♪ BA-BA-DU-BOP BOOP BOP BOOP ♪
♪ BA-BA-DU-BOP BOO-DOO-BOP ♪
♪ BA-BA-DU-BOP BOOP BOP BOOP ♪
♪ BA-BA-DU-BOP BOO-DOO-BOP ♪
[WHISTLING]
♪ BA-BA-DU-BOP BOOP BOP BOOP ♪
♪ BA-BA-DU-BOP BOO-DOO-BOP ♪
[GRRRR]
[WHISTLING]
♪ BA-BA-DU-BOP BOOP BOP BOOP DU-BOP ♪
Doug voice-over: PROFESSOR PORKCHOPPIE.
AND I, FLASH ASIMOV,
VOLUNTEERED TO BE SHRUNKEN TO MICROSCOPIC SIZE.
YOUR SHIP, GENTLEMEN.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DISNEY CHANNEL AND THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
AND IT'S GOT A KICKIN' STEREO, MAN.
YOUR MISSION:
DISCOVER WHY SHE IS SO ANNOYING.
LET'S GET THIS SHOW OVER WITH, ALL RIGHT?
ENGAGING LAUNCH PROPULSION!
STILL NO SIGN OF A BRAIN ANYWHERE.
HA HA.
STAY OUT OF MY ROOM! YOU ARE NEVER RIGHT!
DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!
YOU PEDESTRIAN PLEBE!
JUDY'S OBNOXIOUS ANTIBODIES!
TAKE EVASIVE ACTION!
Arguing Antibodies: AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
TO KEEP OUT OF MY BLOODSTREAM?
WE'VE LOCATED THE PROBLEM, PROFESSOR.
A MALFUNCTIONING RUNG IN JUDY'S DNA LADDER!
[GNASHING AND GNARLING]
BIG SISTER GENES!
IT'S MORE HORRIBLE THAN I EVER IMAGINED!
DR. SKEETRIX!
GET US OUT OF HERE BEFORE... OH, NO!
[ZOMBIE-LIKE VOICE] "TO BE OR NOT TO BE..."
SHAKESPEARE. OH, I'M TOO LATE!
"TO BE OR NOT TO BE!"
EVACUATE BEFORE WE'RE ALL TURNED INTO
PERFORMANCE ARTISTS!
AAH!
BIG SISTER GENE, GET OUT!
[SCREAMS]
"TO BE OR NOT TO BE,
THAT IS THE QUESTION."
[FOOTSTEPS]
[WHISTLING]
THAT'S ME.
[CLICK]
Doug voice-over: HAVING A NEW BABY CAN BE FUN,
BUT MOSTLY, IT JUST HURTS MY EYES.
[COOING]
HUH?
DAD, YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN A PICTURE
OF THE BACK OF HER RIGHT EAR YET.
YOU'RE RIGHT, SON!
Doug voice-over: IT SEEMS LIKE ALL MOM AND DAD DO.
IS TAKE PICTURES OF HER.
[GIGGLES]
WE DON'T HAVE ONE OF HER WEARING A HAT.
[GIGGLES]
WE DON'T HAVE ONE OF HER SITTING IN A HAT!
NOW, THAT'S CUTE!
Doug voice-over: I WONDER HOW MANY BABY PICTURES.
IS TOO MANY?
NEW BABIES DO SOMETHING TO PARENTS.
IT'S KIND OF SCARY TO SEE.
LOOK AT THIS ONE, RUBY!
SHE'S IN A HAT!
[LAUGHS]
LIKE A LITTLE ANGEL FROM HEAVEN.
[TALKING BABY TALK]
SUCH A NICE LOOKING YOUNG LADY.
DALE'S NEVER SEEN A LITTLE BABY BEFORE.
LOOK HOW INTERESTED HE IS.
DOGGY? NO-NO!
BATTIE? UH-UH!
CAMEL! CAMEL! CAMEL!
CAMEL!
SEE HOW DALE'S TRYING TO TEACH THE BABY?
WE'RE HAVING DALE TESTED TO SEE IF HE'S ANOTHER,
UH, UH, YOU KNOW,
ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF STUFF UP TOP...
INSIDE HIS SKULL.
GENIUS.
YEAH, A GENIUS LIKE... THE OTHER ONE...
