This film contains scenes which some viewers may find upsetting,
graphic violent scenes, and very strong language
Well, it's 1935 or thereabouts.
It was bombed during the war
and patched up with plasticine and Blu Tack.
The interior guttering is a unique feature, which is caused by
the raging damp, but Latimer and Haines
are supplying windscreen wipers for your television set.
You've got otter traps in the cellar and a free aqualung course
at the local tech college. Well, I'm not saying it's damp, of course,
but if the water levels rise any more,
you could find yourself selling a houseboat in a couple of years.
Are you trying to tell us there's a problem with the damp?
No, what I'm really trying to say, sir,
is that this is the best house I've ever sold.
I mean, I don't need to do a hard sell on this.
Look at it. It's terrific.
Tell you what I'll do, I'll let you in,
you can have a look round on your own and, uh, what, I'll come back
in about 15 minutes, OK? I'll tell you, if this house don't sell itself,
I'm a monkey's uncle.
HE IMITATES MONKEY
# In Napoli, where love is king
# When boy meets girl
# Here's what they say
# When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
# That's amore
# When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
# That's amore
# Bells will ring
# Ting-a-ling-a-ling
# And you'll sing, "Vita bella"
# Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay
# Tippy-tippy-tay like a gay Tarantella
# When the stars make you drool just like pasta e fasule
# That's amore
# When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
# You're in love
# When you walk in a dream
# But you know you're not dreaming, signore
# 'Scusa me , but you see, back in old Napoli
# That's amore
# When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
# That's amore
# When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
# That's amore
# Bells will ring Ting-a-ling-a-ling
# Ting-a-ling-a-ling And you'll sing
# Vita bella Vita belle, vita bella
# Hearts will play Tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
# Like a gay Tarantella
# Lucky fella
# When the stars make you drool just like pasta e fasule
# That's amore That's amore
# When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
# You're in love... #
Fuck you! Wankers!
# When you walk in a dream... #
THEY SHOUT
# But you know you're not dreaming
# Signore... #
SHOUTING
# 'Scusa me, but you see
# Back in old Napoli, that's amore
# Amore
# That's amore. #
Transgressed the unwritten law, this has.
Can you do anything with those scratches?
HE SCOFFS
Sorry, boss.
Ta.
It's not honest, you know, Bex. It's all in hand, Nunk.
ENGINE REVS
Ta-ra! See you later.
HE HONKS LA MARSEILLAISE
That is well out of order. You don't let people treat you like shit.
I learned that in the Army. You sort it out there and then.
Otherwise, they'll shit on you every other minute of the day.
Well, you tell him, then. Don't you worry, I'll sort Bexy out.
# Da-da, da-da... #
THEY SING
Very funny, son! Very funny!
All right, hold it, hold it down, hold it down!
What you having, girls? Heart attack, if you're paying, shorty.
Got him! Shut up! Now, do you want to try the tactful approach
or are you tired of living?
Well, I'll have a pint of Drambuie if you're flush, Aitch. Flush?
Me? Look at me wodge. I got loads of money, loads of money!
Give me some of that money, mate. Oi, did you find anything interesting
while you were crawling up around Bexy's anal passage?
Nah, only your rasta cat, man.
Bloodclaat, me wonder where me leave that thing, you know?
Where's me boy? Oi, Nocka! Nocka, come on!
All right, what you having? Vodka and tonic.
What you want, Snowy?
Hey, I'll have a Babycham.
Right, that's three lager tops .
What do you want, JC? Lager!
Trigg? Snakebite, Aitch.
And a snakebite for Rambo.
LAUGHTER, SHOUTING
Hey, hold up, hold up. Hang on, meet the girlfriend.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Come on, girls, give us a flash.
Come on, boys, get a load of this.
ALL: Oh!
Here you are, cheap thrills. Woo!
TO THE TUNE OF BREAD OF HEAVEN: # Get your tits out
ALL: # Get your tits out
# Get your tits out for the boys
# Get your tits out for the boys! # Oi!
You want to T-Cut that.
Don't be bleedin' stupid. Nah, rub it down first.
Should be all right. I don't believe you sometimes.
Needs a new skin, that does. Oh, like spending money, do you, son?
Yeah, well, when you've got it, Dad.
Yeah, well, I hope you give him a bloody good kicking.
That's all I can say. No, I'm just going to forget it.
If I was you, I'd go round his gaff
and pour brake fluid all over his paintwork.
See how that goes down. Dad, I know what I'm doing.
I've got my reasons, all right? Shut up.
Darling! Beloved!
When one's finished making love to the car,
does one wish to carve or not? IN RP ACCENT: Well, one would,
but one's got turps all over one's hands.
