公眾號"舍爾影音"翻譯壓制
沒事的
It's okay.
你會愛上學校的
You're gonna love it.
開學快樂
Happy first day of school.
拜 甜心
Bye, sweetie.
- 嗨 - 嗨
- Hi! - Hi.
嘿 我是薩姆
Hey. I'm Sam.
嗨 我是朱莉
Hi. I'm Julie.
- 拜 - 拜 老媽
- Bye. - Bye, Mom.
我是亨特
I'm Hunter.
我的薩姆在那
Sam's mine right there.
戴眼鏡的那個
The one with the glasses.
我是麗莎
I'm Lisa.
那是我的朱莉
That's my Julie.
我是米切爾
I'm Mitchell.
凱拉的英雄父親
Kayla's hero.
噢 你還好吧
Oh, are you okay?
- 還好 沒事 - 你是在哭嗎
- Yeah, yeah. - You crying?
沒有 今天是個很重要的日子而已
No, man, it's a... big day, that's all.
- 是啊 - 唔 請問我能要張紙巾嗎
- Yeah. - You know, can I have a tissue, please?
- 好 可以 - 謝謝
- Yeah, yeah. - Thank you.
- 對我們來說今天是個大日子 - 對啊
- It's a big day for all of us. - Yeah.
謝謝
Thanks.
快 我們走吧
Come on, let's go!
我覺得我們女兒成好朋友了
I think our daughters are friends.
- 我太激動了 - 我也是
- I'm so excited! - Me, too.
那我想這意味著我們也是朋友了
And I think that means we're friends.
要不我們一起去喝一杯
Should we go get a drink?
你還好吧
You okay?
- 我還好 - 還行
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- 嗯 - 你們想去喝一杯嗎
- Yeah. - Do you guys want to go get a drink?
只是 啊 他們做到了
Just... Ah, they made it.
你們想去喝一杯嗎
You guys want to go grab a drink real quick?
他是在問我們想不想去喝一杯嗎
Is he asking us if we want to go grab a drink?
我希望是喝咖啡
I'm really hoping it's coffee.
- 啊 那真 - 別騙人了
- Aah! That's so... - Shut the fuck up.
萬圣節快樂
Happy Halloween!
我能從家看見俄國
I can see Russia from my house.
- 紅蠟糖 - 紅蠟糖
- Red Vines! - Red Vines!
紅蠟糖
Red Vines!
這就對了
That's right!
嘿 嘿 亨特 滾開
Hey, hey, Hunter, get out, man.
系好安全帶
Put your seat belts on!
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God!
- 驚喜嗎 - 意外嗎
- Surprise! - Surprise!
不是吧 多謝你了 老媽
No way! Thank you, Mom!
愛死你了
Thank you so much!
小心點噢
Be careful.
你會想念我們
You're probably gonna miss these mornings
在一起的早晨 對吧
that we spend together, right?
別這樣 我都要被你弄哭了
Stop. You're gonna make me cry.
而我不想哭 今晚是舞會
And I don't want to cry, because it's prom night.
今晚本應該是個一生中
And it's supposed to be like, the most magical night
最特別的夜晚 還有, 那個
of your life and, you know,
我只是很擔心
I'm just so anxious about it.
好吧 如果你覺得焦慮就打電話給我
Well, call me if you feel anxious.
或者和我視頻聊天 如果不吵的話
Or maybe FaceTime me, if it wasn't too loud.
我是說 如果太吵 你可以
I mean, if it was too loud, you could just...
就隨便跳跳波浪舞
we could wave or whatever.
那會很好笑
That'd be funny.
然后我 你知道我在想什么嗎
And then I can do... You know what I was thinking?
你應該一整晚都發些照片給我
You should send me photos throughout the night.
也不是 一整晚
Like, not... not, like, all night long,
但是你能每30分鐘發的話
but if you could do it like every 30 minutes or so,
那我就可以搞個合集
then I can put together one of those iBooks.
- 那會很有趣的 - 好吧
- That would be so fun. - Yeah.
那會很
That would be a really...
我想你不會后悔的
I don't think you would regret that.
- 媽 - 怎么了
- Mom? - Mm-hmm?
我上大學你會好好的吧
Are you gonna be okay when I go to college?
誰 我嗎
Who, me?
當然
Yeah.
我
Me?
什么鬼
What?
少來
Pl-Please.
別想讓我
Don't even get me...
別想
Don't even...
別
Please.
好啦 拜 媽
Okay, bye, Mom!
- 好吧 拜 - 愛你哦
- Okay, bye. - I love you.
我也愛你
Okay, I love you.
噢 真棒 你洗好衣服了
Oh, good, you did the laundry.
是啊 還搞定了這個安靜的小寶寶
Yeah, and got a totally sleepy, happy baby.
全面發展的多才多藝好男人
Full-blown Renaissance man.
- 噢 - 相信我
- Oh. - Believe it.
而且好在她入睡了
It's a good thing she's asleep too.
我在洗衣服的時候
I was going through the laundry.
- 嗯哼 - 找到了一些新丁字褲
- Uh-huh. - Found these new thongs.
你知道我要干嘛嗎
You know what I'm gonna do with these?
呼叫口活醫生 需要你
Paging Dr. Muff Diver. Dr. Muff Diver, you're needed
馬上來手術室
in the O.R. immediately.
急診手術 今晚晚些時候
Emergency surgery. Later on tonight,
我要用我的牙齒撕爛它
I'm tearing these off with my teeth
1945年動畫片《Billy Boy》里的山羊什么都吃
像部老動畫片比利山羊一樣
like an old-school cartoon billy goat.
親愛的
Honey.
米切爾
Mitchell.
那是你女兒的
Those are your daughter's.
不可能 凱拉穿釘鞋還有芝加哥熊隊運動衫
No way. Kayla wears cleats and Bears jerseys,
不穿這些脫衣舞娘的內內
not some dirty stripper underwear.
你以為這是我的?
You thought they were mine.
怎么 就只是我給她零用錢嗎
What, am I giving her allowance in singles?
去告訴她不能穿這些
Go tell her she can't wear these.
告訴她那些把她搞不孕不育的
Tell her they'll make her sterile,
就像筆記本電腦把我兄弟的蛋蛋搞殘了一樣
like with the laptop and my brother's balls.
我們還不確定你兄弟出了什么事
We're not sure that's what happened with your brother.
親愛的 你現在很荒唐
Honey, you're being ridiculous.
凱拉正在成長為女人
Kayla's becoming a woman.
現在不是緊緊控制她的時候 是時候放手了
This isn't the time to tighten your grip; it's the time to loosen it.
這就叫緊緊控制 這才叫緊緊控制
This? This means we tighten the grip.
這不是為了舒服才創造的 這是為了速度與激情
This isn't built for comfort; it's built for speed.
我們需要剎車 這不是去幼兒園的車
We need to slow it the fuck down.
擋板裝好后才裝電器
The appliances go in after the backsplash.
我們都一直這么做
We've done it the same way every time.
嗯哼 好 讓他接電話
Uh-huh. All right, put him on the phone.
我在衛生間
I'm in the bathroom.
多謝了 我一直在找這玩意兒
Thanks. I was looking for that.
介意告訴我這是什么嗎
You mind telling me what this is?
- 嗯 絨毛 - 是啊
- Uh, fuzz. - Yeah.
對 絨毛 一開始我也這么想,
Yeah, fuzz. That's what I thought it was,
然后我仔細觀察
and then upon further investigation,
這明顯是拆散的香煙濾嘴
it is clearly an unraveled filter of a cigarette.
凱拉 你吸煙了
Kayla, are you a... a smoker?
什么 不是
What? No.
我不是煙民 老爸
Not a smoker, Dad.
嘿 難道你沒看那么多廣告告訴你
Hey, haven't you seen the billions of ads that tell you
- 不要吸煙 - 老爸
- not to do this stuff? - Dad!
你不能教別人說別嘗試 好嗎
You can't teach someone not to try things okay?
那就是嘗試的意義啊 給你教訓
That's what trying things is for... to teach you things.
這自相矛盾
It's a contradiction.
這就像告訴我
It's like telling me
當我都已經給了個不錯的回傳
not to go for a triple on a base hit to the gap
就別再因為球擊到外野區之間就想著來個三壘安打
when I've made a good turn around first
而且我知道右外野手是個弱雞
and I know that the right fielder has a weak arm.
該死 你真聰明
Damn it, you're smart.
好吧
Okay. Yeah all right.
是時候準備上學了 老爸
Time to get ready for school, Dad.
好
Okay, all right.
朱莉 薩姆
Julie Sam
嘿 妹子
Hey, girl!
哇
Whoa!
- 我差點就掛了 - 舞會之夜欸
- I almost died. - Prom night!
舞會
Prom!
我特別特別緊張
I'm so, so excited.
噢 我也是
Oh, me, too.
嗯 我愛你
Mm. I love you.
我也愛你
I love you, too.
夠了
All right.
- 我們好惡心 - 我知道
- We're so gross. - I know.
大家都在看著我們
People are looking at us.
- 我不管 - 我們最好得到
- I don't care. - We better get
年鑒的"最佳情侶"稱號
"cutest couple" in the yearbook.
我要愛愛了
I'm having sex.
太棒了
That's great.
我要喝湯
I'm having soup.
不是
No.
我是說今晚和奧斯汀
Tonight with Austin.
- 等等 你終于要做了 - 是啊
- Wait, you're finally gonna do it? - Yeah.
我想著 我們在一起六個月了
I mean, you know, we've been dating for six months,
而且我們很相愛
and we love each other,
還有我很尷尬地被兒科醫生
and I just awkwardly got my pediatrician
要求節育
to put me on birth control.
她給了我張貼紙
She gave me a sticker.
其實是兩張 因為我表現好 所以
Two because I was good, so...
我知道這有點老套什么的 但是
I know it's, like, kind of corny or whatever, but it just
這是舞會之夜
seems like prom night...
算是完美的日子 知道吧
it's kind of perfect, you know?
我們要
We're gonna have, like,
暗暗的燈光還有撒玫瑰花瓣在床上
dim lighting and rose petals on the bed
還有每次我經過沃爾格林藥房時
and the scent from that candle that gets me horny
蠟燭散發出的香氣讓我感到性奮
every time I pass it in Walgreens.
是蠟燭都讓我性奮
All candles get me horny.
我會看著奧斯汀的雙眼
I'm gonna look into Austin's eyes,
然后他也會看著我的雙眼
and then he's gonna look into mine,
然后我們就
and then we're gonna, like,
互相觸摸著臉頰
touch each other's faces, you know
久久不停下
For, like, a long time.
一直摸著
Like, a long time.
互相親密聯結
Just to, like, connect.
然后我們就嘿嘿嘿
And then we're gonna...
爽
Kapow.
好吧 不管了 我也來
All right, fuck it, I'm in.
- 啥玩意 - 我也做
- What? - I'm in.
今晚我也要愛愛
I'm having sex tonight too.
呃 就這樣決定了
Uh... just like that?
是啊, 為什么不呢
Yeah. I mean, why not?
因為這是你第一次
Because it's your first time,
而你第一次應該特殊完美
and your first time should be special and perfect.
你的可以特殊完美
Yours can be special and perfect.
我的就今晚和那哥們
Mine is gonna be tonight and with that dude.
這些只是核仁巧克力餅而已 也不是什么
Yeah, they're just brownies. They're not, like...
康納·奧德里奇 你實驗搭檔
Connor Aldrich? Your lab partner?
- 是啊 怎么了 - 你都沒和他泡過
- Yeah. What? - You haven't even hooked up with him.
你還沒見過他的那個
You haven't even seen his thing yet.
萬一很怪異呢
What if he has a weird one?
那東西都很怪異
They're all weird.
小雞雞都不是用來看的
Penises are not for looking at.
它們是拿來用的 就像活塞
They're for use. They're like plungers.
聽好 我體育生的日子結束了
Listen, my student athlete days are over.
今晚將是我成年生活的開端
Tonight is the beginning of my adult life,
至于第一次我想怎么做就怎么做
and for the first time I can do whatever I want.
所以我想去舞會 喝醉
So I want to go to prom, get drunk,
吸大麻還有破他娘的處
get potted up on weed and lose my goddamn virginity.
我們的破處紀念日都會在同一天
We're gonna have the same first-time-sex anniversary.
我們可以一起去吃飯紀念
We can go to dinner every year and commemorate it.
- 橄欖園餐廳 - 對 橄欖園餐廳
- Olive Garden. - Yes! Olive Garden.
面包條當然要一輩子都吃 娘的
Breadsticks for life, bitch.
- 耶 - 噢 天啦嚕 這會是
- Yeah! - Oh, my God, it is gonna be
多么欣慰我們在上大學前就干了
such a relief to get this over and done with before college.
嗯 不 我是說
Um, no, I mean, like...
沒有 沒事
No, it's cool.
我只是覺得我還沒準備好
I just don't think I'm there yet.
今晚也許我和查德
You know, maybe something might happen tonight
會發生些什么
with me and Chad, but, uh,
但我不認為會是愛愛
I don't think sex is gonna be that thing.
薩姆
Sam?
但是你不可能知道會發生什么啊
But you never know what could happen.
也許我內分泌性激素
I mean, maybe my inner sexual Smaug
會散發出來并顯耀神威
will emerge from its keep and spread its mighty wings.
我一直都不知道你在說什么鬼
I never know what you're talking about.
對 我 也是
Yeah, I... me, neither.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God.
朱莉 是你嗎
Julie, is that you?
太逼真了
So realistic.
噢 天哪
Ugh. God.
快 薩姆 我們等著呢
Come on, Sam, we're waiting.
就來了
Be right there!
- 終于來了 - 好了 花了我20分鐘
- There she is. - All right, took me 20 minutes
去搞清楚怎么用這玩意兒錄像
to figure out how to do video on this thing,
但我現在知道了
but I finally got it.
噢
Oh!
不 搞成自拍了
Nope. Took a picture of myself.
Siri 請錄像
Siri, video, please.
哇 查德就要在他燕尾服褲
Wow! That Chad is going to rip
支起小帳篷了
through his little tuxedo pants.
- 老媽 你好惡啊 - 什么
- Mom. That's gross. - What?
- 怎么了 - 因為你幾乎就是在想象
- Why? - 'Cause you're practically imagining
你女兒愛愛
your daughter in sexual congress.
你個變態
You sicko.
啊
Ah!
我只是想和你交流
I was just trying to connect with you.
你都不和我們說話了
You never talk to us anymore.
- 嘿 讓我來 - 好吧
- Hey, I got this. - Okay.
舞會之夜 哼
Prom night, huh?
我舞會那晚也很可悲
I got sad and reflective on my prom night, too.
- 是嗎 - 是啊 我怕我在也不能
- You were? - Yeah. I was scared I wasn't
和那幾個一直玩的家伙
gonna stay friends with the guys I had
做好朋友了 但是我能夠
been around most of my life, but I was able to...
- 嘿 親愛的 我愛你 - 怎么了
- Hey, baby, I love you so much. - What?
你嚇著她了
You just really freaked her out.
甜心 如果你很擔心的話
Sweetie, if you're worried about that at all,
別 沒必要
just know you shouldn't be.
你不會和高中同學一直做朋友的
You never stay friends with people from high school.
我認識最久的朋友也只是工作認識的簡
I mean, the oldest friend I have is Jan from work,
也就認識3個月而已
and I've known her for three months.
- 誰是簡 - 你認識的啊 親愛的
- Who's Jan? - You know Jan, babe.
她畫那些蠢卡通
She draws those silly cartoons.
- 噢 種族歧視簡 - 對 就是她
- Oh, racist Jan. - Yeah, that's the one.
今天的你不會決定未來的你
Who you are today is not who you're going to be.
沒關系的
And that's okay.
- 說得好 - 你會變成特別不同的你
- That's good therapy. - And who you become will be so different
連你朋友都不認識你
that your friends won't understand you anymore,
然后你就會清醒意識到
and then you will wake up and realize
這些友誼的船翻了
these friendships are over.
就感覺想個痛苦的離婚
This feels like a very painful divorce,
就像和你爸那樣
just like the one I had with your father,
但是你會找到新的命中注定
but then you'll find a Frank.
呃 多謝 但我想說的是
Uh, I appreciate that, but that's not my deal.
我和那幾個哥們還玩得來
I'm still cool with a lot of my boys
因為在舞會那晚 我 丹尼斯 馬特還有科里
because on prom night, me, Dennis, Matt and Cory
說服了我們的朋友史蒂夫去參軍
all convinced our friend Steve to join the Army.
他參加過海灣戰爭
He fought in the Persian Gulf War.
死了
He died right away.
但是你一旦經歷過
But once you go through
那種經歷 你們就從此熟識一生
something like that, you're bonded for life.
深厚且有意義的友誼的基礎
The bedrock of deep, meaningful friendships
就是有共同經歷
is shared experience.
我以為史蒂夫是后備軍
I thought they were gonna put him in the Reserves.
這是什么鬼
That is some horseshit.
嗯
Hmm.
哇
Wow.
你看起來真美
You look so beautiful.
轉個身
Turn around.
哇
Wow.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my goodness.
哇
Wow.
那舞會結束后有什么計劃嗎
So, what's the big plan for after prom?
呃 我們打算去奧斯汀那
Uh, we're just going
to Austin's.
你真的喜歡他 是吧
You really like him, huh?
是啊 他
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's...
他挺酷的 不嚴肅
Yeah, he's cool. It's not, like, serious or anything.
他媽告訴我他進了加州大學洛杉磯分校
His mom told me he got into UCLA.
