Hey, Avery, check this out.
I got your Mom this last-minute Christmas gift for tomorrow.
It's a phone case fly zapper.
This part here zaps the flies.
Good idea.
Give Mom a cheap, unromantic gift that she can literally zap you with.
Plus, knowing your mother,
she'd hold it backwards and zap herself.
Wow, this is a really bad invention. Who would buy this?
Hey, hon.
Hey, what's wrong?
I just got off the phone. It's... it's my sister.
Oh, no. Did something happen to her?
Apparently she was on the first leg of her holiday trip and...
I can't even say it.
What happened?
Her connecting flight to Hawaii has been
delayed six hours, so she wants to come visit.
Oh, my gosh. Ellen, I am so sorry.
Listen, we will get through this somehow.
You always think she's gonna visit somebody else... never you.
What's so bad about Aunt Sigourney?
I barely know her.
I've kind of made an effort to keep her out of my life.
Have you ever known anyone
who was just better than you at everything?
No. Honestly, it's hard to even picture.
It wouldn't be so bad if she weren't so snarky about it.
The first time she saw you,
she said you looked like a capuchin monkey.
- I had to protect you from hearing that. - And yet you didn't.
Her life is just so together and perfect.
Especially compared to her plain, old, ordinary big sister.
No one's gonna jump in and say, you're not plain and ordinary?
- Oh, you're not plain. - You're not ordinary.
Too late!
Every time we see each other,
she zeroes in on how I'm a bad housekeeper...
Unsophisticated, unworldly.
Jump in any time.
I'm purposely speaking slowly to give you a chance.
- You're not worldly. - The house is a little cluttered.
Too late!
Point is...
she picks on everything that's wrong with me until I cry.
It's like a sport to her, and making me cry is how she wins.
And now she'll be visiting us, and that leaves me one option!
That's right! You can resolve that this year,
you are not gonna let her get to you!
You are gonna be proud of your life and who you are.
Okay, I have two options.
And yours is probably setting a better example than
jumping in the car and driving till I run out of gas.
Even if you had jumped in the car, you could've stopped for gas.
- That's not the point... - There's like a dozen stations...
Mom!
Maybe this year can be different.
Maybe this year, you won't cry and you can win.
It's not about trying to win.
It's about accepting that family relationships...
Quiet, Bennet. Avery's telling me I can win.
And how exactly would that work Sweetie?
You can get through the few hours that she's here without crying.
I mean, it would be like a marathon runner finishing a race.
Like a boxer going the distance.
But I don't like running,
punching, or being criticized by my sister.
They all make me cry.
Then we won't give her anything to criticize.
She'll see us having a perfect Christmas.
I can help you pull this off, Mom.
It'll be my Christmas gift to you.
Oh, thank you Avery. That's so sweet.
It is sweeter than the hug bucks I get every year from Tyler.
Mom, we can do this.
All we have to do is make sure there are no surprises.
Come on in, Sparky.
I couldn't let a stray, high-strung, untrained dog
spend Christmas out on the street.
So, Sparky is here for Christmas.
My first Christmas here last year meant so much to me.
I just want to give that gift to someone else.
Okay, Sparky. Now press send.
Are you not doing it because you don't understand,
or because you don't think it's good enough?
Delete. Well, that couldn't be clearer.
Or more hurtful.
Dog With a Blog S02E07 Twas the Fight Before Christmas
Come on people. Aunt Sigourney will be here any minute and
we've got a lot to do to make Christmas look perfect.
No, Chloe, your homemade hot dog ornament is extra-special,
so it goes on the back of the tree so it won't break.
That's believable.
Some fourth-graders are teaching me sarcasm.
It's where you say one thing but mean the opposite.
You are such a smart girl.
That means a lot coming from you.
Chloe!
No, I really meant that.
Wow, sarcasm really has a hold of me.
Tyler, what are Chloe's dolls doing in Santa's Village?
Because the Santa I believe in is a player.
He knows who's naughty or nice.
All right. For the next two hours,
I need to stop having to give reasons for things.