Super!
Cheer up, Dad.
BABY BABBLES
SHE CHUCKLES
You all right?
Yes...
Hello, babes. Hello, darling.
SHE CHUCKLES
Boo!
Why don't we let them take Sammy down the park for a bit?
What, let my mum stuff him full of sweets?
Well, that's what grandparents are supposed to do, innit?
Yeah, one or two, but the rate the old girl stuffs them down his neck,
I'm surprised she's got time to take them out of the bleeding packet.
Oh, well, it was just an idea.
I thought I might let you stick your willy up me.
That's a nice idea, isn't it? Yeah.
Have you got any drawers on?
Oh, blimey, suspenders?
I'm wet. Hello, Bill, you seen the motor?
Bexy?
Trigg, you bastard, this ain't the bleeding boozer, you know!
You got your in-laws playing in the garden.
I didn't expect to find you having it off in the living room, did I?
We were not having it off.
What do you want, anyway?
We got to do 'em, Bexy, tonight!
You can't let people treat you like shit!
All right, Trigg, mate, calm down.
Well, look at it! I've been looking at it. I've seen it, mate.
That is well out of order! Trigger, Trigger.
Look at me, son. Look at me.
Do I look concerned?
No, you don't! You should!
It's all in hand, mate. Now, cool out, guy, you know?
Heart attack time.
Well, ta-ta, then.
A cup of tea would have been nice.
Give my love to your mum.
Have you brought his nappy with you?!
Can't get 'em! The Buccaneers
must have used 'em all up. Piss off!
Sh! Listen.
We ain't been in Europe for three years, right?
In two weeks' time, there's going to be half of Europe
waiting in Germany for us. So?
Oh, no reason, Oboe, you leery prat. LAUGHTER
Is there anyone in?
Look, I know they don't cover it in The Beano,
so I'll tell you what's been happening. I've seen it.
There's over 4,000 Dutch booked in for Germany, for a start.
4,000, Oboe, you micro moron.
This is not a bunch of tulip growers on a day trip to
the Munich Beer Festival. These geezers are coming tooled up,
and 12 car workers from Birmingham with their brains in
their right hand ain't going to do nothing. If we sell them
a British car, the poor bastards will be stranded there for life.
Listen! Listen! If we don't stick together, they're going to have us
on our toes before we get off the Harwich ferry.
Sounds like you're running scared already, Bexy boy. Right! Ooh!
Oh, that's funny.
Dumb animals aren't supposed to speak, are they?
Animal, I might be. Dumb, I ain't. Did you win this morning?
I always win, Yeti, you should know that by now. That's funny,
didn't look like it to me.
Looked like we walked into your back yard and tinted your windscreen,
nobody lifted a finger. Remember?
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
Oi! Oi! Oi! What are you two slags going on about?
Our friend from the Buccaneers here thinks that driving a car
across a football pitch at 50 mile an hour means he's had a result.
Shows imagination, though, don't it? Yeah, well, I suppose it would
to you, Yeti. I mean, when you've got the intellectual capacity
of a lump of jelly, I should think anything shows imagination,
don't you? Are you two slags going to bitch all night?
Cos we've got a train to catch, OK?
Now, are you going to tell us about this mega plan of yours or what?
It's simple, Oboe.
Even you and Snow White might get the drift.
If we don't stick together, they're going to trample all over us.
Told you, he's running scared.
Oh, am I wasting my time here or what?
Look, I'm recruiting for a national firm. Do you want in or what?
Oh, don't tell me,
you want to be top girl!
Of course!
There you are, Oboe, I told you it was simple enough for you to grasp!
Who's a clever little girl, then?
You make me sick, you Cockneys.
Always think you've got the right to run things.
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
Nah, no, no, no, you couldn't run a piss-up in a brewery.
You're a joke! I'm off. What's the matter, love,
getting too late for you, is it? Here, Nunky, ring Room Service
and get Oboe's warm milk - it's well past his bedtime.
I ain't following a bunch of thumb suckers.
You want to run a national firm, friend,
you put your arse in gear behind us, right?
Oh, what, with your track record? You need an A to Z to find a bog!
Well, at least I wouldn't be on it all night, shitting myself.
Listen, this is a fact, right? Past two seasons, right,
we have rumbled every one in here.
THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
Have a look at this, Cliffy, we've got pigs flying over here!
Hold up!
All right, look, ten of you, ten of us.
You take us out with just the top boys about
and then you can take us on tour, sunshine. Ditto!
Dildo, mate - the word is dildo. You are a pair of dildos.
LAUGHTER
Listen, friend,
if we want to go tulip picking, we'll go with me as top boy.
And if you want to stop us, then you'll have to come and rumble us.
