Do you know the difference between being free
and being high?
Neither do I.
Back in Texas, I knew everything.
Because I'm from Texas.
But that was before any of this happened.
It was a writing class in junior college.
We were studying the elements of story...
The acronym spells "sucker,"
sort of.
If you grew up in the setting of Houston
believing the Astrodome was visible from space,
you, like me, are a sucker.
If your parents have a conflict
and your pothead father says,
"I'll never leave you, little man,"
you, like me, are a sucker.
And if it takes you 19 years of Sundays to figure this out,
you, like me, are a Southern Baptist.
A subtitle made possible by R3V0LV3R.
Hey, your mom asked me to church on Sunday.
Something about going-away ceremony?
You want to come to that?
I do if I'm sitting next to your mom.
Aw, here we go.
She ain't cheatin' on me, is she?
Uh, these jokes never get old, Jordan.
No. I bet it's that Mexican gardener.
I seen him weed-whacking outside your apartment,
taking his shirt off all slow,
like in the movies.
Like if there's a sprinkler on him.
Okay. I get the picture.
Hey, he's cute, man.
If I was your mom, all hot and sex-starved,
I'd let him pop my tart.
Hey, party tonight at my house.
Wine, cheese, hot babes,
not that you'd be interested.
Ah, I got a thing at church.
Of course. Just 'cause you live there
doesn't mean you shouldn't get out once in a while.
It's the junior high lock-in, man. It goes all night.
Come on, bro. How we gonna celebrate your last day on the job?
Ha ha! Follow me. Come on.
Jordan!
Jordan, come on, man!
We're in our street clothes! You're gonna get us busted.
My best friend Don, at the end of the line.
Salute.
Ha ha! Texas tea, brother.
Dude, not cool. Bro.
Oh, you want to dance?
- Seriously. - Look at you.
- Don't mess around. - Who said Baptists can't dance?
Jordan, I'm gonna make you drink that.
I drink it all the time, bro.
Confess your sins to each other,
and pray for each other
so that you may be healed.
So does anybody need to be healed?
All right, now why don't we focus on where it says,
"confess your sins."
Does anybody have anything they need to confess? Anybody?
My family went to the beach, and my dad took me out,
and a huge wave knocked me out of his arms,
and he couldn't find me and stuff.
He actually saw something pick me up out of the water and take me to him.
No way.
I've had experiences with angels. It's awesome.
Ohh! Ohh!
Who wants more sugar?
Okay. All right. Keep going. Keep going.
It's still going? Must be some party. Who all's there?
Everybody.
Tons of girls.
Sorry, Jordo. I'd come cheer you up,
but right after this, I got breakfast with The Hobo.
Call you later.
I gotta go at 6:00.
- You bring my communion cups? - Factory fresh.
- They for tonight? - Shh, shh.
When you find out, it's gonna blow your mind.
So... got your car packed
- for the big, bad university? - Yep.
Don't let 'em brainwash you, Donny.
Well, it is a Baptist college.
Yeah, but it's gotten way more liberal now.
I mean, when I used to go there,
the girls still had to wear heels,
keep their knuckles from dragging the ground.
Don't tell my wife I said that.
All right, who wants Kool-Aid?!
Bebop?
You've been listening.
Yeah, when I'm not in the mood for music, I put on jazz.
Life is like jazz, son.
Never resolves.
You get the going-away present I sent you?
I read a few chapters.
- You guys still friends? - Oh, yeah.
He just bought 30 acres up in, uh, Oregon.
He's a good writer for being full of crap.
Went to a good school.
Ever heard of Reed College?
Know what the average IQ score is at Reed?
138, 2 points above genius.
You want a beer?
I won't tell Jesus.
No, thanks.
So he's still connected at the school,
and when he told me he could pull a few strings,
I, um...
You what?
I got you in, Donny,
at Reed.
You enrolled me?
For this term?
That's not how it works.
Well, took some finagling.
Even had to send 'em a deposit.
I already got a scholarship,
Trinity Baptist.
So you can get a preaching degree
and make your mom happy?
A brain like that working for a church?
You only believe that stuff 'cause you're afraid to hang out with people who don't.
I'm going for the writing program.
Well, then go somewhere
they don't hand you the script and tell you to copy it.
You hear that?
That's free-form.
Improvise. Write your own damn story,
or that kook mom of yours will write it for you.
Don't call her that.
Yeah, or I'll be "left behind", right?
Come on. Let me do this for you, Donny.
Why now?
It's cheaper than having you kidnapped and deprogrammed.
All those years you were dodging child support...
our church paid for the groceries.
- Who's that one? - Intern.
Thought you were on sabbatical.
That's why I only have one.
You want me to introduce you?
You got a girlfriend yet?
Hey, Lindsey,
my Baptist son here needs some tutoring.
Dad.
Here comes Sunday morning.
You know what works great with sunrise?
A Love Supreme, John Coltrane.
Pushes the sun right out of the earth, huh?
They have no regard for Jesus.
These people have no regard for common sense.
They hate Christianity.
Some of this they learn in the homes...
Good morning, Mama. Rise and shine.
- What time is it? - It's almost 8:00.
I'll take the first shower. You can sleep a little more, okay?
Breakfast!
Coming! Not too many bananas.
You have one message.
Señora, buenos noches. Are you home?
Ah, bella muchacha, are you awake, mi amor?
Sleep the sleep de los ángeles. I'll see you mañana.
" Yo te quiero infinito. "
" Yo te quiero, yo te quiero infinito. "
Message deleted.
You like it?
Is that new?
It's your big day.
Any calls?
Some Mexican guy had the wrong number.
Hmm.
So how's your father?
Huh? You really want to know?
Not at all.
That's third night in a row with the TV on.
Is that a record?
Keeps me company when you're not around.
Everybody's been asking me,
what am I gonna do with myself when you're gone.
Mom, it's not gonna be like that.
I'm barely leaving the zip code.
I'm sorry, Donny. It's just hormones.
Is my mascara running?
You look beautiful, Mom.
And nothing's gonna change.
I'm always just a phone call away.
Ephesians 6:11 tells us to put on the full armor of God,
but wearing God's armor isn't always easy, is it, Don?
