The mum's in tonight.
So I don't have to give her three rings.
Let her know I'm safe.
Do you ever do that? Give your mum three rings,
let her know you're safe.
And after the second ring, she picks it up, so what's the point of that?
I rang her the other week from London, she said, "Where are you?"
I said, "I'm in London."
"You don't sound like you're in London."
I said, "What do you want?
"Chas and Dave singing Rabbit behind me or something like that?"
# Snooker loopy nuts are we... #
I love it when the phone rings about half-past ten at night,
and you're both like that, "Who the hell's this?
"Who the hell is this? Who's this ringing at this time?
"Who the hell is this?" Pick it up, you'll never know.
Pointing. "Who's this?
"It's rung off, it's rung off.
"1471...
"The caller withheld their number."
Or when someone rings you and they're trying to give you
a phone number, you can never find a pen. There's never a pen.
There's always one pen that never works.
"I'll just get a pen, just hang on.
"Shit. I'll just get a pen. Pen, pen... Have you got a pen, love?
"The bloody pens I've had in this house. The bloody pens
"I've had in this house.
"I don't want an eyeliner, I want a pen.
"I'm on the phone!"
Down the side of the couch.
"Pound coin - that's mine. I'll tell you that."
You always end up with the little blue, shitty lottery pens
about that big. Look at the pen I've got.
"Go on, sorry, I've got a pen now. Oh, Jesus.
"Somebody's chewed through the end of it. Somebody's bitten
"through the end of it, so now every time you try and write,
"the nib goes up inside."
So now you've got to carve the number into the paper now.
"30729... I'm going to buy a box of pens
"and I'm going to put them on that pissing phone table,
"I'll tell you now."
My name's Marc Park and that means one thing -
talent and charisma.
# Big time I'm on my way, I'm making it
# Big time
I've got to make it a show, yeah
# Big time... #
The pressures of Marc's new-found celebrity status
meant that he now needed a manager.
He settled for local entrepreneur Bernie St Angelo,
owner of BS Entertainments, a subsidiary of BS Taxis.
I decided to go with Bernie because he was a lot like me in many ways.
Ambitious, talented, successful.
And he'd also handled the Nolans.
The minute I clapped eyes on him, I knew he had what it takes.
He had that aura, a special kind of magic.
You know, you can't buy that for love nor money. It's a gift.
It really is, it's a rare and it's precious like gold. What is it?
That is talent, my friend, and this lad shits it.
And he better not suffer from vertigo neither
cos he's going straight to the top.
A friend of mine had a phone call one afternoon.
She had all her family around.
"Hello? Hello? What did you say?
"I can't hear... Can you just turn that television down?
"I'm on the phone here. What are you saying?
"Right down! I can't hear you, love. Just hang on."
She took the phone outside.
"What did you say?"
"How big are your tits?"
It were a dirty phone call, and she dragged him around the house.
"For the third and final time - how big...?
"I'm in a payphone here, I'm in a payphone here.
"There's a queue outside.
"There's me pips. Me pips have gone."
What are pips? What are pips? What ARE pips?
Pip-pip-pip-pip-pip!
"Pips have gone, the pips have gone, Mum!"
Then you talk quicker. You try and cram it all in after the pips.
FAST GIBBERISH
Pips - lost her.
This is all a bit much, isn't it?
Having a funeral service at the supermarket.
I think it's nice.
He'd have loved all this.
Should be in work.
Oh, I wished we'd gone to the crematorium now.
I can't, I've got too much to do.
They've me working on the new trolley safety policy now
after what happened last week.
Hope they've got a pound to split them trolleys.
RADIO:Golden hour with hits and headlines from a chosen year.
This morning, it's the year Tom Hanks bagged his second Oscar for
Forrest Gump, and Scottish band Stiltskin were riding high
at the top of the charts with this rock classic.
But what was the year?
1994.
Oh, that's clever.
So who's going to be collecting trolleys now, then?
Barbara Bask's eldest lad.
He's home from uni for the summer.
Well, whoever he is, he'll never replace old Ted.
The Forever FM Golden Hour...
Ooh. Then again...
He's shot up, hasn't he?
Hasn't he just?
Right, come on - work.
OK.Come on!
Texting's bad.
Texting's the devil.
Takes over your life, texting.
I sit at night, me, with me phone on the arm of the couch
looking every few seconds just to see if someone's text me.
Billy no mates.
IMITATES TEXT ALERT
"Vodafone have new offers, if you would like..."
Oh, balls to your offers!
I want friends! That's what I want, not offers.
But when you text, you text crap.
What are you watching?
What R U watching?
"Big Brother." "So am I."
"I know, we're in the same room."
Send. Send.
What are you doing? Sending this.
I've got full signal. Send. I've got to get higher,
I've got to get higher. Send.
