[instant message chime]
> [moaning] oh yeah.
[gasping] oh yes.
Oh yes. [instant message chime]
Thanks chipper.
[giggling] thanks gluggy.
Thanks gluggy. [gasping]
[instant message chime] oh yeah.
Oh yeah. oh my god poo bare,
Oh my god poo bare, i'm so glad you're here.
[moaning] 1,000 dudes are jerking off
to me right now.
To me right now. but poo bare,
But poo bare, this one's for you baby.
This one's for you baby. oh yeah.
Oh yeah. [instant message chime]
yeah!
Yeah! oh my god.
Oh my god. ohh yeah, oh god.
Ohh yeah, oh god. oh, feels so fucking good.
Oh, feels so fucking good. oh my god.
Oh my god. oh, it feels so good
Oh, it feels so good in my pussy.
In my pussy. oh yeah.
Oh yeah. [gasping]
Oh my god. oh yeah.
Oh yeah. oh fuck.
Oh fuck. holy fuck.
Holy fuck. [instant message chime]
oh, you're gonna
Oh, you're gonna make me come, poo bare,
Make me come, poo bare, i'm gonna come for you
I'm gonna come for you i'm gonna come for you
I'm gonna come for you poo bare.
Poo bare. oh god, oh my god!
Oh god, oh my god! [gasping]
Oh my god. oh my god.
Oh my god. that was so fucking-- guys.
That was so fucking-- guys. guys.
Guys. that was fucking amazing.
That was fucking amazing. aw, thank you.
Aw, thank you. ew, that's so gross scooby.
Ew, that's so gross scooby. [laughing]
that's so funny.
That's so funny. oh my god, did you know
Oh my god, did you know poo bare is actually like,
Poo bare is actually like, a state trooper?
A state trooper? [laughing]
oh, you're blocked scooby!
Oh, you're blocked scooby! [instant message chime]
Guys. tomorrow's the 4th of july,
Tomorrow's the 4th of july, so that means my new website
So that means my new website will be launching soon,
Will be launching soon, kingkelly.com.
Kingkelly.com. check back all day because
Check back all day because you never know
You never know what i might post.
Okay, i have to go because i'm gonna go see
Because i'm gonna go see transformers 3 for like,
Transformers 3 for like, the 3rd time.
The 3rd time. [laughing]
can you guys tip me
Can you guys tip me some more please?
[instant message chime] thanks!
Thanks! [typing]
love you.
Love you. bye.
A™ª music
[dog breathing] > you're so cute.
[sighs]
Shot this a couple nights ago.
Oh my god i feel so gross right now.
So gross right now. i have to get ready
I have to get ready before jordan gets here.
Before jordan gets here. i have to put my lashes on.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-dooo. prince rocket has lift off!!
Prince rocket has lift off!! [mimicking rocket noises]
flying into the next dimention!
Flying into the next dimention! reaching the vortex!!
Reaching the vortex!! shhh.
Shhh. wanna see mr. prince, daddy?
Wanna see mr. prince, daddy? >> stop it, not today,
hun, please.
> [on tv] they were precious,
they were paid for, in blood!!
[crowd cheering & clapping]
>> there's nothing to eat in here.
what are you talking about, there's plenty of things to eat.
[whispering] go wish your father happy birthday.
>> i'm going to later, jesus!
> aw, don't eat that
for breakfast.
>> why not?
mm, tasty.
> you want me to make you an egg?
>> no, i don't
feel like an egg, mom.
this is what i want.
> i'm gonna make you breakfast.
>> hey mr. prince,
you want a cheese ball?
> no, don't give him that!
>> look, mr. prince!
> stop!
you do not feed the dog
junk like that!
>> get it mr. prince, get it!
go!
get it mr. prince!
> that's not good for him.
>> woah, nice ass.
> oh, thank you.
>> i get it from you.
you should be.
well, i'm proud of it.
proud of my ass.
oh my god is that jordan?
> i think so.
>> jordan!
> good morning, jordan.
happy 4th of july.
>> jordan come here!
why are you late?
> hey kelly.
>> you're a big pizza head.
> i know i'm sorry
i was at matt's.
wake me up early so we could start
working on my website.
> i know, i'm sorry.
doesn't that look stupid?
[laughing]
pizza.
>> oh my god,
that's awesome.
i'm a genius.
come on,
let's go work on it. > honey, aren't you gonna
eat something?
>> no, don't bother us,
'cause we're doing
important stuff in my room.
> oh my god we're cute! look at us!
>> we gotta focus on my website,
we gotta post videos, jordan!
> [laughing]
oh my god, kelly, geez,
why do you have that up?
>> how about i could just
like get like,
dance around in my bra.
> classic.
wait, are you filming yourself?
>> yeah.
> [laughing]
wait, i'm supposed to
be filming you.
>> yeah, okay.
rwar!
kill the dolphin!
[laughing]
> [indistinct]
king neptune.
>> what the hell,
how do i do that?
> [indistinct]
get it?
>> oh my god,
you're such a nerd.
alright, i gotta be sexy,
jordan!
> okay, okay.
>> what do i do?
> yeah.
[laughing]
>> that's really not
sexy at all!
oh my god!
alright, come on.
come on.
i gotta get my...
[laughing]
alright, for real,
for real.
> okay.
>> alright, wait, ready?
superwoman!
i'm superhero!
> yeah, that looks so real.
>> oh my god.
> i love fans, you can do
so much with the fans.
you should do more videos with fans.
like a super model.
>> yeah.
[laughing]
oh, it feels good in this fan.
> you look so good.
>> oh my god jordan, you're so nice.
> did you really tell your mom about the king kelly website?
>> duh, hell no!
she thinks i'm making like, handbags and jewellery
and shit like that.
they don't even fucking know
what a website is.
> [laughing]
oh my god,
that's so funny.
>> i know, right?
okay, i have to
think of more ideas.
> you can do wet t-shirt!
>> oh my god.
jordan.
you're fucking smart.
you're gonna be
my manager when i blow up.
> oh my god, kelly,
i'm so bad with everything,
like, managerial.
>> jordan!
you're so organized.
it's the perfect job for you.
you're awesome.
i love you.
> aw, i love you.
>> it's the 4th of july. that means--
[laughing]
i'm dripping on the floor.
alright, just stay up here,
stay up on my boobs.
just get my boobs.
> okay, okay.
>> it's the 4th of july.
and that means we are less
than one month away
from my launch of my website,
kingkelly.com.
[splashing]
[laughing]
> oh, that's good,
no, no, say that again.
>> don't forget to tip me.
whatever.
pft.
> i totally will.
>> peep room sucks.
that's why i'm doing
kingkelly.com.
alright, ready?
5-4-3-2-1.
[laughing]
happy birthday, george washington.
> that's so hot.
>> is it really?
> this is gonna generate
so much visits.
[knocking]
>> kelly?
> what!?
i told you not to bother us!
>> i know that kelly,
but ryan's at the door.
> right now?
what is he doing here?
>> i don't know,
he didn't wanna come in.
> fuck! fucking shit!
>> what, what's going on?
> ryan's totally
stealing my fucking car!
>> [laughing]
> that's not funny!
what the fuck!
oh my god, i knew
this was gonna happen,
he's such a dick!
fuck.
he's fucking jealous.