- 挺不錯的啊 - 是啊 不錯
- That's nice. - Yeah, I mean, it's good.
你還記得
You remember that time when, like,
我也考慮過加州大學洛杉磯分校嗎
I thought about going to UCLA?
記得 那太瘋狂了
Yes. That would have been crazy.
那會是最糟糕的決定
That would have been the worst mistake ever.
我不覺得有多大錯誤吧
I don't think it would have been that huge of a mistake.
嗯 會 絕對會
Uh, yes, it would have.
芝加哥大學就不錯啊
University of Chicago is perfect.
45分鐘車程
It's 45 minutes away.
即使你是走了 但是也不算走遠了
So that way you're gone, but you're not "gone" gone.
但是我就是走了啊
But I'm gone.
是 但不像是 走遠了
Right, but not, like, gone.
是啊 但是我是去上大學
Right, but, like, I'm going to college,
我不會住在家的
and, like, I'm not gonna live at home,
所以 我就是 走了
so I'm, like... I'm gone.
嗯
Mm-hmm.
我胸怎么辣么大
Why are my boobs so big
- 凱拉 準備好了嗎? - 好了
- Ready, Kayla - Yup.
開始
And now...
站直一米七
...standing at five foot, seven inches...
如果算上高跟鞋的話就是一米七五
five, nine if you count the heels...
直奔五大湖高中
straight out of Great Lakes High School,
舞會上最漂亮的妹子
the prettiest girl in all of prom...
凱拉 曼內斯
Kayla Mannes!
嗯 以后擊掌就好了
Uh... just high fives from now on.
- 好 - 噢 親愛的 我從未想過
- Okay. - Oh, honey, I never thought
能看見你穿裙子
I'd see you in a dress.
嚴格來說 這不是裙子
Technically, it's not a full dress.
那中間少了點布料
Some material is missing from the middle there.
好吧
Okay.
你看起來美極了
You look great.
好了
All right.
好 是時候出發了
Yeah, I think it's time to go.
好.
Yes. Yeah.
親愛的 我們得走了
Honey, we got to go.
親愛的?
Honey
老爸 你還好吧?
Dad, are you okay
就像他看"冰雪奇緣"一樣
It's like when he watched "Frozen".
走吧
Come on.
嗨 你好
Hi. How are you?
- 嗨 - 嗨 你好
- Hi. - Hi. How are you
噢 薩姆
Oh, Sam.
嗨 瑪茜
Hi, Marcie.
噢 噢 噢
Oh. Oh, oh.
- 嘿 米切爾 - 嘿 好久不見
- Hey, Mitchell. - Hey. Haven't seen you in a while.
- 是啊 - 我很擔心你啊
- Yeah. - You know, I was worried
一直沒收到你回信談談熱瑜伽
when I never heard back from you about hot yoga.
打你電話很多次了
Called you a bunch of times.
- 結果現在我迷上買一送一團購了 - 噢 好吧
- I ended up having to eat that two-for-one Groupon. - Oh, yeah.
我不太做什么熱瑜伽的
I don't really do the hot yoga thing.
- 只是 - 好吧 不過我們得敘敘舊 對吧
- It's just... - Well, we should catch up, though, right?
- 是啊 - 也許吃餐飯 我也不知道
- Yeah. - Like a lunch. I don't know.
也還行 到時打我電話
Yeah, maybe. Yeah, give me a call.
- 我一直有在打啊 - 呃
- I've been calling you. - Mm-hmm.
沒用
Doesn't work.
你又不回
It's not effective.
我都不知道 等一下
I don't even know. Wait, wait, wait.
- 噢 天啦嚕 多謝 - 你們等下
- Oh, my gosh, thank you. - You guys, you guys.
瓦倫西亞濾鏡
Wait, this is, like, the best lighting
的燈光效果是最棒的 等下
with the Valencia filter, so wait, wait.
噢 天啦嚕 好了 開始
Oh, God. All right, here we go.
- 耶 好了 夠了 - 再來一張
- Yeah, okay, that's enough. - One more.
- 夠了 - 噢 天啦嚕
- We're good. - Oh, my God.
開趴啊
We need to get this party started.
- 噢 朱莉 - 嗯
- Ooh! Okay, Julie. - Hmm?
我有東西給你
I got you something.
椰油
It's coconut oil.
潤滑用
For lube.
我聽說挺不錯
I hear it works just as well
口起來就像吃杏仁椰肉牛奶巧克力
and it makes blow jobs taste like Almond Joy.
謝天謝地 還好不是椰肉黑巧克力
Thank God it doesn't taste like Mounds.
我寧愿吃十只小雞雞也不吃椰肉黑巧克力
I'd rather eat ten dicks than one Mound.
- 嗯 - 多謝 太好了
- Mm. - But thank you. That's so sweet.
- 噢 - 嗷
- Oh! - Aw!
- 噢 天啦嚕 我太激動了 - 我也是
- Oh, my God, I'm so excited. - Me, too.
- 噢 天啦嚕 - 你要馬上短信告訴我
- Oh, my God! - You have to text me, like, right away.
噢 天了嚕 我們竟然同時干那個
Oh, my God, we're gonna be doing it at the same time.
噢 天啦嚕 我們明天要好好談談
Oh, my God. We have to talk about it tomorrow.
對對對 每個細節都講
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, every detail.
- 一定有好多事要說 - 妹子們
- There's gonna be so much to talk about. - Guys?
嘿 妹子們
Hey, guys.
我也想加入愛愛協議
I want in on this sex pact.
你確定嗎 你不一定因為我們干你也干的
Are you sure? You don't have to do this just because we are.
不 不是那么一回事
No, that's not why.
我想愛愛 沒錯
I want to have sex. Yeah.
那是我們的共同點了
That's something all three of us have in common.
- 嗯 - 查德會
- Mm-hmm. - Chad is gonna
用他小弟弟拍打我屁屁
tap that ass with his penis.
我不確定會不會第一次后門 但是
And I doubt we'll have anal the first time, but...
- 好了 - 這會讓今晚
- All right. - This is gonna make tonight
- 更完美 - 是啊
- even more perfect. - Yeah.
- 我們三個 - 耶
- It's gonna be the three of us! - Yes!
舞會之夜啊 混蛋們
Prom night, motherfuckers!
耶 魯迪 就來了
Yeah! Rudy, it's coming up.
左轉 哥們
Bear left, bro.
耶 天 魯迪
Yeah! Jesus, Rudy.
什么鬼 耶
What the fuck? Yeah
噢 天啦嚕 是我操蛋的爸
Oh, my God, it's my fucking dad.
耶 舞會之夜 兔崽子們
Yeah! Prom night, bitches!
- 耶 - 噢 天啦嚕 是他
- Yeah - Oh, God, it's him.
噢 怎么樣啊 喲
Oh, what's up? Yo!
Taio Cruz的"Dynamite"
Taio Cruz.
- 你能搞定的 妹子 - 別搞砸了
- You got this, girl. - Don't mess this up,
因為那豪華轎車非常帥
because that limo is totally awesome.
薩姆 薩姆
Sam. Sam.
Taio Cruz的歌喔
Taio Cruz.
呼
Whew!
抱歉
Sorry.
抱歉 吼
Sorry. Ho!
呼
Whew!
你長大了
You're so grown up.
爸 你來這干嘛
Dad, what are you doing here
你覺得我會錯過你這人生中
You think I'm gonna miss the most important night
最重要的晚上嗎
of your young life?
- 畢業才是最重要的 - 不是
- That's graduation. - No.
畢業典禮是為屌絲準備的
Graduation's for losers.
我畢業我都沒去
Didn't even go to my graduation.
但是舞會 那才很重要
But prom night... that's a big one.
舞會是我一生中最棒的夜晚
Prom was the best night of my life.
我天天想著那晚
I think about it every day,
我想你也體驗到那種經歷
and I want you to have the same experience.
今晚好好玩 別管什么
Tonight, you have fun. You don't worry
你媽或者弗蘭克定下的規矩
about any rules that your mom or Frank laid down.
鳥都不鳥他
No one gives a fuck about Frank.
我只知道 你看起來棒極了
All I know is this... you look amazing,
我想拍個照
and I would love to grab a quick pic.
不要 去和其他家長一起涼快去
No. Go stand with the other parents,
還有正常點
and try to be normal.
薩姆 我不是什么正常家長 我不會
Sam, I'm not a normal parent. I'm not gonna...
我只是 我他媽連
Just... I don't even fucking...
- 我去 你請來了亨特 - 不 當然沒有
- Holy shit, you invited Hunter? - No, of course not.
自從他和布倫達離婚后我都沒和他聊過
I haven't talked to him since he and Brenda got divorced.
- 你知道他一直打電話給我么 - 什么
- You know he calls me all the time? - What?
他想玩飛鏢 我又不玩飛鏢
He wants to play darts. I don't play darts.
- 飛鏢 - 逗我呢吧
- Darts? - You kidding me?
- 總之 我不能和他一起玩耍 - 噢
- Anyway, I can't hang out with him. - Oh!
- 我會被牽連的 - 不
- I'll be guilty by association. - No, no.
我永遠不會忘記那個該死的保姆
I will never forgive that babysitter fucker.
- 嘿 亨特 - 嘿 見到你真好
- Hey, Hunter. - Hey, man. Good to see you.
- 怎么樣 - 嘿 還好吧
- What up? - Hey, all right?
Mwah
Mwah!
啊
Ah.
你不是還有個女兒嗎
Did you have another daughter?
是的 我有 多謝
I did. I did. Thank you.
- 這 太好了 - 是啊
- It's... it's been wonderful. - Yeah.
我想再婚生子
I'm thinking about doing that again.
第二人生什么的
You know, the whole second round.
我覺得很多當爹的
I think a lot of dads kind of
都看好二胎
get it right the second time around.
或者也可以
Or, you know, you could
好好養你現在的孩子
just raise the one that you have.
我有啊 不過太晚了
Well, I did. Too late for that.
撫養了 完工 嗨 親愛的
Raised. Job done. Hi, honey.
事實上 我聽說
Actually, I heard,
如果你花多點時間
if you spend a significant amount
和你孩子們一起 會和他們發展出
of time with your children, that you develop
一種心靈感應
some kind of, like, telekinetic bond with them.
- 真的嗎 - 我聽說過
- Is that true? - I've heard. Mm-hmm.
可別 不然
I hope it's not true, 'cause if it is,
薩姆就看了好多亞洲小電影
Sam has been looking at a lot of Asian porn.
我老婆就是亞洲人
My wife's Asian.
印度的
Indian.
那就是亞洲人
That's Asian.
更像是 呃
This is more like, uh...
看起來像 典型亞洲人
It looks like when... the typical Asian.
- 很高興見到你 - 嗯 好吧
- Yep, good seeing you, man. - Uh, okay.
很高興見到你 你知道我想說什么
Good to see you, brother. You know what I mean.
他是誰 你是誰
Who's this guy? Who are you?
老爸 他是我舞伴
Dad, this is my date.
嗨 很榮幸見到你 先生
Hi. Uh, it's great to meet you, sir.
- 我-我是康納 - 康納和我
- I'm-I'm Connor. - Connor and I...
我們一起上科學課
we're in the same science class.
我們是實驗搭檔
We're lab partners.
是啊 我們搞化學的(我們在嘗試擦出愛情的火花)
Yeah, we're working on our chemistry.
呃
Uh...
嗯 我去拿張餐巾 如果可以的話
Um, I'm gonna get a napkin, if that's cool.
好
Okay.
好吧 那
Okay, so, uh...
用這個 往腹股溝捅一刀拔出來
with this, it's, uh, one shot to the groin, stab and drag.
我不敢相信她找不到比那屌絲更好的男人
I refuse to believe she couldn't do better than that loser.
噢 我覺得查德還好啊
Oh, I think Chad seems nice.
查德 不 查德很棒
Chad? No, Chad's amazing.
- 看看那軟呢帽 - 是啊
- Look at that fedora. - Yeah.
我不是在說查德
I'm not talking about Chad.
我在說狗日的弗蘭克 真是個狗屌
I'm talking about fucking Frank. What a dick.
我看弗蘭克不狗屌啊
Frank does not seem like a dick to me.
他看起來挺不錯的
He seems like a nice guy.
知道吧 也不怪布倫達
And you know what? Don't blame Brenda.
一個人很辛苦的
It's really hard being alone.
各留己見吧
Well, let's just agree to disagree on Frank.
噢 他們來了 好 別緊張
Oh, here they come. Okay, just be cool.
他肯定要談他卡車公司了
He's gonna talk about his tow truck company instantly.
他保證他肯定要甩我一臉
I guarantee you he's gonna throw that shit in my face.
別緊張 冷靜
Be cool, be cool, be cool.
布倫達
Brenda.
亨特
Hunter.
弗蘭克
Frank.
- 麗莎 - 我怎么了
- Lisa. - What'd I do?
不好意思 我也不知道干嘛那樣叫你
I'm sorry. I don't know why I just said your name like that.
這派對很棒 多謝
This is so nice. Thank you.
不客氣
You're welcome.
好
Okay.
不不不 麗莎 麗莎 麗莎
Oh, no, no, no, no. Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis, Lis.
- 我去拿朱莉的披肩 - 嗯
- I got to go get Julie's wrap. - Mm.
你要讓女兒
Were you gonna let our daughter
坐拼車去舞會
take a fucking Lyft to prom?
什么鬼 這里是阿富汗嗎
What is this, Afghanistan?
亨特 你哪來的錢搞到那豪華轎車的
How'd you pay for that limo, Hunter?
我知道你的貸款都堆上天了
'Cause I know your credit's in the shitter.
是啊
It is.
因為給你媽買了張輪椅
'Cause I bought your mom a wheelchair.
她會給回你錢的
She's gonna pay you back.
布倫達 用什么還 難道用
With what money, Brenda? Can she pay me back
她從餐廳偷來的餅干
with crackers that she steals from restaurants?
我不想談你媽
I don't want to talk about your mom.
我也不想談什么輪椅
I don't want to talk about her wheelchair.
我只在乎我女兒
All I care about is that my daughter
能有最棒的一晚
has the greatest night of her life.
沒有你的今晚才是最棒的一晚
If it was her greatest night, you would not be here.
挺"會"說的啊
Oh, what a sick burn.
好了 好了 好了
All right, all right, all right.
- 好 - 等等 大家. 我們都是成年人
- Good. - Yo, wait, yo, yo. We're all adults here.
你要繼續呆在這就別再搞得不愉快了
Let's not make it uncomfortable if you're gonna be around more.
- 有空喝酒 - 聽好 首先
- Let's have a beer sometime. - Okay, first of all,
我不想和你喝酒
I don't want to go to have a beer with you.
我不想和你玩耍 我不喜歡你
I don't want to hang out with you. I don't like you.
我也不喜歡你老婆 我不管你們搞什么鬼
I don't like your wife. I don't like your guys' deal.
遜爆了 沒什么有趣的
I think it sucks and it's played out.
嘿 如果你改變主意了 這是我名片
Hey, if you ever change your mind, here's my card.
啊 來了 "弗蘭克拖車"
Ah, here we go. "Tow with Frank."
你怎么想到這破名字的
Where'd you come up with that name?
- 很直截了當啊 - 好 我和你說
- It's very straightforward. - All right, I'll tell you this.
這名片設計不錯
The design of that card is pretty cool.
我最喜歡的地方就是滾回去那
And my favorite part is right fucking there.
噢 老天
Oh, God.
哇 真 不 拍到我們了 弗蘭克
Wow, that is just... No, that's us, Frank.
- 知道嗎 - 我搞得定
- You know what? - I got it. I got it.
你他媽差不多自拍15張了
You've taken about 15 goddamn selfies.
- 耶 - 好了
- Yeah! - All right.
好了 行
All right. Cool.
拜 老媽
Bye, Mom.
- 玩得開心 親愛的 - 好的
- Have fun, honey. Okay. - I will.
拜 老爸
Bye, Dad.
記得 捅 轉 抽
Remember... stab, turn, drag.
我沒帶刀 老爸
I don't have the knife, Dad.
有 帶了 看看你手拿包
Yes, you do. Check your clutch.
嘿 呃 我很榮幸 先生
Hey, uh, it's been a pleasure, sir.
真的 我很榮幸
I really, um, it's... I'm honored.
噢
Oh.
好熱情的握手
Intense, professional grip.
謝了
Cheers.
放松點 老大
Take it easy, big guy.
嘿 呃 今晚你們也玩得開心
Hey, uh, you guys have a good night, too, you know.
多謝
Thank you.
看見那傻笑沒 竟然傻笑
See that smirk? What was up with that smirk?
你太多慮了
You are intense.
- 薩姆 嘿 - 噢 嘿 洛克伍德先生
- Sam. Hey. - Oh, hey, Mr. Lockwood.
- 嘿 - 很高興見到你
- Hey. - Nice to meet you.
- 查德 過來 抱一下 - 好
- Chad, yes, come on, man. Bring it in. - Yes. Oh.
好
Good. Yeah.
我帽子
My hat.
- 我想和薩姆談談 - 好
- I want to talk to Sam real quick. - Yeah. Okay.
呃 幫我拍張照 查德
Uh, let-let me get a picture real quick. Chad.
- 噢 行 - 很快的
- Oh. Okay. - Real quick photo. Just so fast.
別管什么濾鏡
Just don't even fuck with a filter.
- 就普普通通拍張照 - 好了
- Just-just plain. - Okay. Here we go.
- 好了 又來一張 - 你能幫我和查德
- There we go. And there. - And then you want to get
也拍張照嗎
a quick one of me and Chad real quick?
