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翻译：
鑫鑫美少女
翻译：
雪初 五个十八
你当年在皇后区长大的时候 When you were growing up in Queens,
有想过有一天你会成为 did you ever think that you'd be the bartender
校对：
鑫鑫美少女
“发生了什么”现场秀的酒保吗? on Watch What Happens Live?
拜托 随便一个来这儿的基佬 Oh please. Any gay guy who can get themselves
时间轴：
一米
都有机会演的 to the studio is gonna get a turn.
特效：
一米
别这么丧 这可是大事件 No, come on, it's a big deal.
压制：
冰岛
我可为你高兴了 I'm excited for you.
监制：
鑫鑫美少女
嗨 比利 是吗? Hey, Billy, right?
嗨 安迪 最近怎样啊? Hey, Andy, how are you?
我真的特别感谢您 Thank you so much for this,
这个机会太棒了 this is so awesome.
我是朱莉 给《比弗利娇妻》写梗概 I'm Julie, I write Housewives recaps.
我当然知道你是谁 I know exactly who you are.
听着 我们的第二位客人 Listen, our second guest,
现在特别有名的那位 the one who's legitimately famous,
发现你们俩在这儿 found out that you were here
她要求你们滚 and asked that you leave.
事实上呢 Actually, it was more
这是个要么他死 要么我亡的状况 of a him or me kind of situation.
- 我们俩半斤八两吧 - 你在逗我吗? - But six of one-- - Are you kidding?
- 并没有 - 是谁说的? - No. - Who is it?
- 切尔西·韩德勒 - 她为啥这么讨厌你? - Chelsea Handler. - Why does she hate you?
我母鸡啊 可能是因为我前几天发的推特吧 I don't know, I think I tweeted the other day
我说 哪个使我更不想看到的 something like what would I rather see less,
是切尔西·韩德勒的乳头 Chelsea Handler's nipples
还是她在Netflix台的脱口秀 or her Netflix talk show.
我开个玩笑而已嘛! It's a joke!
我好像在《以前的以前》（Chelsea Handler主演的情景喜剧）首次公演前 I think I used to make fun of After Lately
也嘲笑过它 when it premiered.
啥时候的事儿 2011年吗? When was that, like 2011?
就跟《比弗利娇妻》在比弗利山庄重聚时 The same year you called me
你在Gucci叫我磨牙的猴子 an organ grinding monkey in Gucci
是同一年 at The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion.
我那天穿的是拉夫·劳伦（美国著名服装品牌，主打polo衫） Yeah, it was Ralph Lauren,
感觉自己可帅了 and I felt pretty that day.
所以让我来代替比利 So I guess me subbing in for Billy
也是不可能的咯? is out of the question?
没门儿 Not gonna happen.
事实上呢 我们非常希望 And, actually, we would love it
你们现在就能离开 if you could leave now because
因为我可不想让你们在走廊和她撞个满怀 I don't want you running into her in the hallway.
那酒保谁来演啊？ What are you gonna do for a bartender?
找个机器人呗 Uh, we'll get a robot.
难 搞
之 人
第一季 第三集
你回来的很早啊 You're back early.
我被Bravo电视台禁演了 I was banned from Bravo.
恭喜 Congratulations.
都是切尔西·韩德勒的错 It's Chelsea Handler's fault.
不是 也有我的错 No, it's my fault too.
我不能再对名人这么尖酸刻薄了 I need to stop being mean to celebrities.
每次我讲明星坏话 Every time I talk shit about a famous person
都有可能丢掉一个演出机会 I lose a potential gig.
讲明星坏话不就是 Talking shit about celebrities
我们要做的事儿吗？ is what we do, okay?
这是比呼吸更能让我们感受到真实的 It's the only thing that comes more naturally
唯一一件事情 to us than breathing air.
我懂 但是也许我是时候搞一个佩雷斯·希尔顿了（一个以闲谈为主题的博客） I know, but maybe it's time to pull a Perez Hilton.
拿着速度计和小孩儿在浴缸里摆拍吗? Pose in a Speedo with a baby in the bathtub?
不是 我是说不要再对明星这么嘴欠了 No, I mean stop being mean to celebrities.
就因为开始遭报应了吗? Just as it's starting to pay off?
切尔西·韩德勒现在已经认识你了 Chelsea Handler knows who you are now.
那利用你们的积怨让你的明星之路步步上升 Maybe it's just a question
可能也只是时间问题 of picking your feuds as your star rises.
我好饿啊 你饿吗? I'm hungry. Are you hungry?
亚瑟 做晚饭了吗? Arthur, is there dinner?
没做 对不起 小面条儿 No, I'm sorry, noodles.
我回到家的时候都精疲力尽了 I was just far too spent when I got home.
你想吃披萨吗? Would you like pizza?
- 也行吧 - 亚瑟 你还好吧? - I guess. - Arthur, are you okay?
没事儿 谢啦 比利 Oh, yes, thank you, Billy.
很抱歉你进门的时候 And I'm sorry I didn't get up
我没起身迎接你 to greet you when you came in.
PBS这周有个筹款大会 It's just pledge drive week at PBS
比去年还他妈疯狂 and it is even crazier than last year--
天哪 我收到邀请 在趴体结束后 Oh, my God, I just got invited
去参加市政厅的《辛普森一家》现场录制 to The Simpsons Live At Town Hall after party.
哦 我没收到邀请 Oh, I didn't get that invitation.
可能是因为我对谁都很刻薄吧 Probably because I'm mean to everyone.
我敢打赌 我一定在Instagram上 I bet I said something provocative
说过挑衅雅德丽·史密斯的坏话（曾出演《辛普森一家》） about Yeardley Smith on Instagram at some point.
是“雅德丽”还是“叶德丽”啊? Is it "Yardly" Or "Yeardly"?
我也不知道 I don't know.
邀请不要太多余好吗 And an invitation will always be redundant
因为你肯定要陪我去呀 because you will always be my plus one.
谢谢你 Well, thank you.
那我是啥 三明治里的小薄肉片儿吗? What am I, flaked sandwich meat?
