I don't want her living here, that's all.
Boy. What a great night for a race, Stitch?
Remember, there's ten roofs. No stopping.
- We know the rules. - All right. Start the race.
- Let's go. - You got the money at the other end?
- Start the race. - You got the five bucks?
Get over there, greaseball.
Once more with the rules. Ten roofs, no stopping.
- We know the rules. - You got the $5 at the other end?
- Will you get down? Let's go. It's there. - All right, I'm game. Let's start the race.
- You're a brave boy, speedo. - I'm faster than you, meatball.
On your marks, get set... go!
Hey, nice try, Rat!
I'll get you, greaseball!
Yeah? See you around!
Please help me. Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you.
Please help me. Somebody, please.
OK, Cos.
Thank you. Thank you, everybody.
Times is tough.
When a guy can't make peanuts as a cripple, the world's getting cheap.
How much you make today?
- Millions. - Millions!
Get out of here.
Hey, Vic! Stop this crate!
Annie O'Sherlock.
- How about a lift with a gentleman? - I thought you were in jail.
- Not yet. A lift with a gentleman? - Know where one is?
- Hey, listen. I'm shooting up in this world. - A regular rocket?
I don't wanna brag, but I'm the most promising human in Hell's Kitchen.
Come on, Cosmo, I'm late.
I'll walk along. This place is crawling with desperate characters.
- Desperate as you? - I ain't desperate, I'm in love.
- Back it up. You're wilting my permanent. - Hey, Annie! Hey, listen.
You're too nice a dish to have them dime-a-dance creeps mauling ya.
You should only associate with businessmen such as myself.
You got a lot of style for a guy with pigeon crap on your shoulder, Cosmo.
That ain't real pigeon crap.
That's a little something I had sown on to make me stand out in the crowd.
How about I come by and see you at Sticky's at ten tonight?
If you still want.
God. "If I still want"?
Everybody needs something.
And what you need is a lot of me, wrapped around you on a cold night.
How about I see you at ten, OK?
I'd like to mangle every pigeon in town.
Ain't Annie got great yams? With them legs, she's built for a long race.
You need some help? Good. Hire a partner.
How much ice today, Mr Gaimbelli?
- How much ice, Pop? - Just the two.
- Just the two.
Just the two.
"Just the two." Nice place. Remind me to throw a party here, will ya?
- What are you doing? - I don't walk behind. I ain't no fart catcher.
What's buzzing?
Nothing's buzzing. Just throw the ice in the box, Victor.
- Hey, who's the new stiff? - That's El Zuppa.
El Zuppa? The organ grinder who worked on 49th Street? Yeah?
- What happened to his monkey? - Somebody took it, I guess.
- Is that a fact? - That's a fact.
Is that a fact? Damn. I could've used that monkey.
- You don't like animals. - I ain't keen on your licebag bird.
But El Zuppa's monkey has real class, real talent.
- Bella's no licebag. - Look, Victor.
Victor, I don't wanna hurt you, but if you love that bird,
the nicest thing you could do is take it to a butcher and have it hacked into a meal.
- Cosmo. - Where's your sense of humour?
Getting ripe, ain't he?
- Don't start. - What?
- Don't bad-talk dead people. - What are you grunting about?
- Leave him alone. - It's OK. I'm not annoyed.
"Annoyed"?
A-nnoyed? And where did you find this word "annoyed"?
- The dictionary. Susan's teaching me. - That Chink is teaching you to be witty?
- You just don't give anybody a break. - What?
We're brothers. That ever mean anything to you?
Yes, it does. It means a lot to me.
It means there's a lot of bananas hanging off the family tree.
This place is starting to annoy me. I'll see you whizzos tonight at Mahon's.
And in case you ever get lonely, I want you to meet Muriel.
I'll see you guys later.
- Hey, Lenny. - What?
- Will you do Charlie Chaplin? - I got work.
OK, here.
Here's Charlie Chaplin.
- Does that make you happy? - Yeah.
OK. I'll see you tonight.
Your dime's up, your time's up.
How are you doing, sweetie?
- Don't give the customers a hard time. - He was pawing me, Sticky.
So what? And no drinking on the job, either.
- I'm mending a broken heart. - Don't get fresh!
You see that guy over there?
He'll give you 20 bucks for a good time.
Two tens. 20 ones.
Clean it up, Sticky.
Come here. You see that guy over there?
$2 for a good time. Eight quarters.
Maybe if you shave your legs, he'll give you 20 cents. Four nickels.
- Clean it up, Sticky. - "Clean it up."
lam clean. This is a clean joint. You! Get out of here, you pervert!
We don't have any girls to sell here!
- We're going to the dogs. - What?
We're going to the dogs. I'm glad Ma and Pa ain't alive to see how their boys is.
- What's bothering you? - The Carbonis were meant to go places.
I'm a struggling businessman, this guy hauls ice like a dumb Eskimo,
and you throw stiffs in a crate. A very classy crew.
- We're holding our own. - We're holding garbage.
Yeah, you look rich. We oughta rob somebody.
- I'm not robbing nobody. - We need money.
Well, cut your hair. Somebody will give you a job.
- Come on, it's a trademark. - Yeah, and get rid of that earring.
You think you're some kind of a pirate?
- Speaking of worms... - What?
Stitch Mahon and his gang.
- So? - They got El Zuppa's monkey with them.
All right, you vermin. Out.
Hey, Vic. That monkey could be worth big dough.
You see whose shoulder the monkey's on?
- Franky the Thumper. So what? - So what?
- Anybody else wanna say it?
You just get clever. Mahon will have Franky remove your face.
Them bums swiped that valuable animal.
Hey, Vic. You know Stitch always says no one can beat Franky at arm wrestling?
- If you win, he'll give me the monkey. - Don't mix with Stitch.
Lenny, the trouble with you is you weren't born with no sporting blood, not a drop.
Sit tight. Let me handle this.
How you doing, Stitch? You're looking swell.
Mr Mahon, would you put a drink on your kid here?
I own this joint, Cosmo. I don't need no free drinks.
- So what do you want? - Just shooting the breeze.
Well, go shoot it some wheres else.
Daddy, give me the night's take, will ya?
Hey, Stitch, how do you always manage to stay in such great shape?
