This programme contains strong language and adult humour
You'd rather be blind than deaf?
Bro, what I got to see for?
I done seen it all. Easy call.
You're the only person I've asked this to who's chosen blind.
What type of hypothetical is this, bro
if everybody has the same damn answer?
That's a good point, but being blind would suck.
You can't even see anything. At least with deaf,
it's a similar life, I guess. Hey. Hey!
Honey, it's, er...
..Wiz Khalifa. Honey!
We them boys. Wiz!
Khalifa, man. What's up? There he is.
What a tangled web we weave.
EXCITED CHATTER
IN FRENCH ACCENT: Mademoiselle? Hm? Thank you.
A little straw for your iced coffee.
You didn't have to do that. I did. You put the other straw
on the ground. It was on the ground for like two seconds.
I could've wiped it off. Well, look what the cat dragged in. Hm.
Somebody suck me!
SHE LAUGHS.
OK, well... No, I mean, I did. It's all in the deck.
No, I did exactly what you asked me. I did all that.
Please let me redo it. It's my mistake.
Yeah, but I don't understand why that's necessary for me to...
Yeah, I'll shave my neck. OK, all right. See you tomorrow.
Somebody suck me. What a half-assed "somebody suck me", man.
You're going to have bad luck, dishonouring The Mask like that.
I just feel like this job is a dead-end, man.
It's like I have the best book at the company, you know?
They know that, I know that. I'm just like their Pac-Man,
I'm just eating shit, just like... HE IMITATES PAC-MAN
Pac-Man doesn't eat shit, he eats... whatever the coinage is
that he levels up with.
You should come out with us tonight, OK? You should. Hm.
Emma got us into this, like, very cool Hollywood party,
and tech people are sponsoring it, I guess.
Oh, are tech people going to be there? Mm-hm. Well, then, no.
Yeah, there's no chance I would go to that. That's so stupid.
There's going to be celebrities there, like real,
above Dave-level celebrities.
Hm. I also, I heard, I heard that the women are supposed to put their
hands against the wall like this and then just look back at all the men.
A little toe? Mm-hm. A little back door toe? Yeah, exactly.
DAVE LAUGHS
Don't you want to come to the party?
Some girls are going to put
their head down here and talk to you upside down. Don't you want
to come to the party like this? Is that so?
Please, come to the party. OK, I'm coming. Woo! All right, I'll come.
I can't believe you're going to try and talk to girls in the shirt
that makes you look like you're bad at poker. I love these overalls.
If you scoop more coal into the engine, will we get there faster,
or...? You're so funny. OK. I normally hate art, but, damn, Emily,
this shit is crazy. This is the type of shit your bitch like right here.
You did all of this? This cliche bullshit? Hell, no.
I did the graphics for the signs. Oh, OK. That's pretty nice.
You've got talent, though.
I've got Microsoft Word.
Lights.
I like this.
MAN CHUCKLES
Oh, hey, thank you.
What do you think?
Oh, I don't want to talk about my opinion in front of the artist.
That's...weird. Hell, that's totally fine.
Art's meant to spawn a conversation.
All right, if you really want to talk about it,
I guess one question I have is, how is this art?
OK, well, um, what do you think it is?
I think you took a bushel of flowers
and you just plopped it in a toaster that you bought somewhere.
That's what I'm interpreting. OK, wait, I see what's going on here.
You don't like Koons.
Oh, my God, this is not racial in any way, my man.
No, no, he means, like, the artist.
Jeff Koons.
You are Koons, your name is Koons? No.
No, no, no, I'm... I'm Marcus.
Here you go. Thank you.
Hey, I just had an amazing idea. OK.
What if we made popcorn out of baby corn? Oh, my God,
that would be so cute. Right? Yeah.
I've been thinking about it for m... A little bit. We should do it.
What's all this "we" talk? You trying to get in on my idea?
No. You are.
I mean, you should do it. Thank you. I appreciate your support.
Don't steal my idea.
Don't, because... LAUGHING: I'll sue you. I'm kidding.
I wouldn't... I wouldn't know how to do that.
But I would, I would fucking take you to court, for sure,
if you took my idea, like, dead serious. That's not cool to do that.
Uh, OK. I'm joking around. But I did, I did. My cousin,
I fucked him up bad in court.
I've had IP stolen from me before and I don't like it.
HE LAUGHS
OK. I'm kidding. Let me get you another free drink.
I'm good. Just one more, let me get you... No, you know, I'm good.
