# Just you #
# Just me #
# Let's find a cozy spot #
# Where no one can see #
# Just us #
# Just we #
# We've missed an awful lot #
# What bliss it'll be #
# Oh, gee #
# What are your charms for #
# What are my arms for #
# Use your imagination #
# Just you #
# Just me #
# We'll tie a lover's knot #
# Just say you love me #
# Just he #
# Just she #
# And what a perfect plot #
# Just say you love me #
# Oh, gee #
# Oh, my It's finally springtime #
- # Ooo # - # Birds on the wing-time #
# And what a lovely day for love #
- # Just me # - # Just you #
- # Just me #
# A bit of paradise #
# Right here for us two #
# Just you #
# Just me #
# Let's find a cozy spot #
# Where no one can see #
- # Just us # - # Just the two of us #
- # Just we # - # Mighty few of us #
# We've missed an awful lot #
# What bliss it'll be #
# Just you #
# Just me #
# We'll tie a lover's knot #
# Just say you love me ##
[Girl Narrating] That's my sister Skylar and her boyfriend Holden.
And that's me. Well, I'm Djuna. D-J-U-N-A.
Oh, and everyone calls me D.J.
Now, I'm gonna level with ya.
We are not the typical kind of family you'd find in a musical comedy.
For one thing, we got dough.
And we live right here on Park Avenue in a big apartment; a penthouse.
Dad's a lawyer. I mean, I call him "Dad," but actually he's stepdad.
There's original Dad who married Mom and they had me.
And there's stepdad. Well, he had two kids with his first wife when...
Look, maybe this is all getting a little confusing.
You see, there's Lane and Laura.
Those are my half-sisters, and they're really great.
A little twitty at times, but we love each other...
and we have a million laughs together.
And, of course, my stepbrother Scott, who's very smart...
but currently on the outs with the family...
because he's become a conservative Republican...
which has caused my stepfather to have a stroke...
since we're all liberal Democrats.
How can you expect people on welfare...
to develop any sort of incentives if they're getting handouts?
What are you saying? Somebody who can't work for one reason or another has to be discarded?
Welfare does not work. It's the same outmoded liberal fantasy world...
as affirmative action, not allowing school prayer and coddling of criminals.
I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my own flesh and blood.
Unless some large Republican pea pods are in the basement and have taken over your body.
Not pods, Dad. Ideas.
Virile, modern ideas.
A strong America. The right to bear arms.
- Arms? What are you... Guns? - Yes!
Are you crazy? What the hell is the matter with you? I don't understand you anymore.
- Why... Wait a minute. Excuse me. - Relax, Bob.
Steffi, bring down a copy of my will and an eraser, okay?
[D.J. Narrating] If Dad's a liberal Democrat,
then you'd have to say Mom is the one thing more extreme.
She's a guilty liberal Democrat.
Well, he grew up poor and he knows what it is to work like a dog.
But Mom came from money and luxury...
and, you know, spends all her time doing volunteer work for everybody.
She's with the American Civil Liberties Union and Save the Whales...
and she raises dough for the Whitney Museum and Lenox Hill Hospital.
She's always got something going,
like throwing some chic soiree to help the New York Philharmonic.
## [Piano]
## [Violin Joins In]
[D.J. Narrating] Lane and Laura go to Nightingale,
which is this ritzy school on East 92nd Street.
[All Chattering Simultaneously]
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, my God, there he is.
- He is so gorgeous. - Who is he?
[Lane] We don't know, but we always see him around this neighborhood.
- She's in love from afar. - I'm sure we can think of a way to get her to meet him.
Please, no humiliating schemes.
[Lane Chattering]
You guys, my mom is in there with a patient.
[D.J. Narrating] Claire's their best friend. Her mom's a shrink on Central Park West.
Years ago, Claire drilled a secret hole in the wall,
and we get our kicks after school sometimes kinda tuning in on her clientele.
I've been having these fantasies about... other men,
and, uh... you know,
it makes me feel bad and, um,
you know, guilty.
Oh, I ha... Um, I had that elevator dream... again.
And, um, I'm in the elevator...
and... it just keeps going up...
and up and up.
[D.J. Narrating] Now you have to meet Grandpa.
Eighty-eight years old.
Found him at Grand Central Station.
- He thought he was at the Botanical Gardens. - Thanks.
[D.J. Narrating] You have to keep your eye on him.
Last year he wandered out of the bathroom in a towel...
and got on line in Times Square.
We had to send Frieda to get him back. Oh, she's our maid.
Personally, I think she was Hitler's maid at Berchtesgaden,
but she's the only one who can handle Grandpa.
[Frieda Speaking German]
I found your arch supports in the stew! Whatever were they doing in the stew?
- Hi, Grandpa. Hi, Frieda. - [Speaking German]
[D.J. Narrating] Finally, there's my dad, who lives in Paris but visits a lot.
You see, he and my stepdad are great friends.
And if you ask me, he still has a crush on Mom, although they've been divorced for years.
They're all friends, though, and they come to each other with problems.
I can't believe it. Giselle left me.
Look at this face. She left me with my best friend, suddenly, out of left field.
- She didn't give any warning? - Nothing at all. Look at that.
Did you ever see anything... I'm so distraught over this, I can't tell you.
- I'm gonna kill myself. - [Bob] Ohhh.
I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead.
In fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier,
which would be perfect.
Or... Wait a minute. With the time change,
I could be alive for six hours in New York, but dead three hours in Paris.
- Sit down. Relax. - I could get things done and I could also be dead.
You didn't hear the signs. She must've given you some signs, Joe.
What do you think I am, an idiot? What kind of signs you think she gave me?
I found this photo in her underwear drawer? She muttered his name when making love?
- I'm not talking about that. - No, that's what happened.
- What? Joe! - I didn't see it. I couldn't put it together.
I'm really glad you didn't marry her. I told you, don't do it.
- I would've been happy to marry her. - I'm really glad.
You want a glass of something? Some wine?
I'll take anything. I gotta have a drink. Know what the sad part is?
- I thought everything was going well. - You always pick the wrong women.
- Hey, I picked you. - Yeah, we got divorced.
- 'Cause you were impossible to live with. - I was impossible to live with?
I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be...
a psychoanalyst or a writer.
So, I compromised. I became a writer and a patient.
We're gonna find you somebody. We... We know a lot of people.
- Can't we find somebody? - I've been trying since we got divorced...
to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality.
But I'm beginning... Honey, bring another glass.
I'm beginning to wonder if the world population of women isn't too limited.
- Thank you. - Well, I mean...
- You've had really bad luck. - No, he hasn't. He's had an unerring sense of poor choice.
And the question is, does he want to spend his golden years with somebody or not?
- What, are you into my golden years suddenly? - Yes.
- You have to think about those things. - Men age differently than women.
- Two more years, I'm gonna look like your son. - Oh, that was so mean.
- [Laughing] - Don't you laugh.
Don't talk about my golden years. She's got me in a home already.
What about Madeline? After me.
Madeline was won... Madeline was an archaeologist. She was fabulous.
Madeline was a nymphomaniac.
Yeah, okay, she had a little problem with fidelity.
- I didn't happen to see it. But she was a brilliant woman. - What about Carol?
Remember Carol what's-her-name?
- Carol was a poet, and a member of MENSA. - She was a heroin addict.
She was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin.
- You know what the problem is? Listen. - This is the problem.
- He's still in love with you. I've always said this. - Oh, honey.
Who can blame him? Of course he is.
- Ah, come here. Come here, my two men. - That's the problem.
Two men. I'm pining after Giselle.
We're gonna get somebody who's nearly normal.
I don't know if we're gonna get somebody. This is the problem.
- Hey. - [D.J.] Hey.
Hey. What's all the secrecy about? Why Harry Winstons?
Listen... I want you to help me pick out an engagement ring for Skylar.
- Congratulations. - Thanks.
[Salesman] So, you're looking for an engagement ring?
We're getting married.
Uh, I'm getting married. Not to her.
Now, what size did you have in mind?
- What size? - Uh-huh.
Oh, um... Well, she's not huge.
I mean, she's not bony either. She's got flesh.
Something simple, but elegant?
- That's it. - Simple, but elegant. Exactly. [Whispering]
- Like this one. - Oh, my God, that's beautiful. That is beautiful.
- Look at that. - That's the mos beautiful thing I ever saw. Hello.
