[开头其他节目乱入 可直接跳至1:07处观看]
欢迎来到《搞笑穴居人》 Hello. Welcome to Caveman Comedy,
第一个笑话 听好 First joke, ok.
穴居人喜欢什么音乐 What music do caveman like?
摇滚[石头] 摇滚乐 Rock! Rock music.
-你说啥 -摇滚 -Ye what ? - Rock.
-才不是 -你丫闭嘴 下一个 - Nah. - Oh shut up you! Ok, next one.
什么 什么 What, what, okay, what
为什么剑齿虎要过马路 Why did the sabre-toothed tiger, ok, cross road?
马路是什么 What's a road?
你能别打岔吗 Oh, will you get away with your ways?
我不知道什么是马路 I don't, I don't know a road.
恐龙小分队 Oh, what did the dinosaur band
用什么锯木头 use to cut the wood?
-我不知道 -恐龙 - I don't know. - A dinosaur.
-没听懂 -是一种锯子 - I don't get it! - It's like a saw.
叫恐龙[saur和saw读音相同] But it's a dinosaur.
-冷死了 -你才... - You are not funny! - Oh, you're not...
所以说我们应该禁止伊恩·斯特林 And that's exactly why we should ban Iain Stirling
[苏格兰喜剧演员 就是这个主持人]
和他家其他人讲笑话 and the rest of his family.
-你闭嘴 -对 就应该这样 - You hush! - Yeah, we should.
-发送邮件到下方地址 -禁止伊恩 - Email at cbbc@bbc.co.uk -Ban Iain!
喜欢喜剧 选择伊恩·斯特林 and view comedy, save Iain Stirling.
接下来播出的是真正搞笑的喜剧 But right now, there is some proper realy funny comedy.
请看全新一集《糟糕历史》 The brand new Horrible Histories.
■
人人影视 YYeTs.com
原创翻译 双语字幕
仅供学习 禁止用于任何商业盈利行为 更多影视更新 请登陆www.YYeTs.com
恐怖都铎 华丽乔治* *Terrible tudors, gorgeous georgians
卑劣斯图亚特 邪恶维多利亚* *Slimy stuarts, vile victorians
翻译：DayDay 小蟹 榴圈圈 袋小呆 切糕布丁
悲惨战役 凶残争斗* *woeful wars, ferocious fights
昏暗古堡 英勇骑士* *Dingy castles, daring knights
恐怖难以言表* *Horrors that defy description
时间轴：sinagujia 后期：吉吉
凶狠凯尔特 可怕古埃及* *Cut-throat celts, awful egyptians
凶残维京 冷血罪行* *Vicious vikings, cruel crimes
校对：麦克杜格 江米枣糕文氓娜 总监：Leona
远古的惩罚* *Punishment from ancient times
罗马人 堕落恶心又冷血* *Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
穴居人 野蛮残酷不长牙* *Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
绝妙古希腊 聪明大圣人* *Groovy greeks, brainy sages
卑鄙又卑微 就是中世纪* *Mean and measly middle ages
血腥故事无限多* *Gory stories, we do that
且听鼠君对你说* *And your host, a talking rat
历史不再是个谜* *The past is no longer a mystery
欢迎收看* *Welcome to
第二季 第三集
糟糕历史
腐朽古罗马
我们古罗马人有时真的很坏 We Romans really could be rotten.
我们最喜欢的事就是 And there's nothing we liked more
残暴虐待基督徒 than being horrible to Christians.
各位观众 欢迎收看 Hello! Welcome to
《我是基督徒 放我出去》 I'm a Christian, get me out of here!
迄今 我们见过基督徒被乱石砸死 So far, Rome has seen Christians stoned to death,
斩首 钉十字架 被野猪 beheaded, crucified, mauled by boar,
历史上古罗马人真的这样对待基督徒
熊或者豹子袭击 以及被狮子吃掉 bear and leopard and of course eaten by lions.
要我说 这就是罗马式娱乐 That's what I call Roman entertainment.
我都等不及要看今天的囚犯 I can hardly wait to find out
会沦落到什么下场了 what happens to today's prisoners.
先来见见他们 跟我来 Let's go and meet them, come on!
你们这帮基督徒 Hey, you Christians.
我们今天为你们准备了极刑哦 We've got some really horrible tortures for you today.
不过要记住 But remember,
如果你们想获得自由 只需要大喊 all you have to do if you want to be free is shout,
"我是基督徒 放我出去" I'm a christian, get me out of here!
然后你们还要说我们罗马的众神 And you also have to say that our Roman gods
比你们的上帝要厉害 懂了吗 are better than your one Christian god. OK?
-有谁现在就想说吗 -不想 - Does any of youse want to say that now? - No.
我们是虔诚的基督徒 We are good Christians.
不会背弃自己的信仰 We won't reject our religion.
好嘞 太容易投降就不好玩了 Brilliant! I hate it when they give in.
没有血腥场面就没意思了 谁先来呢 No gory stuff. Right, let's find out who's first up.
布兰蒂娜 亲爱的 我可以告诉你 Blandina, love. I can tell you...
下一个面临审讯的基督徒 ..that the next Christian to face a trial
不是 不是 Is not... not...
不是 不是你 not... not you,
所以就是你哟 我超爱这么玩 So it is you! I love doing that.
-你太残忍了 -对啊 - That's really cruel. - Yeah, I know.
不过远不如对你的审讯残忍哟 It's not as cruel as your next trial,
你将被放在一个巨型投石器里 which will place you in a huge catapult
然后你会划过城市的天际 and fling you high above the city.