至于你说的 And as far as the whole
要对明星友善一点儿的事儿呢 being nice to celebrities thing,
我完全不赞同 I'm not in favor of it,
很大原因是因为克莉茜·腾根（人气外套模特，有泰国和挪威血统） particularly because Chrissy Teigen
刚刚参加了希腊小姐的选美 just weighed in on the Greek elections.
好吧 她还没有娜娅·里维拉（演员兼歌手，曾出演《欢乐合唱团》） Oh, well, she doesn't have quite
那样精明的政治头脑 the shrewd political mind of a Naya Rivera.
不行 我不能再对别人这么嘴欠了 No, I don't wanna be mean anymore.
我靠! God dammit!
不管你想做什么 Whatever you wanna do,
我都会支持你的 I will support you either way.
我们明晚有个很好的演出机会 Well, we have that bingo gig tomorrow night.
你觉得我们能做到不那么嘴欠吗? You think we can do it without going full mean?
如果你不嘴欠 我自然也不会 If you're nice, I'll be nice too.
作为要送您的礼物 And as our gift to you,
我们将送您这个特别棒的小包包 we'll provide you with this wonderful swag.
还有古典嘟哇音乐专辑喔 We've got classic doo-wop.
天哪 查德·阿罗在筹款上 Oh, God, Chad Arrow is so arrogant
简直无人能敌啊 about making the most pledge money.
胜率现在对他很有利 I mean, the odds are in his favor,
他送嘟哇音乐专辑的时机简直是刚刚好 he's in prime time giving away doo-wop CDs.
PBS的观众就喜欢嘟哇音乐 PBS viewers love doo-wop.
对他们来说这就像猫薄荷一样 It's like catnip to PBS viewers.
我要睡啦 晚安 I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
晚安 亚瑟 Goodnight, Arthur.
一份额外的奖金将要发放给 An unexpected bonus might be
坐在这儿的克莱尔小姐 to speak with Claire here.
克莱尔 你能笑一笑吗? Claire, could you smile?
把电视关上 Turn that off.
今晚 易装 皇后 狂欢
啤酒随取随饮
- 真是太可怕了 - 我懂 - That was awful. - I know.
我讨厌轰炸 I hate bombing.
我们好好考虑一下 Let's take this into consideration.
我们确实在宾果狂欢夜上 We did sub in for a drag queen
替补了一个易装皇后（男扮女装的男同）和受辱的喜剧演员 and an insult comic on bingo night.
- 啥意思? - 我是说 - So what does that mean? - I'm just saying
可能这并不是我们首次表演 maybe this wasn't the best time
娜奥米·沃茨（英国女星）有多善良 to debut our new material
这个新作品的最好时机 about how nice Naomi Watts seems.
我觉得就是此时此地啊 I think it's the venue.
我们应该再给美好的东西 I think we need to give the nice thing
- 一次机会 - 好好好 - one more chance. - Fine.
打扰了 很抱歉 Excuse me, I'm so sorry,
我觉得你们可能掉东西了 I think you dropped something.
这是啥?哇 What is it? Wow.
嗜酒者互诫协会的30天徽章 A 30 day chip from AA.
看看你呀 Look at that.
你他妈对我朋友干嘛呢? What the hell are you doing to my friend?
我要叫警察咯 I'm gonna call the cops.
抱歉 抱歉 我 Sorry, sorry, I'm, uh,
我是阿布拉·卡多格拉 I'm Abra Cadouglas.
一个在戒酒的酒鬼兼魔术师 Grateful recovery alcoholic and magician.
你口袋里是什么 先生? What's that in your pocket, sir?
- 啥? - 看看你的口袋里 - What? - Check your pocket.
啥? What?
- 阿布拉·卡多格拉 - 阿布拉·卡多格拉 是的 - Abra Cadouglas. - Abra Cadouglas, yes.
威廉斯堡总理的清醒的魔术师 Williamsburg's premier sober magician.
不止一个吗？ There's more than one?
她每周二晚上来这儿 She's here every Tuesday night.
表演一些这种 魔术 She does this, uh, magic show
以她的康复为主题 that's themed around her recovery.
我可喜欢你了 I freakin' love you.
太谢谢你了 谢谢 Oh, thank you so much, thank you.
魔术是一种 Magic is an illusion
用很多细节拼接成的幻觉 made up of many steps.
清醒只占12% Sobriety takes just 12.
首先 我们得承认 First, we admitted that our lives
生活已经变得无法操纵 had become unmanageable.
这是算疯狂呢还是成功了呢? Is this crazy or is this good?
有一次我特别想喝酒 Once I was so desperate for alcohol
我就去商店偷了一罐发胶 that I shoplifted a can of hairspray
喝掉了 and I drank it.
三天后 我在船上醒来 Woke up three days later
身边是比尔·普尔曼（《独立日》中饰演总统） on a boat with Bill Pullman.
现在够疯狂了 Now that's crazy.
我叫阿布拉·卡多格拉 Abra Cadouglas is my name,
我得离开这个酒吧了 and I have to get out of the bar.
就是这样 So that's gonna happen.
- 晚安 - 拜拜 - Goodnight. - Bye.
她总是有让我笑到肚子痛的本事 Makes me laugh so much.
上周她见到了她的半资助人 Last week she sawed her sponsor in half.
我并不惊讶 That does not surprise me.
我是比利 I'm Billy, by the way.
- 嗨 我是弗雷德 - 嗨 弗雷德 - Hey, I'm Fred. - Hey, Fred.
你刚刚没看到 Uh, you didn't happen to see
我们的表演吧? our show just now, did you?
没有 没有 我 Oh, no, no, I-- you know,
我通常也会来这儿 I usually try to make it
参加宾果狂欢夜 here for the bingo as well,
不过我今晚得上夜班 but I had to work late tonight.
这真是再好不过了 That is more than okay.
你也是演员嘛? Are you in show business also?
不 当然不是 我是个牙医 No, God no, I'm a dentist.
