>> Steve: FROM 30 ROCKEFELLER
PLAZA HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,
IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING
JIMMY FALLON."
AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: WOW!
WOW.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
PLEASE -
WELCOME.
HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW", EVERYBODY.
YOU'RE HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
FINALLY.
LET'S START THE SHOW, FINALLY,
HERE
CAN WE PLEASE?
GOSH, IT WAS HOT THIS WEEKEND.
OH, MY GOSH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: WAS IT
IT WAS HOT
>> Jimmy: WHAT'S THAT?
>> Steve: WAS IT HOT
>> Jimmy: IT WAS VERY HOT.
THE HEAT WAS BRUTAL, ALL AROUND
THE COUNTRY.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS,
ICE CREAM TRUCK DRIVERS SOLD
MORE ICE CREAM THAN WEED
>> Steve: REALLY
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: FOR THE FIRST TIME,
YEAH -
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THIS IS THE FIRST --
GET THIS, IT WAS SO HOT THAT
HERE IN NEW YORK, THEY HAD TO
CANCEL THE NEW YORK CITY
TRIATHLON.
[ AUDIENCE AWS ]
WHICH MEANS 4,000 PEOPLE WERE
JUST WANDERING THE STREETS
GOING, "NOW WHAT DO I BRAG
ABOUT ON INSTAGRAM?"
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, "MY BRUNCH?"
WELL, THROUGHOUT THE WEEKEND,
PEOPLE CAME UP WITH INTERESTING
WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT.
CHECK OUT WHAT ONE GUY DID WHEN
HE HAD TO SWING BY THE STORE
CAPTURED A MAN WALKING INTO
A SPECIALTY STORY IN
BENNINGTON, VERMONT -- NAKED
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THE GUY WAS LIKE,
"IT'S HOT OUT THERE.
AND THE CASHIER SAID, "ARE YOU
SURE IT'S NOT COLD?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
>> Steve: OH
OH
HEY!
>> Jimmy: VERY SHARP
VERY SHARP CASHIER
BY THE WAY, YOU DON'T WANT TO
KNOW WHERE THAT GUY WAS KEEPING
HIS WALLET
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M JUST SAYING.
LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS HERE.
OVER THE WEEKEND, WHITE HOUSE
ADVISER STEPHEN MILLER WENT ON
FOX NEWS AND SAID THAT TRUMP IS
NOT A RACIST
PEOPLE AT HOME WERE CONFUSED
THEY COULDN'T TELL IF THEY WERE
WATCHING FOX NEWS OR "BIG
LITTLE LIES.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
CHECK THIS OUT
OVER THE WEEKEND, TRUMP ASKED
SWEDEN'S PRIME MINISTER TO FREE
RAPPER A$AP ROCKY FROM JAIL.
THEN SWEDEN'S PRIME MINISTER
WAS LIKE, "WE'RE THE HOME OF
IKEA, WE DON'T DO ANYTHING
ASAP."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOME MORE NEWS ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT.
OVER THE WEEKEND, A COUPLE AT
TRUMP'S NEW JERSEY GOLF CLUB
HELD A "MAKE AMERICA GREAT
AGAIN" THEMED WEDDING AND HE
ACTUALLY CRASHED IT.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
YEAH, HE SHOWED UP
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, HE CUT IN RIGHT AFTER
HEARING, "YOU MAY NOW KISS THE
BRIDE.
HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, LET ME
GET IN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
HEY GUYS, THIS WEEKEND WAS THE
50th ANNIVERSARY OF THE MOON
LANDING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT'S CRAZY
ONLY 12 PEOPLE HAVE EVER SET
FOOT ON THE MOON AND NOBODY'S
BEEN THERE SINCE 1972.
SO IT'S BASICALLY THE JC PENNEY
OF SPACE
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: OUCH
>> Jimmy: SOME ENTERTAINMENT
NEWS
EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT THE
TRAILER FOR THE NEW "CATS"
MOVIE.
>> Tariq: OH, THEY SURE ARE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND NOW I CAN FINALLY TRY OUT
MY NEW SEGMENT, "TARIQ'S CAT
CORNER."
IT'S PUURRFECT TIMING.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ACTUALLY TARIQ, WE
HAD TO CUT "CAT CORNER" FOR
TONIGHT.
SORRY, MAN
>> Tariq: OH, I SEE.
♪
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I GUESS I'LL JUST PUT ALL MY
CAT TOYS AWAY.
>> Jimmy: COME ON, TARIQ
DON'T BE LIKE THAT
WE'LL DO THE SEGMENT ANOTHER
TIME
IT'S JUST --
>> Tariq: ANOTHER TIME
THE "CATS" TRAILER JUST CAME
OUT.
WHEN'S IT GOING TO BE A BETTER
TIME THAN NOW?
>> Jimmy: LOOK, WE HAVE TO MOVE
ON, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S LIKE WE DON'T HAVE TIME
TONIGHT.
SO, I'M SORRY.
WE HAD TO CUT IT
>> Tariq: IT'S FINE.
♪ MEMORIES ALL ALONE IN
THE MOONLIGH
I CAN SMILE AT
THE OLD DAYS ♪
>> Jimmy: DON'T DO THIS.
JUST -
♪ I WAS BEAUTIFUL THEN ♪
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, WE DON'T
NEED THIS, TARIQ
THIS -- COME ON.
♪
♪ I REMEMBER THE TIME ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ I KNE
I KNEW WHAT HAPPINESS WAS ♪
>> Jimmy: IT'S NOT EVEN CATS
FROM THE MOVIE
IT'S GENERIC PICTURES OF CATS.
♪ LET THE MEMOR
LIVE AGAIN ♪
♪
♪ TOUCH M
IT'S SO EASY TO LEAVE ME
ALL ALONE WITH
MY MEMORIES OF ♪
♪ OF MY DAYS IN THE SUN
IF YOU TOUCH ME ♪
♪ IF I TOUCH YO
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT
HAPPINESS IS ♪
♪ LOOK A NEW DA
HAS BEGUN ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WELL, AS I SAID,
WE'RE GOING TO GET TO "CAT
CORNER" NEXT WEEK.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Tariq: MEOW
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HEY, GUYS, THIS IS
GOING VIRAL.
DID YOU SEE THIS
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL WAS IN THE
CROWD FOR A BIG MUSIC FESTIVAL
IN BELGIUM THIS WEEKEND.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT HIM.
♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S LIKE --
>> Steve: WHAT
>> Jimmy: IT'S LIKE A REVERSE
"WHERE'S WALDO."
IT'S CALLED "THERE'S WALDO."
ALSO, CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING THE
GUY STANDING BEHIND SHAQ
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
HE'S LIKE, YOU GOT TO BE
KIDDING ME
OUT OF 100,000 PEOPLE, SHAQ IS
STANDING IN FRONT OF ME?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THE CONCERT ABRUPTLY ENDED WHEN
SHAQ TRIED TO CROWD SURF
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: VERY SAD
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, TODAY, THE FIRST
TRAILER CAME OUT FOR THE NEW
MR. ROGERS MOVIE, "A BEAUTIFUL
DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
IT STARS TOM HANKS
AND JUDGING BY THE CLIP THEY
SENT IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
WATCH THIS
♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DA
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR
NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE
COULD YOU BE MIN
WON'T YOU BE M
WILSON ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHO'S ON
THE SHOW TONIGHT
BUT FIRST, GIVE IT UP FOR
THE ROOTS, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: GREAT SHOW TONIGHT
TWO OF THE FUNNIEST MEN IN THE
WORLD ARE HERE
DAVID SPADE IS HERE.
