[instrumental music]
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Well, you'll come and visit me and, uh, I'll call.
- I love you so much. - Oh, me, too.
Still some packing to do. Got a big day tomorrow.
- Okay, mom. I'm coming. - Early start and a long drive.
- Goodbye. - Bye, Mrs. Sawyer.
Jason: Bye. - Oh, she hates me.
- No, she doesn't. She doesn't. - No.
She, she really, really does.
But I love you. Okay?
I should... I gotta go. I'll call you when I get there.
- And call me from the road. - Okay.
It's a three-hour drive to Michigan State.
We're gonna be okay. I'll see you soon.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. - Promise.
You bet your ass you will.
[instrumental music]
♪ Sittin' here eatin' my heart out waitin' ♪
♪ Waitin' for some lover to call ♪
♪ Dialed about a thousand numbers lately ♪
♪ Almost rang the phone off the wall ♪
♪ Lookin' for a lover who needs another ♪
♪ Don't want another night on my own ♪
♪ Wanna share my love with a warm-blooded lover ♪
♪ Wanna bring a wild man back home ♪
♪ Gotta have some hot love baby ♪
Oh, shit.
♪ This evening
♪ I need some hot stuff baby tonight ♪
♪ I want some hot stuff baby this evenin' ♪
♪ Gotta have some lovin'
♪ Gotta have some love tonight ♪ Hot stuff
[screams]
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah, I'm bare back there. Okay.
[alarm beeping]
Shit.
[instrumental music]
Oh, goddammit! Goddammit!
[sighs]
[screams]
♪ I need hot stuff
Patricia: Hello?
♪ Hot stuff
Hello?
Yeah. Okay. Here we go.
[grunting]
Oh...
[grunts]
[music continues]
Oh. Yeah.
♪ Hot hot hot hot
♪ Stuff
♪ Hot hot hot
Oh.
♪ Hot hot hot stuff
♪ Hot hot hot
♪ How's about some hot stuff baby this evenin'? ♪
♪ Ooh I need your loving
♪ Gotta have your hot stuff tonight ♪
- Annie? - Hi. Oh!
♪ Hot stuff ♪
Woman on laptop: Oh, yes! Oh!
Patricia! I'm dying for a piece of that pie, hon.
- Surprise! - Wh-- what're you doin'?
You leave for college tomorrow and I wanted to give you
a night to remember.
- Sex. I want to give you sex. - Oh. Sure. Yeah.
- Sex with me, tonight, now. - Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Cool. I just, I thought you didn't want to.
Oh, of course I want to.
- I just want it to be special. - Yeah.
- And romantic and perfect. - Right. Yeah.
I love you, and I wanna lose my virginity to you.
- Oh that's, that's so nice. - That is a Christmas card.
Patricia: That's what I said. Fred: I'm gonna take a picture.
My parents would love to see his face.
- Mm-hmm. - You wanna do the thing?
Guess what I'm wearing under my clothes.
Oh, I'm so ready. I'm so ready.
Oh, my! Oh! What... Uh, that's not what I wanted.
- Wow. What a beautiful pie! Patricia: Hi.
- Hello. - Who the hell is it?
It's me, daddy. You're on a video chat.
- It's a video chat. - What are you doing on TV?
Maybe you need, like, a doctor? Need some ointment or something?
- Shut up. - Oh.
Let's go upstairs and see your grandson.
- Huh? We made this pie for him. - Yeah.
- It's really hot. - She did such a good job.
Woman 1: Where are you? Man 1: I'm right here.
Woman 1: No, not you. I'm talking to them.
We're going upstairs, mom.
And Jason's gonna be surprised.
Just wait.
- Just wait. - Who's Jason?
Jason's your grandson, honey.
Man 1: What channel is this? - Just, uh...
- Hm? - Oh! What is that?
[mumbles]
What?
Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Yeah.
Patricia: Honey, we have a surprise for you.
Patricia: Jason? Fred: Jason?
Girl's got a prophylactic
in her mouth!
- Oh! - Hold on, mom. I'm not dressed.
[gasps]
Are you choking on the...
Patricia: Jason Sawyer, open this door!
Sorry, mom, I got a Charley horse in my leg.
Can you bring me the banana for the potassium?
[inhales sharply]
Okay. I love you very much.
- But, uh, you gotta go. - Okay. Bye.
[screams]
[cat meows]
[dog barking]
[gasps]
Patricia: Jason Sawyer! - Sorry, mom, uh...
That damned Charley horse.
Meemaw and peepaw saw your penis.
[instrumental music]
Kayla: No. Not yet.
Tim: Ow. You're so smart and gorgeous. Now?
Kayla: Not yet. I'll tell you when. Just a little higher.
Tim: Oh, you're my princess. Kayla: Rub softer but faster.
Smash that pussy now! Now!
Tim: Oh, I cherish you. I cherish you. Oh!
[moaning]
- Fuck, yeah. - Yeah.
We are the greatest couple ever.
- No one has sex like we do. - Oh.
I mean, I've never had sex like this,
but you're my first, so I don't know.
Hey, I showed you that you're in my lobster poems
I wrote about you, right?
Yeah, but, like, how amazing?
Like, oh, I don't know. Better than the other girls?
- You're doing it again. - Oh...
I'm not jealous. I'm just asking.
Yeah. It starts with asking and then you spiral.
[clanking]
Are you filming us? You little shit!
- That is a total violation. - Not cool, Keenan.
You respect my boundaries, you little shit!
- Ah... Tim: Get back here!
Give me that phone!
You will learn about emotional intelligence!
Delete that video! The framing isn't even good!
[sighs] Again? Really?
- Kayla! - Oops. Sorry. Love you.
Who the fuck is Monica?
I do not shrink from this responsibility.
I welcome it.
[moans]
JFK on TV: I do not believe that any of us...
The energy, the faith, the devotion...
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
JFK on TV: ...will light our country and all who serve it.
Bring it home now.
JFk on TV: ...the glow from that fire
can truly light the world.
And so, my fellow Americans,
ask not what your country can do for you,
ask what you can do for your country.
[crowd cheering]
♪ You can ring my bell ♪
- Principal Shankman! - Stephanie.
Whoo! Been waitin' for ya.
That outfit's amazing. I'm glad you reconsidered.
Decided to take me up on my offer.
- Strip, slave! Shankman: Oh! Kinky.
- Ooh. You like that? - I like it. I like it.
Stephanie: Are you excited? - Oh, yes, mistress.
- Handcuffs. - Well, handcuffs, yeah.
- Is that a whip? Stephanie: Yes, it is.
[chuckles] Whish! Whish!
- See, it's an app. - Oh.
It's for S and M freaks like you.
I like it. I don't really understand it--
Yeah, 'cause you're fucking stupid.
You know, can you do the mommy thing again?
The kids at school are gonna love that.
Wa-- wa-- wait a minute. Are you filming me?
Fuck, yeah, see, I've had it with you,
Principal Shankman, hitting on me
and the other girls. It's gross.
And I really don't want your pervy,
sexual harassing ass around for my senior year,
so welcome to your retirement party!
Young lady, take the handcuffs off.
Oh, no, no, no.
See, I'm in charge now, you creepy fuck.
Retire or this video goes viral.
So take the weekend, think about what you've done.
And I hope this teaches you a very valuable lesson.
Never, ever fuck with a Stifler.
- Stephanie! - Bye!
Stifler! Stifler!
You're in big trouble.
I'm in bigger trouble.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You choked on a blowjob condom and you don't even get slammed?
It's called a dental dam. Why does no one know this?
Okay, so you use a dental dam for safety,
but you still fell out of a window
and, you did not get laid.
Yeah, I get it. I messed up.
I'm sorry if I wanted my first time
to be both safe and beautiful, okay?
Sex isn't supposed to be beautiful,
it's supposed to be hot and dirty and hungry!
I am going to do it and it is going to be beautiful, okay?
Tough-love time, Annie. Your boyfriend's a total bro-bag.
- Yeah. - Jason is not a bro-bag.
I didn't wanna say it, but he is the basic
of all bros. I'm sorry.
Guys, we're supposed to be having fun
and fuckin' celebrating our youth!
- Senior year, bitches! - Whoo!
[screaming]
Back-to-school party!
[screaming]
♪ Tonight ♪
[screaming]
Students of East Great Falls!
Welcome to the annual back-to-school party!
[cheering]
And on Monday we go back to the bullshit banality
of high-school life, but today the sun is out,
the booze is flowing
and we're teenagers prone to bad decisions!
Yeah!
[cheering]
[instrumental music]
Ah! Drink it down!
East Great Falls!
- Hey, girl! - Whoo!
What's good, Stifler?
Brett McCormick. At a party and still conscious. Good for you.
You know, Stifler, I hear things.