No, sir.
Your friends may not think you're cool.
So when we dress you in the full armor of God,
it's not just a fun, little going-away gift.
It tells the world what, Don?
Romans 1:16, sir.
"I'm not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ."
Amen. Let's give him a hand, church.
Give it up.
Thank God. Appreciate it.
All right.
Now hold on. Hold on, folks.
Hold on. Donny, Donny, not so fast, bro.
I'm gonna need my sidekick for story time, kids.
Come on down as my lovely wife tickles the organ.
Just gather round right here in front of us.
That's it.
Ha ha. All right.
Now, today we have a very special amigo
who's come to listen to our story, but he's a bit shy.
Let's see if I can...
Hey, hey, uh, Tito.
Here he comes.
Yes, today is Tito's birthday, but,
oh, oh, but he's very sad. You know why?
'Cause today he learned what happened on the cross.
So for his birthday, we're going to show Tito
how the cross can make him happy, yes?!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Yeah. All right, let's bring down the cross.
2, 3, go.
That's my girl. All right, here it comes.
Look at this. Now we need someone really, really strong
to break down this piñata.
- Who wants to do it? - Me! Me!
Who's really strong? Are you strong enough?
I don't know. I think...
Smartacus here.
Smartacus here, he's got what it takes.
Smartacus is going to use his Sword of the Spirit,
and he is going to give it his best shot.
All right, buddy. There you go.
That's it. Big swing, and...
Oh, yeah.
All right, Smartacus. Yeah.
All right, boys and girls,
What? What, were you expecting something else?
Yeah? See, just like the piñata had to be broken to make candy,
Jesus had to die on the cross to make forgiveness for our sins.
So, Tito, would you like to be forgiven?
"Sí.."
"Sí, sí, sí, señor Kenny.
I want Jesus to be my amigo for my birthday."
" Yo te quiero infinito. "
" Yo te quiero. "
" Yo te quiero infinito. "
Right?
Well, come on, boys and girls.
This is better than candy.
Grab the blood and body of Jesus, and give it to all of Tito's friends.
"Muchas gracias. Muchas gracias. Go on. Go on. Do it."
Like any good Southern Baptist,
I've been trained to assess awkward situations
with the question, "What would Jesus do?"
Make sure and bring some to the choir.
"Los cantantes.."
But what would Jesus do
if his mom was sleeping with the youth pastor?
Maybe he'd feel like a sucker,
or maybe he'd just be pissed.
What the heck?!
- Don, Don, stop it. - Son of a bitch.
I don't know what's gotten into your head,
but it's not what you're thinking.
I'm not thinking.
That's why I'm leaving.
"A brain like that working for a church?
"You only believe that stuff 'cause you're afraid
to hang out with people who don't."
Maybe for once in his life, the old man was right.
There's one way to find out.
Message in your mailbox.
Donny, I called your father,
and he told me about this Reed College.
I'd like to talk about this before we make a decision.
Please call me back this time.
Messages deleted.
Man.
Yeah, I saw it,
but it's not like there was a nip slip in there or anything.
I mean, personally, I was like, "Pfft, whatever."
That was the nineties. That was edgy back then.
Come on. You got to contextualize it historically.
So she's breast-feeding a pig? Big deal.
That stuff was probably way common during the Dust Bowl.
It's a critique on the chauvinism of the human species.
How long you gonna be in there?
What, are you taking a dump or something?
Till I'm done.
Why don't you practice that party trick of yours?
You know, if queer theory teaches us anything,
it's that sexual identity is a social construct.
I mean, it doesn't matter if she is or isn't.
Her image in general
and that image in particular is transgressive.
It's... It's deviant, it's out,
and that's why our community loves her.
She's co-opting a fan base.
You're acting like Tori Amos is some kind of dyke messiah.
Chill, Lauryn, okay? I'm just saying.
After all these years, she's still kind of hot.
What is she, like a B cup?
Love is fleeting! Herpes is forever!
Put a jimmy on your stiffy! Come on, now!
You know you need one for the chub.
One size does not fit all!
Love is fleeting, but herpes is forever! Come and get 'em!
Greetings, virgin. How many do you need?
- Huh? - Rainbow ticklers
are the special of the day. Here. No charge.
Rub-a-dub-dub, put a rub on your chub.
Right here!
Chub away, rubber man.
Got your hands full?
Oh, why don't I just slide this into your pocket?
...right here. Absolutely free.
One way or the other!
Hey!
Jimmy on your stiffy, ladies. Take it.
Want to try 'em out?
Uh, I'm not 100% on what I've got here.
I meant the water.
Uh, sure. Sure. What do I do?
Take a sip. Swirl it around in your mouth a bit.
Okay, now try this one.
What about this?
Swallow.
Well?
I can't taste the difference.
This one is Portland municipal tap water.
This one is Aqualike bottled water.
The Portland water is local and comes with your tuition.
The Aqualike water costs $1.50 for a 12-ounce bottle,
and they say it comes from the Himalayas,
but it actually comes from Kashmir,
which is one of the poorest regions in India,
so that would be good for their economy, right?
Wrong.
Aqualike Corporation practices are actually depleting the water table
so that the local Kashmirian farmers don't have enough to irrigate their crops.
Well, so then I shouldn't be ingesting this?
No.
Here comes trouble.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
They do this all the time?
Hey.
Heh. Hey.
Hey.
Okay.
Wait up.
Uh, anybody sitting there?
Hey.
I'm Don.
We, uh, sort of met in the men's roo...
restroom.
So where are you from?
You know how to tell if a girl's a lesbian?
'Cause she's attracted to other women?
Is that how it works in Mayberry?
Cutoffs at two o'clock.
Last year, she was homecoming queen back in Nebraska,
two tiny biscuits floating under a cheerleader skirt.
What do you think her ass says now?
Uh...
It says, "I don't care what you think."
Which is why it's beautiful.
I'm Kent Bowers,
and I am your Dean of Student Affairs.
Close your laptops.
Pocket your cellphones. Listen carefully.
According to the words and logic of Neil Postman,
"There is no escaping from ourselves.
"The human dilemma is as it has always been,
"and we solve nothing
by cloaking ourselves in technological glory."
