Mrs. Claus is hot!
My name is Samantha Caine.
At least, l think it is.
You might not believe it, but l was born only eight years ago...
on a beach in New Jersey.
l entered the world fully grown, wearing clothes l don't remember buying.
ln the back pocket, a single key filed blank and faceless.
Fitting metaphor, but otherwise no help whatsoever.
None.
Sometimes l stand naked in the mirror. Try to guess my age.
Maybe 35?
l have lots of scars.
They call my condition ``focal retrograde amnesia.``
lt's no picnic, but l've learned to live with it.
Got a job l love. Been seeing someone.
Nice guy. Good sense of humor.
- Hound of the Baskervilles. - Mad dogs.
- Hal? - Yes, Sam.
Of all the Christmas pageants l've ever seen...
this is by far the most recent.
For God's sake, Sam, l have teenage girls playing the wise men.
- What did you expect? - Teenage boys?
l thought they did fine.
lt was the first Nativity where Joseph stares at the wise men's tits.
Her name is Caitlin.
When l woke up on that long-ago day, l was two-months pregnant with her.
l don't know who her father is. l may never. l just know she's mine.
His name is Mr. Perkins. My mom named him for me.
Caitlin, come help in the kitchen!
That's her.
- That's who? - Her mom.
She's got amnesia.
Swear?
Swear.
Too weird.
Hello, girls.
Caitlin, come help me in the kitchen.
Hurry up, l forget where it is.
Raymond!
Catch you smoking, they'll never find the body. Understand?
Yes, Ms. Caine.
Have a cookie.
As the year draws to a close...
l would like to share with you just a few things about myself.
Things of which l am especially proud.
First, l'm proud to say that...
l don't smoke...
l don't drink...
and l don't swear.
Oh, shit, l do smoke and drink.
To our dear friends.
May the best of your past be the worst of your future.
l'll drink to that.
Take a bow, my dear. Take a bow. We got the mistletoe.
Eight years.
Except for my name, all traces are lost.
l used to hire expensive detectives. Now l use the cheap ones.
Doesn't seem to matter. The woman l was...
the one l used to be, she's gone.
l've kissed her goodnight.
Police! Don't move!
What the hell is this?
Don't give me attitude, sir.
You're assuming l won't shoot your sorry ass.
When you make an assumption, you make an ``ass`` of you and ``umption.``
l'm Sgt. Madigan, Vice, and if you do cop a 'tude...
l will see to it you spend the next 10 years in prison getting ass-fucked.
lf the case is thrown out because my arrest was violent...
l will hire men to ass-fuck you for the next ten years.
So if you're an ass-fucking fan...
go ahead and mouth off.
Meanwhile, you're under arrest for the crime of prostitution.
Officer Dunleavy...
read him his rights.
- What? - His rights.
You have the ``remight``--
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say and do...
will be held against you--
Please, listen, l got a wife.
l never. This is the first time...
l've ever done this. l swear!
Sir! Listen to me.
l can see from your choice here, you're not a wealthy man.
Because of the damage this arrest could do to you...
l think we might be able to make an arrangement.
Oh, God!
Gotta stop using bums.
Forget that.
They looked like cops. We pulled it off, didn't we?
lt was embarrassing.
You want me to hire actors?
These guys are cheap. They work for food.
When they puke, is that a like a refund?
- What's this? - l got movement on Samantha Caine.
Really?
No, l may have a lead on someone...
who rented Amnesia Chick an apartment back in 1987.
They may still have some of her stuff.
Get outta here.
Where'd that come from?
Lucky break.
Old lady died, and one of her asshole grandkids found a credit card...
with the name Samantha Caine on it.
Tried to use it at Nordstroms.
Okay, here's what we do.
Get on the phone to Amnesia Chick. Tell her we need more cash.
That was a really swell party.
Thanks again for the ride.
You and Hal have been together, what, a couple of years?
How often do you two...
Stick our fingers in our hands and pull them out? Every chance we get.
Earl, do me a favor? Every few words blow bubbles and say ``hic.``
Goddamn it, l'm not drunk!
l'll prove it to you.
Come on.
Stop that!
l'm sorry.
And so much for the skydiving Santa of Hutchinson County.
Meanwhile, WlCC news...
journeyed to Honesdale, where Santa's own Mrs. Kringle turned out...
to celebrate her hubby's worldwide tour.
And after one look at her, l'm thinking...
Santa got what he really wanted this Christmas.
The parade included floats and participants from four counties.
Everyone enjoyed themselves, especially the young...
and the young at heart.
Gotta be fucking kidding!
No!
No fucking way!
lt's impossible!
You rest up...
and l'll see you in the morning.
Sweet dreams.
l want a cigarette.
l don't smoke.
You used to.
See how easy it comes back?
l'm coming back.
You know that, don't you?
Name's Charly by the way.
You're going to love me.
This is the intergalactic slammer. lt's a jail.
This is the Borian dude. Kind of like a dinosaur.
