I REMEMBER
The puffballs!
"When the puffballs come, then winter's almost gone."
"When the puffballs soar, then winter is no more."
I've got the best one!
- Ciccio, let's go to the seashore. - Look at this one!
In our town, the puffballs arrive hand in hand with spring.
These are the sort of puffballs that drift around,
soaring over the cemetery, where all rest in peace,
soaring over the beachfront and over the Germans, newly arrived,
who don't feel the cold.
Drifting, drifting...
swirling...
swirling... swirling...
Drifting, drifting, drifting!
I'm the last of 14 children.
By then my father had had enough, so he called me "Definitivo."
If he'd had enough sooner, there'd have been one less chatterer.
- Good evening. - See you in the square.
I've come for my sister. Am I too early?
Your sister's here.
Fiorella, I'm all done. Come in.
I better calm you down, you horny beast. What a body!
Excuse me. The bonfire's bigger this year than last.
You going to the bonfire tonight? What are you playing?
A brand-new tune I wrote.
Listen to this.
Now, Dad, we'll watch them light the bonfire, then off to bed.
The doctor says you must go to bed early.
The doctor's an asshole. I'll go to bed when I want.
Then you'll end up in the hospital, and this time, I'll leave you there.
Blockheads! Numskulls!
Scram! That's my spot!
Creeps!
Let me through!
Listen to this one.
One father can take care of 100 kids,
but 100 kids can't take care of one father.
- That's the gospel truth. - I want to set off a firecracker.
Stay here!
Hey, Giudizio, catch!
I can, I command, I want! Long live Giudizio!
Volpina, have you made love today?
Come on. How many men did you service?
I bet you even dip a cock in your morning coffee.
Here she comes!
You're the greatest, Gradisca. Greta Garbo's got nothing on you!
Let's go over there.
Ronald Colman, we're over here!
Giudizio, take this chair too.
Burn this one too. Put it on top.
Set the old witch in it.
I'll stuff that chair down your throat! Take it back home!
The old witch!
The old witch is here!
Let me marry her before you burn her!
What are you looking at?
I wasn't looking, I swear.
Lay off!
Don't look. You'll get too excited.
Bring the firecrackers!
Light the bonfire and burn the old witch!
"Burn away, O witch so old. Burn the winter and the cold."
Here comes spring!
- I don't have a match. - But your beloved has, my dear.
Burn the old witch!
Long live Giudizio!
I can, I command, I want!
- Where's the ladder? - You want the ladder?
You want it? Take it!
- Take it! - Give me the ladder! I'm burning up!
In America, I saw bonfires 300 feet high.
- When were you ever in America? - My parents are American.
I'll break your neck!
You should hear what my father can do with his ass!
Hooray for spring!
- It gives me a funny feeling. - Yeah, me too.
But winter's dying and spring is on its way.
I can feel it all over me already!
Our respects, milord. Our respects, ma'am.
- Our respects to you, little countess. - Thank you.
Drink a little. It'll do you good.
Look, even your aunt's drinking.
Good old Lallo! No one would know you're 60.
Look at that. Your brother really is an asshole.
He's just a kid.
Now watch the Malaysian tiger leap!
Watch it!
As soon as we get home I'll let you have it!
- The heel came off. - Then he'll have to do without one!
Where's that other useless ass gone?
Ciccio, throw the big bang on the fire!
What are you up to? Off to bed with you!
I'll put you all in boarding school!
It's Scureza di Corpolò, "The Fart." Go to it, Scureza!
Bravo, Scureza!
The origins of this town are lost in the mists of time.
In the municipal museum, there are stone implements...
- All the best. - My respects.
...that date to prehistoric times.
I myself have found some graffiti of great antiquity
in caves on Count Lovignano's estate.
Be that as it may, the first date we know for certain is 268 BC,
when this became a Roman colony and the starting point of the Via Aemilia.
Mr. Lawyer!
That, too, is characteristic of the irreverent nature of these people,
who bear Roman and Celtic blood in their veins.
Theirs is an exuberant, generous, loyal and tenacious nature.
The divine Dante, Pascoli, D'Annunzio
and many others have lauded this land,
and innumerable are its sons who have contributed greatly
to art, science, religion and politics.
Who is that?
You think you're funny,
but you're too cowardly to show your face.
Show yourself.
Come out here and I'll teach you a thing or two.
- Mr. Lawyer. - Yeah, yeah.
Gentlemen!
What is all this?
- Shall we take our places? - If you insist, Headmaster.
But I never come out well in pictures.
You boys in the back, get up on the bench.
- What is it now, De Santis? - It wasn't me, sir!
Aldina.
Look, it looks like you.
What's going on?
Gigliozzi!
Take your seat.
Put it down her back.
Hold it like that, please.
Stay still, like that... Got it!
What is this?
A stone.
- Yes, but what is it? - I know.
- It's for a slingshot. - An elephant's testicle?
I'll tell you. It's a pendulum.
You've certainly all seen a grandfather clock.
And how does it go?
Where did Tiberius retire to upon giving up command of the empire?
Capri.
- When was Agrippina killed? - 69 AD.
Why did you give me a zero? Wasn't it 69?
It was 59 AD.
Are you sure?
What do you mean, am I sure? It was 59 AD!
Damn it! I knew it!
You'll drive me crazy! Get back to your seat!
