All right! You guys, it's starting to snow.
And look, Ugly Naked Guy is hanging candy canes.
Where?
Oh. Well.
That's festive.
Guys, there's somebody I'd like you to meet.
Wait, wait. What is that?
-That's Marcel. Wanna say hi? -No, I don't.
-He's cute! Where'd you get him? -My friend Bethel saved him from a lab.
That is so cruel.
Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
That monkey's got a Ross on his ass.
Is he gonna live with you in your apartment?
Yeah. It's been kind of quiet since Carol left.
Why not get a roommate?
You reach a certain age, having a roommate is just kind of pathet...
That's "pathet." Sanskrit for "really cool way to live."
The One With the Monkey
I'm doing new material tonight.
I have 12 songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.
You might wanna open with the snowman.
-Hi, Joey. -Hey, buddy.
-So how'd it go? -I didn't get the job.
How could you not? You were Santa last year.
Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager.
He's not even jolly. It's all political.
-What are you gonna be? -One of his helpers.
It's just such a slap in the face, you know?
Do you know what you're doing for New Year's?
Hey, what? What is wrong with New Year's?
You have Paolo. You don't have to face the pressure...
...of finding lips to kiss when the ball drops!
Man, I'm talking loud!
Paolo's gonna be in Rome this New Year's.
-I'll be just as pathetic as you. -Yeah, you wish.
I've got an idea. Dinner.
It's perfect. We'll put it between lunch and breakfast.
I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday.
I say this year, we make a pact. Just the six of us. Dinner.
-Sure. -Fine.
I was hoping for more enthusiasm.
-Phoebe, you're on. -Oh, good.
Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand...
...Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Hi. Thanks. Hi.
I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me.
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitching
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's freezing
I feel a little sneezy
And now I... Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, noisy boys.
Is it something you'd like to share with the group?
No. No, that's okay.
If it's important enough while I'm playing...
...it's important enough for everyone else.
That guy's going home with a note.
-I was just saying... -Speak up.
Sorry, I...
I was saying you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.
And he said that Daryl Hannah...
...was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
I said I liked her in Splash, but not Wall Street.
I thought she had a hard quality.
While Daryl is beautiful in a conventional way...
...you are luminous with a kind of delicate grace.
Then that's when you started yelling.
We're gonna take a short break.
That guy's going home with more than a note.
Come here, Marcel. Sit here.
I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet.
By my sixth date with Paolo, he'd already named both my breasts.
Did I just share too much?
Just a smidge.
David's, like, a scientist guy. He's very methodical.
-I think it's romantic. -Me too!
Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
He's kind of like the guy I went to see that with.
Except he's smarter and gentler and sweeter.
I just wanna be with him all the time.
You know, day and night. And night and day.
And special occasions.
I see. You're gonna ask him to New Year's.
-She's gonna break the pact. -No! No, no.
No. Yeah, could I just...?
-Yeah. I already asked Janice. -What?
This was a pact! This was your pact!
I couldn't handle the pressure. I snapped!
But that was the worst breakup in history!
I'm not saying it was a good idea. I snapped!
Hi, sorry I'm late.
Too many jokes.
Must mock Joey.
Nice shoes, huh?
God, you're killing me!
Ross, he's playing with my spatulas again!
-He's not gonna hurt them, right? -Do you always have to bring him?
I didn't wanna leave him alone. We had our first fight this morning.
It has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean.
He threw some feces.
If you're working late, I can look in on him.
That would be great!
But make sure it seems like you're there to see him.
You're not doing it for me.
Okay. But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
But you can't actually test this theory.
Today's particle accelerators aren't powerful enough...
-...to simulate these conditions. -I have a question then.
-Yeah? -Do you plan on kissing me ever?
That's definitely a valid question, and the answer...
...would be yes. Yes, I was.
But I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss...
...at a phenomenal moment because it's you.
Sure.
The longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be.
Now, it's just gotta be one of those things where I...
...sweep everything off the table.
And I'm not really a sweeping sort of fella.
David, I think you are a sweeping sort of fella.
I mean, you're a sweeper trapped inside a physicist's body.
-Really? -I'm sure.
You should just do it. Just throw me.
-Now? -Yeah, right now. Just...
Okay. Okay. Okay.
You know what? This is really expensive.
And this was a gift.
-Now you're just tidying up. -Okay.
-You want me to throw you...? -I can hop.
Tell me something, what does "no-date pact" mean to you?
It's just that Chandler and Phoebe have somebody.
I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
-Your ex-boyfriend? -Yeah.
-You know more than one Fun Bobby? -I happen to know a Fun Bob.
-Okay. Here we go. -There's no room for milk.
There. Now there is.
So on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.
-Four. -Five.
Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
And I met this really hot single mom at the store.
What's an elf to do?
So I'll be the only one alone when the ball drops?
We'll have a big party, and no one will know who's with who.
I'll know. This is so not what I needed right now.
-What's the matter? -Oh, it's Marcel.
He's angry with me. I have no idea why. He keeps shutting me out.
He's walking around all the time, dragging his hands.
That's weird. I had a blast with him.
-Really? -We played, watched TV.
That juggling thing is amazing.
What juggling thing?
With the socks? I figured you taught him that.
No.
It wasn't that big a deal. Just socks. And a melon.
-Phoebe! -Max. Do you know everybody?
No. Have you seen David?
He hasn't been around.
If you see him, tell him to pack. We are going to Minsk.
-Minsk? -Minsk. It's in Russia.
I know where Minsk is.
We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
And if you're gonna do Minsk, that's the way to go.
-So when do you leave? -January 1st.
-Hello? -What? Hey. Hi.
-What are you doing here? -Max told me about Minsk.
Congratulations! This is so exciting!
It'd be even more exciting if we were going.
