[pensive music]
[plastic rustling]
This, folks, is dating.
This is what it is to date as a gay man in New York City.
You head outta your house, you get to the curb,
you pick up a steaming pile of shit,
you walk around with it for about 20 minutes,
and then you toss it back in the trash where it belongs.
[Danny sighs]
Though, over the last few weeks,
there has been a nice little slow burn.
Charlie.
This was actually his first date idea.
Walk the pup, get some coffee, it was cute,
and that led to a second date, movie date,
which seemed to be in a theater
as far away from our apartments as possible.
And that destroyed the opportunity
for my typical second date dick inspection.
So, were we closer to my apartment-
Then I'd be trying to get you naked right now.
- Exactly. - Exactly.
So, that's a bad thing because-
'Cause I want a real shot at longevity.
Don't you?
You know, that was sweet and honestly correct.
Ironically, though, I had my hole practically twitching
'cause, goddamn, that's hot.
Cut to a third date
where we started to get into some real shit.
Like relationship history.
Last major one was for five years, ended a few years ago,
and I've been spending time really concentrating
on what I want out of a relationship
and dating intentionally.
Hypothetical "Drag Race" library challenge reads.
Danny, I see you've had some work done.
If I were you, I'd Tijuana my money back.
[Danny and Charlie chuckling]
All right, Charlie, you are such a fat slut,
that when you say you need bread,
I don't know if you're hungry or horny.
[Charlie chuckles]
Family history.
Mom passed away two years ago
and my dad and I really don't get along.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Any siblings? - Nope, just me.
Thank fucking God.
So far so good, right?
Well, that's not to say we didn't have
our fair share of disagreements.
Listen, there's the right way, the wrong way, and-
[Both] The Janeway.
Let's get one thing straight.
The only correct order of captains is Picard, Sisko, Kirk,
then Janeway, New Pike, Shaw,
and then all the ones from the bad shows.
Well, it's fun while it lasted.
So, you hate women?
Wow!
- Yeah. - Is this is our first fight?
Well, if so, I can think of a good way to make up.
Hmm. [chuckles]
Unfortunately, all I got was a super hot make-out
and some light ass grabbing.
The latter of which allowed me
to do an investigation of my own,
and, well, [inhales sharply]
promising.
Very promising.
[belt buckle clunking]
So, are you gonna be sad when I'm off the market?
Too remote of a possibility to even consider.
Oh, you're about to eat those words.
Why?
Things going well with someone?
Yeah, very well.
I actually think the next date might seal the deal.
[Matty scoffs]
Ew!
Don't be mad at me.
You choose poorly.
At least you don't settle.
Oh!
Oh, you just want me for yourself.
I would be flattered if you weren't an asshole about it.
Okay, whatever you need to tell yourself.
I don't know how you stay hopeful.
You always set yourself up for disappointment.
Well, if anyone knows anything
about being a disappointment...
[Danny sighs]
I mean, what's my other choice?
Become an emotionally unavailable fuck machine?
Okay, I'm leaving town Monday for work.
If you want another ride on this fuck machine,
it's gotta be Saturday or Sunday night.
Or?
Why not and?
Oh, now who wants who?
Fine, none.
[Danny and Matty smooching]
And.
And, because I'm a complete fucking moron,
that meant that my Saturday date with Charlie,
which I forgot about, had to be during the daytime,
which meant that the chances
of us finally fucking were unlikely.
Not impossible.
I have the high libido that lets me take two in a day,
but, I don't know,
I kind of wanna make that first time with Charlie special.
Kinda have a full evening.
Look at me being all romantic.
So, since you nixed the idea of Museum Day-
I am too old to continue pretending
that I wanna go to a fucking museum.
Girl, I know what a painting looks like.
We might have ourselves a wander-around-the-city day
probably for some light groping.
That sounds perfect.
[jazz music]
[jazz music continues]
Miss me?
[phone clunks]
Well, we have spent eight hours together today
and I'm not sick of you,
so that's something.