牙医? 哇 真是让人耳目一新啊 Dentist? Wow, that's refreshing.
- 你还单身吗? - 时刻准备着 - Are you single? - Rested and ready.
如果是这样的话 我就得失陪一会儿了 If that's the case, I shall be excusing myself.
比廉 玩的愉快 Billiam, have a beautiful night.
很高兴认识你 Nice meeting you.
我能请你喝杯啤酒吗? I can, um, get you another beer?
我他妈喝多了会干死你的 当然可以 I'm gonna fuck you, yeah.
- 哇 好吧 - 开玩笑啦 - Wow, okay. - I'm just kidding.
明晚要不要一起看节目? Wanna see a show tomorrow night?
可以呀 Yeah, great.
剪辑室
音乐 美食 美酒
天哪 God,
我觉得 每隔五分钟就要检查一个口腔 I just think it would be so disgusting
实在太恶心了 to look inside a mouth every five minutes.
其实一般来说恶心的地方 Well, I mean, you know, when it's gross,
都是舌头 it's usually more about the tongue
不是牙齿 than it is the teeth.
太恶心了 That… that is just disgusting.
舌头长得很奇怪 藏污纳垢 Tongues are weird, they're scaly.
- 别说了 - 等会儿再说吧 - No. - Later.
天哪 那是马克·赛门 Oh, my God, there's Marc Shaiman.
谁? 那是谁? What? Who's that?
他和马丁·肖特一起写了 He co-wrote Hairspray, and, uh, Smash,
《发胶》和《名声大噪》的剧本 and for Martin Short.
我就喜欢你什么都懂的样子 I love that you know all this stuff.
在我眼里他就是个门牙漏风的傻小伙子 I just see a guy with gaps in his incisors.
- 是这样的 - 嗯 - Well, there's that. - Yeah.
比利 你觉得 So, Billy, what do you think
在娱乐圈里 is like the greatest injustice
最不公平的事是什么? in show business?
哇哦 问题很犀利啊 Wow, good question.
我觉得最不公平的事 I think the greatest injustice
得算是马丁·肖特 is probably that Martin Short
没有EGOT了吧 doesn't have an EGOT.
你知道EGOT是什么吗? You know what the EGOT is?
就是一个人同时手握艾美奖 格莱美奖 It's someone who has an Emmy, Grammy,
奥斯卡奖和托尼奖 Oscar, and Tony.
最不公平的第二名呢 And I think all my second place grievances
我要颁给玛丽莎·托梅（曾出演《不伦之恋》） are probably about Marisa Tomei.
女士们先生们 Now, ladies and gentlemen,
如果你看过这个节目呢 if you've been to the show before,
你就知道 我总是爱唱这么一首歌 you know that I always love to sing a song
并且要把它献给每个有小鲍鱼的女人 and dedicate it to everybody with a pussy.
如果你也有小鲍鱼 我要听到你们大声说 Now if you have a pussy, I wanna hear you say,
“我爱我的小鲍鱼!” "I love my pussy!"
我爱我的小鲍鱼! I love my pussy!
跟我说 “我爱我的小鲍鱼!” I said, "I love my pussy!"
我爱我的小鲍鱼! I love my pussy!
有人愿意上台吗? Can I get a volunteer for me?
谁都可以的? Anyone?
上来吧 霍夏科 来吧! Come on up, Horshack, let's go!
- 上来吧! - 她选中我啦! - Come on up! - She chose me!
他整个人都燃起来了 He's fired up.
宝贝儿 坐下来 Sit down, baby.
他还是个热情的参与者? He's a participator?
对 他还上台去了呢 Yes, a participator.
我搞不懂啊 I had no idea.
布丽奇特第二次问有没人自告奋勇 The second Bridget asked for a volunteer
上台的时候 to come up on stage,
他的手伸得比凯文史派西在《报童传奇》 his hand shot up faster than Kevin Spacey's fly
开幕式上的反应还要快 at the opening of Newsies.
这些人怎么想的呢? What is that even?
让观众参与 To not be embarrassed
这个想法 by even just the idea
我连想想都觉得羞耻 of audience participation.
我也不懂 我在演唱会上都不这样 I don't know, I don't even like it at a concert.
比如主唱说 Like when the lead singer goes,
“大家一起唱!” "Now you guys sing!"
我不唱 唱你妹啊 No, fuck you.
对啊 我是花钱来让你唱的 Yeah, I paid you to sing.
我谢谢你全家 Thank you very much.
我又没让让迷幻乐团 I don't ask Imagine Dragons
来这儿当服务员 to come here and wait tables.
简直扯淡 It's bullshit.
就算我要唱 And if I am gonna sing,
但周围还有几千人呢 there's thousands of people there.
我唱不唱会有任何区别吗? Would my voice make a difference?
没有 别人都在唱 又没人听到我的 No, not when everybody around you is doing it.
就和投票一样 It's like voting.
让精英来就行了啊 That's elitist.
为什么就只有你们 Why are you the only ones
去唱歌跳舞 that get to sing and dance
或者做什么别的事儿啊? or whatever the hell it is you do?
你真的觉得我是个舞者?逗我呢? You think I'm a dancer? Really?
是因为我的背部线条吗? Is it the arch in my back?
如果普通人也想表现自己 Look, if non-performers want to perform,
他们可以去歌厅和万圣节派对啊 they have karaoke and Halloween
卖力打扮 尽情表现 to use for act-out and dress-up times.
你们连参与都不参与 But what's the point in going to see anything
那去看的意义在哪儿呢? if you can't take part in it?
你是可以这么说 Ugh, you would say that.
每次我们一起看电影 Nate turns into such a racial stereotype
纳特就变成了典型的那种黑人样子 whenever we go to the movies together.
他就一直和屏幕里的人对话 He's always talking back to the screen
或者对那些有麻烦的角色大喊”小心!” or yelling "Watch out!" To characters in trouble.
你知道吧 你真的毁了我的蓝色情人节呢 You know, you really ruined Blue Valentine for me.
米歇尔·威廉姆斯当时心都要碎了呀 Michelle Williams was gonna get her heart broken.