HIS BROTHER... THE BLUE KID.
SKEETER!
LOOK! YOU KNOW HOW MANY KIDS
WOULD JUST LET IT RUN?
GENIUS!
ME COOKIE HEAD MONKEY.
IF THIS KID IS A GENIUS, I'M A CAMEL!
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE THE BABY TESTED
SO WE CAN SEE IF SHE'S GIFTED.
Mom: I ALREADY KNOW ONE GIFT.
SHE THROWS HER TOYS
FARTHER THAN DOUG OR JUDY EVER DID.
Announcer: THE BLUFFINGTON BUMPERS ARE AHEAD,
THANKS TO THEIR STAR PLAYER...
DIRTBIKE FUNNIE!
I'M SO GLAD WE HAD THE BABY TESTED
AND SAW HER POTENTIAL EARLY.
GO!
HUH?
Player: HERE IT IS! GET THE LITTLE...
GET HER!
NO ONE DRIBBLES LIKE OUR BABY!
WE COULD HELP HER BE A GREAT BASKETBALL STAR.
I BET SHE'LL BE MORE THAN THAT.
[LULLABY PLAYS]
MY NEXT GUEST IS A WORLD-FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER,
ASTRONOMER,
HOLDER OF THE TENNIS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP,
AND NEUROSURGEON.
PERFORMING HER NEW HIT RECORD,
PLEASE WELCOME CLEOPATRA DIRTBIKE FUNNIE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS SONG IS CALLED, BORN TO DROOL.
♪ GA GA GA GA GA ♪
100% TEDDY RECOGNITION.
[COOING]
WAAH!
Dad: IT ALMOST SPELLS PEANUT BLINCHKEY.
UH-UH.
[COOS]
[GASPS] [GASPS]
OH, NO, DEAR...
THEY SAID SHE HAD THE INTELLIGENCE
OF AN 8-MONTH-OLD.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT INFLUENCE ON HER EARLY DEVELOPMENT
WILL BE HER FAMILY.
I ALREADY BOUGHT HER ART SUPPLIES
AND THE BEST OF MAN O'STEEL MAN.
I KNOW SHE'LL BE GOOD AT ART, JUST LIKE ME.
ARE YOU JOKING?
SHE RESEMBLES ME FAR MORE THAN YOU.
I'M CERTAIN SHE'S GOING TO BE A GREAT ACTOR.
Doug voice-over: I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!
THIS BABY COULD GROW UP TO BE JUST LIKE... JUDY!
[GAGGING]
DIRTBIKE, COME ON!
COME ON, HURRY!
I'M GOING TO SKEETER'S TO PLAY BEETBALL AND READ COMICS!
DOUGIE, GROW UP!
THESE IMMATURE PURSUITS OF YOURS
ARE TRIVIAL AND MAKE ME LAUGH.
COME, DIRTBIKE.
YOU MUST REHEARSE YOUR RECITATION
FOR PEE-WEE SHAKESPEARE.
OH...
Doug voice-over: I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!
NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES,
I WON'T LET DIRTBIKE TURN OUT TO BE SO...
JUDY. BLEAGH.
Announcer: WHENEVER THERE'S TROUBLE,
FROM OUT OF THE THICKET OF SOLITUDE COMES...
QUAILMAN!
PART MAN, PART QUAIL, ALL HERO.
ASSISTED BY HIS FAITHFUL SIDEKICK:
QUAILDOG!
AND THEIR NEW PARTNER,
THE SENSATIONAL CHARACTER FIND...
THE BANDICOOT KID!
THE QUAIL SIGNAL!
FLY AWAY!
Bandicoot's voice-over: QUAILMAN, I MUST COMMUNICATE TELEPATHICALLY.
BECAUSE I'M TOO YOUNG TO TALK.
Quailman voice-over: COMING IN LOUD AND CLEAR, BANDICOOT KID.
GO AHEAD.
QUAILMAN, WHAT'S A BANDICOOT?
WELL, BANDICOOT, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
IT'S DERIVED FROM THE ROOT WORD BANDI... WHOA!
WHOA!
I'll TELL YOU LATER. LOOK! IT'S JUDEE-DRA!
EVERYONE WILL BOW TO MY ESOTERIC POWER!
ALL MUST DIG ME!
