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Connor's dick is big -
not the 'come through up out your mouth
'and destroy your organs on the way' kind of big,
which I have seen on Heavy-R, which I do not want.
Connor's dick is pink
and that is... interesting.
Sort of reminds me of raw chicken skin,
but I try not to think about that.
Instead, I go with 'a long pink balloon'
that's now, finally going to contend with my vagina.
Come on.
I want it now.
I'm sorry. I just...
Eugh! I just...
I don't want to... you know.
I dunno, man, you're just... so pure.
I don't understand.
- Do you understand? - Yeah, yeah.
You are too pure. You need to sext him, bruv.
I am not pure. I am dirty.
I've done it. Send it, yeah?
All right, let's move on. Blow-job selfie.
You watching, yeah?
All right, your turn.
Forget you're a virgin and channel your slut.
Do you want to suck his dick or smile at it?
Neither.
Tracey, he wants you to push your pussy in his face,
like you're about to take a shit on it.
He wants to get his nose all up in there.
Nah, I don't who told you it was common, this thing...
The selfie is the theory exam to the driving test
and you're 100% not ready to take the driving test, bruv.
You need to do some research.
I think you should talk to Mum about what you were
watching the other night.
What was I watching?
...in my arse. This feels so good!
I won't tell so long as the next word you utter is yes.
May I borrow your laptop, please?
Your laptop, can I borrow, may I...
What are you doing?
Asking questions repetitively signifies importance, OK,
so this method isn't yielding the results that I...
- Do you want my laptop? -Yes. - Well, take it.
- Say thank you. -You're welcome. - OK. -Yes, of course.
- What you doing? - Trying to give you a blow job.
- Why? - Because I want to.
I thought you weren't into that sort of thing.
Just sit down and do it. Come on.
All right, uh...
I'm going to take your penis out now. OK?
- Yeah, yeah, OK. - OK? Cool.
Oh, it's er... It's very relaxed.
I'd say give me a bit of dirty talk but I know that's not your thing.
- Yeah, yeah, it is. It's... - I thought it wasn't.
Well, maybe there's a lot of things that you think
that you need to not, cos it's not... I do like doing that.
- Excuse me. I'm going to do it now. - All right. -Thank you.
Hello, penis.
Split my bum cheeks.
Tear up my bum hole,
until it's wide enough...
for the head on your neck to pop in,
and take a look at the view
inside of my broken bum cheeks.
It didn't work. OK, so that time, it didn't work.
Oh, dear.
No. It's quite cold.
The electrician's coming to fix the shower tomorrow.
I told him anytime before one, so I need you to be awake.
What, you gearing up for a titty fuck?
Don't leave, Mum. Where are, where you going?
Get this. Turns out, I have a job, yeah?
It's this place I go that keeps us inside a flat and outside arrears.
- Tracey, put your clothes back on. - Nah, don't mind me.
Someone's got to pay for your useless notepads and "pencils".
I'll see ya later, yeah? It ain't me. It's Mum. She wants to talk.
No, she don't.
Girl to girl, you can't titty fuck with tits like yours.
You got the tits of a 40-year-old, with triplets.
I'm just saying. Not being funny.
- Mum! I ain't done with this! - Oh, shut it!
- Stop walking away from me. - Can we talk about this later?
This better fucking be human hair.
Course it is.
Kristy, how much were your, erm...?
Oh, mate, ain't even worth it.
Three years saving up Job Seekers' Allowance just for the cheap ones.
I can flip 'em back to front. It's my party trick.
- What you ask her about that for? - Erm... Connor's mum said...
I should've told you about underwear time ago, babe. It's just that...
I told you to tell her, numerous times.
- What is wrong with my boobies? - They droop.
No, don't be out of order. They're like earrings.
No, earrings dangle. Her tits droop.
Cos you're always running for the bus.
You are and when you do, I worry.
I think to myself they're going to be scraping the floor
in half a decade.
All any man wants is cooked meals and good boobs.
And if not good boobs, four of 'em. Tell me about it.
"Babes, I been thinking about a threesome, you know. "
- They all want a threesome. - Yeah, but never with John or Mark.
No, no - cos they're biblical names.
Cos they're guys!
Listen, if I said to any straight man,
"Let's find another guy on 3zup and I'll wiggle my clit
"while you two kiss each other," he'd die instantly.
He'd die instantly, yeah! And I would laugh at his funeral.
Imagine... if he didn't even know what 3zup was!
Esther, what would we say over his grave, like,
to explain what it was?
Oh, bless. If you're looking for a threesome,
you can find two other people who are also looking,
or one other if you're a couple, 3zup.