>> Steve: COME ON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
COME ON!
>> Jimmy: SO FUNNY
>> Steve: HILARIOUS.
>> Jimmy: JEFF FOXWORTHY IS
HERE TONIGHT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Steve: WHAT
>> Jimmy: VERY FUNNY
AND WE HAVE GREAT MUSIC FROM
RED HEARSE, EVERYBODY.
HERE YOU GO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I HAD A GREAT WEEKEND.
IT WAS MY DAUGHTER'S SIXTH
BIRTHDAY
[ AUDIENCE AWS ]
VERY CUTE.
BUT IT WAS A HUNDRED -
IT WAS REALLY -- IT WAS LIKE
110 DEGREES.
SO I WAS JUST AFRAID
I DIDN'T WANT ANY HUMANS
DYING --
>> Steve: MISHAPS, YEAH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: AT MY PARTY.
>> Steve: YEAH
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN -
>> Jimmy: BECAUSE WE HAD A
A PARTY --
AND IT WAS GREAT
EVERYONE SURVIVED, IT WAS
REALLY GOOD.
BUT -- NO IT WAS REALLY SWEET.
SHE LOVED IT
SHE KIND OF GETS WHAT PARTIES
ARE NOW.
SO SHE'S LIKE SHE'S REALLY
HAPPY EVERYONE WAS THERE
AND LOVED THE CAKE AND WAS LIKE
KIND OF SHY.
IT WAS JUST GREAT.
I ASKED PEOPLE, NO GIFTS,
BECAUSE WE'RE VERY SPOILED
>> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: SHE HAS EVERYTHING
BUT PEOPLE BROUGHT GIFTS
ANYWAY, SO I PLAYED WITH
EVERYTHING
AND --
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, IT IS TRUE THOUGH.
YOU DO SEE THINGS THAT YOU
DON'T --
YOU FORGET, BECAUSE YOU WERE A
A KID.
BUT SOMEONE GOT WINNIE A
A SPIROGRAPH, DO YOU REMEMBER
THOSE THINGS
>> Steve: OH, YEAH
>> Jimmy: YOU PUT THE COLORED
PENS IN THERE AND MOVE THESE
GEARS AROUND AND IT MAKES
DIFFERENT DESIGNS.
>> Steve: SO GREAT
>> Jimmy: I PLAYED WITH IT FOR
LIKE THREE HOURS
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: A GREAT GIFT
I LOVED IT SO MUCH
BUT SHE'S GREAT,
AND SHE -- WHAT DO YOU CALL IT
SHE -- AS OF YESTERDAY, HER
FAVORITE THING WAS -- MY FRIEND
GOT HER A BACKPACK WITH BOOKS
IN IT.
AND ALSO COLORED PENS AND
A NOTE PAD
AND SHE PULLED OUT THE NOTE
PAD, SHE'S LIKE, "MOM, THESE
ARE ALL BLANK.
I GET TO DRAW.
I'M GONNA START DRAWING" -
LIKE FREAKED OUT ABOUT JUST
EMPTY PAPER.
>> Steve: AWW.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WAS LIKE, "WE HAD
A BOUNCY HOUSE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: COME ON.
>> Jimmy: COME ON.
BUT HEY, SPEAKING OF BOOKS
>> Steve: WHAT'S THAT?
>> Jimmy: OUR BOOK CLUB,
"THE TONIGHT SHOW" SUMMER
READS?
>> Steve: OH, MY GOD
>> Jimmy: BIGGEST HIT WE'VE
EVER -
WELL IT'S ONLY THE SECOND YEAR
WE'VE DONE IT.
BUT --
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IT'S BETTER THAN IT WAS --
>> Steve: LAST YEAR.
>> Jimmy: LAST YEAR.
>> Steve: AND WAY BETTER THAN
THE YEAR BEFORE.
>> Jimmy: WE NEVER DID IT THE
YEAR BEFORE.
>> Steve: THAT'S WHY IT'S SO
MUCH BETTER.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ALREADY, THOUGH, THE
PEOPLE VOTING --
YOU GUYS OUT THERE ARE VOTING
ONLINE AT MORE THAN THREE TIMES
THE AMOUNT THAT VOTED FOR LAST
YEAR'S BOOK.
>> Steve: WOW!
>> Jimmy: SO IT'S LIKE REALLY
A GAME CHANGER
I LOVE IT.
SO I WANT TO QUICKLY GO THROUGH
THE SUMMER READS REALLY FAST,
SO YOU GUYS CAN VOTE ON WHAT
BOOK WE'RE ALL GOING TO READ
TOGETHER
OKAY
THIS IS REAL
WE'VE DONE THIS LAST YEAR.
>> Steve: YEAH
WE READ 'EM EVERY YEAR
>> Jimmy: WELL, NO
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
WE READ THEM LAST YEAR
>> Steve: THE LAST TEN YEARS
>> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO
LAST YEAR WAS THE FIRST YEAR WE
STARTED THIS
>> Steve: EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT
I SAID
THE FIRST YEAR WAS TWO YEARS
AGO.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND MAYBE WE'LL PICK WHICH
ONE --
WHICH ONE --
NO ORDER, I'M GOING TO MIX THEM
UP
JUST NO REAL ORDER
HERE WE GO, "SILENT PATIENT.
OKAY
CHECK THIS OUT
THIS WOMAN IS -- EVERYONE
THOUGHT ALICIA BERENSON WAS
A HAPPILY MARRIED ARTIST, THEN
SHE MURDERS HER HUSBAND.
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: THEN DECIDES TO NOT
TALK EVER AGAIN.
>> Steve: WOW, THAT'S RUDE
>> Jimmy: YEAH
THEN YOU HAVE A PSYCHOTHERAPIST
THAT COMES IN THERE AND TRIES
TO GET HER TO TALK
>> Steve: OOH.
>> Jimmy: AND THEN MAYBE SHE
DOES -
>> Steve: MAYBE SHE DOESN'T?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
READ IT AND FIND OUT
>> Jimmy: "THE SILENT PATIENT.
>> Steve: "THE SILENT PATIENT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH
THIS IS "FLEISCHMAN IS IN
TROUBLE.
THIS IS BY
TAFFY BRODESSER-AKNER, WHO IS
A VERY GOOD WRITER
I'VE READ HER STUFF IN "THE
NEW YORK TIMES" MAGAZINE
STUFF LIKE -
THIS IS HER FIRST NOVEL.
IT'S HUMOROUS, BUT IT'S ALSO A
A GREAT STORY.
IT'S BASICALLY, THIS GUY
FLEISCHMAN, TOBY FLEISCHMAN,
HIS EX-WIFE DROPS THE KIDS OFF,
SAYS, "YEAH, I'LL BE BACK.
DOESN'T COME BACK.
>> Steve: OOH.
>> Jimmy: SO NOW HE'S TRYING TO
RAISE THESE KIDS AND FIGURE OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON.
THEN HE'S LIKE NOT SURE WHAT
HIS MARRIAGE WAS TO BEGIN WITH
WHAT LIFE WAS.
YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND IT'S GOT LAUGHS AND FUN
THINGS IN THERE.
"THE GONE DEAD."
>> Steve: OOH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THIS BY
CHANELLE BENZ.
I THINK THIS IS HER FIRST TIME
NOVEL AS WELL.
THIS IS LIKE A MYSTERY ONE
THIS IS A -- THIS WOMAN
INHERITS A HOUSE, BECAUSE HER
DAD DIED YEARS AGO
BUT SHE INHERITS A HOUSE IN THE
SOUTH.