Avoiding wops.
I know what you mean. This neighbourhoods crawling with foreigners.
You know how you always say Franky's the strongest guy in the neighbourhood?
Do you really believe that tripe?
I'll slap your chain out, you sideshow-looking freak!
Hey, Frank. Franky, I know you're a great wrestler, but my brother,
who ain't as handsome as you, is as strong as Charles Atlas.
- Your brother is a moron. - Nah, he ain't no moron.
I said he's a moron.
So he ain't no flamin' wit, but first thing in the morning,
he can haul over 450 pounds of ice up five flights without blowing his breakfast.
Can he do that?
You know, Frank, this morning I couldn't wait to shave,
come in here, and get mangled by you.
Thank you, Franky. You've made me so very happy. What do you say?
No more of the punching. I'm just chewing a friendly rag with Stitch. Right, Stitch?
- Cut your hair, jerk. - Cut your hair, greaseball.
- It's a trademark. Come on, Stitch. - Cut your hair, jerk.
Enough!
1 think you're sucking wind.
- "Sucking wind"? - You're sucking wind.
No, no. "Sucking wind" ain't my specialty.
I got business to talk... big business.
You? Business?
Yeah. How about I bet a hundred dollars against that monkey
that my brother, Victor, can whip Franky the Thumper at arm wrestling?
Why don't you step into my office? It's that-away.
How you doing, Vic? Franky here wants to have a friendly arm-wrestling match.
- Nonsense. You can still back out. - Who rattled your cage?
- I'm looking out for Victor. - Let's go!
We're getting there.
Listen, I just bet a hundred bucks against that monkey. I ain't got a dime.
If you don't win, these creeps will drag me in the alley and tie knots in my spine.
Not that I can't handle it, but who needs the midnight exercise?
- Let's go! - We're getting there. Come on.
Come on, get out of here.
Come on, Vic. Take a seat.
Don't forget, it's a hundred bucks against that monkey.
- I can't start. - Why not?
- I can't start till Bella's come. - Give me this.
What's your mother doing flapping around in a cage?
- You better leave mothers out of it. - You got anything else to say, gimp?
Hey, Stitch. Let's leave mothers out of it, OK?
Ready, punk?
Hey, you know, the word "punk" is a noun.
Shut your hole... puke!
Yeah, you know something? You are puke.
Hey, Stitch, what do you say we get this happy contest rolling here?
Come on, Vic! Come on, Victor!
Will you let my brother breathe? You're sucking up all the good air.
Cosmo, you better have that dough
or you're gonna be spending a lot of time doing a lot of healing.
Come on, Vic.
Lenny, it's becoming a desperate situation.
You've gotta do something now.
Please.
Victor.
Victor, you can win if you want to.
You can win this. I believe in you and Cosmo believes in you.
But you've gotta believe in yourself.
Wm.
Win.
Come on, Vic.
Come on, Vic!
- Come on, Vic! - Come on, Vic!
Come on, Vic! Keep it going!
Nice try, baby brother! I knew you had it in you. Nice try, Thumper, but no cigar.
Baby brother! Where's Stitch?
Nice try, Frank.
Nice try, Stitch. Where's the monkey?
Yeah. You know, I don't like animals anyway. They're... filthy.
- Yeah. - Why don't you get it from the Rat?
No hard feelings?
None.
- OK, Rat. Hand over the monkey. - Hey, it's my monkey.
- It's my monkey. - No, it's my monkey.
- It's my monkey. - It's my monkey, greaseball.
It may look like you, but it don't belong to you. Now you're getting me hot, rat face.
- Be reasonable, Rat. - I'm gonna cut your throat.
- Don't do this. I got a future. - I owe you one.
- Victor! - I'm gonna cut your...
No!
- A flying rat. - Skinny!
Put him down, Victor.
Put him down.
Vic, that was great! You should've made a wish with his legs, you rat!
Come on, let's celebrate. Come on, Lenny.
OK, beer here, Mr Mahon. Beer here.
Hi. I'm your new brother.
- I didn't wanna hurt him. - Those guys wanna be hurt.
- I'm gonna get some ice cream. - Go get a double clip of ice cream.
You know, sometimes I wonder about nature.
Me, myself, I'm a rough and nervy guy.
But my brother there, who should be a real rough pecker, is as nasty as a daisy!
Don't you guys ever wonder about nature? Nature's a funny, funny thing!
Hey... anybody wanna buy a monkey?
Coochie-coochie coo. You're gonna be worth a fortune.
Hey.
We got business to talk with you.
You cheated my boy Franky here.
- What are you laughing at? - Franky's making faces at me.
- Let me dent his head. - No.
Your hands is too valuable to waste on this greaseball.
Well. Good night.
Where are you going? Hey!
Hey, I'm feeling nice tonight, ice jerk!
But someday we're gonna have business together, you and me.
That guy's too stupid to be scared.
He's a primitive.
- Hi, Viccy. - I'm not feeling good tonight, Susan.
- Why the long face? - I don't know my face is long.
- Here's your shirts. - Thanks. I could use some clean shirts.
- What's the matter with Viccy tonight? - Confusion.
- And what is confusion? - A noun.
- What's the matter? - Sometimes, this place... I don't like much.
It doesn't matter. We'll be out of here soon.
I keep thinking about that houseboat in Jersey.
- When will we have enough money? - A few years. Eight years.
- Great. I'll have time to pack. - Yeah, you'll have time to pack.
- Tell me something nice, Viccy. - You mean, say it now?
OK, you don't have to.
I love you, Susan. And you know it.
Susanna!
- I have to go now. - Already? I just got here.
See you tomorrow.
Good night, Ms Chow.
Every night like clockwork?
Look, I know your clogs are tired, but you just hang on to Cosmo's neck.
Nice neck? I just had it washed last week.
You're supposed to laugh. No? Forget it.
Just hang on and I'll drag you around for the rest of the night.
- Thanks, but Sticky might not like it. - What do I care what that rat likes?
So, listen, we get a ten, no, 20-piece band
and I set you up in the best clubs in Manhattan - or Brooklyn, if you want.
Forget Brooklyn. I ain't having you dancing in no shipyards!
- Stop, Cosmo. I'm too tired to laugh. - You're too tired to laugh?