Why couldn't it have been 69?
There will come a day
when a renewed Italy
will take to the field of battle on her own behalf
and not to defend her soil for others, with their weapons.
Being spirit, the Universal becomes incarnate in the state
and cannot but enter into the true nature of the church.
But this reconciliation between church and state came about through a deity
who brought order to members of church and state,
demanding iron discipline
and the right to intervene in every aspect of individual life.
He is God's chosen Son
because he has the same power as the Father.
Then there is the Holy Spirit,
to be placed on the same level as the Father and the Son. Is that clear?
That is why God is one and also a trinity.
Today we'll speak of the great Giotto.
Whose balls exploded like this!
Do you know, boys and girls,
why Giotto is so important in Italian painting?
I'll tell you: because he invented perspective.
Per-spec-tive!
Teacher, may I leave the room?
Bobo let out a real stinker!
What's that?
You're crazy.
It's not true. I never fart.
- You do too. - I do not.
Alboino...
signed the peace.
Gigliozzi, out!
This one isn't difficult. Solve it.
Why did you stop? You were doing fine.
What were you trying to do?
- Give me a clue. - Pass it here.
Just think a moment.
X9 plus the square root of K3.
It's obvious!
Move over. What have you done here?
We'll go through it together. What's this here?
What's this here, I said. You must know how to read.
- But I — - Keep quiet!
X9 plus the square root of K3...
There's your answer.
X1 equals 140.
X2 equals three-fifths of the total, less the difference.
- Is that clear? - Yes...
What have you done?
Are you crazy?
Janitor!
- Greek is so beautiful, isn't it? - You betcha.
It's so musical.
Emarpszamen. Repeat after me.
Quiet.
Quiet down, the rest of you. Try it again.
- Teacher, would you be so kind — - As to what?
Could I hear it again?
Certainly. Listen.
Careful with the tongue.
It has to go here, against the palate.
Then spit it out.
Quiet.
Try once more.
You see? Greek is so difficult.
What did you do with your tongue?
Don't stick it out so far. Between the teeth.
- Like this? - That's right.
Back to your seat, damn it!
I nearly had it that time.
Who's that?
It's Ciccio.
- Let me have that. - Just one drag, okay?
Is it true Aldina tore up yet another of your poems?
Yeah, but I wrote another one.
"What a kind, gentle maiden thou art, Aldina.
You set my heart beating like a steam hammer."
- It's so nice and warm outside. - I prefer Aldina's mother.
I wonder who's down on the beach this morning.
Fu Manchu!
Volpina!
Volpina, come here!
What are you doing here?
What do you want here?
I lost my pussycat.
Really?
There are no cats around here.
Go on home now.
It's hot, isn't it?
Aren't you all hot?
She's an odd one, eh?
Be a good girl and run on home.
There are no cats here.
Hey, boss!
Mortar wrote another poem.
When do you manage to write these poems?
Mortar, let the boss hear your poem.
Let's hear it.
What's it called?
- "Bricks." - Good title.
My grandfather made bricks
My father made bricks
I make bricks as well
But where's my house?
Very true. I get your point.
Quite right. But I, too, was once a poor man,
and I gradually worked my way up to master builder.
Things don't just fall in your lap.
You have to be patient. You have to work.
With hard work, you can do it. You have to work.
Aren't we working?
That's enough!
No drinking before the soup.
- Not before the soup. - Is that engraved somewhere?
Your stomach will swell up. I read it in the paper.
- Keep your hands to yourself! - There's a spoon missing.
- Is it hot, Lallino? - A little.
- Gimme a lot! - You'll get your share.
Would you like some more, Lallo? There's a little left.
- Has it got enough salt? - Yes, Grandpa.
- Gina, give Grandpa a little. - He's already eaten.
My father's father was known as "Big Meat."
He lived to be 107 and he was still doing it!
I can't take anymore.
So?
- So, when I was little... - You really liked it?
Wasn't there enough salt?
...he taught me to eat at 11:00 in the morning,
before the sun burns your head,
and at 4:00 in the afternoon.
Otherwise, food is like poison that gets into your blood.
Aren't you eating?
What did you do to your mother?
- Nothing. - Nothing, Dad.
It's nothing they did!
Damn it all!
I get up at 4:00 a.m. and slave away all day like a mule,
and when I come home for a crust of bread, I find a bunch of long faces!
Now you won't have to look at this one!
Ma'am, it's time to take the water off the stove.
It's so heavy.
- What's the matter? - Nothing!
- Then eat something! - I don't want anything!
- Why not? - Because I don't!
- Shut the door. It's cold. - Just a minute.
I'm still convalescing.
- Who can that be at this hour? - How would I know!
- Shall I go? - Yes.
You think my fanny's a good-luck charm?
Chicken always gets stuck in my teeth.
Okay if I take a little more, Dad?
Hands off!
- Just a wing. - I'll do the serving here.
Tell me, Miranda: Did you put mint in this?
What do you mean, mint? It's sage.
But you noticed something was different, didn't you?
- Lallino has a sensitive palate. - Very much so.
Gina! Who is it?
- Well? - It's Mr. Biondi.
- Right when I'm eating! - Isn't he the bishop's cousin?
Are you bottomless pits or what?
Anyone would think I never fed you!
