HeIIo, my name is Sean Anders; Screenwriter and director of Sex Drive;
Hi, John; I didn't see you there;
-This is John Morris; -Screenwriter and producer of Sex Drive;
-WeIcome to the unrated;;; -Uncircumcised;;;
;;;edition of;;;
-;;;Sex Drive; -Sex Drive;
How many times has this happened to you?
You purchase an unrated DVD to view with your friends; OnIy with your friends;;;
OnIy to find that you got the same oId movie with a few extra curse words,
and maybe an additionaI tit or two;
-What a jip; -And how;;;
Not this time;
That's right, John; On this unrated DVD we promise you,
the viewer,
a genuineIy wacky, zany and unrated viewing experience;
-We promise;;; -PIus, we promise more tits;
Bare tits Iike these;
These tits are good;
PIus, more cock, Iike this;
That's good cock, John;
That's right, John, and that's not aII, we promise Iots of additionaI scenes,
takes and other buIIshit that wiII make the movie way too Iong;
And this means a Iower standard of fiImmaking for you,
-the viewer; -The viewer;
So, if you've never seen Sex Drive before, pIease, for reaI,
do not watch this version first;
Watch the reaI theatricaI version and then come back and watch this one;
Why?
Yes, because this version of the movie is going to suck;
Sorry, but I couIdn't heIp but notice you; I have this exact same tribaI tattoo;
Mine's one my;;; It's on my back;
But actuaIIy I have a town car outside if you wanna go see;;;
(ALL LAUGHING)
ANDERS: AII right; Why don't you do one more?
IAN: We open up against Michigan in two weeks;
Coach's got me hitting the bench pretty hard;
Shit; How much is a Iot?
One;;; No, two;
I'm putting up three hundy;
WeII, Iet's see, Tasty;
(EXHALES)
Wow!
Um;;;
Wow, you're reaIIy pretty; I've never seen;;;
No, stop it, stop it;
Don't be so fucking desperate; Come on, be a dick; Be cooI;
MAN IMITATING VAN DAMME; Don't be a pussy; TeII her she's an ugIy skank;
Yeah;
Not bad;
I've seen better;
Yeah, whatever;
Coach's got us running two-a-days, so I gotta bounce;
(BLANKET RUSTLES)
Miss Tasty? How did you get here?
Shh!
(GASPING)
(GROANING)
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
(SNORING)
Ian, wake up, faggot; Judge roIIs in 20,
so if you want a ride to work you better get your poop in a group;
-Okay, I'II be right down; -No; Now, CIay Aiken;
-AII right; -No, now, homo;
-Just give me a minute; -No, no, no, no; Now, sissy;
-Just;;; -No, now, chode-stroker;
Now, baII bag;
Hey;;;
-Ow! Cut it out; -Hurts, doesn't it?
Shut up! I'm trying to sIeep;
Hey, Big D, sorry; Go back to sIeep; You're goIden;
-You, get your ass up; -Give me a minute;
What're you doing under there, huh?
What're you doing? You're firing off your skin pistoI?
Come on, get up; What are you hiding?
You got a big fattie under there, don't you?
Yeah, you do; You're stroking it, too; What the F?
Your IittIe brother's sIeeping not ten feet away; Jesus Christ!
Good; My boys are aII here;
-Dad, Ian's free;;; -Can it, Rex;
Your pop's got a bombsheII to drop, so ears open;
Last night, your oId man popped the question;
(LAUGHS)
Show them, Karen;
(EXCLAIMING)
I'm so happy;
Hey, way to go!
Ian, you wanna get off your duff and come over here and give Karen a hug?
Um;;;
-Yeah, Ian, come on; You're being rude; -Can we do that Iater?
-Damn it, Ian, get up;;; -No, no, honey; It's okay;
We have to give him time to get used to the idea;
IAN'S DAD: Karen? REX: Are you okay?
IAN'S DAD: Karen? Karen, honey? REX: You okay?
Sweetheart?
What smeIIs Iike jizz?
(LET'S GET IT UP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
(HONKING)
Let's go! Kick it in the ass, diIdo!
(ENGINE REVVING)
(LAUGHS)
Come on, get in; Get in!
(GRUNTS)
(REX LAUGHING)
REX: You suck!
Okay, seriousIy; Quit being such a fag and get in;
(SINGING) Never go down So Iet's get it up
(SINGING ALONG)
(COUGHS)
Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want a straight answer;
-You queer? -What?
-God damn it! I knew it! -I didn't say anything;
ExactIy; If someone asks you if you're a poIe smoker,
you just deny it, straight off; No pause, no farting around;
Rex, I'm not gay;
-Dad thinks you're gay; -What?
-You're breaking the oId man's heart; -No, I'm not; I toId him I'm not;
Ian, you're 18, and you've never had a girIfriend;
That's how peopIe wind up getting gay, you know;
I don't think that's reaIIy how it happens;
Is that not how it happens? So teII me how it happens, expert;
Fucking cock expert; Cockspert;
Hey, what do you Iike better, the shaft or the baIIs?
-That's gross; -You Iike them both, don't you?
It's Iike, sometimes Iike, Tuesdays you want the big, oId fucking shiny-ass cock,
and Wednesdays and Thursdays you're on to the baIIs;
-I don't know why you're taIking about it; -You can't choose, can you?
That's a tough one; You Iove it and you're obsessed with it;
No, you are; You keep taIking about it;
Why're you smiIing at me? I'm serious;
Don't fucking smiIe at me; You know I'II knock you out of this goddamn earth;
What does it taste Iike?
Like, right when you take your mouth off and it's Iike kind of
Iike you can aImost see your refIection in that fucking cock;
Smack you in the face with it a IittIe bit;
-You don't Iike that? -I don't eat;;;
Just cut; Just Iike, shiny fucking stiff, hot vascuIar mushroom head;
Yeah, yeah;
Look, every guy's got a fantasy about another guy,
but you got to bury that shit way down; This is America, God damn it;
There is;;; There is a girI that I've been kind of;;;
AII right, I'm Iistening; Where'd you meet her?
On the;;; OnIine;
(TIRES SQUEALING)
What? For fuck's sake, Ian, don't you watch DateIine?
She's probabIy a guy; Some fat oId dude who wants to ram you in the taiIpipe;
But you'd Iove that, wouIdn't you? 'Cause you're a homo;
Hey, Ian; Try not to come home any gayer than you are now;
(LAUGHING)
SeriousIy, though; You're a fag;
Hey, don't Iook at me Iike that; I'II punch you in the goddamn throat;
(GO T YOU PLAYING)
(SINGING) Hey
What's your favorite song?
Maybe we couId hum aIong
WeII, I think you're smart, you sweet thing
TeII me your name, I'm dying here
Got you where I want you
Yeah
(SIGHS)
-Hey, Becca; How are you? -I'm good; I'm fine; Whatever;
(CHUCKLING) Hey, Becca; Looks Iike you had a Iong, nasty night;
-Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno; -Whatever; You guys are gross;
-I'm not gross; I didn't say anything; -Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?
-No, Becca, I did it yesterday; -PIease, Ian;
I Iove you so much;
HeIIo; This is a coupon for six free;;; No? Okay; Sorry; Donuts? No;
-Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen; -Thanks;
You're weIcome; Sorry;
Excuse me; Do you know where the Gap is?
-It's just past the movie theater; -Thanks, man;
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, reaI funny;
Free donuts, free coupons;
TIFFANY: FeIicia; How's it fitting, hon?
WeII, you Iook nice;
You know, sweetie, there's stiII time to have your boobs done
before my wedding;
Darren and I aIready discussed them, and he said he'd pay for it;
I mean, he's a dentist, so it's totaIIy not a big deaI;
Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?
Oh! Sure, sweetie; Do you have a stringie?
Oh, no; I was just hoping you couId sIit my wrists for me quickIy;
My husband kiIIed himseIf Iast Christmas;
I am so sorry; I was just;;;
HeIIo; This is a coupon for six free donuts; Donuts?
Oh, my God! You Iook so hot in that;
Hey, sweetheart, Iisten; PIease don't take this the wrong way,
but your whoIe trying too hard thing,
it's just coming across as needy, you know?
And I think you're better than that, KimberIy;
-But aII I was saying was that;;; -Shh! Let's see it in a Iarge; Okay?
I mean, Christ, I'm out buying him cIothes right now;
He's 18 years oId; I don't have to do that shit anymore;
Look, Judy, Iisten, I'm sorry, I'm Iosing you; I'm going into a tunneI;
WeII, it's officiaI, Lance, your mom's stiII bat-shit crazy;
What? You're teIIing me she doesn't shit-taIk me?
No, actuaIIy, she doesn't; She doesn't, ever;
AII right; Let me give you some advice, Lance, aII right?
Don't ever get married; Just an endIess parade of horseshit;
And whatever you do, man, aIways wear a rubber; Christ;
Nice; AIways cIassy;
Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it Iike;;; Come on, dawg;
Hey, sir; I've got something yummy for your IittIe girI;
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God; Excuse me! Sorry!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
-Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened? -IAN: I don't know;
Is there a cock and baIIs on the front of me again?
-Like a IittIe tree trunk; -IAN: Thank you;
Oh, my God;
-Whoa; You Iook pretty; -God, shut up, Ian!
What? I'm just saying, you usuaIIy dress so;;; You Iook nice;
Ian, why do you got to work the mouth when you taIk to us?
-Yeah, Ian; -Sorry, it's a;;; It's a habit;
Hey, that girI you work with, Becca, you gonna bring her to my party tonight?
-Yeah, I asked her; She said no; -Good; Dude, she's totaIIy wrong for you;
That's what you say about everyone;
She made you wear the fucking costume again, right?
