[stirring orchestral music]
[scattered applause]
- Hi.
[feedback hums] Ow.
Sorry, the lights... hold on.
Okay. That's better.
Hi.
So I'll have copies of the zine
after the reading.
If you want to buy one, it's $8.
But, like, if you don't think it's worth $8,
I'll probably just give you one for free.
I wrote this about the summer
I sold weed through an online classifieds site.
Oh, but I hate weed, though.
It makes me, like, very uncomfortable and paranoid
and sort of fatalistic, I guess,
but every once in a while,
you know, someone will get me to smoke,
and every time they do, I think, like,
"Oh, this is the time I'm gonna like smoking weed."
But then I do, and I don't like it at all.
It's the worst always.
But I just couldn't remember if I put that fact into the story,
so I wanted to, you know, tell you now up front, I guess.
Okay, I'm wasting time, so I'm gonna start reading now.
Here it goes.
"Last summer, I was working for a consultant in Midtown
"mostly filling out organizational charts
"and filing things and stuff.
"It was an objectively crappy job,
"but my parents were really proud of me
"because I had gotten a job.
"I was listening to Toro y Moi a lot,
"and he has that line where he says, 'I got a job.
"I do it fine. Not what I want,
"but still I try.'
"That totally captured how I felt.
"On the weekends, me and friends mostly went biking
"and took hallucinogens and benzodiazepines.
"We also went to some parties,
"and one night, I met a girl at one of those parties.
"Meeting girls isn't easy for me
"unless they come up to me,
"in which case I have no choice but to meet them,
and that was how I met Kate."
[playful electronic music]
- * Give her what she wants, give her what she needs *
* A woman needs *
- Eliza!
Both: Hey.
- I have something for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What is it?
- It's a weird muscle relaxant.
I got it at the airport in Mexico.
Are you happy?
- Very.
Thanks.
Ooh, it tastes good.
[lively rock music]
- Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
What makes you qualified to change the playlist?
- What kind of qualifications did the last guy have?
- This really isn't about the last guy,
and who says it was a guy?
- Okay, well...
I write a music blog,
published on a popular music reviews website.
I can send you my resume if you prefer.
It lists all of my tangible qualifications.
Maybe if you give me your email address
or, you know, your phone number.
Whatever works for you re: Contact information
is fine for me... just, you know, that I'd have it.
- So do you want to dance?
- Oh, yeah, no.
I don't really dance, per se.
- Like, you can't or, like, you won't?
- I never know how into it I'm supposed to get, you know,
and sometimes I get too into it,
and then I end up making that intense dance face
where I sort of, like, bite my lip,
and I... you know, just like...
You know, I'm sort of, like, angry Bill Clinton.
It's not good.
And then the other option is that, you know,
I'm not into it enough, and I hold back.
Then I think everyone around is probably thinking,
like, "Oh, that kid thinks he's too cool to dance," you know?
- I'm pretty sure no one would ever think that about you.
- Okay, well, thank you.
I think that probably means it's about time
for me to stop talking,
because I've said enough...
- No, you were doing fine.
- Wow. - Adequate even.
- Oh, my God.
- But I actually really like this song, so,
like, are you ready to dance?
- Oh... - Let's do it.
- * You don't tip over *
* And you're so pretty *
* I want to be pretty *
* Can you carry me *
* 'Cause I'm not heavy *
[gentle acoustic guitar music]
- Okay.
Okay.
I can't do this.
- Okay.
Yeah, no, there was a certain too-good-to-be-true element
about this whole thing anyway.
Why can't you?
- I have a boyfriend. - Okay.
- But honestly I swear to God,
it did not feel like cheating until,
like, just a moment ago.
Like, I think when you touched my boob,
that's sort of when I sort of drew the line.
- Sure, sure. - He doesn't live here.
He goes to school in Virginia,
so we have sort of unconventional rules
to sort of deal with that.
- Mm-hmm, and your unconventional rules
include a boob clause.
- Yes, yes.
- Good, good.
- I guess that's... yeah.
- Now, I'm just spit-balling here.
- Okay.
- But do you want to just fool around with me
now and then, like, marry him after
college or something?
- No, not...
- Okay, I didn't think so,
but I thought I would offer it anyway.
All right, well, in that case,
should I call you a cab or something?
- Well, can I sleep here?
- Oh.
Would we have to sleep head to toe or something?
- Not unless you really wanted to, and we could,
but I don't see why we have to.
- Great. - It's not in the rule book.
- Oh, it's not. There's not a section for...
- No, as long as you don't, like...
with your hands on my boobs.
- We can sleep however we want as long
as I'm not touching your breasts.
Great, that sounds good.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth
and take some sort of uncomfortably cold shower.
[soft orchestral music]
[electronic chime]
[playful electronic music]
- Let's do this, classic song.
Here we go.
- [sighs]
[cell phone chiming]
Hey, um,
Mike brought me to a party that I don't think
I don't want to be at anymore,
so I was wondering if you'd want to come over.
We could listen to music, or we could just, you know,
like, talk to each other or something.
- [laughs]
Okay, um, that sounds great.
- Okay, awesome.
- See you later.
Bye.
- Awesome.
- * Flat screens bright and white *
* You sold her everything she owns *
[upbeat rock music]
* What goes on upstairs *
* Business and love affairs *
* You sold her *
* Everything she owns *
* 'Cause you make more than them below *
* Next year they'll shut you down *
* Make more than them below *
* Soon they'll buy you out *
* Make more than them below *
- [chuckles]
- Hi, ma.
- David, so tell your mama.
Are you dating? Seeing any girls?