All right? All right.
And when you two shirt lifters have finished,
the winner can come down to us.
I'll leave you with the ICC motto.
We come in peace, we leave you in pieces.
Do you want your spanking now?
You, Oboe,
Tuesday.
You...
..Blondie,
Saturday.
Look over your shoulders, girls.
CHANTING: Pieces! Pieces!
Pieces! Pieces! Pieces!
CHANTING: ICC! ICC! ICC! ICC! ICC!
CHANTING CONTINUES
Ta-ta, mate. Here, say hello to Gus for me. He owes me a fiver.
That you, Clive?
I hope so. Otherwise, you're being burgled.
Want a cup of tea, love? Yeah, lovely.
Is there any hot water, Mum? Yeah.
LOCKS DOOR
Right.
Clive! Sue rang earlier.
She wants to know what time you'll be home.
Uh, about half eight. All right.
Yeti!
Oboe! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
You on for tomorrow night, then? A bit short notice, isn't it?
You'd have found out last night if you'd turned up.
Well, I'm very sorry, Mr Bissell, but if it comes to a choice between
having a drink with a load of hooligans and getting my end away,
you come a very poor second, chief.
Which reminds me, don't forget, I was supposed to be with you, right?
Oh, yeah. How'd you get on?
Well, when I got her out of the light, I changed me mind.
Oh! That's an original way of saying you didn't get anywhere.
She was a dog! I'm telling you, Bex, every woman has a right to be ugly,
but this one just abused the privilege.
Yeah, well, never mind, my son.
Listen, I just might accidentally let my tongue slip
if you don't get up a posse for tomorrow night.
Yeah, all right, all right, I'm in, I'm in.
Look, I'll take the new motor, right?
Yeah. 4.30, there. What?! Well, it's an element of surprise, innit?
Ah, it's all right for you, innit? You can just pretend you're selling
an Arab a garage for 50 grand. I get missed if I do a bunk.
What's the matter with you? Latimer, 12.00, Hythe.
Yeah, bollocks. Trouble, Simon, I've got to go. See you there.
4.30, on the dot.
We must distinguish, I think,
between the bovver boy yobbo-type hooligans,
so representative of the 1970s,
and today's more sophisticated, more disciplined hooligans.
Most of them have jobs. In fact,
some of them have quite skilled jobs and quite a comfortable lifestyle.
Basically, I see it as a kind of search for meaning,
an attempt to validate their lives, give it significance.
Why don't he just tell them we like hitting people?
# Wank, wank, wank, wank, wank
# Wank, wank, wank, wank... # Tosser!
# Wank, wank, wank, wank, wank
# Wank, wank, wank, wank
# Wank, wank, wank, wank, wank
# Wank, wank, wank
# Wank, wank, wank. #
Oi! You'll wake the baby up.
Sorry, Sue, it was Nunky.
No, it was all of us.
Can you turn that down a bit, please?
It's finished, anyway. Load of crap.
What's happening tomorrow, then?
Well, you can get yourself over to Sime's for about midday.
You can go in the car. Oh, why can't I come on the train, Bex?
Because you are an under-five
and you're not allowed to play on the chuff-chuff.
And anyway, you always turn up with no money,
and muggins here ends up paying for you, that's why.
So? You've got to pay for the best, boss.
Besides, you make the first-class carriages look a mess, son.
How can a man who wears rejects from an Oxfam shop have a go at him?
Leave it, Trigger.
OK, you can come with us, but no jeans,
bring your sweets, don't forget your pocket money.
Yo!
Is SHE coming? Yeah. Sure thing, boss.
No, come on, Bexy. No passengers, eh?
We're taking you, aren't we? Piss off!
Stunned to the core with another witty reply!
You can piss off an' all, Nunk.
Two in a row! How do you think 'em up?!
Oi, give it a rest, will you? You'll wake the kid.
He'll have it on his toes, Bexy, I'm telling you.
IN CARIBBEAN ACCENT: So you want to go to Europe, do you, Dominic?
Yeah.
Yeah, if I can raise the cash.
Oh, innit sweet?
You'll have to get blooded first.
You ever been tattooed?
No.
Virgin, eh?
What you looking at?
I can see you.
We've got to give you the mark, haven't we, son?
HE CHUCKLES
Dominic, I would like you to meet a very old friend of mine and yours.
Put your hands together for...
..Stanley.
No, you ain't going to do it with that, are you?
Well, now, we all had to, son. Bet you're glad you brought
your brown trousers, ain't you, Dominic?!
Jesus! He won't help you.
Come on.
Come on, up you get.
Get hold of that.
Well, go on, then.
HE WINCES
It's poisonous, that is.
