Welcome to the University of Ithaca. This is it, right here.
I'm gonna give you a good tour today.
Show you as much as you need to know.
This is the main area of the university.
You'll be getting used to this area.
This is sort of where you congregate.
Come in around me. Keep close.
I've had problems with stragglers before, OK?
They get lost in the back and hit by trucks, OK?
It's not pretty. This is the...
By the way, this is the Joseph H Nelson Memorial Library here, OK?
It was built, uh... It was built, uh, in the 1600s.
1600s? It says 1951.
That's the address. OK? Wise-ass.
That's the psychology department.
You're expected to volunteer for cutting-edge experimental testing.
Kind of cool.
When it's your turn, remember to wear loose clothes, no metal,
and be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current.
They're watching us right now.
Over there is the department of English.
Most of you speak English already so we can skip that.
- How long have you been here? - Eight years.
You don't seem to know anything. This is the worst tour ever.
It's the worst school ever. Doesn't anything cool happen?
Yeah, cool stuff happens.
This university is the coolest place in the world.
That's because he's never been anywhere else.
Go ahead, laugh all you want.
But the fact is, this is the setting for the greatest story ever told.
OK?
It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker,
and his girlfriend, Tiffany.
It's one of the most fascinating journeys ever.
'Josh and Tiffany were always together,
'starting from when they were little.
'They did everything as a team.
'When Tiffany was 10, she had her tonsils taken out.
'Josh stayed in the hospital for three days.
'They were best friends.
'What started out as friendship...
'blossomed into some serious French kissing and lots of heavy petting.
'They spent so much time together that even their dogs started dating.
'They seemed destined to be together forever.
'But after high school, they faced the most challenging challenge ever -
'a long-distance relationship.
'See, while Josh was enrolled here at the wonderful University of Ithaca,
'Tiffany went off to veterinary school in Austin, Texas.
'But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other,
'to talk every day and maintain an exclusive relationship.'
That turned out to be more difficult than either of them ever imagined.
Tiffany! Hey, baby.
Oh, my God. You were amazing last night.
- I never ever came like that before. - Come on!
Seriously! I had to take two birth control pills today.
You wanna help me study again tonight?
Forget tonight. Come over now.
Let's blow this class off.
'Tiffany and Carla can't come to the phone but please leave a message.'
Hey, Tif, it's me... again.
Just wonderin' where you are. Still trying to get hold of you.
Everything's cool, though. I'll catch you later.
Call me back, OK? OK. Bye.
I just wanted to add something before I sent this video.
I haven't talked to you in a few days and...
I'm thinking you don't like me... I'm kidding.
Hey, guys.
But I am getting a little worried so gimme a call when you get a chance.
Barry says hi.
So gimme a call as soon as you can. I miss you.
Call me, OK? Bye.
- What's up, guys? - Not much. You?
I was just finishing my tape to Tif.
Mitch, what are you doing? Are you hungry? Huh?
- You gonna feed him? - No, I'm checking the temperature.
Mitch needs an evenly distributed 85 degrees to survive.
Can I drop a mouse in?
Mitch only eats once a week, on Saturdays.
Maybe we could cut a mouse in half,
and we could feed him half now and the other half on Saturday.
I don't think so. I thought you had class now?
What time is it? Oh, shit!
Do me a favor - when this is rewound, mail it for me?
- No problem. Leave it there. - Thanks, man.
- See you guys later. - Bye.
Can we please feed him now?
No. If you overfeed him he could die.
So? It'll be worth it.
- Josh, hey. - Beth, hey.
- What's goin' on? - Not much.
- Where have you been? - Nowhere.
Studying. I'm starting to question this college thing.
There's so much reading.
- Right. - Yeah.
- You going to EL's tonight? - Yeah.
I gotta run, class has started.
- I'll see you tonight. - Yeah. Sorry.
So, you have a thing for that guy now, is that it?
- It's not your business, Jacob. - I can tell.
- I'm not having this conversation. - What conversation?
You need to stop this. We're not a couple.
We've never been a couple, and never will.
This week I'd like you to think about
Plato's Dialogues of the middle years.
"The Republic", "Phaedo", "Symposium".
Now, this will all be on next week's mid-term,
so I suggest you read up on it.
Ah, Jacob, do you have anything to add?
Just a reminder.
The mid-term will cover all of the in-class lectures
as well as all of the assigned readings.
It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads.
I prefer yellow. It's easier on the eyes.
OK. OK? Yeah. Thank you, Jacob.
And... see you all next week for the mid-term.
- Josh. - Yes?
I saw you hitting on Beth. NOT a good idea.
- She's spoken for. - What?
She'll come back to me. They always do.
So... Mr. Parker.
Do you intend to be ready for this exam?
- Yes, sir. - Well, you better be ready.
Because I was looking over the books last night
and you need a B on this test just to pass this class.
Actually, I double-checked that, Professor.
He needs a B+. We can't bend on this.
I got it.
- Just copy off someone. - I can't. It's all essays.
If I fail this class, my average is shot.
I might lose my financial aid or not be allowed back.
Well, you're fucked, then.