Best of luck, really. Well...
..I was just kidding around.
Bro, was that...? Do you know who that is? Who? Trippie Redd?
Yeah, bro. I want to produce for him so fucking bad, dog.
Well, why don't you just walk your ass up to him and tell him?
I'm smacked as fuck right now, and I don't want to be that weird
guy who walks up to him in an art gallery like, "Yo, what's up, T?
"Let me fucking..." Do you want me to introduce you?
You don't even know him. Man, watch this shit.
But you don't even know him.
My boy Trippie. What's good, my nigga?
The fuck is you? It's GaTa.
Come on, man, you going to act like you don't know me, bro?
We was just at Soho House, man. Oh, don't give me that.
My mom and your mom is cool. You remember from the barbecue, brah?
My mamma's Catherine Branton, bro. No, I don't know who that is.
Hey...
..I'm sorry, I'm a huge fan of your shit,
I listen to your shit all the time.
By chance, do you have like an engineer or anything right now,
you know what I'm saying? Like...
Nah. OK. I don't ever like to do this but like, bro, I'm that guy
when it comes to engineering, like.
I'm going to say it, yeah, I'm the fucking one. The truth.
And I think that I could take your music to whatever the next
level is, you know, quality-wise, not anything else, though.
Like, you got your own fucking swag going down, big dog,
and it's fucking hard, so...
Yeah, lemme get your info.
Really? Yeah. OK.
What's up? 'Sup?
You guys throw a great party.
Oh, no, I'm not...I'm not...I'm not with these guys. I'm in finance,
a nocturnal stock trader.
Really? Yeah. What kind of stuff?
I've been pushing my clients to diversify.
Are...are you in finance? Well, music manager.
Oh! Rock and roll. Hm. Very cool. Yeah.
So, you don't just handle the contracts, you also do
their investment portfolio? Yeah, absolutely. Wow. Yeah.
That's interesting.
OK, so the master is the recording, right?
And the publishing is the songwriting? Exactly.
Right, so the artist has two streams of income.
You can't have one without the other. You have to have both.
No, no, you're not getting what I'm saying. No, I AM getting
what you're saying. You're not hearing what I'M saying.
Of course, they're going to give on the royalty if they're getting
10X on the publishing. It's called pub. Is it?
Yo, man, I'm telling you all about this Mafia game.
Tom Hanks put me down on it.
And, plus, he's, like, the best finesser in the world.
I mean, I can't believe I honestly met him.
Oh, my God, that's Young Thug. Really?
That's Young Thug right there, yes. Mafia sucks.
Young Thug, you've got to stop surrounding yourself with,
like, yes-men and theatre dorks.
Wait, what? That's Forrest Gump.
That's Gunna as well. Should we go over?
Yeah? Oh, my God. Like I said. What are you talking about?
That's Woody from Toy Story.
Hey, guys, you mind if we join? GUNNA: Sure.
Thank you.
YOUNG THUG COUGHS RASPINGLY
Dude, are you sick?
No, just, like, weed cough.
So...
HE COUGHS
It's so much phlegm.
Unbelievable amount of phlegm in that cough.
You know, hey, bro, you was sick, like, two days ago.
Yeah, I was sick, um, at, um, earlier this week,
but I'm not contagious any more.
How do you know if you're not contagious any more?
Like, how could you possibly deduce that?
Who knows when they are contagious?
Er, are you a doctor?
I'm not a doctor, I'm just implying that neither...
By the way, such a big fan.
I am just a rapper as well, and I have so much stuff to do this week,
and, you would know, you can't record with a stuffed nose
or a sore throat.
Just, you know, it's a dream to be here,
but I have to exit if you are sick.
I'm such a big fan of both of you.
And if you are sick, you shouldn't be... Fuck out of here. OK.
I'm just saying, let yourself heal. Don't smoke if you're sick.
OK, bye, Young Thug.
Yo, this nigga rap?
Kind of.
He can't be a rapper.
YOUNG THUG SCOFFS
Dressed like that?
HE LAUGHS
No fucking rap...
HE COUGHS
COUGHING
HACKING
Fuck.
Fucking Young Suck.
HE HACKS
David...
What? What are you doing here? Are you just standing here by yourself,
doing nothing? Er, yeah.
I can be alone with my thoughts.
I'm not a mental weakling.
I want to run something by you, though. Um...
You want to get situated?
No.
OK. Er, here it goes.
I want to be your manager.
