[tribal music]
[wind moaning]
- [shouting]
- [whimpers]
- [shouts]
Ah!
- aah!
Ah!
[rumbling]
[car alarms blaring, dogs barking]
I hate those things.
Ugh.
[pm dawn's reality used to be a friend of mine]
- reality used to be a friend of mine
reality used to be a friend of mine
maybe why is the question that's on your mind
but reality used to be a friend of mine
reality used to be a friend of mine
please don't ask me 'cause I don't know why
but reality used to be a friend of mine
I used to be friends with reality
she used to be a pal, real close to me
but she tried to hide from me what was in store
- [howling]
- would you put that back?
- mmm! - put that back.
- hey!
I just washed all this stuff.
Harshed myear. - sorry, man.
- it's okay.
- what's my mom screaming about?
- she's bummed 'cause I snaked her last bagel.
- grab a shovel, man.
- no, I just want to munch.
- fine.
If you don't want to help, that's just fine
- uh-huh.
- you know, this is a total waste of time.
Dave, be more of a geek.
There's no way you're going to the prom.
You're a disease. - ah.
- and no one will ever swim in this stupid pool.
- hey! - later.
- look, david, please do me a favor
And stress less, bro.
High school is over, buddy. Get into it.
We're lo-sers.
- i've decided something, stoney.
I want to look back on my high school career
And think that I started slowly,
But I finished strong, you know?
I mean, high school's almost over,
And I don't have anything to show for it.
- I know. Me neither.
Dude, you should be stoked, though, buddy,
'cause you got through the last four years
Without the full-on melon tweakage.
- it's not enough!
I mean, I want my own page in the yearbook.
- jump off the gym, splatter on the street,
And go for the co-ver.
- it's not funny.
I'm not going down as this geek kid from encino.
When I finish this pool,
I'm gonna have the killer party after the prom.
I'm gonna be the prom king.
And i'm gonna graduate a legend.
- well, what about me?
- oh. Well, you'll be there too.
- thanks.
But, um, robyn sweeney, bro,
She's not going to the prom with you, man.
I wish she would, but she's really not.
- what are you talking about?
Robyn sweeney is mine.
She's become a major babe, and she loves me.
- she finds you crusty, dave.
- i'll convince her. She'll see the truth.
- truth is, bro, life's about greasin' the do back, buddy,
And weasin' on the buffest, man.
High school was interesting, all right?
But was kind of like a harsh ride.
Ow ow ow!
We're going on to bigger and better things, buddy.
- stoney, I am on to bigger and better things.
[tribal sounds]
[thunk]
Count on it.
[def leppard's let's get rocked]
- won't take a minute
won't take long
so get on in it
- hey!
Oh, ow!
[shouting]
- hey, watch out. - hey, what's up?
I'm a stoney, crusty dude. Did you know that?
- yeah, dude. Get out of here.
- I got a mop on top.
Exse me, can you please move?
Me and my friend david are coming through.
Don't you know that? - hey, hey, there's robyn!
- oh, hey, robyn! Ow!
Four-wheelin' over the ferns.
Look, dave.
You're gonna have to just mellow out, bro,
On this whole robyn thing.
She always shines you, dude.
- you don't understand. We have history.
- you had history. Pre-freshman history.
You could've had her back then, man.
- she hadn't hit babehood yet.
- milk does a body good, huh? Check her.
She's clean, buddy.
And he's got her. [chuckles]
- matt wilson?
I mean, what a jerk.
What does she see in him, anyway?
- well, he's got the buff spikes chillin'
On top of his melon obviously, right?
Dude, he's checking her cheeks!
Oh! Oh!
He's got the serious beak and his own personal--
Oh--holding company
Full of fundage, bro,
That he weases off of ma--
- jor.
- 18-inch bis.
Mine are only 4.
- besides that.
- he walks like this, right?
Just like this, buddy. The nugs fully lose it.
[bell rings]
[indistinct chatter]
- hey, matt.
- matt.
- all right, everybody. Quiet, please.
Settle down, quiet.
We're gonna start this week's class
Same place we ended last week's class.
And that's talking about prehistoric man in the what?
Prehistoric man in the...
- oh. - oh, stoney.
- ice age? - s.
Ice age. That's right.
The ice age.
Now, why do we call it the ice age?
'cause there was a lot of ice around.
Now, what do we call these big chunks of ice?
Do you remember? Those big slabs of ice.
Huge slabs of ice we called what?
What did we call them? - glaciers.
- glaciers, right.
You are paying attention. That's good.
Now, these glaciers, as they move down our way,
You got to understand, they're so heavy and so cold
And so thick that they freeze the groundwater
Underneath them, and they form underground...
- glaciers. - glaciers, right.
- now, believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen,
Some scientists believe that there are actual
Underground glacial movements still in this part of the world.
But you know what I think that is, class?
- lame!
- exactly. Bogus.
Listen, listen, please remember
That most of this hemisphere,
Including the, uh--the ground that i'm walking on,
All of this was under ice at some point.
So I guess, uh, finding someing frozen,
You know, dug up here or there
Wouldn't be that uncommon when you think about it,
If you think about it.
So, uh, moving right along on your journey of knowledge here,
Let me show you cro-magnon man, ladies and gentlemen.
Right there.
- he's dope. I'd go out with him.
[laughter]
- I don't think so, ella.
You see, cro-magnon man,
Even though he's not bad-looking,
You know, he's standing upright and all,
He was extremely brutal.
So he, uh, just took whatever he wanted,
And, uh, that included his women.
- that's barbaric.
- indeed.
[rock music playing through headphones]
- stone.
Stoney!
Hey!
- hey, that's my lobes. - come on, check this out!
Feel the ground, man.
- whoa, buddy. It's chillin'.
It's not like, you know, "chillin', chillin'."
Bro, it is chillin'.
