‎NETFLIX 剧集
[ominous music plays]
‎好了 老爸和邪恶老板进监狱了 [sighs] Okay. Dad and evil boss In jail.
‎现实世界已恢复 Reality restored.
‎完全没睡觉… Zero hours of sleep.
‎哎唷！还遭受了灾难性的工伤 Ow, God! And a new catastrophic workplace injury.
‎多亏了JR 天啊 我讨厌这个破… Thanks, J.R. God, I hate this fucking--
[elevator dings]
‎（谢谢 丽根！ ‎我们的新老大） -[cheering] -[Gigi] Yes!
‎欢迎回来 永远的老板兼挚友！ Welcome back, Boss Friend Forever!
‎布雷特 都是你安排的？ Brett, did you do all this?
‎不是 大家是自发的 No, dog. They did it on their own.
‎谁想到最好的时空就是眼前这个？ Who'd have thought the best timeline was this one?
‎（沉默的领导者表情） [cheering]
‎谢谢你 丽根 [Mothman] Thank you, Reagan.
‎你把我救出了那个时空 You rescued me from a timeline
‎那里的传送员把我变成了杰夫高布伦 where a teleporter turned me into Jeff Goldblum.
‎我被困在肯尼迪没被刺杀的反乌托邦 I was trapped in a dystopia where Kennedy never got shot.
‎糟透了 结果他杀了几百万人 It was awful. He ended up killing millions.
‎我们还长了三张脸！ And we had three faces!
‎太反常了 It was unnatural.
‎很高兴再也不用听这两个人说话了 We're just glad we don't have to listen to these guys anymore.
‎这连体服是化纤的吗？ Are these jumpsuits made out of fucking polyester?
‎裆部已经长湿疹了！ I already have crotch rash!
‎能不能别挠裆部了？ Will you stop manhandling your crotch?
‎哎唷！住大学宿舍那四年 Oh! Like I didn't live all four years in our college dorm
‎我听了不少 ‎你跟右边五姑娘的滥情关系！ listening to your abusive relationship with your right hand!
‎喂 你们两个！ ‎让你们到死亡竞技场上打！ [guard] Hey, you two! Save the shanking for the Death Arena!
‎好啊 死亡竞技场 -Oh, yeah, the Death Arena. -I hate that fucking arena.
‎我讨厌那个竞技场
‎这是你的功劳 You earned this.
‎你带领显影公司度过了艰难时刻 You led Cognito through a gauntlet.
‎还拯救了所有的“困徒” And saved all these POWs.
‎困在扭曲现实的囚徒 格兰自创的词 [Myc] "Prisoners of warped realities." Glenn coined that one.
‎我是语言大师！ I'm a wordsmith!
‎我不知道该说什么好了 各位 I don't know what to say, guys.
‎这是你的庆祝时刻 老友 好好享受吧 It's your moment, pal. Enjoy it.
‎我… -Well, I-- [cell phone buzzes]
‎（罗恩 45分钟前 我们得谈谈） [bell tolls]
[air horns blare]
‎开始正常的第一天吧 ‎没有任何疯狂的戏剧性情况 Time for our first totally normal day with zero crazy personal drama.
‎你瞧？她很放松 完全僵住了 See? She's so relaxed, she's completely frozen.
‎对吧 丽根？ Right, Reagan? Right? Right? Reagan?
‎-丽根？ ‎-耶！ -Reagan? -[all] Yeah!
‎就喜欢她搞怪的样子 Aw, I love how weird she is.
[upbeat music plays]
‎丽根李德利 我代表光明会 Reagan Ridley, on behalf of the Illuminati,
‎感谢你完成了我无法做到的事情 I wish to thank you for doing what I never could.
‎摧毁了你的父亲 Destroying your father.
‎谢谢你 但是他毁了自己 Thank you, but he destroyed himself.
‎不过 确实也有威士忌的功劳 Although he did team up with whiskey.
‎小小敬意 聊表我们对你的谢意 Please accept this as a small, humble token of our thanks.
‎-哇！ ‎-太夸张了 -[Myc] Wow! [Gigi] A little over-the-top.
‎这个我倒不反感 I don't hate this.
‎（丽根） [rock music plays]
‎我跟上帝对话了 ‎他说会送你去天堂的贵宾厅 I talked to God, and He's gonna send you to VIP heaven.
‎你不会跟普通人一起上低等天堂 You're not going to shitty heaven with the regular people.
‎你真的拯救了世界 女忍者！ You saved the world for real, ninjette!
‎请收下这个礼物篮 [in alien language] Please accept this gift basket.
[Glenn] Ugh!
‎我看过很多动画 ‎知道它会钻进哪个洞里！ [in English]Â I've seen enough anime to know which holes these go in!
‎丽根 我们期待你大有一番作为 We expect great things, Reagan.
‎显影公司！ [all] Cognito!
‎哇 全球阴谋集团都为你撑腰呢！ Whoa, the entire global conspiracy just got behind you!
‎世界的重担落在你肩上啦 The weight of the world is on your shoulders.
