First: "Birth of a Nation".
Then: "Gone with the Wind",
"2001 - A Space Odyssey",
"Love Story",
"See you next Wednesday".
And now:
When I discover who or what is responsible for this,
they're gonna be in big trouble.
Ivan, radio headquarters.
This is Joe Putzman live.
And never has a word been so full of meaning.
Live from Kablonsky Peace Park,
on location with our WAOH TV6 mobile unit,
bringing you the latest news
on the most recent
and perhaps most horrendous scene of distraction so far,
in the recent rash of the unsolved "Banana murders"
in our community.
So-called because of the banana peels usually found on the scene of the crime.
It seems
that the entire "Canyon Valley Metaphysical Bowling Society Annual Picnic"
was taken by surprise this morning.
And apparently no one survived whatever ghastly thing attacked them.
The full body count so far is an amazing 239.
Although, there is some disagreement on that depressing figure.
It seems that several cadavers were so badly torn apart,
that it will be quite impossible to ascertain exactly,
how many individuals those pieces belong to.
I've just been handed a note here.
From what I understand,
these grisly relics of death have been put into plastic bags
or baggies and are to be sorted out back at the morgue.
It says here, that the first viewer to send in a correct estimate
on exactly how many individuals those baggies contain...
Could we have a shot of the baggies, please?
...will win a free "Kentucky Chicken Dinner" with all the trimmings
and enough Cola for a family of six.
So be sure to send your entries right away to:
"Body Count Contest", c/o Joe Putzman,
WAOH-TV, Channel 6,
your community-minded station.
There seems to be some activity over here. I'll make my way toward it.
What are you trying to say?
What was it? Was it bigger than a breadbox?
Sounds like, sounds like. Title of a movie, title of a book?
Speak up, man!
Bananas! Bananas!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am going to approach Detective Sgt. Wino,
who has been placed in charge of this particular case.
Possibly the most bizarre and bloody series of crimes in history.
Excuse me, Detective Sgt. Wino. I'm Joe Putzman.
I was wondering if you'd like to reassure our viewing audience,
that this reign of terror in our town will soon be over.
That these ghastly series of "Banana murders" will soon cease.
Can you tell us anything? Give us one ray of hope,
that our streets will soon be safe to walk again.
No.
Well, sure you have some sort of lead, some hunch you're following?
We haven't a clue
and I would say this thing is gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.
Hundreds more may die, in fact thousands.
If it weren't for my job, I wouldn't even
go out of my house, until this whole thing is over.
These "Banana murders" are really strange.
What you're saying is, that the situation is totally out of control?
Yes.
Thank you for those encouraging words, Detective Sgt. Wino.
Well, I guess that just about winds it up here at Kablonsky Peace Park.
Be sure and mail your estimate to:
"Body Count Contest", c/o Joe Putzman,
WAOH-TV, Channel 6,
your community-minded station.
And be sure to watch the "Dinnertime Movie" tonight at six on six.
Tonight it's "See you next Wednesday",
starring Charles Laughton, Claudette Colbert and Mickey Rooney.
A fun-filled musical frolic, through the leper colonies of Europe
during the Thirty Years' War.
Well that's all for now.
And this is Joe Putzman saying: "Have a happy".
Boy, I can't wait until the Big Dance, this gonna be so far out you.
I'm in the decorating committee and we can't decide
whether to the gym in Psychedelic or Hawaiian.
This is one High School Dance, it's gonna be truly fun.
I'm bringing all my records: Bobby Sherman, The Monkeys,
Cliff Richard, The Archies, The Delfonics,
Frank Zappa, Pat Boone...
I hope Mindy's eyes are better for the Dance.
You mean Mindy? Blind Mindy?
But she's been blind ever since her accident in the eight grade.
Mindy went into eye surgery three or four days ago.
And if that doctor knows what he's doing,
when the bandages are removed she should be able to see.
I don't know that.
She's been Cal's girlfriend for two years and she's never even seen him.
Yeah, well, he doesn't have to worry.
Cal is just the grooviest looking guy in the whole school.
Oh I see. Thanks a lot.
Come on, Bobby. You know I think you're good-looking.
I mean I'm going steady with you, aren't I?
I wouldn't be wearing your pin, if you look like this.
Where the hell is that come from?
Look, banana peel.
Listen guys, I think this is the work of the Banana Killer.
Well, whoever did it, obviously is bananas.