You've got the reputation of being the bang of the century.
Feels like I'm missing out.
You know, that's a real pantry-dropper, McCormick.
I'll tell you what, not today, not tomorrow,
not if you were the last man on Earth.
Not if I even loved the reek of Axe body spray.
Not if I didn't already know you have a itty-bitty little dick.
- That's not-- - No, see, I hear things, too.
So don't try to be clever, that would just
be really bad for you.
Just don't throw up anywhere,
or do any nonconsensual groping.
That's your job for today. I believe in ya.
[laughing]
They're my feelings.
You're being ridiculous! Okay?
Tim: You, you hacked my phone.
Okay, so I hacked my boyfriend's phone.
Everybody does it, by the way.
- Am I right, ladies? Yes, okay? - No!
And I see some thirsty bitch hitting on you?
For the last time, that thirsty bitch is my cousin.
Are you telling me people don't fuck their cousins?
Because it happens. Their kids have tails.
And-- and she asked if you've been working out?
Because she's my physical therapist.
She helped me when I blew out my knee last year.
- Wait. I vaguely remember this. - Yeah.
And you-- you texted her, and you told her I have an STD!
Kayla: Yeah, I wanted her to stay away from you.
Yeah, well, she called my mom
and now my mom thinks I have syphilis.
Well, she's gonna be so relieved when she finds out you don't.
Okay? You know, that can lead to madness if not treated.
Kayla! I'm breaking up with you.
Tim, I love you.
Is this a joke? We're in love, stupid!
Hey, sweetie. You-- you okay?
Oh, that? Yeah. I, we just break up so that we can make up.
Yeah, it's just a little speed bump.
Oh! You guys wanna go get fucked up? Let's go.
- Uh, okay. Whatever you want. - Okay.
- That's concerning. - Tequila!
[cell phone ringing]
- Hey, hey! - Hey!
Annie, what's, what's up?
Uh, I'm at this stupid party and I was just missing you.
Oh. Okay.
That's good. That's real good.
Oh. In my mouth next time. Okay.
Whoa! [burps] I gotta go. I'll-- I'll talk to you later.
Oh. Okay. I... Well, I love... you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm there.
♪ Come and get me oh
Mm, mm, oh.
Oh, you might wanna... Okay.
♪ You say you want me push up on me come and get me ♪
- How we doin'? - My sex-starved boyfriend...
Is surrounded by a bunch of college THOTS,
and I'm the only 17-year-old virgin in history!
You are the lucky one. Ignorance is bliss, my virginal friend.
It could be days before Tim and I are back together.
None of us need a man to have a healthy sex life.
I am learning that technology has given us
incredible innovations in self-pleasure.
And, like, whatever you're into.
External, internal, dildos, rabbits, wands,
vibrators, remote-controlled, butt plugs,
anal beads, ben wa balls--
- Ben wa balls? - Oh, yeah.
I have two in right now.
It is a very specific sensation.
Ooh. [chuckles] They're amazing.
The knowledge that you have something in your vagina
is very unsettling to me.
That is my whole point, I would argue that you could use
some unsettling experimentation, Annie.
Do you have a toy?
We don't... I don't do that.
Why does she hate you?
Guys, we're all lacking something in the romance area.
But I feel like we gotta figure this shit out,
like, it's our senior year.
- What do you mean? - Goal-setting.
- Okay, but-- but what goals? - Oh.
For you, you need a guy who appreciates your sense of humor
and doesn't take things so personally.
Maybe someone who's less emotional--
Yeah, like, someone, like, way less woke.
Not a guy who wants to make sweet love.
You need a guy who wants to fuck, you know?
Oh, my God, I do need someone who wants to fuck!
- There you go. - Okay, my turn, my turn. Do me.
Oh, yeah, that's pretty simple. You need someone smart.
Yeah, you need someone who understands you,
who would like social consciousness,
but also like integrity.
Yeah, like, someone a little kinky.
I like it. Okay. What about Steph?
Me? Oh, I am so good.
Oh, sweetie, sorry, but you need some serious work.
What? Excuse me? What exactly do I need?
- Annie, take it. - A nice guy.
Someone who wants to be around you
and buys thoughtful presents and asks about your day.
Hear, hear.
[laughing]
Okay. What about Annie?
Um, to have sex with the man I love.
Guys, these goals are totally attainable.
- But we need a deadline. - Homecoming.
About a month away, and it has the perfect theme.
Theme?
Your lack of school spirit
is truly disheartening.
Ladies, come on. It's a Morp dance.
Prom spelled backwards, we switch all the conventions,
and most importantly, girls ask guys.
Okay. Rule one, set a goal to fix our romantic lives.
Rule number two, we support our fellow women.
Three, we are all accountability partners
and we won't let each other get away with our usual shit.
- Okay. - Yes. Yes.
And rule four, deadline is homecoming.
- The Morp dance. Annie: Wait, but...
I don't like that it's rules.
Makes it sound like a competition.
Well, everything is a competition.
Uh, it's not, though. It's a pact, so...
- Ooh, a pact. Okay. - Well, ladies.
Please raise your glasses to The Girls' Rules.
- Yes! Oh! - Cheers.
Kayla: We have a pact!
♪ Call it classic reach out and grab it ♪
♪ Super massive pulls like a magnet ♪
♪ Jumping straight out the box you got me like whoa ♪
♪ Whoa whoa whoa
♪ Well hello got got got me like whoa ♪
♪ Well hello
Okay, we start today, we're getting what we want,
and if anybody doesn't like it, can eat a bag of dicks.
Kinda feel like, uh, we're Charlie's Angels,
but not the Drew Barrymore one,
the older one where no one wore bras.
Nice.
♪ I'm attracted I've gotta have it ♪
♪ Super massive pulls like a magnet ♪♪
Not to ruin this bad-ass moment of female empowerment,
but look at our choices.
Kayla: You're right. We've known these rats since elementary.
You really think we go to school with the perfect guy
and just haven't noticed?
Stephanie: Oh, I think exactly that. Look.
There's over 500 guys at East Great Falls.
The guy you might be looking for might be
right under your oyster.
Or at Michigan State.
Okay, ironically, I think that
Annie, out of all of us, will probably benefit
the most from our pact.
Especially the part where we call on her bullshit.
- What bullshit? - Okay.
You wanna lose it to Jason the D-bag? Here's an idea.
Get your ass down to Michigan State
and fuck his little brains out.
Seems simple, yet here you are.
- That was harsh. Stephanie: Yeah, rule three!
- Accountability partner! - Jason's busy.
I'm trying to plan a trip there, but with his school schedule,
we barely even get time to talk.
- Yeah. - So sad.
Oh. Adios,mofos.
In the meantime, I suggest we start training.
In order to enjoy sex, you need to know what you like, right?
- What are you thinking? - I'm thinking..
That we do a shopping trip. Ee...
Oh, gotta go. Gonna be late.
Ah...
Whoa!
Shit. Shit, shit. Shit.
♪ You can ring my bell
♪ Ring my bell ♪
[groaning]
Hm.
[grunts]
Oh.
- Oh, my God. Michelle: Hey.
Are you okay?
That looked really painful.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good. No, I'm great.
I, um, I just, I was, uh, late for class.
It's a little schedule blunder. It's a pre-Calc.
It should've said Calc-Calc. Hence the running.
But you look lost, and as student council vice president,
it's actually my obligation to help you. Hi. I'm Michelle.
And I'm trying really hard to hide my growing anxiety
about being late for class.
I'm Grant. Just moved here. Totally lost.
And amused at your growing anxiety.
But you're in luck. I am also on the way to Calculus.
I'd be more than happy to report how you selflessly helped me,
even though it made you late, and I'll be sure to leave out
the part about you, you know, face-slamming a door.
[chuckles]
Is that a ben wa ball?
Yeah.
- Three-second rule. - Okay.
- Should we go? - Yeah.
A sweet treat for my sweet treat.
What are you doing? We broke up. Remember?
We had a little squabble. Pumpkin spice or mocha?
This is real. It's over. You're just not my lobster.
[sighs]
Mind if I join you?
Look, I know this is not in any way my business,
but I couldn't help but overhear.
- Oh, God. - Yeah, it's pretty uncomfy.
But I figured it might be a less pathetic moment
if you weren't sitting alone, while your ex is still watching.
You really wanna drive him nuts?
Pass me that delicious pumpkin spice.
Who are you?
I'm Grant. I'm cheering you up.
You're trying to steal my coffee.
Mm, that's just an added bonus.
I'm Kayla.
- Nice to meet you, Kayla. - Mm.
[clears throat] Why'd you give me the mocha one?
You think I'm just gonna give you pumpkin spice?
This shit is seasonal, and I don't even know you.
Touche.
♪ Huh yeah
[indistinct yelling]
[groaning]
[grunting]
Who wants some? Yeah!
