Mom, can I have some ice cream?
Hey, Bob, wait up.
And the sunlight clasped the earth
And the moonbeams kissed the sea
What are all these kissings worth
If thou kiss not me?
That's it.
- Mike. - Mr. Brackett.
Okay, that Cameron Drake guy, did you really teach him?
Yes, I did, Mike. Right here in this very room.
Do you have a question about the poem?
Yes. Meredith.
When Cameron went here did he have a girlfriend?
- Please. - Jack.
- Mr. Brackett. - Vicky.
- Does this have to do with the poem? - Oh, yeah.
You have a comment about English literature or Romantic poetry?
- Absolutely. - Oh, let's hear it.
Well, when Cameron went here
and he studied English literature and Romantic poetry,
was he really cute?
No. No, he's had massive surgery. A complete overhaul.
He was an iguana.
But, you know, he loved this poem.
Excuse me. Mr. Brackett.
Mr. Brackett.
- Jack. - It's here.
- What? - From Indiana State.
- Hey, Mr. Brackett. - And? Hey, Joe.
Mr. Brackett, will you open it? It'll make it a lot easier.
I mean, what if I-- I mean, I'm not gonna get in.
I bet that it just says, "Nice try, you moron.
- You loser. Get lost. Get out of here." - That's not quite the way they put it.
- Hey, coach. - Hey.
- Yes. You're in. Full scholarship. - Yes? Yes?
- Way to go. - Yes.
Yes.
- What he said was-- - You didn't understand what he said.
Wait, wait. He's coming.
Gentlemen, are we having a practice?
We can't, you know. It's our coach.
You know, he's getting married this week.
Yes, that's correct.
And he's drunk.
I'm drunk?
Pretty soon!
You guys.
Congratulations, Mr. Brackett.
You're so beautiful.
Howard?
You look exquisite.
Oh, I just wish my folks were still here.
They never thought it would happen. They never thought I'd get married.
We're your family now, dear. I'm not just Howard's mom. I'm yours.
Beware.
But, honey, when you walked in here last month, I almost died.
- I didn't recognize you. - She's worked very hard.
- Isn't she a knockout? - Absolutely.
I just had been fat my whole life,
and I was not gonna waddle down that aisle.
And when I saw that Richard Simmons' infomercial...
I love him.
Well, remember when he actually went to that woman's house
who lost over 400 pounds using the tapes?
- Yes. - I just thought;
"If she can do it, so can I."
And you did. Bridal Barn, we salute you.
- It's a straitjacket, is what it is. - Dad.
It's a classic, the J-12.
You know, everybody in town's been stopping by
revving up for your nuptials.
Look at this.
Oh, son. I don't know.
The Tormé.
Thank you. Well...
In just a few short days, Emily and I will be married.
After three long years.
What, you may be asking yourself, was the problem?
You said it.
Well, Aunt Becky, I think I have the answer.
I vowed that I would not be married
until Cameron Drake was nominated for an Oscar.
I thought I was safe.
Now, tonight's the night, for Cameron, at least,
and so I'll let you all get back to your sets.
And this Sunday, thanks to my mom and dad and Emily,
it's gonna be the happiest day of my life.
Wouldn't it be extraordinary if Cameron actually wins?
- You remember, I had him. - You did?
Yeah. I was a student teacher, it was sophomore English.
He used to come every day after school for extra help.
We spent the whole year reciting Romeo and Juliet to each other.
Oh, really? Just the two of you?
He was just a student.
Well, all right.
Now, which channel?
Who wants movie-style buttery lite?
Me. I do.
- Score pads and pencils. - Over here.
Oh, thanks.
Gretchen, what do you have for Best Documentary?
Something about Polish mine workers and their struggle to be free.
I hope that nice Sally Field wins.
- But she's not nominated. - Even so.
It's almost time.
- Well, turn it on. Turn it on. - Turn it on.
The place, Hollywood, U.S.A.
This is Peter Malloy for Inside Entertainment
inviting you to join me for Hollywood's night of nights,
the 68th Annual Academy Awards.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is another screen legend,
an Oscar winner herself, Miss Whoopi Goldberg.
- Whoopi. - Whoopi, I love you.
Whoopi.
So, Whoop, Cameron Drake, his chances?
I think this kid is incredible.
- He is so sexy, so sweet. - It's Cameron.
I mean, I just adore him.
I mean, he's just the best there is, you know.
It's Cameron Drake.
There he is.
Look.
Cameron, Cameron, Cameron,
Cameron, Cameron, Cameron
He is just so cool.
- What is that stuff on his chin? - It looks like a troll doll.
- Did he just wake up? - Shut up.
Ladies and gentlemen, here comes America's hottest young star
and People magazine's sexiest man of the year, poor guy,
Cameron Drake.
- Hello. - Hey.
Hey.
- So, Cameron, tonight's the big night. - Cameron!
- All the marbles. Planet Cameron. - Right.
- Excuse me? - I said right.
- Yeah. - Right.
Everyone's saying you won't be going home empty-handed.
How do you feel about that? And speak up.
Well, basically to me, awards are meaningless.
I'm an artist. It's about the work. All the nominees are artists.
We shouldn't be forced to compete with each other like dogs.
I hear you. Good point.
So then why are you here?
In case I win.
Cameron!
And now we return to the 68th Annual Academy A wards.
