YOUNG MYER
[Man on television] Welcome back to
Eye on East Hills with Jon Howard.
(Christopher) Look, people think
that sports is fair, you know,
just 'cause it got rules and stuff.
You know, but is it fair that,
you know, Chinese people are short
or, you know, we have fewer fast-twitch muscles in our legs?
How do you explain Yao Ming then?
Yao Ming is a statistical anomaly, all right?
You take a country of 1.4 billion people,
you're sure to have a few hundred tall [...], right?
And out of that few hundred, you know,
you're bound to have at least one or two that can play ball.
Statistical anomaly.
[Man singing] Never seen Charlie Chan.
Never forget Vincent Chin.
I'm 'bout to drop some knowledge on you.
Let the lesson begin.
Now, I'ma teach this assignment in slang,
brother, change the whole world to see shit
like The Eye by the Pang brothers.
Asian American who ain't afraid to say
comparing me to David Carradine
will get you set ablaze with kerosene.
I don't call television racist,
but I do watch The Simpsons and SpongeBob
just to see some yellow faces.
I take the yellow haters down like elevators.
Left hand on your girl.
Right foot on the accelerator.
You ain't laughing at that.
I'm that new type of Asian.
I'll let you do the math on that one.
I'ma teach you who's me
'cause I'm the Bruce Lee of loose-leaf,
the Donnie N. Of rhyming,
and the Jackie Chan of rapping, man.
(Christopher) Orient Express coming through!
[Man singing] Forget what you think you know.
I'll teach your ashes a lesson.
Listen and learn and don't ask me no questions.
Wake up, kids, and keep your eyes in my direction.
Welcome to my Chinese school.
Class is in session.
[Christopher grunting]
[Music continues indistinctly]
(boy) You're awesome. You should be in the NBA.
My name's Felix.
(Christopher) Good for you.
Hey, hook me up with some of that, man.
(boy #1) Shot was off.
(boy #2) The big guy made a bunch of lucky shots anyway.
(Christopher) W-w-wait, hold up, dog.
Hey, you want to run that back?
Ball.
What you gonna do? What you gonna do?
Come on, what you gonna do?
Come on. Come on.
You ain't got it. You ain't got nothing.
Ah, get some!
Ah, stuffed like a turkey!
Booyah!
[Laughing]
I don't think so.
Go play piano!
Access denied!
Ah, access denied!
Come on, you want some of this?
(kids) Yeah, get him!
(Christopher) Where you going? Where you going?
That's where you're going.
Who's lucky now, huh?
What you looking at?
[All laughing]
Aw, yeah.
Yeah, you better step off.
Hey, this is my neighborhood.
Who's the master?
(Felix) You are.
(Christopher) And what's my name?
(Felix) Chris?
(C-Dub) Call me C-Dub.
And what time is it?
(Felix) 3:35.
(C-Dub) Dog, dog, when I ask you what time it is,
you're supposed to say "game time," all right?
Wait, wait, what time is it?
(Felix) Game time.
(C-Dub) No, no, no, on the reals, man. What time is it?
(Felix) 3:35.
(C-Dub) Mother...
All right, man, I'm sorry I'm late, man.
There was this big-ass accident on the 405, man.
This mofo was speeding, picking his nose, man.
His ass ran, pow, right into the back of a chicken truck.
Man, I saw blood.
There was glass, blood, feathers, everywhere, man.
I'm telling you, J.P.,
you should've seen this wang ba dan, man.
He might as well have been down on his hands and knees.
He was begging me to stay.
I swear on the grace
of 18 generations of my ancestors, man.
I ain't gonna be late again.
All right, you can't get a better guarantee than that
from a Chinese brother.
(J.P.) You know what you had to do, right?
Don't playa-hate.
(both) Negotiate.
(C-Dub) For sure, so check it.
This fool starts talking fast about bonuses, vacation days.
Man, he tried to straight-up bribe me.
I'll give you my autographed Michael Jordan jersey, man.
You know how much that's worth?
Really?
All right, maybe I ain't going to give you that,
but, hey, I'll give you my Larry Johnson jersey.
(man) Who?
You know, UNLV, Charlotte Hornets, Grandma-ma.
Come on, man. I'll wash your car, man.
(J.P.) Right, r-r-r-right.
So you had to show him
who was the real lao fan, huh?
(C-Dub) Oh, man, you know it, baby. Set the record straight.
We ain't building railroads for free no more, you hear?
[Laughing]
Hey, man, how you going to reach out
to your Asian customers, man?
Hey, they feel me, feel me, man?
There's like 2 million of us in L.A., man.
How you going to communicate with them?
(man) Wilson?
(C-Dub) I was thinking, man.
Can't be wasting all my time working for the man.
(J.P.) Right.
You know that comic book I was working on,
the one with the gun-toting, crime-fighting pandas?
That's where I need to devote more of my time.
Yeah, and don't forget about our T-shirt company.
(C-Dub) That's what I'm saying, man.
And then there's the casino.
(J.P.) Aw, can't forget the crown jewel.
(both) Cha-Ching Dynasty.
(C-Dub) Booyah.
Hey.
[Both singing] Make money, money,
make money, money, make.
(man) You know what the Donald says?
(C-Dub) Ah, wait, you can't fire me, dog.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, 'cause I quit.
Hm.
[Speaking a Chinese language]
Oh, you're too polite.
I'm just a lousy player.
Not everybody can play like that guy.
(Michael) Hey, Pa, I fixed your modem.
You should really think about going wireless, though.
It's a lot faster.
Hey, Michael, you remember Mr. Lin?
(Michael) Oh, of course.
Tournament's coming up.
You training hard?
Not that you need to.
You could probably win blindfolded.
(Michael) I'm just very lucky.
I definitely should practice more.
(Lin) Oh, I don't see how you could find the time.
I got a nephew in residency at General.
They're killing him over there.
Well, my hospital's definitely going to kill me
if I don't get back right now,
so... good to see you.
- See you later. - Pa.
Bye.
William?
He's too lazy...
and fat.
[Door slams]
[TV blaring]
[Mr. Wang singing in a Chinese language]
[Pan gonging]
[Thudding on floor]
Ah, tell Mike, man.
He ain't doing nothing.
Doing nothing?
Yeah, but he don't have to work on Saturday morning.
All right, all right, all right!
[Phone vibrating]
Ow.
What up, playa?
(C-Dub) Oh, man, what time is it?
Time for you to get your ass up, homey.
Man, aren't you supposed to be in school?
(J.P.) Yeah, it's recess.
Hey, you need to get down here.
No can, man, I told the dads I was going to work.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'll tell him later, man. No biggie.
(J.P.) All right, but don't complain
when everybody tells you they seen the new ride.
Hold up. You got a new ride?
I'll see you in a minute.
Sweet.
[Brakes squeal]
Thud!
[C-Dub chortling]
Ow.
Oh, [...].
(C-Dub) Man, I was going to tell you later, man.
I mean, you and Mom have been bugging me
to lose that lame-ass job anyway, right?
Hey, so check it out, man.
I got an email from my friend lan
about how his friend opened up an online clothing store, man.
He works from home, man.
He makes like a few thousand dollars, man, every month, man.
I said, "Hey, let me key in on some of that."
And then, you know Henry, right?
Hey, he self-published this comic book last month.
I'm going to talk to him about that too.
I mean, he got, like, his own website and everything, man.
Yo, you feeling me on this?
Mr. Waaang?
It's Wang, dog.
I'm sorry, "Wong."
Wang, not Wong. Wang.
- "Wong." - Wang.
- "Wong." - Is she all right?
(doctor) Good news.
Yourwrists are just sprained.
You'll need to take it easy for a while.
You can start physical therapy in a couple weeks.
Just goes to show you
you can never be too careful driving.
(C-Dub) Wait, wait, hold up, dog. What's that supposed to mean?
(man) Excuse me?
You just assume that just because my moms is Chinese
that she's a bad driver?
Like she couldn't break her hand
gardening or baking pies, some Martha Stewart [...].
Hey, that's straight-up racialism, dog.
You better have malpractice insurance.
I just read her chart.
It said "car accident" on it.
(C-Dub) Yeah, so?
(man) This is for the pain.