那只是电影情节而已! That is the plot!
呃 我们是不是在聊观众上台这件事儿? Are we talking about, uh, audience participation?
兄弟 我去托尼和蒂娜的婚礼时 Boy, I have a story about
发生了这样一件事儿 when I was in Tony and Tina's Wedding.
好厉害哦 Oh, I'm shocked.
比利 闭嘴 Shut up, Billy.
你们没看见 So the whole show, uh,
那整场演出 for those of you who don't know,
就是靠观众的参与 is audience participation.
我们好开心啊 And we had so much fun.
这就是你的故事啊 That's your story.
所以弗雷德是个热情的参与者 So Fred is a participator.
是你唯一讨厌他的地方? Is that the only thing you don't like about him?
是啊 他是个好人 Yeah, you know, he's a great guy,
有正经工作 也像个成年人 he has an actual job, he's an adult.
那你就别像平时一样 Then don't do what you usually do
因为一点小小的蠢事 and break up with a good guy
就和一个好人闹翻 because of a tiny dumb reason
- 我是这样的? - 是的 - Is that what I do? - Yes.
你会孤独终老的 You'll die alone.
你干嘛不带他去别的地方 Why don't you just take him someplace
不去看演出就行了呗? other than a show?
这是个好主意 Okay. That's a good idea.
纳特 你很睿智啊 You're very smart, Nate.
那是因为在电影开场前 You never sat next to him
他对着可口可乐的北极熊大喊的时候 when he's yelling at the Coca Cola polar bears
坐在他旁边的不是你 before the movie starts.
它们会得糖尿病的 They're gonna get diabetes.
让我猜猜 Ah, let me guess.
晚饭又要吃披萨了 Pizza again for dinner.
这里乱的跟老鼠窝一样 The place is a mess.
像个垃圾场一样 是吧 玛莎？ What a dump, hey, Martha?
对不起嘛 我只是饿了 Sorry, I'm just hungry.
每年都这样 Every year it's the same.
电视台一筹款 PBS has a pledge drive,
我就要理解一个 and I need understanding
我永远都无法理解的你 from you that I don't get.
你对比利真是忠心耿耿啊 And you're such a supportive partner to Billy.
朱莉 你怎么就不能分点儿给我呢? Why can't I get some of that, Julie?
你喊了我的真名 You used my real name.
如果我筹不到足够的钱 If I don't raise enough money,
我可能会被炒掉的 I could lose my job.
加比今天跟我明说了 Gabby told me that today.
如果你失业了 If you lose your job,
我就给你找个新工作呗 we'll get you another job,
没准这次就去盈利机构了呢 maybe at a for-profit network this time.
我可以联系一下他们的 I could even pitch them.
这和你无关! This is not about you!
好吧 亚瑟 Okay, Arthur, I acknowledge
我承认 在我们的恋爱中 that when it comes to our relationship
我总是把你当成朱迪·格里尔 想成为你的珍妮弗·洛佩兹 I tend to be J. Lo to your Judy Greer,
但我只是想帮你解决问题啊 but I'm trying to fix your problem.
对 朱莉 就是这样 Yeah, that's just it, Julie.
你想解决问题 You're trying to fix it
因为那是你想做的事儿 'cause that's what you want to do.
但我想得到你的同情和支持 I'm asking for sympathy and support.
我想你能听我倾诉 I need you to listen.
不然你在不在我身边又有什么用呢 Otherwise you may as well not even be here.
那你还是自己呆着吧 Well, maybe you need to be left alone.
不如让你一个人 Why don't I just give you
在这里呆一周吧 the apartment for the week.
好极了! Fine!
如果这样 那我不如把狗带走 If that's the case, why don't I just
这样就不用麻烦你 take the dogs too so you don't have
天天去遛它们了 to worry about walking them.
- 好啊! - 太好了! - Good! - Great!
我把我牙刷也带上 I'll just grab my toothbrush.
算了 Or I won't, I'll just buy
我去德药店买个新的 a new one at Duane Reade.
- 好啊 - 那我就带上狗 - Great idea. - So I'll just take
狗粮 还有它们的床 the dogs and their food and beds.
还有我梳头发的东西 And my hair stuff.
狗 狗粮 还有它们的床 Dogs, their food and bed,
我梳头发的东西还有电脑 and my hair stuff and my laptop.
还有外套 因为外面很冷 And jacket 'cause it's cold outside.
狗 狗粮 还有它们的床 The dogs, their food and beds,
梳头发的东西 外套 因为外面很冷 hair stuff, jacket because it's cold outside,
还有电脑 and laptop.
还有《大笨蛋》的DVD And this DVD of The Jerk.
周一见 See you Monday.
我不需要别的了 And that's all I need.
走吧 孩子们 Come on, guys.
- 亲爱的 - 妈妈 - Darling. - Hi, Mom.
欢迎回家 Welcome home.
能不让狗进屋吗? Can the dogs stay outside?
你能在这儿 For how long do we have
陪我多久呢? the pleasure of your company?
直到亚瑟消气 Until Arthur stops being mad at me
或者筹款结束 任何一个先来都行 or pledge week ends, whichever comes first.
你有没有想过 Did you ever wonder
亚瑟酗酒的问题 whether Arthur's drinking problem
会影响你们的感情? is affecting your relationship?
我不觉得他在酗酒啊 I don't think he has a drinking problem.
我们明天会和 You know, we're having dinner
普曼一家一起吃晚饭 with the Coppermans tomorrow night.
如果你想来就来吧 You're invited to join if you'd like.
他家儿子还没结婚呢 They have a single son.
我们又没分手 We didn't break up.
但你也没结婚啊 Well, you're not married.
我知道 I know.
为什么不能让狗待在笼子里? Why don't the dogs stay in cages?
因为他们又不是笼中之鸟 Because they're not canaries.
等会儿啊 我要给你 Wait here, I have this article
看篇文章 I want to show you about women
是讲有表演背景的女性 with performance backgrounds
如何将其发展成赚钱职业的 moving on to lucrative careers.