So, what is that gonna cost me? I like it.
- Fifty-five thousand. - Fifty-five thousand dollars, you say?
Uh, well, let me take this off then because...
I don't think that... Actually, as I look at it, it's really...
To Skylar's taste, it's kind of... tacky. She's not a mafia bride.
- Will you help me out? - Here's a lovely one.
- That is... That is pretty. - Pretty simple.
[Clears Throat] Well, I don't...
What is that gonna cost me? About fifteen-hundred, 2,000?
- Eight thousand. - Eight thousand dollars.
- Um... - It's more in the ball park.
- It's in the range. - It's the right neighborhood.
- Not my neighborhood, but... [Exhales] - But it's a better neighborhood.
What the hell. Right? 'Cause we're getting married. Let's do it.
- It's pretty. - I think it's an absolutely exquisite ring.
# My baby don't care for rings #
# Or other expensive things #
# My baby just cares for me #
# My baby don't go for big Rolls-Royces #
# There's sometimes a doubt about her choices #
# My baby don't care to own #
# Some 14-karat stone #
# She's sensible as can be #
# My baby don't care who knows it #
# My baby just cares for me #
# He's so happy since the day #
# He fell in love in a great big way #
# And the big surprise is someone loves him too #
# It's difficult for us to see #
# Just what she could possibly see in he #
# But it simply goes to prove what love can do #
# His baby don't care for shows #
# His baby don't care for clothes #
# My baby just cares for me #
# Nobody else will do #
# His baby don't care for furs and laces #
# His baby don't care for going to the races or high-tone places #
- # My baby's not much for sports # - # Gets out of sorts #
- # Like runnin' 'round tennis courts # - # No, no #
# I must say I'm glad that she #
# He's glad to say that she #
# Has made such a fine selection #
# My baby just cares for me #
# His baby just cares for #
# My baby just cares for me #
# His baby just His baby just #
# My baby just cares for me ##
Mrs. Holden Spence.
Skylar Spence! I love the sound of that.
- He's taking her to Le Cirque for dinner tonight. - Le Cirque? No kidding.
- He's gonna propose. - I don't wanna blow my own horn here,
- but I'm the one who introduced them. - We've heard it.
I did! He came to work at our law firm...
The first day he was there, I said, " This kid is great!
His feet are on the ground. He's perfect for her."
Frieda, the pasta has no sauce.
It's Bavarian pasta! It doesn't need any sauce! Italian pasta needs sauce.
- The Italians were weak! - Okay, fine. Just gimme some pepper.
I cannot understand you!
Your solution to rampant crime is let criminals go free?
- [Mother] No, Charles Ferry deserves a parole. - What? What is this?
Are you kidding me? You want somebody like this out on the streets?
"Armed robbery, assault, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted escape."
- Scott, he was an abused child. - [Dad] Have a little compassion.
He went to prison his whole entire life because he had a horrible childhood,
which is something you know nothing about.
- Then one mistake after the other. - [Scott] One mistake?
Yes. It leads to bad crime, corrupt... I don't wanna discuss this with you.
- I can't listen to any of this! - I can't stand this.
- I need my wallet. - Where are you going?
- Up to the Polo Grounds. - No, no, no.
- Giants and Cardinals are having a doubleheader. - Pop, you can't go out.
- If you wanna take a walk, you gotta go with Frieda. - Good idea.
- But they're playing today. This is Labor Day. - [Laura] It's June, Grandpa.
- It's June. - The Polo Grounds closed years ago.
- Frieda, just take him for a short walk. - Rained out?
- I'm not going with Frieda. - All right, okay.
- I'm not going with her. I don't need a German shepherd. - Take a nice walk.
- You know what the kids tell me? - German shepherd. I feel so...
They think that Holden is gonna give a little surprise to Skylar tonight.
If you keep gossiping about it, there's gonna be no surprise.
- Honey, please... - I'm going out.
- Have a nice time. - If Minnie calls, tell her I went to the Polo Grounds.
[Laura] Minnie's been dead for 20 years, Grandpa.
I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying if she calls, I'll be home later.
You know, 21 is too young to get married,
but if this was anybody but Holden, I'd be against it.
Well, there's no way I'm getting married 'til I'm 35 and I've lived,
...and then I'll probably move in with a woman. - Why do you make these jokes?
- You like Holden, right? - Yeah, yeah.
The problem isn't Holden, it's Skylar. She's a romantic twit.
- Yeah. Her problem with Holden is he's not romantic. - So what?
- She's gonna marry him, right? - [Lane] I hope so. I want her room when she does.
I'm serious. I don't see any reason why he should not leap at this guy.
Skylar suffers from "white knight" syndrome.
Ever since her hormones kicked in,
she's been waiting for some charismatic figure...
to come and sweep her off her feet.
So Holden is that young Lochinvar.
- He's that young schnook. - He's a schnook, but he's a loveable schnook.
- He's wonderful, and you... - What an embarrassment. I'm never bringing a guy home.
- You have to listen. - In the first place...
# I'm a dreamer #
# Aren't we all #
# Just a dreamer #
# Aren't we all #
# In my dreams #
# Each night it seems #
# My sweetheart comes #
# To call #
# He's so charming #
# Strong and tall #
# It's alarming #
# How I fall #
# He's ideal #
# But then he isn't real #
# And I'm a fool #
# But aren't we all ##
- I've been thinking. Can I tell you how I see us? - How?
[Chuckles] Okay, well, we get married...
and we live near my parents in Sharon.
Oh, I could never leave New York.
We leave my parents in Sharon. We'd live in New York, of course.
It's just, at some point, we may want a little more space if we have four kids.
I want two children.
Two kids is... Two is perfect! Two is... Two is perfect for me.
Because four is really a lot.
[Clears Throat] And you'll be able to stay at home with them and...
No, I'll be working.
I mean, when not working full-time.
Of course, you're gonna have a career: journalism.
- Architecture. - [Sighs]
Architecture? Since when?
I don't know. It's just some thoughts I've had.
Thoughts you... You majored in journalism, but...
[Clears Throat] The point is... The important thing is...
I think we agree with each other on just about everything.
[Clears Throat] Shall I bring the dessert, sir?
Oh, is... It's time for dessert. Yes, it is.
Will you excuse me for one second? I'll just attend to a small matter.
- It's ready just as you wished, Mr. Spence. - You think it's gonna work?
- Here we are, sir. - Oh, look at... That's... That's perfect.
- I'm glad you liked it. - Now, let me show you my end of the deal.
- Whoo! That's a honey, huh? - Oh-ho. Oh, yes.
Look at that. It set me back just a little bit.
It's a brilliant idea, sir. Very romantic.
- Yes, well, that's the kind of guy I am. - Oh, I can see that.
- I'm just gonna lay that right down there. - [Chuckling]
- Is that gonna knock her socks off? I think so. - Yes, sir. Shall we?
- I'm relying on you, Umberto. - Good luck, sir.
Is everything okay?
- All taken care of. - Shall we order dessert?
- I took the liberty. - You did?
I know you like a take-charge kind of guy and I'm comin' through for you.
- It's not like you. [Gasps] - Anything for you.
- Umberto, will you please do the honors? - Parfait!
- Certainly, sir. - Oh, mmm!
Oh, my God, it's delicious! And peach, my favorite flavor.
- It's delicious. - What are you doing? Stop it!
- What are you doing? - Where's the rest of the dessert?
- What do you mean? - Where the whipped cream and the cherry are.
- I ate it. - You ate the ring?
- What ring? - Honey, I bought you a diamond ring!
- You did? - I went to Harry Winston's.
- Where is it? - I put it in the parfait.
- Why? - I thought it would be romantic!
You thought it would be romantic to put a ring on ice cream?
- This was not my idea. This was D.J.'s idea! - D.J.?
She said it would give it dramatic flair. I don't believe this.
I ate a diamond ring?
I turn around for two seconds and there's $8,000 going down your throat.
- I swallowed a... Oh, my God! - Take it easy. Stay calm.
- How big was it? - It was tasteful, believe me.
- It was a big rock. - I swallowed a what? A karat?
- It was a karat and a half, easily. - You'd like two carrots?
- I'm dying! - You're not dying!
- Something wrong, sir? - She just swallowed a little jewelry. It's all right.
- How could you? - How could I?
- Most people look at their food before they lunge into it. - [Choking]
- Let me check your mouth. - [Gagging]
I don't think this is going to present much of a problem.