- I know. It's cold.
- help me.
Check it, buddy.
Oh, buddy.
I know what this is, bro.
- what is it?
- it's a mousterian bowl.
- no way!
- hey, come on, david.
Be careful with that.
- what's a mousterian bowl?
- a mousterian bowl from the mousterian era.
Prehistoric artifacts for 500, alex.
Don't you ever watch jeopardy!?
Hey, this is kind of like prehistoric tupperware, bro.
It's still preserved.
Like smuckers.
Oh!
[barking]
- earthquake.
Earthquake! Earthquake!
[rumbling]
- aah!
- oh!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
- nice save, dave-age!
[dog barking, car alarms blaring]
- stone? - yeah.
- there's a guy buried in my pool.
[both scream]
- hello, fran.
Oh, i'm glad I caught you.
Uh, are you available for a meeting
Some time this week?
- mrs. Morgan! - mom!
- i've come up with a fabulous idea.
- mom, there's a guy buried in our pool!
- and, uh--excuse me.
I'm working!
- call 911! Call 911!
- so anyway... - call 911!
- aah!
You know, they never found jim morrison.
- yeah, or jimmy hoffa.
- or jimmy mahoney.
He was a kid I knew in cub scouts.
- ugh. Come on, let's go.
- they never found him.
David, I know what this is.
- what?
- it's a caveman.
Ah! - please.
- i'm serious.
- no way!
Whoa!
A caveman.
This is unbelievable.
Do you know what this could mean for us?
This could mean-- this could mean fame or money...
Or popularity.
- far too much responsibility for me.
Anyways, i'm already popular.
- yeah, you travel in large groups of one, stoney.
Besides, this is my one chance
To make something out of myself.
You got to help me dig him out.
Look, you were here. You're part of it.
- I don't want to be part of anything, dave.
I'm happy just to be me.
- it could mean money.
You telling me you couldn't use a new scooter?
Some new bell-bottoms?
A little fun-dage.
Wease some older nugs with a mansion and a pool.
Soakin' up the rays,
Watching all the jeop-ardy! You can handle?
- that was the clincher, bro.
- everybody's got a price. Come on.
[engine rumbles]
[dog barks]
Give it more gas! More gas!
Perfect--ho!
[laughs]
This thing weighs a ton.
Give me the light.
- feel it. Oh.
[grunting]
There's his pits, bro.
- that's his head.
- that's his skull.
[snoring]
- aah! Get off me!
What are you doing?
I don't like mornings.
- ow.
Come on, let's get up.
He's still in here!
- no kidding, dave. He's an ice cube.
- we got to thaw him out.
- okay.
[exhaling deeply]
- this has got to be our secret. Okay, stone?
You can't tell anybody, nobody.
- can I tell steve cooser?
- no o, all right? Nobody.
- okay. - you understand?
No one. - zip.
- thank you. - dee do da.
- oh, this is kind of nice. - yeah, you were really--
- hi, robyn.
- hi, dave.
- guess what I found.
- a life?
- no. Come here.
Guess what I found. - I don't know.
- guess! Guess! - I have no idea.
- [whispers] I found a caveman.
- a caveman? - shh! Yeah.
- oh, dave, you're drowning.
- it's cool, right? I found a caveman.
All by myself-- I dug him out of my backyard.
You want to come check him out after school?
- well, uh...
- i'm only inviting a few people.
- yeah, I got that prom thing, you know?
- ten minutes. Please.
- dave, I just don't think i'm ready to handle a...
A caveman.
- you're not?
All right.
I understand.
- bye, david.
- [sighs] I love it when she calls me david.
- hello, david.
- ugh. - going somewhere?
- yeah, I got a date with your mom.
- that's not nice.
- it was a joke. I'm sorry.
Just kidding. Just kidding.
[cracking]
- ah! Ah!
- you've been a headache ever since the third grade.
I know about your stupid prom king bullshit.
Forget it.
Robyn wouldn't piss on your gums
If your teeth were on fire.
- yeah, she would.
- [laughs] shush!
Hush, please!
Showing your ignorance again, morgan.
Some of us pump, and some of us slump.
You should try some pump, morgan.
Might clear up your acne.
- you're so--ugh! - am I?
- n-no, stop.
Stop it.
- why do you make me do this?
- what are you writing?
Hey! Hey, what did you write?
Matt, not the fire alarm!
Matt! Matt!
[alarm rings]
Matt! Oh, god.
[doors opening]
[chatter, laughter]
- [screaming]
[sniffing]
Ugh!
Ah.
[grunts]
[both bark]
[helicopter whirring]
[screams]
[sniffs]
[glass shatters]
[coughs]
[shouting]
[horn honks] aah!
Uh.
Ah.
- i'll be back.
- this was once the land of dreams
now these dreams have turned to greed
in the midst of all this wealth
the poor are left to help themselves
a capitalist's democracy
why no one said that freedom's free
lady liberty rots away
no truth, no justice, the american way
- ugh.
- clap your hands and dance
treaty now
treaty, yeah
treaty now
huh
[water sloshes]
- he melted.
- dave, it just wasn't meant to happen, all right?
Come on, i'll go buy you some ho hos.
Come on. It's all right.
- he melted.
Boris!
[smoke alarm wailing]
Both: aah!
- what the...?
I can't believe it. He's alive!
He was practically an ice cube, practically.
- I say we just walk.
- no. No way.
He is ours.
We found him.
What?
- be hospitable.
[stick squeaking]
- [sniffing]
Aah! - aah!
How you doing?
Hi, my name is dave.
- aah!
- come here, come here.
Introduce yourself.
This is stoney.
Stoney. He's my friend.
Uh, this is my room.
- aah!
's okay. Okay.
- [grunts]
- uh...We're from encino.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- and we hope you don't gnaw on our beaks.
- shh!
I know what i'm doing, stone.