Why don't you lay down and I'll wake you in the morning? We'll finish talking.
- When are you gonna cut your hair? - Long hair proves your brains work.
- And yours never stops. - It's my fortune.
We get a band, work up an act, I dress you in red beads.
I'll handle the paperwork. We'll smash records.
Annie O'Sherlock and her hot dancing yam legs. Together, we can't miss.
- Sounds good. - Yeah.
It's nice with the riffraff pigs off the street, isn't it? All the slobs gone to bed.
It's nice. Well, think about working up an act, OK?
- I'll think. - "you'll think"?
You oughta see a doctor cos your eyes need glasses.
- Why? - Why? Why?
- Yeah. - You keep missing my mouth all the time!
- Good night, Cosmo. - Yeah.
Come on, eat.
Come on. Come on.
What's wrong, Bella?
Come on, Bella. Eat, really.
- Hey! - What?
You gotta start off every morning by crooning to that licebag bird?
Well, she likes music in the morning.
Yeah? Then buy the bum a radio!
Look at the dancing monkey. Dance. Look at him dance.
Dancing monkey.
I'm out here freezing, you're out here freezing.
Everybody's freezing.
I had plans for you.
You were gonna be a dancing monkey, the gimmick of a lifetime. But no.
You're wasting my life, you're wasting your life.
How long do you think I'm gonna stand for this?
How are you doing, Bunch? You look nice. I'm glad you passed by.
- What are you doing around here? - I'm shopping. What are you doing?
I just quit that good job down on Wall Street cos I ain't the type for cushy jobs.
- Yeah. Who needs Wall Street? - Yeah, who needs it?
- So you're teaching monkeys to dance? - Yeah, just to pass the time.
I like animals. Coochie-coochie.
- Listen, you coming by tonight? - Yeah, tonight for sure.
- You don't have to. - Hey, Bunch. Don't I always show?
Are you fishing for a compliment?
- Yeah. - All right, I'll mail it to you.
OK. I'll see you, Cosmo.
Touche-co.
Now you did it. Now you embarrassed me. You got nothing going, creep.
How much ice tonight, Mr Gaimbelli?
No ice tonight. No ice.
- I did not! - Yes, you did!
- Hey, Cosmo. - Hey. What's buzzing, Victor?
- Where's Lenny? - Wrapping his teeth around dinner.
- Where did you get the new suit? - I won it in a raffle.
- Raffle, nothing. - Come on, Vic.
Why should I look like a boiled rag when I could have a stylish set of duds for free?
- You're swiping from the deceased. - Look, Vic.
This guy come into the world nude, so it's natural he go out that way.
- That ain't right. - When you're gone, you're gone.
Why wear a suit? Is this guy going dancing? Are you going dancing?
No, he ain't, but I am, and I can't afford to look like no slob tonight.
Tell you what, I'll return it in the morning when I'm done. I give you my word.
What a rotten band. Do they stink.
I don't like that singer either. He keeps winking at me all the time.
- Where did you get the suit? - You like it?
Don't take it wrong, but it looks like somebody died in it.
Close, close.
- Give me a dime! - I ain't got one.
- Give me a nickel! - I ain't got a nickel.
Get out of here!
Freak! Get the point!
I keep getting the freeze from this tomato. I'm not a bad guy, am I right?
No, I don't think so. But I can't get nowhere. I can't get nowhere.
- What do you want me to say, Cosmo? - How about words that change my life?
- I'm here. - What's that mean?
When you're ready to forget that kid, I'm here.
Not now, Bunch.
Why not? You've been seeing me for three years.
It's been good, but this is something more involved.
- I don't think it'll work between you two. - You don't think so?
Why don't you say why you don't think so?
I just don't think any people understand you.
- But you do? - Yeah. I've seen you more different ways.
Don't get dirty, Bunch.
You know what I mean.
I ain't gonna hurt your feelings, but I wanna let you in on something.
You are a professional bed warmer.
What I need is big money.
- What are we doing here? - Live a little, will ya?
Paradise Alley's great. Dames crawl out of the woodwork.
- This is private, Cosmo. - That's no problem, Lenno.
Come on, live a little.
You're gonna be so happy I took you here. You're gonna laugh, maybe dance.
Hey, Lenny, you can use one leg, maybe do the Lindy Hop.
Get a load of this.
We're friends of Mario.
- Who's Mario? - I don't know. Everyone knows a Mario.
- I'll see you tonight. - Come on, will ya live a little bit?
Thank you.
You won't find God in this joint!
Come on, come on.
Big Glory!
Two beers, bub.
Somebody lose a nightmare? Get a load of that kisser.
Yes, here he is - Big Glory!
All right, back off.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I remind you,
a crisp $100 bill
to any man who thinks he can stand with Big Glory for one round!
And now for your entertainment, Sammy the dancing towel boy.
A hundred bucks? If I was taller, I'd square off with that fish myself.
- Where are all these lovely ladies? - I guess they're in the bathroom.
Looks like all the good-looking broads blew town.
What do you think about Vic scuffling with that truck?
- It's a bad idea. - Why bad?
- You need an explanation? - Yeah.
That man's a professional. He makes his living breaking bones.
- You wanna turn that on Victor? - Yeah.
Don't be foolish.
Vic can haul over a thousand pounds of ice without blowing his breakfast.
- Can he do that? - Who are you talking to, Cosmo?
Well, I sure ain't talking to no high roller.
- "Rustic". - Adjective. The country.
R-u-s-t-i-c.
Good. OK.
"Rutabaga“."
Noun. Turnip.
R-u-t-a-b...
Hey, Vic! Lenny's in trouble!
- What's the matter? - We'll talk later.
- Take care of Bella. - Yeah, take care of that bird.
Lenny?
- I thought you said Lenny was in trouble. - I knew you'd do this.
I ain't in no trouble, Victor. Your brother made a mistake. Why don't you go home?
There's a hundred bucks to be had and all you gotta do is stay in the ring.
- He's not a wrestler. - Got a crystal ball in your pocket?
Hey, Vic. It's easy money, duck soup.
- Then you do it. - Me?
I might kill the guy. Nah, really. He's just a couple of inches too tall for me, that's all.
- What if I get a chipped tooth? - I'll cover it with a blanket.