Now, my son, if that gets in your bloodstream,
you could be dead by the morning. Oh, yeah?
You lot are still walking, ain't you?
LAUGHTER
What a wally!
What a muppet!
You little plonker!
Will you shut up?!
BABY CRIES
But the Duchess of York outshone them all with an outfit that was
easier to admire than to describe. And even to seasoned Royal watchers,
this was a special occasion.
It was the hottest ticket in Tinseltown...
You all right? Yeah, can't complain.
There something wrong with him? Yeah, he's still teething, isn't he?
Aw, are you still teething, are you, darling?
That'll be two of us biting on Mummy's nipples!
Well, I've got to have a reserve, haven't I? You're never here
to do it. Oh, dear. Mummy's being sarcastic again.
Shall we be witty back?
Shall we say "piss off"?
Bex, don't! Piss off.
Let's tell Mumsy to piss off, go on.
Piss off! Oh, Bex, don't! He's starting to say it now.
Anyway, I'm glad you're pissing off tonight.
At least I'll get a bit of peace and quiet that way.
What was all the cold shoulder bit for, then? Piss off!
Don't! Don't tell him what Daddy does.
It ain't good for you to get your own way all the time, is it?
Once would be a bleeding miracle.
You must think I'm stupid or something.
Well, do you want the truth or the diplomatic answer?
You ain't playing tonight. I never said I was. That's your cheek.
It's my cheek, yeah. I'm screwing Jacinta again. Ha-ha!
Well, I told you. She can't get enough of me.
12-inch willy, working-class, I'm a yuppie's dream come true,
ain't I, darling? Shame I ain't a yuppie, then, innit?
You're my bit of rough change, you are.
Don't stay out all night, will you?
No, it's just a quick in-and-out job, this.
Oh, well, whoever she is, tell her she's got my sympathies.
Oh, very funny. Almost funny. Almost funny, Sammy, innit?
Give Mum a kiss.
Good boy. Come on.
Oh! Give us a kiss. Give us a kiss.
Daddy loves you.
Daddy loves you, doesn't he?
Say "Daddy".
Say "Daddy. Daddy.
"Daddy..."
All right, see you later. Don't be late.
Look, look, look, look. Yeah, look at his face.
LADDISH CHEERS
You forgot to kiss her goodbye, Beef. Shut up!
What's all this? What's all what? This.
Beefy's mum's a slapper!
# Beefy's mum's a slapper, Beefy's mum's a slapper
# La-la-la, la... # Belt up and shut up!
# Hornchurch boys, we are here
# We rub your women and we drink your beer
# La la la la la la la la la la la
# Hornchurch boys are big and strong
# Hornchurch boys, we are here
# We rub your women and we drink your beer
# La la la la la la la la la la la
# Hornchurch boys are big and strong. #
All right, mate?
PHONE RINGS
Can I have three adults and one child
to Birmingham New Street, please?
That's first class.
That's £178.50, please, sir.
That'll do nicely, thank you.
Oh, hang about. Triggsy boy!
Yo! All right?
I'm off to get a paper. I'll see you later.
I see you brought your boyfriend, then, Aitchey-poo, eh? Well,
I don't like to leave him at home. He pines for me
and scratches the door, you know what I mean, Triggsy? He's going to
piss off as soon as the ruck starts, you know that, don't you?
Look, Triggsy, if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for him.
You little bastard! I'll have you for that.
Yusef! Over here!
Oi, Yusey boy! Come on, then! Come on, mate, get over here.
WHISTLING
Come on, son!
Come on, boy! Come on, mate! Over here.
What's he got on his head? Cor, blimey!
Oh, what a hero!
Where have you been? Well, I had to go to school, innit?
Well, I didn't want to get in trouble, did I?
You got your homework with you, son?
What's this?
Celtic?
What have we got to do with Scotland, son?
PMT. What's that? Pre-match tension.
CHATTER
Cup of tea. Better make this one a quickie, lads.
Funny you should say that. Yeah, go on, Beef. Whoa!
It's love.
Oi!
Wankers!
Buccaneers!
My car.
It's just up here. We here yet, Bex?
Yeah, we're bang-on for Simon, all right? Where's Simon, then, mate?
How many was there, then, mate? There was...
Come on, Simon, where are you, mate?
SHOUTING
Oh, shit. Oboe!
SHOUTING
GRUNTS OF PAIN
Run! Go!
Go! Go!
GRUNTS OF PAIN
Oboe!
CRY OF PAIN
Needs stitches, does this, Bex.
Nice of Simon to turn up, weren't it, eh?
He must have got held up...
..in the traffic. I'll hold him up when I see him.
Maybe he got a puncture...
..or something.
