's not nice.
You know, you're going to wind up in alimony jail.
- I can't function without her. I'm lost. - Since when?
Since when? Who is this woman?
Why does she have such a hold on you?
I don't know what it is about this woman.
- Jeez. - I love her.
Maybe it's a whole mother thing.
A whole mother thing? Your mother's alive. Let me take her.
She gives me confidence. I love her.
What do you want me to say? I'm scared enough as it is.
Jesus, Lou, is this more serious than I thought?
You don't listen to me when I talk.
I haven't had a night's sleep trying to figure out what to do with my life, okay?
So, all of a sudden I gotta be the beard?
I want her there. I gotta know she's there,
and I gotta know she loves me.
I can only say as your friend and your manager,
you know, you're a sick individual.
But, if that's what you want, you know, all right, we'll do it.
Tina? You're Tina? Danny Rose.
Had no trouble getting here at all.
None at all. Are you ready?
'Cause, you know, I'm double-parked downstairs.
Listen, Lou, you can drop dead.
That's what you've been saying for months.
Yeah, well, I don't buy it, and I'm damned sick and tired of all your stories!
Don't tell me that, Lou.
Being married's one thing, but two-timing's something else!
Yes, yeah, well, that's just a bunch of garbage,
because I don't buy it. And you'd better watch yourself!
I don't care how important it is!
It's too damned bad if you're upset.
The way you treat me, you're lucky I don't stick an ice pick
in your goddamn chest!
Like hell, I'll be there! You know what you can do!
Goddamn phony!
Lou tells me you're an interior decorator.
I don't want to hear Lou's name.
I don't want a runaround. I don't want any crap.
God damn it!
Uh, uh, darling, sweetheart, darling,
may I interject one notion at this juncture?
Sweetheart, how old are you?
None of your goddamn business!
No, no, I'm serious, darling. Look, look, you're upset.
What, what sign are you? Gemini? Are you Gemini?
Shut up! Will you just shut up?
May I make one statement?
Can I just say one thing, sweetheart?
My father, may he rest in peace, the man would say,
maturity, that's... A little tolerance, a willingness to give.
That's all. That's all. Look, this is a big night for Lou.
Don't ruin it for him.
I don't want to talk to that creep.
What happened? I don't understand.
Go to hell!
Sweetheart, may I make one statement here?
And I don't mean to be didactic, nor facetious in any manner.
What the hell are you talking about?
But, the man's crazy about you. He's nuts for you.
- Why don't you... - Yeah, I got friends who told me
he was out last night with a cheap blonde.
A cheap blonde? Lou? A cheap blonde?
It doesn't... Would he fall for a cheap blonde?
Uh, you know, the man has class.
- He's got... - Yeah? I thought so, too.
Yes, of course. Sweetheart, I promise you,
he's cheating with you. He's got integrity.
He cheats with one person at a time, only.
That's his style. He's...
Yeah. My friends told me he was at the track last night
with his arm around a cheap blonde.
But, you know, because they bother him 'cause he's cute,
you know, so they try and grab. So, he pushes them away.
So maybe when he pushes them away, his arm goes around...
Aw, knock it off. You think I buy that?
You know, uh, his wife is a blonde.
His wife, she's not cheap. A lovely woman. Educated.
She's a cocktail waitress, you know what I mean?
And, and they don't all hustle.
They don't. No matter what you say, they're not hustlers.
- What the hell do you want? - Look, please don't upset him.
Yeah? Yeah, well, I'm not coming, you got that?
- No, no, no, I want to speak to him. - Drop dead.
Hello? Lou? Lou? Yes. Lou? It's me.
I got here okay, Lou.
The directions were good. They were good. It was a Gulf station.
Lou, she seems to be a little upset.
Mmm-hmm.
Tina! Tina! Hey, Tina.
Will you get lost?
- Where're you going? - I got other things on my mind
- besides two-timers. - Wait. No, the man adores you.
The man is crazy about you.
You're the one that he wants ringside.
What the hell you come to get me so early for?
I come every place early. I don't want to cut it close.
You're hours early.
Yeah, I know, 'cause tonight's a big night.
Milton is coming tonight.
Remember when you were a little girl? Milton, Tuesday nights?
He'd come out in a woman's dress. Remember? Look, he's an immortal.
If I'm so important to him, why does he two-time me?
No. No. You got it wrong.
You got it wrong, sweetheart. Women, women annoy him.
He sings and they mentally undress him.
I see an adventure.
Yes, a trip.
A man in a gray suit, who owns a dog, will come to see you.
- Ah, see, that's Tommy. Yeah. - Tommy?
- When is he coming? - Soon. Very soon.
When you least expect it, he'll be at your house.
- What are you doing here? - Shh. Shh.
At least call Lou. Call Lou.
No, will you just get out of here?
The man is nervous. Yeah, I know he doesn't seem so, but he is.
- Can I get ahead? - Oh, she wants to get ahead.
- She wants... - Well, you know, I've been waiting.
My nephew's ill.
- Oh, he's ill? - Yeah, yeah, and he has a lump on his neck.
A lump on his neck? Aw, that's terrible.
God bless you, sweetheart. God bless you.
- How old are you, darling? - 78.
You're 78 years old? That's wonderful.
- What are your hobbies? - Fish.
- Fish? Tropical fish? - Tropical fish.
That's incredible. My uncle, Menachem,
may he rest in peace, the man, a wonderful man,
raised hamsters. You know what I mean?
Hamsters. And I personally found them disgusting.
But, uh, the man adored them like you
probably feel about your, you know, whatever, your guppies.
You know, these are wonderful people.
And they're of your persuasion.
- And Lou is of your persuasion. - Lou's a liar.
No. He loves you like a mother.
- Excuse me. - All that crap about his bad marriage.
- Then he lies. - But the man loves her like a mother.
He adores her. Worships the ground she walks on.
Angelina, I have a lover, but I think he's unfaithful.
Excuse me, Angelina, might I interject one concept at this point?
He is unfaithful.
And yet he cares for you.
Ah! See, he cares for you. He cares for...
God bless you, God bless you.
- Don't go to him. - I won't.
- Wait a minute. Time out. - See friends.
Resolve all situations,
even if it means traveling long distances.
- But be careful. - Hey, where you going? Wait. Tina!
Lou, we're into a definite type of situation here.
No, Lou... Definitely, Lou.
Lou, definitely.
We're into a complete type of situation.
I'm telling you, it's a complete, definite type of situation.
Why is she so mad at me?
What... What did I do?
Won't she even speak to me?
I need a drink.
Lou. Lou. Lou, don't get the jitters,
because it you get nervous, your whole performance goes right into the toilet.
You start drinking... Lou.
Lou, I'll get her there, I promise.
I... Just let me work out the logistics.
Tina! Tina! Tina!
And now, it's the big day,
and things are starting to go wrong.
Lou is boozing a little bit.
Yeah, I remember him with the Cutty Sark.
Uh-huh. Okay.