Coming up, the Oscar for best performance by an actor.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Glenn Close.
And now our final nominee for Best Actor.
Cameron Drake.
Cameron rocketed to stardom with courage and charisma
tackling the role of a brave gay soldier
in the breakthrough film To Serve and Protect.
You're gonna make it, Danny.
I love you, Billy.
Wait. Do you love me as a friend or in another way?
Another way, Billy.
You mean as a brother?
No, another way.
- You mean as a cousin? - No, another way.
You mean as a pen pal?
My legs hurt.
Proceed.
Lieutenant Stevens,
you've been awarded two Purple Hearts and a Congressional Medal of Honor.
You saved the lives of your entire unit.
However, your sergeant has come across
the following items in your footlocker.
Will you kindly tell the court if they are yours?
A personal letter to another soldier.
Oh, no.
Yes, sir.
A photograph signed, "Danny, San Francisco."
Yes, sir.
And finally, an autographed copy of Beaches starring Bette Midler.
Give that back.
Discharge. Dishonorable.
They're kicking him out.
That's not fair.
I mean, he killed people.
Danny, I just don't know.
Did I do the right thing?
Ask him.
Well, Mr. President, am I still a good American?
It's a statue, Billy.
Oh, Danny. I love you.
Come on, let's go home.
Billy?
Billy.
Billy!
Oh, look, here he is.
This is Cameron's first nomination, and he's in extremely good company.
Tonight, he joins fellow Best Actor nominees;
Paul Newman for Coot.
Clint Eastwood for Codger.
Michael Douglas for Primary Urges.
And Steven Seagal for Snowball in Hell.
And the winner is;
Cameron Drake, To Serve and Protect.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. - Yes.
That's it! Yes!
Doofus, doofus, doofus.
- That's our boy. He did it. Look at that. - Look at him. Oh, my God.
Thank you. Thank you.
Nice, man.
Nice.
I'd like to thank a great director, an incredible cast,
my agent and my new agent.
But I'm just an actor playing someone.
This really belongs to all the gay soldiers and sailors
and other guys and women
who defend this country to keep us free but can't date.
So maybe I should thank someone else.
Someone who's really been there.
Someone who taught me a lot about poetry and Shakespeare,
and just, like, you know, staying awake, man.
Someone who's just an overall great guy and a great teacher.
To Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana.
- Look at that. - Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't believe it.
And he's gay.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about this night,
and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great gay teacher.
Mr. Brackett, we won.
Howard?
- Howard. - Precious.
- Howard, what is he talking about? - I have no idea.
What?
Mom. Dad.
Is there something you wanna tell us?
Something about the wedding?
I'm not gay.
- Of course not. - No, no, no.
My son's not gay.
- No way. - No how.
- No dice. - Nowhere.
- No, sir. - But that boy on television...
I don't know what that was about. I am outraged.
- I may hire an attorney. I may sue. - That's right. That's right.
- That's a very good idea. - You think?
Get that Johnnie Cochran, not that woman.
Good idea. Now, we have to remember, he's been in Hollywood a long time,
and he may be under the influence of something.
- Or he may have joined a cult. - Oh, my Lord.
That little zombie.
His family was... Oh, I hate to say this.
But when they lived here, they were not active in the PTA.
He used to mow our lawn.
Never again.
Howard, we want you to know
you're our son and we'll always love you.
Gay, straight, red, green.
If you rob a bank, if you kill someone.
If you get drunk, climb a clock tower and take out the town.
As long as you get married.
I need that wedding.
I need some beauty, and some music, and some place cards before I die.
It's like heroin.
Do you hear me, Howard?
Emily, can we give you a lift?
Will you be all right?
Of course. I'm fine.
We're getting married.
I love you.
Good night.
Hello.
No, I'm not.
Oh, we're so late.
All right, let's go.
There he is. That's him. Guys.
- Hey. - Howard. Howard.
- Howard. - Howard.
- Care to comment? - Mr. Brackett.
Are you a spokesperson?
Do you have a boyfriend?
- I am getting married. I am not gay. - Do you know Ellen?
A teacher in trouble, a town under siege,
a journey to the heartland.
Peter Malloy. Stay tuned.
- Howard. - Howard.
Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?
I don't care. This is a classroom.
Class.
So where were we?
Romantic poetry. Shakespeare.
Talented, English, dead.
The sonnets.
Shall I compare thee To a summer's gay?
Thou art more lovely And more temperate.
Rough winds do shape The darling buds of May
And sum...
Okay.
Let's get it out into the open right now.
What's on your mind? What do you wanna know?
Is it true?
Of course not. I'm getting married in three days.
See? I knew it.
- Told you. - All right. Class, class.
But why did he say it on TV in front of the whole world?
Yeah. I mean, were you, like, incredibly embarrassed?
Did you just wanna stick a grenade in your mouth?
We... All right. Okay, that's... Class, class.
I don't know why he said it. I've been trying to figure that out,
but that is not why we're here today. We're here today...
- Mr. Brackett. Mr. Brackett. - Mike.
Well, I've been thinking about it all night.
Why would that guy say you were gay?
And I got it figured out. I got it.
- What have you got? - Look at you.
- I beg your pardon? - I mean, no offense,
- but you're an English teacher. - Exactly.
I mean, all this poetry and odes and bonnets.
"Sonnets?"
And you're kind of prissy.