Vic, you better go now.
Always squawking about buying some houseboat in Jersey, ain't ya?
You're a dreamer, Vic. You ain't never leaving unless you wise up.
A hundred clams for a couple of minutes' work.
You think about it.
- Should I do it? - It's your body.
Bring your body this way.
Well clone, Sammy. Let's hear it for Sammy the dancing towel boy!
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have another idiot challenger
who thinks he can stay in with our very own club champion, Big Glory!
What's your name, kid?
- Victor. - Kid Salami.
If he's Kid Salami, what are you? Kid Garlic?
In this corner, believe it or not,
Kid Salami!
Yeah! Victor!
And in the far corner,
our very own smashing, bashing, crashing.
Big Glory!
Cut the gabbing, stupid, and start the brawl!
- Die, you bum, die! - Your mother was a...!
Leave mothers out of it. Die, you greaseball creep!
- Hey, Kid Greaseball! - Hey, Rat! His name is Kid Salami.
Say after me, "Kid Salami."
Moron!
Hey, Vic. Just pretend they're friendly.
Hit it, Sam!
There ain't no law against fighting back!
How bad are you hurt? We're going home.
- Come on, he looks great! - What do you want to do?
- If I get annoyed, I think I can win. - Then get annoyed!
Yeah, will you please get very annoyed? You're embarrassing me. Here we go.
Come on, Victor!
Victor! Yeah!
This guy is easy. Go ahead. Go get him, gorilla. Go ahead.
Go get him, Vic! Come on, Vic!
Get him, Vic! Don't embarrass me!
Get into it!
Get into it! Get annoyed!
Kid Salami! Yeah!
- Come on, Salami! - This is my job. Get off, get off.
The winner... Kid Salami!
- Didn't I tell you? - This kid ain't right. You wanna sell him?
You owe a hundred, Burp.
- The wrestler? - Our brother's not for sale.
- That's right. - Let's go home, Vic.
I knew you'd win! Didn't I tell you? Of course you'd win.
What happened?
I won it.
Can you believe our brother just dumped the Paradise Alley champ?
- It's a start, Lenny. - He could've got hurt.
I tell him to find a gimmick and he has. His muscles are a God-given gimmick.
- Fine, just don't do it. - Hey, listen.
Hey. What have you got against making an honest buck?
Nothing. It just depends how it's made.
Franky the Thumper's a wrestler. Stitch is his manager. Why can't we do the same?
Franky's rotten all his life. And don't try turning Victor into one of your gimmicks.
- You amaze me. - You amaze me.
- It's a ticket out. Where's your guts? - I got more heart than guts.
Don't hand me that. You used to be the hardest.
You blew it for yourself. You ain't gonna blow it for me.
- You watch yourself! - Come on. Come on, hit me!
You ain't even gonna make a dent! You're the biggest joke in the neighbourhood.
You were going places, then you got brave.
What have you got to show for proving you was brave? What have you got?
What have you got? A footlocker? A Purple Heart and a walking cane?
Put it all together and what have you got? Nothing!
You should've grew your hair and jumped off a chair to get flatfeet like me, but no!
You wanted to take a shot at being a hero! Was it worth it?
You better go home, Lenny! Go home cos you're looking old tonight!
And you better take a look at me cos I'm on my way uptown!
It's uptown for Cosmo!
Stay there. What are you coming around for?
Cos I want to.
- Just leave me be. - Let's talk, Annie. Let's talk?
After three years, you wanna talk. Now I don't think I can listen.
- Please, let's talk. - No!
- I wanna say I'm sorry. - You don't make it better by saying that.
You put me through too much. Forget the sorrys, all right?
- I've had problems. - Don't talk in front of these people!
I don't care! Do you see how I move?
- Did you think it changes anything? - I'm not the same!
I said, did you think that would change anything, that I'd feel sorry for you?
Why have you been avoiding me for over a year? No phone, nothing.
Cos you didn't want anybody feeling sorry for you. I don't feel sorry for you!
I feel sorry for me! You did what you wanted. I'm the one that got left out!
I'm back.
- Do you want me back? - No.
- We gotta start over, Annie. - No more, Lenny.
Mumbles!
What do you want?
When was the last time you were with a woman?
- Probably the Depression. - What are you saving it for?
I don't know, man. Maybe... maybe a big finish.
You better get out more often cos you're starting to turn Grey.
Me, I'm on my way to visit the best-looking tomato in the neighbourhood.
- Good night, Mumbles. - Good night.
I wasn't doing it to you. I'm doing it to myself.
- You did it to both of us, Lenny. - We've always been above this nonsense.
Let's get above it?
Come on, baby. You got too much on the ball to be jostling here in the street.
It's too late, Lenny.
- Don't do this to us. - I don't wanna be forgotten again.
And how many times do I have to say that you won't?
I was wrong for what I did for us.
I can't, Lenny. I can't.
- Why? - If I do, it starts all over again.
That's exactly what I wanna do. I wanna start all over again.
For Christ's sakes, don't make me beg?
- Good morning. - Good morning.
- What happened? - About what?
- What happened? - What do you mean?
- I thought we had something going. - We did.
- What? - We were friends.
- There was more. - Cosmo, we were friends.
- You just used me to stay close to Lenny. - Why are you saying that?
We got no papers on each other. I'm back with Lenny cos that's where I wanna be.
He dumped ya, I was nice to ya. Don't that matter?
- Sure it matters. - Answer me one thing. Do you love him?
- Yes. - No, you don't.
Nobody loves nobody round here. Everybody fakes it.
- Why don't you leave the lady alone? - Shut your fat mouth!
- I'm calling the cops! - I'll break your face!
- Look, do you wanna come in? - For what?
Small talk and coffee? Tea and crumpets? For what? Friends?
Good friends.
You two should never have been leading me on.
I never led you on. I never wanted to lead you on, Cosmo.
- Come in. All the heat's getting out. - Then close the window.
- You want me to close the window? - Close the window.
I'm gonna close the window!
You wanna close the window? I don't like you neither. I don't like nobody.
I'm in demand. I don't need you. I don't need nobody!
I'm sensitive.
- They should've never led me on. - Why do this?
- They should never have done that. - What do you expect? It's his old girl.
- He dumped her! - She wasn't your type.
