How many stars sparkle in the sky?
Ever tried counting them?
It would take 6,000 years to count those in our galaxy alone
How many such galaxies exist?
Scientists reckon two billion more
Isn't it possible that amongst these billions of celestial bodies
a planet with people like us exists?
As we explore space looking for them,
couldn't they be coming here, looking for us?
Hindi pop song
What the thief stole was the gadget to recall his spaceship
Without this remote he could not return home
He neither knew our language, nor had a friend here
Alone, anguished, his only thought was...
...how will I return home?
On the pathway of Time Life is but a brief flame
In its luminous mist We wish, we dream, we exist
But on a beautiful bend
A stranger may we meet
Life after life
Whose memory may persist
Extra ticket. Anyone extra ticket?
- Yes sir... - I'll take it!
Sorry, I raised my hand first
But I called out first
I'm a big fan of Mr Bachchan, the poet
I'm a bigger fan of his son, the actor
From age ten, I know all his poems. Fully memorized
From age five, I know his son's dialogues - without memorizing
Hello, who wants it?
Give me. Poetry's not his cup of tea
€100
€100 for a €40 ticket? Black market of poetry!
Queued up six long hours for this
Time is money
- Go for the dialogues. - All yours. Ladies first
Just a sec! Why not split the ticket?
1st half you enjoy the poetry. 2nd half I'll savor the acting
That's a damn good idea!
10, 20, 30, 40
50 more
- 96 - 96
€96. How about a discount? We're from the same country
Hail India, bro!
Long live motherland! €100
Extra ticket. Anyone extra ticket?
Sir!
Can I borrow €4? Please!
Keep my watch till I repay
Please, Sir, it's the last ticket
Show is sold out, child. No tickets left
There is one left with that black marketer
Scoundrel! Giving India a bad name
So true!
Wait here. I'll get you that ticket
OK, Sir
Thank you
Yes!
- Sir! - Do I know you?
Where's my ticket?
Ticket? Yours for €100
You bloody cheat!
Decaying dacoit! Senile snake! Capitalist!
Mind your language!
Mind your coat first!
- Now enjoy the show! - Security!
- Wrinkled wreck! - Security!
Let's get outta here
I'll get you for this!
Don't chase me... catch him!
Oldies these days! It's a spoilt generation!
Forget it
How can I?
That bandit basks in poetry and here I am
Drop it
Why pine for the party that shuns us?
Follow the moment that beckons us
I too dabble in poetry
It's nice. Go on
No. If I go on, you'll propose to me
- You crazy? - I mean it!
Your favorite poet, senior Mr Bachchan
met a lady one morning, wooed her with verse
By dusk they were married. So I've read
Really?
And boy! Look what they produced -
Amitabh Bachchan - the great actor
Jaggu
Jaggu?
My name
Papa named me Jagat Janani: world's mother
I got mocked at school so I shortened it - Jaggu
- From Mumbai? - No. Delhi
I'm studying TV production
And you?
Sarfaraz. I study architecture
and work part time at the Pakistan Embassy
Pakistan Embassy? Why?
Well, I'm from Pakistan
Unlikely the Indian Embassy will employ me!
What's wrong?
Nothing
My being from Pakistan perturbs you?
Alright then
Goodbye
Ask not my name, nor my country
From bondage of borders break free
A few steps on this brief journey
Come, just walk with me
Ask not my name, nor my country
From bondage of borders break free
A few steps on this brief journey
Come, just walk with me
Past the realms of word and speech
Hand in hand, nowhere to reach
A few steps on this brief journey
Come, just walk with me
Past the realms of word and speech
Hand in hand, nowhere to reach
A few steps on this brief journey
Come, just walk with me
If the sun scorches the pathway
A carpet of shade will I lay
if darkness fills you with dismay
I'll conjure up a moon in the sky
If dejection fills up your day
With laughter I'll shoo it away
Laughing, frolicking, humming a song
Together we shall walk along
With you, my fellow traveller
Nothing in this world I fear
Why a few steps, a whole lifelong
With you I'll walk along
Past the realms of word and speech
Hand in hand, nowhere to reach
A few steps on this brief journey
Come, just walk with me
- Thank you - Thank you
Mom!
Papa!
She's fallen in love!
Fallen in love?
He's so cute!
More photos please!
What's his job? What's his family like?
Calm down Mom. I'll tell you
First, the name
Sarfaraz
Muslim?
Yes. Studies architecture. Family is in Pakistan
Pakistan! Which Pakistan?
There's just one Pakistan, Mom
You'll wear burkhas?
Read the Quran? Have you gone mad?
Don't you disconnect. Stay put
Start the car
All's doomed, Your Holiness. Help!
I knew exactly where Papa was headed
Since childhood one face had surrounded us: His Holiness
Bye Mom
From bags to bathroom walls,
he was omnipresent
Even for a root canal he would set the auspicious time
He had gifted Papa a God box with a deity for every task
Goddess of Wealth for the stock market
God of Health for workouts
Web-based worship and sacred sweets by courier
were his innovations
Hail, Your Holiness
Touch his feet Jaggu
Why this fatal infatuation?
Pick up a pen and write
God
Enlighten me
Yes...
Your wish is our command
Write down the prophecy
This Pakistani boy,
Sarfaraz,
will betray you
I know he won't
History stands witness: these people scheme and betray
He will pursue carnal pleasures
But will never marry you. He'll vanish
Come home now! One more night there, and you're dead to us
Mr Sahni, I'll talk to her
Child, hit the delete button
Banish him from your system
Hello!
What happened?
Do you love me?
Of course I do. Why?
- Will you marry me? - What's the matter?
Yes or no, Sarfaraz?
- Yes, but... - Tomorrow
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow we get married
His prophecy is wrong. I'll prove it
Mr James Herrick and Miss Oprah Brown, you're next
- James isn't here, yet. - Oh, talk to the registrar
Could you just hold this please?
- Yes of course. - Thank you
Hello...
This is for you
- For me? - Yeah
Thank you
It was from Sarfaraz
He said: marriage isn't just between individuals, but families
Our faiths, countries, cultures are different
We can never be happy if our families are unhappy
Don't try to contact me
I'm sorry
Where to go young lady?
New Delhi
I came back to my city, but my parents refused to see me
I joined a news channel as a reporter
Today's story: a depressed dog
That's our breaking news!