- Ma, please. - Adult to adult.
- You know I feel weird talking to you about that kind of stuff.
Could we just talk about it later?
- Later. - Yeah, you know.
Like later in our lives later.
Everything's fine, re: Girls and me,
but I just, you know,
I feel weird talking about it with you, so...
- That's what you always say to me: "Everything fine, mommy.
Not now, later."
So I say to myself, "Don't lose hope.
Your boy is going to grow up and become an adult."
- But I also think I'm not,
like, exactly an adult yet in that,
you know, I'm only 22,
so I feel like I have some time to get there.
- When your father was 22,
he was already done with the Army.
He was already a man.
And I say...
this is really good.
- [laughs] - Oh, that's good.
[cell phone chimes]
[somber orchestral music]
- Are you sure her actually living with us is,
like, such a smart idea?
- You mean, like, for the relationship or, like,
for my creature comforts?
- Relationship.
- Honestly it's not ideal, but I think the alternative,
which is her living upstate
and commuting is maybe worse for the relationship, you know?
Like, right now, we're just in that new relationship sweet spot
where we don't secretly loathe each other yet,
so I think it could be fun for us.
But I don't want it to be annoying for you, you know?
- Yeah. - Can I speak candidly?
- Do you have to?
I feel like I know what you're gonna say.
You're gonna say you don't like it...
- I don't like it, because you barely know her,
and if she starts acting weird, you have nowhere to go.
And why does she have to move in so soon?
- Whoa, nobody said move in.
She's not moving in.
She's staying here. It's a totally different thing.
- Semantics, David, okay?
After what, after seeing each other for, like, a month?
What, is she the hipster grifter?
- The... really? The hipster grifter?
Dude, you've met her. You know she's totally normal.
And also she's crazy hot,
and she wants to stay in my room,
which defies all logic.
So basically there's nothing
you can say short of proving she's some sort
of neo-Nazi fembot that would, you know,
make me think this wasn't a good idea, you know,
and even then, I'd probably still go through with it.
- Can I show her the mule?
- Yeah, sure, from time to time.
- Really? - No, go fuck yourself.
[phone line trilling]
- David, can I speak to you?
- Sure. What's up?
- In the conference room.
- Sure.
- You know you're not the only one, right?
- Yeah, I guess.
- You have your company phone?
Slide it down, please.
[exhales sharply]
- Do I get some sort of severance?
- You'll have to talk to HR about that.
- And when do I need to, like, be out by?
- You clear out your desk by the end of today.
- Oh, and could you just tell the front desk
that if my mom calls to just, you know,
tell her that I stepped out to lunch or something?
- Just for today?
- No, I mean, probably for,
like, six months or so until I get a new job.
I can email you to let you know when I do.
[somber orchestral music]
- Have you seen the news?
Everything's crashed, no good.
You are lucky to have job, David.
- Yeah, no good.
What did you want to do when you were a kid?
- To be in America only.
- But, like, what did you want to do when you got here?
- I didn't think like this.
I think to be in America, you do anything:
Airline pilot, accounting, doctor,
big company CEO,
ball-base player, cowboy.
- David, when Tata
was a young boy, dedushka used
to play all the American Western TV programs for him, eh?
- I thought everyone in America is cowboy, bandits,
Indians, sheriffs, deputies.
- Did you ever want to be a bandit?
- Of course.
The only one above the sheriff is the bandits.
- For most of the story.
[Obama speaking indistinctly on TV]
David, eat.
- I'm sure you'll find something else.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Do you know what you want to do, like, with your life?
- I like sports.
I can do something in sports.
- Are you joking? I can't tell.
- Yeah, it's a "Seinfeld" thing.
I don't actually like sports,
I guess except tennis and cycling,
but there's too much drugs in cycling.
[rock music playing]
- Well, I'm sure you'll think of something.
- We'll see.
Awesome, thank you.
- I got to go.
- Thanks, dude.
- Bye.
[hip-hop music]
[music stops]
Eliza!
[lively rock music]
[whistling melody]
[phone ringing]
- What's going on?
- Okay, I've got everything I need. Can we meet this guy?
- No. - Just text me the info.
Bye.
- Why do you have to sell weed, though?
- Dealing just seems exciting and glamorous
and, like, potentially extremely lucrative.
I'll hopefully make enough money to live on,
and I'll get to, like, live... capital L...
in a way I haven't before.
Plus, I'll have stuff to write about,
which would be cool in that I want to be a writer.
It's honestly kind of perfect, right?
- I don't know.
- But, like, here's the main thing:
My chances of getting caught are,
like, relatively slim, right,
which, you know, is maybe fucked up,
but it's true statistically speaking.
It's totally true. - I mean, like...
- And I hate smoking weed,
so it's not like I'll smoke all my product or something.
- Oh, boy. - And you will be
on a very specific ration,
so you also will not smoke all of my product.
[laughs]
Seriously though, anything I would want to get
is, like, totally impossible right now.
- I don't believe that for two seconds.
- Well, if you play your cards right
and earn it, maybe you'll get a discount.
- I know how to earn it. - Oh, yeah?
- I know exactly how to earn it.
[tense music]
- They're here.
- Hi, David Shapiro.
David. Hey, how's it going?
So, like, are you guys pretty busy today with deals?
- What do you need?
- How much is an ounce?
- 370.
- Okay, then I guess let me get...
2 ounces.
Is there a bulk discount?
- Two isn't bulk, B.
[both speaking Spanish]
Si.
[speaks Spanish]
[siren wailing in distance]
- I wish I had, like, a button
I could press to make a tumbleweed roll by,
you know, like in situations where nothing else is happening.