- [breathing heavily]
- we go to high school.
High school?
- he doesn't know what high hool is.
- I know. He doesn't know what a room is.
He doesn't know what anything is.
Look, just be calm and easy.
- calm...
And easy.
- yeah, hi.
[phone rings]
- aah!
- ha!
- [screaming]
- aah!
Get the phone! - okay, okay!
- [laughing]
- it's okay. It's okay.
See, I think he's calming down.
- calming down.
[phone disengaged]
- aah!
- huh?
- fire.
Flame-age.
Buddy, he's into it.
- that was kill, stone. Look at his eyes.
- buddy, he likes the blue part.
He's glossy-eyed.
- freak him out. [laughs]
- ow-oh.
Uhn!
- okay. Oh, ah...
[both laughing]
- [grunts]
- give it to him! Give it to him! Give it to him!
- [grunts]
- here, here, here, look. Here.
- you got to teach him. - I know.
- [gasps] whoa!
Oh.
[both laugh]
- [grunts]
- hey!
No. - no.
- what? Did you just--
- I think he just said, "no."
- no.
- no?
- no. No.
No. No. No.
- cool, buddy. He is so greasy!
- greasy?
He's a prehistoric pyromaniac.
We got to teach him stuff.
- we'll teach him how to wease.
- no. No. No. No.
- ah. - no!
- oh, god. - [laughs]
- we got to teach him how to be normal.
- no, uh-uh.
We're going psycho with him, bro.
That's boring, dude--normal.
- stoney, come on, man. Hang with me.
We got to just play this thing out, all right?
If we tell anyone, if anyone sees him,
They'll take him away from us, all right?
And then they'll cut him up into little pieces.
And they'll take all the credit,
And we'll still be geeks.
- i'm not a geek.
I'm a unique weasel, david.
[chattering]
I'm just underrated 'cause I live here in encino.
- bud. Buddy.
- ow! - okay?
He needs a bath big-time.
[right said fred's i'm too sexy]
- i'm too sexy for my love
too sexy for my love
love's going to leave me
hup
i'm too sexy for my shirt
too sexy for my shirt
so sexy it hurts
and i'm too sexy for milan
too sexy for milan, new york, and japan
- ah!
[growls]
Grr!
Ahh!
- i'm too sexyfor you
too sexy for your party
no way i'm disco dancing
i'm too sexy for my love
too sexy for my love
love's going to leave me
and i'm too sexy for this song
- [laughs]
Standing "o."
- [whistles]
- dude, if had a bic, bro, right here.
- no, don't freak him out. - okay, sorry.
- okay, let's show him himself. - okay.
Here, look. You want to see your mug, bud?
Check it.
- ah!
- what, dude?
Buddy, you should be with your mug, bro.
You look buff.
Right?
Hey, can you say bu...Uff?
- bu...Uff.
[laughter]
- I like that.
You know, you paused too.
- huh?
- we got to give him a cool name.
- axl! Yeah, buddy.
- no, come on. Not axl.
This is serious. - okay.
- I mean, we've got the missing link standin
In my bedroom.
Link!
We'll call him link!
- okay, cool.
Look, david, I was thinking maybe
We could call him stoney number two,
Because he's got my same do,
And he's from the stone age.
- I like link better.
- okay, we'll call him link.
But can I call him linkage?
- cool. - cool.
- let's see how smart he is.
- okay.
- whoa!
- okay, okay.
You okay? - uh.
- uh, uh...Look. See?
You see? - uh.
- ah. - whoa!
- oh! - ah!
- [grunts]
[seethes]
[laughs]
Okay, okay.
Um...Link.
- link.
- no. You're link.
I'm dave. Dave.
- dave, dave.
- no. Dave. Dave.
Dave, dave, dave.
- dave. - yes!
- [laughs]
- okay.
And that's...That's stoney.
- mm-hmm.
- stoney.
No, no, no.
Stoney. - stoney.
- yes! - ah!
- okay, okay, okay.
And now, you are...
- dave! Ah!
- no, no, no, no.
I'm dave. I'm dave.
You are...
- buff.
- [sighs]
No. - oh.
[horn honks] it's all right. It's all right.
You've had a hard day. It's okay.
- your parents!
- my parents!
- ah!
- okay, uh, uh, take him out back
And ring the doorbell three times, okay?
I'll be there in a minute. No buts, just do it!
- look, follow the weasel, linkage.
Come on, come on.
Come on, quick, quick.
- uh, uh...
[clanging]
- my kitchen!
- ah!
- busted!
- what are you doing?
What are you doing?
- i'm cooking dinner.
- you're what? - busted!
- i'm cooking dinner for you guys.
I thought it might be a nice surprise.
- they're surprised, all right.
[bell ringing]
- all right, what is going here?
- where's the flour? I can't find the flour.
- hello, stanley.
Who is this strange boy, and why is he ringing my doorbell?
- got stuck, sir.
- come in. Meet your new family.
- wait, wait, wait. Whose family?
[dog barks]
- boris, get down.
Boris, get out of there.
- get down!
- [shouting]
[crashing]
- david. - huh?
- who is that?
- that? Who's that?
That was linkavitch... Chomofsky, mom.
- what?
- link! Linkav--
Doesn't anybody in this house listen to anything I say?
- what are you talking-- what is he talking about?
- dad, linkavitch chomofsky.
Our exchange student.
He's here.
- yeah, um, he's gonna help us dig the pool.
- yeah.
- why does none of this sound familiar to me?
- ma, I told you about this months ago.
Don't you remember?
About school giving us extra credit
For college for housing exchange students
And learning about their culture and junk?
You said it was okay.
You're gonna take it back?
I can't believe she's taking it back.
- i'm not gonna take it back, david.
- mom, this is important to me.
This is my life.
Besides, it's embarrassing.