还有一篇我是在哪儿看的来着? Oh, and where's that other study?
显然 嫁给犹太男人的犹太女人 Apparently Jewish women
生的孩子会更幸福 who marry Jewish men have happier children.
我们得说服爸爸让妈妈回家 We've got to get daddy to let mommy come home.
看起来你在那边 You, um, looked like you were
玩得很开心呀 having a good time up there.
真是痛快极了 God, what a blast.
所有那些疯狂的事儿 I mean, of all the crazy things,
我甚至都不是个表演者 但... I'm not even a performer, but...
没有立志要当一个吗? Not even an aspirational one?
我天 没有 当然没有 Oh, God, no, no, no, no.
我很喜欢我的工作 I love what I do.
祝你生日快乐 祝你生日快乐 Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.
生日快乐 亲 Happy birthday dear person
祝你生日快乐 Happy birthday to you
快乐还会更多 And many more.
喔! Woo!
生日快乐呀 Happy birthday.
弗雷德 你可真是个好人 Fred, you're a really sweet guy.
我觉得吧 你不想当表演家 I think it's great
这点很好 you don't want to be a performer,
但我担心呢 你这种性格 but I worry that what you are
让我们更不合适交往了 makes us even more incompatible.
你是个参与者 You're a participator.
什么... 什么意思? What... what's that?
比如说 和布丽奇特一起上台表演啦 Like getting onstage with Bridget
和这些人一起唱生日歌啦 and singing "Happy Birthday" with these people.
你都不认识这些人诶 You don't know these people.
我... 我只是喜欢唱歌而已 I... I just like to sing.
有什么大不了的? What's the big deal?
这就像《权力的游戏》一样 It's like Game of Thrones.
我也想接受它 可我就是不行 I want to be okay with it, but I'm not.
嗨 我是朱莉·凯斯勒 来找亚瑟·塔克 Hi, Julie Kessler for Arthur Tack.
- 小面条儿? - 嗨 - Noodles? - Oh, hi.
我给你带午饭来了 I brought you lunch.
看 我买到了你喜欢吃的橄榄 And, uh, look I found those olives you like,
还有比特酒 我买到了比特酒呢 and bitters, I found bitters.
- 你好啊 朱莉 - 嘿 加比 - Hello, Julie. - Hey, Gabby.
筹款大会办的怎样啦? How's the pledge drive?
我们已经竭尽全力了 Uh, we're doing the best we can.
你们有没有想过 Hey, have you guys ever considered
换换场地呢? changing your pitch?
总是送大手提袋和雨伞 It's like tote bags and umbrellas.
是要传递什么信息呢? What kind of message does that send?
"我爱读书" "很好 下雨了" "I love books," And, "Oh, good, it's raining."
我们买不起更好的礼物了 We can't afford better gifts.
哦 Oh.
朱莉最大的爱好之一呢就是修东西 One of Julie's favorite hobbies
在任何她觉得需要拨乱反正的时候都这样 is fixing things when she thinks they need fixing.
连我老板也不放过 Even when it's my boss.
那要是在筹款大会的间歇 Ooh, then what if you just
放点儿爵士乐呢? jazzed up the pledge breaks?
这个花不了太多钱 I mean, it doesn't have to be expensive.
这个很便宜的 就像喜剧中心 It can be cheap like when Comedy Central
会做烤肉一样 did those roasts.
我得回去工作了 I have to get back to work.
等等 加比 我真的觉得 Wait, Gabby, seriously I think
这个主意非常棒啊 this is kind of a great idea.
史上第一次PBS烤肉 First ever PBS roast.
我们还可以按照PBS的特点 I mean, we could pack the dais
来装饰演讲台 with PBS personalities
把这些新来的傻逼都换下来 and rip 'em all new assholes.
查理·罗斯(PBS主持人) 甜饼怪 Charlie Rose, Cookie Monster,
那些《古董路演》里的长得很怪的双胞胎(PBS的节目) those creepy twins from Antique Roadshow.
我和这些人是一起长大的 I grew up with those brothers.
他们是我的家庭 我的朋友 They're family friends.
我和这些双胞胎一起洗澡 I bathed with those twins.
你的话真的很伤人 This conversation is hurtful,
而且也不尊重我的底线 and out of respect to my boundaries,
我要走了 I am going.
谢谢你送午饭来 Thanks for lunch.
《副总统》里的人说话怎么都这么快 Everybody on Veep talks too fast.
我要换台看《大爆炸》 I'm switching it to Big Bang.
为什么卡蕾·措科(大爆炸主演) Why did Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting
在这集里边 only make a million dollars
才赚了一百万呢？ for this episode?
- 真的吗? - 真是不可思议 - Is that true? - It's amazing.
每次你在这儿 她才会听别人讲话 When you're here, she actually listens.
你说的那些我都听进去了 I listen to everything you say.
你不高兴不就是是因为 你去给亚瑟送午饭 You're upset because you brought Arthur lunch
他喝多了 没注意到你去了嘛 and he was too drunk to realize you were there.
不是这样的 That's not the story.
我觉得差不多啦 I think it's very close.
谁要爆米花呀? Who wants popcorn?
不好玩吗? Isn't this fun?
就像卧谈会一样 It's like a slumber party.
比利 你想看我的年鉴吗? Hey, Billy, wanna see my yearbook?
我当时可是穿0码的人呢 I was a size 0,
那可是1969年啊 and that's a 1969 size 0.
和阿丽森·詹尼(美国女演员)的胳膊一样大 I was the size of Allison Janney's arm.
非常 非常小 Very, very small.
我马上就回来 I'll be right back.
我得离开这儿了 I have to get out of here.
我想我男朋友 I miss my boyfriend.
我知道 你看看你 I know, and looking at you
我在想 也许我不应该甩了弗雷德的 I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have dumped Fred.
当一个参与者 Is it the worst thing in the world
是世上最糟的事情吗? to be a participator?
不是 那也没办法呀 No, I mean, it's up there.
亚瑟马上要上场了 Oh, it's time for Arthur's shift.