‎你终于有理由摆出做作的姿态了 [Myc] Finally, a reason for you to have shitty posture.
‎各位 我不胜感激 ‎但我们还要专心完成掩盖行动 Guys, I appreciate all of this, but we still have a cover-up to focus on.
‎还有异常现象需要管控 There's still some leftover anomalies that need to be contained.
‎我们的时空遭到破坏 ‎从而引发了一些小矛盾 The damage to our timeline has caused a number of minor inconsistencies.
‎或者说是漏洞 Plot holes, if you will.
‎哦 当然了 就像有些名人是爬虫动物 Oh, of course, like how some celebrities are reptoids
‎而有些其他人是光明会的 and others are randomly Illuminati.
‎光明会的人是后面才来的！ It's like Illuminati stuff came later!
‎或者就像我以前经常说我不是外星人 [Myc] Or like how I used to say I wasn't an alien,
‎然后你们发现 ‎我的族群是跟着彗星来的 and then you guys found out my species arrived on an asteroid.
‎没错 这些漏洞都由那台机器造成 Exactly. These plot holes were all caused by the machine.
‎-是的！ ‎-还有未来的东西！ -[Myc] Very satisfying. -Future stuff too!
‎但主要的异常现象仍在引起混乱 But the major anomalies are still causing chaos.
‎比方说这仓库装满了贝伦斯坦熊的书 Like here. A warehouse full of Berenstain Bears books
‎书名都拼写错了 还露出了生殖器 where their names are spelled wrong. Also, their genitals are showing.
‎熊爸爸长了大鸡鸡 [laughs] Papa Bear is packin'.
‎只剩六个小时了 ‎不然这会变成永久性的变化 We have six hours before the changes become permanent.
‎要隔离并管控住 ‎上一季里的每个剧情漏洞 We need to isolate and contain every plot hole from this past season.
‎我是说上个夏季 夏天的季节 Of summer. The season of summer.
‎嘿 布雷特 借一步说话 Hey, Brett, sidebar?
‎“我们得谈谈” [Brett] "We need to talk."
[sighs]
‎可恶！这一般表示要分手 ‎或是得了癌症 也许只是得了癌症 Dang! That always means breakups or cancer. Maybe it's just cancer.
‎我需要时间去弄清楚 I need some time to figure this out.
‎你能顶替我上一天班吗？ Do you think you could run things for the day?
‎我？像圣诞老人一样 ‎负责整个员工队伍？ Me? In charge of a whole workforce, like Santa?
‎得了吧！你已经不是 ‎那个初来乍到的布雷特了！ Come on! You're not the same Brett you were when you started here!
‎你可以处理好的 You can handle this.
‎只要记住一点 ‎老板要做出艰难的决定 Just remember, being a boss means making tough decisions.
‎-甚至不惜杀掉自己的小宝贝 ‎-不可以这样！ -Sometimes you have to kill your babies. -I resent that!
‎只是打个比喻啦！ [both] It's a figure of speech!
‎该死的史蒂夫！ Fucking Steve!
‎今天这里由布雷特来负责 Uh, Brett is in charge for the day,
‎希望大家向他表现出与我同等的尊重 and I want you to give him the same respect that you've given me
‎就像今早开始的那样 starting roughly this morning.
‎好了 队员们 我们现在去… All right, team. Let's get out there and--
‎喂！你们要去哪里？ Hey! Where's everybody going?
‎看来今天是暴雪天 停工停学 This just turned into a snow day.
‎虽然你体脂为零 但你是一个大软蛋 Except for the 0% body fat, you're a big softie.
‎是吗？大软蛋舍得把最喜欢的 ‎错版电影周边变成蒸汽吗？ Oh, yeah? Would a big softie vaporize his favorite movie anomaly?
[dramatic music plays]
‎-见鬼！好吧！ ‎-他杀了他的宝贝！ -Damn! -He killed his baby!
‎开枪吧！ Shooting!
‎没错 镇上来了新警长 “警长老大！” That's right, there's a new sheriff in town. "Sheriff Boss"!
‎我要留下来看这愚蠢的好戏 [Myc] I'm sticking around to see how dumb this gets.
‎都听好了 ‎没收丹尼斯罗德曼的总统画像 All right, listen up. Confiscate the presidential portraits of Dennis Rodman,
‎给月球喷上百事可乐的标志 sandblast the Pepsi logo off the moon,
‎然后搞清楚梅丽尔斯特里普 ‎应该拿多少次奥斯卡奖 and figure out how many Oscars Meryl Streep is supposed to have.
‎三次好像有点少了 Three sounds kind of low.
‎遵命 先生！马上去办！ [man] Yes, sir! Right away, sir!
‎天啊 当领导真容易 Man, leadership is easy.
‎把心愿喊出来就能实现了 You just yell the things you want, and they happen.
‎布雷特 华盛顿发现大规模时空异常 Massive anomaly detected right here in DC.
‎布雷特要向危险进发！一起去吧 Brett's get dangerous! All together now.