Some days we had news, some days we fabricated it
Missing: God
If found, contact Tipsy
There's a story in this man. I'll see you at office
Don't be late!
Excuse me?
Why are you handing these out?
I have a case pending with Him
He neither solves it, nor meets me
My life is kaput
He's gone into hiding
Have you seen Him around?
No
Hail Goddess, Hail Holy Mother
By the way, what's with the helmet?
Got the idea from taxi-tops
Yellow yells out from miles
Taxis are spotted easily in traffic
- So? - So God can spot me easy!
How else will he spot me in this crowd?
A bit to your left - perfect!
Ok, background?
Cue .1899“
They say animals are not suicidal
Here's Nikku. Mr Sweetie Singh's dog
Nikku has attempted suicide thrice
Jumping off a roof, licking sleeping pills, hopping onto a gas burner
What's wrong with Nikku?
Is Nikku prey to a mental problem?
Is Nikku...
What's wrong Jaggu?
What is this shit, Mitu?
Our chat with famed industrialist Mr Ratan continues
right after this break
Going well, Ratan? Some coffee?
Get him some coffee
- Cherry... - Oh no!
What's your guess? This dog has depression, anxiety disorder,
schizophrenia, or ADHD?
Whatever, why would I care?
Exactly
Why would anyone care? Then why do we air such bull?
What would you rather air?
Hold him please
See this?
I met a guy distributing these pamphlets
- He is searching for God. - Found Him?
No... but
Searching for God - that's religion. Finding God - that's news
If he finds God, get him. I'll put him on air
You know the Company policy
No news on religion, no news on God. Finished
Man, you've changed!
Where's the fighter, Cherry Bajwa?
You wanna see the fighter?
Take a good look
There are three marks here
These aren't birthmarks
I ran a show against His Holiness, your Dad's Guru
His devotees shoved a trident right here in my bum
Anchor coming to you in 10 seconds
That day I swore - if you want to live in this country
don't mess with religion. That's it
- I've got a show to run now. - 5... 4...
3...
2...
1...
Welcome back from the break
We were chatting with famed industrialist Mr Ratan...
The boss killed my story
But it came back to life two weeks later
[DONATION BOX]
Stop! Thief!
He's stealing from the donation box!
Don't let him go!
Lifting from the donation box, you fool?
Yes
He's no thief!
While donating my wallet fell in the box
He was getting it out for me
Trust me
Check for yourself. It has Rs 5,000 in it
- That's mine! - It was
Once in the box, it's donated
Now, it's God's. Let them go
Dude, what the hell were you up to?
Claiming my refund
God took His fee but didn't deliver
Hang on...
I saw you fish out some money, then put some back in
I took back what I'd paid at this branch. Returned the rest
You used to wear beads and amulets?
Rejected. Gone for good
Why the stickers then?
Self-defense!
God pics on walls - prevent peeing
on face - prevent punches
Mitu, where are you?
Pick me up. I've no money to get home
I'll fill you in later
I'm at Mudrika, outside the temple
Hurry. Thanks, bye
Here you go
- For what? - For the ride home
When someone can't get home, I feel sad
- Wait. - That's all I had
I can't accept this
- Why? - Won't you need it to get home?
Money can't get me home
Why? Where do you live?
In the step-well ruins
But in this rainy season, I check into a lock-up
Lock-up! As in police lock-up?
There are 122 in the city. I yo-yo between them
And they let you check in, like a hotel?
Come. I'll give you a demo
[Sign: DO NOT URINATE HERE]
Just watch!
[Sign: DO NOT URINATE HERE]
Hey, copper - look here proper!
I'll show you proper!
Jaggu!
We have to follow that van
- Who are we chasing? - A story
Gimme your wallet. I need cash
Hurry! Thanks. Bye
Excuse me?
Yes?
I want to go inside the lock-up
Why?
To meet that guy
You think this is the local coffee joint, huh?
Saunter in and chillax with your buddies?
This is a lock-up, get it?
Only offenders get in
Bribing is an offence!
That's why I'm committing it!
I can lock you in
Please do... ASAP!
- Thank you, Mr Pandey. - One hour, that's it
Hi
I want your story. Will you share it?
Why?
I'm a TV reporter. It's my job
- Go on, ask. - Awesome!
Your name?
Don't have a name
They call me Tipsy here. Beats me why
And what do you do?
I'm an astronaut
Astronaut!
Those who shoot off to the moon?
Been there once. It's kaput
Sure!
So what's your favorite planet?
- My own. - I meant besides Earth?
Earth is mega-kaput
I meant my own planet
It'll show up there at night
We went bananas,
when we found another planet with people like us
I was sent here on a research mission
Boy, what a welcome I got!
My remote got robbed
Without it, I can't signal my people
and without a signal they won't come for me
They'll think it's a perilous planet
That I'm dead as a dodo
Hello!
- Listen... - What?
Let me out. I want to go home
Your Highness, convicts don't decide that. Cops do
I'm not a thief
So say all the thieves
Where's officer Pandey?
Out on his rounds
Officer Pandey!
Shut up, or you get a knuckle sandwich
You think I'm talking baloney?
Obviously!
Is Hindi the official language of your planet?
On our planet...
...there's no language!
We read minds. There's no confusion
Here, you utter something and mean something else
A two-letter word can have four different meanings
When you nod and say "oh", it means "Oh, that's cool"
When your eyes pop out, "oh!" means bad news
"Your mother-in-law is moving in." "Oh!"
When angry, you thunder
"Oh! You'll pay for that blunder!"
And when your thought is deep, your "oh" is long!
"Ohhhhhhh! I see!"
As you hear the words, you gotta watch the expression
to get the real meaning
It's torture! Took full 6 hours to learn Hindi
A whole language in 6 hours?
No one let me hold hands
Finally, a nice lady lent her hand
I held it and transferred her language into my system
Man, there's no limit to your whoppers!
Is your hand a USB cable,
that transfers files between computers?
And your clothes? Are faded jeans the rage on your planet too?
Noooo!
On our planet...
...no one wears clothes. There we go bare
Here, at first I thought
your skins were different from ours
Some had sparkly hides,
some jet black
Some hides were colorful, some white
Some hides sticky-tight, some baggy
Then one day I found a car
A dancing car
That day I realized our skins were the same
but yours are covered with a thing called fashion
Radio Commercial
Now I could mingle
Yet I was mocked
Look here - half man, half woman!