Whatever it is,
just trust that I thought it through and that I'm right.
- How is that different from any other day? - It shouldn't be.
And if that's gonna be your attitude,
maybe you shouldn't be a part of this.
Ooh, I can't help decorate for Christmas?
I can't fuss over what ornament goes where?
This is a teenage boy's worst nightmare!
Avery, Tyler's really upset.
No, he isn't. I thought you learned sarcasm.
I just speak it. I don't understand it.
Okay, Aunt Sigourney's going to be here soon.
I just need some way to snap myself out of it if I start to cry.
Oh, I could step on my foot.
What is that?
I accidentally activated my good king wences-socks.
Okay, if you don't want her to criticize you,
take those off immediately.
And if you want to snap yourself out of crying,
try the gift dad got you.
What does this do? Aah!
Ooh, that'll do nicely.
So that's the bathroom.
Although for some reason the people all go inside the house.
What animals.
Did you just track mud in here?
Well, that is not gonna help me get the kids on board.
You better wait here while
I tell them about you. Practice looking cute.
That's not bad, but you gotta work with your paws.
You're leaving a lot of cute on the table.
Thusly.
Just so you know, the
gingerbread ornament is not made of gingerbread.
I hear what you're saying, but I have a feeling I'm
going to have to learn that lesson for myself.
Listen, there's something I want to tell you guys...
There's something I need to tell you, too...
Aunt Sigourney's coming over and Avery's on one
of her crazy missions to make everything perfect.
Like I'm not already perfect.
Still not gingerbread, but it's softening.
Anyway, you may want to steer clear of Avery
with any of your little doggy surprises.
Whoa. Wait a minute,
are you saying no little surprises from me as a doggy,
or no surprises involving a little doggy?
Because those are two very different things.
Both, and what are you even talking about?
Ha-ha! Who knows?
I just got into some weird trash out back. I'm a little loopy.
Okay, new plan.
We hide you out here in
the coat closet until Aunt Sigourney's gone.
But don't worry, we'll make it nice and Christmassy.
Voila!
You want to sing some carols?
Deck the hall closet with boughs of holly.
Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed.
Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah.
This sounds just like O Tannenbaum.
We're home!
Aunt Sigourney. Hyper-critical, insensitive, and better than you.
And that's from her online dating profile.
So I said to the flight attendant,
I don't care if you are pregnant.
Waddle back to the galley and warm up my cookie.
Anyone?
And then, of course, she starts crying,
which made her even slower.
Please?
- Sig! - El!
- You look great. - And you... look at you!
- Aunt Sigourney, hi. - Hi...
Monkey!
And isn't my Mom's outfit great? It's just like yours.
Oh, the knock-offs are out already?
Ooh, that's the stuff.
You know, I should really take off my shoes.
Oh, don't worry about the floor.
I'm not, I'm worried about my shoes.
Are you okay?
I slipped in some mud.
It was my own fault.
For assuming there wouldn't be mud on your kitchen floor.
But don't worry.
I'm sure you're far more humiliated than I am hurt.
If she leaves now and I didn't cry, I win, right?
You sure you're okay?
Bennett could drive you to the emergency room
and then off to the airport.
Please don't make him.
Oh, I know that feeling.
When my back goes out like this,
my doctor says that I should stay off my feet.
I'm going to have to cancel
Hawaii and spend the next three days here.
Man, this thing drains your battery.
See, Sigourney?
I put this on wheels so we can push you around.
I made this just for you.
It's more than just a gurney, it's a Sig-gurney.
You're funny.
That must be why you and Ellen get along so well.
She's always had the sense of humor.
Well, she had to because I had the looks and the brains.
Nope, still charging. Avery,
can I speak to you outside for a moment?
I can't do this.
I was mentally prepared not to cry for a few hours,
not three days.
There's something I've been hiding from you...
I can be a little emotional.
You think you've been hiding that?
I can't hold it together for three days,
Avery, you saw how she was in there.
