If today's game was any indication,
the Golden State Warriors are the team to beat in the playoffs.
And I'm not just saying that
because they're giving me a ride on their team jet.
Well, the next stop on the Hoop City Tour is Los Angeles.
Until then, this is totally Flex Washington saying,
Fla-dap, dude.
Your dad gets better and better the further away he gets.
You know, with your dad traveling so much,
it's like we have our own place.
We're pulling all-nighters, eating pizza three times a day,
played strip Uno.
But we haven't played strip Uno.
But we could.
Mail call!
Oh, this place is disgusting.
What is this? The Real World crack house?
Your dad told me to keep an eye on you.
Do you know how upset he would be if he saw this place?
Well, do you know how upset my dad would be if he found out
that you were wearing his $600 sweater?
It's just so soft.
Oh, hopefully my daddy sent me a check.
I spent all the money he gave me on pizza and mascara.
Ooh, but aren't my lashes luscious?
Nope.
Nothing from your dad.
And nothing from Victoria's Secret.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. I got a letter from Raffi.
That Bolivian orphan boy that I sponsor.
You sponsor somebody? On the money you make?
Yeah, take a look.
Here is a little picture of him right there.
Good looking kid.
He only costs me 25 cents a day.
Oh, Duane, you're getting ripped off.
You can have that bum on the corner for a dime.
♪ Sometimes in this life ♪
♪ You can feel all by yourself ♪ ♪ Check one, two ♪
♪ But I have a partner ♪
♪ When I can't trust no-one else ♪
♪ So don't isolate yourself ♪
♪ When there's nobody around ♪
♪ Uh-huh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'll be there through thick and thin ♪
♪ What a true love we have found ♪
♪ Me and you against the world ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Can't nobody break this bond ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Life has just begun, now we're having fun ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪
Hey, look at me. I'm Edward Pizzahands.
Arnez, quit messing around
and help me fold these clothes before my dad gets home.
I know this is going to sound crazy, but I don't think
my dad doing all this traveling for his Hoop City Tour is going to work for me.
Are you kidding?
The last weeks have been great. I wish my mom would leave town.
Yeah, but living on your own is so hard.
Cooking, cleaning...
remembering when to turn off the gas.
Wake up!
You know what? This is starting to get ridiculous.
I had more stability in my life when my daddy was with Natalie.
She always remembered to turn off the gas,
and we had the same shoe size. Oh, those were the days.
Fresh air and Manolos.
Is your dad back yet?
Raffi's coming to visit me from Bolivia and I need a few of your dad's things.
His car, his clothes and his life.
Is that Bolivia boy single?
What? A closed mouth does not get fed.
Raffi has gone from being a parentless child
in the Bolivian streets to a successful doctor
and he says he owes all his success to me.
You? Well, I guess it isn't that hard to be a doctor in Bolivia.
Very funny, but Raffi thinks that I'm a real estate developer
and have several commercial and industrial properties.
Why would he think that?
Because that's what I told him.
So just tell him the truth.
Oh, man. I can't.
I mean, Raffi has pulled himself up out of the Bolivian gutter
using my web of lies and deceit.
And those lies must go on.
All right, all right. I'll need a secretary and a man servant.
Arnez, you'll be my secretary.
Spirit, you'll be my man servant.
But I'm a girl.
What part of lies and deceit don't you understand?
Ooh, ooh. That reminds me.
I'm going to need to borrow your dad's Cartier watch.
It has just enough bling for my sting.
Hey, baby.
Oh, Daddy! Oh, I'm so glad you're home!
Me, too, but what did I walk into?
The Real World crack house?
Oh, now that you're here. I need you to go to the grocery store
and when you get back with the groceries that you bought,
I need you to make your home-made lasagne.
Oh! I'm so happy that you're home.
Now go, because I miss your cooking.
- Oh, hey, Flex. - Hey, what's up, dawg?