Slowly I got it
There's man - fashion and woman - fashion
There was day fashion...
...and night fashion
Sporting fashion...
...and sewing fashion
With the clothes, I found some photos
It hit me - these photos meant survival
You could swap them for food
So I built a portfolio of this old man's photos
What's this?
What are these for?
Why are you giving me this junk?
Right! Now we're talking!
Here you go
I got it: this photo had value on just one kind of paper
On any other paper, it was worthless
For cash and clothes, dancing cars were widely available
They were my bank, they were my tailor!
Once, I got such magnetic attire
that no photos were needed
Food was pulled to me
For you, Sir
Now, to find my remote, I had to learn this planet's language
Without it, every task was a trial
Like telling this gentleman
there was a defect in his fashion
I felt I had spoilt his fashion
So I put it back where it was
[Radio Announcement]
Found him on the road
Some scumbag hit him and bolted
Seems pretty okay,
but isn't responding
Has his eardrum called it a day?
Are you deaf?
Can hear alright, but isn't talking
Seems in a state of shock
Memory loss, I'm afraid
Remember the scumbag who hit you?
Remember the license plate?
Remember anything at all?
Come my friend. Come with me
Be my guest till you get your memory back
Keep slamming your head
One knock took your memory away, another might bring it back
Seen it in the movies
To figure what he was yapping about,
I had to hold his hand and transfer his language
Hey!
With memory loss your gender sense went for a toss?
Wait a moment...
See this - my license
Sex: MALE
Man...
rogue, rascal, scumbag
To return home I had to hold someone's hand
Here comes my zany guest
Can't tell guy from gal Happily hits on all
Here comes my zany guest
Can't tell guy from gal Happily hits on all
Your frantic antics if not stilled, will surely get me killed!
Don't be a scourge Do curb your urge
Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad
Tourist in tacky gear are you from near or far
From Mumbai, Madrid or Madagascar
Tourist in tacky gear are you from near or far
From Mumbai, Madrid or Madagascar
What was your name at school Was it nerdy or was it cool?
What's the zip code Of your abode
Did you alight from a cloud Or sprout from underground
Your frantic antics if not stilled, will surely get me killed!
Don't be a scourge Do curb your urge
Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad
This memory loss is a blessing
Feuds forgotten lenders left guessing
Lovable lad
Innocent lad
Don't be a scourge Do curb your urge
Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad
Here comes the lusty lad!
Here comes the lusty lad My guest with this crazy fad
I feel your pain, bro
But don't go grabbing hands
You may end up in bed, but most likely a hospital bed
Don't give up, I know place for you
Hand, foot - hold whatever
No one will bash you here
Come
What a neighborhood! Virtuous, welcoming women
All reaching for my hand, inviting me home
Here I met a serene and gentle woman, Pepper
Pepper, take him to the honeymoon suite
Pepper sat patiently all night
For full 6 hours, I transferred her language files
ABC - XYZ, I drew in everything
First time? Kaput before you kicked off?
Y... y... yes!
Where are you from?
Far, far away
From an unheard of village
But you speak my lingo!
Because I learned it from you, Sister
Sister! You think this is a convent? Out!
Bro!
Bro, wake up!
Bro!
You're talking!
Bro, I need your help
Pepper cleared up your throat!
Bro, come with me quick
Memory and making out have a direct connection!
Update the docs: get laid, get well!
It's urgent, bro!
Okay, let's go
Stop... stop!
Stop, bro!
The jerk robbed me right here
I need my chain, bro. I must get it back
- Precious? - It's priceless!
The thief must be a local
But he'll sell the loot in Delhi
If he sold pricey stuff here, he'd get caught
Then I must go
Where?
Delhi
- Officer! - Yeah?
- My remote control is stolen. - Are you tipsy?
Expect the police force to track your TV remote?
- It's not a TV remote! - Then?
Can't tell you. But it's like a chain
Really precious
- Where was it stolen? - In Mandawa
And you're searching in Delhi, you idiot?
The thief came to Delhi
- So? - So where's the thief?
Blockhead! It's a city of 15 million
Police are human, not God
Only God can help you
Surrender to God, you'll succeed
Only God knows
Ask God, not me!
Trust in God, my child
Who was this God chap? All said only He could help
What I saw blew my mind
Earthlings had figured out who had manufactured them!
Their creator lived with them. He had millions of houses
Earthlings took their problems to Him, which He solved for a small fee
My planet had no such facility
I could not believe it! So decided to test it
One take-away God
Which one? Rs 20, 50, 100, 500?
Any difference? In the Rs 20 and Rs 500 ones?
Just the size. Otherwise ditto
Rs 20 God is equally efficient?
OK, gimme Rs 15! Nothing less
God, I am famished. Get me some food please
I went bananas
God actually worked! Now I could go home
God, my remote is stolen
Please find it. I want to go home
God's battery died. Worked once, then kaput
What do you mean?
Stick a new battery in. Where does it go?
- It needs no battery. - Then why is it off?
- Manufacturing defect? - I make no defective stuff
- You made this God? - Of course! With my own hands
You made God, or God made you?
He made us all- I only make His statues
Why the statues?
To worship Him. To voice our problems
ls there a transmitter inside? How can He hear us?
God needs no transmitter. He hears directly
Directly? Then why the statue?
What's with him?
Want to bust my business? What's your problem?
My remote is stolen, Sir
I'm requesting God. But He doesn't reply
. Are you tipsy? - Meaning?
You're overloading this pint-sized God
His itty-bitty feet can't chase the thief
Bother the big God inside the temple
He'll run fast
Offer Him coconut and money - He'll deliver
That'll be Rs 200
Earthlings waited with fees to get their work done
Full 2 hours later I got the appointment
God,
please get my remote back
- Where is it? - Move!
Wait, He didn't deliver my stuff
He didn't deliver! See, I paid His fee
- Your work will be done. - But when?
Can't say when, but it will be done
- Move on. - But when will I get it?
Don't block the line, scram!
If I scram, someone else may get it
Are you tipsy?
Lady, please! Where will I get my stuff?
At the mental hospital!
What? Cash here, delivery at mental hospital!
- Throw him out! - OK, give me a receipt
Cut!
Without a receipt how do I claim my delivery?
Get out!