- Now, she splits. She splits. Yeah. - The girlfriend?
And Danny follows.
She drives and she drives way the hell out somewhere.
Danny's right on her heels, but you know how Danny drives.
All right. So she winds up, an hour later,
God knows where.
She's taking Angelina, the fortuneteller's advice.
She's winding up some business with old friends.
- Hi, Tina. We didn't think you were coming. - Hi, guys.
- Oh, you look really nice. - You look handsome.
Yeah, well, I had a change in plans.
Thank you. Take care.
Okay, the party can begin.
- Can we help you, sir? - Oh, yeah. I'm with Tina.
I'm a friend of Tina's. Yeah. God bless you, fellas.
Stay where you are. You're doing an aces job.
I'll check back with you on my way out.
- I'll leave something nice for you. - All right.
- Who are you? - Oh, I'm here with Tina.
Oh, I'm her uncle, Rocco.
Oh. Look, it's Danny Rose.
- Yeah. What do you do? - Theatrical management.
What are you looking for?
Well, I'm just looking for Tina. I lost her.
Relax. You gotta be around her every second?
No. Well, what do you do, Rocco?
- Uh, cement. - Cement?
I own a fleet of cement mixers.
Oh, no kidding? Well, isn't that a very big organized...
Cement. That's fantastic, cement.
Because, cement, you always, you always need cement.
That's what's great about cement.
It's not like tape recorders, which is a luxury item.
- Annie, Annie. - Cement you use...
This is Tina's new boyfriend.
Oh, hello. How long you been going out with my niece?
Oh, no, we don't go out. We're just friends.
We're just friends, that's all.
- Yeah, well, I know. - Vinnie! Vinnie!
Danny's in show business.
- I'm just a friend. - He's a manager.
Oh, yeah? You know Jackie Whalen?
Oh, yeah. He's a comedian. He's very funny.
I don't think he's funny. I think he's dirty.
Oh, yeah, well, today everything is, you know,
with the pornography, am I right? All the four-letter words.
- You know, it's all filthy. - You know, I saw this guy in Atlantic City.
- He bad a cigar box. - Yeah. Uh-huh.
He cuts a hole in it and he goes backstage,
he opens up his fly and he sticks his thing in it.
Then he goes outside, down to ringside, to some old lady's table,
opens up the box. I mean, that's humor?
Well, you know, they call me old fashioned, but...
But, if it's old fashioned to like Mr. Danny Kaye,
Mr. Bob Hope, Mr. Milton Berle, you know, then,
all right, then, I'm old fashioned. You know what I'm saying?
Tina, can't we discuss it?
No, we discussed it 100 times.
Then why did you come here today?
I don't know. I don't know.
I guess I shouldn't have.
Tina, I love you.
No. No, it's over.
If I thought that, I'd kill myself.
Johnny, don't talk like that.
And you know I'd do it, too.
You know, you're too emotional. That's your problem.
I wrote you a poem.
Oh, Jesus. I shouldn't have come. I'm too mixed up myself.
It's about our month in Sicily.
Can't you forget it?
"We strolled on cliffs of stone
"like Greeks of ancient times
"Your hair blew this way and that
"Mixed with bits of sand
"Our eyes met and then looked out toward the sea
"The blue Aegean"
Uh, Tina?
"We laughed and ran and whispered"
I know what you're thinking. Pushy, right?
- Pushy? - I'm reading a poem.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I came to get you because it's so important...
"The sun caressed your skin so fair, so gleaming white"
- I want you to come with me. - Who are you?
Danny Rose, theatrical management.
Might I just get five minutes with the young lady alone, please?
Now, listen, Danny, you know I'm dying to come to the Waldorf,
but it's just that I've been hurt, that's all.
So, this is who's been sending the single rose every day.
Danny Rose.
How do you know about the white roses?
I know. Believe me, I know more about you than you think I know.
Might I interject something here?
You know because you spy on me!
- Might I interject... - It's not spying
when you care about someone.
How they live. What's happening to them.
Yeah, you check my mailbox in my apartment
when I'm not there. Admit it!
So, you prefer him with his white roses to me
and all we were to each other?
I prefer someone that has respect for me and doesn't spy!
Are you going with him?
Tina, will you... Can I get one... Tina!
What are you doing with money?
What are you, a big shot, tearing up your money?
It's only paper.
I been tearing up money since my first Holy Communion.
See this? $10, I don't care.
Here. What does it mean?
Twenty. Twenty. Here. I don't care.
Twenty? Twenty? A 20, 40, $60.
What does it mean, you know? It means nothing.
Why don't you stop him?
It's fascinating, that's all it is.
Yeah, I want to see Lou, but he treats me lousy.
You know, Lou's crazy about you, I'm telling you.
You know, tonight's a big shot for him, really!
You know, with all due respect to Lou, he's not a kid.
He's trying to make a comeback.
When, when he sings That's Amore,
that for me is the end.
Isn't it unbelievable, what he does with that song?
Oh, isn't that fantastic?
Let, me... May I hit you with one...
I'm gonna hit you with one word now.
I'm gonna say just one word that... Sorrento.
Okay? Yeah. Sorrento. Am I lying?
Oh, yeah. I like it when he takes the microphone off the stand,
and he walks around a little bit and sort of...
Sort of throws the microphone from hand to hand.
That's my gesture. That's my touch. I gave him that.
No. No. I saw him years ago.
He took the microphone off the stand.
Right. But he didn't throw it from hand to hand.
- Oh. - I gave him that touch.
I used to do that when I was a nightclub act.
So, you taught him to throw the microphone from hand to hand.
Yeah, I taught him everything he knows.
I gave him his gestures. I handle his budget.
I pick his clothes, his songs...
And you manage his love life?
Well, you know, look, you know, my father, may he rest in peace, said,
"In business, friendly but not familiar."
But what am I gonna do? This is personal management,
I mean. You know, the key word is personal.
So, you know, I gotta get involved.
Like Herbie Jayson, my bird act.
The cat ate the lead bird.
So, I gotta leap right into the breach, you know.
Or my Puerto Rican ventriloquist.
The kid's a wonder. He's got everything you need to make it big,
but he's a dope addict.
So I... You know, I gotta get in there and help.
What can I say?
You know, it's funny, now that I see you,
I'm the wrong guy to be the beard, because who'd believe
that such a beautiful girl would date me?
- Come on. - No. I'm telling the truth.
It's the emmes. My hand to God.
- I'm not beautiful. - No, sweetheart, I'm telling you.
And I see a lot of singers and actresses. You are.
Well, you're not so terrible.
Yeah. I know one thing, honey.
I'm never going to be Cary Grant. I don't care what anybody says.
Can I... Can I get a sip of that?
All right, can I tell you a secret?
And I'm... I'm not just trying to make you feel good or anything.
- Yeah? - Handsome men never did anything for me.
- No? - You know what turns me on?
- No. - Intellectual.