The nurse will sign you out.
[C-Dub laughing]
Ow.
I'm okay.
They gave you ibuprofen, huh?
We should make sure you get the good stuff, okay?
We'll get you Vicodin, Ma.
Oh, wait a minute now.
People always think that, you know, Chinese people,
all they're good at are math,
martial arts, and mu shu pork, you know?
But basketball, hey, that was really my thing back in the day,
you know what I'm saying?
I used to play on the JV squad.
Booyah.
They called me The Orient Express.
They call me The Orient Express for more than one reason.
You know what I'm saying?
Feel me, man? Feel that?
Actually, I don't.
Uh...
[hip-hop music]
[Man rapping] A, B, C.
A, G, C.
A, B, C.
Superstar.
[Rapping in a Chinese language]
(C-Dub) Nerds.
(J.P.) Yeah, homeboy was on the news last week.
Supposed to be some kind of genius.
So when we going to play some ball, man?
(C-Dub) Oh, no, man. I got that thing later.
(J.P.) Oh, that's right. Ping-Pong.
When you gonna get a bowl cut?
(C-Dub) I'm just helping out my moms, man.
Kick her while she's down, why don't you?
(Felix) You're in Ping-Pong too?
(C-Dub) No, dog, I ain't in Ping-Pong.
I'm teaching Ping-Pong.
Awesome!
I'm in that class!
[J.P. Chuckles]
(C-Dub) This it?
(Felix) Yep.
(C-Dub) All right, all right.
What's going on, everybody?
Come on over.
(boy #1) Is it true that Coach Wang broke ten bones?
(boy #2) I heard they had to cut off her arm.
What are you smoking?
All y'all need to know is,
I'm going to be teaching for a little while.
Who are you?
I'm Chris, but call me C-Dub.
(boy #1) Are you the guy that wins
the Ping-Pong tournament every single year?
No.
But isn't Coach Wang your mom?
(Felix) That's her other son.
(C-Dub) Yeah, better get that straight.
- What's your name? - William.
Free Willy, listen up.
Don't ask stupid questions,
and you won't get stupid answers.
All right, the rest of y'all, come up here real quick.
Put a check next to your name.
Hey, what's your name again?
(Felix) Felix.
(C-Dub) F-Bomb, hey.
What's the deal with the white boys?
(Felix) Coach Wang lets them practice here.
They're, like, pros or something.
(C-Dub) All right, whatever.
So what y'all normally do?
(Felix) We usually warm up first.
Coach Wang always says...
(C-Dub) Ah, t-t-t-t.
Don't just stand there and tell me about it.
Step to it.
(Felix) We're done.
20 forehands and 20 backhands each.
Well, good for you.
Now do another 20.
Make that 30.
Aw, yeah.
(J.P.) What's up, playa?
Oh, I see you got your eye on that.
So what's the holdup?
(C-Dub) Aw, man, you can't just run up
and start humping her leg like a dog.
You got to be like a tiger, man.
You got to stalk the prey.
You got to wait for it and then...
bam, pounce on that [...].
(J.P.) Yeah, I feel you on that, man.
I feel you.
(C-Dub) Hey, what you up to, man?
Joe put that issue of Hellboy on hold for me.
(J.P.) Aw, man, I got to work.
(C-Dub) On Saturday?
(J.P.) Work sucks, man.
Oh, I forgot. You wouldn't know.
(C-Dub) Ah, it's like that, huh?
I help you out with your Chinese homework,
and this is how you repay me?
(J.P.) Don't worry.
When I'm making my millions in the exploding China market,
I'll be sure to cut you in on a little RNB.
(C-Dub) Yeah, you better.
Oh, hey, keys.
(J.P.) How long?
Brother's car is still in the shop.
Later.
(J.P.) Take care of my baby.
[Hip-hop music playing]
[Man rapping] My rims keep shining, and my paint keeps chipping.
My rims, m-my, my rims keep shining.
My rims keep shining, and my paint keeps chipping.
My rims, m-my, my rims keep shining.
My rims keep shining, and my paint keeps chipping.
(Mr. Wang) So glad you came by.
(Cheryl) Well, I was in the neighborhood.
I wanted to step in and check on things.
(Mr. Wang) Just give him a few more days.
He's starting to practice a little already.
Well, everyone at the ATTF will be happy to hear that.
It's always a treat watching Michael defend his title.
About the sponsorship...
(Cheryl) We can talk about it once Michael's recovered.
And I hope Mei is feeling better too.
Just goes to show you,
you can never be too careful when driving.
(C-Dub) Excuse me. How much are these?
'Cause I'm kind of in a hurry.
Well, I can see you're busy.
I'll call you later.
(Mr. Wang) We'll see you soon.
(C-Dub) Hey, I ain't the rude one.
Cheryl Davis is the regional director
of the table tennis federation.
(C-Dub) So? It don't give her the right
to perpetuate racial stereotypes.
(Mr. Wang) What do you want?
(C-Dub) Ma, I don't know if I can teach that class.
(C-Dub) That's not what I'm talking about.
It's boring, man.
I ain't trying to coach no Bad News Bears.
Come on, man. It's not my thing.
Make Michael teach the class then.
Hey, I play sports, not games.
The Chinese, we're the masters of Ping-Pong.
You always say Chinese this and Chinese that,
but all you want to do is play basketball.
Do you see any Chinese people playing in the NBA?
(C-Dub) As a matter of fact...
(Mr. Wang) China!
Man, are you still trying to play in that stupid tournament?
Everything's always stupid to you, isn't it, Chris?
That's 'cause I know you, man.
You just want to go to that dumb-ass parade.
I can see your future,
and you are not going on a date with Miss Chinatown.
It's not about Miss Chinatown.
You just love the Miss Chinatown, though.
Well, at least I've got standards.
Is that what you're calling the Ten Commandments these days?
There are only eight, Chris.
You find an lvy League graduate who's over 5'6",
can sing, run a six-minute mile, and look good in a bikini,
and is interested in you,
there's still something wrong with her.
You think that's why I play in the tournament every year?
Does Yao Ming like Chinese food?
Oh, my God, you're so stupid.
Listen, genius, this is how it works, okay?
I play in the tournament. Then I win the tournament.
Now, all the Chinese parents out there,
they get really excited,
and they put their kids in our classes,
which Mom teaches.
Then they buy the gear in our store.
And ultimately, that gives us money to pay for the Wheaties
you stick up your ass every morning.
It is Marketing 101.
Wow, did you come up with that yourself?
Shut up.
Chris, you need to get a job.
And I'm not talking about
hawking cell phones at the mall, okay?
I'm talking about a real job,
so you can make some real money
so you can move your ass out of the house
and maybe just stop living over the garage
like some sort of yellow Fonzie.
There's some admin work over at the hospital.
All the time I've known you...
No, I ain't going to work in no hospital, please.
Well, dude, figure it out, okay,
'cause I'm tired of hearing it from Ma and Pa all the time.
Well, now you know how I feel.
No, I don't, 'cause this is not my fault, Chris.
Hey, this whole effed-up situation is your fault.
Oh, please, elaborate.
You're just a terrible driver, dog.
Ow.
That was going in, man.
You ever see you drive, huh?
- At least I got a car. - Ma!
(Michael) Yeah, call for Mama.
"Stop."
(C-Dub) Ow.
Yeah, homey.
You don't think if I was 7'6" like Yao Ming,
that I wouldn't be dunking on fools all over the place, man?
I mean, even if I was just 6'6", you know?
I mean, and not to say that if I was black or white that,
you know, I'd be the next, you know, Kobe Bryant
or Manu Ginobili, you know, but...
all I'm saying is that I'd be at least a Moochie Norris,
you know, or at least a Mark Madsen,
at the very least, you know?
Chinese people are just not meant
to be tall, man, you know?
We're good at badminton, fencing, stuff like...
I don't know.
You know, like gymnastics and [...], man, Ping-Pong.
Ah!
[Hip-hop music]
(C-Dub) Man, we should be running some ball right now, feel me?
(Felix) I feel you.
(C-Dub) Take it from me, man.
Unless you want to become the Chinese Napoleon Dynamite,
get out of Ping-Pong.
Got it?