Come on, we better go to the police. - Right!
No, wait a minute.
I think we should take a look around.
What if the Banana Killer is looking at us right now.
Don't be a moron, Billy. We got to get out of here.
Don't be a Sissy, Bobby.
Hey, Banana Killer!
We got Fay Wray over here!
Let's go. - Come on, Billy.
What could possibly happen to all four of us? I mean...
Billy, are you alright?
Hey you guys, come down here, it's out-of-sight.
What's down there?
A whole cave-thing! Out-of-sight!
And you are out of your mind.
What do you think, Barbara? - I don't know, what do you think, Betty?
I don't know. What do you think, Bobby?
I don't know. What do you think, Barbara?
I don't know. What do you think, Bobby?
Okay, Billy. Betty, Barbara and I are gonna come on down.
Gee, it's so dark in here.
Usually it is dark in underground caves.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
Look! - Bobby!
Betty! - Barbara! - Billy!
Bananas! - Bones?
Blood? Bananas. - Billy.
There's got to be something down here and I'm gonna find out what.
Let's just get out of here. I've got such a case of the creeps.
Look! That trail of blood leads of into the darkness.
Right.
I wouldn't go, if I were you.
You're not me, Bobby. You stay here with Barbara and Betty.
Be careful, Billy.
Billy, are you alright?
This time we better go to police.
Wrong. I'm gonna go see what's the matter.
Excuse me, have you seen...
Kids, this is all very interesting,
but how do I know, that you're telling me the truth?
Hello? Listen, I think we've trapped this Banana Killer.
I want eight squad cars and three men outside right away.
No. Make that the Tactical Squad and the Fire Engine.
No, stick to the cars and the men. And ration out a lot of weapons, guns, clubs,
tear gas, things like that. Got that?
Eight men, three patrol-cars, call the Fire Engine,
call the Tactical Squad and handing out the weapons.
Right. And call Professor Shlibovitz at the University,
tell him to meet me at the site.
We'll see, whether that little theory of his is correct.
Yes, Sir. - What did you say?
I said "Yes, Sir." - That's what I thought you said.
That's what I did say! - That will be quite enough, Gloria.
I'm leaving the office in three minutes. I want everything ready and waiting.
Yes, Sir.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
The scene is tense here, as we wait to see the infamous Banana Killer,
responsible for 789 deaths in our community in the last three weeks,
is really in that opening.
Only time will tell.
I see that Professor Shlibovitz has arrived.
And as you know,
he has voiced his theory about these "Banana Killings" for the last three weeks,
ever since he examined the first victim.
Excuse me, Professor Shlibovitz, I am Joe Putzman.
I was wondering if you would care to comment,
on just what you expect to find down there today.
Certainly.
For much of the long span of its history,
our planet lay barren and lifeless.
The waters of its oceans rose and fell in tides and scoured onto the winds.
But in them nothing moved.
Above them loomed the continents, bleak as the landscapes of the Moon.
Perhaps as much as two and a half billion years ago,
life mysteriously appeared in the waters.
Tiny one-celled-life-forms, that could truly be called living.
Well, whole bunches of millions of years went by.
Reptiles developed and huge dinosaurs roamed the earth.
The ferocious Allosaurus, the gentle and dumb Brontosaurus,
the fire-breathing Godzilla.
Soon however even these majestic creatures
gave way to the constant parade that is evolution, to the age of the Mammals.
These warm-blooded animals survived,
until almost man-like creatures appear.
However even these early human appearing beings
trembled before the monarch of all he surveyed:
The Simian Gigantus.
Or Kong, King of the Pliocene and Pleistocene areas.
But then we come to the mystery:
What stages of life were there,
between these early human appearing beings and true man?
We have evidence of the Homo Erectus. - The what?
Homo Erectus, the Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon-Man.
And you've only to look about you, to see the modern Homo Sapiens,
that nature took literally an eternity to perfect.
But what of that piece of the puzzle that's missing,
that vacant place, that empty spot,
that blank page, that hollow shell,
that void in our knowledge of the evolutionary chain,
that missing link!
But surely, Professor Shlibovitz.
No, that's Professor Shirley Shlibovitz!
A strange quirk of my mother.
Well, then what you are saying, Shirley,
is that you believe some sort of prehistoric monster is
responsible for the recent destruction in our community.
That the Banana Killer is in reality the missing link.
Yes.
