Hello, viewers. I'm James May, and I can't cook.
Welcome to my cookery show.
♪ ♪
This time, it's breakfast.
There are eggs,
and sacred Japanese knives.
I have a big one as well. And a fruit knife. Mm.
But that doesn't even begin to cover it,
because there's much, much more.
And I've burnt the bottom of the pan, and I don't
really know how to cook fried eggs, but apart from that,
everything's gonna be absolutely fine.
As I come up with a heaving hostess trolley
of ideas on how to get your day off to a delicious start.
Good morning, viewers.
Whatever time you're watching this, it is morning.
That's why I have the Bloody Mary, and...
we're going to make breakfast.
And we're going to start with kedgeree.
It's a smoked fish and rice dish
that hails, we are told by history,
which is largely bunk, from India,
from the Mughal emperors and that sort of thing.
It was originally made with rice and lentils.
Then fish was added.
Fish was added for breakfast
because the fish was caught fresh.
It wouldn't keep during the day, so it had to become something
you had at the start of the day.
And then it came over to Europe
and specifically, it came to Britain.
It became corrupted with boiled eggs,
sultanas, cream, all sorts of things.
We're going to make a properly rustic version.
It starts with a beautiful piece of smoked haddock.
And you put that in this skillet and I cover it with water.
We're going to poach it.
Make sure it is covered entirely,
otherwise it won't cook evenly.
[laughter]
Well, that doesn't matter. You don't need to s...
That's just the sort of thing that happens.
Get a grip, you lot.
You cover it entirely with the water.
The thing to remember, and this is what everybody forgets,
when the fish is cooked, you want to keep the fishy water,
because that is essential to the preparation of the rice.
Millions and millions of people have gone... [exhales sharply]
Bugger. Ruined.
[stove clicking]
That is going to poach.
Won't take very long once the water's up to boiling.
Meanwhile, this is all gonna be done in the same pan,
we need to, rather predictably, chop an onion.
Whoa.
I love that thing.
The other ingredients: butter, 50 grams of that.
I'm only going to use half of it to soften the onion.
The other half goes into the final mixture.
We have 110 milliliters of basmati rice.
We have hot supermarket curry powder.
We're gonna use about a teaspoon.
There is a lemon, which will be added at the end.
There is some flat-leaf parsley.
And there is a Bloody Mary.
This is coming to the boil.
In fact, it's coming to the boil slightly too vigorously.
I'll turn it down. That, I would expect,
to take about eight minutes.
While we're waiting, have a slice of history.
Breakfast is, of course, the most important meal of the day,
but that's a relatively recent conceit.
In the Middle Ages, breakfast as we know it
didn't really exist.
The Catholic Church was not very keen on it,
because it was seen by people like,
uh, Thomas Aquinas, for example,
as part of the sin of gluttony.
Waking up, having done nothing constructive
or even devotional yet, and stuffing your face.
You broke your fast, which is where we get the word
"break-fast," "breakfast," after you've been to morning Mass.
Now then, haddock.
Mmm.
Steamy lens.
We're gonna need the lid for cooking the rice.
Absolutely essential. Took less than eight minutes.
It took only about five and a half minutes to do that.
Five and a half minutes from boiling.
It's a lovely color. Look at that.
The whole thing is going to be a lovely color, actually.
The haddock can go into the warming drawer.
[quietly] Ow.
What did I say? Save the water.
A jug, we're going to need 225 milliliters of it.
The fishy water is going to be used for boiling the rice.
Melt half the butter and add the onion, cooking until soft.
Then add the teaspoon of curry powder, mixing thoroughly.
And it's cooking, and the room now smells
of all the spices of India, and it's absolutely fantastic. Good.
Let us add the rice.
And just before I put the fishy water in,
I'm just gonna give that a quick stir so that I know
spiciness and oniony goodness is coated on the rice.
Spread it out evenly across the bottom of the pan.
Add... yowzers, the still fairly hot water.
- [sizzling] - Oh, listen to that.
Oh, that's already looking nice.
And the trick here is to give it one stir,
just to make sure everything is in the water
and then lower the heat, 'cause you only just want it simmering.
And put the lid on and leave it alone.
This should serve two people quite heartily.
This can simmer on low heat for 15 minutes
until all the liquid is absorbed.
Everything seems to be going swimmingly, doesn't it?
But this was not the case a little earlier,
because what happened a little earlier... was this.
It's supposed to be hash,
a classic one-pan dish of fried meat, potatoes and onion.