♪ Your life's again low
♪ Squeeze the good and then go ♪
♪ It's our big night ♪ Hey
♪ Our big night
Who the fuck is that?
Meredith: Who's the fresh meat?
Yeah, look at that snack.
- Nice dick! - You spooked him. Ball!
- No way. He's too far. - Twenty bucks.
- I want some of that. - You're on.
Go on, give me some space.
Wait for it.
♪ Let everyone know
- Fuck, yeah! - Oh, shit!
I can't believe, he might be dead.
- You killed the snack! - Venmo me, motherfuckers!
♪ Girls gone bitch girls gone bitch oh.. ♪♪
Oh, my God! I, I am so sorry.
Are you okay?
Um, I think so.
Whoa. You good?
Yeah, I, I think so.
Um, I'm Stephanie. Stephanie Stifler.
I'm Grant.
Uh, oh, your hands are so soft.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I'm looking for the boys' lacrosse practice.
Oh. The, the boys' practice is on the east field.
- Yeah, I'll walk you. - Oh, it's, it's okay.
- Nice goal, by the way. - It was good, right?
You will be mine.
[instrumental music]
Come on.
Oh, my God. I am very uncomfortable right now.
Okay, Annie, let's just take a deep breath and calm down
and realize that this is just a store.
There's nothing weird or wrong or dirty about this place.
- You come here a lot? - Michelle.
- Hey, Rose. - I guess so.
The new VJ-VAX just came out.
Girl, it's great for your nipples,
your tongue, your clitoris, any sphincter--
She's naming so many different body-part words.
Poor thing, you're still allowing yourself
to be clit-blocked by the patriarchy.
I'm so sorry. Did I hear you say the VJ-VAX came in?
I've just heard amazing things.
- They're all true. - Oh, can I get a demonstration?
- Okay. Come on. - Oh, no.
Oh, dear God.
Welcome to your sexual awakening.
Somewhere on this wall lies the access point to your orgasm.
But to pick the right toy, I do need a little bit
of information. Are you an innie or an outtie?
Am I what?
Okay. Why don't we use this rubber vagina as a visual aid?
That's a return, but we cleaned it.
Thanks, Rose.
Okay, do you like this, or do you like this?
I'll-- I'll-- I'll just pick option A.
Well, that makes a lot of sense, most women
orgasm through clitoral stimulation.
Actually, did you know that 75 percent of women
never orgasm through intercourse alone? It's a fact.
I'm sorry, ladies, could you just...
You're blocking the good stuff.
- Oh. - Sorry.
How about this guy?
Hello. How are you?
- Ew. - Aw, sweet baby bird.
Let me guess. Is this your first toy?
Yes, it is her first toy.
That is such a special day in a woman's life.
Oh, sweetheart. I remember my first like it was yesterday.
- The Muscle Massager 5000. - Still a bestseller.
Mm. That thing was squirt-tastic.
But nothing compares to this gem right here.
Three vibrating stimulators,
curved tip to help you find that elusive G-spot.
Spoiler alert, it's in the front.
There's a rabbit for your itty-bitty clitty.
And if you pee a little bit, don't worry, it's waterproof.
I mean, it is a beautiful time to be alive, ladies.
- Am I right? - Yeah.
Wait. Call off the dogs.
The search is off. I found it.
These black lacy panties are perfect.
They're discreet. They're non-invasive.
I agree. Those are perfect.
And I'm so excited for the journey
that you're about to embark on.
Godspeed, little bird. Godspeed.
- Wow. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - What?
- Relax. - Relax?
It's super-weird, but a strangely helpful woman
just picked out a vibrating undergarment for me.
She's not weird. She's a goddess. And who cares?
You're never gonna see her again. Let's go.
Oh. Hey, honey.
Hey, dad. Big test. Gotta study.
You have a test already?
Wow.
Must be some kind of accelerated school.
[sighs]
[instrumental music]
[buzzing]
Oh, my God.
[doorbell rings]
Hi, uh, I just moved in next door
and I wanted to introduce myself.
I'm Ellen, and... Oh, come here, hon.
This is my son, Grant. I made you a pie.
- Uh, come in. - Thank you.
Jason: Babe, I, I got, I gotta get to class.
You don't have time to knock one out?
Are you, are you saying you wanna have cyber sex?
Because, uh, yeah, that would, that would, that would be dope.
I bought something for us.
So I just thought I'd make this for you and your, your wife.
No wife, sadly. Divorced.
It's, uh, just me and my daughter.
What a coincidence. Me, too.
Oh. What do you say we dig into this delicious pie? Apple?
- Cherry. - Mm.
Still hot.
Oh, come on. Oh, you gotta, you gotta show me.
You gotta show me. Please? Please.
[sighs] Okay. Just a peek.
Oh, dammit! Oh, oh, my Wi-Fi sucks.
[chuckles] Okay, all you need to know
is that they're tiny and lacy
and they have a remote control.
You control your panties with that?
Jason: Oh, nice. Oh, you got.. Turn it on. Mm-hmm.
[vibrating]
[moans] Oh, wow.
- Oh. - It's so good.
That is so good.
Mm, I'm so glad that you like it.
Oh, I like it. I like it a lot.
Oh, shit.
Oh. I've never heard you cuss before.
I like it. Can you, can you, can you cuss again?
Annie: Holy fuck. [moaning]
- Mm. - Huh?
So, Kevin, how long have you been divorced?
Long time.
Such a long... time.
Okay, you know, this has been great,
but I have a big test tomorrow. I gotta go study for it--
Oh. I, I bet Annie's studying for the same test.
- Mm... Jason: Ooh.
Okay. Whoa.
Annie: Oh, shit. - Fantastic.
Kevin: You go to East Great Falls?
Actually, we both do. I'm the new principal.
Huh. No way.
You know what? Annie loves a surprise.
We should go up and say hi to her.
Holy fuck.
Whoo! Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm gonna pop.
- Hey, honey, you busy? - Oh!
No! Hey!
- Whoa! - Just-- just chillin'.
Well, great, because I want to introduce you
to your new principal. This is Ms. Fisher.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm gonna pop!
Oh, I'm popping! I'm popping!
It's been giving me trouble all day.
Just noises coming out of there.
Huh, you know, funny story.
Annie and I have actually already met.
- Oh? Oh, yeah-- - At the library.
Yeah, I was checking out Moby Dick,
and she had a cute little romance novel.
- How is that going for you? - It's so good.
- Good to hear. - Yeah.
You know, I wanna introduce you to my son, Grant.
Isn't he handsome?
Nice to meet you.
I'm Grant. Nice to meet you, too.
[chuckles]
You guys hear that? It's like a hum.
[humming]
No, I'm not, I don't, I don't hear anything.
[Annie chuckles]
- Annie, you okay? - Oh, I'm, uh--
You know what I think would be good?
I think it'd be great if we went downstairs
and got Annie a hot piece of pie.
- Oh! Oh, God yes. - Great.
You know, sometimes a girl just needs something simple.
Am I right, honey? Here, why don't you give me a tour?
Let's start with your bedroom.
[panting]
[moaning]
It's very high-tech.
- Nice to meet you, Annie. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Emmett on PA: This year's homecoming theme is so exciting.
So come as you dream, because we are having a pajama party
Morp! Whoop whoop! That's prom spelled backwards.
Uh, instead of tuxedos and gowns,
put on your PJs and onesies! That's crazy!
Now I have the super-important responsibility
of introducing our new leader, Principal Ellen Fisher.
Ellen on PA: Oh. Thanks, Emmett. Hello.
I bet you're pretty surprised to see me here in this position.
- Well, guess what? - Holy shit.
I'm surprised, too.
It is her. You're right.
I told you.
You said I'd never see her again, but I did.
An hour later, in my bedroom,
when I was using a recently-purchased item.
Ew. God. Private conversation.
A strong, accomplished woman
who's very comfortable with her sexuality?
She's, like, the perfect role model.
[scoffs]
Ellen on PA: It seems that Principal Shankman
retired rather abruptly.
But I know we all wish him very, very well.
So you guys have a great day. Go, Trademakers!
- Ah, Trailblazers. - Trailblazers. I know.
Go, Trailblazers!
[school bell ringing]
- Hey, you. - Ah! Hi. Kayla, right?
[laughs] I got your favorite.
Wow. Thank you. Mm. It really does taste like fall.
[laughs] Oh, it so does.
- You're so funny. - Ah.
I'm just gonna head to class.
Thank you again, very much.
[humming]
Hey. Who's that guy?
Who is, uh... Oh. That guy. That's Grant.
My friend. My special friend.
We just broke up three days ago.
Tim, are you jealous? That is so cute.
[inhales] You know, if you ever wanted me to drop by...