提尔城真实发生的事
-别担心 你可能死不了 -那还好 - Don't worry, you might survive. - Good.
如果你没死 If you do,
罗马士兵也会上前一剑捅死你的 A Roman soldier will come up and finish you off with his sword.
太过分了 That's not fair.
就是嘛 赶紧走吧 快去 I know! Off you go, pet. Come on, get out.
广告之后 After the break,
我们会把下一位基督囚犯放在这桶里 We'll be taking our next Christian prisoner and put him in this barrel
从山坡滚下 and roll him down a hill.
那个听起来不算太惨 That doesn't sound too bad.
我说没说桶里有密密麻麻的钉子 Whoops! Did I forget to mention the spikes?
古罗马人真的这么做
"我是基督徒 放我出去" 'I'm a Christian, get me out of here!'
布兰蒂娜喊得有点晚了 A bit late for that one, Blandina.
孩子们 记住 在我们罗马当基督徒 And remember kids, being a Christian in Rome
真的有害身体健康哦 can seriously damage your health.
我是基督徒 放我出去
尼禄皇帝对待基督徒尤其下作 Emperor Nero was particularly nasty to Christians.
可如果你知道他是怎么对待自己爱人的 Not surprising when you hear how he treated people
就一点也不会觉得惊讶了 he was supposed to care about.
糟糕历史影视 倾情奉献
我宣布 你们成为皇帝和皇后 I now pronounce you emperor and wife.
尼禄皇帝 你可以亲吻新娘了 Emperor Nero, you may kiss the bride.
你个幸运的小东西 You lucky, lucky thing.
他曾拥有一切 He was the man who had everything.
尼禄皇帝饰尼禄皇帝
-领土 -爱你 - Land. - I love you.
-权力 -祝我万岁 - Power. - Hail me.
还有葡萄 很多很多葡萄 Grapes. A lot of grapes.
以及他的梦中情人 And the woman of his dreams.
屋大维娅饰屋大维娅
-我爱你 亲爱的 -那是自然 - I love you, darling. - I don't blame you.
一天 大概就是在买葡萄的时候 Then, possibly while shopping for grapes...
我不会付你钱的 我的帝国我做主 I'm not paying. My empire, my rules.
尼禄遇到了他的梦中情人 Nero met the woman of his dreams.
是的 又一位 Yes, another one.
那是谁啊 Who is that?
波培娅饰演波培娅
想和我约会吗 D'you wanna go out with me?
你妻子不会介意吗 Won't your wife mind?
应该不介意吧 你介意吗 I shouldn't think so. D'you mind?
当然啊 Yes, I mind!
这种事总是猜不准 Hm. You can never second-guess these things.
但是尼禄准备不惜一切代价 But Nero was prepared to do anything
和爱人在一起 to be with the woman he loved.
不 不 另一位 No, no. The other one.
对 对 这一位 Yeah, yeah. That one there.
我需要一件东西 I need a sign!
证明你爱的是我而不是她 Something to show you love me now, not her!
好吧 葡萄行吗 Right, well, something more than grapes?
因为我有好多好多葡萄啊 Because I've got loads of grapes.
葡萄当然不行 Yes, something more than grapes!
那好吧 Right.
今夏 一位皇帝将要证明 This summer, one emperor will prove
爱情就是一件礼物 that love is a gift.
亲爱的 这正是我想要的 Darling, it's just what I wanted!
用篮子装着你老婆的人头 Your wife's severed head in a basket.
即将上映 Coming soon,
一部"罗马"蒂克喜剧 the film that puts the roman in romantic comedy.
你以后不会把我的头砍下来放到篮子里吧 Baby, you would never sever my head and put it in a basket, would you?
宝贝 当然不会 Baby of course not!
-只是会把你踢死而已 -什么 - I'll have you kicked to death. - What?
没什么 Nothing.
《爱你至死》 Love You To Death.
根据真实故事改编 Based on a true story.
电影评级 不切实际级 Rated unreasonable.
真可怕 但却是事实 It's horrible, but it's true.
尼禄皇帝确实砍下了妻子的头颅 Emperor Nero really did have his wife's head cut off
并将其送给了新女友 and sent to his new girlfriend.
下一个情人节 The next Valentine's Day,
你还是照例送花吧 you may want to stick to flowers.
不过 尼禄并不是对所有人都这么恶劣 Nero wasn't nasty to everyone, though.
他对最钟爱的角斗士斯皮库鲁斯就很好 He was really nice to his favourite gladiator, Spiculus.
《AVE!杂志》
本期《AVE!杂志》 In this week's AVE! Magazine,
将带来对罗马最著名的角斗士 an exclusive interview with the most famous sportsman in Rome,
斯皮库鲁斯的独家专访 Spiculus the Gladiator!
我叫提比略·克劳狄乌斯·斯皮库鲁斯 My name's Tiberius Claudius Spiculus.
叫我斯皮斯就好 You can just call me Spics.
我曾经是个奴隶 I used to be a slave.
但是我在角斗场战绩辉煌 获得了自由 I fought so well in the arena, I won my freedom.
尼禄皇帝非常喜欢我 And Emperor Nero likes me so much,
他甚至送我了一座宫殿 he's given me my own palace.
了解尼禄如何让自己最喜欢的角斗士 Read how Nero made his favourite gladiator
成为了禁卫军长官 head of his personal-protection force.
斯皮库鲁斯升为禁卫军长官
唯一的问题是 我这个大名人走到哪里 Only problem is, I'm now so famous,
都有人要我停下让他们拍照 I can't go anywhere without being stopped for pictures.
看这里斯皮库鲁斯 很好 Over here, Spiculus! Nice!