- Really? - And I'm not just saying this
to make you feel good, or anything. You're a smooth talker.
- Yeah? - Angelina once even predicted
I would marry a Jew.
Did she happen to say which Jew?
No. A Jew or someone musical.
- Yeah. - Isn't that interesting?
Yeah. Well, listen, sweetheart, now that we're talking
about something musical, could you go call Lou?
Really. 'Cause the guy needs you.
Go, give him a call, 'cause it's late and we'll get right out of here.
Please. Please, darling.
No, Lou. No, it's not that I hate you.
It's just that, you know, you get me angry sometimes.
Yeah. I'm... I'm gonna... I was always going to be there. I'll be there.
Will you listen to me? I'm coming, okay?
It's just that, sometimes, you get me crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God! Look!
It's him.
She betrayed me with him. Danny Rose!
Johnny! Hey!
Oh, my God. He drank iodine!
He seduced her away from me.
Were you seeing Tina while she was going with Johnny?
No. Why would... Would I do something like that? Would I? No.
Then who sent the white roses? One every day.
Johnny! Johnny, what happened?
What happened? Tell mommy. My son is sensitive.
He's a poet.
He's fantastic. How old are you, Johnny?
He's 40.
That's really unbelievable. What, are you an Aries?
Just, just tell me. Are you an Aries?
Johnny's been made a fool out of.
- NO. I, I... - NOW!
Now, they force him to wear the horns.
We were engaged until he put a spell on her.
I would... You know. This man's a beautiful man.
He is a fantastic individual. I, you know...
Vendetta! Vendetta!
Boy, that guy, Johnny, must have really been crazy about you.
Ah, you know, I, uh... I just... I like to flirt, you know.
Sometimes people take it too seriously. Johnny's all right.
He was really nice to me when my marriage fell apart.
Yes, and what did your husband do?
Oh, a little book-making, some loan sharking, extortion, like that.
So, he's a professional man. What did you do, you divorced him,
or you got a separation or what?
Ah, some guys shot him in the eyes.
- Really? Is he blind? - Dead.
He's dead, of course, 'cause the bullets go right through.
Oh, my God, you poor thing. Were you... Were you... You must have been in shock.
- Ah, he had it coming. - Oh, I see, it was one of those.
- A close marriage. - It was exciting for a while, though.
You never knew what was gonna happen next.
Well, that kind of excitement I can live without.
He was really, uh... He was tough, good-looking.
Yeah? And what'd he tell you he did when you married him?
A juice man for the mob.
He made juice for the mob?
Juice man. No, he collected for the loan sharks.
SANDY". Okay, so now Danny is driving along with Tina.
They're talking.
What they don't know is two minutes after they left the party,
there was this little scene with Johnny Rispoli's brothers, Joe and Vito,
who are both hit men for the mob.
Their mother is outraged and humiliated over what's been going on with Danny Rose,
who they call, "Danny White Roses."
Don't worry, Mama. You just leave him to us.
Your brother is soft. He's sensitive.
Yeah, her husband had no respect for us either.
Carmine Vitale, he was no damn good.
He cheated us. And she's no better.
She said one thing to my face and she betrayed me.
It's the loven He's got her under his spell, Johnny.
- We'll fix him. - We'll chop his legs off.
No. We'll kill him. I don't trust him.
But not Tina. Please, not Tina.
Get rid of the lover. Get rid of the lover and you get her back.
He's got the evil eye.
Mama, he's a dead man.
I'll just have an iced coffee.
Yeah, I'm gonna have a glass of milk, please.
A large glass of milk, sweetheart.
I got an ulcer. I can't help it. I shouldn't have drank at the party.
You know, that's my mistake.
My ex-husband had an ulcer.
They say it's stress, you know.
It's an entire mental syndrome.
Yep. Carmine was always afraid they were gonna shoot him in the back.
He was wrong, so...
So, who else do you handle besides Lou?
Me? I, you know... I got... I got, oh...
I got various interesting artists.
I got a very wonderful blind Xylophone player, you know...
That's uh... I got... Currently working with a parrot
that sings I've Gotta Be Me.
And, uh... I got some very nice balloon folders, you know?
- It's interesting. - No big shots, right?
I don't know. I've discovered certain artists that have gone on to, uh... To better things.
Yeah, but they all leave you, right? How come?
I got a theory about that, you know. Thank you.
I think what happens is they get a swell head.
You know what I mean? And they... People like to forget their beginnings,
you know, and they... They just split.
Yeah, believe me, you must be doing something wrong if everybody leaves you.
How'? What am I doing wrong? I, you know... I find 'em, I discover 'em,
I breathe life into 'em, and then they... They go, you know.
And then, no guilt. I mean, they don't feel guilty or anything.
- They just split. - Guilty? What the hell is that?
You know, they... They see something better and they grab it.
Who's got time for guilt?
What are you talking about? Guilt is important. It's important to feel guilty.
Otherwise, you know, you're capable of terrible things.
You know. It's very important to be guilty. I'm guilty all the time
and I never did anything, you know?
My rabbi, Rabbi Perlstein, used to say we're all guilty in the eyes of God.
- You believe in God? - No, no. But, uh, I'm guilty over it.
Yeah, I never feel guilty. I just think you gotta do what you gotta do, you know?
Life is short. You don't get any medals for being a boy scout.
Well, do me a favor, darling. Don't give this information to, uh...
To, uh, Lou, because, uh, you know, I got enough problems.
Danny, don't move.
- What's the matter? - Let's just get up slowly and get out of here.
Out the back door.
What? I don't understand. What... What's out there?
Johnny's brothers.
Johnny, you mean the guy with the iodine?
They're crazy. That whole family.
Well, why, because they think I'm your lover?
They'll tear the tongue right out of your head.
What are you talking about? I'm just a beard.
They'll tear the tongue out of the beard?
Come on, throw some money down. Let's get out of here.
What do you mean? I only got 10 bucks.
- Leave it. - But, leave it?
- The tip's a dollar and... - Leave it. Come on, will ya?
- The check is a dollar and a half. - Hurry up.
We're gonna leave an eight and a half dollar tip.
There ought to be a delivery entrance out here somewhere.
That's eight and a half bucks. For that kind of dough
I could get the waitress to sleep with me.
Oh, God, where's the... There it is!
Oh, don't, don't get up, fellas. Just keep turning out the junk food.
- Come on, this way! - You know, I don't like this.
Darling, darling, may I interject one statement?
I don't like what's going on. I would...
Oh, Christ! Better go down there.
Hey, I'm not going down there. What the hell did you get me into?
Danny, do what I'm telling you. You'll wind up on a meat hook.
A meat hook? A meat hook? Okay, I'll go first.
- I'm angry, Tina. - Come on.
- I'm telling ya, I'm angry. - Hurry up and get down.
I'm, I'm really fuming. Just... Oh!
Just feel free to dig your heel into my groin like that.
- Come on. - Just... Oh! Oh!
- Danny and Tina, they run. - That's the worst thing they can do, though.
