RUSTY: Dear sexy Draguta, I'll be heading your way soon.
I still can't believe I convinced my friends to do a semester in Romania
so we can finally be together.
Oh, man, I cannot wait to hook up
and do all those nasty, dirty things that we IM'd about.
My friends think that you're gonna turn out to be really fat and ugly,
but they're just jealous.
Anyway, you'll be meeting them pretty soon,
so maybe I should tell you a little about them.
First, we've got Pete and Wang.
They're way into avoiding stress.
Right now they're figuring out how to get a semester supply
of stress reduction out of the country.
You ready?
I think so.
Oh, boy.
Goddamn! Holy shit, that hurts!
(EXHALING)
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
(WHIMPERING)
It's in. Okay.
(GROANS)
You ready?
It's just like pooping in reverse.
RUSTY: Pete's girlfriend's coming.
Her name's Lia. She's a goody-goody.
She has a twin sister, Danni.
She likes to party.
Danni, wake up. Danni, wake...
(THUDDING)
RUSTY: Then there's Newmar and Lynne.
She's really into role-playing.
He's worried that she's a little out of his league in the sex department.
Newmar, you just take a homerun.
(WHISPERING) Hey, you're supposed to come over here.
Oh! Okay.
(WHISPERING) Throw down the ball.
(GRUNTS)
Whoa!
Now, kiss me. Oh, yeah.
Lynne! Lynne, are you okay?
I'm okay, baby. Come here!
I'm gonna give it to you.
Yes, you are.
And you know that problem I had?
I'm pretty sure it won't happen again.
That's great, baby.
I'm gonna give you the best you ever had.
Uh-oh!
RUSTY: Then there's Brady. He's a total geek.
Hey, what up, man?
Hey, my book finally arrived.
This puppy's got the entire history of Razvan University in it.
Do you know our school's gonna be in a castle?
RUSTY: His roommate Mike's a little confused.
(EXCLAIMS) Look at the legs on that chick.
I'd like to have her riding me for a while, if you get what I'm saying.
That's a guy, Mike.
What? No, it's...
No.
RUSTY: Then there's Cliff.
He was supposed to come with us, but I don't know what happened to him.
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
Hey, I got it, all right?
What, do you think I'm gonna rip you off?
(SQUEAKING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Looks like we got a deal.
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
I just wanna check the quality.
AII right.
This is my top earner, okay? Take care of her.
Okay?
(SQUEAKING)
(BURSTING)
(AIR HISSING)
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
Well, that's everybody. Bye until we meet in Romania.
(SIGHS)
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Holy shit! Rusty?
Draguta, you got your camera to work. I can see you.
I can see you, too, Rusty.
You look just like your picture.
You look even better than yours.
I've been working out.
Mmm, you are turning me on.
Oh, yeah? What do you think about this?
Show me more.
AII right.
(DRAGUTA EXCLAIMS)
(GROWLS)
I just got it waxed. I hope you like it.
I would like to sink my teeth into them buttocks.
Well, that's not all that's waxed, baby. How's that for a haircut?
You are torturing me.
Yeah? What do you think about this?
It's all for you. It's all for you, Scandinavian...
...this is the room that we have to...
How I want that U.S. penis.
(DRAGUTA GROWLS)
(SCREAMS)
¶ It was a dusty old night
¶ And I'm the first to admit it
Sweet! Sweet!
¶ A tiny voice telling me
¶ I really should cool it
¶ Chewing my face off
¶ Talking absolute rubbish
¶ The first line hit me like a kick in the face
¶ Thought I better have another one just in case
¶ Next thing I knew my heart was under attack
¶ I bought a one way ticket to hell
¶ And back
¶ One way ticket to hell and back
¶ Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
¶ One way ticket to hell and back
¶ Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
¶ One way ticket to hell and back
¶ Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
¶ One way ticket to hell and back
¶ Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
¶ One way ticket to hell and back
¶ Bought a one way ticket to hell and back ¶
So, Chapter 2. "The castle became infested with vampires."
Whoa, did you say vampires?
I thought you were reading a history of the university.
I am. "Vampires" is what it says.
Actually, this book was written by one of the school's professors,
Teodora Van Sloan.
Why would they have a school in a creepy old castle anyway?
AII right. If I could continue reading this...
(CLEARING THROAT)
"In the Dark Ages, all feared the vampires of Castle Razvan.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
"The leader of the bloodthirsty creatures
"was the ruthless vampire king known as Radu."
No way.
Hey, Rusty, that guy looks just like you.
What? I hate to tell you, but I'm a lot better looking than this snowflake.
No, you really do look just like him.
I didn't know that real vampires were so fat and ugly.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)
Yeah? Well, do fat and ugly guys have girlfriends that look like this?
Wow! She's your girlfriend?
Yeah, yeah. Let me see.
She can't get enough of me. We have sex at least twice a day.
How did you meet her, you smelly bastard?
On the Internet. She lives right by the castle.
Wait a minute. How have you had sex if you haven't met her yet?
Hey, what's that all over the screen? Do you see that?
(MIMICS SQUIRTING)
TWINS: Ew!
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
AII right, guys. Let me finish the story.
"Radu's great love was a human named Stephania, a sorceress as evil as he.
"Together, they terrorized the countryside,
"feasting on the blood of the innocent.
"While Radu's love for the sorceress brought him strength,
"it was also his greatest weakness,
"a weakness that Victor Van Sloan, the famed vampire hunter,
"sought to exploit."
Excellent. The sun shall rise in exactly two hours.
Now, my boy, it is time to execute my genius plan.
This plan is stupid.
You can't kill all those vampires by yourself.
Of course not.
I will be captured, and they shall find me with this.
Now, remember, you must place the cart exactly where I specify.
"X" marks...
"X" marks the spot.
I know.
Exactly where I specify because it is of the utmost...
I know. "X" marks the spot.
(SCREECHING)
What is this?
Do not touch that, you witch.
It is too precious for your filthy eyes.
(ROARS)
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
BRADY: "In Stephania's arrogance,
"she walked right into Van Sloan's trap,
"for the music box was enchanted.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
"Her soul left her body and was imprisoned inside the box."
RADU: Van Sloan!
(VAN SLOAN LAUGHING)
I am the greatest vampire slayer of them all!
(THUDS)
(NEIGHS)
Oh, shit.
(WHIMPERING)
BRADY: "As the music box disappeared,
"Radu placed Stephania's body in his secret crypt,
"vowing one day to bring her back to life.
(RADU CRYING)
"Radu left Castle Razvan on a quest to recover his true love's soul.
"The hunt for the music box continues to this day."
Dude, that's it? What happened to the vampire?
Wouldn't he still be alive?
Yes, Pete, 'cause vampires are real. And you know what?
I bet Van Sloan's ancestors are still searching for that music box.
