1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,877 - Where you at, though? - Look at this. 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,462 34, 24, sha-bloimps. - Blip. 3 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:05,922 - Blip, blip. 4 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:07,173 Oh, man, check this out, dog. - Where, where? 5 00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:08,549 - Look at this fine piece of ass 6 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,426 all the way down the street here, dog. 7 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:11,678 - That's what I'm talkin' about, though, hey, girl! 8 00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:13,137 - Damn. Ooh! 9 00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,389 - Yeah, walk this way with that fine ass. 10 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,932 - [Moans] - Blip! 11 00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:17,725 - Yeah, girl, why don't you come down here 12 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,811 and put that in my mouth, 'cause daddy want a snack! 13 00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:23,022 - Blip, blap, takin' a bap! - Why you hurtin' me, girl? 14 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,857 - Brisket. Briskety! - You're hurtin' me! 15 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,234 - [Groans] 16 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,821 That's deliciousness, yeah! Yeah! 17 00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:34,367 Yeah, keep it coming! Ye- 18 00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:37,829 And-and that is a professional basketball mascot. 19 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:41,833 - That is a man in an orange rhinoceros costume. 20 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:56,514 - Hell, I'd fuck that rhino. 21 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,517 [Soul music] 22 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:07,650 ♪ ♪ 23 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:19,036 [cheers and applause] 24 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,126 - Hello. 25 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,086 - All right. 26 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,422 All right, all right. - Thank you. 27 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,549 Welcome to the show. Thank you for coming. 28 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,509 Uh, I am Keegan. - And I am Jordan. Hello. 29 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,011 - And this is Key and Peele. 30 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,930 [Cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. 31 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,475 - And, uh, Africa is truly fucked up. 32 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,143 - Okay. You just came outta the gate with that. 33 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:43,686 - It's fucked up, Keegan. 34 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,480 - See, and I completely disagree. 35 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:46,939 I would go to Africa right now. 36 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,983 - No, see, there are flyover states. 37 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,902 For me, Africa, that's a flyover continent. 38 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,904 - So, you're seriously telling me 39 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,239 you would not want to see the Nile? 40 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,866 - No. 41 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,034 - You would not want to see the plains of the Serengeti 42 00:01:58,160 --> 00:01:59,577 - No. 43 00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:00,745 - You would not want to see, uh, Mt. Kilimanjaro. 44 00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,205 - Kilimanjaro? 45 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,498 I'm more worried about Mt. "Kilima-negro." 46 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,708 - No, you didn't. No, you did not. 47 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,418 You did not just say that. - I'm saying, look... 48 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:08,711 slavery was an awful thing. 49 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,588 Awful. 50 00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:12,924 All I'm saying, silver lining, it got my ass out of Africa. 51 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,425 - Okay. - I said it. 52 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,093 - But things are improving there, Jordan. 53 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,261 Things are different. - It's not-It's not- 54 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,763 It's not different enough. 55 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:22,225 I'm sorry, no, I refuse to go to a continent 56 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,644 that's so bad that people don't even care 57 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:28,356 if there are flies on their face. 58 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,274 - Unbelievable. 59 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,319 - All right, y'all gather round. 60 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:36,197 Gather round. Welcome, gentlemen. 61 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,992 What a beautiful and blessed day for an auction. 62 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:44,956 All right, y'all, get on up there. 63 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,457 - Put that whip down and see what happens, though. 64 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:47,959 - Straight up. 65 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,127 I don't care what plantation I end up on. 66 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:52,588 I'm straight staging a revolt in this motherfucker. 67 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:53,840 - Hells yeah. 68 00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:57,718 - We have lot A, lot B, and lot C. 69 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,887 - Uh, $3 on lot A. - $4. 70 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,264 - 5! 71 00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:04,684 - $5 going once, twice, three times, sold. 72 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:09,814 Lot A goes to the man in the black hat. 73 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,109 - I mean, good. - Yeah. 74 00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,236 - [Chuckles] I'm glad I didn't get sold, 75 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,905 'cause I don't want to be owned by another human being. 76 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,241 - Whoever buys me, they better kill me the first day, 77 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,660 or I'ma go buck-wild on the whole operation. 