I'd say so.
Maybe we should have a little talk
about spending even more time together.
Sounds like you have a proposal for me.
I do.
But before that, maybe we should have a little talk about
the type of relationship that I'm looking for.
Okay.
So, my last relationship was a five-year relationship
and it was a run-of-the-mill, monogamous relationship.
Which is the kind of relationship I'm looking for.
Right.
So, in the last year,
I spent a lot of time soul-searching about my queerness
and my identity.
Okay, I can use they/them pronouns.
It's just gonna take some more minding,
because, despite all evidence to the contrary,
I'm not an asshole.
Yeah, well, I came to realize
that I'm not only identify as gay, but also poly.
You identify as poly?
My ex couldn't handle it.
And, honestly, it was extremely hurtful.
It's who I am,
and he wouldn't even allow me to explore my identity.
We were together five years.
Honestly, I was shocked and really hurt,
and that's ultimately what led to our breakup,
and since then I've been healing
and then decide that anybody
that doesn't allow me to be my whole self,
well, then they just can keep on walking.
You consider poly to be an identity?
Yeah.
LGBTQP?
Sure.
So, straight people who are also in poly relationships,
they're now in the queer community?
I guess.
So, an identity, not like a relationship style?
Right.
Yeah, so that seems to be the new tactic
that poly people use
to coerce otherwise monogamously-minded people.
Oh, it's an identity, right?
So, if you're not into it,
you're discriminating against them.
It's who they are, which makes you an asshole.
No, not a difference in relationship styles.
And that, combined with the fact
that he decided not to bring this up
until the fourth fucking date
is extremely manipulative.
I would laugh,
if I wasn't so deeply disappointed.
All right, so we need to get one thing straight.
I don't- - Danny, I really like you.
We have a great connection.
You can't deny that.
But it's possible for you to have that connection
with other people, too.
Surely you do.
I'm sure there are people in your life right now
that you wouldn't wanna say goodbye to
if you got into a relationship.
And I am more than capable
of having those relationships simultaneously.
And I bet you are, too.
Most people are.
They just deny themselves
because that's what society taught us.
I have a lot of love to give
and I wanna experience as much love as possible.
Who would deny themselves that opportunity
to experience as much love as possible?
I would never deny you that.
The best relationships are when two people
are entirely fulfilled and happy.
I think you know that.
And love, it can't be diluted.
It's not like I'm going to love any partner of mine any less
just because they increase in number.
Plus, you know how it goes.
You get with someone, you have the honeymoon phase,
which naturally fades into something comfortable,
so that goes away.
And the honeymoon phase is awesome.
So, if you love someone,
why would you deny them to have that feeling again forever?
Imagine being able to have the intimacy
that comes with longevity,
and the excitement that comes from new connections.
It's like having your cake and eating it, too,
which we're taught is bad, but why?
Why?
And I'm not going to lie
and say this is something that's gonna be easy.
It just takes real communication and security,
which I'm 100% down to do.
[Charlie inhales deeply]
So, all that said, is this a deal-breaker for you?
And I want you to be honest,
because it is a deal-breaker for me.
Yeah, so you know how this goes.
I excuse myself to the bathroom
and immediately head for the hills,
leaving him with the check as small compensation
for the complete waste of my fucking time.
End of episode.
We all have a good laugh.
Like Matty said, I get my hopes up,
and then the other shoe drops.
And that has been my life for years,
ever since the man that I thought
was the greatest love of my life nearly destroyed me.
You've seen that life.
Well, you've seen a sliver of it.
I have shown you the wildest
and most entertaining gems of this unmitigated disaster.
The moments that you thought could not have been real.
Trust me, they are all too real.
What I haven't shown you are all of the ghosts.
All of the times it didn't go terribly,
it just didn't go anywhere.
All of the guys who asked me on a second date,
only to cancel right before
for reasons that I will never know.
All of the guys who fucked me and then disappeared.
[Danny sighs]
And all of the guys who revealed themselves
to be something other than what they appeared to be.