>> why is it happening?
> i knew this was
gonna happen too.
>> kelly.
> shit.
wait.
[indistinct]
i'm coming.
>> ryan!
what the fuck are you doing?
> put the phone down,
please.
i'm taking my car back.
i told you i was gonna
take this car back,
i'm taking it back.
>> ryan.
this is my car.
i paid for it.
> this is not your car. you didn't pay for it, you--
>> i pay for gas all the time!
> i paid for most,
more than half of this car,
i paid for the tires,
and i paid for this mirror.
>> [whining] ryan.
> don't fucking do that,
kelly.
come on.
>> you look like shit, ryan.
> hi jordan.
>> hey ryan.
i like your shirt.
> thank you.
is this fun for you?
>> yeah.
> your hair looks like
shit today.
>> happy four-- oh.
> [laughing]
ryan, get out of the car.
i am gonna post this video
so everyone can see
what a psycho you are.
>> if you fucking
post this video,
i'll steal your dog--
> you're stealing from me
right now--
>> take it apart piece by piece
and send it back to you
in the god damn mail.
> you are stealing from me right now, ryan.
you are a psycho.
>> you are a bitch.
> argh!
dick!
oh my god. >> what just happened?
> where are you going, young lady?
>> i'm going inside.
> jordan, where is ryan going
with her car?
>> jordan, what just
went on there?
> i don't know.
>> jordan.
> josh.
where's chad?
>> [on phone] fuck if i know. > you have to come pick me up.
ryan just stole my fucking car.
>> dude.
jesus christ, you're such
a fucking drama queen.
take me off speakerphone.
> you're not on speakerphone,
jesus christ!
>> well it sounds like it,
dude!
> ryan stole my fucking car.
>> okay, you already said tha,
kelly, and i didn't really
care about it the fist time.
so what?
> so your package is still in the trunk.
>> are you fucking
kidding me, kelly?
> i told chad you'd bring
that shit to dean's tonight,
he's gonna fucking lose it.
>> josh, i know that, okay?
jesus christ, just
come pick me up and we can
go get the package together.
> dude, i don't have
time for this shit,
i gotta fucking call chad.
>> josh.
why does this shit
always have to happen to me?
> what's going on,
did you leave the drugs
in the car?
>> they're not drugs, jordan.
they're just allergy inhalers
and boner pills
and shit like that.
> [laughing]
>> no, this is serious.
i get paid a shit ton
of money to pick that shit up.
cops'll pull me over and they
don't even know i'm doing it.
chad says i don't fit the type.
> who are you calling now?
>> troy.
> oh. >> dick.
he's so [indistinct]
> no he's not.
wait, people are already commenting on it.
>> i'll send it to you.
it's an awesome video.
i'm fucking pissed though.
> yeah.
>> jordan.
you have to take me
to ryan's house.
i have to get my car back.
> what, me?
>> yeah, you have to take--
> right now.
>> yeah!
> no, kelly, i can't right now.
>> jordan, it's really important, please.
> no, kelly, i can't.
>> jordan, bestie, come on,
you have to.
> i have to--
>> jordan.
> no, i have to go to
the pharmacy.
it closes in 20 minutes
for the holiday.
>> jordan, this is
way more important,
we have to go right now. > no it's not,
if i don't get my adhd meds
you know how fucking nuts i go,
i go fucking crazy!
>> okay, woah.
[phone ringing]
> no, seriously, kelly,
if i don't get 'em [indistinct] >> hold up, troy's calling!
> --and there goes
the whole fucking holiday!
>> yeah, jordan's freaking out,
can you please come get me?
> oh my god, kelly!
>> please,
it's really important, troy!
okay fine, just hurry up then.
> kelly.
can he take you?
>> yeah.
i'm gonna post that video
'cause you look like a freak.
> no, kelly, seriously don't.
>> i won't.
why are you wearing that right now?
> i told you.
i have to fucking work.
>> i know that.
why do you put your apron on before you go to work?
just to drive over,
that just seems weird to me.
> why didn't you just
call the police?
>> i can't call the police
'cause they won't do anything.
> why not?
if he stole your car
then you can call the cops.
>> 'cause technically
the car's under ryan's name,
but it's my car,
i paid for more than half of it.
when's my website
gonna be done?
i thought it was
supposed to be done by now,
or around right now?
> i'm still working on it.
>> why?
> [sigh]
it's a little bit more
complicated than you think,
kelly.
what are you doing? kelly?
[sigh]
[banging] >> ryan, are you in there?!
you fuckhead!
> stop.
stop!
>> blake.
get up, slacker.
dude, open the door.
> [laughing]
kelly?
[laughing]
>> dude.
> [laughing]
your whole fuckin' outfit. >> dude, where is ryan?
> ryan left.
>> where'd he go?
that fuckhead stole my car.
> what?
>> yeah.
> that's so fucking
jerry springer.
>> i got a video of it.
you should watch it.
it's crazy.
> what did, when?
>> just now.
> where is he?
>> wait, you mean like,
the red camry?
[scoffs]
that's his car.
> no it isn't, it's my car,
it's always been my car.
>> [laughing]
> nice, blake.
>> it's some fuckin'
wake and blake.
[laughing]
> where is ryan?
>> ryan?
he's like, goin' to his
fuckin' mom's house.
what is that,
what the fuck is the dude
with the apron?
what the fuck is he,
your dog handler?
> thanks blake.
>> bye kelly!
> bye, blake-y!
>> bye!
[laughing]
> you're hot in your apron,
troy.
wait, troy,
where are you going?
>> i'm taking you back home.
> no, you fucking,
i have to get my
fucking car back!
you have to take me
to ryan's mom's house.
>> no, i told you,
i'm gonna be late for work.
> fine, you know what, fuck you dude,
i don't need your fucking help,
i thought i could count
on my boyfriend to care
about my fucking stolen car,
but i can't even do that.
>> kelly, i'm gonna be late
for my fucking job
and i'm gonna get fired.
> oh my god, troy,
you're such a dick!
oh gross. what do you think of that
mr. prince?
mmhmm.
this is so lame.
aww. jordan.
we're so cute.
we're still super cute.
hello little me.
>> kelly! > what?
>> you have a friend here
to see you honey.
i think she needs more responsibility,
i told her.
> oh hi chad.
>> okay, i'll leave you two alone.
> good to see you.
>> i'll see you later.
> dude. >> can we talk outside please?
> no.
in my house right now, this is really weird.
>> are you serious?
what the fuck do you think
i'm doing here?
> oh my god, relax.
i told josh.
ryan has my car.
>> are you trying to steal my shit?
> no.
why are you acting all sketchy right now?
>> put that phone down.
> no.
>> listen.
bring my package to dean's
at 6:00 tonight,
or we're both in a world of shit.
oh my god,
you understand that?
> yeah, i got that.
>> heh, wow.
happy 4th of july.
> mr. prince! >> why don't you put
your phone down and help us, kel.
> well, i'm a feminist, angela,
i don't know if you've ever
heard of that concept.
>> no, don't start that.
> but you're happy
to eat what we cook for you.
>> yeah i'm happy,
but i'm not as happy as some.
> okay, could you please
just get out of here and not
be a distraction, kelly?
>> well this is my house, angie.