‎-不要 ‎-我不去 -No chance. -Not doing that.
‎拜托 各位 [chuckles] Come on, guys.
‎布雷特向危险进发 Okay, okay. [all] Brett's get dangerous.
‎-天啊 ‎-这样好多了 That's better.
[Reagan sighs]
‎嘿 门没锁 还有… Hey, the door was unlocked and--
‎天啊 你要走了？ Oh God. You're leaving?
‎丽根 我… Reagan. I--
‎几天没你的消息 你居然要搬走？ I don't hear from you for days and you're moving?
‎对不起 我之前需要时间思考 I'm sorry. I needed time to think things over.
‎知道我们谈恋爱以来 ‎多少次与死神擦肩而过？ Do you know how many times we've almost died since we met?
‎我俩的总次数 还是分开算？ Um, well, together or separately?
‎在你跟我分手之前 我只想说… Look, before you break up with me, I just want to say--
[gentle music plays]
‎我爱你 I love you.
‎我也爱你 I love you too.
‎等等 你到底在… Wait, what the hell are youâ€¦ Are you not breaking up with me?
‎你不是要跟我分手吗？
‎不 开什么玩笑？ ‎你是我这辈子唯一重要的人 No! Are you kidding? You're the only thing that matters to me.
‎所以我才做了这些 Which is why I made all of this.
‎剪贴本？威斯康星州的阿普尔顿？ A scrapbook? Appleton, Wisconsin?
‎阿普尔顿有什么？ What's in Appleton?
‎那只是一个没人认识我们的小城镇 Just a small town where nobody knows us.
‎完美的地方 适合留下完美的回忆 The perfect place for perfect memories.
‎护照？你给我们做了新身份？ [Reagan] Passports? You made us new identities?
‎还有深度虚构照片？ ‎我们从没做过这些事 And deepfaked photos of us? We never did this stuff.
‎如果不离开影子世界 ‎可能永远都没机会离开了 And if we don't leave the shadow world, we might never get a chance to.
‎我一直在反复思考这件事 I've been thinking about it and thinking about it,
‎丽根 这份工作很危险 ‎一想到你可能会… and this job is dangerous, Reagan. And the thought of you getting--
‎你的手指头怎么掉了？ Why did your finger just fall off?
[laughs awkwardly] Ohâ€¦ this? ‎哦…这个吗？
‎我在次元风暴中被实习生开枪击中了 This is just from getting shot by my intern during a dimension storm.
‎我说什么来着？ ‎你的工作让你冒着生命危险 This is what I mean! You're risking your life at that job,
‎为了什么？ ‎为了听从“黑袍人”的命令吗？ and for what? To do the bidding of the "Black Robes"?
‎我们连他们是谁都不知道！ We don't even know who they are!
‎他们是正是邪？是人类吗？ Are they good, evil, even human?
[sighs]
‎我们相遇那晚 我本想逃离这份工作 The night we met, I wanted to escape this job,
‎但我却遇到了你 but then I met you,
‎你值得我继续为你留下来 and you were worth sticking around for.
‎现在我们有机会两者兼得 Now, there's a chance for us to have both.
‎我的最后一把记忆消除枪 My last memory eraser.
‎可以射击两次 Two charges.
‎我们可以趁早开始新生活 We could start a new life before it's too late.
‎如果不忘掉机密的情报 ‎他们会来找我们的 If we remember classified intel, they'll come for us,
‎消除记忆之后 我们就自由了 but this way, we'll be free.
‎去阿普尔顿吗？ In Appleton, huh?
‎犯罪率低 学校不错 Low crime. Good schools.
‎门廊上有两张摇摇椅 ‎等我们老了可以坐 Two rocking chairs on the porch for when we grow old.
‎希望到时还能在一起？ Hopefully together?
‎是啊 我了解我们 我们最后 ‎会像独裁者一样称霸整座城镇 Yeah, knowing us, we'd probably end up taking over the town like dictators.
‎你无法拯救世界 ‎因为总有东西会再次来捣乱 You can't fix the world. Something will always fuck it up again.
‎但我们可以一起开创自己的世界 But we could start our own world together.
‎我知道这是个重大决定 ‎不过…你考虑一下吧？ I know it's a big decision, butâ€¦ just think about it?
‎好 我会考虑的 Okay. I'll think about it.
‎好 我们再次封杀了凯文史派西 All right, we re-canceled Kevin Spacey,
‎替换了“必胜鸽”的牌子 replaced the signs that said "Pizza Hutch,"
‎强迫理查德尼克松回到坟墓里 and forced Richard Nixon back into his grave.
‎我不想再谈这件事 I don't wanna talk about it.
‎只剩一个时空异常要处理 ‎就在这个体育馆里 There's only one anomaly left. In this gym.
‎（禁止翻越） [suspenseful music plays]
‎解决它之后 ‎时空应该就会稳定下来 Once we get rid of it, our timeline should stabilize.
‎现在就让这只小狗消失吧 Now, let's vaporize this puppy.