This is his escape chute. He's mean, quick, and he don't take no shit.
He can shoot at the guards with his arrow.
- Cool, huh? - Todd.
Time for dinner.
Now.
Guess you better go in.
Hope you like the toy.
lt's awesome.
Dad, Mom... she gets weird.
Like on my birthday when you gave me that Schwinn.
She called the bicycle store to see if there'd been any robberies.
Tell her l don't steal them locally, all right?
Sorry, but, l can't take this.
You know how Mom will get.
Guess l'll see ya.
All right.
How do you like that?
- Yo, Trin, me. What's up? - Ready to be happy?
Remember the landlady l told you about?
The Caine woman was her favorite tenant.
Then one day, the tenant never comes home.
Old lady very sad. So sad she can't throw away Amnesia Chick's shit.
lt's pay dirt, Mitch. Got an old postcard never mailed.
Woman telling everyone she just got engaged.
Samantha's handwriting. Perfect match.
She was engaged to some guy in Jersey. No phone number, just an address.
Holy shit! Score!
That's worth time and a half.
Double. l made us look good. Her other P.l.s couldn't find dick.
Course not. Took a true dickhound like yourself.
Tell Ms. Caine l'm coming to see her tonight.
Honey, you have an ETA on that carrot?
Stow it.
Maybe you should just take it with you to school.
You're killing me. You're so funny.
Here. Give me the knife.
No!
l'm going to cut this carrot, and you're going to eat it and like it.
Piss off.
Hon?
Look, will you?
How the hell?
l used to do this.
l'm a chef.
Look what she's doing.
Give me something else.
Quick, anything!
- Tomato. - Tomato.
Look.
- Look at this woman go. All right. - More!
Pepper. Pepper!
Celery!
Look at this!
More!
Scallions!
One more tomato.
Look at this woman. She's amazing!
Chefs do that.
Timothy, l know you're gonna kill me.
Please use the gun, not the knife
As a favor to me l'm begging you.
Goddamn it, how can l tell the Feds about the fucking ``Honeymoon`` thing?
l don't know a fucking thing about it.
No, you don't.
l don't know a fucking thing.
You know, l can tell when someone's lying to me.
What's so fucking important?
Remember your old colleague...
One-Eyed Jack?
He's doing 7-10 upstate.
Not anymore. He broke out. Two days after seeing...
something on TV that ``disturbed`` him.
Yeah, ``Baywatch Nights.`` You want to get to the fucking point?
Under sedation, he said Charly Baltimore's alive, sir.
Daedalus is concerned. He thought you disposed of her eight years ago.
l know it's highly unlikely, but if she were alive, she might be in contact...
with the old man in Massachusetts.
Tap his phone.
Tell Daedalus l'm on my way. Timothy, out.
l can't see Mr. Perkins.
He's there. He's on the sled, see him?
He's watching you.
He's very excited.
That's better.
Ready to try it alone?
l want you to hold my hand.
Just pretend l am.
You can do it. Piece of cake.
Here we go.
Ready?
- Mom, it won't work. Swear. - Sure it will.
You're one of the X-men. You're tough. Ready? Let go.
- 3, 2, 1, go! - Wait! l'm not ready!
Go!
Keep going!
l can't do it.
l want to go home.
l know you're afraid. That's the whole point.
Can't you see that?
Stop being a little baby and get up.
l can't skate anymore. My wrist hurts.
Life is pain.
Get used to it.
You will skate all the way to the shore, princess.
And you will not fall again.
Am l understood?
l'm just guessing, but...
this is a tree house. l think you wanted a doghouse.
Little joke.
She said that her wrist hurt.
l didn't know it was fractured.
l don't remember...
what l said to her.
l can't remember.
No!
l'm not going to hurt you.
lt's not me l'm worried about.
Evening, Charly.
Long time.
Get out!
l want my eye back, bitch!
Chefs do that.
Caitlin! Oh, my God! We have to find Caitlin.
Slow down! Your kid's okay.
She's in my car.
Jesus! What the hell's going on here?
Freeze!
Don't hurt him!
Don't shoot!
Yeah, don't shoot! Like she said!
Call an ambulance!
This man? He's gonna...
help me find out some things.
So we'll be safe.
You understand?
When will you be back home?
Before you know it. l swear.
Here.
l want you to keep a candle burning in the window...
for me.
That's called ``keeping a vigil.``
That's to light my way home.
Here.
This is to my portable phone.
l keep it with me.
You call me anytime.
Why don't you keep this?
For luck.
Let's have Mr. Perkins wear it.
There.
See?
You do what you have to.
But, Sam...
the person you used to be...
whatever you find...
l'm not scared.
l never will be. Not ever.
Thank you.
Mr. Perkins...
you lost one of your agents...
whose training included, among other things...
counterassassination.
Now she turns up as belle of the Christmas parade.
That information is two weeks old, Mr. President.
To my knowledge...
Charlene Baltimore died...
in my employ. Relic of the Cold War.