At Reed College,
there is no reward for staring at a screen,
no extra credit for looking busy.
Forget everything you think you know,
because you do not know anything.
There's nowhere to run.
There's nowhere to hide.
There is no escaping ourselves.
The human dilemma must be experienced.
So, uh, that lecture was pretty brilliant.
How was it brilliant?
Um, the whole part about how life needs to be experienced.
And technology influences the way we think,
and we live in a dumbed-down culture,
and, oh, the sky is blue. Yeah, it's genius.
Sounds like a high school term paper.
What do you like?
Choose wisely.
A bagel, I guess.
- This? - Yeah.
Someone ate this?
Dude, check out Quinn. I think it's growing.
Heh. Bet you'd like to pop her tart.
Can you find me?
That's you?
You look so...
Before I found freedom.
Eat, girl. Eat.
You want to tell me where you're from now?
Escaped from Kansas.
Dad sells windows. Mom bakes pies.
She's fat. He looks at other women.
Where are you from?
Texas.
Can I ask you a question?
'Cause it's been killing me.
Sure.
Are you the secret bastard child of a televangelist?
No.
- Oh, my God. You are. - What?
Do all the boys in your choir have to wear their hair that way?
What's wrong with my hair?
Well, it's not exactly free.
Are you trying to make me a lesbian?
I'm trying not to picture you
burning flags at a gay soldier's funeral.
Not all Christians are like that.
Smile.
You've got, like, spinach stuck in your teeth.
It's really gross.
Look, your private religious wacko beliefs are none of my business,
but if you plan on sticking around.
Long enough to unpack your secret underwear or whatever,
you probably want to keep that quiet around here.
You're kidding, right?
I had a Mormon roommate my freshman year.
She lasted two days.
I mean, we haven't had a Christian club
since the Nixon administration.
Dude, this is Reed College. Hello.
I was looking at this student handbook.
You've got so many crazy religious groups.
"S&M Wiccans. Jews for Jihad."
What's wrong with being a Christian?
Do you have any idea what your hateful, bullying tribe has been up to?
'Cause around here, you represent a whole new category of despicable.
So if you plan on ever making friends or sharing a bowl
or seeing a human vagina without a credit card,
get in the closet, Baptist boy, and stay there.
Setting, conflict, climax, resolution.
If the setting in SCCR changes, does the conflict go away?
'Cause, I mean, it's only been a week, and I feel like I'm someone else.
Hey, Jordan.
You sounding chipper.
I'm not disturbing you and your gay lover roommate, am I?
No, there's no roommates here.
They're just single rooms.
You got to pimp out your pad, dude, catch some ladies.
You getting any action?
Uh, there's this one girl, but I didn't get her number.
Or her name.
Spent some time with a hot lesbian.
Yeah, you're full of shit.
Hold on, bro.
Sorry, dude. It's my mom.
- Are you talking to her? - Yeah. Yeah, we're talking.
- Sort of. - Huh.
- All right, call you later. - Yeah.
Hi, Mom.
Hey. You get the cookies?
Yeah, they came in the mail Friday.
Sorry they were store-bought.
Ah, store-bought or not, they're still cookies.
Sure is lonely here without you.
Sorry that you're lonely.
- You could always unenroll. - No. I can't unenroll.
- Why not? - Because I like it here,
and another 30-minute bitch session is not gonna change that.
- Uh, did you just call me... - No, I'm not calling you that.
I'm using it as an adjective.
So is that what they're teaching you at that school?
Yes, Mom, that's what they're teaching me at this school.
You going to church anywhere?
No, I haven't found a church yet.
I'm looking for one with a really dynamic puppet ministry.
Stop with that. There's nothing going on with Kenny.
He's just helping me through a rough spell.
I don't care if nothing's going on, Mom. It's weird.
He's a married man, and he's not a licensed counselor.
He's a pastor, Donny.
- Donny. - Huh?
- Are you listening? - Um,
no, there's just a guy dressed in a pope outfit
pushing a burning shopping cart.
Is that a Catholic school, Donny?
Don't let them brainwash you.
Can somebody tell me the difference between archetype and stereotype?
A stereotype is an archetype with no sense of fashion.
Come on. Give me some examples.
Yuri? You want to join us?
You want examples from mythology?
I'll take any literary example.
Okay, um, archetype is Emily Dickinson,
and stereotype is Lisa Simpson.
Nice, Penny.
What about you, Don?
Um, archetype is Tolstoy.
Stereotype is, uh, Tolstoy.
What do you know about Russian literature?
Yuri, everyone's entitled.
Okay. Archetype is...
Texan.
Big car,
tracks shit everywhere,
closet racist, inbred...
Ooh.
Fundamentalist Christian.
Okay, now you're insulting me.
Notice he doesn't deny it.
Oh, chill out, dude.
There's plenty of Texans who ain't Christian.
Bonnie and Clyde,
ZZ Top,
David Koresh.
I hadn't technically denied anything.
It just felt good to have people laughing with me for once.
You wake up here every day feeling lost in a sea of individuality.
Everyone here seems so sure of themselves.
Double... Hey, Penny.
They have their own look.
They occupy their own space.
...whereas in a patriarchal society,
our concept of God tends to mimic the way we see our own fathers.
Thoughts?
Why would a loving God refer to himself as "Father" anyways,
when so many fathers abandon their children?
Seems like a marketing mistake.
They reward you for asking questions I'd never even thought of in Texas.
I didn't care what it took.
I just wanted to fit in,
so I did what anyone else in my position would do.
I got drunk.
- I had a lesbian take me shopping. - Go.
No.
You're so soft.
And I searched for the perfect campus organization
that would make me feel like a bona fide Reedie.
I, uh, got a notice that Flag Football's been canceled.
Lack of interest.
In football?
What's wrong? You lonely?
Need a hobby?
The human dilemma must be experienced.
Preferably for credit.
Fire Juggling, full.
Human Chess Club, full.
Lamaze for Non-mothers, full.
Malaysian Cocktail Tennis has openings.
Ball.
My tennis partner is in rehab.
Reflex Yoga, full.
Sand Yoga, Hot Yoga, Partners Yoga, full.
Vietnam War Reenactment needs a GI.