Oh, what was the strain called?
- Green Kush. - Green Kush, okay.
Do you have any other strains?
- Not at the moment.
- Is there a time of year that weed is in season
and it costs less?
- Is this kid for real?
- You know, when you buy different vegetables
at different times of the year, they cost different amounts
because they go in and out of season, you know?
- Bruto, weed isn't a vegetable.
Doesn't work that way.
[both speak Spanish]
David, I'd like to explain something to you.
And it's not because I like you
or because I think you're cute,
but solely because the more customers
that buy from me, the better it is for me.
But I got this feeling
that you're not gonna be my customer for that long,
so I need you to listen.
You need to shut the fuck up.
You need to keep your mouth closed and shut the fuck up.
I know that you're gonna be selling to people,
and you're gonna just be telling your life story,
but you need to cut that shit out right now,
or you're gonna get popped.
And stop smiling like you're in a motherfucking day care,
or I'll rob you.
The only reason I'm not robbing you right now
is because of her,
and I'll probably make more off of you in the long run
than I can take off you right now.
Don't tell anyone more than they need to know.
Don't tell anybody shit about your personal life.
You want to talk?
Talk about the weather or movies
or some bullshit.
Don't pick up that phone if you don't have to.
Don't text if you don't have to.
Keep all your conversations to a minimum.
Stay paranoid, B, and keep it moving.
You understand me?
Yeah?
Good.
You call me when you need, all right?
You too, sweetheart.
- They seem nice.
[hip-hop music playing]
Hi. - Hey.
- How much would that scale be?
- That is 40, but for you, 35.
- Oh, wow, that's so nice. Thank you.
Yeah, I'll take that, please.
- Anything else?
- Could I also get some of those baggies, please?
- You got a lot of jewelry, right?
- Why do you think that?
- That is what you put in the baggies, right?
- Oh. - Jewelry, yeah.
- Jewelry, yeah, no, yeah, for...
that's why I need the baggies, is for my jewelry.
- Right, for jewelry.
- Yeah, also the scale is for weighing jewelry.
It's all jewelry purchases.
- Total, $40. - Okay.
- Thank you.
- Good luck, huh?
- Thanks, with my jewelry.
Okay.
Oh, God, sorry. Sorry.
- It's all right. - Okay, sorry, bye.
Thank you.
[rock music]
"Hey, this is David Shapiro.
"I lost my job, so I sell weed now.
"This is my weed number.
"Text me if you need, please.
"I deliver.
Also feel free to pass this number around."
How am I gonna sell all this?
I texted everyone I know who smokes,
like, two hours ago, and I got one response.
I feel like that might not add up to a full-time job.
- Could you just not sell it and then say that you did?
- I don't think that would be super profitable,
but it's a good idea.
- You know, I was actually thinking about this,
and do you realize that
if you get caught selling weed,
it doesn't matter where you went to college
or how cute you are?
Because nobody who pays over minimum wage
is ever going to hire you ever.
I just really want the best for you.
I mean, I really care about you.
I know that sounds really corny, but I do.
Do you want to see something?
- Yeah.
- Okay, hand me my laptop.
- Oh, on your laptop. - Yes, on my laptop.
What more do you want to see?
- I don't know. - You're gonna like it.
I promise. - All right, laptop.
- Thank you. - You're welcome. Uh-oh.
- Okay, get ready.
Ta-da.
- What is this?
- This is a replacement for that ugly, hideous couch
in your living room.
- Whoa, pump the brakes.
You just moved in here, like, 45 seconds ago,
and you're already redecorating.
Yo, this my bach pad, B. It's not our starter home.
- Oh, give me a break.
I just thought it might, like,
make the room less hideous, you know?
And it'll make it more comfortable,
and it's, like, a perfect replacement
because it probably doesn't smell as bad.
And that's a huge problem that I'm having with the one
that you have now.
What are you doing?
Are you trying to, like, figure out a way
to sell weed on the Internet?
- No, I'm just trying something.
I probably won't even go through with it.
- This is completely fucking insane.
Please do not use your one phone call from jail on me.
I am not going to help you.
[soft music]
[phone chimes]
[upbeat music]
- Hey.
Are... are you MJ? - Yeah.
- Okay, and you are a cop,
because you have to tell me if you're a cop.
Please just tell me if you're a cop.
- I'm definitely not a cop.
- Promise? - Yeah.
But I might be a psychopath
who wants to lure into our apartment
to murder you.
- Honestly that would be, like, a huge relief to me
versus you being a cop.
Okay, where do we do this?
- My apartment's right there.
- And you're not gonna, like, rob me or something, right?
'Cause I don't have any cash on me.
It would be a total waste of your time,
so don't rob me, please.
Maybe I should get one of those stickers that says,
"Carries less than $30 cash," and,
like, put it on my bike,
you know, 'cause then people would know not to rob me.
It wouldn't be worthwhile.
Yeah, no, this isn't where I would take somebody
and then rob them or murder them.
In a darkened staircase.
That's 20.
Have you ordered online before or...
- No, I just did it 'cause I just moved here
and I don't know anybody.
So do you have, like, regular hours,
or can you deliver whenever?
- I deliver whenever. Just email me when you need.
- I'm gonna need, like, every day, so
maybe we should just set up a time
and do that.
- Okay, do you want to say here every day at noon?
- Yeah, sounds good.
- Cool, I will see you tomorrow then.
- See you tomorrow.
[playful rock music]
[phone chiming]
- I never knew sea horses are hermaphrodites.
- Yeah, that's pretty incredible.
- Yeah. - I made my first sale.