Don't tell me my type. What does anybody know? Who do you think is my type?
- Why not look over here? - You think that's good?
Do you think we're a match made in heaven or something?
- You cold, Cosmo? - I ain't cold.
I hope I croak here. I hope I catch pneumonia, is what I hope.
I hope they come up here and find me dead someday.
Come on, this it getting stupid.
We've been here all morning. You've been shouting everything. Nothing's changed.
They're still together.
We're still together. So nothing's changed.
- You don't understand. - I understand your feelings got hurt.
- Nobody understands nothing. - You believe that?
Yeah, we fake it. Everybody in the whole stinking world fakes everything.
- Come on, Cosmo. You're gonna get cold. - Good. I hope I croak.
The problem is, it's just that nothing in my life is working right any more.
- What am I? A broken part? - No, you're not. You don't understand.
I understand from us. That's all I know from.
Is that a fact?
That's a fact.
- You don't understand. - I understand.
You don't care about money?
Us.
You don't care about cars?
Are you hard of hearing?
Us.
- So what's that supposed to mean? - It means I'm stuck with you.
Stuck with me?
Yeah, I guess we're stuck together.
"Stuck together"?
Pretty sticky relationship?
I love you, Cosmo.
Vic, last night was the beginning of something big.
- How big? - I'll level with you.
You stepped in them ropes an ice-ball jerk, and came out a champ.
- I don't feel like no champ. - Don't worry, just make me a handler.
I can't do it. I promised Susan.
Don't promise her nothing. Her relatives bombed Pearl Harbor.
- Watch your mouth. She's Chinese. - What's the cliff? I'm getting a headache.
- She got annoyed when she found out. - Suey don't know nothing.
- Susan. - All right - Susan.
Will you stop kicking that can? Now look.
Look, you and Suey... Susan, I'm sorry.
You and Susan got plans about getting out and buying a houseboat.
- Where do you want that houseboat? - Jersey.
Wrestling can be your passport out of this city. It's a growing sport.
- How soon? - What do you want, the exact date?
- I promised Susan. - I wanna let you in on something.
Suey's almost a regular girl. Regular girls don't know nothing about wrestling.
Know how many guys coulda sat on top of the world,
but they let a dame tell them what to do and only ended up sitting on a toilet?
You're causing me to breathe heavy. You got no reason to treat me crummy.
- I'm not treating you crummy. - You are!
I ain't treating you crummy.
How long have you been an Iceman? I wanna hear you say that. How long?
- Since I was 12. - Since you were 12. Great.
I'm gonna let you in on a fact of life, genius. There ain't no bones in ice cream.
Don't be wasting your time looking for something that ain't there, Vic.
Victor, this beef is a God-given gimmick.
What do you say? Are we partners? Shake. Put it there.
- There ain't no bones in tuna. - So, what's that mean?
I don't know.
- What are you doing with the can? - I'll kick it on the way home.
- Gonna kick it on the way home? - Yeah.
Wait a minute, Victor! Hey, Vic! Wait a minute. Wait.
You get the truck and I'll show you what real dough you can make.
OK.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Now you'll see what real dough you can make. Hey! Is Big Glory in?
- You the guy that beat Glory? - He's a relative. Where's Glory?
- Downstairs, door on the left. - Bless you.
Yoo-hoo. Glory?
- Glow? - Who is it?
- It's just a couple of fans. - Can I talk with you?
I don't like y'all to come down here.
I'm sorry about what happened. I was lucky.
Now, what did you wanna talk to me about?
My brother here was wondering how good it is to be a wrestler.
Much like any other thing. I mean, if you're good, it pays off.
Sure it is. Glow here just didn't waste no money on furniture, Vic.
- Is this where you live? - This place ain't permanent.
My manager, he's saving my dough. He's gonna start my career all over again.
- How long's he been saving? - Seven years. I ain't much for numbers.
It's probably any day now, Glory. Don't get impatient.
We gotta go. We got appointments elsewhere.
Hey...
- I's 41, but I'm still strong, you know? - Yeah, you're still strong.
I'm gonna twist my way up in the ranks soon. I's got a family to watch for.
- Where are they? - You a detective?
With all the dough Glow makes, they're probably living grand.
'Way's on vacation. Hey, boy.
To get ahead, somebody to trust you've gotta have to be your handler.
- Now, you remember that. - You remember that, Victor.
We gotta be going, Mr Glory. Thank you very much for your time.
Hey.
This is my place and this is where I stay.
And you come talk to me any time you want, OK?
Okay-duke.
Come on, let me be your handler. I can't keep begging you like this.
- You're making me look bad. - Hey, what are you doing?
I'm gonna choke ya if you don't make me your handler!
- Don't con me, Cosmo. - I'm begging you!
You want me to walk like this? I'm trustworthy. Don't you want the good life?
It doesn't make much sense to me at all.
- I just think you're making a mistake. - Susan says so too, but I need money.
- You're working steady. - I've saved for years and I only have $106.
Victor, is moving to Jersey worth getting hurt for?
- I won't get hurt. - Well, why chance it?
Lenny, my beef is a God-given gimmick and you know it is.
You know what I think is funny? I see you, but I hear Cosmo talking.
Now go on home and come back when it's just Victor talking.
- OK, it's just me this time. - It's good to see you again, Victor.
- I was thinking you'd be a good handler. - I think you think too much.
You like your job?
Your job. You like it here?
- Why do you ask that? - I don't know. I told Cosmo I wanted you.
He said you wouldn't do it because you liked working with dead things.
Do you get a kick out of making me feel bad? You think I like this job?
- I don't know. It's quiet. - Yes. It's quiet.
It's peaceful.
My advice is to go home and do some hard thinking for yourself.
If you still wanna, come back. We'll talk some other time.
All right. See you later.
- Sorry, Victor. I don't need ice any more. - But I got your delivery.
I bought an electric icebox and it works very, very good. I'm really sorry, Victor.
Come on! Heave them rocks! Go on. Heave it!
This is a good exercise to beef up them shoulders.
- Where did you learn to train people? - You're born with it. Bend that pipe.
That's right. Bend that pipe. Let me see you bend it.
Good boy! Throw it away. Throw that pipe away.
Now get over there and heave that dumper.