But my remote?
Leave!
I can't find my shoes
Someone's taken them. Now you take your pick
Rotation is routine at temples
He took the payment, didn't deliver
What's his name?
- They call Him God - Real name?
No idea
Where does he live?
In that temple
- You handed him the cash? - No. Put it in His box
- Said he'd do the job? - He says nothing
Is he mute?
Perhaps... maybe
Oh...
Describe him
Ditto
But a bigger chap
Come near...
Are you tipsy?
Yes. How do you all know?
Think I'm a jackass? 20 years a cop!
Who's tipsy who's not I can tell in a snap
Frisk him
Let me have a look
Dr D'Mello...
Doc, why get so buzzed you forget your faith?
Mistook temple for a church! Wanna rouse a riot?
Go to church. To your own God
Church?
Get out of here
My stuff! My remote!
God was crucified for your sins. Ungrateful man!
Crucified! When?
2,000 years ago. For your sins!
What did I do? I just got here
Are you tipsy? Yes!
God is watching you. Behave
Where?
Where is God?
What's in the mug?
Wine
Wine! Now I got it!
God was bored of coconut water
Now He preferred wine. But wine was expensive
So I had to muster money
I got some from the dancing car, some from a gentleman
who held out a bowl of dole everyday
You could withdraw as per need
[Radio Announcement]
Sir, any God house around here?
Right there
Preacher, let me drink in God's abode
Or show me a place where there is no God
Stop! What's that?
Wine, for God
Where is He?
This lady looked very sad
To know why, I grabbed her hand
Hitting on a widow, you lech!
Widow? How do you know?
Don't you see she's clad in white?
Is everything fine?
Everything is fine.
Just relax. Smile.
So sorry your husband's dead
- What? - When?
How do I know? You are clad in white
Brides wear white!
No, widows wear white
Widows wear black, stupid!
Now don't stress her out. Go!
All three lost your husbands?
I'm alive you moron! Want a whack?
After many whacks, I learnt
there wasn't one God. There were many Gods
Each with His own set of rules
Each God had floated His own Company
They called it religion
Each Company had its own agents
All Earthlings belonged to some religion
and followed the God of that religion alone
What was my religion, who was my God?
To find the remote I had to know my God
What are you doing?
Where is the label?
What label?
The Religion label
How do you know which Company he belongs to?
Where does God label them?
Security!
Finding my religion was tough
So I decided to worship all Gods
One of them would be my God, who'd help me
It's You who governs The world I hear
Do listen to my plea My home beckons me
God where are You
Tell me where are You
You guide back to sanity Those who've lost their way
I too am completely lost Guide me too, I pray
God where are You
Tell me where are You
Shall I worship You in temples
In mosques do my faith I show
Or to a gurudwara would You like me to go
Temples and churches, I looked everywhere
My hope now, has turned to despair
Not a single ritual Did I ever flout
Like millions around I submit without a doubt
God where are You
Tell me where are You
You have many names And many faces too
I've walked each of the myriad paths which lead to You
In no shrine did I find You
What else should I do To find you give a clue
I blindly follow and With reverence treasure
Your every whim and fancy In more than ample measure
God where are you
Tell me where are you
God where are you
Tell me where are you
God - I'm all confused
What's my fault? Why can't my voice reach you?
Understand my plight
Give me some guidance
Please
Shall I talk to you with hands clasped,
or on bent knees, head to the ground?
Do I wake you with temple bells?
Or call out on a loudspeaker?
The Geeta, the Quran, the Bible - what do I read?
Your different managers say different things
Some insist fast on Monday, others urge on Tuesday
Some forbid food after sunset, some after sunrise
Some say, worship the cow. Others say slaughter her
Some send me barefoot to the temple, some wearing shoes to the church
What is right, what is wrong
I am clueless
I'm at breaking point
I want to go home
I'll do whatever you ask. Just get me home
Please
Say something
At least one of you...
...give me some answer
Please
Missing: God
Why the lock man?
I gotcha today
Open! It's my entry!
Lord Shiva, slayer of sins
who fears none
Security! Who are you?
Don't you recognize me?
I'm Tipsy!
Where the hell is security?
Do I perform for boozards in the toilet?
Unlock that door now!
My remote first!
- What remote? - Of my spaceship
space... ship?
Memory loss? For the zillionth time,
I'm not from here. I'm from a far off planet
Scooch!
Gimme my remote, and I go home. Got it?
Brother let me go. I've little kids at home
I know! You fathered two Gods
Both are centuries old. They can be home alone
First my remote, then your family reunion
Oh God, save me please...
There's a God above you too?
Lord Shiva, help
Where?
Now presenting the dance of Shiva, the fearless
Help!
Hail Lord Shiva
I was meditating on the snowy peaks of the Himalayas
when, suddenly - light!
Dazzling light!
It came from a bead lying in the snow
I shut my eyes and invoked God
Next moment, I was connected
I said, "God, enlighten me,"
What is this miraculous object,
that is warm even in this biting cold?
God said,
it's a divine bead from Lord Shiva's necklace
Take it and enshrine it in a grand temple
Sighting this bead will heal all suffering
Hail Lord Shiva
Are you ready for the sighting?
The divine bead from Lord Shiva's necklace!
Hail Lord Shiva
Stop.
Let him through. He's awed by the sight
Come. - Hail Lord Shiva
Not there child. Come here
Express your ecstasy
Hail Lord Shiva
God, where are you? Please step out,
I want to thank you
He's right here
I met Him in the toilet
I asked for my property and He bolted
I thought He vamoosed
But no! He led me to my property
Hail Lord Shiva
This isn't Lord Shiva's bead
It's my property, misdelivered to you
Your bead must be misdelivered too
Ask God, He is right here. God, do step forward, clarify
Anyway, I'll take my property
That's mine! Why're you stopping me?
Hail Lord Shiva
Since when have you felt you're from another planet?
Listen. You need to see a psychiatrist
Time up! Rs 500 can buy only this much jail time
Here's my card
My number's on it. I'll get you an appointment if you wish
Feel free to call. Okay?
Take care
Thank you officer Pandey
You don't believe my story?
Then go back to the suicidal dog, Nikku
That's the story for you
I need to go back in for 2 minutes
Quit these entry - exits
Another Rs 500, he's all yours
When did I mention Nikku, the suicidal dog?