78 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,245 - Okaay? 79 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,913 - Next one, get up on up there, now. 80 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,875 - Oh, this-okay. 81 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:31,294 [Both inhale] 82 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:32,753 - $6 on lot A. 83 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,630 - $7! - 8. 84 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,340 - 9! 85 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,634 - $9 going once, twice, three times, sold! 86 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,219 [Both exhale] 87 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,179 - Okay, well, you have to buy that dude. 88 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:43,681 - It's a no-brainer. - I mean, that guy's huge. 89 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:45,808 - A massive individual. - That's two of me. 90 00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:48,144 - Anybody would buy him. - I'd buy that dude. 91 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,271 - My question is, how'd they catch him? 92 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:53,149 - Next! 93 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:55,276 - Okay. Oh, yeah. - Yeah. 94 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,944 - $2 on lot A. 95 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,697 - $2 going once, twice, three times, sold. 96 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:01,115 - See, now, that surprises me. 97 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,784 - That is interesting, to say the least. 98 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,703 - I mean, well, it just seems like at a certain point, 99 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:08,122 it's like, do they even know what they're looking for? 100 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,415 - It's like the whole criteria 101 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:10,875 seems just a little inconsistent. 102 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,460 - I mean, at some point, I want to be on lot A. 103 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,129 - Yeah, which- Can a brotha get on lot A? 104 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,591 - Next. 105 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:19,800 - Oh, here we go. - Here we go. 106 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,052 - Been a pleasure. - Give 'em hell. 107 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,219 - All right. - Okay. 108 00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:23,888 - $8 on lot A. 109 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,264 - Going once, twice, three times, sold! 110 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,599 - How does that happen? 111 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:27,767 - Nope, not true. - What you just said- 112 00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,560 that's gobbledygook, okay? 113 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:30,811 That can't be true. 'Cause what can this dude do? 114 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,605 Look at him. What could he pick? 115 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,106 A cotton plant is, like, this tall. 116 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,524 - Yes. - No offense, brotha, 117 00:04:35,651 --> 00:04:37,151 I'm just saying. - Offense taken. 118 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,694 - Wha-[gasps] 119 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:41,280 Am I wrong? Is he not short? He's short. 120 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:45,451 But you are actually short in real life, in the world. 121 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,286 - You're good, man. - Enough. 122 00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:49,830 I will not have my reputation tainted, 123 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:53,042 sellin' superficial, bigoted slaves. 124 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:56,045 - Superficial? Did that really just come out of your mouth? 125 00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:58,255 - That's it! This auction's over! 126 00:04:58,382 --> 00:04:59,966 - Auction's over? - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 127 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,426 No, it's-it ain't over. It's not over! 128 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,970 I'm strong, y'all! 129 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:05,888 I'm very str- I can sleep in a bucket. 130 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,933 - I'm fast, I got stamina, and I know magic. 131 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:11,060 - My worst quality is that I'm a perfectionist. 132 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,229 - Let me men- Have I mentioned this? Docile. 133 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:15,731 I am agreeable to a fault. 134 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,942 You should have seen the dude who asked me to get on the boat 135 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,193 when we came over here. 136 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,695 - Not a violent bone in my body. 137 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,196 - I just walked right on, no big deal. 138 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,572 Never seen a boat in my life. 139 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,827 [Soft piano music] 140 00:05:27,953 --> 00:05:29,954 ♪ ♪ 141 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,372 - 'Scuse me. I think we're ready to order. 142 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,582 - Well, um, I'm sorry. 143 00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,876 That's not how things work in this establishment. 144 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,545 Someone will come to you. 145 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,548 - Yes, we're sorry. No-no problem. 146 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,009 - What was that? - What? 147 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,760 - Well, where was black Jeff? 148 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,178 - "Black Jeff"? 149 00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:49,348 - Yeah, black Jeff. 150 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,183 I read somewhere that when you date a biracial guy, 151 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,019 you're supposed to get the best of both worlds, 152 00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:54,770 so there are white-Jeff situations, 153 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,313 and there are black-Jeff situations, 154 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,315 and that was definitely a black-Jeff situation. 