Ah, we're not getting back together.
Oh. Back together? Who wants that? [chuckles]
No, I'm just talking about a little ex-sex.
- Click. - Ex-sex?
How many times do we sneak off during lunch
and go do it at your place? What's a few more?
Oh, I mean, if you don't want to, I, you know,
I, I think I have plans with Grant anyway. So--
Uh, lunchtime. My place.
So you guys getting back together?
That's how a bad bitch does it.
[instrumental music]
She was holding my spot. Yeah.
Hi. Remember me?
- No. - Sure you do.
Yesterday, your room, you were pleasuring yourself.
Shh. Gross. Don't say it like that.
Well, how should I say it?
Just, don't say it, ever, to anyone.
Okay, I won't, 'cause it's nobody's business.
- Fries, please. - Right.
You know, to tell you the truth, though,
I found the whole thing kind of,
I don't know, endearing.
- I have a boyfriend. - Oh, I know.
I didn't get to meet him, but he sounded really nice.
Woman 2: Eggplant taco? - Yeah. Please. Thank you.
Look, just because you barged into my room
while I was having a private moment with the love of my life,
doesn't mean you know me.
I'm sorry, The "I'm about to pop, I'm-popping guy,"
that-- that's the love of your life?
I am in a mature, committed relationship.
And if I told Jason the things you are saying,
oh-ho, you wouldn't be too happy, pal.
Okay. Got it, pal.
Look, I wish you and your Internet lover
a lifetime of happiness. Enjoy your lunch.
Thank you.
You're good at talking to boys. How do you start?
I'm having trouble with my opening.
Well, the damsel-in-distress shit usually works like a charm.
Oh, well, I am not doing that.
Girl, it's amazing how dumb men can get
when they think we actually need them, so...
Grant: Emmett, what up, man?
Hello, sexy.
Okay, why is my wet dream hugging Emmett?
Wait.
You don't actually like Grant, right?
I-- I mean, he's not your type.
What could you two possibly have in common?
Undeniable animal magnetism, baby.
Um, I have to go, uh, to... I have a library...
I need to go to the... I have a book.
I gotta, bye. I'll see you later.
- See ya. - Text me.
Stephanie: Mm-hmm.
Damsel in distress. Damsel in distress.
Damsel in distress. Mm, okay.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Oh, shit!
- Oh! - Oh!
[groans]
You, again. You okay?
[chuckles] Yeah.
- Whoa. Hi. - Hi.
I'm just so fragile and delicate.
- Okay. - Wow.
Your neck is very muscly.
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
I think maybe we should get you some medical attention.
- Okay. - Okay.
Mind if I join you? Hey.
What? Uh, no. Why?
Oh, come on. We don't even talk anymore.
Yeah, not since fifth grade
when you told everyone I wet my pants at recess.
But you did.
No, it was a malfunctioning water fountain.
- Oh, right. Okay. - Look, I'm reading, alright?
And I know this isn't a practice you're familiar with,
but it's a nonverbal cue which says
I'm enjoying some solitary time, so, maybe don't bother me.
Okay, well, I kind of feel bad about the whole
wetting-the-pants thing now.
Yeah, you should.
Hey, the guy you were talking to, Grant... You guys friends?
Ah, we've only been roommates at band camp
the last seven summers, so, uh, yeah.
- Yeah, we're friends. - Whoa. Grant's in band?
- No shit. - Yeah.
He's an incredibly talented saxophone player.
- Boring. - No.
Sax is the sexiest wind instrument, so it's not boring.
Okay. What are his hobbies? What's he like?
Okay, you haven't spoken to me in, like, nine years.
So why don't you go ask Grant these questions?
Okay, look, Emmett, I'm kinda turning over a new leaf.
I'm looking to date a different type, someone nice.
And anyway, my charms of seduction don't seem
to be working on him, so I was thinking that,
I don't know, you'd help me out.
You want me to help
trick my good friend Grant into liking you?
- Yeah, that's pretty much it. - Mm.
Just so he can be another notch on your lipstick case?
Okay, news flash. I don't have a lipstick case.
And neither does anyone under the age of eighty, so...
Look, dude, are you gonna help me or what?
[chuckling] Well, I foresee a couple of problems.
- What? - Well, Grant...
He's got this whole good-taste thing.
Yeah, and then, and then there's my integrity.
I'm reluctant to help trick my friend
into a romance with a dementor.
- Heh. - What's that?
Dark creatures that consume human happiness.
It's from "Harry Potter."
Wow, you are such a fucking nerd.
Look, I'll give you 20 bucks.
How dare you? You know, this guy's a friend.
It's a $100 minimum.
Better be worth it.
Hey, I think we need a nurse. Injured student.
- Code blue! - Huh?
No... No, no, no.
- No code blue. I'm-- I'm fine. - Grant, what happened?
Principal Fisher. Grant, put her in this chair, alright?
- I'll get her to the nurse. - Here we go.
- You're good. - No, no, no, I...
- Hey, take good care of her. - Good work.
- But, uh... - Oh, my God!
- Your hair smells so beautiful. - Wa... Mm...
Uh, seriously, it's fine. You don't have to push me.
No, no, no. We're not taking any chances here, alright?
Not with the Academic Decathlon captain.
We need you this weekend against Parkway High.
You watch the Academic Decathlon?
Are you the guy that's always holding up signs and cheering?
Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Oliver. Ollie, if you're nasty.
Okay, gonna ignore that last part.
Listen, Principal Fisher and her son, are they close?
Yeah. Yeah. Real modern family.
Single mom, only child.
And you're her student aide.
Do you need any help in the office?
- Yes! - Great.
[moaning]
[breathing heavily]
Wow.
- That was... - Yum.
That was, um... [grunting] different.
I like.
Yeah, yeah, something about the, uh,
impulsive nature of our meeting,
made me feel a little wild.
- Didn't it? - Oh. Yeah.
Casual hookups, no strings, no emotions.
- I am so good. - Okay.
- Oh. I'm gonna head out. - Wait.
- Y-- you don't have to go yet. - Oh, no.
Super fun frolic. Bang you later. Maybe not.
Who knows? Gotta go back to school.
Oh, so you just happened to be in the library
during your free period?
Well, that's one way to say hello.
Sorry. Hi, Grant.
I'm afraid now is not a good time
to inappropriately flirt with me,
not only because I have a boyfriend,
but also because my fascist French teacher
also decided he likes daily pop quizzes.
So I guess I'll be spending my free periods learning French.
Damn. You're really feeling yourself, huh?
I'm just sitting here, minding my business.
Oh, so you're not gonna flirt with me?
I mean, I'm not, now.
Took all the fun out of it.
[scoffs]
Alright, wait. I get it. Okay.
You have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.
It's just fun seeing you get all flustered and worked up.
You know, I actually speak French.
I'd be more than happy to help you prep for the quizzes.
Just friends. Study buddies.
Alright, no funny business. Truth is, I'm kind of lonely.
I mean, I don't know anyone at this school.
You'd be doing me a favor, seriously.
You really speak French?
Oui, oui.
[chuckles]
Fine.
- But just study buddies. - Of course.
[upbeat music]
♪ A goddess on a mountain top
♪ Burning like a silver flame
♪ The summit of beauty and love ♪
♪ And Venus was her name
♪ She's got it
♪ Yeah baby she's got it
♪ I'm your Venus I'm your fire at your desire ♪
♪ Well I'm your Venus I'm your fire at your desire ♪
♪ Her weapons were her crystal eyes ♪
♪ Making every man a man
♪ Black as the dark night she was ♪
♪ Got what no one else had
♪ Waah
♪ She's got it
♪ Yeah baby she's got it
♪ I'm your Venus I'm your fire at your desire ♪
♪ Well I'm your Venus I'm your fire at your desire ♪
♪ Yeah baby she's got it
she's got it ♪♪
This whole walk home I've been putting off
asking you to my mom's party.
You know, teachers, old people, total rager.
And it's Saturday afternoon,
as if it's for a child, so even better.
Ah, as fun as that sounds, I...
See, that excitement level was exactly why I put this off
until the end of our walk.
But lucky for me, your dad's
totally gonna make you go anyway.
Yeah, I think him and my mom,
like, have something going on.
[chuckling] Ew. Anyways, see you at the party.
- Ah, oh... Wait. What? - You're welcome.
[Annie laughs]
Ew.
♪ I was all caught up for a while... ♪
Emmett: I-- I've dug up great stuff on Grant,
so just, uh, wait here, and don't steal anything.
- Okay? - Great.
♪ Too bad that he's acting like a child ♪
[chuckles]
♪ I rather act like the woman I am ♪
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
- What the shit is this? - Wow.
Your grasp of the English language continues to astound.
Uh, wow. Well, uh...
I-- I guess I don't redecorate as much as I should.