> um, just so you're
aware, we had to take
your name off of your gift
for dad.
>> so?
> so i e-mailed you like,
several times about it,
and you didn't respond
to a single one that i sent.
kelly --
>> who even e-mails
anymore, angie?
> everybody but you!
>> stop!
why don't you go play
with your nephew,
he would love to see the dog.
> arr! arrr, look at the men
out in the yard.
drinking beer and
playing with fire.
>> nice outfit, kel,
nice outfit.
> happy birthday, daddy.
>> we are expecting guests,
hun.
> i know,
i'm so excited for you,
old man.
>> thanks, thanks hun.
> kiss you.
it's really good. >> do you like mac and cheese?
> i love mac and cheese.
>> which cheese?
orange or yellow?
> um... orange.
>> my favourite is orange also.
> you gotta keep this camera steady, alright?
this is gonna be a show,
an awesome show.
wait, i gotta get
the other one.
damn it.
yeah, i got 'em both goin' now.
what should i do timmy?
what should i do?
is this cool?
how's that?
>> [indistinct]
> hey tom!
check out my smoke show!
you like it?
>> yeah kel.
> whatever, you're annoying.
timmy, you rock my
fucking world.
don't say the f-word.
is it good?
look at that face. marshmallow cream madnass.
yeah.
>> what's going on?
timmy, stop it.
what is-- did you open this
for him!?
are you crazy!?
what is the matter with you?
timmy, stand up.
stand up.
you listen to me right now.
what do you think you're doing?
> angela, you're totally
abusing the kid right now.
>> kelly, put the camera down,
stop it, stop filming
my children.
i can't believe you.
chin up please.
kelly, these napkins are just,
not effective, could you
make yourself useful
and go get mom for like--
you have a real problem
with your filming and
everything on your phone.
> no i don't.
>> yes you do.
do you think that i don't
know about your internet
strip tease that you do?
> oh my god, angela.
>> you're disgusting.
> is this gonna be like,
a long lecture,
because i'm pretty sure
that you have no idea
what you're talking about. >> yes i do.
you are selling sex for money.
that's illegal.
> no it isn't.
>> yes it is.
> no it's not.
is that the cake? >> yeah, isn't it nice?
angie did that.
> oh, nice cake, angie.
star spangled ass cake. happy birthday daddy.
[giggling]
happy birthday america.
>> who wants cake? > is that the kind you like?
>> angela does!
angela wants two pieces of cake
'cause she's real hungry.
> kelly stop,
put the camera away.
>> get off me.
> knock it off.
>> hey, you can star
in my next movie.
i wanna watch you eat
two pieces of cake.
> shut up,
you're so fucking rude!
do you know that?
how do you like it kelly?
>> i love it.
> yeah, i know you love it.
actually, fans.
i know that kelly loves
being video taped.
>> --staring at my underwear.
tom was staring at my underwear.
> stop it!
>> are you fucking serious tom?
> please, angela,
do you really think that--
>> kelly and angela, stop it!
> you're a shitty mom.
>> let me tell you what
your shit head daughter does,
okay?
how the fuck do you think
she makes the money?
> angela, enough now.
>> how the fuck do you think--
you think she has
a respectable job?
[indistinct shouting]
she's a god damned whore!
> what are you talking about? >> she sells sex
over the fucking internet!
that's what she does!
> give me my phone.
you're such a fucking--
[indistinct shouting]
>> i hate you all!
> you shit face!
i just called jordan,
she's coming to pick me up,
thank god for fucking jordan.
right now, i'm walking
in my shitty neighbourhood.
i never walk,
i fucking hate walking,
who the fuck walks?
i am not a slut.
i'm not a slut.
>> are you okay? > no.
can i have a hug?
>> yeah.
i love you.
hey.
what happened?
> nothing.
we just have to go
get my car and chad's drugs.
>> okay.
> i just hate my family so much. they don't care about me
or my life, they never
try to understand me,
and all they do is fucking
guilt trip me and gang up
on me about everything.
>> oh my god, i know, my parents are math teachers
and i can't even do math
and they're always like--
> it's so fucked jordan,
they might actually
kick me out of my house,
and i have no fucking money, and now i have no fucking car.
>> well maybe you could move in with troy?
> yeah right.
i'm only with troy
so he'll build my website,
and doing a shitty job at that.
and my website is the most
important thing right now.
>> yeah.
i know, i know.
> let's go get ryan.
>> yeah.
> give me a ad-whatever pill.
>> oh my god, yeah.
> god, matt's such a prick,
why do you go out with him?
>> right, this from a girl
whose ex just stole her car.
[laughing]
oh my god, such a dork.
> wait, where's the car?
>> the fuck is going on?
i'm gonna have to
talk to his bitchy mom.
it's not funny jordan.
>sorry.
[indistinct] â™ª hold me down boy,
â™ª boy, boy ohh,
â™ª when i grow, way.
>> fuck me. > what?
>> ryan took my fucking car
to staten island.
> staten island?
are you serious?
>> i'm fucking serious,
he's having a barbeque
with his daddy.
> what?
kelly-
>> this is shit,
i am so over this,
chad can get his boner pills
himself, and drive
to fucking staten island
himself.
> yeah.
let's go to dean's.
>> yeah, let's fucking
go to dean's.
let's, it's the 4th of july,
we're supposed to be having fun.
[crowd partying] > sup blake!?
wow, look at me,
i'm like the genie.
i can make all your dreams
come true.
make a wish.
[crowd cheering]
oh my god, this is so crazy. >> what's up!?
4th of july!
yeah!
[crowd partying]
> i need a photo, get a picture.
let's get a photo,
who has a phone?
i'm gonna get a picture
of you taking a photo of us.
>> oh, this is tight.
> bam, look at that nipple.
oh.
>> that's nasty.
that's so nasty.
[indistinct]
> oh, shit dude,
look over here,
look look look.
oh shit.
oh!
[indistinct crowd cheering]
>> [laughing] > fucking pissed on my shorts.
>> [laughing]
> what?
kelly, hey,
you wanna see something?
>> yeah, you're funny.
yo, are you okay?
woah. woah, oh my god.
>> oh my god,
i've got a fucking vagina!
> [laughing]
dude, you need
some serious help man.
>> can you see that?
> yeah, i got it.
i got it.
>> i've got a pussy.
> give me more.
>> do i look beautiful? do i look beautiful?
> what's up kelly?
>> ew, ew.
[crowd cheering & clapping]
> [screaming]
[crowd chatter] >> dude.
jordan.
[indistinct]
i was standing back like
[indistinct]
> woo!
it's hot!
>> i wanna have sex with all these chicks who lit the fire!
> shut up.
>> america baby, america.
[indistinct chatter]
> jordan, come here. hey, jordan.
jordan!
come here!
[laughing]
>> oh shit.
> this is dean's parent's gross bathroom.
we're not supposed to be
in the house but whatever,
i don't give a fuck.
there are a whole bunch of
uneducated people out there,
i can't find fucking josh,
i can't find fucking chad,
and jordan's just like,
staring at the fireworks.
and i'm bored.
>> we should go back outside.
they're starting to light the bigger fireworks now.
> that sounds gay, jordan.
i don't have time for that.
i actually have to
deal with this, you know.
>> no, i was just thinking it might be fun.