- "Prissy"? - Well, not in a bad way.
- I mean, like, you're smart. - And well-dressed.
- And really clean. - It doesn't look good.
And plus, you got the drama club, and you ride that bicycle.
You've been engaged to Miss Montgomery for like three years.
- What does that have to...? - Think about it.
If you add it up, of course the guy thinks you're gay.
And plus,
he was in that movie.
So his brain is, like, already going that way,
and then he remembers you,
and he goes, "Smart, clean, totally decent human being... gay."
Yeah.
- Gays in the space program... - Lesbians on Mars?
- Do you have any comment... - Excuse me. Excuse me.
Mr. Brackett. Boys and girls.
- Mr. Halliwell. - Howard, could... Could I...
Class, excuse me.
The school is surrounded. There are TV cameras, reporters.
See? They want pictures of the gay guy.
I tried to reason with them.
I told them I was the principal and they...
- They mocked me. - I'm sorry.
Could you...? Could you talk to them?
Right away.
- Class, page 58. - Yes, learn... Learn all... All you can.
- Mr. Brackett. - Yes?
Watch the hands.
Good... Good point.
Howard, are you gay? Are you gay?
I'm sorry, I think that the jury is still out on this.
No way. He's been here for how many years?
Oh, come on. I always knew.
Well, I say bravo. It's a blow for freedom.
Good for Howard. To quote Mr. Bob Dylan,
"How many roads must a man walk down
"before we call him a man?"
- Ed, don't. It's early. - Knew what?
And how many seas Must the white dove sail
- Ed, please. - Before she sleeps...
- Shut up, Ed. - Trina.
We're talking about Howard.
Why are we talking about Howard?
Because he likes dick, Carl.
Good morning, everyone. How are you?
- Hey. - Hey. Terrific.
Fabulous. Is that Xerox still on the fritz?
- How are you, sunshine? - Oh, fine.
Oh, look at you.
Dick who?
He's getting married this week.
See? He's not gay. I told you.
- But think about it. I mean, gay guys. - I don't wanna think about it.
There's only two times where it's okay to do, like, gay stuff.
- Two, like, emergency situations. - What? Which situations?
- Prison, when it's like a substitute... - Right.
Or guys in space...
Guys in space?
Well, not on purpose. It just happens because they're weightless
and they float into each other when they're asleep.
You're so lame.
Well, I know it's wrong.
It's against, like, nature. It's basic plumbing.
- What? - It's the human body.
It's divided up into in-holes and out-holes.
And stuff is supposed to go in the in-holes and come out the out-holes.
But gay guys, they, like, put stuff in the out-holes.
Wait. So is your mouth like an in-hole?
Right. Because you put burgers in it and brew.
Unless you're sick and you puke, and then it's an out-hole. So it's wrong.
Guys, guys, come on. Hustle.
You're gonna be late for class. Let's go.
What's going on?
Mr. Brackett, could you, like, excuse us?
Why?
Mike's being a jerk.
No. Just until we're, like, dressed and ready.
This doesn't have anything to do with the Oscars
and Cameron Drake, does it?
- No. Come on. - Of course not.
Well, what is it, then?
Well, it's just, before the Oscars it was different.
I mean, you weren't...
I wasn't what?
Famous.
You guys.
Peter Malloy, network.
No, no, no. No more interviews. No.
I have nothing to say. I have no comments...
I... I have no thoughts on gay marriage, I did not see The Birdcage,
- and I'm trying to have my dinner. - Oh, of course. I'm sorry.
You should be. What are you sitting down for?
You people, you people... Have some decency.
You've been hounding me all day. At my school, at my home.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
I am, of those leeches.
They have no right to pry into your life. They're sleazy.
I don't know. I kind of like that Barbara Walters.
Did Barbara call you?
No.
Howard.
- No. - Oh, Howard.
- Leave me alone, you smut peddler. - Oh, Howard.
- You professional gossip with a tan. - Howard, will you get real?
- Look at me. - Why?
Well, sure, I look great, but my ratings...
Look, everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyer or Joan Lunden,
and my network's killing me.
- They want me blond. - With your coloring?
Look, all those reporters, after today, they're gone.
They've got their story.
But I care. I am doing a full week.
A week? No, you can't.
Oh, but I have to. It's too good.
No, no. I have classes to teach. I'm getting married.
- I'll be there. - No. I'll... I'll kill you.
But it's classic. Sex, a small town, and a movie star.
Why can't you see that?
"Howard Brackett: In and Out."
My God, you are pure television.
Stop it.
Good night.
Guys, remember...
- I got that one. - Thanks, Dean.
Don't say nothing about the Oscars or Cameron Drake. None of that.
I think he's coming.
He's here.
Yeah!
There you go.
Yeah, baby.
- Are we gonna have a bachelor party? - Yeah!
- Are we gonna get down and dirty? - Yeah!
Disgustingly puking gross?
We've been working on this for weeks, man,
and we got all your favorite stuff, everything you love.
- Hit me. - Oh, yeah.
What are we talking about here? Triple X, Little Oral Annie, Traci Lords?
Lay some adult video on me.
We got it. Uncut.
- Funny Girl. - Yeah!
- Funny Girl? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't believe this. Barbra Streisand?
You had that little film festival last year.
- You made us watch all her movies. - It was fun.
- It was great. I loved it. - Guys.