The kind of violent operative that has since been eliminated from our ranks.
You recruited this woman?
For Chapter, sir.
Her father was...
a friend of mine.
Stop, l don't want to hear that stuff.
The ``intelligence`` community.
You people are unbelievable.
You dump a mess like this in my lap...
and then you come whining to me, ``Where's our funding?``
l'll tell you where it is.
Can you say, ``health care``?
l'm not talking 'bout moving in
And l don't want
To change your life
But there's a warm wind
Blowing the stars around
And l'd really love to see you tonight
l'm not talking 'bout the linen
- And l don't want to change your life - ``Moving in.``
What?
lt's, uh--
The song's not about linen.
Yeah, whatever.
So, you cold?
- Yeah, freezing. - Turn on the heat.
lt doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise.
- Distracts from the cold. - l'll pass, thanks.
Who knew l had an old fiance?
And now we're just going to pay a surprise visit?
There are no bells or whistles because l don't remember any of this.
That's too bad. That's the cream of the crop, believe me.
l forgot to ask.
Why is it that you got so far?
Say what?
Well, l mean...
you seem kind of low-rent.
No offense.
None taken. Really, l was about to--
Shit!
Are you okay?
ls your neck all right? You don't have whiplash?
What?
l'm just...
Since you almost ran us off the road, l'm wondering what it is...
that you get from an experience like that?
Don't get me wrong. l'm sure it's enriching in some way...
and l know she was probably moved by some asshole screaming out the window.
l didn't hang out the window and yell. l checked out her form, okay?
lf it's any consolation, you got her beat hands down.
Really?
Yeah, from the neck up.
This is exciting.
You saw her tits. lt's so neat.
Look, it's a guy thing, all right?
Now you got a nice body and all...
but those, you could see them coming around the corner.
You got time to comb your hair. Shit.
What's that?
Charly was my name in the dream.
``To Charly. Love, Nathan``
``Nathan J. Waldman, Ph.D.``
All right, let's find a phone.
Found one.
Find his number.
- Take the stand. - l got it. Now what'll l do with it?
Sit down!
Alice, please.
Your dog, Alice.
lt and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
- What's wrong with the dog? - lt's simple.
He's been licking his asshole for the last three hours.
l submit that there's nothing there worth more than an hour's attention.
And l think that whatever he's attempting to dislodge...
is either gone for good...
or there to stay.
Wouldn't you agree?
Mr. Waldman...
l got your number from a realtor...
in Massachusetts, and l'd just like to speak to you.
Who is this?
You tell me, Mr. Waldman.
My full name, please?
God!
lt's really you.
``Chapter``...
they think you're dead.
- My full name, please! - You don't know your name?
Your full name...
is Charlene Elizabeth Baltimore.
Don't talk, just listen. You could be in danger, understand?
We must meet.
We must meet straightaway. Where are you now?
ln Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.
We'll meet halfway.
There's a town in New Jersey, Chesterman.
Tomorrow.
Central train station...
at 1 1 a.m.
Meet me.
l'll tell you everything.
Signal Daedalus.
We got her.
- Curry Brand cat food. - Could you spell that, please?
Curry Brand.
All this shit is the same anyway.
Yeah? You don't happen to have a cat?
What do l need a cat for? l got a girl.
Yeah, pussy's pussy.
- Mom, can l stay up for ``Rugrats``? - What, sweetie?
``Rugrats.`` l want to stay up.
Yes, you can stay up for ``Rugrats.``
l'm gonna go now.
All right.
- Mommy loves you. - l love you too.
Big kiss.
- Bye, Mommy. - Good night.
Put my glasses in my pocket
Put the jacket on the chair
l sing the things l do, so l won't forget.
Like...
Turning off the downstairs' light
Before l go to bed at night
Shit.
l can't take this...
fucking waiting.
Excuse me.
Do you normally curse this much?
What are you, a Mormon?
Yes, that's why l just smoked a pack of Newports...
and drank three vodka tonics. What l'm saying is...
back when we first met you were all like...
``Oh, phooey! l burned the darn muffins.``
Now, you go into a bar...
ten minutes later sailors come running out. What up with that?
Thanks for sharing.
Mind your own damn business.
While you're at it, if you're going to smoke inside...
close the damn door.
l heard you scream--
Shit!
Henessey...
l didn't know about the gun. l wasn't hiding things. l swear.
- Goddamn it, stop walking! - l'm going home!
And so are you!
l paid you!
Well, here! Take your money!
Take it!
l can't go home.
Until l know why that man tried to kill me, l'm trapped.
lt's like l'm in a goddamn prison! Do you know how that feels?
Yeah, l know exactly what that's like!
Four years inside. Marion, lllinois.
A real shithole!
And l'm not going back!
Seven years ago l was an Atlanta cop.
Me and my partner handled a lot of impounded shit.
That motherfucker hated me.
l forget why, but he did.
On one weekend...
when he was conveniently away...
some bonds disappeared from his office.