I mean, what am I supposed to tell the guy?
He traveled here all the way from...
- I don't know, estonia?
- yeah, estonia.
- mom, come on. You're not buying this.
- well, I-- - dad!
- well, actually, I-I--
I think now that I-- I do recall something--
Something about it. - you see?
- see, it's about focusing.
- you're bogus.
- larry, how could I forget something like this?
It's an exchange student.
He's gonna be staying in our house for--
- how could you have forgotten about me in the third grade?
I spent the entire night after the play
In the parking lot.
In the sixth grade, do you remember?
Soccer dues. Did you pay them?
- okay, where's he gonna stay and--
[clanging]
And why is he attacking the dog?
- he's gonna stay in my room,
And he's not attacking the dog.
He's bonding.
- as if. - shut up.
- you shut up. - no, everybody shut up.
- larry, larry, honey.
- i'm fine. I'm tired, i'm a little hungry.
I think it's time we decide
What we're gonna make for dinner.
Stanley, I assume you'll be joining us.
- you assume correctly, mr. M.
- well, we practically feed the entire neighborhood.
Why not part of estonia as well, huh?
- I always eat here, and I like your food.
- great.
[door bell rings] stop it.
- ah! - no!
No. [bell dings]
- no.
- can't believe you told my parents he's from estonia.
- cow pajamas, buddy.
Those are kind of flaming.
- ugh.
[groans]
- some betty, huh?
- betty.
[groans]
- gonzagas.
- buddy, cones.
- I know you've had a big day, pal.
But tomorrow i'm gonna take you someplace really special.
- taco bell.
- better. Get the camera, stone.
- ha.
- congratulations, link.
You're gonna be a senior.
Smile.
- ah!
[cheap trick's wild thing]
- wild thing
you make my heart sing
you make everything groovy
wild thing
- ow!
- oh, god, he doesn't like that.
That's glass. That hurts your beak, right?
- stand up straight.
- poor stone-ager.
He spent a million years chillin' in a block of ice.
Now he's got to go to high school?
Ack!
- who's that guy with the dork squad?
- oh, my god. He is totally rude.
- totally.
- we have got a major find here.
This guy is our ticket to fame and popularity.
All we got to do is get him enrolled in school,
And he'll help us become popular.
- that's--that's harsh.
- we'll make him famous.
We'll teach him some stupid pet tricks
And get him on letterman. [chuckles]
- you're weasing off his gig.
- oh, please, he's a caveman for god sakes.
I mean, look at him. He's practically a monkey.
Come here.
We found him.
We can do whatever we want with him.
- we, we, we?
No, no, no. You, you, you.
I just want to be his friend.
- ugh, fine.
- hello, mrs. Mackey.
- [grunts]
- and what do we have here?
- thank you, guzer.
- okay, I got him covered up until fourth period.
I don't know what to do with him after that.
- I could take him to spanish.
- be careful with him.
- i'll be cool, man. I promise.
- okay. - okay.
[tribal music]
- what's he doing?
- I don't know.
Link, be careful!
Hey, hey, watch out!
[ohs and ahs]
- ah ah ah!
Hey, link, how's your melon, bud?
- [sniffing]
- whoa.
- excuse me. Hey, hey, hey!
- [grunts]
- whoa. [laughs]
- link, no.
- is this dude totally fundamental or what?
- you miss me?
- always. Who is this?
- this is my friend link.
He's staying with us for a little while.
He's from estonia.
- you're kidding.
This guy is staying with you guys?
- mm-hmm.
- ah!
- yeah, he's thinking of becoming a hairdresser actually.
- designing crusty mops
For the rich and the famous, little one.
- oh.
- uh, gazongas.
- hey, hey! - no!
Bye, robyn.
- I think he was saying he likes your cones.
- i'm thrilled. Get out of my face.
- ow.
- robyn, that import is mine.
This is just in time for prom.
- yeah. - is he fine or what?
- i'm not sure.
- [grunts]
- he's a looker. Huh.
- link. Link!
Link, please, come sit down.
- who is this dipshit anyway?
- his name's link.
He's from estonia, and I think he's jive.
- jive, yeah. You do?
- hell, yeah.
And i'm not the only one.
- hey, link.
- [coughs]
[knuckles crack]
- i'll see you next period. Watch him.
- all right, david.
Buddy, we got spanish now.
Spanish is like guacamole, chips and salsa.
[blows raspberry]
La dia es mi hermanos.
The day is beautiful.
[hip-hop music]
- hey, boss! Yeah!
[laughing]
- later, you guys.
- [laughing]
- uh! Uh! Uh!
- vale, repitan en español.
The cheese is old and moldy.
All: el queso esta viejo y podrido.
- where's the bathroom?
¿donde esta el sanitario?
All: ¿donde esta el sanitario?
- good, good. Once again.
- you're cute.
- meet me at blades tonight.
- blades tonight.
- yes?
- you can drop him off
In front of blades tonight, right?
- oh, um, can david and I go too, please?
- ugh, you smell.
- hey--hey, señorita!
That hurt my lobes.
I didn't do it. They started the whole thing.
[indian music]
- kashmir, raji, is it--
How many minutes for the burrito again?
- two minutes. - one minute.
- two minutes.
- one and a half to two minutes.
- ah, make up your melons!
Is it one or two?
- one and a half minute.
- okay. [microwave beeps]
Okay, my friend.
Try and experience what i'm about
To chirp in your lobes, okay, cool?
- ah.
- today, buddy, we're gonna discuss grindage.
How to fill the furnace, pack the cheeks,
And stuff the gills, okay?
You're probably used to eating twigs, right?
But out here in the u.S. Of a-age, buddy,
We got something called the four basic food groups.
And, link, this is not one of them.
- oh.
- look at what we have here.
Dairy group. - dairy group.
- milk duds.
You hide these under your pillow, bro,
So your mom doesn't find them.