So, sort of like a story with no ending.
(GROANS)
I should have brought my machine gun.
(SCREAMS)
RADU: Reneau, bring me the music box. Now!
(SPEAKING ROMANIAN)
Jewelry, charms, scarves.
(SPEAKING ROMANIAN)
Ohhh! Handsome.
(SPEAKING ROMANIAN)
You have stars in your eyes.
You are in love?
Yeah, actually, I am.
Maybe locket for your special girl?
How much for this music box?
Where is it? I lost it. Where is it?
Where is my...
(GRUNTS)
Hmm. Must have been a big Romanian bug or something.
Hey, Pete. Look what I got.
Oh, Mr. Wang, my good, good man.
A shampoo bottle. Party.
So, who wants to get high?
I do. This guy. Please, thank you.
Are you guys smuggling drugs?
(SHUSHING)
Do you guys even know what the drug laws are in this country?
Baby, baby, no one's gonna get caught as long as everyone stays cool.
You guys in? Oh, I'm in.
You know I don't do drugs.
Will you stop acting like such a goody-goody?
I've seen where you have a tattoo.
Lia, can you just live for once?
Okay, and why don't I tell Mom you're trying to get me addicted to drugs?
It's pot. You can't get addicted, you retard.
Hey, I found something super crazy in the baggage car.
Ladies, you know where to find us.
Peace out.
Lia! Hello.
Hey, Brady.
Can you believe we're here in Romania?
I mean, I've heard it's beautiful and all, but...
You're shutting... Sorry, I got in your way.
Check these out, dude. I wonder if the people inside are all naked.
Awesome.
No, no, no, don't open that.
Mmm. Look at them titties.
Wow! That is one fine-ass dead girl. Let's smoke.
Hey, gorgeous.
So, I was thinking about the many different ways
that a guy can make a girl happy when I happened upon this.
I bought you a present.
Oh, Newmar, it's beautiful.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I love it.
(MAN CHATTERING ON PA)
I don't see a college.
Well, I'II just ask one of the friendly locals about it, huh?
Excuse me, sir? Yeah. Can I get some directions from you?
Where you need to go?
We need to go to the University Razvan.
(ALL CLAMORING)
What did I say?
(HORN HONKING)
(LAUGHING)
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
So, excuse me, Mr. Horse-driver-person.
Why are the townsfolk so afraid of Razvan University?
(HORSE FARTING)
For the last several years,
girls have been disappearing in the area around Razvan.
(HORSE FARTING)
MIKE: Oh!
Wait, what happened to them?
Some say a hideous monster roams the castle grounds at night,
always searching for the next victim.
That's such bullshit.
Believe it or not.
But I would stay inside the Castle Razvan at night, if I were you.
(HORSE FARTING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is it my imagination,
or is it that every time somebody says "Razvan"...
(HORSE FARTING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
I knew it! Every time you say "Razvan."
(HORSE FARTING)
Razvan!
Rusty, I'm about to puke. Stop.
Hey, wait. Guys, where's Pete and Wang?
Munchies eliminated.
Where'd everybody go?
We should have asked what these were.
A local delicacy.
Sheep testicle stuffed goat balls.
Two kinds of balls, huh?
Dude, that bike is awesome.
Ever since the fall of Soviet Union,
there is one thing all Romanians have dreamed of owning.
How much for those American blue jeans?
¶ Bad to the bone
¶ Bad, bad ¶
Hey, guys!
(EXCLAIMING)
(CHILDISH MUSIC PLAYING)
Dean Floca. You must listen to me.
Teodora. You must shut down the school.
Close the school?
May I presume this has something to do with vampires?
I have reason to believe that Count Radu...
Radu, Radu, Radu!
He is coming back. I am sure of it.
Professor Van Sloan, I have been most understanding
because of your family's long history with this castle.
But my patience wears very thin.
You are making a big mistake.
It looks a little different in the brochure.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Hey, nice toss, dude.
As you can see, we are busily setting up
for our annual back-to-school dance,
which is the night after tomorrow.
And, yes, it is a masquerade ball.
Follow me.
I didn't know about that. I don't have anything to wear.
If you wear nothing, I don't think anyone will complain.
Hi, I'm Marin. Lynne.
Newmar, are you listening to this crap?
What? She's just talking to another guy.
I don't have to worry about that.
I didn't know America had such beautiful women.
Eurotrash.
(WOLF HOWLING)
(STEAM HISSING)
(GRUNTS)
Hello? Hello, is someone here?
(SCREECHING)
(GASPS)
Where is that fool Reneau with my music box?
Humans.
I have waited 500 years for this.
And I will not wait another century for the Devil's Moon to rise again.
NIOBE: Are we there yet?
RADU: No.
Are we close?
Yes.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Shut up!
(BELLS TOLLING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Welcome to Combat and Self-Defense.
(GASPS)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Does anyone have any experience wielding a blade?
Ooh!
Yes.
Oh, I was co-captain of my high school fencing team.
Let's see what you know.
Okay.
Over there.
Good.
Remember, class, the best defense is surprise
and total domination of your adversary.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Once you have your opponent on the ground, you retrieve your stake
and you jam it into their heart!
Now, getting through the rib cage can be difficult,
so you’ll need the aid of a mallet!
And of course, as a final measure of safety, decapitation.
Questions?
Are we learning to fight vampires?
(SCOFFS) Don't be silly.
Next, we'll be learning what to do if your attacker
comes at you from a coffin.
You retrieve your holy crucifix!
¶ I see a bad moon rising
¶ I see trouble on the way
¶ I see earthquakes and lightning
¶ I see bad times today
Castle Razvan.
¶ There's a bad moon on the rise ¶
(SCREECHING)
Stephania, my love.
I have finally returned.
We must obtain fresh blood for the ceremony.
I sense the box is within these castle walls.
So, what do you think of this for the ball?
Only freshman losers go to the ball.
Oh, yeah? Well, where do the cool kids like us go?
The vampire party.
Vampire party?
We all dress up like vampires, drink, play games.
You should both come. Here.
Just don't invite any losers.
Hey, what's going on? What are you guys talking about?
Nothing.
I got three pair.
I got two. Sweet.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Yo.
Hey.
Hey, buddy. Can I come in?
Yeah.
Nice boots. Thanks, man.
Getting ready for the big date, huh?
Oh, yeah.
About an hour from now, I will be having sex with an actual live person.
Cool.
Hey, Rusty.
You know that guy that Lynne was talking to on the tour...
You know, I don't have anything to worry about.
I mean, she's not gonna cheat on me, is she?
Not unless you're lame in the sack. Are you?
How'd you hear about that?
Dude, the whole world knows.
Well, what should I do?
You just have to be so great in the sack
that she forgets that any other guy ever pumped her.