So, dear viewer, I'm going to show you
how to do something by showing you how not to do it.
We are making a hash.
In this case, it is a black pudding hash.
You don't have to use black pudding.
You could have, of course, used corn beef.
That's the traditional one.
You could make it with mushrooms
if you wanted a vegetarian option.
You could make it with something I've had,
which is vegan black pudding, which is made with beetroot,
and-- and I'm not joking when I say this--
it is delicious.
The other ingredients are: a potato,
some chopped-up onions, as usual,
chopped with a chopper-upperer.
You will need a chili.
I'm gonna use half of that, so that I don't kill anybody.
Uh, we're going to have some parsley
to garnish it and to give it a bit of flavor,
and we're going to serve it with fried eggs.
First, I want to try this.
It's an electric potato peeler.
Here we go.
It even stops by itself.
That is superb.
Mechanically-peeled potatoes, quartered by hand
with a knife.
Time for gadget number two.
Here we go.
Yeah.
It's good.
It's outstanding. I need another word, quick.
Anybody got one?
It's awesome.
First we need to Cate Blanchett these a bit
in this water which I have already got nice and hot...
...for about four minutes.
Let's think about the black pudding.
I will chop this up into little bits.
But remember, it's a hash.
The clue is in the name. It's a hash.
It will all be hashed up together.
Let's get to work on the chili.
Chop that up into itty-bitty pieces.
Remember to make sure the pan is hot when you start cooking.
I'm forgetting, of course, that this is a cast-iron skillet,
it takes a bit longer to heat up than the other pans
I've been using.
Potato blanching is complete.
It's important that the chunks of potato aren't too big.
I think those chunks of potato may actually be a bit too big.
I should have done them in both directions
through the chipper device.
But it's too late, really. I'm not gonna go in there
with a knife and deal with them individually.
What we're going to do is fry up this mixture.
Big chunks of potato into hash do not go.
And this is the start of all my woes.
Potatoes are quite firm.
Let's put the chili in.
Remember to keep stirring the pan.
Trying to fix one error can lead to more.
This is a tool for separating the cauliflower from the root.
It's also the ideal tool for going around
and chopping up that potato a bit.
If pan stirring stops, a crust of burnt potato
may form at the bottom of the pan
and take all the heat, and your spuds will never crisp up.
Still not browning, though. It should go browning now.
I'm gonna put the black pudding in as well.
[sizzling]
Looks absolutely disgusting.
It's one of the worst things I've ever seen.
The surface of the potato that you would expect to go brown
is there, but it's stuck to the skillet,
rather than still appearing on the potato.
The second element of the dish is a fried egg.
Again, make sure the pan is hot enough.
Too early. I'm making a total horse's ass of this.
I think I didn't quite blanch the potatoes for long enough,
and I've burnt the bottom of the pan, and I don't
really know how to cook fried eggs, but apart from that,
everything's gonna be absolutely fine.
I'm really looking forward to seeing
how Nikki reacts to this, 'cause she'll try
and be polite about it and go, "Hmm, mmm,"
and then try and say something interesting.
And all the time she'll be thinking,
"That is dia-bloody-bolical."
I'm embarrassed, frankly.
So I'm gonna make a small pile.
I mean, it just, that looks vile.
- [laughter] - Look at it.
That's a good fried egg, though.
Come on, there's nothing wrong with that.
Oh, I'll just put a bit of parsley on the top.
- Um, your-your hash is served. - [Nikki] Oh.
The plate is hot. Would you like some brown sauce?
[Nikki] Yes, please.
Tastes like black pudding and potatoes. And chili.
- Are the potatoes cooked? - Yes.
Possibly would've cooked them a little bit more
to get them crispy.
Well, this is the thing. I-I did try to cook them
to make them crispy, but the pan went crispy
rather than the potatoes.
- Oh, no. - Sorry.
- It's okay. - I'll-I'll clean it for you.
[James] I'm going to try it,
because I just think you're being polite.
Doesn't taste of anything.
It's rubbish.
- I... - Don't try this at home.
- [mouths] - You should never say anything anybody cooks is rubbish
because it's very kind of you to cook it for me.
That's incredibly generous.
But wrong.
So, that's in the bin.
But it's also in the book, but don't worry,
so are things like this and even this.
But now, it's back to kedgeree...
...and flaking poached haddock.
Flaky fish, no skin.
Once the rice is cooked, add the rest of the butter
before putting in the fish.