Oh, man. That's a tight watch there.
Oh, thank... Thank you.
Uh, Daddy? Shopping.
Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry.
I got to take a shower. I'm leaving for Miami tonight.
You're leaving again?
I know this isn't easy, sweetie, but the viewers are eating up this tour.
This could help me go national.
I know. I know. I'm very proud of you.
Not as proud as I am of you.
I mean, ever since that conference in LA,
you've proven to me that you're responsible.
And a little like your mother when it comes to house-cleaning.
[microwave dings]
Breanna, socks are done.
Ooh!
Breanna, don't dry your socks in the microwave.
That is so ghetto.
Hang them off the balcony.
Oh, OK.
I need to find a woman.
Could you say that again? Only this time slower.
For my dad, you freak.
I don't like doing laundry and cleaning up around here.
So hire a maid.
But you have to pay a maid. You don't have to pay a girlfriend.
You do if you're my dad.
[Flex] Well, I'm almost out of here.
You need anything?
Daddy, you're always worried about what I need.
What do you need?
Ooh. To run into J-Lo
in the lobby of the Miami Hilton.
You know what?
I am so glad to hear you say that
'cause I've been thinking about your social life lately
and I realized you ain't got one.
Sweetie, sit down.
Look. I like my life right now.
My career is taking off and since I'm single,
I can devote most of my time to going national.
But you don't miss having a woman in your life?
Yeah, I do miss that female companionship.
Somebody to kick back with, watch Scooby-Doo,
share a gallon of pralines and cream.
Yeah. You know what?
When I'm done touring, I'm going to look for someone.
Unless I find you one first.
OK, listen to this personal.
"Adorable, soft and gentle, looking for a strong man to cuddle with."
Are you looking for a woman or a cat?
Yeah, but look at her picture.
I think she's purrfect.
See, here's what you need to do.
We women like a man that needs a little work,
like a rundown house, so that way we can fix them up,
move in and dare him to leave us for some young condo.
Why do you women always try and change a brother?
OK, I'm going to type that my father
is a wonderful and loving man, who is still heartbroken
over his divorce. Anyone interested? Send.
All these single women and not one of them is responding?
Type in that he has a job.
[beeping]
Oh, there are so many responses!
OK, I have to screen them, pick out the best ones, meet them,
and then figure out who's best for my daddy.
Look. I'm 30-fricking-six.
I'm sick of men who can't commit,
so don't waste my time. Just tell me where this is going.
[chuckles faintly]
Well, you see, I find it very difficult to go out and meet men.
My husband watches me like a hawk.
Mmm. These home-made brownies are delicious.
They're even still warm.
But, um, I have to admit, Carol,
you look much different in your picture.
Yeah, that was taken in '56.
I've changed my hair.
I know. It sounds crazy but I really do.
Get out of here. Nobody likes housework.
It's very relaxing after a long day of shoe shopping.
Shoe shopping, you say?
Uh, is that a size six?
Good eye! [giggling]
Are you crying?
Oh, I'd really like my daddy to meet you,
but, you know, he's still a little fragile. - The divorce and all.
It's OK, Breanna. One day you'll learn, most men are fixer-uppers.
Oh, well, you'll love my daddy, 'cause he's a tear-down.
So what do you say we run into each other here,
Saturday, around one?
- I'll be here at 1:00. - OK.
By the way, what's your dad's name?
Oh, you could just call him Mr Right.
Now, while I'm in town, we are going to do some cleaning around the house.
How you manage to get spaghetti on the bathroom ceiling, I don't know.
Yeah, the Cobb salad's great here.
Ooh. Look who just walked in the door.
My friend Pamela.
Hey, wait a minute. Hot woman, my age.
You wouldn't be trying to set me up on a blind date, would you?
No, of course not. Daddy, she sees fine.
Pamela! Over here!
Oh, you been to the gym today. Burberry blast!
Hey, Pamela. I'd like you to meet my father.