- Uncle, watch. - If your dad sees you!
Uncle, do that trick for us.
Come on, just once.
Look, Titta!
Bravo!
- Isn't that hard, Uncle? - Well, you know...
Good wine, this Sangiovese.
By the way, where were you last night?
Me? At the movies. At the Cinema Fulgor.
And what was showing?
Uncle, the Americans were trying to enter Comanche territory.
They built a bridge for the railroad,
but the Indians shot arrows at them.
It was a massacre!
I'll massacre you, you little hooligan!
What's going on?
- I didn't do anything! - Aurelio, leave him alone!
- I'll put you in the hospital! - People are watching.
Starting tomorrow, no more school, no more allowance!
He can start working with me!
- And how will you pay me? - With a hammer in the face!
You have to tell me who fathered this piece of shit!
At his age, I'd already been working for three years!
Right, and you gave all your money to Grandma!
That's enough now! Come in and eat!
Hello.
Everyone in town laughs at us, even the roosters.
This is my house, and I'll do as I please!
Listen to His Royal Highness!
Give me your brother's plate.
Give me your brother's plate!
- Where are you going with that? - What did he do?
What did he do? I'll show you what he did!
What did he do?
- What did your brother do? Speak up! - I don't know!
This is Mr. Biondi's hat. He was at the movies last night.
Just smell it. Know who did that?
That delinquent son of yours.
He pissed over the balcony rail, right on Biondi's head.
It cost me three bills!
I'm sure it was those juvenile delinquents he hangs around with!
Enough!
Stop taking his side! He's getting worse and worse!
They're a pair of little hoodlums! You've brought them up wrong!
Then you do it. Let's see how well you do!
I can't stand any more! I'm going crazy!
I'm going mad!
I'll kill you all. I'll kill the whole lot of you!
I'll put strychnine in your soup!
That's what I'll do one of these days!
You wouldn't dare!
You bet I would.
One, two, three...
- But I'll kill myself first! - Good.
- Right now! - Go ahead.
You'll see! I'll kill myself first!
Uncle, look at Dad!
Why do these things happen to me? What have I done?
Goddamn it all!
- Did you hurt yourself? - What are you doing on the floor?
Evening, Headmaster.
- There's Gradisca! - Where?
Down there!
If you give the archbishop permission to sell holy images in the schools,
I'm sure there'll be no need to...
When are you showing The Vale of Love with Gary Cooper?
Next week, my dear.
Thank you.
When can your little prince come to bed with you?
You'll get my purse over your head!
Such behavior!
Get lost, Giudizio.
It was beautiful! I had a good cry.
Romanesque, 13th century, perfectly preserved.
Mullion windows. Excuse me. I'll continue later.
Lallo, read the telegram "White Feather" got from Stockholm.
"Come immediately. Cannot live without you. Inge."
Is she the bucktoothed one from last summer?
Are you going?
It'll be damned cold up there now!
If I shot them, they'd call me a murderer.
I'll throw them all in a pit of lime!
Get the hell out of here!
I couldn't leave Mama behind for those buck teeth.
Look at Madam's new girls.
Hey, look!
See the big one with the hood?
Here I am!
Me too!
It's my God-given right to...
A lovely man. A lot like Wallace Beery.
With that beard, he looked like a French duke.
That's some cargo!
Good night, King Vittorio. Good night, everybody.
This is the Victory Monument.
We used to visit it every day.
And I dreamed about it at night, too.
- I'm going, Mama. - Make a good confession.
If you've had anything to drink, you can't receive communion.
You can drink water. You just can't eat anything.
Not even water.
And tell him that you're a delinquent,
that you upset your mother and father, and that you answer back.
And that you curse everything, understand?
Everything!
Who's first?
- How long since your last confession? - Christmas.
- My God! Mass on days of obligation? - Except when I had the mumps.
- Do you honor your father and mother? - Yes.
No, not like that!
- White on one side, yellow on the other. - What's the difference?
- It's a question of aesthetics. - Fine.
Now then, do you honor your father and mother?
Yes, but they don't honor me. They beat me.
- You must annoy them. Do you tell lies? - I have to.
- Do you covet others' goods? - Yes...
The small flowers go in the small vases.
What did you say you covet?
My pal Bragger's got a raincoat with metal buckles
like the detective's in the William Powell-Myrna Loy films.
Do you commit impure acts? Do you touch yourself?
Do you know St. Louis weeps when you touch yourself?
Let him weep.
I'm not gonna tell you. You'll only tell Dad.
Don't tell me you don't touch yourself.
How can you not, when you see the woman in the tobacco shop,
as stacked as she is, and she says...
Export brand?
And the math teacher who looks just like a lion?
Mother of God!
How can you avoid touching yourself when she looks at you that way?
What do you think we come to see on St. Anthony's day,
when they bless the animals? The sheep's butts?
See how he's looking at me?
How can I tell him about Volpina
and the time I pumped up her bicycle tires?
I didn't know people kissed like that. Did you?
With their tongues going in and out?
I'll ask the questions here. Not you. Go on.
Then there's Gradisca.
Last summer, I saw her going into the movie theater.
It's not — you see —
I'm crazy about Gradisca.
I want a wife just like her.
She was alone.
There, right before my eyes.
I changed seats.
I changed seats again...
and again.
And finally...
Looking for something?