Bye.
John, what's up, man?
- What's up?
- 20. - Whoa.
Hey, mom, no, I'm on my lunch break,
but I just wanted to call and tell you
that work is going much better than it was,
and I don't want you to worry about me not liking my job,
because, you know, I do.
- * I never grow up in my head *
* Oh, my heart and soul are dead *
- Sorry.
- * In my mind *
* I'm alone *
* In my mind *
- That's awesome.
- * I'm alone *
* New York City *
* New York *
- Breaking news, the U.S. stock market
witnessed one of its worst trading days in history
when the Dow dropped nearly 20% today.
- Hello? - Panicked brokers are trying
to encourage investors to keep them selling,
but it doesn't look like it's doing much good.
Let's go to our financial expert James Douglas,
who's live on Wall Street and witnessing the chaos...
- What's up, dude?
- Hey, are you Jeff?
You're Jeff.
What did you need?
- Do you have eighth?
- Yeah.
So it's, um, 80.
Sweet apartment.
- Thanks, it was a birthday gift from my father.
- My dad once got me a LSAT prep book for my birthday.
- Hey, do you want to smoke?
- No, I actually have some deliveries
right now to do, but thanks,
and maybe next time.
[dramatic music]
- You Green Jacket?
We have to go for a ride.
- How far are we going? - Around the block.
- Do you think we could go into a store or something?
I was told to, you know, like,
not get into cars with strangers.
- Kid, don't waste my fucking time.
Can you roll me one?
- Yeah.
No, thanks.
- No, thanks?
- It makes me uncomfortable.
Get paranoid, very prone to panic attacks, anxiety,
et cetera.
- [laughs]
You don't seem like a regular pot dealer.
- You're not really a regular pot buyer.
- How'd you get into this?
- I want to be a writer,
but that doesn't really seem realistic,
so I'm doing this until something better occurs to me.
Before this, I had a conventional job,
but I lost it.
- I know how you feel.
The board of directors at my firm
is meeting... well...
they're gonna remove me.
- You want to deal weed?
I could put you in touch with my supplier.
- [laughs] No, thank you.
Appreciate it.
Is that your bike?
I used to have an old Schwinn when I was in college.
That thing weighs, like, half a fucking ton, right?
- It's heavy, but I think maybe only,
like, 30 or 40 pounds.
- Why don't you get yourself something decent?
- Are you serious?
- I'm investing in your operation.
When you're a kingpin, you'll bring me some free bags.
[playful rock music]
- Good luck with the Board.
[upbeat rock music]
- * Take your pride and stick it in your pocket *
* Take those little pictures of friends *
* Hanging on your wall *
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I got a new bike. - Yeah, I can see that.
- What do you think? - It's nice.
That's really nice.
Cool.
- I got you something too.
- I'm excited. - I got you...
- Oh!
- The inedible candy that you love so much.
- I love it. - Yeah?
- Thank you.
- I have a distinct recollection
of you eating that the night we met,
and it was, like, really hard for you to eat, so you kind
of looked weird, which was weird
because usually you're so cool and casual.
But that night, it was, like,
the opposite of smoking a cigarette.
- [laughing] Thank you.
That'll be gone in a week.
- Gross.
Here, get on.
- No, I can't get on. - Yeah, yeah, for sure you can.
- No my skirt... it's, like, not conducive for bike riding.
It's really... I can't... look.
- Okay, just... - [laughs] I can't.
- Just side-saddle it. - What do you mean?
- Just, like, sit here but, like, face there.
- But how is it gonna work? Am I gonna die?
- Just sit. Do you trust me?
- Yeah, this is fun.
- Yeah, what do you think? - It's nice.
My feet were hurting.
- Oh, good. This is your chariot.
- Why is it so nice, though?
Why'd you get such an expensive one?
- Well, at the risk of sounding tautological,
I prefer to think of it as my, like, investment
in my business, you know?
- [laughs] Okay.
- I'm gonna write it off my drug dealer taxes.
- [laughs]
[calm acoustic guitar music]
This place is cool. You live here?
- Don't ask me personal shit.
- Oh, yeah, right, sorry.
- My dad's the super. - Oh, cool.
- So you want Blueberry Haze or California Sunset?
- Same price?
I'll take Blueberry Haze then.
Does it have, like, blueberry plant DNA,
like, spliced into it or something?
- No, B, the name's are all bullshit.
Wake up. You should reconsider
because the California Sunset's from Cal...
[footsteps approaching]
Yo, that seat is hot, man.
You said got some new tires on it?
How you like them?
- Oh, yeah, no, they're nice. They're gator skins.
My old ones were starting to get worn down
and weren't gripping the road right,
and all it takes is one accident, you know?
So you got to be careful, but I think I want to put
a lighter crank set on it too.
I think that's gonna be my next move.
- You picked that up quick, man.
- Thanks.
- All right, I got to go, man.
For real, though,
how do you ride this thing, man?
I mean, why? No brakes, no helmet.
You can't even control the shit.
- Oh, man, I can't imagine not riding fixed gear anymore,
and I control it as well as I can control a regular bike
with regular brakes.
You know, all you do is, like, stop your feet,
and that's how you stop moving.
It's kind of hard to imagine if you hadn't ridden one before,
but all it takes is a little bit of practicing,
like zooming around traffic, like...
You know, it's almost like you're connected to the road,
and, like, there's just nothing like it, you know?
I think honestly for some people it can be,
like, a spiritual thing,
and obviously also there are some mechanical advantages too,
but that's not why I ride it, you know?
- Damn, brah, I didn't want a fucking sermon.