If she does, you're tweaked, buddy.
Keep on cruising.
Fruit group. Sweet tarts.
These are killer, buddy.
So citrusy, dude, you'll freak.
Keep on cruising. Uh-huh.
Nice. This is the vegetable group.
Vegetable group.
Corn nuts. Oh, put them on a pedestal, bro.
Look at that, yeah. Thos?
[microwave dings]
Meat group!
Come on! Check the meat group!
These are my favorite. Oh.
- [grunts]
- hey! Don--you got to be equal.
Equals. 50-50, here.
Mmm.
Ack!
Ew! Figures.
Hot on the outside, icicle in the middle.
- two minute.
- but you like that, right, 'cause you're a caveman.
Cool, buddy.
The beverage. The icee, bro.
This is what put this place on the map.
- what are you doing, mr. Stoney?
No, no, no! You can't do this!
You can't do this here!
- leave now! Must leave now, please!
- look, kashmir, raji, why don't you just chill?
- no buds chill!
- link and I are cruising to the mountain, bro,
And we figured we'd wease a little ju-uice.
- no weasing the ju-uice!
- wease the juice.
- no! No weasing the juice!
- no weasing the juice!
- hey, hey!
Dude, chill, buddy. - no buds chill!
- ah! Oh!
- just chill.
- i'll be back.
- no buds chill!
[queen's stone cold crazy]
- [screaming]
- oh, god, no! Wait, stop!
Whoa!
- aah!
[shouting]
- stone cold crazy
ow, hit them, mama
- ah!
[howls]
[shouting]
- ah!
- stone cold crazy
- aah!
- whoo!
[laughing]
Was that the hottest or what, bro?
Are you into it?
- ow
- joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
joy to you and me
- stop! Stop!
Where did you go?
You just took off after school.
Do you know how worried i've been?
- god, you sound like my mom.
- god, you can't do that to me.
What's on his nose?
- just chill, dave.
'cause you know why?
Link and I had a stoney time at the mountain.
[scooter revs]
- you took him to mega mountain? Are you crazy?
- yeah, 'cause they're riding the vapor in reverse.
- they are? - uh-huh.
- oh, cool.
- check out fresh nugs.
Weasing the juice.
[howling]
Both: buddy.
- check out my cap. Ow!
- god, y got him talking like you now.
- [howling]
- gee, link, that is so beautiful.
Is it old?
- [chokes]
- you know, mr. M, the way I see look at it,
Someday your daughter and I could be married,
And we could be related.
- I count the days.
So, stanley, how's your mother?
- she's really bummed. Can you pass the peas?
- sure. - thanks.
- look, mr. Morgan,
If you're edged 'cause i'm weasing
On your grindage, just chill.
'cause if I had the whole brady bunch thing happening
At my pad, i'd go grind over there.
So don't tax my gig so hard core, cruster.
- english, stanley. Speak english.
- dad!
- link, honey,
How was your day how are yo?
- he's doing just great.
We gotim enrolled in all his classes.
Didn't we, pal?
Yeah, a success.
[fly buzzing]
What's up?
- [grunts]
- how was your day, mom?
Where are you going?
- what's he doing?
- I think he's tracking a fly.
- shoo, fly don't bother me
shoo, fly, don't bother me
'cause you belong to my friend link
- ah! - good catch.
Meat group!
- oh, god.
- [sniffs, grunts]
- he's into munching too, you know?
- blades. Finally part of the elite.
How cool are we?
- we're cool.
David, I even showered, bro.
Check out my-- - link, wait up!
- dude, I got the raddest deodorant on, buddy.
Take a whiff, bro. Dude, smell.
[vince neil's you're invited (but your friend can't come)]
- oh no
you're invited but your friend can't come
whoa no no
- link, hey!
I am so glad to see you.
[laughs]
Uh, hon, lose the geek squad.
They're bad for your deal. - huh?
- blades.
- harbor patrol. Barneys incoming.
- robyn.
- get them. - got them!
- hey, rob--
Oh!
Robyn! - ah!
Both: good.
- that was not cool at all, you guys.
You know you could hurt his pancreas or something like that?
[laughter]
- I like the ketchup and mustard.
Very avant-garde.
Whoa. Is that me?
- betty.
- betty? Betty?
- betty. Betty nugs.
- betty nugs.
- robyn, don't forget.
We've been naked together.
[chuckles]
- nice body.
- yeah, remember when we were together?
- did you show this to anyone?
- no. No, that's your copy.
You can show anyone you want.
- thanks, dave. - okay.
- oh, I get it.
This is like your old girlfriend in estonia or something?
- uh. - do you miss her?
- mm.
- because I can tell you from experience,
Long-distance relationships never work out.
- ugh.
- estonia's a long ways away, link.
- yeah. - and i'm right here.
So let's work on changing your mind.
- rad mobile. - huh?
- rad mobile. Rad mobile.
- whoa! - rad mobile.
- or not.
- you just think i'm bad for your act, that's all.
- right, and you think i'm good for yours.
- what?
Whoa!
- matt!
- what are you doing?
You're not allowed in here. - ah!
- [laughs]
Whoa!
Aah!
- [cheering]
- are you deaf, dork?
Didn't I forbid you to speak to her?
- i'm sorry!
- ah! Ow!
- that's all, link. It's over.
- matt! - end of story.
- i'm sorry!
- let me hear you say it.
- i'm sorry. I'm sorry!
- ah!
Wease the juice!
- hey! You want a piece of me?
- [grunts]
- oh, god!
- fight! Fight!
- I don't know you.
I don't like you.
As of now, i'm all over you.
- oh!
- you see that?
- the new kid, he took it.
Both: whoa!
- don't just stand there.
Do something! Stand up for yourself!
Hit him back!
- [groans]
- link, hit him back. Where are you going?