(Felix) Got it.
(C-Dub) I'm just here 'cause my moms is hurt.
Otherwise, I'd be taking it to the hole, man,
crossing fools over.
Did I ever tell you about that championship game at district?
Man, it was awesome.
There was this half-court shot, man.
It was like football field delivery, man.
(man) Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Chubby, let me show you the backhand serve.
(C-Dub) Ah, hey, I got this. I got this.
(man) Sure thing, coach.
(C-Dub) Free Willy, man, you working too hard, man.
You don't need to swing it like a baseball bat, man.
Just chop it, all right?
(William) Thanks.
(Felix) That's awesome.
Teach me too.
(C-Dub) Class is over, F-Bomb.
What did I tell you anyway?
You better start working on your jump shot.
(Felix) Please?
I'll give you $10.
[Cash register dings]
[Grunting]
(William) Whoo!
(C-Dub) Game over, man, game over.
(Felix) Again. Again.
(C-Dub) Aw, come on, man.
I got to get going.
(Felix) Please?
(C-Dub) All right, you talked me into it.
(Felix) Yes.
(Howard) You have a reputation for being sort of hard on the children.
Why is that?
(C-Dub) Look, I'm just trying to keep it real, all right?
I'm trying to teach them life lessons, you know,
so they don't have to go through all the pain
and humiliation and suffering
that I had to go through, you know what I'm saying?
(Howard) What do you mean by "suffering"?
(C-Dub) You know, man, you think my parents supported my dream
of becoming the first Chinese player in the NBA?
Man, hell, no, man, it was always about, you know,
"Go study, hit the books," man, "Go play violin."
(Howard) And you feel that held you back?
(C-Dub) Hell, yeah, man.
I mean, dude, look at my one Chinese brother, man.
His parents made him play the accordion for ten years, man.
Look at what happened to him.
(Howard) What happened?
(C-Dub) Homey's in tech support now, man.
It hurts me, dog. It hurts me.
(Howard) I'm sorry.
(C-Dub) Don't touch me.
Aw, yeah.
(Felix) Hey.
What you doing?
(C-Dub) Man, I'm just trying to holler at some honeys.
Feel me?
(Felix) You mean that girl?
(C-Dub) Hey, don't point like that.
(Felix) That's not a honey. That's my sister.
(C-Dub) For real?
Damn, man, all this time,
why didn't you tell me your sister was a hottie?
(Felix) Ew.
(C-Dub) Hey, she isn't one of those girls
that only dates white boys, is she?
You want to help a brother out?
(Felix) Okay.
(C-Dub) Just tell your sister about Ping-Pong class
and how cool your teacher is and stuff, all right?
(Felix) All right.
(C-Dub) But don't be obvious or nothing.
Just tell her, like, you know, how your day went and all that
and your teacher just happens to be
this really cool guy; got it?
Oh, good-looking too. Don't forget that.
And good at basketball.
(Felix) Got it.
(C-Dub) All right. My ninja.
My ninja.
(man #1) I want it.
(man #2) You deserve it.
(C-Dub) A- Train, hand over that PSP and go with B-Diddy over here.
Hey, what did I tell you about eating dried squid in class?
Man, you got to take that outside.
(Felix) That's him.
He's awesome.
(C-Dub) What you doing, dog?
(Felix) That's Henry. He's from Manila.
(C-Dub) Yeah, so?
(Felix) He said he's better than everyone at Chinese school.
That's why he doesn't take Ping-Pong here.
I said you could beat him.
(C-Dub) Come on, man. I got a class to teach, man.
Plus, you know I haven't really played in a little while.
(Felix) Please?
I'll give you some money.
(C-Dub) Ooh.
What if I lose?
(Felix) You can still have it.
(C-Dub) All right, hold up a second.
Free Willy, Adam.
What you doing, dog?
Don't you know that "boba" is Chinese for "boob"?
You know why?
You drink enough of it,
that's what you're going to get, man boobs.
Is that what you want?
Is it?
All right, you're going to be my scorekeeper.
Watch and learn, all right?
(William) All right.
[C-Dub laughs]
Game over, sucker.
Kablamo!
(Felix) We showed him.
All the way back to Chan Marino.
You got any more friends?
[Hip-hop music]
[Man rapping] You got to rock to the rhythm with 'em.
Got to give it to 'em.
Got to give a lot more than the minimum.
Rock to the rhythm with 'em.
Got to give it to 'em.
Got to give a lot more, more, more.
Yo, wake up, wake up.
It's a new day now.
Side step, right, left,
move when I break down.
How I get down?
Make 'em all sit down.
Either that or have them hurrying to skip town.
Yeah, you're just like good tobacco,
'cause I just put you in my pipe and smoked you.
[Cackling]
There you go.
Yeah, hey, time to go to bed, old man.
[Laughing]
Thanks for your business.
A pleasure to serve you.
Who's next?
(Felix) That's it.
(C-Dub) That's it?
Come on, man. That's like barely 40 bucks.
Man, where are all your rich friends?
[Men whispering indistinctly]
(C-Dub) You got something to say, come say it to my face.
(man #1) You're a real boon to the sport of table tennis.
You're using your mom's class to hustle suckers.
What did you say about my mama?
All he's saying is, maybe these students
deserve someone a little more qualified.
Oh, you know, all right, let's go.
Come on, what you want to play for?
Please; whatever happened to playing for sport?
All right, you know what?
I got a few minutes to kill.
Booyah.
(man #1) Take my coat.
(man #2) Oh, that's a bad China word.
Okay, first to 11 wins.
(C-Dub) Skunk at 7.
- Come on, C-Dub. - Do it. Booyah!
Two more points.
I think I smell skunk.
(man #1) Smells pretty good to me.
Sorry, chum.
I got some more important business to attend to.
Oh, he's walking away.
Gee, I'm shocked.
(C-Dub) F-Bomb, finish up with this fool.
(Felix) Can we switch scores?
No.
(C-Dub) Hi, how you doing?
(woman) Hi.
(C-Dub) Yeah, I seen you around.
You play Ping-Pong?
Are you the instructor,
the guy that's been stealing my brother's allowance?
Oh, wait, wait, hold on. No, no, no.
You got the wrong dude.
That's the guy you want.
(woman) That kid?
(C-Dub) He's like a Ping-Pong prodigy or something.
- I'm serious. - Really?
Yeah, he was on the news the other day, man.
News lady said he's, like, a genius or something.
(woman) Okay, thanks.
[Scooter engine buzzing]
[Slow hip-hop music]
[Man rapping] I like, I like, I like cereal.
Don't put the box away; I'm about to have me some more.
My favorite kinds was made by Meneral Gills.
Big spoon, big bowl, I got minimal spills.
I ain't finished about yet.
In a minute, I will.
While I'm getting my cartoon,
it comes from cinema thrills.
I be watching Master Killer chomping 'Zilla Vanilla.
Maybe grape, that's the one that had the purple gorilla.
I crunch, Chumpster Hunch Munch,
watch the Dukes doing stunt jumps.
[Mr. Wang speaking indistinctly]
Christopher...
(Michael) Christopher?
You got to be kidding.
(Mrs. Wang) Why not?
He has enough free time now.
(Michael) Ma, no way.
No way.
All he does is play video games and read comic books all day.
No way.
(Michael) Ma, this wasn't my fault.
(Michael) Booyah!
(C-Dub) Man, I'm telling you, man,
if I was just one inch taller, man,
I'd be dunking all the time, man.
Tomahawk, windmill, 360-degree peanut butter and jam sandwich.
Uh!
[Kids shouting indistinctly]
(C-Dub) Yeah, so we going to run another game orwhat?
We can take these jabronis.
(Felix) Can't. I gotta go.
(C-Dub) Where?
(Felix) Birthday party.
I don't even want to go.
(C-Dub) Well, then, don't go.
(Felix) My sister's making me.
(C-Dub) Man, and another thing, man.
Why you have to go all off and tell your sister
about what we were doing, man?
I thought we was tight.
(Felix) You said to tell her about Ping-Pong class.
(C-Dub) That means telling her that you play Ping-Pong,
not that you play Ping-Pong for money.
Just tell her that you made all that up, all right?