Let me ride it. - Okay, you got it?
Just peddle. - Yeah, I got it.
- Yeah. - Whoa.
- Slow down, slow down.
Just stop peddling, stop... just stop peddling.
No, keep... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're fucking crazy, B.
I don't know how to stop this thing.
- It gets easier.
- Want no part of that shit.
- I've never seen your face like that.
[laughs]
Hey. - Hey.
- Hi. - Hey.
- How are you? - Good.
What's up?
- Nothing; I have, like, 15 new customers or something,
so it's kind of crazy.
- Oh, that's awesome.
- Yeah, I think it's... I think it's awesome.
- Yeah. - I'll see you in a bit.
- Oh, you're leaving?
- Yeah, I got to go, but I'll see you tonight, okay?
- Okay. Both: Bye.
- Oh, slow down, chief.
You want winner? My ice cream's, like, melting.
- No, seriously I can't. I got deliveries, but thanks.
- Dude, you're a weed dealer, not an ambulance driver.
They're not gonna give a fuck if you're 15 minutes late.
- I guess we'll never know.
[bright acoustic guitar music]
- Wow.
- Did you know...
- Yeah? - That the restaurant
Red Lobster invented the dish shrimp scampi?
- Really? - Yeah, in, like,
the 1970s, it didn't exist,
and then they just invented it.
- Okay, good one. - Okay.
- Did you know that Taco Bell invented the hard shell taco?
- No, is that true? - That is completely 100% true,
and did you know that Au Bon Pain invented bread?
- Wait, that one sounds like it's probably not true.
- It is true. - The word "pain" does...
- My French is not so good.
- Well, lucky for you, mine is excellent, so...
- D'accord.
Do you even understand what that means?
- No, but it's very sexy. - Thank you.
- You can continue to speak French for me
at any and all times.
- I speak a little French.
We should go to Paris, and I should try it out.
- Let's go right now.
[lively piano music]
- Surprise!
[cheers and applause]
- Birthday!
- Thank you guys so much.
Hey!
- My man.
Happy birthday.
- What's up? Totally fooled.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hi, friends. All: Hi.
- I was so nervous I'd run into one of you on the way in,
but it worked out, so...
- It totally worked out.
- I was nervous. - It's amazing.
I don't know how you guys... I don't know how you did this.
- I did it. I pulled it off.
- Thank you.
- The birthday boy.
[all exclaim]
- Happy birthday!
- Whoo!
- Hey. - Hey, this is amazing.
Thank you so much.
- What's going on with you, though?
Are you okay? You're, like, half dead.
- Oh, it's just I actually took two of your clonazepams
before we came, so I just need to get some food in my stomach.
- I don't have any more clonazepam.
What are you talking about? - Yeah, you do.
I know it was on the night stand.
- David, that was zolpidem. Did you really take that?
- When you did start taking a sleeping pill?
- When you started coming home at 5:00 in the morning,
waking me up, but honestly,
what difference does it make when I started taking it?
Why would you take my pills without asking me what they are?
- I don't know, because I like them.
[cheers and applause]
- Yay! - Speech, speech, speech!
All: Speech, speech, speech!
- My excellent good friends,
a thousand monkeys
and a thousand typewriters couldn't convey
how I feel in this moment.
Thank you, guys.
[laughs]
[somber music]
- We'll get the check separate.
Separate bills.
Thank you.
[phone chimes]
- Guys, I'm so sorry.
He'll be here any... oh, here he is.
He's here. Yeah, I'll keep an eye on the...
Thank you. Thank you for waiting.
Hey. - I had to go to fucking Queens.
- Cool, I had to fight tooth and nail to keep this court.
I mean, look at that guy, he's huge.
And now we only have 30 minutes to play, so...
- So let's get going. - Great.
Do you want to play a set or just hit.
- Let's play a set.
I don't need any warm up. I was on the bike all day.
- Great, 'cause we don't have time for you to warm up.
- You want to serve? - Yeah, ready?
First ball in.
Oh, sorry, little rusty.
Here we go, you ready?
Oh.
Yeah, sorry. That... yup.
- Okay, I get it. I get it.
I'm on your shit list right now.
Can we please just, like, play?
- This is playing.
Here we go.
- Hilarious.
[phone chimes]
- It's like I'm high or something.
I don't know.
- As amazing as playing tennis with you
right now is, I got to go on a run.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, no, I'm really sorry,
but I did make it clear I might have to leave early.
- I mean, we just starting playing.
Did we... did we not just start playing?
- Again, really sorry. I know this sucks, but...
- Can't you just do it after we finish?
- My customers use me because I'm fast and reliable.
I'm the best at this.
If I start making exceptions, my business is fucked.
I'll make it up to you, okay? We'll play another day.
- No, I don't think so, dude.
Like, I don't think
we can play tennis or socialize or anything
until you get a new job.
- What do you mean, Mike?
- I mean, I'm just over it, dude.
Every time we hang out, I have to worry
that the DEA is gonna show up with assault rifles
and take us to prison.
- The DEA. - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I think you've been watching too many movies.
It's hard to imagine there's anyone lower
on the weed-dealing totem pole than me.
I sell, like, tiny amounts of weed.
- Yeah, and you sell a lot of them,
like a lot of teeny amounts of weed.
Maybe they need some. Why don't you go ask?
You should seriously consider
how this job is affecting your relationships.
I mean, have you even talked to your girlfriend?
[melancholy rock music]
- I will be right back.
- * To be young, to live by the ocean *
* To be alone, to be no one of the city *
* Disarray, endless smoke *
* Endless grey *
* Sombre, pallid sorrow *
* Oh, oh *
* Streetlamps acid *
* Yellow *
* Onwards *
- Thanks.