- What's he gonna do? - What else is he gonna do?
He has no choice.
Now, he is not only scared. The man is pissed off.
Well, sure, because he didn't do anything.
He didn't do anything. You got it. Wait, wait, wait.
Cut to a half hour later. All right. It's a half hour later.
Now, they're lost. They're lost. And he's furious.
He's getting on her nerves. She's getting on his nerves.
What else?
Aw. Jesus, where the hell are we?
- We're in the middle. Look out! - All right. Take it easy.
And don't tell me to take it easy, sweetheart,
because I've had enough already today.
You know, I'm a personal manager. I got a big night ahead of me.
Meanwhile, I'm wandering around here in North Vietnam.
We got away, didn't we?
What do you mean, we got away?
I got nothing to get away from, I didn't do anything.
Jeez, I'm running all of a sudden with... With fortune tellers
- and meat hooks and... - I'll take care of it when we hit a phone.
Where? A phone? We're in a swamp, darling.
Where... Where is there gonna be a phone here?
She shacks up with Lou and they want to break my legs.
Listen, I don't have to go tonight.
Well, that's fine with me. Then don't, because I'm too scared already anyhow.
Lou, honey, I wish you wouldn't drink like that.
You've got an important show tonight. Come on.
Cold sore. I got a cold sore tonight.
I mean, look at this thing over here.
- Oh, it's nothing. Come on. - Yeah, it's gotta be tonight.
It's gotta be tonight, believe you me.
And those Vegas people, TV people, they notice everything.
They're pros. They got it down to a science.
- Turn on the ball game. - "Turn on the ball game."
I can't even decide whether to go with Boulevard of Broken Dreams
or Three Coins in the Fountain as an encore.
I don't know what to... The kids are driving me nuts over here.
Ooh! Give me a break over here.
I wonder where Danny is. I'm waiting for his call.
I got a million questions for him. I don't know what happened.
Where is Danny?
Went to pick up his date in Jersey.
I guess they probably got tied up in traffic. What do I know?
Who is his date?
How do I know? Some broad.
Jesus, we're in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, God, I never saw so many reeds in my life.
I feel like Moses.
Poor Lou's probably worried sick.
Darling, Lou is probably drinking out of
the promotional size whiskey bottle by now.
Hey, wait a minute. I know where we are.
These are the flatlands.
My husband's friends used to dump bodies here.
Great. I'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest.
Hey, who are you?
Who are you?
We're lost.
We're shooting a commercial down by the river.
Fantastic! Unbelievable!
What a break! I'm Danny Rose, theatrical management.
- Hey, how you doing. - God bless you. This is Tina... Tina...
- Vitale. - All right. Vitale.
Hi, I'm Ray Webb, the actor. How you doin', baby?
Listen, listen, we got to get a car. Is it possible? Very important.
We... There are no cars out here till tonight.
No, but we need one now 'cause it's an emergency.
I, you know... I'm a theatrical manager, so I gotta see
Berle at the Waldorf later. Milton Berle.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You know what your best bet is?
There's a guy there with a boat.
Give him a couple of bucks, he'll take you across.
- No. No, no, I... - Oh, great. Great.
I don't travel by water. It's against my religion.
I'm a landlocked Hebrew. I don't go by water.
Hey, Tina, you ever seen me on television?
I play the shaving cream man from outer space.
Want to feel my cheeks, huh?
Come on, Danny. We've gotta take this boat. Lou's waitin'. Come on.
Hey, five minutes to cross the Hudson. It's nothing.
You want me to go on the Hudson River? That's crazy.
How did you two people get out here without a car?
Yeah, what about that, you know?
I've been through thick and thin with that car.
Now I gotta leave it at the diner overnight?
You'll be able to pick it up tomorrow. It'll be fine.
Well, if anything happens to that car, I'll be furious, Tina.
I will be furious.
Okay. Now, they're gonna go back to Manhattan by boat.
A boat, mind you. Can you picture Danny Rose on a boat?
I mean, this guy is strictly pavement.
He needs the smell of carbon monoxide and litter to feel good.
Danny is not meant for water.
So naturally, the minute he steps on the boat, he's gone.
A lunch he ate in 1956 is beginning to come up on him.
He's green, he's dizzy. Tina's fine.
She's made of steel. I'll tell you what's going through her mind.
She's thinking of a conversation
that she and Lou had a week before.
- Hey, hey! All right. - Hey, Lou.
Listen, Lou. I don't want you to break up with your wife because of me.
I don't...
Tina, it's not you. I mean, this has been on my mind.
Yeah, but you know, I'd feel like a home wrecker.
- Look, I'm telling you, baby... - That's what I feel like.
What I gotta do is I gotta change my whole lifestyle.
If you ask me, the thing you gotta change is your management.
- That's what you gotta change. - Hey, listen, Danny's all right.
I mean, so he's no world beater or something like that.
I mean he's all right, you know?
Okay. I don't know anything about show business,
and I got nothing against the guy, 'cause I don't even know him.
But I see the joints you work, you know, and the way things are going.
You're better than all these new guys.
You're prejudiced 'cause you like me.
Yeah, sure I am.
Listen, Danny'd be lost without me.
I'm telling you, he's counting on me.
Yeah, okay. You know what you're doing.
Why don't you let me introduce you to Sid Bacharach?
How do you know Sid Bacharach?
Why would he give me five minutes of his time?
Because he was very good friends with my husband.
They were both very tight in Atlantic City.
- Sid Bacharach, huh? - Yeah. He's a big guy, right?
Big gun, big gun, no two ways about it.
Okay. Now they're in the middle of the Hudson River.
The fog has come in.
Danny's face is what color should I say, it's khaki.
The man has a khaki face.
And so, what are you saying?
Tina wanted Lou to leave Danny and go with Sid Bacharach?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
See, three days earlier, Tina had set up a secret lunch meeting
at some steak joint in Manhattan.
Well, guys, we finally made it.
Lou Canova, Sid Bacharach. Sid, this is Lou.
A pleasure, Mr. Bacharach. Truly a pleasure.
Now, I've only heard wonderful things about you from my girl Tina.
She says that all the time.
No. You remember Lou from the '50s. He's got it.
- I remember Tossin' and Turnin'. - You do? Really?
That thing on Perfidia, too, you know.
Yes. Now I understand you already have representation.
Yeah, I do.
He's loyal to a guy who means well, but he can't seem to move him.
Hey. Well, you know, Lou, I know all about those things,
and, you know, sometimes it just doesn't work out, and he can't help you.
It's my career. I mean, it's my life. I gotta do what's right for it.
I really want to catch your act.
I know that this whole nostalgia thing is really coming on strong.
Oh, yeah. You... He's hot now.
Well, I'm gonna be at the Waldorf on the 25th.
25th. Be great if you could come, Sid. Right?
Sunday night. Sunday night.
Really, you know. He's ready.
All he needs is somebody with a little clout to open some doors.