‎有人吗？这里有曼德拉效应吗？ Hello? Any Mandela Effects in here?
‎那是飒飒声吗？ -[clanging] -[gasps] Was that a swish?
‎听起来只是篮网的声音！ It sounded like nothing but net!
-[loud clanging] -[all gasp]
[ominous music plays]
[Brett breathes heavily]
-[barks] -[Brett yelps]
‎飞狗巴迪？迪士尼的《飞狗巴迪》？ Air Bud? From Disney's Air Bud?
‎是我喜欢的第一个荧幕楷模！ My first on-screen role model!
‎肯定是另一个时空遗留下来的 He must have been left here from a timeline where Air Bud was a documentary.
‎它在那个时空真实存在
‎物理定律没说 ‎狗不能穿越时空以及打篮球 I guess there's nothing in the rules of physics that says a dog can't glitch through time and play basketball.
‎很好 让这只小狗消失吧！ [Myc] Great. Let's vaporize this puppy!
‎什么？不行！ -What? No! -[Air Bud whimpers]
‎你刚才不是说… [Myc] Oh, but you literally said--
‎我以为这是不好的时空异常 ‎但你瞧这只乖狗狗 That's when I thought it was a bad anomaly. Look at this good boy.
‎它的发型跟我一样！ His hair swoops just like mine!
‎布雷特 光从电影名就能看出端倪 Brett, if I've learned anything from Air Bud,
‎飞狗巴迪、金牌接球员 Air Bud Two: Golden Receiver,
‎神犬家族、第七局获胜、神犬当家 Air Bud Three: World Pup, Air Bud Four: Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back,
‎还有小巴迪、雪狗兄弟、太空犬 ‎圣诞狗、恐怖狗、护宝狗 and the Air, Snow, Space, Santa, Spooky Treasure,
‎还有超级伙伴衍生电影 and Super Buddy spin-offs,
‎这他妈的说明了 ‎这个世界不需要会打篮球的狗！ it's that the world doesn't need a fucking basketball-playing dog!
‎但是…我稀饭它 -Butâ€¦ [in Scooby-Doo voice] Rye ruv him. -[Air Bud whimpers]
‎没什么大不了的 ‎只是要做人生最大的抉择而已 No biggie, just making the biggest decision of my life
‎而我却连充电宝都找不到 when I can't even hold on to a portable charger.
‎丽根 我需要你帮我出个主意… ‎你又要走了吗？ Reagan, I really need your advice onâ€¦ Oh, leaving again?
‎施德罗叫我跟他私奔 再也不回来了 Staedtler kind of asked me to run away with him, like, forever.
‎布雷特？ ‎要是让你永久接替我 可以吗？ Brett? What if you being in charge was more of a permanent thing?
‎永久？但丽根… ‎你是我最好的朋友 而且… Forever? But, Reagan, you're my best friend, andâ€¦
[gentle music plays]
‎（最后期限）
‎我…我能行 Iâ€¦ [clears throat] And I got this.
‎只要你过得开心就好 All I care about is that you're happy.
‎嘿 你刚才让我给你出什么主意？ What did you need my advice about?
‎没有警长老大做不了的事 [chuckles] Nothing Sheriff Boss can't handle.
-[ball thuds] -[barking]
‎你刚刚听到狗狗扣篮的声音吗？ Did you just hear a dog dunking?
‎开车小心点 老友！ Drive safe, pal!
‎再好好想一想 选工作还是选爱情… Just gotta think it over. Job versus loveâ€¦ Job versusâ€¦
-[clanging] -[groans]
‎搞什么鬼？ The hell?
[elevator dings repeatedly]
‎这座大楼没那么深吧？ Our building doesn't even go that low. Does it?
‎不！我答应过自己不会因公殉职的！ Agh! No! I promised myself I wouldn't die at work!
[suspenseful music plays]
No, no, no! Agh!
[suspenseful music crescendos]
[elevator dings]
‎丽根李德利 时机已到 [Robes] Reagan Ridley, the time has come.
‎天啊 是你们 黑袍人！ Oh my God, it's you, the Black Robes!
‎我们密切关注你和你父亲一段时间了 [Robe 1] We have been watching you for some time. You and your father.
‎他在我们眼皮底下 ‎把宇宙中最危险的武器藏了起来 He hid the most dangerous weapon in the universe right under our noses.
‎“重启计划” Project Reboot.
‎更像是“搞砸十万年规划的计划” [Robe 2] More like Project "Fuck Up 100,000 Years of Planning."
‎-没错 ‎-那个该死的家伙 -[Robe 1] Agreed. -[Robe 2] The fucking guy.
‎我们想感谢你拯救了现实世界 [Robe 1] We wanted to thank you for saving reality.
‎哇 我很荣幸 我是说“暗影荣幸” ‎喜欢这个叫法多一点？ Wow, I'm honored. I mean "shadow-honored" if that is the preferred term?
‎-是的 ‎-不错 “暗影荣幸” [Robe 1] That is the term. Shadow-honored.
