( Announcer ) and now a message
from the national entitilitus foundation.
Hi, i'm ronnie dobbs.
By the time you see this, I will have passed.
The killer what took me Is entitilitus.
No one knows where Entitilitus comes from,
Or what Entitilitus is,
But entitilitus kills.
So please,
If y'all could sponsor An entitilitus volunteer
On the annual Talk-backwards-for-one-day-
To-raise-awareness- About-entitilitus day,
I'd greatly Appreciate it.
Also, if y'all are Gonna be in a crowd,
Y'all wear condoms On both your ears.
I think it's funny.
( Coughing )
Ohh.
( Audience cheering )
( Announcer ) hey, everybody, it's bob and david.
( Audience applauding )
Hey, thank you.
Thank you.
Hi, i am Bob odenkirk.
( Audience cheering )
And i'm david cross.
( Audience cheering )
Well, america, You asked for it.
You told hbo--
"We wanna see A sketch show
"Hosted by 2 people We've never seen before."
And that's us ! So here we are.
( Audience applauding )
Whatever. Now you're, uh...
You're probably Asking yourselves--
"What is this show ?" Well...
It's whatever You want it to be.
Yeah, so, Let's start, um...
We need a suggestion For a show.
Anybody ? A suggestion For a show ? Anybody at all ?
Over here. Yes, sir ?
Yeah, i have An idea. Um...
( Whiny voice ) "I have an idea."
What if, For your show,
You guys, um, Played...
Beep, beep, beep ! Ahh !
Different Characters ?
Thanks, good.
Great suggestion, Moron.
Bob. What ?
You can't insult People like that,
Not right Off the bat.
I mean, they don't Know who we are--
Ok, all right, You're right.
Well, let's show them why Hbo gave us this show.
Let's--let's knock 'Em on their asses.
Yeah !
You brought your Asses, didn't ya ?
Yeah. Ok.
Let's do a little Ass-knocking.
You start. All right.
Ok, a little taste. I will now do A selection
From my One-man show,
hitler sings.
( Audience laughing )
* When will i Be special ? *
* When will i be someone Who's loved *
* For me ?
* If i stumble upon A me at the door *
* Will i open it wide
* Or close it and look Through the peephole ? *
* I want to be... *
Folks, there's something You should know About david cross.
He attended public Schools, and, uh,
He confuses hitler With anne frank.
David cross, Everyone !
Thank you so much.
Now it's my turn.
All right.
Now it is my turn.
I would now Like to recite
The names of All the states
In 18 seconds. ( Clearing throat )
You'll time me ?
You got it.
( Exhaling )
Ok, you ready ?
I'll just wait for it To go back around.
( Audience laughing )
How much time Have we got ?
Uh, about 55 seconds.
( Audience laughing )
Why don't you just Start it on the 15 ?
( Clicking )
Go !
Illinois, indiana...
Ugh...
( Stammering ) Wi-winkechin, uh...
( Stammering ) T-t-t-tassini, uh...
Chim-cham...
Yeah, got it ! Bob, you did it !
Yeah ! Yeah !
Yeah !
Yeah ! Yeah ! Go get 'em !
( Audience applauding )
( David ) Look at him go !
All right, folks...
Bob missed his First day of school,
And he never Really caught up,
So he thinks there are Only 5 states, you know,
And that one of them Is named chim-cham.
So, it's--
Yes ! Yes !
Yeah, all right ! Way to go, buddy !
Ha, ha, yeah !
Congratulations.
( Man in audience ) Um, yeah, um...
( Man #2 ) "Um, yeah, um..."
Um, bob and david, I had another idea.
"I had an idea." Yeah, what is it ?
( Bob ) What ?
What if, um, Instead of making it up As you went along,
( Making farting noise )
You had a script For the show ?
And, um, You did, like,
Tested material ?
Ow !
What ?
You know what ?
You just wrote your Ticket out of here !
That's right, get him outta Here, and his friend, too !
Ow, hey, I didn't--
Bye ! Yeah, bye !
I didn't Do nothin' !
mr. Show ? mr. Blow is more like it !
Stupid--
I didn't do shit !
Bye.
Wow, bob and david have Really changed, huh ?
Aw, fuck that.
Who wants to see their Dumb-ass show, anyway ?
I did, But not anymore.
They used to be Nice guys,
But now that they Got this mr. Show,
It's, like, Gone to their head.