> fuck chad and his
macho bullshit.
it took me a whole day
to pick up that package.
did anybody bother to thank me?
no.
i might not even tell chad
where ryan went.
fuck 'em both.
he can just wait.
>> you're right.
[phone beeping]
oh, so matt's texting me.
you okay?
> i'm great.
>> okay.
i'm gonna go outside.
> great.
>> kay.
> bye.
fan video idea.
[giggling] mmm, ohh yeah.
don't worry, i won't use my teeth.
[fireworks crackling] [crowd cheering & clapping]
>> get out of there. [fireworks exploding]
yeah!!
> yeah.
>> oh shit.
> dean, dean,
i'm gonna go get some more,
i'm gonna go get us some more.
hey!
>> what's up, matt,
whose dog is this?
> i don't know,
it's probably dean's.
>> aw, dean dog, come here,
you're so big just like dean!
dude, what are you doing in here,
jordan's outside
looking for you.
> yeah.
i found her.
she's, i don't know,
making videos of fireworks or something.
what is wrong with you? >> nothing.
just a bunch of fucked up
asshole dudes who i can't
count on.
> oh.
>> same old story.
> look um, why don't you
come upstairs with me?
>> why?
> [laughing]
because i have a lot of really good coke.
>> oh my god, yes, yes,
definitely, i love these.
i love those.
and...
oh my god.
whatever that is.
> jordan, what the fuck.
>> oh, hey chad.
> where the fuck is kelly?
>> i don't know, oh,
but she was looking for you guys earlier.
> this fucking--
don't film this shit.
[sniffing]
>> [laughing] give me that.
> why?
>> give it to me.
> why?
>> i wanna film you.
[laughing] > let me get this for you.
>> thanks. > you're welcome.
[sniffing] [laughing]
how was that?
>> good.
> yeah.
>> yeah.
> strip for me, kelly.
>> yeah right.
fuck you.
> [laughing]
you know i visit your page on peep room sometimes.
>> for real?
shut up.
> yeah.
dude, you're king kelly.
you're like, the most
popular girl on that sight.
>> nah, peep room is like,
such small time.
> yeah?
>> i'm gonna be fucking huge when i launch my website.
yeah, it's gonna be monster
when i go live.
> oh yeah?
you know like, sometimes
i feel like i know you,
like, less than
i know king kelly.
>> what does that mean?
> [laughing]
i don't know, like...
i've just done shit with you
that jordan won't even
let me try.
why don't you show me some of the things that you're
gonna put on your new site?
[footsteps] >> hey, have you seen kelly?
> sorry.
>> god, where is she?
chad's gonna be so pissed.
kelly?
oh, gross.
kelly. kelly, it's me, chad's outside.
kelly!
oh my god. > jordan, it's not
what you think.
>> oh my god.
oh my god, kelly.
> jordan, i promise you
it is not what you think.
>> oh my god,
if fucking hate you!
i hate you both!
[footsteps]
> you fucking idiot,
you didn't lock the door. >> i thought i locked it!
> jordan, nothing happened,
i swear!
it was just a drug thing,
it wasn't anything,
i swear to god!
jordan!
>> what the fuck's going on? > chad, what that hell,
get your hands off me,
my friend is pissed at me,
get off of me.
>> no, let's talk,
let's go.
> look how red you are.
you look retarded right now.
>> first of all,
get that fucking camera
out of my face.
> alright, jesus.
>> you fucked up,
these aren't your drugs,
they aren't my fucking drugs
either, but you're
one degree of separation
from a gangster mother fucker
with a gun who will
shoot you in the head--
> jesus christ, chad!
do you really expect me
to believe somebody's
going to murder me
because i lost some
prescription pills?
>> prescription pills,
what the fuck
are you talking about, kelly?
> the pills in the car.
>> is that what you told her she was picking up?
> dude, i don't know,
i thought it'd be easier.
>> what the fuck,
what does that mean?
> dude, calm the fuck down.
>> josh, what the fuck
does that mean?
> i just...
>> what?
> you have 20 grand
of heroin in your trunk.
>> heroin?
what the fuck,
you fucking asshole!
> lower your voice, stop.
>> no, i am not
going there alone,
you have to help me!
> i'm not going anywhere
near that car,
i'm not the fucking mule,
you are.
you hand us the drugs
and we hand you the money,
that's how it works.
until then,
you're on the hook for this,
you understand that?
>> kelly, just get
the drugs back, okay?
and everything's
gonna be alright.
just get 'em back.
> okay.
>> what the fuck, dude? > [crying]
[knocking] >> jordan!
> you're such a fucking psycho,
kelly, leave me alone!
>> please can you let me in,
jordash!
> no, i have nothing
to say to you, so fuck off!
>> we need to talk about
something really important
right now, jordan.
> stop filming me!
>> please, come on.
nothing happened,
i swear to god,
can we please talk about it.
[doors unlocking]
[door slamming]
i'm sorry jordan. we were just making a fan video,
nothing happened,
your boyfriend got all weird
on me saying he jerks off
to my webcam and shit.
he's an asshole.
you deserve so much
better than that.
> [sobbing]
>> i told you that.
> kelly, you shouldn't
have done it.
>> i know.
whatever, you have a crush
on ryan and i don't
give a shit about that.
> what!?
what does that have to
fucking do with anything,
you are a slut, kelly,
that's all, just admit that.
>> fine, i'm a slut.
does that make you happy?
> [crying] >> the shit in my car
is fucking heroin.
if i don't get it back i'm dead.
> oh my god kelly,
i don't believe you.
>> i don't care
if you don't believe me,
oh my god,
chad and josh are like totally setting me up right now.
please, please, could you just
drive me to troy's house
so i can fucking get him
to take me to staten island.
> i don't feel sorry for you.
>> i don't need you
to feel sorry for me, look.
i have drugs,
you can have 'em.
> where'd you get these?
>> from the bathroom,
matt fucking left 'em there
'cause he's an idiot.
please.
please take me to troy's house,
and you never have to
talk to me again, please,
i have to get this shit
or i'm fucking dead.
> [blowing nose]
fine.
i'll take you to troy's
but that's it.
>> driving [indistinct] > get the light out of my face.
i can't drive with it on.
>> jordan.
> kelly.
>> woah, jordan,
you got a lot of matt's drugs
right here.
> what.
>> there's a lot of cocain.
> okay.
>> open wide!
> i know, i'm sorry.
[sniffing]
>> [laughing]
i wanna do some.
kay.
then i wanna do some more.
fucking troy, he always picks up.
> maybe he's not home. >> jordan.
his car is right there.
> i know, but that
doesn't mean he's--
kelly.
where are you going?
kelly.
>> he's not working
on my fucking website.
> i know, but that--
kelly!
he's probably just out.
>> he's here,
his fucking car's
in the driveway.
> i know, but that doesn't mean he's here.
>> jordan, just keep
filming me, okay?
> kelly, i don't like being back here.
>> chill out.
> kelly.
>> jordan.
shut up.
> shit. >> oh shit.
> troy's fucking tiffany.
kelly.
[glass shattering]
>> oh my god.
[gasping]
[car beeping] > [indistinct screaming]
>> holy shit
he's coming after us.
[screaming]
> kelly!
i'm gonna fucking kill you,
you bitch!