- Want to smoke?
- I've got, like, five other deliveries
right now, but...
- You say that every day. Is it me?
- I just don't think it would be a good idea
for me to come inside.
[rock music playing]
- Hi.
- What's up?
- I'm going to the Janie tonight.
You want to come?
- The Janie, really?
Like... like, by yourself.
- No, with my roommate.
- Aren't I your roommate?
- Yeah, no, my roommate from school.
- Are you sure you don't want to stay here tonight?
- Um, and do what?
- We could watching this streaming documentary
that one of my customers was telling me about,
about how animals masturbate.
Spoiler alert, whales masturbate
by rubbing up against rocks.
- Okay.
Can you zip me up?
Sorry.
- Yeah.
Also, though, did you know that rats have clitorises?
- No, I did not, but, yeah, thank you.
Okay, bye.
- Even castrated horses masturbate.
Orangutans actually fashion dildos out of tree bark.
I mean, you can't be a part-time drug dealer.
It's a full-time gig,
and plus, I'm trying to find inspiration for my story.
I mean, I'm still planning on writing a novel.
I don't know, I don't know.
It is what it is.
- Why do you chew up your pills like that?
- Makes them work faster.
- I don't like my job either.
- Really?
It seems like it could be fun.
- Writing about commercial real estate?
- Yeah, no, I don't know. I mean, it seems
like it could be interesting,
big deals, big egos, et cetera.
Want to trade jobs?
- No way.
But I think they might be hiring other writers
if you're interested.
- What, really? Yeah, definitely.
- Do you have any experience writing?
- I write a blog about a music website.
Would that count?
- Email me the link, and I'll show it to my boss.
- Awesome.
- I know what you're doing. - What?
- What, do you think we don't know what's going on here?
Yeah, you're here every couple of days greasy
like you've been biking all day.
- Yeah, no, I like to bike. - Yeah, you like to bike.
I know you like to bike. Sometimes your eyes are red.
- Okay.
- And you look like you're gonna shit your pants.
Every time you leave, the kid from 6J,
he comes down, too, a half hour later.
His eyes are red too, only he's more chilled out.
- Yeah, no, look, I don't know what you're talking about, man.
That kid's just my friend,
and I come to say what's up to him, so...
- Yeah, okay, what's his last name?
- I don't know it.
I mean, we just, like, take class together.
It's not, like, I, you know, asked him already.
I don't know his life story, you know?
- Just relax. Let me get some.
Yeah, give me a little smoke.
- What?
You scared the shit out of me, dude.
- Sorry, I was only fucking with you.
- Yeah, hilarious.
How much do you need? - Let me get a G.
- It's 20.
- Let me get another one.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, oh, it's another 20, though.
- Cops and security guards, we're like this.
[calm acoustic guitar music]
Nice doing business with you.
[phone chimes]
- What's up? - What's up, bro?
You all right?
- Good, what's going on? - Nothing, you ready?
- Do it outside like this? - No, it's in here.
- Oh.
- Said you wanted 3 ounces, right?
- Yeah, please.
- Cool.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Is everything else good with you, bro?
- Yeah, things are good. How you doing?
- All right, man, you know.
Just hanging in there, so to speak.
- Put your hands behind your back,
and get up against the wall!
You're under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say or do can be used...
- Ace, what's happening? - I don't know, David.
I don't know. - Ace, Ace, Ace.
Ace.
- If you do not have a lawyer... - Ace, what is this, man?
- Man, he's about to faint.
[laughter]
You should see your face right now.
It's a joke, man.
Lighten up.
Oh, come on, David,
we're just joking with you, man.
I'll see you next week.
[chuckles]
[soft piano music]
[door opens, closes]
- What happened?
- I got robbed, but only for, like,
$20 by a doorman, so whatever.
It's just, like,
some kind of tax or something, I guess,
but then Ace played a prank on me
that really wasn't funny.
- I'm really sorry, David, but,
like, you knew that stuff like this was gonna happen.
- Okay, you're right.
- Okay.
So I talked to Mike.
- I gathered.
- This job you have
is making it impossible to spend any time with you.
You probably spend more time
with your customers than you do with your actual friends,
and you act weird all the time
because you are always stoned or on pills.
And you leave places in the middle of hanging out,
and everyone's really, really worried about you
because you sell weed
in the most public way possible: on the Internet.
- Well, I don't know what else to do.
You know, this is something that I'm good at
and makes me feel satisfied with myself, you know?
Even if there are occasional hiccups.
- This whole entire thing is a hiccup.
We used to, like, spend time together like normal people.
Like, we would go out and do things
and do activities,
and now I spend more time with your roommate,
sitting on that disgusting couch in your living room,
than I do with you.
- Come on, seriously, I mean,
we have nice conversations,
and you teach me things all the time.
- When I first met you,
I felt curious about you,
and I felt connected to you in a way
that I haven't felt with anybody else before.
You have a lot of ideas,
and some of them are great,
like selling hummus in squeeze bottles.
- Great for sandwiches. - It's brilliant!
But, like, I don't know what to do.
Like, I can't do this anymore
if you're not gonna be here with me at all.
- Okay, okay.
Can we make a deal?
- It depends what it is.
- I will try to be more here,
like, way more here,
if you can try to be more okay
with what I'm doing when I'm not here.
- I don't know. I guess we could try it.
- Let's try it. - Okay.
- Now, do you want to hear some good news
about a possible thing that might happen?
One of my customers is gonna try to set me up with a writing job.
It's something.