SHE GOES TO LOOK AT THE HOUSE,
STARTS TALKING TO LOCALS, AND
FINDS OUT THERE'S A RUMOR THAT
SHE WAS MISSING -- OR WENT
MISSING THAT DAY
>> Steve: OOH.
>> Jimmy: OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT
I DON'T THINK SHE WAS
KIDNAPPED.
>> Steve: SHE JUST WENT
MISSING?
>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T READ ANY OF
THESE BOOKS.
>> Steve: RIGHT --
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU HAVEN'T READ THEM YET.
WHY WOULD YOU READ THEM?
>> Jimmy: I'M SAVING IT FOR THE
CONTEST.
>> Steve: YEAH
SAVE THEM FOR THE CONTEST.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW THE IDEA OF
IT
>> Steve: RIGHT.
YOU KNOW AS MUCH AS THE PEOPLE
VOTING ON IT
>> Jimmy: CORRECT, YEAH.
I WANT TO READ IT WITH YOU
GUYS, AND REALLY -
BUT SHE FINDS OUT -- SHE
HERSELF WENT MISSING ON THE DAY
HER FATHER DIED.
YEAH
SHE'S IN -- SHE DOESN'T
REMEMBER THAT.
SO THAT WILL HOPEFULLY PROBABLY
TIE IN
"THE GONE DEAD."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
"THE GONE DEAD."
THIS IS "ASK AGAIN, YES.
THESE ARE TWO FAMILIES LIVE
NEXTDOOR TO EACH OTHER
IN NEW YORK, I BELIEVE
AND THEN -- THEY BECOME FRIENDS
AND THE KIDS GROW UP TOGETHER.
THEN SOMETHING SHOCKING
HAPPENS.
>> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: AND ONE OF THE
FAMILIES HAVE TO MOVE AWAY
>> Steve: 'CAUSE IT'S SO
SHOCKING
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND NEVER TO TALK TO THE
CHILDREN -
CAN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER
DON'T TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN.
>> Steve: DON'T SAY ANYTHING
EVER
>> Jimmy: EVER AGAIN
NO, WELL, THEY ARE ALLOWED TO
TALK
>> Steve: WELL, THEY'RE NOT --
IT'S NOT -
>> Jimmy: THAT'S "THE SILENT
PATIENT.
>> Steve: "SILENT PATIENT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, "SILENT
PATIENT" THEY CAN'T TALK AGAIN
THESE PEOPLE CAN TALK --
>> Steve: BUT THEY CHOOSE NOT
TO
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THEY CHOOSE NOT TO -
>> Steve: THEY CHOOSE NOT TO
>> Jimmy: THEY CHOOSE NOT TO
TALK TO EACH OTHER
>> Steve: REFRAIN FROM TALKING
TO YOU
>> Jimmy: DON'T TALK TO ME
>> Steve: BUT "ASK AGAIN, YES?
>> Jimmy: NO
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S NOT A GOOD SEGUE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
DON'T CLAP FOR THAT, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO
IT'S NOT A SEGUE
WHAT HAPPENS IS THE KIDS, THEY
CAN'T --
IT'S LIKE A MAGNET, THEY CAN'T
STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.
>> Steve: 'CAUSE THEY GREW UP
TOGETHER
>> Jimmy: MAYBE THEY MIGHT BE
IN LOVE, I DON'T KNOW.
>> Steve: WE DON'T KNOW.
>> Jimmy: IT MAY BE SO
ROMANTIC -
>> Steve: IT MIGHT BE SO
ROMANTIC, NO ONE'S MURDERED.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THERE'S NOT
MURDER IN ALL OF THESE BOOKS
>> Steve: JUST A FEW OF THEM
>> Jimmy: I DON'T THINK.
ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S "ASK
AGAIN, YES."
>> Steve: OKAY
>> Jimmy: THIS ONE IS CALLED
"THE CHAIN."
>> Steve: BOO.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, YOU READY
FOR THIS
I ALMOST WANT TO HAVE AN ECHO
ON MY VOICE LIKE,
"THE CHAIN-N-N-N-N."
THIS IS CALLED "THE CHAIN.
>> Steve: CHAIN-N-N-N-N-N.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS IS A THRILLER
CHECK THIS OUT -
>> Steve: OUT-T-T-T-T.
>> Jimmy: YOUR PHONE RINGS -
NO, NOT EVERYTHING
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: NOT EVERYTHING-G-G-G
>> Jimmy: I DON'T WANT
EVERYTHING -
TURN THE ECHO OFF.
>> Steve: OFF-F-F-F-F.
>> Jimmy: NO, I'M SERIOUS.
SHUT IT OFF!
>> Steve: OFF-F-F-F-F.
>> Jimmy: TURN IT OFF, I'M
BEING SERIOUS.
>> Steve: SERIOUS-S-S-S-S.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SO YOU'RE --
[ FART NOISE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
PHONE RINGS, THE STRANGER
HAS --
[ IMITATING PHONE RINGING
NO, NO, NO
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I DON'T WANT TO DO ALL OF THIS
>> Steve: I'M SORRY.
I'M A LITTLE HOT
I WENT TO CAPE COD
I'M TIRED --
>> Jimmy: I'M GONNA READ WHAT
THE BOOK IS ABOUT.
>> Steve: I'M NOT GOING TO SAY
ANOTHER WORD
SELL IT.
SELL THAT BOOK, MAN.
>> Jimmy: A STRANGER -- I'M NOT
SELLING THE BOOK
>> Steve: I'M JUST SAYING.
YOU DON'T HAVE MANY -- YOU
DON'T HAVE A HORSE IN THE GAME,
RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: I DON'T HAVE A DOG IN
THE FIGHT.
NO, THESE ARE JUST FUN BOOKS I
WANT TO READ WITH YOU.
I DON'T OWN THESE BOOKS.
>> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T OPTION FOR
MOVIES -
>> Steve: NO PAYOLA.
>> Jimmy: NOTHING.
NO PAYOLA.
NO ONE PAID ME TO DO THIS.
NO, THIS IS JUST FUN
>> Steve: SUMMER READ.
>> Jimmy: A STRANGER HAS
KIDNAPPED YOUR CHILD
>> Steve: OOH, CHILD,
CHILD-D-D-D.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: A STRANGER HAS
KIDNAPPED YOUR CHILD
TO FREE THEM, YOU MUST ABDUCT
SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD
>> Steve: OOH.
>> Jimmy: YOUR CHILD WILL BE
RELEASED WHEN YOUR VICTIM'S
PARENTS KIDNAP ANOTHER CHILD
YOU'RE NOW PART OF "THE CHAIN.
>> Steve: CHAIN-N-N-N-N-N.
>> Jimmy: IT'S "THE CHAIN.
"ASK AGAIN, YES" -
[ APPLAUSE ]
"FLEISCHMAN IS IN TROUBLE.
"SILENT PATIENT.
AND "THE GONE DEAD."
VOTE ON WHICH BOOK WILL BE THIS
YEAR'S "TONIGHT SHOW" SUMMER
READ
GO TO YOUR LOCAL BOOK STORES
AND EVEN PICK THEM UP WHILE
YOU'RE THERE
GO TO
TONIGHTSHOW.COM/SUMMERREADS.
VOTE, OR FIND OUT WHAT THESE
BOOKS ARE REALLY ABOUT
I GIVE A BAD DESCRIPTION
BUT THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT THE
IDEA IS.