I'm certain that what awaits us down there,
is in actuality the Schlocktropus or Schlock,
usually referred to as the missing link or Yeti.
I believe we're on the brink
of the greatest scientific breakthrough in the last eight or nine weeks.
But Shirley, how has this schlock been able to survive all these millions of years?
I knew you would ask that.
My theory is, that millions of years ago
our friend Schlock was hopping along
through the primeval jungle, looking for food.
He sees a bunch of bananas, hanging seductively from a branch over the river.
Schlock finds himself in much the same situation
as the fabled "Fox and the Grapes".
The bananas are just out of his reach,
so with a mighty leap Schlock jumps for them,
but misses and lands in the river.
Just then along comes the Ice Age
and Schlock lies frozen for these past 20 million years.
Dr. Evlof of the UCLA has had great success reanimating sperms,
after long period of intense cold.
Bears hibernate for winters, why not Schlocks for centuries?
Thank you very much, Shirley.
Have a safe journey and good luck.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you have just heard Professor Shirley Shlibovitz of the university,
voice his theory on just what menacing secret that hole contains.
Excuse me once again, Professor.
What is the purpose of that particular headgear?
That particular helmet was designed by Dr. Hayword Floyd Jarum
of the ACME Research Group.
Yes, I see, but why is it you're wearing it?
I have no idea.
Well...
There goes a fine man, a brave man and one swell guy.
All the hopes and good wishes of our community go with Shirley Shlibovitz.
There is nothing to do now, but wait.
I'm ready.
Hold it steady.
The probe, Professor.
Thank you.
Hold it steady. - I'm holding it.
Just steady there.
While we are waiting, ladies and gentlemen,
I am pleased to announce that there has been a winner in our Body Count Contest.
Mrs. Leroy Binerman of Canyon Valley.
We are privileged to have Mrs. Binerman with us here today.
Just how many bodies were in those bags, Mrs. Binerman?
Four. - That's right.
However did you guess?
I don't know, I just guess.
Well, you guessed correctly.
And that "Kentucky Chicken Dinner" is yours.
Well, I am as pleased as punch.
Why don't you get a haircut?
Why don't you get a job?
As I understand, you're in the drama department?
As a matter of fact, I run the drama department.
Isn't that wonderful? I've seen some of those productions.
Boy, are they marvelous, absolutely terrific.
You liked them? I'm so pleased.
And I tell you one thing,
I understand that you're doing a very new production and as you already know,
Mrs. Binerman is also the sponsor of the upcoming big school dance.
Yes, we are terribly excited about that, especially me,
because my daughter Mindy gets out of the hospital tomorrow
and we're hoping she'll be able to see for the first time in three years.
Well, isn't that wonderful?
Well, congratulations and good luck to you and your daughter.
Oh, and by the way, if Mindys eyesight is going to be restored,
she might like to see our tomorrow "Evening Dinner Time Movie"
at six on six. Tomorrow evenings film is
"See you next Wednesday?",
starring Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed and Stymie Beard,
in an action-packed war drama,
of defrocked missionaries in the Belgian Congo.
Well, we are still awaiting a word from Professor Shlibovitz.
And let me tell you, the scene here is tense.
Well, I think I'll interview some of the crowd.
How do you do, sir? What do you think...
My god. Is that a gorilla suit?
This is fantastic.
Is that some sort of fraternity stunt? It's a genius...
What? No, you're for real.
What? You're the monster!
Oh my... Ladies and gentlemen,
Channel Six is proud, to be the first to bring you Schlock,
the missing link.
Tell me, Schlock: Are you really the Banana Killer?
I'm Joe Putzman.
Come on, men.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
may be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to counsel of your choice or by appointment of the court.
You may make one telephone call...
I'm coming.
Come in.
Go in!
Gloria?
Hey, what do you think of that "Banana-Killer"-Thing?
Well, I agree with that Professor.
I read once an amazing virility magazine about that "Big-Foot"-Thing up north.
Sounded genuine to me.
That's my friend is, because you are a moron.
Well, if I'm a moron, then what's that?
Mama!
Roger, we've got a 460398 at the corner Bentley, over!
Roger, 779341362295. - Roger.
We got a dead dog over at the college, 10-4.
Oh Mum, I'm so excited. - I'm a nurse.
Oh Mum, I'm so excited.
Well, it won't be long now, dear.
In few days you'll see, what your Cal really looks like.