- what do you think of your bulgarian dork bud now?
Hmm?
- that was harsh, matt.
- let's get out of here.
The stench of losers is doing damage to my sinuses.
- just stop it, matt!
Don't even come near me.
- hey, watch it.
- you know, why don't you take this?
'cause I don't think I need it anymore.
- hey!
- I can't believe he got nailed.
- he's a pacifist.
- a pacifist caveman? You're mental.
- cavemans aren't like us, dave.
They fought for food and survival.
They did not fight for popularity.
What would he be fighting for, huh?
- for face.
For us. To be cool.
- cool, huh?
He does not know what cool is, dave.
He doesn't know where he is, bro.
He knows nothing!
- he's got to learn how to defend himself.
- against what?
- against buttholes like matt.
[scatterbrain's mama said knock you out]
- watch.
Come on, come on.
- i'm gonna knock you out
mama said knock you out huh
i'm gonna knock you out huh
mama said knock you out huh
- put me down!
Put me down!
- round and round!
- stop! Ah! Ah!
Stop!
- knock you out - hiya!
- [grunting]
- ugh!
- i'm gonna knock you out
[cheering]
- hey, ow, ow, ow!
David, ah!
Put me down, link!
- knock you out
- ow, my pancreas!
[bell rings]
- hey, look!
- dude, man, you took it from wilson!
- no one's ever done that before and survived.
- whoo-hoo-hoo!
- ugh. - [makes warbling sound]
[the smithereens' wooly bully]
- hmm.
Wow!
- link, get back here!
- oh, my god. He is so--
- matty told hatty
about a thing she saw
had two big horns
and a wooly jaw
wooly bully
- hey, home slice! - what's up, man?
We'll see you in mr. Albert's class, huh?
- slicy. - slicy!
- hello, little one. [laughs]
- [grunts]
- we took a vote, and the computer club feels
Your presence will be a valuable asset
To our organizatn.
- [mockingly] computer club! Computer club!
[laughing]
- homeboy.
- why doesn't that happen when matt hits me?
- give yourself a few million years, david.
[tribal music]
- that's a beautiful orange dress you have on.
- that's a nice bell-bottom outfit.
- ah!
- link! Link!
Link, get down. Get down.
All right, hey. - no, I was just playing.
Was just playing.
- all right, cro-magnon man.
What you're looking at here, class,
Is a representation of what cro-magnon man's
Everyday life may've been like.
As a matter of fact, if he was here today,
You could sit next to him on a bus,
You would never know the difference.
Okay, stoney, let's move on.
We're gonna look at the giant sloth.
[tribal music]
[animal sounds]
- aah!
- class, this is saber-toothed cat.
Even though he's been extinct for well over 10,000 years,
While he was alive, you could imagine
That many a caveman was a tasty meal to one of these.
- aah!
- there's one now.
Come on, let's go look at the mammoth display,
Our school mascot.
[indistinct chatter]
- look out!
- whoa!
[blows]
- link. Link, get out from there.
- [screams]
- look at him. He's flipping out.
- he knows, dave.
- what? - he knows.
He knows what happened to him.
We have to help him.
Link.
Ow!
[whispering] link, hey.
Hey, stop it.
Look, hey, I understand.
Family.
- you okay? - it's okay.
Look, we're your new family, man.
We're your new family.
It's o-kay.
- it's all right.
- [sighs]
- he's burnt from all this.
- well, seeing as we started the school year
As total losers and now everyone knows who we are,
I don't think one mistake is such a big deal.
- god, you're dogging him, dave.
Just promise me, just a little more mellow.
Not so much.
- stoney. - dave.
- all right.
If it'll make you feel better,
I'll be more mellow with him.
- okay, robyn sweeney. - here.
- again?
- i'm sorry, mr. Beady.
I just can't quite get that parallel-parking thing.
- whoa, whoa.
Parallel parking is not a tng, understand?
It's not a feeling, it's not a state of mind,
And it's not one of your disco dances.
- yeah.
- now get in the car and don't take it personally.
- okay, mr. Beady.
- linkavitch chomofsky.
- ooh, ooh!
- what are you looking at?
- [grunts]
- get inside the car.
And shoot your barber. - ow, wah.
- with hemingway's the sun also rises,
Where the blood sport of bullfighting is used
And perhaps what we consider as--
- uh-oh.
- oh, god! Rad mobile!
- boys, will you sit down? Class!
[steve vai's drive the hell out of here]
- you promised me mellow, dave. This isn't mellow.
[engine turning]
- link! Link!
[tires squeal]
- dave. - [laughs]
- watch the people!
Grab the wheel! - link!
- aah!
- stoney, tell him to stop!
- okay, stop.
Didn't faze him, bro.
- oh, shit!
All right, link. Joke's over--stop!
- hey!
- stop that car, young man!
- ah!
- both hands on the wheel!
- [cheering]
- crosswalk! Crosswalk!
- ah! Close call, buddy.
Hey, buddy!
- hi, robyn. - hi, dave.
- red light!
- [shouting]
[tires screech]
[horn honks]
- boom! There he was, up on two wheels.
I never seen anything like this before.
You know, I don't teach that.
- I got the driver--
I got the license plate number. It's e684257.
- you don't have to write
That I left the keys in the ignition, do you?
- [howls]
- I think he's got the hang of it.
[tires screech]
- ah!
- well, that concludes r parallel parking for today.
Class dismissed.
- link, I think you just failed drivers' ed.
[distant music]
- hey, link, wait up.
- where are we?
Great.
- move your body
move your body to the rhythm
move your body
move your body to the rhythm
- hola, mi amigos.
Is it okay if I just chill upon here?
- orale. - orale.
- you want to be a man, ese?
- eventually, yeah.
But i'm almost there. Look.
Look at my patch, bro.
- whoa! - mucho macho!