我们还有多位著名角斗士照片 And we've got the pictures
记录了他们不愿示之于众的丑态 the celebrity gladiators didn't want you to see.
你们没听说过罗马浴场吗 Have you never heard of a roman bath?
还有我们的占卜师 Our soothsayer predicts the future
揭晓下周获胜者
通过观察鸡肠预测未来 by reading the entrails of a chicken.
我敢保证 这只鸡下周将很惨 I can safely say it's going to be a bad week... for this chicken.
是的 各种八卦 图片 罗马流言 Yes, all the goss, all the pics, all the roman rumours,
尽在本周的《AVE!杂志》 only in this week's AVE! Magazine.
《AVE!杂志》
我敢说 你一定会买一本回家 I can safely predict you're going to buy it.
只需99迪纳厄斯 Only xcix denarii.
[古罗马小银币]
卑微的中世纪
我们中世纪的一些医疗方法 Some of our middle ages medical cures
现在看来都非常古怪 would seem pretty strange nowadays.
保罗 保罗 听得到吗 Paul? Paul, can you hear me?
别担心亲爱的 救护车马上就到 Don't worry, darling, the ambulance is on its way.
让开 让开 让开 Make way! Make way! Make way!
中世纪医疗人员 Historical paramedics.
是医院派来的吗 Are you from the hospital?
-不 中世纪穿越来的 -他怎么了 - No, from the middle ages. - What's happened here?
我丈夫觉得头晕 然后就昏倒了 It's my husband. He went all dizzy and passed out.
-他叫什么名字 -保罗 - What be his name? - Paul.
保罗 听得到吗 听得到吗 保罗 Paul, hear ye! Hear ye, Paul!
听得到我吗 保罗 Can you hear me, Paul?
看来他是真晕过去了 He looks like he's fainted.
奈杰尔 给我只死鸡 Nigel, I need a dead chicken.
死鸡 要它做什么啊 A dead chicken? What on earth is that going to do?
啥也做不了 它死了 Nothing. It's dead.
我们不是要用这只鸡 是要鸡毛 It's not the chicken we need, it's the feathers.
我们只要这样把鸡毛烧了 We just burn the ends of them.
就应该能立刻让他醒过来 This should bring him round almost immediately.
不 不起作用 It's not working.
他在之前有没有什么别的症状 Had he shown any other symptoms before this day?
好像他一直睡眠不太好 I suppose he hasn't been sleeping too well.
失眠是吗 奈杰尔 糖浆[亲爱的] Sleeplessness? Nigel, treacle.
怎么了亲爱的 Yes, honey?
不是喊你 是让你拿糖浆 No, get the treacle, the treacle.
别急女士 蜜糖是俺们中世纪最潮的 Don't worry madam, treacle is the latest Middle Ages cure
千万别在家里模仿哟
失眠治疗药方 for sleeplessness.
等等 这些淤痕是怎么回事 Hang on. What are those markings?
可能是摔倒时的擦伤 Could be bruising from the fall.
我这有面粉和腌肉油 I'll cut the flour and bacon fat.
-什么 -等等 看起来像某种疤痕 - What? - No, hang on, they're kind of blotchy.
皮肤病 别呀 我狼皮用完了 Skin disease. No! I'm all out of wolf skin.
哪里有狼 哪里有狼 Where be a wolf? Where be a wolf?!
它也许能凑合下 This might work.
要说 这看起来又像是皮癣 Actually, it looks like ringworm.
英雄所见略同 I concur with thee.
那就只有一种方法了 There's one thing for it.
小兄弟 你想不想当一个勇敢的英雄 Man-child, do you want to be a gallant hero?
那就朝他的脑袋撒尿 Then you must wee on his head!
用童子尿洗头对皮癣有奇效 Nothing cures ringworm like a hair-wash in boy's-wee.
他不能朝我老公头上撒尿 He's not weeing on my husband's head!
你不准朝我老公头上撒尿 You're not weeing on my husband's head!
别担心 Don't worry.
个人常备新鲜童子尿 以备不时之需 I always carry a fresh jar of boy's urine just in case.
千万别在家里模仿哟
-保罗 -我没事 - Paul! - I'm ok.
但我确实需要洗个澡了 I do need a shower, though.
我们完工了 Our work here is done.
你介意在我们走前把这个尿满吗 Do you mind filling this while we're here?
-住手 别 -难道不 - Stop it. Don't...! - Is that not...?
听 好像是救护车来了 Hark, it sounds like a proper ambulance.
火速撤退 We must flee this place!
麻溜的 Make haste!
伊恩 拿清洁工具过来 Ian? Bring the clean-up kit.
那帮中世纪的人又来了 Those historical ones have been here.
以上均为地道的中世纪疗法 Those were all real treatments.
但中世纪是如何治疗痛风 But what was the middle ages cure for 'gout'-
这种关节发炎肿痛的病症的呢 a painful inflammation of the joints?
要敷上用迷迭香 蜂蜜跟什么的混合物 Was it a plaster of rosemary and honey mixed with...?
A 山羊毛 A: Goats' hair
B 山羊粪 B: Goats' poo
C 山羊尿 or C: Goats' wee
答案就是 B 山羊粪 The answer is B: Goats' poo.
中世纪人真心以为这药会管用 They actually believed it would work.
不过当年他们确实信了不少奇怪的事 But back then, they believed some very weird things.
恐怖故事
恐怖迷们 你们好 Greetings, horror hounds.
我是文森佐·拉佛 I am Vincenzo Larfoff.
本期的《恐怖故事》将带你进入中世纪 And this week's Scary Story is from the middle ages.