155 00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,317 - Oh. Okay. 156 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:02,361 - Hi, folks, I'm so sorry for the wait. 157 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:05,364 Can I get you bottled or tap water for this evening? 158 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,199 - How 'bout I bottle your ass and kick it 159 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,701 down the stairs, man? We've been waitin' half an hour 160 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,619 for one o' you motherfuckers to show up! 161 00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,705 - God, I'm so-I'm so sorry. I'll get you a bottle 162 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,874 of our finest premium water, on the house. 163 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,669 - That's what I said, bitch! - What are you doing? 164 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:19,920 - Black Jeff. That was black Jeff. 165 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,338 - But he was just trying to help us. 166 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:24,341 - Oh, so, white Jeff? - Yes. 167 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:26,552 - Good evening. I'm sorry to bother you two. 168 00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:29,221 I am the maitre d' here at Chez Henri. 169 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:30,514 - Oh, yes, uh, what is it? 170 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,642 - I am so sorry to disturb you both, 171 00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:36,353 but our establishment has a certain dress code, 172 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,191 and madame's, um, decolletage is inappropriate. 173 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,193 - Oh, my God. We're-we're very sorry. 174 00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,653 We didn't know there was a dress code. 175 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,781 We'll certainly remember for the next time. 176 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,408 But there ain't gonna be no next time for you! 177 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,827 Lookin' at my woman, and her-her ch- 178 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:55,081 deco-chocka-"chockalage," or whatever you said, man! 179 00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:56,624 - Is there a problem here? 180 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,792 - Okay, see, it was really a simple misunderstanding. 181 00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,210 It all started 182 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,961 with that motherfucker right there, 183 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,838 who was disrespectin' myself and my girl, 184 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,673 but we really love this guy, 185 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,217 and he gave us exceptional service. 186 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,384 - We're gonna have to ask you to leave. 187 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,095 - You have to ask me to leave? 188 00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:10,596 Oh, you gonna have to ask the black man to leave? Huh? 189 00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,223 Actually, you don't have to ask us to leave. 190 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:13,766 'Cause we're going to see ourselves out. 191 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,184 And we ain't never comin' back again! 192 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,478 Though we really appreciate your help. 193 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,021 [Crashes] 194 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,981 Oh, lo siento mucho. Watch yo ass, man! 195 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,858 Let us reimburse you for that breakage, okay? 196 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,693 Right after I burn this whole place 197 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:27,363 to the motherfuckin' ground with everybody inside of it! 198 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,531 By which I mean you're going to get 199 00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:29,865 a very negative review on Yelp. 200 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,497 - All right, so we get most of our 201 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,374 knowledge of history from movies. 202 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,127 - Yeah, and we have noticed that, you know, 203 00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,337 not a lot of, uh, black movies about war. 204 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,588 - Right. 205 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:45,756 - And that's because the military 206 00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,049 was integrated so late. 207 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,801 So not a lot of movies about it. 208 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,511 - But actually the military was integrated before anything else. 209 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,263 - Oh, absolutely, before anything else. 210 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:54,849 - And, by the way, white people, not the equality we had in mind. 211 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,559 - Yeah. 212 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,395 It's like, "Hey, boy, you want a drink of water? 213 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:00,604 "Go back around the corner. 214 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:01,814 "You want to die for your country? 215 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,107 Stand right here in front of me." 216 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:06,652 [Applause] 217 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:09,071 - Well, there was that one movie Glory. 218 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,823 - Yes, of course Glory. - Glory's fucked up itself. 219 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,616 I mean, they just threw a bunch of black dudes at a fort 220 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,618 to see if it was okay to attack it. 221 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:15,911 - Yeah. 222 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,121 And then a dearth of movies 223 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,165 when it came to World War II. 224 00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:20,833 No black people. - No black- 225 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,376 I mean, there's that one scene in Pearl Harbor. 226 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,211 - Yeah. - Where just- 227 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:28,007 Cuba Gooding, Jr., falls out of a kitchen all of a sudden, 228 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,592 grabs an anti-aircraft gun. 229 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,553 Talk about, "Show me the money!" 