VOTING ENDS THIS WEDNESDAY AT
NOON
WE'RE GOING TO ANNOUNCE THE
WINNING BOOK THURSDAY NIGHT ON
THE SHOW
>> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: IT'S GOING TO BE FUN
THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
DAVID SPADE, EVERYBODY
COME ON BACK
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST HOSTS
A NEW LATE NIGHT SHOW CALLED
"LIGHTS OUT WITH DAVID SPADE"
WHICH PREMIERES NEXT MONDAY AT
11:30 ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
PLEASE WELCOME THE ALWAYS
ENTERTAINING, DAVID SPADE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: WOW.
HEY.
>> HEY
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A NICE
STANDING OVATION FOR
DAVID SPADE RIGHT THERE.
>> HEY
>> Jimmy: THEY LOVE YOU HERE
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW
>> THEY LIKE US HANGING OUT
TOGETHER
>> Jimmy: THEY LIKE US HANGING
OUT.
>> IT'S FUN.
THANKS GUYS.
>> Jimmy: TODAY'S A SPECIAL DAY
FOR ALL OF US BECAUSE THAT
YOU'RE HERE, FIRST OF ALL.
WE LOVE HAVING YOU HERE.
BUT ALSO, TODAY'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY, BUDDY.
>> OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: AND YOU -- YEAH, YOU
DON'T LIKE TO MAKE A BIG DEAL
OUT OF IT.
>> NO, NO BIG FUSS, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS?
ANYTHING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
>> OH, WE WERE GOING TO DINNER
ME AND YOU, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> YOU'RE INVITED.
>> Jimmy: NO, ME AND YOU ARE
GOING TO DINNER.
>> YES, JUST US.
>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU
WANT TO TELL EVERYBODY
BUT YEAH
>> YEAH, YEAH.
WE'RE GOING TO DINNER, AND
THEN -
>> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO GO TO
DINNER TONIGHT, WOW, I'M SO
PSYCHED.
>> I -- I TRY TO INVITE ANYBODY
RICH BECAUSE -
[ LAUGHTER ]
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO BUY.
'CAUSE I'M GOING TO EAT AND
DRINK A LOT AND --
>> Jimmy: AND YOU'RE NOT PAYING
FOR IT
>> NO, NO.
I'M CALLING ALL CREDIT CARDS
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
>> I CALLED CHRIS ROCK, HE
GOES, "I'M IN TORONTO.
I GO, "YOU CAN CALL IN A CREDIT
CARD
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, YOU COULD SURPRISE ME.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
BUT NO, IT'S -- ONE TIME, YOU
KNOW, I TRIED TO -- YOU KNOW,
SANDLER --
WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT ALL THESE
NAMES, NOT TO NAME DROP -- YES
TO NAME DROP, BUT ALSO -
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE OF OLD "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE" STORIES.
BUT ADAM ONCE -- HE ALWAYS BUYS
ME DINNER.
YOU KNOW
HE'S A NICE GUY AND HIS
WALLET'S ABOUT 10 FEET TALL.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN HE HAS TO BEND IT
CLOSED
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WE WERE ALL OUT -- OR I WAS
OUT AT DINNER AT SOME FANCY
RESTAURANT AND THEN THEY GO,
"MR. SANDLER'S HERE.
AND I GO, "OOH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I PLAY IT DOWN
I GO, "WHO CARES?"
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT THEN, HE'S GOT THIS WHOLE
BACKROOM WITH 15 PEOPLE, AND
THEY'RE HAVING SOME BIG
BIRTHDAY PARTY OR SOMETHING.
SO, I GO IN THERE, AND I DO
A FEW THIRSTY BITS TO GET
ATTENTION.
GROSS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN I COME BACK
BUT THEN WHEN I LEAVE --
[ LAUGHTER ]
-- IT WAS SO SICKENING
I'M LIKE, "I'M YOUR WAITER OR
WHATEVER."
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH
I DID THAT
I'VE DONE THAT
>> EVERYONE'S LIKE -
[ LAUGHTER ]
"GET LOST.
>> Jimmy: I'VE DONE THAT BIT
>> YEAH.
SO I GO, "ALL RIGHT," AND THEN
WHEN I LEAVE, I GO, "HEY, PUT
THIS ON, YOU KNOW, MY DISCOVER
CARD OR WHATEVER."
SO I CHARGE THEIRS
THE GUY GOES, "SIR, HIS WHOLE
THING?
I GO, "YEAH.
I AM ON TV SOMETIMES
WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO HE GOES, "SURE --
YOU KNOW, AND THEN "I'M
LIKE --"
ANYWAY, SO THE NEXT DAY
IDENTITY GUARD CALLS ME AND
SAYS "SOMEONE STOLE YOUR CARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GO, "THEY DID?
THEY GO, "YEAH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE WAS SOME 9,000 DOLLAR
DINNER LAST NIGHT.
[ AUDIENCE OOHS
I GO, "OH, MY GOD.
I GO, "THAT WAS ME."
THEY'RE LIKE, "IT COULDN'T HAVE
BEEN
YOU'RE NOT THAT GENEROUS."
I GO, "NO, I WAS BUZZED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE NOT THAT
GENEROUS
>> NO, NO, NO, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THEY TOLD YOU THAT
>> THEY KNEW
THEY COULD TELL.
MY SCRIMP -- "WE'VE GONE OVER
YOUR TIPS AND REALIZED YOU'RE
A BIT OF A SCRIMPER.
>> Jimmy: NO, OF COURSE, LAST
TIME YOU WERE HERE WAS FOR
YOUR -
>> "FATHER OF THE YEAR."
YEAH, IT WAS GREAT
>> Jimmy: "FATHER OF THE YEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT
IT WAS ON NETFLIX.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT WAS -- IT WAS A BIG HIT
CONGRATS
>> IT WAS -- YEAH.
THEY TOLD ME ONCE, THEY GO,
"OH, IT'S THE BIGGEST MOVIE IN
THE WORLD FOR TWO WEEKS IN A
A ROW.
I GO, "HUH?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I -- I GO, "I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT."
THEY GO, "BELIEVE ME, WE CAN'T
BELIEVE IT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THEY -- YOU KNOW, LISTEN,
NETFLIX, THE WAY IT WORKS YOU
NEVER KNOW
IT COMES OUT IN ALL THESE
COUNTRIES.
BUT I PLAY, LIKE, A BOSTON GUY
YOU KNOW
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND SO ONE TIME WE WERE
SHOOTING IT, WE'RE UP, YOU
KNOW, ON BOSTON OUTSKIRTS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> WHERE I'M A LITTLE MORE
FAMOUS
AND THEN -
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE MORE FAMOUS ON
THE OUTSKIRTS?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
I HAVE AN APP THAT TELLS I'M
LIKE 9% MORE FAMOUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO-DO-DO-DO-DO
THAT'S WHERE I GO, "IT'S WORTH
THE DRIVE.
SO WE'RE SHOOTING AND THEY GIVE
ME A MINIVAN SO PEOPLE DON'T,
LIKE, KNOW 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
THEY KNOW SOMETHING'S SHOOTING
SO IT BLENDS IN.
AND THEN I'M SITTING IN THIS
AT, LIKE, MIDNIGHT
AND THEN SOME LADY BANGS ON THE
DOOR
"HEY
IS THE SUPERSTAR IN THERE?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SO, I OPEN IT.
I'M SO -- I OPEN THE WINDOW
ABOUT A QUARTER INCH
AND I GO, "HEY, WHAT CAN I DO
FOR YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: JUST PEEKED YOUR EYE
OUT.
