ladies and gentlemen Donald J Trump
thank you what a great honor it must be
for you to honor me tonight especially
here where I made my name in Fortune New
York City great place
now I know what you're thinking mr.
Trump sir why would you ever do this
roast honestly it was worth it because
it's all going to charity and they paid
a lot believe me but the truth is I
specifically hand-picked these
recessionary basic-cable
nobodies so that the city I love the
city that never sleeps
could finally get a well-deserved nap
this dais is the perfect metaphor for
where America stands today look at our
economy barely moving gasping for air
and desperately clinging to life
very much like Larry King the only
differences with Larry we have a
never-ending supply of gas never ends
this great country of ours was built on
its entrepreneurial spirit and that
spirit is best demonstrated by none
other than my friend Snoop Dogg his is a
tale of do rags to riches
well true he's very proud of that that's
why I'm so happy to see snoop sitting up
here next to his former rival Biggie
Smalls
right I want to talk about what of the
women of the day is this amazing lady
struggles with a seemingly
insurmountable physical handicap I speak
of course of Whitney Cummings Whitney's
career is crippled by her foul mouth to
hear that filthy language from someone
so marginally attractive it's frankly
very unpleasant Lisa or as I call her
Miss USDA
I want you to be a judge at my next Miss
Universe pageant
you're perfect because like the universe
you're constantly expanding and filled
with dark matter
but there are some things that have
brought shame upon this great land of
ours besides Lisa I speak of the
atrocities that we as a nation must
endure like the Jersey Shore a piece of
advice my greasy friend you don't need
to put all of that product in your hair
you just don't look how great my hair
looks and I don't use anything and it
looks very good what's the difference
between a wet raccoon and Donald J
Trump's hair a wet raccoon doesn't have
seven billion dollars in the back
very funny very funny America is going
through tough times and we all need to
laugh true I know that better days are
ahead if we believe in ourselves and the
way I believe in myself and I really do
believe in myself then come June if I
decide to run you'll have the great
pleasure of voting for the man that will
easily go down as the greatest president
in the history of the United States mean
Donald John Trump god bless america and
good night