>> [screaming]
[laughing]
> is he still there,
is he still there,
is he still there?
>> no, he's fucking,
he fucking fell,
he's such a dick.
> oh my god that was crazy.
[screams]
oh my god.
>> jordan, jordan.
did you get me breaking
the window?
> yeah.
oh my god.
>> i've never caught a guy cheating on me, ever.
> yeah.
that's how it feels.
>> are you gonna hate me forever.
> i don't know,
i'm starving.
>> i threw that brick for both of us.
fuck all those asshole boys
who don't give a shit about us.
> kel, you're being
so fucking fake right now.
>> no i'm not.
> yes you are.
>> i'm being for real, jordan.
you're my best friend. i'm in such deep shit.
> fine. >> fine what?
> fine i'll take you
to staten island.
>> shut up,
you're best [indistinct]
are you serious?
> yeah, i mean,
do you even know where he is?
>> yeah, yeah.
brianna texted me,
they're out at some club.
> ew.
>> yeah, ew.
oh my god, jordan.
> do we have more coke?
>> dude.
we got a lot of coke.
> that's good.
>> i love you jordan.
what kind of liquor do you want? > i don't know,
like something fruit,
like raspberry.
raspberry.
>> vodka,
we're getting vodka.
> okay, vodka.
[turn signal clicking]
>> 15-- > hurry up dude.
are you paki?
>> no i am not paki,
i am sikh,
i am not pakistani,
i am sikh.
> woah, are you
hiding something in here?
>> hiding?
what are you talking about?
> customer's always right.
>> $15.20, please.
> [laughing] >> jordan.
> yeah.
>> the paki in there
was giving me
such a fucking hassle.
> why?
>> he was like 'no filming
in here, no camera,
i'm paranoid'.
i was like, i am the customer,
i know best.
> yeah.
in this country.
>> yeah, yeah.
i think he's running some terrorist shit in there.
> wait, really?
kelly.
this is gonna be
a really fucking long trip.
>> i know.
> i'm taking some ecstasy.
>> fuck yeah.
> rave time!
>> it's 8:00!
> i go first, i go first.
>> wooo!!
yeah.
be easy on the booze, kelly. > that's a big one.
chill out, i'm fine.
>> [laughing]
> this is a video dedicated to matt.
>> [laughing]
> thank you for your drugs.
>> thank you for your drugs.
fuck you.
> you have a little dick.
that's what jordan says.
>> oh my god, jordan,
you just posted this?
> yeah, right outside
the liquor store.
>> awesome.
dude, matt is freaking out.
> what's he say?
>> [laughing]
he says he needs the shit back
right away.
[laughing]
> fuck you matt.
>> fuck you matt.
[laughing]
dick.
jordan, you're such
a badass 'cause
you're filming me...
and you're driving
at the same time.
say something. > you say something.
>> you say something. > kelly.
you say something.
>> my god, this water bottle feels so good on my face,
jordan.
> [laughing]
>> this water bottle
feels good on my face.
[laughing]
rave this on your face.
i can't even follow this fucking beat, god.
> kelly, that's your job.
[laughing]
i just drive.
>> you're the smart one, jordan.
you're the smart one.
> wait.
what.
>> just go left.
like, what do i do? >> just fucking go left.
just do it.
> [laughing]
>> jordan, you're like, so fucked up right now.
jordan, fucking move back
in our lane!
jordan, what the fuck,
what the fuck are you doing?
[screams]
[thudding]
holy shit jordan. i think i'm fine.
are you fine?
> yeah.
no.
holy shit.
>> holy shit.
we just got into an accident,
and we're totally fine,
'cause rule.
and we're gonna figure something out.
right jordan!?
holy fucking shit.
fuck, where are we?
dude. > fuck.
>> we're lost.
> fuck.
oh my god.
what am i gonna do, my dad,
he's gonna fucking kill me.
>> [laughing]
this is a good picture.
> it's not funny kelly.
>> yo.
can you give me a recap?
> fuck off!
>> jordan.
i don't know if i got everything recorded on my phone.
tell me how you
crashed the car.
> jordan, this is so--
>> tell me how you crashed it.
> fuck, jordan.
we gotta figure this shit out.
we gotta figure out
how we're getting to
fucking staten island.
>> oh my god,
fuck staten island, kelly,
fucking your fucking camera,
fuck everything!
> jordan, come on,
get it together,
we are in this!
we've come so far,
come on jordan.
chill, i'm gonna
figure this out.
>> what am i gonna do?!
what am i gonna do?
> [laughing]
you sound like a banshee.
jordan, chill out.
>> [indistinct squealing]
> [laughing]
>> go away!
> holy shit, jordan!
>> what?
> fucking poo bare.
>> what?
> he's my biggest fan,
he's a fucking cop.
>> what?
> yeah!
he's a state trooper guy
from newberg!
that's not that far!
i'm gonna call him.
>> you have his phone number?
> yeah, he texts me all the time,
and he sends me like,
cheesy necklaces and shit.
>> ew.
can you... no, that's not him
i don't think.
is, well, oh.
no.
fuck, kelly.
> jordan, he's like,
in love with me,
he's my number one fan.
he tips me the most.
>> kelly, we're gonna be
out here all fucking night.
like, what if he's not--
> chill out.
>> what if he's like a psycho
killer and he's not a cop.
> oh my god.
>> you've never met him.
> why would he lie about being a cop?
that's not even a very good job.
>> yeah.
> he's totally a cop.
and he totally loves me,
so calm down,
we're gonna be fine.
i hope this was a good idea.
oh, shit, he's coming.
film me.
>> do you know what he
looks like?
> no.
oh my god, i'm nervous, oh my god, oh my god,
oh shit, okay.
[crickets chirping] is that you poo bare?
>> kelly? > yeah!
oh my god.
woah.
>> oh my god,
i can't believe it's you.
> i can't see your face.
woah.
>> wow, you look great.
wow.
> [laughing]
well duh.
>> well, i'm sure, i mean, you always look great.
> i can't believe
you're not fat.
>> thanks, yeah,
i'm not, i'm not fat.
> holy.
>> you thought i was fat?
> holy shit.
>> who's this?
>that's my biffo, jordan.
>> hey.
> hi.
>> duh.
> i can't believe, i don't know
what the hell i'm doing here.
this is insane.
>> oh my god,
thank you so much for coming,
you're like,
saving my life right now!
> hey, you gotta
put that phone down, sweetie,
you can't be filming me
with that phone.
no, you gotta put it down, now.
>> jordan. it's poo bare, in the flesh.
in the flesh.
oh my god.
> you're not driving anywhere in that thing tonight.
>> aw, no.
> oh no, it's done.
>> i kind of need you to help us out.
you know what i mean?
the car was stolen.
> this car--
>> yeah yeah yeah.
the car was stolen,
we're not here right now.
> no way, no way,
i can't do that,
kelly, i'm--
>> you wanna party
with king kelly tonight?
> [laughing]
okay, shit, get in my car, let's go--
>> [cheering]
> shhh, shh, come on.
stop filming me.
come on.
>> you're my knight
in shining armor, poo bare.
> put the phone down
and get in the--
>> oh my god we're riding
in the state trooper car.
> get in the car, come on.
>> oh my god, poo bare!