Have you tried Civil Disobedience?
For credit?
Yeah.
Okay, we go in two by two,
one-minute intervals, occupy all the aisles,
especially the ones near the cash register.
And remember, if anything goes wrong,
Remulac-7 is going to sound the alarm.
And we will reconvene at the cemetery across the road.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay. Let's do this.
Hey, can I interest you in our frequent buyers program?
I'm just a robot. The franchise tells me what to read.
Please direct me to your restroom.
Just back there.
Corporations control you through printed lies.
Leave this store. Run now.
"...little smidgens of fading heaven.
Little cosmic mysteries plucked from the starry, starry night."
Attention, Books, Ink shoppers,
Uh, you may have noticed some alien life-forms roaming the aisles.
Take me to your reader.
I assume they, uh, mean us no harm.
"You are precious little cosmic mysteries."
Just, uh... Just kids having their fun.
But if any of them become a nuisance,
be sure and let me know at the front counter.
Just, uh, come up, and, uh...
Ignore him, corporate drones.
We are taking over your so-called knowledge repository.
All right, just... just give me the book.
Hey, hey! This is a rental.
Security. Mall security.
Can we have security up here at the front counter, please?
Or across the front aisle. Now he's in the main aisle.
He's in the main aisle. He crossed the main aisle.
He's the, uh, only astronaut in the pet care section.
He's running like there's no gravity.
Can anybody hear me?
Hey, this is a robot invasion, not an astronaut invasion.
Yeah. When I went to the store, they were out...
I can't hear you.
Don.
I didn't expect to see you here.
In gardening?
No, at a robot invasion...
in an astronaut costume.
Do I look stupid?
You just look like you don't belong.
Which actually makes you look kind of cute.
Do you even know why we're here?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Uh, you're against something, right?
We're also for a lot of things.
Then what are you doing in gardening?
Anarchist's Cookbook is on aisle five.
Are you gonna play nice, or am I gonna have to shut that visor
and leave you on a planet to die?
Uh, excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am, we're against gardening.
It's consumeristic.
- We're against gardening... - No, gardening is fine,
but there's a lovely independent bookstore on Hawthorne.
Don't let major corporations tell you what to read.
Or how to grow tomatoes.
What?
Oh, welcome to work, gentlemen.
Did you enjoy your nap?
Yeah, get rid of 'em. Get 'em out of here.
Look the door behind 'em.
Yeah... Son of a... Hey, come back!
There. You want some? I think you need some.
I mean, what is the point of all this stuff?
Does anyone alive even remember this guy?
Oh, thanks.
Why do you wear the same clothes every day?
I don't.
It's a protest thing.
Shut up.
She's not buying clothes for a year.
What did clothes ever do to you?
You wouldn't understand, Don.
I want to do something against something.
Yeah, have fun with that.
I will.
Oh, hey, Quinn, wait up.
Oh, dude, hey, give me the bottle.
Ah, there's none left.
Come on. It's half full.
Half empty. That's the way I...
- What's that?! - What the fu...
Not funny. Whoo. Sorry.
Ahh! Get away from me.
Why do you want to do something, Don?
Uh, I don't know. 'Cause chicks dig it, right?
- You know any dead people? - Not personally.
- Parents alive and well? - Alive, not well.
- Divorced? - Aren't they all?
Tell me about it.
Come on.
Mom got sick.
She hears things,
sees people that aren't there.
You really want to hear all this?
It started when I was seven.
She thought the CIA was after her for having an affair with JFK.
That one might be true.
Do the math.
You want to know my favorite memory of my mom?
Don't laugh, okay?
We would spend, like...
half an hour going through our hair,
checking for microphones.
She got diagnosed that year,
but I still wanted to believe I had microphones in my hair,
because if I did,
it would mean I could keep my mom.
I'm sorry, Penny.
No, I mean it. I'm really sorry.
She says she didn't know what was in the bottle,
but I swear I tasted Red Bull.
Or whatever I drank has me feeling pretty good.
Thanks for walking me home.
Oh, yeah, sure. Anytime.
Maybe I'll just power through till morning.
It's okay. I got this from here.
Okay. Nice dorms.
Sorry.
It's time for bed, Don.
Hey, uh, there's a...
There's a... Testing, one, two.
Okay, good night, Don.
I was just checking for microphones.
Hey, I can help you with your box.
I'll be fine. Thank you.
Relax. I'll recycle it.
I said I've got it, Don.
Hey, uh, Penny.
Hey, uh...
Hey, I'm sorry.
I-I'm not... I'm not like that.
It's...
Okay. Um...
I'll see you in class tomorrow.
Different war, same story.
We do the bidding of the gods.
It's always God's fault with you.
I was actually talking about Republicans,
but I suppose you could argue they're God's fault.
What are the rest of you thinking?
Is Achilles' army just dying for nothing?
It's not for nothing. They fight for glory,
for family, for their culture.
Come on. It's a culture war.
Achilles' pride starts it. The gods bless it,
and mythology stokes up another round of misery for everyone.
Why do you always dismiss all religious impulse?
I grew up agnostic, but...
I admire any religion that has the balls to search for God.
Yeah, because the Crusades, those were very ballsy.
You know nothing.
My grandfather Topov
was killed for smuggling an icon out of Russia,
for trying to preserve a way of life.
Don, you're strangely quiet. What do you think?
I think that if it weren't for religion,
Grandpa Topov might have preserved his own life.
Hey, by the way,
it wasn't religion that killed Yuri's grandfather.
It was Stalin.
Don't take it personal, Miller.
Nerd babes.
Many have tried. All have failed.
There's just something about her that I get.
My dorm mate last year thought the same exact thing.
Rhodes scholar, Tall Biker,
looked like Jeff Buckley,
and if he couldn't bag that, well, good luck.
Tall Biker?
My friend, the Reed College Tall Bike Club
is the apex of our prestige pyramid.
It's like being captain of the tennis team.
Mommy, look.
Hey, um, how much are these?
- 15. - Mom!
Hey!
Hey, stop that bear!
Hey!
What are you doing? Hey!
Come on, man!
Ohh!
What did I do?
This is literally the best water you have ever had in your life.