You didn't
So how do you know?
When you held my hands, I read your thoughts
You thought: this story is dead
I got to live with the Nikku story
Don't lie! I must have mentioned it
I cannot lie. Lies need language
On our planet we hold hands, read minds
- Gimme your hand. - No way
- Try it... - Help me, son
My wife's ill. Hospital wants a deposit of Rs 10,000
I'm Rs 500 short. If you can help...
I'll give you
Here
Give your address. I'll courier a check
Courier can't reach my home. Please keep it
Thank you
Sir...
Here's another Rs 100. For the tip
Bless you
Confirmed. You are no mind reader
You got conned. There is no hospital around here
I know!
He's gifting his wife a five star dinner
It's her 75th birthday
She'd never been to a fancy place
He's been saving from his pension for months
She ordered ice-cream and his budget went kaput
With a restroom excuse, he ran out for some bucks
Another yarn!
On our planet, we don't lie
Anyway, it's up to you
- Here. - Thank you Sir
One moment. Tip him
Why hold back - it's your birthday!
Thank you
Address: Step-well ruins
I told you. On my planet, we don't lie
Hope you haven't told anyone...
...that you're an alien?
No way!
They'd lock me in a lab, and rip me up for research!
How come you told me?
Ever since I set foot on this planet
everyone has taken money from me
You were the first to give it up for me - dumping Rs 5,000 in a box
I thought you are a good egg. I could trust you
I'll get your remote back, Tipsy
How?
I haven't figured it out yet, but you'll go back home
That's my promise
What are you goggling at?
You
Aliens don't drop by everyday
Everyone on your planet has stick-out ears?
Yup, ditto
And they roam around naked? Isn't it weird?
That crow is naked - does he look weird?
If he dons a tie, he'd look weird
Tipsy, I was awake all night...
...thinking how to get your remote back
Hello
Connect to Balbir Singh. Room No. 4
Wrong number
Isn't this Fortis Hospital?
Since yesterday you've been dialing this wrong number
Impossible! I can't be wrong every time!
So how do we get the remote?
Connect to Balbir Singh. Room No. 4
Sorry, Sir. You've called too late
Balbir died this morning
Huh! How can a piles surgery be fatal?
Embarrassing, but don't worry
Death Certificate will say heart attack
so the family saves face
- Come for the body. - On my way
Ok, bye
Why did you say that?
Doling out joy
When he finds his friend alive, imagine his joy!
What!
I was sick of his calls. So I played a prank
- A prank? - Tipsy, I was just kidding!
I sot it!
Someone is playing pranks
When His Holiness dials God,
cocking his head, 'God, enlighten me',
his calls are going to a Wrong Number
Someone out there plays pranks
The real God won't call my remote a bead
Looks like the phone lines to God have gone kaput
All calls to God are going to a Wrong Number!
As in?
Think - would the real God give such weird solutions?
Like - come rolling to me, then I'll help you!
Aren't we God's children?
Would a father make his kids roll for help?
Your Dad ever said - kiddo, want a new dress? Start rolling!
Another prank - bathe me with cow's milk! What bull!
And if these calls went to the real God, what would He say?
He'd say - millions of my children are starving on streets
Give them milk. Don't give me a lactose shower
I'm sure someone's playing pranks, like you just did
Tipsy thought His Holiness was a victim of pranks
I didn't clear his confusion
for a crazy idea was forming in my head
An idea that would get back Tipsy's remote
Who's this Tipsy?
That's a mystery
But the way he sees this world is unique
- As in? - If he saw you smoking,
he'd call the cops to say you're attempting suicide
Why?
The pack says 'Smoking Kills' yet you puff away
So what's the big idea?
Face-off
Between Tipsy and His Holiness.
We'll take the face-off to TV
Ratings will go through the roof!
I have three trident marks on my right bum
You want three more on my left for balance?
Don't worry
Tipsy won't fight His Holiness but gently explain, that...
...his calls to God are going to a Wrong Number
His Holiness will be stumped
Cherry!
Tipsy's here. Just meet him once
I bet his queries will baffle you
Trust me. Please!
Excuse me, you dropped this
Oh, thank you
That's not mine
Kamasutra condoms, strawberry flavor
I hate strawberries, man. Ask these guys
It's not mine. Buzzed bozo!
- Ma'am, yours? - How dare you!
- Check your purse if it's missing. - Shameless lad!
- Has to be yours. - No, not mine
Tipsy, it's his
Ask him all you want to know about it. Come on in
What's this?
It's a condom
- What does it do? - Controls the world's population
How?
It has to be worn while having sex
How does your wearing it control the world's population?
Not just me... millions wear it
They all borrow it from you?
No. Everyone has it
- I've a question - Go on Tipsy, shoot
If money is dropped, all run for it
If a condom is dropped, all run away from it. Why?
Sex is a very private matter
Why?
You don't tell the whole town - I'm having sex today
But, then at weddings, with fireworks and music bands
why do they tell the whole town - I'm having sex today?
What's the matter?
I have no answer for you but I have a job for you
Thank you!
Let's beat it before he changes his mind
Shield your holy bum, Your Holiness
My trident is on its way
At this place His Holiness connects his devotees to God
for solutions to their woes
Listen carefully to his calls
If you think the calls are going to a Wrong Number, alert him
- Will that get me my remote? - Once he realises...
...the bead story is a prank he'll return your remote
Good plan. Let's go
To build a home for someone is a holy deed
To build a home for God is the holiest deed
So donate for the temple
And see your woes flee
Son, voice your woe
Your Holiness,
my wife's been paralyzed for six months
The doctors have given up. What shall I...
God
Enlighten me
Yes...
What place?
What transport?
Your wish is our command
Have you heard of the Rathong glacier?
No
It's in the Himalayas. Take a train to Silliguri
then a bus to Gangtok
then an eight day trek
You'll reach a grand temple
Pray there, your problem will be solved
Wrong Number! This is a Wrong Number!
- What? - Wrong Number
Your Holiness, your phone line to God has gone kaput
Your calls are going to a Wrong Number
and a fake God is playing pranks
What are you trying to say?
I'll explain. Aren't we God's children?
Yes, so?
Say your kid's in a jam and comes to you
Will you help promptly, or will you say
kiddo, I've another house 2,000 miles away
Come there, tell me the same problem again
Then I'll solve it. What bull!