‎但让我来这里做什么？ But what am I even doing here?
‎你们是谁？ Who are you guys?
‎这些年 你们从没给我看过任何东西 In all these years, you've never shown me anything.
‎那如果我们让你洞悉…一切呢？ [Robe 1] Then what if we showed youâ€¦ everything?
[suspenseful music plays]
‎楚巴尼斯理事会！ [Robes] In ministerium chobanis!
[gasps]
‎该不会要把我献祭给克苏鲁吧？ You guys aren't gonna sacrifice me to a Cthulhu, right?
‎才不是 那家伙是个疯子！ [Robe 2] No, hell, no, no. That guy's fucking nuts!
[suspenseful music continues]
‎谁要来撸一下新来的办公室狗狗？ Who's ready to pet our new office dog?
‎它叫做…普通巴迪 His name is, um, Regular Bud.
[all groan]
‎你把那个时空异常带回来了？ You brought the anomaly back here?
-[gasping] -[Brett grunts]
‎喂！ Hey!
‎这东西不能留在我们的时空里 That thing cannot remain in our timeline.
‎再过四小时 这个宇宙就会成为现实 In less than four hours, our universe will conform to a reality
‎到时 狗狗将会称霸篮球界 where dogs rule at basketball.
‎那又如何？也没什么不好的 So? That doesn't sound so bad.
‎如果狗狗称霸NBA篮球联赛 ‎就会进化出拇指 Once dogs dominate the NBA, they'll evolve thumbs.
‎并学会拧门把手 They'll learn to work doorknobs,
‎从而获得政治权利 发展狗狗军队 which leads to political power, their own military.
‎最后狗狗就会席卷全球！ A full-on planet of the dogs!
[gasping]
‎我的老天爷啊！ Sweet dolphin Jesus!
‎必须杀死这只狗才能拯救宇宙 You have to kill this dog to save our universe.
‎不！一定有办法的 No. No! There must be a solution.
‎丽根会怎么做呢？她让我来负责？ What would Reagan do? Put me in charge?
‎那布雷特会怎么做呢？ So, what would Brett do?
‎呼之欲出了！ [Myc] Here it comes!
‎有了！我会证明无需担心 ‎狗狗会在球场内外碾压人类 I'll prove we don't have to worry about dogs dominating humans on or off the court
‎只需要在单挑比赛中打败飞狗巴迪 by beating Air Bud in a game of one-on-one.
[groaning]
‎好啊 这事的愚蠢程度已超乎我想象 [Myc] Yes! This has wildly exceeded my expectations of stupidity.
‎我们的故事源于历史的开端 [Robe 1] Our story begins at the dawn of history.
‎第一个社会的诞生 The birth of the very first society
‎催生了组建首个神秘社团的需要 begat the need for the very first secret society.
[grunting]
‎一小部分早期人类 ‎打生下来就比同类穴居人聪明 [Robe 1] A fraction of early humans were born smarter than their fellow cavemen.
[surprised grunts]
‎聪明的人意识到 不采取介入手段 [Robe 1] The intelligent ones realized that without intervention,
‎人类就无法生存 their species would never survive.
[worried grunts]
‎但他们的开悟却遭到嘲笑 [Robe 1] But they were mocked for their enlightenment.
[scared grunt, then groan]
-[animal growls] -[scared grunt]
-[animal roars] -[screaming]
[groans]
‎他们意识到要保护人类 ‎免受自身的伤害 [Robe 1] They realized humanity needed to be protected from itself.
‎如果人们不听教诲 And if they would not listen to reason,
‎或许用更高强的力量能让他们信服 perhaps they would listen to a higher power.
[dramatic music plays]
‎于是黑袍人社团诞生了 [Robe 1] And thus, the Order of the Black Robes was born.
‎我们利用秘密知识在暗中行动 [Robe 2] Operating from the shadows using secret knowledge,
‎与继任者们密切关注着全部人类历史 we and our descendants kept watch over all of human history.
‎显而易见的手段就不说了 ‎但怎么还有纵火、瘟疫和蝗虫？ Not to point out the obvious, but fire, plague, actual fucking locusts?
‎如果你们在监视我们 ‎为什么不阻止这些灾难？ If you're watching over us, why didn't you stop these things?
‎阻止？灾难就是我们释放的 [Robe 1] Stop them? We unleashed them.
‎当人口即将过度饱和 When humanity was about to overpopulate,
‎我们就会释放黑死病 we released the Black Plague,
‎就是在隔离期间 ‎艾萨克牛顿爵士才发现了重力 and in quarantine, Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
‎好吧 那在雨林纵火有何深意？ Okay, what is the plan behind burning rainforests?
‎用火阻止有自我意识的树木推翻人类 [Robe 2] Controlled fire to stop sentient trees overthrowing humanity.
‎见鬼 真的吗？行 那泰坦尼克号呢？ Shit, really? Okay. Uh, the Titanic?
‎-它入侵了阿特兰提斯 ‎-不是吧？ -[Robe 1] Atlantean invasion fleet. -[Reagan] Huh. No kidding.