- It's an app. - Thank you, Esther.
Yeah, why is a threesome with a man so ridiculous
but one with a woman so obviously possible?
As long as she's uglier than me, I don't mind.
Ugly, pretty. I'm fine with my cockatoo.
Yeah, why do I have to like another girl's breasts
just cos I like my own?
Exactly, you've got a dick, it don't mean you want one for dinner.
I have to say that I am partial to a bit of cunt.
Nan!
Just as a starter.
About 1965, I was 16,
and me and my swim coach were the last to leave.
She leans over and kisses me on the lips, all of a sudden,
right on the street, down there. Round the corner.
3Zup, I got a message.
Sasha. She's kinky, experimental, 26, bi.
I don't understand.
She was saying, "Hi, greetings, I'm Sasha," not "Bye. "
Anyway, she looks nice. She's eating soup in her picture.
That's nice. She likes Buzzfeed, doodling and kale chips?
Yeah, she's nice. I'll pick this one.
Then she pulled up my skirt, she kneeled down,
saliva'd on my vaginals,
and injected her middle finger up as far up it as it would go...
"Meet you at location, eg HOTEL!"
You know what? I'm going to make it happen.
...pumping it back and forth in my pum.
I carry that night.
That was quick. Three-way sex. "Yay," she said.
I'm going to have a threesome to get my twosome.
Sometimes, you've got to do what you got to do, innit. Yeah, yeah.
- Here we go. 3zup. Ay, ay... - What are you doing?
Oh, just itching my leg, yeah. I think I got bitten by something.
A unicorn is a single girl willing to have a threesome
with a straight couple.
They're so rare, they're called unicorns.
And I found one.
Not cos of luck, no,
but because when I want something I go out there
and I grab the unicorn by its horns and that unicorn is mine.
No joke, I even got a hotel for 14pounds!
Why aren't I on The Apprentice or something?
Here, pound to spare?
I've got to feed my kid. I'm not a druggie, I swear.
No, sorry.
Actually, I'm lost. I'm looking for 48 Ferndale Road.
- It's here. - No, I'm looking for flats.
Oh, Airbnb?
Yes...
I'm Doreen. We've been messaging. I'll take you in.
That's... That's a butcher's.
Yeah, it's out the back.
Look, er...
It looks really different to the pictures online.
Well, what do you want to do? Cos we don't do refunds.
Where's the bathroom?
You said you wanted a room, not two. If you want two I can try
and sort it out but it'll be another...
No, no. It will be fine.
What do you want it for, anyways?
A threesome.
The usual. Right.
There's a couple condoms in the corner.
You might have to sift through the used ones.
Thank you!
But if you want a fresh one, that's an additional charge.
Yeah, yeah, thank you. You know why?
Because it's dirty, and I'm dirty - not pure. Planned this.
I planned it.
Dirty. Love it.
Forgive me.
OK, that's her, stop.
I said stop.
Jeez, Louise. They say it's next door - the amount of traffic
in between makes it feel like Surrey's on a different continent.
Nice to meet you, Tracey, I'm Henry.
You all right, Henry?
So, the other guy is Caucasian, right?
Cos he looked Caucasian in the photo.
Please, darling, just keep an eye on your purse this time.
Not outside the privacy of our own home, OK?
This one's my friend.
But what about the other black people at the party?
Dad, you can get out of my life now.
Have fun, darling. Don't drink too much -
we're not paying for your stomach to be pumped again.
I'm not listening!
Bye. Bye.
You all right, unicorn?
Sorry, these are literally really good.
Like, I couldn't hear anything.
So, the guy other guy is white, right?
Yeah.
Tracey, I'm going to be honest with you - I'm already wet.
Not you, not you...
Eurgh! Oh, no, no, yuck. Disgusting.
Father, forgive me yet guide me.
Hello? Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
Yes. Why did you have to be so beautiful?
Oh, dear.
What are you wearing?
I'm wearing my favourite green bl...
Can you angle the camera at your penis?
Uh-oh, you've got pants on.
I'm going to have to go now.
I'm going to kill myself!
Right.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Surprise!
Why we here? What's that?
She's a unicorn.
Eh?
She wants to have sex with both of us at the same time for free.
What's her name?
- Er, it's, er, Sasha. - Sasha. -Yeah.
Fuck. Why here?
Because I like it dirty.
Hello, sex scenes from 12 Years A Slave entering my mind
via my vagina as we speak.
Hey, bro. Sasha.
Hello.
Can we talk, please?
Yeah. Sasha, can you put your...?
. What's up, babe? - Well...