After the surprise success of the debut single,
Bernie was finally in a position to negotiate a record deal
for Marc's much anticipated first album.
That's my favourite line, that.
This is it. This is what it's all been leading to.
This is my album, my baby, this.
And then we go straight into Radio Gaga.
It's a very eclectic mix, the album.
There's new and there's old on it.
I really want it to be a reflection of my influences.
A tribute to the artists that have helped influence my talent.
I'd always been passionate about black music.
That rural, ethnic, soulful sound - the sound of the streets.
Aswad, UB40, Eddie Grant.
The album has enabled me to work
with some of the finest musicians in the world.
The Samambi Singers are an incredible trio
we flew over from South Africa.
I heard their tape once at a party.
I was blown away by the vocality. So skilful.
I wanted to embrace that pure sound, harness that pure energy.
THEY HARMONISE
But don't worry - I'm not doing a bloody Paul Simon Graceland thing.
Yeah, that was terrible. He just exploited those people.
I mean, as if they hadn't been through enough already.
I saw that film, Amistad on Sky Premiere the other night.
I mean, those guys really had a rough ride.
This album sounds like it's come from your heart.
What did you want to say with African Tears?
I wanted to say something about the turmoil
that the people of Africa have been through.
I want to tell...
Not just them, anyone who's ever experienced any form
of hatred and oppression.
Anyone who's ever felt that painful fear
of not knowing where your next meal's coming from.
Or anyone who's ever had to fight to exist, to struggle.
I struggled for many years as a greengrocer
in the fruit and veg business.
They were hard times.
I used to cry myself to sleep many nights and,
like so many others, I found faith in the future
through African Tears.
# African tears African tears
# Fall from the skies Fall from our eyes
# Rain in our huts
# African tears, African tears
# African tears for souvenirs
# And no-one seems to care at all
# Down in Soweto there's a child
# Who thinks a land mine is a ball
# And at night I used to cry
# At night, I prayed for peace
# I remember burning tyres and the riot police... #
Think about the money.
This is great, lads. Absolutely fantastic.
Answering machines and old people -
that's not a good combination I find.
Whenever me nan rings. BEEP! "Hello, Peter, it's your nana.
"Hello?
"Hello, love?
"I don't like these bloody things.
"Hello?
"Peter? I don't think he's heard..."
DEEPER VOICE: "Hello! Hello, it's your grandad.
"Hello?
"It's your grandad.
"I don't think he's there I can't hear him.
"Well, why's that back door open?
"Well, what are you defrosting?"
Ten minutes on your machine, these two having a conversation.
They just forget and walk off.
Our answering machine at home says,
please leave your name and number after the beep.
Beep! "Hello, my name is Mum.
"And my number..." Like you're not going to know your own mum.
I got me mum a cordless phone for her birthday.
And I keep saying, when we've had a conversation
and you want to hang up, you've got to push the red button. Right?
"Do I not just put it back in its holster?"
"Its what? Holster? It's a phone, not a gun. What are you on about?
"Push the red button because if you don't push it,
"you've not hung up.
"You're still on the line and I can't make a call from our house
"because I can still hear you in the front room of your house
"talking to Pat about menopause. I can't..."
"Pat, Pat, I've tried HRT, Pat. I've tried HRT."
"Whoo, whoo, whoo! Mum!
"I can hear every word! Push the red button!
"Whoo! Mum!"
"Shh, can you hear voices? Can you hear that?
"Can you hear voices? That's the HRT, Pat. That's the HRT."
"It's not, it's us, the Borrowers. Put the phone down!
"We're over here near the skirting boards."
I tell you, if it's not one thing, it's your mother.
MUSIC: Down Down by Status Quo
# I want all the world to see
# To see you're laughing and you're laughing at me
# I can take it all from you
# Again, again, again, again, again, again, again... #
Speed camera! It flashed! It flashed!
I do not believe you. Did you not see it?Obviously not.
I am driving, I'm a bit busy. Speed cameras.
I'll tell you what they are - money-spinners for the police.
I just paid for their Christmas piss-up.
"What'll it be, Sarge?
"Oh, I'll have a double whiskey please. Paddy's paying."
Can you not blame it on the music?
The music?The music.
It were playing - say it got you all geed up.
No, I don't think that will hold up in court, Max.
Reason for speeding? Status Quo. No.
Paddy's had enough.
I'm making a stand right here, right now.
We're going to do something about this, me and you.
HORN TOOTS
Hey, hey! That's right!
Whoa!
A leg and a wing, and a jolly good swing. And a one, two, three!
You can tell you're home. Look at the balloons they gave me.
Look at the stage weights. Pots of paint.
No expense spared in Bolton.
Stars in Your Eyes - tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be
Glenn Miller.
He went up them steps and through that fog, and no-one's seen him since,
ladies and gentlemen.