Yeah, they think they're Ronnie fuckin' dobbs !
Please don't swear.
( Imitating his voice ) Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh !
( Horn honking )
Hey, stevie !
All right, Party time !
Hey, see ya later, You sack of shit !
Boom !
H-h-h-hey !
Pah-tay time !
( Laughing )
What about ernie ?
Shut the fuck up, man !
You want him to hear us ? All right.
Fuck you, Asshole !
( Ernie ) wow, he's really changed.
he used to be a nice guy,
but now he's kinda mean.
wow, look at those leaves.
oh, they've really changed.
hey, a caterpillar.
oh, he's really changed.
now he's a butterfly, he thinks he's so big.
oh, man, look at that traffic light !
oh, wow, it's really changed.
( Horn honking )
( Thudding )
( Doorbell ringing )
Hey ! Hey !
Hey, father jim, How are ya ?
A cheese ball ! Aw !
Geena ! Hi.
What a beautiful New apartment.
Aw, thanks.
Hey, father jim,
You allowed to drink Seltzer water ?
After 5 p.M.
( Laughing )
Boy, it's so Nice to know
A thoughtful, Progressive priest.
Honey, do you know That he took
The church youth group To see forrest gump ?
( Whispering ) Did he really ?
Yes, well,
I think that gump is A role model
For teens and Sweetly retarded people,
And society As a whole.
Well, you know What i say ?
Gump for president.
( All laughing )
What if That happened ?
Oh, my goodness !
Shut up, man. You don't Know shit about dick.
Hey, come on.
Sorry, guys.
Gary overheard me Talking about the party,
And i had to Pick him up.
Hey, hey, Hey, hey !
I'll bet any Of you lame-ass
Motherfuckers A cigarette
I can eat all the butts In this ashtray.
That's ok, gary.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Bit of a Character.
So, what's this I hear about A guitar mass ?
Oh, 2 of 'em-- An acoustic and A heavy metal.
Oh, it's like Lollapalooza.
( All laughing )
Yeah, yeah ! Did it !
Pay up. You owe Me a cigarette.
All you had to Do was ask.
Hey, guess what ? I don't Even smoke, dumb-ass.
Gary, language ?
Sorry, father.
"Look upon the corn In the wheat,
"For even the chaff Has its place."
Oh, all right, This is it.
You fuckers are gonna Believe it now.
Ok, $20 says
I can balance this glass On my nose for an hour.
Gary, what are you doing ? That's their glass.
Oh, man ! Thank you very much.
Gary, what are You doing ?
I'm the hit Of the party No, you're not.
Everybody loves it. No, they don't.
Alright, gary, Just--
All right.
Gary !
All right, here's the Bet. Here's the bet !
If i can eat
All this broken glass In my hand,
Y'all have to be my personal Slaves for a year.
No, get--
( Swallowing noises )
Is he eating it ? He's eating it.
Yeah.
( Grunting )
Man.
( Grunting )
Oh, look at it.
Stop looking at it !
Whoo !
Yeah !
( Audience cheering )
Yeah, i did it !
I did it !
Now y'all have to be My personal slaves.
Are you ok ?
"Sir." "Are you ok, sir."
Now get me A beer, slave.
I'm not your slave !
I never agreed To your stupid bet.
I'll get Him a beer.
No, father !
Yes, actually, I think i'm Obliged to.
Gina, len, stevie...
Earlier, when he Bet us that he could Eat the ashes,
No one agreed To his bet.
But upon Succeeding,
He was rewarded-- One cigarette.
No, i just--
In doing so, a Precedent was set--
An implicit Agreement that no Direct negative
Acknowledges acceptance Of his bargain.
Now get me A beer, slave.
( Audience laughing )
Yes, sir.
Here you go.
Ah, good Little slave.
All right. Now, let's talk About a comedy mass
With you As the m.C.
Wouldn't that Be fun ?
Oh, slave, I'm hungry.
I want a banana.
They're Right there.
I'll--i'll get one. No--
No, slave.
Pick me up and Carry me there.
Father, don't.
Really, i must.
( Grunting )
Gary--
"For the Samaritan must Fulfill his duty."
Now, what about A puppet mass
For the kids, The little ones ?
Oh, slave, Put me down.
I'm kind of bored Right now, slave.
I wanna be Entertained.