换到PBS 快点儿 Turn on PBS, quick.
给你 Here you are.
谢谢 Thank you.
我的书呆子呢? Where did my nerds go?
你们好呀 公共电视台的观众们 Hello, public television fans.
希望我们的三场西藏慢舞 We hope you are enjoying our three
让你们看得过瘾 of the slow dances of Tibet.
现在是雨伞时间啦 And now it's umbrella time.
天哪 雨伞时间到了 Oh, my God, it's umbrella time.
是有多兴奋呢? How exciting is that?
我感觉我的脸就像 I feel like I've been shot in the face
被麻醉枪打了一样 with a tranquilizer dart.
亚瑟告诉我 Arthur told me he gets
他轮到的是最差的轮班里最差的节目 the worst programs during the worst shifts.
不行 它们把爆米花都舔脏了 No, they're contaminating the popcorn.
那可是玛丽迈高(一芬兰品牌)的碗啊! Oh, God, that's a Marimekko bowl!
我们是一家人 我们需要你的帮助 We are a family here, and we need your help.
对不对呀 亚瑟? Isn't that right, Arthur?
亚瑟要上场了 Oh, here's Arthur.
没人会为了这个捐钱的 Oh, nobody's gonna pledge any money for this.
为了结束这种沉默 Uh, coming up after the final
我们再放最后一场西藏舞蹈 Tibetan dance set to complete silence,
选自音乐剧《发胶》 马上回来哟 a number from the musical, The Hairspray.
他要被炒了 He's gonna get fired.
你怎么进来的? How did you get in here?
我跟保安说 I told the security guard
我是沙里·刘易斯的孙女（和动物出演了电视木偶剧《羊排馆》） I was Shari Lewis's granddaughter.
抵押大会的气氛还没搞起来呢 Well, the pledge thermometer hasn't budged.
希望人们能在放 Hopefully people will tune in
《发胶》的时候慷慨解囊 during the Hairpsray song.
谁演的? Oh, who's doing it?
哈韦·菲尔斯泰(美国演员)和夏恩·杰克逊(美国艺人)一起唱的 Harvey Fierstein is singing with Cheyenne Jackson
而马克·赛门(美国音乐家)钢琴伴奏 and Marc Shaiman is playing piano.
哇 同志三连击啊 Wow, the gay trifecta.
我在想 在这种逃不掉的降神会上 I wonder who they'll contact
他们会联系谁呢? in the inevitable seance?
罗斯·马修斯?（美国演员） Ross Matthews?
罗斯·马修斯还没死呢 Ross Matthews isn't dead yet.
对 好吧 Oh, right, mm-hmm.
我想见见马克·赛门 I want to meet Marc Shaiman.
我的耳朵好热啊 My ears are burning,
而且可不是因为性病才这样的 and it's not venereal.
你怎么样啊? Hey, hi, how are ya?
我是比利 前几天刚看了布丽姬·埃弗雷特的节目 I'm Billy, I saw Bridget Everett's show
你的歌好好听啊 the other night and your songs are amazing.
- 是吧? - 我是朱莉·凯斯勒 - I know, right? -I'm Julie Kessler.
是你的死忠粉儿 I'm such a fan of yours,
我都不知道要从何说起了 I wouldn't even know where to begin.
朱莉·凯斯勒 你不是 Julie Kessler, don't you write
写电视节目概述评论的吗? recaps of TV shows?
- 是的! - 你在《名声大噪》上 - Yes! - You wrote something
把我们写得可差劲了 really nasty about us on Smash.
要是我那时候说了什么坏话 Well, if I said anything mean about it,
肯定只是因为 I'm sure I was just upset
艾薇没有得到玛里琳这个角色 我特别失望 that Ivy didn't get the role of Marilyn.
你知不知道 Do you have any idea
我们在那些歌上下了多少功夫? how hard we work on those songs?
而对你们这些人来说 And then it's so easy for you
把它们当垃圾真是不能再容易了 people to just trash 'em.
也没那么容易啦 It wasn't that easy,
那天中午我赶了三百字 I had 300 words due that day by noon.
你来这儿 是不是要在网上写点儿东西黑我 You here to write some more shit about me online?
我在这儿是因为筹款间歇实在是太无聊了 I'm here because the pledge breaks
所以我决定来帮帮我的男朋友 are so boring I decided to help my boyfriend.
好极了 所以是我很无聊咯 Oh, great, so now I'm boring.
那我走了 You know what, I'm leaving.
什么 赛门先生 别走! What, Mr. Shaiman, no!
跟哈韦和夏恩说 Tell Harvey and Cheyenne
我在M&M商店等他们 I'll meet them at the M&M's store.
真是谢谢你啊 小鼠标垫 Oh, thanks a lot, mouse pad.
现在赛门走了 下一个筹款间歇 Now with Shaiman gone I have nothing lined up
我什么都没得放了 for the next pledge break.
我只是想帮忙嘛 I was just trying to help.
还有呢? And yet?
妈的 Shit.
我能处理好 Okay, I can fix this.
用你的PBS烤肉计划怎么样? What if we do your PBS roast idea?
我们不能...我们什么都没准备啊 We can't just... we have nothing prepared.
不过取笑PBS的明星们嘛 It's making fun of PBS celebrities.
我们闭着眼都能做啊 We can do it in our sleep.
那不是有悖于 Doesn't that go against your whole resolution
你要对明星好点儿的决定吗? about being nicer to celebrities?
去他妈的明星吧 Fuck celebrities, I mean,
当然温迪·威廉姆斯除外 except for Wendy Williams.
看 你需要我 亚瑟也需要你 Look, you need me and Arthur needs you.
亚瑟 Arthur.
我们有个主意 We have an idea.
敬请观赏
PBS筹款大会间歇
马上捐款 请拨1-800-555-0199 现在拨进将获得免费大手提袋一个
欢迎来到首届PBS烤肉节 Welcome to the first ever PBS roast.