Oh, you're not going? Oh, why?
Tell her. "I don't wanna go...
...to work with Lipson, Yamaguchi and Flank.
I wanna stay and make out with my girlfriend!"
Okay, thank you, Max. Thank you.
So you're really not going?
I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just...
How can I leave you? I just found you.
Oh, David. But what are you gonna do?
I don't know. You decide.
-Don't do that. -But I'm asking you.
-I can't make a decision. Just... -Okay. Stay.
-Stay. -Stay.
Getting so good at that!
It was Max's stuff.
I love this artichoke thing.
Don't tell me what's in it. The diet starts tomorrow.
You remember Janice.
Vividly.
-How are you? -I am fantastic.
Now.
It's amazing. We've been back together for what...
-...like 10 minutes, and... -Is that all?
It's like we were never apart.
Of course, we were, but... Forgive and forget.
Well, forget.
-Hi. -Hi, I'm Sandy.
Sandy, hi. Come on in.
-You brought your kids. -Yeah. That's okay, right?
-Party! -That thing is not coming in here!
This is how you greet guests?
If I showed up with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome?
Your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
He was more embarrassed about that than anyone.
And for him to have the courage to walk back in here...
...like nothing happened...
All right. All right. Just keep him away from me.
Thank you. Come on, Marcel.
What do you say you and I mingle?
All right, I'll catch up with you later.
Oh, my gosh! Rachel, honey, are you okay?
-Where's Paolo? -Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
And then your face exploded?
No.
Okay. I was at the airport getting into a cab...
...when this woman, this blond planet with a pocketbook...
...starts yelling. Something about how it was her cab first.
The next thing, she just starts pulling me out by my hair!
And I was blowing my attack whistle thingy...
...and three more cabs show up.
So as I'm going to get into a cab, she tackles me!
And I hit my head on the curb and cut my lip on my whistle.
Everybody having fun at the party?
-Are people eating my dip? -Yes.
There.
-That looks okay, right? -You went a bit wide on the lipstick.
-Oh, I did? -Yeah.
It's hard for me to tell. My eye's closing up.
Let me get it for you.
-Ow! -Okay.
You know what? It looks fine.
Okay, here we go.
Screw Paolo, screw the psycho cab lady.
It's New Year's Eve. Let's have a good time.
-Okay, here we go. -Okay.
All right, there you go. This way.
Here you go.
When I saw you at the store last week...
...it was the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
-Wow, that's dirty. -Yeah.
Hey, kids.
He doesn't have to spend the whole evening with me...
...but at least check in.
There you are!
You got away from me.
-But you found me. -Here, Ross, take our picture.
Smile. You're on Janice Camera.
Kill me. Kill me now.
Hi, I'm Rachel.
So whose friend are you?
Look at me, spilling everywhere.
Everybody, it's Fun Bobby!
Hey, sorry I'm late. But my grandfather...
...died about two hours ago.
But I couldn't get a flight out till tomorrow, so here I am.
Hey, Fun Bobby! How's it going, man? Whoa! Who died?
It's gonna be an open casket, you know?
So at least I'll get to see him again.
Bobby? Fun Bobby?
Let me talk to you for just a sec.
I recently lost a grandparent myself...
...so I really know exactly how you feel.
But you're really bringing the party down.
-I'm sorry. -Yeah, yeah, okay.
There you go. There you go.
I'm gonna blow this one up and write "Reunited" in glitter.
All right, Janice, that's it!
Janice. Janice.
Hey, Janice, when I invited you, I didn't think it meant...
Oh, no!
I'm sorry you misunderstood.
You listen to me! You listen to me!
One of these times, it's just gonna be your last chance with me!
Will you give me the thing?
-Hi, Max. -Yoko.
I've decided to go to Minsk without you.
-Wow. -It won't be the same...
...but it will still be Minsk. Happy New Year.
-Are you all right? -Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Come on.
-You're going to Minsk. -No, I'm not going to Minsk.
You are so going to Minsk.
You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just for me.
If I go, I have to break up with you.
-And I can't break up with you. -Yes, you can.
Just say, "Phoebe, I love you, but my work is my life.
That's what I have to do."
And I say, "Your work? How can you say that?"
Then you say, "I have no choice. Can't you understand that?"
And I say, "No! No! I can't understand that!"
-Ow. -Sorry.
And then you put your arms around me.
-Then you put your arms around me. -Oh, sorry.
And then you tell me you love me and you'll never forget me.
I'll never forget you.
Then you say that you have to go...
...because you don't wanna start the year with me if you can't finish it.
I'm gonna miss you, you scientist guy.
Hi, Dick Clark in Times Square.
We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square.
It gets better every...
Here you go, kids.
And then the peacock bit me.
Please kiss me at midnight!
-You seen Sandy? -I don't know how to tell you this...
...but she's in the bedroom getting it on with Max.
Oh, I did know how to tell you.
-Hey, everybody, the ball is dropping. -What?
The ball is dropping!
In 20 seconds, it'll be midnight.
And the moment of joy is upon us.
Looks like that no-date pact worked out.
Everybody looks so happy. I hate that!
Not everybody is happy. Hey, Bobby!
four, three, two...
...one! Happy New Year!
I thought I'd throw this out. I'm no math whiz...
...but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here.
I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.
-I can't kiss anyone. -So, I'm kissing everyone?
No, you can't kiss Ross. That's your brother.
So now everybody's getting kissed but me.
Somebody kiss me.
Somebody kiss me! It's midnight! Somebody kiss me!
All right! All right!
There!
I wanted this to work so much.
I'm still in there.
Changing his diapers. Picking his fleas.
But he's just phoning it in.
It's hard that something you love so much doesn't love you back.
I think that bitch cracked my tooth.