I already know his soul, Mum and it's beautiful.
Yes, well.
You know, we're having a big dance in a few days, doctor, and we wonder,
if she will have a lot of rest before it goes.
Right here, doctor.
Well goodbye, Miss... - Nurse.
Miss Nurse. Goodbye.
Thank you so much, doctor. You've been so kind.
Here, Darling.
Yes, Gloria?
Detective Sgt. Wino, do you have that Prince Albert in the can?
Yes, I do - Just let him out!
I'll come by tomorrow and finish reading the homework assignment.
Cal, you're so considerate. Why are you so nice to me?
That's enough of that now, kids.
Cal, you'll have to go, Mindy's got to rest.
Okay, I'll see you then.
Cal, thanks for helping me with my homework.
He's gone, dear
Why don't you go out in the backyard and rest?
The fresh air will do you good.
We found it. Roger. - Roger.
Roger. Call 14, Call 14. Over.
Call what? - Call 19, we got a 734.
Call 19, we got an okay on 734. - Roger.
Roger. - What for?
Correction on the 734. I've got a 564. - Roger.
Roger. - Sydney.
Roger. - 10-4.
Hello? Who's there?
Hi fella. Hi little dog.
Hi doggy, hi.
What's your name? Should we name you? We call you Willy.
That's a good name.
We call you Willy.
We call you Willy, little dog. You wanna play?
Here, fetch the stick. See the stick? Okay, go get it.
Go on, go on, Willy. Go, get the stick.
Go on. Go on, Willy-Dog. Go on.
Okay, I throw it again.
Go on. Go, get the stick.
Come on, you do that part.
Come on, Willy-Dog.
Good boy. Good boy. Good boy.
Okay, get it again, come on.
Come on, bring it back.
Come on, hurry back. Come on.
Go on.
Good boy, come on. You like playing, don't you?
Little dog. Go on.
Go on, silly dog. What a funny dog you are.
What a funny dog. Good boy.
Okay, okay.
Okay, I know you like playing. Go on.
Next time I'll throw it further, go on.
Go on, good dog.
Go on.
Okay.
Go on.
What a funny dog, I've never met dog like you, little doggy.
Go on, Willy. You never get tired, do you, good dog?
Come on, bring it back.
Come on, come on. Okay, once more.
Come on. Oh, you're so quick, what a good dog.
What a good doggy. Okay, go on, go, get it.
Mindy, come on in, it's getting late.
Willy, come on, boy.
Well, hurry up Mindy, it's getting chilly. It's almost time for dinner.
Coming, mom.
My big girl.
I can see! I can see, Mum!
Oh Baby, my Baby.
Cal? - You're not disappointed?
No, not at all.
Well, do you think you'll feel well enough to go to the Big Dance tomorrow night?
Oh yes, of course. - How do you feel?
I feel as good as I look.
I'm gonna go in the backyard and look and see if my friend Willy's there.
Willy? - It's just some dog she saw playing in the backyard,
but I didn't see him. - But I did and gonna look right now.
Willy? Willy, come on, Willy!
Come on, Willy. Where are you?
Come on, doggy.
Willy, come on. - It looks like your friend isn't here.
But he was here yesterday.
I believe you.
I'm gonna go, okay? I'll pick you up tomorrow 7:30 for the dance.
Okay, see you.
I got something for you.
Gee, thanks. - Bye.
Bye.
How nice to see you.
Is this one of your little friends from school?
Mrs Binerman, get the flares out of the car!
Get back!
The monster is trapped inside. - Right, get lost.
Men, this is the opportunity we've been waiting for.
We've got this thing where we want it. Ivan, get the box.
According to Prof Shlibovitz this thing has been frozen in ice for 20 million years.
So I figure it must be lonely.
And I had the boys at the lab make this thing up.
Now I'm gonna go in and lure out that Schlock-thing.
First thing out that door: Fire. Shoot to kill.
I'm gonna give Ivan this whistle and when he blows it, that's your signal to fire.
Got that? Got that?
Guns ready? Okay.
First the whistle, then fire.
May I help you?
Boss, I can see the kid anymore.
Sorry.
Pardon please.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Give me that! - Shut up, lady!
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Steve!
Please no!
It was just a little dog. - Calm down. Everything will be alright.
It will be alright.
Thank you.
Would you believe me if I told you, there was
something inside of that rock we found tonight?
Something that could wipe out this whole town?