It's lodged in an accessible place.
It's an absolutely beautiful ring! A solitaire.
A classic. A brilliant choice. Congratulations.
Oh, congratulations, girl. It is beautiful.
Katie! Katie, look. She got engaged.
- So, uh, what is it, about two karats? - No, a karat and a half.
- White gold? - No, it's solid platinum.
- Solid? - Harry Winston's.
- What'd you pay? - Eight thousand.
I can get this same ring for you for six from my brother-in-law.
I am so happy for you! He is a wonderful man.
Yeah. Am I gonna scar?
# Doctors look at X-rays but they seldom grin #
# I am always on the outside looking in #
# Maybe that is why I see the funny side #
# When I see a fallen brother take a bride #
# Weddings make a lot of people sad #
# But if you're not the groom #
# You're not so bad #
# Another bride Another groom #
# Another sunny honeymoon #
# Another season Another reason #
# For makin' whoopee #
# A lot of shoes A lot of rice #
# The groom is nervous He answers twice #
# It's really killing That he's so willing #
# To make whoopee #
# Picture a little love nest #
# Down where the roses cling #
# Picture the same sweet love nest #
# Think what a year can bring #
# He's washing dishes and baby clothes #
# He's so ambitious He even sews #
# But don't forget, folks That's what you get, folks #
# For makin' whoopee #
# Just for makin' whoopee #
# He's washing dishes and baby clothes #
# He's so ambitious He even sews #
# But don't forget, folks #
# That's what you get, folks ##
[D.J. Narrating] Summer came and Lane and Laura got jobs at the Metropolitan Museum...
and spent weekends at the beach.
Mom put together a group of artists and writers...
to petition for the parole of Charles Ferry,
her new pet cause.
She even visited the prison and was just appalled by the conditions.
What we need are open prisons.
Space. Space where the damaged human spirit can heal.
I say give them an opportunity to participate...
in decorating their own cells with their own personal decorators.
And better cuisine. European menus.
[D.J. Narrating] As for me, well, over the years I was used to splitting summers up;
July with Mom in New York and August with Dad in Europe.
Usually it was Paris, but this time he took me to Venice.
Well, I think he still wanted to get over memories of Giselle dumping him.
Well, all I can say is, if we're gonna talk about romantic cities...
I mean, they've got the most gorgeous guys there...
and they can't keep their hands off you.
It's great. The whole first week was just heaven for me.
I was just having a ball, sailing around on gondolas.
But Dad, well, he just seemed to hang around the hotel.
Giselle was still haunting him.
# I'm thru with love #
# I'll never fall again #
# Said adieu to love #
# Don't ever call again #
# For I must have you #
# Or no one #
# And so I'm thru #
# With love #
# I've locked my heart #
# I'll keep my feelings there #
# I've stocked my heart #
# With icy, frigid air #
# And I mean to fall #
# For no one #
# Because I'm thru with love ##
I just feel so guilty. I mean, I'm having all the luck.
- You should have fun. - I am.
I still can't figure out what went wrong with Giselle.
You know, I always thought she was a little flighty.
- You want a drink? I'm gonna have a beer. - Yeah. A Bellini.
- Let me give you this advice. - Mm-hmm.
In life, when a relationship breaks up that you're in... I hope they don't...
- Thank you. - It's better to be the leaver than the "leavee."
'Cause the leaver leaves, but the "leavee" is left, and it's terrible.
The worst that happens to the leaver is a little survivor guilt,
and survivor guilt is the worst thing that should ever happen to you.
Yeah? Well, tomorrow I'll spend with you.
- It's not necessary, really. - No, it's okay.
Don't turn around. That's the couple. Don't turn around.
- Who? - I told you about her. I watched her check in the other day.
She's really lovely, but I think married.
- Isn't she... - Oh, my God!
- She's beautiful, right? - I know who she is.
You're kidding?
Why didn't I think of it? She's perfect for you.
How could she be perfect for me? She's married.
No, she's not happily married. You'd love her.
Tell me, who is she? How do you know her?
My friend's mother is her shrink. I know everything about her.
- You're kidding. What's her name? - I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know? Stop teasing me. - I'm serious.
- Who is she? - She's an art historian and she's here to see the Tintorettos.
- Yeah? - You know what I'm thinking?
- You got that look on your face. - This is perfect.
- She jogs every morning alone. - Yeah?
You could go and bump into her and meet her.
No, thank you. She's a married woman.
I'm telling you, she's not happily married.
- Mm-hmm? - Complete mismatch. The guy's some actor.
Anyway, it won't interfere tomorrow because he sleeps late,
so you'll have no problem.
You can meet her. She'll definitely be alone. I know this for a fact.
It's perfect.
I'm out of shape. I can't jog. I can't do it.
I haven't touched my treadmill in weeks... 572 weeks. That's 11 years.
- I wheeze. Stop looking at me like that. - No.
- I'm not gonna do this. - We're gonna get you some jogging clothes.
- She is really something. - Tomorrow morning... you're gonna jog.
- Oh, sorry. - Sorry.
- Are you okay? - Yes. Are you all right?
- Yeah. - You don't happen to know which way the Gritti is?
Uh... I think it's back that way.
- [Panting] Over there? - Yeah.
- 'Cause jogging in Venice, everything is so serpen... - Labyrinthine.
- Labyrinthine! - Yes. You okay?
[Panting] Yes, I'm fine.
You gotta keep in shape. I jog every day. You?
- Yes, I do. - You an American?
- I... Yeah. - It's a great country, isn't it?
- It's beautiful. - The mountains and the prairies.
- Oh, Amer... Yeah, America. - The oceans, you know, white with foam and everything.
So... [Groans]
- Are you okay? You okay? - Yes.
- Sit down. - No, I'm okay. [Coughs]
- I'm okay. - Yeah?
I have a pain in my chest that's radiating down my arm.
- That's your heart. - No. In my case, it's stress. I get it every other day.
- Okay. Breathe. - What is your name?
- Von! Oh, here you are. - Hi.
I was just giving him directions. Are you okay?
- Okay. You said you wanted to do three miles. Come on. - You okay?
- Yes, I'm fine. - Breathe, breathe.
Nice shoes.
[Panting] First I nearly drop dead. I couldn't breathe.
Then her husband showed up.
Her husband did come, huh? That's rare.
Rare? So is a coronary thrombosis in our family.
Oh, did you get her name?
Von. Vonnie.
Listen, she's passionate about Tintoretto. She's working on a book about him.
Obviously she's here to visit the Scuola Grande di San Rocco.
I don't know what all this means. What are all these art books?
She'll be at the Scuola. He won't. They have nothing in common.
You bump into her again. Now the groundwork's been laid.
You say, " Hello. Didn't we meet jogging?"
I was the guy who had the sudden stroke.
Then you impress her with your knowledge of her favorite painter.
Hey, you gotta be kidding. My knowledge of art is limited...
to Kirk Douglas as Vincent van Gogh.
- What the hell do I know about this? - Trust me, Dad.
Before we leave Venice, your lips will be pressed to hers.
Yes. Unfortunately, I left my Chapstick in New York.
What is this? "The rapidity of his brush strokes..."
"Chiaroscuro outbursts of color..."
[D.J. Narrating] I told Dad everything I knew about Von...
and he studied his Tintoretto book.
I told him her likes, her dislikes, her deepest feelings,
everything from her passion for Bora Bora and "Mahler's Fourth Symphony"...
to her favorite flower: the African daisy.
I mean, it was everything.
When he showed up at the Tintoretto Museum that afternoon,
he could've given a course on the subject.
- Hello again. - Hi. Goodness.
You lived. How are you? I was concerned.
Oh, no, I was fine. I just went back to the hotel before...
and had the concierge... oil my pacemaker.
- [Chuckles] - You know, I... Incidentally, my name is Joe Berlin.
Vonnie Sydell.
It's a funny coincidence I see you here.
You know, two New Yorkers jogging in Venice and we bump into each other.
- How did you know I was a New Yorker? - No, I didn't.
But, you know, I, like, assumed that, you know...
You're completely correct to ask that question.
It's a good question. You should not be ashamed of it.
Well, I live on 84th and Riverside. Where in New York do you live?
In Paris. Well, I-I was a New Yorker, but now I settled in Paris.
But I come back to New York all the time 'cause I love it there.
What brings you here?