I sat there like an asshole.
I could have jumped in the harbor.
Father Balosa can't understand these things.
But since I had to say something,
I said I'd touched myself once, just a little,
but that I regretted it immediately.
He was happy with that.
He told me to say three Our Fathers, Hail Marys and Glorias, and that was it.
You're absolved. Three Our Fathers, Hail Marys and Glorias.
Do you touch yourself?
Just look at those rings under your eyes.
You obviously do.
Yes. Just once, in the garage
- Quit it! - What?
Always touching me.
- Jean Harlow! - Gradisca!
The tobacco lady's tits!
- The girl at the circus! - Which one?
With the fishnet stockings.
Aldina!
No, Aldina's mine! I'll smack your face!
Platoon, attention!
There he is!
Comrades!
Hail Il Duce!
We hail Il Duce with grateful hearts and the Fascist salute!
The greeting of Imperial Rome
that shows us...
the path of destiny that Fascist Italy must follow.
Let me touch him! I want to touch him!
Long live Il Duce!
Ninety-nine percent of the population are party members.
We have 1,200 Young Fascist boys and 3,000 Young Fascist girls.
Our Fascist hearts beat as one,
but the work on the maritime front needs attention.
This marvelous enthusiasm makes us young
and yet so old at the same time.
Young, because Fascism has rejuvenated our blood
with glowing ideals from ancient times.
All I can say is Mussolini's got two balls this big!
Today, April 21st, we celebrate the birth of Rome, the Eternal City.
What does that mean? That we must respect the monuments,
the ruins that Rome has left us,
which is what I've done all along, despite being razzed at night.
Do we not see, on this glorious, sun-filled day,
that the Italian sun, forever free,
is a divine sign that the heavens are on our side?
Miranda.
- Who locked the gate? - I did.
- Why? - You know why.
Unlock it.
You've heard what's been going on in the piazza all day.
- Open up. I have business to take care of. - Nothing doing.
You're staying at home. What's all this stuff?
If I wanted to be a widow, I'd kill you myself.
I'll strangle you with your neckerchief!
Think I'm scared of those black-shirted lice?
Give me the key.
Miranda! Damn it all!
Why is it that whenever there's a rally,
I have to stay home? This is the last straw!
One, two, three, four...
These youth are sturdy as rock.
Yes, sturdy as rock.
One, two...
Hail Il Duce!
Young Fascist Ciccio Marconi,
do you wish to marry Young Fascist Aldina Cordini?
And you, Young Fascist Aldina Cordini,
do you wish to marry Young Fascist Ciccio Marconi?
Bravo, Ciccio!
Comrades, they speak of "bread and work,"
but wouldn't "bread and wine" be better?
- Fernet. - Coffee.
Just a soft drink.
Three cheers for our comrade!
- Difficult shot. - Yes, Your Excellency.
- Difficult shot. - Indeed, Your Excellency.
I wouldn't like to go up against him.
- Who killed the lights? - Attilio, light a candle.
Light a candle!
There's a phonograph up above.
What are you saying?
Silence!
- That's the "Internationale"! - What's that?
The anthem of subversives.
Where's it coming from?
Where are you hiding, you scoundrel?
Incredible!
Show yourself, coward! Show yourself!
We await your orders, sir!
Everyone is to go home!
And close your windows!
Get inside, you!
Go home! Go!
What are you doing there? Go home!
Hey! He's up there!
Come home now!
Up in the bell tower!
To arms, to arms
We are Fascists
We fight the Communists
GOD — COUNTRY — FAMILY
You're free to go.
You can go home.
You see? We Fascists aren't all that bad.
We didn't harm a single hair on your head.
More like a cozy little kaffeeklatsch.
Good night, sonny boy.
Bring him here.
Take off your hat.
Sorry, it's a habit. Even at home.
Why don't you give the Roman salute?
I didn't know it was mandatory.
I know nothing about politics.
Sit down.
So you know nothing about politics.
Yet you've been heard to say,
"If Mussolini keeps on like this, I really don't know."
What did you mean by "I really don't know"?
I never said anything like that.
I generally only talk about my work.
Perhaps I said, "I really don't know how politics work."
Was it a threat?
Certainly not.
- Lack of faith in Fascism? - No. Why?
- Or perhaps subversive propaganda? - No, I'd have no reason.
And you know nothing about the phonograph either?
- Phonograph? - Don't get smart! Answer!
I was asleep. These guys woke me up.
I didn't even have time to put on my tie.
Your tie... or your anarchist's neckerchief?
What neckerchief?
Would you like to drink a toast to the triumph of Fascism?
Really, at this hour —
At this hour!
You fools! Trying our patience like this!
You must drink to a Fascist victory, my friend.
Don't make us crack your skulls open to convince you
that Fascism is for your protection and dignity!
To hell with you
- ignorant bunch of animals! - Drink.
- This is castor oil. - Drink it.
No. Why should I? What did I do?
What are you doing? Let me go!
What are you doing? Why —
Be a good boy, now. Open your mouth.
Open up. Don't make me angry.
Drink up. It'll do you good. Drink!
Just look at him, a man of his age.
He's a disgrace!
You vomiting on my shoes?
This is what saddens us.
This utter refusal to understand.
Why?
There must be something wrong with your head.
Have some more. It'll clear up those ideas of yours.