You know? I mean, sometimes chicks,
they don't always like this all the time, you know?
Sometimes they like a little bit of that, you know what I mean?
Here, look.
Got something for you. The Codex Eroticon.
A classic. Written like 1,000 years ago.
Makes the Kama Sutra look like Martha Stewart's prison notes.
Ooh! You know what else I got?
These erotic comic books that I've been working on in conjunction with my memoirs.
(SIGHS)
"Uncensored and raw"?
What?
You know what? The book will do you.
I don't know about this.
Take the Codex Eroticon. Please.
There's a legend that surrounds this hallowed tome, Newmar.
They say that the moves contained within are so powerful
that you can literally blow a chick's mind,
turning her into some kind of raging nympho.
Is that true?
Well, that's what Tony told me at the Twat-A-Rama,
and he would never lie to me.
Thanks.
What are best friends for?
So, the guys are meeting us both in the courtyard?
Yeah. How far away is town?
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
(GRUNTING)
So, you and Pete, you're not, like, super serious or anything.
You're probably gonna break up with him, right?
No. Why would you say that?
Because you guys are just so different.
I mean, you said it yourself, you don't have much in common.
We've only been dating a month.
And I really do think I can get him to stop partying.
Plus, he's so cute.
You're right. He is cute.
Yeah. He's cute.
(WHOOPING)
Ladies! Who's ready to go into town and spend some jeans?
I have a whole list of fun things to do.
There's an art gallery and a ballet performance.
The ballet?
Wang, here's an idea.
Let's go into town and get deeply wasted.
I don't wanna get deeply wasted. I wanna take in some culture.
(SIGHS)
Class? Who'd like to go into town and get deeply wasted?
I do.
You love art, Danni.
Lia, let loose. Come on.
Come on.
No, I don't wanna go get wasted.
You know what, you guys go and have your "fun."
I won't wait up. AII right.
Lia, come on. Lia.
Hop on. Come on, Danni.
Live to ride!
(WHOOPS)
Let's do this.
(WHOOPS)
(WANG LAUGHING)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS) It's denim time!
Chipmunk, I got something.
Another present for me?
No, a present for us.
Ooh!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
The music box.
(GASPS)
(EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
You have no idea how close you have come to pure evil!
Where did you get that music box?
From my mother.
Her mother gave it to her on her wedding day.
And my mother gave it to me just before she slipped into a coma.
I'm sorry about that.
Tell no one.
(NEWMAR AND LYNNE SCREAMING)
NEWMAR: AII right.
(NEWMAR SIGHING)
This is like reading IKEA instructions.
So, your leg goes here.
LYNNE: Like this? Yeah, yeah.
And my arm goes here.
Whose hand is this?
Oh! Not like that!
(BOTH MOANING)
Newmar.
(LYNNE SCREAMING)
(NEWMAR LAUGHING)
Hello, cutie. Hi.
I'm Niobe, and these are my friends, Mira and Asha.
Hello. Hello.
Come up to our room. We are having a party.
You ladies sound very friendly.
Yes.
Come.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MARIN SCREAMING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
RUSTY: Why, yes, Draguta, I... Draguta.
Draguta. Like pizza.
Yes, I will help you remove that dress right now.
Oh!
Yeah, there's that big tree.
Why, yes. I will have sex with you in person now.
Pair of jeans!
Have a good time, kids.
(LAUGHING)
¶ Tits, you know I want it
¶ Girl, won't you let me touch it
¶ Tits, put 'em in my face
¶ Move them to the bass ¶
Fucking house.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Yes?
Dean Floca? Oh, man.
I think I got the wrong house.
I'm looking for this chick named Draguta.
You must be Rusky, her computer boyfriend. Draguta is my daughter.
Come right in.
AII right.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
Draguta, your boyfriend's here.
Rusty?
Rusty, finally we meet in the flesh.
Young love, it is a beautiful thing.
Father, I am so happy. He's perfect.
Rugby, come with me. Just a little chat between us men.
See you in a bit, smoochiekins.
I like to collect torture tchotchkes.
And I keep them all in proper working order.
Ahhh!
The iron maiden.
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Say, why don't you step into here?
Because it's full of spikes?
You've come back.
(CHUCKLES) Oh!
I suppose by now you've learned an important lesson
about not standing up my daughter?
Yes.
Oh!
This is Draguta's new boyfriend, Rusby.
Thank you!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Ta-da.
I'm almost done with the alterations.
What do you think?
I think it looks great.
Don't I look sexy and evil?
(GROWLS)
Ow!
Hmm?
Ooh, I pricked my finger on a pin.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(IN STEPHANIA'S VOICE) What happened?
Stephania. She has returned.
(GRUNTING)
(IN STEPHANIA'S VOICE) This is not my body.
What's that, baby?
I was trapped in this.
You! You set me free!
Well, you set me free, too.
What, are we doing funny accents now, matey?
Come on. Let's go back to bed, huh?
What? A woman as magnificent as I would deign to touch you?
Well, we did just...
I mean, I am your boyfriend.
Foolish boy. This body may have been yours once, but no longer.
What's gotten into you?
The book. The legends were true.
Finally I am free. Free to do such dark, wonderful things!
What?
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I feel weird. What just happened?
You...
Nothing.
Everything's just fine. Yeah.
(GROWLS)
Say, why don't we go meet your friends?
They sound like fun.
Yeah, right.
Have one of those d-bags try to steal you away from me?
I'm not that stupid.
Look at the time. I gotta go study.
I've got class early tomorrow.
(LAUGHING)
He's a keeper, this one. Don't let him get away.
Don't you worry about that.
Okay, that's nice. I'II see you later.
RUSTY: Stupid. I feel so fucking...
Full body photo. Send a full body photo.
What kind of a fucking moron doesn't ask for a full body photo?
(GRUNTS)
Oh, hey, there's that Marin guy.
(VAMPIRES LAUGHING)
Those chicks look normal. No humps.
Three at a time, he gets them, huh? In a sweater like that? Hey, Marin! Hey!
Where'd they go?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm the worst sister ever.
You are the best sister ever.
I'm not just drunk, so you know.
No, me either. I am not just drunk.
We've gotta tell Lia. We can't do this behind her back.
Okay, we're gonna tell her.
She might be mad at first, but she's gonna be fine.
That's hot.
Dude.
That guy says for two pairs of jeans, he'll take us hunting.
Hunting?
Well, I'm kind of tired.
I don't wanna...
Apparently, this kind of hunting is illegal in Romania.
Well, "illegal" is one of my favorite words.
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHING)
MAN: You're okay? PETE: Yeah.
Okay, let's do it.
(MAN SPEAKING ROMANIAN)
(GROWLING)
Dude, I'm pumped.
I bet we're gonna hunt an endangered species.
