l YOU HE SHE
And so I left.
A tiny white room...
on the ground floor...
as narrow as a corridor...
where I lie, motionless...
and alert...
on my mattress.
The first day I painted the furniture blue.
The second day I repainted it all green.
The third day I put it out in the hallway.
On the fourth day I lay down on the mattress.
l think the empty room feels larger.
On the fifth day I moved the mattress.
After that I lifted it up...
and stood it up against the window...
and then against the wall.
l lay down and wrote a letter the sixth day.
l was very clear in what l said.
First it took three pages to express myself
Then l wrote the same thing in six pages.
On the eighth or ninth day,
l rewrote the second letter.
l wrote eight pages while eating a lot of sugar.
Then l crossed things out...
and corrected things.
A few lines remained.
l stopped eating and sat in silence.
l started writing again a few days later.
After a few days, I reread everything l'd written.
l lay down on my mattress...
then got up to undress.
l lay down again, naked.
l spread my clothes over me
and waited.
l listened to my breathing.
l played with my breathing.
Then I forgot about playing the game...
and l waited.
Now and then I ate a large spoonful of sugar.
l realized l'd been there for at least 28 days.
When I looked up sudden/y...
there were people walking in the street.
l spilled all the sugar on the letters on the floor...
and l lay down again...
and waited.
l waited some more
for it to pass or for something to happen -
for me to believe in God or for you to send gloves for the cold.
lt took some work to scoop up all the sugar with a spoon.
After that, l stopped Iistening for footsteps.
There were too many, and they were too loud during the day.
Then I just waited.
lt snowed.
l figured that, in any case, Iife had come to a halt...
that nothing more would happen...
and that l should wait for the snow to stop and then melt.
lt snowed for a very long time.
Four days.
Then one day it stopped snowing.
Shortly after that, the snow melted and l got up.
The clothes on top of me landed in the sugar left on the floor...
and l was naked.
l heard footsteps come to a stop.
Someone was looking at me.
l remained motionless, naked...
so that other passers-by could look at me.
Few people walked by, and then no one at all...
and night fell.
l got dressed.
lt was later, much later
when I looked at myself in the window...
after the sugar had been gone for a while,
and l was wondering what was happening to me.
l realized l was hungry.
l got up...
and looked at myself.
l took off my sweater to get a better view.
After that...
l stripped and looked at myself.
l stopped a truck.
l got in.
The driver didn't say anything.
Then he told me to Iie down on his bunk,
because I had to be tired.
l looked at his beautiful broad neck,
his big head of red hair.
l thought l wanted to kiss him.
You see this is what matters.
Move your hand.
Slowly.
Not so fast.
Up and down.
Slowly at first, then a little faster.
l can feel it.
lt's getting warm.
lt's getting harder.
lt's filling up.
Now the heat comes...
inside and out.
Slowly.
lt's gonna get real big and burst its skin.
You obey, but you're afraid.
You think it's wrong.
Stroke it faster.
Faster.
Keep going.
You can feel it coming.
Go on.
Slowly.
That's right, up and down.
lt came in little waves.
l'm gonna put my head on the steering wheel.
l met my wife out in the country.
l was walking down the road.
l was pissed off 'cause l was lost.
l see her speed by me.
So l yell to her.
lt was wintertime. November, l think.
l stop her and ask for directions.
l was 18
and she was very young, just like you.
l looked at her.
l wanted to undress her but she preferred to do it herself.
We did it right there on the spot.
lt was nice.
We did it a lot after that...
but then she got pregnant and had a kid.
l had to find another job, any stupid shit for more money.
After that l had less time.
All my energy went into my work.
l was dead tired and when l got home,
there she was with her big tits and belly.
Saturdays and Sundays we'd screw.
But it wasn't the same
and then the kid arrived.
l didn't want her as much and she didn't want me as much.
lt's strange. It's as if the kid...
stopped us from screwing.
Or maybe l was just too tired and overworked.
And she had the baby to take care of.
So now and then...
we'd fulfill our marital duty.
lt's really strange, but it felt the same
as bringing home the bacon
or bouncing the kid on my knees.
l don't know.
l have pictures, by the way.
Me with the kid on my lap, whining.
l've got two now.
A girl who's 11,
and the little one's 1 1/2.
And now l'm a truck driver.
Now and then l pick up girls on the road.
But l know
that there's no tomorrow no nothing.
Just the moment.
So l ask them...
and if they say okay, we do it back there...
on the bunk.
lt's nothing. It's not starting a family or supporting one.
lt's just about getting laid.
A screw and that's all.
You know, l have a cousin.
lt's funny...
because he married a woman for her money.
His only pleasure now is accumulating even more money.
He's a jerk, but everyone's thrilled.
Nothing's changed. He does his thing, has his dough.
l have a brother too.
He works in a factory.
lt's funny. My brother used to be a real loser.
Always coming in last, always getting yelled at.
Couldn't earn any money. His life was a mess.
Always had shitty jobs.
l don't know how to say it, but he suddenly got fired up.
l mean...
he got himself a girl, took care of that part,
so he could concentrate on getting ahead.
Now he's the boss. He loves yelling at everyone else.
lt's funny. He really gets into yelling at people.
He turns all red...
like he's gonna start breathing fire.
Sometimes, when l get home,
l see my wife waiting for me with the little one.
She changes his diaper, taps gently on his little butt,
carefully cleans his little ass
and his little peter with cotton balls.
And then that ointment that really stinks.
She bends down over him.
lt's funny. The kid already gets hard.
l'm dead tired when l g,et home, and so is she
so nothing.
l must be getting old.
And my daughter...
when we eat dinner...
she's in her nightgown.
l slapped her bottom once and told her, ''Go get dressed.
Show some respect for your father.''
Because she turns me on you know.
She's quite a dish, small as she is, and just 11.
l'll tell you something: When l drive like this
for hours on end there's nothing.
Just telephone poles and the hum of the engine.
lt's funny, 'cause l starrt to daydream.
And when l do my dick stands up.
Sometimes l don't even realize it.
Sometimes l help it along by thinking of certain stuff.
For example, a woman's pussy, nice and wet...
her legs wide open.
Or a woman crying.
A woman crying in a corner.
A woman crying - works every time.
Even totally random stuff sometimes.
lt's funny. When l first started driving, l didn't dare think that stuff.
l'd just drive faster,
and if l felt that heat l'd sing real loud.
l'd feel all the heat in my belly
rise up through my chest and burst out my throat.
Or sometimes other drivers and l race
stupid shit like that.
Sometimes, on long hauls, a second driver comes along.
l give him a hard time until we get in a fight.
lt's me.
l don't want you to stay.
l'm hungry.
More.
This.
l'm thirsty.
She said, ''You have to leave tomorrow.''
We'll to the woods no more. The laurels are all gone
The pretty lass has gathered them all.
See the people dance. Come join in the dance
Leap and dance and kiss whom you please.
We'll to the woods no more. The laurels are all gone
The pretty lass has gathered them all.
Come join in the dance. See the people dance.
Leap and dance and kiss whom you please.