For the old people in the audience.
Old people, you can't beat them, can you?
Pity.
I'm joking!
Especially when they're trying to draw money out at the
cash machine with a Blockbuster video card.
Used to be an old woman next door to us, there were a power cut one night.
Miss Wild - ooh, she were - there were a power cut one night.
My mum went round to see she if was all right. Knocked on the door.
She had a hand mic and an amp.
"Are you all right?
"I was worried about you because there's been a power cut."
"What's wrong with your voice? You're not even Irish.
"I thought there had been a power cut but then the bus went
"past with its lights on."
"Yeah, they plug them in now, love. With a wire, round town.
Did you ever do that at school?
My mum's got curly hair and brushes her teeth.
Coming up, my first guest tonight.
He used to be a warm-up comic on this very show, but quickly
he became what he is now - a superstar of comedy.
Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Kay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everybody! Hello, hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello.Hello.
Where am I? Sit down there, sit there.
I almost sat over there, then.
It's all changed now, hasn't it? I've not been on ITV.
You'll like it here, it's a bit bigger.
Casters. Oh, no, you've not got them.
I thought you had casters.Casters!
I thought you had casters. I thought that's why you came, you were getting casters.
And close-ups.
Go easy on them slow-zooms, I'm telling you now.
I could see Jerry Springer's fillings last week.
It was like that!
I was sat at home - "What's the craic with this?"
He's like that. Pull back, pull back.
Listen, first question I want to ask you - how is your nan?
Oh, she's fine.
She's 84 in December.
She'll not like me saying that, but whatever.
I always say it anyway.
Not last year, because she was 83.
She's fine, yes. She's well. She sends her love.
She wants to know when Give Us A Clue is coming back.
Now you're back on ITV, when is the big reunion?
You and Lionel, Una, eh? These were the days!
Don't you worry about it.
I would love to do charades with you, I'll tell you that.
We had me nan doing Jumanji at Christmas.
Two hours, she were at it.
She stopped eating eggs because she don't want bird flu.
That's true! Anyway, go on.
Go on!
I took her out the other day in the car, and me sister rang
up and I've got this hands-free thingy in me car.
So, me sister went, "Hiya." Are you all right?"
I went, "Yeah, I'm fine."
I went, "And me nan's with me." She went, "Hello, Nan."
And me nan's went, "Hello, Julie."
But she is talking to the door. Because that's where the speaker is.
"Hello, Julie!"
I went, "She's everywhere, not in the doors."
Me nana lives in a warden-controlled flat.
Yes! Look at her!
Warden control means you get a piece of red rope hanging
from your ceiling in the front room, with a red plastic triangle on the bottom.
There's one in the bathroom, that's tied up. Right?
And when she pulls that, that goes through to Dougie.
He's 14 mile away, doing a word search.
It's an extra tenner a month.
And when I go around, she will say, "Don't pull that,
"that's for the warden."
But you know when you've had your tea?
And you're watching telly and then you go in the kitchen.
"Oh, Nana, I've pulled it!" "Oh, bloody hell, no!
"That's for the warden!"
Alarm goes off, shutters on the windows, laser beams.
Dougie's on the intercom.
"Is everything all right, Mrs Kay? Is everything all right? It's Dougie.
"Do you want th'ambulance? Do you want th'ambulance?
"Are you on the floor? Are you breathing?
"Are you blue? Are your lips blue?"
"It's all right, Dougie.
"It were me grandson, he thought it were the big light. You're all right."
"I'm all right."
"Hey, Dougie, hey - it's Peter here. She's on her own here, you know, lad.
"Balls to your word search. Are you listening? 10-4.
"She's just been trying to change the channel
"with her bloody glasses case. Over.
"She's been trying to rewind the CD.
"Eyeball."
Sat with the glasses' case.
"These batteries are dud. Just put fresh 'uns in.
"Rubbing them. Yeah, rubbing them! Take them out and rub them.
"Take them out, swap them round, put them back in. Another five days, there."
I take her out sometimes - I don't mean with a rifle.
I mean, in the car. She won't put her seat belt on.
She just holds it round her. Have you ever come across that with grandmas?
They just hold it. "I'll just hold it around me.
"We're all right, we're only going up the road. I'll just hold it round me."
"You're that far from the clip, just put it in. That's just laziness, that!
"Just clip it in."
"No, I'll just hold it round me."
Calls it a life belt.
"I'll just hold me life belt round me."
Life belt.
She's always getting her words wrong.
She come round our house, she went - "Ooh, have you got Spider-Man on VD?"
"Have you got one of them VD players?
"I'll tell you what I won't mind, one of them new George Formby
"grills, they're all the rage."
A George Formby grill!
"Turned out nice again..." Like that...
Things couldn't be better for Marc Park.
His success in the last 12 months have brought him
all the trappings of stardom.