- 聽起來不錯 - 來吧
- That sounds cool. - Here you go.
- 好 行 - 薩姆 好了 寶貝
- Okay. - Yep. - Sammy, here you go, baby.
很快 一張搞笑的
Real quick. Just a couple fun ones.
怎么做 呃 這樣
What are we doing? Uh... like this?
哥們
Bros.
噘嘴
Duck lips.
來張
And then just kind of a...
朱莉
Julie?
我能和你談談嗎
Can I talk to you a second?
我們得出發了 愛你喔
We got to go. I love you.
我真得和你聊聊
I'd really like to talk to you.
但是我要走了
But I really gotta go.
好吧 別忘記披肩
Okay, fine. Just don't forget your wrap.
沒事的
It's okay.
- 我不需要 - 你確定
- I don't think I need it. - Are you sure?
我們住在芝加哥 挺冷的
Because we live in Chicago, and it's chilly.
其他地方我不知道
I don't know about other places,
伊利諾伊州就會變冷的
but it gets cold in Illinois.
今晚沒那么冷的 所以我應該不用
It's not that cold tonight, so I don'tthink I need it, okay?
好吧 朱莉 等下
Okay, Julie, wait.
舞會后你到奧斯汀那會打電話給我的 對吧
So you'll call me when you get to Austin's after prom, right?
對
Right.
好
Okay.
- 好 - 愛你喔
- Okay. - I love you.
好 我愛你
Okay. I-I love you.
好啦
Okay!
呼
Whew.
嗯 好
Mm. Okay.
帥呆了
This is so cool!
發泄吧
Blow it out!
查德 我
Chad, I, um...
我看見你去年唱Pippin的歌
I saw you do Pippin last year.
- 唱得不錯 - 噢 多謝
- That was really good. - Oh. Nice.
是啊 你是個很棒的歌手
Yeah, you're a really good singer, man.
- 今年唱什么 - 呃 我們打算
- What are you doing this year? - Yeah. Um, we're actually
唱Arnold 男版Annie
doing Arnold, which is an all-male version of Annie.
- 好吧 - 抓到你們喝酒啦
- Okay. - Caught you drinking.
開個玩笑
Just kidding, y'all.
我也許看起來像個家長 但是我保證 我不是什么緝毒警察
I may look like a parent, but I assure you, I am no narc.
多謝了
Thank you, sir.
還說完呢 我是魯迪
Not done yet. Name's Rudy.
我沒去過舞會
I did not go to my prom.
我被水泥卡車撞斷腿
No, my leg was crushed by a cement truck,
就跳不了舞了 但是
so I could not dance, but...
我決定我一生
So I've made it my mission in life...
我想做的
well, my whole career...
就是保證你們這些小孩子
to make sure that little kids like you
有個完美的一晚去回憶
have a wonderful night to remember forever.
所以坐好 放輕松然后享受你們的舞會之夜吧
So just sit back, relax and enjoy your prom night.
好
Okay.
噢 操 轉彎處過了 操
Oh, fuck, that was the turn! Fuck!
嘿 麗莎
Hey, Lis?
你有什么應急墊嗎
You got any S.O.S. pads?
我在泡平底鍋 但是你把
I'm soaking those pans, but you burnt the shit
奶酪燒過火了 然后
out of that mac and cheese, and...
海綿沒用
sponge just isn't gonna cut it.
多謝幫忙打掃
Thanks for helping clean up.
不值一提
Don't mention this one.
瑪茜早早把寶寶帶回家了 然后
I mean, Marcie brought the baby home early, and...
我得忙起來
I got to keep busy.
不去想凱拉和"Connor"
I got to keep my mind off of Kayla and "Connor."
那手勢不是這樣用的
That's not the right way to use those.
因為他名字真的就是Connor
'Cause his name is actually Connor.
所以
So...
沒事
It's okay.
- 加州大學洛杉磯分校 - 是啊
- UCLA? - Uh-huh.
我不想多管閑事 但是
I didn't mean to snoop, but I'm...
不 沒關系
No, no. It's okay.
我不覺得是真的
I mean, I don't think it's a real thing.
她不一定會去
She's not actually gonna go.
她鬧著玩的
I think she just applied for fun.
她不 怎么了 你覺得我理解錯了
She didn't... Why? Have you heard differently?
我覺得她要去的 她也許
I would assume it's to go, but she very well
反著來就真的申請了
could have applied ironically.
你你也知道00后 對吧
You... you know millennials, right?
- 嗯嗯 - 無論她去哪里
- Hmm. Mm-hmm. - And wherever she goes,
你都有一大堆時間
you can have a bunch of time on your hands.
去搞清楚你老了之后
Can figure out what you want to do
想做什么
for the back nine of your life.
嗯
Uh-huh. Yeah.
朱莉的電腦好像沒關
I think Julie left her laptop open.
朱莉發了好多短信啊
Julie's doing a lot of texting.
- 嗯 - 一切還好吧
- Mm-hmm. - Is everything okay?
也許我們應該去看看
Maybe we should check to see?
- 為了安心 - 是啊
- Peace of mind. - Yeah.
這是什么鬼
What the hell is that?
鬼知道
I have no idea.
你還在這干什么
What are you still doing here?
嘿 你的
Hey, your, uh...
你做的奶酪真糟糕
your mac and cheese is messed up.
你們在監視你們的孩子
Are you guys snooping on your kids?
不好喔
That is not cool.
不 消息就這么出現了不算監視
No, it's not snooping if the information shows up.
那就是監視
That's exactly what snooping is.
不 這像是愛國者行動
No, it's like the Patriot Act. It's...
這不是什么愛國者行動
Well , it's not like the Patriot Act.
- 這就是監視 - 好了 我們不知道
- It's like snooping. - Okay, we don't know
他們在講什么 所以
what they're talking about, so...
- 怎么了 - 好吧
- What? - Okay.
噢 就像謎語
Oh, is it like puzzles?
噢 我愛死字謎了 剛看了但丁密碼
Ooh, ooh! I love puzzles. Just saw Inferno.
好啊 他們在說些什么
Yeah, great. What are they saying?
有什么茄子手
Okay, so there's something about an eggplant hand...
- 握手 - 茄子協議
- handshake. - Eggplant agreement.
對 他們一致決定做茄子帕爾瑪干酪
Yeah. They got an agreement to make eggplant parmesan.
不 茄子是年輕人的表情包用來代表小雞雞
No, eggplants are dicks in teenage emoji language.
- 什么鬼 - 他說得對
- What? - You know what, that's true.
朱莉告訴我 表情包有
Julie told me that... that the emojis have...
- 各種深刻含義 - 對
- they all have secret meanings. - Mm-hmm.
比如樹代表大麻 雪花代表可卡因
So, like, trees are weed, and snowflakes are cocaine,
那是"牛逼啊 妹子"
and that thing is "yas queen."
- 牛逼啊 妹子 - 什么鬼意思
- Yas queen! - What the hell is that?
- 你沒聽說過"牛逼啊 妹子" - 沒有
- You've never heard of "yas queen"? - No.
好吧 老大爺
All right, grandpa.
等等. 朱莉在制定
Hold on. Julie is making...
什么有關小雞雞的協議
some kind of a dick-related agreement here.
凱拉也贊同了
Kayla is in on the agreement.
- 不可能 - "小丑"
- No fucking way. - "Okay, clown face."
這他媽又是什么意思
What the fuck does that mean?
說明她被逗死了
That means she's down to clown.
- 好吧 - 三根茄子
- Okay. - Three eggplants?
看看那笑臉都流口水了
And look at the drool coming out of that smiley face.
是口水還好呢
You wish that was drool.
- 那是顏射 兄弟 - 滾蛋
- That's come, my man. - Stand down.
自己看啊
It is. Look, it's come.
我沒猜錯的話
This is sex if I've ever seen it
- 那代表愛愛 - 不不不 不一定
- illustrated in emoji form. - Oh, no, no, no. Maybe not.
他們是好朋友 也許在說
They're best friends. They're just saying, like,
“和你在一起真好”
"You're okay with me. You're okay to me. You're okay to me."
你就這么和你朋友說
You say that to your friends?
看見朋友就說
Whenever I see my friends, I go,
"嘿 和你在一起真好"
"Hey, you're okay with me."
- 我又不用表情包 - 等等
- I don't use these. - Hold on.
贊同 贊同
Agreement hands, agreement hands, agreement hands.
這是一致愛愛啊
This is a... It's a sex agreement.
他們在制定愛愛協議
They're making a sex pact.
他們要在舞會之夜破處
They're gonna lose their virginity on prom night.
不可能是愛愛協議
That cannot be a sex pact.
那 那是友誼
That That is friendship.
那是 友誼的紐帶
And that is... that is the bond of friendship
永不分離
that can never be broken.
- 也許吧 - 是啊
- I mean, maybe. - Yeah.
噢 快看 她們說了"愛愛協議2018"
Oh, look, they wrote "Sex Pact 2018."
我就知道 愛死謎語了我
I fucking knew it! I love puzzles.
早說了 你們看過但丁密碼嗎
I told you guys. Have you seen Inferno?
- 麗莎 你看過但丁密碼嗎 - 打電話給你女兒
- Lis, have you seen Inferno? - Call your kid.
你們看過但丁密碼嗎
Have you guys seen Inferno?
我一下就搞清楚了 你看了但丁密碼嗎
I figured it out in two seconds. Did you see Inferno?
那家伙一開始跳下樓
The guy jumps off the thing in the beginning.
他身上攜帶了病毒 你們看了湯姆·漢克斯的但丁密碼了嗎
He's got a virus. Have you seen Inferno with Tom Hanks?
好 她不接電話
Okay. Okay, she's not answering her phone.
對 凱拉也不接
Yeah, Kayla isn't, either.
這他媽到底是怎么回事
Okay, what the heck is happening?
她一直對我很坦誠的
She's always been honest with me.
她一直都和我說真話
She's always told me the truth,
現在我卻被謊言圍繞著
and now I'm just swimming in a pool of lies.
好了 接下來
Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.
她會和奧斯汀愛愛
She's gonna have sex with that Austin kid,
然后她覺得她擁有
and then she's gonna think that she has
各種虛無的感情
all these feelings, which she does not actually have,
然后開車橫跨全國
then she's gonna drive across country
跟著他最后毀了她一輩子
and follow him and ruin her fucking life.
好吧 我覺得這跨度太大了
Okay, I think that's a pretty big leap
你只是看了點
to make when you read a...
我一直盡我全力
I have invested every single piece of my being
讓凱拉收獲成功 結果現在
into preparing Kayla for success, and now this?
她就要和某個"丸子頭"傻逼愛愛
She is about to have sex with some dipshit with a "man bun."
那手勢不是這樣用的
You're not using those in the right way.
嘿 回到"現實"好嗎
Hey, can we all come back to "planet Earth"?
又不是什么大件事
'Cause this is not a big deal.
她們是年輕人 她們也愛愛的
They're teenage girls. They have sex.
你看見蜜蜂干朵花會驚訝嗎
Do you, like, freak out when you see a bee fucking a flower?
- 我要阻止她 - 我也是
- I'm gonna stop her. - I'm in.
一起阻擋那些狗日的屌吧
Let's cock-block those motherfuckers.
哇
Whoa.
別 大哥 嗯 別別別
No, sir. Uh-uh. No, no, no, no.
我答應了薩姆給她一個最棒的夜晚
I promised Sam the greatest night of her life,
如果你們搞砸了你們女兒的夜晚
and if you guys fuck up your daughters' night,
那就會搞砸我女兒的夜晚
it's gonna fuck up my daughter's night,
那可不行
and that shit is "not cool."
我鳥你行不行
I don't give a fuck what's cool with you.
走吧 米切爾 我開車
Let's go, Mitchell. I'll drive.
嘿嘿嘿 等下 別別別
Hey, hey, hey, wait! No, no, no.
想走
You want to go?
過了我這關先
You're gonna have to go through me.
噢 老天
Oh, Jesus.
好 虛張聲勢是吧 等下
Okay, you called my bluff. Wait.
等等 嘿嘿
Wait! Hey, hey!
- 滾開 - 嘿嘿
- Get off! Get off of me! - Hey! Hey!
- 滾吶 - 不好喔
- Get off! - It's not cool!
"不好喔"
"It's not cool!"
嘿 有什么計劃 這有點蠢
Hey! What's the plan? This is stupid.
滾
Fuck off.
抱歉 抱歉 你他媽在干嘛
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. What the fuck are you doing?
我要和我女兒談談
I just need to talk to my daughter for five minutes.
滾出車去
Get out of the car!
- 你給我滾 - 你給我滾
- You get out. You get out. - You get out.
- 別學我說話 - 開門
- Stop saying what I'm saying. - Open the door!
- 別學我說話 - 別學我說話
- Stop saying what I'm saying. - Stop saying what I'm saying.
- 別 好了 聽著 - 嘿
- Stop... Okay, listen, listen. - Hey.
麗莎 好了 都冷靜
Lis. Okay, everyone calm down, calm down.
- 你得滾蛋了 - 開窗
- But you got to go. - The-the window.
- 別開窗 - 嘿
- No, the window. - Hey.
搞什么鬼 不 我勒個
What the fuck? No! Holy...
啊 這褲子是新的啊
Ah, these are new shorts!
停戰 停戰
Truce! Truce!
停戰
Truce.
停戰停戰停戰
Truce, truce, truce.
我道歉 對不起
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
噢 天殺的
Oh, my fucking God.
啊
Aah!
抱歉了
Sorry, man.
沒用的
It's not gonna work.
你不是施瓦辛格
You're not Schwarzenegger.
怎么可能
How is that possible?
怎么可能 噢 我靠
How is that possible? Oh, shit.
噢 抱歉 噢
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh!
噢 我的蛋蛋
Oh, my balls! My balls!
你屁股真
Your ass is so...
- 滾 - 嘿
- Get... - Hey! Hey!
- 滾 - 不行喔 啊
- Get out! - Not cool! Aah!
你這是在欺負我
You're bullying me.
這是霸凌
This is bullying.
你們的所作所為是錯誤的
What you're doing is wrong!
你知道你女兒也加入了愛愛協議對吧
You know your daughter's in this stupid sex pact, too.
知道 她不會做什么的 好吧
Yeah, and she's not gonna do anything about it, okay?
噢 說得好像你知道她會做什么似的
Oh, like you would know what your daughter's gonna do.
好了 首先 疼屎我了
Okay, first of all, ouch.
第二 之所以我知道
Second of all, I know nothing
薩姆什么都不會做是因為
is gonna happen with Sam because...
因為她是拉拉
because she's gay.
真的
Really?
她向你出軌了
Did she come out to you?
不 當然沒有
No, of course not.
她都不怎么和我說話
She barely speaks to me.
那你怎么知道
Then how do you know?
因為我是她爹
Because, bro, I'm her dad.
有些事你就是知道
And there's just some things you know.
查德什么都不是
Chad is nothing.
他就是掩飾
He's like a beard.
或者拉拉掩飾什么的
Or whatever a lesbian beard is.
陰毛掩飾
A merkin?
不知道 我想說的是
I don't know. The point is,
我保證他們都不會親嘴 好吧
I guarantee you they don't even kiss, okay?
我才不擔心呢 我擔心
I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about
你們那兩個混球搞砸我女兒夜晚
you two dicks fucking up her night.
好 你不懂的是愛愛
Okay, well, what you don't understand is that sex
對年輕妹子來說是很迷糊的
can be very confusing for young girls
會讓她們說些話還有做些事可能會讓她們后悔
and make them say things and do things that they might regret.
比如從大學退學
Like dropping out of college
去追大衛 馬修斯樂團的巡演
to follow around the Dave Matthews Band
就為了和一個她們以為她們愛的男人
with a guy they think they love
最后他還把她們搞大肚子
who then winds up getting them pregnant
然后就為了某個會做蒜泥蛋黃醬芝士三明治的妹子
and then leaving them for the girl who makes
而離開她們
grilled cheese sandwiches with hash aioli on them.
好吧 這太
Yeah, that is a...
狗血了 這才不會發生在朱莉身上
extremely specific scenario, and that won't happen to Julie.
而且現在大衛都不巡演了
Dave's not even touring right now.
他做爸爸了都
He's taking time off for fatherhood.
主人公是我 你個腦殘
It was me, you idiot.
我 那些事發生在我身上了
Me. That happened to me.
好吧
Yeah.
你還沒準備好 好了 再來一張
You weren't ready. Okay, one more, one more.
微笑
Smile.
我閉眼了
I closed my eyes.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God.
大家 這是我們的專屬歌
You guys, this is our song.
你還記得那次我們被雪困在薩姆家
Do you remember when we got snowed in at Sam's
然后我們一直播這首歌嗎
and we played this, like, over and over?
- 記得 - 我們得跳舞
- Yes! - We have to dance!
- 我們得跳舞 - 正和我們口味
- We have to dance! - This is our jam!
- 嘿 嘿 - 嘿
- Hey. Hey. - Hey.
- 我想喝一杯 - 好吧
- I want a drink. - Okay.
去喝一杯吧
Yeah, let's go get one.
不不不 我是說喝一杯
No, no, no, no. Like, a drink.
噢 你是想喝酒
Oh, you want a "drink" drink.
- 對 - 好吧 我叫我哥們
- Yeah. - Okay, let me call my guy.
你好啊 喝喝大佬
Hello, Mr. Drink-Drink.
- 來渾一波吧 - 好啊
- Let's go get fucked up. - Okay.
嘿 等等 凱拉
Hey, wait, Kayla, Kayla.
啊 這
Ah, it's...