Oh, hardy-fuckin'-har. You have a picture of me. Framed.
I know you probably didn't notice this,
but I'm in the picture as well.
God, we were, like, nine.
Dude, why do you even have this?
I like it. Okay?
Lo-- look at these kids, alright? They're friends.
No one's judging. No one has their feelings hurt.
So I keep this around.
- You got a problem with that? - No.
Alright, now if you're ready to set your psychological sex trap,
I've got a decade of back-story.
I can't express how much I don't wanna go inside.
Okay, you know what, it's time that you understand
what you want doesn't really matter.
Take me, for example.
I wake up every morning
and I drag myself to a job that I hate.
Ah, life lesson. Neat.
The point is, I'm gonna be fine,
as long as you don't cock-block me tonight.
- Comprendez? - Ew.
- Oh! - Ew!
- Daddy, gross. - Gross!
Yes. Get in there and be social.
[indistinct chatter]
Kevin: Oh, yeah.
- It's on like Donkey Kong. - Donkey what?
See you later.
Kayla: Party in the house!
[chuckling]
- Oh, yes. - What are you doing here?
- No way! Stephanie: What up, bitches?
Kayla: What? - Is this a wake or what?
I'm super confused. Why are you all here right now?
Grant: Hey, Annie.
- Ladies. - Hey.
Thank you for all coming to my mom's lame party.
Wait. I didn't know you guys all knew Grant that well.
Yeah, um, I only bought him, like,
three pumpkin spice lattes
this week, right?
Well, he, um, carried me to safety
when I broke my leg.
Annie: When did you... Which-- Stephanie: Break your... Yeah.
It's much better now. Stephanie, what are you doing here?
- I came with Emmett. - Who?
That kid. Yeah. So he's Grant's best friend.
And I'm friends with Emmett, so it's kind of like
Grant and I are besties, right?
- Sure. - Oh, and...
Where's your boyfriend, Kayla?
I told you, Stephanie, we broke up.
Hm. You keep on saying how nonstop the sex has been, right?
- Yeah. - It's been like dirty.
And hungry. You know what I mean?
Let's have a little, can we have a little girls', like, powwow?
No, I'm fine.
Okay, so apparently,
you've all chosen Grant for the pact?
Yeah, he's smart and articulate.
Yeah, nice guy. I mean, he hasn't hit on me once.
Have we considered if that's because he's just not into you?
- Screw you. - Rule number three.
I'm calling you on your bullshit.
Making Tim jealous is not your goal.
And as your accountability partner, I'm just reminding you,
neither is kissing up to Grant's mom, so...
Rule number two, we are best friends.
We should support each other.
We shouldn't let some boy come between us.
- Us? - Hah!
- I meant between you. Stephanie: Right.
'Cause Emmett and I have seen you having
little French lessons with Grant.
Uh-huh. We've been studying.
- "Studying." - I have a boyfriend.
God, yes! Annie, we get it. Thank you!
Grant: Hey. - Oh...
Everything cool?
You know, we should just table this. Okay?
- But... Oh... - Tabled!
- Uh... - Uh...
Stifler.
It doesn't seem like he's that into her.
Hm. I thought you didn't care.
I'm just making an observation.
Right. You two guard the stairs.
- I'm gonna do some recon. - What does that mean?
You know, check out his room, scope it out,
smell his underwear, I don't know. Bing-bang-boom.
That's kind of an invasion of his privacy.
- It is? - Hm?
- Oh, my God, his privacy! - Yeah.
- Just guard the stairs, nerds. - Okay.
- Oh, boy. Michelle: You know...
I think I'm gonna do some recon work of my own.
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
[door opens]
[instrumental music]
So I do have some goodies, but not enough to go around.
- Oh, I don't care if anybody-- - Hey, Annie's dad!
Principal Fisher, I just wanted to tell you that I am so excited
to have a strong female role model to look up to.
I was thinking maybe you and I could spend--
- Oliver! [clearing throat] Hm? - Uh...
Hi, uh, Principal Fisher doesn't wanna talk to you anymore,
but I would love to.
- Do you wanna hear my JFK? - Who are you?
Stephanie: Something's been missing out of my life.
You know, like a void that needs to be filled, even--
- Ow, ow! - Oh, sorry.
Okay, look, I sense some resistance
and I really don't know what the problem is,
so if you could just, like, clear that up for me,
that'd be great.
Okay, uh, well, for one,
you hit me in the head with a lacrosse ball, so...
Dude, it was an accident.
- Was it? - Yeah.
Mm, I mean, I saw the Venmo.
You got paid 20 bucks for knocking out the new hot guy.
Well, have you seen yourself?
[chuckles] I forgot something in my room. I'll be back.
- Alright. Nice ass. - Yeah, thank you.
Oh, shit.
What the...
[camera clicking]
Oh!
- Grant! - Hi.
Hey, you're, uh, you're missing the party.
Yeah, I'm, uh, kinda hiding, actually.
That girl Stephanie is so extra and kind of terrifying.
Oh, uh, for your information, guys are obsessed with her
and she also happens to be a really great person. So, um...
I didn't mean anything by it. She's really nice.
Just not my type.
- You are. - Uh...
[chuckling]
I'm sorry. I know you have a boyfriend,
and I'm not supposed to say or feel anything
and I don't wanna ruin the only friendship I have, so...
- No. - No?
[instrumental music]
[camera clicking]
Oh, hi.
Breaking news, bitches!
Oh, shit.
[indistinct yelling]
Whoa!
Oh, shit.
[groaning]
Wow. It is like Donkey Kong.
[Stephanie groaning]
I'm okay.
Ow.
Okay, what the hell was that?
Let me answer that question with another question.
- What the hell is this? - [gasping] Annie!
You said that you weren't even interested in Grant.
First of all, shh! Second of all, delete that.
- I, I didn't do anything. - "I didn't do..."
You were practically eating his face.
- That's dramatic. - What'd it taste like?
Guys, I am sticky and embarrassed
and I just got rejected by a man for the first time in my life.
- Oh, boo-hoo. - Go cry me a river.
Let's just call it a day. Cool?
- Fine. - Fine.
- I don't even care! - Oh. [mumbling]
Hey, Annie. Can we talk real quick?
- Uh, nothing to talk about. - Really?
How about the girl doing a photo shoot in my lacrosse uniform
or, I don't know, how we kissed and you hit me?
We did not kiss. You kissed me. Unannounced.
- Without permission. - Come on.
You gave me permission with your face.
You gave me kiss face. It was, it was like...
- Oh, my face did not do that. - Yeah. Yes, it did.
- It did not. - That's exactly what it did.
I'm, I'm just gonna go home.
- So it was good seeing you. - Okay.
- You live that way. - I live that way.
- Yup. - I knew that.
[instrumental music]
[singing in foreign language]
[doorbell ringing]
[singing continues]
Bonjour.
[singing continues]
[speaking in foreign language]
[singing in foreign language]
[sighs]
[speaking in foreign language]
[gasping]
♪ Ooh la-la ♪
[whispering] No, no, no. No, no, no.
You don't like Grant. You love Jason.
[school bell ringing]
♪ Ooh la-la ♪
Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope.
- Uh, biology is this way. - I'm going to see Jason.
This waiting around is making me crazy.
Wait. Are you cutting class? You never cut class.
Some things are more important. He's only three hours away.
I can get there, bang it out,
get my head straight, be back before dinner.
- Annie, are you talking about-- - Sex!
I'm going to have sex with the man that I love.
Man 2: Girl, go get you some! Woman 3: No glove, no love!
Okay! I'm so excited for you.
Let me get this straight.
You went from Tim's girlfriend to his side piece.
And you're happy with that? Is not that kinda like a demotion?
No, you don't get it. It's casual.
Girl, I invented casual. That's not what you're doing.
What you're doing is pretending it's casual
so you can still fuck the guy you like.
- Oh, my God. - Uh, there you go.
I do still like him.
Our casual, no-strings-attached sex is neither casual
nor without strings!
- There are feelings! - Does Tim know that?
No. No, he does not, but he will.
He's gonna know right now.
- Okay. - Kayla?
- She okay? - Who knows?
Wow. Get this. Annie just left school to go see Jason.
No shit! Good for her.
You know what this means, though?
- What? - Annie wins.
She does. After she does the deed, she's fulfilled her goal.
Kayla is still obsessed with Tim. I'm absolutely nowhere.
And Grant seems to be the only guy in school
who doesn't lust after you.
- It's not over yet. - Oh, come on, Steph.
The MORP is in a week.
Champions are made in the last quarter.
Game just got interesting.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Glad you came. - Um, I need to talk to you.
- Okay. - Why are we in the library?
Nobody ever comes back here.
Dangerous, sexy, huh?
[sighing]
Oh, you hate it. God, I'm sorry.