So come to my party, hook up with Beth, and enjoy your last week.
I'm not hooking up with anyone. I'm invested in this relationship.
Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Listen to yourself!
I would give my life...
for one evening of consensual sex with that girl.
I've gone this long without cheating.
You're already cheating!
Any time you pass up sex you cheat yourself.
The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs
and take advantage of young girls is shrinking daily.
I gotta make a call.
I'm telling you, you pass this up, it'll haunt you forever.
Your dick will never forgive you.
What do you think, man? Don't you want to experience something new?
It ain't easy being Josh's penis.
We've been here two months, and I feel like I'm in a coma.
- Stop it. - I wish I was your dick, EL.
If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna leave.
- Enough. - 'Hello?'
Carla, it's Josh. Sorry to bother you, is Tiffany around?
Tiffany is not here.
She didn't sleep here last night... again.
And it would be great if for one hour you didn't call.
- Right. - If she wanted to talk to you
she'd call you.
Deal with it.
- You bitch! - Does she sound hot?
We've never gone this long without talking. Something's wrong.
She found someone else, like you should.
The clock is ticking. Before you know it you'll be 40 and paying for girls.
Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
I should really warn you,
it's been known to affect your decision-making abilities
and lower your inhibitions.
Good. That's the plan.
No, that-that's... Yes, that is the plan.
- You bring cash? - Why?
- We've got chicks for sale. - What?
Trust me. I've been goin' to this school seven years
and I know the key to a well-rounded college education
is experimentation.
Let me show you.
This is an auction. Remember...
you are not buying the girl,
only her company, and sale does not constitute sexual relations.
I know. Believe me, I've tried.
Without further ado, let's introduce our first... person.
Laura!
Laura's from Long Island.
She likes the outdoors and loves seafood.
- OK, let's start the bidding at $5! - $3.50!
Good God, moneybags, she's not a Happy Meal.
- $5. - OK, we've got five. Do I hear 10?
10 bucks.
Who's got 15 bucks for a lovely evening with Laura?!
OK, we got 15. Who can beat 15? Going once, going twice...
Sold... to the captain.
There you are.
- Hey, what's going on? - Not much.
- You look great. - Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen, Jacob's here, and he's a total psycho...
Can you go outbid him?
You know what, I didn't bring that much money.
You don't understand. He's obsessed.
See? That's fun, right?
OK, OK. Now, I want you two to kiss each other.
All right, has anyone seen Beth? There she is!
Say hi to the crowd, Beth.
Hi.
Can I hear a $5 opening bid?
- $5 right here! - Who can beat five?
- Seven. - $10.
- $10! Going once. Going twice. - $15!
- 20. - 25!
25. Who can beat 25? Going once.
- Going twice. - 26.
- 26, going once. - 30!
- OK, can anyone beat $26? - I just said 30!
There must be someone who can beat $26?
- Me, right here! 30! - Sold! To my man Josh for $26.
You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear.
Your bid didn't count.
- Why? - Because you're a TA.
- So? - This auction is for students.
Goodbye.
Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.
- You owe me more than one. - Do I?
Technically.
Well...
are you ready to collect?
I think so. Yeah.
We're touching.
It's a lot of fun.
We're having a good time.
Who's Tiffany Henderson?
Just some girl I used to date since I was, like, five.
But that's over now. She blew me off.
Oh, poor baby.
You must be very hurt.
Do you need some special attention?
Well, I am pretty upset.
Did that help?
That helped a lot.
I have an idea.
What do you say?
Uh, I don't think so.
Come on! It'll be fun.
- I've always wanted to try this. - No...
Yes.
I'm gonna interview you.
Fine.
OK.
- OK, Josh. - Yes.
What do you look for in a girl?
Um, well, let's see.
She should be smart and funny and...
That's good, too.
Do you feel better yet?
I feel a little bit better. Yeah. A little...
What else do you look for?
She should be attractive and...
nice and...
Topless. And topless.
And she should kiss me.
What else?
She shouldn't stop kissing me.
Why don't you keep doing that?
What are you so happy about?
I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning?
Well, you're bouncing around here.
You do seem unusually light-hearted.
Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night.
Twice! And once this morning.
You and Beth?
- Oh, yeah. - Shut up. What happened?
No way! You're lying.
I'm not lying.
You can't make out with someone then pretend you had sex.
- That's really uncool. - I'm not pretending.
Forget it. I know you're lying. I guarantee it.
You wanna bet?
Great. I'm gonna bet on something you can't prove.
You videotaped it!
No, no, no, I didn't! Gimme that! Gimme that!
- No way! This is amazing! - I was kidding, I was kidding!
- Gimme the tape. - Huh? Come on.
- We're gonna see it sooner or later. - He's got a point.
Oh-ho! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Give it to me. No, give it to me.
- EL, no. - Josh, please? We need this.
OK, listen, seriously. You can't tell anyone you saw this.
Oh, yeah.
OK. OK!
Barry, hit the lights.
It's boner time!
'Hey, Tif. It's me coming to you live from Ithaca.'
I thought I asked you to mail this yesterday?