230 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,430 What is that? 231 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,806 - And then, apparently, white people figured something out, 232 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,183 because during Vietnam, 233 00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:38,434 they sent all our asses over there. 234 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:39,602 - Oh, yeah, Vietnam. - Everybody. 235 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:40,769 - Hello, all of my uncles. - Yes. 236 00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,438 - Welcome to the jungle. 237 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:44,648 - What is your name? Jackson? This way to the draft. 238 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,567 - There you go. 239 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,028 I mean, again, not the equality we had in mind! 240 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,821 - Yeah. Crazy. 241 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:51,989 All we wanted to do was look at white women's asses 242 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,157 without getting murdered. 243 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,659 That's all we wanted to do. 244 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:56,869 - That's all. 245 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,086 [Doorbell rings] 246 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:10,507 - [German accent] Heil Hitler. 247 00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:14,762 My name is colonel Hans Mueller of the S.S. 248 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:19,391 As you know, we were combing the area for Jews. 249 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:23,562 But it has come to our attention that two negroes have escaped, 250 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:27,316 and are hiding out in this area as well. 251 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,318 You wouldn't happen to know 252 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:32,738 anything about this, now, would you? 253 00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:36,825 - Uh, no. No negroes here. Mm-mm. 254 00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:40,496 - Uh, negroes? Ew. [Chuckles] 255 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:41,705 Hell no. 256 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:45,000 - And, um, what are your names? 257 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,877 - Leroy... 258 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,504 Heimer. 259 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,631 Leroyheimer is my last name, 260 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,509 and my first name is very German, 261 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,678 and that is because it is Heinrich. 262 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:59,556 So, my name is Heinrich Leroyheimer. 263 00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:04,561 - And I am Baron Helmut... 264 00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,772 Schnitzelnazi. 265 00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:09,775 - Well. 266 00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,652 Are you going to invite me in? 267 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,071 - Of course! - Yeah, come on in! 268 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:15,948 Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. 269 00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:27,793 - Please, gentlemen, sit down. 270 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,212 Now... 271 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:35,217 as you know, the negro, not unlike the Jew, 272 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:39,513 can be a very tricky creature. 273 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,766 Oh, that's fun. 274 00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:45,019 We have developed many tests to determine 275 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,439 if an individual is, in fact, 276 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:52,776 an actual negro. 277 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:55,321 It's very scientific. 278 00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,614 Like when we throw the beans up against the homosexuals 279 00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,700 to see if the beans explode. 280 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,328 - Yeah, uh... 281 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:04,496 what kind of tests? 282 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,374 - It's interesting that you would ask me that. 283 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:11,545 Would you mind if I... 284 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,422 removed your hat? 285 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,758 So that I can measure your head. 286 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,426 The negro head, interestingly enough, 287 00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:20,763 only comes in the half sizes. 288 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:25,017 It's one of the many interesting things about the negro head. 289 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,728 Hmm. 290 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,480 Everything seems in order. 291 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:30,939 [Both exhale] 292 00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,275 - Well, no negro heads here. 293 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,693 - I'll tell you what, though. 294 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,445 If a negro head came in here, 295 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:39,156 it would find itself detached from its negro body. 296 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:40,324 I'll tell you that, right here. 297 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,909 [Chuckles] Am I right? 298 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,660 - This is very, very good. 299 00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:46,372 But there are so many exceptions to the rule, 300 00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:48,832 which is why it's so important 301 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:52,711 that we have a test which is fool-proof. 302 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:55,130 - Uh, m-m-m-more tests? 303 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:59,093 - You know, hunting the negroes all day, 304 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,887 you really build up an appetite, do you know what I'm saying? 305 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:05,391 Can I interest you two 306 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,894 in some delicious beets? 307 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:11,313 Interesting. 