嘿 查德
Hey, Chad.
我去拿些點心
I'm gonna go get, uh, some dessert.
給我兩份
Get me two.
嘿 安吉莉卡 這披風真好看
Hey, Angelica, it's a nice cape.
噢 嘿 薩姆
Oh, hey, Sam.
多謝
Thank you.
嗯 這是 是凱蘭崔爾女王的披風
Um, yeah, it's a... it's a Galadriel cape
前幾個月為了去漫展自己做的
that I made a couple months ago for LordCon.
想著可以再穿一次
Figured I could wear it again.
不會和別人撞衫
Not too much overlap on the guest list.
是啊
Yeah.
對
Yeah, totally.
你和誰一起來
Who'd you come here with?
嗯 我朋友而已
Um, just my friends.
勞倫和我分手了
Lauren and I broke up.
噢
Oh.
不過沒有很傷心
No hard feelings, though.
嗯 她還困擾著呢
Um, she's still a little confused.
你怎么知道
How do you think one becomes...
不困擾
not confused?
每個人都不一樣
It's probably different for everyone.
對我來說 我親了布拉德 馬可夫斯基
But for me, when I kissed Brad Markowski,
我就開始懷疑了
I started to suspect it.
去年 我摸了摸
And then last year, when I touched
達什 洛溫斯坦的小弟弟 我就想著"可別了"
Dash Lowenstein's dick, I was like, "Fuck no."
就像抓著一條死蛇
It was like holding a dead snake.
嗯
Hmm.
不過你除非試了你才會知道
But I guess you never know until you try.
呃 喝酒之前
Uh, before I do drink this, though,
我想告訴你
I just want to let you know
我計劃好了今晚愛愛
that I am fully planning on having sex tonight.
和 和你
With... with you.
好吧 我說 不管發生什么
Yeah, I-I mean, wherever the wind blows us.
嗯 會發生那事
Well, the wind's gonna blow us there.
無論去哪都
Wherever the night takes us, it's...
都會火車進洞
It's gonna take your penis into my vagina.
好吧 呃 宇宙萬物也這么想的話
Okay, uh, you know, if the universe wills it.
會這么想的
And the universe will will it.
多謝告訴我
Thanks for letting me know, I guess.
噢 當然
Oh, yeah.
- 噢 天啦嚕 - 我警告過你
- Oh, my God. - I warned you.
- 這就是杜松子酒的味道 - 不
- This is what gin tastes like? - No, no.
我聽說杜松子酒不好喝 這就不好喝啊
I've heard that gin sucks, and this sucks.
不 這是
No, it's...
- 我做的 嗯 - 噢
- I made it. Um... - Oh.
太傻了 好嗎
This is so dumb, okay?
我們孩子會討厭我們的
Our kids are gonna hate us
因為你這樣會讓她們出丑
because you're gonna humiliate them.
我才不會讓朱莉出丑呢
I'm not gonna humiliate Julie.
我們是好朋友 我是個酷媽
We're best friends. I'm the cool mom.
亨特 別逼我再坐到你蛋蛋上
Hunter, don't make me sit on your balls again.
停下停下停下
Stop, stop, stop it, stop, stop.
以后高中的學生就會這樣記住她們了
This is how they're gonna be remembered in high school.
幾個奇葩的家長把她們從舞會帶走
As the weirdos whose parents dragged them out of prom
因為怕愛愛
because they were afraid of their sexuality.
那不是應該害怕的事啊
It's not something that should be feared.
應該慶祝
It should be celebrated.
還有我們要給這些年輕人掌握自己的命運
And-and-and we have to empower these young women.
現在都什么時候了
I mean, what year is it, guys?
2018年啊
It's 2018.
老天爺
Jesus Christ.
- 噢 真惡心 - 好吧 知道嗎
- Oh, gross. - Okay, you know what?
那只是不幸的巧合而已
That's an unfortunate coincidence.
開個房會死啊
Get a fucking room!
來拍張照吧
Let's take a picture.
凱拉 拍張照吧
Kayla! Let's take a picture right now.
好吧
Okay, cool.
茄子
Cheese.
噢 天啦嚕 我媽給我打了差不多15次電話
Oh, my God, my mom called me like 15 times.
- 噢 別啊 - 瘋了吧她
- Ooh. Nope. - She's crazy.
- 不 不看 - 有點逗
- No, that's a no. - That's kind of funny.
- ? 飛行模式 - 別
- Boom. Airplane mode. - No.
要 我們正在飛行于友誼之空
Yeah. We're flying the friendly skies now.
對 直到她抓狂
Yeah, till she freaks out.
嘿 我們能走了嗎
Hey, can we please, like, get out of here?
不 現在還不能走
No. We can't go right now.
他們還沒放我和奧斯汀的歌呢
They haven't even played me and Austin's song yet.
那還怎么進入氣氛啊
How are we gonna get in the mood?
不知道 用你沃爾格林藥房的蠟燭啊
I don't know, light your Walgreens candle.
那是之后才用的 難道你不想 看啊
That's later. Don't you want... Look, look.
杰克 多納休在熱身
Jake Donahue is just warming up.
你不想看他跳舞
Don't you want to see him break-dance
- 然后也許傷著他自己嗎 - 不想
- and probably hurt himself? - No.
- 很好笑的 - 不覺得
- It's gonna be so good. - I don't.
你們記得賽迪霍金斯跳舞比賽上
Do you remember at the Sadie Hawkins Dance
他想跳蠕蟲舞
when he tried to do the worm
結果摔了個狗吃屎還斷了一顆門牙嗎
and he fell and broke his two front teeth?
- 記得啊 他還得去醫院 - 我還有照片
- Yeah. He had to go to the hospital. - I have pictures.
- 棒極了 這會更好笑的 - 嗯
- It was great, and this is gonna be better. - Mm...
- 不不不 - 我們留下
- No, no, no. No! - So we're staying.
朱莉 我發誓今晚你會
Julie, Julie, I promise that you're
和你男票伴隨那首歌跳舞的
gonna dance to your song with your boyfriend tonight.
這里越來越無聊了 好嗎
This place is dying, okay?
- 我們得溜了 - 好吧
- We got to get out of here. - Okay, fine.
行 走吧
Okay, cool. Let's go.
我們要去湖屋
We're going to the lake house.
我不信那值85刀
I am not sure that this was worth $85.
- 查德在哪里 - 什么
- Where's Chad? - What?
噢 他也許在舞池那呢
Oh, he's probably out on the dance floor.
我去找他然后和你們在外面見
I'm gonna go find him and meet you guys outside.
- 好吧 - 好
- All right. - Okay.
什么鬼
The fuck?
傻笑智障男
Smirking little piece of shit.
- 辮子男 - 去抓他吧
- Top knot. Top knot. - Let's get him.
你們就去吧
Yeah, you guys go do that.
我去喝幾杯
I'm gonna get some punch.
好了 混蛋 你把我女兒怎么了
All right, asshole, what'd you do with my daughter?
你們兩都 有一樣的垃圾發型
Two of you guys have the same shitty haircut?
嘿
Hey.
看我 我頭發都嫌太長
Look at me. My hair's too long.
嘿 你不能就這樣到處侮辱小孩啊
Hey. You can't go around assaulting children.
如果你想要知道些什么你就要融入 知道嗎
You have to blend in if you want some information, okay?
所以 冷靜
So just... just be cool.
天哪
God.
好吧
Okay.
朱莉
Julie?
朱莉
Julie?
舞會之夜 哼
Prom night, huh?
怎么了
What?
只是很特殊的一晚
Just... just special night.
我得試試
Got to try.
- 查德 - 怎么
- Chad? - Yeah.
現在是屬于我的了
This is my moment.
你毀了我的大好機會
You ruined my moment!
去你的機會
Fuck your moment.
- 剛剛發生什么了 - 怎么了
- What happened back there? - What happened is that...
我女兒明明討厭卻還親了查德
is that my daughter was kissing Chad even though she hated it.
我現在這樣
And I've been dragged into this situation
- 都是被你倆傻逼搞的 - 別理他
- by you two fucking idiots. - Just ignore him.
- 好主意 - 我們去奧斯汀那吧
- Great idea. - We're gonna go to Austin's house.
朱莉說私人聚會就在那
Julie said that's where the after-party is,
- 我們就能見到他們了 - 聽起來不錯
- and we'll get 'em there. - And that sounds like a plan.
嘿 你們居然敢無視我
Hey, how dare you ignore me.
我們現在都是因為你們倆
We are in this situation because you two
養了那兩個頑固分子引誘我女兒
raised a couple of bigots who have shamed my daughter
去破處
into losing her virginity to the wrong sex.
羞恥
Shame.
我女兒不是頑固分子
My daughter is not a bigot.
我們去過所有的游行
We go to all of the marches.
我們去了稅日游行 而且都沒人去
We went to the Tax Day March, and nobody goes to that shit.
- 沒人 - 無視他
- Nobody. - Ignore him.
- 這不容易啊 - 對 不容易
- It's hard. - Yeah, it is hard.
因為我從不放棄
'Cause I don't quit.
而現在我必須去解救薩姆
And now I have to go rescue Sam,
因為她現在很害怕很糊涂
okay, because she is scared and confused,
而我知道因為性取向被社會所排斥
and I know what it's like to be ostracized by society
是什么樣的感覺
for your sexual preferences.
和其他不是你老婆的女人睡
Sleeping with women that aren't your wife
無關性取向
isn't a sexual preference.
有關 我選其他女人
No, it is. I prefer them.
什么家長竟然讓
How parents can let
他們孩子放歌那么大聲
their kids play music this loud.
這土地是共有的啊
We all share this planet.
我聽歌就這么大聲 老兄
This is how loud I listen to my music, dawg.
也許都聽不見我們來了
Probably won't even be able to hear us.
里面很黑暗啊
It's so dark in there.
也許他們 他們在后院
You know, they... okay, they could be in the backyard
正玩著套圈圈呢
playing two-on-two hoops. I don't know.
噢
Oh!
噢 我找到了個大窗戶
Oh, I found a big window.
噢 不不不 別別別
Oh, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
信我 別看進去
Trust me. Do not look in that window.
- 什么 - 看著我, 別看進去
- What? - Just look at me. Do not look in this window.
他媽別看啊
Do not look in this fucking window.
朱莉的紅裙子
Julie's red dress.
- 是啊 - 噢 我靠
- Yeah. - Oh, shit.
我知道 這對你來說有的難接受
You know, I know... I know this must be tough for you.
如果 媽的 如果那是凱拉 我
I mean, if... hell, if that was Kayla in there, I'd...
- 我就死了算了 - 不
- I'd-I'd kill myself. - Nope.
這時說這種話不太好
That's the wrong thing to fucking say right now.
- 抓住他們 - 我不行
- Stop them. Stop it. - I can't...
等下
Wait.
嘿 那不是朱莉
Hey. It's not Julie.
- 不是朱莉 - 什么
- It's not Julie. - What?
噢 我去 是奧斯汀爸媽
Oh, shit. It's Austin's parents.
- 有夠行的啊 - 他們真
- Good for them. - They're really...
真敢來
really going at it.
我一直想這么做
I always wanted to do this.
我一直想看別人愛愛
I've always wanted to watch people have sex.
噢 天啦嚕 他在猛扯她的頭發
Oh, my God, he's yanking her hair.
嗷 看起來真疼
Ow. That looks like it hurts.
是啊 我們不應該看著的
Yeah, we shouldn't be looking, man. Come on.
她也敢冒險 這會把她髖關節搞脫臼的吧
She runs the risk of, like, dislocating her hip.
嘿 米切爾 你這樣很變態啊 哥們
Hey, Mitchell. You're being a fucking perv, dude.
別看了
Don't look.
怎么了
What happened?
我們兩眼相對 然后他就完事了
We locked eyes, and then he finished.
這意味著你的靈魂永遠帶著他的億萬子孫了
It means his load is on your soul for eternity.
- 臥了個槽 - 噢 我靠 他出來了
- Holy shit. - Oh, shit, he's coming.
我假裝我是棵樹吧
I'll pretend I'm a plant.
米切爾 你在干嘛?
Mitchell What are you doing?
- 什么 麗莎 - 嘿 羅恩
- What, Lisa? - Hey, Ron.
你們在這外面干嘛
What are you guys doing out here?
嗨
Hi.
- 嘿 - 好驚喜好意外
- Hey. - What a nice surprise.
我們以為我們的孩子在這
We thought the kids were here.
我們不知道你們在
We didn't realize you guys were here, uh...
噢 凱西和我只是在
Oh, Cath and I were just having
干點 呃 舞會之夜的角色扮演
a little, uh, prom night role play.
- 以保持性致勃勃 - 舞會之夜啊
- You know, to keep the sex life alive. - Prom night.
- 什么的 - 孩子們在哪
- That kind of thing. - Where are the kids?
呃 你想知道孩子們在哪
Um, do you know where the kids are?
孩子們在凱勒 蒙特羅的湖屋那
The kids are at Kyler Montero's lake house.
- 你怎么知道 - 因為奧斯汀說的
- How do you know that? - Because Austin told us.
是啊 他發短信告訴我差不多19次了
Yeah. He's texted me like 19 times tonight.
- 呃 噢 天啦嚕 - 我們之間什么都說
- Ugh. Oh, my God. - Yeah, we tell each other everything.
- 難以置信 - 他知道舞會之夜的種種
- It's unbelievable. - I mean, he-he knows about prom night.
- 你懂的 - 不好意思 你
- Well, you know. - I'm sorry, you...
你和你兒子說你和你老婆的愛愛游戲
you tell your son about your sex games with your wife?
- 對啊 - 哇 真
- Uh-huh. Yeah. - Wow, that's...
- 我干不了 - 是啊 好奇葩
- Can't do that. - Yeah, it's weird.
- 很 奇葩 - 我們有底線的
- It's so... it's-it's weird. - There's a line.
- 我們是很開放的家庭 - 是啊
- We have a very open family here. - Yes we do.
- 我們不隱藏什么 - 知道嗎
- We don't hide anything. - You know what?
那凱勒的地址在哪
What is Kyler's address?
我聽著 我感覺
I-I... Okay, listen, I-I feel like
我不能背叛奧斯汀對我的信任
I can't betray Austin's confidence in me,
而且老實說 朱莉想告訴你
and frankly, if Julie wanted to tell you
她在哪的話 她會告訴你的
where the house was, she would have told you.
- 什么 - 呃 我搞得
- Uh-uh. - Uh, I got...
等等 不聽不聽
Hold on hold on. Buh-buh-buh.
告訴我們地址
Give us the address,
否則我叫這巨人朋友扯下
or my giant friend's gonna tear
- 你老公的小雞雞 - 對
- your husband's dick off. - Yeah.
呃 不 我才不
Uh... no, I'm not.
- 不 - 你說什么 - 什么
- No, I'm not. No, no, no. - Excuse me? - What?
沒事
That's... that's good.
還有 抱歉打擾了你們
And, uh, sorry to interrupt your evening.
希望你們繼續享受你們的愛愛
I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your lovemaking.
- 嗷 臥槽 - 走吧
- Ow! Fuck! - Come on.
- 怎么回事 - 怎么
- What was that about? - What?
嘿 多謝幫助我女兒破處
Hey, man, thank you for killing my daughter's hymen.
我不這么認為
I don't think so.
凱勒蒙特羅的湖屋 瑪茜幫他們做的衛生間
Kyler Montero's lake house? Marcie did the bathroom.
她會知道地址的 所以走吧
She's gonna know the address, so let's just go.
- 好 屌 - 屌
- All right, dope. - Dope.
- 嗷 我的眼睛 - 耶
- Ow, my eyes! - Yeah!
好了 進來
Okay, come on in now.
有趣是有趣 小心被斬首了
It's all fun and games until there's a decapitation.
我良心遭受不起更多死去的女生了
I don't need any more dead girls on my conscience.
抱歉 魯迪
I'm sorry, Rudy.
我們只是想從舞會之夜清單勾掉"敞篷車自拍"而已
We just had to check that off the old prom bucket list.
噢 天啦嚕 薩姆
Oh, my God, Sam!
- 過來 對 - 挪位 查德
- Come here. Yeah. - Move, Chad!
- 查德 想喝杯酒嗎 - 不了
- Chad, you want a drink? - No.
那是什么
What you got there?
這是我發明的非常特殊的
This is a very, very special
簡化大麻
reduced hash oil of my own invention.
有對血液流動好的迷迭香精華
It has rosemary essence for blood flow,
從姜黃提取的姜黃素
a curcumin extract from turmeric
可以消炎
to reduce inflammation,
能讓你欲火焚身般
and it gets you super baked.
好吧
All right.
來試試吧 我 吸就可以了
Let's do it. Do I just... I suck?
是啊 按下按鈕
Yeah, you press the button,
吸一點點煙
then you take like, a little puff.
或者特別 特別大的一口
Or a really, really big one.
好了
Okay.
然后憋氣
And then you just hold it for, like, a beat.
你們知道坦納 鄧恩的家長為了開趴
You guys know that Tanner Dunn's parents
租了一整層
rented out a whole floor
園西酒店嗎
of the Park West Hotel for an after-party?
什么?
What?
嗯 是啊 他
Um... yeah, he, uh...
我猜他們喝醉了但他們依然對他感到驕傲
I guess they're super loaded and they're still proud of him
盡管花了他六年才畢業
even though it took him like six years to graduate.
我記起他了 他孩子生了時候
I remember him. He got to, uh, miss school
- 他就逃課的那個 - 對,就是他
- when his kid was born. - Yeah, yeah, that guy.