I have not shown you the hurt.
I haven't shown you the tears.
I haven't shown you journaling my existential dread
that I will one day end up alone.
That I will die and no one there to care for me.
I haven't shown you the retirement planning I have to do
for the day that I need help and no one's there.
Or laying awake at night,
imagining a state home in my final days
with no one there but the nurses,
calling out to people who are long, long gone,
visited by no one.
[crowd conversing indistinctly]
All right.
Let's try.
[Danny and Charlie smooching]
[jazz music]
[phone clicking]
[jazz music]
[door opens]
[both groaning] [door slams shut]
[jazz music]
[Danny sighs]
[Charlie groans]
[jazz music]
- See you later. - Bye.
[Danny and Charlie smooching]
[jazz music]
[door closes]
[jazz music]
I have a boyfriend. [clapping hands]
Maxi! [bell jingling]
Hello, bubba.
Daddy has a boyfriend. [bell jingling]
Yeah!
[Danny smooches]
[bell jingling]
Well, in any other relationship I've been in,
I would have to text this man
who has given me some of the best orgasms in my entire life,
"I hate to disappoint,
but I'm now off the market,
and must respectfully decline."
In that pompous way that only someone
who just got into a relationship can deliver. [sighs]
I would convey my hopes
that one day our paths would cross again.
But, today, I get too type, "Yes, sir."
Because I am in the kind of relationship
where I can have my cake and eat it, too.
And, by that, I mean put my cake
back into Matty's watering, welcoming mouth.
[bell jingling]
Oprah was right.
You can have it all.
[phone clicking]
He is the single most aggravating person
I've ever met in my fucking life.
[patron laughing]
[door creaks open]
Hey!
Oh, I see him.
I see him.
Oh, maybe this is a role play scenario.
Now, usually, I like to plan my little adventure beforehand,
but, I don't know, we've done this so many times,
we can probably just improv. [sighs]
So, what do we think?
Oh, maybe childhood bully who reaches out to clear the air
but has a secret or...
Oh, maybe I'm being blackmailed.
Maybe I'm running for city council
and he's going to leak my recently unearthed sex tape
unless I make more with him. [chuckles]
[chair scraping]
- Hey! - Hey.
[chair scraping]
Doing all right?
Why?
Because that's a question
normal human beings ask each other.
Yeah, so why are you asking it?
Will you just tell me how your day was?
Fine.
Are you gonna ask me?
Do you want me to?
Were you dropped on your head as a baby?
Why am I here?
Oh, if you tested positive for something,
you can just text me.
It's really not a big deal.
[patrons conversing indistinctly]
How was your day?
STI-free.
Thank you for caring to ask.
[patrons conversing indistinctly]
Things going well with that guy?
Oh, funny you should ask.
I am delighted to inform you that I have a boyfriend.
- What? - I have a boyfriend.
- When? - Yesterday.
Charlie and I spent the day together-
- Why are you here? - Because you told me to.
Why are you meeting me if you have a boyfriend?
Oh, oh, yeah.
We are polyamorous.
I have entered my very first polyamorous relationship.
You don't want that.
Well, I thought that at first.
- Why would you do that? - Why wouldn't I?
- You don't want that. - It's a compromise.
That's what adults do when they wanna be together.
They communicate their needs, they compromise,
and they find a happy middle.
Is this the kind of relationship I wanted?
No.
Was I extremely skeptical when he brought it up?
Yes.
But, we talked it out, made a lot of good points about cake-
Why would you compromise for that?
Because I wanna be in love, Matty,
and that was the offer on the table.
I evaluated it.
I decided I'd give it a go.
Look, I definitely had
the same opinions on this that you do,
but, if you really think about it,
there's no limit on the amount of love-
Yes, there is!
Yeah, there absolutely fucking is.
What did he say to you?
That just 'cause he loves and fucks other people,
that means you don't get anything less?
What?
That a relationship where two people are totally happy
and getting everything they want,
that's a healthy one and you should want that?