Guys, I'm truly offended. I...
Don't you see this is precisely the reason
why Cameron Drake and half the civilized world
think that I'm... You know.
- Oh, no. - No, no, no.
- You're a guy's guy. - No, no, no, that's not true.
Well, I don't know how this got started, but this is my god damn bachelor party
and I am not going to god damn watch...
Pardon my split infinitive... Funny Girl.
- Me neither. I hate that crap. - Thank you.
- You got A Star Is Born? - Oh, sure.
- A Star is Born? - She looks bad in Star is Born.
- Yentl. - Yentl.
- Yentl? - That's one of my favorites.
- I'd watch it again. - I love Yentl.
Yeah. "Papa, Can You Hear Me?"
- Oh, we've heard this argument... - Dudes, hombres, guys.
Guys, I'm sorry. I am... I am truly offended.
I thought I knew you guys. I thought you were studs.
I guess I thought wrong.
I'm out of here.
- Hey. - Howard.
Maybe he's right. Yentl sucks.
What did you say?
Yentl, it sucks. It's boring.
Say that again.
She was too old for Yentl.
Guess you heard the latest.
Michael Jackson getting married again. Yes, it is true.
And this time he's made the perfect choice, Howard Brackett.
Yes, Howard Brackett.
This is Peter Malloy with day two of
"Howard Brackett: Will There Be a Wedding?"
I'm standing with Aldo Hooper, Howard's barber.
Stylist. Razor cuts, color, full blow-dry.
That's very nice. So, Aldo, what do you think,
will there be a wedding?
Howard is booked for Saturday, a full styling. I say yes.
Emmett Wilson, who has just delivered Howard's mail,
his intimate correspondence, letters to alleged.
Anything we should know about?
I can't reveal that. I'm a postal employee.
Don't make him mad.
Of course Howard's getting married. He's a man of his word.
- Is this national? - You bet.
Please, use your full zip codes.
Greenleaf High, cradle of crisis.
Howard's seniors, youth in the crossfire.
Tell us in your own innocent, young words, is he gay?
Oh, no. No, he told us. It was all, like, this big, huge mistake.
It just happened because Mr. Brackett likes poetry
and Shakespeare and uses his napkin.
- Unlike some people. - What?
Teens in turmoil. And your message to America?
- Greenleaf rules! - Greenleaf rules! Yeah!
Kids on the edge, a community in chaos.
Indiana cries out. Howard, can you hear?
Howard.
You...? You got a minute?
Howard...
Your life, I mean, since...
Since the Oscars, I can... I can only imagine.
You know, it's over now. It's fine. It's just fine.
- It's all ancient history. - Howard, we...
We do have graduation coming up Monday,
and you kind of, you know, put us right... Right in the spotlight.
- I'm so sorry, Tom. This... - Howard, I'd be...
I'd be less than honest if I didn't tell you
that I've gotten some calls from...
From parents wondering if, in fact, you...
You were a ho... Ho... Ho...
- Ho... - Homeroom teacher?
Homo-Ho... Homosexual.
Tom, do I look like a homosexual?
Would you walk for me?
Excuse me.
- Howard? - Yes?
Do you...? Do you enjoy teaching?
No, I don't enjoy it.
You...? You don't?
No, I love it. It's my life.
Then you'd...? You'd miss it?
Are...? Are you threatening me?
No. No. I'm... I'm your friend.
Friends... Friends don't threaten.
No, they don't.
Friends warn.
And you...
You... You are... You are getting married, aren't you?
But are you saying that if I weren't getting married,
I'd be fired?
- But that's not an issue, is it? - No.
Best wishes.
- Hi. - Bless you, my son.
Thank you.
Would you like to tell me your sins?
Yes. Yes.
First of all, I'm... I'm not Catholic.
Then why are you here?
I have a friend who's Catholic and he's very busy.
Well, aren't you helpful?
Well, what are his, you know, sins? Your friend's.
He's a... He's a plumber and he's... He's about to be married.
He's been engaged for three years.
Well, caution is a virtue.
Yeah, but, see, everyone's...
Everyone's saying something about him, something that isn't true.
I mean, it's not a bad thing, but he... He isn't that thing.
Which thing?
Which thing are people saying about him?
That...
- He's... That he's... That he's gay. - That he's what?
That he's gay.
- Oh, my. - Yeah.
Oh, my, my, my.
Well, that's rather like that fellow on the Oscars.
That... That Howard Brackett from over at Greenleaf.
Yeah, but it's not him. This is a different guy.
- And what is it he wants to know? - He wants to know what he should do.
What is the right thing? He needs to know...
His mother's planning this huge wedding with the...
With the whole town, and it's her whole life.
It's gonna be beautiful, but he... He li...
He doesn't wanna leave this town.
And he has this wonderful fiancée who's sweet and thin,
and he just has never had a physical relationship with her.
Never? In three years?
- He respects her. - He's gay.
- No, he's not. - Yes, he is.
No, he can't... No.
Well, then he must go to her.
He's got to find out.
He must be, you know...
Be with her.
Really?
Before the wedding?
Godspeed, my son.
Now, let's do Michael.
Emily? Emily.
- Howard. - Emily.
Howard.
Howard. Howard.
We're getting married. We are.
- We are getting married. - Of course we're getting...
I'm glad we're getting married, Howard.
Oh, okay.