Oh, I wouldn't think of being in Venice without checking out the Tintorettos,
because he was... he's my favorite... master in the world.
I just adore his work. I'm crazy about it.
He was a very deep genius.
The deepest. Th-The rapidity of his brush work.
Th-The chiaroscuro... outbursts of color.
His capacity for controlled gesture.
[Clears Throat] Born in 1519, only to die again in 1594,
but that's... the way it happens to most of us.
So you have a real appreciation of his work.
How could I not have an appreciation of a man who was short in stature...
but with a proud and obstinate nature,
who painted outside the, the academic convention...
of 16th century Venice? [Chuckles]
What do you do, Mr. Berlin?
You can call me Joe. I'm-I'm-I'm a writer. Novelist, mostly.
Joe Berlin. I saw one of your books.
I did. I remember it. It had a very sexy cover.
It was at the stalls on Fifth Avenue, the 99-cent bin.
Well, you know, probably... [Clears Throat] the get-acquainted price.
- Oh. - They'll do that sometimes.
In the United States, I'm considered controversial,
but in Paris, where they have an ear for literature, I...
You know, they were quick to recognize the genius...
of Poe and Faulkner and myself.
Well, basically, you see, I'm a simple guy.
My idea is just to live in Paris and maybe, you know,
fall in love and...
and take walks, uh, in the rain...
and-and, uh, listen to music,
like, uh, particularly, maybe "Mahler's Fourth."
- This could be me talking. "Mahler's Fourth" destroys me. - Could it?
Ah, yes, "Mahler's Fourth," no question.
I... I... See, I'm not... I'm not a, uh...
what you'd call a, uh, uh, a technology guy.
- I hate technology. - I know. I could tell by looking at you.
I-I-I, uh... I'm... I still work on...
one of those old-fashioned antique portable typewriters that-that...
Are you telling me you haven't succumbed to the cerebral computer age?
[Scoffs] You know, I'm telling you, I like the simple life.
I like to sit in my room in Paris and write,
maybe visit New York a certain amount in the summertime.
Maybe spend some time some place romantic, like, um, Bora Bora.
I... I love Bora Bora.
Since the first time I went there, I can't get it out of my mind.
Well, naturally. You know, it's beautiful.
At night, the stars are so luminous you can practically...
- Read by them. - read by them.
Yes. Are you okay?
A little mist appeared in your eye then.
I thought you were gonna cry. I swear, I thought you were gonna cry.
No, I'm, uh... I'm okay.
- Are you sure? Is something wrong? - No, um...
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. Something's so exactly right.
- Yes? - Yeah.
Wait here one second. I'll be right back.
# All my life #
# I've been waiting for you #
# My wonderful one #
# I've begun living #
# All my life #
# All my love #
# Has been waiting for you #
# My life is sublime #
# Now that I'm giving #
# All my love ##
I got you a present.
An African daisy. This is my favorite.
You know, what are you doing tonight?
I think Greg and I have plans.
- [Door Opening] - Hey, how'd it go?
She was absolutely great. Whatever you told me was right on the money.
- I feel guilty. - Why?
Because, you know, I made her cry. She said that she felt close to me.
So? You've established a beachhead. Now you go on and win the battle.
Don't forget to blow on her back between her shoulder blades. It makes her crazy.
Hey, I'm not gonna do that.
What goes on between her and her shrink is private.
What are you gonna do, give me a map of her erogenous zones?
- Dad, are you seeing her tonight? - No, she's married!
Listen, I'm not that guy. I don't know Bora Bora from Walla Walla.
What the hell do I know about Tintoretto?
I can't tell the difference between his chiaroscuro and his segretto sauce.
Don't forget to blow between her shoulder blades.
I'm not gonna blow between her shoulder blades.
Plus, I use a word processor, not a typewriter.
I hope you have something great to wear tonight, 'cause we're going to a party.
A party? I...
I wanna introduce you to someone.
- Dad. - [Kisses Cheek]
This is Alberto.
- Hi, how are you? - Nice to meet you.
Who are all these people? This is, uh...
- Venetians. Friends, guests in town. - Yes?
Did your enjoy your staying in Venice?
Fabulous. It's the best. Absolutely the best. She'll tell you.
Dad, I wanted you to meet Alberto because I think you should be the first to know:
We're getting married.
Wonderful. Let me know what century, I'll rent a tux.
This January.
- Pardon me? - This January.
This January. [Chuckles] You're joking, of course.
I am in love with Djuna.
We all love this little girl because she's adorable.
But... But you are... This is a jest.
It is January 15, to be exact. It's his mother's birthday.
- A joke. A jest, right? Am I right? - Not at all.
Excuse... Excuse me one second. Come on.
I just wanna talk to you for a minute. Come over here. Just for a second. Right here.
What are you talking about? Tell me this is a joke.
Otherwise, there's gonna be carnage.
We're crazy about each other.
How can you be crazy... You met this guy... five days ago.
- So? - What do you mean, so? Are you having a breakdown?
Why, because I'm in love?
What do you mean, you're in love? With what? What does he do?
- He's a gondolier. - A... No, thank you.
- He's one of those guys with the striped shirt and the hat? - No hat.
- What do you mean, no hat? - He doesn't wear a hat.
This is crazy. What are you, you know... Talk to me.
- Are you gonna... Are you talking about getting married? - Yes.
- That's insanity. - Why is it insanity?
Because you have to go to school. You're gonna go back to Columbia.
You're gonna major in journalism or law, not... not rowing.
People have dropped out of Columbia before. It's been done.
You are not going to run off with a guy...
who you just met and who's a gondolier.
- He's a poet. - He's a poet?
Let me tell you what rhymes with gondolier: no lira.
- Okay? So, forget it. - Oh, God, Dad.
- Hi. - Hi. Hello, again.
- My God, what a coincidence. - This is, uh... Joe, Greg.
- Hi. How do you do? - Hi.
- Were you... You were running this morning... with the heart? - That was me.
Have you seen Bernardo Bertolucci? Is he here?
I wouldn't recognize him 'cause it's a madhouse in there.
- Do you mind if I go ahead? If you want to talk. Okay. - It's an absolute madhouse.
I'll get you a drink.
- Incredible. I mean... - Is it?
Have you seen this place? I was just going home. It's unbelievable.
- They have a... The whole thing is like it's an old palazzo. - Oh, wow.
- And it's really, really beautiful. - [Gasps]
But, you know, frantic in there.
- Hey, you look great. - Oh.
I wish you wouldn't say things like that.
- Why? - I don't know. I can't take a compliment.
You look terrific. Why not? I'm sorry.
No, it's my problem. [Laughs]
- Why? Does it make you feel guilty? - Uh, maybe. I don't know.
You seem to have all the answers, don't you?
I think it makes you feel guilty.
I think that you must have fantasies of maybe somebody coming along that...
You probably have dreams about boats...
or... ships, maybe,
or maybe even, you know, like an elevator that...
You're on an elevator and it goes higher and higher to the top floor...
and then it doesn't stop at the top,
it just goes right through the roof...
and it just sort of flies you over the ocean.
I think I'm gonna faint. I do.
- Are you okay? - Uh, uh, no.
I'm... I'm a little overwhelmed...
and I'm glad you're leaving tomorrow.
[Blowing]
[D.J. Narrating] The next morning, we left Venice.
Dad made a flight to Paris and I went to New York.
I couldn't wait to tell Mom about marrying Alberto.
He was so beautiful, so sensitive.
My plan was to drop out of Columbia after the fall term and move to Italy.
- Uh, excuse me. That's mine. - No, it's...
Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's not mine.
- It's okay. We both like shopping at Hunting World. - That's where I got it.
- Oh, God, now I know it's mine. - It's all right. I'll give you a hand.
- Thanks. - Um... your bra.
- [Chuckles] Thank you. Yeah. - Underwear.
Petrarch's sonnets. What do you do?
Um, depends who the guy is. No, just kidding.
Um, I actua... 'Cause I work for the Colombian drug cartel.
- Yeah, I gift wrap the cocaine. - Mm-hmm.
Why am I so nervous? I'm a student at Columbia.
- Oh, is that right? My uncle teaches there. - No.
Yeah. Math Department. I'm, uh, Ken Grisley.
Djuna Berlin.
[D.J. Narrating] Did I really want to spend my life making pasta...
and riding around in gondolas?
To tell you the truth, those canals are awfully polluted.
I mean, Alberto was cute,
but Ken was... hot.