We're gonna stir this all together, and try
not to do it too aggressively
because you don't want to break the fish up too much.
You want it to remain flaky.
Makes it look nicer, and it'll make it feel nicer
in your mouth as well.
Let's add the lemon juice.
That's half a lemon's worth.
Then the flat-leaf parsley.
Big, sharp curved knife so you can rock it around.
This looks great, doesn't it? Look at that.
Then I'm gonna put the lid on for just a few minutes.
Make sure everything is warmed through.
I think this would be nice
if it were served in a bowl with a poached egg in the middle.
The problem with that is,
we enter the great poached egg debate.
So enormous is this debate and so important to the progress
of humankind and global peace,
that we're going to make it a separate segment.
- Morning. - Morning. Would you like
- to come to work on an egg? - I would.
[James] Egg poaching.
Everybody has an opinion on this.
Mine is that I use what is probably an egg coddler,
strictly speaking, one of those old-- it is old, in fact-- pans
with the two little plastic cups
that sit in it and you pour the eggs in
and they come out looking like the breasts
of Botticelli's Venus.
Other people say you should do it directly in the water
with some vinegar, because that helps the white to stiffen.
- Yes. - Is that correct? And that you should create a vortex.
Anyway, I've got a gadget, Nikki,
that I would like to try out.
This is new, it arrived today, and that goes in the water.
- Apparently, yes. - Like that. It looks like a diabolo.
[James] It does look a bit like a diabolo, yes, the...
- [Nikki] Like that? - Yes, but you... we need
to fill it up a bit, because the water should come up
to that there... there's a little fill line.
I don't know if you can see it.
There's a little wiggly line... there.
So I'm dying to see if this works.
The water is boiling. Here is the egg.
Here we go.
- [Nikki] Ooh. - Oh, it went through.
[Nikki] An egg cage.
It is. It's like the things that divers use
when they want to go and look at sharks.
Should we do a vortex? Do you want to
- have a go at the vortex? - Yes.
We've got some white vinegar. Don't use brown vinegar.
Brown vinegar is what makes the poached egg taste all vinegar.
See, I would say, since we're in the northern hemisphere,
you should've made the water go round clockwise, but...
it may not be relevant.
Right. We've done three minutes exactly
on egg one in the newfangled device.
You've done half a minute in that one.
So if I'm gonna make a bowl of kedgeree and get ready
to serve that one, do you have a slotted spoon?
Does it look good?
Okay, that first egg is ready.
- It's safe to hold that. - Ooh, look.
[James] Has it work... it has worked, hasn't it?
That looks pretty good. Let's have this one in there
and you can try this, this is your kedgeree.
What about the old-style vortex method?
I don't think it looks too bad, that one.
[James] It looks exactly the same.
Perhaps it's not the global issue I thought it was.
At any rate, breakfast is served.
And as the old chat-up line goes,
"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Well, I like mine poached, with kedgeree.
- Right. Please. - This looks delicious.
The egg is good.
- Mmm. - It's got a bit of a kick
- on it, hasn't it? - It has, but I approve of that.
- It's really nice. - Mmm.
I think that's better for not having milk
or cream or any of that nonsense in it.
- Cleaner. - Cleaner. Good word.
[James] Perfect poachy.
It's rice and it's spice.
And it's come down to you from the Mughals of India
in ancient times.
And here it is, going in my mouth, so thank you.
And as you enjoy the runny egg close-up,
I've been thinking, what happens
when I want to have a subtly spiced exotic breakfast,
but I haven't had a chance to get
to the shops the night before?
Well, that's why we have a "store cupboard savior" sting.
This time, the "store cupboard savior"
is about what do to when all you have to your name
are some eggs and a tin of tomatoes.
We are now going to make shakshuka,
which is a Tunisian-Arabic word meaning "all mixed up."
Yet despite that, this dish is most readily associated
with Israel, where it is a bit of a staple.
So there's a massive row that's broken out
in the Middle East about who owns shakshuka.
Well, for the moment, we own it, here in this kitchen.
It's vegetarian, not vegan, but it is vegetarian.
The ingredients are a bell pepper, already chopped,
a medium onion, already chopped, a tin of tomatoes,
some coriander, some eggs, paprika, cumin and chili powder.
The only thing that hasn't been preprepared
are the two garlic cloves, and for this,
I'm going to use my very, very precious
Japanese knife.
As well as high-performance motorcycles,
the Japanese make high-performance knives.
Oh...