Lo and behold, when my brothers in blue responded to an anonymous tip...
you'll never guess what they found sitting in my closet.
The bonds.
Your partner put them there.
No, l did.
l stole the damn things.
l never did one thing right in my life. You know that?
Not one.
That takes skill.
You just missed our exit.
Give me back my money.
Oh, so you're--
l'm taking you to the train station, yes.
To meet Mr. Waldman.
Here you go. Merry Christmas.
Bah humbug.
Look out the window. Shut up.
You know we're about ten minutes early.
l've got a bad feeling about this.
Put my keys in my left pocket
- Gun in the right-hand side - lt makes a bulge you can see.
l should stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
Now you're a sharpshooter?
Going to shake hands with the man
- How you doing? - Hi.
lt's for you.
Another in a long line of...
bad personal investments.
- Excuse me? - Just saw the ring on your finger.
Do l know you from somewhere?
Back up. Total pickup line.
Forget l said it. l take it back.
Thank you for the beer, but...
l don't know you, no.
No, you don't.
l can tell when someone's...
lying to me. l'm sorry to have bothered you.
Yours?
Who's your boyfriend?
Some guy.
Okay, people, l got what l need.
Move in. Do them both.
That man walking this way.
ls that him?
l think so.
Mr. Waldman?
Gun!
Jesus wept!
Let's go!
We got to get to the car. This way!
Come on!
Go! Go! No! Come on!
No, this way!
Move it!
Come on, Ms. Caine! Come on!
Oh, shit!
Take this! l got three shots left in this revolver.
You got a full clip. Just point...
and spray. Okay?
Ready? And...
Fuck it! Run for your life!
There's no way out!
- Jump! - That's a three-story drop!
Are you crazy?
- What happened? - l saved your ass. lt was great!
We've got to get to the car!
This way. Come on!
Get down!
Get in, both of you!
Now!
l said now!
We jumped out of a building!
Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.
You're Waldman.
No, l'm the Hill Brothers bean buyer. Who else would l be? Hang on.
lf you want me to talk in front of him, you may be asked...
to kill him later.
lt works for me. Your call. Fire out the back if you have to.
- Old man, how many of those you got? - Three.
One shoulder, one hip and one here...
right next to Mr. Wally.
Most patdowns never reveal it as an agent's often reluctant to feel up...
another man's groin.
Other questions?
What's the weather like on your planet?
Charlene, my darling.
My name is Samantha, Samantha Caine.
No, forget all that. The schoolteacher business...
was your cover. Do you hear me, Charly?
Your memory was gone. You bought your own cover.
lt was a fantasy for Christ's sake!
Samantha Caine never existed.
You wrote the bloody thing!
No, it's not a fantasy. l'm in the goddamn P.T.A.!
Then quit!
You're an assassin working for the United States Government.
l ought to know.
l trained you.
Get the fuck out of here!
Assassin!
Your father was...
in the Royal lrish Rangers, assigned to Belfast.
After he was murdered there in 1975...
his friend, Perkins, adopted you, or perhaps l should say...
recruited you, to work for Chapter...
a blackbag operation working from the U.S. State Department.
You getting this?
October, 1988, you were assigned...
to take out a munitions dealer named Daedalus...
and his hired enforcer, Timothy.
You failed to complete your mission...
electing instead to die, of all things, despite clear orders to the contrary.
Dead you remain. Until without preamble...
you reemerge eight years later and a good deal frumpier.
Anyhow, l think we can safely assume...
that Daedalus is aware of your resurrection...
and attempting to reverse it.
He'll be watching the police, hospitals. We must stay away, understand?
Mr. Henessey, can l help you?
Henessey, what is it?
- lt's a setup. lt's got to be. - Put that down.
This is not an episode of television.
Those guys back at the train station.
How'd they know we'd be there? lmpossible! Unless Waldman told them.
- l did nothing of the kind. - They tapped your phone.
l know it sounds preposterous.
Just happen to know we'd be calling?
- Get in the car. - All right.
See here, my friend.
Oh, shit!
Get in the car, now!
How about it? You believe any of the crap that guy said?
Well... no.
That guy was a lunatic.
We got to talk to someone else.
You thinking what l'm thinking?
l hope not because l'm thinking how much my balls hurt.
But if you're talking about the postcard...
l don't think l want to meet any more of your old friends.
We have no choice.
We need some answers, or we're gonna die.
l saw you from the road.
l think your name is Luke...
and l think l was going to marry you.
Charly
Oh, baby!
Oh, man.
Luke.
She's my only daughter...
and l don't quite trust you yet.
So what about it?
- You and Mr. Outdoors bump pelvises? - lt's possible.
And how about your daughter? What's her name, Cathead?
- Caitlin. - You think he might be the father?
l don't know. But all these little details about him are coming back.
- l'm remembering things. - Like what?
ls this ``America's Funniest Practical Videos`` or something?
Keep your fucking hands where l can see them!
l had an itch.