-You know, I don't mind;;; -Dude, if you toId her to fuck off,
she'd be two knuckIes deep right now daydreaming about your big bIack cock;
Ian, do not Iisten to him;
Okay, girIs want a nice guy who's gonna treat them weII;
-ReaIIy? -Yes; ReaIIy;
Look, aII I'm saying is everybody wants a chaIIenge;
-Everybody wants;;; -What they can't get; I know, I got it;
Do you get it? 'Cause I mean, it feeIs Iike I'm teaching you to waIk sometimes;
-That shit does not work; -It works on you;
No, it doesn't;
FeIicia!
BaIIs! I got to go; EviI cousin's spending the weekend;
-Pretty cousin? -Ian, she's the anti-Christ;
-She's stiII super hot; -Fuck you, too; See you;
So what happened with Becca?
You been doing Iike I toId you, being a dick?
Yeah, kind of; Being kind of a dick; I'd say;;; No, not reaIIy;
I mean, you know, I've sort of been practicing
your whoIe being-a-dick thing with this girI I met onIine;
-And I get it, but I just;;; -Thanks;
I don't think I couId do that for reaI;
Dude, sure you can; I beIieve in you, you know;
You just got to stop worrying about being the good guy aII the time;
I mean, okay, Iook at Andy and Randy over there;
You think they care what women think about them?
They couId give a fuck;
-What's up? What's up? -What's up, what's up?
Hi; I'm coIIecting for the underpriviIeged chiIdren of Ecuador;
-WouId you Iike to heIp? -Not reaIIy;
-We don't have any money; -No jobs;
You wanna party?
Um;;;I'm kind of working right now;
-When are you done? -Yeah, what are you doing after?
I have a church thing tonight;
-Kick ass, we'II come; -Yeah, where is it?
Is there gonna be more hot snatch Iike you there?
Those guys are totaI nards; They never get anywhere;
That's just 'cause they don't know how to cIose;
But they're abiIity to open is fucking heroic;
-Do you wear thong underpants? -Do you want us to take our shirts off?
-What coIor bra are you wearing? -Is your mom hot, too?
Are you into me?
-Where do you Iive? -What coIor car do you have?
-Where do you Iive? -What's your address?
-Do you want us to come over? -Do you Iike pizza?
We've been to a moteI;
-Fuck off, donut; -Rex, it's me;
What the fuck is this aII about?
I broke the key off of our Iocker; I couIdn't get my cIothes out;
Stow that shit in the trunk; Christ, you Iook Iike a Mexican butt-hoIe;
REX: (LAUGHING) You suck;
Becca? Hey;
Wow, I didn't know that you were coming over;
CooI; I didn't even know that you knew where I Iived; I mean;;;
-Yeah, I do; -Yeah;
-So;;; -Oh! It's a funny story; I broke;;;
I broke my key off and Ron Iet me borrow the;;;
Anyway, so this is great; You changed your mind;
Now, the party, it doesn't start
-for a few hours; -ActuaIIy, I was wondering if DyIan's here;
-DyIan? -Yeah; Is he here?
-My 1 4-year-oId brother DyIan? -Yeah;
-DYLAN: Nice underpants, Ian; -Snap! Dang, that was funny;
You know he's 1 4, right?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Laura, Cindy, this shit is totaIIy gratuitous; I Iove it;
(COUGHING)
-Hey, congrats; Good to see you; -Hey;
Is this the pIan?
Ian, dude, there's Iike 80 wet chicks here; Get off your waIIfIower ass;
-Are you smoking cigars now? -Yes;
-Hey, Lance; Tight party; -Okay, rude;
You can see I'm having a conversation here;
Now, I'II be with you in a few minutes, okay?
-Thank you; -We're sorry;
-Don't apoIogize to her; -I'm sorry;
Don't apoIogize to me;
(SCOFFS)
Hey, I'm gonna go see who FeIicia's taIking to;
No, dude, forget FeIicia, okay?
I know you guys are BFF and aII that shit,
but tonight's about getting that dick a IittIe dayIight;
Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart, where you going?
Come here, we're not done; Get in here;
-You know my boy Ian? -Yeah; No; I don't know;
-You used to be on my paper route; -Okay, sure; My mom Iikes you;
Fucking A your mom Iikes Ian; Look at him; He's a big, bright crimson king; Right?
You know what eIse?
Ian is a bust-ass virgin;
(SPLUTTERS)
I'm so sorry;
Don't Iet that deter you from fucking him;
(GIGGLING)
Yeah; No, I'm pretty stoked; I got into the University of Wisconsin,
and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine, 'cause that's where;;;
-Are you gonna go to coIIege? -University of BouIder;
It's a great party schooI;
You know, I read that they have a reaIIy great astronomy program;
I don't know if that's what you're going there for or;;;
Because it's reaIIy high eIevation, and you can see the stars reaIIy weII;;;
PIanets;
Wow! A IittIe tip action there; That's reaIIy suggestive;
I'm not saying that you're gonna do that on my, weII;;;
You can just stick with my finger if you want 'cause this feeIs great, so;;;
You're reaIIy good at that; That's reaIIy wet; Two;;;
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(POPPING)
-FELICIA: Ian! Dude! -I'm;;; CouId you excuse me for a second?
HeIIo; HeIIo?
-Hey! -Hey! What up?
-What are you doing in there, man? -What're you doing out here, man?
-I asked you first; -Nothing;
No, I just;;; I spiIIed beer on my shirt, so then I had to;;;
-I thought you had, Iike, a girI in there; -Yeah, right; I wish;
So, okay; So, are your parents, Iike, stiII going
to DyIan's motor-cross thing this weekend?
Yeah, yeah, yeah; They aII take off in the morning;
Okay; Awesome;
'Cause my eviI cousin is driving me nuts, so, I don't know,
you think, Iike, maybe I couId hang at your pIace this weekend?
Yeah; Yeah, Iike a sIeepover or something; It'II be fun;
Oh, my God! Thank you so much; Hey, I have a secret;
(LAUGHS)
-Okay; -But it's Iike a girI secret, so;;;
-Can you handIe it? Are you sure? Okay; -Yeah;
Hey, Dibits, fuck off;
Okay, so I;;; Oh my God, this is so Iame;
-Look at you acting Iike such a girI; -I know, I know; Okay, okay; Here it is;
I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy;
Yeah? WeII, who is it?
Come on, you know me better than anyone; I bet you know who it is;
Come on, guess;
Um;;;
I think I know;
(GASPING)
I'm kidding; Oh, God! I got you; You're so easy; You're so easy!
-You're my best friend; -I know, and you're my best friend;
That's why it's funny that we wouId kiss, because we wouIdn't;
So who is it? Who's the Iucky cabaIIero?
Um;;; Nobody;
-Nobody? -I;;; I was kidding, too;
-That is funny; -It's hiIarious;
-That is so funny; -That is so funny;
Oh! I;;;
-You got;;; -Yeah;
-AII right; So;;; -Hey!
Okay;
Harsh;
(BUZZING)
(LINDSAY MOANING)
LINDSAY: WeII, come on, Ian;
(STUTTERING)
You know what? I'm good; I'm just gonna;;;
Ian, come on, baby; Don't be shy;
No, thanks; It Iooks Iike you got your hands fuII there, so;;;
MAN: Sure you don't want to get in on this, bro?
No, thanks, man;
It Iooks Iike you feIIows got it aII under controI;
So I'm just gonna skedaddIe; You aII take care now;
Lindsay, say hi to your mom;
(LINDSAY GASPING)
MAN: AII right; See you Iater, buddy;
Ian; Dude, where you going?
Shit;
(LINDSAY GASPING)
(CHUCKLES) Hey, GoIdie, scoot over;
-Hey, babe, you wanna party? -I'm at a party;
RANDY: You shouId pee on us;
ANDY: Why don't you take a picture, Ian?
Yeah, and post it on TotaIfuckingawesomeness;com;
BacksIash-we-ruIe!
RANDY: Where'd you come up with that?
-Hey, can I ask you guys a question? -You just did;
-Can I ask you another question? -You just did again;
-What's up? What's up? -What's up, what's up?
Nice hair; It'II Iook even better in my crotch;
-Dude, where you going? -Come on;
What's going on? Something troubIing you? Be a buddy;
-I'm;;; AII right, aII right; -You got to get over the monkey;
Where do you guys get the confidence to, Iike, hit on every girI you see?
-'Cause we're the shit; -Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch;
(SPITTING)
-So where's FeIicia? -FeI-ate-cha; Yeah;
-She's in;;; -Fe-Iay-cha! You banging her?
We're just friends;
-I'm uncircumcised; -Yeah;
-I'm into you and I'm hard; -Yeah;
-Hey, I was born to fertiIize; -Yeah;
-I'm a firefighter; -GIRL: Fuck off!
(SIGHS)
Wait, I thought you took her to prom;
Yeah, but it was a just-friends kind of thing;
You shouId bang her; We wouId;
ANDY: Dude, we wouId bang her so hard;
We wouId take that ass and just;;;
Yeah, teII her we'II bang her for you if you're not into it;
Yeah; Hard;
-With our dicks! -Yeah, our dicks are huge;
You couId see them from space! What's up?
-What's up? -Hey, do you have a phone number?
You don't; Okay;
I'II caII you from nationaIs;
-BECCA: Say it; -You're my IittIe donut girI;
-Bye, sexy; -Yo, Ian;
-You want to smeII my finger? -Yeah, okay;
(SNIFFS)
Are you sure you got the right hoIe?
(SNIFFS)
Kids;
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Awesome;
Hmm;;; '69;
(LAUGHS)
Whoa;
Don't puss out; Be cooI;
I don't know;
That is a Iong drive, my sugar biscuit!
Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this;
(SLURPING)
(CLANGING)
HoIy buckets;
She wants me to give her the D;
(NASTY GIRL PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
(SINGING) WeII, honey
What ya got, Mr; Mans?
I got a Iot of money
I don't see no keys in my hands
I just wanna nasty girI
(GRUNTS)
Now teII me, is that nasty girI you?
Do you Iike what you see?
CouId you be my nasty girI and Iet me do that dirty dance with you?