First things first, the unicorn's got leprosy.
No, she... It's just a scratch.
No, nah, I ain't on it.
Oh, shit.
I suppose I developed a kind of numbness to it all,
the loneliness,
living my life through this stupid screen,
watching girls like yourself.
That's incorrect. I'm not part of that group of women, so...
You're the only person in my life.
Please don't go! Don't go, don't go...
Who's in there with you?
No-one, I'm just trying to look for a way out of the conversation.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I didn't know you liked girls.
I don't, I don't. Hey! Mmm, Sasha, we are so buff.
But, oh, that's your hands on my... OK. Oh, you're taking it...?
But what if I don't want to? I might not want...
Too late. There goes my bra.
Those are nice. Very tweakable nipples.
Where did you get those from?
Hey, hey, your bra, put it back on.
What? Put your bra back on.
- OK. - Hide your boobies. Yes.
You're supposed to be helping me lose MY v-reg, not YOUR v-reg.
- Supposed to be helping me, blud. - OK.
What kind of unicorn are you?
Hey... Hey!
What?
- My Dad's not coming till the morning, OK, my love? -Henry.
Yeah, yeah, which means we've got all night, yeah?
OK, yeah, yeah. All right.
By the way, I have cold sores.
Do you really? I didn't... Yeah.
Dodge the face. Ooh!
I can't lie, this is... This is a bit hot.
Why don't you come on in here, bro?
Oh, all right.
Don't you have a family?
I used to but, um, now they hate me.
Ah, I've been where you are.
My sister acts like she doesn't like me
but I know that I'm her greatest friend.
The last time I saw my sister, I was on my knees and I cried.
Then she threw a ham sandwich in my face!
OK, no, not quite the same, then - we don't eat pork.
Not so pure now, am I?
No. No.
No, you've always been a dirty bitch.
Sorry, one second. First of all, I'm not a bitch, OK?
Second of all, you said I was too pure to penetrate.
I never said that!
All right, just chill out, yeah? Just chill out. Yes, you did.
That's the whole reason I got the unicorn in the first place.
Unicorn? That sounds fun. What is that?
Like a cowboy thing?
Yeah, something like this.
Look, Connor, you didn't want to have sex before
and now you want to have sex. The only difference is her.
Look, I know I've dangly boobs, OK?
Is it my boobs? I'm going to buy a bra with a wire.
- I'm going to buy the wire bra, yeah? - Oh, I love them.
Oh, no.
I think I should go.
No, no, no, you just cry right there.
You look so beautiful when you cry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Are you scared?
Yes.
Would you like to touch yourself a little bit while you cry?
No.
Fine, I'll just wank one out.
What...? What?
I'll jump off, and when I go blue
and can no longer hold on to my dick, scream stop.
What? I don't understand...
One, two,
three.
Stop! STOP!
Ah! That was great, that was fucking great.
Wasn't it?
Again. Now. Yeah?
Go on, then, you've got one.
You've got a dick.
Do you know what to do with the next man's dick, Connor?
You, Lupita.
Who?
Don't worry, bro, would never have left you out.
You get the big one.
Thank you.
- What's it for? - I don't know!
Obviously I don't know.
Ah, I'm losing my boner.
It's not the spoons, is it?
I just...
Over the last couple of months I keep getting this
"don't fuck up, don't fuck up" thing in my head, then I just lose it.
Mm-hmm. OK.
Oh, nope. Yeah, not that, Sash.
Jesus Christ... Can I talk to you?
Can I...? Normal conversation, please. Great.
Look, my boyfriend, he can't get it...
Oh, erectile dysfunction?
No, no, definitely not.
Let's use toys.
I just wanted him to bust my vulva.
Hey, hey, hey,
you escaped Michael Fassbender, this is yet another struggle to overcome.
Sasha, who are all these people?
Tracey, look at the gays - bum sex is rarely the order
of the day. They do loads of other shit, they use loads of other bits.
Stop making his dick the centre of sex - dick-centric sex sucks.
No, no. I don't want that.
I can do it.
Jesus.
It's just the two of us now, babe. Just relax.
Oh, I see.
That's actually something else. That's quite nice.
Connor?
Yeah?
What do I do if I need to fart?
I'm just aware of how close you are to my bum...
Tracey, I'm still hard. Shall we do it?
Oh, OK, yeah.
You're so beautiful.
OK, I think I'm ready.
What? What? That was just the tip.
Oh, my God. Just do the thing with the tongue.
Please just do that again. That's very nice. I like that one.
Fair enough.
Guys, you sound so hot right now.
Oh, Sasha, chill, man.
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