- I'll do my best to make it on Sunday night. - Hey, that'll be great.
- I really will. - You're great.
Listen, I'll get you in the back. I'll...
- You won't regret it. - No problem. Okay. Okay?
Okay.
SANDY". Okay. So Tina's thinking about all this stuff
while they're sailing back across the Hudson.
Meanwhile, the two crazy brothers are in New York,
lookin' to kill Danny.
I don't get it. Wasn't Tina gonna make a phone call and have 'em called off?
SANDY". She did. The minute they got ashore. But it didn't work.
So what's happening?
You're gonna have to lay low for a while.
What do you mean?
You got any friends out of town?
Out of town? Like where? What are you, nuts?
Then you better check into a hotel.
What do you mean, "Check into a hotel?"
You said you were going to settle this with one phone call.
It will be, but it's gonna take a few days.
Meanwhile, they're looking for you.
Darling, may... Can I say one thing right now?
- I'm going to the police. - No. No, that's a mistake. No.
- You gotta lay low. - What are you talking about, lay low?
I didn't do anything.
My whole life I never got involved in any trouble.
I eat the right foods. Now I gotta lay low?
Jesus! You said one phone call.
Yeah, I know. It's gonna be taken care of.
I got someone onto it. My advice is to check into a hotel.
I'm... Why? I've got an apartment. Why do I need a hotel?
No, you can't go back there for a few days.
I'm gonna spend for a hotel while I'm carrying an apartment? Are you nuts?
Yeah, all right. It's just... It's a mix-up.
Just don't go home, that's all.
What? I've got to go home. You know, you're bad news, honey.
I knew that when you... I came in, you were starting
with the ice pick on Lou.
Nice girls don't screw around with ice picks.
- They got ribbons and stuff. - Just don't go home.
But, what's... I gotta go home.
I gotta get my pills and my shorts and Lou, the poor guy,
he's probably a wreck.
I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. I mean, I'm okay.
I'm gonna be all right. Now where you been?
I'm goin' crazy. I mean, where's Tina?
Lou, Lou, would you... Lou, take some black coffee and get over to the Waldorf.
She's here. Lou... Would you speak to him, 'cause he's lost.
- He's gone already. - Lou? Lou, I'll be there, honey.
Yeah. Just do what Danny says. We'll meet you at the place.
Be nice to him.
Of course, I miss you. But will you lay off the sauce? All right.
He's drunk. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I knew this was gonna happen.
And where are my pills? I need a Valium the size of a hockey puck.
- It's the only thing that works for me. - Who is this? Who is this here?
What do you mean, who's that? That's Frank.
That's Frank... That's Frank, Tony Bennett and me. This was a big night.
See me up there. A little tiny smudge right there with the...
- Oh, yeah. - That's my head.
Over there. And there I am with Miss Judy Garland.
Never a dearer woman existed and, my hand to God...
Where are you?
Well, I'm, you know, I'm right outside the frame.
If the picture went on another inch, I would be... I was back on the...
Behind the dais and everything.
And then here's Mr. Myron Cohen and...
Jesus, where is my bottle of pills?
How long have you had this joint?
What do you mean, "joint"? This is rent controlled.
This is fine.
You ought to fix it up. You're livin' like a loser.
Well, what am I gonna... You know, nobody ever comes over here.
I live alone, so what do I care?
- Nobody comes over? - No.
You ever been married?
No. I was engaged once to a dancer, you know,
but she ran away with the piano player
and I broke off with her.
- You know what I'd do with this room? - What?
Liven it up. Do it all in something up, you know, pink, maybe.
- Pink? - Yeah, you know,
you got to lighten it up. Pink, with maybe some gold wallpaper and then...
You need fabric, you know?
Big... Like big purple pillows or something.
- Maybe some incense. - What is this? A Turkish whorehouse?
I live here, darling. What do you think for...
No, I'm serious. You gotta lighten it up.
Maybe some bamboo furniture. Bamboo.
I always wanted to do a room in bamboo with, like, zebra skins.
- Really? Are you serious? - Why not? It's exciting.
Yeah, you mean, like... What you're talkin' about is like a tropical motif
- or something, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well, you know, it's funny, 'cause, actually, I like bamboo.
Really? Picture like hanging plants maybe and a really nice tile floor.
I can see it. Bamboo furniture.
It's very beautiful and very dramatic.
You know, you got an eye for drama.
Really? You really think so?
I do, yeah. You sound surprised.
Well, you know, I'd... Nobody ever liked my African jungle idea before.
- It's great. - I'd always had this as a dream.
You're the first person who ever liked it.
Well, sure. You know, I'm willing to bet that you're full of good ideas,
but you know what you lack? You lack confidence. You don't have any confidence.
I know. It's my big problem as a decorator.
- I got no confidence. - Sure, it's like the acts I handle.
You know, if I was handling you, I could straighten you out in no time at all.
You know, I do, 'cause I don't see you, honey, just decorating little joints,
you know what I mean? And little apartments in the suburbs.
I see you, you know, doing your gold walls and your Turkish pillows,
and then, you know, all that garbage in hotels and embassies and stuff.
- Really? - Yeah, naturally.
No, you could. I can smell it.
No, I don't think so. No, no. The boat sailed for me.
I should've been more serious when I was younger.
What are you talking about, younger?
You got your whole life ahead of you.
No. You know the trouble is, I look at my work and I think it's ugly.
Well, you know, my Uncle Morris, the famous diabetic from Brooklyn
used to say, "if you hate yourself, then you hate your work."
I sleep at night. It's you that's got the ulcer.
Yeah, I got an ulcer, but you know, it may be a good thing there.
You know what my philosophy of life is?
That it's important to have some laughs. No question about it.
But you got to suffer a little, too.
Because, otherwise, you miss the whole point of life.
- And that's how I feel. - You know what my philosophy of life is?
Oh, I can imagine.
It's over quick, so have a good time.
You see what you want, go for it.
Don't pay any attention to anybody else.
And do it to the other guy first,
'cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.
This is a philosophy of life?
This sounds like the screenplay to Murder, Incorporated.
Here, hold this for a second. That's ridiculous.
No wonder you don't like yourself.
Now, what... Stop saying that. I like myself fine.
Well, you know, I'm just saying down deep, I sense that you don't.
You're the one that's living like a loser.
Why? 'Cause I haven't made it? You see, that's the beauty of this business.
That's the beauty of it. Overnight, you can go from a bum to a hero.
I think it's gonna happen now with Lou, and then I'm gonna...
We'd better get going. Hurry up.
Well, just let me say one thing.
My uncle Sidney, man, you know, lovely uncle... Dead, completely,
used to say three things. Used to say, "Acceptance, forgiveness and love."
And that is a philosophy of life.
Acceptance, forgiveness and love.
So, there's where it is.
So tell me more about the bamboo room. I love it.
Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna stay one night,
one night, 'cause I don't want to incur expense.
Listen, I'm gonna make a phone call. I got another idea.