你應該吐氣了
You should definitely let it go now.
- 臥了個槽 - 噢 是啊
- Holy shit. - Oh, yeah.
我一英里賽跑只要6分鐘
I can run a six-minute mile.
我肺活量不是蓋的
My lung capacity is legit.
- 別 - 再自拍一張 這次
- No! - One more selfie, and this time,
看侃爺一樣
let's pose like Kanye.
- 不要 - 要
- No. Boo! - Yes.
- 你照太多相了 - 呃
- You take too many pictures. - Uh...
她們一點也不像侃爺
They don't look like him.
啊 一堆油漆樣品和色盤
Ugh, it's just a bunch of paint samples and swatches.
亨特 小點聲
Hunter, quiet.
為什么要小聲
Why do I have to be quiet?
瑪茜發現了就慘了
Shit would not fly if Marcie found out.
誰在家穿那種褲子 老兄
Who wears the pants in this house, dawg?
- 我穿 - 噢
- I do. - Oh!
嗯
Mmm.
這是大豆奶精 你確定
This is soy creamer? Are you sure?
真他娘的膩啊
It's pretty freaking rich.
真是亂來 你沒事搗什么亂
This is so messed up. Who are you to get involved
干涉我們女兒的性生活
in our daughter's sex life?
- 噢 親愛的 我只是想 - 別叫我親愛的
- Oh, honey, I was just try... - No, don't "honey" me.
你破處那時你爸阻止你了嗎
Did your dad try to stop you when you lost your virginity?
那不是一回事
That's totally different.
這不是什么不同 就是雙標
It is not different. It's a double standard.
噢 一男的破處 沒關系
Oh, when a guy loses his virginity, it-it's no big deal.
值得慶祝 但是一個女生破處
It's celebrated, but if a girl does,
就是什么失貞了
it's some sort of big loss of innocence?
- 對 - 話說回來
- Yes. - But come on, you guys.
這性質相同的啊
It's the same damn thing.
噢 瑪茜
Oh, Marcie!
閉嘴
Stop talking.
- 你就給我們地址吧 - 給我們地址吧
- Just give us the address. - Just give us the address.
港真 麗莎 我不敢相信你竟然和他們一隊
Honestly, Lisa, I can't believe you're on their side.
站隊 這又不是什么哲學辯論
Side? This is not some philosophical debate.
我們只是想阻止我們女兒
We're trying to stop our daughters
的計劃不周的
from some kind of sex pact that they've planned
愛愛協議
and not thought through all the way.
放什么狗屁
That is such bullshit.
你想讓社會怎么對待女性平等
How do you expect society to treat women as if they're equal
當家長們都差別對待
when their own parents won't?
那我就不知道了
I don't know about that.
明天再解決社會問題
I'll deal with society tomorrow.
現在我就考慮我女兒
Right now I'm thinking about my daughter.
呵 多省事
Well, that is... that's convenient.
是啊 知道嗎
Yeah. You know what?
那你去加入組織去
Go ahead and be part of the group
找那些陷入危險的
that perceives women as little
需要拯救的悲慘少女吧
damsels in distress that need saving.
誰管我們是不是拿到公平的薪水
Who cares about us not getting paid as much
或者能不能夠控制好自己的身體
or not having control of our own bodies
你能不能別把我當成
Can you please not talk to me
炸了墮胎診所一樣和我說話
like I'm someone who bombs abortion clinics?
我覺得我們有點脫離話題了
I think we're a little off topic.
我們只是 需要那地址而已
Just... we need the address.
我不敢相信你覺得朱莉
I just can't believe that you think Julie
不該和男孩一樣
shouldn't be free to explore her sexuality
自由探索性
in the same way that boys are.
女孩和男孩是非常不同的
Girls and boys are very different.
男生隨心所欲地拿走他們眼前的事物
Guys will take whatever's in front of them.
我們一感受到這種情感后
We have these feelings, and then...
你父母就不讓你再見到那個男人
your parents won't let you see the man.
然后他就不斷寫信
And then he just writes a lot of letters,
但是你收不到
but you don't get them
因為你媽不給你看
because your mom doesn't give them to you,
然后因為他為你造了間屋子
and then it starts raining really hard
你就開始哭了
'cause he built a house for you,
然后 然后
and... and then it's...
- 米切爾 你拿到地址沒的 - 拿到了
- Mitchell, did you get the address? - Yep.
- 什么鬼 - 真抱歉啊 我明天再打電話給你
- What? - I'm really sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.
- 我只是壓力太大了 - 很高興見到你
- I'm just really stressed out. - It was so good to see you.
剛剛那是戀戀筆記本嗎
Was that The Notebook?
滾你媽逼的 亨特 狗日的 米切爾
Fucking fuck off, Hunter. Goddamn it! Mitchell!
愛你喔 我這么做是為了我們的女兒
I love you. I'm doing this for our daughter.
- 我晚點回家 - 去你的
- I'll be home late. - Fucking shit!
致失貞
To the loss of our innocence.
噢
Oh!
- 來啊 - 噢
- Come on. - Ooh!
各位
You guys.
今晚是最棒的一晚
This is the best night.
我是如此的醉 如此的嗨
I am so drunk, super high,
康納有什么鬼東西
and Connor has a little something-something
我覺得我得去看看
that I feel I need to go check out.
好了 是時候干了
All right. It's fuck o'clock.
- 別啊 你也走 - 是啊
- No way. You, too? - Yep.
- 這些是杏仁甜餅 - 喔
- These are macarons. - Ooh.
我秘制的
With a very special concoction of mine
我叫它搖呆
that I call Wavy Davy.
我從暗網拿來的二甲基色胺
So it's DMT that I get from the Dark Web.
色胺類致幻劑
用于治療焦慮癥、抑郁癥、失眠等
呃 還有一點點點點阿普唑侖
Uh, and then there's a little tiny bit of Xanax
這樣才能放飛自我
to just kind of take the edge off, you know.
能暈死你
It's pretty tight.
嗯 聽起來就很暈
Mm, sounds pretty tight.
然后我烘焙成白巧克力餅干
And then I bake it into a white chocolate macaron,
還有覆盆子夾心
and it has, like, a raspberry filling
又柔和又松軟
that's both, uh, light and fluffy
但是又可口又滿足
but also very flavorful and satisfying.
準備好了嗎
Are you ready?
- 準備好了 - 好 來吧
- Uh, yeah. Yeah. - Yeah, let's do it.
好
Okay.
- 嗯 - 吃吧
- Mmm. - Let's go.
嗯
Hmm.
好吃啊
It's yum.
嗯
Hmm.
好 那我們怎么做 就一直
Okay, so what do we do? We just walk in and-and flick
- 開燈關燈直到孩子們來嗎 - 噓
- the lights on and off until the kids come? - Shh.
冷靜然后像點年輕人樣 也許就能混進去了
Just act cool and young, and maybe we'll just slip in.
米切爾 別把襯衫塞進褲子里
Mitchell, untuck your shirt.
不 這不是普通襯衫
No, it's not that kind of shirt.
- 拿出來會很傻的 - 拿出來啊
- It looks stupid untucked. - Untuck your shirt.
你看起來就像個年輕部長
You look like a youth minister.
拿出來 媽的
Untuck your fucking shirt, man.
- 我們要酷一點 - 好吧
- We're trying to look cool. - All right.
哇
Whoa whoa.
不好意思 兄弟
Sorry, bro. Sorry, guys.
抱歉 我朋友喝醉了
Sorry. My friend's wasted.
- 別 - 哇喔
- Don't. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
嘿 成年人不許入內
Hey, hey. No... no adults are getting into my house.
今晚是舞會之夜 不行
Not on prom night. Okay, not on prom.
我們剛在街那邊
We were just down the street
開完趴 我們就決定
at, um, another party, and then we just decided
來這里和你們玩耍
to come up here and hang with you guys.
唔 家長不能進 是吧
Um, no parents here, right?
噢 謝天謝地
Oh, thank God.
不能 包括你們
No, not except for you guys. No.
我們不是
We're not...
- 對啊 不是 - 我們不是
- Yeah, no. - We don't...
好吧 那你們是警察咯
Okay, so you're cops.
我去年酒駕兩次 我怎么可能是警察
I got two DUIs last year. How could I be a cop?
警察
The police?
看看我襯衫
Look at my untucked shirt.
你就是我見過最像警察的混蛋
You're literally the cop-iest motherfucker I've ever seen.
你發型就像在巡邏車后座剪的
You look like you got your hair cut in the back of a squad car.
這是普通男性發型啊
This is a regular men's haircut.
夠了 真逗
Okay, this is ridiculous.
你們是未成年 我們也是未成年
All right, you're minors, we're minors.
你看起來像45歲
You're like 45 years old.
去你娘的 我77年生的
Fuck you. I was born in '77.
87年. 94年
'87. '94.
我們會和你們一起喝酒
We're gonna drink with you guys.
警察會嗎
Would cops drink with underage kids?
- 不會啊 - 不會
- No. - No.
好吧 來場灌酒比賽怎么樣
Okay. What about a little chugging contest?
嗯
Um...
好啊
Yeah.
來吧
Bring it.
好 等下
Okay, wait.
我要裝扮一下房間
I got to get the room ready.
噢 哇
Oh, wow.
你來真的啊 是吧
You're really going for it, aren't you?
我看過浪漫喜劇
I saw this in the romantic comedy,
美國麗人 特別好看
American Beauty. So good.
你全程看完了
You watch the whole thing?
你知道這些蠟燭能把我怎樣的
You know what this candle does to me.
得蕁麻疹
Is that the one that gives you hives?
- 不是 這是好的那種 - 噢 那不錯
- No, it's the good one. - Oh, nice.
你看起來真性感
You look so hot right now.
挑戰者在哪 準備好了嗎
Where are my chuggers at? You ready?
- 噢 開始吧 - 嗚
- Oh, right here. Let's go. - Whoot, whoot!
好
All right.
- 酷 - 干翻他們
- Cool. - Drop 'em.
來干吧
Let's do it.
等等 干嘛
Wait, what?
伙計
Guys?
只是灌酒啊 是吧
We're just chugging, right?
肛門灌酒
We're butt-chugging.
把管塞進肛門里
Yeah, you put the tube up your butt,
再注入啤酒
and you funnel the beer in.
這能干翻你 信我
Fucks you up way more, man. Trust me.
- 各位 肛門灌酒 - 你能行的 搞定他們
- Guys, butt-chugging? - You got this. You got it.
不 換人 你來
No, I'm tagging out. You're in.
- 什么 干嘛要我來 - 你都生過孩子了
- What? Why me? - You've had a baby.
那里松一點
Everything's looser down there.
我不用肛門生孩子
I didn't have a baby out of my butt.
- 連我都知道 - 米切爾
- Even I know that. - Mitchell.
好吧 我也沒試過多少次
Okay, this isn't a common occurrence with me,
但是確實有過塞過東西進我那里
but I have had things up there before.
- 嗯 - 呼吸就好了
- Hmm? - It's just all about breathing.
就呼吸然后接受這現實吧
So just breathe through it and accept it in.
我做不了
I can't do it. I can't do it.
嘿 你女兒正在上面和狗屌康納
Hey! She's up there right now with that dick-bag Connor
那個丸子頭傻笑男
with his man bun and that stupid smirk.
好好想想
Think about this.
等等 康納
W-Wait. Connor?
你認識 你認識康納 奧德里奇 "廚師"
You know... you know Connor Aldrich, "The Chef"?
為什么叫他"廚師"
Why do they call him "The Chef"?
嗯 也許是南方公園的粉絲
Uh, maybe a big fan of South Park?
"你好啊 孩子們"
"Hello, children."
不 他把毒品加進各種食物
No, no. He cooks drugs into everything.
很多食物 啊 有次他給我做了個
Everything. Uh, one time he made me
費南雪蛋糕 噢
this, like, acid financier cake. Oh!
好吃到要死
That shit was to die for, man.
真的 我差點掛了
Like, literally, I almost fucking died.
是啊 哥們 如果你女兒吃了點那蛋糕的話
Yeah, dude, if your daughter had anything like that cake,
她明天可能就記不起你是誰了
she might not remember who you are tomorrow.
趕緊上他媽的管子
Give me the fucking tube.
來干吧
Let's bone.
等等 什么 噢
Wait, what? Oh.
你確定你想這么干
Are you sure that this is how you want to do it?
是啊 查德
Yes, Chad.
我是這么想的
This is always how I've imagined it.
噢 我想穿著襯衫 或許會更性感
Oh, you know, I'd rather leave my shirt on, if that's sexier.
我得繼續喝酒
I need another drink.
等等 呃
Wait, wait, uh...
你能用點什么潤滑下嗎
Can you lube it up with something first?
- 好 我吐點口水 - 才不要
- Yeah, I'll just spit on it. - No!
怎么了 就因為我是個男的 得了吧
Why? Because I'm a man? Get over yourself.
不是 只是因為你很惡心
No, 'cause you're fucking gross,
你口水也很惡心
and your fucking saliva's gross.
我有 我有潤唇膏
I have... I have lip gloss. I have lip gloss.
- 我有潤唇膏就好 - 行 媽的
- Got a lip gloss. We got a lip gloss. - Okay, fine. Shit.
我其實沒有潤唇膏
I don't have lip gloss.
行了 各位 把管子塞進去吧
All right, guys, let's get those tubes in.
好了 我弄了點潤唇膏在上面了
All right, I got the lip gloss on there.
- 好吧 - 好了
- Okay. - Okay, okay.
- 好了 - 行了 準備好了嗎
- All right. - Okay, ready?
嗷嗷嗷嗷
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- 還沒進呢 - 好了 - 冷靜
- It's not in yet. - Okay. - Chill.
數到三
So it's just gonna be on the count of three.
你能行的 老兄 為了你女兒
You got this, dawg. This is for your kid.
- 數到三 沒事的 - 數到三
- On three. Okay. All right. Yeah. - On three.
- 好 一 - 一
- Okay, one... - One...
- 嗷 - 你沒事吧
- Oh! - Are you okay?
- 好 準備好你的40s - 他們有更大的IPA
- Okay, get your 40s. - They got a lager and an IPA.
啤酒品牌
要 不要
Does it... Doesn't-doesn't...
- 算了 沒事了 - 好了
- It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. - Okay.
- 我不確定啊 - 不不不不
- I don't know about this. - No, no, no, no.
- 太晚了 已經塞進去了 - 走你
- It's too late. It's already in. - Here you go.
倒進去了 成為你一部分了
It's in you. It's part of you now.
- 準備好了嗎 - 嗯
- Ready? Set... - Yeah.
灌
Chug...!
肛灌 肛灌 肛灌
Butt chug! Butt chug! Butt chug!
噢 等等
Oh, wait.
- 嘿 嘿 - 放松點
- Hey, hey. - Loosen up.
- 沒用啊 - 不行啊
- It's not working, dude. - I can't.
- 抓緊我的手 - 好吧
- You can hold my hand. - Okay.
肛灌 肛灌
Butt chug! Butt chug!
- 嗷 - 你弄疼她了
- Ow! - You're hurting her.
- 真的很痛啊 - 對不住了
- That really hurt! - I'm sorry!
嘿 聽著
Hey, man, listen.
運氣到你的菊花
Channel that energy into your butthole.
- 呼吸 - 簡直顛覆我的世界觀
- Breathe. - This changes everything I know.
哥們 如果你女兒看見了
Dude, if your daughter could see you now,
她肯定為你感到自豪
she'd be so proud of you.
哇
Whoa.
我 我不行了
I am... I am tripping so hard.
沒用啊 這沒用
It's not working. It's not working, dude.
- 噢 糟糕透了 - 是啊
- Oh, it's terrible. Oh. - It is.
肛灌 肛灌
Butt chug! Butt chug!
- 開門啊 - 不行啊 抱歉
- Open up. - No, I'm sorry.
- 我做不下去了 - 專注 為了你女兒
- I-I can't do it, man. - Focus! For your daughter.
媽的 米切爾 專注
Fuck, Mitch. Focus.
- 你得呼吸啊 - 你得開肛啊
- You gotta breathe. - You gotta open up, dude.
- 放松 - 我很放松 我盡力擴張著
- Relax. - I'm relaxed. I'm dilated.
我盯著你菊花呢 沒有擴張
I'm staring at your asshole. You're not dilated.
米切爾 你要輸給這個狗娘養的
Mitchell, you're gonna lose to this punk bitch?
呼吸 吸收吧
Breathe Take it in.
肛灌
Butt chug!
好了
There we go.
- 很好 - 噢 起作用了
- Okay, good. - Oh! Oh, it's working!
- 起作用了 - 我勒個去
- It's working! It's working! - Holy shit! Holy shit!
我們就干完一半了
We're almost halfway done.
警察 快跑
Po's! Fucking run!
警察
Cops?
噢 不
Oh, no
"屁酒" 噢
Ass beer! Oh, oh!
麗莎 啤酒進我嘴巴里了
Lisa, the beer went into my mouth!
我得去醫院
I have to go to the hospital!
快點 快跑
Hurry up! Get out of here!
靠
Shit.
我們得走了
We got to go.
我嘴巴進"屁酒"了 我得去醫院
I got ass beer in my mouth. I should go to the hospital.
噢 我靠 該死的警察
Oh, shit. The fucking cops?
- 操 - 媽的警察來了
- Fuck. - The fucking cops are here?
- 等等等等 - 我管子拔不出了
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait. - I can't get the tube out.
- 拔出來 - 麗莎 拔出來
- Pull the tube out. - Lis, pull it out.