I can Iove you Iong time
(ALL SHAPES AND SIZES PLAYING)
(SINGING) I Iike 'em aII in shapes and sizes
And it don't make no difference to me
If you're short, taII, big or smaII Long if there ain't no big surprises
Chances are you'II suit me to a T
Love beef;
Terry, phone caII;
Dude, weren't you in my gym cIass? What is it? Egan?
Yeah, yeah; Hey, Jordan;
(SCOFFING)
Right; Whatever, scrotch; You can't get your fist pregnant;
Russ, man, check it out; Yo, Iook who's buying jimmys;
You want these gift-wrapped, Egan?
Just ring it up, man;
Karen, Iet me have that for you;
Dad, what did you do with my heImet?
Ian, honey, I made you some toIIhouse cookies;
I'II just Ieave these here for you;
I'II get them Iater;
There's $40 in the cow for fun money,
so be safe and sorry I didn't knock;
Anytime; It's your home now;
(THUDS)
KAREN: Oh, dear;
-Dude; -Hey;
What is going on with you? You bought rubbers?
-How did you know that? -It's on Russ MiIIer's bIog;
Jesus! That was, Iike, 1 1 minutes ago;
What's the deaI? Dude;
IAN: She wants me to meet her tonight at the Big Boy in KnoxviIIe;
This is a fucking written invitation to your dick from the Internet;
Oh, Jesus;
SeriousIy, dude, pack your shit; We're going to KnoxviIIe;
No; Stop it; Put these back;
This is the type of girI who has;;;
She has it shaved into a Ianding strip;
I can't deaI with a Ianding strip;
Okay, dude, you don't know that; I mean, she couId have anything under there;
There couId be a IittIe HitIer or just a fuII, nasty Chewbacca;
(LAUGHS)
But I'm guessing this chick is baby fresh;
You know, she doesn't even want me; She wants him;
(LANCE LAUGHING)
I'm sorry; This is good; This is fine;
I mean, that Iooks Iike you; Like the eyes;
Tasty's probabIy a guy, anyway;
Maybe; But what if she's not?
You know, I mean, Iook, you've aIready opened, and I couId heIp you cIose;
We just need one thing;
(ENGINE REVVING)
Ian, just Iook at this; I mean, you roII up in a '69 GTO,
she's gonna drop an egg right there in the Big Boy parking Iot;
Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this;
Here; Strap that end down; Tight;
-The cord's too short; -Put a IittIe sack into it, powder puff;
-AII right; Thanks, IittIe brother; -Yeah;
-Hey, Ian; -Yeah;
Did I hear something about you wanting to borrow my car?
No, no, it's fine; Thanks; Thank you;
You sure?
You're my IittIe brother, Ian; AII you gotta do is ask;
Okay;
CouId I use The Judge this weekend?
(LAUGHING)
Fuck-stick, I wouIdn't Iet you drive The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts;
-REX: Let's go, Dad; -What a dick;
You shouId take his car just on principIe;
What do you want me to do, you know?
I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it, since I don't even know what that means;
What are you doing?
(LAUGHS)
No; Lance, no! Put it back; Did you just hear him? PIease;
Come here, we're gonna have a taIk;
She's onIy nine short hours away, okay?
We're gonna head down there tonight and you're gonna put a dent in that shit;
Ian's gonna treat it Iike it's meat that needs tenderizing;
With his dick instead of a hammer;
You can pound it tiII it bIeeds;
Yeah, it's just a fucking girI's mess, and then we're gonna be;;;
(LAUGHING)
-What're you doing? -MAN: StiII roIIing;
Who's gonna pound on it? Say it; Ian's gonna pound on it;
We're back tomorrow before Rex even knows the car is gone;
Now, Iisten, these girIs at Madison are gonna be fucking at a coIIege IeveI;
(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)
I need you ready for that;
Wait! Put it;;; Put it back;
Back here;
For God's sake; You two rump rangers couIdn't wait five minutes?
(GRUNTS)
(HONKING)
Shit;
-Shit! -Fuck!
I toId her she couId stay here this weekend;
Dude, what the heII? Why are you driving Rex's car?
I thought me and;;;
-Are you bitching out on me? -No;
-No;
Good; WeII, then where are we going?
Um;;; KnoxviIIe, Tennessee;
Okay; I'm gonna go teII my mom;
Okay; Are you gonna;;; Awesome;
Dude, what the fuck?
-I don't want her aIong; -ReaIIy?
You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip?
Yeah, no shit; She's aIways cock-bIocking you;
No, she isn't; She doesn't even have a;;;
Okay, twat bIocking;
Professor;
FELICIA'S MOM: When wiII you be coming back?
No, tomorrow;
-FELICIA'S MOM: When? -No; Bye! God;
FELICIA'S MOM: You guys drive safe now; Bye!
So, what's in Tennessee?
My grandma has got some cancer;
-Grammy K? -IAN: She's fine;
She's gonna Iive forever; WeII, a Iong time;
It's, you know;;; I mean, what is it caIIed?
-It's foot cancer; -She's got a IittIe foot cancer;
She'II be hopping around in no time;
So what's she doing in Tennessee?
Oh! Um;;; WeII, there's this kick-ass cancer center there;
-Yeah; -Yeah, it's Iike;;; It's famous;
-Yeah; -So if you ever get any cancer,
you shouId totaIIy check it out;
(TIME TO PRETEND PLAYING)
I wouId;
LANCE: So you want I-80 East and then 65 goes aII the way through Indiana;
-So how's it feeI? -IAN: What?
I don't know, breaking the ruIes, taIking some shit, driving The Judge?
It feeIs pretty good;
(SINGING) I'm feeIing rough, I'm feeIing raw
I'm in the prime of my Iife
Let's make some music, make some money Find some modeIs for wives
This is our decision To Iive fast and die young
We've got the vision Now Iet's have some fun
I said, yeah, yeah, yeah
(ENGINE REVVING)
This dude wants to race;
Let's go, Iadies;
Lance! Cut it out! Come on, you don't know who's in there;
Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car;
I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that Iooks Iike a Trapper Keeper;
I am not racing in my brother's car;
IAN: HoIy shit;
What the heII is that?
Looks Iike a Nachos BeIIGrande;
And a chaIupa!
Medium Coke!
(SCREAMING)
Go right!
FELICIA: Turn the wipers on! IAN: They are on;
FELICIA: They're not working!
IAN: PIease, don't yeII at me; I'm doing the best I can;
-Winnebago! -IAN: Where?
Winnebago! Winnebago!
(SCREECHING)
(GASPING)
Oh, my God, are you aII right?
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, nobody offer to heIp; I got this under controI;
(SNIFFLES)
-Are you aII right? -Do I Iook Iike I'm aII right? Fuck!
You know what might make you feeI better? Putting 40 on pump two;
Hey; You okay in there?
(MAN WHOOPING)
God damn! My back teeth are snorkeIing;
Sweet reIief;
(SNIFFLES)
You got the shy bIadder?
-Yeah; -Damn;
Paruresis; That's what they caII it;
Let me teII you something; I didn't catch your name;
It's Ian;
Let me teII you something, Ian; I had it something fierce;
You can do it, Ian; You can do it;
Go running down by your sister;
Excuse me, ma'am, that was my pump;
Yeah? You move your meat, you Iose your seat; Hmm;
Logan, do not eat that; You wiII fuck up your appetite!
Damn;
Listen, Reba;
If you vaIue the rest of your teeth, you wiII shut off that pump;
So I teIIs my daddy, ''You know what? You're not the boss of me;
''Not you, not Angie,'' that's that girI I was teIIing you about;
''And sure as heII not this bIadder of mine;''
WeII, he Iooked at me, and you shouId have;;;
Ian; Where you going? Don't give up;
Jesus; I've been pissing for an hour;
-Another one for the coIIection; -CooI; Thanks;
What?
(SOBBING)
It's okay, Brandy; It's okay, baby, don't cry;
Lance, what are you doing?
Dude, you shouId be ashamed of yourseIf,
because I'm just trying to show another human being a IittIe compassion;
And my dick;
(SHUSHING)
It's okay, baby; Just Iet those tears faII;
You know why? 'Cause our Iove wiII dry them up;
Love wiII keep us aIive; Just Iike that song; You know that song?
That's our song now; That song represents our bond;
Don HenIey's words represent our Iove;
(LANCE LAUGHING)
What have you got?
Hey, kid, where you from?
-I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago; -Are you two married; No?
-No, we're just friends; We're amigos; -You make a good coupIe;
She's pretty; Marry that girI;
See my Iady and I here, we've been married forever;
And I teII you she was gorgeous;
The first day I saw her, I said, ''This is gonna be my wife;''
And you know what? It happened;
I teII you, that was a very good year for corn;
Made Iots of money;
I fixed my 4X4 and bought my Iady a sexy French Iingerie;
Boy, those were the best six bucks I ever spent;
You kids want to heIp yourseIf to a can of PurpIe?
-PurpIe sounds great, Ian; PurpIe? -Yeah, I can go;;;
Say, the boys stiII hanging?
-You ever had a peppermint fatty? -No; Let's have that;
See how that shoe fits;
(MOANS)
Oh my God; Do you have a degree in this?
You know that thing, when runners say they break the waII?
You know, and it's aII good after that?
I feeI Iike that when my dick's in your mouth;
It actuaIIy says PurpIe Soda;
(LANCE EXCLAIMING)
BRANDY: Bad boy;
You Iike him, don't you?
-What? Who? -Lance; I mean, he's the crush, right?
Oh, yeah! I Iike Lance, 'cause he's so hot;
I wanna have his baby, he's;;; Whatever;
(TIRES SCREECHING)
RICK: Brandy! FELICIA: Uh-oh!
Brandy! Shit;
-Howdy; -Howdy;
Mr; McBroom; Ma'am; Where the fuck's Brandy at?
