[classical music playing]
[Muffy] Everything we do is on the off chance
it'll help us get laid by a guy
who might make one of us first fucking lady someday
so we actually have a shot at leaving our mark
on this ass-backwards, patriarchal,
corporate republic we call a country.
Pull it together, Muffy.
-[Muffy] Okay. -[man] Hey, you. [chuckles]
Mm.
[narrator] It's been said that behind every great man
is a great woman.
It's been said so often, Coco actually believed it.
In fact, there was no version of her plan
that didn't involve a great man.
I came across your prep school yearbook. Thought you might like to have it.
[narrator] One such man was Leonard McCullen,
a noted philanthropist who plucked a brilliant
but understimulated Coco
from Chicago's inner-city schools,
helping her channel her ambition
to become the first in her family to go to college.
[Coco] Life plan? I forgot I even did this.
Thinking about law schools yet?
What are you waiting for?
I had a good time with you.
Me too.
So what are you looking for?
I mean, I don't really believe in looking, you know?
I'd just like to...
[narrator] Yeah, yeah. Of course, Coco knew this was white boy for...
You and I both know I could never bring you home
to my parents, but I'd love to hook up,
so I could tell my buddies what it was like to taste your dark chocolate,
-you know what I'm saying? -Sounds good, Todd. Call you.
[narrator] It was times like these
Coco seriously questioned why her dating pool
resembled the audience at a John Mayer concert.
-[Coco] Sorry I'm late. -We just finished.
It's hard having a budget meeting
-without our treasurer. -Calm down, James.
You'll have the whole night to jerk off to Sean Hannity.
We have a deadline for this budget, Co.
Well, what are you doing later?
[Coco] If we consolidate these two events,
we could end up with a surplus.
Mm-hmm.
[narrator] Despite his short attention span,
paltry GPA and the fact that he rejected her freshman year,
Troy was a legacy kid who had the access
a girl like Coco could really get behind.
See something you like?
[narrator] In other words,
Troy had what it took to check her box.
Who do you think you are, you traitorous motherfucker?
That's not rhetorical.
You made Troy look like a drunk overwhelmed boy.
-So you saw the article. -Are you trying to be funny?
Look, can we not do this in front of people?
You didn't keep your article to yourself.
I'm not keeping my opinion to myself.
Look, I didn't do it to betray him, okay?
People needed to see that even someone like Troy
and a kid like Reggie are one and the same.
And the fact that you would air his dirty laundry and betray him--
I didn't betray him.
Look, Coco, he told me a lot more.
I could have written a lot more.
Like what?
Look, I don't feel like it's right for me
-to divulge Troy's personal business. -What's going on?
I was just here enjoying the pan sausage,
and Coco was here and loud, scary.
He wasn't talking to you. What the hell is wrong with you?
Why would you say these things? What were you thinking?
None of these questions are rhetorical.
Coco, I was just answering a few questions that Lionel had for me.
You want to run away and never speak to him again?
He's the dean and your father.
This is not how you work the press.
No one needs to know that your daddy didn't wish you happy birthday.
You need to calm down.
No, you need to calm down.
Wait.
Why are you so calm?
I just came from seeing my dad.
Look, I thought he was gonna give me a lecture,
and instead, he gave me this watch.
So...
we good?
Oh, no, we gonna talk.
But, yeah, you can go off and finish your pan sausage.
[sighs] So what happened?
[sighs] It was really weird.
He had actually read the article and was all nice about it.
He even insinuated he loves me.
Then he invited me to some big donor thing because he wants me to get more involved.
And less like a puppet.
Wow. How long you been sitting on that one?
-Hmm. -And to think
I was going to invite you.
Oh, that's so cute. You think you have a choice.
Yeah, you won't believe where we're going.
[Coco] The Hancocks?
Students don't get to meet the Hancocks.
This is the inner, inner circle.
We'll be involved in the biggest decisions at Winchester.
I have some initial thoughts.
Then next year, I'll become student body president.
You'll move up to student chair on the board of trustees.
And when we graduate, we'll have our pick of law schools.
We'll both go to Columbia, of course,
because we have to live in New York,
and NYU is a joke.
Ooh, and when we're in Washington,
you'll work on the Hill, and I'll be a hotshot lobbyist.
-Mm. -Ooh.
Mm.
I wonder if that's a conflict of interest.
I'll do some research.
And eventually the White House.
-Or I'll run. -Ooh.
No, you first.
At the inauguration, Jason Wu will design a gown so regal
that when Kate Middleton sees it,
she's gonna shit her britches.
[Troy moans]
[Coco] How do you feel about kids?
Hypothetically.