Pardon.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
What is it? - I don't know.
But one thing's for sure, if it can kill Dr. Hallen, it can kill somebody else.
Well, what do you want us to do, Steve?
All right. We're gonna find this thing, and we're gonna make people believe us.
Let's try Johnsonville again, Ritchie.
Excuse me.
It's the most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.
Don't go in, Jim. This won't do any good.
Why did the caveman have to die?
There's a time for everything.
The caveman slept all those years,
then one day you woke like Rip van Winkle.
He found the world so changed he didn't want it anymore.
How would you like if you woke in the 21. Century?
No house, no friends...
Even the town gone.
What a strange world... - I would like it!
You moron! Why don't you watch where you going?
My gosh, Mrs. Binerman, you must have been scared to death.
Yes.
Well, I was a little anxious, yeah.
I think, both you and Mindy are very brave.
Well, nothing will interfere this dance tonight.
Detective Sgt. Wino has been kind enough
to offer us four policemen for outside the gym.
This is going to be the best dance that Canyon Valley High School has ever had.
Hey Slick, I was thinking, I'd go down to "Paul's" for a drink.
You want to stay here and play the piano or you want to go with me?
I wanna stay here and play the piano.
I'll take you over there.
Come on.
Your beer is right here. I'll be back in no one.
Hey, sit down, man.
Do this.
Patti! Excuse me, honey. Why aren't you dancing, sweetheart?
Everybody's having such a good time. Come on.
I will find somebody to dance with you.
Here's George. Come on, George, dance with Betty.
She's the most popular... Come on, George.
Never mind. You can dance together, come on.
Good kids. Oh, that's fine.
I like when people having a good time.
Come, Sweety, I'll find somebody for you.
Joyce, Baby...
Arnie...
Joyce, Baby...
Arnie, Arnie! - What? Joyce...
Oh Joyce, Baby...
Arnie? - What?
Arnie, your Hands... - What's about my hands?
Watch your hands. - Why watch my hands?
Your hands down, Arnie! - Now look, Joyce!
I took you to a fancy restaurant, it was 6,50 on a diner.
We go to roller derby, we had a great time.
I came through, baby. How about you?
Arnie, that is just too bad. - He!
Joyce!
Damned!
No braw ever did that to Arnie Krevitz!
No way!
I've seen better legs at the health club.
Are you happy, Mindy? - Yes, but I can't help being a little nervous.
Don't worry about that, Detective Sgt. Wino has four cops outside.
What? - Detective Sgt. Wino has four cops outside.
Mindy-Darling, you have no need to worry with those four offices outside.
Mindy, stop worrying, everything's gonna be okay.
Really Mindy, stop fretting. Everything's gonna be okay.
Don't be worried, but there's a very large...
How do you feel, Mindy?
I feel a lot more like I do now, than I did when I got here.
Hey, would you like something to drink? - Yes, please.
Ivan, this thing is getting out of hand. Call out the national guard!
Mindy!
Detective Sgt. Wino, that thing has Mindy!
I know son, but there's nothing we can do now,
but wait till the National Guard gets here.
Come on, you guys. Get a move on!
Come on! Hustle! Hustle!
Are you Wino? - Detective Sgt. Wino.
Yeah, okay. Where are the kids? What are they doing?
Burn their draft cards?
Wearing that damn long hair?
That's what really grieve me, that long hair.
Say aren't you the barber from down on third street?
Yeah, that's right. You need a trim!
Yeah. I was thinking of cutting my sides.
Yeah, we can style them.
Why don't you come in and have a shampoo too?
Yeah well, 4 o'clock Monday, ya? - Monday's no good, what about Wednesday?
Hey guys, discuss the haircut later, that thing got Mindy!
Yeah, speaking of haircuts, you Punk!
Alright, let's cool it.
Cal, we don't even know where this thing is, much less how to find it.
Look!
Alright men, let him have it!
Stop, hold it! You can't shoot as long as that thing got Mindy!
Why not? - Well, give me some flares!
Got some flares? - Ivan, flares!
Alright men, drop your rifles!
What the hell this guys are doing?
Stand in position.
Ready?
Fire!
Alright men, reload.
Ready? Fire!
Reload!
Come on, reload! Reload!
Get his lights out!
It's over, Mindy. It's over. I'm sorry.
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
Well, looks like the guns got him.
No. It was beauty killed the beast.
What's wrong with you?