What do you think?
This is mine.
Personalised number plate.
I know you don't have to be famous to have one but I think you look
like a tosser if you do, and you're not.
MEMPC 2? MEMPC 2.
That, that's the strangest thing because that was already
on when I got her. But what does it mean?
Well, it's me. It's me.
I don't understand. It's me.
Look - me is there already.
Look - me, Marc Park.
Me, Marc Park.
I know there's no C on Park.
Well, you could have that. You could have Marc Park there.
Or you can have it there.
Me, Marc Park.
Forget the C. And forget the 2.
The 2 doesn't mean anything.
But me, Marc Park.
Look at that.
That's fate, that.
Shit like that freaks me out.
Bernie got the house for me.
I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it.
And he got a great deal as well.
The guy wanted a quick sale, so he managed to get the place
job lot, furniture and everything.
Bargain Bernie, that's what I like to call him.
I'm still in the middle of moving in.
I'm thinking of getting the place double-glazed,
because I can imagine it will probably be a bugger
to heat in winter.
I try to live a pretty routined life.
The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is yoga.
I find it helps stimulate my mind and my body.
I can do things now with my body that I couldn't do when I was 16.
It is very exciting.
VACUM CLEANER STARTS
How much is pick and mix now at the cinemas?
Eh? Bloody scandalous, isn't it?
I went to the pick and mix, I said, "You're all right,
"Nan, help yourself to pick and mix, I'll get these.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa - fudge?
"Fudge?
"Feel the weight of them before you put them in.
"Flumps, marshmallows, that's what you want.
"Flying saucers, you can have as many of them as you want.
"She's 82, you robbing bastards, yeah?
"You should wear a mask and a striped jumper.
"Eh? Not pear drops.
"Don't go mad. I'm not made of money."
I took her to Manchester to watch a film.
It were a big multiplex which were making a buzzing noise, right?
First 20 minutes...
IMITATES BUZZING
I don't know what me hand's for.
I went downstairs, I thought, "I'm not having this because people won't complain.
"There could be someone on fire on the back row and no-one would go down."
So I went down, knocked on the door and this young Manc lad come
to the door. He went, "Are you all right?"
I said, "No, son, I'm not."
I said, "Screen five's buzzing."
He said, "Oh, cheers, nice one.
"I'll tell the manager."
Like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"I'm not reviewing it, sunshine.
"It's making a noise.
"I'm not Barry Norman. Get it fixed."
Can you sing, Sandra? Not at all.
No, you can't. No voice at all.
My parents were opera singers.
They say the gene skips a generation, it did.
It did? Absolutely.All right.
Is there anybody in your family that suggested you might have a fine
singing voice? Was that your first ambition?
To be a singer?
No.
I just did it for a laugh.
You did my Comic Relief video, and I said to you when
we were filming.
I just said, "I sang this song, play
"it on your show on the radio on a Sunday."
You went, "Why don't you sing it?"
And I went, "Yeah, that'll be a laugh."
And then you went, "Go on."
I told Susan, I said, "I'm singing a song."
She went, "What are you doing that for?" I said, "It'll be a bit of fun." So, it's a bit of fun.
Well, that's the idea. We are having fun.
Oh, I'm not saying... But I'm not Michael Ball!
There is no album coming out.
You've cancelled Scissor Sisters on the strength of this.
No pressure.
The choice of song is interesting because this wasn't one of the six
LPs you had as a kid growing up.
No, it's not.
But, I'm singing it for me nan.
Where are you? For Edie, right?
I told her I was singing it. And she went, "What?!
"You're not!" And I went, "I am." And she went, "You're not!"
She still thinks it's a wind-up.
And when I sang it on a show on Granada, a television station
up in the north of England.
I sang it and me nan came to watch me.
There was no audience, she was just sat on a chair.
I finished and I came over and she said,
"Ooh, you're no Sinatra, are you?"
Not, "Well done." She's like, "You're no Sinatra."
So, I'll sing it for her.For Nan. And for all of us.
Peter Kay, your band is over there.
CHEERING
MUSIC: L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole
This is for me nana and for Sandra.
# L is for the way you look
# At me... #
You can clap.
# O is for the only one I see... #
CLAPPING IN TUNE
# V is very, very extraordinary
# E is even more than anyone that you adore
# And love is all that I can give to you
# Love is more than just a game for two
# Two in love can make it
# Take my heart and please don't break it
# Love was made for me and you... #
Here we go - point!
# L is for the way you look at me
# O is for the only one I see
# V is very, very extraordinary
# E.... #
The words are there.
# ..is even more than anyone that you adore
# And love is all that I can give to you
# Love is more than just a game for two
# Two in love can make it
# Take my heart and please don't break it
# Love was made for me and you
# Love was made for me and you. #
Thank you!
CHEERING