(Felix) I'm not as good at lying as you are.
(C-Dub) Hold up; Why you got to be hurtful, man?
I'm not asking you to lie, man.
I'm just asking you to finesse the truth.
You got it?
(Felix) Okay.
So where this party at, man?
(boy #1) Geometrically speaking,
the probability of striking all ten pins is highest
when the ball enters formation at a 45-degree angle.
(boy #2) That didn't work.
(boy #1) Perhaps I should try launching with more force.
Thud!
[C-Dub laughing]
It's a shame, isn't it?
What's that, the nerds?
(man) Matter of speaking, yes.
(C-Dub) The birthday boy guy,
he's the biggest nerd of them all.
(man) Yes, my son, the biggest nerd.
Oh, I didn't mean it like that.
(man) No, no, no, it's quite all right.
It's a thing with my son.
What good is it being able to play Rachmaninoff at age six
if you don't have an audience to play for, huh?
(C-Dub) Hey, man, I don't mean no disrespect,
but he ain't going to make no friends warming a piano bench.
You know what I'm saying?
(man) You have a point.
Oh, D.B. Reddy.
C-Dub.
I'm here with my boy, Felix.
(D.B.) Oh.
(C-Dub) Speak of the devil.
(Felix) What's up?
(C-Dub) Yo, yo, yo.
Yeah, F-Bomb, eh, this is Prabakar's dad.
(D.B.) Hello, Felix. Welcome.
Please, make yourself comfortable.
There's some pepperoni pizza.
(Felix) Cool, thanks.
(D.B.) Amazing.
This boy, he is your...
(C-Dub) That's my basketball homey.
(D.B.) Oh, you're his basketball teacher.
(C-Dub) Uh, I actually teach him Ping-Pong
at the Chinese school.
(D.B.) Ah, is that your primary occupation?
(C-Dub) No, no, no.
I'm actually getting ready to start up a business
with a friend of mine, you know?
We're going to press some comic books,
start our own clothing line.
You know, entrepreneurial-type stuff.
(D.B.) Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
(C-Dub) Yeah.
I was just like you starting out,
less than $100 in my pocket when I came from India.
And now I own my own textile company.
(C-Dub) That's tight, man.
That's like kitchen tiles and stuff?
Oh, no, no, no.
Textiles as in fabric for clothing and shoes.
(C-Dub) Oh, oh, my bad.
(D.B.) No, it's quite all right, my friend.
Well, I wish you luck in your endeavors.
I think you have what it takes.
(C-Dub) Yo, for real?
You think I could roll like you?
Listen, most people underestimate
the social skills needed to succeed in business.
Prabakar doesn't need more math classes.
He needs to learn to socialize,
to be a kid.
Yeah, so I ask you,
would you take on my son as one of your disciples?
(C-Dub) Disciple?
(Prabakar) Yeah!
(C-Dub) I like the sound of that.
[D.B. Laughing]
Prepare for practice games, y'all.
What do I do, Coach Chris?
(C-Dub) Call me C-Dub.
- L... - Oh, you know what?
I got a better idea.
Call me sifu.
Yes, sifu.
I've done some studying on the physics of table tennis.
(C-Dub) Practice. Don't talk.
See that over there?
That's for you.
Practice until you can hit it back to yourself ten times...
(Prabakar) That should be quite...
In a row.
[Man clears throat]
I've been watching you.
I think you could be a brilliant paddler.
(Felix) Paddler?
(man) It's Felix, right?
(Felix) Yeah.
(man) Your forehand smash could use a bit of tinkering,
and your teacher's been rather busy.
Anyway, I am opening a new school in a couple of weeks,
all brand-new tables.
You should come down, check it out.
Here, you know what?
Take a couple. Put them in your pocket.
Give them to your parents.
(C-Dub) Hey, hey, hey.
Don't be passing out no porno to none of my kids, yo.
(man) No worries, m'laddo.
Just offering a little friendly advice to my buddy here.
Yeah, we ain't buying your opium around here.
Sure thing, Chrissie.
(William) Booyah!
'Sup with Prince Charles, man?
You got a question you can't ask me?
(Felix) I can't smash it like you.
(C-Dub) Let me see.
Free Willy, balls.
(William) All right.
(C-Dub) Dog, you got no energy in your swing, man.
Pull your arm back like this.
Angle it down like that, all right?
Now swing away, all right?
Like that, okay?
Free Willy, come on, man.
You're going to get chocolate all over the balls, man.
Ain't you tell me your dad sent you here to lose weight?
Then why you keep bringing candy to class, man?
I got a rep to uphold.
All right, just remember what I showed you
and keep flapping them back, okay?
All right, here we go.
Remember that angle.
There you go.
Come on, smack that sucker.
Tell that white boy who's boss.
(William) Ow.
[Man rapping indistinctly over headphones]
(man) Speaking of the competition,
are you entering Miss Chinatown this year?
Because if you don't mind me saying so,
you're certainly beautiful enough to win.
(J.P.) C- Dub in the hizzouse.
Yo, J.P., money, money, money, money, money.
What's up?
Speaking of which, I was just telling my boy Felix,
we got a little cash money game going on across the street.
Some of my boys swinging by.
Come run with.
- Yeah. - Oh, no, man.
I just finished class, man.
(J.P.) Hold up.
Now you too tired from playing Ping-Pong?
Coaching, dog.
Responsibility's tiring.
Always one good excuse after another from balling, man.
I haven't seen you on a court since JV.
Aw, man, come on, you know that ain't true, man.
You're too busy working to see me in action anyway.
(J.P.) Come on, Orient Express.
I mean, this is easy money.
It's just my boy Kev and a bunch of old geezers.
(C-Dub) Really? Like how old-old?
(J.P.) Man, I don't know.
They're like grandpas and [...].
My bad, homey.
(C-Dub) All right, fine. Let's roll.
[Man rapping] This is a wake-up call to all my hustlers on the block
trying to make some ball.
(J.P.) See, I told you, dog. We got this.
(man) J.P., what's up, boy?
(J.P.) What's up, homey?
This is my boy, C-Dub, I was telling you about.
(man) J.P. Tells me about this last-second shot you hit
at district back in the day.
(C-Dub) Yeah, back in the day.
(J.P.) $30 to the winner, right?
(man) Yo, $40. You still owe me In-N-Out.
(J.P.) Oh, we gonna serve you a Double-Double.
Just you wait.
(man) Yo, let me hydrate first.
Then we run.
(J.P.) Whatever.
(C-Dub) Hey, yo, man, I just want to let you know, man,
I haven't played in a couple weeks.
(J.P.) Felix said you played last week.
Don't sweat it, playa. You got this.
(C-Dub) All I'm saying is, man,
can't expect my regular 20-10 game, that's all.
(J.P.) When we clean these fools out, Cinnabon's on me.
Cinnabons, baby.
[Hip-hop music playing]
[Man rapping] Yo, I wish I was a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had a girl who looked good.
I would call her.
Wish I was a baller.
I wish I had, I wish I had a 6-4 lmpala.
Got to get tall.
Got to touch trees.
Got to show my hometown it ain't anything.
Got to live large with a black car.
Got to get my mom and dad a brand-new yard.
Let's pretend I was seven-tré, built like a tree
and a guy from east end, and my man, Yao Ming,
got more bottle 'cause I'm living tall Gs.
I'll be a model for a can of green beans.
You think it's funny, but it ain't when you're broke.
It's like that when the alarm is reset.
Try and sign a deal but don't drop the soap.
If I roll a few feet, then I know that there's hope.
I wish I was a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had a girl who looked good.
I would call her.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had, I wish I had a 6-4 lmpala.
Yo, I wish, wish, wish.
Wish, wish, wish, wish.
(C-Dub) Dad, dude, calm down, man.
Take it easy, man.
That money's for you and Mom, man.
I was saving it to fix the car, man.
(C-Dub) Michael don't even have a girlfriend, man.
He's always trying to get them ugly-ass Miss Chinatowns.
But he has a good job.
And he's responsible.
I'm running your class, ain't I?
What else I got to do, become Ping-Pong king?
Yeah, right.
Okay?
(C-Dub) Fine.
They're never cute.
They always look like newscasters
cruising for prom dates.