- he's an hombre.
- oh, this is tequila, right?
- orale.
- hey, where's the worm?
- the worm's right there, ese.
- uh-uh, i'm a weasel.
[makes chattering sound]
- [laughs]
- a weasel, eh? - yeah.
- you want to be a man, weasel?
You want to be a man, ese?
Then drink like an hombre. - no, I can't.
- you showing us disrespect, homes?
- i'm going to play foosball. Ah!
- drink up.
- that's disrespectful, weasel.
Be a man, ese! Come on.
Drink it up. Let's go.
Drink like a man, ese.
You can do it, ese. You can do it.
- bottoms up, eh. - you can do it, weasel.
- andale.
- [howling]
- come on, ese! - otra! Otra!
Otra vez, otra vez, otra vez!
Otra! Okay, okay, okay, stop!
[laughs]
All: weasel, weasel, weasel.
Weasel! Weasel! Weasel!
- [howling]
- weasel! Weasel!
- wait, wait. Stop, stop.
Dude, do I have to pay for them?
[howling]
- move your body to the rhythm
move your body
move your body to the rhythm
move your body
- hey. - hey, stone.
Where's link?
- dancing.
- yo!
- cool! Let's go.
Let's go dance. - no, no, no.
I'm not good at dancing.
Let's not dance, please.
- dave, you are too uptight.
- I--I just don't like to dance.
- hey, weasels. - hey.
Enrique, dave. Enrique.
- hey, man, you vatos see that muchacha over there, man?
- ah, yeah. - you see her?
You see her? - yeah.
- don't be looking at her, man! - i'm sorry.
- you see her? - no.
- if I see any man looking at my muchacha,
That man will no longer be recognizable as a man!
Now, I want you vatos to have a good time, all right?
- yeah.
- see you later, weasels. - okay, see you.
- ah! - ow!
- feel the rhythm
feel the rhythm everywhere
feel the rhythm
feel the--feel the-- feel the--feel the rhythm
- [grunts]
- move your body to the rhythm
- oh! Ah!
- chomofsky, chomofsky.
Got it.
Chomofsky.
"rabies, distemper, flea dip."
What is this?
- it's a dog license, man.
- what?
- "animal shelter."
What are the two biggest losers in school hiding?
- a dog?
- it's not his license.
- mm-hmm.
Let's get out of here.
[crystal water's you turn me on]
- you know you really turn me on
come on now honey
- hey!
Whoo!
- [laughs]
- and when, when oh when you do it
uh uh uh oh that's my song
- [slurping]
[sizzling]
[screams]
[warbling sound]
Aah!
Wow!
- let's do it
uh uh uh oh that's my song
let's do it
you turn me on
let's do it
come on now sugar
come on and just be good to me
you turn me on
come on now sugar
- [speaking spanish]
- [snaps fingers]
You're right, ese.
She's not worth it.
- yeah, the vato's got a point.
- hey, she ain't worth it, homes!
- come here, vato.
- police! Inmigracion!
- oh, god! Let's get out of here!
Oh, shit!
[shouting]
- stone. Stone, look. Take robyn.
- [belches] - robyn, take stoney.
- come on! Come with us, homes!
- i'll meet up with you guys later, okay?
All right, get out of here.
- i'll drive.
- link!
Whoa--ah!
Link! Link!
Look, the cops are here.
Get down, get down.
Ah, come on. - ah!
- we're gonna get busted.
- you are busted. - get down, man.
- [grunts]
All: stoney is the crustiest vato i've ever witnessed,
So don't harsh his gig, buddy.
[howling]
[laughing]
- buddy.
- bye, guys! - orale!
- drive safely!
[horn honks]
- nice element you're hanging out with.
Who are your friends in the lowrider?
- none of your business, matt.
Go home.
- huh.
- what time do you want me to pick you up tomorrow night?
It's the prom. Remember?
- you know, you are just like everyone else.
All you care about is what people think.
It's really pathetic.
- hey, watch it.
- [sighs]
Matt, i'm not going to the prom with you.
I want go with somebody who's really cool,
Who's not afraid of being himself or having fun.
Good night.
- who's cooler than me?
- your phone call.
You got one. Make it quick.
- thanks.
[phone rings]
- matthew wilson.
Hello?
- roby robyn?
- dave! Did you guys get away okay?
- we're in prison,
And let me tell you something, it's been great.
- look, this is my one phone call,
And i'm using it to ask you to go to the prom with me.
So just say yes, okay?
- no.
- why not?
- I want to go with link.
- what?
- look, will you just ask link if he'll go with me?
- you want me to what?
- look, i'm sorry.
I'll tell you what.
We'll all go together. We'll have a great time.
How about that?
Dave?
- ugh.
[coin rattles]
[jesus and mary chain's why'd you want me?]
- [shouting]
Hey!
¿como esta usted? Muy bonita esta dia.
Hey, wait. How was jail?
Did you meet anyone? [laughs]
Hey, wait! Wait up!
- look, things just didn't turn out right.
I mean, I don't want them cutting you up
Into little pieces or anything.
This is just what's best for you.
It's best for me too, all right?
Here.
For rad mobile.
- rad mobile. - yeah.
Put them in your pocket.
[coins jingle]
Don't look at me like that.
It's just the way it's got to be.
Go on, get out of here.
Go on.
Go on, leave.
Go.
I'm sorry.
[sighs]
- hey, hey, hey, hey!
Talk to me, dave. Let me know what is going on, man.
What are you doing?
- letting him go.
- what?
- look, I can't handle him anymore.
Besides, he'll be better off with somebody else, all right?
- no, he's not, dave.
Please, just listen to me. Call him back.
- I can't take it anymore.
- i'm not kidding, dave. Call him back.
- it's done, man.
- i'm serious. Call him back.
You know that's harsh.
- he's not my responsibility.