- Victor. - Yeah?
- I'm on my way to set up your first match. - Thanks, Lenny.
You're welcome.
- I'll see you later. - Where are you going?
- Tell Susan the news. - Keep training.
- My beef feels strong, right, Cosmo? - Yeah, you got strong beef.
Yeah. Hey, Lenny, could you do Charlie Chaplin?
Sure.
All right, I'll see you later.
- Down in the mouth, ain't ya? - What's that mean?
Taking the handling job serious, ain't ya?
- Let's get this straight. Victor came to me. - Yeah, everything comes to you.
Your job's keeping Victor in shape and my job's handling business.
I took the job cos I plan on doing things with it.
I can tell you're a guy with promise. What if I say I don't like working with you?
Join the navy.
That's what I'm feeling inside for you, Lenny!
- Don't mix in it, Cosmo. - Why did you do it?
- Cos she was mine. - You dumped her!
Why do you do this to yourself?
You two should have never been leading me on. I'm sensitive.
Nobody's leading you on. It's in your head.
I don't wanna hear it. I don't like what you two done. I'm in this just for the money.
Aren't you always?
Yeah.
So come on. Come here. Out of the shadows. Let me look at you.
War hero? What's your name?
- Lenny. - Well, listen to this, Captain Lenny.
Before you wanna bet any cash on your man, you gotta get a name, a big name.
Ain't that right Big Glory?
Then you can bet some cash on him.
Your guy's gotta have a good record before these jerks will bet heavy on him.
I'm not talking about those five and tens, neither.
I'm talking about that $100 you stole from me, you creep. My man wasn't in shape.
- You're saying that's all there is to it? - That's all..
Come on. I promise you 50 wins before Christmas. What do you say?
50 wins?
Listen, punk.
Your man gets in the ring 40 or 50 times before Christmas,
he won't have enough brains to tie his shoelaces.
Then you'll have two cripples in the family.
Couldn't you find any other tape?
- What's wrong with electrical tape? - Vic's a fighter, not a broken toaster.
Don't play patty-cakes with this burn. Get in quick and use the ice clamp.
- What's the ice clamp? - It's a little secret weapon that I created.
OK, Vic. It's time to start your career.
Come on, Vic! Ice clamp! Ice clamp!
The winner, Kid Salami!
You know, I've been thinking. Since everybody knows you as Kid Salami,
I want you to hang a few salamis around your neck as kind of a trademark.
It'll be great for when you fight Death Breath.
- Yeah? What kind of salamis, wise guy? - Genoa.
Come on! Ice clamp! Ice clamp!
Salami! Salami! Salami!
Salami! Salami! Salami! Salami!
- Problems? - Vic is getting hurt. We oughta quit.
- And end an undefeated career? - Who cares?
300 from you. Come on. $300.
- OK, squirt, let's go. - Get out of here!
- I know what time it is. - I haven't seen you for over three clays.
Look, I've just got a lot of work to do now and I'll be by later.
I'm selling Kid Salami. He's my brother. Here's the action.
Salami! Salami! Salami!
You got him!
Hey, forget about having mercy with these bums?
That's the only way to treat these animals.
Ape Wilson? You call yourself a wrestler?
You didn't last five minutes, you bum.
Turn in your shoes. You're a disgrace to my profession.
Don't pin these bums that fast, cos I don't get a chance to place my bets.
- Sure. - We oughta talk.
Get dressed. We're gonna celebrate tonight. What is it?
What's with you having him fight on Christmas Eve?
Come on. I'm taking care of business good. Now relax.
He's winning, but he's getting banged around. I don't like it.
It's part of the business. If you don't like blood, you're in the wrong racket.
- Hey, I'm talking about our brother. - Cosmo.
- You understand? - Don't.
- Who is this guy I'm talking to here? - Relax, OK?
Come on. You're looking old tonight.
V as in Victor.
Tonight you won your 40th fight. What do you say?
- I'm a little disoriented. - "Disoriented"?
You getting fancy with that dictionary. You don't sound happy for a rich man.
- I'm happy, but I don't think Cosmo is. - I'll take care of Cosmo. You stay healthy.
- I'm trying. How much money we got? - What? You don't trust me?
Sure. I just wanted to know how much money we have.
- Faith. You know what that word means? - Yeah, I know.
- Yeah? What? - You gotta have it to stay in church.
- Don't give me that. - Faith is believing in something invisible.
Don't mix in business, Victor. I'm taking care of everything.
- I'm doing what's best, understand? - Yeah.
- You've just gotta have faith. - I have faith.
- Hey, Lenny. - What?
Do Charlie Chaplin.
Later.
You get dressed. We're gonna celebrate. I'm taking you to Lindy's for cheesecake.
Yeah.
Come on.
You dance excellent, Sammy. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Salami.
Stitch. This is beautiful.
I got your name inscribed on the side. Use them in good health.
- I will, I will. - Stitch, this is exactly what I wanted.
- You must've read my mind. - It's pretty.
Shut up!
Franky, Franky. Wanna dance?
Robe fits, Stitch.
Yeah, well, it oughta. I had it made special for you.
And the teeth look nice, too.
Yeah, they look nice.
They look real nice.
Ain't you glad I whipped Big Glory tonight?
Yeah, sure I'm glad.
Hey, Franky.
Do I look any older to you than I did last year on this date?
Nah.
The mirror's dirty.
Yeah. And I gotta get the lights fixed in this joint, too?
Yeah.
- Merry Christmas, Franky. - Merry Christmas.
Hey, Frank. Do I look any taller to you than I did last year on this date?
Nah.
Get out of here, you creep! What are you doing out here on Christmas?
Get a job!
Wino bum!
Don't you know Santa Claus when you see him?
- You got any season's greetings for me? - Of course.
Is that for me?
It might be... if you're a good girl.
Lenny, I'm terribly sorry. I forgot to get you anything.
It's OK. I'll get a refund.
Maybe I did get you something.
- He's a handsome devil, isn't he? - I don't know about the "handsome" part.
Try the next one. The next one's very hysterical.
What is this?
You take that, you hook it up to your bed there, and it keeps track of your mileage.
Cosmo, sometimes you got no class.
You don't like it? Try the next one. The next one is all class.
The next one is a class import.
It's perfume!