- 我不 是我插進去的 - 我吐了口水的
- No. I put it in. - I had to spit on it!
- 什么 你吐了口水 - 不是 那是我潤唇膏
- What? You spit on it? - No, it was my lip gloss.
- 是潤唇膏 - 拔出來啊
- It was lip gloss. - Pull it out!
嘿 輕點 他媽的輕點 好嗎
Hey, man, be gentle. Be fucking gentle, all right?
我會輕點的 好吧 準備好了嗎
I'm gonna be gentle, all right? Ready?
- 好 數到三 - 數到三
- All right, on three. - On three.
- 一 - 嗷
- One. - Ow!
- 加把勁 - 嗚
- Come on. - Whoo!
嘿 各位
Hey, guys. Guys.
等等
Wait, wait.
薩姆
Sam?
薩姆 我們在這
Sam, Sam! We're over here.
- 不 我 不 - 她
- No! No, I... No. - She's...
- 這晚就這么結束了 - 沒有
- The night is over. - No.
玩了
It's over. It's done.
沒有玩
The night is not over.
才剛剛開始呢
The night has just begun.
老天 查德 用點勁
Jesus, Chad, use your legs.
是我主要扶著她啊
I mean, I pretty much carried her,
從那到這
like, the whole way there.
嘿咻 嘿咻 趕快 趕快
Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle!
走吧 薩姆
Come on, Sam.
- 和我們一起走吧 - 不行
- Come with us. - I can't.
我車在這 但是我朋友
My car is here. But all my friends
會去酒店那里開趴
are going to the hotel party.
也許一會見
Maybe I'll see you later.
進車 走走走 妹子
Get in the car! Go, go, go, girl!
- 薩姆 港真 快點 - 你一會兒會見到她的
- Sam! Seriously, hurry up! - You'll see her later.
你們去哪
What are you doing?
今晚絕對沒結束 我對天發誓
Ooh, this night is not over, I swear to Christ!
正義前鋒
Dukes of Hazzard!
算了 反正是種族歧視劇
Racist-ass show anyway.
- 我現在眼冒金星 - 我們得找到我們的女兒 老兄
- I got the spins, man. - We got to find our daughter, dawg.
- 我得休息會 - 魯迪
- I'm gonna sit down for a second. - Rudy!
- 那是魯迪 - 魯迪 等會
- It's Rudy. Rudy. - Rudy, Rudy, wait, wait!
他就這么走了
There he goes, there he goes!
- 開門 - 好了
- Open the doors! - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- 坐好 - 我坐好了
- Okay, sit. - I got mine.
系好安全帶 不然小心罰單喔
Seat belts! You'll get a big ticket.
- 他們在那 - 他們就要溜了
- That's them right there. - They're getting away.
- 你得開快點 - 行
- You gotta go faster. Hey. - Okay.
你得加速到110%
Hey, you gotta be at 110%.
- 知道了 - 你能贏的
- Okay. - You got to be in it to win it!
你怎么醉了還更有斗志
How do you get more competitive when you're drunk?
嘿 我醉了更像贏家 好嗎
Hey, man. I'm more of a winner when I'm drunk, all right?
- 好好 - 我有個問題想問你,麗莎
- Okay, okay. - And the question I have for you, Lis:
你是贏家嗎
Are you a winner?
你想贏嗎
Are you in it to win it?
- 老娘的本事就是贏 - 沒錯
- Winning is my bitch! - All right.
- 真強大 - 叮咚
- Strong. - Knock, knock!
- 誰啊 - 勝利本勝
- Who's there - Me winning.
不是
It's not...
不是很好笑
It's not that good.
我不 嗷
I don't... Ow, ow!
- 麗莎要贏了 - 沒那么好笑
- Lisa winning! - It's not that good.
嗷 好了 還行 不錯
Ow! Fuck! All right, it's good.
不錯, 我喜歡
It's fine. I like it.
你要跟丟了 快點
Hey, you're losing him. Let's go.
別想跑贏我
Not on my watch.
- 噢 嘿 - 哇- 哇
- Oh, hey! - Whoa! - Ow!
你們覺得能跑得過
Y'all think you gonna outrun
我魯迪 "狂拽酷炫吊炸天" 格洛弗
Rudy "The Main Motherfucking Man" Glover?
沒可能
Hell no.
- 你們還好吧 - 不
- Are you all right - No!
撐住
Come on.
你還好吧
You okay?
嘿 各位
Hey, guys.
嘿 我不
Hey, I don't...
我感覺不太
I don't feel so...
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God!
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God!
沒關系 我們這么干
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
麗莎 我看過每一部
Lisa, I have seen every single
- 速度與激情電影 好嗎 - 嗯
- Fast and the Furious movie, okay? - Mm-hmm.
所有 十幾次 你有看過其中一部嗎
All of them, dozens of times. Have you seen any of them?
我看過東京那部 還有
I saw the Tokyo one, and I saw the one
巨石強森手推魚雷的那部
where The Rock punches the torpedo.
最棒的兩部
Those are the best two to see.
好 像這種時刻 問問自己
Okay, in times like this, I ask myself one question:
"WWVDD" 知道什么意思嗎
"WWVDD?" You know what that means?
"范 迪塞爾會怎么做"
"What would Vin Diesel do?"
我了個操
Holy shit!
還沒人能答對呢 好了
No one's ever fucking gotten that before. Okay.
噢 聞起來就像
Oh, man, it smells like...
我們就去
What we're gonna do...
我們去撞他保險杠
we're gonna kiss the bumper.
- 稍稍一碰 - 好
- You give it a little tap. - Okay.
然后他們就會轉來轉去最后停下車
And then they're gonna spin and stop,
我們也跟著轉停在一旁
and we're gonna spin and stop the other way.
- 好 - 然后我們就兩眼對視
- Okay. - And we're gonna look at each other,
然后我們再說句 "一切是為了家庭"
and we're gonna go, "It's all about the family."
等等 我感覺把孩子們逼停到路邊不太好吧
Wait, I don't feel comfortable running the kids off the road.
這種又慢又不激情的態度不是我們想要的
This slow and un-furious attitude is not helping us.
你要相信你自己
You have to believe!
好吧 我要撞上去了
Okay, I'm gonna kiss it.
來吧
Here we go!
那是什么
What's that?
- 我撞上了嗎 - 沒有 碰都沒碰到
- Did I do it? - No, you didn't even kiss it.
- 輕輕碰一下啊你 - 媽的 好
- You gotta kiss it. - Shit. Okay.
為了家庭撞上去吧
Kiss it for the family.
- 那是薩姆嗎 - 那是薩姆
- Is that Sam? - Is that Sam?
- 噢 噢 老天爺喔 - 她嘔在我們車上了
- Oh! Oh, God! - She barfed on us!
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God!
操
Fuck.
好吧
Okay.
我們上天了
Are we in Heaven?
好 聽著 我知道怎么辦
Okay. Listen, I know how to do this.
所有人往后靠
Everyone lean backwards.
數到三一起往后靠的話
If we all lean backwards on three,
車就能倒回去了
the car will roll back.
- 準備好了嗎 - 好了
- Ready? - Okay.
一...
One...
二... 三
two... three.
- 哎喲 臥槽 - 不
- Oh, fuck...! - No!
- 噢 - 別啊
- Oh! - Oh, no!
最后那點屁酒也拉出來了
Well, that's the last of the ass beer.
老天 好了 你還好嗎
Jesus! That's it. Are you okay?
你流血了嗎 你可能有內傷
Are you bleeding? You might have internal blood injuries.
- 我沒事 - 那么問題來了
- I'm all right, I'm all right. - Here's the problem.
速度與激情根本就是假的
The Fast and the Furious movies are not realistic.
我們在哪
Where are we?
靠
Shit!
操
Fuck.
你在干嘛
What are you doing?
我聽說在危急時刻 父母都有
I heard that in times of crisis, parents have
- 超常人的力量 - 不是我說你 那
- superhuman strength. - No offense... there's
沒有什么科學辦法能把車搞回去
no scientific way you're gonna flip that car over.
- 我都不能 - 我也不行
- I couldn't even do that. - I couldn't do it, either.
別和我說我能做得了什么 什么做不了
Do not tell me what I can and can't do.
凱拉又不接電話了
Kayla's not answering again.
- 真操蛋 - 我們跟丟了 各位
- Goddamn it. - We lost 'em, guys.
完蛋了我們
We are fucked!
又或者不一定
Or maybe not.
你在干嘛
What are you doing?
試著和凱拉心靈感應
Trying to telepathically communicate with Kayla.
我和X戰警爹媽在一起呵
I'm with the X-Men of parents.
你知道我絕密超能力是什么么
You know what my secret power is?
我他媽現在超級煩
I'm super fucking annoyed right now,
還把我腰贅肉給傷著了
and I hurt my love handle.
不
No, no.
嘿
Hey.
你們覺得我洗衣服和軟呢帽搭嗎
You guys think my new clothes go with my fedora?
開玩笑 我當然知道搭
I'm just kidding. I know they do.
嘿
Hey.
- 你和你媽說了嗎 - 沒有
- Have you talked to your mom? - No.
我爸媽一直在給我發短信
So, my parents were just texting me,
而且他們剛剛在愛愛
and they were having sex,
然后你媽來找你了
and your mom showed up looking for you.
噢 天啦嚕 真不好意思
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
沒 沒事
It's... it's okay.
他們經常愛愛
They have sex all the time.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God.
她 好多短信
She... The texts.
真多
So many texts.
她發火了
She's mad.
我得處理下
I need to handle this.
好消息 拼車就要來了
Good news. A Lyft is on its way.
噢 等等 不 我認識他 他遜爆了
Oh, wait, no, I know this guy. He sucks.
噢 靠 朱莉打電話來了
Oh, shit. It's Julie.
- 冷靜 裝作什么事都沒發生 - 好 安靜
- Be-be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. - Okay, be quiet.
- 好 - 嘿 老媽
- Okay. - Hey, Mom.
我收到了你的短信 我只是想
I just got all your texts, and I just want
告訴你我們很好
to let you know that we're all good.
酷 好吧
Cool, cool. Okay.
嗯 你在舞會那嗎
Um, are you at the prom?
是啊
Yeah.
是啊 根本停不下來
Yeah, just nonstop magical moments.
哈 你騙我呢吧
Ha! You are lying to me.
你現在在哪里 在哪
Where are you right now? Where are you?
你怎么抓狂了
Why are you freaking out?
我抓狂
I'm freaking out
是因為我知道你要干嘛
because I know what you're up to.
我還找到你和你的朋友
And I know that you and your friends
計劃這什么愛愛協議什么的
are planning some kind of little sex pact or whatever.
- 你說什么 - 你聽見我說了
- What did you say? - You heard me.
你怎么知道的
How could you possibly know?
因為我是了解你的老媽
Because I am your mother and I know you.
- 我比你還了解你 - 干得漂亮
- And I know you better than you know yourself. - Yes.
我還找到你想去加州大學洛杉磯分校
And I also know that you're planning on going to UCLA
你想跟著奧斯汀
and that you're following Austin.
對
Yeah.
我 知道 一切
I... know... everything.
噢 老天 你什么都不知道
Oh, my God, you know nothing.
你為什么會想我是想跟著奧斯汀
Why do you even assume that it's me following Austin?
哼 你不是擔心我 老媽
Huh? You're not worried about me, Mom.
你是擔心你自己
You're worried about you.
你怕失去我
You're afraid of losing me.
你害怕一個人呆著
You're afraid of being alone.
我才不怕一個人
I am not scared of being alone.
這才不是因為我
This is not about me.
我過去18年都沒為我自己著想過
I have not thought about myself for the last 18 years.
是你
This is about you.
作為單親媽媽 我一直在阻止你
And as a single mother, I am trying to stop you
做出會毀掉你人生的決定
from making a life-ruining decision.
那我是 一個你毀了一生的決定
So I was a... a life-ruining decision?
不. 當 不是 那不是我的意思
No. No, of cour... No, that is not what I meant.
- 那不是我的意思 - 知道嗎 老媽
- No, that is not what I meant. - You know what, Mom?
我才不是為了什么男生才去加州大學洛杉磯分校 好嗎
I'm not going to UCLA because of some boy, okay?
我去加州大學洛杉磯分校是因為能更遠地
I'm going to UCLA because it's the furthest
逃離你
I can get from you.
呃
W-Well...
喂
Hello?
納納魯在來的路上了
Nanaru is on his way.
還有46分鐘
46 minutes.
呵 她恨我
Well, so she hates me.
她才不討厭你
She doesn't hate you.
凱拉一直無視我
Kayla's ignoring me.
她怨恨我都恨上天了
She's bringing it to a whole new level of spite.
是啊
Yeah.
那 那才叫痛苦
It's a... that's a new level of pain.
是啊 我懂
Yeah. I know, I know.
這不同 是我生的她
It's just different for me, because I gave birth to her,
我感覺我倆是有聯系的
and I just feel very connected.
她活在我心中
She was living in my body.
凱拉也是我生的
Kayla grew in me.
我生的 她
She grew in me. She-she did.
她從我蛋蛋 跑出來到瑪茜那的
She grew from my balls, and I shot her into Marcie.
我和你都是一樣的
This is the same for you and me.
不完全是
Not exactly.
你還有你愛人
I mean, you have daily love in your life,
我就看你獨自死去了
and I'm probably gonna die alone
很久都沒人知道
and won't be found for a really long time.
直到有一天 有人遛著金毛
Until one day, someone will be walking by
經過我家
with their golden retriever,
狗狗都可能嚇屎了
and the dog is just gonna lose its shit,
然后打電話給警察
and then they're gonna call the police,
然后來時發現我躺在浴缸里
and then they're gonna come in and find me draped over the tub
而我該死的貓就在吃我頭發
with my feral cats eating away at my hair.
貓會吃的
'Cause cats do that.
你搞什么飛機
The fuck is wrong with you?
真他媽暗黑啊你
That is some dark shit.
- 你會獨自死去 - 噢噢噢噢 兄弟
- You're gonna die alone? - Oh, oh, oh, oh! My man!
- 大哥 - 你怎么會這么想
- My man! - Where the hell did you get that idea?
- 知道嗎 - 氣死我了
- You know what? - Come on!
我一直打電話給你
I call you all the time.
你回了嗎 沒有
You ever return my calls? No.
因為我們不算朋友啊 你和我
Because we're not really friends, you and me.
我們不是朋友
We're not friends?
我不是那個意思 我 你
I don't mean it, uh, that... I-I... you...
你知道你是怎樣的人嗎
You know what you are?
你就像在臉書彈出來的東東
You are like the thing that pops up on Facebook,
帶著漂亮的圖片
and then it's, like, this beautiful picture
上面有你剛去世的奶奶
of your grandma who's dead.
然后你就 "去你的 臉書”
And you're like, "Fuck you, Facebook,
“竟然讓我回憶起她的離去"
for reminding me of my loss."
那就是你逃避我的原因
That's why you're avoiding me?
我讓你回憶起你的不幸
Because I remind you of loss?
是的 我不想記起那段小甜心朱莉
Yes. I don't want to be reminded of sweet, young Julie,
還有我們孩子們的美妙時刻
and our kids and that beautiful time
- 已經一去不復返了 - 噢 老天
- in our lives is over. - Oh, God.
你倆真他媽的棒
Boo-fucking-hoo with you two.
你們完全無視我
You guys completely ignore me.
- 一直都是 - 廢話 偷腥者
- Always. - Yeah, no shit, cheater.
噢 偷腥者 那是我 那是我稱號了
Oh, cheater? That's my... that's my designation?
我就是偷腥者
That's what I am? I'm the cheater?
去他媽的
Fuck that shit.
那事發生后你們有打過一次電話給我
Did you guys ever once call me when that went down
問我到底發生了什么嗎
and ask me my side of the story?
你們沒有
You didn't.
我會告訴你們事實真相的
I would have told you the truth.
我會和你們說那事發生前好幾個月
I would have told you that Brenda had stopped
布倫達就已經沒和我說過話了
talking to me months before that happened.
你知道她在威斯康星州那家公司
You know she hooked up with her boss
勾引她上司嗎
at a company retreat in Wisconsin?
你知道她家暴我嗎
Do you know she beat me up?
她竟然在Romano's fucking Macaroni Grill餐廳
She fucking beat me up
打我
at a Romano's fucking Macaroni Grill!
她竟然他媽的當著總管的面抽我
She fucking slapped me in front of the fucking maitre d'!
- 我們不知道 - 很抱歉 兄弟
- I didn't know that. - I'm sorry, man.
我出丑了
And I fucking embarrass myself,
我當著我女兒的面出丑了
and I embarrass myself in front of my daughter.
我-我想著 知道嗎
And I-I-I thought, you know,
也許我應該退下讓步
I should pull back a little bit,
結果他媽的弗蘭克出現了
and then fucking Frank showed up,
他 那我再退了幾步
and he... I pulled back more,
想著 "總有一天我會挽回的”
and I thought, "One day I'm gonna fix it.
“總有一天我一定能挽救的"
One day I'm gonna fucking fix it."
然后我想著 如果我給她
And then I thought, if I gave her
一個特別棒的驚喜夜晚
something awesome, like a great night,
她就能回到我身邊了
I could get close with her again.
但是我辦不了
But I can't.
因為她已經走了 他們
'Cause she's gone. They're just...
還有孩子 他們
The kids, they...
他們就這樣離開了我
they just leave.
噢 靠 我知道我們能怎么找到他們了
Oh, shit! I know how we can find them.
去凱西和羅恩那
Go to Cathy and Ron's.
奧斯汀一直在給他們發短信
Austin's been texting them all night.