- Howard. - Yeah. Who's gay, huh?
Howard.
That's right.
Howard, what is all this?
I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure.
I... Could you turn him off?
- Howard, Howard. - I can't.
Howard, I love you. I'm not worried.
- You don't understand. - Of course I do.
Look at your life. The Oscars, the press.
It's no wonder you're going crazy.
But it doesn't matter.
- Why not? - Because I love you,
and we're getting married.
You still want that, Howard, don't you?
That's why I transformed myself, isn't it?
Do you want me to start eating again?
- No. - I can, Howard. I'm very fragile.
I love you.
Oh, my God. Howard.
Howard. You okay?
No. No, I'm not okay.
I've never been so not okay in my life.
I tried to stop. I...
One week ago, I was fine. I was... I was perfect.
I want my life back!
Well, that is not going to happen, Howard.
- Your life has changed. - But why?
Why is this happening?
I haven't changed. One little word and everybody changes.
I'm still the same person. Why...? Why doesn't anyone believe me?
Well, this town is crazy about you. I've talked to everyone.
Stop. That's it. That's the problem. It's you.
You're trying to turn me into a story, into something juicy for your show.
Well, I am not a sound bite.
I'm tr... I'm... Look, I'm...
I am hurting the people I care about.
My students, my family, Emily. I love Emily.
Well, then think about what you're doing to her.
Oh, will you...? It's like... You're like talking to... I...
Why am I talking to you?
You couldn't possibly understand what this is like.
Howard, I'm gay.
- You're what? - I'm gay. I came out.
- To whom? - Who? To everyone.
My folks, my boss, my dog.
Yeah, one day, I just snapped.
I just got tired of switching pronouns and remembering to lower my voice,
and I couldn't take lying to the people that I love.
- Does that sound familiar? - No.
So I just said, "Mom, Dad, Sparky, I'm gay."
What happened?
Well, my mom cried for exactly ten seconds.
My boss said, "Who cares?" And my dad said, "But you're so tall."
Howard, everyone surprised me, once I let them, once I trusted them.
You know, sometimes the worst thing you think can happen
turns out to be the best thing.
- For you. - For anyone.
Yes, but I am not gay!
What was Streisand's eighth album?
- Color Me Barbra. - Stud.
Everyone knows that.
Everyone where? The little gay bar on the prairie?
- You know what you need? - Yeah, I need a wedding. I need...
You... You...
- You kissed me. - You noticed.
You... You... This is not Los Angeles.
What, people don't kiss in Greenleaf?
Not at an intersection!
Oh, stop. Oh, hello, sweetheart.
Mom. Dad. Hi.
Look, it's the cake.
- Yes. Well... - Everything okay there?
Oh, yeah, fine. We... This is my Peter... Friend, Peter.
We just ran into each other here at the intersexual... Homosection...
Intersection. I gotta go.
- It's that fella from TV. - Thank you.
If you're Howard's buddy, I do hope you'll be coming to the wedding.
The wedding.
That's right. Sunday morning, 9 a.m.
I gotta go. I have to prepare myself. It's formal, you know?
Okay. Okay.
Welcome to our series on exploring your masculinity.
This is audio tape number one,
"Getting a grip."
Are you dressed in suitably masculine attire?
- Very. - Are you in control?
- Yes. - Are you ready to take charge?
Are you a man?
Yes.
Stand up.
Stand straight and tall.
Excuse me, are we a little teapot?
Untuck your shirt.
Just one side.
You hate this, don't you?
Well, look at it.
You want to be neat.
You want to be tidy.
Adjust yourself.
Not there.
The package, sissy man.
The family jewels.
Grab them.
- You're in a bar room. - Okay.
Repeat after me.
- Yo. - Yo.
- Hot damn. - Hot damn.
What a fabulous window treatment.
- What a fabulous win... - That was a trick.
Damn.
We have come to the most critical area of masculine behavior.
- What? - Dancing.
Yes.
Truly, manly men do not dance.
Oh, come on.
Under any circumstances.
This will be your ultimate test.
At all costs, avoid rhythm, grace and pleasure.
Whatever you do, do not dance.
I won't.
- Can you hear it? - Yes.
Can you hear the demon?
"Dance, " the demon whispers.
Everyone else is dancing.
They're getting down.
They're getting funky now.
- They're having fun. Not you. - No.
Catch the fever.
Feel the heat of the disco beat.
It's calling to you.
Do not listen. Men do not dance.
They work, they drink, they have bad backs.
They do not dance.
Hold still. Hold tight. Whatever you do, do not dance.
What are you doing?
Stop dancing, you big ballerina.
Stop waving those hands.
Aren't you listening, you pantywaist?
Stop it. Stop shaking that booty.
Be a man.
Kick someone. Punch someone.
Bite someone's ear.
Stop it. Get a grip.
Think about John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold doesn't dance. He can barely walk.
Stop it. Stop it.
Just stop dancing.
So how did you do, pussy boy?
Oh, is it all right? Is my veil crooked?
Oh, it's perfect.
You're everything I've ever dreamed of for a wedding and more.
- Do you have an attorney? - Hush.
You're radiant, dear.
I just can't believe it. It's really happening.
My life, after all those years, it's starting.
My mom says it won't last.
Your mom's an alcoholic.
That's terrible. It's terrible.