Hey, remember that cross-eyed one last year?
Hey, she looked like a Chinese Lassie.
[Cackling]
Oh!
Nice mailbox.
(woman) Nice ride.
Zero to 30 in 8-flat.
Mm-hmm.
(C-Dub) So I'm telling you, man.
She's just mad jocking me from the start, man.
How's that?
(C-Dub) The eyes, smoldering.
(woman) Genius child-prodigy Ping-Pong teacher, huh?
[C-Dub snickers]
Yeah.
That was kind of funny.
Yeah, so is Felix home?
(woman) What do you want? He's doing his homework.
(J.P.) All right, playa, so you got your game face on, huh?
(C-Dub) Yeah, so you know, she's all up in my grill, man,
trying to get up close, man.
And I said, "Wait a damn minute now."
No one takes a ride on the Orient Express
without paying for a ticket.
I just wanted to give the little man his money back.
Got caught?
Hey, look, lady, I'm just trying to be nice.
I won that money fair and square.
You think taking money from old people and third graders
is fair and square?
Come on, she gonna take a ride on the Orient Express?
Hey, wait, don't go jumping the line now, man.
First, all right, she starts giving me the sweet talk, right?
Talking about how little F-Bomb looks up to me and [...].
Aw, that's so sweet.
(woman) You know, I tried to get my parents
to make him stop going to your class,
but he convinced them you're, like,
his best friend or something.
F-Bomb said that?
(woman) Just shows how mature you are.
Your best friend is still in elementary school.
[Laughs mockingly]
You're so funny.
You're just lucky he's the only boy in our family.
My parents spoil him.
Yeah, well, maybe they know what's good for him.
Hey, better me teaching him than some pasty Hugh Grant wannabe.
Yeah, I saw y'all talking to him.
Hey, we don't talk to no...
They are the enemy.
Please, like I chose to have him breathing on me
and shoving his flyers in my face.
Someone's got to put that guy on a bus.
Hey, I feel you on that.
(woman) So why don't you,
if you're so offended by him taking your students?
Well, maybe I will.
Good.
- Yeah. - Go ahead.
- All right. - Get on it.
Hey, I'm on it. Feel me?
No, thanks.
Hey, you know, we got some room in the class
if you want to swing on by, you know?
Or I could give you some private lessons on the side.
You and me and Ping-Pong.
We could leave F-Bomb at my mom's house.
(J.P.) If my sorry-ass manager don't lay off the Saturdays...
No, I don't... What's this?
(C-Dub) My treat, dog.
(J.P.) Well, I like the sound of that.
(C-Dub) Oh, sure.
Nice.
Hey, you know, I let you down on the court the other day, man.
These are good when they're hot, man.
(J.P.) Absolutely.
(C-Dub) Listen, I didn't want you to think
I was pulling a Latrell Sprewell,
so I didn't say nothing.
My knee was acting up, man.
(J.P.) Yeah, well, ain't no thing.
Those guys were just better, that's all.
(C-Dub) Those geezers?
Hey, come on, man, be real.
You know if my knee was 100% % %...
(J.P.) Your knee has never been 100% % %, man.
(C-Dub) What's that supposed to mean?
(J.P.) You just ain't a baller, man.
(C-Dub) Man, if you mad about losing that money, man, hey...
(J.P.) Dude, I knew I was going to lose that money.
(C-Dub) You set me up, man?
Double betting on the side, man?
Come on, money.
You know you can count me in on that...
(J.P.) No, dog, it's not like that.
I was just trying to help you
face up to your real skills, that's all.
(C-Dub) My real skills?
(J.P.) Yeah, look, we tight and all,
but if I got to hear about your genetic disadvantage,
otherwise I'm gonna be in the NBA bull[...]
One more time, I swear to God,
I'm going to have to kill somebody.
I mean, even if you're 8 feet tall
with a 12-pack, man,
you ain't never going to be no Kobe Bryant.
Come on.
What?
Hey, C, come on, man.
[Cell phone beeps]
(C-Dub) Hey, you got something to say, just say it, man.
(J.P.) I just think you should cut the wannabe crap, man.
I mean, we're still going to be homies.
Hey, you think this is about impressing you, man?
Look at you, man, salary man,
9:00 to 5:00, tied to the desk,
playing ring around the water cooler.
You the one always talking about the next big scheme, man.
And Mr. Entrepreneur don't even have a business card.
I see.
So the best defense is a good offense, huh?
Look, all I'm saying, man,
better a wannabe than a bean counter.
Better a bean counter than a loser.
Hey, a loser is someone who gives up the game, all right?
No, no, a loser's somebody who's got so many excuses
they never get in the game in the first place.
Hey, you really want to play this?
How about this then?
A loser's someone who takes Chinese class for three years
and is still scared to order dinner at Panda Express.
What? Who?
What? You think I'm afraid to use my Chinese?
Yeah.
Wait. Read my lips.
[Chortling]
Dog, dog, dog.
What? What'd I say?
Are you trying to tell me my basketball stinks?
Yeah, and?
All right, try this, man.
Right, right.
Hey, dog, that's harsh, man.
That's just harsh.
(Prabakar) Sifu, I read in my book
about the topspin you have to put on the ball
in order for it to have a higher probability...
Dog, before you start fretting about topspin,
you have to actually hit the ball first.
Ah, so one must...
Ah, t-t-t-t.
(man #1) Unscrew it.
(man #2) That's what I'm trying to do.
It's, like, welded.
(man #1) Unscrew the top. Unscrew the top.
- I tried the top. - No, the other top.
Listen, guys, you want to start your own school?
No problem.
But you cannot take our students.
(man #1) It's a free country.
Kids can choose their own school.
(man #2) Yeah, it's a free country.
My wife lets you practice here.
You cannot do this.
(man #1) Can't handle a little friendly competition.
Fine.
We'll go.
I'm sick of watching these kids waste their time
with Conan the babysitter anyway.
If they want real training,
they'll come learn from the real masters,
the ones who invented table tennis.
(Mr. Wang) The Chinese invented Ping-Pong.
(man #1) Still smoking the opium, old man?
That's so sad.
(Mr. Wang) Don't come back again.
Hey, yo, Wonder Bread.
Hey, you got a problem with my family,
you take it up with me.
(man #1) You know, I feel for your old man.
One son's a champion with a bum wrist,
and the other one is, um, you.
Hey, you come back here again, and I'm going to show you
my fists of fury in closeup, for real.
(man #1) I don't need to come back here,
because after I win the Golden Cock,
those kids are going to be begging me to teach them.
You know what?
You can take your dumb-ass school
and your raggety-ass fliers
and shove them up your mother[...] ass.
(man #1) Spoken like a true gentleman.
You know, I fancy a good parade every now and then,
don't you, Tom?
Plus, I hear Miss Chinatown, hot this year.
All right, look, I'll do it,
but you got to train me.
Michael's Ping-Pong tournament, I want to play.
Come on, man, don't pretend like you don't know
what I'm talking about, man.
I heard y'all talking in the kitchen
about how you want me to play.
I just want you to know I'm willing to represent.
What?
The store?
Hold up; you don't think I got the chops
to hold down the store?
Man, I could work the cash register, Dad.
I'm not an idiot.
Don't worry. We'll manage.
Yeah, how?
I mean, no one in our family plays.
No one represents.
Mom don't get students.
You don't get sales.
But you don't need my help.
Fine.
Man, I can't remember the last time
I came up with an idea
and you said, "Good idea, Chris."
Hey, remember that time
you connect the TV and the massage chair
with the remote control?
That was pretty good.
Man, whatever. Forget it.
I'll train myself.
[Bell dings]
[Triumphant music plays]
Yeah.
(Felix) Why did you have to cancel class?
Sorry, grasshoppers.
I can't be honing my skills at the same time
I'm teaching y'all Ping-Pong 101.
(William) So? We'll watch you.
(C-Dub) No can do.
(Prabakar) Then we'll help you.
No disciple would abandon his sifu.
(C-Dub) Look, that's all good, Prabakar,
but this calls for ninja mode, not sifu mode.
I got to work on my drills, skills, and kills.
See, I can't be stopping to take attendance.
(William) Why not? Why can't we run with?