>> HEY, MAN OF THE PEOPLE,
YEAH
YEAH, AND SHE GOES, "HEY, CAN I
TALK TO YOU, HOTSHOT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I GO, "UH, WELL --
AND THEN SHE GOES --
OPENS THE VAN DOOR AND IT'S
LIKE -
BING, BING, BING
YOU KNOW, AUTOMATICALLY AND ALL
THE LIGHTS COME ON
I'M LIKE, "OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE GIZMO.
AND SO, I GO, "AHH," AND THEN
SHE GOES, "HEY, SCOOCH OVER.
I GOT TO TALK TO YOU."
I GO -- AND THEN I SCOOCH OVER
LIKE A LOSER
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M WEAK
>> Jimmy: DON'T MESS WITH HER,
MAN.
>> I -- YEAH, AND I GO, "UH,"
'CAUSE SHE'S LIKE FROM REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF BOSTON ADJACENT,
WASTED LIKE --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SPILLING HER DRINK
THEN SHE GETS IN AND SHE GOES,
"WE HAVE A DOG NAMED FARLEY.
I GO, "FARLEY?
OKAY
LIKE, CHRIS FARLEY?"
I GO, "YEAH, YEAH.
" AND THEN SHE GOES, "YEAH,
IT'S KIND OF A FATTY
YOU KNOW
HE'S, LIKE, FUNNY, HE BANGS
INTO STUFF."
I GO, "OH, THAT'S NICE."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT YOU KNOW, PEOPLE BRING UP
CHRIS.
I KNOW IT MEANS A LOT TO PEOPLE
SO
>> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY
>> SO, TAKE SOME TIME WITH HER
I'M LIKE, "THAT'S SO NICE," AND
SHE GOES, "WELL, WE LOVE YOUR
MOVIES AND EVERYTHING.
I GO, "ALL RIGHT."
AND THEN SHE TALKS ABOUT
20 MINUTES IN CIRCLES, AND THEN
THEY FINALLY GO, "WE NEED YOU
ON THE SET."
I GO, "THANK YOU, JESUS.
SO I GO, "ALL RIGHT --
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GO, "ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT
EASY."
SHE GOES, "YOU WANT ME TO WAIT
HERE
DO I GO WITH?"
I GO, "NO, GO HOME
I DON'T KNOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: "WE'RE DONE.
>> THAT'S A WRAP, YEAH
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A WRAP.
>> SO, I GO IN, AND AN HOUR
LATER, NOW IT'S LIKE 1:00 A.M.
I COME OUT, I DON'T SEE HER,
BUT I SEE SOME PEOPLE WITH
THEIR KIDS AND DOGS OUT.
SO I GO TALK TO EVERYONE
GREAT GUY SYNDROME
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WALK OVER, "HEY, GUYS.
THANKS FOR STAYING UP.
AND I'M PETTING THIS DOG
HE'S LIKE, "OH, THIS IS
GINGER."
I'M LIKE, "YEAH.
AND THEN OUT OF THE BUSHES
COMES DRUNKELSTILZCHEN WITH HER
DRINKS
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN SHE GOES, "HEY, WE WERE
GONNA NAME HIM FARLEY.
I GO, "WAIT, YOU DIDN'T NAME
YOUR DOG FARLEY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE GOES -
[ INDISCERNIBLE
AND THEN EVEN THE HUSBAND'S
LIKE, "IT'S A GIRL."
"NO, BUT IF IT WAS A BOY, --
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN WE DIDN'T NAME IT
GINGER."
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
>> I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD YOU
MADE UP THAT WHOLE --"
SO I LEAVE AND THEN SHE GOES,
"HEADING BACK TO THE VAN
HOTSHOT?
IS THAT WHERE WE'RE ALL GOING
NOW?
>> Jimmy: WHAT
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I GO, "NO, I'M GOING," AND
THEN -- AND THEN I HEAR HER GET
MAD AT HER HUSBAND
SHE GOES, "DAN, YOU RUINED IT.
HE GOES, "WHAT, YOUR HORRIFYING
LIE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU LIE THAT SAID
THAT -
>> GIVE ME A HEADS UP.
>> Jimmy: -- THE DOG'S NAME IS
GINGER
>> YEAH.
GINGER'S LIKE, "HUH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS GONNA BE FARLEY?
>> Jimmy: GOSH
TALK ABOUT -- CAN WE TALK ABOUT
"LIGHTS OUT WITH --"
>> "LIGHTS OUT."
UH-HUH
YEAH, THE SHOW
>> Jimmy: "LIGHTS OUT WITH
DAVID SPADE" IS A NEW COMPETING
TALK SHOW AGAINST US, 11:30 AT
NIGHT.
[ AUDIENCE OOHS
>> WELL, I JUST -- I HAVE THREE
COMEDIANS.
IT'S DIFFERENT
I JUST HAVE THREE COMICS
WE DO JUST CURRENT EVENTS, POP
CULTURE STUFF, YOU KNOW,
WHATEVER, MAYBE SOME SPORTS.
NO POLITICS, BECAUSE I'M TOO
STUPID, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS FOR
SURE
I THINK THAT'S WHAT I'M SCARED
OF
I'M SO DUMB IF ANYONE ASKED ME
ANY QUESTIONS, I WOULDN'T KNOW
SO I JUST -- WE JUST TALK ABOUT
DUMB STUFF, AND LAUGH AND DO
SOME BITS.
WE DID THIS ONE BIT THE OTHER
DAY WHERE WE THOUGHT IT'D BE
FUNNY 'CAUSE PEOPLE SOMETIMES
WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
BE A STAND-UP, YOU KNOW, YOU
KNOW WHAT'S IT LIKE, AND PEOPLE
GO, "WHAT IS THE FEELING?"
SO WE GOT GUY A GUY THAT WORKS
WITH ME.
HE'S SORT OF A CHUBBY GUY, AND
WE GOT SOMEONE FROM
"VANDERPUMP RULES," AND WE JUST
PUT HIM ON STAGE AT
THE COMEDY STORE
BUT INSTEAD OF WRITING HIM AN
ACT, WE JUST GIVE HIM AN EAR
PIECE.
AND NO ONE KNOWS IT'S NOT
A COMEDIAN
SO THEY GO RIGHT UP ON THE --
WITH EVERYONE ELSE, IT'S
TERRIFYING
AND THEN WE'RE IN A MONITOR, ME
AND JEFF ROSS.
>> Jimmy: OH, NO
>> AND WE FEED THEM A JOKE, AND
THEY JUST SAY WHATEVER WE SAY.
IT WAS SO SCARY, BUT IT WAS
REALLY FUN
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, IT WAS FUN.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S SUCH A GOOD
BIT.
>> IT WAS FUN, I THINK, FOR
EVERYBODY.
YEAH, IT'S A GOOD BIT, AND IT
CAME OUT GREAT
IT WAS LIKE A TV SHOW OR
SOMETHING.
I WAS LIKE, THEY SHOW US
LAUGHING, THEN WE SAY IT
LIKE -- WE GO, "THIS GUY'S KIND
OF HEAVY."
AND HE GOES, "HEY.
I GO -- I GO, "HEY."
AND HE GOES "HEY."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, IT'S
WORKING.
AND I GO, "YOU GUYS LIKE
IMPRESSIONS?
AND HE'S LIKE --
[ LAUGHTER ]
"YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?"
AND HE GOES, "YOU SHOULD SEE
THE IMPRESSION I LEFT ON THE
COUCH IN THE GREEN ROOM.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: OH, MY
THAT'S A GOOD JOKE
COME ON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD JOKE
>> IT'S FUNNY.