Yeah, you did. I mailed it today.
Fast-forward to the horny stuff.
Is this the shit you've been sending Tiffany?
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no.
Oh, God!
W-wait a second.
Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.
Yes!
Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Hey, hey.
Did you make a copy?
If you made a copy, we could watch the copy.
Don't answer it!
'Hey, it's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.'
'Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.
'Sorry we haven't spoken.
'Listen, my grandfather passed away.
'I've tried calling you a few times, but no one picked up.
'I didn't want to leave this message on your machine
'but by now you're probably a little worried so...
'Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom.
'She's really a wreck.
'If I don't speak with you, I'll call Monday.
'I'll be OK. I just need some time.
'Bye. I love you.'
That's not fair.
How come she gets to see the tape and we don't?
She gets back there Monday. That leaves three days to get there.
Get where? Austin?
- That's like 10,000 miles from here. - 1,800.
You wanna drive 1,800 miles in three days? Just fly.
Do you have money for a ticket? I don't.
- All right, so we're driving. - You're coming?
What else am I gonna do, stay here and learn?
Road trip.
Just a minute. Hold on.
He's probably jackin' off.
What do you guys want?
Kyle, this is an emergency.
Wait. Let me at least go back and call my dad.
Call your dad? Would you listen to yourself?
You're 19 years old, and you're a fucking sissy.
All you ever do is sit in a library and play Myst.
It's pathetic.
He's trying to say that this is your chance to do something.
Be a risk-taker. Come with us.
You're just saying that because you want my car.
No! No, we've always liked you.
Or just give us the car. That would make him a risk-taker.
Shut up, all right? He's coming with us.
Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun!
Aren't you even curious where we're going?
No.
OK, we're going to the University of Austin. Sure you won't come?
I don't like Massachusetts.
Austin's in Texas. You're thinking of Boston.
You've never left this town, have you?
No, not really.
That could turn into a debilitating phobia.
OK.
- Can I feed Mitch? - Yes, actually you can.
There's a brown box of mice by his cage.
Give him one tomorrow. Just one.
- I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow. - OK.
You can count on me. OK? I'm reliable. OK?
You guys do good. Have a good trip, safe trip.
Buckle up your seat belt. I'm gonna feed the snake!
I'll feed the snake, I'll watch the snake.
'So off they went.'
They had 1,800 miles to go, and only three days to do it.
It was a killer journey and one that changed them all forever.
The end.
- So we're gonna go look over here. - Whoa. That's it? This story sucks.
- What happened with the tape? - Right. The tape.
Well, um...
Well... Like I said, they were on a race against time.
Since we didn't get to see the tape,
- can you at least describe it? - No.
Admit that Beth is amazing.
I admit it, she's amazing. She's perfect.
I don't know why you feel so guilty. Technically you haven't cheated.
What are you talking about?
There are these rules that guys have,
an understanding as to what constitutes cheating.
Take your situation, for example.
It's not cheating.
Not when you're in a different area code - not to mention state!
That makes no sense.
Don't look at me, Kyle. I don't make the rules.
This is legit. I've read an article.
There's a whole bunch of them, like loopholes.
Say you were sleeping with two girls at the same time,
it's not cheating because they cancel each other out.
- Ahh. - Exactly!
Or if you're too wasted to remember...
It is not cheating.
Because if you can't really remember it,
it never really took place.
OK, I've got one. Ready?
It's OK if you spread peanut butter on your testicles
and let your dog lick it off.
- Because it's your dog! - Jesus Christ!
- You know, because it's your dog! - We got it.
Somebody's gonna die tomorrow.
That's right. One of you is marked for death.
And first thing tomorrow morning,
a chosen one will experience nature's wrath
in all its fury.
Who are you?
I'm Beth.
Are you here for the feeding?
Excuse me?
You're early. It's not till tomorrow.
You should come back.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
I think I'll pass.
Have you seen Josh?
He went to visit his girlfriend.
Tiffany?
I thought they broke up.
I mean this girl who's a friend of his. You know what I mean.
Where did he go?
Austin?
Austin, Massachusetts?
You mean Boston, Massachusetts?
Yeah, that's what I said. Boston.
The University of Boston in Massachusetts.
He is such an asshole.
I can't believe he just lied to my face like that.
I actually thought he liked me. How could he do that?
- She was topless? - Girls don't stand around naked.
Yeah, they do. OK? This is my story. You wanna hear it or not?
- It just doesn't make any... - Shh. Please, no interruptions, OK?
So this other girl walks up, totally hot. Naked! Really naked!
I know guys can be jerks.
I guess I just thought Josh was different. I liked him.
Sweetie, listen to me. They're all the same.
All men are perverted pigs.
All they care about... really, all they THINK about is sex.
- You're so right. I feel so used. - Face it, we're all used.
In most men's eyes, we're just flesh.
- It's so sick! - It IS sick. Think about it.
If they had it their way...
God, I don't even want to know what would happen
if they had it their way!
What am I supposed to do now that he's gone?
- Go to Boston and bust his ass. - Right.
Confront him and his little girlfriend.
Face to face. You totally should!