AND NOW SOME SINGING!
[OPERATIC SINGING]
QUAILMAN, WE'VE GOT TO STOP HER
BEFORE SHE WIPES OUT ALL OF BLUFFINGTON
WITH HER DIABOLICAL SELF-INDULGENCE!
LOOK OUT FOR HER ICY, OBNOXIOUS DEMEANOR!
Announcer: FACED WITH AN UNSTOPPABLE FOE,
QUAILMAN KEEPS HIS QUAIL-COOL
AND USES THE POWER OF QUAIL LOGIC!
AHA!
AH, THAT SINGING!
I SEE YOU'RE NOT ONLY THE TALENTED HEAD,
BUT ALSO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.
YES.
NO, SHE ISN'T! WE'RE THE SAME!
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, AMATEUR!
I AM THE MOST TALENTED!
[ARGUING AND BICKERING]
ACK!
QUAIL LOGIC WINS AGAIN!
SEE? THAT'S JUDY AND HER POETRY...
WEIRD, YUCKY, BLEECH, PTOOEY.
PFFT. PFFT.
EXACTLY.
OH, DOUGIE. YEAH?
MOM AND DAD WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
HMM, I'll BE RIGHT BACK.
THAT WAS YOUR BROTHER DOUG.
DON'T WORRY, YOUR NOSE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIS.
WE'RE GOING TO BE OUT UNTIL 10:00.
YOU AND JUDY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BABY.
OK.
HERE ARE A FEW INSTRUCTIONS.
HUH?
BYE-BYE. BYE-BYE. BYE.
YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH SKEETER.
I CAN HANDLE THINGS HERE.
Doug voice-over: HANDLE THINGS... RIGHT.
Judy: YOU ARE VERY SLEEPY.
YOU LOVE SHAKESPEARE.
I WAS GONNA SAY I CAN HANDLE IT,
IF YOU NEED TO GO DRINK A CUP OF CHINO
AND BE HIP.
A CAPPUCCINO, NOT "A CUP OF CHINO."
YOU ARE SUCH A YOKEL.
[COOS]
ISN'T HE BOORISH? YES!
Doug voice-over: JUDY WAS ALREADY TURNING HER AGAINST ME!
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I LEFT THEM ALONE?
QUAIL LOGIC WINS AGAIN!
Bandicoot kid's voice: I DON'T THINK SO, QUAILMAN.
STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BANDICOOT KID?
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
AAH!
OHH!
DON'T CALL ME BANDICOOT KID, CALL ME...
UH-OH! AHH!
POETRY GIRL.
MY LOYAL DOUBLE AGENT!
AHH.
OHH!
[URR YOW] OHH.
"BE THROUGH MY LIPS TO UNAWAKENED EARTH...
"THE TRUMPET OF A PROPHESY...
"O, WIND, IF WINTER COMES...
CAN SPRING BE FAR BEHIND?"
OH, NO. POETRY.
STOP IT.
HELLO THERE.
HELLO.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO?
NO. I THINK I'll JUST HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS.
IT'S 8:00.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO WATER MR. DINK'S PLANT?
Doug voice-over: SHE WAS RIGHT.
MR. DINK WAS ON VACATION,
AND I AGREED TO FEED HIS PLANT.
HEY, WOULD YOU MIND FEEDING MY FROMAGE-VEGETALIS?
IT'S COMMONLY KNOWN AS THE VENUS CHEESE TRAP.
[BEGGING]
HA HA HA HA.
MR. DINK!
HO HO HO.
HA HA HA HA HA.
THIS HAPPENS 3 TIMES A DAY.
[BURPS]
HA HA HA HA. SEE?
IT'S COMPLETELY VEGETARIAN.
HA HA HA. VERY EXPENSIVE.
HA HA HA. NOW WATCH ME.
AHH... CHEESY.
HA HA HA. YOU HAVE TO FEED IT AT EXACTLY 8:00,
OR IT GETS A LITTLE CRANKY.
OK. EXACTLY 8:00. I PROMISE.
[BABY COOS]
HELLO. [SPEAKING JAPANESE]
BUENOS DIAS.
OH, IT'S ALMOST 8:00. I HAVE TO GO.
HE HAS TO GO.
YES.
CAN YOU SAY, "ALAS, POOR DOUGLAS...