HE'S -
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T -- I WOULD
LOVE THAT JOKE
AND THEY LAUGH AND HE'S LIKE
THIS -
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T WAIT
>> THAT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE WE'RE
WRITING, LIKE, SORT OF
PROFESSIONAL JOKES FOR SOME OF
THEM -
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> -- JUST AS AN AMATEUR AND
THEY -
THEY CAN'T EVEN SCREW IT UP.
THEY JUST SAY IT
IT -- ANYWAYS --
>> Jimmy: WHEN IS IT -- WHEN IS
IT
>> THAT'S MONDAY WE DO THAT,
AND WE GO FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK
AFTER "THE DAILY SHOW" EVERY
NIGHT.
>> FOLLOWING "THE DAILY SHOW,"
IT'S CALLED "LIGHTS OUT WITH
DAVID SPADE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: DAVID SPADE,
EVERYBODY.
IT PREMIERES JULY 29th
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE'LL BE BACK.
NOT THIS MONDAY, NEXT MONDAY
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: NEXT MONDAY,
JULY 29th AT 11:30 P.M. ON
COMEDY CENTRAL
WE'RE PLAYING
"WHEEL OF OPINIONS" WHEN WE
COME RIGHT BACK.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK
WE ARE HERE WITH DAVID SPADE,
EVERYBODY.
NOW, DAVID -
>> WOW
>> Jimmy: THAT'S THE FIRST
TIME -
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME EVER OUR
GUEST GAVE OUR AUDIENCE
A STANDING OVATION
GOOD FOR YOU
>> YEAH, YEAH.
YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
>> Jimmy: NOW DAVID, YOU ARE A
A GREAT COMEDIAN
AND PART OF YOUR JOB IS TO HAVE
STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT ALL
DIFFERENT KINDS OF THINGS.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: SO WITH THAT IN MIND,
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WE CALL
"WHEEL OF OPINIONS."
HERE WE GO
>> OH!
♪
♪ WHEEL OF OPINIONS
YEAH ♪
>> Jimmy: NOW HERE'S HOW IT
WORKS.
WE'RE GOING TO HIT THIS BUTTON
HERE WHICH WILL ACTIVATE THE
OPINION TOPIC GENERATOR.
>> FLUX CAPACITOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: AND IT WILL LAND ON
A RANDOM TOPIC
AND WHATEVER IT IS, YOU'LL HAVE
TO GIVE YOUR OPINION ON IT
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Jimmy: YOU READY FOR THIS
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
READY?
HERE WE GO
>> WHAT DO I DO?
>> Jimmy: WELL, I THINK YOU
SHOULD PRESS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE
HERE
>> I PRESS IT TO START IT OR -
>> Jimmy: THEN WE'LL TELL YOU
RANDOM OPINIONS AND THEN JUST
TALK ABOUT WHATEVER SHOWS UP
>> OKAY.
♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, DO YOU KNOW THE
FACEAPP FILTER
>> OH, DO I.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH
PEOPLE DID IT FOR ME
I'M AGAINST IT, BECAUSE I'M
JUST AGAINST, IN GENERAL
FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T WANT TO
LOOK ANY OLDER ON THAT APP
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S LIKE -- I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD DO IT.
BUT I LIKE -- I WANT ONE THAT
WHEN I'M TALLER.
AN APP
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S NICE.
>> YEAH, WHERE'S THAT
INVENTION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT OVERALL, I JUST THINK THAT
SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON'T LOOK
LIKE THEY DO ON INSTAGRAM.
AND SO IT'S NOT A GREAT IDEA
YOU MEET GIRLS ON INSTAGRAM,
YOU'RE LIKE, "UH, IS THE GIRL
FROM INSTAGRAM COMING?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE -- ARE YOU HER
ROOMMATE?"
BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU DON'T
LOOK -
[ DING ]
THEY DON'T LOOK EXACTLY THE
SAME
YOU KNOW, IT'S BAD FOR THE
WORLD.
THAT'S ALL
OKAY
THERE'S NO RIGHT OR WRONG
ANSWER
>> Jimmy: NO, IT'S JUST
OPINIONS
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE WE GO
♪
>> I CAN'T EVEN READ THAT.
>> Jimmy: IT SAYS, "THE RICHEST
MAN IN THE WORLD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, RICHEST MAN IN THE
WORLD.
OH, IT'S NOW -
>> Jimmy: IT'S -
>> NO, NOT BILL GATES ANYMORE.
IT'S A FRENCH GUY NAMED
BERNARD ARNAULT.
I JUST READ THIS
AND HE IS NUMBER ONE
AND THEN BEZOS
>> Jimmy: OH, JEFF BEZOS, YEAH
>> AND THEN BILL GATES
EMBARRASSING
[ LAUGHTER ]
BILL GATES IS --
ISN'T THAT TRAGIC?
>> Jimmy: EW
>> YEAH, HE'S THE BRONZE
NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT THE
BRONZE ANYMORE
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE WALKS AROUND WITH A LEATHER
COAT
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, I'M
BRONZY
HEY.
>> Jimmy: BRONZY
>> YEAH.
[ DING ]
HIS WIFE IS LIKE, "I THOUGHT
YOU WERE RICH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HERE WE GO
READY?
HERE WE GO
♪
>> THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS IS AN ODD ONE
THIS IS AN ODD ONE
THIS IS -- WHAT IS YOUR OPINION
ON GOING INTO THE POOL WITH
A SHIRT ON
>> OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S MANDATORY FOR ME NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH
AMERICA VOTED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
THOUGH
I DID -- I DID GET SOME
PAPARAZZI PICTURES AT THE POOL,
LIKE, TWO SUMMERS AGO.
AND, YOU KNOW, NO ONE'S
EXPECTING MIRACLES FROM THIS
RIG, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I HAD MY SHIRT OFF, I DIDN'T
LOOK GREAT
AND THEN I COME HOME AND I'M --
MY WAITER IS GERMAN AT MY
BREAKFAST PLACE.
AND HE COMES UP AND GOES, "WHAT
WAS GOING ON IN THE POOL?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GO, "HUH?"
AND HE GOES, "I SAW PICTURES,
DUDE
NOT GOOD."
I GO, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HE GOES, "YOU HAVE A GUT."
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GO, "FIRST OF ALL, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING."
HE GOES, "WHY DO YOU PICK THE
MOST HORRIBLE PICTURE?
I GO, "I DON'T PICK [ BLEEP ],
DUDE
THEY PICK IT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT DO YOU -- DO YOU NOT KNOW
HOW IT WORKS
THEY WANT A BAD PICTURE.
THE GUY'S GOT LIKE A JEWELER'S
LOOP WITH A CONTEXT.
HE'S LIKE, "LOOKS TOO GOOD,
LOOKS TOO GOOD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
FAT, RUN WITH IT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
PRINT IT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ DING ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S IT,
"WHEEL OF OPINIONS."
MY THANKS TO DAVID SPADE RIGHT
THERE.
>> YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR PLAYING
THAT
>> THAT WAS GOOD
>> Jimmy: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH JEFF FOXWORTHY, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
OH, MY GOD
I LOVE SPADE SO MUCH
HE REALLY -- I TOLD HIM, I
DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A BIG DEAL
FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
SO I REALLY DIDN'T DO IT
BECAUSE I ONCE, THIS WAS YEARS
AGO, WE WERE FRIENDLY, BUT WE
WEREN'T FRIENDS.
NOW I WOULD SAY WE'RE FRIENDS.