在我们开始之前呢 我想先感谢一下 Now before we move on, I just want to acknowledge
电视机前所有的观众们 all of our viewers who are taking time
放弃了性生活来看我们的节目 out of not having sex to watch our show.
非常感谢你们 Thank you so much.
你们的球比甜饼怪还要蓝（芝麻街中的卡通人物） Your balls are bluer than Cookie Monster's.
说到芝麻街呢（幼儿教育电视节目） And speaking of Sesame Street,
来自芝麻街的玛丽娅 Maria from Sesame Street
今晚本应该到场的 was supposed to be here tonight
但是查理•罗斯并不答应 but Charlie Rose wouldn't let her
让她度过一个不用打扫公寓的夜晚 have the night off from cleaning his apartment.
说道查理•罗斯呢 And speaking of Charlie Rose,
这也不是开玩笑啦 this isn't a joke or anything,
不过我觉得他看起来就像个性变态 but he just seems like a really mean pervert to me,
就像是那种只喜欢看后入女性 like the kind of guy that only likes porn
还要把女性的头按在马桶里的 where a lady is getting it from behind
性虐类小黄片的人 and her head is in the toilet.
我也不想把事情搞得这么僵 And I hate to take things into a negative place,
不过 PBS 我得跟你们好好谈谈 but PBS, I have a beef with you.
为啥把《闪亮的时间站》给砍了？ Why did you cancel Shining Time Station?
要是说这里边孩子们会喜欢的 If there's one thing children love
那就只有林格·斯塔对他们吼叫着讲火车的时候可以算数了 it's having Ringo Starr yell at them about trains.
有那么多好看的节目 There are so many good shows
可是你们一个都没播过 you guys don't play anymore.
还有《节俭做美食》 What about The Frugal Gourmet?
还记得这个节目吗? Remember that show?
那可曾是我奶奶最喜欢的节目 That was one of my grandmother's favorites.
《节俭做美食》最开始的名字 You know, the original title
叫《越减越便宜》 of The Frugal Gourmet was The Cheap Cut.
还有憨豆先生 人人都喜欢憨豆先生啊 Or Mr. Bean, everybody loves Mr. Bean.
比利 你知道我管我的小鲍鱼也叫这个名儿吗？ Hey, Billy, you know, that's what I call my clitoris?
- 哇! - 玛吉·史密斯 - Oh, wow! - Maggie Smith
一定知道我在说什么 knows what I'm talking about.
抛开FCC（联邦通信委员会）的罚款 Well, despite an FCC fine
和加比炒了我的那封邮件不谈 and an email from Gabby firing me,
而且她后来又撤回了 which she later retracted,
你们俩真的拯救了我的节目 you guys really saved my patoot.
当然啦 亚瑟 这段视频 Yes. Arthur, this video has
已经有过10万的点击量了 over 100,000 views already.
从《人多反误事》之后就再没这么高过了 Not since the days of Too Many Cooks.
你们还记得《人多反误事》吗? Do you remember Too Many Cooks?
- 并不 - 这个视频所筹到的捐款 - No. - This video has gotten
是PBS有史以来 so many donations that PBS raised
筹款最对的一次 more money than we ever have.
1143美元呢! Over $1,143!
亚瑟 我真为你骄傲 Oh, Arthur, I'm so proud of you.
我答应你要向前看了 And I promise going forward,
我会给你你要求的 I'm gonna give you the five days
一年五天的自由时间 a year that you need.
谢谢你 小箭猪 Oh, thank you, porcupine,
不过今年难过的日子都过去了 but those days are over for this year.
欢迎回家 今晚我给你们做饭 Welcome home. I'll make dinner tonight.
不用啦 我们有阿布拉·卡多格拉的票 Mm-mm, no, we have tickets to Abra Cadouglas,
看完我们还要去辛普森的派对呢 then we have to go to that Simpsons party.
你从哪儿搞到的阿布拉·卡多格拉的票？ When did you get tickets for Abra Cadouglas?
本来是我为了追回弗雷德准备的 Well, it was my big play to get Fred back,
但是他都没回我邮件 then he never replied to my email.
- 去他妈的弗雷德吧 - 去他妈的弗雷德! - Fuck Fred. - Fuck Fred!
如果我还愿意跟一个男同去看魔术表演的话 Now if I want to go to a magic show
唯一的人选只有 with a gay guy, the only one left
尼尔·帕特里克·哈里斯 is Neil Patrick Harris.
今晚8点 阿布拉·卡多格拉 门票售罄
天哪 这地方真是不能再挤了 My God, this place is packed.
感恩你能在阿布拉·卡多格拉 It's a good thing you got tickets
被抢爆之前搞到票 before Abra Cadouglas exploded apparently.
天哪 别告诉我那是玛莎·斯图尔特（美国女性财富人物） Oh, my God, is that Martha Stewart
和内森·连恩（曾为《狮子王》《阿童木》等配音） and Nathan Lane?
看来整个镇子的人都喜欢阿布拉啊 I guess Abra's the toast of the town.
- 我的天呐 - 怎么了? - Oh, my God. - What?
弗雷德也在 That's Fred.
还带了个伴儿 And he brought a date.
真他妈有胆 The nerve of him.
- 我讨厌他们俩 - 没事儿啦 - I hate them both. - No, no, no,
你不用讨厌他们 you don't have to hate them.
是我的错 It's my fault.
我光顾着对明星友善一点儿 I was being nice to celebrities
却对我的约会对象太刻薄了 and mean to guys I date.
我应该反过来的 I should be doing the reverse.
别苛责你自己啦 Don't be so hard on yourself.
- 噢! - 要开始啦 - Ooh! - Here we go.
她冷静 充满魔力 She's sober, she's magical,
她就是阿布拉·卡多格拉! she's Abra Cadouglas!
痊愈之路很长 The road to recovery is long
这条围巾也一样 and so is this scarf.
又臭又长 永无尽头 Oh, it never ends, it never ends.
一生都风平浪静 毫无波澜 Lifelong commitment to serenity.
阿布拉·卡多格拉 Abra Cadouglas.
我说A 你们说A! When I say A, you say A!