- You'll pay for this. - Send us the bill.
Good heavens, 2:00.
Aurelio!
What happened?
You won't listen to me.
You'll see.
Stand up.
Dry yourself off.
Don't catch cold.
Dad!
Go to bed!
God, he stinks!
If the person who squealed is who I think it was,
he'd better move to another continent
or I'll eat his guts out!
I'll have his balls for dinner!
Traitorous son of a bitch!
The Grand Hotel.
I call her "the Old Lady."
I come here every year to sip the nectar of love.
I offer tenderness and yearn for tenderness in return.
I'm the only one in town who visits the Grand Hotel.
They say Gradisca was here once,
and it was because of that highly improbable adventure
that she came to be called Gradisca.
Her real name is Ninola.
But one winter night three years ago...
Don't let us down, Ninola.
The prince is a handsome man.
If he looks satisfied, mention the work on the harbor.
One word from him is all it would take.
Be polite. Speak proper Italian.
He's a real prince, not just any old asshole.
Besides, it's a great opportunity for you, too.
The harbor.
Mr. Prince, sir...
gradisca! (Whatever you desire)
And that's how Ninola came to be called Gradisca.
Mind you, I don't attribute much truth to that story,
nor to the one that Biscein tells.
He's a born liar. He makes up a new one every day.
A couple of years back,
an emir arrived with his 30 concubines.
I saw him arrive.
Every night, the emir locked up tight all 30 rooms.
That much is true.
It's the rest of Biscein's story that leaks like a sieve.
The silly man claims that on that very night...
Beans, olives, toasted melon seeds!
I'm coming, girls!
Come on, Biscein.
Sweet Jesus, the pussy!
One, two, three, four...
He claims that, between the beautiful girls and the ugly ones,
he polished off 28 of them that night.
Uncle!
Are you Polish? Only Polish women have that fire in their eyes.
Uncle's a great dancer!
Commandant... ladies...
Then you must be Czech,
because only Czech women have that fire in their eyes.
I know Italian: bellissima, buona sera,
Michelangelo, fanculo,
o sole mio.
Good evening.
- Uncle! - Get out of here!
Jesus, the asshole waiter!
You see sea?
You take walk with me. Down there. Come.
Leopardi wrote poetry. Do you know Leopardi?
No, this is my first time here.
Dante Alighieri here.
Leopardi here,
or even here.
Oh, good!
How did it go?
How do you think?
I always find German women to be pushovers.
She's really fallen for me.
And to prove it, she even offered me posterior intimacy.
Uncle!
Uncle Teo was Dad's brother.
We took him out for a ride once a month in the summer.
Uncle! He's coming, Dad.
Here he comes.
- Hello, Uncle. - Come along.
How are things, Teo?
He's happy, Mama.
- He's looking well. - Yes, he is.
Watch your step.
- Here he is. - Hello, Uncle.
- How are you? - And how are you?
I'm fine. I go to school.
We're taking you to the farm for some passatelli.
What do you think of that?
Look, Dad's here too.
My boy! Give your dad a kiss.
- He's doing better. - He's okay.
He's grown, hasn't he? He's in the fifth grade.
Teo, how are you?
And that one got dead drunk the other night.
- Teo, how are things? - I'm much better.
- Mama, the pastries. - They're right here.
Uncle, Mama brought you some pastries.
We'll be back before evening.
- Here, have a smoke on me. - Thanks.
Sit here next to Dad.
Is Father Pazzaglia still alive?
He's been dead ten years now.
He's been gone quite some time.
- But he was alive last year. - That was Father Amedeo.
Is he dead too?
No, he's alive.
Exactly. That's what I was saying.
I saw him last year, walking along with a bunch of flowers.
I wonder where he was going.
Teo was a bright lad when he was eight.
No offense, Aurelio,
but Teo was much smarter than you in school.
I grant you that. That's quite true.
He still is, even now.
You like being with us, Teo?
Uncle, the sea's over there, like a blue streak.
Dad, can I drive the horse?
Come on, I'm just sitting here! Let me drive it!
That'd be the first time a mule ever drove a horse!
That road is shorter.
That's an awful road, full of potholes big enough to swallow up our carriage.
- Is something wrong? - His pocket.
Why do you carry those in your pocket?
These stones?
- Aren't they heavy? - Stones are beautiful.
Stop the carriage.
- What is it? - Teo needs to take a leak.
If he has to...
Watch your step getting down.
- You too? - What of it?
Don't be long, Grandpa. I'm hungry.
My father's father used to say,
"To be fit as a fiddle, you have to piddle.
To be fit as a frog, pee like a dog."
What a beautiful green, Teo!
- Nice mare. How old is she? - Three years and two months.
She's got just one bad habit: She can't stand train whistles.
Oh, yeah?
When I'm waiting my turn at the station, it's really a job to hold her!
- What'll you give her to eat today? - Some cappelletti.
You forgot to unbutton your fly.
Uncle pissed in his pants!
And they said he was okay!
You didn't undo your fly.
He forgot.
It's true.
The sea looks like a blue streak.
Uncle, you pissed in your pants!
Shut up!
He didn't open the barn doors.
No matter. You can change at the farm.
Come here, or I'll throw myself under the wheels!
Sit down, you little hoodlum!
Shall we move on?
Go, go!