Dude, calm down. You'll survive.
(Felix) No, we won't.
(boy) If you cancel classes,
my mom will make me take calligraphy.
(Felix) My parents will put me in S.A.T. Prep.
(C-Dub) S.A.T. Prep?
You in, what, like sixth grade?
(Felix) Fourth.
For me, language lab.
Brush painting.
Origami.
Folk dance.
Music theory.
Flower arranging.
- Computer camp. - Test camp.
- Mental math. - Abacus.
- Boys' choir. - Boys' choir.
All right, fine. Let's roll.
[Upbeat soul music]
[Michael speaking a Chinese language]
What happens if you get stuck with this loan
for more than one year?
This is an adjustable rate mortgage.
I have a friend at City Federal...
I think it's actually a little bit better.
Okay, game over, grasshoppers.
(C-Dub) I already played a bunch of people.
It works.
Hey, a point is a point.
Don't worry about it. I'll manage.
I'll work it out.
(Mr. Wang) Why not now?
Christopher, I'm going to train you.
Really?
What about the store?
Mom can handle it.
Deal?
All right, but as part of the deal,
I don't want to hear no complaining
from you or mom either.
I mean, you know, nothing about the job,
you know, still living at home,
where's his girlfriend, none of that.
- Come on, man. - No way.
All right, all right, all right.
[Woman singing] Swing it, baby.
[Man singing] Let me take you higher, swing it.
I got that good foot moving.
Just gotta love the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop; keep moving.
Let me teach you how to swing.
Hey, I got that good foot moving.
Just gotta love the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop; keep moving.
Here we go.
Hey, here we go.
Let's move.
Here's a kid who learned to swing.
Getting love when trouble swings.
Got you in the mood, I'm like red wine.
Swing, baby, swing, 'cause tonight you're mine.
Let me make your whole world start to spin.
You're spending the night with an African.
I'm on the good foot as long as I can.
Swing, baby, swing, let's swing, let's go.
[Crowd cheering on video game]
[Man rapping] Have fun, We're done, done, done.
Now stop.
[Video game beeping]
Let me teach you how to swing.
Hey, I got that good foot moving.
Just gotta love the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop; keep moving.
Let me teach you how to swing.
Hey, I got that good foot moving.
Just gotta love the way I swing.
Girl, move, don't stop; keep moving.
[Woman singing] Come on, teach me how to swing.
I got my body moving.
Just gotta love the way I move.
Boy, move, don't stop; keep swinging.
Come on, teach me how to swing.
I got your body moving.
Just gotta love the way I move.
Boy, move, don't stop; keep swinging.
Swing, baby, swing.
Oh, tell 'em.
(Howard) I'm still not clear
on the reason you chose Ping-Pong over basketball.
(C-Dub) Wait, look, look, look.
I didn't choose Ping-Pong over nothing, all right?
(Howard) Okay, well, it just seems like an odd decision.
(C-Dub) What is that supposed to mean?
(Howard) Well, I mean, we've been talking,
and it seems like you're trying to buck the stereotype
of the Asian community, yet Ping-Pong seems...
(C-Dub) Wait, like, I can't get in touch with my roots and stuff?
My family owns a Ping-Pong store, you know?
I mean, what do you even know
about the Asian or the Chinese experience anyway, man?
I mean, what's the last time you even had Chinese food, man?
(Howard) As a matter of fact, I had some last night.
It was B.S. Chang's.
It was a delightful meal.
(C-Dub) B.S. Chang's?
Dog, B.S. Chang's is about as Chinese as Charlie Chan, man.
B.S. Chang's ain't no real Chinese.
(Howard) Charlie Chan isn't Chinese?
Is that true?
You a dumb-ass mother[...], you know that?
Man, I'm getting it in, ain't I?
(Prabakar) Sifu, do we have to drill again after wind sprints?
(C-Dub) Yo, I'm training just like y'all, man.
Come on, little homies, what's up?
- Ping-Pong's not fun anymore. - Yeah.
Well, y'all ain't coming here to have fun.
You're here to learn.
(William) Well, I'm tired of learning.
(Felix) Can't we still, like, play games or something?
[Upbeat dance music]
[Man rapping] Pull a little something. This is how we does.
Follow step, step, but you catch a buzz.
At the back of the pool,
we be jigging till we nauseous.
Acting a dance fool like no one's really watching.
[Dance music continues]
[Man rapping] Do that, do that, do that, do that, do that.
Nine to five, overdrive.
Do that, do that, do that, do that, do it.
Dance.
Do that, do that, do that, do it.
[C-Dub shouting indistinctly]
I know, man, I know.
Come on, dog, man, it's just...
(Mr. Wang) Dog?
It's just an expression...
Come on, I'll practice an extra hour now.
Okay, just serves, okay?
[Sighs]
Dad!
You didn't bring him back on...
Where's the bike? Hit a fire hydrant?
(C-Dub) Very funny.
You know, it did make you look taller.
(C-Dub) I went to the mall after class.
(woman) Thanks, like he's not spoiled enough at home already.
(C-Dub) Later.
(woman) Hey, what happened to Mr. Smack?
Just ain't in the mood.
Mmm.
Stressed out, huh?
Stuff with your brother, right,
taking his place in the tournament?
(C-Dub) How you know about that?
(woman) My brother talks about you all the time.
It's not like I'm even trying to win this thing for myself.
I'm doing it for my family, man.
Ain't doing it so I can get no stupid parade
and ride around with Miss Chinatown and [...].
God, I hate that Miss Chinatown [...].
Yeah. Yeah.
It just perpetuates the whole idea of the exotic Asian women.
I mean, half the people that go see Miss Chinatown
aren't even Chinese.
(C-Dub) Yeah, I feel you on that. I feel you.
You know, a lot of those girls don't even speak Chinese.
(C-Dub) Serious?
That's what my whole dissertation is on,
the objectification and exoticizing of Chinese women.
Oh, that's tight.
So you in college, then?
Grad school.
Asian-American studies.
(C-Dub) Cool.
Anyway, I got to go make Felix ingest some protein.
Thanks for bringing him back.
(C-Dub) No worries.
Oh, are you going to the tournament next weekend?
(woman) Um, dissertation.
But maybe I'll try to make... stop by.
What?
Christopher.
Oh, hell no.
All right, look, man, hey, I said
I was going to play in the tournament,
but I didn't agree to wear no damn Daisy Dukes.
(Mr. Wang) Daisy what?
(C-Dub) Man, why I got to wear those?
This is standard Ping-Pong clothes.
All competitors wear these.
Man, Michael didn't have to wear these.
Son of a [...].
It's Cheryl, not Shee-lo,
Cheryl Davis, regional administrator.
(woman) Regional administ...
You can just say I'm the boss.
You understand boss, right?
Boss? Right?
You know, "You're fired!"
Boss.
[Record scratches]
(C-Dub) Hey, man, make sure your sister
don't see me in these tight-ass shorts, man.
And I don't mean like tight-tight, you hear me?
(William) Word.
(Felix) Look.
(C-Dub) That's tight, man.
My ninjas.
[J.P. Laughing]
[Clears throat]
- Dog... - Not one word.
What are you doing here anyway?
You going to tell me my Ping-Pong stinks?
Now, come on, man.
I came here 'cause I got your back.
[Woman over loudspeaker] Round one will begin in five minutes.
Competitors, please report to your tables.
(C-Dub) All right, man, let's do this thing.
Aw, yeah, what's up?
[Upbeat electronic music]
[Man singing] Whistling here, whistling there.
Whistling almost everywhere.
Whistling up, whistling down.
Whistling while I turn around.
Whistling here, whistling there.
Whistling almost everywhere.
Whistling up, whistling down.
Whistling while I turn around.
I can't believe it.
One mother[...] match, and it's already over.
Prince Charles is going to win.
Maybe I'll see you later?
(C-Dub) What's that supposed to mean, man?
Like you're trying to kick me while I'm down?
Like you think that just 'cause you win one stupid game
that you're like my master and commander or something?
(boy) No, no, that's not what I meant.
(C-Dub) You think that just 'cause I'm Chinese
that I'm going to be a passive, non-aggressive mother[...]?
Hey, hold me back, man, hold me back.