Really?
Yeah, really.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
OK, well, I disagree.
Er, I...wholeheartedly disagree.
Why do you think it's not a good idea? Why? Yeah.
Er, how about cos you know nothing about the entire
music industry? How's that for an idea?
Do you really think it's that complicated?
Last night, I talked to a music manager.
He told me exactly what he does,
which took all of 15 entire minutes. Not that hard, OK?
You know I went to school for business? I'm a business major.
I'm not concerned about the workflow as much as I'm concerned about,
like, the cultural difference here. Oh, I am culturally hip. I'd like...
I want to fuck girls who wear Pumas. I get it, I'm...I'm a cool guy.
Also, last night, I chopped it up with the most famous rapper
I've ever met. Er, Todd Dillerson.
Todd Dillerson? Yeah, Todd Dillerson.
Ty Dolla Sign? Ty Dolla S... That's it - Ty Dolla Sign.
Yeah, him. I thought it was more formal to say Todd...
His name's not Todd Dillerson. Right, I get it. Are you joking?
OK, whatever. You're getting lost in the details. That...that...
Aren't you the guy who runs a rinky-dink operation that lets
rappers take tens of thousands of dollars from him on a whim?
You don't even own LilDicky.com.
It's not like I didn't attempt to buy LilDicky.com.
It was taken on GoDaddy, so I had to get LilDicky2.com.
Right. It is what it is. Well, LilDicky2, I reached out
to the guy that owns LilDicky,
and I bought it from him. You have LilDicky.com?
Yes, we - WE have LilDicky.com.
OK.
This is a lot to absorb right now.
HE SIGHS
Look, Dave, I need a challenge, OK?
I need something new in my life. I'm not happy right now at all.
And you need someone who's smart - me -
and who gives a shit about you, that you trust.
Do you believe in me as a rapper?
As much as it pains me to say it, I do, I really do.
Why? Because you've got it. I don't know what that is.
I always thought that was bullshit, but, without me,
or somebody like me,
I don't think you'll ever reach your full potential.
If I go through with this... Mm-hm?
..it's a trial run, OK?
I don't want you quitting your job right now.
HE LAUGHS
I'm not going to quit my job. No, this is my side hustle.
You're going to be my priority. But I need to make money.
Yeah, you're getting 20% of, like, the next Kanye. Are you kidding?
It's the biggest opportunity you'll ever get in your entire life.
Wow, yeah, I guess, if I do the math right here in front of you,
20% of what you're making right now... If that, if I carry...
And then my cut... Oh, is my cut zero?
You don't make any fucking money.
All right, look, I'm struggling seeing a downside here,
because if it doesn't work out, I just fire you. Hm.
No skin off my clit.
And, honestly, the ability to fire you is almost reason enough
to hire you. Like, what a joy that would be to just let you know
that you've been terminated.
So, let's see how it goes. Are you being serious? I'm willing
to give you the title interim manager. Wonderful.
OK, I'll get started right away. So, do you have a business account
or something, or...? I'll put you on an e-mail with the guy who does it.
All right, perfect. Could you send me the last three years
of his tax returns, please?
OK, I'll send you the last five, OK?
Hey, you get zip files?
Yeah. Yes, I do.
But you don't have to do that, Don.
No, no, that's OK. Already, I'm selecting,
and dragging, and zipping.
I'll let you know when it's zipped, OK?
OK, Don, looking forward to it.
Hey, I've got to tell you, Mike, Carol and I, we're just so happy
that you've taken Dave's finances under your wing.
Trust me, I have a front row seat to his spending.
It's unbelievable. We have three Roombas at the house,
and we don't even have a carpet. Look at this.
$42 on a delivery dinner for one.
And why did we get him the Camry if he's just going to Uber everywhere?
Well, at least he does FaceTime us when he's Ubering.
Yeah, but the data. The data.
That's true.
Hey, Mike, you got a Sam's Club nearby?
Um... You should get Dave a Sam's Club membership.
He can just use ours.
No, that would be illegal.
We use Karen Smiley's Hulu account. Is that illegal?
You can't compare taking a little bit of a stream once or twice
with fraud. Guys, I've got to go...
And you think it's going to hurt somebody? I think... Sam?
I don't want to get in trouble... All right, bye-bye.
Michael!
He hung up.
SHE SIGHS
Because you came.
What?! Shit!
Mike?! Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, Mike?
Yes.
FAKE LAUGHTER
Yeah, man, I have ambition, I make moves.