- How much is a single room? - Sorry, all filled up.
Tina?
Tina, darling?
Hello, Danny. Come on, Danny. Come here, Danny. Come on.
Come on. Get in the car! Come on, get in the car. Get in the car.
Get in the car. Get in the car.
Get in the car. Get in the car!
Fellas, fellas, may I... Can I...
May I just interject one thing at this particular point in time?
Keep going straight.
I like Johnny. This is what you don't... I like your brother.
I got nothing against him. And I just met him today. He's sweet.
I liked his poem. What's under discussion here is the girl's feelings.
That's what... Incidentally, where is the girl?
Oh, we're gonna take real good care of you, pal.
Wait, I want to say one thing.
And I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any manner.
She doesn't love him. That's it. She doesn't love him anymore.
What can I... You know? I know it's hard to take.
You know, because we all want what we can't have in life.
This is... It's a natural thing.
But, you know, take my cousin Ceil.
Not pretty like Tina at all.
She looks like something in the reptile house in a zoo.
So, you'll like this story, she meets this accountant.
Will you shut up?
Wait, no. You misunderstand me.
- God damn you! - Come on.
- I'm trying to make a point. - Come on, let's go.
You know what, you're just jealous.
Fellas, I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran.
- Come on, you, come on. - Get the ax.
There's an ax? Hey, fellas, I'm the beard. I'm just a beard.
- You don't understand. - He's telling the truth.
- He has nothing to do with this. - Come on.
- Come on, let's go. - Who's he talking to, huh?
You see, you don't believe me.
We're gonna chop your legs off.
Fellas, it's the emmes. I'm only the beard.
My hand to God, I'm just the beard.
Would I waste my time with a guy like this?
Okay, then who?
Look, you want him to walk out of here, you're gonna have to give us a name.
- I'm not talking. - No, you tell us, you punk.
No, you don't want me to rat on a friend, do you?
Let me quote Rabbi Hirschhorn, an extremely learned man,
perhaps not of your persuasion, but...
Who are you bearding for?
No, what the... I'm not the guy. Isn't that enough?
Whatever happens to him, you two are dead men.
Oh, yeah? Come on, tell us.
Who you bearding for, you little cheese eater?
Cheese, he said... Cheese, I don't know exactly what it means,
but I know it's not good.
Who you bearding for?
I'll put a bullet right between her eyes.
Wait, wait. Don't do that. I'll talk.
Danny, don't. They'll kill him.
I don't want to get my legs chopped off 'cause I do a guy a favor.
Come on, let's go. Who is it?
All right. You wanna know who it is?
Should I tell you who it is? Should I say...
- it's Barney Dunn. - Who is Barney Dunn?
- Come on, who is it? - Danny, you rat.
Listen, I don't owe you anything over this.
Fellas, I swear my life. It's Barney Dunn,
and, Barney, may God forgive me.
- Who? - Barney Dunn.
- I remember Barney Dunn. - You know Barney Dunn. Barney Dunn.
I can't hear you.
Barney Dunn was the world's worst ventriloquist.
If they couldn't get an animal act, they would call Barney Dunn.
Barney would work children's parties.
Five-year-old kids would boo him.
Now, two weeks ago, Danny, who doesn't handle Barney...
I mean, that'll tell you something about Barney's act,
Danny didn't want to handle him.
Danny meets Barney on the street.
Hey. How you doing, Barney?
- Oh, hi, Danny. - Hi, how's it going?
I'm leaving on a cruise tomorrow.
Oh, you kidding. Where for?
Well, I'm working a ship to the Bahamas.
Oh, fantastic. And then back here?
No. And here's the beauty part.
From the Bahamas to Puerto Rico for three weeks.
Oh, fantastic. Who's your friend?
SANDY". So Danny names Barney Dunn.
But can't they check that?
They do check it.
They tie up Danny and Tina and they go to check it.
What am I doing here?
How did I get into this? What... What... Why me?
What did I do to deserve this that I'm here now?
You were really quick on your feet to come up with that name so fast.
Oh, great. That's wonderful.
Let me tell you something, darling. I was traumatized.
My body went into shock when they stuck that gun in you...
All I thought was they're gonna kill us, I'm gonna be dead,
and Milton is coming to the Waldorf soon.
- You know what I'm saying? - Listen, Danny. Listen.
They're gonna be back in a minute. We gotta do something.
I can't move a finger. I'm tied up here like a pig.
Maybe, if we just get out of these ropes.
- I can't. - They just left one guy out there.
There's two of us against him.
Yeah, but let me remind you, he's got an ax.
The man has an ax. So, there's two of us.
There'll be four of us in no time.
Well, maybe we could sneak away.
No, I... You know what I'm thinking, though?
I used to handle...
I used to handle an escape artist named Shandar
who could get out of ropes.
But the problem is you gotta be standing up...
Even then, I'm not sure we could do it.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think it's possible that we could work our way off this table?
I can hardly move.
Wait. Let's... Try with me. Try, I'm serious. Try a little bit.
- Come on, come on. Give it a try. - You're so heavy.
All right, all right. Just try. Just do what I'm telling you.
Come on, come on! It'll happen. Move.
- Move! Okay, you all right? - Yeah.
Come on, try and pull. That's it. See? It's not so tough. Very good.
Start... That's it. Try and slide down. That's it. That's it.
Very good. Slowly, that's it. Slowly.
That's it. Come on, now pull. Come on, hard. That's it, that's it. A little more.
I think we got it. That a girl.
- That's right. Okay. You got it? - Yeah.
Okay. All right. All right, very good.
Now, I'm out of breath.
All right, now, here's what... When Shandar was like this, what he would do
- is he would wriggle. - Wriggle?
Yeah. He would wriggle and what happens
is the ropes gradually start to get some play in them.
They start to get loose.
That's what he... Take my word for it. He would wriggle.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah.
You just... So, you ready? Ready? All right, now,
now, all right, now start to wriggle. That's right. Wriggle.
Yeah, see what I mean? That's it, that's a girl. Thrust, wriggle. That's it.
- That's it. - Hey, I'm wriggling.
Keep wriggling. That's very important.
- Are you wriggling? - I'm wriggling.
That's good. That's good wriggling. Yes.
- I don't want to over-wriggle. - No, no, but it's nice wriggling.
That's it. The ropes are starting to get loose.
Come on. It's happening.
Come on, my hand's getting free.
Keep wriggling. Don't stop now.
- Oh, I got it, I got it. - Yeah?
Yeah, yeah. Hold on. I got it. I got it.
- Yes? Oh, great. - Yeah, yeah.
Now, come on, get this thing off.
Come on, keep wriggling, keep wriggling, darling. Don't...
I told you, that's what Shandar did.
He would wriggle and then he'd get the whole thing to happen.
I saw it a million times.
Hey, hey, hold it!
Let's go. Jesus, where are hell are we? God. What is this?
This looks like some kind of a factory or something.