Yes, actually.
Well, something like that.
That's a crock of shit, Danny.
You know it.
No!
No, no, the point of a relationship
is that you give something up for each other.
Sure, you still wanna fuck other people
and you miss that new relationship energy,
but you tell each other
you're gonna give something up to be together
because there is a reward to that kind of devotion,
and you can't get that if you don't make the sacrifice.
That's what it's all about, Danny.
There's a level of intimacy that you can't get
if you're giving pieces of yourself
and your love all away to other people.
No, you want someone to be entirely devoted to you
and you wanna entirely devote yourself to someone else.
All of it.
That's what we all really want.
No, that's what you want.
Well, that's not on offer right now.
How is this any of his fucking business?
Yes, it is.
See, this is the problem with long-term fuck buddies.
Just because he comes over two to three times-
Hey, attention here! [Matty snaps fingers]
Not there, me.
They can wait.
You're so fucking stupid. - Fuck you!
No, we've been dating for months, Danny.
For months.
Oh, sweetheart, that is not dating, that's fucking.
Dating is- - No.
[Danny and Matty smooching]
Shut up.
Shut the fuck up and listen to me
for once in your miserable fucking life.
We've been seeing each other what,
two, three times a week now?
And, sure, we fuck,
but it's been more than that.
It's become more than that.
Matty, we weren't dating.
And dating is agreeing to meet, grabbing a coffee,
checking your vibes,
then you maybe agree to a longer dinner,
spend more time to get each other,
maybe then you start fucking-
No, that's your fucking problem.
You're so tied to how you think things really should be,
that you are completely oblivious
to anything outside of that.
I've been here the whole fucking time, Danny.
I fell in love with you, you dumb cum slut.
[patrons conversing indistinctly]
Why?
[patrons conversing indistinctly]
It's a good fucking question!
[footsteps thudding]
How dare he speak to me that way?
Why isn't he fucking me right now?
[chair scraping]
Matty!
Matty, Matty, Matty!
Matty!
This is your fucking fault. - And how do you figure that?
You coulda asked me at any point.
At any point you could have asked me out.
What do you think this is?
"Hey, slut, come meet me at this restaurant,
'cause I'm gonna be hungry."
That's your way of asking me to be in a relationship?
Yeah, yeah, what would you have said?
What would you have said if I was straight up?
You would've turned me down
'cause you liked the regular dick
and you wouldn't wanna fuck that up.
Fuck!
Now, you've gotten yourself into the shadow
of the kind of relationship you wanna be in,
so you wouldn't even have to give it up.
You wouldn't have risked it
because you didn't think it was worth it.
I do.
I did.
- Matty. - No.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
If you wanna still try, I can.
I don't want that shit.
I want someone who is entirely devoted to me.
Just me.
'Cause I deserve that and so do you.
- Matt- - No, no, no, fuck this.
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you only ever saw me as one thing.
You know what?
I have listened to you complain for months
about being single.
I've listened to you complain about all these fucking losers
that you've gone out with, as if they're the problem.
But no, Danny, you're the problem.
You're the reason you're still single.
The only person to blame is you.
You fucked it all up, Danny.
[melancholic music]
Well, fuck him!
Fuck him!
Where does he...
As if he...
Fuck!
I'm the problem.
He's the problem.
As if I could, whatever.
As if I couldn't replace him in a minute.
I'll get on the apps.
I'll find a new fuck friend by the end of the day.
As if he's so fucking special.
[melancholic music]
[upbeat music]
♪ Back when you were mine
♪ We shared a dirty mind
♪ It didn't stop us from arguing all the time ♪
♪ When you cross the line ♪
♪ We just take off our clothes
♪ Take some time to get close
♪ Life entertained
♪ That's just the way love goes ♪
♪ We used to get close ♪
♪ Sometimes the story goes
♪ We used to get close ♪
♪ Life is seldom fair ♪
♪ Gives you love beyond compare ♪
♪ Of memories of fingers through your hair ♪