- Son, do you need some help there? - No, I'm fine.
It's just that the dry cleaners left a shine on my trousers,
and my right lapel is slightly bent,
and the laundry did not use enough starch in my shirt front.
I mean, where are we, the Ukraine?
How can I get married if I look like a hobo?
Howard.
I'm coming, Dad. I'm coming. One minute.
Just wait.
She said at the church at 4.
Oh, look, there he is.
Well, he's so nice.
What a joyous morning.
What a perfect day.
What a gloriously splendid occasion.
Dearly, dearly beloved, we are gathered here
to join this wonderful couple in the state of holiest matrimony
before the eyes of God.
Before we begin the vows,
is there anyone present who knows of a reason
why this couple should not be joined in holy wedlock?
Very good.
Because let us remember, a marriage is truly a blessed event.
It must be a union based on deepest love, total kinship,
and absolute honesty.
Let us begin.
Do you, Emily, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband
to have and to hold till death do you part?
I do.
And do you, Howard, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife
to have and to hold till death do you part?
I'm gay.
Pardon?
I'm...
- I'm gay. - You're what?
He's gay.
I heard him.
Everyone, everyone, what Howard meant to say was
he's having a wonderful day.
Mom.
Dad.
I'm gay.
Seventy-five pounds.
I lost 75 pounds.
I'm a horrible person, and you have every right to hate me.
You should hate me. I want you to hate me.
I insist that you hate me.
I'm... I'm scum, I'm garbage, I'm vermin, and... And I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
After I... I wait for you for...
No.
No, not just three years.
My entire life!
After I plan my future around our wedding,
after I base my entire concept of self-esteem
on the fact that you're willing to marry me,
and you're sorry?
I'm sorry.
Thank God my parents are dead. This would've killed them.
Are you...? Are you...?
Are you really gay?
Was there
any other time you might've told me this?
I'm wearing a wedding dress which you picked out!
I... I... I highlighted my hair because you said I needed shimmer.
I loved you and believed you and...
And pretended not to notice the Streisand thing.
I thought you were just creative.
I thought you were just smarter than me
and more sensitive and more interesting.
I thought you were the most wonderful man who ever lived.
I thought you could just change my life and show me the whole world
and teach me about art and life and magic.
And I thought you could make me feel like a beautiful woman
instead of the girl nobody wanted.
Oh, no.
Emily.
But... But...
Emily. Emily.
Does anybody here know how many times I've had to watch Funny Lady?
It was a sequel. She was under contract.
Fuck Barbra Streisand!
And you!
Emily.
Emily. Emily.
Howard. You did it.
I'm so proud of you. Congratulations.
Congr...? Congratulation...? I just destroyed Emily's life.
I killed her.
You saved her life.
Oh, God. I don't believe it.
I...
I just came out at my wedding.
In front of everybody.
My family, my friends, my mom, my da...
Look at my hand.
It was fantastic.
It was a nightmare.
I ju... I ju... I ju... I just demolished my mother's dream wedding.
I'm... I'm a... I'm a monster. I'm... I'm a lunatic.
You're a hero, and I've got great footage.
I got the whole thing.
Oh, is that what this is all about? Footage?
Here, I'll give you your headline.
Howard Brackett is a big homo, queer, mary, sissy man.
He just came out at his big church wedding.
Martha Stewart is furious.
- There, is that what you want? - That was great stuff.
No, tell him I really appreciate the offer,
but I just don't think I'm right for it.
This is Peter Malloy for Inside Entertainment.
I'm standing in front of Greenleaf's First Methodist Church,
where Howard Brackett has boldly declared, "I don't."
- Cam, come look at this. - After a week of stress and pressure,
Brackett, outed by Cameron Drake at the Oscars,
today, to the amazement of family and friends,
outed himself at his own wedding.
You can imagine the fireworks.
He's been besieged by the media, his job may be in jeopardy,
and as for his fiancée,
fellow English teacher Emily Montgomery, well, who knows?
Miss Montgomery?
But the real question is, where is Cameron Drake?
This is Peter Malloy for Inside Entertainment.
We gotta get out of here.
- Cam? - We gotta go.
Go where?
Greenleaf, because of what I said.
I gotta see what's going on. I gotta do something.
But I promised Isaac I'd do his show.
The new collection is this afternoon. I have to shower and vomit.
Man. At his wedding.
Yeah, poor Miss Montgomery.
So I guess Mr. Brackett's really like that Cameron guy said.
And you, like, hung out with him.
He drove you to that college interview.
Didn't you, like, stay over somewhere?
But nothing happened.
I mean, I don't even know the guy. Not anymore.
Excuse me. You don't know the guy?
He only got you into college.
I mean, just last week he was only, like, your total hero.
That was last week.
Guys, we had a gay teacher all year.
We have to face that and move on with our lives.
What are you talking about?
Kids, how was the wedding?
Fine.
You know, I can understand about Howard being gay,
but I will never ever understand as long as I live, as God is my witness,
how could he not want a wedding?
Oh, sweetie, it's not your fault.
You have two boys.
You fed them the same, you raised them the same,
and you loved them the same. And one of them is gay.
- And the other one is... - Walter.
Howard was just being honest,
clearing the air before he made a real mess.
What's wrong with that?
What are we all so afraid of?
What do we think will happen if we all just spill the beans?
I don't know.
All right, I'll start.