SILLY VOICE: Hi, I'm Lil Dicky, and this is my large leprechaun.
He manages me. If you have any business enquiries, talk to him.
Shit, man, I think it's tight, man.
Mike is family, bro, we've got to keep it in the family.
Keep the grass cut. I agree with...
What does that mean, "the grass cut"?
Keep the grass cut, fool, so the snakes will show, bro.
You've got to be able to see what's going on out here. Snakes?
Oh, he's not a snake, you're saying. Yeah, I can trust him, exactly,
that is a big factor. Look, I understand that it's a weird choice,
but he was the smartest guy in my entire college.
I used to be in class with him, and he would get in arguments
with professors, and win the arguments in front of
the whole class, and humiliate the professor.
It was like Finding Forrester. Look, mixing business with pleasure
is a terrible fucking idea. We do it all the time.
I find nothing pleasurable about working with you.
I think you need to understand that before we do anything else.
I'm OK. Let me ask you this, though.
Does he understand that he works for you,
like as an employee, you know? I... Yeah, I think so...
Somebody suck me!
Hi. That's me as your mucus to the neti pot.
Mm, right.
Also, I was 90% sure that this was the right room,
but, like, what if it wasn't?
Yeah. Can you imagine? Bold entrance.
See, neti pot - Mike's job.
Thanks, pie. You're welcome. Where's the distilled water?
I forgot it. I'm sorry.
But you could just use...
Tap water? Yeah.
Al, it needs distilled water. It goes up my nose,
it's next door to my brain.
You said this was going to be a Mike job now? Mike task.
Yeah, that checks out. Maybe we should move him in.
He would have brought the water.
Wow! I'm sorry, I appreciate you, pie.
Yeah, you can neti somewhere else, because I have Trippie Redd coming,
and obviously he's a scary person. He's coming soon? Now.
OK, I'll go neti. BRB.
Hey! What's up?
My little baby.
Well, shit, Elz, now that he gone,
we still have some studio time. Let your boy split some bars.
GaTa, you rap, too? Come on, Ally. He does rap.
Right now, he does not. You owe me, bro.
I owe you?! For what?
I put you in position at the art show, bro.
You wouldn't be in here if it wasn't for me.
How? Cos you walked up to him and tried to convince him
that your mothers were friends? I can't get none here?!
I need some studio time. I've got ghetto brilliance.
No!
TV: The penguins overwhelm the baby,
crushing its head in the process.
Yo, Sixers Suns, ESPN. You want to watch?
Oh, brother, I am knee-deep on this penguin doc.
You should sit and check this out. It's so sad.
Their home is depleting at such a rapid rate.
I hate to play the client card...
Really? Right now?
You're going to play the client card for the Sixers Phoenix Suns
regular season game?
It's part of my creative process. I love watching the Sixers
beat the shit out of the Suns. Gets me going, so going to need to...
Well, you know, usually part of the creative process is creating,
so, give a manager something to manage.
Yeah.
Yes.
Well said. I will do work.
Thank you. Brilliant. I know. God, you're good. Mm-hm.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
HE CLICKS TONGUE
Ah, ah, ah. Testing.
Ooh!
Do you have to do it right now? Yeah, work should be the top
priority, I think you were right. Well, it should, but I am...
Oh, man, I'm clocked out right now, so...
Really? But the industry's 24/7.
I'm surprised you'd ever be clocked out.
I could also just fire you.
HE CLICKS TONGUE
Give you more leg to stand on in this argument.
No, no, no. OK, you know what?
You know what? Look at that. I am all in.
Great. Uh-huh.
BEAT PLAYS QUIETLY
What's up? Don't you have something to lay down?
Don't you have some bars, baby?
Unless everything was just a big show so I would turn off the TV...
You wouldn't do that. Would you do that? Don't say another word.
I'm recording audio. Don't say another word.
My B, my B.
Let me hear you spit that hot fire.
Let's go, daddy. I know it's inside that gut.
You're fired. Great.
Oh, I love the way they waddle.
He wants these vocals...
..down.
Hey, I think we should be good.
All right, play that shit.
RAP TRACK PLAYS
Nah, this shit's trash. Roll it back.
Um, he wants me to roll it back.
Was that, like, a lyric, or...?
Er... Fucking...
RAP TRACK PLAYS
Nah, bro, move it back.
Move the first part to the back,
and move the second half to the front, bro.
Move it back and put the two in front of the one?