308 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,565 The negro cannot resist the beet. 309 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,777 It is drawn to it like flies to scheisse. 310 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:20,447 Well, gentlemen. 311 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,325 It appears I have wasted your time. 312 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:24,493 I'll be on my way. 313 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:25,661 - [Exhales] 314 00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,162 - Just one more thing. 315 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:31,500 I'm curious as to how you feel about... 316 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,795 this cat toy! 317 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,297 Jiggledy, jiggledy! 318 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,174 Nothing? 319 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,551 Well, that's embarrassing. 320 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:44,221 I'm sorry for bothering you. 321 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:46,223 You two are obviously not negroes. 322 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:47,558 [Both laugh] 323 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,226 - Of course we're not negroes. 324 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:50,936 - This is a no-negro zone. 325 00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,479 - Thank you, gentlemen. 326 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,730 - Ain't no thang. 327 00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:56,942 - Herr Leroyheimer. 328 00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,278 Oh, that's new. 329 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:01,947 Baron Schnitzelnazi. 330 00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,699 - What's goin' on? Oh, heil Hitler. 331 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,076 - I'll wait for you here. There we go. All right. 332 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,078 By the way... [clears throat] 333 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,455 Are you, by chance, 334 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,291 related to the Dusseldorf Schnitzelnazis? 335 00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,751 - Yes, I am. 336 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,086 - How's your Aunt Frida? 337 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,464 - Aunt Frida? She... 338 00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:21,133 is still... 339 00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:22,634 fat? 340 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,971 - I don't recall her being fat. 341 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,348 But who looks like they did in college anyway, am I right? 342 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,601 - Not me. Not me. Not me. - Not this one, either. 343 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,145 - 'Cause I was a- You know what I'm talking about? 344 00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,771 - Well, guten tag. - [Laughs] All right. 345 00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:37,399 - Oh, gutenberg! 346 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:42,404 [Engine starts] 347 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,906 [Car drives away] 348 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:47,451 - Whew. Man, that was close. 349 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,912 Whoo. We gotta get outta here, man. 350 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:51,705 We- 351 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,208 - He left the cat toy, man! - Uh-uh. 352 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,043 - He left it! - Uh-uh. 353 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,170 - [Laughs] Oh! 354 00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:00,214 Oh! [giggles] 355 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,970 [Soul music] 356 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,722 - So here's the thing. 357 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,475 As black actors in Hollywood, Jordan and I 358 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:14,102 keep going out for this one particular role 359 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,896 over and over again. 360 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:20,359 - We don't get called out for the average black role. 361 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,653 You know, like the gangster who gets killed, 362 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:25,030 or the pimp who gets killed, 363 00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,533 or the black dude in Star Trek who gets evaporated. 364 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,201 We don't go out for those. 365 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,911 We don't. 366 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,496 - It's always the same role over and over again. 367 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:34,164 Tell 'em the role. 368 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,707 - Well, maybe 'cause we're not intimidating, 369 00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,834 but we always go out for the black best friend. 370 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,546 - Always, always. Because- 371 00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:42,673 Always. 372 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,049 Because you guys understand 373 00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:46,176 that all groups of three white men 374 00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,427 have to have one black friend. 375 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,595 - They have to. 376 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,138 - That's a rule. 377 00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:52,975 - Well, he's cool, it makes them cool. 378 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,351 - Right, right. - It makes them not racist. 379 00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,436 And, oh- and the black best friend 380 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,939 always has the same lines. 381 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:02,693 I'm talking about, "Damn!" - Mm-hmm. 382 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:05,445 Or like, "No, he didn't!" - Uh-huh. 383 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,197 - And the ubiquitous... 384 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,659 both: "Oh, hell no." 385 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,411 - It's in every script we ever see. 386 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:13,745 And then, of course, there are also 387 00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,581 phrases in every script we always see. 388 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:16,873 Here's one of 'em. 389 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,877 "Now, ya all clearly like each other. 