My Rice Krispie treats that I made for the reception,
they're not my recipe.
It's Harriet Carter's.
After she died from that massive embolism,
a lie was born.
These are a dead-woman's treats.
Oh, my.
All right, I'll say it right out loud.
I hated The Bridges of Madison County.
My husband has three testicles.
Bob?
It's disgusting.
Oh, I love this.
Howard?
So...
Are you still gay?
Yep.
Are you gonna have an operation?
Excuse me?
Will you be going into show business?
Absolutely. Vegas.
I'm making an effort here.
I know, Dad.
I'm a farmer.
Your mother asked me to come here. She's worried about you.
She's afraid you're not eating.
She sent you this.
- What is it? - Wedding cake.
She's diabolical.
She's insane.
Will we be seeing you at the graduation tomorrow?
I got a call right after the wedding. Or after there was no wedding.
They fired me.
You taught those kids.
If you're not there, what are they gonna think?
I don't know.
That Barbra Streisand, did she do something to you?
Dad.
Thank you.
Cam.
Cameron, where are we?
I told you, it's a motel.
Cameron, you don't seem to realize.
I am a supermodel. I am Sonya.
And I'm in a motel in Greenblatt?
Greenleaf. This is where I grew up.
I don't care.
Sonya, we're here to help someone.
For once, we're gonna think about something besides our careers
and our hair.
We're gonna help Mr. Brackett, if I can find him.
Cam. Cam.
Cameron, where are you going?
Cam.
You can't just leave me here.
There's a diner down the block. Go eat something, I'm begging you.
You look like a swizzle stick. It's unhealthy.
Food?
Cameron, I'm warning you, I'm calling my agency.
Cam.
Well, can I get a drink?
What kind?
Let's see. What kind?
Is vodka okay?
That's right. Straight-up.
And some peanuts. Lots of them.
I don't care about anything anymore.
What else have you got back there?
I just wanna eat.
I just wanna gorge.
Hey, thanks.
You're from TV.
- Guilty. - You're that guy.
What are you doing here?
Well, I am getting drunk.
I had a bad day. A very, very bad day.
- Excuse me? - You win.
I hate men.
Am I so repulsive that no man would want me?
No.
You're very attractive.
Howard didn't think so.
Howard didn't want me.
Listen to me.
Now, this is Howard's problem, not yours.
And he should've told you, years ago.
Okay?
I love you.
You're nice.
I'm not nice. I'm a hack.
I'm show-business garbage.
Will you sleep with me?
What?
- Three years. - Oh, my God.
Three years of sunsets and long talks
- and loving supportive friendship. - Oh, my God.
This is my wedding night.
I'm there, I'm ready. This is a medical condition.
Gee, thank you, but I can't.
Are you married? Are you seeing someone?
- No, I... - I don't care.
- Well, no, I... - You're a man. I'm a woman.
I'm gay.
Is everybody gay?
Is this The Twilight Zone?
Oh, hey.
Oh, hi. Hi.
Will you marry me?
I have the dress, I have the plane tickets.
I'm packed.
Stop.
Stop, please.
Stop. You have to stop. It's an emergency.
I need a heterosexual, Code Red.
Miss, are you okay?
Do you need help?
No, no, no. I'm just beyond help.
I'm just a grinch.
I'm a jinx.
Miss...? Miss Montgomery?
Cameron?
Oh, my God.
Cameron?
What happened to you?
Well... Well, everything.
Well, you won the Oscar and you said Howard was gay,
and I didn't believe you, and I had no self-esteem...
No, no, I mean your...
Your body. What happened?
Well, what happened? Well, I was fat.
And I... And I swore I'd become someone else tonight.
I did, and now I'm more miserable than ever.
And I'm a mess, and I'm starving.
But why?
Why did you wanna change?
You... You were so beautiful.
I was?
I mean, you still are. You always were.
It's just skinny girls can be so annoying sometimes.
Oh, I mean, but you're not.
You're just like I remember you from after school.
You remember?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
How camest thou hither,
tell me, and wherefore?
With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love in.
"Out."
Cannot hold love out.
I can't, you're a student.
Not anymore.
I've seen all your movies.
Both of them?
Kim, Dan, wait up.
Let's go, it's starting.
Is my cap on straight?
Hey, Jack.
Hey, Mr. Brackett.
Big day.
Yeah. Yeah, I can't believe it.
Congratulations.
- Yeah, thanks. - Jack. Come on, we're late.
Good luck next year.
You too.
Indiana State is lucky to have you.
Hail to thee O Greenleaf High
'Neath the Indiana sky
Through thy halls We spent our youth
Seeking knowledge, learning truth
Like a friend who walks beside us
Greenleaf High will always guide us
We will love thee till we die
Hail to thee O Greenleaf High
That song always reminds me of our...
Our school motto.
Studare, Imapre, partire.
"Study, learn, leave."
Now, before we begin handing out diplomas,
I have an announcement to make.
We've...
Well, we've...
We've had quite a year, haven't we?
But let's begin our ceremony on a high note.
We're awfully proud, of course, of our Oscar-winning graduate,
but, today we have a...
Another winner, if you will.
That's right, our teacher of the year.
And what do they say? "May I have the envelope, please?"
The winner is...
I always get so nervous here.
Can you hear my heart beating?
Seriously, though, ladies and gentlemen,
our brand-new teacher of the year,
Edward Kenrow.