HE'S SUCH A PAIN"?
Voice-over: HOW COULD I LEAVE DIRTBIKE ALONE WITH THAT?
BUT WHAT COULD I DO? I PROMISED.
[RING]
HELLO.
JUDY, IT'S FOR YOU.
THANK YOU, DOUG.
HELLO. JUDY HERE.
DOUGIE, COULD YOU WATCH THE BABY?
THIS IS IMPORTANT
AND WILL TAKE ALL MY POWERS OF CONCENTRATION.
Voice-over: WHAT A LUCKY BREAK.
NO, WE CANNOT REWRITE IAGO'S DIALOGUE.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE HIM.
I'M TAKING DIRTBIKE TO MR. DINK'S.
NO, YOU CAN'T KISS ANYBODY, EITHER.
YOU'RE SAFE HERE.
WATCH OUT FOR THAT JUDY. SHE'S WEIRD.
[COOS]
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, WEIRD.
AHH... CHEESY.
UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
RIGHT.
YEAH. HOLD IT. OH, NO. I'VE GOTTA GO.
MY BROTHER WANTS TO TURN THE BABY
INTO A LITTLE DOODLE-DWEEB LIKE HIM.
I CAN'T LET DOUG RUIN THE FUTURE OF CLEOPATRA FUNNIE.
[BABY COOS]
COMIC BOOK. YEAH.
NICE.
SHAKESPEARE. SCARY.
OOH... DOUG!
BRRRRRR.
HA HA HA HA.
DOUGLAS, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
UH-OH.
I, UH, I'M EXPOSING DIRTBIKE TO SHAKESPEARE.
SEE? SHAKESPEARE.
♪ LA LA LA ♪
SHAKESPEARE.
I SAW YOUR LITTLE ATTEMPT AT HUMOR.
[GASPS]
HEY, GIMME THAT.
GIVE ME MY SHAKESPEARE BOOK.
YOU WANT IT...
GO GET IT.
AAH! THE BARD!
SEE? THAT'S HOW YOU DEAL WITH SHAKESPEARE.
SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOUR LITTLE COMIC BOOK.
EEP! QUAILMAN!
JUDY, HAND IT OVER. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT.
GIVE IT.
NO, IT'S MINE. MINE.
[GASPS] WHAT WAS THAT?
UH-OH, THE DOOR CLOSED.
WE'RE LOCKED OUT!
WELL, MR. DINK GAVE YOU A KEY, DIDN'T HE?
YEAH, BUT IT'S IN THERE ON THE TABLE
NEXT TO DIRTBIKE.
AAH! AAH!
[COOING]
MAYBE WE CAN TEACH HER TO UNLOCK THE DOOR.
DOUGLAS, THE CHANCES OF HER LEARNING TO WALK
BEFORE MOM AND DAD COME HOME ARE PRETTY SLIM.
SHUT UP.
IF MOM AND DAD COME HOME AND SHE'S STILL IN THERE... OHH!
DON'T TOUCH IT. MR. DINK'S GOT ALL KINDS OF ALARMS.
OH.
MAYBE WE COULD TUNNEL IN,
LIKE IN THE COUNTESS OF MONTE CRISTO.
I GOT GREAT REVIEWS IN THAT.
HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE?
WITH A SPOON? 20 YEARS.
SHE MUST BE SO SCARED.
DON'T WORRY, DIRTBIKE. WE'LL GET YOU.
[COOS]
[YAWNS]
I'M SORRY I MADE US LEAVE EARLY.
I'M SO TIRED.
I HOPE THE KIDS DON'T THINK
WE'RE COMING HOME EARLY BECAUSE WE DON'T TRUST THEM.
THEY WOULDN'T THINK THAT.
THEY'RE TOO LEVEL-HEADED AND MATURE.
AAH!
AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
DO SOMETHING!
I AM. LOOK.
I LOWER PORKCHOP DOWN THE CHIMNEY, HE OPENS THE DOOR.
THAT WILL NEVER WORK.
SURE, IT WILL. WATCH.
Both: AAH!
Judy: TOLD YA.
[COOS AND LAUGHS]
♪ I'VE GOT A PLACE WHERE I KEEP MY FACE ♪
WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE 2 GREAT KIDS
TO SET EXAMPLES FOR THE BABY.