I WAS JUST A FAN OF DAVID.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT I SAW HIM AT A RESTAURANT
AND SENT HIM OVER CAKE
AND PRETENDED IT WAS HIS
BIRTHDAY AND HAD THE WHOLE
RESTAURANT SING
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY" TO HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOT HAPPY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE WAS LIKE, "OH, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO BE FRIENDS.
HE WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, I DON'T
DO THIS.
LIKE -
AND I WAS LOOKING -- I WAS
LIKE, "WASN'T THAT FUNNY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE WAS LIKE, "NO, NOT
FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOW.
SO I REALLY KNOW THAT HE
DOESN'T LIKE THAT.
HE DOESN'T LIKE TO GET
ATTENTION EVEN THOUGH HE'S, YOU
KNOW -
A STAR, AND HE'S ON TV
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE'S ON -- YEAH, SO BUT
ANYWAYS, SO I PROMISED I
WOULDN'T MAKE A BIG DEAL
SO THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T MAKE
A GIANT DEAL ABOUT HIS
BIRTHDAY, BUT I'M GOING TO
DINNER TONIGHT
AND I'M GOING TO HAVE --
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M GOING TO STAND ON THE TABLE
AND SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BECAUSE IT'S HIS ACTUAL
BIRTHDAY
STICK AROUND
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JEFF FOXWORTHY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE
BEST-SELLING COMEDY RECORDING
ARTIST OF ALL TIME
AND ONE OF THE JUDGES ON THE
SHOW "BRING THE FUNNY", WHICH
AIRS TUESDAYS AT 10:00 P.M. ON
NBC.
EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME
JEFF FOXWORTHY
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE
SHOW
WE LOVE HAVING YOU HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE
I WANT TO GET INTO
"BRING THE FUNNY."
BUT I ALSO WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH YOUR
LIFE
HOW IS IT GOING?
WHAT'S NEW
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO
>> LIFE'S GOOD
GOOD SUMMER.
MY MOM'S FLIP PHONE FINALLY
BROKE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WOW!
>> YES
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A BIG DEAL.
>> BIG DEAL.
BIG DEAL
SO -
>> Jimmy: FINALLY.
>> WE GOT MOM HER FIRST iPHONE
>> Jimmy: OH, NO
>> AND IF YOU SAID TO ME
TONIGHT, JEFF, I GIVE YOU THE
CHOICE BETWEEN TEACHING YOUR
MOTHER HOW TO TEXT OR TEACHING
YOUR DOG HOW TO WIPE HIS
BUTT -
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> I WOULD SAY, "HAND ME THE
TOILET PAPER
LET'S GIVE THAT A SHOT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WOW.
TEACHING HER HOW TO USE AN
iPHONE
NO, WAY.
>> AND SHE LOVES THIS THING.
SO SHE CALLS ME, LIKE, LAST
WEEK
AND I ANSWERED, BECAUSE I
DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO FOR
AN HOUR AND A HALF
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO -
SO, I'M TALKING TO MY MOM.
AND DURING THE CONVERSATION,
SHE MENTIONS THAT THERE HAD
BEEN A COUPLE OF BREAK-INS IN
HER NEIGHBORHOOD
I SAID, "WELL, MOM, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S KIND OF CONCERNING.
SHE SAID, "I KNOW.
SHE GOES, "THAT'S WHY I'M
THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY CARRY
PERMIT."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MY MOM IS 83 YEARS OLD
[ CHEERS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
HER EYESIGHT IS BAD, HER
HEARING IS WORSE
AND SHE HAS THE BALANCE OF
RON WHITE AFTER MIDNIGHT
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND NOW SHE'S THINKING ABOUT
GETTING A PISTOL
AND I SAID, "MOM."
I SAID, "CALL ME ULTRA, YOU
KNOW, WORRYWART, BUT MAYBE YOU
SHOULDN'T BE PACKING HEAT IF
YOU'RE WEARING A LIFE ALERT.
YOU KNOW
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO
>> I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY
SO I TRY TO TALK HER THROUGH
THIS
AND I SAID -- I SAID, "MOM."
I SAID, "I HOPE LOADING THIS
THING IS NOT GOING TO BE MORE
DIFFICULT THAN OPENING A JAR OF
PICKLES, OR YOU'RE GOING TO BE
IN TROUBLE."
WELL, 'CAUSE SHE'S GOT
ARTHRITIS IN HER THUMBS.
AND THEN I STARTED THINKING, "I
BET I COULD GET HER
A COMMERCIAL OUT OF IT."
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "MY
ARTHRITIS HAD GOTTEN SO BAD, I
COULD BARELY JACK A ROUND INTO
THE CHAMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"BUT THANKS TO NEW IMPROVED
BUFFERIN, I CAN MAKE IT RAIN,
DOG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
>> YOU FEEL ME
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MOM --
>> I JUST SEE HER, LIKE SORTING
HER BULLETS IN HER PILL BOXES
AND EVERYTHING
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
>> SO I HUNG UP AND I SAID TO
MY WIFE, I SAID, "WELL, I KNOW
WHAT TO GET MOM FOR CHRISTMAS.
I SAID, "I'M GETTING HER THE
MAGNETIC HOLSTER SHE CAN PUT ON
THE SIDE OF THE WALKER
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND I'M GETTING HER HUSBAND THE
BULLETPROOF VEST HE CAN WEAR
UNDERNEATH HIS CARDIGAN
SWEATER, JUST IN CASE SHE GOES
SPIDER MONKEY DURING 'THE WHEEL
OF FORTUNE'.
SO -
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: "WHEEL OF FORTUNE"
ARGUMENT
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH, RIGHT
>> Jimmy: LET'S TALK ABOUT
"BRING THE FUNNY," IF YOU DO
MIND IT.
CONGRATS ON THIS SHOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A HIT SHOW ON
NBC.
IT'S YOU, CHRISSY TEIGEN,
KENAN THOMPSON
I LOVE THE SHOW, BECAUSE I LOVE
ANY FORM OF COMEDY
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I JUST LOVE TO LAUGH
>> WELL, I THINK THE THING
THAT'S FUN ABOUT IT, ANY TIME
YOU'VE EVER SEEN A COMEDY
COMPETITION ON TV, IT'S ALWAYS
STANDUP.
AND I'M A STANDUP.
I LOVE STANDUP
BUT KIND OF THE IDEA WAS --
WITH THE SHOW WAS, A, THE
TIMING OF IT
IF THE COUNTRY EVER NEEDS TO
LAUGH, IT'S NOW.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> YOU KNOW?
AND TO ME, LAUGHTER IS ALWAYS
LIKE THE RELEASE VALVE THAT
KEEPS THE BOILER FROM
EXPLODING.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO LAUGH
AND SO WE KIND OF THOUGHT, ALL
RIGHT, WE DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO
IT
IT CAN BE SKETCH
IT CAN BE MUSIC ACTS
IT CAN BE COMEDY MAGIC -
JUST MAKE US LAUGH
BRING THE FUNNY.
AND SO THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING
I MEAN, WE GOT STANDUPS GOING
UP AGAINST SKETCH ACTS
>> Jimmy: VENTRILOQUISTS
>> VENTRILOQUISTS, PUPPETS
YOU NAME IT, WE GOT IT
>> Jimmy: WHICH I ALWAYS LOVE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE WATCHING THESE
SHOWS BECAUSE I ALWAYS THINK,
LIKE, WELL -
I DON'T -- YOU GOT TO GET YOUR
START SOMEWHERE.