# Cuddle up a little closer #
# Lovey mine #
# Cuddle up and be my little #
# Clinging vine #
# I like to feel your cheeks so rosy #
# Like to make you comfy-cozy #
# 'Cause I love from head to toesy #
# Lovey mine #
## [Singing In Hindi]
## [Both Singing In Hindi]
[D.J. Narrating] While I'd been away, an awful lot had happened.
Mom bought Skylar a drop-dead wedding dress,
and Holden's father and my stepdad became friends.
They discovered a common interest: horse racing.
So, they chipped in and bought a thoroughbred.
And Lane and Laura had a great time at the beach.
But one hot summer weekend, with everyone else in New York away,
they found themselves in town.
- So, we're probably the only ones left in the city this weekend. - Yeah.
We usually go to South Hampton, but this weekend we had tickets to a show.
I love the city when it's empty.
- Me too. - Me too.
[D.J. Narrating] To make a long story short, they've all become close.
His name... if you can believe it... is Jeffrey Vandermost,
and he's heir to the Vandermost millions.
Meanwhile, they're both in love with him, and one of them's heading for a broken heart.
[D.J. Narrating] Fall was particularly beautiful this year.
I think I like it even better than spring,
and with October comes Mom's birthday.
This year we invited Holden's parents over to celebrate,
but just before they arrived we had an unexpected visitor.
That's a gorgeous color.
- Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you, sweetie.
- These are from your ex-husband, my biological father. - Oh! Joe!
- Oh, look, everybody! - You know what that is? That's caviar.
Frieda, could you put this on ice? Nothing like sturgeon eggs.
- Are you expecting Mr. Ferry? - I am, yes.
- [Bob] You are? - Charles Ferry?
He just got out of prison. He has no family. I figured, you know...
- So he can join our family? - What?
- You're letting a criminal come into this house? - He's paid his debt to society.
Don't start. I don't wanna hear this.
No! Society forgave him his debts. He did not pay his debt to society.
How did I wind up with a kid on the other end of the political spectrum from me?
- Where did I fail? - You didn't fail, Dad.
- If I was you, I'd start hiding the silverware. - Don't be rude, Scott.
- [Doorbell Rings] - He's coming over for just a drink.
[Steffi] You guys have everything.
Mr. Ferry, hi. I'm... I'm Bob Dandridge. This is my wife Steffi.
Hello, Mr. Ferry. Welcome to our home. Welcome.
I'd like you to meet my daughter Skylar.
- Hello. Nice to meet you. - This is Skylar and her fiance Holden.
[Clears Throat] I'm... I'm the fiance.
- Uh, can I get you something to dr... - Nobody gets behind me.
- [Nervous Chuckle] - Right. Okay. Sure.
- Uh, can I get you something to drink? - Uh, vodka.
Right. Maybe, uh, on the... Uh, or, or...
- Maybe right in the arm. - Just... Just...
I'll, I'll get you a... Straight up.
Honey, Mr. Perr... Mr. Ferry. Sorry.
Uh, he's been living amongst vicious killers. No wonder he's skittish.
- A lot of times a guy'll come up behind ya and... Swish! - "Swish"?
You get your blade out quick, you stick it in him, or you're dead.
- Ahh. - The blade. The blade.
H-Have you stuck a lot of other inmates, Mr. Ferry?
- [Doorbell Rings] - Enough.
- Uh, the d... the doorbell. - That's enough for me.
- How many is "enough"? - How is that?
- Would you like another one? - Oh, it's your parents.
- Hi! Hello. How are you? - Ohh!
- Good to see you, dear. - Hi, Arnold.
- Happy birthday, Steffi. - Oh, thank you, Lynn. Thanks for coming.
Hi, Arnold. I have someone I want you to meet.
Mr. Ferry. Mr. Ferry. I'd like you to meet Mr. Ferry.
This is my good friend Lynn.
- And this is Arnold. - I must say...
- Mr. Ferry is just out of prison. - Yes, I'm aware.
I'm lucky the parole came through, but I was gonna get out one way or the other.
- What exactly does that mean? - Ice the guard.
- No pictures, sister. - I'm sorry.
What do you mean, "ice the guard"?
- Get out through the ventilation shaft. - Ice. Really?
Come up behind him with a box cutter, rip out his carotid artery.
- Oh. - What's a box cutter?
- May I have a glass of white wine? - We have white wine.
You gotta be careful, though.
Guy on cell block four tried it, didn't have all the angles figured.
- Got his tit caught in the wringer. - His tit? Really?
- Oh, uh, the terrace. - Let's go up to the terrace.
- Good idea. Let's get some wine. - Big, wide-open spaces.
Are you sure this guy is rehabilitated?
Honey, he was in prison, not a finishing school.
Well, you know my sentiments,
but very happy birthday.
A birthday song for Steffi.
# Looking at you while troubles are fleeing #
# I'm admiring the view #
# 'Cause it's you I'm seeing #
# And the sweet honeydew #
# Of well-being settles upon me #
# What is this light #
# That shines when you enter #
# Like a star in the night #
# And what's to prevent her from destroying my sight #
# If you center all of it on me #
# Looking at you #
# I'm filled with the essence of #
# The quintessence of joy #
# Looking at you #
# I hear poets tellin' of #
# Lovely Helen of Troy #
# Darling #
# Life seemed so gray #
# I wanted to end it 'til that wonderful day #
# You started to mend it #
# And if you'll only stay #
# Then I'll spend it #
# Looking at #
# You ##
[Kisses]
[Steffi] Sweetie. [Continues Kissing]
- Ohh. - [Bob] Is that okay?
Okay? Honey.
- I'm gonna grab a few drinks. You want anything? - No, thanks.
But before you do, would you get Steffi's present for me? I left it in the car.
- Oh, yeah. - Holden, here.
[Skylar] Are you enjoying the view?
I like any view after years and years in that stinkin' rat hole.
Oh. That's very vividly put.
S-Sweetly honest.
You know what it's like in solitary confinement?
No, I can't say that I do.
I went to N.Y.U. I didn't even stay in the dorm.
- You know how long it is since I smelled perfume? - Oh, do I have too much on?
No, to me you smell like what I think heaven would smell like.
Oh. Well, thank you. That's really nice.
When you shook my hand before, I thought my heart was gonna stop.
Oh, that's sweet. [Chuckles]
Uh, but remember, you've been very deprived of female contact.
I used to lie in my cell at night and dream of somebody like you.
[Laughs] Yeah.
Oh, uh, I took, um, a criminology class in college.
- A very insight... - You have very sensual lips.
Oh. O-Oh, well, i-it's a part of me I rarely think of.
- Can I smell your hair? - You wanna smell my hair?
Okay. You know what? It's gonna be all gone soon.
I was thinking of cutting it. I think Holden might like it short.
You know what I would do if you were my girl?
It's a little chilly outside.
- Maybe I should get a shawl. - I would make love to you in every room in the house.
On every bed.
On every rug.
On every tabletop.
We also have some lovely early American chandeliers.
Let's go for a drive.
Um, no. I don't think that that would be such a good idea.
I haven't seen the ocean or been up to Harlem or Chinatown in years.
Oh, no, i-it's out of the question.
- Okay, but you can't blame me for tryin'. - No.
I think that we should get back inside before...
Before what?
Before you break your parole.
If I took you in my arms and kissed you right now, would you dime on me?
- "Dime"? - Turn me in.
Oh. Let's not find out.
Mmm.
How was it?
Uh...
Very interesting.
I've never been kissed by a sociopath before.
I kissed you the best I could,
considering the only practice I had kissing in the last 10 years...
is with Vincent "The Thumb" Adatto.
Jeez.
Vincent "The Thumb" doesn't know what he's missing.
Can I see you again?
[Sighs] Well...
You know, I'm getting married.
# I could show the world how to smile #
# I could be glad #
# All of the while #
# I could change the gray skies to blue #
# If I had you #
# I could leave the old days behind #
# Leave all my pals #
# I'd never mind #
# I could start my life all anew #
# If I had you #
# I could climb the snowcapped mountains #
# Sail the mighty ocean wide #
# I could cross the burning desert #
# If I had you by my side #
# I could be a king, dear, uncrowned #
# Humble or poor #
# Rich or renowned #
# There is nothing I couldn't do #
# If I had you ##
- Oh, wow. I can't believe this. - Shut up, for once.