Show her what an asshole Josh is, right?
Hmm...
Ooh! These, too.
Kyle, come here for a second.
We're a little short on cash right now,
so we need to put this on your credit card.
We'll give you the cash when we get back, I promise.
I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only.
Hello! This IS an emergency.
We need this stuff. You want us to sleep in the dirt?
We're in no-man's-land.
We've been on this road for over an hour.
This is gonna save us five hours, minimum. Thank me later.
We should go back to the interstate.
- We're not goin' back. - Yeah, have some faith.
It's a challenge. That's why it's a short cut.
If it was easy, it would just be the way.
Damn it! Fuck!
I give us 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.
If we turn around we'll lose five hours backtracking.
Turn around? Why? Because of this? We could make it.
Make it? You mean jump it?
No. Absolutely not. No way. We're going back.
It can be done. This incline is 30 degrees roughly, right?
The factory weight of the car is 1,600lbs.
Add us, plus cargo...
- No, no. - If we hit this at 50mph,
our trajectory will clear 10 feet, easy.
No way. Absolutely not.
We'll go 60 just to be certain.
We're goin' back. It's impossible.
You sure?
With physics I'm always sure.
I'm driving.
I don't think you guys heard me.
This is my car and we're not gonna jump any rivers.
Kyle, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart.
Look, I can spit across this gap.
Yeah.
Well...
better make it 75.
- OK. Let's do it. - Trust me, Kyle, it's science.
No, you guys. No. EL, get out of my car.
Kyle, in the car. Come on.
We're OK.
You know we need to hit 60?
- I'm trying. This car sucks. - Stop!
Thank you! Yes!
What did I tell you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
My father is gonna kill me when he finds out about this.
I only said we'd make it across.
I never said the wheels would stay on.
What the hell are we gonna do now?!
I'm totally screwed!
I don't have time... to be walking... through the woods!
Josh, we'll call a tow truck, have the axles fixed.
We'll lose half a day at most. It's just the wheels.
The minute I think I feel something for someone,
they just turn around and screw me over.
Just something about Josh, he's just different.
I feel like we had a connection.
I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy.
You shouldn't! Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985
and he took off with my sister and my van.
It was a regular-size van. Before that mini-van crap.
So there's no hope, huh?
Oh, there's hope. But it comes with batteries.
You can keep that.
God. Crap.
Listen, guys, we're gonna have to be more careful.
We almost died in that explosion.
- I wish I had died. - I'm serious. I can't die young.
Something tells me the people of Earth are gonna need me.
I must live.
Yeah, right. We all must live.
Before we do that, we must get back on the road.
We shouldn't be going to sleep right now!
'Let's just lay an indication here and there.'
'And a whole bunch of color...'
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, do you need to get that?
Do you need something?
Yeah. This is sort of an unusual question.
But do you have any marijuana I might buy?
Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out.
Am I a drug dealer?
No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though.
No? OK, that's OK. Thanks.
Is there anything else I can help with?
Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old prostitute. We can do that.
Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh?
I've got it. Why don't we start small?
Would you like a fresh towel?
You could roll that up and smoke it.
Dick.
By the way, Cheech,
that credit card you guys gave me was maxed out,
so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.
Um, Mr. Earl Edwards?
I'm sorry, sir. This card's over its limit.
That's not true. Put it through your little machine again.
I tried three times, sir. If you have another card, I'd be happy to...
Don't give me any attitude.
You go fix that little toy back there,
and charge this friggin' card.
We've been coming here for 20 years.
- We've only been open eight years. - Do it now.
Relax, it's not a big deal.
You don't understand, when Josh finds out he'll freak.
You can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't.
So, what are we gonna do?
Tell you what. Stay here.
Take him out for breakfast or something.
I'll go take care of this.
Earl, Cookie, we have a situation. Now, brace yourselves.
The police have found Kyle's car abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania.
It's been blown to bits.
We checked with the university - he's missing.
Mother of God.
- Good morning. - Hello.
Hi. How can I help you?
Yeah, hi. I was sent over here to check out bus 111,
and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You seem to be having problems with the... rotator splint.
Engines have rotator splints?
Yeah.
She runs good now, but not for long.
I can have it back to you as good as new in a week.
Let's see. Well, Jared's still in Aliquippa,
- I take it he called you from there? - Yeah.
Five days. Well, I think we can work that out.
Would you please not feed my dog?
I didn't.
You can't feed Seeing Eye dogs treats.
I'd appreciate it if you left him alone.
Don't roll your eyes at me.
French toast.
Bacon. Good for you.
- And scrambled eggs. - Thank you.
Excuse me, but this has powdered sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar.
I can't have too much sugar in the morning.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right.
Tell you what, let me take this back and bring you out a new piece.
Is everybody good? OK, great.
Do you know where my possessions are, because I can't...
- Wait, no. They were in the car. - That's... that's hilarious.
All right, let me warm that up for you.
- There you go. - Thanks.
Excuse me. And the French toast will be out in just a minute.
- OK, thank you. - OK, great.
French toast, no sugar.
- All right? Sorry about that. - No problem.
That's a nice guy.