故事的名字叫作 伍尔皮特的孩子们 It's called, The Children of Woolpit.
《伍尔皮特的孩子们》
故事发生在诡异的1173年 It was 1173, an especially eerie yearie,
那一年 萨福克郡的小村庄伍尔皮特 when the small village of Woolpit in the county of Suffolk
被奇异生物入侵了 was invaded by creatures from another world.
确实很诡异 Indeed.
有一天 村子里来了两个外星人 One day, two aliens appeared in the village.
是两个孩子的身形 These aliens had taken the form of two children,
一男一女 a boy and a girl.
但他们的皮肤是亮绿色的 But their skin was bright green,
还说着一口诡异的外星语 and they spoke in a strange alien language.
诸如此类 Or something.
伍尔皮特的村民们都吓坏了 Yes, the villagers of Woolpit were terrified.
这些冒着绿光的外星人向他们索要食物 These green-skinned aliens demanded to be fed.
但他们的食谱却很惊悚 But what they ate was truly chilling,
那些食物是普通的孩子们 something no real human child would eat
绝不会自愿吃下的 without being forced.
没错 就是蔬菜 Yes! Vegetables!
之后 毫无预兆地 And then, quite without warning,
那个男孩就倒地身亡了 the boy alien dropped down dead.
而那个女孩呢 这就是最诡异的部分了 And the girl alien? That's the strangest part of all.
她成了兼职女仆 She became a part-time domestic servant.
原来这些孩子 It turned out that these children
并不是来自火星或者金星 were not from Mars or Venus.
他们来自比利时 They were from... Belgium!
他们是孤儿 是比利时织布工的孩子 They were orphans, the children of Belgian cloth makers.
他们绿色的皮肤 Their skin was green
是因为粘上了父母染布的颜料 because of the dye the parents used on the cloth.
他们在森林中住得太久了 They'd lived in the woods so long,
只认识蔬菜 the only food they recognised was vegetation.
男孩死于营养不良 女孩长大了 The boy died of malnutrition, the girl grew up
为当地一位骑士工作 and went to work for a local knight.
这不是恐怖故事吧 This is not a scary story, is it?
就是个有着奇怪开头的无聊故事 It's a boring story with a weird beginning.
可不是一码事 为什么叫我来这里 That isn't the same thing. Why am I here?
我还为此留了山羊胡 难以至信 I grew a goatee for this. It's unbelievable.
我要去化妆室 I'm going to my dressing room.
那里最好有甜甜圈 There had better be doughnuts.
绝妙古希腊
古希腊分成多个城邦 Ancient greece was divided into different city states.
雅典人认为 The people of Athens thought
我们斯巴达人非常野蛮 us spartans were pretty brutal.
但他们做的一些事情也同样恶劣 But some of the things they did were just as bad.
快点 阿道弗斯 Come on, Adelphus,
你上学又要迟到了 You're gonna be late for school again!
-东西都拿好了吗 -是的 - Now, have you got everything? - Yes.
-铁笔准备好了吗 -是的 - Have you got your stylus? - A-huh.
-蜡板呢 -是的 - Your wax tablet? - Yep.
-午饭吃的皮塔饼呢 -带了 - Your pitta bread for lunch? - Yeah.
-你忘了什么吗 -没有吧 - Haven't you forgotten something? - Um,... no.
你的奴隶 奴隶 Your slave! slave!
爸爸 我一定要带着他吗 Oh, dad, do I have to take him?
是的 你得带着他 Yes, you have to take him.
买他就是为了上课不守规矩的时候打你的 I bought him especially to beat you when you misbehave in class.
雅典人真的这样做
其他孩子都有奴隶的 All the other kids have got one.
你闭嘴 Shut it, you!
他只是恪尽职守 He's only doing his job.
雅典娜 你准备好上学要用的东西了吗 Now, Athena, have you got everything you need for school?
抱歉 我就是开个玩笑 Sorry. I'm only joking.
我怎么会送女孩去上学 那没意义 Like I'm gonna send a girl to school. It's pointless!
雅典只有男孩上学
你干得很好嘛 Oh, you are good!
对了 他今天下午有数学课 Actually, he's got maths this afternoon.
你可能需要根大棍子 You might need the big stick.
你知道他是什么德性 You know what he's like.
去吧 去上学吧 Go on, then, get off to school!
孩子 可不能打呀 Kids! You can't beat 'em.
话是这么说 So to speak.
这是真的 在古希腊的雅典城 It's true. In the ancient Greek city of Athens,
男孩们带着奴隶一起上学 boys took a slave to school with them
好保证他们上课守规矩 to make sure they were behaving in class.
真不知道 I have no idea
他们是怎么把奴隶塞进书包里的 how they fitted the slave in their satchel, though.
好了 我听话 Ow! alright, I'll behave!
如果雅典人已经让你觉得可怕了 Mind you, if you think Athens sounds bad,
那你更不会想上斯巴达的学校的 you wouldn't have wanted to go to school in sparta.
大伙 希洛人们 吉拉德人 Hey! all you helots, you zealots,
[前者为斯巴达国有奴隶 后者为犹太教派]
伯罗奔尼撒人 斯巴达人 you Peloponnesians, you Lacedaemons,
[前者是斯巴达盟军 后为古代斯巴达的别称]
所有莱奥尼达斯的军队 all of Leonidas' army,
[斯巴达的国王]
大家为《歌舞斯巴达》而疯狂吧 let's get barmy for the spartan school musical!
斯巴达嗨起来 Go, spartan!
音乐走起 Come on!