He's en route to New York now,
and he's wonderful.
It's been, like, a chance meeting,
after all these years, with a true soul mate.
He senses my every need.
It's like he knows what I'm thinking.
- It's like your fantasy come true. - I... It is.
I-I still can't believe it.
You know, it's... it's not that he's tall or handsome,
but he's, um... he's magical.
[Von] And he feels me in a way that no man ever has before.
It's... He's romantic and he's sexy.
I had this dream that I was in bed with him...
and he was kissing my earlobes...
and then he started stroking my shoulder blades.
I nearly had an orgasm.
[D.J. Narrating] I had lots of neat stuff to tell Dad.
He'd really made a big score with Von.
But now I've got to stop for a minute,
because as much as we humans like to think we control things,
that's not the way it works.
Suddenly, with no warning, Grandpa died.
It was in his sleep, peaceful, with no suffering,
but it made philosophers of all of us.
When your number is up, your number is up.
That's why it's very important...
that we cherish each moment,
each moment of our lives,
and not smoke.
Smoke?
Wh... I mean, he... Pop smoked for 70 years, you know.
- Well... - He never exercised. He ate everything.
He ate cholesterol and, and fatty foods.
He died at a healthy, ripe old age.
I haven't had steak in so long. I love steak.
- Now you got him talking about food. - Disgusting.
I'd kill for some marbleized meat.
They say six cups of coffee a day prevents, like, prevents colon cancer.
Last week it was bad for you.
[Steffi] What's it all about? I mean...
What are we doing? We're rushing, we're rushing.
- Th-That's right. - Where are we going?
- [Laura Whispers] They're so old. - Into the void.
That's it. The void is it, you know. I never believed in God.
- Oh... - No, I didn't, not even as a little kid.
I used to think... I remember this...
...even if He exists, He's done such a terrible job, - Dad!
it's a wonder people don't file a class action suit against Him.
You shouldn't be talking about...
There's gotta be some reason we're here. It can't just be the new physics.
You gotta believe in something.
[Bob] The dignity of Man.
The flat tax, the right to bear arms and school prayer.
- If there's nobody out there, who are they praying to? - Stop fighting.
- [Steffi] Please don't. - [All Arguing]
- Please don't start arguing in front of Grandpa. - I can't believe you.
Wait a minute. He wasn't an atheist. He wasn't a Republican.
- He wasn't even a Democrat. - Well, Mom, he must've been something.
- He was a foot fetishist. - Yeah.
- It's the only group I remember him belonging to. - That's true.
He drove your mother crazy.
- [Clears Throat] - Pop, is that you?
I've got just one message for you.
You work and work for years and years, you're always on the go.
You never take a minute off. Too busy makin' dough.
Someday, you say, you'll have your fun when you're a millionaire.
# Imagine all the fun you'll have #
# In your old rocking chair #
# Enjoy yourself #
# It's later than you think #
# Enjoy yourself #
# While you're still in the pink #
# The years go by as quickly as a wink #
# Enjoy yourself Enjoy yourself #
# It's later than you think #
# Bum bum-bah-bum Bum bum-bah-bum #
# Bum-bum-bum Bum bum bum #
# Another birthday's here and gone #
# You've turned another page #
# And suddenly you realize #
# That you've reached middle age #
# Just think of all the fun you've missed #
# It makes you kind of sad #
# It's better to have had your wish #
# Than to have wished you had #
- # Enjoy yourself # - # It's later #
- # It's later than you think # - # Later and later #
- # Enjoy yourself # - # Even later #
- # While you're still in the pink # - # Later and later #
# The years go by #
# And quickly as a wink #
# Enjoy yourself Enjoy yourself #
# It's later than you think #
# Enjoy yourself Enjoy yourself #
# It's later than you think #
# Enjoy yourself Enjoy yourself #
# It's later than you think ##
That...
was unbelievable.
Just every...
thing you did and...
all the things you did.
Absolutely perfect.
[Clears Throat] Well, actually, it wasn't perfect.
There was a moment in there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed,
but, you know, I apologize.
I feel...
I feel limp. [Sighs]
You know, I'd really love you to come to Paris with me.
- I'm serious. - Yeah?
Paris?
And then Bora Bora.
Well, well, yes, Bora Bora, but Paris first.
Then we'd work our way down to a least one of the Boras.
We can live in your garret.
Uh, t-technically, w-when I say "garret"...
I.. It's funny. It is a garret, and yet...
- And drink wine and eat snails 'til the dawn comes up. - Snails?
Yeah. Remember?
You said how you also loved waking up in the middle of the night,
...sitting in bed eating snails, drinking wine. - Yes, yes. Yes.
I said it was such a great coincidence.
Well, they're... they're mollusks.
I-I-I love, uh, a good mollusk.
[Giggles]
W-W-What do you mean, the wedding is off?
- Exactly what I said. I gave back his ring. - Why?
Because there's someone else I can't get out of my mind.
- But y-you're in love with Holden! - No, Dad, I'm not.
At least I'm not sure I am, and I can't cheat on him while I figure it out.
- Cheat on Holden? He's gonna be your husband! - No, Dad!
- In November. I'll show you. I got receipts from caterers. - Bob, calm your denial mechanism.
It's not that Holden isn't wonderful.
It's just that somebody else has come into my life and I must see where it goes.
- It wouldn't be fair to Holden if I didn't. - Oh, fine! Okay.
Now that we've bought you this fabulous wedding dress,
would you mind telling me who this new Prince Charming is that suddenly emerged?
- Well, you don't kn... You do, but not like I do. - I'm sick.
- Honey, what's the matter? - My esophagus is going into spasms.
- If my necktie goes up and down... - Look what you're doing to your father.
Tell me who has come between you and Holden.
- Well, he's bright and charming... - Yeah?
and rough to the outside, but that can change.
- Are you gonna tell us, or is this like a game show? - [Clears Throat]
You remember Charles Ferry?
- Pardon me? - Charles Ferry.
For a minute I thought she said Charles Ferry.
- Now my esophagus is starting to move. - Charles Ferry?
- Honey! - The escaped convict?
- Skylar! - Ex-convict. He has a college degree.
No, Skylar, let me tell you something.
You're having a psychotic episode. You need help!
- You need shock treatment, or industrial-strength Prozac. - Calm down.
Mom, you understand.
There is something incredibly animalistic about him.
- We'll turn him over to the zoo. - Oh, honey.
- And yet he's like a child. - Okay, we'll make it the children's zoo.
- He's a criminal! - Mom, I'm shocked.
You've done nothing but sing his praises for months.
Well, yes, as a social symbol.
But as an actual person to be with my child?
- How are you going to go out with this man? - Guys, get out of here.
You can't get behind him. He won't let you!
You try to scratch his back, he'll knife you!
[Skylar] Under all that veneer is a very soulful young attorney.
In fact, I was hoping you might find a place for him in your firm.
[Bob] I'll make him treasurer. He can share a room with Holden.
Speaking as a woman, Holden can be very animal too.
- Yes, Mom, but it's of the gerbil family. - Oh, that's not...
- Get out of here! - As your father, I forbid you...
to see this man Charles Ferry.
You will marry Holden as planned.
As head of this house, I command it! I decree it!
Thou shalt wed thy intended!
- Okay, come on, let's have... - That's it.
Let's get a drink. You're sounding tiresomely Biblical.
"Tiresomely Biblical"? What is this, Noel Coward with hockey?
- She's not gonna waste her life like this on a gangster. - Oh, she's a grown woman!
- You! - What?
- You got him out of jail! - This is my fault now?
- [Sobbing] - Honey, what? What's wrong?
Jeffrey Vandermost asked Lane out and not me.
- Ohh. - Oh, my God!
How am I gonna face Arnold and Lynn Spence?
Is that all you're thinking about?
We bought a race horse together.
He's gonna want to cut it in half!
We both liked him, and today he asked if we could talk alone,
so I got all excited.
And then he asked me if I thought Lane would go out with him...
if he asked her to a dance in Connecticut...
and that he had a mad crush on her.
Ohh. These things happen. Feelings are feelings and sometimes...
# I'm thru with love I'll never fall again #
What are you saying? You're 14 years old. You'll fall again.
Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
I thought you'd be happy for me. I hope in time you understand.
- # I'm thru with love I'll never fall again # - What are you singing about?
You're not in love with Holden, are you?