Another fine meal.
You all go and see the spring.
My son Teo and I will stay here and have another glass of wine.
Fine, but just one.
Know what I'm gonna do?
Take a nap.
Good. It'll be nice here in the shade.
The egg's lovely, isn't it, Teo?
I'm like that too.
I can stare at an egg for hours,
wondering how nature can make things so perfect.
'Cause it was God who made nature, not an ignoramus like you!
Oh, lay off.
See you back here later.
Keep your eye on him, Dad.
Menghino, how far away is this spring?
Uncle, look. I'm hypnotizing it.
Oliva!
Oliva, there's a toad here that looks like Father Balosa.
- How is it? - Fantastic.
And it won't give you a hangover.
- We'll set this here. - Good thinking.
Get that away from there!
Naughty boy!
I know your name, you delinquent!
- Dad! - What?
Uncle Teo's up a tree!
- What's he shouting? - I didn't understand.
Uncle Teo's up a tree!
I want a woman!
Where am I going to find you a woman, my boy?
- Grandpa, what is it? - Your uncle's up there.
I want a woman!
He's up there!
Come down, Teo, or you'll hurt yourself.
What are you doing? Go get a ladder!
Is this how you keep an eye on him? How did he get up there?
Dad, I'll go up and get him.
I'm gonna pound you into the ground!
I want a woman!
How did he get up there? If he falls, he'll break his neck.
- Go inside and stop being dramatic! - Dramatic?
How did this happen?
We were having a drink, and suddenly —
Mr. Aurelio, he climbed up there like a cat.
Teo, what are you doing? Are you throwing stones at your old dad?
Get down here! That's enough, now!
Aurelio, don't you go crazy on me too!
- Teo, you've upset your brother. - Come down, now!
I want a woman!
Quite a normal urge, actually. He's 42 years old.
Yeah, but he's gonna fall.
When I was 42...
I'm telling you.
That's enough! Come down!
Come down, Teo!
Good shot, Uncle! Right in the head!
My head!
I'm coming up now. Don't throw anything at me.
We'll take some birds home —
- You want to kill us all? - I'm going up there.
Yes, sirree!
Throw one at me and you'll hear about it!
What a shot!
Bastard! I hope somebody kicks you in the nuts!
I want a woman!
Christ, what'll I do now? Jerk off?
I'm an asshole, a stupid asshole!
We're all going home.
Driver, hitch up the horse. We're going home.
Come on, everyone. We're going home.
- You just gonna leave him up there? - Yes! Hitch up the horse.
- Whatever you say. - Dad! Titta!
Get your mother. Where's your mother?
- You're leaving him there? - He's fine up there.
- Let's go! I want to go home. - But he's my son! Aurelio, listen.
I want a woman!
- Miranda! - Teo, we're going. Come down!
- But he's sick! - We're just pretending. Come on!
Aurelio, let me climb up. I'll talk to him.
I'll get him down.
Miranda!
Everyone in the carriage!
We're leaving right now. Get in.
Teo, you gonna stay up there?
We're going now. It's late.
It's getting dark. Who'll take you back?
You gonna stay up there?
All right, then. Bye!
Come down!
Teo, Holy Mother of God! Are you gonna come down?
We're leaving!
Go!
- Teo, come down! - Bye, Uncle!
- I want a woman! - He'll kill us all today.
Come on, everyone out! No questions!
What are you crying about?
You drive to the hospital and get the attendants.
Hurry, or I'll throw myself down the well!
What are you crying about? It's one big laugh riot!
I want a woman!
Listen to him, Miranda. The poor boy.
Feeling better?
I want a woman!
I can't take it anymore!
- Make him shut up! - Dad.
What do you want?
Shall I go and get Volpina?
Dad, look!
Mama, they're here.
- Evening, Doctor. - What's happened?
- He's up the tree. - Nice place.
- Is all this yours? - It's just an old farm.
He's been up there for five hours.
You can't see him now, because of the foliage.
- What did you do to him? - Nothing.
He's been shouting and throwing stones.
I hope he won't be like this his whole life, Doctor.
A dwarf nun! Mama!
It'll be bad for him and worse for us.
Don't worry. She'll take care of it.
Been getting some fresh air?
Is she going up?
Come down now! I'm not going to play these damn silly games!
Jesus, look at that! She got him right down!
She got him down, and he's all happy.
Here he is.
Up to your tricks again, were you?
What were you doing up there?
Counting how many stones fig trees grow this season.
Go on now. Take him home.
Some days he's normal, some days not. Just like the rest of us.
- Bye, Uncle. - Titta, take care.
You can see Gigino's place from up there.
I haven't seen him in so long.
Between 11:00 and midnight, in Caghetta's boat.
It's 30 stories high with 16 smokestacks.
Think what a pirate could do with a ship like that.
Where's Ronald Colman? I don't see him.
Hooray for Gradisca!
Hello, sister.
Your steamboat. Climb aboard.
Where are all these people going?
Where are they going with hearts pounding?
Today is a very important day for our country, for our fatherland.
Come on, we're off! Come on!
If you drop me, you'll pay.
- I'd like to tell you, but I can't. - Why not?
Because it's all still up in the air.
Where are all these people going?
Stop busting their balls.
How far out will it be?
Four miles. But thanks to Galileo, it will seem like 400 feet to us.