You want to get that sorted out, Yusef, now.
Come on, Dom.
Come on, Dom! Or we'll all get nicked.
Come on your own, did you?
Didn't by any chance come on a train from London, did you?
Oh, hitchhiked, yeah.
1-0 to me.
And your name is...
..Michael Jackson.
Need some more plastic surgery, Michael.
Oboe!
Bexy, Bexy.
Grab his arm!
HE GROANS
And the other one! Give us it.
Oboe!
GROANING
Come on, let's go! Go!
GROANING
CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE
Yeah, cheers, mate.
Can you do that?
Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Look. Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Hello? Yeah, can I speak to the poof with the blonde hair?
Bexy boy.
So what's this, then? You got a part-time job as an alarm call?
Yeah, yeah, you could say that.
You still got your curlers in, love?
You spoke to your boy in the BMW lately?
No, not yet. Why? Of course you probably ain't, have you?
We had a little meet with him, didn't we, on the motorway?
Fixed his motor for him. Don't half burn well, them German jobs,
don't they? It's getting to be a bit of a speciality with you,
isn't it, smashing up cars?
Is that what you're planning to do in Europe?
I bet there ain't a BMW in Germany that ain't parked on a kerbside
shitting itself already, Yeti. Well, at least you've finally clocked on
it's me that's going and not you. Listen, my son,
the only place you're going is the mortuary,
cos you ain't got the bottle to have it with me.
I know you're well gutted, Bexy, cos you're giving it the cool one.
You'll be the gutted one on Saturday.
I'm going to fillet you. You got that?
You want to look over your shoulder, boy,
because I am going to engrave my name all over your arse, boss.
I didn't think you knew how to get down here.
Ain't had the bottle to come before, have you?
Do you want directions? Oh, no. I just stick my head out of the window
and follow me nose. I'll see you Saturday.
Shit! Come here.
Give it to Daddy! Give it to Daddy!
Sue! Sue! Sue!
Right, hospital! Hospital! Come on! Oh, Jesus Christ!
Jesus! I'm sorry, babes. Look, I was on the phone.
You're too fucking late, Bexy!
CHILD CRIES
My baby!
Will you stop?
Yeah, yeah. I told you. When?
I need the buzz.
Go and buy a bloody bee hive, then.
That's almost funny.
I've got to have him!
You know that!
You saw what he did to the motor!
What's the matter with her?
I'm not exactly flavour of the month at the moment.
Yeah, well, this feeling's not entirely alien to me, Sime, babe.
Yeah? Why's that? Little Sammy cut his mouth on me Stanley.
He all right? Oh, yeah, fine. Yeah, he loves the attention.
Scared the shit out of me, though.
It's a mess, innit?
You had anyone look at it? No, not yet.
I'm going to do some work on it before I get the insurance in.
What are you going to do? I don't know, really. Billy reckons he can
make it look like an electrical fault. Going to burn the engine out
at the weekend. What for?
Make it look like an electrical fault.
Well, I can't just say the inside caught fire, can I?
Not with the engine pounded to bits.
Yeah, well, it's vandalism, isn't it?
You're covered. Yeah, probably.
I'm going to make sure it's a complete write-off.
I fancy a new one. Yeah, well, keep Saturday free.
We'll go right after Yeti. No.
Oh, come on, don't get depressed. That's what he wants, innit?
I don't give a toss what some thumb-sucker south of the border
thinks of me, Bex. It's getting ridiculous, this is, boss.
Yeah, I know, so we're going to put him out of the frame, ain't we?
Yeah, well, you can do it without me.
OK.
Well, I did Oboe for Yusef, I might as well do the Yeti for you.
Don't do nothing for me, Bex. Just let it drop.
What's the rush? He'll still be around next week.
No, he won't.
Yeah, all right, I bottled it. So what?
Look, if I'm going to have a ruck with someone,
it's because someone wants to fight me, right? Simple as that.
Oh, what, and the Yeti don't want to?
No, not really, no. He has it on his toes all the time, don't he?
Gets his kicks smashing up property, right?
Sniper stuff, that, Bex. Your car, my car.
Ain't interested, mate. Kids' stuff.
Crap. I don't know why you're so keen.
One more little trip down the Bailey,
and the next time you'll be seeing that kid of yours,
you'll be a grandfather.
ENGINE STARTS
DOOR OPENS
All right, Wes, mate? Is Yusef in? Piss off, Bissell.
Oi, don't get heavy with me, Wesley.
I'd hate to annihilate you in the comfort of your own home.
HE WHISTLES
Oi!
Yo. Does it hurt?
Happy?
I'm delirious, Wes. What's with you? Oh, nothing, man.
It's really good seeing your little brother sliced up!