AND THIS IS A GOOD WAY -
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: EVEN IF YOU DON'T
WIN --
I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A
A CONTEST AN THE ON ONE OF
THESE, LIKE TYPE OF --
>> OH, GOD, YEAH
I MEAN, A LOT OF -
AND I TRY TO TELL THE GUESTS
THAT
IT'S THAT, YOU KNOW, JUST
BECAUSE YOU DON'T GO TO THE
NEXT LEVEL, DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO BE DOING THIS FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
AND SO I TRY TO POINT OUT
THINGS
LIKE, I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME
I EVER DID "THE TONIGHT SHOW."
BLAKE CLARK --
YOU KNOW BLAKE
>> Jimmy: OF, OF COURSE,
BLAKE CLARK.
>> BLAKE -
>> Jimmy: BLAKE CLARK.
>> BLAKE CLARK
>> Jimmy: LOVE BLAKE CLARK
>> BLAKE DROVE ALL THE WAY OVER
TO NBC TO TELL ME, "LOOK, WHEN
YOU'RE DOING TV, YOU GET
NERVOUS AND YOU GO FASTER.
SO WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING
TOO SLOW, SLOW DOWN.
I'VE REMEMBERED THAT FOR
30 YEARS
YOU KNOW, SO I'LL TELL THE
CONTESTANTS.
'CAUSE A LOT OF THEM, IT'S
THEIR FIRST TIME ON TV
IT'S LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE DOING
TV -
>> Jimmy: SLOW DOWN.
>> SLOW DOWN
SET YOUR PACE.
AND SO IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO
KIND OF -- YOU KNOW, IT'S
ALMOST LIKE HANDING THE BATON.
TAKING THESE THINGS PEOPLE
TAUGHT YOU AND HANDING THEM TO
THE NEXT GENERATION.
>> Jimmy: YOU TOLD ME A GOOD
STORY BACKSTAGE ABOUT
"THE TONIGHT SHOW", WHEN YOU
WERE ON JOHNNY CARSON.
>> OH, YEAH.
I WAS TELLING SOMEBODY THIS.
SO THIS WAS ALWAYS MY DREAM AS
A COMIC TO BE ON
"THE TONIGHT SHOW.
AND SO WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
IT WAS CARSON.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THE TOP
OF MT. EVEREST
>> Jimmy: SURE
>> AND SO I FINALLY GET TO
JOHNNY
AND, YOU KNOW, BACK IN THOSE
DAYS, YOU DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU
WERE GOING -- YOU DID YOUR
STANDUP.
BUT IF JOHNNY DIDN'T LIKE YOU,
HE'D CLAP.
IF HE LIKED YOU, HE'D DO THIS.
IF HE LOVED YOU, HE'D CALL YOU
OVER
>> Jimmy: THAT'S CORRECT
>> AND SO YOU'RE SCARED TO LOOK
AFTER YOUR SIX MINUTES, BECAUSE
IT'S LIKE CAESAR
YOU KNOW, DO YOU LIVE OR DIE
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO JOHNNY CALLED ME OVER
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T" -
AND THEN SIT IN THE CHAIR.
SO WE GO TO COMMERCIAL AND
ED McMAHON LEANS OVER.
AND HE GOES, "HEY, HOW COME YOU
NEVER DID 'STAR SEARCH'?
AND I SAID, "'CAUSE I'VE
AUDITIONED FOR YOU SIX TIMES
AND YOU TURNED ME DOWN EVERY
SINGLE TIME.
[ AUDIENCE AWS ]
BUT NOW I'M TALKING TO JOHNNY!
SO YOU SLIDE ON DOWN THERE!"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT
SIX TIMES?
>> YEAH, RIGHT
>> Jimmy: THAT'S AWESOME
KIDS, LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS
FUNNY HUMAN BEING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
JEFF FOXWORTHY, EVERYBODY.
BRING THE FUNNY AIRS TUESDAYS
AT 10:00 P.M. ON NBC
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
A PERFORMANCE FROM RED HEARST.
STICK AROUND
COME ON BACK
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: MAKING THEIR TV
DEBUT, PERFORMING "HALF LOVE"
FROM THEIR UPCOMING SELF-TITLED
ALBUM, GIVE IT UP FOR
RED HEARSE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA WASTE
NO TIME WITH YOU
I DON'T WANNA WAST
MY TIME ♪
♪ YOU FEEL IT COMIN
DON'T WANT T
ACKNOWLEDGE IT ♪
♪ SO SICK OF FRONTING
STAND UP
IN FRONT OF IT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'
WANNA WAST
NO TIME WITH YOU ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA
WASTE NO TIME ♪
♪ DON'T HEAR YOUR
MOTHER FATHE
WHOLE FAMILY ♪
♪ THEY SAID I
WON'T GET FA
WELL WE GON' SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'
WANNA WAST
NO TIME WITH YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY'
PLAYING IT LOOSE
BUT WHAT IF WE WER
REAL WITH IT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HONESTLY
I'M JUST TOO GOO
FOR THAT HALF LOVE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU BEE
FEELING IT TOO BUT
ADMIT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA LOV
ANOTHER LIKE YOU
OOH ♪
♪ SICK OF HOLDING O
HANGING IN NOT AGAIN
MIDNIGHT WAITING FOR
THE SUNRISE ALL AGAIN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'
WANNA WAST
NO TIME WITH YOU ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA
WASTE NO TIME ♪
♪ DON'T NEED TO SAY IT NO
DON'T EVEN
EXPLAIN IT NOW ♪
♪ OOH
I HEAR YOU LOU
AND CLEAR NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'
WANNA WAST
NO TIME WITH YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY'
PLAYING IT LOOSE
BUT WHAT IF WE WER
REAL WITH IT ♪
♪ HONESTL
I'M JUST TOO GOO
FOR THAT HALF LOVE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU BEE
FEELING IT TOO BUT
ADMIT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA LOV
ANOTHER LIKE YOU
NEVER GONN
NEVER GONNA ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA
NEVER GONN
LOVE ANOTHER LIKE YOU ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA
NEVER GONN
NEVER GONNA LOVE ANOTHER ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA
LOVE ANOTHER LIKE YO
NEVER GONN
LOVE ANOTHER LIKE YOU ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA
LOVE ANOTHER LIKE YO
NEVER GONN
NEVER NEVER ♪
♪ OOH
OO
OOH ♪
♪ NEVER NEVER NEVER
OOH OOH OO
YEAH
OH YEAH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY'
PLAYING IT LOOSE
BUT WHAT IF WE WER
REAL WITH IT ♪
♪ HONESTL
I'M JUST TOO GOO
FOR THAT HALF LOVE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU BEE
FEELING IT TOO
ADMIT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ NEVER GONNA LOV
ANOTHER LIKE YOU
WHAT IF WE WER
REAL WITH IT ♪
♪ HONESTL
I'M JUST TOO GOO
FOR THAT HALF LOVE
HALF LOVE ♪
♪ YOU'VE BEEN
FEELING IT TOO ♪
♪ ADMIT THE TRUTH
NEVER GONNA LOVE
ANOTHER LIKE YOU ♪
♪ OOH
NEVER GONNA LOVE
ANOTHER LIKE YOU ♪
♪ OOH
NEVER GONNA LOVE
ANOTHER LIKE YOU ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: YO
SAM DEW.
JACK ANTONOFF.
SOUNWAVE
RED HEARSE, EVERYONE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
"HALF LOVE" IS OUT NOW
MY THANKS TO DAVID SPADE,
JEFF FOXWORTHY
RED HEARSE, EVERYONE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE,
FROM
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT
HOPE TO SEE YOU TOMORROW
BYE-BYE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