Daddy, this is Pamela.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
Hey, how you doing?
You?
Flex Washington,
I can't believe you have the audacity to show your face in here.
And what a face it is.
Notice the sculpted, distinguished chocolate veneer.
Look, lady, I have never seen you before in my life.
Well, Daddy, this is Pamela, and Pamela, this is Daddy.
You have some nerve acting like you don't know me after what you did to me.
Look, Pamela, maybe you're mistaking me for someone else,
but I have no idea who you are.
Really? Well, I certainly remember meeting you.
We met in a club ten years ago.
We danced all night, and then you asked for my phone number.
Oh, come on. You're going to have to give me more than that.
I've done that a lot. I mean, come on. Look at me. Imagine me ten years ago.
You called, we went to dinner,
and then you ditched me in the middle of our date.
Daddy?!
Breanna, I don't think this is going to work out.
Oh, great! You got water all over my clothes.
Thanks a lot, Flex.
I hope there's a hand-dryer in the bathroom.
Yeah, I hope there's a deep hole you fall into.
Daddy, just because you don't remember Pamela
doesn't mean you didn't ditch her.
I mean, can you honestly say
you remember every date that you've been on?
Come on, Breanna. Now look at me. Imagine me ten...
Stop it!
Come on, Daddy. Give her the benefit of the doubt. I know her.
- How do you know her again? - How do I know her?
What kind of question is that? "How do I know her?"
She's a friend of Arnaz's mom. Yeah.
Daddy, she's perfect for you.
She loves watching sports, Scooby-Doo,
and her favorite ice cream is pralines and cream.
She's down with Scooby and the P&C?
- You really like her, huh? - Yes, Daddy.
She's everything you said you wanted in a woman.
Come on. Just give her a chance.
All right, just for you.
Look, Pamela, I'm... I'm sorry.
I really had no memory of ditching you at all,
- but now I'm glad I did it... - Daddy!
Because it gives me a perfect excuse
to take you out to dinner and make it up to you.
Ooh, and maybe a little pralines and cream for dessert?
Oh, and some other assorted Scooby snacks?
I mean, what are the odds that two people who went out ten years ago got set up
by a well-intentioned little girl?
Yeah, maybe it's fate.
Well, I guess everybody deserves a second chance.
Oh, isn't she great?!
Ooh, nice shoes.
[knocking]
- Raffi? - Foster Father?
Hey!
Come on in. Welcome to my humble abode.
This is my secretary, Arnaz and my manservant, Spirit.
[deep voice] Hello.
Nice to meet you all.
But first, I have a special surprise for you.
Oh.
Wow.
I didn't get you anything, but OK.
No, Foster Father.
Do you remember Gabriela? My soon-to-be wife?
- Oh. - But you must forgive her
because she has not yet learned the English language.
That's... OK.
We only speak one language here. And what language is that, Arnaz?
[flatly] The language of money, power and fame.
Perfect.
Come... in.
Oh, my God! Scooby Doo's my favorite cartoon, too.
I would try to stuff a whole sandwich in my mouth
just like Scooby and Shaggy did.
A whole sandwich, you say?
Well, personally, I like to nibble my sandwiches one bite at a time.
Mm, I like the way that sounds.
Kiss me.
Ooh, jumping right to dessert. I like that in a woman.
Hmm, guy's got to be crazy to ditch those lips,
and I ain't crazy.
[laughs]
Excuse me, waiter. How's your veal?
You're thinking about ordering veal?
Yeah, it's between the veal or the lamb. Is the veal tender tonight?
'Cause I like tender veal.
Tender? Why wouldn't he be tender? He's a baby cow.
He's been locked in a crate his whole life so his muscles wouldn't develop
making his flesh easier for you to chew.
How's your lamb prepared?
Well, first they fatten him up, pump him full of hormones
and then drag him to the slaughterhouse,
shove his head through a hole and all the while he's pleading,
[bleating] "No! No! No! No! No!"