Yeah? Well, you want to see the other geezer. I couldn't give a shit about
the other geezer. You're getting on my nerves, Wesley.
Oi, I don't ask him to come, all right? He knows what's going down.
You stood your ground, though, didn't you, son?
Yeah, me and Snowy put him out of the frame for you, OK?
Oh, ethnic bonding ritual. Right on, brother.
He'd be smiling right now, only it would split his cheeks open,
know what I mean? Doing the Yeti Saturday.
I'll come. Don't be stupid. You talk too much.
Anyway, get yourself fit for Europe, boss.
Piss off, Becks!
Do you ever get the feeling you're not wanted?
Take care, champ.
Wes, mate, how can I put this?
I can't.
You're out of your league, son.
Take care, Sef.
Man's an animal.
We've had enough of him. What do you mean? Well, it's no buzz, is it,
chasing someone who's on their toes all the time?
That's fox hunting, that is, isn't it? I don't know what
you're talking about, son. Yeah, well, you never saw
the state of their motor, did you?
Oh, so the big, brave Hornchurch boys are bottling it, are they?
No, I never said that. It's just pissing us off, that's all.
That's what it looks like from where I'm standing, squire.
Bex, are we still going to sort the Yeti,
if Simon, Beef, and that lot don't want to have him? Well, someone's
got to fly the flag, ain't they? Yeah, well, Beef don't seem
to think so. It's all in hand, Aitch.
Bit of a loser all round, ain't you, Beef? Oh, if you say so, Nunky.
Well, I'm off to the bogs, if I'm still man enough to have a piss.
Do you want to borrow my magnifying glass? No, it's all right, darling.
I'll get someone else to help me look. It'll be more funny.
Ooh! Bagsy me!
Here, get them in, would you? Sure thing, boss.
What's the matter with you? Someone been screwing your wife again?
Well, someone has to.
You're getting up everyone's nose tonight, ain't you?
What you talking about?
What are you doing here, anyway? You know, you want to bottle it,
Beef, that's OK with me, but don't come down here
and try and take the rest of the crew with you.
Oh, come on, Bex. I wouldn't do that. I was just passing.
Yeah? Well, pass off, then.
Confucius say, "Man who bottles out gets bottled in," know what I mean?
It was just talk, Bex. I'll be there.
No, you won't. I'm dropping you.
Take the weekend off.
Go fishing or something. Agh!
I don't understand. What are you getting so heavy about?
You're scaring up the snipers. I need my Trojan horse for Saturday.
I can do without that, and I can do without you.
Shit, I didn't know.
You're giving me the right raving hump, my son.
I make a bad enemy, Beef.
Avoid me.
WHISTLING, SHOUTING
Oi, feast your eyes. This is Mandy.
Are you Clive Bissell? Yeah, why?
Right.
CHEERING
Bexy, mate, you've pulled there, you've had it there, mate!
It's your birthday, innit? No, why?
Look, do you want to hear this or not? Go on, then.
Shut up! Shut up, Nunk!
What is it with you? Oh...
Trig... "Your brains will drip like spaghetti
"Off the end of a Bucko machete
"If you're south of the border, you're well out of order
"And you'll die at the hands of the Yeti."
Oi, wait. Wait a minute.
That is well out of order, right? Well out of order!
Take it easy. Come on, what are we going to do about this?
Will I do my belly dance now?
Let's get something straight.
When that kid is in this house, he's safe, right?
What are you talking about? He IS safe. Oh, oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, most folks leave Stanley knives lying round the house,
don't they? What are you talking about? I've had enough of
your big boys' games, Bex. Yeah, yeah. Don't turn your back on me!
I ain't turning me back, I'm getting a drink, ain't I?
I ain't exactly fucking running away! I've got to hear your nagging voice
wherever I fucking go! Yeah, too right! Look, it is late,
you're tired, etc, etc, etc. I said, I am sorry.
You know, I am sorry. I'm more sorry than you know.
I'm having to put up with all this emotional crap, I don't see why.
He's all right, and I told you it won't happen again. He could have
swallowed it, he could have poked his eye out! Yeah, but he never!
You fucking nutter! I do not want you to carry a blade in this house,
right? This is a normal house, with normal people.
I don't want to live with a 30-year-old boot boy.
You're a fucking joke! I don't see anyone laughing at me.
No, no, you don't. No, they won't laugh at you.
Not to your face, anyway.
But they laugh at me, darling, for putting up with you.
You don't see it.
What I want to know is, what's so bad about being normal, eh?
What's wrong with being bloody normal? I told you, I need the buzz.
Well, buy a bloody bee hive, then!
That's almost funny, that is.