It's good.
OK!
I don't wanna know how you got this.
- I stole it from a blind chick. - I don't wanna know.
What? I'm gonna give it back.
Probably.
Can we please stop soon? I need to use the bathroom.
Actually, I don't have to go yet, so we'll stop in a couple of hours.
OK.
I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop.
Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself. Be more assertive.
OK.
What's your deal? Why are you so worried?
I don't know. I guess it's my dad.
He's, like... strict.
He really is gonna kill me when he finds out about that car.
So you screwed up. Big deal. People make mistakes.
He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked anyways.
I really do need to go to the bathroom.
- We're makin' a pit stop. - Again?!
You're about to experience first-hand...
exactly what it means to be in the lower region of the food chain.
Mitch is going to bite into you.
He's going to squeeze.
He'll actually start digesting you while you're still alive.
But don't be scared.
No. No, no.
It'll be a quick death.
Be brave.
You'll barely feel it.
Come on.
Come on. You gonna fuckin' eat him?
Josh, wait up a second.
This is supposed to be a road trip.
All we do is drive the whole time. It's ridiculous.
- No one forced you to come. - We're making great time.
And if Tiffany saw that tape, it'd be a good thing.
What is that supposed to mean?
Beth is an angel. She's here to help you change your life.
Besides, did Tiffany ever let you videotape her?
I think not.
It's a sign, Josh.
Hello?
- 'Professor Anderson?' - Who's calling?
Hi, Professor, it's Josh Parker.
Oh, uh...
Hello, Josh. What can I do for you?
- Well, I was in a car accident. - 'Oh. Oh, my God.'
I'm OK. It's just I'm in kind of a bind.
All my notes and books were destroyed.
Is it possible to get an extension?
'Maybe take the mid-term a couple days later?'
Oh, sure. Yes, it sounds like an emergency.
How about an extra three days?
- 'Would that work?' - Yeah, that would be fantastic!
- Are you sure? - 'Just glad you're not hurt.'
I'm marking it down right now.
'That's great, Professor. Thank you.'
OK, goodbye.
Who was that?
Oh, that... that was Josh Parker.
Oh, yeah? What did he want?
He was just confirming the date of the exam. Such a worrier.
It's gonna be OK. I'll find him.
And we'll find whoever did this, I promise. It's gonna be OK.
If I had to guess, I'd say somebody was raped and murdered here.
What the hell gives you that idea?
I don't know. It's just a feeling.
- Well? - Nothing yet.
Good thing is, there's no evidence of a struggle.
No blood or clothing or anything.
And we haven't found a single drop of semen yet.
Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home.
But she doesn't know I'm coming. It's a surprise.
How nice. How can I help you?
I've never been here before. I don't know where she lives.
What's her name? I can look it up.
Oh, OK. Tiffany Henderson.
Do I know you?
No, you don't. Actually, I know your boyfriend.
OK. Who are you?
I'm Beth. Could we just sit down for a minute?
OK.
Um, this is really hard for me,
but it's definitely something you should hear.
Your boyfriend is cheating on you... with me.
We were together Thursday night.
Twice.
And once again Friday morning.
I thought you should know.
Sorry.
Tiffany! What the hell are you doing?
- Who's that guy? - That's her boyfriend.
THAT's her boyfriend?
Yeah. He's been cheating on her.
Baby, I love you!
I-I'm sorry,
but you have the most beautiful feet.
Ohh... Would you like a foot massage?
No, I would not like a foot massage.
I would hate a foot massage!
OK. I'm sorry. Relax.
Are there any guys out there who are just normal?! Huh?!
Unleash the fury, Mitch.
Unleash the fury.
Come on, Mitch.
Eat him.
Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy.
He's right there. Kill him.
Maim him. Bite him.
UNLEASH THE FURY!
Wow, this is cool.
I've never been in a fraternity house before.
Is this gonna work?
Of course it's gonna work. I know the handshake.
Hi.
- Hi. Can I help you? - Yeah.
I'm Rubin Carver, a Xi Chi brother from Ithaca.
We're just passing through and looking for a place to party,
maybe even a place to crash.
Xi. Chi. Xi, Chi. Xi, Xi, Xi.
Chi.
Hmph.
Wow!
Ahem. Uh, everyone, this is Rubin.
Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity brother from our Ithaca chapter.
These are his friends.
Listen, uh, we've interrupted your dinner so we'll just...
Hey, don't be crazy.
There's plenty of food to go around.
You guys are welcome to stay.
You know, this food's pretty good.
Hey, you do realize this is a national black fraternity?
They know you're not a member.
I'm sorry. I don't think about that kind of stuff.
OK, relax. OK? They're just messing with us.
They're pissed because he lied.
- I say we get out of here. - Shh, relax.
Someone's got some explaining to do.
- Look what we found in his bag. - What?! What is that?!
No, I've never seen that before!
What are you doin'? Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
- Whoa, whoa. That is not ours. - That's not mine!
OK, hold on, th-there's obviously some explanation.
Yeah, there is. See, your boy's an evil bigot and now he's gonna die.
Justice!
Kyle. Kyle.