This bottle is not recycled, but that is a good thing,
because recycled bottles equal dirty plastic.
This is amazing. It is bottled straight at the source.
It's pretty much all I drink.
- Everybody have one. - Thank you.
They're free. Merry Christmas.
The place in the Himalayas where they got it
has actually been hidden for the last 300 years.
Hey.
Can we talk?
Looks easier from the ground.
Yeah, we don't give spiders enough credit.
Sorry.
Are you okay?
Bear stole my bike at the flea market.
Aw, that's awful. I didn't know they rode bikes.
They do at the flea market.
Bought you an early Christmas present.
It's okay. It's just a little something.
You celebrate Christmas?
I'm sentimental that way.
Your hands were cold that night at the graveyard.
And I know you're not buying clothes this year.
This was really thoughtful. Thanks, Don.
Merry Christmas.
There we go. Swallow.
It's so good.
- I know, right? - Yeah.
What are you doing this weekend?
Studying. You?
I have to...
Don, feet on the wall, and lean back.
I thought you said you were certified.
I am, on the climbing wall at Fun-world.
I got the card in my wallet.
I... I think that my spray adhesive is coming off.
Tori to Amos. Tori to Amos.
- I was kidding. I'm okay. - Come in, Tori.
Do you hear sirens?
Affirmative. What's going on down there?
May want to pick up the pace.
Donald Miller.
I may agree with the sentiment of your protest.
I may even agree in principle with your activism,
but the school cannot condone the destruction of private property,
no matter how just the cause.
Hey, guys, take a look.
Quinn, check this out.
I suppose you all could use some lunch.
I got a call from Aqualike’s publicist this morning.
They decided that some sales just aren't worth it.
Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech!
Come on. Go.
Well, last night was my first time in the big house.
And I'm not gonna make the standard joke
about who made me their, you know, girlfriend.
Where I come from, we do crazy things for the hell of it,
but last night was the first time
I felt like what I was doing meant something.
So thanks for bailing us out.
But I'd especially like to thank our ringleader, Penny.
Thanks.
Hey.
There you are.
I was looking for you.
Hey.
You missed the part where I thanked you.
You mean I missed your speech?
Hey, Penny,
what's with you?
We got arrested.
Okay, so maybe I like the attention.
Maybe you just like feeling better than everybody else.
Nice umbrella!
What was that all about?
People in Portland don't use umbrellas.
That's dumb.
Penny.
Hey.
Are you mad?
Do you really think I do all of this to feel superior?
No.
I mean, it's just...
you're so good that...
I guess you can't help making other people feel like shit sometimes.
That's all.
If you're trying to seduce me, it's not working.
I'll work on it over Christmas break.
So when do you head home?
I think I'm just gonna hang out here
since home feels about a million miles away.
- You? - I'm taking a little trip.
Where you going?
India.
The country?
Yeah, my dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas,
and I've always wanted to go there, so...
Gonna sabotage Aqualike’s pipeline?
Actually, I'm gonna be working in a refugee camp.
I'm sorry if that makes you feel like shit.
Have a good Christmas, Don.
I'll think about what you said.
Pen.
You want to keep the umbrella?
No.
Message in your mailbox.
Donny, I know it's a long drive,
but we've never been apart for the holidays.
And I can't bear the thought of Christmas without you.
Please call me and tell me you got this.
Message deleted.
90 minutes till Christmas, friend.
Maybe this'll get me in the mood.
Jordan?
Merry Christmas, dude.
You look good.
I got some beer.
Do you?
I read on the Internet
there's something in turkey interferes with the patch.
- You started smoking? - No, I stopped chewing.
Remember my little stunt the last day on the line?
- Yeah. - Well, couple months later,
they're having this big outdoor youth rally in Australia...
or Austria, something... for the Pope,
Baptists, Catholics, Episcopalians.
They're passing out, like, 100,000 of them porta-cups for Mass.
Hey, guess what's in one of 'em.
No way.
Some nun got sick drinking the Skoal-tainted blood of Christ.
No!
'Course it gets traced back to the shop.
Boss is pissed.
He was ready to swab everyone's cheek, get their DNA.
That's when I fessed up.
They fired you?
Hell, yeah, they fired me.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
Next Sunday, I go to Mass for the first time since I was a kid.
I figure I owe the Pope one, you know.
Well, don't laugh,
but when I go up for Communion,
it's like Jesus is whispering to me from inside the cup.
Really?
I swear to God, I can hear him
telling me the same thing my mama used to say.
"Don't shit where you eat."
Anyway, I find out that the nun, the one who got sick,
live up in Canada running a home for retards.
Except you ain't supposed to call 'em that.
Don't laugh! But I felt like God
wanted me to even things up, you know.
So I call her up,
and after talking to her on the phone for 10 minutes,
she said I need to be there.
So I'm off to Canada to help the retards.
Come on. You're into this stuff, right?
Merry Christmas, dude.
What?
What do you say we don't go to midnight Mass somewhere,
give old baby Jesus a holler?
I'm not really dressed.
Come on, man. Ain't like your church.
Not even the priest wears a tie.
Nah, I'm not really interested.
'Cause it ain't Baptist?
You all right, big guy?
So when do you start up in Canada?
Not until February. I saved up a little money.
I was thinking maybe I'd kick it around here a while,
assuming you got a spare floor.
Uh, bro, my, um...
You know, I'd totally let you crash,
but my roommate's coming back early.
Ah, that's cool.
I was thinking that maybe I'd head up there early.
They got these cabins where the volunteers go
for these three-day silent retreats.
Heh. I can't shut the hell up for five minutes.
I figure I might need a few practice runs.
You still got my cell number, right?
'Cause I tried calling you a few times.
School has been, like, really crazy.
Yeah.
Well...
I guess I'm gonna go wish Jesus a happy birthday.
Peace.
See ya.
It was good seeing you, man.
Yeah. Hey, thanks for coming, Jordan.
Hey, merry Christmas.
Here it is again! Bullshit bookmobile!
Welcome back, Reedies.
It's that time of year again to donate
those Christmas presents you are never gonna read!
Come on. You know your parents only gave 'em to you
because they are easy to wrap!
Give 'em the demise they so richly deserve!