Look, don't follow me about. It's like showing a punter round an house.
Well, stop keep walking away from me, then.
Right, I want you to stop,
and I mean it this time. I told you, I will. When?
When you stop. Stop what? When it's my corpse on the floor.
You're a fucking animal! Do you know that? Who, me?
Yeah! Pathetic! I told you,
I have just got to have him! Right, if you want to carry on like a kid,
you can go back to your mother's. Go on, piss off! I want to live with
a grown-up, Bex, not a 30-year-old hooligan.
Don't give the ultimatum. I just have.
You go chasing that lairy git, you don't stay here.
Suits me.
Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, go on, back to your mummy's. Go on. Kid!
Do you want to see me across the road?!
That's it, girl. Go on, kick the door down.
Give me something to do at the weekend!
Bex!
What's the matter, love? Feeling lonely already?
DOOR SLAMS
DOOR JAMS
Shit!
LOUD BANGING
Oi! BANGING CONTINUES
Hold on.
BANGING CONTINUES
All right, I'm coming. Come on, hurry up.
Oh!
What the hell are you doing here?
I've got a couple of punters with me, show round the house.
What's going on? Ain't Mum told you? You're selling up.
HE CHUCKLES
You only looked!
You staying the night? Yeah. How much you charge?
Oh, you always did treat the place like a hotel.
Your night porter's uniform could do with letting out.
I'll put the kettle on.
Come on, then, darling, open your handbag. Christmas.
Well, I think you're bleeding pathetic.
Pater, you're just the ph-ph-ph-photographer, OK?
In my day, we'd have rushed up the Old Kent Road
and kicked the shite out of them.
All this shows is that none of you have got any bottle, if you ask me.
Well, no-one did!
This is a precision raid, right? Right.
Yeah, right. It's like cutting out a cancer.
You should have done him Sunday.
I said that, Bill. "Don't take no shit.
"Sort them out straight away." I learned that in the Army.
You ever get that sort of feeling
where you think you've heard something before? Yeah.
Shut it. Deja vu, mate, yeah.
No, no, don't use that language in front of the snipers.
What's the matter with you? You braindead or something?
I left mine at home, didn't I? Seemed like the best thing to do.
Ooh! Here, don't worry about Dominic, girls.
It's nerves.
This time next week, my son, you're going to be a local hero.
A living leg-end.
When you walk into the pub, they're going to point at you and say,
"Look, there goes Dominic,
"the man who led the Inter City Crew raid on the Buccaneers.
"He's going to fly the flag in Europe."
Well, either that, or you'll be dead. It's difficult to say, really.
Anyway, let's cut the bollocks. Woo-woo!
Are we going to have this team photo or what?
Right, everyone hold something. Oh, God, not another orgy, mate.
Don't muck about, Snowy. All right!
But I'll give you a good run, mate.
Come on, son.
Right, let's be having you. Oi, take it easy with that, Trig.
Come on, hurry up. Hurry up!
All right, come on.
Get it right. All right? All right.
Give it some. Go on, give it some. Right, all look vicious!
THEY ALL ROAR
Come on, Bill! Pathetic!
Come on, Bill!
Come on, hurry up.
All right, come on. Here we go. Here we go.
All for one...
ALL: And one for all!
THEY ALL ROAR
Yeah! Yeah!
LAUGHTER
That's great, mate.
That'll come out a treat.
Come out a treat, mate.
I don't know what you're getting so excited about. You forgot the flash!
Why so unhappy, girls?
Look, it ain't bottling, Bex. It's just...
It's just bloody stupid, that's all.
I mean, it was daft enough 11 of us
going to Birmingham, right? And now there's only six.
It's just suicide, Bex.
So I'm daft now, am I? No, look, he didn't mean it
like that, Bex. Well, it sounded like it to me!
Bex! I thought you told me this man was well hard, eh?
Yeah, Bex, he is! He is!
Except I've got this aversion to getting myself killed, yeah?
Come on!
Let's have ya!
Come on! Let's have it!
You don't talk like that to me, see?
Cos you ain't earned the right.
I'm going to give you a little lecture now, Dominic.
Do you know what Sociology is, huh?
I do. I've got an A-level in it. Clever git, ain't I?!
Sociology is the study of social problems. Now, you...
..you got a big social problem, boss. Come on, Bex,
we're on your side! Shut it! Well, you've got a funny way
of showing it, ain't you?!
You see, Dom, Simon and Beef can run away.
They live ten miles out.
You know, they can hide if they want to. But you...
..this is your manor.
You've got to walk up and down the street every fucking night,
and you're going to see me everywhere.
And I don't like seeing people who let me down, cos it gets me mad!
So you're in!
Both of you!