你們剛剛聽我說了嗎
Did you hear anything I said just now?
- 好主意 - 管他呢
- That's a great idea. - Fuck it.
說出來挺好的
It's just good to say it out loud.
- 去把車翻過來吧 - 我去
- Let's go flip that car. - Hell...
老天爺
Jesus Christ!
噢 我滴媽
Oh, my fucking God.
我靠
Shit.
我車就這樣炸了
My car just exploded.
納納魯還有26分鐘到
Nanaru is 26 minutes away.
那還行
So that's good.
我還以為取消了
I thought I canceled him.
多謝了 納納魯
Thanks, Nanaru.
那奧斯汀的爸媽是不會
So Austin's parents aren't gonna
就直接告訴我們孩子們在哪的
just tell us where they are.
所以我們得拿到羅恩的手機
So we need to get Ron's phone,
看看短信找孩子們
read the texts and find our kids.
好嗎
Okay?
亨特 你就別去了
Hunter, it's not gonna be you.
所以 米切爾 你去
So, Mitchell, it's you.
不要 這是破門侵入
No. That's breaking and entering.
那太 我會不自在的
That is... I'm uncomfortable with that.
你是有團隊精神的人 還是說不是
Are you a team player, or aren't you?
我團隊意識強不強
Am I a team player?
我肛灌了40屁酒
I just chugged a 40 with my asshole.
我當然是
I'm a team player.
那就認真投入點
Then get your head in the game.
現在是第三節的尾聲了 我們還落后一分
It's the bottom of the third, we are down by one,
剩下的局數不多了
and there is not a lot of game left.
不過其實還有很多時間的
There is a lot of game left, though.
聽好 你只能傳一次球了
Listen. You have one pass left.
一次 就一次
One. One pass.
- 那是橄欖球 - 你傳球沒限制的啊
- Is it rug... rugby? - You don't have a limit on passing.
是澳式橄欖球
Is it Australian-rules football?
而且如果現在是第三節 我還有第四節
And if it was the third, I would have the fourth...
知道嗎 你知道發生了什么嗎
You know what? You know what's happening right now?
我告訴你吧
Let me tell you what's happening right now.
凱拉和康納在上著床呢
Is Kayla and Connor are sliding into bed.
他拿起套套
He's grabbing a condom,
彈到了一邊
and then he's flicking it to the side
還一邊傻笑著
with a smirk on his face.
麻痹的傻笑 沒門
That fucking smirk. No way.
我們要強力傳球
We need a Hail Mary pass.
準備好了嗎 孩子
Are you up for that, son?
- 是的 教練 - 我聽不清
- Yes, Coach. - Well, I can't hear you.
- 是的 教練 我準備好了 - 大聲點
- Yes, Coach. I'm in it. - I can't hear you!
我能做到 上啊
I can fucking do this! Let's go!
好了 我們得 我們得小聲點
Okay, we gotta... we gotta be quiet.
小心
Careful.
好了 去吧
All right, go.
上
Go.
你 看看那
Did you...? Look at that.
去那邊
Go out that way.
那有人 那有人啊
There's a person. There's a person.
什么 去你的
What? Fuck you.
老天啊
Jesus Christ.
我要抓到你了
I'm gonna get you.
除非我抓到你先
Not if I get you first.
不 滾開
No, no. Get away from here.
- 我要他媽的退出 - 米切爾 就去 - 進去
- I'm fucking out. - Mitchell, in. - Get in.
- 凱西 - 羅恩 不能說話
- Cath? - Ron, no talking.
別說了 說好的 我們只能通過氣味
Come on, we had a deal. We have to find each other
來找到對方
by sensing each other's musks.
不能用聲音
Can't use our voices.
在這 小貓咪
Here, kitty, kitty.
我能聞到你的香氣了
I can smell that musk.
噢 好啊
Oh. Yeah.
耶 我喜歡聽那聲音
Yeah, yeah, I like the sound of that.
噢
Oh!
噢 嘿
Oh! Hey.
對我你得先摸摸我
You want to touch first, that works for Ronnie.
你想讓我摸你
You want me to touch you?
- 來吧 - 你想讓我摸你
- Help yourself. - You want me to touch you?
- 對 - 摸死你
- Yes. - I'm gonna touch you hard.
- 來吧 - 用我指甲怎么樣 寶貝
- Do it. Do it. - How about I touch you with my nails, baby?
- 來吧 - 噢 爽
- Let's have it. - Oh, oh, yeah.
- 噢 哇 - 你毛真性感 寶貝
- Oh, wow. - Your hair is so sexy, babe.
你真大力啊
Your grip is unbelievable.
我想讓你摸我
I want you to touch me
喜歡的地方
where I like.
我的蛋蛋 知道吧
My balls, you know?
噢 你想讓我摸你蛋蛋
Oh, you'd like me to touch your balls.
想都別想
做吧
你想讓我摸你蛋蛋 對吧
You want me to touch your balls, do you?
我做不到啊
你是同性戀啊
我不是同性戀
- 對 - 你真壞
- Yes, I do. - How badly do you
我哥是基
想讓我用力拽你蛋蛋
want me to tug at your balls?
我們是好朋友
噢 是嗎
我想讓你扯下來
I want you to rip them off my body.
因為我的離婚律師就是基
- 我就想那樣 - 嗯 我不信你
- That's what I want. - Mm, I don't really believe you.
而他是我的好朋友
然后他和他的伴侶(不清楚)
我不信你想那樣
I don't believe you want it bad enough.
我想的 來吧
I want it bad. Do it. Come on.
我們就像這樣
- 真的 有多想 - 我想讓我蛋蛋
- Really? How bad? - I want it so bad that my balls
呃 應該是這樣
這才是我
- 像要炸了一樣 - 噢 它們會炸成
- are going to explode. - Ooh, are they gonna explode
那是他們兩個
碎片是嗎
into a million little pieces?
我才不干
你他媽就做吧
告訴你吧 親愛的
Well, let me tell you something darling.
給老子干
今天是你的幸運日
It is your lucky day.
為了你女兒
是圣誕節啊
Because it's Christmas for you.
為了你女兒
來吧
Let's go.
來啊 捏吧
Come on. Come on, do it.
- 你在捏嗎 - 等等,還不夠
- You there? - What, this isn't hard enough?
- 來啊 - 大力點
- Let's go. Come on. - Harder?
- 來啊 快捏
Come on, do it, do it.
- 等著呢我 - 好吧好吧
- I'm waiting. - Okeydokey.
噢 耶 你喜歡啊
Oh, yeah, you like that?
哎喲我滴娘啊
嘿 我不評判別人的性
Hey, man, I don't judge people's sex shit.
但是那太坑爹了傻逼一樣
That was ridiculous and stupid.
得分了 各位
Way to take one for the team, guys.
等等 等等 看到了
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here it is.
"警察來湖屋了”
"The police came to the lake house.
差點就失貞了但是還不行"
“Almost lost my flower but didn't quite work out."
- 花 - 花 - 他這么說 他是男的欸
- Flower? - Flower? - He said that? He's a boy.
啦啦啦
Hub-uh-uh, hub-uh-uh...
"正在去園西酒店”
"Heading to the Park West Hotel.
- “我們有套房" - 套房
- We've got the Grand Lux Suite." - Suite?
"看來小男生要變成大男人了"
"Looks like the little boy is becoming a man."
媽的個大傻逼
Fucking dork.
好了 那是十分鐘前發的
Okay, so that was ten minutes ago.
那就說明他們還沒愛愛
So they haven't had sex yet.
我們還能追上他們
We can still catch 'em.
好了 走吧
Okay, let's do this.
嘿
Hey.
- 嘿 - 嘿
- Hey. - Hey.
她怎么樣了 還好嗎
How's she doing Is she okay
不 她不太開心 很失落
No, she's not doing okay. She's bummed.
她都不想親親了 而我喜歡親親
She doesn't even want to kiss. And I love kissing.
給我鑰匙
Give me your room key.
- 什么 為什么 - 對
- What? Why? - Yeah.
給我鑰匙 然后15分鐘后
Give me your room key, and then bring her up
帶她上來
in like 15 minutes.
- 好吧 - 嗯
- Okay. - Yes.
多謝了
Thanks. You're the man.
多謝
Thank you for this.
那么大的地方怎么找啊
How we supposed to find them in this place?
差不多多20多間房
It's got like 20 rooms.
抱歉 你在說
I'm sorry, what the fuck
什么屁話
are you talking about?
20 差不多200間房
20? It's got like 200.
什么鬼 20
What? 20?
套房在頂層
Grand Lux Suite is on the top floor.
走吧
Go, go, go, go.
動起來 快點 麗莎
Move. Hurry, Lisa!
我在干嘛啊
What am I doing here?
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God.
噢 天啦嚕 我的最愛
Oh, my God, my favorite.
真好
That's so sweet.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God.
像夢一樣
This is a dream.
太完美了
It's, like, perfect.
真 太好了
That is... It's so nice.
你真好
You're so sweet.
其實不是我干的
It actually wasn't me.
是凱拉
It was Kayla.
她想讓你有個完美的夜晚
She wanted you to have the perfect night.
這就是為什么看起來那么棒
That's why it looks so good.
那你又是為什么看起來那么帥呢
Well, why do you look so good?
傻逼呀你
You're such a dork.
我 我知道
I-I know.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God.
沒我想象的那么順利
Not as smooth as I could.
我脫了鞋先
Let me get my shoes.
凱拉
Kayla?
不許動 凱拉在哪
Nobody move. Where's Kayla?
凱拉 凱拉
Kayla? Kayla?
丟到一邊去
Get that out of here.
這怎么弄 是
Now, how's this work? Is this...?
- 沒事 就這樣吧 - 好 行
- No, just leave it. - Okay, cool.
- 有點難 - 嗯
- It's difficult. - Mm-hmm.
多運動
Play sports.
Mwah. Mwah.
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
Mwah.
就這樣
And that's that.
你真的想做嗎
So, you, uh, sure you want to do this?
嗯
Yeah.
好 當然
Yes. Fuck yeah.
你要 你就要雞我了
You're gonna... you're gonna penis me.
- 對 - 首先 我要
- Yep. - First, I'm gonna...
我先摸一摸
I'm just gonna touch it.
- 你想摸一摸 好 你可以摸 - 好
- You want to touch it? Yeah, you can touch it. - Yeah.
- 對 來吧 - 好 就這樣
- Yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah. - Okay, just, like...
噢 哇
Oh! Wow!
好吧 這是 我一生中有過的
Okay. That is, like, the greatest feeling
最棒的感覺了
I've ever had in my entire life.
真的
Really?
不覺得像你朋友那干瘦的手一樣嗎
It doesn't just feel like a super dry hand of a friend?
不 不覺得
No. Nope.
好吧 那
Okay, so...
你想 呃
do you want to, um...
放進去嗎
put it in?
吧
No.
好吧
Okay.
- 不行 抱歉 - 知道嗎
- I can't. I'm sorry. - You know what?
聽著 我們沒有
Look, we don't ha...
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- 我勒個去 - 看看這些
- Holy shit! - Right there. Look at all of it.
噢 天啦嚕 我翻個身
Oh, my gosh! I gotta get over.
好吧 對不起 對不起
Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
對不起 對不起
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
真的對不起 非常對不起 我只是
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I just...
- 沒事 - 我想著那個還有你
- It's okay. - I was thinking about it and you,
然后就 對不起
and then it just... I'm sorry.
天啦嚕
My God.
你真棒
You're amazing.
我知道我們還是處
I know we're still virgins,
但是感覺完全不一樣了 知道吧
but I feel different, you know?
是啊
Yeah.
我知道
I know.
你準備好 呃 干了嗎
You ready to, uh, do this?
等等
Wait.
等等 呃
Wait. Um...
啊 靠
Ah, shit.
我靠
Shit.
或許朱莉是對的
Maybe Julie was right.
破處也許
Like, maybe losing your virginity
不一定非得是完美的 但是
doesn't have to be perfect, but...
我覺得應該
I feel like it should just be, like,
比這樣更特殊點 知道吧
a little bit more special than this, you know?
- 嗯 - 不是說這很粗俗 但是
- Yeah. - Like, not cheesy, but...
比如如果我現在很緊張的話
Like, if I was hard-pressed right now,
我都記不起你姓什么了
I don't think I could remember your last name.
- 是奧德里奇 - 奧德里奇
- It's Aldrich. - Aldrich.
我以為姓鴕鳥
I thought it was Ostrich.
我都不知道你是處
I-I didn't realize that you're a virgin.
- 知道吧 - 我是
- You know? - Yeah.
呃 但是 我還是很樂意的
Um, but, like, I'd still be down to do it,
但或許
but maybe, like, you know,
當我們互相了解多一點
when we get to know each other a little more.
比如星期一什么的
Like, maybe Monday or something?
- 對 - 不是奇奇怪怪地就定好日子 但是
- Yeah. - Not to, like, plan it and be weird, but, like...
不 我還是可以看看我時間表的
No, no, I can look at my schedule
- 看看有沒有 - 好吧
- and see if it's... - Okay.
添加進去
Pencil it in.
呃 行啊
Um, yeah, that's cool.
- 好吧 - 呃 那一起放松吧
- Okay, cool. - Um, let's just relax.
我們可以看看科學雜志什么的
We could do, like, some light journaling or something.
對 我們 我們可以這么干
Yeah, yeah, we could... we could do that.
或者 我們也可以干干別的事
Or we could do, like, other stuff.
是嗎 比如
Yeah? Like what?
比如
Like...
不是愛愛 但是
not sex, but...
我還是想尋尋歡的
I'm still down for pleasure.
你能行的
You got this.
嘿 各位 怎么樣啊
Hey, guys. What's up?
有人看見薩姆了嗎 有人看見薩姆了嗎
Anyone seen Sam? Anyone seen Sam?
查德
Chad!
媽的
Fuck.
滾開
Get out of the way.
天啊
Jesus!
搞什么飛
What the f...?
又是你
You again?
- 就是你 - 搞什么飛機
- You! - What the fuck?
你和我有什么過不去的嗎 兄弟
What's your beef with me, dude?
我都不知道你是那根蔥
I don't know who the fuck you are!
我是杰克·麻痹·多納休
I'm Jake motherfucking Donahue.
說了有意義嗎
That name means nothing to me.
你知道當眾
Do you know what it's like to be humiliated
被羞辱
in front of everyone you know
之后還想辦法補救的感覺是怎樣的嗎
and have to seek redemption for that?
實際上 我知道
Actually, yes, I do.
凱拉 凱拉
Kayla? Kayla?
凱拉 從我 女兒身上
Kayla? Get the hell away
給老子滾開 你這個垃圾人渣
from my daughter, you little piece of shit!
老爸 搞什么
Dad, what the...?
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God!
你還好嗎 他沒動你吧 有嗎
You okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?
什么 沒有 他沒有動我
What? No, he didn't hurt me.
臥了個槽 康納
Holy shit! Connor.
- 嗷 - 噢 天啦嚕 你還好嗎
- Ow. - Oh, my God, are you okay?
我挺好的其實
I'm actually totally fine.
康納 我很抱歉
Connor, I'm so sorry.
- 你沒事吧 -還行
- Are you okay, though? - Yeah, please...
確定嗎
Are you sure?
老爸 搞什么 你在這干嘛
Dad, what the... what are you doing here?
我一整晚一直跟著你呢
I've been following you around all night.
你沒開玩 噢 天啦嚕
Are you ser...? Oh, my God.
你一直跟蹤我
You've been following me?
- 你瘋了嗎 - 我別無選擇
- Are you crazy? - You gave me no choice.
你和這男的待在一起都變糊涂了
You're in over your head with this kid.
我不是什么可悲的
I am not some pathetic
需要被拯救的落難少女
damsel in distress that needs saving.
- 我自己能解決的 - 不 你不能
- I can handle myself. - No, you can't.
- 能 我可以 - 不 你不能
- Yes, I can. - No, you can't.
- 能 我可以 - 凱拉 你不能
- Yes, I can. - Kayla, you can't.
這就是我為什么來這里
And that's why I'm here.
這是我的職責
It's my job.
噢
Oh.
好, 所以你覺得我不能
Yeah, so you just don't think
自己決定并照顧好自己
I can make my own decisions and handle myself.
糟糕透頂
That really fucking sucks.
凱拉
Kayla...
凱拉 我只是想解決這件事情
Kayla, I'm just trying to figure this thing out.
老天 愛愛就那么嚴重嗎
God. Why is sex even bad?
我 我不知道 不知道 這
I-I don't know. I don't know. It's...
這不是 這
It's not... You know, it's...
我不知道
I don't know.
我
I'm...
我只是想做最棒的父親
I'm just trying to be the best dad I can be.
你就是啊
Well, you are.
你教會了我一切
You taught me everything.
是你造就了我
You built me up.
把我變得強大
Made me strong.
因為你我才有今天的我
You made me into who I am.
就是
Like, that's...
你 不必跑來救我
You did not have to save me tonight, Dad.
很久以前你就教會了我怎么做
You taught me how to do that a long time ago.
我愛死你了
And I love you for it.
最好的教練
Best coach ever.
多謝 謝謝
Thank you. Thank you.
噢 老爸 別這樣
Oh, Dad, come on.
堅強點
Come on, toughen up.
你能這么說我很開心
It was just really nice what you said.
沒事 沒事
It's good. It's good.
港真的
I mean it.
多謝 我感覺像
Thanks. I feel like...
菲爾·杰克遜訓練芝加哥公牛隊那樣
like Phil Jackson when he was coaching the Bulls,
而且 他們 那么厲害
and... and then the... and they were so good.