Put 'em out of their misery!
Give me your tired, your poorly written,
your huddled mass media yearning to be trees!
Miller, you look lost.
- Me? - Yeah.
Ah, it's just a beer buzz.
How was Christmas break?
I don't do Christmas.
What you got going later?
Sleeping off a holiday hangover.
I have a little project that might require your...
special talents. What do you think?
What?
Trust me. It's big,
very big.
Texas big!
What the hell?
Lauryn?
She's straight.
What?
Quinn is straight.
She doesn't even experiment.
I know I told myself I'd give it six months,
just to see if she showed any sign.
And then I... I caught her reading
an Anais Nin book in the campus bookstore.
I just assumed.
Wouldn't you assume?
Told you her ass wasn't big enough.
Stop, Don. I'm serious.
I mean, I love her.
Can I stay here tonight?
Will you put out?
No.
Then leave immediately.
Come on. Think back to when you were bi-curious.
Think back to when you were nice.
I just don't understand what girls see in you guys.
So you can move heavy objects?
Big deal.
Are there that many heavy objects that need moving?
I heard the penis plays a role in procreation.
Genitals are overrated.
So is Anais Nin.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Lauryn.
Oh, man, it just sucks.
Yeah.
- Are you ready? - What?
- Oh, come on. - Not you, too.
Junior college transfers.
What are you doing?
I'm purging the campus of false dogma,
but I didn't think for a second that you were gonna need my help.
Do you know the Stone Age tribes of New Guinea do not have cellphones
because they never grew wheat? Did you know that?
I didn't get that far.
Now you know.
Hey, those cost money.
I'm The Pope, man.
I speak for God.
God wants you to burn books?
God doesn't exist, and here is the proof.
Would a loving God possibly allow this to exist?
I think not.
That was a graduation gift.
Who made you Pope, anyway?
Last year's Pope at Renn Fayre.
You don't know about any of this?
Big weekend bash after exams at the end of the school year.
Sex, drugs, naked elves.
The firstjob of the new Pope
is to take confessions during Renn Fayre, so...
go to a little booth,
and all the students line up to confess their sins.
They confess to you?
All night long.
At first, I thought,
"This is gonna be awesome.
"I mean, I'm gonna hear about
every kinky sex act from here to Seattle,"
and I got a lot of that, but then...
this one sad bastard, he starts telling me
how when he was a kid,
this priest at his church used to take him into his office,
you know, and...
right there under the crucifix,
Father Feel-you-up would just...
go at him.
It was heavy.
So I start thinking, right?
I should be doing something to help these people.
I mean, I got the robe. I got the hat. I'm The Pope.
I should be using my powers for good.
So then I get the idea.
I start getting people to tell me right there in the confession booth,
"How has God screwed you up?"
And maybe it's the PCP talking, but...
I find out how afraid people are of a God who doesn't even exist.
Oh, don't touch those albums. Hey. Come on.
You know, tomorrow millions of people
are gonna start filing into churches
and praying that their loving God
is not gonna burn them in Hell forever.
And you think burning books is gonna help?
It's not like I'm torching anything useful.
Every steeple hides a sleeper cell.
They smile, They shake your hand,
and then you're drinking the Kool-Aid.
They want to rule us, Donny boy.
They're like Taliban in training,
and we've gotta stop 'em, you know, combine all our resources.
Street theater. Civil unrest. You know what I mean?
I don't want to scare you,
but there's a lesbian in your bed.
Oh, man, I need a beer.
Get your shoes on, Miller.
I've got something planned
that's gonna make your little billboard escapade.
Look like frat boys TPing the dean's house.
You want civil unrest at 4 A.M.?
You're okay with heights, right?
What is it, Daddy?
It's a, uh, balloon,
a happy balloon.
"Don't let
"these people...
re-prod-uce."
Very good, Sophie.
Hey.
When'd you get back from India?
- Was it you? - Huh?
The condom and the steeple.
Are you wearing a wire?
Answer the question.
So you saw it.
I go to church there, Don.
You what?
You heard me.
Well, it's not like we did any permanent damage.
I had a six-year-old ask me why the cross was wearing a baggie.
It's supposed to symbolize...
A condom on the steeple?
It was just a...
"Don't let these people reproduce"?
It was just a joke.
What do you know about those people?
Whatever, you know?
People can do what they want,
believe what they want.
It was just a joke.
I'm sorry, all right?
I had no idea you even went to church.
You really believe all that stuff, huh?
Don't patronize me.
I don't mean to.
It just seems a little primitive to still be a...
A Christian?
Well, yeah.
I wasn't born that way, Don.
I read the Bible in Lit class last year,
and it turns out I like Jesus.
A lot.
Does anybody know?
Are you gonna turn me in?
You know what? I'm leaving.
H-Hey, Penny.
How was India?
It was life-changing.
Did you take pictures?
Yeah. I'm doing a slide show on Sunday night.
I'll come.
Do you forgive me for the steeple thing?
It's not about me, Don.
You don't even really know what you did,
because you don't know the people that you hurt.
Well, maybe I can meet these people.
I'm not asking you to do that.
No. It's my idea.
I want to.
Okay.10:30, next Sunday.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Don. Is this a good time?
Not good.
On my way to church,
believe it or not.
Don, I have some hard news...
Hold on.
Am I on speakerphone, Don?
- You there? - Am I... Am I on speakerphone?
It's fine, Mom. Nobody's around.
Don, can you take me off the speakerphone, please?
Fine. Okay, I'll take it off speakerphone.
What's wrong?
Don, I have some hard news.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant, and the baby is Kenny's.
Oh, God.
It was a mistake.
- What? - I made a mistake.
- Hypocrite! - We made a mistake.
Bitch!
I'm gonna let you talk to Kenny.
Hey, bro.
Put her back on.
Listen, I know exactly how you feel.
No, Kenny, you don't know how I'm feeling.
You know why? Because you're an asshole!
You're a puppeteering asshole freak!
Well, see that school has improved your language.
We can learn much about the spiritual life
from a term used in sound recording,
called the "noise floor."
The noise floor is the amount of noise
already present in an environment...
that, uh, has to be overcome before anything else can be heard.