Dude, I hope it's a panda. They think they're so fucking cute.
Wait, pandas don't climb trees, right?
I don't know, baby.
Get ready, Americans.
WANG: Yeah.
PETE: Yeah.
Holy shit, dude, this is crazy. Holy shit.
(MEN SHOUTING)
Here it comes!
Cliff?
Hey, Pete.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
What's wrong? You don't want to hunt no more?
Well... That's a person.
Yeah. Most dangerous game.
We went to high school together.
How the hell did you get here?
Got busted selling counterfeit jeans.
No refunds.
Do you want to hunt him or not?
Maybe we could chase him around for a while.
How about we just, you know, take him with us?
'Cause we've already paid for him, right?
I don't know. Risky for me.
Okay.
Another pair of jeans. Jeans.
CLIFF: Hey, can I borrow some of those jeans off you?
PETE: No, dude. I just spent some serious denim to save your ass,
so, no, you can't mooch off me.
Man, I don't need your charity.
I'II shack up with some girl. I got the perfect lie.
You still telling them you're an international freedom fighter?
No, man. This is Romania.
I tell them I'm a vampire slayer.
Sure, that works.
Yo, Marin, dude. I saw you with those hot chicks last night.
How'd that go?
I don't really remember.
I think we had an orgy.
Seriously?
You're white as a sheep. What, they fuck you with a toboggan or something?
Weren't you there?
Dude... Come on, man, call me next time. It's okay to share.
So cold. So cold.
(EXCLAIMS) Rusty, you little douchebag.
How was the Internet girlfriend thing last night?
Is she hot in real life?
Yeah, you kidding me? She's a total fox.
You guys can't meet her, though, because she's really shy.
Rusty. Hello. Hello. Smoochiekins. Hello.
(ALL GASPING)
I got class now, but I will see you later.
(GIGGLING)
Holy shit. That was her?
I had a hunch there was gonna be something special about her.
Did you hump her?
Hey, did you see that fucking girl? She's fucking hot, man.
Yeah? Well, freshman year, Mike made out with a dude in Cancún.
You son of a bitch. I told you that in confidence.
I was drunk. I thought he was a chick.
Not so funny now, huh, douchebag?
Well, I gotta go, you guys. But just so you know,
I have an in on some of the orgies
happening around here in this castle,
and none of you guys are invited.
So think about that next time you're spanking your pud.
Later, dude-kisser. Yeah.
CLIFF: Don't ask, don't tell, fudge-packer.
Danni, isn't Lia coming to class today?
You know what? I haven't seen her all day.
I don't want to be rude or anything,
it just seems like maybe her and I should be lab partners
'cause I think we have a little more in common and...
DANNI: Hi, excuse me. Walk away.
Hi. That necklace. Where did you get that?
This? My father gave it to me this morning.
Your father? Mmm-hmm.
He's the dean. He's always giving me jewelry.
I have no idea where he get it all.
How can you deny that this man was killed by vampires?
He was drained of blood through these two holes in his neck.
I'm sure there's a rational explanation.
Maybe he fell off his cart and landed on two little spikes
and all his blood just leaked out.
Whether you acknowledge that he was killed by a vampire or not,
you must allow me to drive a wooden stake through his heart,
cut off his head and limbs, burn them,
and bury them separately on consecrated ground.
I will do what I always do when one of my employees is mysteriously killed,
send his corpse back to his hometown
and have his family do with it what they like.
This conversation is over!
(GRUNTS)
So you really think Dean Floca kidnapped Lia?
He gave her necklace to Draguta.
Something weird is going on, trust me.
Wait. Come on, come on.
I will bury you, my friend.
(GRUNTS)
(HUMMING)
Maybe he's hiding a reindeer back here.
Holy skulls, Batman.
Okay, where'd he go?
Do you think he knows we were following him?
We need to think creatively.
Nice. Wang knows. It's gonna help.
(SIGHS)
Okay. We gotta think, think, think.
ALL: Think, think, think.
Think, think, think.
Hey, guys, check this out.
(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)
Sweet!
PETE: Secret lab. Double sweet!
(GASPS)
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Oh!
I'm so sorry.
I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
(SCREAMING) Guys?
What happened to you?
I don't know. I just woke up.
(DOOR OPENING)
Wait, don't leave me. Don't...
(GASPS)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
(WHIRRING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.
I use the castle freak costume to play on the superstitions of the villagers.
Good to see you're still alive.
Thanks to your valuable contributions,
I have finally completed a replacement
hump-free body for my beautiful daughter.
That's me!
Well, it's your torso.
Very nice. Oh, yes.
But I don't know about that tattoo.
But Draguta will probably like it.
Young people these days.
I don't understand. How am I still alive?
I needed to make sure that my head displacement procedure
would be safe for my daughter.
You can stay alive like this for 48 hours or so without reattachment.
(BELL RINGING)
Oh! I must go. I will see you tomorrow night.
I'm giving Draguta her present before the ball.
Very exciting.
Ta-ta.
(WHIRRING)
(ROARING)
What happened? What'd I miss?
Hey, Rusty.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, I'm gonna need that English-Romanian dictionary back from you
since you betrayed my most horrible secret.
You started it.
Well, it's too bad for you, really, since
I was gonna give you this extra invitation to the orgy tonight, but now...
Oh! Like a real orgy?
Yeah. Apparently they're big in Romania.
You gotta give me that invite, dude.
What's in it for me?
Well, I don't know. I... What is this?
I think this is, like, 10 bucks.
Nah.
Okay, but...
Ooh, how about my white specs?
Yeah?
I think you should try them on.
Give them to me.
Okay. Oh, yeah. You look fantastic.
AII right. Okay, we got a deal.
But here's the thing. This is a theme orgy.
Theme.
You gotta dress up like a vampire. It's real hush-hush.
(SHUSHING) Don't say anything about it to anybody.
When you get there, just start taking your clothes off and getting freaky.
Yeah!
I still don't get it.
How are you not dead?
How should I know? Stop turning me.
Okay! God.
Pete, I want you to know this is all your fault.
If it wasn't for you, I would still have a body.
Okay.
If you weren't such a stick in the butt and had come with us, you'd still have a body.
Besides, we actually had a really good time.
Speaking of which, your sister and I want to tell you something.
No, we don't. Yes, we do.
No, we don't. Lia, Danni and I are...
Can I talk to you for a second?
What are you doing? I thought you said you wanted to tell her.
Not right now. She's a head. Besides, we were really drunk that night.
Yeah, but... Guys, what's going on?
Nothing. Nothing.
Listen, we need to call the cops or an ambulance. We gotta do something.
Yeah, but Dean Floca said I could only stay like this for 48 hours.
If the cops come and take him, what happens to me?
You guys, we need to force him to put me back together.