If the call went to real God, He'd say: Son, tend to your ailing wife,
don't run after me
after death you'll come to me anyway
give her your time now. Right?
I can prove it's a prank
Call this fake God again and ask
What's the guarantee she will get well
Sir, till you get it in writing, don't leave her side
Just call, and clear all doubt
It's time for His Holiness' holy silence
Praise be to God Glory be to God
This fake God is passing off my property as a holy bead
He's playing a prank
He is no God. He is a fraud
He is a FRAUD
God doesn't talk to us mortals
He communicates through His managers
- Tipsy has raised a big question. - What?
Is God really talking to the managers?
No
So where do the commands for us come from?
- From a Wrong Number! - So what should the public do?
Till phone lines are fixed, don't depend on God's managers
Help each other in difficult times
A great tip from Tipsy: Don't rely on God's managers
Rely on each other
Hail Lord Shiva
Tipsy says don't make the temple, the bead belongs to him
What's in your pocket?
- Do you smoke? - Yes
- You consume alcohol? - Occasionally
You smoke cigarettes, consume alcohol
despite knowing their fatal effects
Governments permit these poisons,
factories manufacture them, stores sell them
Nobody questions this
But in this sacred land of Lord Ram and Krishna
if I wish to build a temple
why these questions?
Why not question the man who is trying to stall this temple?
Who's this Tipsy?
What's his real name?
Why's he hiding it? Is he a Muslim?
If question you must, go ask Tipsy
what is his religion?
Find out his religion, Find out his faith
Centuries ago, Mohammad of Ghazni
came and destroyed our temples
Today another invader wants to repeat history
But we won't allow...
Your God asks my religion. Let's ask Him...
...the religions of these people
- What nonsense? - Call up your God!
Why bother God? I'll tell you
This one is a Hindu. He's a Christian...
...Sikh, Jain and...
...that one is of your religion
Enlighten him
Hello. I'm Sikh
Greetings. I'm Muslim
I'm Jain
Hi, I'm Christian
Hello! I'm Hindu
Bamboozled!
I swapped their robes. Get it?
Faith is connected to fashion
Want a demo? Check the math
Beard + moustache + turban = Sikh
Minus turban = Hindu
Minus moustache = Muslim!
This difference is made by the fake God
If real God wanted it, He'd put a label on us
- ls there a label on your body? - Mine?
Don't gape, strip and check!
Why be coy?
Strip everyone, show His Holiness. Is there any label?
Cut the coyness. OK, I'll go first
See the bare facts
ls there a label?
Nothing! You see!
Check some more...
Remove this ruffian
Hey! I'm proving a point
Start the chants!
Praise be to God Glory be to God
That's no divine bead
Jaggu!
Stop this farce!
Papa!
You were all of 40 days, when His Holiness christened you
Remember, he who gives you a name, can ruin it too
He named me Jagat Janani
How can he ruin it further?
You! Name your price
Papa!
Trying to scare His Holiness to extort money
No, no
You'll burn in Hell! Fear the wrath of God!
Thank you Papa! Thank you
I'd solved only half the puzzle. You pieced it together
Fear is the key
The prankster is cashing in on fear. Get it?
Not exactly, but can you explain to Papa?
You bet! I can prove it. Follow me
I don't have time for this nonsense
If it turns out to be nonsense, I'll call off the show
Exams are on at this college. The students are scared stiff
Now, we'll establish our business - The Fear Factory
Machine installed
A little seed capital
Now the inauguration
Just watch! Capital doubles in 15 minutes
Look there
The first customer!
Tea... piping hot tea
Check the investment of the tea vendor
Kettle, tea, sugar, bike, thermos
And here - a rock and a red mark
Hot and piping tea...
There, you gotta woo the clients
Here you shoo them away
Hey, scram. Give others a chance
There you bow before the customer
Here the customer bows before you
If he's in deep trouble, he goes horizontal
The Wrong Number guy trades in fear
He knows - those in dread to the temple head
You too seem afraid! Off with these...
Do not question religion
It's a matter of faith!
If God didn't want us to raise questions
He wouldn't give us the power to reason
Guardians of religion use violence when they can't answer us
They scare us into silence. But now we won't be silent
So far one Tipsy raised questions. Now there'll be a thousand
Friends, pick up your phones
When you spot a Wrong Number, shoot it and send it to us
We'll put it on TV
Dump your fear, ask questions
Holy Sir!
One question
If you can conjure gold from thin air
why don't you end the nation's poverty?
Answer please
Holy Sir!
Since you're a walking gold mine, why ask us for donations?
God is great!
This is a Wrong Number
- Jaggu... come with me - Cherry give me a moment
Come with me
The Wrong Number idea is a national rage
- What! - It's spread like wild fire
Guru says - to land a job, feed a cow
Is this cow an employment agent?
Or posts CVs on Monster.com? Wrong Number
Watch this one!
He says, convert to Christianity, or be damned
If God wanted, I'd be Christian by birth
Why convert now? Wrong Number
These girls want to go to school
A new dictat says: kill them if they do
ls God so small, He'll deny children knowledge?
Wrong Number
What God has destined for you will happen
He has a master plan for the Universe
Accept it
Your disciples say: to get a male child,
buy this book, and chant the mantras
So buy a Rs 10 book
and bust God's master plan!
Tipsy! Your show's a hit! Messages are pouring in
Here's one more
What happened?
It's Papa. He's ashamed I'm his daughter
I was in tenth grade
when I wrote my first poem
For Papa
They say my Mom I resemble. I say possible,
but I'm my Daddy's girl
I recited it on the Annual Day
All parents clapped
but one whistled with joy
The applause ended, the whistling continued
It was Papa
He was so proud of me
And now this message. Ashamed of you
There's a Wrong Number in your Papa's head
The day he gets rid of it, he'll whistle for you again
It won't happen
Don't be sad. Come with me
On my planet when people are sad, know what they do?
What?
Recharge the battery!
- What! - Just copy me
What are we doing?
Shut your eyes!
How do I copy then?