(boy) Please, I just meant that maybe
I'll see you later in the elimination round, man.
(C-Dub) Come again?
(boy) The first half of the day, man,
round robin, man, round robin.
- You mean I'm still in? - Yes.
(C-Dub) Dog, why didn't you just say so?
[Music continues]
[Man singing] Whistling here, whistling there.
Whistling almost everywhere.
Whistling up, whistling down.
Whistling while I turn around.
Whistling here, whistling there.
Whistling almost everywhere.
Whistling up, whistling down.
Whistling while I turn around.
[Woman over loudspeaker] First elimination begins in ten minutes.
All scorers report to officials' table.
(Michael) You can't expect him to change overnight, Ma.
The good thing is, he's finally following through for once.
(C-Dub) Hey, that was... that was in, man.
Hey, it glanced off the side of the table, man.
Did you see it change angle, man?
Dude, it glanced off the table, man.
Did you see it? It changed angle, man.
Didn't you see it?
Give me that.
(Michael) Come on, Chris.
Go back and change the score, man.
That was a deuce.
We can play that again. That's a deuce.
Hey, what are you doing, man?
What are you doing, going back to your chair, man?
Ya!
Man, that last game was bull[...], man.
That mother[...] ref is blind as a mother[...]...
How would you know, man?
You don't even go to any of my games, man.
Middle school, JV...
You're too old to remember.
I'm talking about Ping-Pong.
[Screaming]
Man, what are you ragging on me for, man?
I'm doing this for you and Mom, man.
I don't even want to be here.
[Triumphant music playing]
(Michael) Actually had some lucky draws.
That last guy was a...
(J.P.) You feel me?
That's tight.
I like that.
It's very nice.
[Woman speaking a Chinese language]
[Man rapping] We're coming correct, you got to be hectic.
The people are jumping 'cause they're feeling electric.
But give me a second to reject the strike.
Respect the rock beat, people, I'm the psycho.
Zap the bottle, twist the cap,
tip the bottle back, and relax,
as you get whack, it's just a fact.
Nobody does it better than us,
and we get so stupid
that we got to ride the short bus.
Who rock the party? We rock the party.
Never gonna, never gonna give up now.
[Indistinct hip-hop music]
Uh!
[Music continues]
[Man rapping] Who wants to party? We want to party.
'Cause tonight the party don't stop.
Who wants to party? We want to party.
'Cause tonight the party don't stop.
(C-Dub) Take that one back to your master.
Ah!
Booyah!
You're next!
[Man singing] We want to party.
'Cause tonight the party don't stop.
Who wants to party? We want to party.
I got it going on. A-give me what you got.
Who wants to party? We want to party.
'Cause tonight the party don't stop.
Who wants to party? We want to party.
Never gonna, never gonna...
(J.P.) You got this.
(C-Dub) These goddamn shorts, man.
(Prabakar) Sifu.
(C-Dub) What's up, little Gs? Where you been at?
(Prabakar) I've taken the liberty
of outfitting the shoes you threw away.
I've modified them to include
a hybrid rubber molding on the side
as well as helium pockets designed specifically to enhance
your jump-smashing style of play.
(C-Dub) P.B. Rizzle, my own shoes.
My own nickname.
(C-Dub) I mean, can I wear these, though?
I mean, is it, like, regulation shoes?
(Prabakar) Regulation?
(C-Dub) You know, like the shorts and stuff.
(Prabakar) According to the American Table Tennis Federation,
there is no standard uniform.
(C-Dub) Are you kidding me?
You mean all these fools wear this [...] by choice?
Son of a...
[woman over loudspeaker] Christopher Wang,
please report for the championships presentation.
Christopher Wang.
(Mr. Wang) Hey!
(C-Dub) I got this. I got this, man.
I was listening to you, man.
No matter what happens, Ping-Pong is like life.
It's not the quick sprint that matters.
It's...
(Mr. Wang) Just kick his ass.
(Mr. Wang) Booyah.
(C-Dub) Booyah.
[Hip-hop music playing]
[Man rapping] I got this feeling, man.
I got it, I got it.
You'll never understand.
You know, uh, you know, uh,
you know the place to be... on top, on top,
right next to Booker T.
Let's play, ha-ha.
(Cheryl) Welcome, everyone, to the championship match
of the Golden Cock Ping-Pong Championship.
[Applause]
You know, people ask me,
"Cheryl, how does a girl from lowa end up directing an event
sponsored by the Chinese Community Center?"
And I just say to them,
"Me love a-Ping-Pong long time."
[Man laughing]
So our first competitor, representing
the new Harcourt International Institute of Table Tennis
of West Covina,
Gerald Harcourt.
[Applause]
And his challenger, challenging for the title,
representing Ping-Pong Palace,
Christopher Wang.
Excuse me.
Christopher "C-Dub" Wang.
[Cheers and applause]
Three games for the match.
The first to 11 wins.
Good luck, gentlemen.
[Woman speaking a Chinese language]
(Cheryl) Christopher Wang to serve.
Oh.
C-Dub, come on, you can do better than that, baby.
[Cheers]
(C-Dub) Downtown to Chinatown, uh!
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you get a point?
(C-Dub) So fast, you missed it.
Son of a...
(Cheryl) Game one to Gerald Harcourt.
Harcourt leads one to zero.
[Woman speaking a Chinese language]
(Cheryl) Gerald Harcourt to serve.
(C-Dub) Ha-ha, who wants to play some whack-a-fool?
That all you got, weak nut?
[Cheering]
Ah! Like that?
Yeah, baby.
[Men singing] Make some noise, make noise.
(C-Dub) Aw, yeah, yeah. Come on.
Where my peoples at?
P.B. Rizzle!
[Cheering]
No mercy.
That's my son.
He also plays piano.
Rachmaninoff, no problem.
(C-Dub) Better bow down to the new master.
Ah!
[Men singing] Make some noise, make noise.
Go.
(J.P.) Thing of beauty. So pretty.
That's all you, baby.
Game point, Wang.
[Cheering]
(C-Dub) What time is it?
(kids) Game time!
(Cheryl) Game 2 to Christopher Wang.
Game tied 1 to 1.
Lost your collar, dog?
If you're looking for your owner,
he's standing right here.
Tom, what do you do
with a dog that barks too much?
(Tom) P-T-S.
(C-Dub) Oh, that's right, you're putting everyone to sleep.
(Gerald) It's his best weapon, you know.
Chinese chatter torture.
[Woman speaking a Chinese language]
(Cheryl) Christopher Wang to serve.
I hope you're hungry, 'cause I'm getting ready
to serve you some Chinese take-out.
Oh, who's smoking the opium now, Sir Chokes-a-Lot?
Stuff that in your knickers, blue boy.
(Gerald) Miss Davis, many, many rules
have been flaunted during this match:
The showboating, the profanity.
But this I simply cannot let slide.
Under section 4-F of the ATTF rulebook,
it clearly states that unsportsmanlike conduct
may be defined as.:
(Tom) "Baiting, tounting"...
(Gerald) Taunting.
(Tom) There's a U.
(Gerald) "Baiting, taunting, or any other act
"designed to embarrass, ridicule, or demean others
on the basis of race, gender, or national origin."
(C-Dub) You got to be kidding me.
(Gerald) Furthermore, it states that players who exhibit
unsportsmanlike conduct may face ejection.
Hold up, you calling me a racist?
(Cheryl) Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
(Gerald) I will not be a pawn in this forum
with these attacks on my national heritage.
(C-Dub) Dude, you're from, like, Encino.
(Gerald) I demand his ejection.
(C-Dub) Looking for the easy way out, huh?
(Tom) You're one to talk.
Someone get a cup of shut-up juice
for this mama-jama.
Mr. Wang, please do not speak Chinese.
The official language of the ATTF is American.
The committee will discuss this.
Please step away.
[Woman speaking a Chinese language]
(Cheryl) The committee has ruled on Mr. Wang's violation
of ATTF section 4.
Because this is a first infraction,
Mr. Wang will not be ejected.
However, he will be required to refrain
from all verbal ejaculations
for the remainder of the tournament.
(C-Dub) Verbal what?
(Gerald) What it means, old chum, is, you can't talk.