It was such a stupid idea.
Look, I respect you and I just want you to know
that this is always a safe space.
Alright, pants off, make it quick.
I'm sure that will not be a problem. Oh!
[camera clicking]
Principal Fisher? Oh, sorry.
- I can come back. - No, that's okay.
Well, it's kind of a weird situation.
- See, I made this pact-- - No, no, no, no.
Oop. Sorry. Um...
I made this pact with my friends that I would try and date
somebody who I'm really proud of and who really gets me.
But I feel like in doing so,
I've kind of lost sight of myself.
I mean, I thought that Grant was the guy
that I wanted because he's smart and he's cute
and he's socially conscious.
- Great job on that, by the way. - Thanks.
But I don't even know who I've become.
Like, I'm pretending to be weak
and helpless to manipulate a man?
What would Ruth Bader Ginsburg say?
I mean, I don't need a man to complete me.
I'm a strong, smart, independent woman, right?
Michelle, there is nothing wrong
with wanting to be in a relationship.
Everybody deserves a little romance.
But I do think you're barking up the wrong tree.
I mean, if Grant were the right guy for you,
you wouldn't have to be anything but yourself.
It does, however, make me think of another young man,
a young man who happened to score 15-90 on his SAT,
a young man who volunteers every single weekend.
[chuckles] You're describing my ideal mate.
He is obsessed with presidential history.
Are you shitting me, Principal Fisher?
I shit you not, Michelle. Watch your language.
His name is Oliver Hawthorn,
and you work with him every single day,
and he clearly has an obvious crush on you.
Now get out, I'm very busy.
- Right. Okay. - Yeah.
- Bye-bye. - Thank you.
Oh, well... I mean, what can you expect?
She's been through a lot.
So, um, I hear you're into presidents.
Uh, just Kennedy.
[imitating JFK] "My fellow Americans,
ask not what your country can do for you,
ask what you can do for your country."
It's not a very good impression, but I mean,
I'm-- I'm trying to perfect it.
- I actually have to go. - Okay.
- Right now. - Oh. Bye.
[breathing heavily] Oh, man.
Since we broke up, the sex just keeps getting better, right?
Hey, what's up? You okay?
What are the odds, uh,
this isn't just meaningless sex to you?
What are the odds, um,
that you're actually in love with me,
but you're just afraid of your feelings and, um,
deep in your heart, you wanna stay with me?
That's what I thought.
Um, I can't do this casual thing.
Not with you.
I just want more.
I deserve more.
Bye, Tim.
Hey, Jason, it's me. I can't really talk right now.
And I know you're in class anyway,
but I have a surprise for you.
So call me back when you get this, okay?
I love you. Bye.
♪ Maybe this road leads to wrong ♪
♪ But baby you make me feel at home ♪
♪ Together we're unstoppable it's undeniable ♪
♪ Let's go g-- g-- g-- go
♪ Let's go all the way tonight
♪ Take me all the way tonight
♪ Baby we can make this last nothing's gonna hold us back ♪
♪ Let's take it all the way tonight ♪
♪ Leave it up to fate tonight
♪ So let's go all the way tonight ♪
♪ Let's go all the way
♪ Let's take it all the way tonight ♪
♪ Leave it up to fate tonight
♪ So let's go all the way tonight ♪
♪ Let's go all the way tonight tonight ♪♪
Jason: Thanks, buddy. Oh, I'm gonna pop. I'm gonna pop.
Oh, I'm popping! Ah!
Oh. Um, Annie.
Annie: Are you kidding me?
Um, um, it's not what it looks like.
- It's not? - No. Um, she's my math tutor.
Annie: Was she tutoring you right now?
- I'm sorry. Just calm down. - Oh, my God! Calm down?
You think telling me to calm down is gonna make me calm down?
You're acting a little hysterical.
Am I? Am I a little bit hysterical?
Oh! [groaning] That really hurt bad!
Wait here.
Annie. Annie. Annie, honey. Honey.
- Honey. Sorry. Annie, um... - Whoo! Look out, man!
Talk to you one second?
- What? What do you wanna say? - Please.
I don't know. Long-distance relationships are rough.
- Oh, is that right? - Yeah.
I mean, there's so many hot chicks here.
Oh, you're hot too, obviously. Or course.
It's just, you know, you're not college-hot.
Um, your brain is hot. That's--
Jason, I'm breaking up with you.
I only came here because I felt guilty.
I like someone else.
He kissed me and I liked it.
- And it freaked me out. - Okay.
So I thought if I came here, if I saw you, if we made love,
that my feelings for you would come rushing back.
When I saw you with her,
after the anger, you know what I felt?
I felt relief.
Some dude kissed you?
What?
You're just really not who I wanted you to be.
Wow, that was, that was rough.
Nice towel, douche bag.
[indistinct yelling]
[instrumental music on radio]
- Ahem! - Oh. Oh!
- Annie, have you been crying? - Oh, honey.
Oh. I think I know what this is. Annie, don't worry.
Ellen's not trying to become your new mommy.
Oh, my God.
Honey, that's not why she's upset.
Clearly, she's mortified
'cause she just walked in on us about to have sex.
- Yeah. Yeah. What she said. Kevin: Oh.
Oh, no. This is, this is just a casual thing.
I think the kids call it f-buddies.
On that note, okay. Oh, God. Oh, God.
[knocking on door]
Kevin: Annie? Can I come in.
Okay.
Annie, did, um, did what you see downstairs upset you?
Oh, no, it makes perfect sense.
- Everyone's having sex but me. - Sex?
[chuckles] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it.
I broke up with Jason.
Oh. Oh, honey, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
- I'm not. - Oh. Oh, babe.
You are the most incredible person I know.
So smart. So funny. You are so beautiful.
[chuckles] I don't need a pep talk, dad.
That Jason never deserved you.
And I never liked the guy, so there!
- Hey, really? - No. He was a total bro-bag.
[laughing]
[both sighing]
- I love you, dad. - I love you, too, babe.
[instrumental music]
[school bell ringing]
- Grant. Hey, hey. - Hey.
So I'm having a little gathering at my place tonight,
if you wanna come.
Cool. Have you seen Annie, by chance?
Oh, oh, well, she went to go
visit her boyfriend at college yesterday.
Yeah, they're probably still banging it out.
But back to my thing, so my favorite saxophone player,
Vladimir Ullich, he's amazing...
- Are-- are you being serious? - What?
Vladimir Ullich is, like, my favorite musician of all time.
- Is it really? - Yeah.
What, what are the odds of that happening?
- Not high. - Well, you should stop by then.
It's, like, a listening party. Like, we'll play it all night.
I mean, I'm quirky, so...
- You know what? Cool. - Oh, great.
- Great. Alright. - Great. I'll see you there.
♪ She's drop-dead gorgeous drop-dead ♪
Oh. My bad.
- I'll see you. Okay. Bye. - Okay.
♪ She's drop-dead gorgeous drop-dead ♪♪
Kayla: Freeze! I got eyes on Annie. Quad, stat.
[exhaling] Well, well, well, look who it is.
- Well, well, well, look-- - I already did that.
- Damn it. Stephanie: Annie!
But you disappear, lose your virginity, no call, no text?
Like, you ghosted us.
- Sorry. I've just been dead. - Because of all the sex?
Girl, this is a big-ass moment for you.
[bell ringing]
- Shit! - Okay, we'll talk tonight.
But you all are coming to my party tonight, right?
- Yeah, duh. - Okay. Great.
And since Annie has had sweet Freeform TV sex,
I'll swoop in and seduce the lovely Grant.
- Yes. - What's up?
- Whoo! Whoo! - Yeah!
♪ Mama had sex ♪ She ain't a virgin ♪
♪ The beat go boom boom boom
♪ Boom boom boom
♪ I like the sound it makes boom boom... ♪♪
You do this kind of thing every weekend?
Stiflers' parties are the bedrock on which
East Great Falls was built.
And tonight we're using the party gods
to seduce the new guy.
Wow. You need to sacrifice a virgin or something?
No, don't worry, you're safe.
Okay, so we thought of everything, right?
Grant's favorite music, snacks, drinks?
I-- I mean, I'm even wearing his favorite color.
- You look beautiful. - Thanks.
- He's a lucky guy. - I know.
Oh.
Here you go.
What-- what's this?
Wait, I pay you and you buy me something?
That's fuckin' stupid.
The usual response is "Thank you."
Hm.
It's a lipstick case.
On, uh, on which to make notches.
It's a present, a thoughtful one.
- I also wrapped it. - Yeah.
And you, and you wrapped it.
Kayla: Whoo! - Uh...
Well, my girls are here, so I should, I should go.
- Sure. - Yeah.
Oh, hey, uh, good luck with Grant.
Emmett, thank you for everything.