‎表面上看起来混乱的事情 [Robe 1] What appears on the surface to be chaos
‎背后都有复杂的系统 ‎服务于更伟大和高尚的意义 is actually a complex system serving a greater good.
‎人类社会就像你的团队一样 [Robe 2] Humanity is like your team.
‎如果你不出手干预 ‎你也见识过会有什么后果 You've seen what happens when you don't save them from themselves.
‎他们没那么弱啦！ They're not that helpless! I put Brett in charge this morning,
‎今早还让布雷特全权顶替我呢 ‎我确定现在根本没有出乱子 and I'm sure that there are zero high jinks happening right now.
‎身高两尺半 在第14.5部续集里 At two and a half feet and 14 and a half sequels,
‎它用爪子运球 嘴边留着口水 he dribbles with his paws and his mouth.
‎它是飞狗巴迪！ -It's Air Bud! -[cheering]
‎是啊 人类要完蛋了 [Myc] Yeah, mankind is doomed.
‎如果狗狗赢了 它就要受死 If the dog wins, he dies,
‎但这只小笨狗并不想死 对吧？ but this little idiot does not want that, does he?
‎故意输掉比赛吧 ‎求你了！不值得赌上性命 Throw the game. Please. Please! The stakes are so high.
[exciting music plays]
‎（显影公司）
[Air Bud barks]
[jaunty whistling music plays]
[barking]
[rock music plays]
‎混蛋！ -[timer buzzes] -Motherfucker!
‎不 飞狗巴迪 你这是判了自己死刑啊 No, Air Bud. You just signed your own death warrant.
‎别再舔我了 Stop licking me. [laughs]
[sobs]
‎该说再见了 布雷特 It's time to say goodbye, Brett.
‎不！肯定有别的办法 No! There's gotta be another way.
‎那国际象棋呢？ ‎我下象棋可以赢这只狗！有胜算吗？ What about chess? I could beat a dog in chess! Probably.
‎所谓的领导 就是在别人 ‎叫你动手杀人时要毫不犹豫！ Leadership means killing things whenever people tell you to, no questions asked!
[Brett whimpers]
‎让那只狗蒸发 不然人类就会落败！ Vaporize that dog or humanity falls!
‎（翻身打胜仗） [ominous music plays]
-[barking] -[screaming]
[growling]
[ominous music crescendos]
‎好 动手吧 Fine. I'll do it.
‎能让我们单独待一会吗？ Can you just give us some privacy? No one else should have to see this.
‎大家用不着亲眼看到这一幕
[suspenseful music plays]
‎但过去的事就不多说了 ‎来谈谈未来吧！ [Robe 1] But enough about the past. Let's talk about the future!
‎（《丽根早晚要接班》）
‎我的《丽根早晚要接班》活页夹？ My inevitable takeover binder?
‎你们进了我的办公室？ You were in my office?
‎等等 你们知道 ‎我的手机充电器在哪吗？ Wait, do you know where my phone charger is?
‎给你 [Robe 1] Here you go.
‎这是什么意思？ What does this all mean?
‎你原本是接替JR的人选 [Robe 2] You were the obvious choice to replace J.R.,
‎但你对你父亲的不理智牵挂 ‎阻碍了你前进 但今非昔比了 but your irrational attachment to your father held you back, until now.
‎我们不是让你成为新的JR ‎而是成为合伙人 [Robe 1] We're not making you the new J.R. You're making partner.
‎我们会把知道的一切都告诉你 [Robe 2] Everything we know, you'll know.
‎你意下如何？ [Robe 1] What do you think?
‎我觉得任何人都不适合管治人类社会 I don't think any human is fit to govern humanity,
‎但我可以创造一个算法来实现管治 but I could create an algorithm that could.
‎它完全不偏不倚 Completely unbiased,
‎可以计算出针对所有生物的最优解 programmed to calculate the maximum benefit for every living thing.
‎这是我一直想在办公室做的事 It's what I've wanted to make for the office,
‎但现在可以把它推广到全世界！ but I could make it for the entire world!
‎-见鬼 ‎-那好吧 [Robe 1] Shit. All right. When could you start?
‎-没错 ‎-你什么时候就职？
‎啊 真的吗？ Shit? Really?
‎作为地球上最有权势的人 ‎想想你能做出多大的成就？ [Robe 1] Think of how much good you could do as the most powerful human on Earth.
‎那顺便问一下 你们是人类吗？ Since you mention it, are you guys human? How's about a little peek under that robe?
‎能不能看一下长袍下面的样子？ [Robe 2] Uh-uh-uh.
[elevator dings]
‎开个玩笑！ I was joking!
[dramatic music crescendos]
‎妈的 Fuck.
‎所以你必须 ‎在真爱和统治世界之间选一个 So you have to choose between true love or a chance at world domination.
‎经典的“她该怎么办呢？”问题 Ah, the classic "will she, won't she?"