- 這就是我的感受 - 好吧
- That's how I feel right now. - Yeah.
我脫了襪子先
I should have taken my socks off first.
我先告訴你喔 我練習了幾次
Now, I'm just warning you, I've practiced a few times,
- 雖然也許不會那么順利 - 看起來不對啊
- but this might not go that well.
- That doesn't look right.
- 好吧 -- 你覺得你應該需要拿另外一個
- Yeah, all right. - I think you need another one.
- 我也這么覺得 - 等等
- I think we need another one, too. - Wait, wait.
我們得先跳舞
We have to do our dance.
- 必須的 - 什么 現在嗎
- We have to. Like, yeah, yeah. - What, now?
- 全裸 - 不是 拿那些 呃
- Naked? - No, get me one of those, um...
酒店浴袍 我想感受下絕妙的感覺
the hotel robes. I want to feel fabulous.
好吧
Okay.
就來了 夫人
Coming right up, milady.
我們得這里干干 那里干干
We're gonna christen every corner of this room.
完事之后 和我爸媽視頻聊天
And when we're done, let's FaceTime my parents.
好吧 現在
Okay, but right now,
我想讓你看著我的雙眼
I want you to stare into my eyes.
- 什么 - 嗯
- What? - Mm-hmm.
我只是想要 一種聯系
I just want, like, a real connection.
所以你是想讓我在接下來的3分37秒
So you just want me to look straight into your eyes
直勾勾地看著你雙眼
for the next three minutes and 37 seconds?
嗯 對
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
看著我
Look at me.
- 老爸 - 他在哪
- Dad? - Where is he?
- 你們在這干什么 - 查德
- What are you doing here? - Chad?
嘿 查德 你個人渣
Hey, Chad, you motherfucker.
噢 天啦嚕 你在逗我嗎
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
他有逼你做你不想做的事嗎
Did he make you do something you don't want to do?
我才不管他在學校是不是
'Cause I don't care if he's
最酷的孩子
the fucking coolest kid in school.
我會把他軟呢帽塞進
I'm gonna shove his fedora
他菊花里直到頭上
so far up his ass, it'll be a hat.
沒有 老爸, 我們沒做
No, Dad, we didn't do it.
好吧 就算做了
All right? And even if we did,
也不關你事
it would be none of your business.
我只是擔心你
It's just, I was worried about you.
呵 頭一次啊
Well, that's a first.
是我活該
I deserve that.
薩姆 我想告訴你
Sam, I gotta tell you something,
我就直說了
and I'm just gonna say it.
薩姆 我意識到過去幾年
Sam, I have realized over the last few years...
我做出了人生中最錯誤的決定
...that I have made a big mistake in my life.
什么 背著我媽偷腥
What, like cheating on my mom?
不是 是娶了你媽
Well, no. Marrying your mom.
不 那不是錯誤
But no, that... that wasn't a mistake,
因為不然我就沒有你了
because then I wouldn't have had you.
我做錯了很多事 但是最大的錯誤
I've made lots of mistakes, but th-the big mistake...
就是讓我和你媽之間的事
is that I let what happened between your mom and I
阻擋了我們倆之間的感情
get in the way of our relationship.
我很抱歉
I'm sorry.
我希望能我們能重新開始
And I hope that we can start over and...
建立我們之間的感情
build up our relationship again because...
你是我唯一的孩子
you're my only kid.
我是你的唯一的爹
And I'm your only dad.
呃 弗蘭克也是
Well, Frank is...
去他的弗蘭克
Fuck Frank.
弗蘭克還行
Frank's fine.
老爸 我能告訴你件事嗎
Dad, can I tell you something now?
說吧
Yes.
什么都行
Yes, yes, yes, anything.
我是拉拉
I'm a lesbian.
手拿來吧
Give me your hand.
你媽是怎么想的
What does your mom think?
她不知道
She doesn't know.
你先告訴了我而不是你媽
You told me before you told your mom?
- 是啊 - 特大新聞
- Yeah. - That's big news.
她不知道
She doesn't know?
- 你沒告訴弗蘭克吧 - 沒有
- You didn't tell Frank? - No.
好了 停下
Okay. Over.
別哭了
Crying is over.
你朋友怎么想
What do your girlfriends think?
我太緊張了 不敢告訴她們
No, I'm too nervous. I can't tell them.
你怕告訴凱拉和朱莉
You're nervous to tell Kayla and Julie?
只是 我不想失去我最好的朋友
It's just... I don't want to lose my two best friends.
這些是你該和你關心的人分享的事
This is the stuff you tell the people you care about.
你覺得就因為你是拉拉她們不會再支持你了
You think they're not gonna support you because you're gay?
就算你是吸血鬼她們都會支持你的
They would support you if you were a vampire.
還會更加支持你
They would support you more.
不是有那什么暮光之城嗎
With all the Twilight shit.
- 你還喜歡暮光之城嗎 - 當然不了
- Do we still like Twilight? - Definitely not.
不了啊
No, no.
噢 天啊
Oh, God.
多謝你來這里
Thanks for showing up.
真的
Really.
但是你還是得走
But you should probably leave
因為你本來來這里
because it's insane that you even came here
就很瘋狂
in the first place.
我想先和你照張相
I'd love to get a picture with you.
好吧
Yeah.
很好
Great. Okay.
先站好
Just gonna stand on this.
你知道規則的 來吧
Yeah, you know... you know the drill. Come on.
來吧
Come on. Here we go.
先換自拍模式
Gotta turn it around here.
老爸 你沒在照相
Dad, you're not taking it.
這
It's...
怎么了
What?
我會記在心里的
I'll remember this.
抱一個
Come on.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God.
怎么樣 老兄
What's up, dawg?
我剛剛 呃
So, I just, uh...
好好地做了會兒薩姆的好家長
parented the shit out of Sam.
我感覺
And I feel, uh...
噢 老天
oh, God, like, uh...
很自豪
pride, I think.
- 就這樣 - 難得啊
- That's it. - It's new.
不錯啊
Good for you, man.
多謝
Thanks.
干得不錯 朋友
Well done, my friend.
- 多謝 - 過得不錯
- Thank you. - Well done.
凱拉怎么樣了
How'd it go with Kayla?
把康納扔墻角去了
Put Connor through a wall.
真的嗎
Are you serious?
是啊 他還好
Yeah. He's okay.
他比我想象的還輕
Yeah, he's lighter than I thought.
嘿
Hey.
嗨
Hi.
朱莉 呃
So, Julie's, um...
朱莉正在愛愛了
Julie's having sex right now.
- 好吧 好好坐下 - 哇
- Okay. And sit down. - Wowie.
是啊
Yeah.
但是還行吧 對吧
But it's good. It's fine, right?
反正遲早要做的
I mean, you have to do that eventually.
對吧
Right?
- 你還好吧 - 嗯
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
他們看起來是真心喜歡對方 挺好的
They seem like they really like each other, and that's nice.
還不錯 但是有點嚇人
That's a good thing, but it's just a little, you know, scary,
萬一他不知道怎么做好呢
because what if he doesn't know how to do it right?
萬一他不知道放進哪呢
You know, like, what if he doesn't know where to put it?
他應該知道的 對吧 我應該回去嗎
But he knows, right? Should I go back up there?
- 別別別 - 別 他會弄明白的
- No. No, no, no, no. - No, no, he'll figure it out.
- 不要 - 不是這就是那了
- No, no. - It's one or the other.
不用 你就呆在這
Nope. You stay right here.
你們想去喝一杯嗎
Do you want to have a drink right now?
你是說出去玩玩
You mean, like, hang out?
是啊
Yeah.
好啊
Yes, I do.
我也去 我肯定去
I'm in. I'm definitely in.
麻煩來杯酒
Um, we will be having some shots of alcohol, please.
對 來一杯
Yes, we will.
太瘋狂了
This is crazy.
- 這 - 那我先走了
- This is... - Well, I'm going to, uh...
慢慢玩吧 我先
let you guys have your fun, and I will, uh...
下次再見
I-I will see you guys around.
嘿
Hey!
你也來吧
You, too.
好
Yeah.
嗯
Right.
爽
Fuck yeah.
朗姆酒
Pi?a colada.
給他一杯吧
Just get him a shot.
干杯
Cheers.
真折騰的一晚
What a night, guys.
真美好
That's beautiful.
我不覺得湖屋的那幾個孩子
So, I don't think the kid at the lake house
是真的肛灌了
was actually butt-chugging.
- 確實 - 對
- Definitely.
- Yeah.
- 什么 - 是啊 - 對
- What? - Yep. - Yeah.
所以他把我扔過了張桌子 呃
And so he threw me through a table, uh...
- 沒事吧 - 沒事 還行
- I'm so sorry. - No, it was cool.
我感覺 還行
I, like... I kind of feel fine.
- 好吧 再見 - 好吧 - 再見
- All right, see you. - It's cool. - See you.
嘿 各位
Hey, guys.
奧斯汀 呃 走吧我們
Austin, uh, let's go
- 去喝一杯 - 好
- get a drink, man. - Yeah, sure.
要薯條嗎
Want a fry?
當然
So badly.
我能要一根嗎
Can I have a fry, too?
- 當然 - 可以
- Yeah. - Yes.
所以
So...
我 我做不了
I... I couldn't go through with it.
我也是
Yes, I didn't. No.
臥了個槽
Holy shit.
你長大了啊
You're a woman amongst girls.
- 朱莉 - 對 - 恭喜啊
- Julie. - Yeah. - Congratu-fuck-ulations.
- 多謝 多謝 - 怎么樣
- Thank you. Thank you. - How was it?
老實說 一開始有點疼
Honestly, it was a little painful,
有點快 很尷尬
kind of fast and kind of awkward,
但是很完美
but absolutely perfect.
啊
Aw!
各位 今晚真是
You guys, so much...
發生了很多事啊
so much went down tonight.
是啊
I know.
包括康納
Including Connor.
- 不是吧 - 這么說吧
- No. - Let's just say...
主廚想吃
The Chef went out to eat...
我鮑魚了
my pussy.
挺好的
It was good.
叭叭叭
Ba-ba-ba!
- DJ 查德 - 那是查德嗎
- DJ Chad. - Is that Chad?
- 是查德啊 查德 - 是查德
- That's Chad. Chad! - That's Chad.
就是查德
Yes, Chad!
臥了個槽 爽 查德
Holy shit. Fuck yeah, Chad!
各位 我要告訴你們
Guys, I got to tell you something.
好吧
Okay, okay.
真的
Really?
- 是啊 - 等等 你是
- Yeah. - Wait, you are?
對
Yeah.
愛你喔
I love you.
永遠
Forever.
你也是
And you, too.
噢 天啦嚕
Oh, my God!
- 愛你們喔 等等 - 薩姆 過來
- I love you. Hold on. - Sam, come here, you.
不好意思
Excuse me.
我不敢相信你之前沒告訴我們
I can't believe you didn't tell us.
是啊
Yay!
- 噢 好了 - 嘿
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
- 嘿 - 嗨
- Hey. - Hi.
噢
Oh.
呃 朱莉 我想那好像有什么東西
Uh, Julie, I think we got something over here.
披風挺酷的啊
Dope cape.
我沒有
And I'm not...
誤解吧
misreading things.
你去洛杉磯的話會天天打電話給我的 對吧
So you'll call me every day till you get to L.A., right?
對 天天打
Yeah, and then, like, every day after that.
好
Okay.
我會想念你的
I'm gonna miss you so much.
你會好好的
You're gonna be okay, though.
會嗎
Are you gonna be okay?
對 我會的
Yeah, I'm fine.
這很奇怪是因為
It's the weirdest thing because...
我這18年來一直擔心這一天的到來
I have been worried about this day for 18 years,
怕我早上起床后
and then I wake up this morning, and...
什么也沒有了
nothing.
我也沒感覺到什么
Like, I don't feel emotional at all.
只是覺得
I just feel, like...
- 很奇幻 - 嗯
- It's so bizarre. - Mm-hmm.
那是什么
What is that?
好像濺了我一臉水
It's, like, splashing on me.
是啊 好神奇
I know. Isn't that so strange?
對啊
Yeah.
愛你喔 老媽
I love you, Mom.
我愛你
I love you.
不是 我有錢的 我
No, I have money. I...
麗莎 告訴她我能買得起
Lisa, tell him I can afford br...
呃 不好意思
Hmm. Sorry. Sorry.
好了 快來
All right, come on.
趕快上路吧
Let's get this road trip started!
- 我們等著你呢 - 我愛你
- We're waiting for you! - I love you.
- 拜 - 好了
- Bye. - Okay.
噢 等等 我錄個像
Oh, hold on. Let me take a video.
- 愛你喔 - 愛你
- I love you. - I love you.
拜 老媽
Bye, Mom.
- 愛你 - 好了 拜
- I love you. - Okay, bye.
- Mwah - 再見
- Mwah! - See you.
把朱莉送到加利福尼亞后 你和凱拉
Drop Julie off in Cali, and then you and Kayla
- 馬上回家 - 也許吧
- come right back home. - That's a, a big maybe.
- 記得發短信 - 嘿
- And text, please. Please. - Hey.
你倆照顧好我媽 好嗎?
Take care of my mom, you two, okay?
- 會的 - 再見了 大家伙
- We will. All right. - Later, big guy.
- 拜 老爸 - 我要去大學了 - 拜
- Bye, Dad. - I'm going to college! - Bye!
開車小心點 小伙子 這些貨很珍貴的
Drive careful, young man. That's precious cargo.
愛你
Love you!
- 啊 - 來抱一個
- Aw. - Come on.
- 各位 - 抱一個 - 我們做到了
- Guys. - Come on. - We did it.
我們做到了 我們做到了
We did it. We did it.
我們做好父母了
We parented.
- 我們做到了 - 我們做到了
- We did it. - We did it.
噢 是朱莉
Oh, it's Julie.
噢 我一定是不小心加進
Oh, I must have been accidentally added to the...
群聊了
the group conversation.
- 我們應該退群吧 - 那是什么
- Oh, well, should probably leave. - What's, uh...
"不敢相信我們就要獨立了"
"Can't-can't believe we're on our own now."
- 嗷 太好了 - 是啊
- Aw, that's sweet. - Yeah.
"我們要吸嗨翻天"
"We're gonna get lit af."
"吸嗨翻天"
"Lit A.F."
這不妙
That's not great.
不是 這是 他們是要學文學 非洲文學
No, it's... they're gonna get literature. African literature.
你覺得那就是"lit A.F."的意思嗎
You think that's what "lit A.F." means?
你覺得她們互相談文學
You think they're talking to each other about, like...
- "吸嗨翻天" - "主廚能給我們些"
- "Lit A.F." - "Can The Chef get us..."
樹 什么是樹
Trees? What the hell's trees?
樹是大麻 早和你說過了
Trees mean weed. I told you that.
- 蘑菇 藥丸 - 不是 藥丸就是
- Mushrooms, pills. - No, the pills are...
用于緩解過敏性鼻炎有關的癥狀
凱拉過敏 那是開瑞坦
Kayla's allergy. That's Claritin.
那不是開瑞坦 看清楚
It's not Claritin. Look.
雪花 是吹的
Snowflakes. That's blow.
"#沒有家長沒有家規"
"#NoParentsNoRules.
"#狂吸毒 #無套"
# MadDrugs. # NoCondoms."
為什么她們要這樣帶話題
Why would they hashtag that?
等等 那是針頭和茄子嗎
Wait, I'm sorry. Is that a needle and an eggplant?
怎么 她們想注射些海洛因到某個男的小雞雞上
What, are they gonna inject heroin into some guy's dick?
- 走吧 - 上車
- Let's go. - Let's get in the car.
- 我來開車 - 我坐后面
- I'll drive. - I'm sitting behind you.
等等等等
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
我們鬧著你們玩的
We're just messing with you.
哈哈
Ha-ha!
"愛你們喔 別擔心"
"We love you guys. Don't worry."
你們被整慘了 我是知道的
You guys were so pranked! I was in on it.
- 你才不知道 - 不是 我知道 我只是不知道
- You didn't know. - No, no, I did. I didn't know it was
是現在 所以才能騙到你們
coming right now. That's why I kind of sold it so well.
不過沒關系
But it doesn't matter.
但是你們就像 "臥了個槽"
But you guys were like, "Holy shit!"
- 是啊 - 嗚
- Yeah. - Whew.
稍后有彩蛋 不要走開
該死 米切爾
Damn it, Mitchell.
馬可
Marco.
波羅
Polo.
我
I...
米切爾 你在偷吃東西嗎
Mitchell, are you getting a snack?
我很高興我們能做這些
I'm so glad we can do stuff like this
反正現在凱拉已經上大學了
now that Kayla's in college.
我都不知道你在哪
I have no idea where you are.
等我找到你看看我能做些什么吧
I'm gonna do so much stuff to you when I find you.
- 噢 - 馬可
- Oh, oh. - Marco.
- 波羅 - 啊
- Polo. - Ah, ah.
波羅
Polo!
不敢相信 找了好久了
I can't believe you! It took forever!
我在樓梯上花太多時間了
I spent so much time on the stairs.
- 做到了 - 我們做到了
- We're doing this. - We're, like, totally doing it.
- 是啊 好熱 - 瘋狂起來吧
- I know. It's hot. - Let's just get crazy.
不知道
I don't know.
我想讓你抓住我的蛋蛋
I want you to grab my balls,
像羅恩 呃 大力點
like Ron likes it, like, uh... like, hard.
啊
Ah
啊
Ah
啊
Ah
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