I mean it. This is serious, guys.
Actually, I've been looking through Floca's notes and shit,
and I'm fairly sort of confident
that I can reattach your head to this Franken-body.
You're gonna put her head on that thing?
Dude, do you really think you can do that?
I was pre-med before I changed to music appreciation.
And after all the years of playing videogames,
these hands have been fine-tuned...
Wang, Wang, Wang. What? What's going on?
You gotta stop moving. What...
You have this whole thing...
Stop. Stop moving, please.
Guess what? What?
I'm really high. Okay. I understand that, Wang.
But you have thread...
Danni? Help!
A little help, please? Thank you.
Wait, you attach... No. One, two...
Okay. So if we come around...
No. Okay. Okay.
See? Everything's fine.
Oh!
Why would anyone stitch together a whole body with one long thread?
I mean, seriously.
I think I can fix it.
And I was looking at that vampire, you know?
And he knew he was gonna die. I could see it in his eyes.
You know what he did?
He just gave up 'cause I'm so badass.
It's so scary. Yeah.
You know, pretty much the only thing you can do to
keep yourself safe is probably have old Cliffy the Vampire Slayer around.
Are you a vampire hunter?
Yeah, baby. What's it to you?
Come with me.
AII right. See you girls later.
Rusty! Are you going to the vampire party, too?
You heard about that? Yeah.
Newmar and I are going, if he ever shows up.
Wow!
That book I gave him really must have opened up some doors.
I should be going.
I'II see you tonight. I just might bite you.
Oh, man!
So, do you have any of your tools with you?
What, like whips and handcuffs?
Yes. And stakes and holy water.
Vampire stuff. Yeah, gotcha.
One of these garlic-filled darts can weaken and confuse any vampire.
I come from a long line of vampire hunters.
How did you get started?
Well, vampires, they killed my parents.
It's a pretty sore subject. I'd rather not talk about it.
But, you know, it's nice to be held. It helps with the pain.
(GROANS)
What is this?
Are you ready for some hunting?
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Hey, dude. What's up?
Listen, man. Don't be offended by this, but I'm looking for...
Drugs?
Yeah, yeah. Because I'm planning on having sex with a lot of chicks tonight.
Nice.
So, I was hoping to get my hands on some boner pills.
The magic beans? Yeah.
Well, you, my friend, are in luck.
Nice.
Hey, Viagra's the little blue diamonds.
Oh, shit.
Wait a minute.
Wait, did you just take drugs and you didn't know what they were?
Well, which ones did I take?
Let's see. Well, this is ecstasy,
and this is a horse tranquilizer,
that's speed, and this is a Tic Tac, and...
(GRUNTS) That's not a Tic Tac.
Well, where are all the boner pills?
I gave my last two away yesterday. Sorry.
God! You totally blow as a drug dealer.
You should probably get your stomach pumped.
I don't have time for that.
Hi, do you have any books on reversing split personalities?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
RADU: Stephania, my love.
The Devil's Moon is out. The vampires are sure to make their move.
Well, isn't it customary for vampire slayers to do a bit of the in and out,
in and out before we go into battle, you know?
Mmm. Wit like a rapier even in the face of horrible danger.
I respect that. But we’ll cover more ground if we split up.
Here's your walkie.
Split up?
But how am I gonna get some action if we split up?
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, there will be plenty of action tonight.
I will call you when the time comes.
Man. This girl's really into her role-play.
Vampire orgy, here I come. Room 210.
No. Where the hell's this party?
Room 210. Room 210.
¶ One pill makes you larger
¶ And one pill makes you small
¶ And the ones that mother gives you ¶
(LAUGHING)
How long have I been trapped?
RADU: Stephania.
Five hundred years. But now we can be together again.
That jerk!
Rusty knew the Codex would give her a split personality
so he could steal her away from me.
No way.
That's my girlfriend, man! We need to talk!
(GROANS)
You'll be all right.
(MOANS)
(SCREAMS)
Motherfucker! Who the fuck gives somebody a real crossbow?
Cliff, I need you. I'm in the East Wing hallway.
Cliff, are you there?
I'm gonna be right there! Just hold on. I'm dealing with some vampires.
VAN SLOAN: I cannot wait any longer.
God. Somebody fucking help me!
I am only free from this box during the Devil's Moon...
(SCREECHING)
Holy water, Radu.
Attack!
(GROWLS)
(SCREECHING)
Radu?
What happened?
...the fuck did you have to get yourself into this?
Hey!
Hey! You gotta come and help me, man.
My fucking leg's got a fucking arrow stuck in it.
Man, you got an arrow stuck in your leg.
What are you... Fuck you!
Fucking idiot! Oh, man.
You gotta pull the fucking thing out or something.
No, wait, wait, wait. Have you ever done this before?
No, wait. Just do it quick and, like, gentle.
Fuck!
Great.
Put it back in! Put the fucking thing back in.
(CLIFF SHOUTING)
Look at me. Put it the fuck back in!
Fuck! Not there, you moron! In the same place!
Oh, my God. Radu is torturing Cliff.
Help me apply pressure, man. No, on the wound, you moron!
What the fuck are you thinking?
You got an arrow stuck in your leg.
Would you stop touching me? Leave me the fuck alone.
(SCREAMS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Somebody's shooting you with darts, man.
He is so strong. These darts have hardly any effect.
How does it feel now to get fucking stabbed?
I have to get closer.
There you are! Come with me.
Where the fuck are you going?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
There you are, man. Finally. The vampire girls are waiting for you.
Come on, dude. Watch your head.
Here, have some blood.
This is not blood.
Now, just remember what I told you.
Just pull down your pants and these chicks will go bonkers for you.
Go get them, tiger.
I saw that beast torturing you.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just a flesh wound.
Then I must return to the hunt.
AII right. You go do that. Kill some vampires. AII right.
Hey, call me a nurse while you're at it.
Okay. You're a nurse.
Fucking Christ.
I don't feel so good.
Stay still, my lord.
Out. Here.
Get to the crypt. I will take care of Van Sloan, my love.
Rusty?
You just made out with me.
Ew!
(SHRIEKS)
Awesome.
Dear
friend,
I hope you enjoy
having sex with my girlfriend.
Yours... No.
Sincerely, Newmar.
I feel better already.
I just hope Rusty can read the biting sarcasm.
Newmar!
You're back!
I was in my room and then I was gone
and then I was in the hallway kissing Rusty and then... And then...
Something weird is happening to me.
(SHUSHING) Pumpkin. It's okay.
It's okay, all right? I know all about it. It's Rusty.
And I'm just about to teach him a thing or two about a thing or two.
No, don't leave me!
Okay. Okay.
I thought you said he was going to do something really embarrassing.
I don't know. He usually does.