‎肯定有办法既能跟施德罗相守 ‎又不用放弃工作！ There's gotta be a solution where Staedtler and I can beÂ happy without giving up my work!
‎跟我来吧 Follow me.
‎我把现实扫描仪连接了全息投影室 I've connected the reality scanner to the holo-chamber
‎把时空范围缩小到“兼顾爱情和事业” and narrowed it down to timelines where you, quote, "have it all."
‎现在你可以搜索所有可能的结果 Now you can search every conceivable outcome
‎然后自己去看吧 and see them for yourself.
‎在这个现实里 ‎你和施德罗给重刑犯上即兴表演课 Here's a reality where you and Staedtler teach improv classes to convicted felons.
‎没错 然后… Yes, andâ€¦
-[inmate 1 growls] -[inmate 2 screams]
‎阿尔法贝塔 你真是太贴心了 Alpha-Beta, this is so un-genocidal of you.
‎也许是这房间让我触景生情 Maybe this room makes me sentimental.
‎我在这里 ‎通过触碰你母亲习得了同理心 It's where I first learned empathy from your mother's touch.
‎哇哦 也有点恶心？ Aww. Andâ€¦ ew?
Huh.
‎奇怪 在这个现实里 我们一起工作 Whoa. Weird. A reality where we work together.
‎罗恩 我很忙 ‎难道你不用给猴子切除脑叶吗？ I'm busy, Ron. Don't you have a monkey to lobotomize?
Uh-oh.
[suspenseful music plays]
‎没人理解你 No one understands you.
‎只把你当成好说话的傻瓜 ‎没人挂念你 They just see you as a friendly doofus that nobody's gonna miss.
‎都以为你只会拥抱和微笑 People think that hugs and smiles are all you have to offer,
‎但你要遵从内心想法 ‎按自己的意愿来做事 but you gotta follow your heart and do things your way.
‎所以我要带你去郊野 让你重获自由 That's why I'm letting you out into a field and freeing you.
‎这把枪给你用来保护自己 Here's a gun to protect yourself with.
‎我对这个计划很有信心 I feel confident about this plan.
‎只要离门把手远点就行了 ‎狗狗启示录不会应验的 Just stay away from doorknobs and the dogpocalypse should be fine. [gasps]
-[helicopters blades whir] -[tires screech]
‎放弃吧 布雷特！ It's over, Brett!
‎就知道你没能力完成这项任务！ We knew you didn't have what it takes to do this job!
‎你的性格如此 布雷特 [Myc] It's your character arc, Brett.
‎根据《救救小猫咪！》 ‎只有杀掉一条狗你才能成长！ According to Save the Cat!, your growth can only happen if you murder a dog!
‎要杀飞狗巴迪 那就得先过我这关 If you want to destroy Air Bud, you'll have to go through me.
‎这地方也许需要善良的老板 ‎才能他妈的阻止这种灾难！ Maybe a boss with a big heart is what this place needs to stop being such a fucking nightmare!
Ow!
‎我承认你的支配地位 但是… -I recognize your dominance. -[Myc] But-- Ow!
‎但是…我只是想惹你打我一巴掌 But-- [laughs] I just wanted to be slapped.
‎抱歉 布雷特 ‎听丽根的命令更轻松 因为她这人… Sorry, Brett. It was easier taking orders from Reagan because she was, uhâ€¦
‎比较混蛋？ Kind of a dick?
‎-我就是这么想的 ‎-对 -That's what I was thinking. -Yeah.
‎我现在是负责人 规矩由我来定 Well, I'm in charge now and I make the rules.
‎等等 规矩？我有办法了！ [gasps] Wait, the rules? I just got an idea!
‎好吧 我只要找到两全其美的现实 [sighs] Okay. I just need to find one reality where everything works out.
[gentle music plays]
‎这个不错 This is nice.
‎什么？等等！ What? Wait!
‎不！ No, no, no, no, no, no!
[sighs]
‎也许是这个？ Maybe this one?
[gentle music continues]
[gasps]
‎罗恩！不要！ Ron! No!
‎不行 No. Bad.
‎很糟糕 Bad.
‎非常糟糕 Very bad.
[groans]
‎不 令人绝望！ No, this is hopeless!
‎至少在某个时空里我们是幸福的吧？ There has to be at least one reality where we're happy!
[gentle music continues]
‎（我们的家）
‎（妈妈 爸爸 我）
‎就是这个 这就是解决方案 This is it. This is the solution.
‎我想明白了 I figured it out.
‎飞狗巴迪之所以是威胁 ‎是因为规则里没禁止狗参加篮球赛 that says a dog can't play basketballâ€¦ Air Bud is only a threat because there's nothing in the rule book
‎但现在有了 until now.
‎我要改变规则！ I'm changing the rules!
‎如果它们没有职业发展机会 ‎就无法进化！ They can't evolve if they can't have any hope of a career!
‎当然 就像99％的大学生球员一样 Of course, just like 99% of college players.
‎游说政府禁止狗参与职业运动？ Lobby to ban dogs from professional sports?