今日吾步入高中 由稚嫩走向成熟* *Today I'm starting high school, where boys are turned to men
带上剑与盾 我们不用纸张和钢笔* *I've packed my sword and shield, we don't use paper and pen
我们热衷体育 从没有书呆子* *Everyone's a jock here. We don't have Spartan nerds
瘦骨如柴将成鸟儿盘中餐* *The weedy kids were left to die as breakfast for the birds
我们热爱打斗 我们生性刚烈* *We're taught to love a fight, we're taught not to be meek
表现好每周都有肉吃* *And if we're good they feed us three square meals every week
让我们来决斗吧 感觉可棒了* *Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is excitin' now
一起歌舞斯巴达* *Rockin' at the Spartan School
走起 Come on!
众所周知 斯巴达幼儿园我就是老大* *At Spartan kindergarten I'm the boss, that's understood
淘气就会挨拍* *I smack 'em if they're naughty
表现好就会被打* *And I thwack 'em if they're good
肚子饿 想偷点吃的* *I'm feeling rather peckish I'm gonna steal some food
被抓包了就得惩罚你 斯巴达小屁孩* *Caught! I'll have to punish you, ungrateful Spartan brood
我们不偷东西 我们不毛手毛脚* *We promise not to steal, we're not the thieving sort
偷东西是好 被抓到就不算了* *Stealing is considered good, what's wrong is getting caught
被教训之后学到撒谎和作弊* *Let's get beaten now. Learn lies and cheatin' now
斯巴达学校好快活* *Rollin' at the Spartan School
有一系列比赛证明谁最棒* *We have a bunch of contests to see who is the best
最惨烈最犀利最艰难最难搞的斯巴达比赛* *The meanest leanest toughest roughest Spartan contest
我最爱的游戏 抽抽更欢乐* *This one is my favourite game, lashings of good fun
一点都不疼 我好想妈妈* *Didn't feel a thing! I want my mum
毕业考通过 我们毕业了* *We pass our last exam and it's Spartan graduation
随即投入工作 没时间庆祝* *Straight away we go to work, no time for celebration
军队服役十年 没有特例* *Ten years active service in the army, no diversions
斯巴达人只有一种活 就是杀死波斯人* *There's only one job for a Spartan - killing loads of Persians
想尝爱的禁果 你得等到30岁* *Wondering about love? It's banned until you're 30
高中不教你怎么爱 只教不择手段地战斗* *High school doesn't teach romance, it teaches fighting dirty
让我们来决斗吧 感觉可棒了* *Let's go fightin' now. Fightin' is excitin' now
一起歌舞斯巴达 被教训后* *Rockin' at the Spartan School. Let's get beaten now
学到撒谎和作弊 斯巴达学校最快活* *Learn lies and cheatin' now. Rollin' at the Spartan School
恐怖的都铎王朝
为我们都铎人都很怕亨利八世 We tudors were all terrified of Henry VIII.
没人愿意告诉他坏消息 No-one wanted to give him bad news.
事实上 天下只有一个人 In fact, there was only one person
可以告诉他坏消息 而又不受惩罚 who could get away with it.
-尼古拉斯爵士 -什么消息 - Sir Nicholas? - What news?
恐怕谣言是真的 The rumours are true, I'm afraid.
好像王后确实 It would seem the queen
背着国王偷汉子了 is seeing other men behind the king's back.
担心的事还是发生了 应该禀告陛下 Then it is as we feared. We should inform his majesty.
当然得禀告 可你也知道他的脾气 Yes, of course. But you know how his moods are.
知道 他通常会将禀告者斩首 Yes. He does tend to behead the messenger.
-是啊 -那就只有一个人能行了 - Indeed. - Then there is only one man for the job.
只有一个人可以把这种坏消息 Only one man who could break such terrible news
告诉陛下 亨利八世 to his majesty, King Henry VIII.
-你该不会是指... -对 - You don't mean...? - Yes.
-威尔·萨默斯 -有人叫我吗 - Will Somers. - You called?
有什么麻烦吗 先生们 So, what seems to be the problem, gentlemen?
-凯瑟琳·霍华德 -还有个男人 - Catherine Howard. - Another man?
-不止一个 -天啊 那就难办了 - Several. - Oh, dear. That is a pickle.
是啊 我们得禀告陛下 Yes. We need to tell the king
这样他才能离婚或者下旨斩首什么的 so he can arrange a divorce or a beheading or something.
而你是陛下眼前的红人 And you are his favourite jester.
所以是宣布这个坏消息的最佳人选 Who better to break the bad news?
确实是 但是要怎么说呢 This is true. But how?
亨利的小丑透露消息
这件事事关重大 我们要怎么办 This is obviously hugely important, so what do we think?
我是以笑话的形式说呢还是唱歌的形式 Shall I do it as a joke? Or a song?
还是在耍戏法的时候假装说漏嘴 Or shall I blurt it out while I'm doing the juggling?
-这该问你啊 -对 是该问我 - You're the expert. - Yes, I am very good at this.
我要运用我的机智和手段 I shall use tact, diplomacy
还有这个... and one of these...
靠边站 先生们 Stand aside, gentlemen.
今天算了吧 威尔 现在我没心情 No, not today, Will. I'm not in the right mood.
我看未必 您现在心情正好适合看表演 I don't know, you seem to be in a right mood to me!
别闹了 我现在正想上厕所 Stop it. Seriously, I need a wee.
您是说"朕"想上厕所吗 Would that be the Royal We?
别逗了 我说真的 我快尿裤子了 No, seriously. I will wet my breeches.
那可千万别尿到宝座上 Don't get any on the seat,
否则您要王位"不保"了 or you'll have to be throne out!