Entertain me With this banana.
No.
It'll just be A moment.
( Making tooting sound )
No.
No, slave.
Slave, not like that.
I want you to take That banana
And stick it in Your butt crack.
Gary !
And...
Tell everyone you Were born out Of satan's ass.
Oh, please don't Make me do that.
Hey, come on, Say the words !
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
I was born Out of satan's ass.
Do a dance. Jig it up.
Do a jig.
* I was born out Of satan's ass *
Strip naked.
* I was-- *
Strip naked, slave.
Oh, slave, Strip naked.
What happened To your voice ?
Oh, god.
What's so funny ?
We had this great idea A couple of weeks ago
To make you agree To be his personal slave
For one year.
We got the whole Thing on video. Look up there.
Let's watch it. Come on.
Well, can i take The banana out ?
( Audience laughing )
( Sighing ) Guess i should be upset.
But when life Gives me lemons...
I make lemonade.
If i ask for A glass of water
And somebody hands me A glassful of sand, I turn it over,
Make a sand castle And pretend i'm the king.
( Audience laughing )
If somebody throws A rock at my head,
I pretend the bruise Is a faded tattoo,
And that i was Once a sailor
And ran a sweatshop In singapore.
( Audience laughing )
I'm not too proud
Of that time in My imaginary life, but...
I'm comforted In the knowledge
That my friends,
Who made me stick A banana in my crack,
Feel even worse.
strip naked, slave ! strip naked !
Aww.
Oh, man, That's great.
Whoo ! What else You got, man ?
( Len ) Ahh, let's see.
"2 murders,"
"Faces of People crying,"
"Defective cribs" ?
"Faces of Confused elderly."
Oh, check this one out.
"Convenience store Security cam 5."
All right, so i just Put the wax on
And then rip the hair Right out, huh ?
All right.
You know best.
Why don't you Take a picture ? It'll last longer.
Jagoff !
( Audience laughing )
I just need Change for $1.
I just need quarters, i--
( Audience laughing )
I-i'll just go Across the street.
Next.
W-what was all that About ? Are you closed ?
I was on my break.
Ok. I just need Change for $1.
Change for $1 ? Yeah.
Hmm...
( Clicking )
Quarters, mostly.
Quarters ? You want Quarters ? Hmm...
( Clicking )
Let me think. Doo, doo, doo...
Change, change, change, Change, change, change...
Ch-ch-ch change, Change, change...
( Clicking )
( Sighing )
Tell you what.
I'm gonna have to Ask my boss.
Ok.
( Audience laughing )
Oh, what Did he say ?
I went the wrong way.
( Audience laughing )
What the hell do you mean, You're taking it away ?
Yesterday, i was the World's greatest grandpa,
Today, i'm not ?
Well, i've used The mug already.
I-- Hold on.
What ? What is it, pete ?
Um, there's a Man out front
Who wants to know if he Can get change for $1.
Change ?
Yeah, um, Quarters, mostly.
( Sighing )
I'm gonna have to Call you back.
I got a Situation here--
Huh ? Hello ?
They hung up.
( Sighing ) Change ?
Yeah, for $1.
( Sniffing ) Hmm...
( Sighing )
( Grunting )
Well...
( Sighing )
( Grunting )
Uh...
I'm gonna have To call albany.
( Ringing )
Yo ?
Mr. Spivey, please.
Hey, danny. What's up ? I'm in a hurry.
I got a fella here who Wants change for $1.
Whew, change For $1. Um...
( Clicking )
wow, uh...
( Farting noise )
ohhh...
No, no, no, no !
Change, all right,
Lemme think... Buh, bah, bah, bah, bah...
Uh...
* Ahh *
Change, all right, All right,
I'll tell you what, Danny...
I'm gonna have to Call the big guy.
All right.
Goddamn it.
( Whistling )
( Ringing )
( Grunting ) Damn it !
What is it ? I'm on vacation.
I'm sorry, sir,
but there's a man in our worcester store
Who wants change For $1.
Oh, ok, all right, i'm Sorry i snapped at you.
Change, huh ?
For $1.
Damn it, it's too Late to fly back.
All right, I have to think. Uh...
Phil, one second.
Oh, ta, ta, ta, Ta, ta, ta...
ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta...
( Making trumpet noises )
( Making drum noises )
Whoo !
ok, uh...
I'm gonna have to call You back, all right ?
