♪♪♪ (theme)
Lori, check the temperature on that chest wound.
This is just the beginning of autumn in Korea,
and already there's a real chill in the air.
Before winter even arrives,
the temperature will dip below zero,
and all that after a summer of unbearable heat.
If you were going to hold a war,
this is probably the most brutal climate on Earth
in which to do it.
Uh, Commanding officer‐‐
‐Commanding officer. ‐Quartermaster corps.
Quartermaster corps.
‐Uh, sir... ‐Sir, Seoul, sir.
Seoul, sir. right.
Uh, I gratefully acknowledge the receipt
of your latest shipment of supplies to our unit.
Shipment of supplies to our unit.
The mosquito netting and the summer underwear
were very much appreciated.
I am wearing so many pair of cotton drawers,
my thighs don't know each other anymore.
Thighs don't know each other anymore.
Don't tell him about my thighs, Corp.
‐What's the matter with you? ‐I'm sorry.
‐Blow in my ear. ‐What?
I'm so cold, I think my pilot's gone out.
MAN (on P. A.): Attention.
Due to shortage of oil and wood,
tonight's movie will be burned at 1800 hours.
Where did you get that wood, soldier?
My sister sent it to me, sir.
Oh.
You're five miles from the front
on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week,
and the O. R. sessions
must be a source of great tension.
What do you do to relax?
Relax?
You do get a chance to relax, don't you?
For relaxation, I collapse.
I like to stay in shape,
so I drink a lot.
That's, uh... that's the really big sport here.
Poker. I know that may sound very strange,
but poker relaxes me.
There's nothing more satisfying
than shearing the flock, as it were.
Of course, it all goes to the orphans.
Well, almost all of it.
Music is my sanctuary‐‐ classical.
It reminds me that there is still
some grace and culture left in the world.
Oh, in general, I'd say with a lot of horseplay‐‐
taking out your frustrations on other people.
You know, good, clean, American fun.
(laughing)
I'm sorry.
Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.
You want to hear something really wild?
Come here.
Ohh!
I don't want to lie to you.
I've established some wonderful temporary relationships
with a lot of the nurses here.
I like to think of myself
as a social director of the heart.
Hawkeye?
Hmm?
Tell me the truth.
Do you respect me?
Do I respect the flag, apple pie, hamburgers?
The loyalty of a fine dog?
That's all I wanted to know.
What am I doing?
Whatever it is, I approve.
You're married, madam.
You're a married madam. Why don't I go away?
Hawkeye, I am not married.
‐You're not married? ‐Never have been.
Move over, Lieutenant.
Does every new nurse fall in love with you here?
No, only the ones with taste.
Do you think I have any?
I don't know. Let me taste you.
(gunshots)
Hawkeye, that make me crazy.
My lips were made by Stradivarius.
Sickening.
Animals.
What do you do to relax around here?
Relax? I don't dare. If I do,
somebody will think I like it here.
Are you a guy
or a hairy broad with a deep voice?
I'm all man, Clyde.
‐The clothes are a dodge. ‐A what?
If I keep wearing women's clothes,
maybe they'll give me a Section 8
and send me home.
How long you been at this?
Two years April 22.
Klinger, you've asked for my advice.
Now, I realize how badly you want out of the army‐‐
Yes, sir.
It's, uh, my considered opinion
that no one's going to believe that you're pregnant.
Colonel Potter, sir!
Corporal Klinger.
I'm Section 8, head to toe.
I'm wearing a Warner bra.
I play with dolls.
My last wish is to be buried
in my mother's wedding gown.
I'm nuts. I should be out.
Horse hockey.
‐Klinger! ‐Sir!
How dare you wear that hat while in uniform?
It's spring, sir.
POTTER: Now what?
Caught this man walking into the stream
seven miles down the road, Colonel.
I would have made it if they hadn't nailed me.
I had it all figured‐‐
downstream to the Inchon river
then out to the Sea of Japan,
and then to the Golden Gate!
You'd have drowned.
No chance, sir!