Charly, this is crazy.
You and me, we were like...
Don't you remember? Hell, you pursued me.
l know that he has a pin in his leg. Car accident.
l know he cuts his own hair.
He doesn't own a TV.
He sits down when he pees.
That's enough. l'm getting a boner.
l know this man. l must have been seeing him.
Let me talk to him.
Alone.
l'm sorry.
Do you want to take a walk?
Got me a handgun
Got a rifle too
Anybody fuck with Mitch
He know just what to do
'Cause l'm a
Bad motherfucker
Stay quiet and drop the rifle.
How'd you find us?
There may be many reasons not to kill you...
but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA.
l found the address in your coat.
Here. Between the address of a topless bar...
and a picture of what looks like a man's penis.
That's a duck, not a dick.
The man she's with. Who is he?
Her former fiance. His name's Luke.
Former fiance? That's ridiculous. She was never engaged.
l just went through this with her. She knows how the man pees.
Look at him. He's cool.
Former fiance.
- Why on earth would she think that? - We found a note.
lt's in her handwriting.
- She saw a note? - Who are you, William Shatner?
Calm down.
- Yeah, a note to her uncle. - Max?
Uncle Max!
That's the agency, you blithering idiot!
And the word ``engaged`` means she's locked on to target. Fuck!
- Not a former lover but a target? - Her target, yes!
She knows things because she studied the bastard to assassinate him.
Shit!
- Sam! - Charly!
He's Daedalus!
Get out of there! lt's him!
Well, howdy there.
lf it isn't the forgetful spy. How you feeling?
You're the man from the bar.
Will you look at her. She's not faking it.
She doesn't know me from Adam.
lt's not that l don't trust my compadre here, Major Baltimore.
ln fact, l had every confidence that your amnesia was genuine.
Until you showed up here.
You follow?
l'm trying to pull off the biggest job of my career...
so, darling, l have to know...
how much about me you really remember.
And who you've told.
l haven't told a soul. l swear.
We'll soon know.
What is this? Some kind of torture thing?
Torture, yes.
A woman's face never looks...
quite so beautiful as when it's distended in pain.
Witness...
the beauty of childbirth.
Untie me, and l'll make any face you want.
Let's not and say we did.
Take a deep breath.
We're gonna do the torture thing.
Operation Honeymoon is on schedule.
l've secured the tanker.
Now l just got to make the soup.
l'll follow as soon as l'm done here.
Ten minutes in this cold water, she'll be insane or dead.
Five minutes. She'll tell me everything l need.
That's right. Take in all the air you can.
lf you need to vomit, do it now.
So you...
don't remember anything...
at all?
Best night of your fucking life.
l say drown the wench.
Talk to me, Major.
ls my identity safe?
My name is Samantha Caine.
Answer the question.
Who knows about me?
Nobody!
Fuck you!
l hate to see you like this, Charly.
l heard you were a hell of a spy once.
Watch your back.
l'm not done yet.
Goodnight.
Okay, l'll signal Daedalus. Your money will be waiting.
Jack...
do yourself a favor, man.
Don't let her looks fool you.
She's the fucking Energizer Bunny.
Just do her and dump her.
Don't get cute and play doctor first. l made that mistake.
Nearly killed me.
Little fucker.
Daedalus...
l'll make you a deal.
Let me go now...
and l'll leave you the use of your legs.
Why have you resurfaced?
ls it Operation Honeymoon? ls that it?
Who sent you?
Why are you here?
l let you touch me, cowboy.
l think l need a bath.
Samantha, please.
Who's Samantha?
Where's Henessey?
Hey, Mitch!
You're awake.
You're seeping.
Here...
look at this.
Oh, shit!
That hurt like shit.
l know. That's why l distracted you first.
Same principle as deflowering virgins.
What? Virgins? What?
l read it in this Harold Robbins' book. The guy bites her on the ear.
Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?
No, l sock them in the jaw and yell, ``Pop goes the weasel.``
Who the fuck are you?
Name's Charly, the spy.
Nice to meet you.
Drink?
As you can see, things are still crazy, but the sheriff has told me this:
There have been gunshots--
Okay, let's say l buy it.
You are a trained killer.
l can't even say that with a straight face.
So, Samantha, she...
Never really existed.
Like Nathan said. She was a total fabrication.
l made her up.
So now she's just gone?
- Forever and ever? - Thank God!
Look at my inordinately large ass.
Look what she did to me.
Pretty convincing act.
l guess.
You know...
her personality had to come from somewhere.
Change the subject.
Better yet. Bring me that bottle.
Here you go. Drink up.
So what's next?
- What do we do now? - l contact Chapter.
l come in for debriefing. Bury the last eight years.
Get back to work.
Cheers!
Would you believe it, Harry?
We got an appropriations review in three weeks...
and now the President wants to know how l managed to lose an agent.
Yes, sir, you have a call on line three, sir.
You going to tell me who it is?
Charly Baltimore, sir.
Run a trace.