They are sharper and lighter than European rivals,
but their thinness makes them more easily blunted.
I have a big one as well.
And a fruit knife. Mm.
I'm gonna do this in two methods. I'm going to...
I'm gonna crush that one, but this one,
since I've got my exquisite Japanese knife out,
I'm gonna be cutting very, very thin slices.
You're gonna use your fingernail as a guide,
moving it back minutely each time.
Rest the edge of the knife against your fingernail.
And go down, but whilst you're doing that, remember
to retreat your thumb at the same time,
otherwise, eventually,
the end of your thumb will be with the garlic.
Right. Let's start with onions.
Sizzle, sizzle. That means the oil's nice and hot.
And the peppers.
Next, add the vodka in a jus of tomato and celery.
I do like a good Bloody Mary, but I find
I get this pain in my left eye when I drink it.
Can you see this?
That's rather marvelous. It looks like pop art.
I'm gonna say that's done.
It's an excellent garlic squasher, this, I have to say.
This is, uh, Nikki's.
It manages to squash the garlic
but push the skin bit up the side of the plunger
and extract it.
Very, very good.
Excellent, in fact.
Here goes the rest of the garlic. That's simply...
thinly sliced, rather than crushed.
Little bit of a stir around.
Let's add our spices.
Two teaspoons of paprika,
one of cumin and a half of chili powder...
Right, so we're gonna cook this for a minute or two because that
will bring the flavors out of the spices.
...before adding the most abundant
of store cupboard staples, a can of tomatoes.
Yeah, we have to bash these tomatoes up a bit.
We don't want them in solid bits.
Right, I'm going to add to that...
some of Nikki's white pepper, of which she is a great fan,
and a little pinch of salt.
Tomatoes can taste a bit sweet, I think.
Next, the eggs, cooked in an unusual way.
- Nikki? - Hello.
Would you mind joining in for the egg moment?
- Egg moment. - Yes.
What we have to do here is make four little holes
in that mixture, break an egg into each one,
and it will sort of part fry, part poach,
- won't it? - Yes. It will.
Um, so, using the green spatula...
When you say, "a little well,"
- is that a little well? - Yes.
Okay. So that's a little well.
- [Nikki] Mm-hmm. - That's a little well.
- Yep. - And that's a little well.
I dragged you out of the cupboard unnecessarily.
I'm sorry about that.
Keep the wells open, please.
- It's coming in. Yeah? - Yeah.
[James] Blam.
- In there. - In the well.
♪ ♪
Covering lid can go on.
A bit of steam coming up onto the lid and going down,
as in an egg coddler, will make sure the top of the eggs
are cooking at the same time as the bottom of the eggs.
That's it, isn't it? Otherwise, you're left
with a rubbery bottom and a soggy top.
- About eight minutes. - About eight minutes.
More than enough time to chop the coriander as a garnish.
Sprinkling? Sprinkling...
- That looks great. Look at it. - It does look fantastic.
- Yeah, smells great as well. - Perfect.
I think it's time for some toast, don't you?
Toast.
I think it's time for some toast, don't you?
Toast.
It's like a toast dance.
And toast.
[sighs]
[quietly] It's not ready.
And toast.
- [Nikki sighs] - [bell dings]
- Ah. - Bollocks.
- [Nikki laughs] - Slightly underdone
by my, uh, standards; I like burnt toast.
But I know you don't. Quite a broad soldier,
so that you can scoop up...
shakshuka, which means "all mixed up."
[Nikki] Bit of egg.
Little bit of shakshuka.
The egg's still slightly runny.
- Mmm. - It is absolutely meat-free.
But it has quite a meaty quality to it, doesn't it?
It's extremely nice.
[Nikki] It's very good.
It's good. It's some of the ingredients of a fry-up.
It's eggs, tomatoes,
onion... you'd have a bit of onion in a fryer.
But we've added spices.
Coriander, which makes everything in the world better.
And it's... it's meat-free and healthy.
- Cheap, as well... I mean, that costs nothing to make. - Yes.
And quick.
And morale-boosting.
- Morale-boosting, definitely. - Yes.
[James] So, there you go:
make shakshuka and eat shakshuka.
It's delicious.
Now, so far we've sampled exotic breakfasts,
but what about the good old-fashioned boiled egg?
Well, if you think there's nothing that could be done
to jazz that up, you'd be wrong.
This is an avocado,
or, as they used to be known in the 1970s,
an avocado pear.
These days they're just known as an avo.