Now, this concept is particularly important...
...when it comes to the life of the spirit.
We need to find a refuge from the often-deafening
noise floor of life...
to hear the still, small voice of God.
Young man, may I help you?
Yeah. Got some things to return.
All right. Okay, you ready? Overhand again.
Okay, bring it back overhand.
Hello.
Miller! Miller.
Hey, park this piece of crap. It's about to start.
I can't find a space.
Ah, it's after 6:00. I give you my blessing to park here.
Yeah, right. Nice.
Take the Bible. Please.
It's not that the book is contradictory.
It's not a book at all.
It's a collection of writings
compiled over the course of nine centuries
that, when taken together,
present such a hopelessly muddled worldview
that it's easy to see why so many of its followers
for so much of our history
have killed one another over its meanings.
Many refugee families have become subsistence farmers
who live in abandoned and often condemned houses and shacks
and survive year to year by planting whatever crops they can.
Mr. Larkin has set up the scientific method
as his biblical canon,
yet with that method,
he still can't prove that a sunset is more beautiful than...
I don't know, camel dung.
Or that music is more sensible than noise.
By his own reasoning,
he is delusional to even tell his wife and children he loves them.
There's nothing delusional about the chemical reaction we call love.
It forces the species to bond together
and preserve the social structure, nothing more.
The theist has a sound explanation
as to why humans need more than to just survive.
We long for love and justice,
beauty, transcendence,
because they echo the voice calling us to know their origin.
Okay, let's take another question.
Uh, Mr. Larkin, I'm just curious...
Actually, the gentleman right next to the hat, please.
Um, Mr. Larkin,
in your book, you admit to a sense of awe and reverence
when you encounter the beauty of nature
and the intricacies of the universe.
Has that ever led you to consider that there might be a God?
No.
Hell, no.
So then where do we find meaning?
Meaning?
The universe doesn't owe us meaning, son.
If you want meaning,
I suggest you try a dictionary.
Yeah. Thanks.
And on the last day,
when I went to say goodbye to the family,
they were already waiting for me.
Little Reena came up to me with a giant smile on her face
and handed me an egg that their chicken had laid.
I knew it was all they had.
So when you think of Kashmir...
that's the face I'd like you to remember.
Um, are there any questions?
Lauryn.
The amount of misery and suffering in that part of the world
seems so overwhelming.
I just... I don't know how you deal with it.
Is that a question, Lauryn?
I mean, I don't mean to get personal,
but I know you have these religious beliefs,
and...
don't you ever wonder why God doesn't just do something?
Look, I don't mean to go all Mother Teresa on you,
but she believed that the spiritual poverty of the West
was far more oppressive
than any physical poverty she saw in India.
All I know is that when I was there,
away from all the noise and distraction,
I never felt so close to God.
I can't explain it.
I just want to go back.
Thank you.
Don?
Are you there?
Don.
Where were you tonight?
What are you doing with my phone?
Um, I fixed it with my hair dryer.
You shouldn't hang up on your mom.
You didn't talk to her, did you?
We chatted... briefly.
She needs you, Don.
Stay away from me, Penny.
Don!
Don, wait!
Don, she made a mistake.
No, dialing the wrong number is a mistake.
Having a baby with a married man, that's being a slut.
You're talking about your mother.
Yeah, I think I know her a little better than you do.
What else did she tell you?
Not that much.
Were you really assistant to your youth pastor?
Get the hell away from me.
Why are you trying to hide who you are?
'Cause I'm done with those freaks.
What, like me?
- You wouldn't understand. - Why not?
Because your mom isn't having sex with a youth pastor.
No, my mom is just roaming the streets of God knows where
having sex with JFK.
- At least she's got an excuse. - And what's my excuse?
I stopped visiting her when I was in high school
because I was too ashamed.
Now I have no idea where she is.
I didn't know.
Yeah, there's a lot you don't know about everybody.
People are human. People are flawed.
We all have our crap.
I abandoned my mom.
Talk to her.
I want to be alone.
I'm taking this.
Don't look at the flame.
If you start pushing people away,
eventually they just leave you alone...
with your thoughts,
with your demons,
with the sound of your own breathing.
But if you're going to have an existential crisis,
Portland in winter is hard to beat.
The city is a shadow.
The clouds are a blanket pulled over your head.
School year seems like it's never going to end.
And it's easy to avoid the people you're trying to avoid.
By the end of finals,
you're so burned out on the pursuit of knowledge
that any sign of life,
even if it's artificial,
seems worth pursuing.
Hey, hey, hey. What's up?
We're almost there. Lauryn!
I found her barking up a tree. I think she's dehydrated.
Let's get her to a cot.
Hey, Miller! Little help?
- Hey. - Hey.
Thank you for returning my e-mails.
Sorry. School has been crazy.
Yeah, you promised me last month you'd help me with this.
I don't do well around blood.
Or that.
Miller.
Leaded or unleaded?
Time will tell.
So... your first Renn Fayre.
What do you think?
Snacks are good.
You have no idea.
You gonna miss being The Pope?
You know, it's weird.
Certain people see the hat coming, and it's almost like...
It's almost like it gives them hope.
Go with dog, my son.
If God's dead, what's the point?
'Cause people need this shit, and they always will.
The people with steel balls are the ones who never cry out to God.
I mean, they've looked into the abyss, and they know, man.
There is no one coming to the rescue.
How do you know that?
I know what I know, Miller.
That kid, the one in the booth last year,
who got abused by the priest...
What about him?
Nothing.
To the great nothing.
What's this?
It goes with the brownies.
Let's do some damage.
Yeah!
The air is heavy with anticipation
as the silent crowd awaits the decision.
The Pope has made his selection.
Prepare for the crowning of the new Pope!
Candidates, present yourselves!
Huzzah! Huzzah.
Ah, this is gonna get nasty.
The Pope considers the Russian.
And the Russian has been passed over!
Who shall it be?
The young foppish prince?
It is not to be, my friends!
Will the ginger lady ragdoll be our new Pope?
She is not. The rabbit stands alone.
Prepare for the crowning of our new Pope!
No! The rabbit has been rejected.
This is unprecedented! Who now?!
Who now amongst us shall be The Pope?