I'm thinking a girl and a boy, three years apart,
Penelope and Prescott.
Hypothetically. I'm on the pill.
[both moaning]
-Oh! -[Coco screams]
-[Coco] Oh, my God. -Oh, shit.
[Coco] I need you to leave.
Now.
Coco, I don't care about the wig.
-What wig? -[chuckles]
-Coco... -[whimpers]
Colandrea.
The hair is great, but I have always dug the girl wearing it.
Keep going. You're on the right track.
[Troy sighs]
Better?
There she is.
Look, you know you'd still be fine as hell with no hair at all.
I mean, don't get, like, a baldy or anything.
[Coco chuckles]
[chattering]
Coco.
Wow.
Thank you.
[Coco chuckles softly]
[laughing]
[woman] The thing about Keynesian economics is,
you either end a recession, or you lose a few pounds.
[laughing]
Of course, the only recession Eva cares about
is my hairline.
[laughing]
Laughing at dumb rich people jokes is terrible.
Laughing at dumb rich people jokes is lucrative.
Listen to her, Troy, and you'll go far.
How are you, my friend?
Look who I found wandering around in the hall.
-Hello. -Oh, my goodness.
[both laugh]
Douglas, Eva, please say hello to Professor Hobbs.
-Hello. -[Douglas] Welcome.
Thank you. Hello, Troy.
Doesn't that look delicious?
Can you show me where you found those?
You know I love a blackberry.
Of course. Follow me.
I'll be right back.
[Neika] Monique and I have set a wedding date.
-[Troy] Really? -[Neika] Really.
[Troy] You're going through with this?
Troy, this is what a grown-up relationship looks like.
Ooh, secrets, secrets are no fun.
Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
[women laugh]
Well, I was just telling Troy about my wedding plans.
My fiancée Monique wants a destination wedding in Hawaii.
Ooh, Hawaii. Exotic.
And far from here.
Bye, kids.
A one-percent uptick in admissions rate,
and the board is up in arms,
and I thought that the rich loved the one percent.
-[laughing] -What do you think, Troy?
I... [clears throat]
I think it's good.
In fact, while we're at it,
I think we should look at prospective students
with more community service experience,
and everyone benefits from smart, passionate
young people volunteering.
And the best part of Troy's idea-- and he has a lot of good ones--
is that you'll get more applicants. You'll admit the same number of them,
and the acceptance rate goes down, and that's something to brag about.
And I do enjoy bragging.
[Coco] My mentor Leonard McCullen
always says don't deny the world the truth about yourself
just because it's good.
I had no idea that you were one of the McCullen Scholars.
He always had a keen eye for talented youth.
Yes, he is very generous.
We've always been generous in the past,
but given what's been happening on campus lately,
first that god-awful party...
[Douglas] Then that officer pulling the gun on the student.
It was truly terrible.
That's why you're gonna be happy to hear that Troy is leading a town hall
for students to express their grievances.
Yes, I think an open forum helps quell tension.
[Fletcher] Exactly.
In a few months, everyone's gonna be joining hands and singing "Kumbaya."
-[laughing] -[Eva] Really?
Because from what we've heard,
some students are planning to protest your town hall.
It wouldn't be a college without a student protest.
You remember those days.
But aren't you worried about the attention of the national press?
You know why this is happening.
Self-segregation.
[Fairbanks] Now, Eva, I was head of A-P House
when I was Troy's age, and I can assure you,
it is a wonderful tradition.
Allowing dorms to take their natural demographic shape
gives students a pride in creating their own enclaves,
a safe space, if you will.
And it can reduce the feeling of otherness at Winchester.
Eva and I believe that having students
of different backgrounds intermingle
creates an exchange of cultural ideas.
I never would have thought of opening a charter school
in Africa if it weren't for my law school roommate Fahim.
Oh, you opened an African charter school?
We're still looking at the numbers.
Well, I think we can consider
changing housing policies in the future,
but for right now--
Surely, our generosity buys some consideration.
Oh, port, anyone?
I think that went really well.
Troy, this is not what going well looks like.
These people are talking about pulling
their ten-million-dollar donation.
I didn't hear them say that.
Trust me, I'm fluent in WASP.
[Neika] Actually, she's right.
Why do you think you're here?
Because after that article,
my father wants to prove he loves and respects me
and that he's trying to make things better between us.
No, that's not it.
You're here to show that not all black students want to burn this place down.
You're props.
-Of course we are. -[Troy sighs]
If integrating A-P is the only thing in the way of this school
and the support of its largest donors,
what do you think is gonna happen?
Can we please just stop talking about this already?