Marvelous!
It'll seem like it's coming straight at us.
Mr. Lawyer, how much will it weigh?
About two and a half times the weight of the Grand Hotel.
Plus the Arch of Augustus.
Go thou, Queen of the Sea
"Thou passeth, and thy destiny
I shall follow in the waves,
watching your glistening wake."
Move closer to your mother. Ma'am, move nearer to your son.
Holy shit! That water's really freezing!
My nuts have shriveled to the size of two dried beans.
- You swam all the way from the shore? - Where else?
Freestyle.
I want to dance with you
Like this all night
The third day, I went out in my little boat and whistled as usual.
Up jumps the dolphin near the edge of the boat.
He looks at me and says, "Mama."
What a load of bull!
No, dolphins are intelligent. My dentist told me so.
Look how many there are.
Millions and millions and millions of stars.
Jesus Christ!
I wonder how they all stay in place up there.
I mean, it's pretty simple for us.
To build a house, we use so many bricks, so much lime.
But up there, sweet Jesus! Where do you put the foundations?
They're not made of confetti, you know.
Miranda.
Are you asleep? Answer me.
- Are you cold? Want my jacket? - What do you want?
- Come on, take my jacket. - No, I don't want it.
Put it around your shoulders or you'll start complaining of a chill.
- I know you. - Have we got much longer to wait?
How would I know? They said around midnight.
But it's coming all the way from America!
Go fuck yourselves, all of you!
Some friend, eh?
That's his way of being nice.
I was full of hope every time,
but it never came to anything.
And now...
- Know how old I am? - Fifty-two?
I'm not ashamed to tell the truth.
In fact, I always add on a few years. I'm 30.
- Hard to believe, my darling. - I haven't given up hope.
I thought 27 or 28.
I want one of those encounters that last a lifetime.
I want a family, children,
a husband to chat with in the evening over coffee, maybe,
and to make love with now and then, because when you must, you must.
But affection is even more important than love.
And I'm so full of affection.
But who can I give it to? Who will take it?
Why are you crying?
The silly girl's crying.
Because she's a delicate and sensitive girl.
Don't cry. I'm here.
- She's right. Men are all the same. - Don't cry, my darling.
There it is!
Dad!
The Rex!
Hooray for the Rex! The greatest thing the regime ever built!
As the representative of the Podestà, I wish you a safe journey!
Long live Italy!
What's it like?
Gina!
Just look at this.
Can't see a darned thing.
I'll keep to the wall.
The last fog like this was in '22.
Careful now! Stop! There's a man here!
Well, damn it all!
Gina!
Where am I?
I don't seem to be anywhere.
If death is like this,
I don't think much of it.
Everything's gone:
people, trees, birds, wine.
Well, up yours!
Dino!
I can't even find my house. Where am I?
What do you mean? You're standing right in front of it.
- Where are you going in this fog? - To school. Bye, Grandpa.
Just think of that.
I was in Norway.
Two women.
Beautiful, huge Norwegians!
Beans, olives, toasted melon seeds...
It's open. You can get in.
Last one in is a queer!
Naso, get an eyeful of this.
Look at that!
It's gorgeous!
Where are you, my love?
- It was number 18. - Campari!
Aldina, wanna know who it was?
We know. It was Campari.
I met him at the race in Monza.
Aldina!
- Lallo, where are you going? - Be careful!
- What is it? - An ear.
Look, an ear!
May I come in?
- I'm closed. - May I come in, miss? Good evening.
- What do you want? - A cigarette.
- May I help you? - You couldn't manage.
What do you mean?
I can lift 175 pounds. I can even lift my father.
Don't make me laugh.
- Why? What do you weigh? - I don't know.
- I could lift you too. - Oh, yeah?
Let's see.
I really can, you know.
Let's see.
Silly boy, put me down!
- I did it! - You're very strong.
See? I can do it again.
- I don't believe you. - Watch.
That's enough now.
Put me down.
- You drive me — - I said that's enough.
What are you doing? You'll drop me, you crazy boy!
You're crazy, you know that?
What's happened to me? Oh, my head...
See how many times I did it?
Yes, my little darling.
Come here. You really are sweet.
Drive me crazy... just a little.
- What should I do? - Suck.
Come on.
You can have this one, too.
Don't blow! Suck!
Is this right?
You have to suck, you idiot!
- What are you doing? - I can't breathe!
Forget about it.
Go on now. I have to close up.
What was it you wanted? A cigarette?
It's on me. Now scram.
- I can't lift it. - Out of the way.
Go on. Get out.
Good night.
Drink it. It'll do you good.
- It's hot! - It's supposed to be.
There's a fly in here.
- Where? - There...
It was there.
The only house with flies in the winter.
How did it happen with you and Dad?
How did what happen?
How'd you meet, fall in love, get married?
What's all this about?
And who remembers anyway?
Your dad's not a great one for compliments.
He was a laborer at Saludecio.
My folks had a bit of money and didn't think much of him.
So... well...
we eloped without a word to anyone.
When did he give you the first kiss?
What kind of question is that?
I don't even know if there was one.
The first time we met, he raised his hat, and that was all.
It was the most one could do in those days.
It's not like now, when all kinds of things go on.
But I never manage to do anything, Mama!
Keep those covers on. You're all sweaty.