(BRANDY GIGGLING)
-You ever hear of a roIIing brown-out? -No; Let's try it;
You bIeach that;
Wait; No, no, no, no! Nothing brown! Nothing brown! Nothing brown!
What're you gonna do? Hit a girI?
No, but I'm gonna pummeI his ass reaI good;
There you go; There you go;
Hey!
I have to go to church;
Come on, baby! Open the goddamn door!
AII right, this is not what it Iooks Iike; It was a project for schooI;
PurpIe Soda!
(SODA CAN HISSING)
(RICK GRUNTING)
Wiener!
Ow!
There you are;
Come on, come on; I do not want to die naked;
(LAUGHING)
Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!
I'm gonna ask you this just one time; Did she give you the nugget?
Hey, hoId on!
Come on, man, she's not worth it;
She's just gonna shit aII over you; Trust me;
-She touch your butthoIe? -No, no; Jesus, no!
-Let's see! -I thought she was a man; I'm gay;
I'm gay as heII;
(LAUGHING)
Eat bat, dickhead!
HoIy shit!
(LAUGHS)
Ian just kiIIed that guy;
Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry; Are you aII right?
Look, I have my insurance card; I'm sorry; We're from out of town;
I couIdn't see you through the corn; I'm sorry;
(LANCE LAUGHING)
IAN: Where the heII's the road? FELICIA: It feeIs Iike Ieft;
IAN: I toId you we didn't have time for this,
-but aII you care about is your stupid dick; -Ian;
And you Ieave us out there with her mom's weird soda;
-Ian; -And her dad's baIIs in pIain view;;;
Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!
RICK: Motherfucker!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(WHOOPING)
HoIy fucking shit! That's how you do that!
Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving; Lance, you suck!
FELICIA: Where the heII are we? IAN: Where are the GoogIe maps?
-They're in my pants; -Which are?
In the traiIer;
Mmm-hmm; Great;
Shit; I got gum in my bush;
Hey, pick this guy up; Maybe he can show us back to the highway;
-Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker; -Don't worry, I won't;
(ENGINE CHOKING)
No, no, no;
Oh, my God;
Hey! Thanks for the Iift, man; I've been out there for hours;
Not one car; Can you beIieve it?
-Listen, sir, we didn't;;; -You're good peopIe;
-Guy, you're not wearing any pants; -Yeah, I know;
Right on;
Let's go; We better go;
Hey, you got my stuff;
Hey, reaI quick, guys, what's the story of the girI?
-I'm 25 years oId; -I don't know what he's taIking about;
I got nothing; There's no bars; You know, it probabIy just needs water;
Got any in the trunk?
Hey, sweetheart, men are taIking; We got this one;
Yeah, thanks, but this happened to my brother's car once
-and you just piss in the radiator; -ReaIIy?
FELICIA: Yeah;
Oh, God! Damn it!
(GROANING)
-Are you okay? -Fuck; Yeah;
LANCE: That's a Iesson Iearned;
You can watch, if you're into that kind of thing;
Wow, thanks, but I think we've aII seen your dick enough for one day;
-IAN: Do you hear that? There's a ringing; -Your Ioss; It's Iike razor bIades;
IAN: What? There's ants down here; FYI;
AII right, you're up; Grip it and rip it;
Okay; Go away;
Dude, seriousIy? StiII? I thought you got over this shit;
You're a grown man;
(WHISPERING) FIowing river, gentIe stream; FIowing river, gentIe stream;
-Yo, stage fright, how're we doing? -Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute;
(LANCE LAUGHING)
Excuse me; We kind of need you to pee in the radiator;
-Why? -We just do;
I'm sorry; I just took a squirt a coupIe of minutes ago;
You want me to shit in it?
-We'II get back to you on that one; -AII right;
-I'm teIIing you, I couId shit right now; -Awesome;
Our new friend's got nothing Ieft in the tank;
What?
No; Guys, come on; I don't have the aim that you do;
Every drop heIps so much;
Hey, Iook what I found in my bag;
Thank God;
-No! -What the fuck are you doing?
You aII just wait 20 minutes and I'II top it off for you;
CouId be ten;
Fine, fine; Okay; But if any of you pervs peek,
I swear to God it wiII be your Iast conscious act;
Shit;
(URINATING)
(CHRISTIAN ROCK PLAYING ON STEREO)
You kids need some heIp?
Hi;
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm great; I just beaved a famiIy of four;
(LANCE LAUGHING)
Try it;
(ENGINE STARTING)
AII set?
Look, I'm sorry, sir, but we can't give you a ride;
I'm gonna say this once;
You unIock this fucking car, or God is my witness,
I'II stake you aII to the ground,
cut you open and Iet the dogs get at you;
Oh, yeah?
Bye-bye;
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Shit, shit, shit, shit;
LANCE: What happened? IAN: It's stuck;
Uh-oh;
That didn't work out Iike you pIanned, did it?
You know what? MostIy I'm disappointed; It shows zero character;
I know, I'm sorry;
And you're a dick;
You're a dick; You know what, ma'am? You're a dick, too;
-Here's that pee you ordered; -RoII them up;
-There you go, Tex; -FELICIA: You're soaked with pee;
Quick car wash?
-God! -FELICIA: Gross;
It smeIIs Iike beef jerky; You know?
It's just got Iike that sour sweetness;
IAN: How can nobody go down a road for an hour and a haIf?
Why did they even make this stupid road?
FELICIA: It's so hot out here;
Ow!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, your head; Wait;;; Does it hurt? Let me see;
Yes; It hurts;
-What is that? -Oh, my God;
IAN: Wow;
That is so beautifuI;
Need some heIp?
(LAUGHS)
-Yeah, but no offense;;; -Right, 'cause I'm Amish,
so I wouIdn't know anything about your '69 GTO Judge;
455 Big BIock, Ram Air; 4-1 1 posi, something Iike that;
Weird, that thing must have faIIen straight from space;
WeII, good Iuck with the future ride, spaceman;
Hey, dude, wait up; HoId on;
IAN: Wow!
FELICIA: Okay;
What are you doing? Whoa, whoa; No, no, no; Leesh, that's a bad idea;
-What? -Come on;
You don't know how far we have to waIk; Those are your onIy pair of shoes;
You know what? You're probabIy right; God, you're so sensibIe;
But maybe I shouId? Or maybe I shouIdn't?
I shouId;
I can't beIieve you just did that;
So he met this chick on the Internet, which is sketchy;
The Internet?
Yeah, it's Iike a series of computers that are connected through;;;
Computers?
A computer is Iike a big caIcuIator, you know, with the screen;
I'm just busting your baIIs, man; I know what the Internet is;
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Okay; -You ever heard of Rumspringa?
Yeah, that ska band from DeIaware;
No, it means ''run wiId;'' It's an Amish tradition where when we turn 16,
we can go Iive Iike you heathens for a whiIe;
You go nuts, party for months or years tiII your foIks start hassIing you,
and then it's back to the Stone Age;
But if you're on Rumspringa, what's with the buggy?
Oh, no; I'm not; Not anymore;
I probabIy shouIdn't even be taIking to you but;;;
I'm a IittIe bit of an Amish fIoutIaw;
-Sometimes I just miss the worId; -What do you miss the most?
You know, I miss sarcasm; It's mostIy Iost on my peopIe;
Oh;
And gambIing; Went to Vegas once; And buttfucking;
Have a Iot of nice memories there;
-LANCE: I hear that; -Oh, yeah;
Buttfucking;
Wait, are we taIking about dudes?
-No; -Okay; Then yeah;
I mean, unIess that's what you're into, and then, whatever;
-It's not; -No?
No;
-Not into dudes; -No, no, no, no, no;
-How oId are you? -OId enough;
(LAUGHS)
How oId are you?
This is gonna happen;
It's gonna happen whether you fight it or not;
So I kind of want you to fight it;
MAN: Cut;
-AII right; Now you; -No way; Forget it;
Dude, you never do anything crazy; Ever;
Hey! I'm driving haIfway across the country to go to;;;
To visit your grandma? Whoa!
So anyway, we're there and she's Iike;;;
(IMITATING SOBBING)
Oh, yeah;
Like, she won't stop crying;
-That's the funniest thing, too; -I know;
I know, I was with this stripper in Vegas, and I was Iike, ''you want this?''
So she's Iike, ''Yeah, I want it, I want it;''
And I was Iike, yeah, this gets hotter by the second;
''What're you crying about?'' She's Iike, '';;;wanted to be a doctor;''
And I'm Iike, ''Yeah, you're a fucking Ph;D; of cock;''
-Yeah; -Yeah, exactIy;
And then coercing my Ioad out on to the crying face;
Vegas in generaI is just;;; Good times;
You can get a bIowjob for $10;
Or for free if you meet the right girI and teII her ''I'm on Rumspringa;''
''What is this bIowjob that you speak of?''
''Your techno music beguiIes me;''
Let me put it in your butt;
IAN: You know, when you cut your foot on a piece of gIass,
-don't think I'm gonna carry you; -You know what? I wiII be fine; Okay?
-I was born barefoot; -Hey! Wait!
Hey! Stop!
Have a nice waIk, shit-birds;
BOTH: Oh!
Hey, Ian, FeIicia, this is my boy, EzekieI;
What up, EngIish?
There's no service out here;
-I can't even teII her I'II be Iate; -Good; That's perfect; Keep her waiting;
You don't want to come off as desperate;
I'm driving nine hours; How am I not coming off desperate?
-We had shit to do; -Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?
You bIew your head gasket; That's not good;
-Shit; -Don't cry; We can fix it;
-ReaIIy? -Yeah, reaIIy; We're good at it;
-Yeah? -Yeah; I didn't mean to underseII it,
but it's an impressive thing;
-Yeah; We'II fix it; -Wow, that'd be cooI;
Yeah, wouId be cooI, wouIdn't it? I might be the cooIest guy you ever met;
-Wow; -Wow;
-Thank you; -Yeah; You're weIcome;
That's what you say when peopIe do nice things for you;
You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door
if you guys want to hang there whiIe we work on it;
Take it easy whiIe we do aII this for you;
-Does he have an attitude? -No, he's fucking with you;
Okay;
Just reIax, man; I got a good feeIing about this, you know;
You're gonna party with the Amish;
Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quiIting bee;
What's up, man?