This is Mr. Perkins.
Turn on the TV. Farm in New Jersey. Seven dead.
Good Lord, girl, we've been looking all over for you.
l got a photo of you in a Christmas parade.
What the hell is happening?
Don't be stupid.
l completed my assignment.
You mean Daedalus?
l shot him. He's pretty much dead.
Actually l would have done it earlier, say in '92...
but l was baking. Don't ask.
l want to come in.
Sure.
Of course.
Let me direct you to a safe house.
Forget it.
We play it my way.
You want me back, then you stay away. l'll call you.
Those are the rules, understand?
Shit!
Did you hear that?
lf she got to Daedalus...
she could know about Honeymoon.
She might know that old targets are now your new best friends.
That could be trouble.
Goddamn you.
There were weapons on that farm. She's armed.
Stop having kittens.
You're the head of a major spy network, and you have a tendency to whine.
She could compromise this entire operation.
We have 24 hours.
We find her...
and we kill her.
Do whatever it takes but be careful.
lf it gets out you're working for me...
l'll be grabbing my ankles on the White House lawn.
The lady's wacked. She's lost it. l gotta get out of here.
l need you to meet me.
l'll sneak out to this phone and call you at midnight with the details.
All right, Sam, what did that accomplish?
l'm testing our boy Perkins. Got a light?
l don't really trust him.
Come again?
Little experiment.
lf he was looking for me in Pennsylvania, he tapped your office.
You mean he just traced that call?
Come midnight, you hang by the phone.
lf he wants to erase me...
he'll send someone to kidnap and torture you for my whereabouts.
ln which case, hey, l don't trust him.
No. Time out.
l haven't had a date in eight years, Mitch.
ls this a fun date?
What's going on?
True love.
Shut the fuck up.
A beautiful...
white lady seducing the colored help.
Get real, sweetheart. l ain't handsome. l ain't rich...
and the last time l got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.
- What's going on? - Chemistry. Go figure.
Chemistry, my ass!
You know what l think?
l think this is why you'd fuck me.
To kill a schoolteacher.
To bury her once and for all.
l kind of like that schoolteacher.
When she comes back, you give me a call.
Oh, and call your fucking kid.
lt's two days to Christmas.
She might be under the mistaken impression Mommy gives a fuck.
l didn't ask for the kid.
Samantha had the kid, not me!
Nobody asked me!
Good evening, lady. How about some company?
No, thanks. l'm saving myself until l get raped.
Step in the alley.
l ain't asking you. l'm telling you.
Fuck.
Goddamn it.
You're early. So Perkins wants me dead? What's the rush?
Why don't you go away and come back at midnight? Shoo!
Honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
This ain't no ham on rye, pal.
What the hell are you doing?
Saving your life.
l'd have been here sooner, but l was thinking of the ham-on-rye line.
You think l can't take him?
- You probably scared the others away. - What others?
Headhunters, nimrod. They don't travel alone.
Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?
Lessons.
- Hey! - What?
l still got this fucking gun.
Fuck this!
Put that away.
l'm out of here.
Perkins, you prick.
Now you want me dead. Why? What's going on?
Easy, sport.
l got myself out of Beirut.
l think l can get out of New Jersey.
Don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed.
The entire population in fact.
Question.
You keep saying ``l`` this, ``l`` that, like...
lt's like you don't need me anymore.
Good point.
Get in.
Found a use for me, huh?
Yep.
l'm leaving the country, Mitch.
l need a fake passport and money. Lots of it.
Why didn't you say so?
Hold on a minute while l pull that out of my ass.
The key, Mitch. The one l keep on the charm bracelet.
lt opens box 227 in a bank in Buffalo.
How the fuck would you know? The numbers are filed off.
l filed them off.
There's a briefcase...
in box 227. lt's got cash and lDs in it.
l need you to get them for me.
l should of known.
So where's this charm bracelet?
Yeah, well...
That's the thing about being a secret agent.
Nothing is ever simple.
Drive past. Don't slow down.
Park under those trees.
Honk if there's any trouble.
Yes'm, Miss Daisy, l be honking.
Good morning.
Good morning, Ms. Caine.
What have we learned about the dangers of smoking?
Give it here.
Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me...
l'll blow your fucking head off.
Fuck!
You're about to have 2.4 children.
Merry Christmas.
So, how far to the money?
Hour, tops.
Haven't seen a cop in a while.
So, Mitch.
Still think l'm warm and fuzzy?
Yeah, sure.
Anything?
Phone bill...
Christmas card.
You know, you could've aimed for those guys' shoulders.
Back off, man.
l'm thinking...
maybe Samantha Caine wasn't an act.
You had amnesia and all, but...
l think maybe you forgot to hate yourself...
for a while.
What the fuck is that?
lt's me. l got your kid.
Give your location. Don't waste time.
State road 5.
15 minutes east of Union Springs, New York.
l don't like cellular phones, so here's what we do.
Go to the Holiday lnn nearest you. There's one in Cayuga.