I'm sorry.
- What are you doing on Thursday at 7:00?
- Whatever you want. Why?
- I want you to take me to dinner.
You've neglected me for, like, over two months,
and now you have to make it up to me.
- Well, then you'd better get ready,
'cause you're gonna have, like, so much dinner,
like, more dinner than, like,
you're even gonna know what to do with.
I mean, it's gonna be, like, 14 courses.
There's gonna be amuse-bouches
and aperitifs and digestifs.
All the "tifs" are gonna be well-represented.
- Okay.
- And I really am sorry.
- Thank you.
- Hey, it's me.
I just have one more stop to make, and then I'll be there.
So probably like 8:45.
[elevator bell dings]
[knocks on door]
[man squealing]
- Hello.
- I have your delivery.
- Well, come on in.
[club music]
Let me see the shit.
What's this one called?
- It's Candy Apple.
- Candy Apple, Candy Apple.
I've smoked Swansea,
Blue Haze,
Jack Frost, Lowrider,
Wonderberry, Misty,
Iceberry Blue, JFK.
I even smoked Horse Shit with my grandma.
Don't do that.
This any good?
- Yeah, it's great.
It's 40 for the two. - Is this a gram each?
'Cause it looks like maybe .8, .9.
- Yeah, no, they're 20s, not grams.
We're not in Europe, dude.
- [laughs] We're not in Europe.
- God bless America. - Let's get fucked up.
- I have somewhere to be, actually, so enjoy.
- Oh, oh, got some girls coming.
- Yeah, I should probably just...
- Well, I got these.
- What are those? - I don't know.
[soft piano music]
[mellow electronic music]
- Fuck.
Fuck.
[melancholy acoustic guitar music]
- * Nobody home *
* Feeling alone *
* That's when they show *
* Don't let 'em in *
* Would be a sin *
* Again and again *
* For the rest of my life *
* Ooh *
* See *
* I've been thinking a lot *
* Trying not to change *
* Please *
* Stay *
* Oh, I'm all messed up *
* Just help me find a way *
- Do you have the two eighths?
- Have you heard anything about the job yet?
- Yeah, I don't think it looks good.
They just hired a couple of people.
- Did you show your boss my blog?
- Yeah. Yeah, it was great.
It was really interesting stuff.
He said it just wasn't, like, the same thing that we do.
- I can do other stuff.
It's not like the ability to write about real estate
is, like, an inborn characteristic, you know?
I mean, I could learn how to...
- Do you have the plants? - Of course.
But do you see what I'm saying about the...
- Can I just have them?
Christmas!
- Thanks. - Later.
- See you.
[both speaking Spanish]
- Oh, shit, a cop.
- Where you going?
- Fuck!
Fuck, was you watching me, man?
- You had me, huh? - Fucking bullshit, man.
- Hey, man, leave them boys alone, now.
What you doing, man?
Them boys... hey!
Legalize it, pavilar!
- Have you talked to her yet?
- Yeah, I sent her some texts and emails,
including one which I wrote entirely
from the perspective of the "mailer demon," so...
- Wait, what's the mailer demon?
- You know that thing that, you know,
sends you an email when you send an email
to an address that doesn't exist.
It bounces it back to you, you know,
and then it says "Mailer Demon" at the top in all caps.
What?
- I'm pretty sure that's called Mailer-Daemon.
- Mailer-Daemon?
That's... I don't even think that's a word.
Wouldn't it be demon?
What's a daemon? - I don't know.
I've never really actually heard someone say Mailer-Daemon
or mailer demon out loud, so you might actually be right.
So has she replied back to your email or...
- Oh, yeah, I'll show you.
She sent me this sweet pic
of a middle finger made out of,
like, backslashes and stuff.
- That's creative.
- She really spent a lot of time on it,
and she's clearly thinking about me,
so I feel like it's just a matter of time now.
- Come on, we're good.
- Yeah, no, it's...
- Hey, maybe... you know what?
Maybe you should just relax on her.
- Oh, come on, man, look how happy these guys are.
They're drinking the same stuff.
I feel like we're all gonna be all smiles pretty soon here.
[electronic chiming]
Hey, what's... - Did you turn Ace in?
- What? - Did you turn Ace in?
He got arrested.
- What? Holy shit!
- 'Cause he thinks you turned him in.
Now he's looking for you.
- What? Why?
- 'Cause he saw you, like,
a minute before he got arrested,
and then afterwards, he tried to call you to ask about it,
and you didn't answer.
Like, why didn't you answer?
- I don't know. I didn't see his call.
I must've missed it. What are you talking about?
Wait, did you tell him where I live?
- I mean, I told him the cross streets,
but I didn't tell him your address.
I didn't even know why he was asking until, like,
after I already told him.
Like, I'm sorry.
- Oh, fuck.
Do you think he's gonna tell the cops about me or something?
- I mean, I don't think that's really his style.
Like, I don't think he would, but you're,
like, a tiny fish to them anyway, so...
- What is his style?
- [groans softly]
[ominous music]
Shit. Shit.
- Do you go to school?
- Don't ask me personal shit, man.
You're a fucking drug dealer.
Drug dealers don't talk about personal shit.
They talk about benign shit or don't talk.
- Yeah, I just... - Yeah.
[buzzing]
[buzz]
Were you just doing that for free weed?
It's okay if you were. Like, I won't be offended, but...
Fuck!
Shit!
God fucking... fuck!
- Hey, yo, cuz, what up?
- Man, take it.
Everything's in there.
Ace, man, listen.
Ace, man, I didn't say anything to anyone.
I swear, man. Why would I do that?