390 00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,797 So go back over there and get her digits, dog." 391 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,257 - Mm-hmm. 392 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,633 What about this one? What about this one? 393 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:31,054 "Man, you lucky your pops cares about you. 394 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,392 You lucky!" 395 00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:38,437 - It's ridiculous. 396 00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:41,231 Not every black person is wise and reasonable. 397 00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:44,109 - Mm-mm, in fact, for every Morgan Freeman, 398 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:45,736 there's, like, five Flavor Flavs. 399 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,404 - That's true. 400 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,781 [Onscreen voices] 401 00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:52,743 - [Slurps] 402 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,870 Mm-mm. Mm-mm. 403 00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:56,038 Come on, man, what you doin', man? 404 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,831 That's stupid. 405 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,250 That's stupid, man, don't do that, man. Come on. 406 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,877 - Are you kidding me? 407 00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:04,379 - Come on, man, don't go in there! 408 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:07,299 Do not go into a crane shot right now! 409 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:08,467 You kidding me? 410 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:10,052 - Yeah, man, I hear y'all. 411 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:13,639 This movie's got a inconsistent visual language! 412 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,682 - Half the time, this nigga just shootin' all hand-held 413 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,809 like he a dogma filmmaker! 414 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:18,977 That's funny, 415 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,687 since dogma clearly forbids 416 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,439 temporal and geographical alienation! 417 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:23,815 [Sudden music strike] 418 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,318 - Oh, I loved that shot the first time. 419 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,695 When it was in Nosferatu! 420 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,238 - [Laughs] That's right. 421 00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:31,698 - I mean, this nigga tryin' to do some homage 422 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,700 to the German expressionists or some shit! 423 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,494 - It's a visual medium, man! 424 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,830 Enough with this My Dinner with Andre bullshit! 425 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,624 - I mean, has this dude even heard of mise-en-scene? 426 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:43,335 Put some information up in the frame, bitch! 427 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:46,088 - Oh, I get it. Yeah. I'ma overexpose the film. 428 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,631 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Get an ethereal look. 429 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:48,799 Man, fuck that shit! 430 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,592 - Can we just go? 431 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,845 - Hold on, honey, they're actually making good points. 432 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:56,139 [Onscreen voices] 433 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:01,311 Hey, has this guy watched too much Quentin Tarantino or what? 434 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,188 - Sir, we're gonna need you to lower your voice. 435 00:17:03,314 --> 00:17:07,776 Too much talking, okay? Thank you. 436 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:11,488 I talked to him, sir. 437 00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,657 He's not gonna bother you anymore. 438 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,368 - Thank you. 439 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,919 - So, I am a pacifist. I'm against violence. 440 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,630 - Well, except-with the exception of video games. 441 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:30,382 - Yes, with the exception of video games. 442 00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:32,467 - And MMA. - Oh, yeah. 443 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,803 - And, uh, Game of Thrones. - Oh, yeah. 444 00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:37,431 - And The Wire. - Oh, yeah! 445 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,099 - And slasher movies. - Uh-huh. 446 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,434 All right, let me rephrase it. Let me rephrase it. 447 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,436 I am against violence involving me. 448 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,603 - That's-that's clear. - No, on- 449 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,105 yeah, on TV and movies, 450 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,356 that's where it's supposed to be. 451 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:47,858 Where no actual person gets hurt. 452 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,568 - I agree with that. I agree with that. 453 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,319 - Which is why I will not slap you high five anymore. 454 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,280 - Why-why? - Because. 455 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,490 There's that one time. 456 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,325 He slapped my hand so hard, 457 00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:59,077 my shit just turned into a pink mist. 458 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,037 [Imitates burst] 459 00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:05,333 - It was- We had done- 460 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:06,960 We had done something comedically 461 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,837 that worked really well, and I got excited. 462 00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:11,006 I came-I had to get in there! 463 00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,674 - No, you came at- - I had to get in there. 464 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,136 - Show-just show- Show me how you slap high five. 465 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,596 - Okay, I'll do it in slow motion. 