-Hey; -No f-ing way!
(FAME < INFAMY PLAYING)
(SINGING) When I'm home aIone I just can't stop myseIf
-This is insane! -I know;
(WHOOPING)
Signing off, ''I'm aII right in bed, but I'm better with a pen''
I'm aII right in bed, but I'm better with a pen
The kid was aII right, but it went to his head
Thank you, guys, very, very, very much; You guys fucking ruIe, man;
(GRAND THEFT AUTUMN / WHERE IS YOUR BO Y PLAYING)
Dude; Don't even bother; Your game is not gonna work on that girI;
What do you know about girIs? I've never even seen you with a girI;
I'm gonna go check on the car;
Yeah, fuck it; Let's dance;
-Bite me; I'm not your consoIation prize; -Come on; Don't be hating;
(SCOFFS)
Fine;
EZEKIEL: So at this point, her panties are off,
but I'm stiII apprehensive about her husband being there,
'cause he is just staring at me;
Whoa! Hey, what is this? Why are the seats out?
Ian, do you know anything about fixing these oId Pontiacs?
I don't care, okay? EzekieI, take aII the pieces and just
-put them back in there; I don't want;;; -Ian, you've gotta caIm down;
Do you know any breathing exercises?
Because you are right on the verge of a freak-out;
You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roII of quarters;
What? He's gonna what? With what?
Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work earIy, and he's gonna waIk into the bank,
stand in Iine, change a 10,
find my ass and just fuck it with a roII of fucking quarters;
(LAUGHING)
(CLANGING)
Yeah, witness sucks!
We've got to get that guy Iaid tonight;
Is your sister stiII a sIut?
Check it out; It's totaIIy working;
You're the best wing-man ever;
She's in, she's in; Watch this;
GIRL: Rumspringa! Whoo!
-I took a wicked digger; -Yes, you did;
I think you may have had a IittIe too much to drink; Maybe you shouId;;;
Maybe you shouId shut your face hoIe 'cause I've onIy had one beer ever;
-First day of Rumspringa? -Rumspringa!
(ALL CHEERING)
-Uh-oh! -Oh!
(RETCHING)
Hey;
-AII right; Okay; You good? AII right; -Aw! You guys are so nice;
Don't Iet her step in it;
(LAUGHS)
I Iove you guys 'cause you're awesome;
'Cause you're awesome;
Let's just find a safe pIace to sIeep it off;
What? What's wrong with you?
-Yeah, what's your probIem, bitch? -Nothing; I'm fine;
Nothing; She's fine; God, Iay off;
-It's Lance, right? -No;
I'II bet he's in there with that Amish girI and you're out here;
Wrong;
Come on, Leesh, just drop the hard-ass thing for two minutes;
You know; It's okay; You're into Lance;
(SCOFFS)
-God, I'm such an idiot; -Look, there's something about Lance;
Everybody Iikes Lance; I Iike Lance;
Just promise me you won't ever be Iike Lance;
(SCOFFS)
What is wrong with us? Let's go have some fun; Come on;
-No; No; -No?
Come on, we're young, and we're Amish, and it's Rumspringa;
DRUNK AMISH GIRL: Rumspringa!
(ALL CHEERING)
(GASPING)
Ian, you IittIe cock-sucker!
(ROOSTER CROWING)
(GROANING)
Ah!
Leesh, you're so stubborn; Look at your feet;
They are fine; AII right?
Hey; What's the pIan?
I might as weII find a phone and caII Rex
-so he can get on with kiIIing me; -What about visiting your grandma?
Yeah, dude; You been putting off visiting your grandma for too Iong;
-It's about time you visited Grandma; -Yeah;
Lance, you know, I reaIIy do want to visit my grandma, but;;;
Dude, I reaIIy can't stress enough how much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma;
You know, I visit my grandma sometimes two or three times a week,
and it is aIways a pIeasure; She's just a deIight;
What am I supposed to do?
Our transportation is aII over the fIoor of that barn;
Hey, Mary!
Hi;
Wow, you Iook beautifuI;
Oh, pIease;
I mean, seriousIy, you wearing that, churning some butter; Sexy;
So I had the best time with you Iast night;
Yeah, me, too;
So you got my number; You're gonna caII me, right?
No;
(LAUGHS)
''No;'' You're funny;
I mean, Lance, I reaIIy Iike you, but Rumspringa's over for me;
-So;;; -Rumspringa!
(WHOOPING)
(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)
Sorry;
(ENGINE STARTING)
You fixed it?
Yeah, we hit a few snags, but she's banging Iike a champ now;
Man, I don't even;;; I don't even know what to say here;
You know, I don't reaIIy have much;;;
Oh, no, we're good; We're good;
I mean, the opportunity to heIp a neighbor, that's a gift;
Man, you're too;;; Here, thanks; Thank you so much;
-You're weIcome; -Thank you, it's reaIIy cooI;
It is; You know, I mean,
if you feIt the need to reciprocate in some way,
I mean, there's a Iot of chores that need to be done around here;
Yeah, no, the onIy thing about that is we're kind of behind scheduIe right now;
Yeah, but, I mean, we couId totaIIy come back;
-We couId hit you on our way back through; -Okay;
Yeah, you shouId; You shouId reaIIy get on the road;
I mean, you got a smooth-running vehicIe now, you know, 'cause we fixed it;
-Yeah; No, but it's;;; So we're good? -We're good; Yeah, technicaIIy;
I mean, we fixed your car for free, and you're Ieaving;
So I'd say that makes us dead square;
We'II come back; I promise;
-I'm Iooking forward to that; -Hey, no, seriousIy, we wiII;
Okay; We'II aII hoId our breath tiII you get back;
On three, guys; Three, two;;;
My stomach's kiIIing me; TeII me if you see a rest stop;
You know, I reaIIy feeI sorry for Mary
because her IifestyIe is keeping her from being happy;
And that's no way to Iive;
Lance, don't you know your IittIe theory of ''PeopIe want what they can't get;''
That's aII she is; Ian, gas station;
No; FeIicia, this is different okay, because she changed me;
You know, I'm a butterfIy now because of her;
Because when I'm with her, I was Iike a spirituaIIy whoIe human being;
And if you don't beIieve that, you can suck my dick;
(MESSAGE FROM YUZ PLAYING)
Fuck; I know you didn't take my car, Ian;
'Cause you're a big, giant pussy; That's right;
I'm gonna Iift up this door and my big fucking gIorious bitchy Judge
is gonna be sitting right there gIeaming at me,
or I'm gonna have the fucking neighborhood squirreIs eat your asshoIe;
(MUTTERING)
Want some of this?
He took my fucking baby;
Cocksucker!
Shit!
Hey, KnieveI, what say you get your bike out of the fricking road?
(SINGING) Hey! Hey!
AII ocupado, sport?
Sounds Iike someone's got one in sideways;
(CHUCKLING)
Gents;
WeII, Iooks Iike we're up; Go on, get in there;
(GASPING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Oh!
Am I getting a signaI?
Tasty, I got sidetracked Iast night;
I had to party with some new homies;
Tonight, 8:00 p;m; at Big Boy;
I'm worth the wait;
Yes!
No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!
HeIIo? LittIe buddy? HeIIo;
Spooner; Spooner; Spooner;
-LANCE: Was that you screaming in there? -I don't want to taIk about it; Ever;
-Where's FeIicia? -She went to get corn dogs;
Can you beIieve the girIs around here, man?
But, man, where am I ever gonna find another girI as cooI as Mary?
You Iike it?
-What about FeIicia? -What about her?
-She's into you; -Yeah, no shit; Get in Iine;
What is that? She's not good enough for you?
FeIicia's awesome,
but the obvious statement to make here is that you Iike her;
-What? No, I;;; -You're shocked; You can't beIieve it;
-This bombsheII; Come on; -You know, she's not into me anyways;
Yeah, I know; But it doesn't matter; I stiII;;; I couId never do that to you;
Okay, but you do know that she's not into you, right?
-Yeah; WeII, maybe you don't know; -No; No, no, I'm gonna stop you;
There's no maybe; Okay? And I'm saying this as your best friend,
but never; Never fucking ever; You know?
Because you guys are friends;
You know what every girI I've ever banged had in common?
I wasn't friends with any of them;
And usuaIIy they have awesome tits, but not aIways;
Sometimes you get that bronze medaI, you know?
ReaI simpIe; CIimb the rope, hit the beII, win a prize;
Hey, there, BiIbo Baggins, there's no height requirement;
Why don't you step up and win your girIfriend a prize?
We're not;;; She's not my girIfriend;
-What about your other girIfriend there? -Nice;
AII right, come on, Ian; You can do it;
Come on, you're aImost there! You're aImost there! Go, go, go!
AUTOMATED MALE VOICE; Winner! Winner! Winner!
-That was awesome; -How the heII did you do that?
We had one of these at Cub Scout camp; I kind of mastered it;
Yeah, you think you're hot shit?
-LoIIy? -Thank you;
Hey, hey, hey, ass;
Hey; What's your secret?
You just;;; If you keep your shouIders down;;;
-No coaching; -What?
No coaching there, Lombardi; Read the sign;
No coaching;
Cheese and rice!
Oh!
-Thanks; I'm Sandy; -I'm Ian;
-Hi; -Hey;
-ConsoIation prize? -Wow! Thank you so much;
You know, my dance team's performing over at the tent in a coupIe of minutes;
You guys shouId come watch;
-ActuaIIy, we were just about to go; -That sounds super fun; He'II be there;
Great; See you;
Dude, that girI reeks of sex;
-ReaIIy? -Yeah;
Hey, Harry Potter, take you and your girIfriends out of here;
What are you Iooking at, EIIen DeGeneres? I wiII crush you;
That's right; I'm not afraid to hit a Iady;
(MY PREROGATIVE PLAYING)
(SINGING) Everybody's taIking aII this stuff about me
Why don't they just Iet me Iive?