# I'm thru with love #
# I'll never fall again #
# Said adieu to love #
# Don't ever call again ##
[D.J. Narrating] While Skylar was breaking up with Holden, - ## [Continues]
I broke up with Ken, the guy I met at the airport,
because I met this rap singer.
I mean, this guy is just so talented and sexy...
and, you know, he just says it all.
# Check it I'm thru with love #
- # I'm thru with all you motherfuckers # - # Yeah #
# Feelin' mad, shitty Gotta burn down the city #
# Takin' over for the brothers I'm raisin' a ruckus up on you suckers #
# Gotta burn it up Come on, blow it up, yeah ##
[Ferry] # Your eyes of blue #
# Your kisses too #
# I never knew what they could do #
[Ferry, Skylar] # I can't believe #
# That you're in love with me ##
[Ferry] I love the country. The air smells so fresh.
Um, Charles, where did you get the money to pay for everything,
and... and this car?
Uh, well, you know, loans.
Oh, this is a great idea to take a walk here. It's beautiful.
Yeah, yeah. What time is it?
Um, 4:00.
Oh, good.
I just thought you'd wanna walk around a little, see the fall leaves.
Oh, they are stunning.
It's amazing what you miss in the joint.
There's no seasons. It's just one long, gray nothin'.
What are your plans for the future?
- I can't imagine you'd wanna work in the restaurant forever. - You're right.
Work all day for what? A few lousy bucks. I got bigger plans.
- Like pursuing a law career. - What?
A lawyer?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.
[Bird Twittering]
- You hear somethin'? - A bird?
[Men Shouting]
All right, here they come. Timing's perfect.
- Move it! - Come on! We gotta get outta here!
What do you want me to do, put a pole up my ass? I'm goin'!
[Laughs]
- Back in action! [Chuckles] - Way to go, Ferry!
- You got anything lined up? - Yeah, yeah, come on.
- Who's she? - She's a friend.
[Gunshots]
[Gunshot]
Why'd you have to shoot? You didn't have to shoot!
- He was emptyin' the register! - I got nervous!
[Skylar] Charles, just let me out at the corner of Park and 93rd.
[Gunshots Continue]
Charles, let me out of this car!
I want out of this car!
I will be quiet! Just let me out!
- Shut her up, or I'll shut her up! - [Skylar Screams]
[Sirens Continue]
Get out!
[Car Speeds Off]
[D.J. Narrating] In October, Von finally got up the nerve and left Greg.
She bought a ticket on Air France and took the first plane to Paris.
By this time Dad had given up his flat on the Left Bank...
and moved into a place...
he knew would be straight out of Von's fantasy of a Parisian apartment.
In addition to taking guitar lessons,
he traded in his word processor for an old portable typewriter.
Hi.
Ahh! [Laughs]
Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
God, look at your place.
This is, uh, out of a movie or, or out of a dr... This is, like, my dream.
This is my dream apartment, my dream view, right here.
[D.J. Narrating] Back in New York, it was Halloween.
That's my favorite holiday.
I mean, all the kids in the building come trick-or-treating...
and they all just look so great.
# Oooh-ooh-ooh #
# What a little moonlight can do #
# Oooh-ooh-ooh #
# What a little moonlight can do to you ##
# Chinatown My Chinatown #
# Where the lights are low #
# In some secluded rendezvous ##
# I'm Chiquita Banana and I've come to say #
# Bananas have to ripen in a certain way #
# When they are flecked with brown and have a golden hue #
# Bananas taste the best and are the best for you #
# You can put them in a salad #
# You can put them in a pie-aii-yii #
# Any way you want to eat them #
# It's impossible to beat them #
# But bananas like the climate of the very, very tropical #
# Equator #
# So you should never put bananas #
# In the refrigerator #
# No, no, no, no ##
[Cheering, Chattering]
That's good! They're terrific!
- Would you like some candy? - What a banana!
- Nyaaaah! [Laughing] - [Screams]
- Holden! - Hey.
- Oh, I'm so happy to see you! - Yeah? I wasn't sure.
- I was worried. - Oh, yes!
- I'm... Holden, I'm so sorry. - No, shh. It doesn't...
Mmm. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
- Oh, I behaved so terribly. - No, no, really, it was... it was me too.
- No, it wasn't. - I missed you.
- I really missed you. - I missed you too.
I brought you Cracker Jacks.
[D.J. Narrating] Holden was so much in love with my sister...
that it didn't mean a thing that she had given him a hard time.
Mom and Dad were so glad to see them reunited.
He gave her back the diamond ring,
only he wanted to be romantic, so he put it in a box of Cracker Jacks...
- and she swallowed it again. - [Coughing]
The rest of fall was pretty normal... for us.
The only glitch we had was on Thanksgiving.
Just after dinner, Scott suddenly collapsed.
Everybody panicked.
There's nothing to be alarmed about.
There was blockage in an artery, but it's all been dissolved, so he's fine.
- He's totally fine? There's no problem? - Oh, no. Hundred percent.
Our scan indicated that the condition occurred some time ago, perhaps a year,
so if he's exhibited any strange or weird behavior,
it's probably because his brain wasn't getting enough oxygen.
[D.J. Narrating] And wouldn't you know it,
as soon as his brain started functioning properly,
Scott resigned from the Young Conservative Republican Club...
and started espousing left-wing, Democratic, liberal philosophy.
Dad was overjoyed. He was just as proud as can be.
Remember I told you New York was the most beautiful in the fall?
What I really meant was the winter, at least when it snows.
Because under a blanket of snow,
New York City is truly gorgeous and surprisingly peaceful.
You know, when Christmas comes we don't...
We're not the kind of family that hangs stockings or sings carols.
We don't have a goose or anything.
What we do do is head right for Paris and spend our Christmas holiday at the Ritz.
[Steffi] Here, honey, put your finger here.
Do it, hard.
- Well, he has a fever. - Ahh-choo!
It's a cold.
I told you you should've put on some dry clothes after you fell in the fountain.
You go without me. I'll be all right.
We don't want to go without you.
The Marx Brothers' are your favorite movies. Mom, I feel so bad.
- He should stay home if he feels sick. - I'm gonna stay home.
I'm so excited; I'm meeting this guy named Guy, or this guy named Guy.
- Cool. Congratulations. - Here, Dad.
- I brought you some tea. - Oh, great. Thank you.
- [Doorbell Rings] - It's not gonna keep me awake?
No, it's completely herbal. It's peppermint flavored.
- Hello, Joe. - Joe! - Hi, Dad!
Oh, I'd say hello, but I'm sick and, you know, you always catch everything.
- What happened? - What's wrong?
- I'm not going tonight. - [Girls] Why not?
- I knew it. - What's wrong, Dad?
- Von left me. - What?
What happened?
I have no idea, but she's on her way back to New York.
When she first came, everything was perfect.
She said it was like a dream had come true for her.
And then suddenly, this morning...
Um, I want to go back home...
to Greg.
Really?
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Since when has, uh, this happened?
I don't know.
Well, why?
I... I... [Clears Throat] I don't know.
I don't know how to explain it, exactly.
Well, just tell me. You know, just...
Well, it's not that I don't think that you're great. Okay?
- Um, I think you're great. - Yeah?
Um, just, for years, you know, I've been married to Greg,
and, and he can be difficult,
and we've had our ups and downs, certainly.
- Since when did you have all these... - I don't know.
It's just, I've... I've always had this fantasy, okay,
that, um...
that one day I would meet the perfect man...
and he would fulfill my dreams and I would have...
the perfect life.
That fantasy, I think,
always sort of, um, was part of this dissatisfaction that I had with Greg...
and, and my life.
And then you came along and you seemed to know...
every secret thing about me.
Let me put it this way.
I have seen my dream come true,
and my fantasy no longer tortures me.
I can deal with it.
Yeah, but that's so neurotic.
Well, I know. I'm crazy.
Well, but supposing I said to you...
that none of this was really true;
that this was all a facade that I've been putting on;
that-that-that somehow I had, you know, access...
to your deepest feelings and your needs and all your secret thoughts...
and, and I've been, I've been playing this character...
just to, just to win you over,
to get you to like me, make you happy.
If that's what you told me,
then I'd say you were crazy.
So that's exactly why I'm not going tonight. You know?
Instead, I-I have plans to go to Napoleon's tomb.
- I'm gonna lie down next to him. That's Christmas Eve for me. - That's so sad.