不 我已经给尿上好几滴了 Oh no! There's a couple of drips right there.
大可不必担心 I wouldn't worry about it.
这么多年上面肯定有过几滴[无聊鬼]的 There's been a few drips on that throne through the years!
是啊 无聊鬼 可不是嘛 Yes! Drips! Hasn't there just?
我觉得应该不止是几个 More than a few, I should think.
对 差不多和您妻子的男朋友一样多了 Yes, almost as many as your wife has boyfriends!
她是有几个男朋友 是吧 She's had a few then, has she?
是啊 很多呢 告退了 陛下 Yeah, loads of them! Good day, Sire!
好 Very good.
你看看自己那傻样 Look at you, you silly man!
陛下有什么反应 Well, well, how did he take it?
现在还为时过早 It's too early to say.
应该快反应过来了 Should sink in about
三 二 一 three...two...one...
-什么 -反应过来了 - Wha-a-at?!! - There it is.
尼古拉斯 把我的刽子手叫来 Nicholas! Fetch me my executioner!
马上 陛下 At once, Sire!
再拿条干净的内裤 And a clean pair of pants, please.
做亨利国王的小丑可是份危险的差事 Being Henry's jester was a dangerous job,
不过都铎王朝这位表演者活得更加危险 but not as dangerous as being this Tudor entertainer.
都铎王朝表演者
愚蠢的死法之
死得傻呀死得傻* *Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
真人真事乐哈哈* *They're funny cos they're true
死得傻呀死得傻* *Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家* *Hope next time, it's not you
她不该穿那条裙子的 She shouldn't have worn that dress.
她一点机会都没有 下一位 She had no chance. Next!
来者何人 And you are...?
都铎王朝表演者 A Tudor performer and entertainer.
那就让我们娱乐一下吧 Well, why not entertain us, eh?
你是怎么死的 How did you die?
我因神奇的表演而著名 Well, I was famous for my amazing act,
伟大的刀枪不入者 the great stab-proof man!
我站在现场观众面前 I would stand before a live audience
把匕首捅进自己的胸膛 and plunge a dagger into my own chest
还不会死 And yet, not die.
怎么回事 Hm. Well, how come?
我很聪明 偷偷穿了防刺背心 I wore a cleverly-hidden stab-proof vest,
所以匕首碰都没碰到我 so the knife never even touched me.
不过刺到了藏起来的动物血袋 But it did puncture a concealed bag of animal blood,
让人看起来我好像流血了 giving the impression that I was bleeding.
很聪明嘛 那你最后是怎么死的 Very clever! so, how did you die for real?
一切都很顺利 Well, it was all going perfectly.
观众们欢呼雀跃 财富滚滚而来 The crowd were cheering, the money was pouring in
我高举匕首 捅进胸膛 and I raised my dagger aloft and plunged it into my chest.
好 然后呢 然后呢 Yes. And, and...?
我忘记穿防刺背心了 I'd forgotten to put on my stab-proof vest.
匕首刺入心脏 我就死了 I stabbed myself in the heart and I died.
真可惜 这不是防傻背心 Shame the vest wasn't idiot-proof!
等我和评审们交换一下意见 I'll just confer with the judges.
闭嘴 路易 Oh, shut up, Louis!
好的 两票通过 Yes. That's two yeses.
去过来世吧 干得好 You're through to the afterlife. Well done.
谢谢 太感谢了 Thank you. Thank you so.
很不错啊 是不是 他太棒了 He was very good, wasn't he? He was good.
有时候我真喜欢这份工作 Sometimes I love this job.
真的 路易 真的 I... I do, Louis. I do.
死得傻呀死得傻* *Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家* *Hope next time, it's not you
野蛮的石器时代
杀啊 Kill!
是时候开始你们的第一次狩猎之旅了 The time has come for your first hunting trip.
-太好了 -要开始了 - Yes! - Get in!
我们都会受到这位神圣老太婆的庇佑 We have all been blessed by the sacred hag.
说什么老太婆 我是你妈 Oi! Less of the hag. It's mummy to you.
我们都会受到妈妈的庇佑 抱歉 妈 We've all been blessed by mum. Sorry, mum.
这就好多了 That's better.
-狩猎现在开始 -好极了 - And now we hunt. - Yeah!
希望我的长矛强壮到 May my spear be strong enough
能打倒捕食的巨熊 to bring down a marauding megabear.
巨熊 Megabear?
希望咕噜的箭精准到 May Ugg's arrows fly straight enough
能射中逃跑的猛犸象 to fell a stampeding mammoth.
-猛犸象 -猛犸象 - Mammoth? - Mammoth?
希望咕哝的匕首锋利到 And may Grunt's dagger be sharp enough
能直刺剑齿虎的胸膛 to tear out the heart of a sabre-toothed tiger!
都是真的石器时代动物
-他是不是说了老虎 -说了 说了 - Did he say tiger? - He said tiger, he said tiger.
让我们今晚共享盛宴 We feast this night.
兄弟们 狩猎开始 Men, let's hunt!
不不不 No, no, no, no, no.
那只巨熊也太大了吧 That megabear looks pretty big, actually.
看看它熊掌的大小 Look at the size of its hand!
一条腿飞了 另外一条腿也飞了 That's a leg. Oh, there's the other leg.
老实说 或许我们该去帮个忙 去吧 Actually, maybe we should go and help. Go on.
-或或或者... -啥 - Or, or, or... - Yeah?
我们可以去抓那边的巨型乌龟 We could hunt that giant tortoise over there.