- you're the one who weased off his gig the whole time,
'cause you thought maybe he'd get you somewhere.
And now the guy gets a little crusty,
And you're just gonna bag him.
It's not happening, dave. I'm sorry.
That's not how it works with friends, man.
You don't bag your friends
Just 'cause they get in your way, no matter what, dude.
- like you care.
The only thing you have ever cared about in your life
Is nugs, chillin', and grindage.
- yeah, well, I happen to care right now.
- that's convenient.
You came along for the ride, and you let me do the dirty work
'cause you thought it might work out to your advantage.
- those are desperate words of a loser.
Maybe matt wilson was right about you all along.
- take that back, stoney.
- no, you take it back. - take it back!
- you take it back. - ugh!
[grunts]
- you're a loser.
- ugh!
- chilling! - all right.
I'm sorry.
- family.
- you can let go, link.
I'm sorry, man.
- it's okay.
- I don't know what got into me.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it, stone.
I'm sorry, buddy.
- ow.
- [laughs]
- you look great.
Have a good time. You deserve it.
[doorbell rings]
- [sniffs]
- if you touch her, gckck.
- [grunts]
- so you think they're ready?
- I don't know. Dave!
- dave, hey.
- hey.
- you're not ready.
- I--I can't go.
- of course you can.
Just turn around and go upstairs,
Put something on.
- no, really, I can't.
I'm on probation. I'm grounded.
- [grunts]
- hi, link. - [grunts]
- you look great.
- you guys go. Have a good time.
Go on. Come on, let go.
No, no, no. Come on, come on, come on.
- dave. - no.
- are you sure?
- go. Have a good time.
Let go, link. Go on, get out of here.
Have a good time.
[sighs] drive safely.
[door shuts]
God, she smells good. Whew.
To link, may he have a cool time at the prom.
- totally, bro. To linkage.
- there's always college.
- junior college. [laughs]
- link, get down here.
Give me a boost.
Uhn!
Ugh!
Whoa.
[laughs]
Gotcha.
[clanging] - dave!
- stoney, come on.
Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Give me back those pictures.
Give them back! - no.
- hey, get back here!
They took the polaroids. - uh-oh!
- come on!
Come on! - those are our pictures!
[rumbling]
[car alarm wailing]
- and it's unanimous.
The vote for prom king goes to--
- wait!
Wait!
- [grunts]
- what are you trying to do, matt?
Come on, stop it!
[feedback squeals]
- this is our school, right?
- yeah.
- and we have a right to know
If something bogus is going down
In our school, right?
- right.
- this homo right here is taking you for a ride.
His name isn' linkavit,
And he's not from estonia.
- matt, will you just stop this already?
- shush!
Trust me.
They've all been lying to us.
But I found out.
I know the truth.
Do you want to know the truth?
- yeah! - yeah!
- do you want to know what he really is?
- yeah.
- what's the secret?
- he's a caveman.
[quiet muttering]
[cheers and applause]
- no. No!
Look, he's a freak!
[continued cheers]
I got pictures!
- no!
- see? - let me see those pictures!
Hey, give me back those pictures!
Matt, give me those. - no.
- ugh! - dave!
- [grunts]
- what are you doing, fag?
- uhn! Ugh!
Whoa--hey!
[cheers and applause]
- hey!
- ow!
- no! No!
Aah!
- watch, watch, watch.
- hyuh!
[grunting wildly]
- uh-huh.
Shush!
[laughter]
[infectious grooves' feed the monkey]
- she likes to feed the monkey
she likes to feed the monkey
she likes the monkey
well, gather round and let me tell you
all a story
about a boy and his monkey
he's got that kind of monkey
that the girls want to know
he likes to take his monkey
every place that he goes
- ow!
- hey ho you see the monkey
- watch this.
- I didn't really know
how it get so hungry
i'd like to know
would you feed the monkey
my monkey likes to do the wild thing
my monkey don't scratch my monkey don't bite
my monkey don't swing no tree
my monkey don't hit my monkey don't drool
my monkey be swing with me
my monkey don't freak my monkey don't trip
my monkey don't wear no cape
but you can tell what my monkey want to eat
'cause he turn into a big old ape
- [shouts]
[horn honks, cheering]
- yeah, buddy!
- what you did was pretty cool.
- oh, who cares about cool anyway, right?
- right.
- well, there's one really cool thing I wanted to show you.
- what?
- this.
[cheers and laughter]
- oh, dave!
- [laughs]
[smoke alarm wailing]
Both: aah!
- it's your cave nug.
- [screams]
- ah ha ha! - ow!
- yay!
- yeah! [cheers and applause]
- oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, buddy! She is so grr-reasy!
- shush! - ah! Hey!
Buddy, ow!
- yeah!
- i'll be ba-ack. [laughs]
[vince neil's you're invited (but your friend can't come)]
- wow
- oh, yeah!
Stoners, what's up, bro?
Whoo! Party fiesta!
- little woman got that look in her eyes
want to cut me down to size
show me what you're gonna do
it's true
who's that gorilla standing by your side
oh, no, it must be your ride
you wouldn't be with such a fool
or your mama too
there's something over here I want you to see
there's a party but it isn't for three
get something straight between you and me
because whoa no
you're invited but your friend can't come
whoa no no
come on babe we're gonna have some fun
wow
heartbreaker yeah you came for the show
but little did you know you'd end up in the spotlight
well all right
come on babe won't you show me what you got
ready or not one two here we go
oh no
i'm making plans for the rest of the night
so tell your guard dog that he better not bite
my dogs are bigger and they're ready to fight
so come on come on come on
give it up tonight
whoa no
you're invited but your friend can't come
whoa no no
come on babe we're gonna have some fun
whoa no
you're invited but your friend can't come
whoa no no
come on babe we're gonna have some fun
we'll have some fun baby
oh but she can't come
wow
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