Oh! Aah! Oh, boy!
Got this in mail call today, sir.
What is it?
A letter from my mother.
"Dear son"‐‐
You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
"I hate to bother you in the middle of a war,
"but I have some terrible news.
Your father is very sick."
"We know your colonel has a good heart,
"and surely he'll let you come home
"for your father's funeral
or his 65th birthday, whichever comes first."
Uh‐huh.
Here we go.
Father dying, right?
Yes, sir.
"Father dying" last year.
"Mother dying" last year.
"Mother and father dying."
"Mother, father, and older sister dying."
"Mother dying and older sister pregnant."
Here's an oldie but a goodie.
"Half of the family dying, other half pregnant."
Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Yes, sir.
I don't deserve to be in the army.
He's the only sane one here.
It's the rest of us that are crazy.
None of us wants to be here.
I don't want to be here.
Radar doesn't want to be here.
The doctors, the nurses,
certainly the wounded don't want to be here.
But we've got to do our best.
People who don't have a stomach for this don't belong here.
You're right. Let's all go home.
Colonel, I am requesting
that you officially and formally
approve my transfer.
Mother and Dad, I will put this as eloquently
and succinctly as possible.
Get me the hell out of here!
♪ A chaplain in the army has a collar on his neck ♪
♪ If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck ♪
♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go home ♪
♪ Oh, the surgeons in the army, they say we're mighty bright ♪
♪ We work on soldiers through the day ♪
♪ And nurses through the night ♪
♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go home ♪
♪ Oh, some guys like the army, I think that it's a mess ♪
♪ If it's so damn terrific, how come I wear a dress? ♪
(cheering)
♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go ♪
♪ But they won't let me go ♪
♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go home ♪
(cheering)
ANNOUNCER: More men and more equipment
continue to pour into war‐torn Korea‐‐
a grim reminder
that the conflict now grinding into its third year
is far from over.
Battle‐weary foot soldiers
trudge through the ravaged countryside,
reluctant witnesses to the awesome devastation.
How has being a part of all this, the war,
changed you?
I'm very impressed now with the...
terrible fragility of the human body
and the, uh...
the unbelievable resiliency of the human spirit.
And it's made me...
very, very angry.
It's allowed me to work fairly closely
without becoming contaminated
with people of vastly divergent points of view.
I've learned more about myself
and how much I really care about people.
Let's face it, Major‐‐ you don't trust us.
And do you trust me? You act like I'm the enemy.
All right. If I had asked your permission last night,
what would you have done?
I would have said no.
See?
Not because it's against regulations,
but because of the rotten way you've treated me.
The way we've treated you?
What are you talking about?
Did you ever show me any kind of friendship?
Ask my help with a personal problem?
Include me in one of your little bull sessions?
Can you imagine what it feels like to...
to walk by this tent and hear you laughing
and know I‐I'm not welcome?
Did you ever once ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
We didn't think you'd accept.
Well, you were wrong.
Um, I feel as old as I'm ever going to get.
Older than I ever intended to be.
And I...really can't wait to go home.
When this is over,
when there's no more reason for you to be here,
what memories will you take home with you?
That's easy.
The face of every kid who's come through here.
But there must be other things you will recall.
I don't know. I don't think that you remember the bad stuff
as much as you think you will.
I think, uh, I think I'll never forget the day I go home.
At the moment, I can't imagine it.
No memories. I blot it out as it happens.
The people here at MASH.
They're like family.
No, they are family.
Yes.
Family.
The little Korean children.
Their smiles amidst all this despair.
All the good times.
That's what I'll remember.
I think there were three.
What these young people have‐‐ their dedication
their devotion, almost, their high spirits‐‐
has rubbed off on me.
I feel ten years younger. I'm a better doctor,
and most important, I'm a better human being
and I don't have to remember that.
It's part of me.
One day.
One very bad day.
‐Colonel? ‐Yo.
Do you know what I found in this morning's mail?
Now, that's a tough one.
Hum a few bars.
You're going home.
I'm going home?