The best.
- I'll smell with the best. - You're gonna smell with the best.
Gee, it's really nice. You planning on taking me uptown or something?
- Yeah, I was, yeah. - What happened to your plans?
I don't know. I think I've gotta do something first.
You mean with your brother?
I was thinking, it's Christmas Eve. I shouldn't leave you alone.
I haven't even opened my presents yet. Did you get me some socks?
Yeah. Three pair.
- Where are you going? - Paradise Alley. You wanna go?
Yeah, but you go alone. I'll wait here.
Hey, Bunch. You wait alone, OK?
Cos tomorrow you're out of this place... for good.
Thanks.
Honey, when you're in motion, you just remain in motion.
The name of the game is momentum.
I know you don't believe it, but things are gonna work out this way. Please?
Do they?
What colour hair does your business meeting have?
- What are you saying? It's business. - Business?
I'm saying if you leave me tonight, don't come back.
I can't have you always walking out on me, Lenny.
OK. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's not the same.
- Maybe we had our time and it's over. - Yeah, maybe.
What am I supposed to have done wrong, Lenny?
You didn't do nothing wrong. I'm climbing now and you don't like heights.
Then it's over. Just like that.
No. It's business.
- Glory. - Santa?
Nah, it's me, Cosmo Carboni.
- What do you say, Cosmo? - I came by to see how you was doing.
Well, you can take a look at me and see I ain't doing too well.
- Yeah, I can see that. What happened? - I scrapped with Franky the Thumper.
- Yeah. I know the beast-animal. - Well, he's bad weather.
I've been hearing a lot of good things about your brother. He's coming up fast.
- I know. He's coming up too fast. - Good-looking boy he once was.
Well, a bathing beauty he ain't no more, is he?
I bet he ain't.
We both sure ain't no bathing beauties?
Hey, Glory. What say you and me go out and we have some Christmas fun tonight?
I'd like that.
Bathing beauties... It's been a long time since I had Christmas wine with a friend.
Well, you ain't never had it till you've had Christmas wine with Santa Carboni!
Come on! Get it over! Hey! Are you crazy?
Don't you recognise Cosmo Carboni and Big Glory?
Cosmo!
Glow just broke his company's property!
Are you crazy? Now get rid of this!
Get out of here!
- I'm a bear! - Don't you recognize Santa Claus?
Look what kind of drunken bums they are.
Knock it off!
What do you say, we go to Stitch Mahon for a drink?
You know they don't allow coloured folks in there.
Come on, I can get you in. Me and Stitch are good buddies, come on.
Well, merry Christmas,
old Franky the Thumper!
I brought you a present all the way from the North Pole!
See ya, Stitch!
Stitch, you idiot!
I'm gonna sit down here and just think.
I ain't had me such a ball since I don't know when.
- Me neither, Big Glory. - You don't have to call me Big Glory.
- How come? - Cos I ain't so big, just fat.
- Well, Fat Glory ain't such a catchy name! - It ain't catchy, but it's closer to home.
Before we clone that hell-raising, I was thinking a lot.
- You know, I ain't no big deal no more. - Don't be saying that.
Listen, I've been thinking about this for a long time.
In my mind, I've figured out I'm living all backwards
cos all them things that made me feel good, they happened a long time ago.
Ain't your handler getting you ready for some kind of comeback?
That guy wasn't nothing. He just worked there.
- What about all this dough you made? - I just wrestled for room and board.
So before I go, I'm just gonna say thanks for being a buddy.
- Where you going? - I'm gonna jump in the river.
- Why? - Cos I'm happy.
I don't get you, Big Glory.
Well, most people do themselves in cos they's feeling blue.
When I'm feeling blue, I ain't feeling nothing like hurting myself.
I feels like hurting somebody else, which ain't right, that's for sure.
Hey, Glory. I still don't get your drift.
Well, I always wanted to end it when I felt good. Tonight, I feels happy.
Come on, let's drive the truck some more.
Remember, nobody in this world's gotta do nothing if they don't have a mind to.
- Hey, Glory. What about your family? - You's looking at my family.
Hey, Glory, come on. Let's drive the stupid truck some more, all right?
I've made up my mind, boy. Just thanks to you for being a buddy.
Give me your word you won't try that old hero's bit.
I ain't giving my word. You make me feel like it's my fault cos my brother beat you.
Listen, your brother didn't beat me. I just didn't want it no more.
You take a long look at that picture, boy, and do some smart thinking.
Cosmo, you know, in a hundred years, this ain't gonna matter none.
You take care, Santa Claus.
All these lettuce leaves and fish bones. Shucks, I can't even find no dirty river.
You just can't even kill yourself.
Big Glory, what are you doing?
You know, in a hundred years, this still ain't gonna matter none!
Why are you driving the truck? What are you doing down here?
- Vic, you've gotta get out. - Out of what?
- This wrestling. You gotta get out now. - Why should he? He's winning big.
Look, Vic, I'm your brother. I've seen where you're heading and it's bad.
Why don't you keep smelling the river and just stay off his back? I don't need this.
What is this kind of talk? You wanna call it a clay?
What's going on? You wanna quit? Quit. I thought you were made of stronger stuff.
- What do you mean? - I don't know what he thinks, Victor.
You're the best.
And you're respected and we're respected, and you know it.
It's all cos of that respect your big match is ready to be made.
What match?
- A match worth a $1,000 purse. - Wait. Who's he gotta wrestle?
You wanna retire? I'm not stopping you. I just wish you'd have done this.
- Why don't you wise up, Vic? - It goes back to having faith.
- I got faith. - You do? Then let me lay this out.
You see, listen to me or to Cosmo. We're not pulling back and forth no more.
- Get off his back! - You stay off his back!
I wanna see you respected, rich, and with your houseboat.
With this one match, you don't have to wait years.
- We'll be on our way to success. - Who's he wrestling?
- Franky. We'll be over the top. - He's over nothing!
- Just have faith. - I'll fight.
- Vic, don't do it. - I'll set it up. I'll set it up.
Stop with this faith crap! You've pushed too hard. He ain't in shape!
- You set it up and I'll get ya! - Don't get into him.
- Hey, Vic. Have you seen your face? - I don't have to look in the mirror.