Stop the party! Dean Floca is coming to bust us.
We gotta go.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Where are you, beast? Where are you?
Foolish students.
Yes, please! Hit me!
(WHOOPING)
(SHOUTING)
(SCREAMING)
Die, vampire!
He must die!
This young man happens to be my future son-in-law!
I never knew that your obsession with vampires would go this far.
You're fired!
(GRUNTING)
Fools!
Get her, now! Now! Get Van Sloan now. Now!
Are you all right, son?
I'm delicious.
Let's get you to bedroom, Scott.
Okay.
¶ Yeah, yeah, bringing out the killer in me
¶ Yeah, yeah, bringing out the killer in me ¶
This is actually kind of fascinating.
Floca might be insane, but he is a genius.
God!
This is so gross, man. It's full!
Okay. Stop puking.
Okay, this is gonna overflow.
You guys aren't getting anywhere. Just let Wang do it alone.
What are you talking about? I'm doing a great job.
I'm starving.
Anybody craving sheep testicle stuffed goat balls right now?
(SCREECHING)
My coffin.
Ready? Yeah.
AII right. Let's go.
We are gathered here to remember... Motherfucking bastard.
...our dear friend.
Though he may be gone... God damn it, lying son of Satan.
...in spirit, he shall be with us forever.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
You, child, give me your vehicle.
No!
I command you. No!
Yes. You will give it to me.
No! Go away!
Child!
¶ What is it?
¶ You like it?
¶ Ooh, what is it?
¶ You like it?
¶ Ooh, what is it?
¶ I got love and plenty of that
¶ I would never say, "Would you call that a handful?"
¶ Would you say that I'm smiling, huh? ¶
(YELPS)
Ready for another round, you stallion?
(GROANS)
God. What happened last night?
We had sex! We had lots of it.
The way you stroke my hump, it drives me wild.
Oh, God!
I have never been with a boy that wasn't crying before.
Draguta?
This isn't working out, you and me.
What are you saying?
FLOCA: You up, Draguta?
Daddy?
What is this?
Dusty, I find you here in the bedroom of my only daughter, with no pants?
I'm so happy!
No, Daddy!
I think Rusty just broke up with me.
Is that true?
No. That's just silly talk.
But you just said that...
No, I did not. I was kidding, pooky.
See. He wouldn't hurt you, sweetie.
Now, Busty, you know that the ball is tonight. You’ll be taking my daughter.
Well, that, or be horribly tortured to death, right?
AII right, let me just go to the bathroom.
Wonder what the mom looks like.
Rusty?
FLOCA: Rusty? Hey!
(CRYING)
I knew it! I knew he was gonna break up with me.
Don't you worry about him, Draguta.
I was waiting to surprise you at dinner. But I... Well...
Tonight I am giving you your big present.
You found a way to remove my hump?
In a manner of speaking.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Lock the door behind me.
AII right. No one hooks up with my girl without getting a piece of my mind!
Aliens Invaded My Head?
(GASPS)
I'm being abducted by aliens!
Oh! Hey there, good friend.
So, tell me, old buddy, old pal.
Hook up with anyone interesting last night?
Oh, boy.
So you admit it!
Look, if you could not tell anyone, that would be awesome
because I have a reputation to keep up,
and I don't want people knowing that I boned such a freak show.
Read this and weep.
Okay.
My beautiful music box. It'll keep me safe.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, I am trapped in the body of an idiot!
I must find Radu.
Radu! Radu!
I should have never left you with that woman's poison inside you.
I must get you out of the sunlight.
Darkness will soon be here, my love.
Hey, Lynne. What you got in the sack there?
Mind your own business, cretin.
Okay. I will.
(MOANS)
Is this heaven?
His voice is strange.
Wait a second. Is this one of those vampire things?
Of course we are vampires, my lord.
AII right!
I didn't miss it. Thank you, thank you very much.
AII right, let's get this thing... Wait a sec.
"Dear friend, I hope you enjoy having sex
"with my girlfriend. Sincerely, Newmar."
The preparations are complete.
Let us begin the ritual of sexual ecstasy.
Oh, boy.
What happens in Romania, stays in Romania.
Mistress, he's not making sense.
My love, you are still weak. Nourishment for the master.
Once you have eaten, we will begin the ceremony
that will free me from the curse of this dreaded box.
We will make love that will tremble the ground around us.
Lynne. Yes.
We must tear out the heart of this body
and plunge it into the bones of my forsaken corpse.
Wow! You girls really are into this.
Your blood, my lord. Fresh and warm.
Right.
Blood. Cool.
What the...
(SCREECHES) What is wrong, Radu?
(SCREECHES)
The boy is empty, my lord.
Oh, shit. So, me...
Radu, I'm like a real person, or a vampire?
(SCREECHES)
Probably around here somewhere.
What is it, my love?
(SCREECHING)
(IN DEEP VOICE) Nothing. Nothing at all.
I am Radu the Vampire.
Then let us begin the ritual.
Yes. Yes. Let us go down there.
And we will figure everything out.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
My lord, I have been waiting so many years trapped in this horrid box.
Yes. Yes, you have. Let me ask you a question, though.
Can we do this without tearing out your heart?
Of course not, my lord. It is the only way to break the curse.
Yeah.
And the body who you're in right now, what happens to her?
The girl it belongs to will die. She was an imbecile anyway.
Hold this for a moment, my lord. Do not let it close.
Rusty? Ooh!
What's going on? Lynne!
What are you doing?
(SHUSHING)
That's a crypt up there.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
You're one of the aliens!
No, no, no, Lynne.
You're one of... Unhand me, you alien! No, I'm not, Lynne.
Let me go! Let me go! I'm not...
(MUSIC PLAYING) What?
Come with me, my lord.
Come with me!
Come, we’ll have sexual ecstasy.
Come with me.
We'll have sexual ecstasy, my lord!
(SCREECHING)
You're an alien! Don't...
Rusty, stop it! Put me down, you pervert!
If I put you down, they're gonna kill you.
I'II probably have to throw this fucking box in a volcano or something.
(SCREAMING)
¶ Baby, I'm leaving town
I am not gonna get on your spaceship, Rusty!
Would you shut up?
There's no such thing as aliens! It's vampires, you idiot!
(HISSING)
I need blood.
Need blood.
¶ Yeah, baby, I'm leaving town
¶ Baby, I'm leaving town
¶ Baby, I'm leaving town ¶
(BURPS)
They think I'm this Radu guy, and I guess they think that you're his girlfriend.
Let me go, you alien Rusty!
Lynne, you have got to calm down, otherwise we're both gonna be killed!
Are you okay?
I can see that sarcasm's lost on you, Rusty.
I hope I made myself clear. Stay away from my girlfriend!
Everybody's crazy. You guys are on your own.