And my present. I love it.
What up, bitches?
- Welcome to Bang-Grant-Palooza! - Ow.
- Hi, boo-boo, how are you? - Mm.
Hey, you know, being a good winner
is just as important as being a good loser.
- Steph. - Oh, you're throwing shade?
- Way to read a room. - Ah, thank you.
Guys, when did this turn into a competition?
This was never supposed to be about us competing for a boy.
Yeah, this was supposed to make me feel better.
I don't feel better.
Now you're gonna smash Grant, when he really likes Annie.
- What? - Uh, yeah.
When I was in his room, he told her he liked her.
- And then he kissed her. - Okay, well...
You made it sound like it was the other way around.
I can be a little extra sometimes.
Yeah, no shit!
Grant: Hey, Emmett! - What's up, man?
Michelle: I mean, he's cute,
but he's not worth this.
- I'm out, guys. Emmett: Ladies, hey.
- Look who I found. Grant: Hey.
Oh, uh, what do you think of Annie?
She's great.
I mean, she's cool, smart, kind, funny, awkward,
but in a really entertaining way.
- Is she here? - Oh. No, no, no.
But she, she will be. Right?
Uh, can you guys just, like, talk for a sec?
I'm on it. I'm on it.
[both screaming]
Oh, my God!
- You are tightly wound. Wow. - Oh, my God.
[laughing] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
Your father and I just worked up a real appetite tonight,
so I'm having a little ice cream.
- You want some? - Um, sorry.
Um, yeah, you know what, I'll-- I'll have some ice cream.
- Great. - She's not answering.
Well, go get her and drag her ass here. Okay?
Okay. Come with me.
- Ready for some sexy saxophone? - She's back.
- Let's go. - Hey!
[sighing] I need to talk to you.
Tim, I cannot do this right now.
- We have to go get-- - Kayla, please.
It's cool. I got this. Good luck.
I thought there was a party tonight.
- Not in the mood. - Hm.
Can I talk to you about something?
Should I be afraid of what you're about to say?
I can never tell. I just let it fly.
Here's the thing, I've noticed that you've been upset
and my son has also been upset.
And I wonder if you're both upset about the same thing.
[car door opens]
♪ Come on and show me you fuck me ♪
[engine revving]
AI: What can I help you with? - Call Annie.
AI: Here's what I found on the web for Fannie.
- No, call Annie! AI: Calling Manny's Pizza.
- Oh. No! Annie! - Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[screaming]
- Ah... - Huh!
Gonna feel that tomorrow.
Man on phone: Hello. Manny's Pizza.
- Oh, my God! - Hello!
Oliver? Oh, my God!
- Please be okay. - Hi.
What are you doing in front of my car?
I'm trying to stop you from leaving.
I mean, you're the only reason I came.
Oh, my God, that's actually really sweet.
Um, I-- I have to go get my friend--
D-- do you mind if I come with? I mean...
You did just run me over with your car.
Uh, okay, cool.
Yeah, come on, come on. Oh-- oh, shit.
I don't like the way you left the other day.
Tough shit! Okay, I've got feelings and emotions.
I'm a little jealous and a bit of a handful.
But if you can't take me
at my making-a-scene-at-a-party-ness,
then you don't deserve me
at my fucking-you-in-the-library-ness.
You're right.
Everything you said.
Truth is, I don't want you violating my trust.
But I do want you.
- You're my lobster. - Holy shit.
- That's right. Yeah. - "You're my lobster!"
I didn't think you were gonna say that.
Oh, yeah, Kayla!
[cheering]
High school is the worst.
laughing] It is.
And you think that it's never gonna end, but it does.
And when it does, time starts to move a lot faster.
So when you know what you want, you should go after it
because you might not get another chance.
[chuckling]
[doorbell ringing]
Annie, get dressed. Grant is looking--
[gasping] Principal Fisher's here!
- In a bathrobe. - Hi.
Michelle, Oliver, is everything okay?
Oh, yeah, I just didn't wanna leave him in the car.
I have got a knee issue, but it's not as important as love.
[chuckling] Um, Annie,
Grant's at the party and he's looking for you.
The whole pact is off. We all know that he likes you.
- He does? - Yeah, Annie, he does.
This is an incredible moment and everything,
but Oliver is actually much heavier than he looks.
I'm wiry, but muscular.
- It's a family trait. - Yeah.
Uh, sorry, uh, um, go wait in the car.
I guess I'll change and be right out.
I am so excited for you for tonight.
Now don't you be afraid to go after Grant
just because of me and your father.
We're not gonna make you guys step-siblings.
We both know this thing has a shelf life.
Besides, he took his last Viagra this morning.
I'm gonna go pretend I didn't hear that and I'll be right out.
- So... - Okay.
Oh! This is, is so good and this is...
Wow, but, um, you know, uh, uh,
we have to actually deal with some party stuff. Right?
Yeah, and so if you just wanna stay there
and just really soak it all in...
Let's just go, okay? Let's ju...
Okay.
Okay, we keep Grant occupied with his old-man music
until Annie gets here and then, boom, big romantic moment.
- Got it? Great. - Hey, wait, wait.
I-- I thought you liked Grant. So, uh...
Yeah, I just kind of liked the idea of him.
Look, Annie's my best friend, and if she wants him,
she gets him.
So maybe dating a nice guy
just isn't in the cards for Stephanie Stifler.
Look, a queen bee walking around like she owns the place.
Oh, burn. Except, I do own the place, you fucking idiot.
Is this your stud for the night, Stifler?
I didn't think your standards could fall any lower.
Well, I haven't slept with you yet, so I got that going for me.
Yeah, whatever you wanna tell people.
[boys laughing]
McCormick, are you telling people we hooked up?
Oh, I never said I don't kiss and tell.
- Fuck you. - No-- no. Hey.
- You're being rude. - Emmett, don't.
No-- no-- no, it's okay.
You have five seconds to apologize, or I unleash hell.
- Five! - Emmett!
Wow. Uh, he, uh, hit me with his face.
Grant: What the hell? Stephanie: Grant.
Can you just watch him for a sec? Thanks.
Hey, asshole!
I don't like bullies, and I don't like
misogynistic douche bags drinking my liquor
and disrespecting me in my own house.
- I don't like you, McCormick! - Yes, bitch!
You know who I do like?
Ow.
Hey.
[all cheering]
Emmett: You kissed me. - You stood up for me.
I mean, you were my wingman even though you liked me
more than a wingman.
And you bought me a present.
I think I just won.
[instrumental music]
You Grant?
Do I know you?
[car door opens]
[instrumental music]
Oh, no.
What is he doing here?
Yeah, man, so there you have it.
Now you kinda know the people you're dealing with.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, uh, I just thought your new boyfriend should know the truth.
Annie, did you and your friends make a bet about me?
It wasn't a bet. It was a pact.
Oh, bullshit, okay, all of these little bitches competed to see
who could have sex with you first.
Annie texted me about it every night.
- It's not what it sounds like. - Really?
We made a pact to go after what each of us were missing,
and without knowing it, we all kind of decided it was you.
And what was your thing, your pact?
For my first time, to be with the man I love.
So that's why you went to see him.
Yeah, she's only talking to you because she caught me
with another girl. You're just the fallback guy.
But, lucky for you, I'm not into high-school drama.
So, you want her, you can have her.
- You know what? - Whoa.
Annie's not yours to give.
And you say one more disparaging word about her,
this high-school kid is gonna kick your ass.
Just speaking my truth, bro.
If she liked you as much as you thought she did,
would she be driving three hours to have sex with me?
No. You're just a piece of meat.
Whoa! Hello! My uncle's an attorney.
- Shut up. - He almost hit me.
No. Back. Break it up.
I hope you guys are really happy.
- We get that you're pissed. - No, don't.
You paid Emmett to get dirt on me.
- Whoa. Uh-- - Don't.
You know, every person I liked in this town lied to me.
And the person I liked the most chose this guy.
- Grant. - Enjoy the party.
No. Please don't leave. Grant.
[instrumental music]
Kayla: Why didn't you just tell us what happened with Jason?
- Yeah. - I didn't know how to.
You guys were all so interested in Grant
and I didn't wanna mess it up for you.
Oh, my God. You should've just told us.
Yeah, that's all we would've needed, Annie.
- Yeah. - I mean, you know...
This is my fault for pushing the pact.
- No. - No.
No, Steph. The pact worked.
I mean, you found Emmett, who's a nice guy.
- He is. - Mm-hmm.
- Mm... - Mm-hmm.
And Kayla got Tim to compromise.
Oh, my God. You're right.
And, Michelle, are you as attracted to Oliver's mind
as you are to his body?
Oh, he turns me on in ways
that I can't even describe.
See? It worked.
Yeah, for everyone but you.