HE SIGHS
OK, I got it, I think.
I hope.
RAP TRACK PLAYS
Sound good to you?
Yeah, that's hot.
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
See some dishes in the sink.
Does that mean we had a productive day?
Unfortunately not.
I can't get much recording done.
My nose is stuffed as a pinata.
I understand how that's hard to get over that humongous obstacle,
but, you know, we've got to get some kind of schedule going.
Again, I can't produce unless you produce.
Don't say "again" when you say a sentence for the first time ever.
It's an annoying trait that you have.
We just need to have some kind of rhythm here.
You know what I mean? Like, in the morning, what if that's when you
start messing with beats?
And, then, by lunch, we've got some lyrics laid down,
some verses, and, then, by dinner time, we've got a hook or two,
then, end of day, we've got a song.
That's a full song, right?
What, the order is fucked up?
OK, fine, do the... Maybe the hook comes before the...
The hook will be... However you arrange it,
it doesn't fucking matter,
but we've got to have some kind of, like, system,
do you know what I'm saying? Did you just, like, Wikipedia music?
Beats, hooks, that's like... You sound...
Yesterday, you spent three hours responding to Instagram comments.
That's called fan engagement, bucko,
and you're welcome for taking all the time out to do that.
That's good for our brand. OK, valid.
You also spent one of those hours only responding to one guy
that said you suck.
I'm totally OK if a guy doesn't like me, but to say that I'm derivative
is just contradictory. Like, his argument made no sense.
I'm not derivative. No, you're not. You are very original.
You're the only artist I know that doesn't put out anything.
You've got to have some kind of, like, structure, you know?
It's got to be like a job. I don't know what to tell you.
My process is very slow. GaTa always says you can't rush greatness.
I agree. GaTa is also the same guy who asked me yesterday
if a rhinoceros is real.
What do you mean? Like, a real thing.
He...
Because they're extinct?
No.
I'm still waiting on a valid suggestion here.
Do you have any non-cockamamie ideas?
Oh, OK, OK? I think if the music thing is not working right now,
no vibes are kicking, I get that, then maybe we should go viral.
"Go viral"? You put out a video that you know is clickbait.
You know? Lures people. We'll put a titty in the thumbnail.
The cowboy kid did it at Walmart.
He was just singing in Walmart, some country bumpkin was like,
"Look at him singing, and how!", and they put that dude on Ellen.
You know, I haven't used up all my birthday wishes yet, so...
..it's going to happen.
I think you're underestimating how dumb the internet is.
What are you doing? What are you doing anyway?
Like, right now? Mm-hm.
I'm drifting.
All right, let's go viral.
WHISPERS: Be cool.
Somebody suck me!
WHISPERS: Dave, Dave, Dave, do it again.
It's not... I didn't get it.
One more. Do it again.
DAVE SIGHS
I'm sorry, guys. It's from The Mask.
We're going...viral.
Somebody suck me!
Sh!
MIKE LAUGHS
You got it? So good. So fucking good.
Somebody suck me!
We got there!
Somebody suck me!
# Somebody suck me... #
I don't understand the concept of just... Somebody suck me!
Is it the yellow zoot suit, or is it the...throwing out the request
of somebody to actually... do something to this individual?
Yeah, that's a bold request for sure.
Imploring somebody...to suck...him.
Somebody suck me!
Oh, my fucking God.
Honey, come here, Dave's on the internet.
Look! What is it?
Oh, I read about these. This is a G-I-F.
Authorities say the locusts could return in as soon as four months...
Somebody suck me!
..so we will continue to follow this for you.
Somebody... ..suck me!
Justin!
CLASS CHANTS: Somebody suck me!
ALL: Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me!
ECHOING: Somebody suck me!
40 million views.
I hope Jim Carrey doesn't sue us. Are you kidding me?
It would be awesome, but it's not going to happen.
Parody is fair use, man. We have to monetise this.
I'm talking to a merch company today about making shirts.
You know, I had this other thought for T-shirts where it was
the silhouette of my beard and my afro right in the middle.
Who would want that on their chest? What are you talking about?
Oh, my God! It's...it's the "somebody suck me" guy!
Hey, Lil Dicky, yeah.
I'm a musical artist, too.
Do "somebody suck me"!
Come on! Do it! Do it!
I don't want to.
Hey, are you the gay guy from Modern Family?
Yeah.
PASSENGERS CHEER
That's cool.
That's cool! No, it's not.