Kyle!
There you are. I thought we lost you.
- Am I in the hospital? - You passed out.
They were messin' with us, Kyle. It was a joke.
Racist? But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day.
It was a joke, outtie. A joke!
I get it.
Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag.
Yeah. Oh, that's funny.
Whoa.
I need a wine cooler.
- Hey, have mine. - Thanks.
Isn't he just the cutest little thing?
Oh, yeah, Kyle's the man!
You mean never? Not even once?
Well... I mean, I've had sex before.
Just, um,
never with a person.
Right.
Well, I think that's kinda cool.
- You do? - Yeah.
I mean, you should hold out. It should be special.
Wait till you're in love.
I think I love you.
You are so cute.
I take it you don't have a condom?
Uh... no.
Um, I guess I'm all out.
Well, Lawrence probably has some.
Why don't you try that drawer?
Next to the Old Spice, behind the belts.
Good guess.
You know what?
Um, I don't exactly know what I'm doing and, um...
I'm... Oof.
Shhh. Relax, baby. Let Rhonda handle this.
- Thanks for a great time. - Take care.
Stay cool.
Hey, Devon.
What's up?
Let's go, Kyle. We want details. What happened?
Well, we had a few drinks,
danced a little, and, you know...
No, we don't know. Why don't you tell us?
What the hell is that?
Did you kill a cheetah?
What? No. These are her underwear. She gave 'em to me.
I boinked her!
Boinked?
Yeah, did you just say the word "boinked?"
Well, Kyle,
I hope you got the boinking out of your system,
cos we got a lot of driving to do today.
Do not get your hopes up about visiting Graceland,
cos we're about the mission at hand.
- Josh. - What?
That sounds like a good plan, except for one little thing.
- What little thing? - We're out of money.
OK, before you fill out these, I have to ask some questions.
If you qualify, you can make a sperm deposit. Understood?
Mm-hmm. Fire away.
Tell the truth, because if you don't the test will and you won't get paid.
So, first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours?
And that includes marijuana.
OK, next.
Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours?
Well, I guess I'm out.
Because I had sex last night...
with a girl!
That's nice.
You'll find everything you need in these binders.
Would you each take a cup.
- OK. - And yours.
I'd appreciate it if you'd return those after you're finished.
OK. Uh, thanks.
Cheers.
Excuse me. Do you have anything with Asian women?
I have this thing for Asian chicks, and there's none here.
This isn't Peep World. Our selection is limited.
- You're gonna have to make do. - OK.
You've been more than helpful.
Is something wrong?
Well, no.
But... I just couldn't help but notice that...
Is there something between us?
I mean, I was thinking that maybe you might want to...
I don't know... help me out with a little...
professional assistance?
Do you need some help?
Yes, I do.
'Dr. Morris, dial 1-1-8, please.
'Dr. Morris, please dial 1-1-8.'
The moment I saw you out there, I thought you were incredible.
You're not like most of the girls I know. You're a woman.
That's fine. Turn around, drop your pants, hands flat on the table.
Oh, my God.
- This is great. Wow. Like this? - Exactly.
I have to admit, I love you in that uniform.
Do those nylons go all the way up, or are they, like thigh high?
I'm gonna perform a procedure called milking the prostate.
It's an anally-induced ejaculation.
Anal?
You're gonna feel strong pressure from inside your rectum.
Come on, you don't have to get all scientific, baby.
I mean, we can just talk...
Stop! OK, keep doin' it. Yaaah!
Right there! Ahhh!
Oh, my God! Ohhh!
OK. All done.
That was awesome!
Wait. Wait. Does that work?
I mean, is it even medically possible?
Oh, yeah, it works.
It works like a charm.
But back to our story.
'It was Sunday morning back in Ithaca,
'when things suddenly took an unexpected turn.'
I'm a mouse. I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
Come on.
You better eat him, Mitch, before I do.
He's tasty.
He's tasty, Mitch. Oh! Oh!
Mmm! Mmm!
- Mmm! Mmm! - Why'd you lie to me?
I didn't lie.
You-you told me that Josh went to Boston.
- I didn't. I said Austin. - You said Boston.
Because of you, some guy's life is ruined.
So what? Besides, wherever he went, he went because of you.
- What do you mean, because of me? - Look, it's obvious.
Josh likes you. It's disgusting.
I knew you'd come back.
- What do you want? - So, how was your getaway with Josh?
- I wasn't with Josh. - Sure. Doesn't matter, though.
Cos Josh won't be back next semester.
He's about to flunk philosophy.
- What are you talking about? - He thinks that he has an extension,
but thanks to a... certain someone - me -
he doesn't.
He's an idiot. You psycho.
Oh, my God!
'That night I set the guys up at my grandparents' house.
'I haven't been there in a long time.
'When I was seven years old I set their dog on fire
'and wasn't invited back.
'But I hear it's still real nice.'
I'm serious. "Please", "Thank you", "This is delicious"
are the only words you're allowed to say.
What? I'm great with old people. Grandmas love me.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait. "Manilow"?
- Barry's last name is Manilow? - Yeah.