No, it worked for me, too.
I went to Michigan State with this image in my head
and it all fell apart because he was the wrong guy.
And that's big. So I'm glad we did it.
I mean, even if, you know, I don't end up with Grant, uh,
I'm better than I was.
- Come here. - Aww.
Little Virgin Annie.
- With the unshuckable oyster. - Shut up.
- I want in. - Unshuckable oyster.
- Get in here, Stifler. - Yeah, come on.
♪ Say what what? Check on the jump ♪
[screams]
♪ Say hey hey no time to wait ♪
[screaming]
♪ Say hey hey do what it takes ♪
♪ Make latte and shake
♪ Get up and go
♪ Go go go go
♪ Get up and go
♪ Go go go
♪ Get up and go
♪ Go go go ♪
[indistinct chatter]
- Light the fuse. - Copy that.
Mama Bear, Papa Bear, Operation Oyster is a go.
[upbeat music]
[music on stereo]
This guy.
Hey.
Annie's dad's outside with a limo.
- And what is that? - It's a onesie, you moron.
- For the pajama party. - Why do you have it?
Honey, you know that I love you
and I'm always gonna tell you the truth.
- Right? - I know.
So the truth is, it's time for you to stop moping
because, baby, you're a real downer.
Listen, happiness doesn't just find us.
You gotta go and you gotta grab it.
Take this.
- Take this. - Okay.
- I love you. - What do I--
You'll figure it out. Or not.
I don't know. I've done everything I can do.
Okay, this is your moment, Grant, and you're blowing it.
But luckily, Annie has some pretty awesome friends...
- Thank you. - Oh, you're welcome.
Who are trying to save you from
this terrible mistake, and
plus we think you're pretty great too.
And we sent you a really cool onesie, so...
Just shut up! Game time, Grant.
If you really like Annie, put on that onesie
and get in that fuckin' limo.
- See you soon! - If you don't do it...
[indistinct yelling]
[music continues]
Man 3: Hey, asshole! Turn off the music!
♪ This day feels like nothing but the bad... ♪
♪ This could be the good night doesn't get any better ♪♪
- Oh, hi, darlin'! - Hi.
- Are you okay? - Not really.
I just realized you were right. I've made sex too big a thing.
I tried to turn it into some... It's for fairy tales.
- Stupid. - No.
No, honestly, I think you were right about
wanting it to be special.
Look, I never had someone who gets me and cares for me,
you know, and...
But Emmett makes me feel like that for the first time.
Stop, stop it. I mean, it's nice.
And I think tonight we might, you know. Do...
- Steph. That's great. - Great? Doubtful.
[laughing]
Special, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. I'm happy for you. - Thanks, babe.
Stephanie: Oh, shit.
- Are you ready? - Uh, ready for what?
Oh, you just wait, my darling.
You scare me. What is... Where are you...
Stephanie: Just stay right there.
♪ We're young and in love
♪ And we're running like the wind we got it all ♪
♪ We're never alone
What?
♪ We can save the world
♪ Explosions in the sky
♪ I see colors fly
♪ Old enough old enough old enough to know ♪
♪ That we are young in love young in love ♪
♪ Young and in love
♪ You and me we could see
♪ Time will stand still if we stay young in love ♪
♪ Young in love young and in love ♪
♪ Yeah we are young in love yeah we are young in love ♪
♪ Yeah we are young in love
You made it.
You have some really great friends.
Seems like we both do.
♪ Old enough old enough old enough to know ♪
♪ That we are young in love young in love ♪
♪ Young and in love
♪ You and me we could see
♪ Time will stand still if we stay young in love ♪
♪ Young in love...
I guess that's my cue.
♪ Yeah we are young in love yeah we are young in love ♪
♪ Yeah we are young in love yeah we are young in love ♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Annie and Grant.
[all cheering]
♪ Well she was an American girl ♪
♪ Raised on promises
♪ She couldn't help thinkin' that there ♪
♪ Was a little more to life somewhere else ♪
♪ After all it was a great big world ♪
♪ With lots of places to run to ♪
♪ Yeah and if she had to die tryin' ♪
♪ She had one little promise she was gonna keep ♪
♪ Oh yeah alright
♪ Take it easy baby make it last all night ♪
♪ She was
♪ An American girl
♪ Oh yeah alright
♪ Take it easy baby make it last all night ♪
♪ She was an American girl ♪
[all cheering]
- What did you do? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, God.
[laughing]
- Okay. Okay, okay. - Hey.
Hey. So I, I guess they have one more surprise for us.
Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
What's happening right now?
♪ I'm fallin' too deep
♪ Tryin' to swim you're comin' too steep ♪
♪ And it's pullin' me in I can't breathe ♪
♪ Your hands are on my heart my heart ♪
♪ I can still feel the heat on your skin ♪
♪ My lips are beggin' to pull you in ♪
♪ I can't breathe
♪ Your hands are on my heart my heart ♪
Grant: What?
♪ For you there is no cure I know... ♪
- What are we, like... - Oh.
I made a pact, so I gotta stick to it.
You want your first time to be with me?
Yeah. And the next few, I think.
♪ Your hands are on my heart my heart I... ♪♪
Hey. This feels special to me.
Me, too, Annie.
Oliver, I wanna share something with you,
something that I've never shared with anyone else.
Oh. You want me to use that on you?
On me?
And I want you right here, right now.
- On Principal Fisher's desk? - Yes, on her desk!
- Okay. - Get up there!
And I know you know what I want.
You mean, "A man may die,
nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on!"
Yes!
♪ And we dared to go
♪ A lover's bane forever will remain ♪
Oh. Amazing.
Shit. Oh. Wow. Shit!
[moans]
Thanks. Learned that at band camp.
Yeah, I don't need to know that. Kiss me, now. Okay?
- Yeah. - Now. Now.
[moaning]
Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I need to tell you something.
- What? - I, I've never done it.
Me neither.
I mean, I've never had it with someone special, you know?
[breathing heavily]
Oh, yes!
- Yeah? - Oh.
Kayla: Oh. You like this? Tim: Yeah.
- This is hot. Dangerous. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
A little unsanitary, but, yeah, I like it here.
I like you. I love you.
You are my queen! Oh!
I am your queen!
[Kayla cheers]
♪ Stars are falling are we falling too? ♪
♪ Ahoo dawn is coming
♪ What's this coming to?
♪ On a night like this
ahoo ♪
- There's something else. - What?
Oh. Oh, no, don't worry if...
Look, whatever's going down down there, we'll make it work.
- Okay? - Yeah?
- Promise. Okay. - Okay.
♪ We'll never be the same
Wow! Is your dad a giant?
- Like, will it fit? - Here's to hoping.
Oh, you're my president. You'll always be my president.
♪ Ahoo
♪ Stars are falling are we falling too? ♪
♪ On a night like this
[vocalizing]
♪ Yeah ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ Don't feel the need to speak I know I own the street ♪
♪ I got the rhythm...
♪ All good with what I got I'm walking on the spot ♪
♪ Gotta communicate can't explain how I do it but ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm saucin' I let my walk do the talking ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm bossin' I let my walk do the talking yeah ♪
♪ I let my walk do the talking
♪ Yeah I let my walk do the talking ♪
♪ I like it simplified I'm stepping left and right ♪
♪ Nothing is lost in transition when I go side to side ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm saucin' I let my walk do the talking ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm bossin' I let my walk do the talking yeah ♪
♪ I let my walk do the talking
♪ Yeah I let my walk do the talking ♪
♪ Yeah
♪ I let my walk do the talking yeah ♪
♪ I let my walk do the talking
♪ Let my walk do the talking
♪ I like it simplified I'm stepping left and right ♪
♪ Nothing is lost in transition when I go side to side ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm saucin' I let my walk do the talking ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm bossin' I let my walk do the talking yeah ♪
♪ I let my walk do the talking yeah ♪
♪ I let my walk do the talking
♪ Let my walk do the talking
♪ I like it simplified I'm stepping left and right ♪
♪ Nothing is lost in transition when I go side to side ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm saucin' I let my walk do the talking ♪
♪ Shh! Can you hear me now? I got attitude ♪
♪ And I'll spell it out yeah I'm on the move ♪
♪ And I'm bossin' I let my walk do the talking yeah ♪
♪ Let my ♪ I let my walk do the talking
♪ Yeah
♪ I let my walk do the talking
♪ Yeah
♪ I let my walk do the talking yeah ♪
♪ I let my walk do the talking ♪♪
[applauding]
Say you want this on your permanent record.
[muffled] I want this on my permanent record.
Yeah, you do.
What's going on? Oh, hey, Janitor Steve.
We'll just be a minute.
[muffled] Hi, Janitor Steve.
I'm gonna need a bigger mop.
Kevin: Oh... Ellen: Don't touch me!