Pushing my buttons, and then adding insult to injury
by slipping in the mud on my floor.
I'm sure Stan tracked that into the house.
I'll make sure he doesn't mess anything else up.
I told you my present is to make things so great
she'll have nothing to criticize, and you won't cry.
Come on, say it with me; We will win.
- We will win. - Come on!
Say it with all that emotion you're full of.
- That emotion is usually negative. - Mom!
We will win!
How can they be celebrating when I'm in here injured?
It may look like they're having fun,
but those are jumps of concern.
Oh, split-level doghouse.
Yeah, that's expensive. But I could rent out the second story.
He's in here.
Avery sent us to talk to you.
What happened?
I told you Aunt Sigourney was
coming and we needed everything to be perfect.
Then you tracked mud in the house!
That's right I did it. Nobody else did it.
No other dog in this house. I take full responsibility.
There's a small dog licking my haunches, isn't there?
He's so cute.
Where did he come from?
I took in a stray for Christmas and he got out.
What's your name, little guy?
My name's Sparky.
Naw, I'm just kidding, he doesn't talk.
Look, I'm sorry he tracked in the mud.
Please don't tell anybody about him.
They'll never let him stay
with this whole Aunt Sigourney thing going on.
We can't put him out alone on Christmas.
Then I guess we have to keep Sparky a secret.
It shouldn't be too hard for
the three of us to keep an eye on one little...
- Seriously? - Don't feel bad.
I've lost tons of lizards and rats and snakes in this house.
- What? - What?
Mmm. Mom, the cookies taste great, everything looks perfect.
Aunt Sigourney will have nothing to criticize.
You will make it through without crying.
It's so beautiful you helping me like this.
Tears of joy still count.
Here, it's fully charged.
Ooh, you upped the juice.
Hey, dad, why don't you bring Aunt Sigourney in
here to enjoy the wonderful Christmas decorations?
So he kept begging, you're the most fascinating,
beautiful girl that I've ever met.
Would you go to this thing with me tonight?
Until finally I said yes.
What are you guys talking about?
I was just telling him about
the night that your prom date came to pick you up.
Hmm. So, Aunt Sigourney, do
you like the way my Mom decorated for Christmas?
It's pretty perfect, huh?
It's very nice.
Way to go, Mom, you just went to her prom!
I actually did, I chaperoned.
Here, Aunt Sigourney, try one of these Christmas cookies.
My Mom made them.
Yes, yes, I did. I totally made them.
- What kind are they? - Chocolate.
Ginger-wafer-snap-doodles.
I saw Sparky come this way.
We gotta find him before they do or they'll kick him out.
Guys, we've been entertaining Aunt Sigourney.
- Where have you been? - Looking for the little dog.
Uh, our little dog. Stan.
I called him little because I'm practicing for when I get bigger.
I am gonna grow.
She's not getting any smaller, that's for sure.
Sig, you remember the kids from the wedding.
Taylor, Cleo, hello.
Those aren't our names.
Then no, no. I don't remember them.
Sparky!
What? Has my shoe been chewed up?
Sorry.
Is this behavior normal?
Well, in child psychology there is no normal behavior.
But no.
Merry Christmas. Oh, here, have a Tyler hug buck.
In fact, have a few.
Yeah, I'm making it rain.
Who's Tyler?
No wonder little Cleo eats shoes.
There!
Over there!
Ellen, this must be so humiliating for you.
Stan, how could you bring a stray into the house?
Aunt Sigourney could have been seriously,
albeit comedically, hurt.
So could my hot dog ornament.
Thanks, Avery, for keeping it safe on the back of the tree.
It's like you knew.
It's Christmas.
I couldn't leave Sparky in the merciless sunny Pasadena winter.
Avery, don't make him spend Christmas all alone.
Yeah. We were gonna have our own little celebration.
Well, that's very sweet, Stan.
I was looking for a squirrel head tree topper.
But the day before Christmas, it's almost impossible to find.
And no one should spend Christmas alone.
But, Sparky, you can't stay on the loose in here.