(C-Dub) Hold up, you know, I got a right to free speech,
especially when the subject of that speech
is a student-poaching, female-harassing,
SPF-50-wearing, Grey-Poupon-smearing mother...
Sir, you are one word away from disqualification.
One.
(Gerald) Was th...
Was there something you...
(Tom) He can't talk.
[Man rapping] Back on my feet.
My game is, my aim is
to get those that's painless, not brainless.
Say something mean.
I know you want to lash out.
Another reason I know that I got to get out.
It's over.
Yes, this is the end.
We don't need to be friends.
So once you get to know me.
Yes, it's over.
Yes, this is the end.
Yes, it's...
We don't need to be friends.
Lights out.
So why don't you get to walking?
It's on now.
You know, you're really unbelievable.
I mean,
you cheating me in things,
but I wasn't going to say nothing about this.
Serve the ball.
[Man rapping] You guys are being crazy.
Yes, this is the end.
Lights out.
We don't need to be friends.
So why don't you get to walking?
Yes, it's over.
Yes, this is the end.
We don't need to be friends.
So why don't you get to walking?
It's over now, uh.
(Cheryl) Injury time-out, five minutes,
pending medical review.
(woman) Shake it off, C-Dub.
(Michael) You know, he wouldn't have fallen
if his footwork was just a little bit neater.
(woman) He was airborne.
I don't think footwork was the issue.
(Michael) You'd be surprised.
(woman) You're the brother, aren't you?
(Michael) That's me. Do you play?
(woman) No.
(Michael) Would you like to learn?
(woman) Why does every guy I meet want to teach me Ping-Pong?
I hate to break it to you,
but it's not exactly a chick-magnet sport.
(Michael) Well, it's like that in America, but you know what?
In China, they would treat me like Michael Jordan.
(woman) Excuse me.
(woman) What happened to the posse?
(Felix) I'm too nervous.
(William) I feel like I want to throw up.
(woman) Suck it up.
C-Dub's out there sweating and bleeding.
Worse, he can't talk,
and you guys sit here like the see-no-evil monkeys?
(Prabakar) Perhaps you could suggest some cheers?
(woman) Do I look like a cheerleader to you?
Boys, let's show them what you got.
[Chanting in a Chinese language]
(Cheryl) Mr. Wang is cleared for play.
The final game will resume.
Harcourt leads 9 to 6.
[Crowd cheering]
[Cheering] Yes.
[Cheering]
(Cheryl) The score is tied.
Champion must win by 2 points.
[Cheering]
[Crowd cheering]
(Cheryl) Match point, Wang.
Harcourt to serve.
[Crowd cheering]
Ah!
Uh!
Ah.
Ah!
[Cheers and applause]
(Cheryl) Game and match to Christopher Wang.
[Cheers and applause]
(D.B.) He was fantastic, absolutely fantastic.
(Mr. Wang) That's my son.
Ah!
(Tom) Gerald, they're going to make you pay for that.
You want some tea?
I got the thermos open.
Yeah!
(Mrs. Wang) Edward, you're late.
We need a partner for Mrs. Lu.
Grab a paddle.
(Lin) Oh, you did that.
(William) Dad, hit it like this.
[Phone beeps]
Tell your dad the manufacturing deal's locked up.
All I need from you is to get those specs for those shoes.
(Prabakar) First thing tomorrow.
(J.P.) Word.
(C-Dub) Yo, yo.
(J.P.) What's up, homey?
(C-Dub) How's it feel to be off the leash, man?
(J.P.) Oh, it's all good, playa.
When you got a big dog like Rabakar's dad in the yard,
ain't no need to be sweating.
(C-Dub) Hey, heard that.
(Felix) Hey, do you want to play some basketball later?
We haven't played in forever.
(C-Dub) Sorry, dog.
I have to give my moms a ride home.
But I'll hit you up in the neighborhood later, all right?
(Felix) All right.
As long as your sister's home.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, Ma.
One last lesson.
Always watch your back!
[Woman speaking a Chinese language]
(C-Dub) How you doing?
Splat!
[Men rapping] I like, I like, I like cereal.
Don't put the box away; I'm about to have me some more.
I like, I like, I like cereal.
Don't put the box away; I'm about to have me some more.
Sitting at the table throwing fits at my mother.
Want my own box.
I don't want to split with my brother.
The one thing I hated to admit, he discovered.
Certain cereals will make the milk different colors.
If you took away my cereal, you heard screams.
I like Kaboom! 'cause it always made my poo turn green.
I make a scene in the store
and start to act disobedient
if sugar didn't come first in the ingredients.
Make my mom buy me some, no matter what it costed.
The best ones started with the same word, "frosted."
'Cause if it ain't sugary, it ain't no good.
I hate health food cereals.
They taste like wood.
I like, I like, I like cereal.
I eat my Wheaties for breakfast.
No one can mess with the champ.
I'm the champ. Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you for dinner.
I'm a champ. I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes that I see on TV.
I'm a champ, Mama said.
I'm a champ, Papa said.
I'm a champ, you'll see.
I'm a champ, goddamn.
I'm rated number one
at the top of the game.
Hey, the dynasty's begun.
Ain't no stopping this reign.
Better recognize the face,
start jocking the name.
With my whole line of shoes,
watch 'em walkin' the Js.
Oh, I'm something special, one of a kind.
Got my big bowl of Wheaties.
I was born to fly
Yes, I'm extra lifted, extra gifted.
I'm going down in history frozen in time.
Got trophies by the dozens
and medals to count.
And I'm on your television show and off my house.
Everybody wants to see me.
I'm the talk of the town.
Just the life of a champ.
Take a look at me now.
I eat my Wheaties for breakfast.
No one can mess with the champ.
I'm a champ. Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you for dinner.
I'm a champ. I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes that I see on TV.
I'm a champ, Mama said.
I'm a champ, Papa said.
I'm a champ, you'll see.
I'm a champ, goddamn.
I feel great in the morning
when I wake up.
I'm a man on a mission with no makeup.
I got lots to do today, like find the right girl,
get my oil changed, and take over the world.
See, everything you do, I bet I could do it better.
If you climb a hill, I'll climb the Staples Center.
If you say "what," then I'ma say "whatever."
And if you got the cheese,
then I'ma bring it better.
See, I don't even stop at a stop sign.
With a off rhyme, I can still sound dope on time.
I can sound proper. I can sound unsigned.
Don't step to your man. He's a land mine.
I eat my Wheaties for breakfast.
No one can mess with the champ.
I'm a champ. Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you for dinner.
I'm a champ. I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes that I see on TV.
I'm a champ, Mama said.
I'm a champ, Papa said.
I'm a champ, you'll see.
I'm a champ, goddamn.
Too short to be a baller, nope, let alone a starter.
Warming up the bench,
I got it hotter than a sauna.
Never getting called 'cause I was skinny like my mama.
Couldn't land a chick because my daddy sang opera.
Had a lot of time to think stuffed inside my locker.
Penny for my thoughts,
then I'd have a million dollars.
Didn't like to read, so I couldn't be a scholar.
Didn't like the coppers. Think a little harder.
Put it all together, and what did I see?
What? What could I be?
I could be an MC.
I ain't making money trees.
I'm just planting my seeds.
But I'm doing what I feel,
and that's a winner to me.
I eat my Wheaties for breakfast.
No one can mess with the champ.
I'm a champ. Oh, yes.
Today I'm a winner.
I'll eat you for dinner.
I'm a champ. I'm a champ.
God gave me talent.
I'm a super machine.
I'm better than the dudes that I see on TV.
I'm a champ, Mama said.
I'm a champ, Papa said.
I'm a champ, you'll see.
I'm a champ, goddamn.
Hi, I'm Gerald Harcourt
of the Harcourt Institute of Table Tennis of Canoga Park.
And, um, we're here to make learning table tennis a smash.
We've got four hands to perfect your forehands.
And you'll come back to learn the backhand.
Table tennis:
Truly a sport of kings and queens.
(Tom) I lob it.
(Gerald) Harcourt Institute of Table Tennis of Canoga Park.
You'll all lob it too.
(Tom) That's a... I think that was a good one.
(Gerald) I liked it. That was good.