- The women you pick. - No, you're going out.
- Aaaaah-choo! - Somebody's gotta take Mom.
- He's so sick. - You're too sick to go out this evening?
- I'm fine, as long as I don't move my eyeballs. - He has a 101 temperature.
- You're not going anywhere tonight. - But I'm not in a Groucho mood.
- Aw, come on. You'll love it. Go. - It's Christmas Eve.
It's Paris. There's a ball.
Besides, you're on the committee that arranged the party for the Cinematheque.
- You have to go. Enjoy yourself. - I'll go for a couple hours.
I gotta stay here, but there's no reason you don't go.
It's later than you think.
# Vous allez enfin le voir Le grand Capitaine Spaulding #
# Nulle chaleur ne le chagrine Le capitaine est la #
# Chantons tous en choeur sa glorie #
# Et par nos cris sans pareils #
# 'Nous le rendrons dur d'oreille #
# Le capitaine est la #
# Bravant la mort il s'elance #
# Plein d'ardeur et de vaillance #
# Risque sa vie pour la science #
# Ha, ha #
# Vive le Capitaine Spaulding #
# De I'Afrique I'explorateur #
# Qui m'a traite de "shnorrer" #
# Hourre, hourre Hourra #
# Ahhhhhh #
# II alla dans la savane #
# Ou les singes s'accrochent aux lianes #
# Et bonjour les peaux d'bananes #
# Hourre, hourre Hourra #
# 'Traquant un lion il tira #
# Plusieurs coups de son mousquet #
# Je n'ai tue qu'un "moustiquet" #
- [Pop] - [Thud]
# Hourre, hourre Hourra #
# Hourre, hourre, hourra #
# Cela semble I'ennuyer #
# Mais rien ne sert de le nier #
# Jamais assez on ne la dira #
# Vive le Capitaine Spaulding #
# De I'Afrique I'explorateur #
# 'Qui m'a traite de "shnorrer" #
# Hourre, hourre Hourra #
# II a son nom au pantheon #
# Et toujours on criera #
# Hourra #
# Hourra ##
[Audience Applauding]
- ## [Orchestra] - Do you remember our first Christmas Eve in Paris,
the month before we got married?
I do, because that was...
that was when I knew that someday I would absolutely have to live here.
Mmm. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I don't wanna panic you. That was decades ago.
- I mean, decades, not, not... - I know, I know. It was decades ago.
Do you remember that cafe we used to go to?
Cafe Therese, or whatever, with the cats? Do you remember?
- Now I'm gonna tell you the truth. - Yeah.
I hated that cat. I mean, I-I-I hated...
Well, maybe that's why you were scratching yourself all night.
Was I scratching myself all night? Is that what you noticed about me?
I certainly... I certainly did.
Well, I hated that cat. I couldn't stand it.
But now that cafe is right around the corner from where I live.
- You're joking. - Why would I joke about something like that?
- You wanna go have a drink there? - No.
- Why not? - Because we're drinking here.
Well, yeah, but... We can take our mustaches off. Nobody's gonna know.
- What, are you having a nostalgic, a sudden... - Yeah, I'm having a thing.
Sue me. I just thought it would be kind of fun.
- No, we can't sneak out... - Come on, we'll take our mustaches off. No problem.
- That I'd like to do. - Wouldn't you? Me too.
I never thought I'd hear you say, "Take my mustache off."
Please. [Laughing]
Anyway, we'll go. I-I'm a little... I feel good.
I've had three glasses of champagne. I feel fabulous.
- Let's go see this place. - Yeah, but y-you really wanna sneak out?
I do. It's not... We snuck out before. Do you remember?
Remember that party with the Hamilton-Wainwrights? It was so boring.
Oh, yes. Yes.
- I remember because we snuck out through the toilet window. - Right!
The guy was singing "Climb Every Mountain," and we couldn't bear it.
You knocked over the punch bowl, if I remember correctly.
Yes, but you were the one who let out the piercing shriek that got us caught.
Oh, and do you remember how we made love? You know...
- Ooh. Oh, I dropped... - You dropped your cigar.
I know. Give me my cigar. I dropped the cigar and...
- You're so drunk. - [Giggling]
I remember us making love, I, uh...
- Candlelight. - I remember the candles; I remember the hotel.
I just don't remember you, unless you were the one who was under me.
- Oh, now you're in character. - I don't know where I am.
- I'm... I'm lost. - Come on, let's go.
No, it's cold out there. Our coats are in the car.
Forget it. It's a warm night.
Come on. Pretend you're young.
- Well, I could for you. - [Giggling]
You're better off without her.
How do you know? You never met her.
I know you.
Yeah. So? What does that mean?
A good psychiatrist that listened to you...
would think that every time I get involved with a woman, you get jealous.
- [Giggles] - What are you laughing?
"Jealous." Joe, I just wish you'd pick somebody that could make you happy.
- Like who? - I made you happy.
- Yeah... I didn't say you didn't. - I made you very happy.
- Hey... - When we weren't, you know, at each other's throats.
- Does this ring a bell? This is why I took you here. - [Gasps]
- Does this mean anything to you? - Is this... Is this where we...
This is it, yes. That's why I dragged you all over town.
Oh! Ohh! Oh, my God!
- You remember this? - This is where we stayed up all night.
I know. I held you in my arms 'til the light came up.
- Do you remember that? Do you remember that song? - Yeah, I do.
'Cause I still sing that song. I first heard it from you.
That was the first time. Remember?
# I'm thru with love #
# I'll never fall again #
# Said adieu to love #
# Don't ever call again #
# For I must have you #
# Or no one #
# And so I'm thru with love #
# I've locked my heart #
# I'll keep my feelings there #
# I have stocked my heart #
# With icy frigid air #
# And I mean to care #
# For no one #
# Because I'm thru with love #
# Why did you lead me to think you could care #
# You didn't need me for you had your share #
# Of friends around you to hound you and swear #
# With deep emotion #
# Devotion to you #
# Good-bye to spring #
# And all it meant to me #
# It can never bring #
# The things that used to be #
# For I must have you #
# Or no one #
# And so I'm thru #
# With love ##
You know, over the years I often wondered what would have happened...
had we stayed together.
That's something we're never gonna know.
We've managed to produce...
a fabulous daughter, though.
- I mean, she is unbelievable. - Mm-hmm.
She's got your looks, fortunately,
and my... my magic personality.
- Yeah, she is wonderful. - She's great.
And-And you've been very happy with Bob, so that's been a good thing.
- Oh, he's wonderful. - I think he's great.
I don't think you could've done better. I think he's a fabulous guy.
Of course there have been a few times, you will admit,
that, uh, you did call me in dire emergency...
and I had to come by and bail you out.
- I know you did. - Two major fights with Bob, I remember,
and one disgusting lump that turned out to be completely benign,
though you were panicked beyond belief.
- You were there for me. That's the main thing. - And you for me.
And I appreciate it.
I think, actually, that we-we've been better friends...
than, than, than husband and wife.
Yeah, probably we have.
But, you know, nobody made me laugh the way you did, Joe.
I love Bob with all my heart. It isn't that.
It's just that you could always, you know, you could push that button.
- Why is that so important? - I don't know.
I don't know. Maybe we're crazy.
[Giggling]
[Sighs]
So, did that girl that dumped you today, did she make you laugh?
I don't know, I... I have to put that behind.
You know.
- Funny how life goes. - It's amazing. Amazing.
Let's go. It's late.
It's definitely late.
Christmas Eve and late.
Let's go.
# Everyone says I love you #
# The cop on the corner and the burglar too #
- ## [Continues] - [D.J. Narrating] Christmas Eve in Paris.
What a year.
And that sort of brings us to the end of our story.
I told Skylar someone should write it up as a movie.
She said, " Better make it into a musical, or no one's gonna believe it."
By the way, that night I met a terrific guy.
I mean, talk about sexy.
# There are only eight little letters #
# In the phrase you'll find #
# But they mean a lot more #
# Than all the other words combined #
# Everywhere the whole world through #
# The king in the palace and the peasant too #
# The tiger in the jungle and the monk' in the zoo #
# Says I love you #
# The preacher in the pulpit and the man in the pew #
# Says I love you #
# The captain and the sailor and the rest of the crew #
# Says I love you #
# Everywhere the whole world through #
# The king in the palace and the peasant too #
# The tiger in the jungle and the monk' in the zoo #
# Says I love you #