I'm telling you, this is your opportunity
to ingratiate yourself to some very influential people.
The Hancocks have a problem.
If you can be the one to solve it,
think of what they can do for you.
I don't know.
This is your chance to make your mark.
You need to get Sam to cancel the protest.
Sam won't listen to me. She never has.
Well, then make her.
How?
You can be very persuasive.
[chuckles] I mean, you did manage
to convince a professor to have an affair with you.
How did you know?
You just told me.
Excuse me.
[crying softly]
[sniffles]
-[yells] -[Lionel squeals]
I-I am sorry. I didn't mean to--
I should go.
I'm gonna go. I'll go.
[Coco] No, it's fine.
I'm the one fucking crying in your bathroom.
Now I know what you didn't put in the article.
Oh, huh, he told you about the pee stuff?
Pee stuff?
-No. -Neika.
Obviously, about the Neika stuff.
Yep, that makes way more sense.
I'll give you a minute.
[Coco] Lionel.
It's not as good as you think it is.
What?
Being with him.
Yeah.
[Sam] Dear White People of Pastiche--
which is redundant-- redacted pages?
That's what you're calling satire these days?
You think you can scare me off with that nonsense?
That's just as ridiculous as the administration
holding a town hall, thinking they can placate us.
The more you try to silence us,
mock us, discredit us,
the more resolved we are to change things.
This shit is fuel.
[knocks]
[mouths words]
Hey, Sam. Have a minute?
What's up with your hair?
I mean, I love it, but do you need money?
Are you high?
Not since your peace offering.
No, it's been a while since you and I sat around
and talked.
Yeah.
We used to talk some shit.
I got to hand it to you,
at least your shit-talking is changing the world.
[Coco chuckles softly]
What's going on?
Nothing.
Don't "nothing" me. I know you.
Whenever you hit the kitchen like this,
something's wrong.
What's going on with you and white bae?
I really fucked things up.
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, we could talk about something else.
[Sam] Maybe I'm not supposed to have a personal life.
Maybe all of this is a sign that I'm just supposed to focus
on the important things.
Like your protest?
Sam, you don't have to be a slave to the cause, you know.
It's bigger than me, Co.
If you really want to change things,
don't protest the town hall.
What are you talking about?
There are some very influential people who want to integrate A-P.
This protest could send them over the edge.
Integrate A-P?
I don't know who these people are
or what edge they're on, but they can jump the fuck off.
Sam, they've pledged ten million dollars to the university.
That could go towards recruiting students of color--
Troy's got you drinking his Kool-Aid--
or rather his daddy's Kool-Aid.
So you came to give me a taste, but guess what.
I ain't thirsty, girl.
Troy doesn't even know I'm here.
Really?
Coco, what are you doing here?
She's trying to convince me to stop the protest,
which you put her up to, so don't act all surprised.
Why would you do that?
I figured you weren't going to do it.
You're right, I wasn't.
Thank you.
So why are you here now?
To ask you not to protest.
[laughs]
Wow!
You two are the fucking worst.
Next time, coordinate your Uncle Tom-foolery
before you come up in here.
Sam, you're always trying to improve the black experience at Winchester.
How are you gonna feel when A-P's gone and it's your fault?
Troy, people have tried that before.
It didn't happen then, and it won't happen now...
and I will not be bought.
Fine.
But I'm gonna fight you on this.
Bring it.
We should have known you can't reason with her.
We?
What the hell was that about?
You tell me.
You were badgering me into doing something.
Then I go do it and find you there ahead of me doing it.
You know I was just trying to help.
Were you? Or did you think I can't get anything done without you?
Coco, what do you even like about me?
And nothing about power or success
and nothing physical or sexual.
I mean, what is it about me as a person?
What are you talking about?
You don't like me.
You like the idea of me.
No, not even. You like the idea of us.
Are you breaking up with me?
I wasn't thinking of it so much as a breakup,
since we weren't really together.
Are you fucking kidding me?
We never said we were exclusive.
I told you the names of our kids, and you said nothing.
That's a relationship.
That's a delusion.
What am I doing?
[sighs]
I'm smarter than you.
I'm more ambitious than you.
Thirty years from now
when I am the second black female president...
all you'll be able to do is think about me.
And I won't remember your name.
I hope you're right.
[scoffs]
I can't believe I gave up my hair for you.
[rock music playing]
♪ I'm not searching ♪
♪ But I can change ♪
♪ Anything you don't like ♪
♪ We live in unreasonable times ♪
♪ I'm not a servant ♪
♪ To my own desires ♪
♪ I'll trade in ♪
♪ Anything you don't like ♪
♪ We live in unreasonable times ♪