And the fashionable thing to do is to smash them,
but we're not going to do that.
We are going to turn this avocado
into dippy soldiers for a boiled egg.
And not only is this very simple,
it's a very good way of using an avocado that is ripe
but not properly soft yet.
This one's still a bit too hard.
So you could make guacamole with it.
You could make these things with it.
You couldn't eat it with a spoon with some vinaigrette in it.
It would be just a bit too hard.
So, let's begin by...
chopping it in half, using your very sharp knife.
Very carefully. If you're lucky,
the cut will line up again when you get to the other side,
like that.
If the stone is stuck in,
you can take a spoon...
spoon like that, put the point of your sharp knife in...
give it a couple of taps,
rotate the knife...
and the stone will come out, like that.
So, there are two ways of getting the skin
off the avocado. One is to cut one half in half,
thereby giving you a quarter,
and if you get your fingernail under the end--
not the no-bendy end, the other end--
you can usually...
tease like that,
with your thumb,
the skin away.
That's pretty perfect.
The other way of doing this, um, is advocated
by somebody on the crew,
and allegedly-- I've never tried this, but let's see--
you can run the spoon
into the avocado. Keep it tight to the skin.
Do you know what? I think this might work.
It did, sort of.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
Um...
In half, and in half again.
Now we are going to add Italian...
prosciutto crudo, which is this.
You can also get prosciutto sofisticado,
but it is more expensive.
So stick with the cheap stuff,
because this is just a tasty snack.
Cut each piece of prosciutto crudo in half
with a sharp knife.
Take a strip of that, take a piece of your avocado,
and wrap it.
Sort of a little bit like pigs in blankets.
You know what I mean: the things you have at Christmas.
A quick montage of me swaddling avocado in ham.
Those will go in the oven
at 200 degrees for, I reckon, around eight minutes.
But the trick is actually to look through the door,
and when it looks like crispy, streaky bacon,
they are ready, and at that point,
we can take them out, let them cool a bit,
and then worry about boiled eggs,
which will cause an argument.
And the clock is running.
I have eight minutes, in which I can make myself a Buck's Fizz,
which is the other acceptable type of breakfast booze.
Do you put the orange juice in first
or the fizz in first?
[cork pops]
I'm gonna make an executive decision.
Orange in second.
I'll tell you what.
That's-that's fizz in first.
I'm sure Nikki's gonna want one of these,
so let's make a second one and put orange in first
and see if there's any difference.
♪ ♪
That's fizzy.
Ah, no, I can see already: the orange mixes better
if you put the orange in second.
So... there, there's something that we've learned.
Every day is a learning day.
Buck's Fizz, fizz in first.
I'll give the decent one to Nikki,
'cause otherwise, everybody will say,
[mockingly] "You gave her the..."
[knocks]
No need to come out.
[Nikki] Oh, thank you very much.
- See you later. - See you later.
We're going to boil eggs in a minute.
I know a lot of you will have opinions on how to boil eggs.
Nikki says that if you keep your eggs out of the fridge,
which you should do anyway, a room temperature egg
can go straight into boiling water for exactly five minutes,
and it will be perfect.
Let's see if she's right. Here we go.
Now, those have been in for only seven minutes,
but actually, looking through the door, they are done.
And I'm going to take them out 'cause they need
to cool off a bit, otherwise you won't be able to pick them up
to dip them in the egg.
Let's get two serving plates ready.
An egg cup on the plate.
♪ ♪
Your eggs-any-style are ready.
- Eggs-any-style? - Yes.
In this case, it's boiled-egg style.
Wow, they look good.
A boiled egg cooked to your instructions,
with a pinch of salt, and here are your avocado
and prosciutto dippy fingers.
Sorry, I keep forgetting that you like a good luck clink.
All right, dip away.
[Nikki] Some salt for the top.
Mmm.
Bizarrely, they taste like chips.
- [James] Do they? - Mm, they're really nice.
They do taste like chips.
What's not to like?
They taste like... porky chips.
I think that's a very sophisticated breakfast.
It's better than smashing them up and putting them on toast
and charging 20 quid for them.
I think that's our conclusion,
- isn't it? - I think so, too.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Take that, hipsters.
So, breakfast is served,
an opportunity to experiment with an array
of ingredients and flavors from all over the globe.
And if world peace is ever achieved,
it will be over breakfast.
Well, I think that must count as a success.
The kitchen is still intact,
and Nikki is still alive in her cupboard.
Ten out of ten.
See you next time, cookers.