- It looks like a warehouse. - Yeah. You hear him?
I think he's right behind us. Let's get out of here.
- It's so dark. - All right. Don't panic.
Looks like a lot of parade floats and stuff.
Oh, perfect. There's a guy with a pistol running after us,
we're stuck in the middle of the Macy's Day Parade.
- What the hell's... - Do you see anyone?
No. What's going on here?
- Where the hell are we? - I don't know.
Jesus.
Don't move or I'll blow your goddamned brains out!
Don't shoot. Don't shoot. I'm just a beard, really.
You're making a mistake. He's just a beard.
Don't tell me you're the beard, you goddamn little rat, you!
Run, Tina, run! He's out of bullets! It's our chance.
Tina, it's our chance! He's out of bullets!
All right, all right, I'm coming!
Come on!
Goddamn, you little rat, you're never gonna get out of here! I'll find you!
I don't believe this! He's drunk.
I've got a show in a half hour.
- I got a packed house, Danny! I need it right. - He came in drunk.
Don't panic, don't panic. Let me... I'll deal with him.
Relax, will you? I can talk to him.
Lou, Lou. Is Milton here yet?
Yes. He came with Howard Cosell.
Jesus, all right, relax, everybody. You're going to be...
- This is Lou's wife, Teresa. - Wow.
That's Tina Musante.
- Vitale. - Danny, you gotta do something.
He's got to go on in 20 minutes. I got a full house out there.
- Okay, Lou, Lou. - Something's gotta happen.
Okay, Lou, now say the three S's, Lou.
Lou, please, you gotta pull yourself together.
You're gonna pull yourself together. Listen to me.
- You're gonna do a great show. - Is he gonna be okay?
Danny'll get him sober. He's done it before.
Come on, Lou, just relax. I need two aspirin,
some tomato juice and some Worcestershire sauce.
Two aspirin and tomato juice...
And some goat cheese and some chicken fat.
That's gonna do it?
That's a Danny Rose formula. I still can't figure out how it works.
I promise you're gonna be okay tonight.
My hand to God.
One day, you will hold my cara mia
A child of your own And I pray
Bambina, remember the stories
Your mama, my mama, would say
Keep Italian in your heart
Let it always be a part of you
Never let it fade away Be a part of every day
Let it stay in your heart forever
Put Italian in your heart
Let it always be a part of you
Never let it fade away
Be a part of every day
Let it stay in your heart forever
My bambina
My cara mia
My bambina
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Love you.
This is what you get when you eat too much.
Uno, two!
Agita, my gumba
In the banzone
When I eat, he gets a treat Like a canzone
He enjoys every meal Every bite that I steal
Agita, my gumba in the banzone
Some people like a their pizza
Some people like a suffrite
And others like hot pepper on everything they eat
You hunger with a vuole
To taste some baccalé
Then all at once you think
Will I answer to gumba?
My lovely, lovely woman I hate to see her cry
But when I start to mangia I get the evil eye
My vuole's gettin' stronger
Ah, the hell with my gumba
Lou, you were wonderfully superb.
- And my... Chicago is my favorite. - I know my fans.
- Thanks, honey. - You were terrific, Lou.
You were worried!
You were fabulous.
Thanks for coming. I don't forget my friends.
- Really enjoyed it. - George, you don't miss an act, huh?
How you doing, hon? You holding up all right?
Oh, yeah. I'm... Bill and Diane are gonna give me a lift home.
- I'm so tired. - Are you?
And I have to take care of the sitter, too, you know.
I appreciate it because I gotta do some serious things with Danny.
I gotta talk with Milton, the cigar man, you know, and everything.
I'll be home about two, three hours.
Okay. Danny, make sure he gets home early.
Thanks for coming.
- Lou! - Eddie, all right.
It was good to hear you.
Have I got a story for you.
Lou, when I tell you what this woman and I have been through today...
What... Really, when you find out
what you put me through today... Unbelievable.
Danny, I gotta speak to you,
and I gotta do it now while I'm still a little high.
He'll fall down when I tell him.
Lou, I can't sleep home tonight, okay.
I gotta get this off my chest.
It's only right that Tina be here because she's part of it.
What?
Well, come next week, I feel some changes gotta be made.
Yeah? Like what?
Like, Tina and I, you know, we're crazy about each other,
and I feel I gotta say something to Terry about it.
Well, you know, if that's what you guys decide on,
that's what you want to do, I mean, if you gotta do it, you gotta do it.
I just hope, you know, that you know what you're doing.
Well, we're sure about a lot of things.
Tina and I have been doing a lot of discussing.
I feel for myself that... I gotta make a few changes.
- Like what kind of changes? - Like management.
What do you mean, "management?"
Tina's really close to Sid Bacharach.
You had to notice him there tonight.
He was there to see me.
I don't understand.
What is... You want to change management?
Don't think it's not hard for me to say,
but I gotta do what's right for my career.
What do you mean? Am I hear... I don't know.
I can't believe you're saying this.
Danny, Sid can really move me.
I mean, we've got this special rapport.
How do you know Sid?
Have you been pushing him to leave me?
Hey, leave me out of this.
All I know is he's a big talent and he's playing joints.
Joints? What do you mean? He was lucky he could get to one.
When I met him he was, he was still singing Funiculi, Funicula.
Look, Danny, facts are facts.
What are you talking about, "Facts are facts?" What does that mean?
You know, this kid owes me his life!
Will you leave her out of this? What's done is done.
I don't understand you, Lou. We've been through so much together.
That's your trouble, Danny.
You make everything into a personal situation.
Of course, I make it personal. That's the point.
Well, that's our relationship.
You can't put into a contract what I do with you.
You know, it's... Look, all right...
May I give you one? My uncle Meyer, the man sold apples.
Say something, will you? You know, I'm not verbal at all.
This is business between the two of you.
You gotta do what you gotta do,
and Danny's gotta understand it. He's a big boy.
What are you talking about? What are you telling him?
If anything comes out of this, you know you're gonna be in for a taste.
Danny, where're you going, Danny? Danny!
Danny.
Hey, how you doing, Danny? You hear about Barney Dunn?
Couple of guys done a pretty good job on him, they beat him up pretty badly.
I thought he was on a cruise.
Nah, nah, that was canceled. He's in the hospital now.
It was pretty rough for a while.
It was touch and go.
But it's all right now.
The cops got them. They got the guys that done the job on him.
- Which hospital? - Roosevelt.
How you doing, Barney?
Danny, what are you doing here?
Well, I heard that you got beat up. So...
I still don't know what happened.
Barney, I want you to know if there's anything I can do, anything at all,
you know what I mean? You worried about, you know, hospital bills?
Anything at all, I'll take care of it.
You wanna pay my hospital bills?
Danny, are you sure you're okay?
Really, Barney, anything at all, whatever you need.
I thought this was a funny story. It's terrible.
So, what do you want me to do? It's not my life.
So Lou leaves his wife and kids and he moves in with Tina.