Okay, fuck. Guys, Floca and Draguta will be here any second.
Well, maybe we can stall him. I got an idea. Come on, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait! Why does she get to go? I wanna go.
Sure, just follow me. Wait. You're a head.
Okay, he's in there. So what's your plan?
A vase?
You're gonna hit him over the head with a vase?
Yeah. Okay.
Wow! You're looking really sexy over there.
Stay focused.
Why don't you come over here and give me a good luck kiss, then?
Okay.
This is wrong.
It is so wrong. Yeah.
Ta-da. Done.
Finally. God.
Now I just need to prep for surgery and then we can recapitate your head.
Aren't you stoned enough?
Never!
(DOOR OPENING)
Evasive maneuver!
Big night tonight.
I created a whole new body for you.
(ALARM BLARING)
What... Hold it right there!
(PHONE RINGING)
Security.
I need you to apprehend a young Asian male accompanied by
a severed female head.
And don't listen to anything the head says. It's a liar.
(GROANING)
LIA: Oh, my God, it reeks in here. I can't breathe.
Shut up. You're gonna get us busted.
GUARD 1: I don't understand. Exactly what are we looking for?
GUARD 2: I told you, an Asian male carrying a severed head.
We're in trouble!
LIA: Okay. Here we go. No, no, move to the right.
No, no, we're still... Left. Left, left, left. Straight.
AII right, this will work. Just be natural.
Your hair is in my mouth.
Stop breathing on my neck.
I can't help it!
Shut up and stop talking, idiot.
Lia?
Brady. You're right here.
On my right.
Yes, I am. Are you going to the ball?
Actually, I'm... I'm not gonna go.
Pete stood me up.
That jerk does not deserve you.
I'II tell you what. I will escort you.
No, I don't think... No.
Follow me, madame.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, ladies. Care to dance?
Aren't you that guy who kissed another guy?
Damn it! I thought he was a chick.
He's coming.
Your drink, mademoiselle.
Thanks.
You know, maybe I'm not that thirsty.
Yeah. I don't usually drink that much either.
Quite the dance, huh?
(WANG BURPS)
Ooh! Excuse me.
I guess you were thirsty.
Guess I was.
Those look a lot like Wang's shoes.
Yeah. I borrowed them from Wang.
I mean, since he has such great fashion sense since he's so gay.
That explains his stupid haircut, huh?
(GROANS)
Ow!
Stop it. Stop.
Stop.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Yeah. Hey, do you wanna dance?
Yes. Do you wanna dirty dance?
Yes.
I want you to touch me...
(MUMBLING)
Oops, I should not be even saying that.
But I want you to grab my ass and take full advantage of me.
Yes. Let's go. Let's go right now. Yeah, let's do it.
EMCEE: Students and faculty,
let's all welcome Draguta Floca to the masquerade ball.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Maybe we should slow dance.
To this song? Are you crazy? Come on.
(SCREAMING)
Wang? Where am I?
Jeez. I'm really sorry about that. Are you okay?
Mmm-hmm.
Guess I don't know my own strength. Come on. Let's go dance.
I don't know how Floca got past us.
Hey, that's Lia. That's her tattoo.
Okay.
Lia. So you did the operation? It worked.
Now that you're back to normal, we can finally tell you the truth.
I've been hooking up with your sister.
Pete! Lia, we've only made out, I swear.
My boyfriend and my sister?
BOTH: Lia?
Excuse us.
Pete, you are the worst boyfriend ever!
And behind my back?
Technically, you didn't have a back at the time, so I...
Are you getting technical right now?
Forget it. Let me just get you out of the garbage can.
You have such a fantastic body. Such soft, girlish hands.
Let's get naughty, what do you say?
(EXCLAIMS)
(SPEAKING ROMANIAN)
Smile.
(LAUGHING)
Hey, that guy looks just like...
Radu!
(LAUGHING)
(SCREECHING)
Wait a minute. I don't have reflection.
Master. The ceremony is not complete.
Yes, but I had very important vampire business to attend to.
(EXCLAIMS)
Your only business is to die, Radu.
We will defend you, master.
Yes.
Fight her, minions!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREECHING)
Vampire breath!
(GRUNTS)
(SCREECHING)
Have a little stake.
(SCREECHING)
Get my point?
I don't understand what witchery is this. My love.
Hey, I told you to stay away from her, you crazy perv.
You are not gonna steal my brain, mister.
My love, you are not yourself. Open the music box.
Hey, man, back off.
I shall skin you alive, whelp.
Get him, sweetie.
Watch out! Not so hard, Rusty.
Pardon me. I'm sorry.
Rusty. Fuck! It's just sarcasm!
What are you doing?
Jeez, where'd you learn how to fight like this?
NEWMAR: I'II never hit you again.
He's crazy, folks!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Rusty?
Hey... You look amazing.
Really? You think so?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.
Wait a minute. You ran out on me this morning.
I'm really, really, really sorry about that.
I will never ever do that again.
Not again!
There you are.
Prepare to meet your end.
Lady, you've gotta believe me.
I am not a vampire.
Your lies won't save you now.
Fine! Let's boogie, bitch.
He'll never beat you, baby!
His alien mind power is no match for true love!
It's not an alien, it's a split personality!
(LAUGHS)
Rusty?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
You can't treat me like this!
Who dares to touch the dark lord?
Lynne, what are you doing?
Stephania.
Hey, leave her alone!
Come! That's it!
(SHOUTING)
Van Sloan!
I see you've regained your memory.
Get off my man.
Get off me, you crazy woman!
(SCREAMS)
Radu!
(GRUNTS)
What happened?
Get under here!
What? Rusty! You will never take her away.
What? I'm trying to help her.
Help her? You... Yeah.
That's for sticking your tongue down my throat.
And that's for betraying your planet.
Van Sloan!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I saved your life, Rusty.
My love, I have the box.
He's not yours, whore!
Silence, troll!
Lynne!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
You said you could fix it.
That's impossible!
I used one giant thread so this wouldn't happen.
What are you all gawking at?
What kind of horrible monster stares at a deformed girl?
What kind of horrible monster kidnaps and murders his own students?
The kidnappings are the work of the castle freak.
There is no castle freak. It's you.
Absurd.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
What about me?
You stole my body to give your daughter a new one.
Father? Is this true?
How could you?
I did it all for you, Draguta.
I'm so sorry.
Hey. Two Radus?
Two Rustys.
Wow! You are a handsome fellow.
Just wanna tell you that.
Die, imposter.
You're going to jail, Van Sloan.
Pick it up, Cliff.
Shoot him. What?
Should we give Rusty a hand?
How about an arm?
It's Radu. Shoot!
Hurry!
Shoot him!
AII right, freeze, vampires.
Well, which one is it?
That one!