All right, Sparky will be safe in here with all the air holes
and won't be able to get in any more trouble.
We'll unwrap him and celebrate
with him once Aunt Sigourney goes to bed.
Shouldn't this be under the tree?
It's all wet on the bottom.
Avery must got me that cologne
gift set I wanted and some of it's leaking. Hmm.
Mmm, musky.
All right, you're hanging in there.
I don't know how you didn't cry after Aunt Sigourney was hurled violently,
albeit comedically, into the Christmas Tree.
But if this dinner goes perfectly,
I know we can make it through this whole holiday.
Well, she seems okay.
She's having fun telling
stories about the time she stole your haircut.
She cut off my bangs in the
middle of the night and glued them to her forehead.
And she looked good!
Well, the worst is behind us. Mom is still standing.
And it's smooth sailing from here on.
Starting with the Christmas dinner Mom cooked.
I'm just amazed you found a caterer at the last minute.
Actually, I set this up right after Thanksgiving.
- Really? When? - Like right after.
While we were still in the emergency room.
Well, thank you. And sorry again about Thanksgiving.
- It's fine. - It's behind us.
Well, there's no way Aunt Sigourney could criticize this dinner.
I know. I don't think I'm gonna cry.
In fact... do you think... naw, forget it.
What?
Maybe this time, I could make her cry.
Christmas is a time of miracles.
Ellen, this carrot soup is actually pretty good,
I'm getting a lot of flavor.
Some of it is from the
pine needles and tree sap in my mouth, but...
I'm getting a little carrot, too, so...
Kudos, really.
Thank you.
Did you hear that? I got a compliment out of her.
It was couched in three insults and was for
something I didn't really do, but I'll take it.
I'm tasting the pine needles, too.
That's because Mom bumped
into the tree carrying the soup to the table.
She ruined catered food.
Shh! Aunt Sigourney doesn't know.
She likes it.
Just pull the pine needles out of your soup and be quiet!
Oh, and, this isn't a tomato.
Who's ready for turkey?
Wait till you taste it.
Mom made the stuffing from
a recipe she came up with herself on the fly.
My secret is torn bread and love.
Corn bread and love.
I just wanted to say before the main course that...
Well, this family,
coming together like this on Christmas, it's very...
- It's moving. - Thank you.
No, I mean it's moving!
Sparky!
You know this dog?
- He's a stray. - And it was Christmas.
Ellen, they did say you made the stuffing. Now I believe it.
Mom, no, don't cry. You've come too far.
What is so funny? Everything's been awful, dinner is ruined...
I'm almost crying.
It's just so funny!
Us trying to pretend we have perfect Christmases.
We don't. We have kids
and dogs and last-minute scrambling, and...
Bennett with his cheap, unromantic gifts and my awful cooking.
Christmas around here is
a big loud mess and I love that about it.
Anyway, we must be doing something right,
because I've got kids who
will take in stray dogs for the holidays.
Because no one should be alone on Christmas.
And a daughter who will run
herself ragged just to make me feel like a winner.
Well, I think we all know
what Stan and Sparky are having for dinner now,
so who wants frozen piz...
Zza.
- Aunt Sigourney? - Sig, what's wrong?
I'm a stray dog on Christmas.
I have everything. Everything!
Why don't I have this?
You want this?
Maybe not all year long, but at Christmas...
Why do you...
Think I pretended to throw my back out?
- You were faking? - To be around us?
I try so hard to make my life special...
Maybe the reason I have to...
Be so special, is because I don't, have a family like this.
Aunt Sigourney, you do.
- We did it, we made her cry. - Mm, Merry Christmas Mom.
I don't like to pat myself on the back,
which is good because dogs can't pat themselves on the back.
Not that I'm complaining about who can reach where.
But everything ended up working out great.
I wanted to give Sparky a nice Christmas...
And I ended up giving him a lot more than that.
Aunt Sigourney adopted him.
And renamed him "Snarky".
In fact everyone got to open a present that night.
Merry Christmas everyone.