比起什么熊 You know, I actually
-我更喜欢乌龟 -我也是 - prefer tortoise to bear. - Me, too.
那我们去抓它吧 So let's go and get him.
我觉得用它炖汤可好喝了 They're pretty good in soups, I think.
-当心 它会咬人 -它要逃了 - Watch out, he's a biter! - He's getting away!
没错 穴居人真的狩猎巨型乌龟 Yes. Cavemen really hunt giant tortoise.
其实 我们把北美的巨型乌龟都杀光了 In fact, we kill all giant tortoise in North America.
穴居人坏坏 Bad caveman. Ow!
狩猎很辛苦 所以石器时代健身很重要 Hunting very tiring, so fitness important in Stone Age.
是否梦想拥有这样的体格 Do you want a body like this,
却顶着这样的大肚腩 But actually have a body like this?
那你需要试试穴居人健身 Then you need the caveman workout.
史前最完美的狩猎训练 It's perfect training for a prehistoric hunt.
你想练就这么一身肌肉吗 你肯定想 You want guns like these? Sure you do.
让我们从手臂开始 Let's start with those arms.
我打 我打 我打 接着做 And club, and club, and club. Keep it going!
我打 我打 再做十次 我打 And club, and club. 10 more. And club.
好的 接下来训练用长矛 Ok. Let's start working out with those spears.
别担心 我们用它们狩猎野牛 Don't worry, we use them to hunt bison.
首先 我们追逐野牛 让它掉下悬崖 First of all, we chase a bison off a cliff.
跑起来 跑起来 把脚抬高 And run, and run. Get your feet up!
跑起来 跑起来 那有一只 冲啊 And run, and run. There's one there! Let's go!
一旦找到了野牛 你得把它弄死 Once you have your bison, you need to finish him off.
我刺 我刺 And spear, and spear.
我刺 接着做 我刺 And spear. Keep it going! And spear.
然后把沉重的野牛拖上山 It's time to drag the heavy bison up the hill,
带回山洞 back to your cave.
我拖 我拖 我拖 And drag, and drag, and drag.
同时还要抵抗捕食者 While fighting off predators.
我拖 我打 我拖 我打 And drag, and club, and drag, and club.
我拖 我打 太棒了 And drag, and club. That's really great.
就是这样 穴居人健身 So that's it - the caveman workout.
保持健美的体型 Stay in shape
你也可以延年益寿 活过三十岁 and you, too, could live to the ripe old age of 30.
穴居人健身 穴居人灭绝前有效 The caveman workout - available while cavemen last.
我想 应该举够了 That's enough of that, I think.
你知道吗 科学家们说 多亏了狩猎 Did you know scientists say humans look the way they do
人类才能变成今天这个样子 thanks to hunting.
没错 你们进化出了灵活的腿脚肌肉 Yeah. You lot evolved springy leg and feet muscles
才能长途追击动物 so you could chase animals for miles and miles.
还有能让你们坐着一直看电视的屁股 And a bottom so you can sit watching telly for hours and hours.
这是真的 It's true.
卓越美利坚
著名的西部小马快递设立于1860年 The famous Wild West Pony Express was set up in 1860
负责将信件从美国一端送到另一端 to carry mail from one side of America to the other.
但好景不长 But it didn't last long.
1861年10月
你好 比尔 Howdy, Bill.
哎呀 你好 吉姆 Why. Howdy, Jim.
我来了 准时出现 Here I am, bang on schedule.
不过我又中埋伏了 Although I did run into an ambush again
而且有一天晚上我是冒着暴风雨前进的 and I had to ride all through the night in a storm
我的马又因为响尾蛇受惊了 and the horse got spooked by a rattlesnake,
它发起狂来把我抛向了仙人掌 reared up and threw me into a cactus.
就好像为了给你送封信 As if my butt wasn't sore enough,
我连续骑了20小时马 having to spend 20 hours in the saddle
屁股还不够痛似的 to deliver a mail to you.
比尔 这是给你的 This is for you, Bill.
多谢你了 吉姆 Why, thank you kindly, jim.
我把这事儿给忘了 I forgot about that.
信上说横穿美国的电报线路网 It says here they finished the telegraph line
已经完工了 running across the whole of America.
也就是说 So all I have to do
我只要连上这个电报机 is connect up this here telegraph machine
我就会收到消息了 and I should start receiving messages.
瞧瞧 真管用 Look at that. It works!
比尔 你知道 要想把你的信息 Now Bill, you know there ain't nothing that can get your messages
从东岸发送到西岸 from the East Coast to the West Coast
没有比小马快递更快捷的了 faster than the Pony Express.
只要花十天 It only takes us 10 days!
电报只要花十秒 A telegraph only takes 10 seconds.
我已经收到我第一份信息了 I've got my first message.
上面说"小马快递已经倒闭了 句号" It says, "Pony Express out of business, stop.
"让邮递员找份新工作 句号" "Tell rider to get another job, stop."
好吧 这真是让人如坐针毡 Well, that is just a pain in the butt!
这话真没说错 And so is that.
等等 我有老虎钳 One second. I got me some pliers.
没错 小马快递员们 That's right. The Pony Express Riders' careers
只干了一年多就失业了 were finished in just over a year.
和大多数《X音素》的冠军挺像的 Much like most x-factor winners.
[英国选秀节目]
话说回来 他们能活着讲出这个故事 Still, they were lucky if they lived
已经算是幸运的了 to tell the tale
因为荒蛮的西部的确 because the wild west sure
充斥着危险人物 was full of dangerous characters.
不过千万别尽信历史书 But don't believe everything you read about them.