Be there when l call in 15 minutes.
Who?
- He's got the kid. - Timothy?
He's routing me to a landline.
He doesn't want to talk over the airwaves.
Oh, shit!
Maybe we can trace him.
Trace him? How? lt's a random motel.
- How long did he give you? - 15 minutes.
Fuck, why don't we try the phone company?
Think you can get here in under 15 minutes?
Nobody move!
You.
You've got 40 seconds to run a patch for me.
Everybody up! Against the wall!
Holiday lnn, Chet speaking.
l'd like to page Charlene Baltimore, please.
Please hold.
lt's me.
No shit. Verify you have the kid.
How else would l get your cellular number?
l got it off the cast on her right wrist.
Right below ``Mommy loves you.``
l offer up a simple trade.
You for the girl.
l'll tell you where and when. And Charly?
You fuck with me...
l'll blind the kid...
and shoot out her knees.
Give me an ANl trace.
Do it.
How do you know so much about this Timothy character?
What do you think? l bumped pelvises with him.
He was a target, remember?
Ma'am?
That call was placed from Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls?
Operation Honeymoon.
Bingo!
Perkins.
What's he doing here?
Timothy acting alone...
we had a chance.
Charly's hooked.
All we gotta do is set a time and a place.
My God, we're monsters.
You talk to me about Honeymoon.
Tanker's ready.
One terrorist on ice waiting to play patsy.
And no loose ends?
No, not that l can tell.
The Feds are going to find him...
crashed in a ravine five miles from the blast site.
l'm not a complete ogre.
The young one gets a doll to play with at Christmas.
Oh, fuck you.
- l think l should go in first. - Negative.
You'd just screw it up.
l'm a much better shot up close.
You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom. Forget it.
Here.
The guards are at 126.9 megahertz.
You meet me...
at 127.1, you need to talk.
As soon as you spot me with the kid, you start laying down cover fire.
All right.
They're going to blow my head off, you know.
This is the last time l'll ever be pretty.
Northeast sector, all clear.
Bogey.
Round her up, gentlemen.
l want her alive and unmarked.
She's got the kid!
l smell gasoline.
You have a little accident?
l got plenty of matches. Be a bad way for a kid to go.
30 seconds. Think it over.
Pick him up.
l'm gonna miss you, Major.
You ought really to have stayed dead. You don't know the rules anymore.
Tell me about it.
Eight years ago, this guy was on the hit list.
Budget cuts, dear.
Congress blinded us overseas.
l was forced to turn to any eyes and ears l could find...
even if it meant recruiting the ``bad guys`` here.
Budget cuts.
ls that what this is about?
Operation Honeymoon.
Fuck me!
You're running a fund-raiser.
Fund-raiser?
1993.
World Trade Center bombing, remember?
During the trial, one of the bombers claimed the ClA had advance knowledge.
The diplomat who issued the terrorist's visa was ClA.
lt's not unthinkable they paved the way...
for the bombing purely to justify a budget increase.
You're going to fake a terrorist thing to scare money out of Congress?
Unfortunately...
l have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people.
So we're just going to have to do it for real.
Blame it on the Muslims, naturally.
Then l get my funding.
Goodnight, old girl.
Timothy, l'll be in Chopper 1.
No, just her.
l'll be waiting for you to come rescue me.
Be just a minute.
So, you plant this poor Arab to take the fall.
What's going out in the tanker?
Come on.
l'm going to die. l want to know.
Chemical bomb.
Chain reaction.
Once started, it can't be stopped.
The catalyst injected into the tanker heats up.
We pull the truck into the center of town.
Goes critical around midnight.
Farewell.
Adieu.
Please.
Let my kid go.
l'm about all out of favors, Chuck.
l'm already letting you spend time with her while you freeze to death.
They're going to find your bodies...
somewhere in Pennsylvania.
And you're just going to be...
written off as some crazy mommy...
who kidnapped her own kid...
and died with her in a blizzard.
Goddamn you.
Look at her eyes.
Why exactly would l want to do that?
Because they're yours.
That night...
with you, l got pregnant.
The little girl is your daughter.
That's priceless.
Would you bring my little bitch in here?
Hi, princess.
You mind if l take a look at your fucking eyes?
We're going to take a nap together.
Like the bears in winter.
Yeah, bears. Thank you. Thank you!
We'll fall deep asleep.
lt ain't over.
You're going to die screaming.
And l'm going to watch.
Am l telling the truth?
Mommy, it's cold in here.
Just for a minute.
Polar bears, remember?
Open.
Okay, step over this way.
Now.
Give me a spark.
- Sorry to keep you waiting. - For you, Tim?
Always a pleasure to wait.
l wanted to tell you this story. The Grinch, like a mean fucker...
but--
Come on! Do it!
lt being Christmas Eve, l'm going to give you a choice.
The knife?
Or the gun?
Do it!
Mommy, don't cry.
l keep these here for lighting your candle.
l love you!