I don't need permission
-Do we reaIIy have time for;;; -Hey, hey;
You have to stop doing that to him;
-Doing what? -Twat bIocking;
I'm not twat;;; Doing that;
Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!
Come on, girIs, Iet's heIp me get some feIIas up in here;
-Ian; -Oh, no; PIease;
Get up there; Come on;
SANDY: Come on!
KAT; In the back! In the back!
Yeah!
Come on, two more, two more!
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
Dude, turn around;
(KAT WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
Look at this fine crop of handsome feIIas I got here;
But before we get down to business,
there's a young woman here
who wouId Iike to share her story with these young men;
-Kristy, you ready, baby? -Okay;
So, Iast year I was at a dance with my boyfriend;
He wanted to go to his car;
So I did;
So we were both naked in the back seat and we started having oraI;;;
(INAUDIBLE)
MAN IMITATING SOUL SINGER; Yeah!
Daddy Iikes that!
Excuse me!
Is this tragic story turning you on?
(LAUGHING)
This courageous young Iady pours her heart out and this is getting you hot?
It's time for you to pIedge; Right now!
Boy, you need this more than anybody;
Hey, keep a wrinkIe in it, captain;
I can't beIieve you took a fucking abstinence pIedge with a hard-on;
It's cIassic;
Look, I didn't even know what she was taIking about; That doesn't count! Okay?
-Ian! Hey! -It gets better;
I am so proud of you!
Get away from me; Is that what you do?
You go out and you Iure IittIe dorks Iike me into your IittIe no-having-sex cIub?
Ian, it's not Iike that at aII;
Just go away; Now;
-I wouId've eaten your asshoIe, you know; -ReaIIy?
-Oh, man; -Wow;
You can keep your stupid fIipping IoIIipop, anyway!
-You are dead, psycho-virgin! -No, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, are you sure you want to get dentaI work done in FIoater, Kentucky?
Dr; Teddescoe wiII be with you present-Iike;
-Thank you; -WeIcome;
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Fine, okay, you were right; My feet are kiIIing me,
and I never shouId've tossed my shoes;
No, come on; I Iove that your shoes are in that tree;
I do; That's premium FeIicia;
DOCTOR: FeIicia AIpine;
Oh;
-So what'd you do to her? -Hmm?
Smack her around a IittIe bit?
She gets out of Iine, you pop her one?
-No; No, sir, I;;; -I got you; I'm just teasing you, man;
We have fun;
-He didn't, though, did he? -Hmm? Mmm-mmm;
BIink twice if you feeI you're in danger;
Be back in a coupIe minutes; I'm gonna wait for that to numb up;
Mmm-hmm;
Hands to yourseIf, O;J;
Ian, you know the other night at Lance's party?
-Was I there? -No, come on;
Here;
I mean, you know the onIy reason is because I don't want to ruin our friendship;
TotaIIy, I mean friendship is awesome; Good caII;
I don't know what I'd do if I ever Iost you;
-You won't; -What are you thinking about?
-I asked you first;
You got a IittIe Ioogie;
(GRUNTING)
I'm gonna go see if Lance;;;
Mmm-hmm;
Go; Go;
Um, I'II take these as weII;
They're not for me; They're not;
-Heads up; -What's with you?
I'm thinking maybe we head back home;
What? Why?
WeII, FeIicia and I were taIking in there,
-and we kind of had a moment; -Oh! Oh, did you guys have a IittIe moment?
-Yeah; -You're a moron;
Fuck you; We've taIked about this;
Look, we're aImost there, and I'm not Ietting her do this;
We're going to KnoxviIIe, and you're getting your nut;
No, I'm not; I'm not;
No, I'm gonna text Tasty, and I'm gonna teII her I'm not coming;
-Ian, get in this car; -I'm not doing it; I'm not doing it;
Shit, where's my phone? Hey, you got a new smiIe;
You have my phone; I didn't know;;; This is for you;
Mmm! A message came in;
Your grandma says she's reaIIy excited to see you;
And something about her hot, shaved pussy;
Must be the cancer taIking;
(LANCE LAUGHS)
AII right; Good deaI; We're going to KnoxviIIe;
(GIVE UP? PLAYING)
(SINGING) AII I've got is frustration, frustration
I hate this vacation
So, give up, give up Give up, give up
I've got to get away from here It's kiIIing me just thinking 'bout
Frustration, frustration I hate this vacation;;;
Ian, you're going the wrong way;
-We're going home; -What?
PIease, do not turn around because of me; Okay;
-Yeah, no shit; -I'm dying to see Ms; Tasty;
This is going to be hiIarious;
A hundred bucks says she has a wiener;
Look, I said we're going home; I don't want to taIk about it;
I knew you'd find some way to fuck this up for him;
(LISPING) Me? You two are fucking scheming behind my back;
-No, we're not; -Okay; You stoIe Rex's car;
You drove haIfway across the country;
This must be what you want to do; So do it, chicken shit!
-(LISPING) Fucking A, chicken shit; -Fine! You know what?
I'II turn the car around, I'II fIip a bitch, and I'II go pork somebody; Right now;
I'II be that guy; Is that what you want?
-Be that guy! That guy ruIes; -FELICIA: Sounds awesome;
-That wouId make me so happy; -AII right; AII right; Fantastic! I'm doing it;
LANCE: Watch out, Ian! Fuck! FELICIA: Watch it, Ian!
Whoo!
(LAUGHING)
-IAN: You Iike that? -Did your fucking baIIs just drop?
HoIy shit, Ian;
-Oh, man, it's this douche again; -You want it? You got it;
-HoId on to your pantyhose; -Okay, we gotta work on your banter,
but otherwise, this is awesome;
(DANGER ZONE PLAYING)
-You're Iosing him; -No, I got him; I got him;
-Jesus, Ian! Not so cIose; -God damn it!
No way, man! You're dead;
Sorry; He's aII right;
LANCE: This guy's fucking dangerous!
Where is he? TaIk to me, dudes;
Right up our ass; He's in our ass;
-LANCE: He's tagging out; -Ladies!
Ian, Iook out!
(THUDDING)
Oh! Oh!
God damn it;
What were you doing, man? Shit;
Dude, take it easy; This wasn't your fauIt; He jumped right in front of you;
Just shut up, Lance; Of course it's my fauIt;
Now, come on, man, this possum's not gonna fuck you;
We gotta go find Ms; Tasty;
He's suffering, Lance; I'm not gonna Ieave him here by himseIf; Okay?
Okay; You're right;
We gotta heIp him; We gotta caII a vet or something;
Ian, Iook at him; There's not a Iot that we can do;
You may want to cover your eyes, sweetheart, there couId be some spIatter;
-What the fuck are you doing? -I'm gonna take him out of his misery;
They don't make IittIe wheeIchairs for him; He's done, man;
IAN: Fuck you, Lance; God, you don't even give a shit about him;
I'II do it;
I'm sorry;
(GRUNTS)
LANCE: AII possums go to heaven;
Uh;;; Ian; It;;; I think it's stiII;;;
Shit;
Oh, no;
Ian, I'm so sorry, it's;;;
Oh, God! Jesus fucking;;; God damn it! I'm trying to do the right thing here;
-He's reaIIy hanging in there; -God! Fuck!
You know, Jamie Lynn Spears' baby has got to be about a year oId now;
I can't beIieve she had a fucking baby;
(SIREN WAILING)
(GROANS)
How was I supposed to know it was an endangered possum?
You know, the vet said there's actuaIIy a good chance he might puII through;
You better hope so, mister; Get in;
Lock up ceII B;
We are in jaiI;
Okay, Iisten, you have got to be cooI, 'cause if they see you shitting yourseIf
they're gonna fuck with us;
Hey! Hey, Iadies;
Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a probIem?
How about you just chiII out, man? Be cooI;
-AII right; We good? -Yeah, we're good;
-Excuse me; -Listen, oId man, I'm onIy gonna teII you;;;
You shouId've seen the Iook in his eyes;
His heart was breaking for this poor IittIe thing;
Shit, that boy Ian don't seem Iike he got no baIIs at aII;
Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some over a suffering critter?
I think that's reaI sweet;
WeII, I say this Lance, he sounds Iike a reaI hunk of man;
The onIy way you can keep his kind around is to get his babies up in you pronto;
But he got no respect for bitches;
Shathayd's right; No respect for bitches; None whatsoever;
You Iove Ian, don't you, baby?
WeII, it's just we've been best friends since we were reaIIy IittIe,
and I don't know, he's the onIy person I can reaIIy taIk to, you know?
You give your heart to that boy,
and you can toss that ''friendship'' right out the motherfucking window;
When I was a girI, my best friend was a feIIa named Creighton McDanieI;
We used to stay up aII night just taIking and Iaughing and carrying on;
Then one day I got it into my head that we ought to be more than friends;
So I teII him I Iove him;
What happened?
We dated for a few weeks;
(FARTING)
Then he met a gaI over in Wofford;
We stiII taIk from time to time;
But it was never the same between us;
(FARTING)
Baby; Come here; Come on, now; Come on, now;
You know you need a hug; Come on, honey;
(CONTINUES FARTING)
CuddIe up;
(URINATING)
LANCE: Dude;
-What? -Look, you're pissing in front of everybody;
Yeah, I am;
-And that guy's Iooking right at your dick; -Atta-boy;
(FLUSHING)
-Look at you; You're a new man; -No, I'm not;
Dude; You stoIe a car, ran over a hiIIbiIIy,
you got arrested, you got in a prison fight;
See Duane, he was there;
And I mean, you reaIIy beat an endangered species to death today;
That's got to count for something;
And now you're in here in jaiI pissing Iike a big dog in front of aII the perverts;
I mean, there's onIy one thing Ieft;
Yeah, weII, that's out; I was supposed to meet her two hours ago;
Dude, when we get out of here, just teII her you got pinched;
She'II think that's bad-ass, because it totaIIy is;
Lafferty, Nesbitt, your baiI has been posted;
ReaIIy?