- A! - A! - a! - a!
我充满了力量 谢谢你们 Higher power, thank you so much.
我的下一个魔术需要一位志愿者 For my next trick, I'm gonna need a volunteer.
谁想来试试呢？ Who's it gonna be?
我是不是该去啊? Should I do it?
因为如果我去了 弗雷德就会看到 Because if I do it maybe Fred will see
我也是可以接受这样的 that I'm okay with it
这样他就会回到我身边了 and then he'll have to take me back.
你认真的吗? Are you serious?
你可要想好了 比利 You have to think about this, Billy.
- 你确定吗？ - 我没时间思考了 - Are you sure? - I don't have time to think.
- 我来! - 好的 就你来吧 - I'll do it! - Yes, you will.
我们给他鼓鼓掌 Give him a round of applause.
他刚刚做了服务承诺呢 He just got a service commitment.
先生 你叫什么? Sir, what's your name?
- 比利 - 嗨 比利 - I'm Billy. - Hi, Billy.
嗨 我只想说 Hi, and I just want to say
我并不是不能接受这些 that I'm not above this
我很享受啊 and I'm having a great time
我可以做任何事儿 and I'm up for anything.
比利 我需要你 Billy, I'm gonna need you
坐在这个货车里 to sit inside of this wagon.
好的 Okay, all right.
这个扳机代表痊愈路上的一个障碍 This trigger represents an obstacle to recovery
或者触发点 or a trigger.
要了命了 Oh, Jesus.
工作压力 Work stress.
依赖你的父母 Codependent parents.
康复过程中太快约会 Dating too soon in recovery.
成天在酒吧里混日子 Living above a bar.
接下来就是见证奇迹的时刻 你从货车里出来了 Prest-o, change-o, you're off the wagon.
阿布拉·卡多格拉! Abra Cadouglas!
天哪 你身上还湿着呢 God, you're still wet.
我是想说 Well, I mean, you know.
真的像我觉得的这么丢脸吗? Was that as humiliating as it looked?
比你想的丢脸多了 Oh, much more so.
- 嗨 比利 - 嗨 弗雷德 - Hey, Billy. - Hey, Fred.
最近怎样呀?见到你真高兴 How are you? Good to see you.
你看我 我也去参与了呢 Look at me, I participated.
我感觉整件事就像是 Yeah, you know, I feel like this
为了感同身受而做的努力 whole thing's like an exercise in empathy.
可能就是这样的吧 Yeah, I guess that's what it was.
真是很惊讶看到有人会这样 Such a huge turn-off to see somebody
在台上羞辱自己 embarrass themselves on stage like that.
一会儿见 I'll see you around.
走吧 莫迪凯 Come on, Mordecai.
永远不要做对的事儿 Never do the right thing.
- 我懂 - 永远不要做对的事情 - I know. - Never do the right thing.
我知道 我懂 I know, I know, I know.
对不起 我们去辛普森的趴体吧 I'm sorry, let's go to that Simpsons party.
凯斯勒 Kessler,
K E S S L E R 你再查查啊 K-E-S-S-L-E-R, just look again.
给他看你手机里的邀请函 Here, show him the invite on your phone.
这个指的是朱莉·凯夫纳（为《辛普森一家》配音） This says Julie Kavner.
你说什么呢? What are you talking about?
JulieK@gmail JulieK@gmail.
有没有下划线啊？ With or without an underscore though?
这是个错误 No, that was a mistake,
我们本来是要邀请朱莉·凯夫纳的 we meant to invite Julie Kavner
因为有了她 because she's an integral part
《辛普森一家》才能完整 of the longevity of The Simpsons.
我可不需要在这儿等你冥思苦想 You know, I don't need to hear your musings
朱莉·凯夫纳的星路历程吧 on Julie Kavner's star quality right now.
好啊 我可没听说过你 Yeah, well, you I've never heard of.
下一位 Next.
你看 原来我也没被邀请 See, I wasn't invited either
所以我们对名人友不友善 and it has nothing to do with whether or not
根本就没什么所谓 we're nice or mean to celebrities,
现实就是这样的 it's just the way it is.
是因为 It has to do with the fact
没有人认识我们 that nobody knows who we are.
嗨! Hey!
你是比利 是吧? Billy, isn't it?
天哪 Oh, my God.
天哪 马丁·肖特 Oh, my God, Martin Short.
你真人看起来更高一点儿 Gee, your taller in person.
我是很高啦 I-- I'm very tall.
天哪 是的 我是比利·爱泼斯坦 Oh, my God, yes, I'm Billy Epstein.
你怎么会知道我是谁啊? How do you know who I am?
我可是你的死忠粉啊 你能把我认出来 I'm a huge fan of yours and you recognizing me
真是把我的世界都点亮了 is changing my entire night.
当然 你去过阿布拉·卡多格拉的节目嘛 Yeah, you were at Abra Cadouglas's show.
- 你当时也在? - 当然! - Were you just there? - Yes!
天哪 太不可思议了 Oh, my God, that's crazy.
你是看过我的单口相声还是? And-- what, you know my stand-up or something?
没有 从来没看过 No, no, I've never seen it.
真看不出来你还会说单口相声 I can't imagine you'd have a stand-up.
要是你真的说 趁早转行吧 If you do, you shouldn't.
你不就是那个他们邀请上台 You were just this awkward guy
还让自己出尽了洋相的 that they brought up and kind of made
呆瓜嘛 a goof of himself.
你真是一点儿魅力都没有 Gee, you have no charisma,
这可能就是你的长处吧 but I think that's maybe your strength.
我也不知道 但是我们看着很搞笑 I don't know, but it was fun for us to watch.
你的样子让我想起 Hey, you know, you remind me
年轻时的沙里·刘易斯了 of a young Shari Lewis.
- 是杰里·刘易斯 - 好吧 - Jerry Lewis. - Okay.
管他呢 因为你 Yeah, anyway, 'cause you're like--
你也有一样的大牙 You got the big teeth.
不过 还是很高兴认识你们 Anyway, good to see ya.
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