I wouldn't fucking... Ace, man, please.
Please.
- It's all right.
- Ugh!
- Get the fuck out of here.
You got something for me?
Little bitch.
Come and get some.
What you got here?
Got a little treat for me?
Oh, jackpot, fellas.
We're partying tonight.
You don't remember what I told you?
Stay paranoid, B!
[laughs]
- [crying]
Hey, mom.
I just had a shitty day at work, you know,
so I thought I'd call and say hi.
Um, one of our clients just delayed paying his fee for,
like, months
and then just declared bankruptcy,
so my boss is just in a really foul mood, you know?
And Kate broke up with me.
Like, a month ago.
My girlfriend.
Ma, I did.
Ma, I've had a few girlfriends.
Okay.
Okay, good night, bye.
[sobbing]
- I didn't even know you were here.
We're gonna order some Dominos. You want?
- Um, yeah, sure.
- What happened to you?
- I don't... I don't want to talk about it, please.
Can I buy some hydrocodone off of you, though, please?
- You can have some.
Here.
- Thanks.
Do you think it was a mistake
for me to let Kate move in with us?
- I really enjoyed having her here.
She was very comforting.
- I think that if you add up all of the waking moments
in the last four months
of which you were not making any mistakes,
it would probably add up to about six hours.
- So, like, what did I do that wasn't a mistake?
- Kate... definitely not a mistake, I think.
She was so hot that I thought
she had to be mentally defective to be sleeping with you.
- You're such a fucker.
- Or hiding a secret,
like maybe she murdered her parents.
I don't know.
- Why didn't you tell me I was fucking up, man?
- There were way too many other people
trying to tell you that I didn't need to.
- Not that you listened.
- No.
- So what are you gonna do now?
[soft music]
- "And luckily Ace didn't kill me,
"and eventually he found the kid who really did turn him in,
"and he texted me, 'Sorry, bro.'
"And I texted him back, 'It's okay.
"I forgive you.'
"I was not cut out for that business,
but not everything was totally destroyed."
[upbeat guitar strumming]
- * I walk into the sea *
* So my shadow couldn't follow me *
* All the things that went before *
* Couldn't see me to the door *
* I left my shoes I went on my feet *
* Walking blues down the broken street *
* It's true I miss the girls like you *
* 'Cause you're the only one I met *
* All those bats tangled in my hair *
* The highway's long but I don't care *
* The true north strong and free *
* Can blow its wind away from me *
* I know that love will come to an end *
* But I still wish that you were my friend *
* I know that love will come and go *
* It melted just like... *
[doorbell rings]
- He looks like a deranged maniac.
- I'll deal with it. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hi.
- What are you doing here?
What happened to your face?
- Um, so you left these at my apartment,
and I wanted you to have them.
- David, what the fuck?
What the fuck are you doing at my house?
- Well, I came to see you.
- Why didn't you tell me you were coming?
- You would've said I couldn't.
- Why are you covered in sweat?
Did you bike here?
Why?
- I don't know. It was nice out.
I didn't... I didn't really give it much thought.
I just sort of did it. Can we please talk?
- Okay, fine.
Mom, I'm going out for, like, one minute.
I'll be right back, okay?
Okay, let's go down, talk down here.
[insects chirping]
- It's nice to see you.
- What happened to you?
- I got beat up by Ace.
I mean, I deserved it, you know?
I don't think I have the constitution
to be a drug dealer.
I mean, you know that.
I came to tell you that I miss you
and that I took for granted
and that I know that I took for you granted
and that I'm really, really sorry I took you for granted.
I'm making some of the changes that we talked about, you know?
- You're still working, though?
- Not anymore.
I can live off my savings for a while.
You know, I made, like, $25,000-ish,
so I feel like that should be all right.
- There was $25,000 under that bed
I was sleeping in?
- Probably more like $15,000 to $18,000 when you slept in it,
but...
- Whatever, though, it's... it's not worth it.
You know that.
- I know.
- Do you think that writing job's gonna work out?
- Definitely not, but I've been applying
to a lot of other stuff,
but I feel like this might be off-putting
to potential employers, but...
- Babe. - Hi.
Um...
- That's your ex-boyfriend.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
Um...
You probably should...
- Yeah. - I...
- I'm so frustrated with myself.
I don't know why I do stupid things.
I'm just, like, kind of a fucking idiot, you know?
Can I tell you a secret?
- Yeah.
- Hey!
Hey!
[upbeat music]
- [laughs]
Simon! Simon, stop it!
Simon! Come back.
What are... what are you doing?
- * I was on the ropes when you needed my hands *
* I was on the dope when you needed me down *
* I was on the hip when you needed my heart *
* I was on the hopes that you needed me now *
* And I was on the roof and you were the stars *
* I was on your lips, you were in my heart *
* I was on the first boat out of this town *
* You were on the front porch waving me out *
* I was on the ropes when you needed me *
* And I was on the dope when you needed to know *
* I was on the cuff when you needed my sleeve *
* I was on the roots when you needed to grow *
* More than ever I can see into the back of my mind *
* And I find me alone, me alone, me alone, baby *
* Be alone, be alone, be alone, baby *
* I was on the ropes when you needed my hands *
* I was on the dope when you needed me down *
* I was on the hip when you needed my heart *
* I was on the hopes that you needed me now *
* More than ever I can see into the back of mind *
* Baby, I find me alone, me alone, me alone *
* And I was on the moon in the back of my van *
* We were in the bedroom talking on old tin cans *
* And we'll be alone, be alone, baby *
* Be alone, be alone, be alone, be alone *
* Be alone, be alone *