466 00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,431 What happened was I came up in here- 467 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,016 I got my plant foot down. 468 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,976 - See, don't-no plant foot. No plant foot. 469 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,561 - Just got my plant foot down, 470 00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:26,271 and then I got some torque in my hips. 471 00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:28,690 - See, what's the- Why are you turning back here? 472 00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,400 - 'Cause I had to get that shit! 473 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:31,777 - No, man. - I had- 474 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,487 I got some torque, like, in my hips... 475 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:34,696 - No, this is- none of this. 476 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:35,989 - Went straight Tiger Woods on it. 477 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,407 - No, dude. - Got the hips around. 478 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,867 - Why you gotta be- - I got the hips around. 479 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,368 And then I just let- 480 00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:42,329 This shit was a whip. Just a straight whip. 481 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,997 And then... - Aah! 482 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,041 - And got in there. 483 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,334 I got in there, and then l- 484 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,794 I know you need to run, but come here. 485 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,629 And then I got him here, 486 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,547 and I had, like, a follow-through like that. 487 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,132 And I got through like that. 488 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,345 [Hip-hop music] 489 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,639 [Music stops] 490 00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,489 - You ready, homie? - Hells yeah. 491 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,616 - Let's take these motherfuckers out. 492 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,244 - Hold up. 493 00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:24,162 Nah... 494 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,622 - What? 495 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,749 - We gotta go back home, man. 496 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,167 - Why? 497 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,545 - I pooped my pants. 498 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,463 - What? - Just now. 499 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,757 I just pooped my pants. 500 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:36,925 - You-you got diarrhea? 501 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,760 - Hell no, man, I ain't gay. 502 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,097 We gotta go home right now, man, let me change my drawers. 503 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:43,849 - Man, the dudes we trying to smoke is right there. 504 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:46,309 - Man, how you want me to smoke somebody 505 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:50,689 when I got poop in my pants? 506 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:51,982 - Are you sure you pooped 'em? 507 00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:55,569 - Am I sure, nigga, am I sure? - Yeah. 508 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,736 - Yes. 509 00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,405 That is poop in my pants. 510 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,740 - That's nasty, man. - It's natural, man. 511 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,743 - For a three-year-old. Not for a hardcore gangsta. 512 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,328 - See, if you were my real friend, though, 513 00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,122 you wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. 514 00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,874 - Wouldn't make such a big deal out of it? 515 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,461 Nigga, you a grown-ass man who just shit in his drawers. 516 00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:15,380 - Oh, snap. 517 00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:17,549 - No, you didn't. 518 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:20,010 Nigga, you just shit your pants again. 519 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:21,928 - Don't judge. 520 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,263 - You need to get outta my car and go to the hospital. 521 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,307 - Okay, I see how it is. 522 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,434 See, I wouldn't do that to you, though. 523 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,936 - You never would have to do that to me, 524 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,772 because under no circumstances would I ever shit my pants. 525 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:33,940 [Cocks gun] 526 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:38,945 Uh-[gasps] 527 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,655 I'm sorry I judged you. 528 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:43,700 - Apology accepted. 529 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,202 [Cheers and applause] 530 00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:49,039 - Thank you. Thank you. 531 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:52,751 You're a champ. Awesome show. 532 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,754 [Beatbox music] 533 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,964 Good night, everybody! Thanks for coming out! 534 00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,967 - ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 535 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,595 - Oh, yeah. 536 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,642 - Not gonna give me a high five? - Ain't gonna happen, Jack. 537 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,560 Why don't people call each other Jack out of nowhere? 538 00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:13,229 - I miss Jack, and I miss the word "say." 539 00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:15,649 Say, Rich, where you goin'? I miss that. 540 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,317 - That's just '70s shit... "Say, Rich." 541 00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:18,526 - Say, Jack, where you goin', man? 542 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:19,694 - What's up, Jack?