Right. Keep them open
To steal glances at you all day
To strain for every word you say
To put every chore aside
And follow your every stride
That's nothing but a waste of time
Love is a waste of time
Amore is nothing more
Love is a waste of time
But my mind and heart insist
Once in this life at least
I must waste my time
Without reason or rhyme
I want to waste my time
I love this waste of time
A zillion peeps into the mirror
A million times I've styled my hair
Countless sets of clothes I've tried
Emptied perfume bottles with flair
Dressing up is all I did Did nothing else worthwhile
Now I understand
That love is waste of time
But my mind and heart insist
Once in this life at least
I must waste my time
Without reason or rhyme
I want to waste my time
I love this waste of time
My world has topsy-turvy turned
I know not how to tell you
I smile without rhyme or reason
What's happening I have no clue
The mind just wants to soar And from rooftops yell
Now I understand Love is a waste of time
But my mind and heart insist
Once in this life at least
I must waste my time
Without reason or rhyme
I want to waste my time
I love this waste of time
The donation box is getting more questions than cash
Your relics don't sell anymore
Millions of abuses on Facebook and Twitter
- Just five? - Those are in support
The abuses are in here
It's time for action, Sir. Avoiding the issue can be disastrous
Missing: God
Call Cherry Bajwa
Tipsy has asked many questions. I'll ask him just one
- Hey Jaggu - What happened?
His Holiness wants to come on the show. To debate with Tipsy
- Tipsy'll rip him! - It'll be a mother of a show!
Get Tipsy ready. Put the promos out
'The Final Question' Sunday 6:00 pm
Don't miss, 'The Final Question' Sunday 6:00 pm
My pal's become a star! Hey look, he's a rock star
Rock star was roaming butt naked
I made him a star. The bloke's on TV
and me - in this shanty town, this crappy shack
guzzling booze with a jackass like you
Star my foot!
Tipsy, some Bhairon Singh for you
Bhairon!
Take that line
- Bro! - You lusty lad
You're a rock star!
Bro, where are you?
In Mandawa. Coming to Delhi tomorrow
With a gift for you
I've nabbed the thief who stole your stuff
He sold it for 40 grand
- Guess to whom. - Whom?
His Holiness!
God said: it's a divine bead from Lord Shiva's necklace. Take it...
...and enshrine it in a grand temple. Sighting this bead...
HEY;
what happened?
The thief who stole my remote is caught
What! Really?
Bro said, the thief sold it to His Holiness
Then His Holiness is finished!
We'll tell him - return the remote,
or the thief tells all on TV
So he didn't find my remote in the Himalayas! He's lying
Wrong Numbers are not floated by some fake God...
...but by His Holiness
You knew this Jaggu?
Remember the day you mentioned Wrong Number
All his calls are going to a Wrong Number
I knew then you were on the wrong track. But I kept mum
If you'd called him a fraud, people would have killed you
People crave for the unique
Wrong Number!
Your Wrong Number concept was unique
Today the world supports you
Tipsy, my plan worked! You're going home!
You'll fly away tomorrow, my friend
Whoosh... gone
We'll never meet again
There will be such a void
I'll really miss you
Shall I stay back?
How can you?
Simple, I have a job
I'll get some ID made and settle here
I'll find someone to 'waste time' with me
I'll marry her
- Who'll marry you! - Why not?
Your wife will go nuts introducing you -
Meet my husband. He's Tipsy!
That's not my name!
- Tipsyyy! - I'll get a real name
Why don't you suggest one? A name you love
A man's name must match his personality
Right!
So how is my personality?
I'll explain
A poet once wrote...
Irony of mismatched names...
No poetry, please! I've something to say
Who says 'What's in a name?'
If you don't get the right one, what a pain
Mr Burns is in fact so cool
With violence alone Mr Peace does rule
His name is Mr Fox But has no bushy tail
"I love you Jaggu"
One whole ton is the weight of Mr Flower
At his mere sight, the poor chair does cower
Very nice... very nice
Here's a bunch of cards with different names
Pick the one you like
Danduram Thatte?
- Disaster! - Next!
Tutari Singh?
Phooey!
Sarfaraz
- Sarfaraz... - What happened?
Keep going, find a good name
What's the matter?
Nothing
"I love you Jaggu"
Brother!
God is in His Heaven We mortals on ground
Nowadays He doesn't have Time to look around
God is in His Heaven We mortals on ground
Whatever may happen here He does not reprimand
Thousand evils, million wrongs He does not take a stand
Plundering is all around Bombs come to hound
A terrorist outfit has claimed responsibility for the blast
They say this was a mock drill
Persecute our people, and real war will follow
We shall protect our God
Where are you going, Tipsy?
On the show
You don't have to
I must. More than ever
'The Final Question' Welcome to our special show
in which we meet Tipsy...
Wait a minute
Bring it
What is this?
God says: it's a divine bead from His necklace
This man claims, it's his property
God says: build a temple
And this man opposes it
Who do I listen to? God, or this gentleman
who used to hand out these blasphemous pamphlets?
First he claimed, God is missing
Then said, God is a fraud
Next he'll say, God is dead
What do you want, son? A world without God?
Do you have any clue how people suffer?
No food to eat
No place to live
No friend to talk to
People kill themselves. Slit their wrists, jump off buildings
Why? Because they have no hope
If bowing before God, smearing holy ash,
wearing amulets, gives them hope to live,
then who are you to snatch away that hope?
And if you snatch away their God, how will you fill that void?
This man rants about Wrong Numbers
Today he must tell us: what is the Right Number?
You are right, Your Holiness
There was a time I too had no food to eat
No place to live
I cried a lot because I had no friend
I had only one hope then -
God
Each day I hoped: tomorrow will be better
God will find a solution
I agree belief in God gives hope,
the strength to face ordeals
But I have one question
Which God shall I believe in?
You say there is ONE God
I say no
There are TWO Gods
One who created us
And the other whom you created
We know nothing about the God who made us
But the God YOU made up, is just like you
Petty. Takes bribes, makes false promises
Readily meets the rich, keeps the poor waiting
Thrives on flattery. Makes you live in fear
My Right Number is simple
The God who created us all, believe in Him
The God YOU created -
abolish him
Yes!
You'll abolish my God and I'll keep quiet?
I know how to protect my God
You will protect God?
You!
This is a puny planet
Billions of bigger planets float in space
And you, sitting in a tiny corner of this puny planet, have the nerve to say
you will protect Him, who created the Universe?