‎只要你带着支票簿 ‎我可以禁止任何人做任何事！ As long as you're holding the checkbook, I'll ban anyone from anything!
[rock music plays]
‎（2022年NBA规则 狗不能打篮球）
[timer buzzes]
‎布雷特 你这是零秒出手 ‎消除了狗族崛起的机会 It was a buzzer-beater, but you squashed the dog uprising, Brett.
‎我真希望大老板 ‎能看到我们现在的样子 I just wish our old coach could have seen us.
‎丽根她到底在哪？ Where is she anyway?
‎（优哈搬运公司）
‎你的东西呢？ ‎还要行李干什么？我们走吧 -Where's all your stuff? -Who needs the baggage? Let's do this.
‎好 那我数到三 Okay, on the count of three.
‎一、二、三 One, two, three.
[both yelp]
‎妈的 烫死我了！ -Goddamn, that burns! -Goddamn, that burns!
[gentle music plays]
‎好 记住啦 我消除记忆之后 Okay. Remember, after I zap myself,
‎你有60秒念手稿 给我灌输暗示信息 you have a 60-second window of suggestibility to read me the script.
‎我爱你 I love you.
‎我也爱你 I love you back.
[gentle music continues]
‎我迫不及待地想在晚上睡个安稳觉了 [sighs] I can't wait to finally be able to sleep at night.
‎你叫马丁希金斯 ‎你住在威斯康星州的阿普尔顿城外 Your name is Martin Higgins. You live just outside Appleton, Wisconsin.
‎长久以来 ‎你吃了不少苦 但你做了勇敢的抉择 You had a hard time for a long time, but you did something brave.
‎你冒险开始了新生活 ‎因为你意识这是你值得拥有的 You took a chance on a new life because you realized you deserved one.
‎我搜索了一千个时空 ‎想找出你过得最幸福的一个 I searched a thousand lifetimes for the one that would make you happiest.
‎总有一天 你会找到的 只是… And you'll find it one day. Just
‎我不在你身边了 without me.
‎你现在自由了 You're free now.
‎抱歉 我不能跟你一起重获自由 I'm sorry that I couldn't be free with you.
‎我会想你的 罗恩 ‎不知道有没可能…或许你也会想念我 I'll miss you, Ron, and I know if it were possible, you'd miss me too.
‎好了 丽根 你做出了选择 All right, Reagan, you made your choice
‎因为人类社会需要 ‎一个人来做出艰难的选择 because humanity needs someone to make the hard choices.
‎只要你爱的人幸福 ‎那也许你之后也会感到幸福 And as long as the person you love is happy, maybe you can be happy later.
‎在那之前 你还有工作要做 Until then, you have a job to do.
[helicopter blades whir]
[melancholy music plays]
[sighs]
‎我们的提议考虑得怎样？ [Robe 1] You've considered our offer then.
‎我接受提议 I accept.
[melancholy music continues]
‎也许你可以成为我的新丽根 Maybe you could be my new Reagan.
‎让你长出乱糟糟的马尾辫 怎么样？ How do you feel about growing out a messy ponytail?
‎我稀饭你 布雷特！普拉图式的爱！ [in Scooby-Doo voice] I ruv you, Brett! Pratonicary!
[Air Bud whines]
[Air Bud barks]
‎丽根！ [gasps, in normal voice] Reagan!
‎好了 放我下来 天啊！ -[laughs] Okay, okay, down, boy! -You're back!
‎你回来了！
‎我找到了解决办法 I found a solution.
‎让施德罗不用带着 ‎跟我分手的记忆继续生活 One where Staedtler doesn't have to live with the memory of our breakup.
‎那你就要背负这份压力了 Oh. But you do.
‎是的 我不想消除自己的记忆 Yeah. I didn't want to forget.
-[Air Bud barks] -[Reagan clears throat]
‎那只狗怎么回事？ What's with that dog?
‎你不是办公室里的金毛寻回犬吗？ I thought you were the office golden retriever.
‎说来话长 但我也找到了解决办法 Long story, but I found a solution too.
[Air Bud barks]
‎-布雷特！ ‎-这只狗长出了拇指？ -[Air Bud] Brett! -Is that dog growing thumbs?
‎应该没事吧 Probably fine.
‎这就是我们的工作 对吧？ ‎专门解决棘手的问题 Huh. Well, that's what we do here, right? Solve unsolvable problems.
‎-哦 长袍人想让我做合伙人 ‎-什么？ -Oh, and the Robes are making me partner. -What?
‎没错 我们终于要查明一切真相了 Yeah, we're finally gonna find out everything.
‎再也没有秘密了 -[dramatic music plays] -No more secrets.
‎成功了 已经定下了契约 [Robe 1] It is done. The pact is sealed.
‎开始X37计划吧 It's time to begin Project X37.
‎你觉得丽根不会预料到吗？ [Robe 2] You don't think Reagan will see this coming?
‎她怎么会想到？她只是个人类 [Robe 1] How could she?
She's only human.
[dramatic music plays]
‎字幕翻译：杨宇航