You got all your points. They're discharging you.
Discharged?
Tokyo, San Francisco, then home.
I'm going home.
I'm discharged.
I'm going‐‐ I'm going home!
(cheering, applause, whistling)
♪♪♪
Company, ten‐hut!
Take it easy, will you, Frank?
And, uh, stuff that whistle someplace.
Does the colonel wish to review his troops?
No, I just want to say good‐bye.
Well, okay.
So long, Hawk.
I'm afraid just a handshake won't do it, Henry.
Henry, that, uh, that suit is really you.
HAWKEYE: If you're Adolphe Menjou.
Gwen.
Klinger, that outfit
might just get you that Section 8.
I made it just for this occasion, sir.
Well, uh, so long, everybody.
So long and, uh, good luck.
‐Henry. ‐Huh?
You think I should?
Why not?
Yeah. Why not?
‐(whistling, cheering) ‐HAWKEYE: Wow!
♪♪♪ (Reveille on bugle)
♪♪♪
‐Woo‐woo! ‐Woo!
She's all yours, Frank.
Have a good trip.
Take it easy, pal.
You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back and kick your butt.
Yes, sir.
TRAPPER: Radar, put a mask on.
If that's my discharge, give it to me straight.
I can take it.
I have a message.
(sigh)
Lieutenant Colonel... Henry Blake's plane...
was shot down over the Sea of Japan.
It spun in.
There were no survivors.
(sniffle)
There's people here that suffer every day.
And, uh... I don't really want to talk about this.
When the doctors cut into a patient,
and it's cold, you know,
the way it is now today,
steam rises from the body.
And the doctor will‐‐
will warm himself over the open wound.
Could anyone look on that and not feel changed?
HAWKEYE: The wounded keep coming and coming.
The common denominator is blood.
It's all red, and there's an awful lot of it
leaking out around here.
(chatter)
(explosion)
I just don't know why they're shooting at us.
All we want to do
is bring them democracy and white bread.
Transplant the American dream‐‐
freedom, achievement, hyperacidity,
affluence, flatulence, technology, tension,
the inalienable right to an early coronary
sitting at your desk
while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
That's entertainment.
Hear you had to leave the O. R. this morning.
That's right, I did.
Somebody said you had to go outside and throw up.
That's right.
How come?
Well, I've always wanted to barf on Uijongbu,
and I just thought the time was ripe.
Wouldn't be anything else, would it?
No, unless it was the fact that most of my blood
came out of a scotch bottle.
I wouldn't know about that. I'm not a doctor.
But I am, so I'm not allowed to be human. Is that it?
You walked out on a patient,
and Major Winchester had to finish for you.
So? I'd have done the same for him if he was sick.
Well, a lot of people don't look at it
like you were sick, Hawkeye.
A lot of people look up to you here.
They admire you,
and they kind of feel like they want to be like you.
And gee, when you walk out on an operation,
they kind of feel like you let them down.
If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well,
maybe there's no point in depending on anything.
Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders.
Don't you know how much this place stinks?
Don't you know what it's like
to stand, day after day, in blood?
In the blood of children?
I hate this place,
and if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction,
then the hell with it.
How dare you?
The hell with your Iowa naiveté,
and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear,
and while you're at it, to hell with you.
Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud?
I'm not here for you to admire.
I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder,
if possible without going crazy, period.
Wounded.
Klinger says a lot.
I don't care.
I really don't.
They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not.
Trapper went home. They're still coming.
Henry got killed, and they're still coming.
Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.
Are you serious?
Dead serious.
I've watched guys die almost every day.
Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Because you're a doctor.
What the hell does that mean?
I don't know.
If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.
Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic?
Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school:
there are certain rules about a war.
And rule number 1 is young men die,
and rule number 2
is doctors can't change rule number 1.
There's no way to summarize
what you've just seen and heard,
save to say that, God willing,
all these exceptional people will be going home one day.
Let us hope that neither they nor any others
will ever have to assemble for such a purpose again.
Good night.
♪♪♪ (theme)