[laughing]
woo!
jordan where are you? i can't see you back there.
> wait wait, i'll turn on the--
>> yeah!
[laughing]
what kind of music you got goin' on here?
> uh, yeah.
>> i don't even know what
any of these bands are.
> play it play it.
murderclock.
â™ª music oh yeah!
oh yeah!
[indistinct]
>> this, this, alright,
that's enough.
[music stops]
that you're not gonna show these videos to anyone.
alright?
> just our online friends.
>> no, no way.
no, not online.
no way.
what are you playing with back there, sweetie?
> [giggling]
>> poo bare.
> yeah.
>> put your
state trooper hat on.
> no, no, i can't.
i don't wear that in the car.
i just wear that
when i'm outside.
sorry.
>> you look good
with your hat on, poo bare.
> i do?
heh.
look, i'm just gonna
drop you off at the club
and then i have to go.
>> no, poo bare,
you have to stay and party
with us.
> no, i'm on duty
for another hour, so.
>> well we'll totally wait for you.
> yeah!
>> come on, you're hanging out
with king kelly tonight.
> yeah.
>> this is a huge deal.
you're gonna make
all the fanboys go nuts.
> yeah.
>> [laughing]
> come on, poo bear.
don't you wanna hang out
with the king?
[laughing]
it's the 4th of july.
and this is king kelly.
reporting from poo bears
state trooper car.
happy 4th of july.
>> [on radio] we got a possible 41,
hit and run abandoned vehicle,
down in spring ridge.
barker, do you copy?
> shit.
>> holy shit,
is that jordan's car?
> shit.
>> what did he say?
> be quiet, be quiet. i gotta take this.
shut up.
hey tommy,
this is barker, i copy.
>> [on radio] what's your location?
> currently headed south
on route 27,
just past columbus.
>> pulling into 22 now,
look up ahead for me
in the medium.
> copy that, i see your lights.
oh shit.
fuck.
shit.
shit shit.
>> poo bare,
what is that number?
the 4-whatever number?
what does that mean?
> just shut up,
i gotta think,
okay, kelly,
get in the back seat,
okay, come on.
get in the back seat.
>> why?
> just come on, hurry up.
i gotta pull over here.
>> alright, hold this.
> get back there, come on.
>> ooh, smack my ass
some more.
[laughing]
oh my god.
> just keep your heads down, don't make a fucking peep.
>> poo bare, where do you
want me to put my head?
> down there.
turn the fucking cameras off,
this is not a joke now.
>> so serious.
> this is serious,
turn the light off,
turn the light off.
>> okay, just turn it off.
okay.
> otherwise i can't see you.
>> hey there, tommy, what you got,
abandoned vehicle?
> yeah, looks like
a one car crash,
accept the driver
seemed to disappear
into thin fucking air.
>> huh.
> some old lady called up
said she saw two hookers on
the side of the road up there.
>> oh yeah.
> she was too afraid to get out. just advising you
of the situation and keep
your eyes peeled for hookers.
>> will do tom, will do.
> alright then, good work.
>> alright tom.
> [snickering]
>> shh.
> poo bare, was that your commanding officer?
>> yes.
shut the fuck up,
we're not done, stay down.
> shh.
>> dude, you're like jedi
knight mind tricking hot guy.
> i can't believe that worked,
i can't believe
that fucking worked.
>> this is good though right,
like, no one knows
i crashed it right?
> yeah, right,
nobody knows it's jordans, right poo bare?
>> yeah, i think you're
in the free and clear.
> yes!
oh my god.
>> as long as no one tracks down those two hookers.
[laughing]
> what the fuck, poo bare,
you know, your
commanding officer's a dick.
could have thrown us all in jail.
> i know, and you saved us.
you saved the night.
poo bare.
>> thank you poo bare.
> my hero.
>> seriously.
> jordan.
do you think we should give poo bare some honey?
>> oh yeah, poo bare,
let us thank you,
we have drugs.
> yeah!
>> holy shit, no,
no, no, no, no.
> you saved our lives.
>> come on,
no drugs in the cruiser,
come on, you know how much
trouble i'll get in?
back here, it's okay. > show us what a bad ass
you are and do some coke
in your state trooper car.
>> yeah, it'll help you
work better.
> what?
>> yeah, yeah,
it'll make you more alert.
> right.
>> yeah.
> be the badass that you are.
>> alright, one line of coke.
> yay!
poo bare!
oh my god, poo bare,
we love you!
>> okay, come on,
be careful.
> we love you, seriously.
>> god, you're so
hot right now.
really really.
> poo bare likes honey.
>> yeah, good one!
[laughing]
> hail, hail, state police!
>> hail, hail, state police!
> king of the road
come follow me.
>> king of the road
come follow me.
> nothing in this
world is free.
>> nothing in this
world is free.
> a trooper's life
was made for me.
>> a trooper life
was made for me.
[laughing]
yea!
> that's good, right,
that's good.
>> that's so hot.
> best song ever, poo bare.
â™ª music >> film a state trooper
doing coke.
> oh, no no,
don't film you can't film that,
don't film that.
>> okay.
> [sniffing]
you guys turn that strobe light off, okay?
[laughing]
>> chad's a fucking psycho.
when did he send this?
> i don't know,
but he sent me like, 12.
>> he's just trying to scare me.
why is he texting me?
outta my hands,
what the fuck does that mean?
poo bare?
how far away are we?
[sniffing]
> this place is a shit-hole. >> oh, it's right up here.
> it's right here?
>> yeah.
> right up here.
>> yeah, make a right.
> ooh ryan.
nice one.
kelly, kelly kelly.
>> oh, fuck,
there's my car.
park park, hurry up
poo bare, park,
it's the red one.
> right here?
>> yeah yeah yeah,
hurry hurry.
> what the fuck. >> what?
> woah.
>> that fucking dick.
> what?
>> the shit is not there.
> wait, what's not there?
>> nothing, just something
i fucking need, okay?
> oh, jesus,
maybe i don't wanna know.
>> what are we gonna do.
> poo bare.
you gotta go in there like
you're gonna arrest him,
grand theft fucking auto.
>> kelly, look at how
i'm dressed.
> you gotta do it.
>> what the hell
in staten island [indistinct] > jordan, you gotta
go in there.
>> what, me?
> yeah, you gotta go in there. >> why me?
> because ryan loves you
because you're all sweet
and innocent--
>> kelly i wouldn't even know what to say--
> i don't know just
make something up please.
you know how badly
i need this package.
jordan.
you can do this.
you can do it.
>> fuck.
> this is all ryan's fucking fault.
if he didn't steal my car
none of this shit
would be happening
right now.
[sniffing]
poo bare.
>> i feel all buzzy right now.
> poo bare.
you gotta help me.
you have to scare ryan
so he'll tell me
where the package is.
>> what the hell was
in that package anyway?
> come on, tell me?
>> it's pretty bad.
> no, no, listen.
i'm not going any further
into this unless you tell me
what you were looking for
in the trunk.
>> it's just like, allergy inhalers
and boner pills and shit.
i didn't even know
that that's what it was.
> shit, that's bad.
>> poo bare. i gotta get it back, okay?
please can you help me?
> if i do this... i want you to do something
for me in return.
>> what?
> i want you to fuck me.
i wanna fuck king kelly tonight.
i'm sorry to say it like that.
but i really want to.