No.
This is such a surprise.
- Ed, Ed, over here. - Thank you, Tom.
Hoosiers. What is the definition of a Hoosier?
- Well, in the early part of the... - Mr. Kenrow?
- Excuse me? - Mr. Kenrow.
Yes, I'm a recent Greenleaf graduate.
Oh, my God, it's Cameron Drake.
It's Cameron.
Guys, please, please.
People, can we have a little respect here?
We have our teacher... Our teacher of the year.
Guys, please, please.
Man, I am...
I'm really sorry to interrupt. It's graduation and everything.
I was looking for Mr. Brackett.
Hey, Mr. Brackett.
Cameron.
Mr. Brackett, weren't you up for this teacher-of-the-year thing?
No. Withdrawn.
Tom.
Ineligible.
Mr. Brackett is... He's no longer...
No longer an emplo... An employee here.
What?
Why? What happened?
He resigned. Sadly.
It's fine, Cameron. It's all over and done with.
Today belongs to the students.
Yes, this is for the kids, for the youngsters.
They canned him?
Wait, is this about the Oscars and the gay thing?
No.
- No. No, no, no. - No.
Then what is it?
Well, we felt... The community felt that... That it was...
It was a question of... Of influence.
I'm sorry. I'm a little slow.
I was a C student, and now I'm an actor, so...
Influence?
Well, you know, I mean, it's all right to be this way or that way at home,
you know, in your... In your private area... Arena.
But... But Mr. Brackett, after all, is... Was a teacher.
Oh, I see, I see. So you're thinking about the students?
Yes. Yes, that's... That's what... That's what this is all about.
Oh, okay, so... All right, so stay with me here, then.
So, what you're saying then is since Mr. Brackett's gay
that he's gonna like send out some kind of voodoo vibes
or gay microwaves and make everybody else gay?
Well, in the... In a... In a crude... Crude manner of speaking.
Well, seniors, you've all had Mr. Brackett.
Is that the way it works?
- Kids, you don't have to answer that. - Really, this is not the time
- and place to discuss that. - It's a completely inappropriate forum.
- Cameron. - This is still a graduation ceremony.
May I please finish my acceptance speech?
Hoosiers. What is the definition of a Hoosier?
- Well, way back in... - Excuse me, I'm gay.
Who said that?
Jack.
I had Mr. Brackett for senior English.
He taught me Shakespeare.
Well, he was my track coach, and he also helped me get into college.
I just realized that what Mr. Halliwell said is right.
It must've rubbed off.
I'm gay.
You see? This is exactly my point. A young life corrupted.
Thank you. Very brave.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Young lady? - It's happening.
I had Mr. Brackett all year and... Oh, my God, I'm gay.
Excuse me?
If there's something wrong with Mr. Brackett or Jack,
then there's something wrong with me.
- I'm gay. - So am I.
- Oh, she is not. - You're not.
I know you're not. You're a tramp.
- Mike. Michael. - Oh, man.
Stirgo.
All right. I'm gay. I'm a homo. I like guys.
I mean, I still do it with chicks every chance I get,
and I'm totally good at it,
but I hate it and I'm gay.
Kids, kids, kids, please, please, sit down.
We're here to graduate.
I'm sure Mr. Brackett is gratified by your display.
Compassion is a wonderful quality, however misguided.
But as Howard very well knows, the decision is not yours.
It is a gonad thing.
A... A grown-up thing.
I have to answer to the community,
and as far as the community is concerned
toward Howard Brackett, they have said, "No, no, no."
Now, please, sit down and let's pass out some diplomas.
Well, I'm a...
I'm a member of the community, and I don't mind that Howard's gay.
But you're his brother.
As... As you... As you know.
So you know what that means.
I must be gay.
But... But... But you're not a parent, are you?
Excuse me, I'm a parent.
I've lived in this town all my life.
I'm Howard's father.
And I'm gay.
I'm Howard's mother, and I'm very proud of him.
And I'm... I'm a lesbian.
Excuse me.
Hi. I run the Bridal Barn for Better Brides,
and I can tell you Howard has perfect taste.
So do I. So I'm gay.
I'm Howard's stylist, and I'm gay.
And I'm bald.
I deliver Howard's mail and everybody else's.
I'm a federal employee, and I'm gay.
Fire Chief Fred Mooney, and the volunteer fire brigade.
Howard has always been ready to lend a hand.
Gay!
- I'm gay. - I'm gay.
- I'm gay! - I'm gay!
- I'm gay. - I'm gay.
I'm gay!
- I'm gay. - I'm gay.
But he's not the teacher of the year.
I am, and this belongs to me.
Well, maybe Mr. Brackett deserves something else.
Thank you.
- You ready? - Nearly.
Very snappy. Nervous?
No. Why should I be nervous?
It's just a wedding. I just want everything to be perfect.
It will be.
Is your cameraman here?
No. Not today. I'm not filming this.
There are some things more important than showbiz.
Really? Like what?
I don't know. But didn't that sound good?
Guys, we're starting.
Preacher's waiting.
What a truly special occasion.
What a joyous ceremony.
What an unusual couple.
Berniece, after 42 years,
do you still take Frank to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
And do you, Frank, take Berniece to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I'd better.
I now pronounce your vows renewed for another 42 years.
You may kiss the bride.