He doesn't need your protection. He can protect Himself
Today someone tried to protect God and my friend died
This is all that's left- his shoe
Stop protecting God
Or this planet will have no humans, only shoes
A Muslim terrorist blows up a train
and a Hindu guru endures your sermon. That's nice
What's this Hindu, Muslim? Show me the label
You created these differences. Not God
This is the deadliest Wrong Number of this planet
It kills people, separates them
Like your Wrong Number separated Jaggu from Sarfaraz
- What Wrong Number? - That Sarfaraz will betray
He did betray her
- What's going on? - Hold it
You say my prediction about Sarfaraz was wrong?
Exactly!
Then prove it- prove my prophecy wrong!
Failing that, fall at my feet and admit
that you are a liar. You tried to defame me
What if I prove it?
Tipsy... don't!
Then this is yours
I accept
Tum the cameras towards Jagat Janani
I hope you will answer my questions truthfully
In Belgium you fell in love with a Pakistani boy
True or false?
Please spare my personal life
On Friday, at 3:21 pm I predicted this boy will betray you
The next day you went to the Marriage Registrar's office
but he didn't show up
True or false?
Yes, he didn't come. Please stop this
Now will you come to my feet or do I walk my feet to you?
- Sarfaraz did not betray. - Please let it go!
No. Tell us what happened that day
Please!
Just once, for my sake
I was at the Marriage Registrar's office and
a letter was brought to me
Did Sarfaraz bring it?
No. He sent it through a kid
- Was it signed? - No
How do you know Sarfaraz sent it?
It could have been for some other girl
There was another girl. With a cat, right?
She gave you the cat to hold for a while
The kid who gave you the letter- did he know you?
- No! - Did you know him?
No
Then how would he know the letter was for you?
Maybe he was told to give the letter to the girl with the cat
You read the letter, but didn't call Sarfaraz
Did you?
Because this man planted a Wrong Number - that Muslims betray
Sarfaraz didn't betray you
What's going on?
You expect us to believe these cat and bull stories?
One minute
We'll get to the truth right now. Call Sarfaraz
Hurry UP!
This number does not exist
Any other number? Friend, college, something?
- C'mon Jaggu! - Belgium University
- Hello. - Hello!
I actually need to get in touch with one of your grad students
Sarfaraz Yousuf
Oh yeah. He left for Pakistan last year
Has he left a number?
Sorry, we are not authorized to give out information
This is really important
E-mail us your request and I can forward it to Student Affairs
Have a nice day dear
His Pakistan number?
- Don't know. - Think, Jaggu darling
I work at the Pakistan Embassy
His job - Pakistan Embassy, Belgium
Mitu, call the Pakistan Embassy, Belgium
- Copy sir. - Put it on the speakers
Greetings. Pakistan Embassy
Hello
A student from Lahore worked with you
- Sarfaraz Yousuf. - Is your name Jaggu?
Hello... is your name Jaggu?
How do you know?
She's called! The girl from Delhi has called
Farah, it's Jaggu calling
Mr Sayyed, hurry, it's Jaggu's call from India
On the double everyone!
Sarfaraz Yousuf calls us from Lahore, every day at 9 am
And with impeccable politeness asks just one question:
Was there a call for me from India - from Jaggu?
We say "No", and he disconnects
He's driven us crazy
Wait. I'll connect you to him
Hello...
- Mr Sarfaraz Yousuf? - Yes, speaking
- Where are you? - In Lahore. Why?
- Where are you right now? - At home. Why?
Is there a chair or a bench nearby?
Please sit down. You're about to get a jolt
Pardon me?
You have a call from Delhi
Please speak here
Hello...
Sarfaraz...
Jaggu...
Hello...
...hello Jaggu, what's the matter?
Had you come to the Marriage Registrar's office?
I had, but you had left
Why didn't you call?
I got your letter. You'd said, 'Don't contact me'
I knew you were under family pressure
But deep down I knew, one day you would contact me
What took you so long?
I am sorry. I had your Wrong Number
Just got the right number from a friend
Thank you son
Here, hold this
Tipsy! You're taking batteries home?
- Don't get them there. - So many! For what?
Back home, I'll listen to the sounds I've recorded
What sounds?
Earth sounds - crows, traffic honking
Up there, you'll listen to cars honking?
Now and then - when I miss this planet
Hey, wait! There's one more bag
Forget it, Tipsy!
You kidding? It's stuffed with batteries
Wait!
Driver... please stop!
Everyone on your planet has stick-out ears?
And they roam around naked?
Why are you staring? Something on my face?
I was in tenth grade, when I wrote my first poem,
for Papa
They say my Mom I resemble. I say possible...
Poetry means sparse words, soaring thoughts
Pal, you're really cute
Here's to the teetotaler called Tipsy
Who says "What's in a name?"
No tape had sounds of crows or traffic honking
Every tape had just my voice
"I love you Jaggu"
Got it!
He sure made me run!
Tipsy, what's in these tapes?
Told you - crows, traffic honking
Every night, when your planet rises, I'll play these tapes
And wave at you. Like this
Will you wave back... now and then?
Haven't you recorded my voice?
Your voice?
I think I have... that one poem you recited
One poem? That's it?
I'm not exactly in love with you...
...to waste all my time over you!
He didn't look back. Not once
He was hiding his tears
One thing he learnt from us. One thing he taught us
He learnt from us how to lie...
...and taught us how to love
He loved me enough to let me go
He came here naked. As children do
Asked a lot of questions. As children do
And then one day...
...he went away
Four billion miles away
He left me two parting gifts
Sarfaraz
and Papa
Till I live... every night I'll look at his planet and wave
I'm sure, he'll do the same
I miss him
Fellow astronauts, prepare to land on Earth
Remember the four Earth Survival Commandments
One: Do not roam around naked
Cuddling, making love etc. Must be done in closed rooms
But fighting, making war etc. Is allowed in the open
Two: Beware of language, it's confusing
If Earthlings say, 'l love chicken and fish, '
it doesn't mean they love animals,
but that animals are on the lunch menu
The gap between thought and speech is our topic of research
Three: On landing, find dancing cars for clothes
Hide your remotes deep in your underwear, safe from thieves
Four: the mother commandment
If anyone says: I'll connect you to God,
dump the research, take a U-turn and run for your life
Come, don't be afraid
What are you goggling at?
- I have a question. - What?
On your last visit, how often were you whacked?
- What's this? - Self-defense!
Safety gadgets?
- Let's go. - Not there! This way
Kaput!