[mooing] No!
Go ahead, Flex, order your steak.
Murderer.
I'll have the chicken.
Chicken?
Do you know when they kill chickens, they're angry?
When you eat that chicken, then you become the angry chicken
so that's why there's so much violence, Flex.
Angry chickens.
That's why I don't eat chicken.
Fascinating.
You know what? Excuse me for a moment. I need to use the restroom.
[glass clinking]
Hello? Anybody home?
See you can't even concentrate.
It's all those meat enzymes eating at your brain.
Is shrimp out of the question?
What was that?!
Pamela, calm down. She just dropped a napkin.
No, all up in your face dropping napkins! I ain't crazy!
Coming onto my man right in front of my face.
Pamela, I am not your man.
Oh, so my kiss hasn't even dried on your lips
and all of a sudden you're not my man?
Fascinating.
Would you excuse me for a moment? I need to use the restroom.
Foster Father, I always imagined that you lived in much larger quarters than these.
Yes, well, as manservant will tell you,
I have many homes.
Uh, he has many homes.
So, Raffi, why do you call Duane "Foster Father?"
One of the conditions that Foster Father continued to send me money
is that I call him "Foster Father."
His financial support and his inspirational letters,
he made me believe that I could change my situation.
[normal voice] This guy?
The guy who can't tie his laces so he wears Velcro shoes?
[deep voice] Sorry, El Jefe.
He also inspired me to be a better man.
And I can only be a better man with a good woman.
That's why, Foster Father,
Gabriela and I have come here
- to get married. - Oh.
And since we know that you're a busy man
if you could just write us a check, we would greatly appreciate it.
Check for what?
Our wedding, Foster Father.
Oh, your wedding. You want me to pay for your wedding.
Yes. It would be an honor.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm poor.
I'm sorry, Foster Father?
I don't work in real estate.
I sell used cars... badly.
So you have no money?
[American accent] Unfreakin' believable!
Is that Bolivian for "I forgive you, Foster Father"?
I pick one sucker to scam, and he's broke.
Come on, Trixie.
Let's go to that Make-A-Wish Foundation thing.
Start coughing.
What? You know what?
This is a sham and a mockery.
I mean, it's one thing to scam me, but a sick Bolivian girl?
Trixie, baby, do you need some money?
I got 91 cents.
I'm sorry, Daddy. She seemed so normal.
Let me guess. When you met her, you had the salad?
So you aren't mad?
Not mad.
I'm curious why the sudden interest in my love life.
Well, I'm just trying to make sure that you're happy, Daddy.
What makes you think I'm not happy?
Well, you're out on the road all alone, no-one to take care of you.
You're like a blues song waiting to be sung.
Baby, don't worry about me.
I'm having the time of my life.
Are you sure?
Being out there doesn't get lonely?
Missing the way things were?
You know if I didn't know any better, I might think you're missing me.
Me missing you?
Please! Me missing you.
Breanna, you're repeating everything I say.
Repeating everything you say? Me?
Look, sweetie, if you want me to stay here,
I will gladly drop what I'm doing to do that.
You're more important to me than any sports story I could cover.
Daddy, we don't hold each other back.
We push each other forward.
So, go, Daddy, go.
- No, you go. - No, you go.
- You go! - You go!
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hey, Geraldine.
In two hours?
Yeah, I can have my bags packed.
Sweetie, they want me to go to Dallas.
You're OK with that, right?
Go, Daddy, go.
Thanks, baby.
Hello. Oh, yeah, it's going to be great.
Oh, I would love to help in your international relief efforts,
and I hope that this money in some small way helps you
get your daughter over from... Where'd you say you were from?
Uh... Canada.
- The horror! - Thank you.
Did he buy it?
No, he saw right through it. Didn't give me a dime.
- I love you, Daddy. - Love you, too, Netta.