( Telephone ringing )
President of The united states.
Shithead, it's kyle.
Dumb-fuck, How's the golf ?
Stop needling me, You prick.
Look, some ass-wipe At my worcester store
Wants change for $1. What should i do ?
Hmm...
( Clicking )
No. No ?
Tell him no. thanks, asshole.
And fuck you.
( Laughing )
( Telephone ringing )
no.
No. Yes.
( Telephone ringing )
Mcginty's, Open 4 days--
No. Tell him no.
All right, no.
No. Tell him no.
All right.
( Audience chuckling )
No.
( Audience laughing )
Ok.
I'm sorry, They didn't have any.
Well, did you ask for Quarters, mostly quarters ?
I did. "Quarters mostly," i said.
Well, i mean, did you Check with the manager ?
I did. The guy checked.
He called someone.
That don't do me No good, though.
I--i ain't got no Quarters anymore.
Ronnie ?
Terry ?
( Terry ) i remember the first time i met ronnie dobbs.
at the time, i was a cameraman
for a popular tv show about the coppers.
* naughty boys, naughty boys *
A lot of times, you get There, and they're drunk...
It's the 3rd time we've Been here this week.
It's like arresting a Couple of 9-year-olds.
She's a professional Lie-ologist.
Yeah, that's great.
Well, you be a Professional, and move Back 2 feet.
Now, what's Going on here ?
I gave him money to Go to the food circus,
And get some Macaroni and cheese.
So what Did he do ?
Lyin' bitch ! He goes drinking again.
Lyin' bitch ! Did he hit you ?
Hold on, Did he hit you ?
Here it goes ! Did he hit you ?
He was about to--
But did he ?
How do you feel About that ?
Those are my plates !
( Terry ) nothing remarkable, really.
but then, 3 weeks later
and hundreds of miles away...
That's that Ronnie guy...
That ronnie dobbs Guy again.
That's all behind me. I'm cleaned up--
Please calm down.
I'm cleaned up, And i'm--
What's that ?
Oh, ronnie. Oh, ronnie.
Let me explain it, ok ?
( Woman ) Why is it in your pocket ?
I was standing here, Minding my own business,
Doin' my work, and A man came up to me
With a scar, he Had a big ol' scar,
And he came Up to me, and He was like--
"Hey, man." He put that In my pants and said--
"Hold on To this for me."
I was like, "what's All that about ?"
And he ran off Before i could see.
He had a scar, and-- There he goes !
There goes The perpetrator, Officer !
Get in the car. You can catch him now !
You are so stupid, ronnie. You are so stupid.
I hope you're happy, bitch. You stupid, dumb-ass bitch.
Hey, y'all forgot Y'all's cameraman.
( Terry ) 2 weeks later, another city...
We got him.
an increasingly familiar face.
There he is, I got him !
( Crashing )
Y'all's unfair. Y'all's unfair.
What's this White stuff ?
I was bakin' For my mama !
( Terry ) ronwell quincy dobbs was like a magnet for police--
a drunken, loud magnet.
It was an Innocent arm !
Ok, i'm sure It was, fellas.
( Terry ) i put together a tape of ronnie's finest moments
and shopped it round hollywood.
a hungry producer convinced ronnie
to get arrested exclusively for us,
in a scene which the network deemed
"not funny enough for you."
hence, this montage.
( Screaming )
Don't make me Shoot you, sir.
Come on down.
Don't make me Shoot you.
ronnie was a natural-born drunk.
Man's best friend is a dog, And this is my dog,
And i made my best Friend a sweater.
he never needed a 2nd take,
and he soon got himself arrested
in every state in the union.
Come on.
All i want's--
we had to take him out of the country.
( French music playing )
( Shouting in french )
I can't even understand What you're saying !
( Speaking french )
Speak english, Motherfucker !
after that, the only place left was outer space.
( Astronaut ) we have one ronnie dobbs...
( Ronnie ) y'all get off me !
ronnie's face was everywhere,
and his name on everyone's lips.
Trick or treat.
But, ronnie,
Weren't you actually going To do a special where...
y'all are brutalizing me ! police brutality !
( Heavy metal music playing )
* Ronnie dobbs, Ronnie dobbs *
He's guilty, yeah, But he knows it.
I mean, we're guilty, You don't know it.
So, you know,
Who's really in jail ? You know ?