- Do you know where you're heading? - Yeah, on our houseboat.
I wanna lay something out for you. Guys like us, we don't live on houseboats.
We don't live on houseboats.
Go on. Go on.
You came here to talk business, so let's talk.
- How much you guys wanna wager? - Make your wager.
You first, greaseball.
- 500. - Peanuts.
And we can't buy nothing with peanuts.
That's what your brother Cosmo's gonna be worth when we get through with him.
He broke my window.
How much money do we have?
- What do you wanna know for? - Curious.
We've got $9,000.
We bet 9,000.
That's a very hefty wager.
For nine grand, I'd tear my obnoxious, overbearing,
smelly, ignorant, sweet mother's face off.
Yeah.
That's a very healthy greaseball wager.
I wanna talk to my brother.
- What are you doing? - I think I can win.
You "think" you can?
You lose this fight, we're finished. We're garbage again. Do you understand this?
I was never garbage.
- When do you wanna set this match? - Tonight.
- Such short notice. - You yellow?
Then tonight it is.
- You're gonna win tonight, aren't you? - I'm gonna win.
- Why are you gonna win? - Cos you have faith.
Why don't you get off his back?
Faith.
You just make sure you win cos nothing else counts.
- You understand? - Yeah.
Lenny, you oughta take that cane and shove it in your ear.
Your brain's more crippled than your leg.
Easy, boys. You're fighting already.
Hey, Salami. Tonight you're gonna look like cooked salami.
All kidding aside, you've come a long way. I wish you the best of luck.
Hope you have a lot of insurance. Can't take a joke?
The guy's always been an idiot.
Later.
No later. Why not now?
Later.
Yeah.
You and me, brother.
You and me.
Let's go!
There's a lot of people here.
You don't have to go through with this.
- You oughta be proud. - Wait a minute. Why should I be proud?
You started everything.
Let's go, Vic!
First, I'm gonna smash you! Then I'm gonna get you!
I'm gonna smash your whole family!
- Watch your eyes. Everything's on you. - I know, Lenny.
- Look, I didn't start nothing. - It's nice weather.
Ladies! Ladies and gentlemen!
Tonight's fantastic bout will have no time limit!
No rules will prevail!
The two contestants will battle
until one or the other can no longer continue!
- Look at those muscles! What a man! - That guy's loony.
Hey, you greaseball morons!
I'm gonna go ahead and pull your teeth out with my hands!
I'm gonna pull your eyeballs out
and I'm gonna squeeze your ugly neck
until your ugly tongue turns a sick blue!
You puke!
Get 'm your comers!
- Easy, boys! Take it easy. - Moron! You're the greaseballs!
- All right, relax. In this corner... - It's your fault.
Weighing 290 pounds,
for the record, a fantastic record
of 174 wins
and nine disqualifications,
the cruel, the insipid Franky the Thumper!
Yeah! Come on! Come on!
- And in this corner, with a record of... - Hey! Hey! Didn't you forget something?
Excuse me. Handled exclusively by Mr Stitch Mahon!
What's the matter, Stitch? Don't it float?
And in this corner,
weighing 285 pounds,
with a record of 41 straight victories, the boy who got his start here...
- You OK? - ..In Paradise Alley, our very own,
Victor "Kid Salami" Carboni!
Go on.
You don't have to go through with this.
- Let's win, Vic. - I'm gonna take care of you later.
Use the thumbs.
His thumbs, Vic. Watch this creep's thumbs.
Use the ice clamp on him. The ice clamp. All right?
Sammy... let the bout begin!
That's right! Come on now!
Get out of my face, you idiots!
Idiots!
We're gonna smash you in half! You're gonna be dead!
That's it, Franky! Come on, Frank! Squeeze him!
Smash him, Franky! That's it, smash him!
Hey, that's a foul! Foul!
Foul! Hey!
That's a foul!
Get him, Franky!
Foul! Foul!
- Come on, Vic. - Get him out of here!
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
Keep that beast off my brother!
I'll kill ya!
- Slow down. Save your strength. - Everything is fine. I'm happy.
I don't want you to be happy. I want you to get mad and I want you to win!
Stomp him, Franky. Stomp him!
I don't want nothing left in him, nothing, just a greasy little wet spot!
- Look, Vic. Just use the ice clamp. - I'll tell him what to do from now on.
- Just use the ice clamp. - Why don't you guys stop fighting?
- Hey! - Hey! Get off him!
Get off him! Hey, Vic, are you all right? Vic!
- Come on. That's a foul! - Get him over there!
That's a foul!
Lying creep!
- He was gonna fall there. - Sit down, Vic. Come on, sit down.
- They're frightened! Shut up. - Worms! Worms! Worms!
- Don't get careless, Vic. Pick your holds. - You mean discriminate my holds.
- Why don't you go out there? - Shut up!
I'm gonna smash him!
- Go get him, baby. - Give him the ice clamp.
Why don't you get off his back, Lenny? Just get off his back.
- I'm gonna stop this. - You stop nothing. We got everything.
- We got nothing! You're gonna kill him! - Stay out of this!
- I'm gonna get you! - You get me!
Win for me. You're the best.
- Talk to me. How you doing? - Excellent. What round is it?
- The 22nd round! - Keep it together, Victor.
We have here a disqualification! A disqualification!
- Think again, Burp. - The winner - Franky the Thumper!
We gotta get him up! Vic, get up!
I hope you know the better man won. That stiff was outclassed. Let's have my dough.
- Why don't you get out of here? - What did you say?
- He said for you scum to get out of here! - Yeah?
- Come on! Come on, scum! - Franky!
Salami! Salami! Salami! Salami!
Come on, Franky. Come on.
Salami! Salami! Salami!
The winner. The winner! Victor, we're the winner! We're the winner!
The winner - Kid Salami! Kid Salami!
Get out of here, Rat!
All right.
- No! - It's a joke!
They're not mine!
It's a joke.
I'll be back!
- You weren't hurt? - No.
You almost threw the match? You almost blew everything?
- Yeah. - Why?
Cos I liked it better when we was just brothers.
Wait, if you were gonna lose, why did you wait till the 22nd round?
I was born on the 22nd, remember?
How's it going, Victor? How's it going?
Victor! Salami!
Salami! Salami!
Salami!