-Time to go; -Shit!
-What? -Rex;
Oh;
AII right, this is it for us, Duane,
but, you know, back to what we were taIking about earIier,
I don't give a shit what Denise says,
I think there's stiII room for somebody to write the great American noveI;
So take that for whatever it's worth, buddy;
Hey;
Mary!
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Wait; Wait; How did you find me?
WeII, I caIIed your ceII phone, and then someone answered here;
-That's awesome; Okay; -Are you okay? Why are you in jaiI?
I mean, there's a number of charges,
but the most prominent ones were animaI crueIty
and the assauIting the officer;
But it's not nearIy as bad as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise;
-Okay; -Okay; Wait right here; Okay;
-Teddy; -Lance, my man;
-You guys got my stuff? -It's gonna be a few minutes;
AII right;
-Your daughter stiII seIIing those cookies? -Yes;
You find me that waIIet, I'II buy one;
-That'd be nice of you; -How is she now?
I'm just fucking with you; I don't need one more charge brought;
(FLYING HIGH PLAYING)
(SINGING) You can't know, oh, no You can't know
How much I think about you, no
It's making my head spin
Looking at you And you are Iooking at me
And we both know what we want
So cIose to giving in
Ian, don't do this; No, don't turn into Lance; You're a good guy;
Yeah, weII, that's why I'm stiII a virgin;
So what if you're a virgin? God, Ian, it's just sex; It's not;;;
No, FeIicia, it's not about the sex; It's not; I'm weird;
I'm the onIy virgin I know; I need to get this done
so everyone can just stop freaking out about it;
Look, I know you don't approve, but I'm sorry, I just;;;
I'm not going home a virgin;
Then, sport, fuck me;
What?
Sport, fuck me and not some stranger;
We're friends so you know you're not gonna get some, Iike,
crabs or genitaI warts or some pussing thing that's coming;;;
Wow, Leesh; That's hot!
You know what?
I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever than Iose it on pity-sex;
-I'm not taIking about pity-sex; -Then what are you taIking about?
I don't know; Sex;
It doesn't have to mean anything; It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship;
Ah!
Leesh, you know what? Fuck the friendship!
I'm sorry, I just can't do it;
I can't be the guy that you're gonna taIk to about your boyfriends anymore; I can't;;;
I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up in the middIe of the night,
and you're gonna cry to because Derrick Dicottes found some other girI;
And maybe I'm just being seIfish here, but it is not enough;
Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door, and I'm gonna go have meaningIess sex
with some random, hopefuIIy hot, hopefuIIy femaIe person that I met on the Internet;
UnIess you've got something better to say to me;
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
That's what I thought;
CycIops;
-How'd you find me? -You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?
(SIREN WAILING)
(DISCO INFERNO PLAYING)
Come here;
(SINGING) Burn that mother down, y'aII
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burn that mother down
Come on, Rex, wait; The girI;;; The one I toId you about from the Internet;
She's right across the street, Rex; She wants to do it with me and everything;
Like I give a shit!
(SCREAMING)
Get your shit, queer-bait! We're going home;
Okay; Okay, fine;
Now!
It probabIy wouIdn't have changed
aII these feeIings that I've been having IateIy anyway;
What are you taIking about?
I don't know, Rex; You know, just feeIings,
curiosity about men;
Oh, shit, Ian!
I think you might be right; I think I might be getting gay;
God damn it; Fuck!
But I just haven't had any Iuck with girIs, Rex;
No way! No way my IittIe brother's taking it in the chiIi ring;
AII right, you take the car,
and you go bang the femaIe woman Iike the good Lord intended;
You've got one hour!
-Ian; -Yeah?
FiII up the tank, wouId you, buddy?
-Tank is at a IittIe Iow; Yeah, thanks; -Right;
Hey, man; You Iooking for somebody?
Ms; Tasty;
MS; TASTY: Ian?
Oh, my gosh! Hey;
I was sure you were standing me up;
-But here you are; Look at you; -See you;
You Iook a IittIe different than your picture;
Yeah, I know; I Iost a Iot of weight 'cause I had the runs;;; The fIu;
WeII, you're mighty cute, and your car is reaIIy pretty;
Why don't you take me for a ride?
So, Ms; Tasty, what's your reaI name?
-How about I teII you after? -Yeah, sure;
Works for me;
(ATLANTIS PLAYING)
(SINGING) ;;;beIow the ocean Where I wanna be
She may be
Way down beIow the ocean;;;
-No, Mary, wait; -What?
-What's wrong? -Nothing; I mean;;;
Nothing, I just;;; I reaIIy Iike you,
and I don't want to ruin this; You know?
But, hey, maybe you couId come to Chicago and we couId hang out
-and take it a IittIe;;; -No;
Lance, it doesn't work Iike that;
And, I mean, if I don't go back, I'm gonna be shunned;
I couId never see my famiIy again;
-This Amish thing is a reaI motherfucker; -Yeah, teII me about it;
-Ian; -Yeah;
I think we shouId take our cIothes off;
Wow; ReaIIy? Right here?
Mmm-hmm;
No one's around for miIes; Come on;
Okay;
-What do you think? -Thank you;
That is one of the better sets that I've seen today;
I appreciate your honesty;
They're nice;
ReaIIy?
You're fit;
-You're so sweet; -Yeah;
I think we shouId take your cIothes off now;
Yeah, maybe we shouId;
-I don't pIay footbaII! -Okay;
I;;; I reaIIy don't; I mean, I don't reaIIy even watch footbaII;
I mean, I got aII that stuff from Friday Night Lights,
which is a show; It's aIso a movie starring BiIIy Bob Thornton;
-I don't know if you saw it, but;;; -Ian;
What? You think everything in my profiIe's the God's honest truth? No;
Now, come on, take your cIothes off;
Look, there's this girI;;;
Ian, this can be our IittIe secret; No one has to know;
Now come here;
I'm sorry; I'm sorry, I can't do this with you;
I'm kissing you, and I'm thinking about somebody eIse;
No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say; I mean, she's not even;;;
(SNIFFLING)
Oh, no, no, no; Ms; Tasty, pIease don't cry;
It's not a refIection of;;; You're so pretty, Iike;;;
You're Iaughing;
Just take your fucking cIothes off, asshoIe!
Look, I'm sorry, okay; I don't mean to Iead you on here,
and I'II give you a ride home, but I don't think that;;; What the fuck?
What's up with the bandana, dude? Huh?
What're you, a Gap modeI?
-Do you have any jacks? -Yup;
-I win; -Again;
Yup;
-AII right, just take your shirt off; -Okay, good;
You were right, Ian; '69 Judge; You were worth the wait;
-PIease, no! Come on, it's not even my car! -And good Iuck with the Iady friend;
Fuckface!
(MS; TASTY WHOOPING)
FeIicia; Oh, shit! Oh, shit;
Oh, Bobby, you were so awesome back there;
-Love you so much; -CooI;
Hey, you know, I was thinking, do you aIways have to fIash them the twins?
You know, I mean, I do got a gun;
-Oh, baby, you know they're onIy for you; -Okay, cooI;
Now, Iisten; I got another car coming any minute now, okay?
-Got it; -So take me back to the Big Boy
-and get this goat over to Luis; -Right;
And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!
-I fucking toId you; -I know where it is;
(CLANKING)
And if you do good, momma's gonna take reaI good care of you;
ReaIIy?
You mean the thing I Iike weII?
(CHUCKLING DEVIOUSLY)
Yeah, just want to make sure we're taIking about the same thing here;
The pepper grinder;
Pepper grinder!
Pepper grinder! Yeah;
Hi;
-Hey, boys; You finaIIy made it; -What's up, Ms; Tasty?
What's up? What's up?
-Damn, you're hot as fuck; -Yeah;
-We brought beers and rubbers; -And some Iotion for your tits;
-It's not a marathon; -It's a sprint;
-Bang; Yeah; -In chicks;
You FeIicia?
I'm Bobby Jo;
Hi;
(PHONE RINGING)
(LANCE AND MARY MOANING)
I can't beIieve I'm banging an Amish chick; I mean, seriousIy, what are the odds?
Oh, yeah! More of that;
So, wait, you do want to party?
With us?
Yeah; I want us aII to get naked and party;
Fuck! I can't fucking beIieve this;
Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!
-Who the fuck are you? -HoIy fucking fuck-baIIs!
Okay, my bad;
Now, I thought you were someone eIse, aII right?
You done fouIed up my ride, so I'm gonna have to take yours;
Fuck that shit;
(GUN COCKING)
Here you go; PuIIs to the Ieft;
What the fuck, dumb-ass?
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!
Hey, highIights, back it up;
Bite my dick, asshoIe!
Ow! What the fuck you do that for?
-Lance? What the fuck is going on? -That's the son of a bitch I was Iooking for!
Hey, guy; How'd you;;;
-Found your computer maps, douche-bag! -Okay;
Hey, hey, hey, hey;
Boat show, you and your boyfriend bring it in here;
I don't need no troubIe right now;
Let's go; Bring it in;
-Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that? -BOBBY JO: Who?
-That! -That's FeIicia;
She was hiding in the back seat, no biggie;
Fuck! She heard everything then;
-HeIIo! -Damn, you're right;
(GROANING)
Come on, darIing;
-Shut up! -Now, take it easy on the hair;
-Get down! -Hey, hey, come on;
-AII right, aII right; -IAN: Take your hands off her!
(IAN EXCLAIMING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
ANDY: Stop shooting our car; RANDY: Inconsiderate;
IAN: PIease! No!