The Pope considers the Texan.
What madness is this?
It's just a hunch, Miller.
The Pope will now remove his miter.
Hold your applause.
His Eminence can be fickle.
The Pope has been chosen!
Citizens of the Reed, we have a new Pope!
Yeah!
Let the christening of the pagans commence!
Prepare yourself...
to kiss The Virgin.
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
Faithful subjects of Reed,
greet your new Pope!
The Pope is down!
We have a down Pope!
Oh, God.
Climax.
Oh, God help me.
The final C in SCCR.
Hello!
Hello?
Somebody!
I'm trapped in... in this thing!
Hello! Help me!
Hello?
Hello. Hello. Get me out of here!
Uh, hold on.
Hey, n-no. I'm trapped in here!
Please get me out of here!
Please! Please get me out!
I... I think I'm gonna have to roll this.
Okay. Okay, I don't care. I don't care. Go.
All right, you ready?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just do it.
Try again. Try...
You okay?
It's okay. Just take my hand.
My daddy has a dress like that.
Don't forget your miter.
Very good, Sophie.
When dawn breaks in Echo Park
near downtown Los Angeles, the locals begin to...
Breaking news report.
The government is calling it the deadliest earthquake in India's history,
and the devastation took the greatest toll on Kashmir,
with local officials confirming at least 16,000 dead,
a number they fear may double,
as area refugee camps face a shortage of food, water and medical supplies.
Penny.
Penny?
She left.
Gone to India.
When?
Last night after the news about the earthquake broke.
Dude, she was trying to find you.
Um, I'm doing laundry,
so you want to...
Yeah.
I'll use the delicate cycle.
Thanks.
Don't look.
- Don't flatter yourself. - Shut up.
No peeking.
Are those owls?
Penguins.
Told you not to look.
Sorry.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something...
before you can love it yourself.
Penny loves Jesus.
My dad loves jazz.
He told me jazz is like life,
because it doesn't resolve.
And he gave me his record collection to prove it.
But I've been listening to those records over and over,
and every time I put on Coltrane's A Love Supreme,
I could swear I hear something my father says isn't there.
I hear a resolution.
Resolution,
the final element in story.
I know not everybody hears the universe this way,
but what if Penny's right?
What if God is trying to compose something?
What if all these stars are notes on a page of music,
swirling in the blue like jazz?
Hey, Mom.
Don, is that you?
I'm glad you called, Mom. How are you?
Some of you have come a long way to get here,
and I'm talking about a geography of the heart.
But what you're looking for is bigger than any church,
so this is the time in the service
when we get out of the way
so that you can speak to God directly...
and hopefully hear God speak to you.
Thought you were in Kashmir.
I got as far as Los Angeles,
and the embassy stopped issuing visas.
Did you ever call your mom?
She said to give you a hug.
Amen.
The peace of the Lord be always with you.
And also with you.
Right this way, Your Eminence.
Well, you look reasonably sober.
Yeah, you know.
Try it on.
Sweet.
All right, sit down.
And according to tradition,
I am to be your first confession,
so let's see.
Oh, I stole a condom out of The Virgin's wallet.
Last night while he was passed out.
I figured he wasn't really gonna be using it, so...
This is the part where I say you're forgiven?
Uh-huh. Are you sure you're up for this?
It's hard shoes to fill.
You were a well-loved Pope.
Ah. Kiss-ass.
Well, I'm going to leave you to your flock.
Some of us are heading out to the Grand Canyon in the morning
for a little, uh, summer trip,
so, um, I won't be seeing you.
Have a good time. Congrats on graduating.
Yeah, well,
nine years well spent.
Hey.
Um, I forgot to ask you something.
Can you come back in just a minute?
I need to say...
I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
I'm sorry for what might have happened to you
when you were younger.
The priest.
I don't know.
I'm just sorry.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Can... Can you just sit back down?
There's a lot you don't know about me.
I come out of this subculture
that believes in God
and Jesus, the whole deal.
I came here to escape it,
because I was ashamed of it.
Well, you've done a hell of a job. I'm very proud of you.
But it turns out that I'm not just ashamed
of my strange church
or its political views
or all the hypocrites.
I'm ashamed of Jesus.
Is this gonna get weird?
Yeah, probably.
But that's the point.
I-I'm ashamed of Jesus because I want you to like me.
I want you to think I'm smart
or sophisticated or whatever.
It's like Jesus is the geek in the cafeteria sitting by himself,
and I'm the guy pretending he's not my friend.
Miller, we're both tired.
You're The Pope now. Do with it what you want.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm talking to you as a person.
You and I both hate
those people who think they can do whatever they want
because God is on their side, right?
Well, I'm apologizing,
because I'm the same as they are.
All that stuff in the Bible
about feeding the poor,
I've never done any of that.
God tells us to love everybody.
I've hated people...
my family,
folks back home I don't agree with,
idiot pastors.
I... I hated 'em
because I thought they made me look like a fool.
I've spent the school year trying to ditch God.
But I can't.
It's like He's following me around.
I'm confessing to you
that I'm tired of being a hypocrite
and a coward.
I need you to forgive me.
Do you forgive me?
I wouldn't know what to forgive you for.
Do you forgive me for misrepresenting God?
He isn't like me.
He isn't... He isn't afraid,
and He isn't a coward, and He isn't a hypocrite,
and He isn't like that messed-up priest
who raped you when you were a kid.
I should have told you that a long time ago.
Will you forgive me?
Yeah.
I forgive you.
It's good, Miller,
what you're doing.
It's a start.
You know, if everybody out there in that line
gets the same treatment I did,
you are in for a long night.
Yeah, well, so much to apologize for.
Maybe I'll start with the Crusades...
Yeah.
Then work my way through to U.S. foreign policy.
Yeah.
You're gonna be here a while.
You really believe in all this stuff?
I think...
I do.
Then...
Dominus vobiscum.
My man.
Hey, guys, you are not gonna want to miss this.
Come on, come on. I'm sure that we got
a free space in line for you.
Hey, what's up?
Everybody in line, saints and sinners.
Hey, hey, there's a line, man.
I have something to confess.
- Your, uh... - Wait.
I'm going first.