- His name is Barry Manilow? - Yeah.
- Hi! - Oh, my goodness!
Oh, look at you boys.
Jack, they're here!
Jack, Barry's friends are here. Come and say hi.
The boys are here.
- Oh, hey, fellas. - Hi.
- Hey, how's it going? - Wait. Let me get up.
- I'll give you guys the full tour. - Oh, honey!
Careful. Your boner!
Well, what do you want me to do, cut it off?
I'll tell you what, fellas,
we'll start by showin' you where you're gonna sleep.
I'll show you what we call the guest room.
Follow me, boys. The guest room...
Ohhh.
Excuse me.
You remember this kid?
No, sure don't.
Fuckin' airhead.
Let me ask you once more. Have you seen my son?
Ow. Now that you mention it, there were a few guys in.
If you loosen my arm, I could get their bill.
Use your other arm.
- How many were there? - A few.
Aaah! Four!
One of 'em was trying to score drugs.
Honey, look. They made two calls to Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there.
Havin' a smoke?
Uh... yeah, yeah.
I can't sleep, either.
Goddam Viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat.
Are you OK?
- You look kinda goofy. - No. No, it's nothing.
- Come on, out with it. - OK.
Well... I almost died two days ago.
- What? - Our car exploded.
I could be dead right now.
And since that happened, I find myself asking why.
You know? Like...
What is my reason for living?
Are you gonna pass that doobie, or what?
Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry.
Uh, thanks.
You know what your problem is?
You're all brains. Not enough cock and balls.
Actually, uh, people have been telling me that my whole life.
In the sixth grade I got so worried about the situation in Iraq,
that I was on an adult dosage of Xanax.
And by eighth grade, I was in therapy three times a week.
And the truth is, weed is the only thing that could balance me out.
You know what I mean? Like...
You OK?
Hey, old man.
I got the fuckin' munchies real bad.
How 'bout you?
OK, Tiffany, it's time to stop being so sad.
Look at all this mail you got!
Look how many nice people care about you.
You even got a package from Josh.
Really?
Shall we open it and see what he says?
Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it.
- It's a tape. - Oh.
Well, pop it in.
Maybe I should watch this on my own.
Oh, come on.
This'll definitely cheer you up.
'What do you look for in a girl?'
'Well, let's see. She should be smart...'
'and, um, funny.
'And, uh...
'That's good... that's good, too.'
'What else do you look for?'
'Um... She should be, uh, attractive.
'And, um, topless.
- 'Uh-huh.' - 'And she should kiss me.'
Bye-bye. You boys be good now.
- Bye-bye. - I'll tell Barry you said hello.
Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes. Now.
Excuse me. Ahem.
www.episodetwo/spoilers...
back slash...
OK, look. Some people are here
and they are being very rude.
OK. Call you back.
I'm sorry, but we need your help.
- Do you know Tiffany Henderson? - Room 109.
Well, her grandfather died,
and she asked me to pick up her mail.
Oh, how sad. Do you have the key?
Well, she didn't bring it to the funeral so I was hoping you could...
Oh, I'm sorry, but you need the key.
Don't worry. Her mail will be here, safe and sound.
It's not like that, you see? She needs something.
- This is an emergency. - Don't make a big deal out of it.
Well, it's not a big deal, but you need the key. Rules are rules.
No one's asking you to do anything wrong. Just, you know, look away.
Go have an Eskimo pie.
You guys are gonna have to leave.
We're not leaving without that mail.
Listen to the man before you get some Jackie Chan on your face.
- Come on, let's go. - That means now, asshole.
Jesus!
I think he broke my nose. Oh, God!
Come on, Susie.
- You're a wrestler? - You bet, Mary. You wanna go?
- Let me see it. - Oh, God!
All right.
- Who's my bitch? - What?!
That's it. No, no, no!
OK, everyone, freeze!
This here is pepper spray, and we will use it.
These guys jumped me. I was just sitting behind my desk!
Kyle?
- Dad? - That's your dad?
Freeze now! Everybody freeze!
Put your weapon down now!
My son was kidnapped!
Whoa, whoa... Who was kidnapped?
I wasn't kidnapped. These are my friends from school.
What are you talkin' about?
We all drove down here together.
What?
Then explain to me how the frigging car got blown to hell!
- Well, see... - It was stolen.
That's right. Tell him, Kyle.
Uh-huh. Exactly.
Stolen?
What about the damned credit card?
It was inside, and that was stolen, too.
Bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why didn't you tell us where you were?
Because I knew you'd get mad! See?
- I'm not mad! You're going with me. - Josh?
- Tiffany! - What the... What's going on?
- Nothing. - Damn, dude, she is hot!
My girlfriend's pagin' me. Can we let them go?
- Good idea. - No one is going anywhere!
- He's comin' with me. - Get off of me!
I'm going back with these guys.
Shut your mouth and don't talk back.
Why don't YOU shut up?
What the hell did you just say to me?
I said, you shut up.
You've always told me to stand up for myself.
Well, now I am. Leave me alone, you jerk!
You ungrateful...
- What... - Go this way.
Go away! Go away!