What do you mean "manage"? You're still in short pants.
Get me some long ones then, like the other kids!
What others?
Gina!
She told me I wasn't to send any more love letters.
- Ma'am? - Take the bike and get the doctor.
Yes, ma'am.
Get him to examine you too. You scared me the other day.
Run along.
But I'll send letters whenever I like.
Africa.
- I'll become a doctor and go to Africa. - Yes.
- That'll teach her. - Yes.
It's snowing outside!
It's true! It's snowing!
Professor Fighetta, up yours!
If it goes on like this, there'll be no school for days.
Look, the mountains are all white!
Let's go and see the snow on the water.
Too moist. It'll never stick.
Go away. Get the hell out of here.
Stay where you are.
The sparrows!
- Wait, I'm coming with you. - Hurry up.
Titta, look how it's coming down!
Let's open the window.
It's beautiful!
Me too!
Still snowing.
Four days this goddamn stuff's been around!
This will go down as the Year of the Big Snow.
With the exception of the Ice Age,
it's never snowed this heavily in our town.
That must've been some young boy, not the usual guy.
As I was saying, the exceptional years were
1541, 1694,
1728 and 1888,
when, against all odds, it snowed on July 13th.
You'll make us all deaf, idiot!
Where is she?
How's your mother?
Better now.
She's still in the hospital, but she's off the critical list.
That's good — the poor woman. Give her my regards.
Your mother's a kind lady.
She always gave me soup and wine.
A kind lady.
How are you feeling?
- I brought you carnations. - Thank you. How are you?
Hello, Aurelio.
They're lovely.
I was just looking out the window. Now I'll go back to bed.
But I'm feeling better today.
What lovely colors.
- Aren't you hot with this on? - Thank you.
- I'll put it here. - Have you eaten?
- We've eaten. - Yes.
Are you still getting on your father's nerves?
He pounds me over the head!
He'll beat all the sense out of me!
They have a nice garden here. I didn't know.
It looks as though it's in bloom, with the snow.
Mama, it's still snowing.
In one sense, you're lucky to be here,
all warm in bed, with this weather.
The poor man's tired when he gets home.
Don't talk back to him. You're a grown-up now.
Don't throw ice! It hurts!
"Wind and rain, go home again. I don't want to feel the pain."
Idiot! No!
A difficult shot, Your Excellency!
Gradisca!
No! Not at Gradisca!
Enough! I surrender!
Break my windows and I'll crack your skulls open!
Who's that?
- What's that? - I don't know.
Look, it's the count's peacock!
There it is.
It's coming down.
Shall we catch it, boys?
Holy shit!
I don't understand. What's happened?
I'll tell you in the car, Uncle.
Why in the car? Where are we going?
Close by. To Aunt Zaira's farm.
A relative's come from America and wants to say hello to you.
Then why doesn't he come here?
Who is this relative?
Auntie died.
Be strong.
Titta, no!
Don't take it like that. Open up, Titta.
- Open up. - No, I won't!
- Lallo! - He fainted!
Uncle's not feeling good.
Then take him to the whorehouse.
Make the sign of the cross, Dad.
- How do you feel now? - Better.
Don't take it so hard. Be strong.
Everybody in line now. Where are the orphans?
Stop that!
Hooray for the bride and groom!
Give me your arm, Naso.
Make way, make way! My breasts are full of milk!
"'Bride and groom' or 'newlyweds,' whatever they may call ya,
here's hoping you find wedded bliss in far-off Battipaglia."
When you're drunk, you can even rhyme!
Gradisca's getting married and going away
Sorry if we got on your nerves. We hate to see you go.
We're really going to miss you!
"Silence is golden, but words are like jewels.
May this married couple live happy as fools!"
- Where's the bride? - Straight ahead.
Our Gradisca is leaving us. She found her Gary Cooper.
Though Gary Cooper's a cowboy, while Matteo is a carabiniere.
But love is love all the same. Good luck, Gradisca.
Long live the bride and groom!
You have fulfilled your dream of love.
Now it's your happy duty to have many children
for your family, for the church and for your country!
"Gathered here at the drinking trough, here's one more toast to send them off!"
A picture! We're gonna take pictures now.
Give me your mirror.
Everybody get behind the bride!
She's lovely, our Ninola!
- Why are you crying? - I'm not crying anymore.
Get closer together.
The carabiniere should move back a little.
Stand in the light.
- Hold it. - Hey, it's raining.
Smile...
There! One more.
Gangway!
Stop falling all over us, you drunkard!
Let's move into the sun. Everyone up.
Everybody follow me.
Over here with the bride in the center and the carabiniere...
I've made up another rhyme, and it goes like this:
"Though the world may be full of things beautiful and dear,
of towns even nicer and prettier than here —"
A little water will do you good. You'll have a bath for once.
Get up.
It stopped.
Sit down and play!
A wet bride is a lucky bride.
Long live Italy!
How will you live so far from here?
Goodbye to you all. Go home.
Biscein bids you goodbye.
Naso, I'm going home!
Wait for me! I'm coming with you!
Wait! My bouquet!
Goodbye! I love you all!
Gradisca's taking off!
She's leaving.
- Goodbye! - Goodbye, Gradisca!
The puffballs!
Titta!
Where's Titta?
Shall we go fishing in the harbor?
Titta left a while ago.