Sid Bacharach's handling him. He's doing all right.
You may be king
You may possess the world and all of its gold
All gold won't bring you happiness
When you're growing old
Oh, the world It's still the same
You okay? You seem a little down.
No, I have a headache.
What are you giving me?
- I ordered a Courvoisier. - Gee, I'm awfully sorry.
- Didn't you order a Jack Daniel's? - Don't tell me what I ordered.
- I ordered a Courvoisier. - You did say Courvoisier.
All right. Let's not make a federal case out of it.
- Honey, what are you doing up? - I can't sleep.
You know, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Yeah, I know. I had a bad dream.
Well, what is this, like a thing or something?
I mean, this is going on every other night.
Why don't you take a pill or something?
Nah, no, I don't like pills.
When I can't sleep, I take one of those Seconals,
- I go out like a baby. - I'm okay. I'm fine.
Listen, I got a great new idea.
When I go to Atlantic City, I'm gonna open...
You know, I'm gonna open up with that
You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.
And I'm gonna go right into that When You're Smiling.
Lou, will you give me a break? It's 4:00 in the morning.
You're not listening to me.
- This is important stuff. - I'm listening.
Angelina, I can't sleep.
I feel jumpy-
I don't know. I'm not myself.
I see bad dreams, deep dreams. Bad conscience.
A little while ago, I met some man.
You know, I... I hardly spent any time with him.
One day. We had an adventure.
Yes. He makes you feel uneasy.
I did... I did him some wrong, you know.
Just some... Some small business matter.
I didn't even know him very well.
But, you know, when I had the chance to...
To say something,
I didn't speak up.
I have a vision of you standing before a large mirror.
I had that dream last week. That was it, exactly my dream.
What is it you're seeking there?
I want to rest easy again. I want to find myself.
I want to wipe out my thoughts and forget this guy.
I can't see clearly. It's unclear. It's all unclear.
I mean, what's the matter with you lately?
I mean, you're always so edgy.
I don't want to go to California, okay?
It gives me the creeps out there.
Honey, it's important you go to California with me.
Well, then you go.
I mean, what is it with you?
I mean, lately, everything's going so nicely.
My comeback's in full swing now, but, oh, you... You weren't happy in Vegas,
you weren't happy in Atlantic City.
You complained all the time. I thought you'd be happy.
I'm moody. You knew I was moody when you met me.
I've had it with the moods. I mean, I gotta go to California, that's it.
Hey, what's the matter?
I don't know.
Lou moves to L.A.
Tina doesn't. It's all over between them.
- Guess who calIs her for a date. - I have no idea.
SANDY". Remember the shaving cream man from outer space?
The guy she met with Danny when they were lost in the reeds?
That's right. Well, now they start going out.
But she's just as moody with him.
- Naturally. - They fight. They argue.
Then one morning, Thanksgiving morning,
the two of them are on Central Park West.
There's the parade.
- Now what's wrong? - I don't know.
Jesus, Tina, what's wrong with you?
Look, we, maybe, maybe we should have a little heart-to-heart.
Everything makes you cry. Maybe you should see a doctor.
- I don't know what to do with you. - Excuse me.
Baby! Tina, what are you trying to pull here?
I got... I gotta see Angelina right away.
- I'm sorry, Angelina's not here. - She's not?
Well, what time's she coming back? I need her advice.
Well, Angelina's having Thanksgiving with her grandchildren,
- and she won't be here until Monday. - This is important.
Well, I can't help it if it's important.
She won't be here until Monday. Please come Monday.
You know, this is great.
Hey, look... Hey.
Okay, I got the frozen turkeys.
All right, here you go. Here you go. Give me a little hand there.
God love you. Here's your frozen turkey.
Believe me, the frozen is just as good as the real.
- You got it? - Uh-huh.
Yeah? Yeah, and the frozens are much cheaper
than the real ones, you know.
- Can I help, please? - No, no, no, no.
It really smells terrific.
Yeah, just dig in. Dig in. Don't... Don't hesitate.
- Okay, yeah, that's terrific. - This is really great, you know.
Would you like a drink or something?
- Oh, I'd love it. - Yeah?
There's some Tab over here, and there's some club soda.
Give her... Give her some Coke.
- Excuse me just a second. - Oh, that's fine.
Hello? Yeah, sure, we're... Yeah, that's right.
Hey, it's the twins! It's the twins!
Yes, yes. Sure, sure, darling, sure. Yes, darling.
And the new noses are good?
Yes, we're sure.
I came to apologize.
You gonna ask me in?
Let me call you back. Can I... Yeah.
No, I'll get back to you. Let me call you... I'll call you back.
Hope I'm not intruding.
I realize you hate me.
Danny, come on, bring her in, will you?
The food's getting cold.
Hey, Danny, who's your guest?
Oh, nobody. It's nothing.
Was it your Uncle Sidney who said,
"Acceptance, forgiveness and love?"
Look, I've had a bad year. I, you know... l...
If things don't pick up for me,
I'm gonna be selling storm windows soon.
I'd like to be friends.
No, I don't think that would be such a great idea.
Hey, this is the best Thanksgiving party we've had so far.
Here's your napkin, honey, you said you needed one.
This is absolutely the best Thanksgiving party.
- Danny, this is marvelous. - Hey, hey.
Danny, who's your guest?
The cranberry sauce is dry.
You're eating the mashed potatoes.
Hey, what a spread.
Look who came to the party.
Hi, Gloria, wait a second, I'll be right with you.
Hey, Danny, thanks a lot for the invite.
Boy, Thanksgiving sure rolls around fast.
Well, that's my Danny Rose story.
- Unbelievable. - Fantastic.
The man is a living legend.
Do you know that only six months ago,
they gave him the single greatest honor
you can get in the Broadway area?
- Why? What's that? - Look at the menu.
At this very delicatessen, they named a sandwich after him.
The Danny Rose Special.
MORTY". Sure. Probably a cream cheese on a bagel with marinara sauce.
- He deserves it, he deserves it. - Yeah.
Did you ever go to one of his Thanksgiving parties?
- Once. One time. - Anybody go? Did you go?
Yeah, yeah. Where they... Where they have the frozen turkey, right?
- Yes. - Sorry.
Economical, but a lot of laughs, lot of laughs, lot of laughs.
Cranberry sauce made like a rocket.
You have to dethaw the corn.
Ah, it was incredible.
- Listen. - What?
Excuse me. Before we go any further, may I ask you a favor?
- Sir. - Can we go home now? I'm tired.
SANDY". Oh, what are you talking about?
We're having laughs. What a time to go home.
I haven't seen you in 110 years. Stay.
I have to go to Atlantic City tomorrow.
I'll get the check. I'll take care of it.
- Hold it. Yeah, yeah. - Oh, really?
Oh, a national holiday. Corbett has the check.
Maybe you could get a discount.
Oh, but for these kinds of laughs, I figure it's worth the price.
Well, we'll do it again tomorrow.