AAH!
IDEA.
COME ON, IDEA.
I'VE GOT IT.
WE CALL THE ALARM COMPANY
AND TELL THEM WE'RE LOCKED OUT.
THEY'LL NEVER TELL MOM.
I LOCKED THE KEY IN THE HOUSE.
CAN YOU LET US IN SO WE DON'T SET OFF THE ALARM?
NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM!
AND THE CODE IS?
THE CODE. THE WHAT?
THE ALARM CODE.
I DON'T KNOW.
CAN'T HELP YA WITHOUT A CODE. GOOD NIGHT.
HE WENT TO GET HELP, RIGHT?
OHH! UH-UH.
WITHOUT MORE TIME AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,
WE CAN'T GET IN THIS HOUSE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE ALARM GUY'S STILL NEARBY.
HE'LL HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR TO TURN THE ALARM OFF.
THEN HE'LL LEAVE, AND NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW.
[STRAINING]
[ALARM SOUNDS]
Dink's voice: ALARM. ALARM.
VERY EXPENSIVE ALARM SYSTEM HERE.
ALARM. ALARM.
HEY, SHE'S SLEEPING THROUGH IT.
SHE'S THE ONLY ONE.
[SIRENS]
OH, THAT NOISE.
IS THAT THE DINK'S HOUSE AGAIN?
THAT THING GOES OFF EVERY TIME.
WHAT IS THAT? QUIET!
THOSE KIDS HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
SEE? WE GOT RIGHT IN.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THEM?
[ALL GRUMBLE]
Doug: BOY, MR. DINK SURE HAS A COMPREHENSIVE ALARM SYSTEM.
LEAVE IT TO ME, BROTHER.
I'll GIVE THEM A PERFORMANCE.
THEY'LL NEVER FORGET.
THERE WON'T BE A DRY EYE ON THE BLOCK.
AHEM.
♪ O BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS SKIES ♪
♪ FOR AMBER WAVES... ♪
HOLD IT, JUDY.
I'll JUST TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED.
UM, THANKS FOR RESPONDING TO THE ALARM.
I'M SORRY IT WASN'T A REAL TRAGEDY OR ANYTHING,
SO PLEASE JUST GO HOME AND... HUH?
AAH! MOM AND DAD ARE HOME.
WHY? SNEAK OUT THE BACK DOOR WITH HER...
IS EVERYONE ALL RIGHT?
WHAT HAPPENED?
UM, UH... NOTHING REALLY.
DOUG JUST LOCKED THE KEY INSIDE THE DINK'S HOUSE,
AND WHEN HE TRIED TO OPEN THE WINDOW,
ALL THE ALARMS WENT OFF. THAT'S ALL.
THANKS, JUDY, BUT THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE TRUTH.
I LOCKED DIRTBIKE IN THERE, TOO.
OH, MY.
DOUGLAS, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU...
BUT DOUG NEVER LET DIRTBIKE OUT OF HIS SIGHT.
HE MAY BE A GOOFBALL, BUT HE'S A GOOD BIG BROTHER.
AND HE'S HONEST.
DIRTBIKE COULD LEARN FROM HIS EXAMPLE TONIGHT.
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER.
Voice-over: WOW. JUDY SAID SOMETHING NICE.
BUT SHE CALLED ME A GOOFBALL, TOO.
MOM, DAD, IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. I PROMISE.
WELL, IF IT EVER DOES,
REMEMBER THAT BUD KEEPS A SPARE KEY OVER HERE...
OHH. OHH.
Doug voice-over: SO JUDY DOESN'T CARE.
IF DIRTBIKE TURNS OUT LIKE ME SOMEDAY.
FLY AWAY! YOU'RE QUAILGIRL.
[COOS]
IT WOULDN'T KILL ME IF SHE WAS ANOTHER JUDY, I GUESS.
ACTUALLY, DIRTBIKE HAS BEEN TAKING AFTER A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY,
BUT NOT WHO YOU'D EXPECT.
OH, NO, NO, NO, HONEY.
THAT WATER IS FOR PORKCHOP.
AND I GUESS I WOULDN'T MIND HER
BEING AS COOL AS PORKCHOP ONE BIT.
SEE? YOU GOT IT.
OK, GOOD GIRL.