>> yeah.
okay, i'll fuck you. just help me get my
package back and i'll do
whatever you want.
shit, poo bare, go! fucking, let's go [indistinct]
yeah!
oh, shit.
scare him.
kick his ass.
> get down on the ground.
>> woah, woah, woah.
> hit him, poo bare!
>> [indistinct]
stop resisting.
> [screaming]
>> you're under arrest asshole,
where are the drugs,
tell me where the drugs are. > i don't know
what you're talking about. >> where's chad's package?
> what the fuck, you are
a fucking psycho bitch, kelly.
>> you're a dick!
> you show some fucking respect.
>> how do you feel now, ryan.
how do you feel now?
> they're gonna lock you
in fucking sing-sing asshole.
that's felony possession,
is that what you want?
you have exactly 2 seconds
to tell me where
that package is, 1-
they're kelly's drugs. > 2-3-
>> ah, okay,
okay.
they're in my dad's garage, but they're kelly's drugs.
you should be arresting her.
> stop talking.
[indistinct chatter]
you'd better hope you're
telling the truth or i'm going ransacking your daddy's
>> dude, how can you legally do that?
> i can do whatever i want, asshole.
>> yeah, he can do
whatever he fucking wants. pose.
pose for me, poo bare.
> are you serious?
this is going on facebook.
>> shut up.
hey.
> this is going everywhere, dick!
>> get in the car.
> arrest him!
>> i'm gonna thump
your fucking skull, asshole.
> jordan!
>> fix this, please.
> get in my car.
is that more coke? >> no, it's ketamine.
> oh, it's gonna be one of those nights.
>> why didn't you tell me you were gonna
You were gonna do that to ryan?
Do that to ryan? > 'cause i didn't know.
poo bare went all overboard.
>> that was fucked up, kelly.
Kelly. >> whatever,
ryan deserves it.
Ryan deserves it. > whatever, no he doesn't.
and you probably just ruined
And you probably just ruined my friendship with ryan.
My friendship with ryan. >> whose side are you on,
jordan?
Jordan? > whatever.
where are we going,
Where are we going, anyway?
Anyway? >> the gas station.
> where are... what are we doing here?
What are we doing here? >> poo bare says he needs gas,
But i think he wants to buy condoms.
> you're not really gonna fuck the cop, are you?
Fuck the cop, are you? >> no.
i don't konw.
I don't konw. i mean he's kind of cute.
I mean he's kind of cute. you don't think so?
You don't think so? i'm gonna go get a diet coke.
I'm gonna go get a diet coke. you want anything?
You want anything? > no, i want a smoke.
>> you shouldn't smoke, sweetie.
Sweetie. those things'll kill you.
> dick.
Are you okay? >> what the fuck do you think,
jordan?
Jordan? > i'm so sorry ryan.
i had no idea they were
I had no idea they were gonna do this to you.
Gonna do this to you. >> jordan, open this door.
> what?
>> i need some air.
it's hot and it's
It's hot and it's stifling in here.
Stifling in here. can you open the door
Can you open the door just for a second,
Just for a second, i need some air.
I need some air. > uhh...
>> i feel like i'm suffocating,
jordan.
Jordan. > uhh...
>> please?
Just real quick. >> okay, just for a second.
> yeah,
just for a little bit.
Just for a little bit. >> just for a second,
just like, a little bit.
Just like, a little bit. > thanks jordan!
>> wait, ryan, ryan,
you have to come back, ryan!
> hot and beefy. >> [laughing]
fucking kidding me?
Fucking kidding me? > kingkelly.com.
it'll make you happy.
[laughing] >> what the fuck?
> fuck!
>> holy shit.
which way did he go?
Which way did he go? > jordan,
you retarded moron!
You retarded moron! oh my god, no, no,
Oh my god, no, no, i'm coming with you.
I'm coming with you. i'm coming with you poo bare.
I'm coming with you poo bare. we gotta get him.
Poo bare, we gotta catch his fucking scrawny ass,
His fucking scrawny ass, let's go.
Let's go. holy shit.
Holy shit. poo bare.
Poo bare. oh my god, this is awesome.
Oh my god, this is awesome. this is like that show cops,
This is like that show cops, this is always how it goes.
This is always how it goes. oh my god, poo bare.
Oh my god, poo bare. this is so hot.
This is so hot. >> [laughing]
oh shit.
> where'd the skinny kid with the handcuffs go?
With the handcuffs go? >> oh, man,
i don't know--
> come on, i know you fucking saw him.
Fucking saw him. >> yeah, man, sorry.
> are you two assholes
trying to get yourselves
Trying to get yourselves arrested right now?
Arrested right now? i swear to fucking god--
I swear to fucking god-- >> especially since you brought
your deputy out here with you.
Your deputy out here with you. > hey becky.
>> oh, shit, there he goes!
[indistinct shouting]
yeah!
Yeah! poo bare, hurry hurry,
Poo bare, hurry hurry, we gotta fucking get him.
We gotta fucking get him. > no, this is a dead end.
i'm gonna fuck him up,
I'm gonna fuck him up, you want me to fuck him up?
You want me to fuck him up? >> yeah, baby.
> i'm gonna fuck him up.
let's go.
>> yeah! poo bare!
I'm like your hot assistant! > yeah.
>> like your sidekick. > check over there.
>> where is he?
> there his is.
come out here,
Come out here, mother fucker.
Mother fucker. you get your ass
You get your ass out here right now!
Out here right now! >> get away from me!
[indistinct shouting]
> ow!
>> oh shit.
> what the fuck is the matter with you people?!
With you people?! >> check this out, baby.
[buzzing]
> oh, no, no, no, don't.
don't, don't, don't.
Don't, don't, don't. >> come here.
> argh!
[buzzing]
ahh.
Please, no. >> get up.
> [groaning]
>> ohh, ryan.
> how's that feel?
>> trophy shot.
[laughing]
> smile.
>> hey, you really
look like shit, ryan.
Look like shit, ryan. that's what happens
That's what happens when you mess with the king.
When you mess with the king. > don't fuck with the king.
>> yeah.
ree-errr-ree-err.
What'cha doin', jordash? that's a lot of k.
That's a lot of k. jordan.
Jordan. you'd better be careful.
Jordash.
That a boy, poo bare. yeah.
Yeah. wanna be marine.
Woah. exorcist.
Exorcist. jordan.
Jordan. you're fucked up right now.
Hey, did you let ryan out on the car on purpose?
Out on the car on purpose? i won't care if you did.
Whatever. i don't want ryan here
I don't want ryan here anymore either.
Anymore either. he's making poo bare
He's making poo bare all weird and paranoid.
All weird and paranoid. > we should just go, kelly.
>> oh, yes, he's coming. see, i told you.
Yes! that's totally it.
That's totally it. shh.
Shh. oh my god.
Oh my god. > kelly, i'm done--
>> you're not done with shit.
> wait, poo bare, poo bare,
why are you taking ryan?
Why are you taking ryan? >> why are you taking me?
> no, i don't trust
this little fucker,
This little fucker, alright?
Alright? he's coming with us.
He's coming with us. hey, let's party.
Hey, let's party. get in your car,
Get in your car, follow me.
Follow me. >> i got my drugs,
i got my drugs.