Shoot him, he's the vampire.
No, shoot him. He is the vampire.
What? No, no. I'm Rusty.
No. I am Crusty.
I don't know which one is which.
Are you a moron?
Shoot!
Listen, this is bullshit! Vampires don't even exist!
(GROANS)
What the fuck?
Shit.
STEPHANIA: Radu!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
No, my love.
You! You will pay for this!
I doubt that.
Professor?
Mmm-hmm.
Did it really happen, Professor Clifton?
Of course it did. It's all here in my book.
You know, they sell them at the library. You should go pick one up.
It happened just like I wrote about it in Chapter 7.
Hey, vampire. I think it's time me and you had a heart-to-heart.
(GROANS)
At least I was defeated by the world's greatest vampire slayer.
(SCREAMING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah. That's how I killed the greatest vampire dude of all time.
And here's what happened to the rest of the gang.
Lia and Brady fell in love. Now they have the hottest show in Vegas.
Three, two, one...
Shazam!
(PEOPLE GASPING)
CLIFF: Lia's still a head, but somehow she's still alive.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
Hi, everybody. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
This is the best magic show I've ever seen.
BRADY: The lovely Lia, everybody.
I don't believe it. How does he do it, Roy?
We shall see, Siegfried. We shall see.
Thank you.
Oh, no. It's a nightmare!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
CLIFF: Then there's Mike.
Let's just say he's still heading down the same path.
Hey, beautiful, what say we take this party back to my place?
You brought one, too, you naughty girl?
"Extra large"? I hope I don't disappoint you.
(IN GRUFF VOICE) Oh, you won't be disappointed.
So hot.
CLIFF: And Wang became a plastic surgeon. Now he's got his own TV show.
First, we’ll discuss what you expect to gain out of cosmetic surgery,
and then I'II explain to you just how realistic those expectations are.
Here, take a brochure.
So, tell me your story.
My body is my career, you know, as a stripper.
But I'm only going to get so far with these.
Nice.
Are you sure about this guy?
What? What sure? He's American and Asian.
What could go wrong?
AII right, let's see how it turned out, shall we? How are you feeling?
Well, I'm so excited. Good.
(GASPS)
Very sexy. No refunds!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
CLIFF: Pete and Danni stayed in Romania
and made a fortune importing blue jeans.
They really love their new pool.
Lynne and Newmar?
They're teaching the world everything they learned from the Codex Eroticon.
Now this is a much more advanced move,
so I don't want any of you attempting this just yet.
CLIFF: And Teodora? She got bored with no more vampires to fight.
So she moved to the U.S. and became a cop.
(SIRENS WAILING)
The fools at my precinct refuse to believe me, but they will see!
This is the home of the leader of the werewolves.
I know he's a werewolf.
Come, stay close. Stay close.
(SHOUTING)
Freeze!
Hey, whoa, whoa! She said she was 18.
(BLEEP) this.
Wait! Wait! She said she was 18! She said she was 18!
Come out, werewolf. I'II put you out of your misery.
Well, what the (BLEEP). I'm calling my attorney, man.
CAMERAMAN: Hey, I don't think this guy's a werewolf.
I think he's just a hippie.
He's a werewolf, fool, and he's ready to attack us.
MAN: No justice, no peace!
(GUN FIRING)
CLIFF: Dean Floca stitched Draguta back up,
and she and Rusty got married. They even started a family.
Aw!
Who's a good boy?
Who's the good boy? Who's the baby?
Who's the good boy? Aw! Who's a good boy?
Who's the cutie?
Yes, you are a handsome boy.
Oh!
Say hi to Grandpa. Come on.
Hi, Grandpa. Come on. Hi.
Grandpa.
¶ Yeah
¶ I know some monsters, some goblins, some goons, some ghosts
¶ They be rockin', get poppin'
¶ Non-stoppin', you know
¶ The vamps are the champs
¶ They just eat and run
¶ So do this cool little dance
¶ Show them how it's done
¶ Look at the wolfman moonwalking under the moon
¶ He just be howlin', profilin'
¶ He's just too cool
¶ And if you still don't believe me
¶ When you see it, beware
¶ You're supposed to be jamming up because you have a reason for fear
¶ He did the mash
¶ Yeah, he did the monster mash
¶ The monster mash
¶ Word, it was a graveyard smash
¶ He did the mash
¶ It caught on in a flash
¶ He did the mash
¶ He did the monster mash
¶ Now that mummy ain't no dummy 'Cause he does it the best
¶ And in the grave there's a brave He ain't got no stress
¶ My man, Dracula's spectacular When he does his moves
¶ And his vernacular is immaculate when ladies pursue
¶ Can't forgive the evil critters that lurk in the dark
¶ Be going at it acrobatic all night in the park
¶ And if you still don't believe it When you see it, beware
¶ You're supposed to be jamming up because you have a reason for fear
¶ He did the mash
¶ Yeah, he did the monster mash
¶ The monster mash
¶ Word, it was a graveyard smash
¶ He did the mash
¶ It caught on in a flash
¶ He did the mash
¶ He did the monster mash
¶ He did the mash
¶ Yeah, he did the monster mash
¶ The monster mash
¶ Word, it was a graveyard smash
¶ He did the mash
¶ It caught on in a flash
¶ He did the mash
¶ He did the monster mash
¶ Come on ¶
¶ When it's nighttime and the moon comes out
¶ That's the right time, I'm hoping you come out
¶ The girls all fine in the nighttime
¶ In the nighttime, in the nighttime
¶ When it's nighttime and the moon comes out
¶ That's the right time, I'm hoping you come out
¶ The girls all fine in the nighttime
¶ In the nighttime, in the nighttime
¶ Unbelievable, it's, like, big
¶ Things don't change, the future I don't even know
¶ Besides what we doing and nothing else
¶ They can't budge us, we leave them shell-shocked
¶ Be warned, my floor's called the new cell block
¶ Still playing music, don't care if the cell drops
¶ When it's nighttime my brain cooks
¶ And the right rhymes label the ancient version of Einstein
¶ A fine line between friends and enemies
¶ Pass me the champagne and Hennessey
¶ Rock parties that have been going for centuries
¶ Bad lights and tricks taking my energy
¶ They'll be waiting on me
¶ I'm so flattered, at the same time so self-centered
¶ They don't matter
¶ Don't be shy, baby, you rollin' with the best
¶ Spark that up, I'm feeling festive
¶ When it's nighttime and the moon comes out
¶ That's the right time, I'm hoping you come out
¶ The girls all fine in the nighttime
¶ In the nighttime, in the nighttime
¶ When it's nighttime and the moon comes out
¶ That's the right time, I'm hoping you come out
¶ The girls all fine in the nighttime
¶ In the nighttime, in the nighttime
¶ Get ready ¶