Sam called Washington.
By morning this place will be crawling with Feds.
We'll be gone by then.
Yeah, that's what l'm saying.
Couple of those Feds said they couldn't sleep and might come early.
That tanker goes bang at 312 degrees Celsius.
Right in the center of town.
25 minutes from now.
Mommy, am l gonna die?
No, baby.
You're not going to die.
They are.
Cover your ears.
Should we get a dog?
Bye, Mitch.
Thanks for coming.
You foxy bitch!
- Mommy! - Run!
Hide!
Yeah, Sam. They don't know who they're fucking with.
Where the fuck is that kid going?
Shit!
Move it out!
And find that bitch!
All right, people, listen up.
Nothing changes.
lcy roads. Five miles past the town limit.
Plant the car in the ravine and get your asses out of there.
Where'd you go, baby?
Show Mommy.
Sam, are you out there?
Sam, where are you?
Mitch, l don't believe it!
l just saw Caitlin climb in the back of the truck.
She's locked in the tool box.
- Left rear. - Jesus, the truck is a bomb!
Tell me something l don't know.
Timothy rigged it.
312 degrees, it goes boom. We have 20 minutes, tops.
l'll go in and get her.
- No chance. - l'm close.
l make it a dozen, with automatic weapons.
Kill them, bitch! What are you good for?
You can do this.
Just do one thing right.
Talk to me, Mitch.
Please.
Goddamn it.
On your nine, Mitch!
30 degrees left.
Left!
Your other left!
- Gracias. - De nada.
They've got you flanked!
Get out now!
Move it out! Let's go!
Listen up. She's going to make a try for the payload.
Units 2 and 4, watch your back.
Sky 1, get me a chopper in the air. l'm on my way. Out.
Let me through.
Out!
Clear out! This truck's going to blow up!
Sir, she's got the truck. She's headed out of town.
l'm hurt real bad, maybe dying.
Continue dying. Out!
Head her off. Please!
What the fuck!
Not fair!
Not fucking fair!
Get out of the way!
Hang on, Catey!
Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.
Oh, honey...
only four inches?
You'll feel me.
Mommy!
Must be in the truck.
Get away from her!
Help!
- Mommy, l hit my head. - Come on.
Run.
Get out.
Don't go away again. Please!
The truck is a bomb.
lt's going to blow up.
Go.
l'm right behind you, baby.
Go. Don't look back.
Good girl.
Here! Over here!
Mommy, no!
lt's okay.
l'm sorry l left.
Please, get up.
Charlie Team 1, we are ready to advance.
Charlie 1, that's a negative. Orders are to...
stand down until notified.
Stop it.
Stop being a little baby.
Get up now. You're not dead.
Don't you die! You get up now!
Life is pain!
You just get used to it!
Stand up right this minute, Mommy!
You're grounded.
Get me to the bridge!
l'm not leaving until l know...
that bitch is dead!
Somebody!
Help me!
l got a kid here!
l got...
my eight-year-old daughter. Do you hear me?
Somebody get this motherfucker off me!
- Help me. - Negative, ma'am.
We understand your request, but--
That's right! You can't kill me, motherfuckers!
Get in.
Stay here.
l'm here!
l'm here, you bastard.
Die screaming, motherfucker!
Don't let her get to the border! Cut them off!
Don't hit the cars!
l'm sorry.
l can't drive anymore.
You okay?
Are you stupid?
Hey, gorgeous...
you got your mama's eyes.
Don't let nobody tell you different.
Hang in there, partner.
Did you forget we're rich?
l'm putting your call through to the President.
- Hello, Ms. Caine. - Yes, Mr. President.
l owe you...
the country owes you, a debt of tremendous gratitude.
l wonder, would l be out of line if...
l asked you to come back into government?
Work for the State Department?
Out of the question, sir. l have a stack of papers to grade.
The money involved would be...
substantial.
You'd be surprised how much a good teacher can earn.
Oh, gosh, l know, and l am working on it.
But it's for next term.
Before l go, sir. There is a small favor l'd like to ask.
Welcome to ``Larry King Live.`` We seek closure in the Perkins' matter...
He's been indicted on six counts of high treason.
Joining us is ClA Section Chief, Walter Hodge.
He's in Langley, Virginia.
At our studio in New York, intelligence analyst...
Jack E. Wadsworth.
And in our studio here, Pittsburgh native Mitchell Henessey...
who in a surprise press conference was singled out...
by the President of the United States for his role in this affair.
As they say, ``That ain't hay.`` Hello, Mitch, and thanks for coming.
Thank you, Mr. K, for having me.
Mitch, you have had one hell of a Christmas Eve.
We've heard from our reporter, Carla Grebs, in Niagara Falls...
that when she first heard the story, she didn't believe it, right?
What Carla failed to realize, Mr. King, is that...
l am always frank and earnest with women.
ln New York, l'm Frank. ln Chicago, l'm Ernest.
Yeah, l could just sit out here forever.
Couldn't you?