I got my drugs. jordan.
Jordan. drugs, in my possession.
Drugs, in my possession. party time.
Party time. ree-errr-ree-err
Ree-errr-ree-err ree-errr-ree-err.
Dude, jordan. jordan, wake up.
Jordan, wake up. i don't wanna party
I don't wanna party with poo bare alone.
With poo bare alone. he's a freaking weirdo.
Ultimate fan video. it's about to happen.
> get up.
Fine, i'll get you up. got a key?
Got a key? >> yeah.
> what room?
>> 115.
> 115.
>> good one, poo bare.
Jordan, where are you going? we gotta go that way!
We gotta go that way! 115!
Classy joint, poo bare.
> what am i doing here? [door slamming]
jordan, are you okay?
Jordan, are you okay? >> this way, sweetie.
there you go.
There you go. come on, let's do this.
Come on, let's do this. > let's do it.
you bring the blow?
You bring the blow? >> check this out.
> you guys are fucking gross.
>> oh, that is so fucking hot.
you are so fucking hot.
You are so fucking hot. > this is fucking kidnapping.
>> shut up.
> [laughing]
>> who are you,
you're not a real cop.
You're not a real cop. > listen.
You keep your mouth shut, i'll set you free in an hour,
I'll set you free in an hour, but you keep acting
But you keep acting like a tough guy,
And i'm gonna run you in for stealing kelly's car,
For stealing kelly's car, it's up to you.
It's up to you. >> it's my car,
it's under my name.
It's under my name. > no it's not, it's my car!
>> you fucking psycho bitch--
> hey!
You show a little fucking respect!
Fucking respect! i'm gonna make you
I'm gonna make you puke shit, buddy.
Puke shit, buddy. [thudding]
>> shit!
> [gasping]
>> i told you to shut up,
i am not fucking around!
I am not fucking around! just kidding.
Just kidding. that's a good video, huh?
That's a good video, huh? that's a good video.
> shit, poo bare. >> just kidding.
let's do this.
Let's do this. > put him in the bathroom.
Do your state trooper song for me, poo bare.
For me, poo bare. >> my state trooper song?
> yeah, do it,
Do your state trooper song. >> [sniffing]
hail, hail, state police!
Hail, hail, state police! > hail, hail, state police!
>> king of the road
come follow me.
Come follow me. > king of the road
come follow me.
Come follow me. >> nothing in this world
is free.
Is free. > nothing in this world is free.
>> a trooper's life
was made for me.
Was made for me. > a trooper life
was made for me.
Was made for me. ryan's okay, right?
Ryan's okay, right? >> yeah, he's fine,
just broke his nose.
> jordan. jordan.
Jordan. [indistinct]
oh my god,
Oh my god, you're so fucked up.
You're so fucked up. jordan.
Jordan. help me.
Help me. jordan, you gotta help me.
Jordan, you gotta help me. jordan, jordan.
Jordan, jordan. put the fucking camera--
Jordan. jordan.
Jordan. [thudding]
>> woah.
> strip for me.
[laughing] so fucking hot, baby.
So fucking hot, baby. come on, dance.
Come on, dance. dance for me.
Yeah. yeah.
Yeah. i love it when you dance.
I love it when you dance. >> i can keep dancing for you.
> yeah?
>> yeah.
> no, take my pants off.
>> let's just get on the bed.
Come on, poo bare. > suck my cock.
Come on. take off your bra.
>> give it to me. give it to me.
Give it to me. > no.
i wanna film you.
>> i'm filming you, poo bare.
Poo bare. yeah.
Yeah. yeah, let me film you.
Yeah, let me film you. > yeah, film me baby.
yeah.
>> jordan. jordan.
Jordan. jordan.
Jordan. jordan, wake up.
Jordan, wake up. look at me.
Look at me. jordan.
Jordan. you have to help me.
You have to help me. jordan, you have to unlock me.
Jordan, you have to unlock me. please, unlock me.
Please, unlock me. we have to get out of here.
We have to get out of here. i think that cop is gonna
I think that cop is gonna try to kill me.
> [groaning] >> [moaning]
yeah.
> shhh, shh. i think he's hurting her.
I think he's hurting her. >> jordan, get those keys.
they're on the belt right there.
They're on the belt right there. > alright.
good, good.
>> [indistinct whispering] > put them in my hand.
okay, great.
Okay, great. okay.
Okay. i'm gonna get
I'm gonna get out of these cuffs.
Out of these cuffs. i'm gonna get
I'm gonna get out of these cuffs.
Out of these cuffs. >> he's coming for us.
> okay, okay, okay.
we're okay, we're okay.
Alright. >> he's gonna kill us.
> oh, fuck. fuck, you,
Fuck, you, you're so fucking hot.
You're so fucking hot. i'm gonna come.
Baby, i'm gonna fucking come in you.
Come in you. i'm gonna fucking come.
I'm gonna fucking come. [gunshot]
>> oh shit!
oh my god, ryan,
Oh my god, ryan, you shot him!
You shot him! > it's not my fault!
[indistinct screaming]
this is not my fault!
This is not my fault! [screaming]
>> jordan, we gotta
get out of here!
Get out of here! get in the car,
Get in the car, i'll meet you at the car.
I'll meet you at the car. fuck, fuck, i gotta
Fuck, fuck, i gotta get dressed, shit!
> [coughing]
>> poo bare, i gotta go. don't tell anybody about this,
Don't tell anybody about this, okay?
Okay? just make something up.
> okay.
Kelly.
>> he's really fucking bleeding jordan.
Fucking bleeding jordan. > what are we gonna do?
>> i don't know.
i don't know.
I don't know. i don't know.
I don't know. > kelly, we have to find ryan,
he just ran off.
Kelly, we have to get out of here now.
Out of here now. >> okay.
> just drive.
>> yeah, okay.
fine.
Fine. > oh my god.
>> ryan!
what the fuck are you doing,
What the fuck are you doing, get in the car!
Get in the car! > ryan, we want to help you!
>> go away!
> please, get in the car!
>> get the fuck away from me!
> kelly, stop the car,
stop the car.
Stop the car. >> ryan are you crazy,
you're in the middle
You're in the middle of the ghetto!
> stop the fucking car! >> oh my god,
Are you seriously gonna ride in that thing?
Gonna ride in that thing? jordan!
Jordan, get in the fucking car. > [screaming]
>> jordan,
you're embarrassing yourself.
You're embarrassing yourself. get in the car, jordan.
Get in the car, jordan. get in here!
Get in here! >>ryan!
>jordan!
i'm not coming after you!
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Dang, i'm so lost right now. i gotta figure this out.
I gotta figure this out. [sighs]
fuck.
Jordan left her phone.
God, i look like such a loser.
Which one do i wanna eat? [indistinct]
Holy shit. look at all this food.
No one's gonna believe i ordered all this.
Maybe i'll just take one bite of everything and throw it out.
I'm all alone now. so what?
So what? so what?
So what? fucking jordan goes off
Fucking jordan goes off with ryan,
With ryan, she's fucking in love with him.
People are gonna freak out when i post this video.
When i post this video. no one can say shit to me
No one can say shit to me either, 'cause it all
Either, 'cause it all really happened.
I'm king kelly, bitches. i'm gonna show you all.
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