What was that all about? I mean, Josh, what are you doing here?
I just missed you. That's all.
I missed you, too, but it's crazy for you to drive all the way here.
What? I thought you'd be glad to see me.
I am. But Josh, you have your entire life to live up at school.
This isn't healthy. Besides...
I realized a few things this past week.
You did? Like what?
Like, we're in college.
The window of opportunity to go out and have fun and meet new people
is getting smaller by the day.
- It is? - Come on, Josh.
We've been together forever.
I mean... you're pretty much the only guy I've ever been with.
What do you mean, "pretty much the only guy"?
Well, I was 14, and you were away at camp, but that was years ago.
Besides, we're in different area codes.
I've been thinking a lot about us, too.
The real reason I drove down...
Hold that thought.
Hello?
Yeah, he's right here.
Who is this?
Hold on.
It's for you. It's Beth.
Who's Beth?
Uh...
Beth? What are you doing?
I'm not sure what's going on between us but I need to tell you something.
I'm actually glad you called, cos I wanted to tell you something.
OK, you first.
I can't really talk right now,
but I'll explain everything when I get back.
'OK? Really. I promise.'
Uh, I-I gotta get going, OK?
- Wait! Do you want to hear mine? - Right. Sorry.
Is it good?
Not really. Jacob lied to you.
There's no extension on your mid-term.
What?
'He tried to trick you. If you don't get back you're gonna fail.'
Shit!
'She should be smart and funny.'
- 'Aren't you glad I called?' - Yes. Thank you.
I'll call you as soon as I get back, OK? Bye.
- Is this for me? - Hmm?
Oh, God, no, no, no! You don't...
What the hell is this?
'I can see myself on TV, I think it must be rewound.'
It's Barry.
'Hey, look...
'Look at that. I can see my bum.
Why would you send this to me?
So wait - you guys broke up, then you hugged and then you left?
Yeah, pretty much.
Loser! Always have sex with the girl one last time before you break up.
Everyone knows that!
It's not like that. I've known her my whole life. She's my best friend.
So, what do we do now?
- Wanna smoke some drugs? - I don't think so.
My mid-term starts in exactly 46 hours so I got to get back.
Although I'm gonna fail anyway, so it doesn't matter but...
- Which class was it? - Ancient Philosophy.
I can teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.
You can?
I can teach a monkey in 46 hours.
You just got to find a way to relate to the material.
Like, OK... You like pro wrestling, don't you?
- Who doesn't? - OK.
Socrates was like the Vince McMahon of philosophy.
He started it all.
Oh, what was the 20-Man Battle Royal?
Participation explains predication. Aristotle.
Right.
You know this! You'll be fine.
Freeze, right there! Don't move!
Is this philosophy?
If you hear anything, give me a call.
A bomb threat is serious. Take my card.
OK.
OK, let's move it.
What's goin' on with this bomb threat?
False alarm, people. Everyone back inside.
We're gonna do this thing. That's right.
- Josh. - Beth!
Hey, um... thanks for calling.
Uh, it's been a really weird week.
So, how'd you do?
On the exam? Pretty good, actually.
- You did? - Yeah.
Were you surprised?
You weren't back in time for the exam,
so I, uh, called in a bomb threat.
You did that?
That's insane.
I wasn't gonna let Jacob get you kicked out.
Besides, I might need you around next semester.
So I did good, right?
Good?
That's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Mom?
I'm so sorry.
Mom?
I got carried away with the story there.
So, anyway, Josh got a B+ on his mid-term.
He got to stay in college.
'And he and Beth are still together.
'They're still really into making their... home movies.
'In fact, they have about 70 hours of unedited amateur video.'
It's pretty wild.
I know, because I bought some of it.
That guy Jacob?
'He left school. He went on to become the leader of some cult in Iowa.
'He tried organizing a mass suicide.
'Only problem is, he drank the Kool-Aid first
'and, well, everyone else just kind of changed their minds.'
Too bad.
As for Rubin... Remember Rubin?
Remember how he claimed that he was destined for great things?
The people of Earth need me.
Well, he was right.
Rubin used cross-pollination to develop a strain of marijuana
that is not only remarkably potent...
but completely undetectable by any drug tests.
Oh, my God.
'He was named High Times' man of the year.'
As for EL, despite his swinging philosophy on sexuality,
he got serious with some girl he met.
And you want me to use two fingers?
'I believe she was pre-med.'
Did I say two? Better make it three.
Then there's Kyle.
'Kyle and his father reconciled their differences.'
Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas.
'He brought his girlfriend home.'
Rhonda, this is my father, Earl.
Dad, this is Rhonda.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Come here.
That's the end of the tour.
I hope you strongly consider becoming part of the Ithaca tradition,
as we lead future generations of young people
forward into the new century.
Thanks a lot. You were great. Thanks.
- Thank you so much. - No, it was fun.
I'll see you in the fall. Thank you. Thank you.
- OK. Thank you. - I'd like to say thank you.
I mean, uh, that was...
really great.
Thank you.
Mom?
Thank you.
Thank you, Mommy.
I'm pumping your mommy.