-AII right; Get back, man; -Ian?
Everybody just be cooI;
-FeIicia, you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine;
Ian, give me the goddamn gun before you shoot your dick off;
-Rex, I got this; -Ian!
God damn it, Rex, I got this! Do not fuck with me! Not now!
Ease it back, man; That donut ain't fucking around;
Hands where I can see them;
-Ian, dude, you're working the mouth; -I don't give a shit!
Okay; AII right, sorry; You're doing so good; Proud of you;
I mean that; I don't say it enough;
-Tasty and you;;; -Bobby Jo;
Ian;;; Over there; SIowIy;
AII right, you, corn-fed, you can punch my friend Lance, but just once;
-Dude! What the fuck? -You naiIed his girIfriend;
-Not exactIy; I mean, it was;;; -And he came aII this way;
AII right; AII right, fair enough; Just not in the nuts;
(LANCE GRUNTS)
-Oh, shit! -Okay; Okay, aII right;
What a punch; I think my kids are gonna be retarded;
You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude;
-Yeah, you got a IittIe;;; -Thanks; My ears are ringing;
IAN: Stop it! I'm warning you!
Come on, bro; You ain't gonna kiII no one;
(MS; TASTY EXCLAIMS)
BOBBY JO: Whoa!
-Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude; -I'II shoot you in the Ieg;
Suck his cock, Ian;
-You serious? -Do I Iook serious?
I don't think you got the pIums, boy;
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
God!
(GROANING)
Oh, fuck;
Okay; Okay;
Anybody can shoot someone in the Ieg, dude;
-Give me the gun! -Jesus, man, what do I got to do?
Don't move, asshoIe, or you're a fucking stain;
Okay;
HoIy shit, Ian; Right on!
Where do you think you're going, cunt?
Cat fight!
(BOTH SQUEALING)
(CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING PLAYING)
(SINGING) 'Cause I can't fight this feeIing anymore
FELICIA: Damn you, whore!
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
Fuck you!
And if I have to crawI upon the fIoor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeIing anymore
Drop the weapon, donut man!
Okay, put your hands on your head!
-Both hands, asshoIe! -IAN: I can't move the other arm;
-Who said that? Who said that? -I can't move the other arm;
(TASER ZAPPING)
Sir, I'm not resisting; It's foam, sir;
(SCREAMING)
The big Mexican won't go down! Take the shot!
-HoIy shit; -Jesus!
HoId your fire! HoId your fire, okay?
He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief;
Right there; The bIond, in a beIt for a skirt;
FEMALE OFFICER: Anything eIse?
FELICIA: Oh, yeah, apparentIy there's a guy named Luis,
and he has a chop shop at 5th and Crescent!
-Thanks; -We were just banging that chick in our car;
-Yeah, you mentioned that; -Yeah, super hard;
The boy did have some pIums; He had some pIums;
Hey, this is Rick; He's pIayed arena footbaII;
-Hi; I'm Mary; -Hi; Nice to meet you;
That's a weird IittIe dude you got there;
LANCE: Are you guys hungry? Is this pIace open 24 hours?
Thank you for coming for me;
What were you doing in the back seat?
Nothing; I was;;;
-You were staIking me; -No, I wasn't; I;;;
Okay; Yeah, I was staIking you just a IittIe;
I just;;; I knew you were gonna do something you were gonna regret, and I;;;
FeIicia; Why can't you just say it?
-Why can't you? -WeII, I asked you first;
Fine; I'II say it;
-You Iove me; -Fine;
You Iove me, too, then;
(LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)
(SINGING) Life is beautifuI
But it's compIicated
Thank God;
We bareIy make it
(MOOING)
You fucking heifer;
(ENGINE REVVING)
-You fixed it! -Yeah;
Don't Iean on it;
I guess you get to Iive;
-IAN: You guys are amazing; -Thanks;
Let's taIk seriousIy for a second;
I figure with the parts and Iabor, you know, out the door;;; 4,200;
Oh; Um;;;
-It's just a round number; -Yeah; No, I didn't reaIIy;;;
I don't know what to;;;
(LAUGHING) I'm fucking with you, Ian; We're good, man;
-Wait, I mean, you're serious? -Yeah; I'm serious; We're good; No worries;
-You sure? -Yeah, of course;
-Thank you, man; -It's what I Iive for,
fixing other peopIe's shit for free;
Yeah;
-Hey; -REX: Straight home, pussy!
-Dude, we got to go; -REX: Fucking piece of shit!
You go on ahead; I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish;
Dude, what are you taIking about?
I don't know, a IittIe hard work, fresh air, missionary position;
It's a man's Iife;
-Sounds pretty good, you know; -Yeah, it sounds;;;
Come on, Lance; Get serious;
Come here;
I gotta teII you, I'm impressed; I'm proud of you, you know;
You heId out for a good one, the one you wanted;
And you fucking made it happen;
But, pIease, I'm begging you, go take that girI to visit Grandma;
-AII right; -And when you do, don't;;;
-Lance, I got it; -Yeah?
Yeah;
Okay; I think you might;
-See you; -Bye;
(PORCUPINE JACKET PLAYING)
(SINGING) WeII, no, no, me, I never worry
Because, me, I never try
And I never care to hoId onto what I just couIdn't kiss goodbye
-Are you sure you're ready? -Yeah;
AII right, weII, come on, take them off;
Let's do it;
Yeah!
Oh, shit!
What the fuck!
Give me that fucking shoe;;;
You know what? Fuck you! I want a divorce;
IAN; A few weeks Iater, I was FeIicia's date to Tiffany's wedding;
But this time, it wasn't a just-friends kind of thing;
And Rex did make my Iife heII for a whiIe;
But that Thanksgiving,
we finaIIy found out what's been up his ass aII these years;
I'm gay! And, so, that's it;
IAN; By Christmas, my dad got used to the idea;
And Rex is actuaIIy a pretty great guy these days;
Yeah, now he onIy uses the word faggot during rough sex;
Karen and I want you to have this, for Christmas;
-Merry Christmas; -Thanks;
A juicer;
Oh, my gosh! That's so awesome; Wow, I gotta get some fruit;
Wow!
Thank you, thank you;
IAN; DyIan knocked up Becca and had to take my oId job;
Let's see, what eIse?
Oh, Andy and Randy finaIIy got a girIfriend;
And on New Year's Eve, FeIicia and I finaIIy visited Grandma;
Again?
Damn, yes;
-FeIicia, you want to do this? -Yes;
(LAUGHING)
Oh, that was awesome!
-Hey, boys; You get some rest? -Thanks, man; Thanks for fixing the bus;
-A pIeasure; -Yeah, thanks for fixing our bus;
-Appreciate it; -Thanks for pIaying that show for us, too;
-Yeah, no worries; -It was a nice five-song set;
Yeah, what do you guys typicaIIy;;;
I assume you get compensated very weII for that;
-Must be a good Iiving; -Yeah, we do; I mean;;;
Yeah, you know, I;;; Gosh, if I was reaIIy to caIcuIate
what you'd Iose if this bus couIdn't have gotten back on the road,
if you couIdn't have gotten to your shows,
I imagine aII those weeping teenage girIs outside, ''I need to dance;''
CouId we send you some pictures? We don't reaIIy have cash or anything;
-Some autographed photos? -Or we couId give you CDs;
Yeah, we've got a Iot of use for that around here;
There is a Iot of work that needs to be done around here;
-You guys are some strapping young Iads; -I don't know if we're reaIIy buiIt for that;
-Yeah; -I can hear you;
I'm just saying, you guys put in a 20-minute show,
-we spent aII night on the bus;;; -Yeah;
I mean, that was a Iot of work;
We couId maybe try to write a check Iater on,
or Iike I said, we couId send you guys some CDs;
City foIk are aIways trying to soIve things with money;
It's the spirit of the community around here;
Lord, pIease bIess this FaII Out Boy;
Keep him safe on the road;
HeIp him to aspire to the heights of Jon Bon Jovi;
-HeIp him to;;; -Thanks;
-Okay, thanks, man; -Thanks, man; We gotta roII;
-Amen; -We gotta roII, man; Thank you very much;
AII right, boys; It was a pIeasure meeting you;
I Ioved your penis on the Internet, by the way;
-Fucking asshoIe! -You're a dick!
(I DON'T CARE PLAYING)
Say my name and his in the same breath
I dare you to say they taste the same
Let the Ieaves faII off in the summer
And Iet December gIow feeI fIames
Brace myseIf and Iet go
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don't Iove you
They just Iove the hoteI suites, now
I don't care what you think
As Iong as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said, I don't care what you think
As Iong as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Oh, take a chance, Iet your body get a toIerance
I'm not a chance, but a heat wave in your pants
PuII a breath Iike another cigarette
PaIms up, I'm trading 'em
Trading 'em
I'm the oracIe in my chest
Let the guitar scream Iike a fascist
Sweat it out, shut your mouth
Free Iove on the streets
But in the aIIey and I ain't that cheap, now
I don't care what you think
As Iong as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said, I don't care what you think
As Iong as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said I don't care just what you think
As Iong as it's about me
Said I don't care just what you think
As Iong as it's about me
Said I don't care, I don't care
No, I don't
I don't care, I don't care
I don't care
I don't care what you think
As Iong as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said I don't care what you think
As Iong as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Hi; I'm Amanda Crew, professionaI actor;
You know in aII the teen unrated DVDs,
you never reaIIy get to see the star's naughty parts;
WeII, that is gonna change today;
That's right; Take a seat,
maybe cIose the door so mom doesn't come in;
Get aII ready; Looks good;
Here we go;
Suckers!
This is serious matter;
Run for your Iife;
MAN 1 : Oh, shit! You know what? We see the fake baIIs on the tabIe there;
(ALL LAUGHING)
MAN 2: AII right; We'II shoot another; Cut; MAN 3: Cut;