Right up the pointed end.
That's peer-group pressure, that is.
It's a real bastard.
LAUGHTER
All right?
You all right?
All right, ladies, back in the toy box. Go on.
You all right, Snowy? Yeah, mate.
You know, he was right,
you should have used the flash.
Dad, do us a favour, get the hoover out.
I'll put the kettle on as well, if you like.
Two sugars.
HE CHUCKLES
There we are.
Off to work we go, eh, Bexy?
Hi-ho!
BANGING ON DOOR
BANGING CONTINUES
Who is it? Police, love. Can you open up?
Have you got a pass or something? We've got a warrant.
Can you open up, please? What for?
Does Clive Bissell live here? Yeah. Why?
We've got a warrant to search the premises,
and we'd like to ask him a few questions, that's all.
Any chance of coming in?
Hey, hold on a minute. There's a baby up there!
Are you Mrs Bissell?
Yeah. Better get your hubby up, love.
My friend can be a bit rude.
My hubby is well gone, love. What?
Watch my lips.
He is not here.
BABY CRIES
Right, you, out!
CROWD CHEERS INSIDE
CROWD CHANTS INSIDE
Anything? Nothing. Station? Nothing there either.
Got to be inside, then, ain't he?
What, is he off his head, or what?
He ain't here, boss. I told you, Bexy's bottled it.
Are you sure?
On my life, he ain't here.
I told you he would, boss.
CROWD CHANTS
Right...
..let's do it.
Where is he? ALL: He's nowhere near!
He's bottled it! What's Bexy done?!
ALL: He's bottled it!
What has he done?
ALL: He's bottled it!
I can't hear you!
ALL: He's bottled it!
He's bottled it, yeah!
ALL: He's bottled it!
THEY ALL CHEER
THEY ALL CHANT: Yeti! Yeti! Yeti! Yeti! Yeti! Yeti!
SHOUTING AND SCREAMING
Come on!
You're dead, son!
YEAH!
BEX PANTS
BEXY!
BEX CHUCKLES
Oh, come on...
GUNSHOT
HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
Oh, bloody hell, not you lot again!
We're going to Europe to do the Europeans!
Is that plain enough for you?
CHEERS AND LAUGHTER
All of them! All of them! All of them!
Hold up! Hold up!
For me...
For me, I'm going for Bexy, cos he was top boy, right?
Yes! Right!
He didn't die in vain... No, it was quick!
..because we've all come together now. Together!
Right? The Buccaneers, the ICC, you know, we're all here.
Hornchurch! Don't forget the Hornchurch boys. We're all here.
We're all here. And we're all going to Germany. All right, all right.
We're all going.
Well, it's dog-eat-dog, innit?
It's dog-eat-dog. I want to fight.
Well, you know, one man steps on my toe, I step on his. That's it.
You know what I'm saying?
Hold on, hold on. It says in the Bible,
"An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." Right!
Right! That's what we're going to do!
So, in a way, we're all Christians!
THEY ALL CHEER
He was visionary,
and he wanted a national firm.
He had brains! Yeah.
And, like, you had to come in on this, cos it was visionary.
He sorted it... Yeah. ..for all of us.
The man was special. It's about... Bexy's firm! No, it's not the point.
But he lives on! Bexy lives on!
Bex! Bex! Bexy lives for all of us! You can't say that. He ain't dead.
We're carrying him. How can he be dead? Bexy!
Because it's about belonging.
It's about belonging!
We all feel like we belong!
We belong because of him. You can't say he's dead.
We still belong. Bexy!
TO THE TUNE OF AMAZING GRACE: # Bexy, Bexy, Bexy, Bexy
# Bexy, Bexy, Bexy! #
No, listen, it's unfortunate, I got this, but it's a buzz.
We love doing it!
THEY ALL CHEER
And we'll do it anywhere!
We'll go to Europe and do it, and we'll do it in this country.
And they're not going to stop us!
Oi, oi, oi, listen, I'll tell you something, mate.
Shut up, right? I'll tell you something.
If they stop it at football, right, stop the rucks at the football,
we'll go boxing, we'll go snooker, we'll go darts!
THEY ALL CHEER
Look at that! Look at that!
That's football! What does that prove?
What do you mean?! It proves... It proves I stood!
It proves he's a hard man! It proves I stood!
You see that? That's what it's all about, mate.
That's what it's all about.
THEY ALL CHANT: England, England, England, England, England, England!
THEY ALL CHEER
THEY ALL CHANT: # We won two World Wars and one World Cup
# We won two World Wars and one World Cup!
# We won two World Wars and one World Cup! #
THEY ALL CHEER
# Here we go, here we go, here we go
# Here we go, here we go! #