( Terry ) ronnie got himself a new hollywood house,
and a new hollywood wife,
and then ronnie forgot what got him there.
How y'all doin' ? Y'all know rhonda ?
Yes, we do. Hi, ronnie. How are you today ?
Arrest me, officer.
For what ?
What did you do ? What's goin' on ?
Wh...
I'm not wearin' A shirt !
So...
Fuck you, pigs !
( Laughing )
That's very funny, Ronnie. Um...
Would you mind signing this For my nephew, neil ?
I would really Appreciate it.
( Terry ) ronnie couldn't get arrested
in this town or any other town,
and i intended to find out why.
Ronnie ?
( Coughing )
Ronnie !
Ronwell !
Ronnie !
Terry.
I thought you Was in hawaii.
A lot of people think A lot of things about hawaii.
( Audience laughing )
Ronnie, i'm going to Put it to you bluntly--
How long have you Been not drinking ?
Terry, i drink All the time !
You know me. Come on !
No, you come on, ronnie ! What's in this ?
Terry, come on, That's my cocaine.
Bullshit, ronnie. It's fucking baking soda !
Ronnie, i'm going to Read you a letter
I received the other day.
Terry, i--
"Dear mr. Dobbs, My name is lamar.
"I am 8 years old. I am your biggest fan.
"How come you are Not so drunk anymore ?
"What's wrong ? Are you sick ?
"My daddy says you were Never really drunk,
"But just a Hollywood phony.
"I told him he was Wrong, and he beat The shit out of me.
"Love, lamar.
"P.S. Please start Drinking again soon."
Ronnie, i've got 12 sacks Of these back at my office.
Look in the mirror.
What do you see ?
( Sobbing )
A monster !
But i don't care !
I don't care ! People don't Know how hard it is, terry.
They don't know What it takes
To put on these Little shows.
I mean, jesus, bob,
Look at our Working conditions.
I mean, fuck, hbo spent More money on fraggle rock.
Look at this place.
You know, this is Supposed to be a mansion ?
Look at this. Did steve and eydie have A yard sale or something ?
Look at this.
We're performing in a Restaurant, for christ's sake.
Here, show 'em. Here.
Look at that. Look at this, everybody.
There it is, right there.
"Wingdings and things. $3.50."
Isn't the reason We're down here
And living in this shitty city
Because there's Studios everywhere ?
Ok, good, all right.
You know, i'm sorry. I'm sorry, terry,
But ronnie dobbs Has to do
What's best For ronnie dobbs.
And if that means drying out With kelsey grammer,
Then so be it.
You know what You are, terry ?
British ?
You're an enabler !
You are an enabler !
Now, get out of my house !
Yeah, go on and leave, You british frog !
( Terry ) we parted ways, and i was at a loss
as to how i would make more money off ronnie.
and then, a stroke of luck-- he died !
and i sold his life story to the movies.
Ronnie ?
Ronnie dobbs ? Is that you ?
Terry...
Ronnie, i can't Believe this.
It is you !
How far We've fallen !
Oh, we can still Do it, ronnie--
You and i, Together. Come on,
We'll buy a bottle Of cheap wine,
We'll raise a ruckus--
Terry, no !
I did not want to have to Reveal this to you, but--
What's this ? A doctor's note ?
You're dying !
I'm dying.
I've got Entitilitus !
Damn this entitilitus !
How serious is it ?
They say i could go At any minute.
Oh !
No, no, i'm all right.
I've got you.
I'm all right. ( Chuckling )
Oh !
( Groaning )
Actually, no, wait--
Oh, oh, god !
( Laughing )
Oh.
Ronnie ?
( Screaming ) Ronnie !
ronnie !
My scream went on For 2 hours,
And i set a new world Record for screaming.
I received a letter From the president,
And a baked carrot from the Society for unpleasant gifts.
I opened a screaming school In upstate new york--
And time !
Really ?
Yeah, the lady Said 30 minutes.
All right, let's check.
Oh, my goodness.
( Gasping ) Aw !
Oh, yay !
Hey, guys, Come on out !
Yeah, check this out. Check it out.
Hey, the pants Worked.
Aww !
Man, those pants !
The pants worked.
tonight's show was brought to you
by o'henderson's incubation pants.
dark, warm, with plenty of "egg room."
o'henderson's-- the pants that get you chicks !