很多历史事件其实就是个谜* *Lots of things in history are actually a mystery
真相不总是在你读的书本里* *The truth's not always in the books you read
事实会被扭曲甚至会被错报* *Facts can get distorted or even misreported
试想一切扯上我* *Imagine if that was all down to me
克里夫·怀特赖[善意的谎言]* *Cliff White-lie.
-是怀特利 -抱歉 - It's Whiteley! - Sorry.
不不 你弄反了 兄弟 Nah, nah, you got it the wrong way round, mate.
沃尔特·雷利爵士是个探险家 Sir Walter Raleigh's the explorer.
蒙特卡罗拉力赛是个车赛 The Monte Carlo Rally is the car race.
没错 是挺容易弄错的 Yeah. Easy mistake to make.
-搞定 -克里夫 - Wallop! - Cliff?
怀亚特·厄普和比利小子 I've got Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid
在接待处等你 in reception for you.
我这才刚把天花板修好 Oh! I've only just had the ceiling done.
好吧 让他们进来吧 Alright, send them in.
真带劲 Alright!
苏珊 你能再约一下那个泥瓦匠 Susan, can you rebook the plasterer
让他下周三过来吗 谢谢 for next wednesday? Thank you, love.
厄普先生 小子先生 有什么问题吗 Mr Earp, Mr the Kid. What seems to be the problem?
我们就想重谢你一次 We'd just like to give you a big thank you.
人们都相信怀亚特·厄普和比利小子 People believe Wyatt Earp and Billy the kid
是货真价实的西部英雄了 are genuine wild west heroes.
你们不用谢我的 小伙子们 You don't need to thank me, lads.
所有的事例都是我从你们给我的 I've got all the facts from these books
这两本书里找出来的 what you gave me.
真有这本书
所有枪战和抢劫都是你俩干的 It was you fellas did all the gun fighting and holdups.
才不是呢 先生 No, no, no, sir.
我们根本没有做那种事 We did not do any of that stuff.
你刚说什么 Beg your pardon?
都是我编的 It's all us. I made it up.
-什么 -那些说我当了警长 - What? - That stuff about me bein' a sheriff
还把法律和秩序带到西部的事情 and bringin' law and order to the wild west?
见鬼 其实我不过是个兼职警察 Heck, I was just a part-time policeman
还因为偷马被开除了 who got fired for stealin' horses.
真的
我还以为你是个英雄 But I thought you was a hero.
那农场大决斗呢 What about the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral?
那次枪战只是我们合伙的 That gunfight was just an argument
一次抢劫引发了口角而已 about a robbery we all did together.
那都算不上一场枪战 It wasn't much of a gunfight.
因为他们那边大多数人就没有枪 Most of their sides didn't have guns! oh, yeah!
真的
不 不行 这是天花板 No! No! This is a ceiling!
我希望你的书能真实一点 I hope your book's a bit more authentic.
先生 我书里可没有 Sir? There is nothing authentic
一丝一毫的真相 about my book in the least.
但这本书叫作《比利小子的真实生活》 But it's called, the Authentic Life of Billy the Kid.
这是杀了我的那个人写的 It was written by the man who killed me.
我想他是想夸大他自个儿的形象 I think he wanted to big himself up.
总不能一点真事都没有吧 我们来看看 He must've got some things right. Let's have a look.
"真名 威廉·邦尼 "Real name, William Bonney.
到21岁时已经杀了21个人 Killed 21 men by the age of 21.
因其英俊的脸蛋而闻名" Renowned for his handsome face."
好吧 我是长得挺帅的 Well, I am kinda handsome.
那其他的呢 And the rest?
我的真名叫亨利·迈卡蒂 My real name is Henry McCarty.
我第一次杀人是在18岁 不是12岁 I killed my first man at 18, not 12.
而且还说什么21岁以前杀了21个人 And 21 murders before I was 21?
我这辈子就杀过8个人 I only killed eight people my whole entire life.
都是真的
这么说 你们都是假的吗 Honestly! So, you're both fakes?
当人们需要的时候 Where's a real wild west legend
真正的西部传奇又在哪里呢 when you need one, eh?
珀尔·哈特听候您的吩咐 Pearl Hart at your service.
好吧 你们再射屋顶我就要罚款了 Right. I'm gonna start charging for the ceiling.
我可是货真价实的 从寄宿学校逃跑 I'm the real deal. Ran away from boarding school,
剪了头发 女扮男装 cut my hair, dressed like a man,
抢了一辆马车 held up a stagecoach.
执法者们为了逮捕我历经恶战 Lawmen had to fight hard to take me,
但是没有监狱能困住珀尔 But not even a prison cell could hold down Pearl.
我破墙而出 I busted my way through the wall
直奔自由 and straight to freedom.
这些都是真的
你知道我楼上是间办公室吧 You do know there's an office above me?
我干这些事从来没有杀过人 And I did all that without killin' a soul.
你来拨乱反正 How about you set the record straight
把这些废物骗子们都从历史上抹去怎么样 And wipe these no-good fakers straight from history?
乐意之至 不过这要花上我好多年时间 I'd love to. That sort of thing could take me years.
不错 这样就行了 Yep. That should do it.
搞定 Wallop!
夸张故事 残暴行为* *Tall tales, atrocious acts
我们有最吓人的真相* *We gave you all the fearsome facts...
想和我一起穿越时间的下水道吗 Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
那就来玩糟糕历史恐怖宝藏吧 Ha! Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.
登陆CBBC网站 点击糟糕历史 Go to the CBBC website and click on horrible histories.
但愿你喜欢糟糕历史* *Hope you enjoyed horrible histories.