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﻿The ‘needy’ person is a stock figure of caricature “粘人精”是漫画人物中常有的角色
they call too much, 他们想要得太多
they cry when you leave to get a glass of water, 你去拿一杯水的间隙他都会想哭
they feel put out when you check your phone, 你玩手机的时候 他们也会觉得心情烦躁
they were upset when you watched a film without them. 会因为看电影没带上他而倍感沮丧
We hate needy people a lot. 我们很厌恶粘人的人
But let’s look at this another way. 但我们从可以从另一个角度思考
There are, of course, a few pathologically dependent people at large, 的确 广泛存在一些人形成了病态的依赖
but a lot of the time, 但大多数时间
far more than is generally accepted, 远远超过了普遍能接受的程度
the person who has the problem isn’t the ‘needy’ person at all 有问题的一方并不在于“粘人”的他们
it is us; 而是在于我们
the ones who are doing the accusing. 指责别人的一方
We will feel someone is sickeningly ‘needy’ 当我们不把自己认为是对方需求的合适目标时
when we don’t see ourselves as appropriate targets of someone else’s need. 就会觉得 他们是病态需求
Somewhere inside, 在我们内心深处
we don’t trust that we are reliable, 我们不相信自己可以被信赖
strong, dependable, admirable or decent; 是强壮 可靠 令人钦佩或者正派的
we aren’t quite grown-up, 我们觉得自己还不够成熟
and those who need something from us 而那些想从我们这得到满足的人
therefore 因此
come across as deranged and fitting targets for mockery. 就成了一个疯狂的、被嘲弄的目标
At the first sign that someone is becoming reliant on us, 第一次被人依赖时
we flinch. 我们会退缩
We suspect that someone who needs us enough to depend on us 我们怀疑那些需要我们陪他过个愉快的周末或夜晚
for a pleasant weekend or evening must be diseased. 而依赖我们的人一定是有病
At the root of our hatred of so-called needy people 我们深入骨髓讨厌那些所谓的“粘人”的人
is self-hatred. 其实是自我厌恶
Ostensibly, we all want love, 表面上 我们都需要爱
but when love actually starts to be reciprocated, 但当爱真正开始有所回报时
it may prove intensely alarming 如果我们不相信自己可以被爱
if we are not convinced of our own lovability. 就可能会出现强烈的惊慌情绪
We can start to think very badly 我们开始觉得
of the person we liked only a little time before. 自己不久前喜欢过的人太糟糕了
We feel they are naive in finding us wonderful, 认为他们是因为太过幼稚才会觉得我们不错
a great deal more wonderful than we feel we are. 比我们的自我感觉还要好
We think them gullible, 我们认为他们过于轻信
and too easily taken in by a character we ourselves don’t believe in. 太容易进入到一个我们自己都不相信的角色当中
The solution isn’t necessarily to try to change a lover, 试着改变对方 告诉他们别再有过多要求
by telling them to stop asking so much. 不是一个必要的解决办法
They most probably aren’t asking too much at all. 他们也许并不是要求太多
They just are afflicted with a sense 他们只是痛苦于
that it is peculiar to be loved or to love. 一种被爱和去爱的特殊感觉之间
Put another way, 另一个角度来看
they’re just strong enough to reveal 他们只是强大到能够自我愈合
that they aren’t invulnerable 他们并不软弱
and judicious enough to like the look of us. 而是足够理智才会喜欢我们的样子
They rightly presume that showing need 他们明确地设想过
is a precondition of strength rather than weakness. 表现出自己的需求是强大的前提条件 而非软弱
The solution is to revise our view of ourselves; 解决办法就是改变我们对自己的看法
to see ourselves as more or less plausible people 重新审视自己是否可信
for someone else to stand in need of. 值得自己在他人需要时来依靠
The fear of ‘needy’ people 对“粘人精”的恐惧
is only a species of self-hatred，rippling outwards to tar our lover. 只是自我厌恶导致惩罚伴侣的一种体现
A reduction of self-hatred doesn’t depend on self-boosterism 降低自我厌恶并不能依靠自我鼓励
(telling ourselves how great we are). （通过告诉自己有多棒）
We should learn to tolerate ourselves 我们不该通过相信自己有多棒
not by believing that we are wonderful, 来学着接纳自己
but via a secure realisation 而是应该通过一种可靠稳固的认识
that everyone is both OK and sometimes a bit awful “大家都还好 有时也都有点讨厌”
that is enough to deserve love. 这就足够值得去拥有爱
We can be cured of our uncommonly vicious self-suspicion 通过是对认定常态有一个更准确的认识
by a more accurate vision of what constitutes normality. 就能消除极其残酷的自我怀疑
Of course we are a bit a weak, a bit sly and a bit foolish, to put it gently. 的确 我们会有点脆弱 狡猾或者愚笨
But so is everyone. 但每个人都会这样
We’re no more idiotic or wayward than the next person. 我们并没有比别人更笨或者更任性
We can embrace a person’s hopes for a close and deep relationship with us 我们可以拥抱那个希望与我们有进一步关系的人
simply on the basis that we are,in fact, all a bit odd and broken. 事实上 我们都是有点古怪和缺陷的人
The need that the lover has of us isn’t delusional, 伴侣对我们的需求并不是妄想
it’s an accurate request that any flawed human 而是任何一个有缺点的人
might make of another comparably damaged example. 都会对同伴做出的适当的请求
We’ll start to find other people a lot less needy, 我们开始会发现其他人并没有那么粘人
that is, 也就是说
a lot less alarming when they need us, 但他们需要我们的时候不用那么紧张
when we can accept with good grace 当我们能够欣然接受
that there is nothing unusually strange or abhorrent 就不会有什么特别奇怪或者憎恶的事
about someone deciding they like us. 出现在那些决定喜欢我们的人身上了